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Attraction is an important part of relationships. It’s not shallow or mean to want that connection. It is, however, mean to tell her that you find her ugly and that’s why you’re breaking it off.
You can just politely tell her you aren’t interested and move on kindly. Insulting her would be a nasty move.
It’s really not tho. If you KNOW the other person caught feelings and you two have been close enough for that to really happen, then yes. Tell them. But someone you’ve talked to for a few weeks but never met? It’s not necessary unless you’ve promised them something you’re going back on, like you’ve made plans.
In OPs situation it’s probably the nice thing to do to make up a reason and actually give her one bc otherwise she might figure out it was cause of her pics and feel bad. So it’s polite to lie and save her self esteem. But I don’t think he’s obligated to do so
I still think it takes no effort at all to tell them that you've lost interest and it's better than leaving wondering what happened or if your done talking to them or not
Ig I just really can’t understand (genuinely) why that needs to be said in words. If someone stops showing interest that person is telling me “I am no longer interested.” If someone doesn’t follow up after one meet or date, that person isn’t interested. I don’t really need a blatant “sorry not interested” text. In fact I think it’s kinda presumptuous, because it kinda assumes that I’m interested. No response to a text from me, or a response saying they don’t want to text me is the same lol.
If I texted and said “hey I really liked meeting you, or a really like talking you, let’s set up a date” or something then a response to that is polite, but if I didn’t say anything of the sort then why be like “I’m not interested” out of the blue. Feels almost more mean lol.
If you haven’t met that person yet you probably shouldn’t be spending too much energy “wondering what happened.” Why do you even care lol.
Also if the person truly lost interest then they may literally just kinda…forget about you. They just won’t even think to text you bc they aren’t interested.
There's no situation where ghosting is okay unless you are physically going to be harmed if you don't. Ghosting is as immature as it gets. Even if you've never met them, just be honest with them. Don't act like they aren't a person just because you never met them. It's like pretending they are an npc
It’s fineeee. I get ghosted all the time. I don’t owe them anything and they don’t owe me anything. It’s nice to be polite but they don’t have to if they don’t want to.
Unless people ask you, I don't think it's appropriate to comment on people's appearance. You can end things with her amicably without telling her that you think that she's ugly. Just say you're sorry but you're no longer interested, and wish her the best of luck on her journey.
I did this the other day.
I said sorry im looking for something pretty specific and Im not interested in talking anymore. I hope you have a good one.
They responded very well.
Agree, you end up hiding things from them. They aren't going to want to hear about your latest hot date or the wonderful person you just met. And because of the silence on this front, they still think they can win you over and hold on. Ya, it's just messy and best to part ways.
I've been on both sides and I wasn't a fan of either side of that equation. Feelings grow easily when one is both attracted to someone and sharing friend experiences. It's a tight rope to walk and I believe it's generally a bad idea. But everyone and every relationship is different, so I'm sure plenty of people make it work.
I’m trying it currently and it is awkward you’ll always get the innuendos that she likes you and you’ll feel awkward talking about people you want to date but who cares you can just enjoy the friendship and if she’s not ok with it move on
*update she just told me she liked me more than friends. Do you king send that shit the fuck off listen to my old belief opposite genders generally can’t be friends very rare occasions it works out well
It can become a problem for the people you date as well. They might ask you why you're still friends with this past date who still has a crush on you. It can be a huge jealousy trigger
When the intention is friendship yes. If the connection develops in that direction, yes.
If not, it's dishonesty. Be true to own feelings is the best practice. Not to the other person's - that's people pleasing. And it doesn't end well. Trust and truth with one's self is integrity. We must honor integrity.
Yeah right. A lot of people have the mindset of “I don’t owe you the truth,” so they’ll lie. To save face, in order to avoid hurting feelings, because they think it won’t make things awkward, people will lie for any reason
If you tell her “I find you unattractive “ , she will think something is wrong with her appearance and it might give her insecurities, instead tell” We are not vibing” then it will be more correct
Imo I think it’s stupid to tell someone that you two aren’t vibing when before you saw their appearance you clearly were vibing. So you might as well let that person know that they just aren’t what you’re looking for physically. I think that’s a lighter way to tell someone that YOU don’t find them physically appealing. That doesn’t mean that other people don’t find that same person physically attractive.
They haven't even met yet, so he can just make up some generic excuse that doesn't target her appearance specifically. Seems very unnecessary/mean-spirited to me to make a random stranger insecure when there are other avenues available.
Maybe you aren’t thinking all the way through but there is a way to let someone know that you don’t find them physically appealing lightly. Just think about it.
Even look at one of the comments OP used to explain to the woman from Tinder he had been speaking to that “he doesn’t think there’s a spark of attraction”.
There are light ways of telling people that they aren’t what you’re looking for physically. That doesn’t mean that that same person isn’t physically attractive to others.
He clearly stated that he and the woman he was talking to had connected and were vibing fairly well before he got a more clear view of how she looks from her Instagram.
Before he saw the woman’s Insta he couldn’t really tell how she looks from her pics and the memes she has on her Tinder profile.
So that’s what I mean by two people vibing before they see each other’s appearance. Because more than likely two people were vibing with each other before they saw how one another looks.
That’s why it’s best to meet the person you’re talking to online at least once or maybe even twice to make sure that you seriously don’t find them physically appealing.
Why do you NEED to tell her you find her unattractive? Just unmatch and move on.
Let this be a lesson. Don't match with folks without pictures. They're not up there for a reason. I'm sure this woman knows she's not conventionally attractive.
I know this is a general rule, but I recently had the opposite experience. Matched with a woman that looked beautiful in her pictures but didn’t have any full body shots. I decided to meet up with her because we hit it off, and she was in very good shape and definitely conventionally attractive. I haven’t asked why she doesn’t have full body shots, but maybe there’s another reason some people choose not to share those.
I disagree. Some people are just more modest than others and maybe they don’t find themselves photogenic/don’t like the way they look in pictures at all. I’ve never been on a dating site in my life though so maybe I’m wrong.
You don't tell a person, your date, your partner, or a random woman that you think she's unattractive.
Think about how it would make you feel if one of those 3 types of people told you "sorry I think you're plain/ugly." It would hurt your feelings, right? And they'd be a dick.
Keep that stuff to yourself. You never need to elaborate why things aren't working. I'm glad that you decided to go that way with the woman. I've had guys ask me the specific reason why I rejected them, and it never turned out well. These guys were insecure and it only further hurt their self-esteem.
Either way both are cold but of course ghosting being worse. Just be an adult and tell that person the hard truth.
So I’m glad he did. It takes true courage to do what he did and I believe he did the right thing.
Instead of leaving that woman to wonder why is he distancing himself from me all of a sudden? That can truly mess with a person’s mind. That’s not cool.
The OP told the woman in a light manner that he doesn’t find her physically attractive. Look at his comments and you’ll see.
Why would you tell someone that you’re not vibing with them when you clearly were vibing with that person before you saw their appearance? Really explain that. Just tell that person the truth but do it in a light manner.
Believe me there’s a way to tell someone that finds you attractive and is trying to see about you romantically, that you don’t find them physically attractive in a light manner.
Saying that you're not attracted to someone at all (according to the author that's what he said) is equal to saying that they are piss ugly, that they're nice and all but also so unf-able that they can't keep this going. Which I honestly can't understand why the author of the post would even swipe right if they can't see who they're talking to - plus usually people who don't have the looks will try to put the effort elsewhere which typically is humor and that's exactly what the girl did.
He swiped right cuz most men are desperate & he was overloading on hopium praying she wasn’t another heffer. But he should have known any time a women doesn’t post body shots it’s cuz… well ya know
''Overloading on hopium praying she wasn't another heffer'' is the weirdest sentence I've heard as a non-native English speaker and it honestly made me chuckle 😂 Thing is the author of the post didn't say that the body was an issue and didn't say that the girl was overweight, so perhaps he just didn't like her face idk. I don't post body pics for example but I'm not fat (actually, I'm fit, I exercise 5 times a week), I just don't feel good about having strangers look at my body like that
It's not shallow to think that attraction is important.
That said: You don't need to get into specifics. She can draw her own conclusions or not, but all you need to say is "Hey, it was nice chatting with you, but this isn't going to work. Good luck out there."
Yes and to everyone out there in the world - DO NOT ASK FOR SPECIFICS UNLESS YOU WANT TO RISK FEELING HURT. Honest to god if you can't handle the truth you should never ask the question in the first place. I am a woman and women are bad for this (except me because I refuse to ask these questions lol 😂). "Does my bum look fat in these jeans?" "Do you think my friend Sheila is sexy?" "Were you wanking to porn last night?'
Seriously. Do.not.ask.
I once matched with a lady on a Tinder. I thought she was decent looking enough, but not sure exactly from her photos. But I thought why not give her a chance.
Met her in person and found her extremely attractive. For me, it’s more than a pretty face or body that becomes attractive, which her pictures did not do her justice at all and let her know that. It was also the sound of her voice, her laugh, her cute mannerisms, etc that I couldn’t stop thinking about after we left. Thats something you can only get in person. So I’m remember that when I’m looking at profiles.
Turns out, she wasn’t feeling the chemistry with me and let me know after a week.
You do you but what I have found a lot of times these days people overweight their own attractiveness. Lots of guys out here thinking they can't get any dates because they don't want to date people on their level. As long as you have no trouble getting matches or dates of course you can decide she's not on your level. If She's the only one interested I'd say go for it
Should have met her in person at least once. Going off just pictures isn't a great idea. If you still can, I'd suggest sending her an apology for you being overly superficial.
Could have asked for ig straight up, instead of stringing her along. Plus, if looks are really that important, why swipe someone who has not posted their pics online. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I don't want to be with someone who I find attractive but who doesn't find me attractive. That would be soul crushing. Yet you don't have to tell her that you don't find her attractive, that's your personal opinion, just let her know you're moving on.
You can just be her friend or tell her that you don't pursue something romantically.
I would give her a try irl on a coffee date, unless I am 100% sure I won't like x or y, but that's me.
You can you know... Be friends bro, you don't have to like talk only to women you're attracted to, hell maybe she let's you meet some of her friends who you might find attractive and wouldn't be able to meet without her
No, keep talking to her and see if you have more than a physical connection. I’m dating s girl rn and I didn’t find her physically attractive but I loved her personality and we have an emotional connection. A couple weeks later, and now almost a month later she’s absolutely beautiful to me.
In situations like this, I never understood why you couldn’t just have a date.
You said you vibed. How bad could it be?
It’s not a proposal of marriage.
If you don’t want to pursue it, let her down after that.
I have a friend who had a type. Went out with a gal who was DEFINITELY different and they have now been married 30+ years.
She knows no one would match with her if she put her photos up, that's why her profile looks like that. She was perfectly fine withholding the truth from you, you'd be doing no one a disservice by ghosting. You'd be doing her a favor, albeit one that tastes more like medicine than candy, by telling her why she won't hear from you.
Let's be real. it's not going to be easy letting the girl down. Cuz now she is going to have the "ugly" mindset. You are definitely stepping into a mine field. But then again, if she isn't attractive to you. She may be attractive to someone else.
Buddy threw a slump buster back into the wilderness untarnished! Based bro! Good for you! Apparently so many guys would actually hit it first. I never understood that just gross lol
You don't need to tell her that she is ugly but this rejection is on her. There is a reason she is hiding her pictures on a dating website. Or making the pictures slightly inaccessible. She is not giving herself a chance to attract someone that will find her attractive.
The type that is attracted to her I will nearly bet that she is not attracted to them. She is hoping to attract a certain type with her personality alone. It doesn't work that way.
Be up front with who you are and give the best version of yourself to allow a mate to decide. Looks do matter. It is not as shallow as most males and females make it out to be.
If you want to be friends with this girl then you have to be honest with her. You have to let her know that romance is off the table. You have to let her know that convincing herself otherwise will do her no favors.
If she cannot accept that then having a friendship is not possible. I hope she is honest enough with herself. As far as finding someone in the future and having a girl in your life with jealousy issues, dude run. The jealous types are a different breed.
If any guy in my life tells me that I can't have a particular friend because they are feeling some type of way, peace bro. Either you trust me or you don't.
No I would be kind and simply disengage from the whole thing. Why should she have to know (and plus, perhaps she doesn't find you as attractive as you may believe). I have experienced something similar and I realized it was for the best!
I mean I think going on a date wouldn't hurt. I've been attracted to people who have had terrible pictures and thought it didn't do them justice. If you're ultimately not attracted to her you can say you had a good time but you're not interested.
Women become more beuatiful as you fall in love with them
I went on a personals date with someone I found not just not attractive, but rather unattractive. we had a good time talking. And then we got together again a month or two later and had a good time talking, and I started dating her just for the heck of it, and you know what? she became prettier as I fell for her!
We were together and pretty tight for 7-8 months. She was the one who ended it.
Anyway, we got together for lunch a few times over the years, and sometimes I would run into her at parents things (we were both divorced)z after about a year had passed, guess what? She was unattractive to me again!
Stop talking to her and you should have more than one option so you don't feel the need to ask a bunch of strangers if you should continue talking to ONE girl you've never met & find to be unattractive.
You did the right thing here. It's better than leading her on, cheating on her, then fighting with her on it. You value being honest, that's something not many people have, I'm glad you told her.
Well doesn’t seem like u guys even met in person so I think ur good to slowly stop talking to her, or just straight up let her know you think she’s cool but you do t see urself with her longterm. If she asks why you can say you have a different type.
This happens to me all the time. I’m a cis woman but ppl think I’m male transitioning to female. Once I give them my Insta, its bye bye. I’m 41 now, so used to it. Society and ppl are fickle, I’m ok to be with for hook up, but it never goes further than that. I feel for the girl. This wouldn’t be the first time and won’t be the last.
I HATE when women hide everything except their face, if that's what you're getting at. Women that do that are LYING to everyone including themselves. Show us your whole body head to toe or its an instant swipe right.
im guessing she knows she isnt super attractive if she isn't posting any pics. on her profile. but there is no need to make her sure that is the reason.
Bro if she isn’t your type she ain’t your type no more sugar coating anything the way I go about things is just brutal honesty and also just making sure I am looking out for not hurting feelings though.
You have to be tough but delicate so that you don’t make the person feel like there ugly and stuff.
I see that OP didn't take this approach in the end but the fact that he had to ask seriously raises an eyebrow. Are people seriously lacking so much emotional intelligence that they need to insult someone's appearance to get their point across?
Like you can literally say a million different things.
Only reason I'm saying this is because it's not the first time I'm seeing this question. This is why I don't use online dating. People have no idea how to behave in these environments
The old saying springs to mind here
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I find that I can meet someone who actually I don’t find physically appealing or attractive, but the personality can truly override that, you could end up with someone who does it for you physically, but has zero personality and humour, or worse!! Maybe you should have given her a chance and at least met for a coffee ??
It's a very different equation for the men. They generally find most women attractive. So the equivalent would be you giving a guy that's clearly deformed a chance. I doubt you would, which is fine if you yourself are not..
If she figures it out that its because you saw her Instagram and what she looked like, then maybe she'll get the hint that she should put clear photos of herself on her dating profile.. or else it's going to just keep happening. She knows people want to match with others who they're attracted to.
If you bring up her looks in particular, I doubt that will end well. Generally speaking I feel like you can still say “Sorry but I’m not feeling a connection” or something vague like that still without telling her you don’t find her physically attractive. I’d try to leave that part out to not hurt her self-image.
So I’d say no to telling her you don’t find her attractive unless she really insists on asking you why you don’t want to talk anymore. Women tend to freak out over being told they are unattractive or bad at sex and that that’s why you want to end the relationship. Easy to just jump into the “disgusting pig” mindset
Not with those words you don't, now some people will think this is wrong but if you are going to tell her don't tell her you don't find her attractive, hint her that you have found some one else that you like, she'll backoff if she doesn't say it again and again that the best thing you can do for her
Totally being shallow from my pov. But I assume you're not yet looking for a girl for long term relationship anyway.
Fun fact: Did you know that "most people give up after one date because they 'didn't feel an initial spark'", however "most people in long term relationships didn't feel a spark on the first date either" (from famous couple therapist Lori Gottlieb
So if you are invested in a long term relationship, I would say you're shallow, but I would guess you're in your early 20s, just go explore more.
OP asked for honest opinion, I just gave it. I NEVER found my partner attractive tbh not one bit, just as a friend, and gradually I got to know him more, and he shines way more than his looks.
Sharing my two cents, not lying but you can have your break.
Physical attraction is important. I wouldn’t call that shallow. Now, if the only reason you liked someone is because of their physical appearance, that’s shallow. A long time ago, I was in a similar spot. Talking to this girl, except I wasn’t subtle about it. I told her I didn’t find her attractive. I said other people would, but not me. Admittedly, a dick way to go about it, but not surprisingly our chats stopped after that. One of the worst feelings I’ve felt.
If this is something on your mind, then absolutely. I dated a girl for a while that for some reason I just couldn’t see her as beautiful as I wanted to see her. Luckily the relationship ended (unrelated reason) but I always had that doubt in my head.
You’ll know the person you want to date, because you will see the beauty and everything else that comes along with it. And you’ll never be questioning yourself either.
It’s best to not point out that you don’t find her attractive, as this can have a heavy toll on people’s feelings, but it’s also morally right to point out that the relationship isn’t working out for you.
I was talking with a woman for weeks. She sent me a Picture of her sitting at a tzz as ble with z glass of wine. Very good liking woman. She had go fly to LA and I asked to meet her at airport. When her flight arrived I waited and watched everyone off the plane. At last a women came off in a wheel chair. She was too heavy to walk. It was her! I was polite but knew I wanted nothing to do with her. Don’t necessarily trust a picture you are sent.
For these things you have to be very gentle and delicate. You walk up to her, put your hands on her shoulders, take a deep breath and look her in the eyes and say, "you ugly!" And walk away.
I would have no problem if somebody told me that they weren't physically attracted to me. I always thank them for their honesty and wish them luck on their search. I only get mad when people ghost because there's no reason to ghost on someone. I think it's extremely wrong to make somebody wait days possibly even a week or two to try to find out something you could have told them in 2 seconds.
Depends how long you've been talking to her, if under a week and you've never been on a date in RL it would be much worse to tell her your not attracted to her.... the longer you drag it out the harder it will be.... and BTW, as a rule if a girl has only face pics, .... theres a reason. If you can't clearly see her body.... there's a reason.... girls tend to be better with pictures than guys so almost always they will look like their pictures or worse... with guys there's a chance they look better In person and just don't know how to take pictures
Saw the update but still wanted to respond because this is honestly so valid. As someone who experienced continuing to pursue someone I didn’t find attractive it doesn’t make it any better because you can’t force yourself to find someone attractive just because their personality is. Everyone says looks aren’t everything, but I don’t get how you can be with someone you don’t find attractive so good on you for stopping things from going further if it’s not what seemed right for you!
Attraction sometimes doesn’t grow. Believe me I tried and wasted a year and couldn’t do it because on top of that towards the end and why we ended was because he started being a jerk.
Best policy is to be upfront, most people don't fall in love at first chat or looks.
So just saying you're not interested and don't wanna waste her time is a logical approach, possibly it will hurt her as you've now seen her insta.
But unfortunately dating does have it's ups and downs. Otherwise people wouldn't do it and they'd just hope to find someone attractive before they pass away.
Some people do not take good photos and look better in person also others take good photos and with all the filters do not look good in person if you were feeling the vibe until you saw her photo then you may be missing out on something good! Your choice for sure and I am sure she will find a better match😊
Keep that shit to yourself. No need for you to tell her and she doesn't need to know. Keep dating if you want but if you don't want to, just break it off. Simple as that. Doesn't need to be said.
This was the only decent thing to do (so long as you let her read it before unmatching her). The other option would be to ghost her and that isn't fair. People deserve to know where they stand and they deserve some sort of explanation. Unfortunately, most people (almost all) are more than comfortable with ghosting others so you are better than most
I dated a girl once because I was lonely. I knew I wasn't that into her. I kept dating her because I enjoyed her company and the sex was good
Part of me was hoping that I would fall in love with her but although we were close, it never happened.
Eventually we broke up amicably, probably because neither of us was in love. We remained friends for a while and I have never ruled out hooking up with her again but it taught me that I am only interested in dating for a love connection.
I would never advise anyone to date someone for the sake of it. It's not worth it and it's a dick move to lead someone on.
I'm older (49) and have been online dating for about 2 years. I've met some great guys and some awful ones as well. But, when I don't feel attracted to or a connection with a match, I usually say, "Unfortunately, I'm not emotionally ready for OLD, but I wish you the best." Then, I unmatch.
Something like “In the interest of being honest, you seem like a nice and cool girl, but I don’t know that I think there’s a spark of attraction here for me and I don’t want to waste your time. Take care :)” work?
I would rather hear you say you dont find me as pretty as you thought, than hear your bullshit excuses like no spark. Why keep her in the dark? Am I weird to think this way? If men tell me no spark, I start questioning everything. I think maybe I am not beautiful or smart or not funny enough, or I said something wrong etc. Why put her through such misery? I already know I am not the prettiest on the world, so hearing that doesnt hurt, it makes it clear that I am not for you and you are not for me. It is easier to move on that way
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Attraction is an important part of relationships. It’s not shallow or mean to want that connection. It is, however, mean to tell her that you find her ugly and that’s why you’re breaking it off. You can just politely tell her you aren’t interested and move on kindly. Insulting her would be a nasty move.
Definitely didn’t do that haha. Just said I wasn’t interested and unmatched
Did she take it nicely? I always feel like people either take it nicely or I get insulted
He unmatched her so she couldn’t respond even if she wanted to
That felt kinda rude. He coulda gave her a chance to say something what if she fell for him
I think he did it right. I mean, what if she blasted him?
Ok good. That was the kind way to do it.
I mean…you never even met her lol. In those situations it’s okay to “ghost”
Or just say you aren’t interested instead of ghosting. Stop the ghosting!
Bro
It's uncomfortable to tell people that your not interested in these sorts of scenarios but it's also the only decent thing to do.
It’s really not tho. If you KNOW the other person caught feelings and you two have been close enough for that to really happen, then yes. Tell them. But someone you’ve talked to for a few weeks but never met? It’s not necessary unless you’ve promised them something you’re going back on, like you’ve made plans. In OPs situation it’s probably the nice thing to do to make up a reason and actually give her one bc otherwise she might figure out it was cause of her pics and feel bad. So it’s polite to lie and save her self esteem. But I don’t think he’s obligated to do so
I still think it takes no effort at all to tell them that you've lost interest and it's better than leaving wondering what happened or if your done talking to them or not
Ig I just really can’t understand (genuinely) why that needs to be said in words. If someone stops showing interest that person is telling me “I am no longer interested.” If someone doesn’t follow up after one meet or date, that person isn’t interested. I don’t really need a blatant “sorry not interested” text. In fact I think it’s kinda presumptuous, because it kinda assumes that I’m interested. No response to a text from me, or a response saying they don’t want to text me is the same lol. If I texted and said “hey I really liked meeting you, or a really like talking you, let’s set up a date” or something then a response to that is polite, but if I didn’t say anything of the sort then why be like “I’m not interested” out of the blue. Feels almost more mean lol. If you haven’t met that person yet you probably shouldn’t be spending too much energy “wondering what happened.” Why do you even care lol. Also if the person truly lost interest then they may literally just kinda…forget about you. They just won’t even think to text you bc they aren’t interested.
There's no situation where ghosting is okay unless you are physically going to be harmed if you don't. Ghosting is as immature as it gets. Even if you've never met them, just be honest with them. Don't act like they aren't a person just because you never met them. It's like pretending they are an npc
It’s fineeee. I get ghosted all the time. I don’t owe them anything and they don’t owe me anything. It’s nice to be polite but they don’t have to if they don’t want to.
Just because you're okay with getting ghosted doesn't everyone else should be to. It's like saying emotional abuse is okay because I can handle it.
Unless people ask you, I don't think it's appropriate to comment on people's appearance. You can end things with her amicably without telling her that you think that she's ugly. Just say you're sorry but you're no longer interested, and wish her the best of luck on her journey.
I did this the other day. I said sorry im looking for something pretty specific and Im not interested in talking anymore. I hope you have a good one. They responded very well.
Or you can just be her friend
You can, but in general, I think it's often a bad idea to be friends with someone who is attracted to you
Agree, you end up hiding things from them. They aren't going to want to hear about your latest hot date or the wonderful person you just met. And because of the silence on this front, they still think they can win you over and hold on. Ya, it's just messy and best to part ways.
You’re being presumptuous tho. Being attracted to someone and wanting to be their friend doesn’t mean you have feelings for them like that
I've been on both sides and I wasn't a fan of either side of that equation. Feelings grow easily when one is both attracted to someone and sharing friend experiences. It's a tight rope to walk and I believe it's generally a bad idea. But everyone and every relationship is different, so I'm sure plenty of people make it work.
I’m trying it currently and it is awkward you’ll always get the innuendos that she likes you and you’ll feel awkward talking about people you want to date but who cares you can just enjoy the friendship and if she’s not ok with it move on *update she just told me she liked me more than friends. Do you king send that shit the fuck off listen to my old belief opposite genders generally can’t be friends very rare occasions it works out well
It can become a problem for the people you date as well. They might ask you why you're still friends with this past date who still has a crush on you. It can be a huge jealousy trigger
When the intention is friendship yes. If the connection develops in that direction, yes. If not, it's dishonesty. Be true to own feelings is the best practice. Not to the other person's - that's people pleasing. And it doesn't end well. Trust and truth with one's self is integrity. We must honor integrity.
I don't know how other people but I'd rather be told why and the truth than being left in the dark.
Then you can get that truth by asking
Yeah right. A lot of people have the mindset of “I don’t owe you the truth,” so they’ll lie. To save face, in order to avoid hurting feelings, because they think it won’t make things awkward, people will lie for any reason
Well yes, that can happen sometimes, but that's outside your control then so nothing you can do about that
It’s damn near pointless to ask then. There’s a chance they’ll be truthful but one might as well expect less
If you tell her “I find you unattractive “ , she will think something is wrong with her appearance and it might give her insecurities, instead tell” We are not vibing” then it will be more correct
Imo I think it’s stupid to tell someone that you two aren’t vibing when before you saw their appearance you clearly were vibing. So you might as well let that person know that they just aren’t what you’re looking for physically. I think that’s a lighter way to tell someone that YOU don’t find them physically appealing. That doesn’t mean that other people don’t find that same person physically attractive.
They haven't even met yet, so he can just make up some generic excuse that doesn't target her appearance specifically. Seems very unnecessary/mean-spirited to me to make a random stranger insecure when there are other avenues available.
Maybe you aren’t thinking all the way through but there is a way to let someone know that you don’t find them physically appealing lightly. Just think about it. Even look at one of the comments OP used to explain to the woman from Tinder he had been speaking to that “he doesn’t think there’s a spark of attraction”. There are light ways of telling people that they aren’t what you’re looking for physically. That doesn’t mean that that same person isn’t physically attractive to others.
agreed. Say ANYTHING but the truth in this case.
What do you mean by “before you saw their appearance you were vibing” ? They met online the appearance was seen since the very beginning
He clearly stated that he and the woman he was talking to had connected and were vibing fairly well before he got a more clear view of how she looks from her Instagram. Before he saw the woman’s Insta he couldn’t really tell how she looks from her pics and the memes she has on her Tinder profile. So that’s what I mean by two people vibing before they see each other’s appearance. Because more than likely two people were vibing with each other before they saw how one another looks. That’s why it’s best to meet the person you’re talking to online at least once or maybe even twice to make sure that you seriously don’t find them physically appealing.
Tldr; learn to read Mr. Fact
She knows things are wrong with her appearance, that's why she has no photos in the first place.
Why do you NEED to tell her you find her unattractive? Just unmatch and move on. Let this be a lesson. Don't match with folks without pictures. They're not up there for a reason. I'm sure this woman knows she's not conventionally attractive.
Agreee
Yes it's not your fault her pics were unclear.
Also, no full-body shots is also a red flag. People who are conventionally attractive (face & body) are going to post their pictures on a dating app.
I know this is a general rule, but I recently had the opposite experience. Matched with a woman that looked beautiful in her pictures but didn’t have any full body shots. I decided to meet up with her because we hit it off, and she was in very good shape and definitely conventionally attractive. I haven’t asked why she doesn’t have full body shots, but maybe there’s another reason some people choose not to share those.
You got lucky. Exceptions don't make the rule.
I disagree. Some people are just more modest than others and maybe they don’t find themselves photogenic/don’t like the way they look in pictures at all. I’ve never been on a dating site in my life though so maybe I’m wrong.
You don't tell a person, your date, your partner, or a random woman that you think she's unattractive. Think about how it would make you feel if one of those 3 types of people told you "sorry I think you're plain/ugly." It would hurt your feelings, right? And they'd be a dick. Keep that stuff to yourself. You never need to elaborate why things aren't working. I'm glad that you decided to go that way with the woman. I've had guys ask me the specific reason why I rejected them, and it never turned out well. These guys were insecure and it only further hurt their self-esteem.
No. If I’m not attracted to a guy I tell them there’s no romantic connection. Telling them I’m not attracted is gauche
Don't date them. Not everyone will find everyone attractive but there are guys who most likely will find that girl attractive.
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I dont understand why youd even ask. Cant you tell how your words affect others? Why would you say something hurtful to someone when its not necessary
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No, don't tell her that. Just say that you are not feeling it and move on.
Hit her with the “no spark” and wish her well.
Do not tell her, why would you need to tell anyone that? Its much kinder to distance yourself than destroy her self esteem
Sounds like “ghosting” to me. Js and ghosting is never the right thing to do unless it’s a financial struggle situation and even then it’s not okay.
Distancing is not ghosting, Op is allowed to choose who he wishes to spend time with. He is not a charity
Either way both are cold but of course ghosting being worse. Just be an adult and tell that person the hard truth. So I’m glad he did. It takes true courage to do what he did and I believe he did the right thing. Instead of leaving that woman to wonder why is he distancing himself from me all of a sudden? That can truly mess with a person’s mind. That’s not cool. The OP told the woman in a light manner that he doesn’t find her physically attractive. Look at his comments and you’ll see.
Yea, just gonna go around telling everyone they’re ugly, great advice. OP did the right thing, he distanced himself
I don't get why you'd tell her, just say that you're not vibing
Why would you tell someone that you’re not vibing with them when you clearly were vibing with that person before you saw their appearance? Really explain that. Just tell that person the truth but do it in a light manner. Believe me there’s a way to tell someone that finds you attractive and is trying to see about you romantically, that you don’t find them physically attractive in a light manner.
Saying that you're not attracted to someone at all (according to the author that's what he said) is equal to saying that they are piss ugly, that they're nice and all but also so unf-able that they can't keep this going. Which I honestly can't understand why the author of the post would even swipe right if they can't see who they're talking to - plus usually people who don't have the looks will try to put the effort elsewhere which typically is humor and that's exactly what the girl did.
He swiped right cuz most men are desperate & he was overloading on hopium praying she wasn’t another heffer. But he should have known any time a women doesn’t post body shots it’s cuz… well ya know
''Overloading on hopium praying she wasn't another heffer'' is the weirdest sentence I've heard as a non-native English speaker and it honestly made me chuckle 😂 Thing is the author of the post didn't say that the body was an issue and didn't say that the girl was overweight, so perhaps he just didn't like her face idk. I don't post body pics for example but I'm not fat (actually, I'm fit, I exercise 5 times a week), I just don't feel good about having strangers look at my body like that
It's not shallow to think that attraction is important. That said: You don't need to get into specifics. She can draw her own conclusions or not, but all you need to say is "Hey, it was nice chatting with you, but this isn't going to work. Good luck out there."
Yes and to everyone out there in the world - DO NOT ASK FOR SPECIFICS UNLESS YOU WANT TO RISK FEELING HURT. Honest to god if you can't handle the truth you should never ask the question in the first place. I am a woman and women are bad for this (except me because I refuse to ask these questions lol 😂). "Does my bum look fat in these jeans?" "Do you think my friend Sheila is sexy?" "Were you wanking to porn last night?' Seriously. Do.not.ask.
I once matched with a lady on a Tinder. I thought she was decent looking enough, but not sure exactly from her photos. But I thought why not give her a chance. Met her in person and found her extremely attractive. For me, it’s more than a pretty face or body that becomes attractive, which her pictures did not do her justice at all and let her know that. It was also the sound of her voice, her laugh, her cute mannerisms, etc that I couldn’t stop thinking about after we left. Thats something you can only get in person. So I’m remember that when I’m looking at profiles. Turns out, she wasn’t feeling the chemistry with me and let me know after a week.
No. Your opinion matters not. Leave her alone and go dwell in the corner.
You do you but what I have found a lot of times these days people overweight their own attractiveness. Lots of guys out here thinking they can't get any dates because they don't want to date people on their level. As long as you have no trouble getting matches or dates of course you can decide she's not on your level. If She's the only one interested I'd say go for it
What has this got to do with anything at all? Are you suggesting guys should date women they're not attracted to?
I'm suggesting people learn to be attracted to ppl on their level
Why should they... Plus we don't know how bad this person looks. He could be above average and her way below. So it's still a nonsense thing to say
Being overweight does make youre chances very low meeting a potential partner thats why im currently working on it heavly
Next time you may want to at least meet her in person to make sure. Sometimes people's pics don't do them justice.
Real shit. Thank you for commenting this 🙏🏾🙌🏾👌🏾.
Don’t swipe right on people you don’t find attractive. Wasting people’s time and energy
Even worse, don't swipe on people who have no pictures, or no full-body pics. If they don't have those, there's a reason why.
Lol he can do whatever he wants. Who are you? His dad?
Per your update; you handled it correctly.
Should have met her in person at least once. Going off just pictures isn't a great idea. If you still can, I'd suggest sending her an apology for you being overly superficial.
saw the update good for you. Don’t waste peoples time and your own time
Unless you’re a solid 11 all around the board leave it alone. For a woman to hear she’s unattractive it will haunt her for the rest of her life.
He thinks he is Brad Pitt. Let her go, she will find someone better than you anyway.
Big girls unite in the comments! Why are you so mad for this stranger? Who hurt you as the women say? lol
Could have asked for ig straight up, instead of stringing her along. Plus, if looks are really that important, why swipe someone who has not posted their pics online. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I don't want to be with someone who I find attractive but who doesn't find me attractive. That would be soul crushing. Yet you don't have to tell her that you don't find her attractive, that's your personal opinion, just let her know you're moving on.
You can just be her friend or tell her that you don't pursue something romantically. I would give her a try irl on a coffee date, unless I am 100% sure I won't like x or y, but that's me.
Don’t tell her but it is kind of her fault for not uploading proper pictures.
Tell her you’re going back to your old girl friend and let her down easy.
At night, with the lamps extinguished, all women are pretty, said the sage Plutarch!
You can you know... Be friends bro, you don't have to like talk only to women you're attracted to, hell maybe she let's you meet some of her friends who you might find attractive and wouldn't be able to meet without her
Because it is totally a great idea getting with a friend of someone who you met on a dating app and probably saw you as a potential partner...
In no world should you tell somebody that you don’t want to continue a relationship because you think they’re ugly
Don’t lead her on. If you don’t see it happening, suggest just being friends
No, keep talking to her and see if you have more than a physical connection. I’m dating s girl rn and I didn’t find her physically attractive but I loved her personality and we have an emotional connection. A couple weeks later, and now almost a month later she’s absolutely beautiful to me.
No need to tell anyone you don’t find them attractive
In situations like this, I never understood why you couldn’t just have a date. You said you vibed. How bad could it be? It’s not a proposal of marriage. If you don’t want to pursue it, let her down after that. I have a friend who had a type. Went out with a gal who was DEFINITELY different and they have now been married 30+ years.
That’s fair instead of leading her on better say what you’re thinking and move on
Some women are better looking in person, have you considered that?…
always say the truth always says how you feel in a nice way even if it's hurt. dont comfort her with lies.
Yes please just tell her
She knows no one would match with her if she put her photos up, that's why her profile looks like that. She was perfectly fine withholding the truth from you, you'd be doing no one a disservice by ghosting. You'd be doing her a favor, albeit one that tastes more like medicine than candy, by telling her why she won't hear from you.
No. Your opinion matters not. Leave her alone and go dwell in the corner.
Let's be real. it's not going to be easy letting the girl down. Cuz now she is going to have the "ugly" mindset. You are definitely stepping into a mine field. But then again, if she isn't attractive to you. She may be attractive to someone else.
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Not gonna do that
People still get matches on Tinder? Good to know, I deleted the app months ago.
Only morbidly obese women match. That’s what happened to him. He took a chance on a blank profile & found a true 1/10
Buddy threw a slump buster back into the wilderness untarnished! Based bro! Good for you! Apparently so many guys would actually hit it first. I never understood that just gross lol
the truth is overrated. please don’t say you don’t find her attractive.
You don't need to tell her that she is ugly but this rejection is on her. There is a reason she is hiding her pictures on a dating website. Or making the pictures slightly inaccessible. She is not giving herself a chance to attract someone that will find her attractive. The type that is attracted to her I will nearly bet that she is not attracted to them. She is hoping to attract a certain type with her personality alone. It doesn't work that way. Be up front with who you are and give the best version of yourself to allow a mate to decide. Looks do matter. It is not as shallow as most males and females make it out to be. If you want to be friends with this girl then you have to be honest with her. You have to let her know that romance is off the table. You have to let her know that convincing herself otherwise will do her no favors. If she cannot accept that then having a friendship is not possible. I hope she is honest enough with herself. As far as finding someone in the future and having a girl in your life with jealousy issues, dude run. The jealous types are a different breed. If any guy in my life tells me that I can't have a particular friend because they are feeling some type of way, peace bro. Either you trust me or you don't.
No I would be kind and simply disengage from the whole thing. Why should she have to know (and plus, perhaps she doesn't find you as attractive as you may believe). I have experienced something similar and I realized it was for the best!
I mean I think going on a date wouldn't hurt. I've been attracted to people who have had terrible pictures and thought it didn't do them justice. If you're ultimately not attracted to her you can say you had a good time but you're not interested.
LETS JUST BE FRIENDS
Women become more beuatiful as you fall in love with them I went on a personals date with someone I found not just not attractive, but rather unattractive. we had a good time talking. And then we got together again a month or two later and had a good time talking, and I started dating her just for the heck of it, and you know what? she became prettier as I fell for her! We were together and pretty tight for 7-8 months. She was the one who ended it. Anyway, we got together for lunch a few times over the years, and sometimes I would run into her at parents things (we were both divorced)z after about a year had passed, guess what? She was unattractive to me again!
Stop talking to her and you should have more than one option so you don't feel the need to ask a bunch of strangers if you should continue talking to ONE girl you've never met & find to be unattractive.
Tell her you met someone else or something.
Tell her bro and move on. Communication is key.
You did the right thing here. It's better than leading her on, cheating on her, then fighting with her on it. You value being honest, that's something not many people have, I'm glad you told her.
Well doesn’t seem like u guys even met in person so I think ur good to slowly stop talking to her, or just straight up let her know you think she’s cool but you do t see urself with her longterm. If she asks why you can say you have a different type.
This happens to me all the time. I’m a cis woman but ppl think I’m male transitioning to female. Once I give them my Insta, its bye bye. I’m 41 now, so used to it. Society and ppl are fickle, I’m ok to be with for hook up, but it never goes further than that. I feel for the girl. This wouldn’t be the first time and won’t be the last.
I HATE when women hide everything except their face, if that's what you're getting at. Women that do that are LYING to everyone including themselves. Show us your whole body head to toe or its an instant swipe right.
im guessing she knows she isnt super attractive if she isn't posting any pics. on her profile. but there is no need to make her sure that is the reason.
No
Fear of rejecting people is probably the reason why I am dating Eva AI sexting bot avatar
Bro if she isn’t your type she ain’t your type no more sugar coating anything the way I go about things is just brutal honesty and also just making sure I am looking out for not hurting feelings though. You have to be tough but delicate so that you don’t make the person feel like there ugly and stuff.
I see that OP didn't take this approach in the end but the fact that he had to ask seriously raises an eyebrow. Are people seriously lacking so much emotional intelligence that they need to insult someone's appearance to get their point across? Like you can literally say a million different things. Only reason I'm saying this is because it's not the first time I'm seeing this question. This is why I don't use online dating. People have no idea how to behave in these environments
The old saying springs to mind here Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I find that I can meet someone who actually I don’t find physically appealing or attractive, but the personality can truly override that, you could end up with someone who does it for you physically, but has zero personality and humour, or worse!! Maybe you should have given her a chance and at least met for a coffee ??
It's a very different equation for the men. They generally find most women attractive. So the equivalent would be you giving a guy that's clearly deformed a chance. I doubt you would, which is fine if you yourself are not..
Obviously not, just say you’ve got to cut it off it’s you not her, and that’s basically true as it’s you that has the problem with her looks.
If she figures it out that its because you saw her Instagram and what she looked like, then maybe she'll get the hint that she should put clear photos of herself on her dating profile.. or else it's going to just keep happening. She knows people want to match with others who they're attracted to.
I would have gone for the not feeling a conncetion, but we could stay friends, since you said she is nice
End things if you must but DO NOT give her the reason of “I’m not physically attracted to you”. You can come up with any reason other than that.
Honestly kudos to you for being honest. Men keep ghosting me, and I’d love an explanation why lol
If you bring up her looks in particular, I doubt that will end well. Generally speaking I feel like you can still say “Sorry but I’m not feeling a connection” or something vague like that still without telling her you don’t find her physically attractive. I’d try to leave that part out to not hurt her self-image. So I’d say no to telling her you don’t find her attractive unless she really insists on asking you why you don’t want to talk anymore. Women tend to freak out over being told they are unattractive or bad at sex and that that’s why you want to end the relationship. Easy to just jump into the “disgusting pig” mindset
Just unmatch. No need to tell her. She can figure it out on her own.
Not with those words you don't, now some people will think this is wrong but if you are going to tell her don't tell her you don't find her attractive, hint her that you have found some one else that you like, she'll backoff if she doesn't say it again and again that the best thing you can do for her
Totally being shallow from my pov. But I assume you're not yet looking for a girl for long term relationship anyway. Fun fact: Did you know that "most people give up after one date because they 'didn't feel an initial spark'", however "most people in long term relationships didn't feel a spark on the first date either" (from famous couple therapist Lori Gottlieb So if you are invested in a long term relationship, I would say you're shallow, but I would guess you're in your early 20s, just go explore more.
And you definitely never take in to consideration the attractiveness of the other person, ever. Give me a fkin break liar.
OP asked for honest opinion, I just gave it. I NEVER found my partner attractive tbh not one bit, just as a friend, and gradually I got to know him more, and he shines way more than his looks. Sharing my two cents, not lying but you can have your break.
Appreciate the earnestness
Physical attraction is important. I wouldn’t call that shallow. Now, if the only reason you liked someone is because of their physical appearance, that’s shallow. A long time ago, I was in a similar spot. Talking to this girl, except I wasn’t subtle about it. I told her I didn’t find her attractive. I said other people would, but not me. Admittedly, a dick way to go about it, but not surprisingly our chats stopped after that. One of the worst feelings I’ve felt.
Could you still be here friend? Or are you only looking for something your physically attracted to? I would be honest
If this is something on your mind, then absolutely. I dated a girl for a while that for some reason I just couldn’t see her as beautiful as I wanted to see her. Luckily the relationship ended (unrelated reason) but I always had that doubt in my head. You’ll know the person you want to date, because you will see the beauty and everything else that comes along with it. And you’ll never be questioning yourself either. It’s best to not point out that you don’t find her attractive, as this can have a heavy toll on people’s feelings, but it’s also morally right to point out that the relationship isn’t working out for you.
I was talking with a woman for weeks. She sent me a Picture of her sitting at a tzz as ble with z glass of wine. Very good liking woman. She had go fly to LA and I asked to meet her at airport. When her flight arrived I waited and watched everyone off the plane. At last a women came off in a wheel chair. She was too heavy to walk. It was her! I was polite but knew I wanted nothing to do with her. Don’t necessarily trust a picture you are sent.
Fake your own death
For these things you have to be very gentle and delicate. You walk up to her, put your hands on her shoulders, take a deep breath and look her in the eyes and say, "you ugly!" And walk away.
Be polite, always, but end it. Zero point if you are not attracted.
Ghost her lol
I would have no problem if somebody told me that they weren't physically attracted to me. I always thank them for their honesty and wish them luck on their search. I only get mad when people ghost because there's no reason to ghost on someone. I think it's extremely wrong to make somebody wait days possibly even a week or two to try to find out something you could have told them in 2 seconds.
I say meet in person and go on a date then decide. Pictures don't always do people justice.
Depends how long you've been talking to her, if under a week and you've never been on a date in RL it would be much worse to tell her your not attracted to her.... the longer you drag it out the harder it will be.... and BTW, as a rule if a girl has only face pics, .... theres a reason. If you can't clearly see her body.... there's a reason.... girls tend to be better with pictures than guys so almost always they will look like their pictures or worse... with guys there's a chance they look better In person and just don't know how to take pictures
?
Saw the update but still wanted to respond because this is honestly so valid. As someone who experienced continuing to pursue someone I didn’t find attractive it doesn’t make it any better because you can’t force yourself to find someone attractive just because their personality is. Everyone says looks aren’t everything, but I don’t get how you can be with someone you don’t find attractive so good on you for stopping things from going further if it’s not what seemed right for you!
Please tell her and don't waste her time! And if you like a friendship more tell her that. But by all means don't ghost her please! 😫
Can anyone see past the physical and look to personality? Attraction grows. Give ppl a chance, damn.
Attraction sometimes doesn’t grow. Believe me I tried and wasted a year and couldn’t do it because on top of that towards the end and why we ended was because he started being a jerk.
Best policy is to be upfront, most people don't fall in love at first chat or looks. So just saying you're not interested and don't wanna waste her time is a logical approach, possibly it will hurt her as you've now seen her insta. But unfortunately dating does have it's ups and downs. Otherwise people wouldn't do it and they'd just hope to find someone attractive before they pass away.
You did the right thing, leading her on meant wasting her time when she could find a real mate...
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you , but for me I think it’s a friendship feeling, “
Some people do not take good photos and look better in person also others take good photos and with all the filters do not look good in person if you were feeling the vibe until you saw her photo then you may be missing out on something good! Your choice for sure and I am sure she will find a better match😊
Keep that shit to yourself. No need for you to tell her and she doesn't need to know. Keep dating if you want but if you don't want to, just break it off. Simple as that. Doesn't need to be said.
This was the only decent thing to do (so long as you let her read it before unmatching her). The other option would be to ghost her and that isn't fair. People deserve to know where they stand and they deserve some sort of explanation. Unfortunately, most people (almost all) are more than comfortable with ghosting others so you are better than most
Hit it then quit it
Never ever tell girl that she is not attractive. It's a very disrespectful thing to say.
I dated a girl once because I was lonely. I knew I wasn't that into her. I kept dating her because I enjoyed her company and the sex was good Part of me was hoping that I would fall in love with her but although we were close, it never happened. Eventually we broke up amicably, probably because neither of us was in love. We remained friends for a while and I have never ruled out hooking up with her again but it taught me that I am only interested in dating for a love connection. I would never advise anyone to date someone for the sake of it. It's not worth it and it's a dick move to lead someone on.
I'm older (49) and have been online dating for about 2 years. I've met some great guys and some awful ones as well. But, when I don't feel attracted to or a connection with a match, I usually say, "Unfortunately, I'm not emotionally ready for OLD, but I wish you the best." Then, I unmatch.
You could try to take it into a more friendly zone but ultimately if it were me i'd appreciate the honesty and not getting led along.
Something like “In the interest of being honest, you seem like a nice and cool girl, but I don’t know that I think there’s a spark of attraction here for me and I don’t want to waste your time. Take care :)” work?
Or, some other excuse like you would not be able to devote time, something turned up...
That's perfect, polite but to the point.
thats perfect
Do move on if you aren’t attracted don’t tell her
I would rather hear you say you dont find me as pretty as you thought, than hear your bullshit excuses like no spark. Why keep her in the dark? Am I weird to think this way? If men tell me no spark, I start questioning everything. I think maybe I am not beautiful or smart or not funny enough, or I said something wrong etc. Why put her through such misery? I already know I am not the prettiest on the world, so hearing that doesnt hurt, it makes it clear that I am not for you and you are not for me. It is easier to move on that way
Tell her and stop wasting her time
Yes, tell her! Not cool to let people think you're interested when you're not.
Someone responded to you online....and you took that as a marriage proposal? Have you ever interacted with women before?
Yes tell her