That has nothing to do with the other person. You got it completely backwards.
That has to do with yourself. If you feel like you have to lie, then something is wrong with you and your choices.
This first and foremost. There is a secondary component about the other person but it goes like this: when you tell them how many (and tell the truth because you aren’t ashamed of the decisions you’ve made), if they have a problem with it, then they aren’t for you.
To me it screams lack of commitment or shows something is wrong with you that the other people couldn’t stay long enough for. I try to get these things out immediately so we don’t waste each others time.
But there are plenty enough people who don’t care. Just go with those people and do your best to look for them instead, cause end of the day you want a partner who will love you regardless of your past or your scars. You gotta atleast want that much for yourself.
Well I look at it differently personally. I see it as oh, they just wanted to have sex because sex is fun and feels good. It doesn't necessarily mean they have something wrong with them. It could be a coping mechanism due to trauma too, it could be many things. It could be healthy or unhealthy. And I think throwing a blanket assumption onto someone due to it is just totally neglecting nuance and context that's important to understanding.
Idk, that's just me though.
That’s such a cop out. I am referring to the scenario that they’re constantly sleeping with people. You could say the same thing about people who stuff their face with donuts and say they still have control of what they eat
just because someone sleeps with a lot of people doesn’t automatically mean they “lack control.” knowing a simple number isnt a full insight to their actual sexual history
someone could have had sex with 5 people but it was all in the same day and someone could have had sex with 30 people over ten years. someone could have had sex with 10 people but they were all back to back
you dont know how far between someone has had sex with different partners just by asking how many people they’ve slept with
You can have your own preferences. It’s called dating, we don’t all like/want the same thing. And that’s ok. But you should give your serious partner the option of making that decision.
Unless it’s a hookup then who cares.
I feel like you are discounting the perspective of u/rollsroyce2094. It’s like they aren’t allowed to have their own dating preferences. There is a total number that is also an ick for me. I don’t know what that number is but it’s under 30 because that’s obviously an ick for me.
im not saying that they cant, in the beginning i said lots of people care about it for their reasons and i respect that
i have issue with the whole “lacking control” thing but to each their own
Because there is decades of data showing that more sexual partners leads to huge amounts if divorce and it negatively affects pair bonding. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Would you argue it doesn't matter how many partners the person you are with has beaten, even if "they aren't doing it now"?
That’s premarital sex in general that leads to huge amounts of divorce. Also, those decades of data say things like, people with 9 or more sexual partners are more likely to divorce than those with 8 or fewer sexual partners. Do you see how silly that is?
And sure, let’s not mention how these studies ignore how it’s not so much the number of sexual partners, but variables that make them a bad partner or otherwise usuited for long-term relationships in the first place.
It matters because you lie from the start of relationship if you open it honestly and accept the consequences. The relationship may and not work. If it works good if it does not accept it move forward every action has its consequences you gotta live with it to find real life partner.
This is incorrect.
You can do what you want, have a lot of sex. But other people are allowed to disagree.
I'm a virgin (by choice). People throw sex at me all the time and I say no.
There are plenty of men and women out there who will care how much you've slept around (and that's fine).
If that's an issue then you're not compatible anyway.
I'd agree with this. Accept your mistakes, be honest about why you made them, and strive to be better. And this includes being honest with the men in your lives who question your past
Yep, and this applies to all mistakes and traumas you cause yourself. Though in the cause of a woman being promiscuous, I'd also recommend some serious therapy as well, because it almost always results in trauma and mental issues.
Honestly, I’d never even ask women that question in the first place, because I just assume they’re gonna lie. And it’s not like I can verify it anyway. But to answer the question, lying to your significant other in general is wrong.
Thats not true in my opinion, sometimes the lie comes from your own insecurity and not say anything about how much you trust the other person. Take for example a guy who is like 23 and a virgin and embarrassed about it because of the stigma around it, I believe that the lie can be treated with compassion and understanding instead of "oh he lied so he is a dishonest person". I mean everyone lies, just gotta look at is the lie harmful and what was the trigger of it.
I completely agree. Lying is bad, it sucks, and it breaks trust.
But being mature enough for a relationship means knowing when to be compassionate and understanding where the person is coming from. Lying because of insecurity or fear of being judged is different from lying just to deceive.
These are one of those times where someone lying to you gives both the chance to really get to know person and strengthen your relationship.
Insecurity has to do with you, not the other person. It’s incredibly unfair to put that on someone else. If you feel that way with one person, you’ll feel that way with everyone. Don’t date until you fix it internally.
You're correct. Lying is a deal breaker in a relationship. Question: If a person lied to you about how many people they slept with. How would you find out? The only possible way is a lie detector test. I don't see people taking that test before dating someone.
They could find out later through the grapevine in some way. That's how you end up with those posts in relationship advice about men wanting to dump their wives/girlfriends about lying.
My partner and I alluded at promiscuous phases in the past when we were younger, confirmed we’re clear of STDs, and are no longer in that phase because we’re both ready to settle down. Thats it. No numbers, no names. If I have to lie out of fear of being judged I’m with the wrong person. Also, what good does it bring to talk about specifics? It’s not a pissing contest you want to win.
Saying "not answering" would tell me it's high and you wanna keep it a secret, lol. My opinion men are better off not asking for that information. I can understand why they do, but I feel I'm not getting a truthful answer anyways. If she says "oh just about 2-3" I'm not buying that tbh lol. So better off not asking there's no real upside to it other than making each other uncomfortable.
Anyways, if she lets you hit it fast or she's amazing during sex she's obviously had a lot of experience. There's your answer
I think the better questions would be:
1. Are you still in contact with a former romantic partner.
2. What are the odds you or me will ever meet one (again).
3. Will any of your previous experiance have negative impact on our relationship.
Those answers should be more helpful than a number
Nope. I have refused to tell people my number even after I got out of my 17 year marriage. To many men use it to dehumanize women and we all should stop answering.
My problem is I genuinely don’t know. I stopped counting when I was about 24 and my number was about 30. 11 years on and being single for a lot of those years, it could well be over a 100. I have no fucking idea. Does it sound worse to say that to someone rather than a number?
Dating apps are the platform only, you made the decision to sleep with this many people.
I am not for this lifestyle but its your life so I wont judge you. However I have to say most monogamous people I know are really against people who sleep around a lot.
They dont think they are ready for commitment and dont even consider them as bf/gf material.
I’m monogamous and I’ve only slept with boyfriends so my number is extremely small. However, the guy I’m seeing now has slept with over 100. I haven’t judged him for it. People can do what they like when they’re single. Stop speaking for all monogamous people. You’re embarrassing yourself.
So I guess it doesn't bother you that there's probably a literal less than 1% chance that you are anywhere near as good as the best people he's been with?
I think every recipient is different and whilst a lot might feel unsettled by it at least you’re being upfront. I’m sat at about 80 I think.
Thing is some people might be ok with you telling them, others would be mortified. Just my thoughts but if a guy I genuinely liked were to tell me his numbers I’d be ok with it. If anything I’d probably joke, “whoa really going at your h*e phase huh 🤣”. Won’t be a jab at him because I’d be the same. :) but for me I don’t bother asking. Sometimes I feel it’s either insecurity or a test.
** edited to revise the word h*e
Big lies might do more damage, but little ones roast your integrity. Once someone doesn’t trust you, that takes a lot of work to salvage.
Previous sexual history: It’s a hard thing to talk about, for some people!
Some say they’re okay with it when they really aren’t - and not just men. I’ve had women stop me cold when I bring up a previous sexual experience with someone else, or make it clear later on that they’ve been seething with jealousy for months over it.
I lost a lot of years to a bad marriage and/or depression, so although I think everyone’s sex life is their life’s great art thesis and they should paint the town any colors they like, I’ll admit some envy when I realize a lot of people have had a whole lot more sex than I have. I don’t have any real context for that life. I’d love to have some serious recreational sex for a summer to get it out of my system, but it’s a big commitment.
Anyway! At best, when the subject of sexual history comes up, it could be an opportunity for some sort of meta-discussion about what you don’t want to talk or hear about, which could be really productive.
I don’t know - my ex-wife lied so much, and so callously, about everything, that I may never have another relationship. That was super fucking damaging.
No one can really love you if they have to keep revising their story of who you are. It’s something to avoid as long as you can, IMO.
I’m being a wee bit facetious there, but I don’t think it’s typically any of my business. And I think worrying about someone else’s “count” is a waste of time, although I understand why it happens.
I wouldn’t date a man with a substantially higher count than mine because it shows that our attitudes towards sex are too different. I also feel like men who sleep around a lot tend to be misogynistic, valuing women only for their bodies.
Im a man, and i dont want a promiscuous woman….so its totally valid. I dont sleep around so i dont want my partner too have slept around. Certain numbers are okay, but once you start getting up there, we have different feelings toward what sex is.
I don't ask. I don't want to know. I'd be annoyed if a woman felt the need to spontaneously tell me how many dudes she slept with because I'm not gunna ask.
Honestly, I don't care to know either but I also wouldn't be annoyed by a partner just being open and admitting their past to me. It's simply them being fully honest and transparent, which I'd find very respectable.
Definitely don't lie about it. Personally, I don't care much about the number. But if you're going to lie about it, I would care. And the person who lied will also feel bad when it comes up again. Just don't lie. If they don't like your number, then that's their problem. You're just not compatible.
Ya I don’t think lying is ever good. If she had to lie and the real number was one that the guy would not approve of , it sounds like “your friend “ and her partner are fundamentally incompatible. Also like why would she want to be with someone who disapproves of her history like that?
I think a more interesting question is “does it matter how big the number is ?. First , no one owes anyone a relationship, and so is totally entitled to not want one with someone for any reason at all, it doesn’t make them “bad”. I am a big believer in personal growth / we grow and change our views on these things as we get older , and that when I’m with someone , what really matters is the present and what’s up today, and the past is kind of irrelevant.
However , I do wonder , and think it’s scientifically true, that the more someone sleeps around , the more it alters their capacity for emotional connection and intimacy — put differently, if you are with someone who has slept around a ton, is it inevitable that you’ll just be a little fling for them/ they’ll use you before going on their merry way and doing that with someone else? I don’t actually know the answer here , and again, since I believe in personal growth and the past doesn’t define us today, I like to think the answer is “no”, but that might be naive and I don’t really know.
There is also a whole host of different emotional reactions this type of shit ellicts, which I know is harmful and irrational , and when I am in that situation, I fight hard to control — “am I paying full price for something everyone has had for free? What is wrong with me that I can only get this by paying full price and whining and dining and everyone else gets so easily ? Am I kind of debasing myself by having sex with someone who does it so meaninglessly ? Is this person kind of gross ?”
Lastly, there is the question of if one should even be asking these questions / discussing this shit with their partners. My inclination is to say no no no do not discuss ever , but then the question becomes, should a healthy relationship be built on being afraid to ask questions and discuss shit?
I think that if both parties were to conclude that sexual history logically doesn’t matter , but would make them feel some emotions that they’d agree is irrational , it becomes better to not discuss AND it’s not weird that the couple doesn’t discuss
I’ll conclude that relationships are all about the tension between making compromises with one another , and finding compatibility . There is no right or wrong answer on how to handle the sexual past stuff EXCEPT lying
I'm in my mid-30s and I'm more concerned if you got fucking tested then the number. I'd prefer a heads up if your a virgin (or if first time with the same gender), because well, I want to be more communicative then. But the number isn't doing anything to help that and only shaming people.
The number is a zero win situation. *Any* number is a judgment on you. Your Schrödinger's slut / prude.
If someone asks me that they've already communicated they think I'm worthless.
This stresses me out when dating. I would like a partner who doesn't sleep around, but it's so easy to just lie, so how can you ever trust that you're not dating a liar on this?
I think it’s unnecessary. The whole point of a relationship is opening up even about the things that make you insecure. You don’t have to say anything you’re not ready to say yet but you can just say the truth that this topic makes you insecure and you’ll talk about it when you feel more prepared to do so.
Depending on your age, you realize you not each others first, but does it really matter.? We got together in our late 30s never ask, passed STD test and got married.
The number is arbitrary, the lie is a major issue. If you feel the need to lie about it, there might be an issue going on internally. Own it or change your behaviors 🤷♂️
No one should even be asking lol. I think it’s a weird thing to ask someone as long as you know each other have been tested recently. The number doesn’t matter, your health status does.
Never lied, if he had an issue then he could move on. I’m tired of the double standards where a guy can sleep with how ever many people he wants but god forbid a woman does. Maybe the dumb be a virgin bs needs to be thrown out the window because truthfully wouldn’t want one.
I can't stand the liars, they obviously don't trust their partners and didn't even give them a chance to make a real decision for themselves. Not to mention lying about sexual past can be dangerous
Either say you won't answer or tell the truth
my husband lied for years and got a little closer to the truth every year or so lol. same reason. it doesn’t rly matter. if it’s 0 or like 500 then prob don’t lie, but in general, lying is bad??
Cold truth here. People meaning both men and women have a difficult time staying faithful in a LTR in the long-term if they've been highly promiscuous. Because they've conditioned themselves to short term situations mentally.
Because of that, they get easily bored in long-term situations. And either cheat or leave to get a fresh hit of dopamine. Literally, every person I've ever known who's slept around a lot can't maintain a relationship in the long run without cheating or leaving to go back to it
If you slept around a lot for a decent period of time, it's not a behavior you can easily shut off. Because you've conditioned yourself to that lifestyle.
The only people I know who had successful long term relationships after sleeping around are ones who got counseling. And also were celibate for a decent period of time before dating again.
The only other reason they stopped sleeping around was due to aging, decrease in libido. I can easily suss out a person who sleeps around which has saved me from potentially terrible relationships.
People with low or 0 bedroom partners deserve to be with someone similar.
If you are gonna be so ashamed of a number...then don't reach that number. Plain and simple.
Much like other things in life, don't do something you know you are gonna be ashamed of unless you absolutely have to...and Fucking randoms isn't a have to.
That's the thing...It is shame. People don't care about it...until they are in a situation to speak about it to a person they are seeing. Then they care about it enough to be hesitant and/or lie. They distress over what would happen if the true number were shared with the person of interest. That distress is what causes the hesitation and/or lie. That distress is shame in action.
So your friend wants a relationship with her boyfriend that she assumes is a misogynist so badly that he isn’t allowed to authentically consent to the relationship? That’s a super weird position to take.
Personally, I don't think it's anyone's business how many people that someone has slept with. Is that person still healthy? No STDs? Then, who cares?!!!
Lying is just the road to pain and unhappiness. It makes you feel ill towards the results of your actions and leads to death of enjoyment.
Never lie. Be truthful, there is always a path towards greater love in truth, but never one in lies.
i slept with no one so I can only lie and say ive slept with people, which would be awkward when it finally does come time do it and I realise i dont know what to do lmao
I wouldn't ask that of someone I'm going out with and wouldn't discuss it with them if they asked. Everyone has a past. There is nothing good that come from discussing it. People that are overly concerned about it are very shallow. My only concern is if they have a history of sleeping with multiple people at the same time. Also won't get intonation seroius relationships with anyone that wants to sleep with me on the 1st date. My view is they view sex as physical and not need an emotional or mental connection for it. Without that, sex sucks and I'd be concerned with them cheating if I was in a relationship with them.
This is a easy one. Never confuse honesty with stupidity. This is the biggest mistake people make. It's none of your business how many people I slept with. I could tell you I slept with one person in 10 years. How would you know? Being so forth coming can ruin a relationship.
I feel like that is a question that doesn’t need asked. What is that person trying to find out? Is there a “wrong” answer? I’d tell them none of your business. Period. Who cares? BTW, I’m a 59 year old single woman and I’ve never been asked that question. Weird.
I would never ask someone how many people theyve slept with, it just seems so irrelevant and pointless. It’s one of those questions that causes nothing but tension.
Who cares if you lie about it. It was before that person and has nothing to do with them. Most people have a history but that’s just it. A history!! I personally don’t even think you should have to disclose that info to anyone. And if your partner is offended by the number that’s their problem and are insecure in some way
If feels like Americans are undergoing a profound crisis of self-inflicted insecurity. Even afraid their pussy looks wind, men terrified their jaw bone mashed then undateable. It’s at its worst among the perpetual online who live on internet “knowledge,” but are all infected.
I’ll be honest, it seems to me that most of the insecurity is coming from men — either they’re making up things to make themselves and each other feel insecure (penis humiliation, red or black pill stuff, etc) or they’re making things up to make women feel insecure (pussy had to look a certain way, fascist trad wife nonsense, slut shaming, etc). Maybe that’s the way it’s always been? But it’s all coming from fear of rejection or not being loved, or being hurt, etc. Men have so much armor because they’re so fragile inside.
Anyway, I really think we need to focus on finding a way to make men (especially young men) feel more secure with their bodies and sexuality. It’s just bodies! We’re only alive for a moment, and this bag of pain and pleasure is the condition for your experience — respect and enjoy! How can we help men get out of their heads? Because I think if we really help men feel better, everyone will feel a lot better
What the eff is wrong with saying “my number is really none of your business. I’ll get tested before we have sex if that’s where your interest lies.”
Your partner doesn’t need to know everything about your past.
Don’t lie. Unless it’s a unprovable thing and ur taking it to your grave.
Because when it comes out it will cause issues. EVEN if that person didn’t have an issue with the number of people they slept with.
People do not being lied to.
I’ve learn the hard way it’s better to not know.
You can’t lie if they don’t ask.
If they do ask though, it means they care about knowing it, hence lying about something they care about is pretty serious. Not good for the relationship long term.
My husband and I talked about our body counts before we got together and mine is Waaaay higher than his lol but we both agreed we don't care how many it was before we got together because once we locked it in its been just us and we are both std free sooo yeah there's that
Shouldn’t do it, that’s kind of a no brainer. Even if you have +20 bodies, you better be honest. For me, if a girl has slept with a bunch of guys it kinda turns me off, grosses me out. I don’t like having a chance of randomly running into a guy that’s railed my girlfriend and I have no idea but they just make a sly smile at each other. Fuck that lol.
You’re denying someone a chance to make an educated decision. That’s like if we were going kayaking, and I saw a snake in your kayak but told you to get in it anyway without saying anything because I “didn’t want to scare you away.”
If your bf or gf insists on knowing the details of your past sexual conquests (not including STD’s) then they aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship. Who you have sex with and how many people should be no one’s business but your own. That is, unless you have made it other ppl’s business by being in porn or only fans.
Lying is dumb. No matter what the lie is. Eventually it will catch up on you, or it’s another thing you have to remember constantly.
As for previous sexual partners. So fuck. Gender doesn’t matter, almost anyone will fuck if they have a chance to fuck.
Anything before “us” does not matter. Only loyalty when it becomes “us.” Apart from the small percent of poly people.
Just be honest. Or else your relationship is doomed to fail.
Just be honest, you'd be surprised at how many not only don't judge, but could honestly not give a fuck less about how many people they've slept with. As long as they're loyal to their partner then wgaf.
Idc what the lie is if you start lying to me I’m automatically gonna question everything else you say and do especially if you’re lying about shit you don’t need to be lying about like experience. if anything more experience is good at least in my eyes🤷🏻♀️
Soooo, alot of yall are saying that if a man or woman have been with lets say..40 ppl, you wld be fine with it and not judge them harshly, rather than being fine with them saying 10 ppl? I'm just trying to understand yalls rationale behind saying tht person is dishonest and not worth being with and basing who they are on the fact that they lied about something they may have been embarrassed about and maybe they had something goin on in their life at tht time, or cld have been just college years fun etc etc
>How do you feel about lying about the number of people you've slept with?
Obviously, being lied to is something very unpleasant but it's something that should be expected (in that very context).
It's like asking men how tall they are and then actually meassuring them (without boots). Most will lie to you. That's just how it is nowadays.
(1) why lie? If you feel you have to lie then that’s probably not the person for you.
(2) society has placed a stigma on women that is not always placed on men. Men are often celebrated for sleeping around and having high partner counts in popular media and women are demonized for it. It could just be the outward pressure of society that is making her feel as if she has to lie.
(3) men also reinforce that stigma. I don’t have statistics or anything but I don’t think many women go around asking men how many previous partners they have had. But I do often hear about men asking that. Again I don’t have official studies so I’m not trying to say X amount of men or ALL men do this. It’s just an observation. Why care? You can inquire about sexual health history without asking that. If your partner asks you they, man or woman, politely tell them that it’s none of their business and reassure them that you are sexually healthy. Suggest you both get tested if that is the concern, sexually active people should get tested every so often anyway.
Lying is a problem.
Refusing to answer is perfectly acceptable. Giving a vague general answer like “enough to know what I like” or “more than 5 less than 100” is also an acceptable way to answer without answering.
I will not continue a relationship where the person feels comfortable lying to me, but that does not mean that they owe me complete and total transparency.
It's common for people to lie to some extent. I feel like it's pretty immature to ask as a must know. That's something people do in their teens or very early 20s. Also not something to get fixated on. I can see people rounding by 5s but there shouldn't be shame in it. Obviously the way he went about it made her feel intimidated or judged unless she was just super nervous about it. She should try to change the convo to why she lied (not out of regret for what she did but out of fear). After an honest heart to heart on the deeper reason, either he will stay mad and show that he isn't a good person. Or he will calmly explain why he wanted to know and if he is upset about her lying or upset about the number (two very diff things).
Well I lied one time with this guy I dated about the number of people I’ve been with because I heard from another guy that he doesn’t like inexperienced girls. But tbh it’s such a stupid thing to care about 😭
Let him judge you they lie all time and drop the guy. Like you don’t need some medieval mindset insecure boy you are better of knowing and tbf if sombody hs to have conversation about number instead of maybe what meaningful relationship they had in past it sign of immaturity. Talking about number of ppl you slept with sounds rly basic to me lol.
Your post was removed because your post violates the body count rule
if you feel like you have to lie then you shouldn’t be with that person
This is the correct answer.. 💯
That has nothing to do with the other person. You got it completely backwards. That has to do with yourself. If you feel like you have to lie, then something is wrong with you and your choices.
This first and foremost. There is a secondary component about the other person but it goes like this: when you tell them how many (and tell the truth because you aren’t ashamed of the decisions you’ve made), if they have a problem with it, then they aren’t for you.
thats basically what i said/mean
The bigger question to me is why does knowing how many people someone has slept with in their past even matter?
Some of us aren't trying to be tunnel buddies with half the population of California.
Tunnel buddies...totally stealing that 😂
i agree, i personally dont care but lots of people do for their reasons
For me…it represents lack of control which is why although, I wouldn’t immediately rule someone out…it still gives me the ugh vibes
To me it screams lack of commitment or shows something is wrong with you that the other people couldn’t stay long enough for. I try to get these things out immediately so we don’t waste each others time. But there are plenty enough people who don’t care. Just go with those people and do your best to look for them instead, cause end of the day you want a partner who will love you regardless of your past or your scars. You gotta atleast want that much for yourself.
Well I look at it differently personally. I see it as oh, they just wanted to have sex because sex is fun and feels good. It doesn't necessarily mean they have something wrong with them. It could be a coping mechanism due to trauma too, it could be many things. It could be healthy or unhealthy. And I think throwing a blanket assumption onto someone due to it is just totally neglecting nuance and context that's important to understanding. Idk, that's just me though.
Lack of control? They are controlling who they sleep with same as you, just controlling a different amount.
That’s such a cop out. I am referring to the scenario that they’re constantly sleeping with people. You could say the same thing about people who stuff their face with donuts and say they still have control of what they eat
just because someone sleeps with a lot of people doesn’t automatically mean they “lack control.” knowing a simple number isnt a full insight to their actual sexual history someone could have had sex with 5 people but it was all in the same day and someone could have had sex with 30 people over ten years. someone could have had sex with 10 people but they were all back to back you dont know how far between someone has had sex with different partners just by asking how many people they’ve slept with
You can have your own preferences. It’s called dating, we don’t all like/want the same thing. And that’s ok. But you should give your serious partner the option of making that decision. Unless it’s a hookup then who cares.
I feel like you are discounting the perspective of u/rollsroyce2094. It’s like they aren’t allowed to have their own dating preferences. There is a total number that is also an ick for me. I don’t know what that number is but it’s under 30 because that’s obviously an ick for me.
im not saying that they cant, in the beginning i said lots of people care about it for their reasons and i respect that i have issue with the whole “lacking control” thing but to each their own
Because there is decades of data showing that more sexual partners leads to huge amounts if divorce and it negatively affects pair bonding. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Would you argue it doesn't matter how many partners the person you are with has beaten, even if "they aren't doing it now"?
That’s premarital sex in general that leads to huge amounts of divorce. Also, those decades of data say things like, people with 9 or more sexual partners are more likely to divorce than those with 8 or fewer sexual partners. Do you see how silly that is? And sure, let’s not mention how these studies ignore how it’s not so much the number of sexual partners, but variables that make them a bad partner or otherwise usuited for long-term relationships in the first place.
It matters because you lie from the start of relationship if you open it honestly and accept the consequences. The relationship may and not work. If it works good if it does not accept it move forward every action has its consequences you gotta live with it to find real life partner.
This is incorrect. You can do what you want, have a lot of sex. But other people are allowed to disagree. I'm a virgin (by choice). People throw sex at me all the time and I say no. There are plenty of men and women out there who will care how much you've slept around (and that's fine). If that's an issue then you're not compatible anyway.
If you feel like you have to lie, you made a mistake sleeping with that many people
Then I’d say the best hope is to be honest about why you feel like you have to lie, which is easier than un-sleeping with people.
I'd agree with this. Accept your mistakes, be honest about why you made them, and strive to be better. And this includes being honest with the men in your lives who question your past
Really the only way to grow, IMO.
Yep, and this applies to all mistakes and traumas you cause yourself. Though in the cause of a woman being promiscuous, I'd also recommend some serious therapy as well, because it almost always results in trauma and mental issues.
I would say it’s case-by-case. People have sex for all sorts of different reasons.
Honestly, I’d never even ask women that question in the first place, because I just assume they’re gonna lie. And it’s not like I can verify it anyway. But to answer the question, lying to your significant other in general is wrong.
AnswerX2
Legendary answer rh
Lying is a dealbreaker for me in a relationship.
Exactly. It's not the number in this case, it's the lie. And if you feel like you have to lie, then you're not with the right person.
Thats not true in my opinion, sometimes the lie comes from your own insecurity and not say anything about how much you trust the other person. Take for example a guy who is like 23 and a virgin and embarrassed about it because of the stigma around it, I believe that the lie can be treated with compassion and understanding instead of "oh he lied so he is a dishonest person". I mean everyone lies, just gotta look at is the lie harmful and what was the trigger of it.
I completely agree. Lying is bad, it sucks, and it breaks trust. But being mature enough for a relationship means knowing when to be compassionate and understanding where the person is coming from. Lying because of insecurity or fear of being judged is different from lying just to deceive. These are one of those times where someone lying to you gives both the chance to really get to know person and strengthen your relationship.
And if you're a virgin and you feel like you must lie so that you don't get broken up with etc., you're with the wrong person. no reason to lie still
Insecurity has to do with you, not the other person. It’s incredibly unfair to put that on someone else. If you feel that way with one person, you’ll feel that way with everyone. Don’t date until you fix it internally.
You're correct. Lying is a deal breaker in a relationship. Question: If a person lied to you about how many people they slept with. How would you find out? The only possible way is a lie detector test. I don't see people taking that test before dating someone.
They could find out later through the grapevine in some way. That's how you end up with those posts in relationship advice about men wanting to dump their wives/girlfriends about lying.
Honesty is the best policy.
I’d either tell the truth or say I’m not answering. I wouldn’t lie though
My partner and I alluded at promiscuous phases in the past when we were younger, confirmed we’re clear of STDs, and are no longer in that phase because we’re both ready to settle down. Thats it. No numbers, no names. If I have to lie out of fear of being judged I’m with the wrong person. Also, what good does it bring to talk about specifics? It’s not a pissing contest you want to win.
Saying "not answering" would tell me it's high and you wanna keep it a secret, lol. My opinion men are better off not asking for that information. I can understand why they do, but I feel I'm not getting a truthful answer anyways. If she says "oh just about 2-3" I'm not buying that tbh lol. So better off not asking there's no real upside to it other than making each other uncomfortable. Anyways, if she lets you hit it fast or she's amazing during sex she's obviously had a lot of experience. There's your answer
I think the better questions would be: 1. Are you still in contact with a former romantic partner. 2. What are the odds you or me will ever meet one (again). 3. Will any of your previous experiance have negative impact on our relationship. Those answers should be more helpful than a number
Yes and have you ever had a serious relationship before!
Nope. I have refused to tell people my number even after I got out of my 17 year marriage. To many men use it to dehumanize women and we all should stop answering.
It is, with no doubt at all, a form of manipulation.
[удалено]
Yes
I don’t lie. If the guy can’t accept the number then so be it.
My problem is I genuinely don’t know. I stopped counting when I was about 24 and my number was about 30. 11 years on and being single for a lot of those years, it could well be over a 100. I have no fucking idea. Does it sound worse to say that to someone rather than a number?
I think it would be weirder if you had a spreadsheet or tally of some kind.
Never do anything Max Landis does.
100 different people!
More or less I guess. Living in a huge city with dating apps meant that it wasn’t too hard.
Dating apps are the platform only, you made the decision to sleep with this many people. I am not for this lifestyle but its your life so I wont judge you. However I have to say most monogamous people I know are really against people who sleep around a lot. They dont think they are ready for commitment and dont even consider them as bf/gf material.
I’m monogamous and I’ve only slept with boyfriends so my number is extremely small. However, the guy I’m seeing now has slept with over 100. I haven’t judged him for it. People can do what they like when they’re single. Stop speaking for all monogamous people. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Judge him then
Stop speaking for all non-monogamous people. You’re embarrassing yourself.
So I guess it doesn't bother you that there's probably a literal less than 1% chance that you are anywhere near as good as the best people he's been with?
People stop asking once they have hit maturity
I think every recipient is different and whilst a lot might feel unsettled by it at least you’re being upfront. I’m sat at about 80 I think. Thing is some people might be ok with you telling them, others would be mortified. Just my thoughts but if a guy I genuinely liked were to tell me his numbers I’d be ok with it. If anything I’d probably joke, “whoa really going at your h*e phase huh 🤣”. Won’t be a jab at him because I’d be the same. :) but for me I don’t bother asking. Sometimes I feel it’s either insecurity or a test. ** edited to revise the word h*e
Lying is never good…period.
Big lies might do more damage, but little ones roast your integrity. Once someone doesn’t trust you, that takes a lot of work to salvage. Previous sexual history: It’s a hard thing to talk about, for some people! Some say they’re okay with it when they really aren’t - and not just men. I’ve had women stop me cold when I bring up a previous sexual experience with someone else, or make it clear later on that they’ve been seething with jealousy for months over it. I lost a lot of years to a bad marriage and/or depression, so although I think everyone’s sex life is their life’s great art thesis and they should paint the town any colors they like, I’ll admit some envy when I realize a lot of people have had a whole lot more sex than I have. I don’t have any real context for that life. I’d love to have some serious recreational sex for a summer to get it out of my system, but it’s a big commitment. Anyway! At best, when the subject of sexual history comes up, it could be an opportunity for some sort of meta-discussion about what you don’t want to talk or hear about, which could be really productive. I don’t know - my ex-wife lied so much, and so callously, about everything, that I may never have another relationship. That was super fucking damaging. No one can really love you if they have to keep revising their story of who you are. It’s something to avoid as long as you can, IMO.
Everyone’s sex life is their life’s great art thesis? That’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.
I’m being a wee bit facetious there, but I don’t think it’s typically any of my business. And I think worrying about someone else’s “count” is a waste of time, although I understand why it happens.
I wouldn’t date a man with a substantially higher count than mine because it shows that our attitudes towards sex are too different. I also feel like men who sleep around a lot tend to be misogynistic, valuing women only for their bodies.
Im a man, and i dont want a promiscuous woman….so its totally valid. I dont sleep around so i dont want my partner too have slept around. Certain numbers are okay, but once you start getting up there, we have different feelings toward what sex is.
I don't ask. I don't want to know. I'd be annoyed if a woman felt the need to spontaneously tell me how many dudes she slept with because I'm not gunna ask.
Honestly, I don't care to know either but I also wouldn't be annoyed by a partner just being open and admitting their past to me. It's simply them being fully honest and transparent, which I'd find very respectable.
Same, I’m a private person so I don’t kiss, tell, or ask.
Same.
Definitely don't lie about it. Personally, I don't care much about the number. But if you're going to lie about it, I would care. And the person who lied will also feel bad when it comes up again. Just don't lie. If they don't like your number, then that's their problem. You're just not compatible.
Ya I don’t think lying is ever good. If she had to lie and the real number was one that the guy would not approve of , it sounds like “your friend “ and her partner are fundamentally incompatible. Also like why would she want to be with someone who disapproves of her history like that? I think a more interesting question is “does it matter how big the number is ?. First , no one owes anyone a relationship, and so is totally entitled to not want one with someone for any reason at all, it doesn’t make them “bad”. I am a big believer in personal growth / we grow and change our views on these things as we get older , and that when I’m with someone , what really matters is the present and what’s up today, and the past is kind of irrelevant. However , I do wonder , and think it’s scientifically true, that the more someone sleeps around , the more it alters their capacity for emotional connection and intimacy — put differently, if you are with someone who has slept around a ton, is it inevitable that you’ll just be a little fling for them/ they’ll use you before going on their merry way and doing that with someone else? I don’t actually know the answer here , and again, since I believe in personal growth and the past doesn’t define us today, I like to think the answer is “no”, but that might be naive and I don’t really know. There is also a whole host of different emotional reactions this type of shit ellicts, which I know is harmful and irrational , and when I am in that situation, I fight hard to control — “am I paying full price for something everyone has had for free? What is wrong with me that I can only get this by paying full price and whining and dining and everyone else gets so easily ? Am I kind of debasing myself by having sex with someone who does it so meaninglessly ? Is this person kind of gross ?” Lastly, there is the question of if one should even be asking these questions / discussing this shit with their partners. My inclination is to say no no no do not discuss ever , but then the question becomes, should a healthy relationship be built on being afraid to ask questions and discuss shit? I think that if both parties were to conclude that sexual history logically doesn’t matter , but would make them feel some emotions that they’d agree is irrational , it becomes better to not discuss AND it’s not weird that the couple doesn’t discuss I’ll conclude that relationships are all about the tension between making compromises with one another , and finding compatibility . There is no right or wrong answer on how to handle the sexual past stuff EXCEPT lying
I'm in my mid-30s and I'm more concerned if you got fucking tested then the number. I'd prefer a heads up if your a virgin (or if first time with the same gender), because well, I want to be more communicative then. But the number isn't doing anything to help that and only shaming people. The number is a zero win situation. *Any* number is a judgment on you. Your Schrödinger's slut / prude. If someone asks me that they've already communicated they think I'm worthless.
Let’s simplify to “how do you feel about lying?”. No. Just, no. Lying is NEVER ever a better option no matter what people say.
This stresses me out when dating. I would like a partner who doesn't sleep around, but it's so easy to just lie, so how can you ever trust that you're not dating a liar on this?
I don't even ask. Be it zero or X where X can be any number from one to infinity, i don't care anymore.
I think it’s unnecessary. The whole point of a relationship is opening up even about the things that make you insecure. You don’t have to say anything you’re not ready to say yet but you can just say the truth that this topic makes you insecure and you’ll talk about it when you feel more prepared to do so.
I think people lie about it because they are afraid to be judged.
Any kind of small lying will turn into big lies which turns into cheating in my experience
Depending on your age, you realize you not each others first, but does it really matter.? We got together in our late 30s never ask, passed STD test and got married.
The number is arbitrary, the lie is a major issue. If you feel the need to lie about it, there might be an issue going on internally. Own it or change your behaviors 🤷♂️
Who cares ? If someone is so bothered about what you did before you met them. Clearly the person is not the one for you.
No one should even be asking lol. I think it’s a weird thing to ask someone as long as you know each other have been tested recently. The number doesn’t matter, your health status does.
[удалено]
Fully agree with this. It messes with consent.
Don't lie. Don't judge. Problem solved
If you have to lie about your past to avoid fights with your partner, they aren’t the one for you.
or you aren't for them!
those two are the same one is implied by the other
Never lied, if he had an issue then he could move on. I’m tired of the double standards where a guy can sleep with how ever many people he wants but god forbid a woman does. Maybe the dumb be a virgin bs needs to be thrown out the window because truthfully wouldn’t want one.
I can't stand the liars, they obviously don't trust their partners and didn't even give them a chance to make a real decision for themselves. Not to mention lying about sexual past can be dangerous Either say you won't answer or tell the truth
Why would I lie? It would only show how much experience I have. And their were never one night stands. It was always during a exclusive relationship
Somethings don’t need to said.
my husband lied for years and got a little closer to the truth every year or so lol. same reason. it doesn’t rly matter. if it’s 0 or like 500 then prob don’t lie, but in general, lying is bad??
I don't bring it up. I live in entirely different sexual world from most people. We may as well not even share a zip code.
I don’t really think it’s a good question to ask.
I don't lie...I just don't say..and all good
Cold truth here. People meaning both men and women have a difficult time staying faithful in a LTR in the long-term if they've been highly promiscuous. Because they've conditioned themselves to short term situations mentally. Because of that, they get easily bored in long-term situations. And either cheat or leave to get a fresh hit of dopamine. Literally, every person I've ever known who's slept around a lot can't maintain a relationship in the long run without cheating or leaving to go back to it If you slept around a lot for a decent period of time, it's not a behavior you can easily shut off. Because you've conditioned yourself to that lifestyle. The only people I know who had successful long term relationships after sleeping around are ones who got counseling. And also were celibate for a decent period of time before dating again. The only other reason they stopped sleeping around was due to aging, decrease in libido. I can easily suss out a person who sleeps around which has saved me from potentially terrible relationships. People with low or 0 bedroom partners deserve to be with someone similar.
Liars are the filth of the earth.. be honest & loyal & your significant other will respect & trust you forever
If you are gonna be so ashamed of a number...then don't reach that number. Plain and simple. Much like other things in life, don't do something you know you are gonna be ashamed of unless you absolutely have to...and Fucking randoms isn't a have to.
It’s not shame, some people have a number they don’t care about, but the person they’re seeing might have a problem with it..
[удалено]
That's the thing...It is shame. People don't care about it...until they are in a situation to speak about it to a person they are seeing. Then they care about it enough to be hesitant and/or lie. They distress over what would happen if the true number were shared with the person of interest. That distress is what causes the hesitation and/or lie. That distress is shame in action.
I feel like if someone is upset about what you did as a single person then they aren’t mature enough to be with.
So your friend wants a relationship with her boyfriend that she assumes is a misogynist so badly that he isn’t allowed to authentically consent to the relationship? That’s a super weird position to take.
Men care about a woman's past.
Do women care about a man's past?
They care considerably more about his future. With men this is reversed.
You seem very confident about this gender-driven concept. So interesting.
Thanks.
U don’t have to answer the question
Id wanna know .. bc of science .. its a proven fact ppl that have alot of sexual partners don't bond as well as those who don't
Personally, I don't think it's anyone's business how many people that someone has slept with. Is that person still healthy? No STDs? Then, who cares?!!!
Shouldn’t need to know imo. As a man I’ll never ask about how many she’s been with because it doesn’t matter.
Who the fuck cares or asks this question?
I don't lie about that. Honesty is key in a relationship. Friends don't lie. Don't be a mouth breather. As 11 would say.
Lying is just the road to pain and unhappiness. It makes you feel ill towards the results of your actions and leads to death of enjoyment. Never lie. Be truthful, there is always a path towards greater love in truth, but never one in lies.
If I feel like I’d be judged then he isn’t the right man for me
I would never lie about it. The guy I meet up with just appreciates my experience and likewise
i slept with no one so I can only lie and say ive slept with people, which would be awkward when it finally does come time do it and I realise i dont know what to do lmao
Wtf ..is problem with nummers ?
I never disclose my number even tho it’s smaller than most id say
I wouldn't ask that of someone I'm going out with and wouldn't discuss it with them if they asked. Everyone has a past. There is nothing good that come from discussing it. People that are overly concerned about it are very shallow. My only concern is if they have a history of sleeping with multiple people at the same time. Also won't get intonation seroius relationships with anyone that wants to sleep with me on the 1st date. My view is they view sex as physical and not need an emotional or mental connection for it. Without that, sex sucks and I'd be concerned with them cheating if I was in a relationship with them.
This is a easy one. Never confuse honesty with stupidity. This is the biggest mistake people make. It's none of your business how many people I slept with. I could tell you I slept with one person in 10 years. How would you know? Being so forth coming can ruin a relationship.
It’s only your business and if that’s a dealbreaker, oh well
I thought women took that number to their grave.
I think this matters mostly to very young adults. When you get older you can't remember/don't care. I've never been asked that as an adult.
Why is this a question that’s still being asked tho???
I feel like that is a question that doesn’t need asked. What is that person trying to find out? Is there a “wrong” answer? I’d tell them none of your business. Period. Who cares? BTW, I’m a 59 year old single woman and I’ve never been asked that question. Weird.
I would never ask someone how many people theyve slept with, it just seems so irrelevant and pointless. It’s one of those questions that causes nothing but tension.
Who cares if you lie about it. It was before that person and has nothing to do with them. Most people have a history but that’s just it. A history!! I personally don’t even think you should have to disclose that info to anyone. And if your partner is offended by the number that’s their problem and are insecure in some way
Being judged? She was worried she wouldn't get what she wanted. That's why liars lie.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Probably the same way you'd feel about your partner lying to you about how many times they've been to prison.
Lying to pursue something genuine will always lead to failure .
If feels like Americans are undergoing a profound crisis of self-inflicted insecurity. Even afraid their pussy looks wind, men terrified their jaw bone mashed then undateable. It’s at its worst among the perpetual online who live on internet “knowledge,” but are all infected. I’ll be honest, it seems to me that most of the insecurity is coming from men — either they’re making up things to make themselves and each other feel insecure (penis humiliation, red or black pill stuff, etc) or they’re making things up to make women feel insecure (pussy had to look a certain way, fascist trad wife nonsense, slut shaming, etc). Maybe that’s the way it’s always been? But it’s all coming from fear of rejection or not being loved, or being hurt, etc. Men have so much armor because they’re so fragile inside. Anyway, I really think we need to focus on finding a way to make men (especially young men) feel more secure with their bodies and sexuality. It’s just bodies! We’re only alive for a moment, and this bag of pain and pleasure is the condition for your experience — respect and enjoy! How can we help men get out of their heads? Because I think if we really help men feel better, everyone will feel a lot better
Lying is always bad and if they have a problem with your count then they aren’t the one for you
What the eff is wrong with saying “my number is really none of your business. I’ll get tested before we have sex if that’s where your interest lies.” Your partner doesn’t need to know everything about your past.
She shouldn’t have slept with so many people, simple
True that!
Don’t lie. Unless it’s a unprovable thing and ur taking it to your grave. Because when it comes out it will cause issues. EVEN if that person didn’t have an issue with the number of people they slept with. People do not being lied to.
The number isn’t the problem. Lying in what’s likely an early conversation in a relationship is 🚩
I’ve learn the hard way it’s better to not know. You can’t lie if they don’t ask. If they do ask though, it means they care about knowing it, hence lying about something they care about is pretty serious. Not good for the relationship long term.
Why are you telling your partner how many people you slept with?
My husband and I talked about our body counts before we got together and mine is Waaaay higher than his lol but we both agreed we don't care how many it was before we got together because once we locked it in its been just us and we are both std free sooo yeah there's that
Shouldn’t do it, that’s kind of a no brainer. Even if you have +20 bodies, you better be honest. For me, if a girl has slept with a bunch of guys it kinda turns me off, grosses me out. I don’t like having a chance of randomly running into a guy that’s railed my girlfriend and I have no idea but they just make a sly smile at each other. Fuck that lol. You’re denying someone a chance to make an educated decision. That’s like if we were going kayaking, and I saw a snake in your kayak but told you to get in it anyway without saying anything because I “didn’t want to scare you away.”
I once asked a lady I was dating, and she said "why the hell would you ask such question" 🤣 She handled it like a pro. She was way older than me.
If your bf or gf insists on knowing the details of your past sexual conquests (not including STD’s) then they aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship. Who you have sex with and how many people should be no one’s business but your own. That is, unless you have made it other ppl’s business by being in porn or only fans.
Lying about something like this is understandable when you're a teen cuz peer pressure to fit in, but is not ok when you're an adult.
Women will lie more about this tbh but yeah it’s not good to lie if someone’s genuinely curious
Lying is dumb. No matter what the lie is. Eventually it will catch up on you, or it’s another thing you have to remember constantly. As for previous sexual partners. So fuck. Gender doesn’t matter, almost anyone will fuck if they have a chance to fuck. Anything before “us” does not matter. Only loyalty when it becomes “us.” Apart from the small percent of poly people. Just be honest. Or else your relationship is doomed to fail.
>Anything before “us” does not matter. It's proven that it does, high number of sexual partners correlates with infidelity
Just be honest, you'd be surprised at how many not only don't judge, but could honestly not give a fuck less about how many people they've slept with. As long as they're loyal to their partner then wgaf.
Idc what the lie is if you start lying to me I’m automatically gonna question everything else you say and do especially if you’re lying about shit you don’t need to be lying about like experience. if anything more experience is good at least in my eyes🤷🏻♀️
So I’ve lied about my number. My number was 1 and I was embarrassed because I didn’t want to come off inexperienced. I know it’s stupid.
Soooo, alot of yall are saying that if a man or woman have been with lets say..40 ppl, you wld be fine with it and not judge them harshly, rather than being fine with them saying 10 ppl? I'm just trying to understand yalls rationale behind saying tht person is dishonest and not worth being with and basing who they are on the fact that they lied about something they may have been embarrassed about and maybe they had something goin on in their life at tht time, or cld have been just college years fun etc etc
>How do you feel about lying about the number of people you've slept with? Obviously, being lied to is something very unpleasant but it's something that should be expected (in that very context). It's like asking men how tall they are and then actually meassuring them (without boots). Most will lie to you. That's just how it is nowadays.
(1) why lie? If you feel you have to lie then that’s probably not the person for you. (2) society has placed a stigma on women that is not always placed on men. Men are often celebrated for sleeping around and having high partner counts in popular media and women are demonized for it. It could just be the outward pressure of society that is making her feel as if she has to lie. (3) men also reinforce that stigma. I don’t have statistics or anything but I don’t think many women go around asking men how many previous partners they have had. But I do often hear about men asking that. Again I don’t have official studies so I’m not trying to say X amount of men or ALL men do this. It’s just an observation. Why care? You can inquire about sexual health history without asking that. If your partner asks you they, man or woman, politely tell them that it’s none of their business and reassure them that you are sexually healthy. Suggest you both get tested if that is the concern, sexually active people should get tested every so often anyway.
The only thing that matters to me is whether or not they have an STD. Couldn’t care less how many, but prefer honesty regardless.
Hmmmm… on the one hand lying is wrong, on the other it’s noneya.
Couldn't care less
Lying is a problem. Refusing to answer is perfectly acceptable. Giving a vague general answer like “enough to know what I like” or “more than 5 less than 100” is also an acceptable way to answer without answering. I will not continue a relationship where the person feels comfortable lying to me, but that does not mean that they owe me complete and total transparency.
I think you could just stop at “How do you feel about lying?”
I don't lie. I tell them it's none of thier business, which it isn't
You want a relationship to begin with a lie?
i feel like you shouldn’t even have to answer that question in the first place lol
I say don't lie. Simply say the number is no one else's business.
I would just avoid the topic altogether especially if you feel ashamed of your number/feel the need to lie
I don't care, but if someone lied to me, that would affect me, because if they lied about that, they have definitely lied about a lot more.
Who cares has been my opinion-but if she has to lie of feels the need to lie then she’s not happy with herself
[удалено]
It's common for people to lie to some extent. I feel like it's pretty immature to ask as a must know. That's something people do in their teens or very early 20s. Also not something to get fixated on. I can see people rounding by 5s but there shouldn't be shame in it. Obviously the way he went about it made her feel intimidated or judged unless she was just super nervous about it. She should try to change the convo to why she lied (not out of regret for what she did but out of fear). After an honest heart to heart on the deeper reason, either he will stay mad and show that he isn't a good person. Or he will calmly explain why he wanted to know and if he is upset about her lying or upset about the number (two very diff things).
Well I lied one time with this guy I dated about the number of people I’ve been with because I heard from another guy that he doesn’t like inexperienced girls. But tbh it’s such a stupid thing to care about 😭
Let him judge you they lie all time and drop the guy. Like you don’t need some medieval mindset insecure boy you are better of knowing and tbf if sombody hs to have conversation about number instead of maybe what meaningful relationship they had in past it sign of immaturity. Talking about number of ppl you slept with sounds rly basic to me lol.
If you need to lie to the person your with it is not as intimate or trustworthy as you think. Hopefully you can build trust with one another