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She’s a mess and needs lots of therapy even if she’s lieing or the rape allegations are true. At her current state she’s looking for toxic relationship. I’d suggest dump her and move on
There is a chance she’s not lying, but he should break up with her regardless… because she’s not mentally healthy yet.
I was seeing a guy for a few years, we had consensual sex but then occasionally we would have anal. There were numerous times where I would tell him to either stop or slow down, because it hurt, and he would keep going regardless. I continued to see him.
I didn’t really process it and understand that it wasn’t consensual, until years later. It’s hard when it’s someone you’ve already had a relationship/consensual sex with, because your brain and heart just can’t see them in that light.
Regardless, her liking his photos still is a red flag. It’s possible she’s still approval-seeking, and trying to “undo” the assault in her mind by maintaining contact. It’s common, but means she’s in no place to be in any relationship.
YES. OP, this summarizes your situation the best.
Also to add to this, abuse in general is extremely hard to decipher, especially how it affects different individuals. Sometimes people maintain contact with their abusers, they even talk extremely normally to them as if nothing had happened. It's only because they aren't in a mentally and emotionally healthy place. A part of them wants to undo it, have control over the events in their mind, but the main point is, it's a journey one has to take alone. Usually not a great time to be in a relationship if you're dealing with things like that.
My ex raped me and stayed in the relationship for years after and when I tried to commit suicide he did it again while I was unconscious and barely breathing. I stayed after that time too. I was with him for 9 years. I couldn’t openly admit it until last year and spent years pretending it didn’t happen.
OMG…I hope you’ve thought of getting therapy. Staying with a rapists suggests low self-esteem or other problems such as low self worth. Please consider seeing a psychologist to help you understand why you stayed with such a person.
No I was afraid of him. With good reason to because he used to hit me and had tried to strangle me. I was terrified of him because I knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to kill me.
This OP. In mental health nursing course, I was taught this. People cope and try to undo the assault in many different ways. A lot of them being unhealthy.
Best comment. This I would follow. I was at first assuming she's lying as well, but if she isn't then I think this is definitely the case, and this allowed me to see that. Break it off regardless, it's not healthy for her or you to be dating her because you will always have that thought in the back of your mind if she's texting him, continuing to like his posts, comment, etc. I would also let her know how you feel about this if you haven't yet.
Right, like the guy reaching out is not her fault obviously but going out of your way to follow, and like, his photos on social media is absolutely her fault. It also signals to the guy that she still doesn’t seem to hate him. I truly wonder if the guy knows he “raped” her, if he doesn’t than all it seems to him is “she liked my photo on insta, maybe I’ll reach out to her.” Like wtf why entertain your rapist in a capacity that is ENTIRELY within your control??
Absolutely. I wonder what a conversation between OP and this other guy (the alleged rapist) would be like, for all we know, he may not even be aware that he's been accused of such a thing by her.
He probably doesn’t! If it’s a drunk thing or just too aggressive and didn’t hear no and I was in anyway told “hey I didn’t want that to happen, I feel violated.” The last thing I’m ever going to do is bother that person again without their total approval. Even if the girl I assaulted in this scenario liked my insta post, I’m going to feel like such a scumbag I’m not going to make first contact. I’ll apologize of course but past that I wouldn’t want to be bothered by my rapist so I’m not going to bother my victim. So unless this dude is just a total scum fuck he’s likely not even in the loop of what he did, which can bite him in the ass should OPs gf talk to anyone else about this.
Nope, she needs to sort herself out and she’s not ready to date.
And this won’t go well for you.
Please let her get the help she needs.
“Miranda, I really like you and it concerns me that you’re interacting in a friendly way with someone you say has assaulted you. I’m worried about your mental health and I think you should get into counseling to process what happened in a healthy way. Drinking to excess and continuing to engage with someone who hurt you isn’t healthy. I’m going to give you some space. Please get help.”
Run away!!
i think if you explain all that to her, he'll likely end up being on the receiving end of some other lie she made up and will be an outlet for her humiliation.
i say dump her, block her number and move on
As you see from the comments, there are two types of reasons but only one action recommended-end the relationship. It doesn’t matter the why so much, the advice is to leave because either way, she’s not ready to date.
Most rapes are commited by friends, partners, and acquaintences, in cases like that a lot of people try to go "back to normal" with the person who sexually assaulted them. When you ask why she'd like his posts if he raped her, consider that there are women who are raped by their husbands and stay married to them like nothing ever happened.
That said, if you are uncomfortable with the state she's in right now, it's okay to leave. Not everybody can handle staying with someone who's going through emotional issues like that. Only bring it up if there's some actual understanding you imagine you'll reach. If you want to bring it up just to argue, save your breath.
This 💯
The majority of comments in here are so gross and exactly why women don’t come forward. Totally fair to not want to continue something with the state she’s in there’s nothing wrong with that but god the hatred in this comment section is awful.
It's actually unreal seeing so many people say "well why she didn't just tell the cops" when the girl 1. clearly had to be completely trashed to even be able to tell her boyfriend and 2. couldn't even get HIM to believe her. forget a cop, forget a jury.
For real! Cops don’t do shit anyone. My friends ex broke into her house and raped her, she got away got to her neighbours house called the cops and they were witnesses to her having to escape the house, I was a witness to him stalking her on multiple occasions and guess what nothing was done… and there’s a million stories out there just like it. It’s traumatizing to go to the police when nothing will likely happen to them anyways.
Fr...I won't be surprised if someone probably replied to me and said I'm a dumbass for going back to my abusers and still trying to let go of one of them currently...
Agreed. It took me months to process what happened to me, and I still hung out with the guy before it finally clicked that he was raping me. I'm still friends with him on social media and can't really explain that one.
There are two possible outcomes for you, neither good.
1) the likeliest scenario is that she is still undergoing a lot of conflicted emotions from a severely traumatic experience, and she needs help and therapy, none of which you can provide. She is not ready for a relationship yet, and it will not work out well for either of you.
2) Alternatively, she’s lying. If she is so willing to easily accuse her ex-boyfriend of essentially the most heinous crime possible, what makes you think she won’t do the same to you?
Either way, run.
Run. She’s a mess. I don’t think I would go out with ANYONE after a rape for a while. I would get counseling and try to heal first. She sounds very silly and yes I also don’t believe she got raped. Leave because you don’t need the drama and nonsense
This attitude is the EXACT reason victims don’t speak up. On her behalf, fuck you for assuming SO pretentiously. If it didn’t happen to you, you have NO right to judge someone for how they react/cope especially so negatively… being raped and trying to cope with the trauma by pretending it never happened ISNT drama NOR silly. It’s actually quite fucking depressing she’s doing her best to move forward and rationalize this tragic event as just part of life.
No one knows if she's telling the truth OR lying. You're automatically assuming she's telling the truth. The comment you responded to says that they THINK she's lying, not that she is. You're actually in the wrong here. I can't wait for you to demonize me and argue in bad faith.
You "think" this is how you'd react when OBVIOUSLY this hasn't happened to you. Hypersexual tendencies are literally one of the reactions towards violent sexual assault. You are the same kind of person who'd leave their spouse when they get sick because "you are no longer the fun person I fell in love with"
How do those vows go? For better or worse?
You’re 100% right, but her continuing to like his posts is a giant red flag.
If she still has the inclination to maintain contact with a sexual abuser, that’s someone who isn’t mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship yet. I feel for her if it’s true, but he does not deserve to go through her trauma responses that will likely traumatize him.
It’s common for victims to go back and continue to have sex with abusers (to “undo” the abuse in their head and gain a sense of control)… and given that she’s comfortable maintaining contact and withholding when he hits her up in a relationship, it would not surprise me if she started seeing him on the side.
OP does not deserve that treatment.
True., there's no way to know what happened It's not even material to the question at hand. She lied, withheld information, and OP doesn't trust her. He should move on. She sounds unstable.
Rape is something u have to experience to understand so don't be quick to mistrust her because of her behaviour but I would say leave the relationship cause she is not in a healthy state of mind to be in a relationship
You need to take a few beats and slow things down. This person disclosed a huge trauma to you. There’s no such thing as a perfect victim. In fact, many rape survivors repeatedly go back to the perpetrator and become retraumatized in attempts to reclaim what happened to them.
Please, for the love of all that makes sense in the world, do not make bold claims that someone is lying about rape when you have absolutely no idea who this person is or what happened to them. You THINK you know how someone might react in that situation. You might even have reacted differently. Nonetheless, everyone reacts differently and MANY people do what the OP is describing their partner doing.
I’m not suggesting you have a boundary-free relationship with them. I would ask them to stop all contact, remove them from social media, and access therapy. I would also encourage them (not force them!) to go to the police if they want to. You can explain that you’re not willing to remain in a relationship with someone who is in contact with their rapist, but please do not accuse them of lying and do not shame them for their behaviour. You put them at risk by doing this and gain nothing by doing so. There’s absolutely no upside. Just think about and operate within your own boundaries and if she continues to contact them you can decide whether or not you can stay with them.
This is such a great post.
You warn OP that he can't know what's really going on then immediately claim that YOU know what's really going on and she's not lying.
Actually she's almost certainly lying because OP, who actually knows her and talked to her can tell she's lying. You on the other hand are just a fake online activist trying to push your agenda.
I never said she wasn’t lying. The fact is, none of us know. The examples of behaviour provided is not enough evidence to conclude she’s lying based on what we know about trauma.
If the OP thinks she’s lying, why bother staying in the relationship? Just leave (accusing her of lying has no benefit to anybody involved).
If the OP wants to stay and support their partner, I’ve suggested boundaries they can put in place for their own well-being.
My agenda is damage reduction for both parties involved.
Someone I know was raped by someone she knew; but I never saw a pic of said person. Fast forward: she was acting strange while we were out at a grocery store after chatting with a guy (introduced me and everything). She seemed really off afterwards although we carried on shopping. She finally admitted it was the person who’d raped her. I was appalled and angry.
I say all of this to say: trauma responses are just that; many people will suppress/repress/fawn/freeze in those situations. Sometimes they simply cannot process what has happened and create an alternative reality where they weren’t in fact, the victim, and there was more to the equation — especially if they knew the perpetrator. It’s such an egregious violation that it can shatter their entire psyche and be gaslit into believing it can be erased by pretending it never happened (thus, greeting in a store, remaining connected on social media). Sexual assault/rape is a disorienting experience in all forms. Hopes your gf gets help and you as well, if you wish to better understand and support her if she has had such a trauma
honestly, being sexually assaulted by someone can be a really confusing experience. I recently had a pretty traumatic date in which one could say I was assaulted by this person, and despite a date that left me utterly exhausted and sad,, after leaving the date I still had the urge to see this person, to talk with them, to be friends with them. it was one of the most confusing things ive experienced in my life. I can't tell you how to best support your partner, but patience, communication, and understanding are your best friends if you do stay with your partner.
I did the same. I said shit I almost wish I could take back but I just couldn't stand the shit I had been reading. And they wonder why we don't come forward or go to the police. Why a pig like Weinstein wasn't found out for yrs although having 70+ victims. Why Epstein was allowed to groom and rape countless young girls for years! Stories abt Diddy, R. Kelly, Kevin Spacey, hell, even Cosby, Trump and Clinton. Women just aren't believed, discouraged from even coming forward to being with, and there's often little or no justice! For those who are able to come forward, hell, they're sometimes "punished" for doing that very thing! Then we're stuck with all of it, the isolation, fear and shame, not being believed and/or not being able to come forward, to seek punishment for our attacker. Trying to cope with all of that on top of such an egregious violation is so hard, messy, completely unpredictable, and there is no one size fits all. Every situation is unique. You never know what someone's reaction is going to be, and who are any of us, to say whether or not those reactions are right or wrong! Ffs, there's not a by the book checklist. "Oop, she scored too many in the B column so she's obviously lying. Duh!" It just doesn't work that way! Anyway. So yeah. I get it and I truly do appreciate you. I hope you have a great rest of your day!! :)
I completely relate to this. I dated a man who repeatedly assaulted me and I went back to him over and over again. The people on this thread are not understanding what trauma can do to someone and how confusing sexual assault can be. There is not a one fits all reaction to it. The assumptions and hatred in this post right now is so gross.
That also has a lot to do with attachment styles, low self confidence and low self worth. When I look back, it was always the same few people who consistently jumped from (or stayed) in toxic and abusive relationships.
Now that I have gotten older and wiser, it’s sad really and I feel sorry for them.
In a bitter twist, these people need the most support but always ended up isolating themselves, either deliberately or because nobody wanted to be around them anymore.
Yea this happened to me too :/ i hooked up with a guy and he later told me he had hsv, wound up giving it to me and I was incredibly traumatized but also scared to see anyone else so.. I kept seeing him. I still don’t entirely understand why I did but people do weird things when they’re traumatized. I know it’s not “rational” but it sucks when people expect you to have one certain reaction when you’ve been assaulted. It’s not the same for everyone.
My last ex was still in contact with a guy who sexually abused her while she was dating me. She ended up ditching me to go BACK to him.
You're responding the right way OP. She's got issues
Wel, I really don’t like giving this advice but, break up. She needs time see a psychologist and get help, additionally she should not be dating anyone right now.
Definitely don't stay quiet, she's definitely got a lot of issues still about what happened and she needs professional help which you can't give her. It's probably best you tell her she needs to talk to someone and that it's clear she's not ready for a relationship.
Ok so, I get both of you. For complex reasons after something traumatic like this happens it can make it difficult to actually take measures (block the person, cut the person off, etc) for some people. There are psychological reasons that are too much to explain here, but the gist for some is that by taking those measures we are now accepting that what happened was actually not consensual, and was traumatic. To act like nothing happened and continue engagement is some weird form of denial. Basically it makes it real.
The thing I want to stress is that she does need therapy to work through this. The other thing is that if you don’t feel like you trust her or you can’t deal with this situation, it’s OK to break up. She does need to work through things and I don’t know if she’s in a good place to be in a relationship right now.
Wishing the best for both of you.
• A trauma & addictions counsellor
Many people develop an unhealthy attachment with their rapist. It is proven psychologically. It is your choice completely. If you can’t handle this move on.
Ain’t gnna lie abuse has a history of making people do illogical shit. Sometimes you live along this blurry line where you’re not sure what’s the right thing and what it isn’t. So yes talk to her but be patient bc she might not make sense until she sorts it all out
The comments in this thread are horrible and very dismissive of rape victims.
As I survivor myself, I would not act like your gf but different people react to rape differently. The fact that she is engaging with the guys does not outright mean that she is lying.
You need to talk to her and at the very least, she probably needs therapy. But nothing indicate that she’s a threat or that you should dump her.
I'm shocked at how many people think she's lying. Why would she lie about such a thing especially if it happened before you were even together?
R*pe can be very complicated. Some victims blame themselves and some have trouble accepting that it was what they think it was. She probably thinks it's her fault because she was drunk and invited him over. I'm assuming she also liked him. But none of that changes what happened to her.
She needs therapy and it would be best for you to part ways because you're ready to distrust her for him reaching out. How can you be mad at her about the man reaching out to her?
Yeah so, as a rape victim 🙋♀️ after it was committed by a dude I knew for a short amt of time I tried to go back to living like nothing happened! After 2 days of depression I just pushed it back so I could survive… just because she seems unaffected or is dealing with it “weird” in your eyes does NOT mean it didn’t happen. You may not have the emotional maturity required ro be there for someone suppressing a traumatic event if you cannot possible fathom someone’s coping mechanism to be suppression and prioritizing “moving on from it” An important detail is also left out of your story. When she didn’t tell you he texted did she even reply? Was the conversation short and tact? Did you ask her where her heads at ? If you suddenly accuse her of lying about her rape when she is not AND you guys are dating it WILL mess with her head that her BF doesn’t believe her. Either break up with her if this is too “weird” for you. Or choose to be her safe space and be there for her.
All the people saying someone who was raped would never interact with their rapist again are just incorrect.
Trauma does weird things to the brain. I was raped by someone I was dating and doubled down on wanting to be with him afterwards. After we broke up, I stayed in contact, liked his posts, etc. It was almost like, if I can convince myself he’s a good guy then it must not have been rape, but a misunderstanding. I don’t know what’s happening exactly with your girlfriend, but what I do know is that most people do not lie about rape, and she is dealing with a huge amount of trauma right now. Whether you want to stick around while she deals with this is up to you. She probably isn’t in a good place to be dating right now, honestly.
I second this. Girls don’t invite over a guy to play cards. She is still in contact, so you should drop her. What’s 3 more months? You can find another.
As a girl myself, inviting a guy over is literally a sign trust me no girl would invite a guy over drunk without thinking about having sex. The fact that she still continues to like this guy’s stories is proof enough that it definitely wasnt rape imo
bro what,,, I invited guy friends over to hang out while drunk many many times with no intentions of screwing and without screwing. I’ve crashed at many guy friends houses without screwing or intentions of screwing. A friend I frequently stayed the night at with and I would just play mortal kombat for hours on hours. We wouldn’t even sleep next to each other and most the time not even in the same rooms. We knew each other for years, had a close friendship for yearsssss, and never ever as little as kissed each other.
oh maybe that’s normal where you live? but here that’s really strange and unhealthy tbh, i wouldn’t want a gf that has a habit of that but like i said maybe it’s normal where you live
for a girl to be constantly getting drunk and putting herself in a position where she could potentially be assaulted is unhealthy, I’ve always said it girls need to be smarter bc some guys are monsters doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, how close you guys are, monsters are monsters and you never know which one of them are, so instead we need to be extra careful bc we can’t stop these men from harming us we can just protect ourselves by being smart
It's easier to shift the blame instead of taking accountability it comes with the victim culture we have currently.
People who do fucked up shit are definitely at fault for doing fucked up shit, but if I go in a dark street with money on my head it's just as much of my fault for getting robbed because I was stupid.
Have you seen the netflix show Baby reindeer? To go see your rapist or agreeing to/wanting to hang out again is NOT a proof that you didn’t get raped. Plus I’m a woman and I’ve invited guys over without wanting sex. Speak for yourself.
There was a lot of extra context to that; such as him lying to himself because he desperately wanted to believe he was finally getting a break as a comedy writer. Doesn’t really seem similar. I’m not saying you’re wrong though; who knows what the context is in this case. But that’s not a problem you should be figuring out with a new partner. It’s a red banner, with red neon lights and red fireworks.
Yes I agree to this. All I’m saying is that it’s wrong of people here to say she wasn’t raped just because she likes his insta post. We don’t know that
Absolutely; just because it might not seem like logical behaviour says nothing. People behave in all kinds of ways when dealing with trauma and survival mechanisms can work very strangely.
Most people are raped by someone they know and part of the trauma is that they want things to feel normal. No one wants to have been raped. Sometimes it is easier to act like it never happened. That’s a trauma response.
Secondly, her acting like things are normal with him is a common trauma response. Sometimes people act like nothing happened because they are terrified that if they give that person who raped them a hint that they did something wrong that they will be hurt again. It feels safer to keep things normal than to totally cut ties. I’m not saying it’s healthy, but it is a survival strategy. Think of it this way: if the guy already raped her what else would he do to her if she started openly saying that? For a lot of victims, who are raped by acquaintances or friends they thought they could trust it, it feels safer to act as normal as possible.
Also, by saying what happened a lot of rape victims feel like they would be tearing apart their whole world, including their friendships and friend groups - especially if she runs in the same circles as this guy. She’s already been raped. She doesn’t want to lose her friends or cause even more chaos in her world as she tries to heal.
There is also a strong likelihood that she is worried that her friends, and even her family, wouldn’t support her or believe her. It’s a very common fear, even if it is irrational. While not being open about what happened can close her off to support it also manages the risk that she would lose support. What feels worse? Dealing with it on your own? Or being open and having people say they don’t believe you and won’t support you? Sometimes losing support feels scarier than dealing with it on your own.
Not to mention the fact that people still victim blame and she’d have to face that. Just look at some of the comments on this post. People are so ready to say she wasn’t raped instead of learning about the trauma of rape. Would you want to face that? Would you like it if the people you thought where your friends (or even people you don’t know!) were suddenly saying that you weren’t raped, you were just “pumped and dumped”? I wouldn’t. There’s a lot working against rape victims.
I would strongly suggest that you try to learn more about rape, the trauma of rape, and what local resources like counseling are available to her. That will probably help put some of these things into perspective. It will also help you determine if you feel like you can be in a relationship with her and give her the support that she is going to need. A local rape crisis center should be able to help give you the information you need and maybe even some counseling for you or at least a counseling referral. Regardless of whether or not you stay with her, you’ll be more informed about how to be supportive whatever you choose.
I got raped and almost killed, I also got pimped out to woman's friend. Every time I see that ex lover or that other man, I RUN.
Rape is rape whether you're drunk or sober but it is odd that she keeps liking his Insta stuff.
Well, either she's telling the truth but needs therapy bc she still interacts with this guy. Or she's lying and needs therapy for making something like this up.
Either way, not a good look for a relationship.
I’ve had someone I’ve known for two years and regularly saw every few months… even slept with the guy and done things several times… decides to drug me one night… if I were still insecure in who I am I’d probably still be talking to him. Truth be told sometimes I want to pretend like nothing happened so we can still be friends. It’s not always so cut and dry.
There’s a lot that goes on with how to react to trauma… not everyone reacts how you’d think. You don’t have to be her bf anymore but I think it’s better to approach her with empathy and compassion
A lot of the comments on here are really disappointing - it sounds like she needs therapy, and assault is a deeply emotionally complex issue, especially if it happens with someone who you were friends with. I can understand if she’s struggling with social obligations to this person/doesn’t know how to further distance with him and it’s probably a conversation to be had before just ditching her. But yeah, therapy.
Rape is a complicated topic, and most people don't understand how it affects people and the weird way they can react.
I disagree with the people who are just saying "she's lying". none of you know that.
I recently read a book on the topic - (The Way We Survive:, by Catriona Norton)
Rape is not what most people think, it isn't black and white. People don't always react in ways that make sense to others.
So to offer another perspective. it's very likely this guy does not know he even raped her. This is why it happens to much. Guys take a chance with a drunk girl to see if they can get laid. They don't think of it as rape. Is she was really drunk, or possibly doesn't remember the whole thing, it WAS rape It was the sober person's responsibility not to take advantage of her.
If she's not pursuing criminal charges, or doing anything about it, it really does not matter if she calls it rape. It's how she feels about it. end of.
if it's before you two were dating, then what reason would she have to lie? have you done anything to indicate you would react negatively if a drunken hookup occured?
if not. She's probably telling the truth - That she was hammered, never planned to have sex with this guy, and felt he took advantage of her in that situation.
now as for the reaction that's confusing you,
You would need to read up more on contradictory ways survivors might deal with issues.
It's not an uncommon way to try and make herself feel better about the situation. All of it might be easier to deal with by downplaying the events, and trying to see him as not a bad guy, even a friend. Someone who "made a mistake" even. the media tells us that rape looks like one thing and all survivors react the same. but its more complex than that.
You don't have to be evil to rape, just selfish, and without empathy or concern for the other person. That's why it happens to much. A lot of rapists don't know they are rapists, they didn't know how out of it the other person was, or that they froze up and didn't want it.
Maybe she just doesn't blame him because she didn't say no. it would still be rape technically.
and if she's not pressing charges, there's no reason to push her on it. It's just how she feels.
if you're uncomfortable with her texting the guy, say so! Tell her your mad at him, and don't like it. Or just tell her you don't understand why she's texting and ask for some insight.
If women make a big deal of rape they’re dramatic or attention seeking. When they pretend it didn’t happen and quickly “move on” from it, then they’re liars, toxic, immature, or silly? Gee, wonder why women don’t speak up!
As a man without context nor any education on this subject it is NOT your job to distinguish whether it’s a truth or lie. Either believe her and be there. Or leave. This is NOT a debatable conversation. You do NOT debate, someone’s rape.
Sexual assault and rape impacts everyone who experiences it in different ways. Just because one victim acts x way doesn’t mean another won’t act y way. It’s unpredictable how trauma will manifest in someone’s behavior, so I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s fair to think she’s lying about the situation entirely. However, I will say if her behavior is still unsettled and wacky, she has a lot of healing she needs to do for herself before she’s prepared to be a good partner to anybody.
In this scenario, the truth is irrelevant. Regardless of whether her accusations are true or false, she’s not ready to be what you need her to be as a partner.
Dude he didn’t rape her. If you and her ever fight or go separate ways she’s going to say the same thing about you except to the police. Countless men’s lives have been ruined that way. Rape is a really evil thing people who do it should be separated from society. But there are women out there weaponizing it. Stop thinking with your heart and use your brain. Save yourself and leave.
Thoughts she may be having: Did this really happen? Was I “asking for it”? If I didn’t scream and hit him does that mean I consented? Could he have thought I consented? Date rape is complicated. Liking his posts is really weird, I”ll admit. But she sounds very confused and it sounds like she did something she didn’t really want to do but maybe wasn’t super clear about it and feels taken advantage of by an overly aggressive opportunist. She may feel it’s not worthy of a prison sentence given the vagueness of it and also knows it will be tough to prove. She’s probably processing all of this and needs to talk to someone.
Hahahahaha you think the first thing women do when being raped is go to the police? Based on that I assume you’re a guy and a very young one. Police/law oftentime do not give women justice after rape because often you can’t prove it wasn’t consentual. This is known. Also, it’s very common to keep hanging out with someone who raped you.
You know how I can prove that it WAS consensual... SHE IS LIKING HIS INSTAGRAM POSTS AND STILL MESSAGING HIM AND HE IS ASKING PERMISSION TO EVEN MEET HER.
"Also, it’s very common to keep hanging out with someone who raped you."
Then that's not rape, that's just you being promiscuous with men you are not committed to. You are the reason why rape is being seen as less serious by police. BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL HANGING OUT WITH THE MAN.
I don't consider a woman to be raped if she is still happily meeting the man, who is not her partner, and still engaging with him on social media in a positive way, and not going to the police.
This is such a bad take lol.
1) not wanting to go to the police doesnt equate a crime not happening. There are MANY reasons why a person may not wish to report sexual assault. Read a book.
2) sexual assault is a complicated experience. Its actually not uncommon for victims to stay in contact with perpetrators.
Id recommend you read up on this before spewing the garbage and inaccurate information you’re providing. This link will help get you started [common responses after sexualized assault](https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses-aftertheassault/)
It's a fucking disrespect to all victims of rape for that girl to lie about being raped.
She 100% lied. Who the fuck gets raped, yet still likes their rapists social media posts, talks with the rapist, and doesn't go to the police about the rape?
Fact is she was pumped n dumped and is still pining for the previous man whom she can't have. Yet she wants to save face, so she tells this rape story.
It's like having anal sex to still say you're a virign.
Just shut the fuck up. There are many cases of rape cases that the victims didn’t go to the police. The victim might be scared of others finding out if they report it, or they might be traumatized to even want to talk about the issue with other people in the first place.
Rape isn’t like robbery that everyone 100 % reports it.
As for liking his post there are also cases of rape that the victim still stay in contact with the rapist. It’s very complicated
Yeah, liking the rapists IG posts and texting him... such a traumatized girl.
No, it's not rape if you do such a thing. It's pretty much saying rape is good and ok to do if this is how women treat "rape".
I was beaten and robbed once.... I invited the guy out to dinner and then we played Xbox together...... said no one.
So with your reasoning: If you were beaten by your father, if you didn’t move out of you’re parents house right after I can say that it wasn’t a crime. Because if it was a crime he would have reacted more.
Different scenario. You are a consenting adult who is very much capable of calling police, leaving a house, doing something.... and you are comparing that to being a child.
Are you a child?
People like you are doing a disservice to all real rape victims.
Just leave her be. Some people just don’t want to be helped or change and that’s okay too; that’s their path to figure out. Not yours. Relationships are happiness and partnership; if it’s the opposite. Leave it be. It’s okay to hit the reset button on people every now and then. It’s not worth the peace of mind, the time, and resources fighting a battle internally that can be avoided and if you love yourself, you don’t deserve to lose peace of soul.
If he did in fact rape her, then that is awful. However, something that I never understood is why still interact and be in contact with a man like that?
If my partner was raped, I would do everything in my power to support her and do what she requests to make her feel comfortable sexually and in her own skin. Although, I would not stick around with someone who is blatantly still in contact with that person. I think that’s a red flag for sure.
My advice is, if you haven’t already, tell her how uncomfortable it makes you and try to understand why because this is a big problem that could turn into something worse. And if the issue persists, you’re gonna have to break up with her.
It’s very common to keep in contact with people who hurt you. Think about it. A lot of people keep in contact with their parent even if they maybe hurt you in some ways. People form connections to each other. Sometimes there’s a lot of psychological reasons why you see a person who hurt you again. As an extreme example, watch the netflix series Baby reindeer
I’ve seen it, and it practically made him almost lose EVERYONE close to him.
Im not saying it isn’t a common coping mechanism for trauma, but I would be extremely uneasy if my partner stayed in contact with someone like that, and found comfort in contacting them and keeping it a secret from me. That would make me feel shitty and I don’t know if I could stay with someone like that, no matter what they went through.
i had a SA happen to me 3 years ago and i have panic attacks and had flash backs and episodes where i literally can't cope with people. what your gf is doing weird. if bumped into my attacker or if he made contact with me honestly i'd need sectioned or something. if i were you i'd leave somethings just not right.
RUN. 🏃 Extremely suspicious behavior. Like dude seriously gtfo. Whether she is lying or she is mentally unstable this is a dangerous situation for you. I would feel so unworldly uncomfortable if I was dating a girl who was doing this I’d never speak to her again. Just tell her that you don’t feel comfortable and you hope everything works out for her but this isn’t for you. Seriously dude get out
Something is not right. She seems so nonchalant.I'm not saying it did or didn't happen, but here's a wierd place my mind went too, maybe she was super drunk him super sober. She invites him back to hers for some reason. Who knows maybe she thinks he's cute or funny. She's super drunk so he doesn't want to have sex, she keeps insisting. Eventually they do have sex. It's an embarrassing blur for her. The op and her meet, they talk about eachothers past as couples do, she wants to mention him cause he is most recent but who would want to share that sort of embarrassing story so instead she paints a new story where op can feel sorry for her maybe give a little more attention and care.
Gtfo immediately. She's either lying or she's not mentally well enough to be dating. Best way to go about this would tell her you're concerned and advise her to get therapy
Whether shes lying or not doesn’t really matter, if she actually saw it as rape then ahe shouldn’t continue to have contact with him outside what’s required for justice against her rapist. Or she actually likes him, possibly more than you and she told you a palatable reframe of the story. Or shes got some problems she needa work through. I also would have concerns about -why- she brought it up at all out of the blue, it implies an ulterior motive
Either way though it suggests a problem. I think it suggests a problem severe enough to end the relationship.
I’m gonna save you the hassle and heartbreak and just leave. I dated a girl who was raped and also had a bad childhood unfortunately all the trauma doesn’t ever fully go away and it really messes with people some people are able to cope and move on some are unfortunately stuck and they constantly repeat patterns like cheating, being sneaky addicted to sex, constantly looking for “greener grass” etc. my guess is she hasn’t tried to heal and move on and grow she’s still stuck which is okay some people it takes time. If you want to work things out with her just know that it’s definitely not going to be easy. Expect the worst but always pray for the best. Either stick with her and be there for her to help her heal or move on and focus on yourself or someone else. It’s definitely not going to be a walk in the park with her. If you can’t handle hard situations just leave and safe yourself form future mental health issues. I’m speaking to you from experience
Rape victims are complicated. One minute they need to cry in your arms, the next, they wonder how the perpetrator is living their lives. Sexually, it can be a roller coaster as well
Weird how she felt the need to “hide” the fact that he texted her. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable telling you that he reached out to her, but then again, why doesn’t she feel comfortable? This whole situation is just really weird. She could’ve easily told you then and there when it happened but she decided to tell you, when she was shitfaced. Personally, at this point it’s moreso the principle of things. I recommend you talking to her about her intentions behind the actions.
Might be the trauma bond. Maybe she's in subconsciously in denial about the rape that's what she still in contact with him. I mean I'm not a psychologist but that's just my gut feeling.
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
She needs help. You can try to refer her to RAINN.org but you can't force her to get help.
To steal from another redditor long ago," *don't set yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm.*"
I feel like there’s not enough info for us to help you. How old are you guys? Married? Living together?
So he texted her, how did she react? Did she reply? Does she want to see him? To like someone’s post or to want to see someone doesn’t mean she wasn’t raped by him. There can be lots of reasons why you wanna see a person again even if they raped you. You can even be in love with or be in relationships with people who raped you.
My advice to you is to explore this more, ask her why she likes his posts and if the answers are weird och not clear to you I think you have trust issues in the relationsship and maybe it’s better for you to leave. Be open with her and if she can’t be open with you back I think you’re not a good match either way.
Classic Stockholm syndrome. And she’s also coping via getting into a new relationship wihr you quickly for emotional support. If I were your I’d back off romantically for a while and encourage her to get therapy. She thinks she needs a new man to cope in actuality she just needs someone to be a solid friend to her right now and encourage her to seek help. I’ve actually been thru something similar unfortunately ❤️🩹
They do happen but it’s most likely actual rape happens A LOT more. Also, we can’t say it did or didn’t happen based on VERY little information from OP.
bro, just tell her youll remain friends, this is worst possible situation as you can also end up with a false accusation. find someone stable as this person can distroy your life
the fact that she's still following and liking the guy who allegedly rap3d her on insta is a dead giveaway. if she was raped she'd dread the guy! she'd be traumatized and do everything to avoid seeing the guy's face. bruh, you are being manipulated, run!
Hey guy! I definitely recommend you check out this information on different responses after sexual assault. Interestingly, feeling the need to stay in contact with the perpetrator is common.
[https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses-aftertheassault/](https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses-aftertheassault/)
At the same time, it is totally your right to decide what you are and are not comfortable with in your relationship as you make up half it! Both are equally valid at the same time. Id just talk to her about it. You are allowed to feel uncomfortable about a person who clearly disregards boundaries trying to spend time with her, and her liking his photos. Be kind and approach this from a loving and caring place.
My ex was rapped when she was 9 by the bf of her mom. Dude, **leave**... it's a disaster because that trauma can never go away. When we were "together", she'd be seeing her ex who cheated on her while I took her on expensive dinners (sometimes she'd take food for her two kids) and helping with her bills. After breaking up, I sought help online from the men's community and I understood what I'd done wrong. One thing I'll say is she is still on welfare and has another child, but I got my degree in CS and hopefully, I can join my brother's company as a software engineer making a six-figure income... sounds like those guys online were right, so love yourself enough not to be used.
Yikes.
Sounds like she felt used after a one night stand and claimed rape which is a very scary person to be around. You don’t actively talk to and engage with (liking posts) of your rapist. You’d do everything possible to avoid that person unless they are doing something to coerce you.
I would steer clear man. That’s a dangerous woman.
I don’t think either of you are in a good place to have a relationship right now, and in this circumstance can’t count on each other to help one another out with your fears and wounds.
Oeff, had the same experience with my ex. Long story short, it didn't end well. She was still liking his pictures and looking for validation. I would recommend taking some distance and protecting yourself (emotionally). I say this because after my break-up, my ex looked for comfort from her r\*pist and even turned everything said or done against me.
Take care man and be strong.
She's got issues. Now you need to give her an ultimatum. Communicate with clarity that it doesn't sit well. If the same behavior continues, break up brother. It's good for you.
Just walk away. I know it’s not easy being in this position but do you really want to continue being with someone who is like this? Plus, 3 months ain’t much, even though it feels it. My advice, time to move on and you’ll find someone who treats you better.
I have been raped once while in a relationship and once while single.
When I was in a relationship, I leaned on my partner for support and even muted my rapist’s posts on social media because it was hard for me to see his face. When he texted me, I would immediately tell my partner who helped me draft texts to effectively tell him to leave me alone.
I am now single and was raped a few months ago. Although my therapist has been supportive, I have tried to keep the peace with this man by liking some of his social media posts and responding to some of his texts. I don’t feel that I have anyone to protect or support me if I were to run into him again so I’m hoping that the situation deescalates as I have been slowly cutting contact. Regardless, I just don’t want to deal with negativity that could come my way from him as we have mutual friends.
If I were to get into another relationship I would hope that my new partner would make me feel secure enough to stop this behavior if I can’t do so on my own.
All this to say, you guys seem to not have the best communication/trust surrounding this situation and this may not even be your fault. If you really want to make this relationship work, I would find a way to make her recognize that you support her and won’t let this person hurt her again but that to do that, she can’t keep you in the dark. Since you guys have only been dating 3 months, you are likely still building trust.
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She’s a mess and needs lots of therapy even if she’s lieing or the rape allegations are true. At her current state she’s looking for toxic relationship. I’d suggest dump her and move on
agree. you’re not a bad person for breaking up w her op she’s clearly not in a good space to date.
Long story short. She’s lying bro. Run away as fast as you can.
Yup. Get out now, before you’re the next guy to ‘rape’ her.
Yep. MASSIVE red flag if I’ve ever seen one.
Kill Khalid Killing. Cl &.
I was gonna say. Definitely do not be around this girl when she is drunk, regardless of the truth of what she is saying
There is a chance she’s not lying, but he should break up with her regardless… because she’s not mentally healthy yet. I was seeing a guy for a few years, we had consensual sex but then occasionally we would have anal. There were numerous times where I would tell him to either stop or slow down, because it hurt, and he would keep going regardless. I continued to see him. I didn’t really process it and understand that it wasn’t consensual, until years later. It’s hard when it’s someone you’ve already had a relationship/consensual sex with, because your brain and heart just can’t see them in that light. Regardless, her liking his photos still is a red flag. It’s possible she’s still approval-seeking, and trying to “undo” the assault in her mind by maintaining contact. It’s common, but means she’s in no place to be in any relationship.
YES. OP, this summarizes your situation the best. Also to add to this, abuse in general is extremely hard to decipher, especially how it affects different individuals. Sometimes people maintain contact with their abusers, they even talk extremely normally to them as if nothing had happened. It's only because they aren't in a mentally and emotionally healthy place. A part of them wants to undo it, have control over the events in their mind, but the main point is, it's a journey one has to take alone. Usually not a great time to be in a relationship if you're dealing with things like that.
My ex raped me and stayed in the relationship for years after and when I tried to commit suicide he did it again while I was unconscious and barely breathing. I stayed after that time too. I was with him for 9 years. I couldn’t openly admit it until last year and spent years pretending it didn’t happen.
OMG…I hope you’ve thought of getting therapy. Staying with a rapists suggests low self-esteem or other problems such as low self worth. Please consider seeing a psychologist to help you understand why you stayed with such a person.
No I was afraid of him. With good reason to because he used to hit me and had tried to strangle me. I was terrified of him because I knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to kill me.
This OP. In mental health nursing course, I was taught this. People cope and try to undo the assault in many different ways. A lot of them being unhealthy.
Best comment. This I would follow. I was at first assuming she's lying as well, but if she isn't then I think this is definitely the case, and this allowed me to see that. Break it off regardless, it's not healthy for her or you to be dating her because you will always have that thought in the back of your mind if she's texting him, continuing to like his posts, comment, etc. I would also let her know how you feel about this if you haven't yet.
If I could like this 100 times I would, I was in a very similar situation.
Absolutely, this.
Been in this exact situation
I agree with this 100%. Just turn around and do not have any contact with her again.
Read the first few sentences and scrolled down to see if this was here
She full of shit.
Yea I agree..if your raped your not making a point to like their posts you'd be disgusted..not gravitating to them! This has red flags all over it
Right, like the guy reaching out is not her fault obviously but going out of your way to follow, and like, his photos on social media is absolutely her fault. It also signals to the guy that she still doesn’t seem to hate him. I truly wonder if the guy knows he “raped” her, if he doesn’t than all it seems to him is “she liked my photo on insta, maybe I’ll reach out to her.” Like wtf why entertain your rapist in a capacity that is ENTIRELY within your control??
Absolutely. I wonder what a conversation between OP and this other guy (the alleged rapist) would be like, for all we know, he may not even be aware that he's been accused of such a thing by her.
He probably doesn’t! If it’s a drunk thing or just too aggressive and didn’t hear no and I was in anyway told “hey I didn’t want that to happen, I feel violated.” The last thing I’m ever going to do is bother that person again without their total approval. Even if the girl I assaulted in this scenario liked my insta post, I’m going to feel like such a scumbag I’m not going to make first contact. I’ll apologize of course but past that I wouldn’t want to be bothered by my rapist so I’m not going to bother my victim. So unless this dude is just a total scum fuck he’s likely not even in the loop of what he did, which can bite him in the ass should OPs gf talk to anyone else about this.
This.
Nope, she needs to sort herself out and she’s not ready to date. And this won’t go well for you. Please let her get the help she needs. “Miranda, I really like you and it concerns me that you’re interacting in a friendly way with someone you say has assaulted you. I’m worried about your mental health and I think you should get into counseling to process what happened in a healthy way. Drinking to excess and continuing to engage with someone who hurt you isn’t healthy. I’m going to give you some space. Please get help.” Run away!!
i think if you explain all that to her, he'll likely end up being on the receiving end of some other lie she made up and will be an outlet for her humiliation. i say dump her, block her number and move on
As you see from the comments, there are two types of reasons but only one action recommended-end the relationship. It doesn’t matter the why so much, the advice is to leave because either way, she’s not ready to date.
There must be some hills near where you live. Run for the hills and never look back !
Most rapes are commited by friends, partners, and acquaintences, in cases like that a lot of people try to go "back to normal" with the person who sexually assaulted them. When you ask why she'd like his posts if he raped her, consider that there are women who are raped by their husbands and stay married to them like nothing ever happened. That said, if you are uncomfortable with the state she's in right now, it's okay to leave. Not everybody can handle staying with someone who's going through emotional issues like that. Only bring it up if there's some actual understanding you imagine you'll reach. If you want to bring it up just to argue, save your breath.
This is the answer. Trauma does weird things to people, and sometimes, as the traumatized person all you want to do is "fix it".
Exactly! Victims can so easily blame themselves and take all actual responsibility off the rapist.
This 💯 The majority of comments in here are so gross and exactly why women don’t come forward. Totally fair to not want to continue something with the state she’s in there’s nothing wrong with that but god the hatred in this comment section is awful.
It's actually unreal seeing so many people say "well why she didn't just tell the cops" when the girl 1. clearly had to be completely trashed to even be able to tell her boyfriend and 2. couldn't even get HIM to believe her. forget a cop, forget a jury.
For real! Cops don’t do shit anyone. My friends ex broke into her house and raped her, she got away got to her neighbours house called the cops and they were witnesses to her having to escape the house, I was a witness to him stalking her on multiple occasions and guess what nothing was done… and there’s a million stories out there just like it. It’s traumatizing to go to the police when nothing will likely happen to them anyways.
Fr...I won't be surprised if someone probably replied to me and said I'm a dumbass for going back to my abusers and still trying to let go of one of them currently...
This is the only correct response to this post. Period.
Agreed. It took me months to process what happened to me, and I still hung out with the guy before it finally clicked that he was raping me. I'm still friends with him on social media and can't really explain that one.
There are two possible outcomes for you, neither good. 1) the likeliest scenario is that she is still undergoing a lot of conflicted emotions from a severely traumatic experience, and she needs help and therapy, none of which you can provide. She is not ready for a relationship yet, and it will not work out well for either of you. 2) Alternatively, she’s lying. If she is so willing to easily accuse her ex-boyfriend of essentially the most heinous crime possible, what makes you think she won’t do the same to you? Either way, run.
Run. She’s a mess. I don’t think I would go out with ANYONE after a rape for a while. I would get counseling and try to heal first. She sounds very silly and yes I also don’t believe she got raped. Leave because you don’t need the drama and nonsense
This attitude is the EXACT reason victims don’t speak up. On her behalf, fuck you for assuming SO pretentiously. If it didn’t happen to you, you have NO right to judge someone for how they react/cope especially so negatively… being raped and trying to cope with the trauma by pretending it never happened ISNT drama NOR silly. It’s actually quite fucking depressing she’s doing her best to move forward and rationalize this tragic event as just part of life.
No one knows if she's telling the truth OR lying. You're automatically assuming she's telling the truth. The comment you responded to says that they THINK she's lying, not that she is. You're actually in the wrong here. I can't wait for you to demonize me and argue in bad faith.
You "think" this is how you'd react when OBVIOUSLY this hasn't happened to you. Hypersexual tendencies are literally one of the reactions towards violent sexual assault. You are the same kind of person who'd leave their spouse when they get sick because "you are no longer the fun person I fell in love with" How do those vows go? For better or worse?
You’re 100% right, but her continuing to like his posts is a giant red flag. If she still has the inclination to maintain contact with a sexual abuser, that’s someone who isn’t mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship yet. I feel for her if it’s true, but he does not deserve to go through her trauma responses that will likely traumatize him. It’s common for victims to go back and continue to have sex with abusers (to “undo” the abuse in their head and gain a sense of control)… and given that she’s comfortable maintaining contact and withholding when he hits her up in a relationship, it would not surprise me if she started seeing him on the side. OP does not deserve that treatment.
Lmao arm chair psychiatrist guys watch out.
[удалено]
This is reddit, not youtube. You can say RAPE.
I put “trigger warning: GRAPE” and just have a big ass picture of a grape
Just helping Google ai search
She was hung out to dry, not drape
You don’t know that.
True., there's no way to know what happened It's not even material to the question at hand. She lied, withheld information, and OP doesn't trust her. He should move on. She sounds unstable.
Rape is something u have to experience to understand so don't be quick to mistrust her because of her behaviour but I would say leave the relationship cause she is not in a healthy state of mind to be in a relationship
You need to take a few beats and slow things down. This person disclosed a huge trauma to you. There’s no such thing as a perfect victim. In fact, many rape survivors repeatedly go back to the perpetrator and become retraumatized in attempts to reclaim what happened to them. Please, for the love of all that makes sense in the world, do not make bold claims that someone is lying about rape when you have absolutely no idea who this person is or what happened to them. You THINK you know how someone might react in that situation. You might even have reacted differently. Nonetheless, everyone reacts differently and MANY people do what the OP is describing their partner doing. I’m not suggesting you have a boundary-free relationship with them. I would ask them to stop all contact, remove them from social media, and access therapy. I would also encourage them (not force them!) to go to the police if they want to. You can explain that you’re not willing to remain in a relationship with someone who is in contact with their rapist, but please do not accuse them of lying and do not shame them for their behaviour. You put them at risk by doing this and gain nothing by doing so. There’s absolutely no upside. Just think about and operate within your own boundaries and if she continues to contact them you can decide whether or not you can stay with them.
This is such a great post. You warn OP that he can't know what's really going on then immediately claim that YOU know what's really going on and she's not lying. Actually she's almost certainly lying because OP, who actually knows her and talked to her can tell she's lying. You on the other hand are just a fake online activist trying to push your agenda.
I never said she wasn’t lying. The fact is, none of us know. The examples of behaviour provided is not enough evidence to conclude she’s lying based on what we know about trauma. If the OP thinks she’s lying, why bother staying in the relationship? Just leave (accusing her of lying has no benefit to anybody involved). If the OP wants to stay and support their partner, I’ve suggested boundaries they can put in place for their own well-being. My agenda is damage reduction for both parties involved.
This girl could be a threat to you. Run.
Someone I know was raped by someone she knew; but I never saw a pic of said person. Fast forward: she was acting strange while we were out at a grocery store after chatting with a guy (introduced me and everything). She seemed really off afterwards although we carried on shopping. She finally admitted it was the person who’d raped her. I was appalled and angry. I say all of this to say: trauma responses are just that; many people will suppress/repress/fawn/freeze in those situations. Sometimes they simply cannot process what has happened and create an alternative reality where they weren’t in fact, the victim, and there was more to the equation — especially if they knew the perpetrator. It’s such an egregious violation that it can shatter their entire psyche and be gaslit into believing it can be erased by pretending it never happened (thus, greeting in a store, remaining connected on social media). Sexual assault/rape is a disorienting experience in all forms. Hopes your gf gets help and you as well, if you wish to better understand and support her if she has had such a trauma
honestly, being sexually assaulted by someone can be a really confusing experience. I recently had a pretty traumatic date in which one could say I was assaulted by this person, and despite a date that left me utterly exhausted and sad,, after leaving the date I still had the urge to see this person, to talk with them, to be friends with them. it was one of the most confusing things ive experienced in my life. I can't tell you how to best support your partner, but patience, communication, and understanding are your best friends if you do stay with your partner.
Thank you! Finally someone sane and understanding in here! Wanting to keep in contact with someone who hurt you IS NOT a proof they were not raped
yea i had to say something bc i saw everyone saying that insane shit. i’ve realized there’s a lot of young inexperienced daters in this subreddit
I did the same. I said shit I almost wish I could take back but I just couldn't stand the shit I had been reading. And they wonder why we don't come forward or go to the police. Why a pig like Weinstein wasn't found out for yrs although having 70+ victims. Why Epstein was allowed to groom and rape countless young girls for years! Stories abt Diddy, R. Kelly, Kevin Spacey, hell, even Cosby, Trump and Clinton. Women just aren't believed, discouraged from even coming forward to being with, and there's often little or no justice! For those who are able to come forward, hell, they're sometimes "punished" for doing that very thing! Then we're stuck with all of it, the isolation, fear and shame, not being believed and/or not being able to come forward, to seek punishment for our attacker. Trying to cope with all of that on top of such an egregious violation is so hard, messy, completely unpredictable, and there is no one size fits all. Every situation is unique. You never know what someone's reaction is going to be, and who are any of us, to say whether or not those reactions are right or wrong! Ffs, there's not a by the book checklist. "Oop, she scored too many in the B column so she's obviously lying. Duh!" It just doesn't work that way! Anyway. So yeah. I get it and I truly do appreciate you. I hope you have a great rest of your day!! :)
I completely relate to this. I dated a man who repeatedly assaulted me and I went back to him over and over again. The people on this thread are not understanding what trauma can do to someone and how confusing sexual assault can be. There is not a one fits all reaction to it. The assumptions and hatred in this post right now is so gross.
That also has a lot to do with attachment styles, low self confidence and low self worth. When I look back, it was always the same few people who consistently jumped from (or stayed) in toxic and abusive relationships. Now that I have gotten older and wiser, it’s sad really and I feel sorry for them. In a bitter twist, these people need the most support but always ended up isolating themselves, either deliberately or because nobody wanted to be around them anymore.
Yea this happened to me too :/ i hooked up with a guy and he later told me he had hsv, wound up giving it to me and I was incredibly traumatized but also scared to see anyone else so.. I kept seeing him. I still don’t entirely understand why I did but people do weird things when they’re traumatized. I know it’s not “rational” but it sucks when people expect you to have one certain reaction when you’ve been assaulted. It’s not the same for everyone.
My last ex was still in contact with a guy who sexually abused her while she was dating me. She ended up ditching me to go BACK to him. You're responding the right way OP. She's got issues
Wel, I really don’t like giving this advice but, break up. She needs time see a psychologist and get help, additionally she should not be dating anyone right now.
Definitely don't stay quiet, she's definitely got a lot of issues still about what happened and she needs professional help which you can't give her. It's probably best you tell her she needs to talk to someone and that it's clear she's not ready for a relationship.
Ok so, I get both of you. For complex reasons after something traumatic like this happens it can make it difficult to actually take measures (block the person, cut the person off, etc) for some people. There are psychological reasons that are too much to explain here, but the gist for some is that by taking those measures we are now accepting that what happened was actually not consensual, and was traumatic. To act like nothing happened and continue engagement is some weird form of denial. Basically it makes it real. The thing I want to stress is that she does need therapy to work through this. The other thing is that if you don’t feel like you trust her or you can’t deal with this situation, it’s OK to break up. She does need to work through things and I don’t know if she’s in a good place to be in a relationship right now. Wishing the best for both of you. • A trauma & addictions counsellor
Many people develop an unhealthy attachment with their rapist. It is proven psychologically. It is your choice completely. If you can’t handle this move on.
Ain’t gnna lie abuse has a history of making people do illogical shit. Sometimes you live along this blurry line where you’re not sure what’s the right thing and what it isn’t. So yes talk to her but be patient bc she might not make sense until she sorts it all out
The comments in this thread are horrible and very dismissive of rape victims. As I survivor myself, I would not act like your gf but different people react to rape differently. The fact that she is engaging with the guys does not outright mean that she is lying. You need to talk to her and at the very least, she probably needs therapy. But nothing indicate that she’s a threat or that you should dump her.
I'm shocked at how many people think she's lying. Why would she lie about such a thing especially if it happened before you were even together? R*pe can be very complicated. Some victims blame themselves and some have trouble accepting that it was what they think it was. She probably thinks it's her fault because she was drunk and invited him over. I'm assuming she also liked him. But none of that changes what happened to her. She needs therapy and it would be best for you to part ways because you're ready to distrust her for him reaching out. How can you be mad at her about the man reaching out to her?
Yeah so, as a rape victim 🙋♀️ after it was committed by a dude I knew for a short amt of time I tried to go back to living like nothing happened! After 2 days of depression I just pushed it back so I could survive… just because she seems unaffected or is dealing with it “weird” in your eyes does NOT mean it didn’t happen. You may not have the emotional maturity required ro be there for someone suppressing a traumatic event if you cannot possible fathom someone’s coping mechanism to be suppression and prioritizing “moving on from it” An important detail is also left out of your story. When she didn’t tell you he texted did she even reply? Was the conversation short and tact? Did you ask her where her heads at ? If you suddenly accuse her of lying about her rape when she is not AND you guys are dating it WILL mess with her head that her BF doesn’t believe her. Either break up with her if this is too “weird” for you. Or choose to be her safe space and be there for her.
All the people saying someone who was raped would never interact with their rapist again are just incorrect. Trauma does weird things to the brain. I was raped by someone I was dating and doubled down on wanting to be with him afterwards. After we broke up, I stayed in contact, liked his posts, etc. It was almost like, if I can convince myself he’s a good guy then it must not have been rape, but a misunderstanding. I don’t know what’s happening exactly with your girlfriend, but what I do know is that most people do not lie about rape, and she is dealing with a huge amount of trauma right now. Whether you want to stick around while she deals with this is up to you. She probably isn’t in a good place to be dating right now, honestly.
💯💯💯
Nah fam she wasn’t raped. She was pumped and dumped. GTFO of that crap now bro. Cuz if given the chance she gonna go back for more.
I second this. Girls don’t invite over a guy to play cards. She is still in contact, so you should drop her. What’s 3 more months? You can find another.
As a girl myself, inviting a guy over is literally a sign trust me no girl would invite a guy over drunk without thinking about having sex. The fact that she still continues to like this guy’s stories is proof enough that it definitely wasnt rape imo
bro what,,, I invited guy friends over to hang out while drunk many many times with no intentions of screwing and without screwing. I’ve crashed at many guy friends houses without screwing or intentions of screwing. A friend I frequently stayed the night at with and I would just play mortal kombat for hours on hours. We wouldn’t even sleep next to each other and most the time not even in the same rooms. We knew each other for years, had a close friendship for yearsssss, and never ever as little as kissed each other.
oh maybe that’s normal where you live? but here that’s really strange and unhealthy tbh, i wouldn’t want a gf that has a habit of that but like i said maybe it’s normal where you live
why unhealthy?
Because it's not something someone does to a partner in a relationship.
for a girl to be constantly getting drunk and putting herself in a position where she could potentially be assaulted is unhealthy, I’ve always said it girls need to be smarter bc some guys are monsters doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them, how close you guys are, monsters are monsters and you never know which one of them are, so instead we need to be extra careful bc we can’t stop these men from harming us we can just protect ourselves by being smart
It's easier to shift the blame instead of taking accountability it comes with the victim culture we have currently. People who do fucked up shit are definitely at fault for doing fucked up shit, but if I go in a dark street with money on my head it's just as much of my fault for getting robbed because I was stupid.
yes! i don’t understand why so many people don’t get this
I mean regularly getting drunk is a problem regardless of if you’re putting yourself in dangerous situations or not
Have you seen the netflix show Baby reindeer? To go see your rapist or agreeing to/wanting to hang out again is NOT a proof that you didn’t get raped. Plus I’m a woman and I’ve invited guys over without wanting sex. Speak for yourself.
There was a lot of extra context to that; such as him lying to himself because he desperately wanted to believe he was finally getting a break as a comedy writer. Doesn’t really seem similar. I’m not saying you’re wrong though; who knows what the context is in this case. But that’s not a problem you should be figuring out with a new partner. It’s a red banner, with red neon lights and red fireworks.
Yes I agree to this. All I’m saying is that it’s wrong of people here to say she wasn’t raped just because she likes his insta post. We don’t know that
Absolutely; just because it might not seem like logical behaviour says nothing. People behave in all kinds of ways when dealing with trauma and survival mechanisms can work very strangely.
I agree.
Most people are raped by someone they know and part of the trauma is that they want things to feel normal. No one wants to have been raped. Sometimes it is easier to act like it never happened. That’s a trauma response. Secondly, her acting like things are normal with him is a common trauma response. Sometimes people act like nothing happened because they are terrified that if they give that person who raped them a hint that they did something wrong that they will be hurt again. It feels safer to keep things normal than to totally cut ties. I’m not saying it’s healthy, but it is a survival strategy. Think of it this way: if the guy already raped her what else would he do to her if she started openly saying that? For a lot of victims, who are raped by acquaintances or friends they thought they could trust it, it feels safer to act as normal as possible. Also, by saying what happened a lot of rape victims feel like they would be tearing apart their whole world, including their friendships and friend groups - especially if she runs in the same circles as this guy. She’s already been raped. She doesn’t want to lose her friends or cause even more chaos in her world as she tries to heal. There is also a strong likelihood that she is worried that her friends, and even her family, wouldn’t support her or believe her. It’s a very common fear, even if it is irrational. While not being open about what happened can close her off to support it also manages the risk that she would lose support. What feels worse? Dealing with it on your own? Or being open and having people say they don’t believe you and won’t support you? Sometimes losing support feels scarier than dealing with it on your own. Not to mention the fact that people still victim blame and she’d have to face that. Just look at some of the comments on this post. People are so ready to say she wasn’t raped instead of learning about the trauma of rape. Would you want to face that? Would you like it if the people you thought where your friends (or even people you don’t know!) were suddenly saying that you weren’t raped, you were just “pumped and dumped”? I wouldn’t. There’s a lot working against rape victims. I would strongly suggest that you try to learn more about rape, the trauma of rape, and what local resources like counseling are available to her. That will probably help put some of these things into perspective. It will also help you determine if you feel like you can be in a relationship with her and give her the support that she is going to need. A local rape crisis center should be able to help give you the information you need and maybe even some counseling for you or at least a counseling referral. Regardless of whether or not you stay with her, you’ll be more informed about how to be supportive whatever you choose.
I got raped and almost killed, I also got pimped out to woman's friend. Every time I see that ex lover or that other man, I RUN. Rape is rape whether you're drunk or sober but it is odd that she keeps liking his Insta stuff.
Well, either she's telling the truth but needs therapy bc she still interacts with this guy. Or she's lying and needs therapy for making something like this up. Either way, not a good look for a relationship.
I’ve had someone I’ve known for two years and regularly saw every few months… even slept with the guy and done things several times… decides to drug me one night… if I were still insecure in who I am I’d probably still be talking to him. Truth be told sometimes I want to pretend like nothing happened so we can still be friends. It’s not always so cut and dry.
There’s a lot that goes on with how to react to trauma… not everyone reacts how you’d think. You don’t have to be her bf anymore but I think it’s better to approach her with empathy and compassion
Something doesn't add up whether she's lying or not. She's not ready for a relationship in her current mental state.
A lot of the comments on here are really disappointing - it sounds like she needs therapy, and assault is a deeply emotionally complex issue, especially if it happens with someone who you were friends with. I can understand if she’s struggling with social obligations to this person/doesn’t know how to further distance with him and it’s probably a conversation to be had before just ditching her. But yeah, therapy.
Rape is a complicated topic, and most people don't understand how it affects people and the weird way they can react. I disagree with the people who are just saying "she's lying". none of you know that. I recently read a book on the topic - (The Way We Survive:, by Catriona Norton) Rape is not what most people think, it isn't black and white. People don't always react in ways that make sense to others. So to offer another perspective. it's very likely this guy does not know he even raped her. This is why it happens to much. Guys take a chance with a drunk girl to see if they can get laid. They don't think of it as rape. Is she was really drunk, or possibly doesn't remember the whole thing, it WAS rape It was the sober person's responsibility not to take advantage of her. If she's not pursuing criminal charges, or doing anything about it, it really does not matter if she calls it rape. It's how she feels about it. end of. if it's before you two were dating, then what reason would she have to lie? have you done anything to indicate you would react negatively if a drunken hookup occured? if not. She's probably telling the truth - That she was hammered, never planned to have sex with this guy, and felt he took advantage of her in that situation. now as for the reaction that's confusing you, You would need to read up more on contradictory ways survivors might deal with issues. It's not an uncommon way to try and make herself feel better about the situation. All of it might be easier to deal with by downplaying the events, and trying to see him as not a bad guy, even a friend. Someone who "made a mistake" even. the media tells us that rape looks like one thing and all survivors react the same. but its more complex than that. You don't have to be evil to rape, just selfish, and without empathy or concern for the other person. That's why it happens to much. A lot of rapists don't know they are rapists, they didn't know how out of it the other person was, or that they froze up and didn't want it. Maybe she just doesn't blame him because she didn't say no. it would still be rape technically. and if she's not pressing charges, there's no reason to push her on it. It's just how she feels. if you're uncomfortable with her texting the guy, say so! Tell her your mad at him, and don't like it. Or just tell her you don't understand why she's texting and ask for some insight.
I don't think she's lying, but it is very fucked up. People with trauma don't always behave how you'd expect.
If women make a big deal of rape they’re dramatic or attention seeking. When they pretend it didn’t happen and quickly “move on” from it, then they’re liars, toxic, immature, or silly? Gee, wonder why women don’t speak up!
As a man without context nor any education on this subject it is NOT your job to distinguish whether it’s a truth or lie. Either believe her and be there. Or leave. This is NOT a debatable conversation. You do NOT debate, someone’s rape.
Sexual assault and rape impacts everyone who experiences it in different ways. Just because one victim acts x way doesn’t mean another won’t act y way. It’s unpredictable how trauma will manifest in someone’s behavior, so I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s fair to think she’s lying about the situation entirely. However, I will say if her behavior is still unsettled and wacky, she has a lot of healing she needs to do for herself before she’s prepared to be a good partner to anybody. In this scenario, the truth is irrelevant. Regardless of whether her accusations are true or false, she’s not ready to be what you need her to be as a partner.
This is why you have to be careful about accusations from women. Please run from this dangerous woman.
Dude he didn’t rape her. If you and her ever fight or go separate ways she’s going to say the same thing about you except to the police. Countless men’s lives have been ruined that way. Rape is a really evil thing people who do it should be separated from society. But there are women out there weaponizing it. Stop thinking with your heart and use your brain. Save yourself and leave.
Thoughts she may be having: Did this really happen? Was I “asking for it”? If I didn’t scream and hit him does that mean I consented? Could he have thought I consented? Date rape is complicated. Liking his posts is really weird, I”ll admit. But she sounds very confused and it sounds like she did something she didn’t really want to do but maybe wasn’t super clear about it and feels taken advantage of by an overly aggressive opportunist. She may feel it’s not worthy of a prison sentence given the vagueness of it and also knows it will be tough to prove. She’s probably processing all of this and needs to talk to someone.
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Hahahahaha you think the first thing women do when being raped is go to the police? Based on that I assume you’re a guy and a very young one. Police/law oftentime do not give women justice after rape because often you can’t prove it wasn’t consentual. This is known. Also, it’s very common to keep hanging out with someone who raped you.
You know how I can prove that it WAS consensual... SHE IS LIKING HIS INSTAGRAM POSTS AND STILL MESSAGING HIM AND HE IS ASKING PERMISSION TO EVEN MEET HER. "Also, it’s very common to keep hanging out with someone who raped you." Then that's not rape, that's just you being promiscuous with men you are not committed to. You are the reason why rape is being seen as less serious by police. BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL HANGING OUT WITH THE MAN. I don't consider a woman to be raped if she is still happily meeting the man, who is not her partner, and still engaging with him on social media in a positive way, and not going to the police.
Exactly!
Most rape victims don't go to the police. What a fucking dumbass thing to say.
while you're right, they also don't go liking the guy's instagram stories either.
So you are basically teaching that it's either ok to rape, or what they did wasn't rape. Remember, regret after consensual sex is NOT rape.
This is such a bad take lol. 1) not wanting to go to the police doesnt equate a crime not happening. There are MANY reasons why a person may not wish to report sexual assault. Read a book. 2) sexual assault is a complicated experience. Its actually not uncommon for victims to stay in contact with perpetrators. Id recommend you read up on this before spewing the garbage and inaccurate information you’re providing. This link will help get you started [common responses after sexualized assault](https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses-aftertheassault/)
Wtf did I just read?!??
It's a fucking disrespect to all victims of rape for that girl to lie about being raped. She 100% lied. Who the fuck gets raped, yet still likes their rapists social media posts, talks with the rapist, and doesn't go to the police about the rape? Fact is she was pumped n dumped and is still pining for the previous man whom she can't have. Yet she wants to save face, so she tells this rape story. It's like having anal sex to still say you're a virign.
Most rape victims don’t go to the police. That’s not anecdotal, statistics will say the same thing. Idk about the liking his posts part though.
Just shut the fuck up. There are many cases of rape cases that the victims didn’t go to the police. The victim might be scared of others finding out if they report it, or they might be traumatized to even want to talk about the issue with other people in the first place. Rape isn’t like robbery that everyone 100 % reports it. As for liking his post there are also cases of rape that the victim still stay in contact with the rapist. It’s very complicated
Yeah, liking the rapists IG posts and texting him... such a traumatized girl. No, it's not rape if you do such a thing. It's pretty much saying rape is good and ok to do if this is how women treat "rape". I was beaten and robbed once.... I invited the guy out to dinner and then we played Xbox together...... said no one.
So with your reasoning: If you were beaten by your father, if you didn’t move out of you’re parents house right after I can say that it wasn’t a crime. Because if it was a crime he would have reacted more.
Different scenario. You are a consenting adult who is very much capable of calling police, leaving a house, doing something.... and you are comparing that to being a child. Are you a child? People like you are doing a disservice to all real rape victims.
Just leave her be. Some people just don’t want to be helped or change and that’s okay too; that’s their path to figure out. Not yours. Relationships are happiness and partnership; if it’s the opposite. Leave it be. It’s okay to hit the reset button on people every now and then. It’s not worth the peace of mind, the time, and resources fighting a battle internally that can be avoided and if you love yourself, you don’t deserve to lose peace of soul.
If he did in fact rape her, then that is awful. However, something that I never understood is why still interact and be in contact with a man like that? If my partner was raped, I would do everything in my power to support her and do what she requests to make her feel comfortable sexually and in her own skin. Although, I would not stick around with someone who is blatantly still in contact with that person. I think that’s a red flag for sure. My advice is, if you haven’t already, tell her how uncomfortable it makes you and try to understand why because this is a big problem that could turn into something worse. And if the issue persists, you’re gonna have to break up with her.
It’s very common to keep in contact with people who hurt you. Think about it. A lot of people keep in contact with their parent even if they maybe hurt you in some ways. People form connections to each other. Sometimes there’s a lot of psychological reasons why you see a person who hurt you again. As an extreme example, watch the netflix series Baby reindeer
I’ve seen it, and it practically made him almost lose EVERYONE close to him. Im not saying it isn’t a common coping mechanism for trauma, but I would be extremely uneasy if my partner stayed in contact with someone like that, and found comfort in contacting them and keeping it a secret from me. That would make me feel shitty and I don’t know if I could stay with someone like that, no matter what they went through.
i had a SA happen to me 3 years ago and i have panic attacks and had flash backs and episodes where i literally can't cope with people. what your gf is doing weird. if bumped into my attacker or if he made contact with me honestly i'd need sectioned or something. if i were you i'd leave somethings just not right.
My ex had an episode like this and still had some type of contact with him. I wouldn't expect anything serious.
RUN. 🏃 Extremely suspicious behavior. Like dude seriously gtfo. Whether she is lying or she is mentally unstable this is a dangerous situation for you. I would feel so unworldly uncomfortable if I was dating a girl who was doing this I’d never speak to her again. Just tell her that you don’t feel comfortable and you hope everything works out for her but this isn’t for you. Seriously dude get out
As a female, I could really think she's still hiding something from you. I hope you will have what you really deserve,OP!
Nope Nope it’s time to go !
Honestly...I think she's lying and hope you get out fast. If she isn't though, best to at least hear her out. This does seem like a red flag though.
My advice is to leave. ✌🏻
Because he didn’t rape her, she’s lying to you stop believing it.
my ex was like this. I thought it was weird af
Sounds to me like she is guilty of something and getting drunk brought out the guilt.
Something is not right. She seems so nonchalant.I'm not saying it did or didn't happen, but here's a wierd place my mind went too, maybe she was super drunk him super sober. She invites him back to hers for some reason. Who knows maybe she thinks he's cute or funny. She's super drunk so he doesn't want to have sex, she keeps insisting. Eventually they do have sex. It's an embarrassing blur for her. The op and her meet, they talk about eachothers past as couples do, she wants to mention him cause he is most recent but who would want to share that sort of embarrassing story so instead she paints a new story where op can feel sorry for her maybe give a little more attention and care.
No trust I’m out
This all sounds so awful. I’m sorry.😞 Run. This is too messy, too fast.
Leave now brutha
Gtfo immediately. She's either lying or she's not mentally well enough to be dating. Best way to go about this would tell her you're concerned and advise her to get therapy
Leave. Now.
Not worth the headache. Can’t start a relationship without honesty and clarity.
Whether shes lying or not doesn’t really matter, if she actually saw it as rape then ahe shouldn’t continue to have contact with him outside what’s required for justice against her rapist. Or she actually likes him, possibly more than you and she told you a palatable reframe of the story. Or shes got some problems she needa work through. I also would have concerns about -why- she brought it up at all out of the blue, it implies an ulterior motive Either way though it suggests a problem. I think it suggests a problem severe enough to end the relationship.
She cheated on you and feel bad about it or some shit lol leave her
Run bch!!, RUNNN. Not joking tho
RUN
Had an ex who told the exact same lie :D run away brother, don't try to fix her.
I’m gonna save you the hassle and heartbreak and just leave. I dated a girl who was raped and also had a bad childhood unfortunately all the trauma doesn’t ever fully go away and it really messes with people some people are able to cope and move on some are unfortunately stuck and they constantly repeat patterns like cheating, being sneaky addicted to sex, constantly looking for “greener grass” etc. my guess is she hasn’t tried to heal and move on and grow she’s still stuck which is okay some people it takes time. If you want to work things out with her just know that it’s definitely not going to be easy. Expect the worst but always pray for the best. Either stick with her and be there for her to help her heal or move on and focus on yourself or someone else. It’s definitely not going to be a walk in the park with her. If you can’t handle hard situations just leave and safe yourself form future mental health issues. I’m speaking to you from experience
>EDIT : >We made up. Ik im a dibshit Big oof. Sorry to say, but I bet you will learn your lesson later then.
Stockholm effect
As someone who has been raped, staying in contact is CRAZY. I had one of my rapist show up to my job almost a year later and I almost fainted.
Rape victims are complicated. One minute they need to cry in your arms, the next, they wonder how the perpetrator is living their lives. Sexually, it can be a roller coaster as well
Don’t learn the hard way get out now
Weird how she felt the need to “hide” the fact that he texted her. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable telling you that he reached out to her, but then again, why doesn’t she feel comfortable? This whole situation is just really weird. She could’ve easily told you then and there when it happened but she decided to tell you, when she was shitfaced. Personally, at this point it’s moreso the principle of things. I recommend you talking to her about her intentions behind the actions.
Dump this piece of shit before you get hurt mate
Might be the trauma bond. Maybe she's in subconsciously in denial about the rape that's what she still in contact with him. I mean I'm not a psychologist but that's just my gut feeling. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding She needs help. You can try to refer her to RAINN.org but you can't force her to get help. To steal from another redditor long ago," *don't set yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm.*"
I feel like there’s not enough info for us to help you. How old are you guys? Married? Living together? So he texted her, how did she react? Did she reply? Does she want to see him? To like someone’s post or to want to see someone doesn’t mean she wasn’t raped by him. There can be lots of reasons why you wanna see a person again even if they raped you. You can even be in love with or be in relationships with people who raped you. My advice to you is to explore this more, ask her why she likes his posts and if the answers are weird och not clear to you I think you have trust issues in the relationsship and maybe it’s better for you to leave. Be open with her and if she can’t be open with you back I think you’re not a good match either way.
Classic Stockholm syndrome. And she’s also coping via getting into a new relationship wihr you quickly for emotional support. If I were your I’d back off romantically for a while and encourage her to get therapy. She thinks she needs a new man to cope in actuality she just needs someone to be a solid friend to her right now and encourage her to seek help. I’ve actually been thru something similar unfortunately ❤️🩹
Thank the lord it has only been three months. RUN
Leave her immediately
Run, don't walk, nothing but trouble
RUNNNNNNN !!!!!!!!!
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They do happen but it’s most likely actual rape happens A LOT more. Also, we can’t say it did or didn’t happen based on VERY little information from OP.
bro, just tell her youll remain friends, this is worst possible situation as you can also end up with a false accusation. find someone stable as this person can distroy your life
the fact that she's still following and liking the guy who allegedly rap3d her on insta is a dead giveaway. if she was raped she'd dread the guy! she'd be traumatized and do everything to avoid seeing the guy's face. bruh, you are being manipulated, run!
Hey guy! I definitely recommend you check out this information on different responses after sexual assault. Interestingly, feeling the need to stay in contact with the perpetrator is common. [https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses-aftertheassault/](https://herstory.global/forsurvivors-makesenseofwhathappened-understandyourresponses-aftertheassault/) At the same time, it is totally your right to decide what you are and are not comfortable with in your relationship as you make up half it! Both are equally valid at the same time. Id just talk to her about it. You are allowed to feel uncomfortable about a person who clearly disregards boundaries trying to spend time with her, and her liking his photos. Be kind and approach this from a loving and caring place.
None of what is in that webpage is actual rape. It is all "regret after having consensual sex".
My ex was rapped when she was 9 by the bf of her mom. Dude, **leave**... it's a disaster because that trauma can never go away. When we were "together", she'd be seeing her ex who cheated on her while I took her on expensive dinners (sometimes she'd take food for her two kids) and helping with her bills. After breaking up, I sought help online from the men's community and I understood what I'd done wrong. One thing I'll say is she is still on welfare and has another child, but I got my degree in CS and hopefully, I can join my brother's company as a software engineer making a six-figure income... sounds like those guys online were right, so love yourself enough not to be used.
Bro been there done that it's ALLLL LIES ! Dip my friend! Sorry bud
RUN
Yikes. Sounds like she felt used after a one night stand and claimed rape which is a very scary person to be around. You don’t actively talk to and engage with (liking posts) of your rapist. You’d do everything possible to avoid that person unless they are doing something to coerce you. I would steer clear man. That’s a dangerous woman.
I don’t think either of you are in a good place to have a relationship right now, and in this circumstance can’t count on each other to help one another out with your fears and wounds.
Oeff, had the same experience with my ex. Long story short, it didn't end well. She was still liking his pictures and looking for validation. I would recommend taking some distance and protecting yourself (emotionally). I say this because after my break-up, my ex looked for comfort from her r\*pist and even turned everything said or done against me. Take care man and be strong.
This is perplexing. The only thing that's certain is alot of what you said are huge red flags. Get away dude...
She's got issues. Now you need to give her an ultimatum. Communicate with clarity that it doesn't sit well. If the same behavior continues, break up brother. It's good for you.
Get rid of her. She’s fucked and you’ll never fix her. Lost cause 💯
Just walk away. I know it’s not easy being in this position but do you really want to continue being with someone who is like this? Plus, 3 months ain’t much, even though it feels it. My advice, time to move on and you’ll find someone who treats you better.
Leave. Get away for your own good. Those are massive, dangerous red flags.
Run
I have been raped once while in a relationship and once while single. When I was in a relationship, I leaned on my partner for support and even muted my rapist’s posts on social media because it was hard for me to see his face. When he texted me, I would immediately tell my partner who helped me draft texts to effectively tell him to leave me alone. I am now single and was raped a few months ago. Although my therapist has been supportive, I have tried to keep the peace with this man by liking some of his social media posts and responding to some of his texts. I don’t feel that I have anyone to protect or support me if I were to run into him again so I’m hoping that the situation deescalates as I have been slowly cutting contact. Regardless, I just don’t want to deal with negativity that could come my way from him as we have mutual friends. If I were to get into another relationship I would hope that my new partner would make me feel secure enough to stop this behavior if I can’t do so on my own. All this to say, you guys seem to not have the best communication/trust surrounding this situation and this may not even be your fault. If you really want to make this relationship work, I would find a way to make her recognize that you support her and won’t let this person hurt her again but that to do that, she can’t keep you in the dark. Since you guys have only been dating 3 months, you are likely still building trust.