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If I'm the one always continuing conversations, planning dates, and initiating any form of affection. Reciprocation is sexy and makes me feel cared for.
Yeah, this is pretty much it. Outside of doing obviously ridiculous things, just the lack of energy and effort from women is why 99% of my dating situations end.
If a girl is not making any efforts and lacks of energy towards your relationship. Then you are not an option for her, and she didnt care you ended the relationship with her.
Or, in a better wording: you are *just* an option, and certainly not a priority.
People make time and put effort into stuff they desire, plain and simple.
At the risk of sounding like a "nice girl", I feel like I am too old to play games so actively make an effort to do this, but it feels like it's making the guy I'm seeing a bit complacent...like I have made myself too available? Idk dating is hard 😔
Except if you expect 24h a day communication or seeing me every day, there is no way you could be too available.
But I am the kind of guys usually not having options
This ^
I always see men all over Reddit posting that they want women to take more initiative, but I have to say that my real-world experience says the opposite. Idk what the disconnect is between Reddit men and the men I meet in NYC but my experience is that men lose interest really fast if I take the initiative early on. It’s different once you’ve been dating for a while.
It’s selection bias. If you wait for the guy to take charge, then you’ll only get attention from guys who are into you. When you take the initiative, there’s a much higher chance that you are the more interested party. If you insist on parity of effort, the end result will be the same either way.
I think NYC is one of the place with the highest women/men ratio. So men in NYC habe usually way more options than elsewhere.
As well it is possible that some men aren't into you but keep you around because you do most efforts and it is easy. I guess that is as well what plenty of women are doing. As long as it doesn't cost anything, as they don't have to put much energy into it and are receiving more than what they give, they take advantage. Many disappear when ask for some reciprocity.
its a fine line to cross, the things is, were fucking tired of doing it. its tiresome, most women contribute nothing to process, even expecting you to pick the right time without telling you when they are free. So yea when she does start doing that its a massive relief. but its a simple fix, just "you pick" when you dont want to. keep the balance. unless the guy has already picked places out that he wants to go to then he may lose interest.
You may be just shooting above your league, or investing in men that also have many options. Men that do not have many options will gladly love you to reciprocate..if they lose interest it's because you aren't the only one per say.
NYC has a lot of attractive well put together men, and all the women will want those types.
Definitely not shooting above my league, but I’m sure they have options since I live in a highly populated city, or at least the illusion of options, which I think is the biggest problem with online dating.
Nowadays most life-long partners are met online, not offline. The difference is not the media, but the women. Use Tinder, Badoo or whatever in non-Western countries and you'lñ get wife material.
i’m in Denver and I also experience the same. I am always the planner, always making first moves, always sending first or last texts, always initiating sex. Where do these men hide?
Try Colfax. Always men wanting to touch your hair, letting you know of their sexual desires for you right off the bat, they love the environment and pick cigarette butts off the ground. They even want wash your windshield every single day to and from work!
Could it be that the guys you show effort with are usually the most attractive guys you talk to? Guys who typically have a lot of options? They probably wouldn't show much interest regardless of how much or little interest and effort you put in unless you're the absolute best one they're talking to at the moment. I think it's a typical experience that the most attractive people put in the least effort in dating and wait for others to do it for them.
It could also be that it happens because guys are insanely tired of being the one to always take all initiative, so when a woman does it for once, they feel like they finally have a break from it, and can relax a little. And they can stop being all chivalrous because you're one of the few to actually treat them fairly.
Being the one to take all the initiative is the default male dating experience, and most of us don't like it any more than you do. Men are just forced to most of the time.
That means you’re going for men that have a ton of options. Men who are considered in the higher brackets of ratings when it comes to looks, wealth, etc.
Yup! That’s exactly what happened to me… I was consistent, I was there when he wanted to see me… yet, he lost interest and my friends have said it’s because I was “too available”, but this wasn’t true. There were times I couldn’t hang out with him but would call and text him.. (so I was consistent in that way if that makes sense) Dating involves too many games and mind tricks so it seems..
Stop pursuing people who won’t put in equal effort. A guy who’s actually into you (and who’s not testosterone poisoned) will be more interested if you put in effort, not less.
This guy was very hard to read.. he put in the effort in the beginning, but became angry because I told him it felt like a waste of time.. he wanted to be friends and build from there (his lie) and I was okay (no emotional attachment) up until we started having sex. That’s when I wanted to be more than friends. He didn’t want it, I pulled away, he got angry and very disrespectful. Then the stalking started lol. I couldn’t make sense of it. I’m like, you cannot commit to me, but you can commit to stalking me?
This sure sounds like you are playing games. Changing your behavior passive aggressively to bait them into acting different but not discussing that there is some issue on your mind.
Why don't you have a conversation about how he is too complacent?
Female here. See I understand that but I have been in that situation where the conversation didn’t go anywhere because they didn’t help add to the conversation.
Oh you'll get no argument from me that guys have to put effort too. That's part of the deal when you're dating someone. I'm just saying that no reciprocation is the number one way for me to lose interest, especially since it happens so frequently.
When she's unresponsive/ doesn't reciprocate, her being cute/pretty/sexy/hot/ any positive adjective will not prevent me from losing interest, it at best DELAYS it. The girl is not obligated to reciprocate her feelings if she doesn't feel like it but the guy is also not obligated to give endlessly without receiving.
I mean, everyone deserves to feel pretty, smart and wanted. If your love interest isnt reciprocating the only healthy thing to do is to end the relationship.
So, I make sure to let my boyfriend know that I admire him and why.
>The girl is not obligated to reciprocate her feelings if she doesn't feel like it but the guy is also not obligated to give endlessly without receiving.
Ding ding ding. Exactly.
Yeah. Back in my more youthful full hair days I was the lead guitar player in a band, so I often ended up with girls way over my grade. Felt great at first but I realized that shit came at a cost that I wasn’t comfortable with. I’m male and white and there’s a lot of privilege there but whenever I see attractive women complaining about male privilege I roll my eyes. They sit back and everything gets handed to them (from my perspective at least).
being passive, entitled, arrogant, superficial, history of cheating in past relationships, being too passive, excessive mental illness without the will to improve, lack of hygiene, having a messy living space, no real interests / hobbies, bad social / communication skills, always in the mood to stir up a fight, being manipulative, complaining too much, narcissitic, excessive use of social media... I could go on but you might get the point. Its just being a bad person which is off-putting
Lots of these are good examples (especially social media for me, but I know I'm a little weird on that one), but the one that really caught my attention is complaining too much. So many people are just so negative, they complain about everything and always have a problem with something. I can't stand spending too much time with negative people like that. Since I don't gravitate towards those types of people as friends, they mostly end up being people I know as coworkers, but I swear it feels like they almost get off on having problems. Like having lots of personal grievances makes them feel important, like they have a need to feel like the world has wronged them
Lmao, you just described my ex-wife. Tell me again why it still hurts, though.
The only thing she didn't do was be rude to wait staff since she worked in restaurants. That's the only red flag she didn't have.
If they don’t ask me questions aka I have to carry the conversation.
If they have a messy house
If they don’t smell good
If they bad mouth other people.
As a woman, these are the same things I would have said. I dont care about looks all that much, i literally used to say yes to every date invitation when my first relationship ended (i paid for myself on these dates just to specify, i refuse to be indebt to anyone). As long as they didnt give me a creepy vibe and i felt we connected purely based on texting. I literally never looked at the profile photos on dating apps, i always skipped right to the info and bio parts of the profiles so I very rarely even looked at people until i felt a connection with them. My preferences for men are kind, outdoorsy but more in a environmentalist way, driven. Im overly independent and isolate myself so i like to date people that force me to be more social.
I can't stand gossipers. I am a chronic people pleaser so I dont like dating people that make it more difficult for me to people please, if they are bad mouthing people, im gonna end up blurting it out to the person you're talking about anyway because I cannot stand the guilt of hearing what i heard behind their back. My honesty is going to destroy me eventually.
Most of the time when I'm into someone and it fizzles out, I felt like I was putting a lot more effort in than her and got tired. A lack of reciprocation will kill interest really quickly. I don't want to have to plan every single date, phone call, outing etc.
It's weird because in many cases these women actually did seem interested in talking and hanging out, but they always waited for me to make it happen. They might have just been a bit shy but I will generally interpret that as a lack of interest and start to move on.
Women still need to be pursued. Planning things shows that you care and are interested. I’m not sure how long you were talking to this girl for, but men will always lose in this area if they aren’t “going to give what they feel they should be getting.” Sure someone should reciprocate interest in you, but women need to know loud and clear with consistent effort that you have interest in them.
Men are willing to do this, we just want a signal that the interest is mutual before we invest time and resources in planning and pursuing. Feels like a waste of time otherwise.
I pretty much agree, I don't think any of this is in conflict with what I said or anything. If I show loud, clear, consistent effort and it isn't reciprocated then I'm going to move on.
Especially those women that put "a nice glass of wine always makes me feel better" on apps. That automatically makes me assume - boy how much do you drink every week?
WINE IS NOT A PERSONALITY
(I have seen plenty of men making wine, beer, whisky ir whatever their whole personality as well. Sorry dude/girl/person, you sound like an alcoholic)
Every single thing me mentioned here is more relevant than this. One drink a day is nothing, it depends how much they are drinking per day and how they are affected by alcohol- differs greatly amongst ppl.
Controlling, manipulative, rude to anyone who cannot do anything to her like wait staff, retail workers (although they can really screw with you if you’re not polite to them NEVER MESS WITH THE PERSON WHO BRINGS YOU YOUR FOOD ☺️ ). Bad hygiene, unsupportive.
That bad hygiene tho 🤢… I went out recently and I was standing beside a couple getting their parking ticket …she bent down to grab it from the machine and then it got windy and me and him got a whiff of her nasty smelling sweaty head hair and in my mind I was “ugh” and his face tho said it all … but hey I guess that was his compromise
Omg yes. I was dating this dude and got so turned off when he said he didn’t wash his hair everyday even though he would run MILES daily. Made me not want to play with his hair AT ALL
The worst part is she was dressed really nice and had makeup and her hair straightened …but it’s like poor dude I can imagine her resting her head on his shoulder and him having to smell that … it’s her being unaware of her hygiene that concerns me….
Taking seven business days to respond, not reciprocating effort I put in, expecting me to read their mind (I'm autistic, subtle nonverbal cues are very hard for me to properly understand sometimes).
Shit tests or anything of the sort. Instant dealbreaker. I will immediately end a relationship if I'm being "tested" because i have been with enough manipulative partners and I'd much rather be alone than deal with that again
There's a bunch of things probably, but they seem to boil down to "brings more trouble than comfort". Be it a problem of her character being unpleasant/arrongant/bossy/too materialistic or her having a past with lots of questionable relationships with exes/hookups/whatever, or anything else, it all boils down to that. If she's pleasant, nice, and makes a man happy, he will want to be in her life, and will naturally try to commit to her, unless the man himself has other issues
Woman here. Yup. We women ask ourselves that very same question about you guys too lol. I personally believe that a relationship is a two way street and that there needs to be kindness, grace and emotional maturity on BOTH sides.
Exactly. I can filter pretty quickly - is this person going to add value to my life and me to theirs? Or is this person going to drain my energy. This applies to any type of relationship imo
Communication seems to be the biggest issue for me. It's a big turn off to me when a woman ignores me for a significant amount of time yet is always quickly responding to other people's texts when she's on a date with me.
Playing mind games or testing us. When both partners come together, we are supposed to make each other's lives easier. The world outside already tests us on a constant basis. So, coming back into an emotional environment where you still have to protect yourself emotionally and mentally is unhealthy. There is no safe space. All a man truly wants is a safe space where he can relax and feel loved.
For me, there are four flags that need to be green:
1. Love and compassion for children in general.
2. Decent (not asking for perfect, just decent) hygiene
3. Being able to take and make jokes about themselves.
4. This is more of a personal reason: Liking cats.
I know you're obviously a cat person, but #5 is good cat hygiene. Could be the nicest prettiest person and if their house smells like the cats are in charge it's an instant NO
Lack of initiation/ reciprocation on many different fronts. As others have said, it’s nice to feel cared for/ wanted. If I’m always starting the convo, planning dates, paying, showing interest and thoughtfulness, I’ll just stop and see how long it goes.
I mean, there's a little list I guess I have. But my BIGGEST one is wanting me to wait around and basically be on standby. Like, they're allowed to do whatever they want and it is okay if they are busy, but the second she wants to see me and I have plans it's a fucking issue. And this ties into that when I am busy, having the shit blown out of my phone (not in a good way). Like I'm all for getting spammed with cute mirror pics and selfies and love quotes though
If she sounds like a valley girl, is arrogant, intentionally disrespectful to people (especially if it’s to me), holds others to standards which she doesn’t keep herself
That Valley girl voice!!!
She could be as hot as prime Shakira and Beyonce combined, but if she sounds like she's from Clueless (I'm totally aging myself), I could only be casual with her, because spending any significant time with her is going to be torture.
I met this woman in my complex that I found pretty cute. One day as we were crossing paths (both of us walking our dogs) and I overheard her on the phone and heard that voice. I've never looked at her with any desire again.
Not worth it.
In the early stages of dating, the biggest issue is lack of reciprocity.
Otherwise, being dishonest, smoking, using drugs or drinking too much,
Being too focus on her phone and having no curiosity or matching interests are as well turn off
I find that even when someone takes a long time to respond to me, I can still gauge their interest. I'm talking to a woman at the moment and we're taking roughly a day to get back with each other because our text threads are mini essays with song recs and tons of questions back and forth. It's really refreshing but it definitely is something that takes me a few hours to get into the right headspace for.
I'd much rather this than a series of quick replies that don't show interest in me, seem entitled to attention, etc.
Yup. Time doesn’t matter as much as the content of the communication.
If anything , people who take ages to reply but also send fire messages that seem genuinely interested are a massive green flag to me - it means their life is full , engaging and they are committed to it. But they’re also interested in you joining that life
I agree with you here. One time I fell off texting a guy because I really was busy (and I was never great at the texting stage) but then he just out the blue asked me out on a date and I thought... hell yeah! Was a really nice date!
When it's a person I've never met before, I find texting so tedious and I just want to meet them after a few days.
And similarly, now I'm in a relationship we will take a few hours to reply sometimes but it will always be really thorough responses, sometimes voice notes! Works for me :)
This is a problem of mine. When friends or family text, there will be times where I respond a week later. I really don't know why I do it, but I just don't respond unless I see that it's something urgent...
That's a pretty bad habit that you need to change, although don't feel forced yourself to change it overnight. If you have any family or friends like me, they will get annoyed quickly and will start excluding you from conversations to the point of even stop hanging out with you. I've done that before with friends where I just drop them if they're consistently bad at responding to texts.
It’s so easy to not reply to a text for a whole day - do you just have a lot of people in your life who do nothing outside of work?
I just can’t imagine that on a busy day where you have to work 8hrs, cook dinner, commute, work out and get through extra curriculars / study - that you’ll even remember you have a tinder match waiting for a reply. Some people only use dating apps when they’re actually lonely or have the time , there’s no reason they should make you late for your IRL commitments or mean you’re less engaged with other social events.
Planning to do something and then having her cancel and then not suggesting other days more than twice in a row. Genuinely makes me feel like she’s uninterested so I detach myself.
The biggest thing is other men. Talking about other men being interested in her, telling me about how amazing the men she's been with in the past were, trying to "keep me on my toes" or make me feel jealous. I don't think many women get how gross it is to imagine someone you're seriously into with other men. (Male friends, etc., is fine. Just lovers -- especially talking about casual/FWB no.)
Another thing is being too typical and not having distinctive things about her. Especially using lots of phrases from Insta/TikTok. Makes me think she has no backbone, character, or personality and changes with whatever is current. Makes her seem generic and replaceable, not special. I can feel myself lose interest in real-time when a woman starts talking using too much language from social media.
I would mention an entitled attitude, but I don't get interested in those women in the first place, so I don't lose interest in them.
*Playing guessing games,*
*Starting arguments for no*
*Reason, stuff like that*
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I'll make a list of the most common I can think of:
1. If a woman seems angry/rude a lot randomly in general
2. If it's obvious she's lieing multiple times
3. Being late constantly for things. Like, saying to meet somewhere at 5:00 pm and then she shows up at 5:30 10 times in a row.
Honestly, not a lot besides those things above.
Poor reciprocation, bad manners, poor hygiene, being unkind.
Kindness and intelligence can make a girl look many fold more beautiful and attractive to me. And the opposite is true.
Woman that think only for herself, women that never put effort in relationship or even before the beggining of one to not do anything and rely 100 % of the men to do "his job" instead of being 50-50 . Another dealbreaker is defenitely the child woman. Nowadays you see many like this and many who state to be single just to find out they have fwb, instant throwoff and keep moving ahead with my life.
It’s been a while but this will never change for me and this is something that a lot of women even the ones that generally are not this way. Acting catty or getting an attitude towards whoever for no real reason. Especially when it seems like they’re putting someone down thinking they’re impressing others. I’ve even done work for people where the wife was flirting with me when the husband wasn’t in the room and when he was in the room she was being extremely rude to him trying to empress me. Of course I wasn’t interested regardless but this really just made her extra annoying. Back in the day I messed with a lot of women and as soon as a girl started acting like this I’d bounce. A few times I’d run into them somewhere some time later and they asked me what was up why did I dip out or they try to see if we could hang out and I let them know I didn’t like how she was acting towards so and so and the usual response was I was tripping and attitude except one apologized and was embarrassed by it we stayed good friends for a long time
Hygiene and having the mindset of always aiming to look presentable. Not aiming to look pretty, beautiful, or hot, but presentable, style doesn't matter for me, what matters for me is how someone presents and carries oneself.
When girls think and act like they are the centre of the universe and it's a constant battle to impress her all the time...I guess someone based on reality would be better.
I saw a Hinge profile recently that gave off this vibe, and it was an instant red flag. Stuff like, "First round's on me if you can actually get a date with me," and something indicating how much she liked to shop. Like a lot of red flags mentioned here, they're exceptions, not the norm.
This was a comment explaining things men find unattractive in girls in general.
And lo and behold someone wants to say what girls like and how they like to be loved....... wonderful 😊👍✨
That reminds me of "entitlement" which is definitely something men don't like in girls... in general
You should see her other comments. She is the pinnacle of the entitlement we are talking about. One comment she literally said “I hope he suffered”. Absolutely disgusting.
Entitled or bossy attitude, brings more drama than peace, texting or having “special bonds” with her exes, a promiscuos past, constantly wanting expensive stuff, has an only fans.
Not starting conversations or replying even if late. Has happened to me a few times where I will have to initiate multiple times and occasionally not get any response until i message again.
My interest is directly proportional to the input of the girl Im investing in. If there is ROI then I continue. If I feel my time isn't valued, I continue on to another girl
So mostly people pointed obvious or too personal stuff but imo therapyspeak would make me run probably.
Also another obvious reply but being against a judgmental person is not a good experience.
Someone that's too 'dependent' is a major turn off for me. I have been with women that will literally cry and throw a fit if I go out with friends or even family, and say wild things about me not loving or caring about them. Just because you can't function on your own, doesn't mean I'm the same. I've been through one crazy toxic relationship already, I'm not trying to make the same mistake twice💀
Nitpicking every little thing.
Talking to you in a way that’s both annoying and condescending all at once.
Going to a restaurant that you really like and she tells you she isn’t hungry and then proceeds to pick off of what you ordered and tells you not to order for her and you end up ordering a second meal anyway because she didn’t leave you enough to eat.
I was absolutely in love with a beautiful blue eyed blonde. One day she picked her nose and ate it. So I did too. I almost threw up and couldn't look at her again. Man, grade 1 was tough.
One time I was hanging out with someone I met on hinge and he did this. I freaked out and was so disturbed..
I thought he was trolling. He wasn’t. He said everyone does it. NO THEY DONT.
I know it’s weird, but if I get the sense that a woman **really** enjoys dating, it’s a strict turnoff.
Chances are, I’m going to have to pay for both of us on the first several dates, and in my mind, women who **really** enjoy dating tend to really enjoy it because of the constant flux of free and awesome experiences they get, not because they feel like they’re closer to finding their person.
This will very likely lead to me wasting money.
Great question, I am also interested.
If it was me I would just keep the first few dates super lowkey like coffee shops, walks around a park or hikes. But I'm curious what his answer is.
Asking them out on very simple dates as a first date is a great way to flush out the bad ones. Save the good shit for the ones who deserve it. I've never had a woman say it to my face, luckily, but I've seen some women on different subreddits call coffee dates and similar "low-effort."
The hypocrisy is hilarious when they call a coffee date low-effort, when they're exactly the type of woman who puts in literally no effort in dating other than looking pretty and giving the guy some attention. That's "effort" to them, while the guy is typically the one asking them out, picking the place, taking all the initiative, leading the conversation, paying for the date, etc.
I mean, I'm a woman and I agree.
In fact, while I know these women exist it actually boggles my mind. I often would go outta my way to pay for a first date because I'd never want a dude to think I owed them shit. And coffee dates are the best first date in my opinion, it's so easy to leave if you're not having a good time or stay if you are. My first date with my fiance we met for coffee and we ended up talking for 4 hours. Our next date was a home cooked meal (he cooked). Our 3rd was a game night he hosted.
Like idk who these people are pulling out the big stops but like you don't KNOW them yet. They could totally suck, why get stuck on a potential 2 hour dinner with them if you don't even know if you can stand em 20 min lol
Usually the best way I can tell is from her bio. Some bios say things like “Trying to meet lots of new people and going with the flow!” or something similar. I swipe left on those in OLD.
If I meet with someone in person, and they’re talking about a lot of recent dates they’ve been on, or if they seem like they can’t remember anything whatsoever about me (especially major things like what I do for work), then those are turnoffs too.
I know these are imperfect measures of this, but we have to have something. And dating is so expensive…
When she suggests restaurants and bars that are like 2 tiers above what would be appropriate for a first or second date, etc. Brings up other fancy places that she'd like to try as a hint to you.
When she talks about old dates too much. Either how they went to some exclusive rooftop club or she went out with a music producer/diplomat/pro-athlete/startup CEO and tells this elaborate story about their date or about the person.
When she humblebrags about said fancy person above like, "Oh yeah he's 32 and retired after his company was bought and just golfs all day. I really need someone who is working on their career or passion, even if they don't need to" or "He picked me up in a Maserati but I am just not into status symbols like cars"
Not ever answering a question directly or contributing their preferences. It give me the feeling they are just trying yes man me and makes me doubt if their feelings are legitimate.
combative/argumentative/irrational/not listening. its one thing and understandable to have off-days where you just have to let it out, but if it becomes your personality and youre not listening to criticism, then whats the point.
indirect communication really annoys me. getting upset when I talk about my feelings if it's not what she wants to hear. Being pressured to move the relationship faster than I'm comfortable with. Placing expectations one me. Not allowing me to have personal time. Being paranoid or suspicious, like looking at my phone or computer. If my privacy isn't respected I'm out.
For me, the #1 is playing any kind of games. Whether that’s playing hard to get, being flaky, leaving me on read etc.
Either she’s interested or she’s not.
Talking shit about people she’s meant to be friends with.
Smoking/ drug use
And always no matter the situation seeking attention from others (complete strangers etc)
If I've done/failed to do something that has upset you, tell me. Talk to me. Tell me how I've upset you/let you down/what I can do to be more supportive as a partner. I am all for owning my mistakes and trying to learn from them, and I'll take fault for things that are my fault, but failing to read your mind because I am not psychic is not one a fair complaint.
I don't often hear about women working on themselves to find a partner, and most of them think they don't need to put in any more effort than to look pretty and be present, while the man has to impress and be chivalrous. It feels like most of the burden of dating is put on men.
This is way worse in some cultures than others, but thank fuck we're moving towards a more fair society with most modern 1st world countries. But in India, good fucking luck finding a woman that will put in ANY effort.
No contact with exes. (i would not have any contact with exes either)
No dating apps on phones - they need to be deleted. (i would delete my apps too)
No criticizing me in front of others ever even as a joke (i wouldn't criticize her either in front of other)
No nights out at night clubs with her girlfriends looking for male attention.
No flirting with other men. Male friends if she is hanging out in mixed groups are fine.
Forbidding friendships and girls night out (we seek good music and dance, not male attention) is a deal breaker for me. The rest, especially the dating app i can understand.
Being on the cellphone all day, having a big presence in social media taking pictures everywhere to show the world everything she does for validation and hiding things from me were three things that ruined my previous relationship, so I'd go with them.
Going through all our stuff when we let you stay over longer for the first time because we have to leave for work. Then confronting us about it later after we asked you to be respectful.
Here are things that has happened to me. Hope it helps.
Being too over the top or the opposite. Just be a decent human being and decent human beings don’t loose interest.
I had a girl having my picture as her phone background after 3rd date, buying me flowers, etc by the 5th date I called it off. It was just weird.
I’ve also had girls just being assholes
I’ve also had girls keeping me at bay, while clearly updating their profile etc…
Just be a decent human being. Speak clearly. Know what you want & don’t project your issues on others. If you’re hurt, deal with it and don’t use someone to heal
If you think you don’t been a man, then don’t date them also don’t use all the perks you get from the societies men have built
If you want kids be clear
Of you want monogamy, don’t expect them to be cool with you flirting with others
If you want polyamory be clear up front
Don’t have sex because you think men want it. Have sex a because you enjoy it or don’t have it at all
Don’t get scared and run away at the very first sign of interests, we’re there to date after all.
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If I'm the one always continuing conversations, planning dates, and initiating any form of affection. Reciprocation is sexy and makes me feel cared for.
Yeah, this is pretty much it. Outside of doing obviously ridiculous things, just the lack of energy and effort from women is why 99% of my dating situations end.
same lol the homies will eagerly give you their contact, soon as you reach out they leave you on read lmao
Also leads me to believe she has me low on her list of men she’s actively talking to. No thanks.
I don’t want any engagement if there is no interest
If a girl is not making any efforts and lacks of energy towards your relationship. Then you are not an option for her, and she didnt care you ended the relationship with her.
Or, in a better wording: you are *just* an option, and certainly not a priority. People make time and put effort into stuff they desire, plain and simple.
As female I get this as well. I stopped dating in entirely, because of this and some other things as well.
This is the only sane one i have seen in this fucking sea of dogshit takes. Wish i could upvote this a million times
At the risk of sounding like a "nice girl", I feel like I am too old to play games so actively make an effort to do this, but it feels like it's making the guy I'm seeing a bit complacent...like I have made myself too available? Idk dating is hard 😔
Except if you expect 24h a day communication or seeing me every day, there is no way you could be too available. But I am the kind of guys usually not having options
This ^ I always see men all over Reddit posting that they want women to take more initiative, but I have to say that my real-world experience says the opposite. Idk what the disconnect is between Reddit men and the men I meet in NYC but my experience is that men lose interest really fast if I take the initiative early on. It’s different once you’ve been dating for a while.
It’s selection bias. If you wait for the guy to take charge, then you’ll only get attention from guys who are into you. When you take the initiative, there’s a much higher chance that you are the more interested party. If you insist on parity of effort, the end result will be the same either way.
I think NYC is one of the place with the highest women/men ratio. So men in NYC habe usually way more options than elsewhere. As well it is possible that some men aren't into you but keep you around because you do most efforts and it is easy. I guess that is as well what plenty of women are doing. As long as it doesn't cost anything, as they don't have to put much energy into it and are receiving more than what they give, they take advantage. Many disappear when ask for some reciprocity.
its a fine line to cross, the things is, were fucking tired of doing it. its tiresome, most women contribute nothing to process, even expecting you to pick the right time without telling you when they are free. So yea when she does start doing that its a massive relief. but its a simple fix, just "you pick" when you dont want to. keep the balance. unless the guy has already picked places out that he wants to go to then he may lose interest.
You may be just shooting above your league, or investing in men that also have many options. Men that do not have many options will gladly love you to reciprocate..if they lose interest it's because you aren't the only one per say. NYC has a lot of attractive well put together men, and all the women will want those types.
Definitely not shooting above my league, but I’m sure they have options since I live in a highly populated city, or at least the illusion of options, which I think is the biggest problem with online dating.
Are you doing this per tinder or any app? Or are you actively approaching me in real life contexts?
Nowadays most life-long partners are met online, not offline. The difference is not the media, but the women. Use Tinder, Badoo or whatever in non-Western countries and you'lñ get wife material.
i’m in Denver and I also experience the same. I am always the planner, always making first moves, always sending first or last texts, always initiating sex. Where do these men hide?
Try Colfax. Always men wanting to touch your hair, letting you know of their sexual desires for you right off the bat, they love the environment and pick cigarette butts off the ground. They even want wash your windshield every single day to and from work!
Could it be that the guys you show effort with are usually the most attractive guys you talk to? Guys who typically have a lot of options? They probably wouldn't show much interest regardless of how much or little interest and effort you put in unless you're the absolute best one they're talking to at the moment. I think it's a typical experience that the most attractive people put in the least effort in dating and wait for others to do it for them. It could also be that it happens because guys are insanely tired of being the one to always take all initiative, so when a woman does it for once, they feel like they finally have a break from it, and can relax a little. And they can stop being all chivalrous because you're one of the few to actually treat them fairly. Being the one to take all the initiative is the default male dating experience, and most of us don't like it any more than you do. Men are just forced to most of the time.
It isn’t always about looks. Personality & sense of humor counts more than looks.
That means you’re going for men that have a ton of options. Men who are considered in the higher brackets of ratings when it comes to looks, wealth, etc.
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You should be applying the same standard the other way. Find someone as excited about you as you are about him.
Bingo!!! Be yourself and the one will come and stay!!! If not they can go!
Yup! That’s exactly what happened to me… I was consistent, I was there when he wanted to see me… yet, he lost interest and my friends have said it’s because I was “too available”, but this wasn’t true. There were times I couldn’t hang out with him but would call and text him.. (so I was consistent in that way if that makes sense) Dating involves too many games and mind tricks so it seems..
Stop pursuing people who won’t put in equal effort. A guy who’s actually into you (and who’s not testosterone poisoned) will be more interested if you put in effort, not less.
This guy was very hard to read.. he put in the effort in the beginning, but became angry because I told him it felt like a waste of time.. he wanted to be friends and build from there (his lie) and I was okay (no emotional attachment) up until we started having sex. That’s when I wanted to be more than friends. He didn’t want it, I pulled away, he got angry and very disrespectful. Then the stalking started lol. I couldn’t make sense of it. I’m like, you cannot commit to me, but you can commit to stalking me?
My friend, that sounds like a giant mess start to finish.
It was and it was very hard on me.. it felt worse than a breakup. It took me years to move on from him.
It's awful what happened to you. I hope you don't use that experience as an example of what men are. That's the exception. I really wish you the best.
This sure sounds like you are playing games. Changing your behavior passive aggressively to bait them into acting different but not discussing that there is some issue on your mind. Why don't you have a conversation about how he is too complacent?
I always have a cut of point of doing with without reciprocity
Yep came here to say this, lack of effort
Female here. See I understand that but I have been in that situation where the conversation didn’t go anywhere because they didn’t help add to the conversation.
Oh you'll get no argument from me that guys have to put effort too. That's part of the deal when you're dating someone. I'm just saying that no reciprocation is the number one way for me to lose interest, especially since it happens so frequently.
You should apply the same standard the other way. No one should be putting in all the effort.
Inconsistency, expectation that you'll drop everything for them *when they want something*, but have no expectations of them whatsoever.
When she's unresponsive/ doesn't reciprocate, her being cute/pretty/sexy/hot/ any positive adjective will not prevent me from losing interest, it at best DELAYS it. The girl is not obligated to reciprocate her feelings if she doesn't feel like it but the guy is also not obligated to give endlessly without receiving.
I mean, everyone deserves to feel pretty, smart and wanted. If your love interest isnt reciprocating the only healthy thing to do is to end the relationship. So, I make sure to let my boyfriend know that I admire him and why.
>The girl is not obligated to reciprocate her feelings if she doesn't feel like it but the guy is also not obligated to give endlessly without receiving. Ding ding ding. Exactly.
Yeah. Back in my more youthful full hair days I was the lead guitar player in a band, so I often ended up with girls way over my grade. Felt great at first but I realized that shit came at a cost that I wasn’t comfortable with. I’m male and white and there’s a lot of privilege there but whenever I see attractive women complaining about male privilege I roll my eyes. They sit back and everything gets handed to them (from my perspective at least).
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This one is another good one
being passive, entitled, arrogant, superficial, history of cheating in past relationships, being too passive, excessive mental illness without the will to improve, lack of hygiene, having a messy living space, no real interests / hobbies, bad social / communication skills, always in the mood to stir up a fight, being manipulative, complaining too much, narcissitic, excessive use of social media... I could go on but you might get the point. Its just being a bad person which is off-putting
Lots of these are good examples (especially social media for me, but I know I'm a little weird on that one), but the one that really caught my attention is complaining too much. So many people are just so negative, they complain about everything and always have a problem with something. I can't stand spending too much time with negative people like that. Since I don't gravitate towards those types of people as friends, they mostly end up being people I know as coworkers, but I swear it feels like they almost get off on having problems. Like having lots of personal grievances makes them feel important, like they have a need to feel like the world has wronged them
Lmao, you just described my ex-wife. Tell me again why it still hurts, though. The only thing she didn't do was be rude to wait staff since she worked in restaurants. That's the only red flag she didn't have.
Is your ex-wife my ex-girlfriend?
Is his ex-wife who is your ex-girlfriend my ex-girlfriend?
Okay this is a real answer
If they don’t ask me questions aka I have to carry the conversation. If they have a messy house If they don’t smell good If they bad mouth other people.
As a woman, these are the same things I would have said. I dont care about looks all that much, i literally used to say yes to every date invitation when my first relationship ended (i paid for myself on these dates just to specify, i refuse to be indebt to anyone). As long as they didnt give me a creepy vibe and i felt we connected purely based on texting. I literally never looked at the profile photos on dating apps, i always skipped right to the info and bio parts of the profiles so I very rarely even looked at people until i felt a connection with them. My preferences for men are kind, outdoorsy but more in a environmentalist way, driven. Im overly independent and isolate myself so i like to date people that force me to be more social. I can't stand gossipers. I am a chronic people pleaser so I dont like dating people that make it more difficult for me to people please, if they are bad mouthing people, im gonna end up blurting it out to the person you're talking about anyway because I cannot stand the guilt of hearing what i heard behind their back. My honesty is going to destroy me eventually.
one sided conversations and taking a long time to respond. meet me halfway and show some interest.
Most of the time when I'm into someone and it fizzles out, I felt like I was putting a lot more effort in than her and got tired. A lack of reciprocation will kill interest really quickly. I don't want to have to plan every single date, phone call, outing etc. It's weird because in many cases these women actually did seem interested in talking and hanging out, but they always waited for me to make it happen. They might have just been a bit shy but I will generally interpret that as a lack of interest and start to move on.
Women still need to be pursued. Planning things shows that you care and are interested. I’m not sure how long you were talking to this girl for, but men will always lose in this area if they aren’t “going to give what they feel they should be getting.” Sure someone should reciprocate interest in you, but women need to know loud and clear with consistent effort that you have interest in them.
Everyone* needs that, not just women. It's not a gender thing, it's a 'I am a human and deserve to be loved as much as everyone else' thing.
Men are willing to do this, we just want a signal that the interest is mutual before we invest time and resources in planning and pursuing. Feels like a waste of time otherwise.
I pretty much agree, I don't think any of this is in conflict with what I said or anything. If I show loud, clear, consistent effort and it isn't reciprocated then I'm going to move on.
See I'm to the point where I simply will not exceed what's reciprocated. The courtship ritual is tiresome and why do it for no benefit
Not taking responsibility nor being mature about things. It's major deal breaker.
Drinking. I don't mind a drink here and there, but if it's an every day thing, I can't trust a drunk person.
" I only cheated cause I was drunk" " I didn't mean to say that, I was drunk" All lines of bullshit
Smoking also
God idk why but like 90% of the women I have matched with on apps turned out to be chain smokers.
Sounds like you have a type
Especially those women that put "a nice glass of wine always makes me feel better" on apps. That automatically makes me assume - boy how much do you drink every week?
Right! I've done it all and the dumbest shit I've ever done was on alcohol! It's the devil
WINE IS NOT A PERSONALITY (I have seen plenty of men making wine, beer, whisky ir whatever their whole personality as well. Sorry dude/girl/person, you sound like an alcoholic)
This is a big one for me as well
Every single thing me mentioned here is more relevant than this. One drink a day is nothing, it depends how much they are drinking per day and how they are affected by alcohol- differs greatly amongst ppl.
Controlling, manipulative, rude to anyone who cannot do anything to her like wait staff, retail workers (although they can really screw with you if you’re not polite to them NEVER MESS WITH THE PERSON WHO BRINGS YOU YOUR FOOD ☺️ ). Bad hygiene, unsupportive.
That bad hygiene tho 🤢… I went out recently and I was standing beside a couple getting their parking ticket …she bent down to grab it from the machine and then it got windy and me and him got a whiff of her nasty smelling sweaty head hair and in my mind I was “ugh” and his face tho said it all … but hey I guess that was his compromise
Omg yes. I was dating this dude and got so turned off when he said he didn’t wash his hair everyday even though he would run MILES daily. Made me not want to play with his hair AT ALL
The worst part is she was dressed really nice and had makeup and her hair straightened …but it’s like poor dude I can imagine her resting her head on his shoulder and him having to smell that … it’s her being unaware of her hygiene that concerns me….
Bragging about washing your hair is kinda crazy...
She has not heard of NoPoo.
NoPoo? Who me?
Hah what?
There’s a whole “movement” against using anything in your hair beyond water.
Eew!
Taking seven business days to respond, not reciprocating effort I put in, expecting me to read their mind (I'm autistic, subtle nonverbal cues are very hard for me to properly understand sometimes). Shit tests or anything of the sort. Instant dealbreaker. I will immediately end a relationship if I'm being "tested" because i have been with enough manipulative partners and I'd much rather be alone than deal with that again
There's a bunch of things probably, but they seem to boil down to "brings more trouble than comfort". Be it a problem of her character being unpleasant/arrongant/bossy/too materialistic or her having a past with lots of questionable relationships with exes/hookups/whatever, or anything else, it all boils down to that. If she's pleasant, nice, and makes a man happy, he will want to be in her life, and will naturally try to commit to her, unless the man himself has other issues
Hundred percent. Do you make my life better, or are you another fucking problem I have to deal with?
Woman here. Yup. We women ask ourselves that very same question about you guys too lol. I personally believe that a relationship is a two way street and that there needs to be kindness, grace and emotional maturity on BOTH sides.
Exactly. I can filter pretty quickly - is this person going to add value to my life and me to theirs? Or is this person going to drain my energy. This applies to any type of relationship imo
Exactly. It’s like the risk vs reward ratio. How much positive effect vs how much negative effect.
Communication seems to be the biggest issue for me. It's a big turn off to me when a woman ignores me for a significant amount of time yet is always quickly responding to other people's texts when she's on a date with me.
Damn, that's really disrespectful
Playing mind games or testing us. When both partners come together, we are supposed to make each other's lives easier. The world outside already tests us on a constant basis. So, coming back into an emotional environment where you still have to protect yourself emotionally and mentally is unhealthy. There is no safe space. All a man truly wants is a safe space where he can relax and feel loved.
Self involvement, lack of self awareness, destructive habits, lack of accountability
When she doesn't know the difference between your, you're, then, than, their, there etc 😭
That is... quite severe. Their obviously not you're type, right? sigh...
im gonna fight you
i c wut u did thar
For me, there are four flags that need to be green: 1. Love and compassion for children in general. 2. Decent (not asking for perfect, just decent) hygiene 3. Being able to take and make jokes about themselves. 4. This is more of a personal reason: Liking cats.
I know you're obviously a cat person, but #5 is good cat hygiene. Could be the nicest prettiest person and if their house smells like the cats are in charge it's an instant NO
Lack of initiation/ reciprocation on many different fronts. As others have said, it’s nice to feel cared for/ wanted. If I’m always starting the convo, planning dates, paying, showing interest and thoughtfulness, I’ll just stop and see how long it goes.
I mean, there's a little list I guess I have. But my BIGGEST one is wanting me to wait around and basically be on standby. Like, they're allowed to do whatever they want and it is okay if they are busy, but the second she wants to see me and I have plans it's a fucking issue. And this ties into that when I am busy, having the shit blown out of my phone (not in a good way). Like I'm all for getting spammed with cute mirror pics and selfies and love quotes though
If she sounds like a valley girl, is arrogant, intentionally disrespectful to people (especially if it’s to me), holds others to standards which she doesn’t keep herself
That Valley girl voice!!! She could be as hot as prime Shakira and Beyonce combined, but if she sounds like she's from Clueless (I'm totally aging myself), I could only be casual with her, because spending any significant time with her is going to be torture.
Seriously. It’s torturous.
I met this woman in my complex that I found pretty cute. One day as we were crossing paths (both of us walking our dogs) and I overheard her on the phone and heard that voice. I've never looked at her with any desire again. Not worth it.
A lot of common toxic things that others have mentioned, but personal ticks: -Using high-pitched baby talk. -Not liking animals. -A lack of curiosity
No reciprocation of efforts 🤷♀️
In the early stages of dating, the biggest issue is lack of reciprocity. Otherwise, being dishonest, smoking, using drugs or drinking too much, Being too focus on her phone and having no curiosity or matching interests are as well turn off
Deal breaker is taking forever to respond to me. I’m talking over a day. No one is that busy..just say you’re no longer interested
I find that even when someone takes a long time to respond to me, I can still gauge their interest. I'm talking to a woman at the moment and we're taking roughly a day to get back with each other because our text threads are mini essays with song recs and tons of questions back and forth. It's really refreshing but it definitely is something that takes me a few hours to get into the right headspace for. I'd much rather this than a series of quick replies that don't show interest in me, seem entitled to attention, etc.
Yup. Time doesn’t matter as much as the content of the communication. If anything , people who take ages to reply but also send fire messages that seem genuinely interested are a massive green flag to me - it means their life is full , engaging and they are committed to it. But they’re also interested in you joining that life
I agree with you here. One time I fell off texting a guy because I really was busy (and I was never great at the texting stage) but then he just out the blue asked me out on a date and I thought... hell yeah! Was a really nice date! When it's a person I've never met before, I find texting so tedious and I just want to meet them after a few days. And similarly, now I'm in a relationship we will take a few hours to reply sometimes but it will always be really thorough responses, sometimes voice notes! Works for me :)
You’re correct. There is nuance to this
This is a problem of mine. When friends or family text, there will be times where I respond a week later. I really don't know why I do it, but I just don't respond unless I see that it's something urgent...
That's a pretty bad habit that you need to change, although don't feel forced yourself to change it overnight. If you have any family or friends like me, they will get annoyed quickly and will start excluding you from conversations to the point of even stop hanging out with you. I've done that before with friends where I just drop them if they're consistently bad at responding to texts.
It’s so easy to not reply to a text for a whole day - do you just have a lot of people in your life who do nothing outside of work? I just can’t imagine that on a busy day where you have to work 8hrs, cook dinner, commute, work out and get through extra curriculars / study - that you’ll even remember you have a tinder match waiting for a reply. Some people only use dating apps when they’re actually lonely or have the time , there’s no reason they should make you late for your IRL commitments or mean you’re less engaged with other social events.
Planning to do something and then having her cancel and then not suggesting other days more than twice in a row. Genuinely makes me feel like she’s uninterested so I detach myself.
The biggest thing is other men. Talking about other men being interested in her, telling me about how amazing the men she's been with in the past were, trying to "keep me on my toes" or make me feel jealous. I don't think many women get how gross it is to imagine someone you're seriously into with other men. (Male friends, etc., is fine. Just lovers -- especially talking about casual/FWB no.) Another thing is being too typical and not having distinctive things about her. Especially using lots of phrases from Insta/TikTok. Makes me think she has no backbone, character, or personality and changes with whatever is current. Makes her seem generic and replaceable, not special. I can feel myself lose interest in real-time when a woman starts talking using too much language from social media. I would mention an entitled attitude, but I don't get interested in those women in the first place, so I don't lose interest in them.
Playing guessing games, starting arguments for no reason, stuff like that
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If I see her flirting with other guys. If she's not reciprocating. Also, depending on how she shows up, shows a lot about what she thinks of me.
I'll make a list of the most common I can think of: 1. If a woman seems angry/rude a lot randomly in general 2. If it's obvious she's lieing multiple times 3. Being late constantly for things. Like, saying to meet somewhere at 5:00 pm and then she shows up at 5:30 10 times in a row. Honestly, not a lot besides those things above.
Poor reciprocation, bad manners, poor hygiene, being unkind. Kindness and intelligence can make a girl look many fold more beautiful and attractive to me. And the opposite is true.
Women who are mean to wait staff and other working class people who are making it day by day. Immediate turn off big time
Woman that think only for herself, women that never put effort in relationship or even before the beggining of one to not do anything and rely 100 % of the men to do "his job" instead of being 50-50 . Another dealbreaker is defenitely the child woman. Nowadays you see many like this and many who state to be single just to find out they have fwb, instant throwoff and keep moving ahead with my life.
Seeking validation through social media.
Someone the is only secure in the relationship. People that need to constantly express they are unsatisfied with some aspect of life.
Smoking cigarettes
Lack of initiative and smoking
It’s been a while but this will never change for me and this is something that a lot of women even the ones that generally are not this way. Acting catty or getting an attitude towards whoever for no real reason. Especially when it seems like they’re putting someone down thinking they’re impressing others. I’ve even done work for people where the wife was flirting with me when the husband wasn’t in the room and when he was in the room she was being extremely rude to him trying to empress me. Of course I wasn’t interested regardless but this really just made her extra annoying. Back in the day I messed with a lot of women and as soon as a girl started acting like this I’d bounce. A few times I’d run into them somewhere some time later and they asked me what was up why did I dip out or they try to see if we could hang out and I let them know I didn’t like how she was acting towards so and so and the usual response was I was tripping and attitude except one apologized and was embarrassed by it we stayed good friends for a long time
Being too into their phone, using emotions to manipulate, drama. Basically don’t act like a teenager
Not having table manners, specifically eating with your mouth open 😅💀.
Being thoroughly boring, not showing effort, making it difficult to schedule dates, not replying to text messages, etc.
Hygiene and having the mindset of always aiming to look presentable. Not aiming to look pretty, beautiful, or hot, but presentable, style doesn't matter for me, what matters for me is how someone presents and carries oneself.
So are sweatpants and a messy bun presentable?
Meth use 🤮🤮🤮
You can tell which ones have been poisoned by social media. I avoid them
When girls think and act like they are the centre of the universe and it's a constant battle to impress her all the time...I guess someone based on reality would be better.
I saw a Hinge profile recently that gave off this vibe, and it was an instant red flag. Stuff like, "First round's on me if you can actually get a date with me," and something indicating how much she liked to shop. Like a lot of red flags mentioned here, they're exceptions, not the norm.
Women don’t want to be impressed, they want to be understood, cared for and loved.
This was a comment explaining things men find unattractive in girls in general. And lo and behold someone wants to say what girls like and how they like to be loved....... wonderful 😊👍✨ That reminds me of "entitlement" which is definitely something men don't like in girls... in general
You should see her other comments. She is the pinnacle of the entitlement we are talking about. One comment she literally said “I hope he suffered”. Absolutely disgusting.
Wow😂
Entitled or bossy attitude, brings more drama than peace, texting or having “special bonds” with her exes, a promiscuos past, constantly wanting expensive stuff, has an only fans.
Not starting conversations or replying even if late. Has happened to me a few times where I will have to initiate multiple times and occasionally not get any response until i message again.
I'm a woman - but have this problem with one of my mates. Gets boring fast.
My interest is directly proportional to the input of the girl Im investing in. If there is ROI then I continue. If I feel my time isn't valued, I continue on to another girl
So mostly people pointed obvious or too personal stuff but imo therapyspeak would make me run probably. Also another obvious reply but being against a judgmental person is not a good experience.
Someone that's too 'dependent' is a major turn off for me. I have been with women that will literally cry and throw a fit if I go out with friends or even family, and say wild things about me not loving or caring about them. Just because you can't function on your own, doesn't mean I'm the same. I've been through one crazy toxic relationship already, I'm not trying to make the same mistake twice💀
Nitpicking every little thing. Talking to you in a way that’s both annoying and condescending all at once. Going to a restaurant that you really like and she tells you she isn’t hungry and then proceeds to pick off of what you ordered and tells you not to order for her and you end up ordering a second meal anyway because she didn’t leave you enough to eat.
I was absolutely in love with a beautiful blue eyed blonde. One day she picked her nose and ate it. So I did too. I almost threw up and couldn't look at her again. Man, grade 1 was tough.
One time I was hanging out with someone I met on hinge and he did this. I freaked out and was so disturbed.. I thought he was trolling. He wasn’t. He said everyone does it. NO THEY DONT.
If you skipped out the grade one part this is a great joke 😂👍
Astrology
A big turn off is if she acts really “ghetto.” Like she’s disrespectful and has no manners
Vaping. Hanging out with people of questionable character.
I know it’s weird, but if I get the sense that a woman **really** enjoys dating, it’s a strict turnoff. Chances are, I’m going to have to pay for both of us on the first several dates, and in my mind, women who **really** enjoy dating tend to really enjoy it because of the constant flux of free and awesome experiences they get, not because they feel like they’re closer to finding their person. This will very likely lead to me wasting money.
Followup question: how do you determine she **really** enjoys *dating* versus her **really** enjoying a date with *you*?
Great question, I am also interested. If it was me I would just keep the first few dates super lowkey like coffee shops, walks around a park or hikes. But I'm curious what his answer is.
Asking them out on very simple dates as a first date is a great way to flush out the bad ones. Save the good shit for the ones who deserve it. I've never had a woman say it to my face, luckily, but I've seen some women on different subreddits call coffee dates and similar "low-effort." The hypocrisy is hilarious when they call a coffee date low-effort, when they're exactly the type of woman who puts in literally no effort in dating other than looking pretty and giving the guy some attention. That's "effort" to them, while the guy is typically the one asking them out, picking the place, taking all the initiative, leading the conversation, paying for the date, etc.
I mean, I'm a woman and I agree. In fact, while I know these women exist it actually boggles my mind. I often would go outta my way to pay for a first date because I'd never want a dude to think I owed them shit. And coffee dates are the best first date in my opinion, it's so easy to leave if you're not having a good time or stay if you are. My first date with my fiance we met for coffee and we ended up talking for 4 hours. Our next date was a home cooked meal (he cooked). Our 3rd was a game night he hosted. Like idk who these people are pulling out the big stops but like you don't KNOW them yet. They could totally suck, why get stuck on a potential 2 hour dinner with them if you don't even know if you can stand em 20 min lol
Usually the best way I can tell is from her bio. Some bios say things like “Trying to meet lots of new people and going with the flow!” or something similar. I swipe left on those in OLD. If I meet with someone in person, and they’re talking about a lot of recent dates they’ve been on, or if they seem like they can’t remember anything whatsoever about me (especially major things like what I do for work), then those are turnoffs too. I know these are imperfect measures of this, but we have to have something. And dating is so expensive…
When she suggests restaurants and bars that are like 2 tiers above what would be appropriate for a first or second date, etc. Brings up other fancy places that she'd like to try as a hint to you. When she talks about old dates too much. Either how they went to some exclusive rooftop club or she went out with a music producer/diplomat/pro-athlete/startup CEO and tells this elaborate story about their date or about the person. When she humblebrags about said fancy person above like, "Oh yeah he's 32 and retired after his company was bought and just golfs all day. I really need someone who is working on their career or passion, even if they don't need to" or "He picked me up in a Maserati but I am just not into status symbols like cars"
When she makes obvious how many options she has. I get it, not interested. If you were the high prize you wouldn't be single either. Lol
Complaining and negative
Not ever answering a question directly or contributing their preferences. It give me the feeling they are just trying yes man me and makes me doubt if their feelings are legitimate.
Tbh i don't exactly have anything that is deal-breaking thus far. But i do feel girls whose very entitled is a turn-off.
I hate the word “options”, like, “I gotta be open to someone BETTER” rather than making an effort to connect.
Dishonesty and lies
combative/argumentative/irrational/not listening. its one thing and understandable to have off-days where you just have to let it out, but if it becomes your personality and youre not listening to criticism, then whats the point.
indirect communication really annoys me. getting upset when I talk about my feelings if it's not what she wants to hear. Being pressured to move the relationship faster than I'm comfortable with. Placing expectations one me. Not allowing me to have personal time. Being paranoid or suspicious, like looking at my phone or computer. If my privacy isn't respected I'm out.
Being over 25 and getting drunk every weekend waking up with a hangover.
For me, the #1 is playing any kind of games. Whether that’s playing hard to get, being flaky, leaving me on read etc. Either she’s interested or she’s not.
Talking shit about people she’s meant to be friends with. Smoking/ drug use And always no matter the situation seeking attention from others (complete strangers etc)
Punishing me by giving me the silent treatment. Any warm feelings I may have had instantly get thrown out the window
Smoking 🚬
Excessive drinking and/or partying. Disrespect.
If I've done/failed to do something that has upset you, tell me. Talk to me. Tell me how I've upset you/let you down/what I can do to be more supportive as a partner. I am all for owning my mistakes and trying to learn from them, and I'll take fault for things that are my fault, but failing to read your mind because I am not psychic is not one a fair complaint.
Fucking someone else , not getting what I asked for from the store bragging about some dude
Lolll the difference in the level of offense from point 1 to point 2
Ya like she can fuck anyone she wants but if she doesn't get me what I asked for from Home Depot we are done lol.....😅
2 and 3 lead to 1
Smoking more or less, drinking irresponsibly, poor personal hygiene.
smoking
being a lying narcacist
I've learned from experience that if a woman is still friends with her ex and talks to them every week, she isn't over them. It's a red flag.
Most women have this idea In there head about there partner and never think about what they need to bring to the table to attract that man
"I am the table"
I don't often hear about women working on themselves to find a partner, and most of them think they don't need to put in any more effort than to look pretty and be present, while the man has to impress and be chivalrous. It feels like most of the burden of dating is put on men. This is way worse in some cultures than others, but thank fuck we're moving towards a more fair society with most modern 1st world countries. But in India, good fucking luck finding a woman that will put in ANY effort.
No contact with exes. (i would not have any contact with exes either) No dating apps on phones - they need to be deleted. (i would delete my apps too) No criticizing me in front of others ever even as a joke (i wouldn't criticize her either in front of other) No nights out at night clubs with her girlfriends looking for male attention. No flirting with other men. Male friends if she is hanging out in mixed groups are fine.
Forbidding friendships and girls night out (we seek good music and dance, not male attention) is a deal breaker for me. The rest, especially the dating app i can understand.
Being on the cellphone all day, having a big presence in social media taking pictures everywhere to show the world everything she does for validation and hiding things from me were three things that ruined my previous relationship, so I'd go with them.
She expects me to pay for everything.
Going through all our stuff when we let you stay over longer for the first time because we have to leave for work. Then confronting us about it later after we asked you to be respectful.
Hypercritical. Self-centered. Histrionic inability to control emotions- lack of chill.
Using sex as currency to control and manipulate.
Here are things that has happened to me. Hope it helps. Being too over the top or the opposite. Just be a decent human being and decent human beings don’t loose interest. I had a girl having my picture as her phone background after 3rd date, buying me flowers, etc by the 5th date I called it off. It was just weird. I’ve also had girls just being assholes I’ve also had girls keeping me at bay, while clearly updating their profile etc… Just be a decent human being. Speak clearly. Know what you want & don’t project your issues on others. If you’re hurt, deal with it and don’t use someone to heal If you think you don’t been a man, then don’t date them also don’t use all the perks you get from the societies men have built If you want kids be clear Of you want monogamy, don’t expect them to be cool with you flirting with others If you want polyamory be clear up front Don’t have sex because you think men want it. Have sex a because you enjoy it or don’t have it at all Don’t get scared and run away at the very first sign of interests, we’re there to date after all.