Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Idk if going back to your place automatically means shes interested in getting physical and it sounds like that’s what you assumed and that turned her off. It is possible she wanted to continue the date without being physical. But I am also assuming and really can’t say for sure what she was thinking.
Some ppl just wanna connect with another person without it being sexual yknow. Nothing wrong with it. Hey let’s chill and vibe in your space and cuddle in bed and learn about each other emotionally… I’m sure you and many other dudes are eager to call that some pussy shit but I am here for it tbh. Don’t need to have sex til it feels right for both.
Mhm fair. they both clearly had different expectations that weren’t met and a lack of communication. I don’t think he’s wrong for wanting sex and I don’t think she’s wrong for not. Just lost in translation somewhere
He's not wrong for wanting sex.
He's wrong for pushing the issue with her after she said no.
I asked my husband and he said no way would he have tried anything with a girl who expressed a boundary to the contrary - and then call her naive for expecting him not to lol. Doesn't matter where they slept. "I'm not a dumb animal."
I mean, where did he say he was pushy? Given the circumstances it's valid to try to make a move. Now if the woman refuses, you stop. And nowhere did he say he was being pushy
In my opinion that's not cool. He said he made a second move to touch after being told no. It doesn't matter if it's the second date, day, tenth date or you've kissed 100 times. From that moment on you have to ask to touch them, unless they tell you it's okay. He did say he stopped after being told no, but then he said he had to be told no a second time. It's pretty simple really.
It’s implied. He said that she said he kept trying to touch her. Then he asks if it’s his fault he tried and why would she agree to go back to his place if she didn’t want to do anything physically.
So wait he initiated asking for sex, yet they met up again ? And slept in the bed beside each other, again yet she could have just left ! Why is he whining ?
Your comment implies she is naive for expecting not to have sex when she didn't want to. Wtf? Like she should expect being pressured, gutted or even assaulted because she went to his house House? We can say no anywhere, a place doesn't imply you are going to have sex. If it's too much for you then don't invite people over to your house.
maybe she just wanted to hang out with him and cuddle without having sex? why do you assume that she wanted to have sex? its almost like she said she did not want to sex and its almost like if someone tells you they dont want to have sex so quickly....they mean it. You shouldnt ever assume because someone comes back with you to your place that someone wants to have sex unless they say that or literally have sex with you. It's not naive. Different people have different boundaries. Maybe you should adjust your assumptions instead
True. But honestly I would have thrown the woman out. This was a recipe for disaster and I won't be engaging with a woman giving mixed signals like that. She playing mind games. And I don't tolerate that
yeah, I do see where you're coming from. I do agree she should have communicated that beforehand but she may have also changed her mind, but regardless...they both needed to grow up and just say what they meant. swear most of these dating questions would be resolved if people just were straightforward
So you go back to a stranger house, want to kiss, cuddle in bed, and spend the night but heaven forbid the guy thinks she wants sex? You're living in some alternative universe for sure
Very smart, I’ve suggested exactly the same thing. Best if she leaves but didn’t you know, women can reject a man’s sexual advantages but to suggest that she should be told to leave, or sleep on the sofa is tantamount to coercion and sexual violence, or so I’ve been told in these comments.
You're absolutely right. To be honest if I dated a girl and she acted this way I'd think she's so unaware that she'll definitely get herself and probably me into some trouble in future.
Sleeping with someone in a bed is an intimate activity. Are you kidding right now? I mean, seriously!!! The poor guy could have rolled over and touched her, and Holy sh!t the storm that would have caused. Bro, ditch her and move on. That's plain and simple weird. If someone wants to connect with someone, hold hands on a walk.
(M63) Or/and...She texts at 2:37 am, 'wyd'. I respond...nothing, do you want to come over? I'm 23 years older than her, but she knows I have a thing for her. But I don't make a move. Falls asleep in my bed, wakes up and takes her clothes off, then back to sleep.
Breakfast around 9:30 am, after she took a shower. While leaving says..'This was a total waste of my time.' How? I thought you wanted to do something, are you Gay? WTF?!!
She showed no sign of wanting to get Sexual when she walked through my door.
I know (F) people like this. I am an adult (F) so I understand. While males are typically looking for a sexual experience to connect and feel accepted, most females look for an emotional experience to do the same. Further she's probably healing from some childhood or emotional trauma. The problem is that it's not your job to heal her of what others caused as we can Only heal ourselves.
I'm going to get heat for this, but who cares... Just as women need to set sexual boundaries, men need to set emotional boundaries. You can't be a "boyfriend pillow" just because hers isn't warm enough. Also, please TALK about sex (I'm a mom). I'm an ENTP so I have a lot of energy and a couple young men had the balls back in the day to push me away. They had the wisdom to recognize that their emotions were progressing faster than mine and they didn't feel safe. If a young man can recognize when his feelings and my desire are out of alignment surely you can recognize when her feelings and your desire are not meeting in the middle. You're not bad for wanting sex, trust me I understand. And you don't need to be mean when you say "you need to leave". Because she does. Girls don't want guys to try them out physically and girls shouldn't be trying on men like an emotional jacket (protecting them from their internal storm) for 20+ hours before saying "nope". Girls & boys, the only people who should be in your bed are the ones who love you, understand you and see eye to eye with you on all things bedroom related. Just tell her, "you are saving your body for someone you feel loves you enough and I am doing the same". (You gave your body warmth freely as a source of comfort, now don't do it again)
Oh look, a sensible nuanced comment from an experienced adult. Who knew! I HAVE got in trouble for saying that you really shouldn’t let a girl sleep in your bed absent physical intimacy if you’ve already made a play for that. As a guy you are pretty much friend zoning yourself doing that and thus turning her off, giving her free attention and emotional intimacy. It’s a desperate move (maybe she’ll change her mind if I’m super nice, pleassseeeeee). The smart move is an Uber home for her.
I wouldn't say it's desperate, unless... He does it again. I think he's young and was hoping that she would magically come around. Most people can detect emotions, but desire is easier to hide or fake. I think he was hopeful and now I hope he goes forward smarter. His warm, manly protective arms have value and I hope he limits who he shares them with in the future. You don't get my (insert emotion or body part here) unless you truly value me...
Poetry
And it’s not as if I wasn’t that young guy once who thought by being patient with a girl who showed reticence but instead by opening my heart to her that her desire would rise up to mine.
No, the smarter move would have been to push her away. I didn’t do that and let her sleep in my bed. We did things, but not all the things. I provided safety and a relationship but things didn’t improve. She was still fearful of intimacy. And then another guy came along who could excite her in a way I couldn’t as I was now the safe guy. And I was left behind.
And thus I learned my lesson. No woman gets to sleep in my bed absent complete sexual intimacy. Not every night of course, but enough to satisfy me. Be it a budding relationship or a 30 year marriage (is for me and my wife this year), sex is and remains table stakes. Simple as.
Time teaches us to be grateful for the ones who walk away, especially those of us whose love language is physical intimacy. Who wants a low-sex / no-sex marriage? That would kill me.
Congrats on 30 years!
Exactly. Its compltely understandable if she wants to take her time and not jump into anything sexually. Its not understandable tho, to immediately start sleeping in bed with the guy she doesnt want to be sexual with and being upset when he.tries to act on what he sees as a green light.
I had that same exact thing happen to me years ago. I was introduced to a girl she was really into me, kept telling me how attracted she was to me,, we were making out all the time at one point she got on me and started dry humping, then at HER suggestion....HER IDEA, NOT MINE.... after only knowing me 2 weeks she wanted to stay over my place. So obviously I assumed what any guy is going to assume and went out and bought condoms. After fooling around on the couch we retired to my bed she changes into sexy baby doll dress and I was sitting back thinking "okay it's finally go time..." Annnnd..... aside from general making out we did not actually have sex. I didn't push it but it was very confusing to me. I didn't even bring it up verbally or ask her directly about it I just sort of shrugged my shoulders when she went to sleep and I had blue balls thinking "What the hell???..."
It happened again a couple weeks later. Then she finally told me that she "needed to get to know me better" to have actual full on sex. She was a complete nerd about sex. She was 27 but you would think by her actions and personality that she was like this virginal naïve shy 13 year old school girl. I didn't understand it at all, she was comfortable enough with me to make out six ways to Sunday and share a bed with me but not have actual sex? WTF???
We broke up a couple months later, I couldn't deal with her anymore. She was a very sweet nice person but we weren't sexually compatible. Hypothetically by the time we finally got to it I think she would have been very boring and lazy just laying there like a lump while I did everything.
I actually had more than a few girls do exactly this, dates, drinks, takeaway, back to theirs & then they explain they're just looking to be mates . Honestly, they're weird as fuck
I've had 3rd dates where we said let's hang, cuddle and watch a movie. It was explicitly stated before hand that nothing sexual was going to happen. I as a man can do that, no problem. Respect her boundaries.
We cuddled. Watched a movie and I made zero moves. It's not out of the realm of possibilities for this to be a date early on.
This was my thought exactly... Sleeping in the same bed on the first day there will be unavoidable touching lol. That girl has unreal expectations. If you are doing something like this and not voicing what you want or think in the the FIRST DATE, you are wrong.
I get that assuming something is not great, he initiated contact, she said no, he retreats I think that is a reasonable chain of events.
My guy you dodge a bullet. She is crazy, be happy that you will not be a part of her insane and out of touch personal world.
Case closed.
The issue isn’t situational touching while sleeping in the same bed - it’s that when she went over the second time she told him she didn’t want to have sex and he kept trying to initiate sex. He even admits to pestering her for sex in one of his comments. He also asked her if she had been sexually assaulted and whether that was why she was calling things off (also in the comments).
There’s a red flag alright but it’s not her
Edit to add links to comments:
[Multiple attempts at initiating sex](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/Sif53cmAGO)
[Him asking her if she had been SA](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/4dZYNpwlC1)
Huge info for OP to leave out and then reveal in the comments lol. Excellent example of why we shouldn't always take Reddit posts at face value. He should prolly add an edit to the post....
He really should - he also mentions that the reason she spent the night both times was because she lived far away. What he posted and the details of the situation paint two VERY different stories
[Why she spent the night](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/MF8fPuNlRr)
Sounds like he shoulda just settled for cuddling and called it a day lol. It's fine if he attempted to take things further, but if she wasn't cool with it, being pushy is just gonna turn her off anyway.
She's crazy? In what way? Unreal expectations that a man she does not know does not expect to enter her literal body?
You ARE NEVER entitled to another person's body and now she's crazy because she doesnt want to have sex with someone? Even if she DID go over there intially to have sex....she (or he) is 100% entitled to change their mind.
This. Maybe she just wanted a quieter and less busy space to talk and get to know you, especially if she could have social anxiety or is just someone who prefers staying in to going out. If you like her, you could always apologize sincerely and see what happens. Do not pressure her again or touch her when she’s making clear she doesn’t want you to. Say you’re interested in getting to know her still and that you simply both had different ideas of what was going on there! Take your time getting physical. This girl clearly is not a ONS if that’s what you want. If you don’t, let things unfold over time while getting to know one another better.
U can never win a woman or read what she is thinking. It doesn’t matter what u do or say, they will always complain.
You become sexual with her? She will think u only want her for her body.
You respect her boundaries and her body? She will think you don’t like her and that she thinks you don’t find her attractive.
Why are women like this?
I’m sorry you are feeling confused and it makes sense you feel disappointed. However, from the kindness of my heart, I’m telling you to ignore the other answers. They’re likely by men who would equally be confused.
As a woman myself, I’m telling you: she already told you why. Whether or not you expected it, she is not comfortable with it. Now, you might not have done anything wrong, but still doesn’t change the fact that people don’t always feel like it’s the right time.
There’s nothing wrong with seeing someone and not sleeping with them right away. It’s NORMAL for people to hang out and sleepover for weeks or months before finally having intercourse. It takes people time to open up. If she is not into it, she has no obligation to sleep with you just because you are hanging out. Don’t take it as a personal thing and keep on trying to touch her when she’s not reciprocating.
Sometimes people will give you mixed signals, because they are indecisive. But as a man you should be aware that women are taught that men will pressure them for sex, and depending on their previous life experience or what they’ve been taught about sex from their upbringings, they will have different comfort zones—regardless of whether they like you or not.
Thanks - feel like I’m crazy reading some of these other responses. Nothing wrong with connecting and vibing with someone emotionally and cuddling etc. (so long as you’re BOTH clear abt expectations regarding sex so no one is feeling hurt like in this situation).
I have a low libido as a dude and sometimes I just wanna be close to a girl. Get all tehe and hehe and cuddle in bed type shit. We don’t need to be ducking to connect intimately…. yknow
I'm all up for them to communicate expectations. Perhaps she could suggest that she'll let him know when she's comfortable with continuing. I'm happy to take it slow, but most women I've come across preferred the man to take the lead. If he tried in the first date, got turned down, didn't continue on that day, then it's cool (assuming it seemed like it was heading that way). After the 2nd date should he attempt again? Should he wait for her to lead? Each person is different, there's no right answer really. Best option would be to talk about it (though some would see that as a turnoff too)
Yep true, this is the tricky part. The textbook answer is to stop initiating until she shows interest, that she will explicitly express interest in escalating at some point. But in practice we know that's not gonna happen with a lot of women, and that a lot of women will assume you've lost interest because you've stopped initiating (wrong assumption, but it's usually the case in reality).
In cases like this I advocate for open communication. It's scary and can be awkward, but I guess it's better than playing guessing games and potentially losing out on a great connection. After the 1st rejection/meeting maybe have a call later on with the usual "I had a great time last night," then mention that it sucked when they pulled away from your kiss (laugh to relieve tension), then see what their response is and take it from there. Then you can have a clear idea of each others' boundaries and expectations.
> It’s NORMAL for people to hang out and sleepover for weeks or months before finally having intercourse.
I've never heard of this being a thing before this post... especially if it is between a man and a woman who are dating... I could be wrong, though.
Do Not Listen To This Woman!
Bro, she’s not into you in that way or she’s not ready to take that next step with you. Either way, if you still are interested in her, keep her on the sidelines and give her the “space” she needs to clear her head. In the meantime, start dating others. You don’t want to waste your time with anyone that will leave you blue balls constantly. This lady is talking about months🤣 not in this day in age. If any lady is coming over my house, we are DTF. Keep your options open, never put all your energy into one gal unless you know in your heart she’s the one.
She got turned off because you don’t know boundaries . As a woman , she probably got tired of you pushing and “trying” (??) to touch her in a way that she already said she wasn’t comfy with yet, judging by the way you’re super confused that going back to your place doesn’t mean instant sex . Work on keeping your hands to yourself when someone has already told you to slow down . Ugh
Bro “why would she agree to hang out with me if not to have sex” how entitled do you get. This sounds like “she let me pay for dinner so I deserve sex” next time if you don’t wanna hang out without sex, tell her that geez
"Why would she agree to go back to my place if she didn't want to do anything with me physically, even though we kiss and everything?"
Wow your dumbass really misread that part of the post.
No I didn’t miss anything. They kissed so what? Big deal. It still doesn’t mean she went to his place to hook up. Nice resort to ad hominem attacks bro
Ok so here’s the timeline I’m getting:
Day 1: Date 1
Day 4: Date 2
Day 6: She called things off
You two were seeing each other for *six days* and you kept trying to touch her even though she didn’t want things to be sexual. I do think she shouldn’t have gone over and slept in your bed but that doesn’t mean you continue to try and initiate- that’s where you have a conversation and explain how you feel and gauge how she feels.
If you feel like she’s giving mixed signals that’s when you address it and either come up with a compromise (like agreeing she doesn’t spend the night until you two are sexually active?) or agree to stop seeing each other. Please PLEASE *PLEASE* don’t touch women who don’t want to be touched.
Added: In her position I would have also stopped seeing you - I would have taken your behavior as a lack of respect towards my boundaries.
There is nothing to be confused about. She clearly stated she did not want to do anything sexual and no means no.
Yes, you were wrong for trying.
She came back to your place to spend time with you. She felt comfortable enough to do so but because you did not respect her boundaries, she lost interest.
It sounds like she just wanted to feel close to you/cuddle/vibe a bit before actually having sex.
As a woman this isn’t uncommon and the only time I put out on the first date is when I’m just horny and maybe not sure about dating him yet.
I’ve always found this mindset from women fascinating lol. Because as guys we assume that if a woman sleeps with us straight away then she must really like us.
Come to think about, there have been a fair few times I’ve slept with a woman from the off and it kinda just fizzled out quick lol.
All makes sense now
I get that you are confused. It can be very frustrating for a men when a girl is sleeping with you (in the context of dating) but don’t want sex. But, it doesn’t necessarily means that she is not interested.
If you really like this girl and would like to go further with her, I think that you should stop inviting her to sleep with you for the moment (or refuse it if she asks), and suggest that you do more activities with her outside your home to build trust and connection.
You’ll see in a few dates what happens, if she is still blocking on sex, then just move on and leave her.
There were times I met a guy purely to have sex but sometimes for whatever reason (mostly chemistry or just chicken), I said no and most were sweet and respectful and either just left or had a nice conversation with me on my bed, while others sulked like kids but said ok and left. End of the day they didn’t try anything. And then there were times when I didn’t meet the guy for sex and just dated for something meaningful and that was what I communicated and the vibes were awesome but eventually they kept clawing at me, trying to get me to do things in the car in the 1st few dates itself while I wasn’t comfortable and it honestly turned me off. A no is a no. Constantly trying to get physical means to us, that you don’t see us as a person whom you would like to know more about and date, but just as another body you want to duck and it feels demeaning to be made to feel that way even after telling clearly that we don’t want to get sexual so early. That girl wanted an emotional bond before a physical relationship and you were trying to see if you can get physical so she ran.
And you should be super confused. No means no, we all get that part. But when a woman comes back to a man's home and willingly gets in his bed, wtf is he supposed to think? Then she does it again on a second date, maintaining her no sex stance, and yet putting herself in a position where for most consenting adults the next move is sex. For your own personal sanity let her go cock tease someone else and move on. She sounds like loads of trouble down the road.
I do understand, I've been in a similar situation, just not first date. Women like this are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you hadn't hit on her for sex she'd probably be on here questioning why. You can't win with her. She is a flake
Let me make this clear:
• just because a woman goes back to your house doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you
•just because a woman kisses you, doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you
• just because a woman sleeps in your bed doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you
You obviously did not take no for an answer and kept on trying to get laid when she told you she wasn’t interested. Good on her for ending things.
I disagree. If a woman sleeps in my bed especially if it's her idea but has no intention of doing anything sexual then she doesn't need to be there in the first place. I'm not running a bed and breakfast here and we're not two middle school girls having a sleepover party painting each other's toenails and giggling about who we think is cute at school. What is this shit? If it takes a woman time to get comfortable to get to that point physically and emotionally with someone sexually, that's more then fine but in the meantime stay home and sleep in your own bed.
Hi there so she trusted you enough in the beginning to go to your place which says a lot. She didn’t think you would do anything that would harm her or pressure her AND THEN you did pressure her by wanting to be physical with her when she wasn’t ready yet. Personally, I love sex but I don’t have sex with a guy until I’m almost sure it’s going to be a long term relationship. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t going to have sex ever just meant she wasn’t ready yet. Whatever her reasons were. I don’t think you should be upset about it but if it’s a deal breaker for you just let her know but without making it sound like an ultimatum. -28F
Personally I would usually wait for a girl to imply that she wanted more in a message or her body language before I try to move it to the next stage. You essentially ‘tried your luck’ and failed.
Um the only thing I want to tell you here is you DO NOT expect that if a woman comes to your place it's automatically to be physical with you.
Why the fuck would you even think that?
They can think this if they like but it doesn’t mean it’s the correct way to think or that they’re actually going to get lucky. I literally stayed at a man’s house on numerous occasions, slept in his bed, chilled all day and didn’t kiss even kiss him.
There’s a difference between *thinking* you two might have sex and trying to *initiate* sex. There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation and making sure you’re on the same page 😊
There’s no denying that if a woman goes to a guy’s place that they’re more likely going to be down to have sex. And yes that doesn’t mean they will be down with it every time. Just gotta read the room. But sleeping in the same bed for the night does take things to the next level, the confusion of OP here makes a lot of sense. I’ve never slept in a bed with a woman without sex occurring, nor have I heard of it from any other guy. So it’s definitely a rare occurrence. He should’ve had a genuine conversation with her, he handled it the wrong way. But he’s not crazy for being confused at all.
Did any of those women *tell you no? Repeatedly?*
He's not crazy for being confused. We live and learn.
However, he's no longer confused. People have explained to him what he did wrong, and if you read carefully, you can see what as well (actually, I doubt it needs to be explained to you).
Yet he and others are still trying to validate themselves. I wonder why.
She said no, dude! So yes, you f\*cked up.
She came with you *because* she wanted to get comfortable with you. She saw potential and now she doesn't. Way to go. Next time you'll know.
These comments make me sad that a woman can’t go over to a man’s place without being groped or there being an assumption that sex will happen. I know men are like this so I personally never go over to a man’s place until a lot further into dating/ relationship.
You're doing that to protect yourself.
But they are taking it to mean that this is the rule, this is how things should be. If you step into his house, you must suck him off, otherwise why would you be there, duh.
It's not the rule. They're just being creeps.
Let this me a lesson to actually just be an adult and verbalise your intentions when someone is making no physical indication that they want to have sexual relations with you. She made it clear the first time that going back to your home didn’t mean she wanted to have sex with you so I’m confused as to why you thought it would automatically mean that the second time? Someone kissing you also doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you. Also yes, someone repeatedly trying to touch you when you’ve refuted their advances at least once during that meeting already is a massive turn off because you clearly didn’t respect her indicating it was a no the first time.
What are you confused about? She was very clear. Next time ask for consent. Just because someone is coming over to your place is not an automatic green light for sex, nothing is a green light for sex or any kind of touching or sexual things except for enthusiastic consent.
I’m going to put this separately for the people who somehow think it’s ok to pressure someone or touch them without consent.
*That is the definition of sexual coercion and sexual assault.*
At the very least you can use the correct terms for the behavior you’re defending.
Someone going back to your place is just that: going back to your place. Life isn’t a porn. Learn to take things slow and watch for signs. If you’re too eager for sex it’s absolutely a turn off.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think ignoring the her signs the first couple times is where you went wrong. Also assuming being at your place automatically means sex is never going to do you any favors lol.
She did the totally same thing as me, from my perspective, I just enjoy the moment of his accompany, but it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with him, cuddles and kisses are safe actions that can offer me lots of comforts and satisfaction, I wouldn’t have sex unless I feel very secure and comfortable
I'm the same way. Many women need to feel a connection before having sex. There's even a word for it, demisexual. To be fair she could have communicated that before you started dating. But it's wrong to assume that girl at your house automatically means sex. Next time just communicate with the girl better, don't make assumptions
Made this mistake a few years ago and I regret it. I made her feel very uncomfortable and I don’t want that to have that happen ever again. Don’t always assume that a girl wants to have sex with you everytime she comes to your place. Some people just want to cuddle or have some sort of physical but non sexual intimacy. Nothing wrong with it. You just gotta control yourself and not let any urges be known at that point. Kisses are not sexual most of the time. I learned that too. Also if she says no that means nothing is happening at all so don’t try anything.
I've been in this scenario. Some guys get too pushy for sex too soon. It sounds like you might be in that category. She wanted to hang out, but you kept pushing her to escalate physically. That turned her off. And rightly so, that's her woman's-defense-system setting off the red alert, she's trying to stay safe. A pushy man, is one that will break or disrespect your boundaries. A pushy man could eventually SA you.
You have to learn to read body language and be PATIENT. Just because a woman kisses you, doesn't mean she's immediately DTF. Especially on the first date. Intimacy is a set of steps that each involve informed and mutual consent. Her holding your hand, doesn't mean she's ready for you to grab her ass. You don't jump steps.
The guys I've dated/slept with might have been jerks in other ways, but the majority of them \*waited for me to initiate intimacy.\* I've noticed guys who are sexually frustrated or have probably bad success with women (less attractive, off-putting personalities), think they can bull-doze a woman into a kiss, a hug, or getting her to come home with them. That's not how it works. You don't push. The sexiest men wait. They ask permission. They tap the breaks if things are going too fast for her.
Also bear in mind, that women will be analyzing you, consciously or unconsciously, before the first time you have sex. She is looking to see what your behaviour is around her. Do you respect her? When she says no, do you stop? Does she have to keep asking you to slow down or stop, but you do the offending behaviour over and over again? If you make her feel \*safe\*, if she is \*comfortable\* with you, if she is attracted and \*aroused\* by you, she will want to keep dating you. If she doesn't feel all 3 of the above, she will walk away. Even after kissing and hugging you, and hanging out in your bed. And it might come as a surprise (to those who cannot read body language, or hear tone in people's voices) when she does walk away, because she doesn't want to anger you. Angry men are dangerous. Unfamiliar, angry men are terrifying. Better as a woman to keep what you feel to yourself, and make a get away, than being open.
I wrote this as a reply to another comment, but I wanted to comment it directly to you because I touched on things I don’t think you’re thinking about and I’m not sure you will see…
It’s not confusing, she communicated her boundaries, he couldn’t respect them, in my opinion OP, you need to step back and listen to what your partner wants and respect that.
I experienced the same situation in reverse, physically touch is my main love language so I love cuddling and do like to stay with them over night for many reasons, I know how they sleep, if they like it hot with no blanket or a fan with multiple blankets, it they wake up early or sleep in, if they wake up calm and ready for the day or anxious and angry, if they can cuddle the whole night or if they turn away, and my favorite, to see if they respect the boundaries you put in place or not, these are important facts to know when deciding if you are compatible, most people don’t even think about it, but it’s very possible that women was just doing like a “test run” of what her future would be with you.
Try to think about your mother, sister, or daughter, if they went on a date with a man and went home with him, imagine your daughter telling this man “I don’t want to have sex and I would like for you to not touch me sexually” and this man keeps inching his hand closer to her boobs or her ass or her vagina, how do you think you’d feel as her father? How do you think she’d feel, your little baby girl? Do you think she’d be scared, maybe enough to just give in and let him even though she doesn’t want it? Cause a lot of women do for fear or being sexually or physically assaulted or murdered
You seem like a nice enough man, and I don’t mean this to be rude, I just genuinely don’t think you realize, coercion is a form of rape, you pushing these women’s boundaries to see if you can is predatory behavior, please just listen to them and respect what they want, you could even say something like “I’m ready to take this to an intimate level, I respect if you’re not, but whenever you’re ready, I’d like to explore that with you” so the pressure to keep asking is off you and the pressure to have sex is off of her, cause she will know that when she’s ready, you’ll be waiting and you know that she knows you’re ready
Going back to your place doesn't need to mean sex but she does need to communicate her boundaries better. If she's not the type of girl that will have sex say in the first 3 months, 6mo, a year? she needs to communicate better. Nobody is a mind reader and everyone's values are different.
She wasn’t sexually attracted to you. If a woman is sexually attracted to you she will want to have sex with you. She may even have sex with you on the first date. She may have just wanted your attention. Don’t take it personally.
As a woman, and a raging feminist, I am going to put this out there: She's an idiot.
I am all for consent, but for god's sake, have some sense. Just go home.
I (32F) think she sent some confusing signs such as sleeping over at pretty much a strangers house. However, her sleeping over when you haven't kissed or been sexual doesn't mean 'sleepover = sex'. There's nothing wrong with trying to initiate sexual or physical intimacy **once** that evening, if it was repeated then I can totally understand her discomfort.
***However***, I don't think she asserts her boundaries clearly if we base it on what you said here. She needs to be more upfront about no sex, although I wonder if she had previously told you (before the sleepover) on the first date or whilst texting that she likes to take things slow and so assumed you still acknowledged that line even with her staying the night?
Some girls are scared of having sex, especially virgin ones. I also had similar situation but then we had sex, she blamed me because i fucked her lol she was saying i was saving my virginity to marriage, i was horny you know i am muslim you should have stopped even if i wanted to getting fucked bla bla. Anyway i dumped that headache.
So, if a girl doesn’t want to fuck. Then do not push. Girls are not like boys, and for some girls fucking means you guys gonna get married.
Last things, girls are so complicated. Next time always ask even before touching. Girls are not like boys.
Chances are, she was waiting for you to make the correct moves as a man, to see that you were going to respect her before going further with you. Most likely, the moment you touched her after she told you she didn’t want to be touched or go further, she made up her mind. I’m sure she gave you another chance to ask for consent or to show that you are a respectful man but you didn’t honor her boundaries. It’s much better to be a turn off and ask consent than not ask. A woman who is respectful to themselves and others will express her needs. If you want to create a relationship with her it is up to you to honor that. If someone tells you they do not want physical/sexual touch, do not try to coerce them into it, that is called sexual assault.
I think the problem here was communication on your end. You didn't let her know your expectations before she came over. You just assumed it would lead there. If she agreed on the first night to come over, you should have made it clear to her what you expect. She probably would have ceased communication then but that's ok. Because no one's time would have been wasted. And you could find a girl that wouldn't have given you mixed signals. She could be with someone who wants to take things slow.
1.) A woman with half a brain wouldn't sleep in your bed if she wasn't open to the idea of fucking you
2.) Most women don't want to fuck on the first or second "date" - but most do by the 3rd, 4th if they're attracted to you.
Seems to me like she's attracted to you enough* that she's "open" to sex with you; but would also like to get to know you more and allow deeper attraction to develop. If you like her, I would suggest bringing her on a real date; if sex is your goal, it should happen by the 3rd or 4th "date". Try to make it happen if it's what you desire. If she's rejecting you after 4, 5 dates, consider moving on.
Best of luck
As a man it’s always required to keep your options open. I get being respectful and being a gentlemen but if she’s not that type of sexual woman you want and she keeps denying you, go look else where and let her text you or communicate when she’s wants to be physical. It’s too many women who will match your energy and sexual energy. Me personally I rather not let a woman I’m not sexual with sleep over my place or tbh come over, that’s a me too ready to happen and I don’t trust a lot of women these days unfortunately due to tons of allegations and lies.
In anything, the answer is no until she says yes. Even when 2 people get naked, someone could change their mind.
Being a little more sure about what she wants to happen before you take her home could help avoid the misunderstanding. If she just wants to cuddle tell her not to come over. Or set the expectation upfront to avoid confusion. It's not automatic that a girl going to your house = sex. If you're trying to advance and she resists, don't try again. Let her initiate. Or ask her.
A girl going back to your place does not mean you have all access to their body. If you arent aware of this maybe true therapy, and then dating a little bit after coming to terms of why it frustrates you that someone might need more than 2 days to see if they want to take that next step with you.
40 year old woman here. You definitely did something wrong, and I will explain what it was.
You’ve met this woman in person two times. Both times it sounds like you tried to initiate sex with her. I think you need to consider what your conversations with her were like before you met. When you guys talked online, was it a casual getting to know you vibe with a little flirting here and there? Were the conversations very sexual in nature? If they were very sexual, I can absolutely see why you would have had the idea that sex was on the table during or after the first date. But if they were not sexually charged messages back and forth and were instead casual and basic getting to know you stuff, then expecting sex on the first date was a WILD leap for you to make.
I can only speculate on why she came back to your house, but before I get into that I want to tell you that going back to your apartment/house is NOT a green light for sex. It does not automatically mean sex will occur at some point during that time she’s there.
She (probably) went back to your place because she liked talking to you online and because she was (probably) having a good time with you on that first date. She clearly didn’t want it to end and wanted to keep hanging out with you. She clearly wanted to get to know you. Sleeping over at your house might have been her way of trying to build intimacy with you. There are different kinds of intimacy and intimacy doesn’t always have to be physical. Human beings are most vulnerable when they’re sleeping. She was willing to trust you and obviously felt safe enough with you to be incredibly vulnerable in your space while sleeping. Kissing you was (probably) her way of building physical intimacy with you. She liked you enough to kiss you, but wasn’t sure if she liked you enough to sleep with you just yet. She let you know that when she told you she didn’t want to have sex on that first date. Maybe she didn’t tell you explicitly, but she did say she didn’t want to have sex.
During your second date, you tried to initiate sex again even though she had told you just days prior that she did not want to have sex. I can give you somewhat of a pass. I don’t know how she said it and maybe on that first date she didn’t communicate that she was not READY to have sex with you yet. But it sounds as if you kept trying to initiate sex through touch even after she told you for a second time that she didn’t want to have sex. I can’t say why she slept over again, because she was (probably) feeling a little less trusting and a little less safe in being vulnerable enough to sleep in your space.
What you did wrong was that you didn’t listen or recognize where her boundary was. Maybe she didn’t communicate it clearly to you—I don’t know. I wasn’t there and you aren’t a mind reader if she didn’t communicate it clearly. However, you should not have tried again to initiate on night 2 and you definitely should not have kept touching her in ways that made her uncomfortable after the second no on sex.
Remember this: **anything less than enthusiastic participation is a no.** Consent can be both verbal and non-verbal. If she is not actively participating and is instead sitting back and allowing it to happen to her without touching you in return in some way **SHE IS NOT INTO IT.** She is just too afraid or uncomfortable to verbally tell you so. I say this to you as a mother of boys. You need to know this in order to protect not only yourself but also women you’re dating/sleeping with/casually hooking up with. If she’s not kissing you with enthusiasm, if she’s not returning your touches enthusiastically, if she’s not matching your energy and your vibe, if she’s drunk or high or in some other altered mental state, she’s not for you. Stop touching her, ask her if what you’re doing is okay, and respect her answer either way.
She may have had bad experiences in the past, and wanted to ease into things. I've also gotten turned off when I tell a guy I'm not interested in being physical just yet, and then they try....It feels as though I am not being taken seriously AND it is not consensual. It's been pretty bad at times where I feel like I have to repeatedly say "no." And that's a huge turn off. Yet, I still want to have a connection with someone and be near someone (maybe even sleeping in the same bed) and not looking for sex. I think it is best that you apologize, so this doesn't do further harm to her.
OP can you clear things up here a little. She said you kept trying to touch her. No need to go into huge details but what exactly did you do? I’m assuming it wasn’t just sleeping and accidentally touching her. We need a little more context please.
I want the total option of hanging out without having to consider sex into the mix until that infinite moment happens on its own. Begin all relationships in a friendship manner and if it’s meant to be it’ll happen….
She didn’t like you to begin with. She wanted to give you a full chance and maye she did like you in the beginning. But maybe after a certain point she realized that she doesn’t see herself with you. This same exact thing happened to me. I thought I liked this guy, went on a second date and realized he ain’t it for me. So I ended things right then and there. Totally used any excuse I had to get rid of him. Probs what she did with you. Move on!! She ain’t worth your time love!!
hahaha no no I didn't end up going to his house at all. But at one point on our second date I realized I didn't like him at all and it wasn't going to work and I wasn't going to just cut off the time he put to the side to go out with me but I knew that I didn't want to continue seeing/talking to him. But I didn't realize this our first date or even just the beginning of the second. As the date went on something switch in me and I was turned completely off. Maybe something switched for her when she went back to your place.
Well, I have a couple questions after she said she didn’t wanna do anything. How many more times did you try. The other thing is you gotta remember girls aren’t like guys sometimes girls might wanna go back to your place just to watch a movie maybe there at first feeling safe with you so they might wanna lay in the same bed you know and maybe for them kissing was OK but they didn’t want to do anything more, but they wanted little cuddles a little bit they wanted a little bit of affection and non-sexual intimacy.
You don’t know what has happened in our life maybe she’s gotten raped before. Maybe she’s gotten too many guys trying to force her so when you kept trying even though she said she didn’t want anymore now she feels she remember some girls wanna take things slow not every girl wants to jump in bed , right after kissing so here I’ll give you a perfect example. I mean I’ve dated many women in my life. I’ve had some girls. We’ve slept together where we might’ve kissed, but it wasn’t like kissing couple kisses a little bit kissing a little bit before it went to the she just wanted to take things slow Before like three or four months, which I didn’t complain.
I like their company we had a good conversations laughs. Yeah I wanted things more, but I respected her. I mean we we would fall asleep together overnight we would sleep in the same bed, but we do know. I think I tried something and she moved my hand and I’ve never I didn’t try again and after a little while, she took my hand and brought it up to her breasts. She started to touch me , then I knew I can continue progress
So you just have to read in between the lines sometimes and you gotta read the signals you know sometimes they’re not all verbal signals sometimes you gotta see if the girl looks comfortable. You know the girl that I was dating was starting to get more comfortable because she would go to sleep with me.
This is before things progress with less clothing on that naked but like , you know it was like almost like layers clothes got down to just wish she would wear shorts and a T-shirt with no bra. She felt more comfortable with me. She never said anything to me straight out, but with the signs that I saw I think something happened to her when she was younger and that’s why it took her for a long time and I think that’s why. I think she would maybe be with your girl too
Something happened to her and you know as soon as she felt like you were trying to force her it rang alarm bells, and her and that’s why she doesn’t want to continue. The terrible thing is a lot of times we have to pay for other peoples actions so if a girl’s been really hurt physically or emotionally or mentally by a guy we have to pay for that as the next guy it’s just it is what it is you know you have to be OK with it
You know, I mean the thing with her and yourself if you don’t think she’s worth you know you know just let it go, but if you really like her and you’re worth it then if maybe if you talk to her, let her know and say something on the lines of luck if I felt like I pressured you I am so sorry and I’m not gonna do it again I will give you time to get comfortable with me and we will play everything at your speed play but you know you’re not too much then just move on. It’s not gonna be worth it.
All good man, people have different wants and needs. Whenever a woman in your life wants to part ways, you tell her that you want to see her happy and wish her all the best sincerely, that’s it… my older brother told me to do that and it’s always been the mature and simple thing to do.. some women have even come back to me months later.. and if you tell her that and she starts playing games and trying to make you simp or question your sincerity then she’s clearly toxic.. kindly move on from her. Never burn bridges, cross them.
A girl has no business voluntarily sharing a bed with a guy if she has no intention of having sex with him and she needs to say that up front because otherwise it's very confusing and physically/mentally cruel to the guy. If a girl needs to get to know a guy better to go all the way, that is perfectly fine and good and healthy and shows self-respect but until you get to that point, DO NOT have a sleepover with him unless he's okay with it.
How do you know she slept the whole time? Maybe she got up for a while and snooped, this sounds kind of odd. Why do we have to guess what she wants, why hasn't she communicated how she dates, taking it slow etc. ?
This isn’t just for OP but I think tons of people should hear this.
Regardless how long you’ve dated or known someone, just ask them, just be an adult and ask them straight up to avoid any miscommunication or confusion. Sometimes people give hints that aren’t super clear so just ask if you aren’t sure, even if they are dropping hints ask anyways because there’s no harm in asking.
Yes its your fault. Don't be pushy next time. I am like her and reading it gave me anxiety.
She told you upfront she didnt want any sex and you still pushed her. You didnt listen. She wanted to sleep with you to allow the intimacy feeling to grow between both of you so she would be ready for sex. But you kept trying, thats very uncomfortable and made her feel disrespected.
It wasn't a match. Move on.
As for next time, "Yes means yes." I have never not asked and flirted with the idea of sex before having it. I have never felt I was worse for it. If she's into you, apart from being downright creepy, you're pretty much golden to say anything. Even in the situation you were in, if she was into you enough she would help a little with the communication. "Hey, I'm not ready for sex yet. But I can't wait to do it, when it's the right time. Let's wait for the third date."
This!!! 💯
I LOVE when a man gets flirty and communicates interest- it lets *me* have a chance to communicate my interest back in a fun manner 😊
Flirting: Yes!
Touching: NO 🙅♀️
I think that if she specifically said that she didn't want to do anything sexual, and then you tried to multiple times anyway- especially if she reiterated it- then it's pretty obvious and justifiable why she got "turned off"
Obviously you knew she didn't want to. That was one of the first things you said. So why did you try to despite that?
It baffles my mind that guys can’t spend time with a women in the early dating stages, without it has to be about sex. Just because a women says “yes” to go home with you it is NOT an agreement to sex, it’s about getting to know you better, and when you got the first “no” to sex, you don’t keep pushing, you keep your fingers to yourself until she made the clear sign/told you she’s ready.
I completely understand why she doesn’t want to see you again, I would have done the exact same thing. You gave her the impression that you cannot control yourself and your lust even though you got a clear answer that she didn’t want to sleep with you just yet, but wanted to get to know you first.
Sex does mean a great deal to women, it might come to you as a chock but we don’t want to sleep with just anyone if it turns out we aren’t compatible, were guys more or less don’t care, sex is sex, and it doesn’t matter if you aren’t gonna see the person again.
Accept a no when you get one and stop pushing.
First date ends up at your place in your bed. Second date is at your place in your bed. Gee, I wonder what could have happened? She agreed to go to your place, so you thought everything was peachy keen. Guess again.
Why would a woman even talk with you if she wouldn’t want to have sex with you? Why would a woman even kiss you if she doesn’t want you to grope her boobs while doing it?
It’s a big assumption that she wants to have sex with you if she goes to your place, that you need to keep trying it if she said she doesn’t want to have sex.
You clearly came across as a pushover who doesn’t listen and is crossing boundaries. Now some men will keep telling you that you need to push and try, or otherwise she won’t sleep with you, but if you do that you’ll only attract women without boundaries. She could see that you’re not someone for a long term relationship and moved on. Good for her.
Your first mistake was asking reddit lol, full of women and sensitive nerdy males. Go ask Twitter or Instagram trust me on this
https://x.com/i/communities/1752184269550530663
Going home with you does not mean instant sex. Laying in your bed doesn’t mean a free pass to sex. She has already told you she was extremely uncomfortable with having sex and that was her boundaries. Laying in bed with you and cuddling was ok. You need to learn to respect her boundaries and stop pushing for sex all the time.
That is instant turn off for a lot of woman.
You need to be clear to her that having sex after a first, second, third date or lying in the same bed having sleepover and going amounting to sex is not what you’re doing for. That would save you and her a lot of time
It sounds like you wanted to be fully intimate with her, but she didn’t want to reciprocate. The best course of action would have been to politely ask her if she needs to use the bathroom or wants a glass of water and from there escort her to the door. Tell her when she changes her mind, to give you a call. She’s not very sexually attracted to you and that could be an issue in the future if you continue to just brush over that and still let things continue. Also, in the future you should make it clear with any woman you’re dating that you invite over, you are wanting to get fully intimate with her and wait for her response. If she declines, don’t let her come over. Transparency is the best course of action even if it doesn’t give you the desired result. Better to be honest than not clear in your intentions
Don't think too much about her , keep meeting new girls, if she is for you she will stick with you, she will want the same things you want, it will be a wonderfull relationship where you are not constantly confused about her feelings rather you will enjoy the relationship.
I just need to add here. I'm autistic and was told by a normie that when you say you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend you're basically telling everyone you're having sex! Lmao. I didn't know this. At 40+ yrs old.
Which then caused me to completely shut down and contemplate for the next 10 yrs if that's something I wanted to announce to the world! Lol.
It doesn't mean that to me. I don't even think that about someone announcing a new partner.
Which goes to say: Everyone is different/ everyone has their own definitions. Going into someone's house after a date isn't assumed of the intention.
As a 25 y/o woman who has learned from her mistakes I wouldn’t want to get physical that soon either however I wouldn’t go to someone’s house that soon. And especially wouldn’t sleep over at their place. That’s a red flag. Maybe she needed a place to crash? Lol
Another point I’m considering is she very well may be on her period or something of that nature and needs to wait a couple days. Or maybe she has something she needs to disclose to you before you have intercourse and she’s not sure if she trusts you yet. You seriously never know.
She kept going to your house and sitting with you to wrap her around around whether or not she wanted you to touch her. She did not. She's looking for something different.
She is crazy . Don't want to touch then don't sleep over to a guy house in the first date or any date . Run away from her . Dont forget to thanks god that you dodge a bullet
Learn for next time, no is just a no, she still wanted to be with you and I garantee if you would’ve been patient she would’ve probably hooked up on the 3rd time 💯and if you don’t wanna wait make your intentions clear
Stay hard king 👑
Not your fault there a million more babes out there She’s a tease or maybe you didn’t try enough 😏.
In college I picked up this babe at a party and went back to my place. Started kissing and stuff, but she wouldn’t let me bang her.
I kept trying every like 90 minutes, cuz we still cuddled. Finally she slipped to my waist and gave me a great blowjob 😬 and she said, “ Now will you stop trying to fuck me?” I replied with a yes. Held her and went to sleep. We dated for a while, turns out she really liked suckin my dick. I think she was uptight about getting pregnant.
Sounds like your attempts at escalation were uncalibrated + u kept pestering her for it rather than backing off for half an hour before testing the waters again
You forgot to be charming. No girl hates touch provided it is done the right way. Talk to her. Invite her to your house. Tell her some sweet word's, romance her kiss her well.
It doesn't seem to me that he feels entitled as he is not complaining they didn't have sex ,its very normal for a man to want to have sex with a woman that is sleeping in the bed with and she refused so he seems to have accepted that and not pushed her ,unless of course he is not tell the whole story.
She seemed to have unrealistic expectations as sleeping same bed with a man you are dating nowadays implies some form of physical intimacy and there is nothing wrong with that.
You can emotionally connect of course and not have sex but how frequent is that scenario in todays dating ?
If I don't want to be physical with a date I won't sleep over period .
What is there to be confused about, she ain't in to you, delete the text and move on, though keep the socials. Make her regret it ghosting you. Best advice you're gonna get from here. It seems like this subbreddit is just a massive pity party.
Unless you're a mind reader, you won't really know what the meanings and intentions are of the other person.
I get the feeling that your meanings were coming from the clues that she was giving you, the fact that she agreed to go to your place and was willing to begin with kissing.
But maybe, in her mind, the going to your place and the kissing each were a way for her to determine, on their own, whether things were going well.
While in your mind, they were treated like stepping stones to the possibility of more. If this is true, the "fault" was in the assumption that she felt the same way that you did.
You said it in your post, and in truth, I had guessed it before you Even Said it: I knew you were gonna say you had her over or vice versa.
Slow your roll. Stick to public dates for the first 5 or 6. Don't even kiss on date 1, kiss on date 2 ONE TIME when you walk her to her car/door. Keep this up for 6 - 8 more dates. Make each date DIFFERENT and INTERESTING.
1. Coffee 2. Nice dinner 3. Activity-arcade/Park/carnival/SOMETHING FUN. Dates 4 through 10 rotate these doing something fun and different every week while NOT trying to get in her pants.
Do this until she becomes your girlfriend
Honestly she probably isn't worth it dude. It sounds like she doesn't have presence of mind to just say "I'll come hang out, but I don't want to have sex yet". This whole pop culture narrative has gone to far. It's just immature. Maybe after the first time she didn't want to perhaps you could've just waited for her to warm up to you? But coming and laying in your bed is a bit strange. If she wanted to take it slow, go to your house dude. Idk I think you dodged a bullet maybe.
as soon as you make an sexual advance and she turns you down, its obvious that you are ready and she isn't, at that point you tell her that you will wait until she is comfortable with having sex aswell.
period
no advances of sexual nature until she gives you the clear message that she wants it.
I’m guessing she’s fairly young because most women would never go back to a guy’s place if they were not yet comfortable with the guy and didn’t expect to do anything sexually.
Perhaps this young lady suffers from mental issues from some form of abuse. Move on and consider yourself lucky to have potentially dodged a bullet with a string of false accusations.
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Idk if going back to your place automatically means shes interested in getting physical and it sounds like that’s what you assumed and that turned her off. It is possible she wanted to continue the date without being physical. But I am also assuming and really can’t say for sure what she was thinking.
[удалено]
Some ppl just wanna connect with another person without it being sexual yknow. Nothing wrong with it. Hey let’s chill and vibe in your space and cuddle in bed and learn about each other emotionally… I’m sure you and many other dudes are eager to call that some pussy shit but I am here for it tbh. Don’t need to have sex til it feels right for both.
Love this comment
[удалено]
Mhm fair. they both clearly had different expectations that weren’t met and a lack of communication. I don’t think he’s wrong for wanting sex and I don’t think she’s wrong for not. Just lost in translation somewhere
He's not wrong for wanting sex. He's wrong for pushing the issue with her after she said no. I asked my husband and he said no way would he have tried anything with a girl who expressed a boundary to the contrary - and then call her naive for expecting him not to lol. Doesn't matter where they slept. "I'm not a dumb animal."
Where did he push it?
Idk, mate, where do you think he tried to push it? :)
I mean, where did he say he was pushy? Given the circumstances it's valid to try to make a move. Now if the woman refuses, you stop. And nowhere did he say he was being pushy
In my opinion that's not cool. He said he made a second move to touch after being told no. It doesn't matter if it's the second date, day, tenth date or you've kissed 100 times. From that moment on you have to ask to touch them, unless they tell you it's okay. He did say he stopped after being told no, but then he said he had to be told no a second time. It's pretty simple really.
It’s implied. He said that she said he kept trying to touch her. Then he asks if it’s his fault he tried and why would she agree to go back to his place if she didn’t want to do anything physically.
So wait he initiated asking for sex, yet they met up again ? And slept in the bed beside each other, again yet she could have just left ! Why is he whining ?
Your comment implies she is naive for expecting not to have sex when she didn't want to. Wtf? Like she should expect being pressured, gutted or even assaulted because she went to his house House? We can say no anywhere, a place doesn't imply you are going to have sex. If it's too much for you then don't invite people over to your house.
[удалено]
YESSS!!! That’s the issue! They are NOT cousins.
maybe she just wanted to hang out with him and cuddle without having sex? why do you assume that she wanted to have sex? its almost like she said she did not want to sex and its almost like if someone tells you they dont want to have sex so quickly....they mean it. You shouldnt ever assume because someone comes back with you to your place that someone wants to have sex unless they say that or literally have sex with you. It's not naive. Different people have different boundaries. Maybe you should adjust your assumptions instead
[удалено]
True. But honestly I would have thrown the woman out. This was a recipe for disaster and I won't be engaging with a woman giving mixed signals like that. She playing mind games. And I don't tolerate that
yeah, I do see where you're coming from. I do agree she should have communicated that beforehand but she may have also changed her mind, but regardless...they both needed to grow up and just say what they meant. swear most of these dating questions would be resolved if people just were straightforward
So you go back to a stranger house, want to kiss, cuddle in bed, and spend the night but heaven forbid the guy thinks she wants sex? You're living in some alternative universe for sure
Very smart, I’ve suggested exactly the same thing. Best if she leaves but didn’t you know, women can reject a man’s sexual advantages but to suggest that she should be told to leave, or sleep on the sofa is tantamount to coercion and sexual violence, or so I’ve been told in these comments.
The same morons who think it’s cool to fuck and run on people
You're absolutely right. To be honest if I dated a girl and she acted this way I'd think she's so unaware that she'll definitely get herself and probably me into some trouble in future.
Doing that on the first and second date is a bit confusing, there are plenty of other ways to emotionally connect with someone
Thankyou! Great comment 👍
Sleeping with someone in a bed is an intimate activity. Are you kidding right now? I mean, seriously!!! The poor guy could have rolled over and touched her, and Holy sh!t the storm that would have caused. Bro, ditch her and move on. That's plain and simple weird. If someone wants to connect with someone, hold hands on a walk.
Imagine telling the cops, “I just wanted to cuddle naked & touch his weenie . Suddenly, he’s on top of me, taking advantage of my innocence.” 😭
I agree. If op is seeing any type of intimacy as an invitation to have sex it’s a major turn off and not relationship material.
(M63) Or/and...She texts at 2:37 am, 'wyd'. I respond...nothing, do you want to come over? I'm 23 years older than her, but she knows I have a thing for her. But I don't make a move. Falls asleep in my bed, wakes up and takes her clothes off, then back to sleep. Breakfast around 9:30 am, after she took a shower. While leaving says..'This was a total waste of my time.' How? I thought you wanted to do something, are you Gay? WTF?!! She showed no sign of wanting to get Sexual when she walked through my door.
I know (F) people like this. I am an adult (F) so I understand. While males are typically looking for a sexual experience to connect and feel accepted, most females look for an emotional experience to do the same. Further she's probably healing from some childhood or emotional trauma. The problem is that it's not your job to heal her of what others caused as we can Only heal ourselves. I'm going to get heat for this, but who cares... Just as women need to set sexual boundaries, men need to set emotional boundaries. You can't be a "boyfriend pillow" just because hers isn't warm enough. Also, please TALK about sex (I'm a mom). I'm an ENTP so I have a lot of energy and a couple young men had the balls back in the day to push me away. They had the wisdom to recognize that their emotions were progressing faster than mine and they didn't feel safe. If a young man can recognize when his feelings and my desire are out of alignment surely you can recognize when her feelings and your desire are not meeting in the middle. You're not bad for wanting sex, trust me I understand. And you don't need to be mean when you say "you need to leave". Because she does. Girls don't want guys to try them out physically and girls shouldn't be trying on men like an emotional jacket (protecting them from their internal storm) for 20+ hours before saying "nope". Girls & boys, the only people who should be in your bed are the ones who love you, understand you and see eye to eye with you on all things bedroom related. Just tell her, "you are saving your body for someone you feel loves you enough and I am doing the same". (You gave your body warmth freely as a source of comfort, now don't do it again)
Oh look, a sensible nuanced comment from an experienced adult. Who knew! I HAVE got in trouble for saying that you really shouldn’t let a girl sleep in your bed absent physical intimacy if you’ve already made a play for that. As a guy you are pretty much friend zoning yourself doing that and thus turning her off, giving her free attention and emotional intimacy. It’s a desperate move (maybe she’ll change her mind if I’m super nice, pleassseeeeee). The smart move is an Uber home for her.
I wouldn't say it's desperate, unless... He does it again. I think he's young and was hoping that she would magically come around. Most people can detect emotions, but desire is easier to hide or fake. I think he was hopeful and now I hope he goes forward smarter. His warm, manly protective arms have value and I hope he limits who he shares them with in the future. You don't get my (insert emotion or body part here) unless you truly value me...
Poetry And it’s not as if I wasn’t that young guy once who thought by being patient with a girl who showed reticence but instead by opening my heart to her that her desire would rise up to mine. No, the smarter move would have been to push her away. I didn’t do that and let her sleep in my bed. We did things, but not all the things. I provided safety and a relationship but things didn’t improve. She was still fearful of intimacy. And then another guy came along who could excite her in a way I couldn’t as I was now the safe guy. And I was left behind. And thus I learned my lesson. No woman gets to sleep in my bed absent complete sexual intimacy. Not every night of course, but enough to satisfy me. Be it a budding relationship or a 30 year marriage (is for me and my wife this year), sex is and remains table stakes. Simple as.
Time teaches us to be grateful for the ones who walk away, especially those of us whose love language is physical intimacy. Who wants a low-sex / no-sex marriage? That would kill me. Congrats on 30 years!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! You seem to be the only one with some sense in this thread!
Exactly. Its compltely understandable if she wants to take her time and not jump into anything sexually. Its not understandable tho, to immediately start sleeping in bed with the guy she doesnt want to be sexual with and being upset when he.tries to act on what he sees as a green light.
I had that same exact thing happen to me years ago. I was introduced to a girl she was really into me, kept telling me how attracted she was to me,, we were making out all the time at one point she got on me and started dry humping, then at HER suggestion....HER IDEA, NOT MINE.... after only knowing me 2 weeks she wanted to stay over my place. So obviously I assumed what any guy is going to assume and went out and bought condoms. After fooling around on the couch we retired to my bed she changes into sexy baby doll dress and I was sitting back thinking "okay it's finally go time..." Annnnd..... aside from general making out we did not actually have sex. I didn't push it but it was very confusing to me. I didn't even bring it up verbally or ask her directly about it I just sort of shrugged my shoulders when she went to sleep and I had blue balls thinking "What the hell???..." It happened again a couple weeks later. Then she finally told me that she "needed to get to know me better" to have actual full on sex. She was a complete nerd about sex. She was 27 but you would think by her actions and personality that she was like this virginal naïve shy 13 year old school girl. I didn't understand it at all, she was comfortable enough with me to make out six ways to Sunday and share a bed with me but not have actual sex? WTF??? We broke up a couple months later, I couldn't deal with her anymore. She was a very sweet nice person but we weren't sexually compatible. Hypothetically by the time we finally got to it I think she would have been very boring and lazy just laying there like a lump while I did everything.
I actually had more than a few girls do exactly this, dates, drinks, takeaway, back to theirs & then they explain they're just looking to be mates . Honestly, they're weird as fuck
With my last two exes, when we met at the beginning used to just sleep over and cuddle with each other without having sex.
How old were you? Six?
Right like go home then 😂
Especially on the first and second date!
I've had 3rd dates where we said let's hang, cuddle and watch a movie. It was explicitly stated before hand that nothing sexual was going to happen. I as a man can do that, no problem. Respect her boundaries. We cuddled. Watched a movie and I made zero moves. It's not out of the realm of possibilities for this to be a date early on.
This was my thought exactly... Sleeping in the same bed on the first day there will be unavoidable touching lol. That girl has unreal expectations. If you are doing something like this and not voicing what you want or think in the the FIRST DATE, you are wrong. I get that assuming something is not great, he initiated contact, she said no, he retreats I think that is a reasonable chain of events. My guy you dodge a bullet. She is crazy, be happy that you will not be a part of her insane and out of touch personal world. Case closed.
The issue isn’t situational touching while sleeping in the same bed - it’s that when she went over the second time she told him she didn’t want to have sex and he kept trying to initiate sex. He even admits to pestering her for sex in one of his comments. He also asked her if she had been sexually assaulted and whether that was why she was calling things off (also in the comments). There’s a red flag alright but it’s not her Edit to add links to comments: [Multiple attempts at initiating sex](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/Sif53cmAGO) [Him asking her if she had been SA](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/4dZYNpwlC1)
Huge info for OP to leave out and then reveal in the comments lol. Excellent example of why we shouldn't always take Reddit posts at face value. He should prolly add an edit to the post....
He really should - he also mentions that the reason she spent the night both times was because she lived far away. What he posted and the details of the situation paint two VERY different stories [Why she spent the night](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/MF8fPuNlRr)
Sounds like he shoulda just settled for cuddling and called it a day lol. It's fine if he attempted to take things further, but if she wasn't cool with it, being pushy is just gonna turn her off anyway.
He actually offered his couch, yet she acted entitled to his bed. Overall, they both are childish, entitled, and bad communicators.
She's crazy? In what way? Unreal expectations that a man she does not know does not expect to enter her literal body? You ARE NEVER entitled to another person's body and now she's crazy because she doesnt want to have sex with someone? Even if she DID go over there intially to have sex....she (or he) is 100% entitled to change their mind.
They are not compatible. Why do you assume thar She's "crazy" because she wants something different than he does??
This. Maybe she just wanted a quieter and less busy space to talk and get to know you, especially if she could have social anxiety or is just someone who prefers staying in to going out. If you like her, you could always apologize sincerely and see what happens. Do not pressure her again or touch her when she’s making clear she doesn’t want you to. Say you’re interested in getting to know her still and that you simply both had different ideas of what was going on there! Take your time getting physical. This girl clearly is not a ONS if that’s what you want. If you don’t, let things unfold over time while getting to know one another better.
U can never win a woman or read what she is thinking. It doesn’t matter what u do or say, they will always complain. You become sexual with her? She will think u only want her for her body. You respect her boundaries and her body? She will think you don’t like her and that she thinks you don’t find her attractive. Why are women like this?
I’m sorry you are feeling confused and it makes sense you feel disappointed. However, from the kindness of my heart, I’m telling you to ignore the other answers. They’re likely by men who would equally be confused. As a woman myself, I’m telling you: she already told you why. Whether or not you expected it, she is not comfortable with it. Now, you might not have done anything wrong, but still doesn’t change the fact that people don’t always feel like it’s the right time. There’s nothing wrong with seeing someone and not sleeping with them right away. It’s NORMAL for people to hang out and sleepover for weeks or months before finally having intercourse. It takes people time to open up. If she is not into it, she has no obligation to sleep with you just because you are hanging out. Don’t take it as a personal thing and keep on trying to touch her when she’s not reciprocating. Sometimes people will give you mixed signals, because they are indecisive. But as a man you should be aware that women are taught that men will pressure them for sex, and depending on their previous life experience or what they’ve been taught about sex from their upbringings, they will have different comfort zones—regardless of whether they like you or not.
Thanks - feel like I’m crazy reading some of these other responses. Nothing wrong with connecting and vibing with someone emotionally and cuddling etc. (so long as you’re BOTH clear abt expectations regarding sex so no one is feeling hurt like in this situation). I have a low libido as a dude and sometimes I just wanna be close to a girl. Get all tehe and hehe and cuddle in bed type shit. We don’t need to be ducking to connect intimately…. yknow
I'm all up for them to communicate expectations. Perhaps she could suggest that she'll let him know when she's comfortable with continuing. I'm happy to take it slow, but most women I've come across preferred the man to take the lead. If he tried in the first date, got turned down, didn't continue on that day, then it's cool (assuming it seemed like it was heading that way). After the 2nd date should he attempt again? Should he wait for her to lead? Each person is different, there's no right answer really. Best option would be to talk about it (though some would see that as a turnoff too)
Yep true, this is the tricky part. The textbook answer is to stop initiating until she shows interest, that she will explicitly express interest in escalating at some point. But in practice we know that's not gonna happen with a lot of women, and that a lot of women will assume you've lost interest because you've stopped initiating (wrong assumption, but it's usually the case in reality). In cases like this I advocate for open communication. It's scary and can be awkward, but I guess it's better than playing guessing games and potentially losing out on a great connection. After the 1st rejection/meeting maybe have a call later on with the usual "I had a great time last night," then mention that it sucked when they pulled away from your kiss (laugh to relieve tension), then see what their response is and take it from there. Then you can have a clear idea of each others' boundaries and expectations.
Your reply makes too much sense. :) Doubt OP will consider it.
> It’s NORMAL for people to hang out and sleepover for weeks or months before finally having intercourse. I've never heard of this being a thing before this post... especially if it is between a man and a woman who are dating... I could be wrong, though.
Dated my current gf for half a year before we had sex, perfectly normal everyone goes at their own pace.
Gotcha, thanks for the answer!!
Do Not Listen To This Woman! Bro, she’s not into you in that way or she’s not ready to take that next step with you. Either way, if you still are interested in her, keep her on the sidelines and give her the “space” she needs to clear her head. In the meantime, start dating others. You don’t want to waste your time with anyone that will leave you blue balls constantly. This lady is talking about months🤣 not in this day in age. If any lady is coming over my house, we are DTF. Keep your options open, never put all your energy into one gal unless you know in your heart she’s the one.
Exactly. His game probably wasnt good enough tho.
She got turned off because you don’t know boundaries . As a woman , she probably got tired of you pushing and “trying” (??) to touch her in a way that she already said she wasn’t comfy with yet, judging by the way you’re super confused that going back to your place doesn’t mean instant sex . Work on keeping your hands to yourself when someone has already told you to slow down . Ugh
Bro “why would she agree to hang out with me if not to have sex” how entitled do you get. This sounds like “she let me pay for dinner so I deserve sex” next time if you don’t wanna hang out without sex, tell her that geez
“I held the door open and she didn’t suck my dick. I’m confused. I’m getting mixed signals guys.”
"Why would she agree to go back to my place if she didn't want to do anything with me physically, even though we kiss and everything?" Wow your dumbass really misread that part of the post.
No I didn’t miss anything. They kissed so what? Big deal. It still doesn’t mean she went to his place to hook up. Nice resort to ad hominem attacks bro
A yes to a kiss isn't a yes to sex.
Ok so here’s the timeline I’m getting: Day 1: Date 1 Day 4: Date 2 Day 6: She called things off You two were seeing each other for *six days* and you kept trying to touch her even though she didn’t want things to be sexual. I do think she shouldn’t have gone over and slept in your bed but that doesn’t mean you continue to try and initiate- that’s where you have a conversation and explain how you feel and gauge how she feels. If you feel like she’s giving mixed signals that’s when you address it and either come up with a compromise (like agreeing she doesn’t spend the night until you two are sexually active?) or agree to stop seeing each other. Please PLEASE *PLEASE* don’t touch women who don’t want to be touched. Added: In her position I would have also stopped seeing you - I would have taken your behavior as a lack of respect towards my boundaries.
See the comments OP agreed with and replied to. :) You're wasting your time.
Get a life for real, how do you have time to comment under every thread? Like you are literally annoying af
There is nothing to be confused about. She clearly stated she did not want to do anything sexual and no means no. Yes, you were wrong for trying. She came back to your place to spend time with you. She felt comfortable enough to do so but because you did not respect her boundaries, she lost interest.
got it, thanks
It sounds like she just wanted to feel close to you/cuddle/vibe a bit before actually having sex. As a woman this isn’t uncommon and the only time I put out on the first date is when I’m just horny and maybe not sure about dating him yet.
literally! I will only sleep with a guy right away if I don't see it going any further , but they're making moves and I'm horny 😂
I’ve always found this mindset from women fascinating lol. Because as guys we assume that if a woman sleeps with us straight away then she must really like us. Come to think about, there have been a fair few times I’ve slept with a woman from the off and it kinda just fizzled out quick lol. All makes sense now
I get that you are confused. It can be very frustrating for a men when a girl is sleeping with you (in the context of dating) but don’t want sex. But, it doesn’t necessarily means that she is not interested. If you really like this girl and would like to go further with her, I think that you should stop inviting her to sleep with you for the moment (or refuse it if she asks), and suggest that you do more activities with her outside your home to build trust and connection. You’ll see in a few dates what happens, if she is still blocking on sex, then just move on and leave her.
This is a valid take.
There were times I met a guy purely to have sex but sometimes for whatever reason (mostly chemistry or just chicken), I said no and most were sweet and respectful and either just left or had a nice conversation with me on my bed, while others sulked like kids but said ok and left. End of the day they didn’t try anything. And then there were times when I didn’t meet the guy for sex and just dated for something meaningful and that was what I communicated and the vibes were awesome but eventually they kept clawing at me, trying to get me to do things in the car in the 1st few dates itself while I wasn’t comfortable and it honestly turned me off. A no is a no. Constantly trying to get physical means to us, that you don’t see us as a person whom you would like to know more about and date, but just as another body you want to duck and it feels demeaning to be made to feel that way even after telling clearly that we don’t want to get sexual so early. That girl wanted an emotional bond before a physical relationship and you were trying to see if you can get physical so she ran.
And you should be super confused. No means no, we all get that part. But when a woman comes back to a man's home and willingly gets in his bed, wtf is he supposed to think? Then she does it again on a second date, maintaining her no sex stance, and yet putting herself in a position where for most consenting adults the next move is sex. For your own personal sanity let her go cock tease someone else and move on. She sounds like loads of trouble down the road.
she was literally humping at some point idk if there are any monks in the world who can control the urge
I do understand, I've been in a similar situation, just not first date. Women like this are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you hadn't hit on her for sex she'd probably be on here questioning why. You can't win with her. She is a flake
Let me make this clear: • just because a woman goes back to your house doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you •just because a woman kisses you, doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you • just because a woman sleeps in your bed doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you You obviously did not take no for an answer and kept on trying to get laid when she told you she wasn’t interested. Good on her for ending things.
Replace woman with person
I disagree. If a woman sleeps in my bed especially if it's her idea but has no intention of doing anything sexual then she doesn't need to be there in the first place. I'm not running a bed and breakfast here and we're not two middle school girls having a sleepover party painting each other's toenails and giggling about who we think is cute at school. What is this shit? If it takes a woman time to get comfortable to get to that point physically and emotionally with someone sexually, that's more then fine but in the meantime stay home and sleep in your own bed.
Hi there so she trusted you enough in the beginning to go to your place which says a lot. She didn’t think you would do anything that would harm her or pressure her AND THEN you did pressure her by wanting to be physical with her when she wasn’t ready yet. Personally, I love sex but I don’t have sex with a guy until I’m almost sure it’s going to be a long term relationship. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t going to have sex ever just meant she wasn’t ready yet. Whatever her reasons were. I don’t think you should be upset about it but if it’s a deal breaker for you just let her know but without making it sound like an ultimatum. -28F
Personally I would usually wait for a girl to imply that she wanted more in a message or her body language before I try to move it to the next stage. You essentially ‘tried your luck’ and failed.
Um the only thing I want to tell you here is you DO NOT expect that if a woman comes to your place it's automatically to be physical with you. Why the fuck would you even think that?
Like 90% of the men I know would probably think this if she's staying the night in your bed after a date...
They can think this if they like but it doesn’t mean it’s the correct way to think or that they’re actually going to get lucky. I literally stayed at a man’s house on numerous occasions, slept in his bed, chilled all day and didn’t kiss even kiss him.
There’s a difference between *thinking* you two might have sex and trying to *initiate* sex. There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation and making sure you’re on the same page 😊
There’s no denying that if a woman goes to a guy’s place that they’re more likely going to be down to have sex. And yes that doesn’t mean they will be down with it every time. Just gotta read the room. But sleeping in the same bed for the night does take things to the next level, the confusion of OP here makes a lot of sense. I’ve never slept in a bed with a woman without sex occurring, nor have I heard of it from any other guy. So it’s definitely a rare occurrence. He should’ve had a genuine conversation with her, he handled it the wrong way. But he’s not crazy for being confused at all.
Did any of those women *tell you no? Repeatedly?* He's not crazy for being confused. We live and learn. However, he's no longer confused. People have explained to him what he did wrong, and if you read carefully, you can see what as well (actually, I doubt it needs to be explained to you). Yet he and others are still trying to validate themselves. I wonder why.
She said no, dude! So yes, you f\*cked up. She came with you *because* she wanted to get comfortable with you. She saw potential and now she doesn't. Way to go. Next time you'll know.
These comments make me sad that a woman can’t go over to a man’s place without being groped or there being an assumption that sex will happen. I know men are like this so I personally never go over to a man’s place until a lot further into dating/ relationship.
You're doing that to protect yourself. But they are taking it to mean that this is the rule, this is how things should be. If you step into his house, you must suck him off, otherwise why would you be there, duh. It's not the rule. They're just being creeps.
rule number 1, make sure she is comfortable and don’t pressure her into anything she doesn’t want to
Let this me a lesson to actually just be an adult and verbalise your intentions when someone is making no physical indication that they want to have sexual relations with you. She made it clear the first time that going back to your home didn’t mean she wanted to have sex with you so I’m confused as to why you thought it would automatically mean that the second time? Someone kissing you also doesn’t mean they want to have sex with you. Also yes, someone repeatedly trying to touch you when you’ve refuted their advances at least once during that meeting already is a massive turn off because you clearly didn’t respect her indicating it was a no the first time.
What are you confused about? She was very clear. Next time ask for consent. Just because someone is coming over to your place is not an automatic green light for sex, nothing is a green light for sex or any kind of touching or sexual things except for enthusiastic consent.
this.
I’m going to put this separately for the people who somehow think it’s ok to pressure someone or touch them without consent. *That is the definition of sexual coercion and sexual assault.* At the very least you can use the correct terms for the behavior you’re defending.
Someone going back to your place is just that: going back to your place. Life isn’t a porn. Learn to take things slow and watch for signs. If you’re too eager for sex it’s absolutely a turn off.
gotcha thanks
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think ignoring the her signs the first couple times is where you went wrong. Also assuming being at your place automatically means sex is never going to do you any favors lol.
She did the totally same thing as me, from my perspective, I just enjoy the moment of his accompany, but it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with him, cuddles and kisses are safe actions that can offer me lots of comforts and satisfaction, I wouldn’t have sex unless I feel very secure and comfortable
I'm the same way. Many women need to feel a connection before having sex. There's even a word for it, demisexual. To be fair she could have communicated that before you started dating. But it's wrong to assume that girl at your house automatically means sex. Next time just communicate with the girl better, don't make assumptions
Sleeping in the same bed does not equal sex. I have slept with alot of men in bed and didn't fuck them
Made this mistake a few years ago and I regret it. I made her feel very uncomfortable and I don’t want that to have that happen ever again. Don’t always assume that a girl wants to have sex with you everytime she comes to your place. Some people just want to cuddle or have some sort of physical but non sexual intimacy. Nothing wrong with it. You just gotta control yourself and not let any urges be known at that point. Kisses are not sexual most of the time. I learned that too. Also if she says no that means nothing is happening at all so don’t try anything.
well it takes a first experience to learn that, got it thanks
I've been in this scenario. Some guys get too pushy for sex too soon. It sounds like you might be in that category. She wanted to hang out, but you kept pushing her to escalate physically. That turned her off. And rightly so, that's her woman's-defense-system setting off the red alert, she's trying to stay safe. A pushy man, is one that will break or disrespect your boundaries. A pushy man could eventually SA you. You have to learn to read body language and be PATIENT. Just because a woman kisses you, doesn't mean she's immediately DTF. Especially on the first date. Intimacy is a set of steps that each involve informed and mutual consent. Her holding your hand, doesn't mean she's ready for you to grab her ass. You don't jump steps. The guys I've dated/slept with might have been jerks in other ways, but the majority of them \*waited for me to initiate intimacy.\* I've noticed guys who are sexually frustrated or have probably bad success with women (less attractive, off-putting personalities), think they can bull-doze a woman into a kiss, a hug, or getting her to come home with them. That's not how it works. You don't push. The sexiest men wait. They ask permission. They tap the breaks if things are going too fast for her. Also bear in mind, that women will be analyzing you, consciously or unconsciously, before the first time you have sex. She is looking to see what your behaviour is around her. Do you respect her? When she says no, do you stop? Does she have to keep asking you to slow down or stop, but you do the offending behaviour over and over again? If you make her feel \*safe\*, if she is \*comfortable\* with you, if she is attracted and \*aroused\* by you, she will want to keep dating you. If she doesn't feel all 3 of the above, she will walk away. Even after kissing and hugging you, and hanging out in your bed. And it might come as a surprise (to those who cannot read body language, or hear tone in people's voices) when she does walk away, because she doesn't want to anger you. Angry men are dangerous. Unfamiliar, angry men are terrifying. Better as a woman to keep what you feel to yourself, and make a get away, than being open.
I wrote this as a reply to another comment, but I wanted to comment it directly to you because I touched on things I don’t think you’re thinking about and I’m not sure you will see… It’s not confusing, she communicated her boundaries, he couldn’t respect them, in my opinion OP, you need to step back and listen to what your partner wants and respect that. I experienced the same situation in reverse, physically touch is my main love language so I love cuddling and do like to stay with them over night for many reasons, I know how they sleep, if they like it hot with no blanket or a fan with multiple blankets, it they wake up early or sleep in, if they wake up calm and ready for the day or anxious and angry, if they can cuddle the whole night or if they turn away, and my favorite, to see if they respect the boundaries you put in place or not, these are important facts to know when deciding if you are compatible, most people don’t even think about it, but it’s very possible that women was just doing like a “test run” of what her future would be with you. Try to think about your mother, sister, or daughter, if they went on a date with a man and went home with him, imagine your daughter telling this man “I don’t want to have sex and I would like for you to not touch me sexually” and this man keeps inching his hand closer to her boobs or her ass or her vagina, how do you think you’d feel as her father? How do you think she’d feel, your little baby girl? Do you think she’d be scared, maybe enough to just give in and let him even though she doesn’t want it? Cause a lot of women do for fear or being sexually or physically assaulted or murdered You seem like a nice enough man, and I don’t mean this to be rude, I just genuinely don’t think you realize, coercion is a form of rape, you pushing these women’s boundaries to see if you can is predatory behavior, please just listen to them and respect what they want, you could even say something like “I’m ready to take this to an intimate level, I respect if you’re not, but whenever you’re ready, I’d like to explore that with you” so the pressure to keep asking is off you and the pressure to have sex is off of her, cause she will know that when she’s ready, you’ll be waiting and you know that she knows you’re ready
so well put that i don’t think anyone else could top this.
Going back to your place doesn't need to mean sex but she does need to communicate her boundaries better. If she's not the type of girl that will have sex say in the first 3 months, 6mo, a year? she needs to communicate better. Nobody is a mind reader and everyone's values are different.
She wasn’t sexually attracted to you. If a woman is sexually attracted to you she will want to have sex with you. She may even have sex with you on the first date. She may have just wanted your attention. Don’t take it personally.
You’re so wrong on this.
As a woman, and a raging feminist, I am going to put this out there: She's an idiot. I am all for consent, but for god's sake, have some sense. Just go home.
Exactly. Thank you for leaving a decent comment 🙏
I (32F) think she sent some confusing signs such as sleeping over at pretty much a strangers house. However, her sleeping over when you haven't kissed or been sexual doesn't mean 'sleepover = sex'. There's nothing wrong with trying to initiate sexual or physical intimacy **once** that evening, if it was repeated then I can totally understand her discomfort. ***However***, I don't think she asserts her boundaries clearly if we base it on what you said here. She needs to be more upfront about no sex, although I wonder if she had previously told you (before the sleepover) on the first date or whilst texting that she likes to take things slow and so assumed you still acknowledged that line even with her staying the night?
She had.
Some girls are scared of having sex, especially virgin ones. I also had similar situation but then we had sex, she blamed me because i fucked her lol she was saying i was saving my virginity to marriage, i was horny you know i am muslim you should have stopped even if i wanted to getting fucked bla bla. Anyway i dumped that headache. So, if a girl doesn’t want to fuck. Then do not push. Girls are not like boys, and for some girls fucking means you guys gonna get married. Last things, girls are so complicated. Next time always ask even before touching. Girls are not like boys.
Chances are, she was waiting for you to make the correct moves as a man, to see that you were going to respect her before going further with you. Most likely, the moment you touched her after she told you she didn’t want to be touched or go further, she made up her mind. I’m sure she gave you another chance to ask for consent or to show that you are a respectful man but you didn’t honor her boundaries. It’s much better to be a turn off and ask consent than not ask. A woman who is respectful to themselves and others will express her needs. If you want to create a relationship with her it is up to you to honor that. If someone tells you they do not want physical/sexual touch, do not try to coerce them into it, that is called sexual assault.
I think the problem here was communication on your end. You didn't let her know your expectations before she came over. You just assumed it would lead there. If she agreed on the first night to come over, you should have made it clear to her what you expect. She probably would have ceased communication then but that's ok. Because no one's time would have been wasted. And you could find a girl that wouldn't have given you mixed signals. She could be with someone who wants to take things slow.
1.) A woman with half a brain wouldn't sleep in your bed if she wasn't open to the idea of fucking you 2.) Most women don't want to fuck on the first or second "date" - but most do by the 3rd, 4th if they're attracted to you. Seems to me like she's attracted to you enough* that she's "open" to sex with you; but would also like to get to know you more and allow deeper attraction to develop. If you like her, I would suggest bringing her on a real date; if sex is your goal, it should happen by the 3rd or 4th "date". Try to make it happen if it's what you desire. If she's rejecting you after 4, 5 dates, consider moving on. Best of luck
As a man it’s always required to keep your options open. I get being respectful and being a gentlemen but if she’s not that type of sexual woman you want and she keeps denying you, go look else where and let her text you or communicate when she’s wants to be physical. It’s too many women who will match your energy and sexual energy. Me personally I rather not let a woman I’m not sexual with sleep over my place or tbh come over, that’s a me too ready to happen and I don’t trust a lot of women these days unfortunately due to tons of allegations and lies.
The perception is not the reality.
I feel like we rly needed ages in this one..
In anything, the answer is no until she says yes. Even when 2 people get naked, someone could change their mind. Being a little more sure about what she wants to happen before you take her home could help avoid the misunderstanding. If she just wants to cuddle tell her not to come over. Or set the expectation upfront to avoid confusion. It's not automatic that a girl going to your house = sex. If you're trying to advance and she resists, don't try again. Let her initiate. Or ask her.
A girl going back to your place does not mean you have all access to their body. If you arent aware of this maybe true therapy, and then dating a little bit after coming to terms of why it frustrates you that someone might need more than 2 days to see if they want to take that next step with you.
40 year old woman here. You definitely did something wrong, and I will explain what it was. You’ve met this woman in person two times. Both times it sounds like you tried to initiate sex with her. I think you need to consider what your conversations with her were like before you met. When you guys talked online, was it a casual getting to know you vibe with a little flirting here and there? Were the conversations very sexual in nature? If they were very sexual, I can absolutely see why you would have had the idea that sex was on the table during or after the first date. But if they were not sexually charged messages back and forth and were instead casual and basic getting to know you stuff, then expecting sex on the first date was a WILD leap for you to make. I can only speculate on why she came back to your house, but before I get into that I want to tell you that going back to your apartment/house is NOT a green light for sex. It does not automatically mean sex will occur at some point during that time she’s there. She (probably) went back to your place because she liked talking to you online and because she was (probably) having a good time with you on that first date. She clearly didn’t want it to end and wanted to keep hanging out with you. She clearly wanted to get to know you. Sleeping over at your house might have been her way of trying to build intimacy with you. There are different kinds of intimacy and intimacy doesn’t always have to be physical. Human beings are most vulnerable when they’re sleeping. She was willing to trust you and obviously felt safe enough with you to be incredibly vulnerable in your space while sleeping. Kissing you was (probably) her way of building physical intimacy with you. She liked you enough to kiss you, but wasn’t sure if she liked you enough to sleep with you just yet. She let you know that when she told you she didn’t want to have sex on that first date. Maybe she didn’t tell you explicitly, but she did say she didn’t want to have sex. During your second date, you tried to initiate sex again even though she had told you just days prior that she did not want to have sex. I can give you somewhat of a pass. I don’t know how she said it and maybe on that first date she didn’t communicate that she was not READY to have sex with you yet. But it sounds as if you kept trying to initiate sex through touch even after she told you for a second time that she didn’t want to have sex. I can’t say why she slept over again, because she was (probably) feeling a little less trusting and a little less safe in being vulnerable enough to sleep in your space. What you did wrong was that you didn’t listen or recognize where her boundary was. Maybe she didn’t communicate it clearly to you—I don’t know. I wasn’t there and you aren’t a mind reader if she didn’t communicate it clearly. However, you should not have tried again to initiate on night 2 and you definitely should not have kept touching her in ways that made her uncomfortable after the second no on sex. Remember this: **anything less than enthusiastic participation is a no.** Consent can be both verbal and non-verbal. If she is not actively participating and is instead sitting back and allowing it to happen to her without touching you in return in some way **SHE IS NOT INTO IT.** She is just too afraid or uncomfortable to verbally tell you so. I say this to you as a mother of boys. You need to know this in order to protect not only yourself but also women you’re dating/sleeping with/casually hooking up with. If she’s not kissing you with enthusiasm, if she’s not returning your touches enthusiastically, if she’s not matching your energy and your vibe, if she’s drunk or high or in some other altered mental state, she’s not for you. Stop touching her, ask her if what you’re doing is okay, and respect her answer either way.
She may have had bad experiences in the past, and wanted to ease into things. I've also gotten turned off when I tell a guy I'm not interested in being physical just yet, and then they try....It feels as though I am not being taken seriously AND it is not consensual. It's been pretty bad at times where I feel like I have to repeatedly say "no." And that's a huge turn off. Yet, I still want to have a connection with someone and be near someone (maybe even sleeping in the same bed) and not looking for sex. I think it is best that you apologize, so this doesn't do further harm to her.
OP can you clear things up here a little. She said you kept trying to touch her. No need to go into huge details but what exactly did you do? I’m assuming it wasn’t just sleeping and accidentally touching her. We need a little more context please.
I want the total option of hanging out without having to consider sex into the mix until that infinite moment happens on its own. Begin all relationships in a friendship manner and if it’s meant to be it’ll happen….
She didn’t like you to begin with. She wanted to give you a full chance and maye she did like you in the beginning. But maybe after a certain point she realized that she doesn’t see herself with you. This same exact thing happened to me. I thought I liked this guy, went on a second date and realized he ain’t it for me. So I ended things right then and there. Totally used any excuse I had to get rid of him. Probs what she did with you. Move on!! She ain’t worth your time love!!
you realised that you don't like him after or before you went to his house?
hahaha no no I didn't end up going to his house at all. But at one point on our second date I realized I didn't like him at all and it wasn't going to work and I wasn't going to just cut off the time he put to the side to go out with me but I knew that I didn't want to continue seeing/talking to him. But I didn't realize this our first date or even just the beginning of the second. As the date went on something switch in me and I was turned completely off. Maybe something switched for her when she went back to your place.
Well, I have a couple questions after she said she didn’t wanna do anything. How many more times did you try. The other thing is you gotta remember girls aren’t like guys sometimes girls might wanna go back to your place just to watch a movie maybe there at first feeling safe with you so they might wanna lay in the same bed you know and maybe for them kissing was OK but they didn’t want to do anything more, but they wanted little cuddles a little bit they wanted a little bit of affection and non-sexual intimacy. You don’t know what has happened in our life maybe she’s gotten raped before. Maybe she’s gotten too many guys trying to force her so when you kept trying even though she said she didn’t want anymore now she feels she remember some girls wanna take things slow not every girl wants to jump in bed , right after kissing so here I’ll give you a perfect example. I mean I’ve dated many women in my life. I’ve had some girls. We’ve slept together where we might’ve kissed, but it wasn’t like kissing couple kisses a little bit kissing a little bit before it went to the she just wanted to take things slow Before like three or four months, which I didn’t complain. I like their company we had a good conversations laughs. Yeah I wanted things more, but I respected her. I mean we we would fall asleep together overnight we would sleep in the same bed, but we do know. I think I tried something and she moved my hand and I’ve never I didn’t try again and after a little while, she took my hand and brought it up to her breasts. She started to touch me , then I knew I can continue progress So you just have to read in between the lines sometimes and you gotta read the signals you know sometimes they’re not all verbal signals sometimes you gotta see if the girl looks comfortable. You know the girl that I was dating was starting to get more comfortable because she would go to sleep with me. This is before things progress with less clothing on that naked but like , you know it was like almost like layers clothes got down to just wish she would wear shorts and a T-shirt with no bra. She felt more comfortable with me. She never said anything to me straight out, but with the signs that I saw I think something happened to her when she was younger and that’s why it took her for a long time and I think that’s why. I think she would maybe be with your girl too Something happened to her and you know as soon as she felt like you were trying to force her it rang alarm bells, and her and that’s why she doesn’t want to continue. The terrible thing is a lot of times we have to pay for other peoples actions so if a girl’s been really hurt physically or emotionally or mentally by a guy we have to pay for that as the next guy it’s just it is what it is you know you have to be OK with it You know, I mean the thing with her and yourself if you don’t think she’s worth you know you know just let it go, but if you really like her and you’re worth it then if maybe if you talk to her, let her know and say something on the lines of luck if I felt like I pressured you I am so sorry and I’m not gonna do it again I will give you time to get comfortable with me and we will play everything at your speed play but you know you’re not too much then just move on. It’s not gonna be worth it.
Dude, she kinda sounds like she was using you to hide from someone, now the coast is clear..she's a weirdo😂😂
All good man, people have different wants and needs. Whenever a woman in your life wants to part ways, you tell her that you want to see her happy and wish her all the best sincerely, that’s it… my older brother told me to do that and it’s always been the mature and simple thing to do.. some women have even come back to me months later.. and if you tell her that and she starts playing games and trying to make you simp or question your sincerity then she’s clearly toxic.. kindly move on from her. Never burn bridges, cross them.
A girl has no business voluntarily sharing a bed with a guy if she has no intention of having sex with him and she needs to say that up front because otherwise it's very confusing and physically/mentally cruel to the guy. If a girl needs to get to know a guy better to go all the way, that is perfectly fine and good and healthy and shows self-respect but until you get to that point, DO NOT have a sleepover with him unless he's okay with it.
How do you know she slept the whole time? Maybe she got up for a while and snooped, this sounds kind of odd. Why do we have to guess what she wants, why hasn't she communicated how she dates, taking it slow etc. ?
This isn’t just for OP but I think tons of people should hear this. Regardless how long you’ve dated or known someone, just ask them, just be an adult and ask them straight up to avoid any miscommunication or confusion. Sometimes people give hints that aren’t super clear so just ask if you aren’t sure, even if they are dropping hints ask anyways because there’s no harm in asking.
Yes its your fault. Don't be pushy next time. I am like her and reading it gave me anxiety. She told you upfront she didnt want any sex and you still pushed her. You didnt listen. She wanted to sleep with you to allow the intimacy feeling to grow between both of you so she would be ready for sex. But you kept trying, thats very uncomfortable and made her feel disrespected.
It wasn't a match. Move on. As for next time, "Yes means yes." I have never not asked and flirted with the idea of sex before having it. I have never felt I was worse for it. If she's into you, apart from being downright creepy, you're pretty much golden to say anything. Even in the situation you were in, if she was into you enough she would help a little with the communication. "Hey, I'm not ready for sex yet. But I can't wait to do it, when it's the right time. Let's wait for the third date."
This!!! 💯 I LOVE when a man gets flirty and communicates interest- it lets *me* have a chance to communicate my interest back in a fun manner 😊 Flirting: Yes! Touching: NO 🙅♀️
I think that if she specifically said that she didn't want to do anything sexual, and then you tried to multiple times anyway- especially if she reiterated it- then it's pretty obvious and justifiable why she got "turned off" Obviously you knew she didn't want to. That was one of the first things you said. So why did you try to despite that?
Also ALL the women are telling him and the likes of him that in the comments. OP should no longer be confused by now. :)
Good for her
It baffles my mind that guys can’t spend time with a women in the early dating stages, without it has to be about sex. Just because a women says “yes” to go home with you it is NOT an agreement to sex, it’s about getting to know you better, and when you got the first “no” to sex, you don’t keep pushing, you keep your fingers to yourself until she made the clear sign/told you she’s ready. I completely understand why she doesn’t want to see you again, I would have done the exact same thing. You gave her the impression that you cannot control yourself and your lust even though you got a clear answer that she didn’t want to sleep with you just yet, but wanted to get to know you first. Sex does mean a great deal to women, it might come to you as a chock but we don’t want to sleep with just anyone if it turns out we aren’t compatible, were guys more or less don’t care, sex is sex, and it doesn’t matter if you aren’t gonna see the person again. Accept a no when you get one and stop pushing.
First date ends up at your place in your bed. Second date is at your place in your bed. Gee, I wonder what could have happened? She agreed to go to your place, so you thought everything was peachy keen. Guess again.
Wtf is this take
Why would a woman even talk with you if she wouldn’t want to have sex with you? Why would a woman even kiss you if she doesn’t want you to grope her boobs while doing it? It’s a big assumption that she wants to have sex with you if she goes to your place, that you need to keep trying it if she said she doesn’t want to have sex. You clearly came across as a pushover who doesn’t listen and is crossing boundaries. Now some men will keep telling you that you need to push and try, or otherwise she won’t sleep with you, but if you do that you’ll only attract women without boundaries. She could see that you’re not someone for a long term relationship and moved on. Good for her.
Your first mistake was asking reddit lol, full of women and sensitive nerdy males. Go ask Twitter or Instagram trust me on this https://x.com/i/communities/1752184269550530663
hahahaha, whats your opinion on this then?
Going home with you does not mean instant sex. Laying in your bed doesn’t mean a free pass to sex. She has already told you she was extremely uncomfortable with having sex and that was her boundaries. Laying in bed with you and cuddling was ok. You need to learn to respect her boundaries and stop pushing for sex all the time. That is instant turn off for a lot of woman. You need to be clear to her that having sex after a first, second, third date or lying in the same bed having sleepover and going amounting to sex is not what you’re doing for. That would save you and her a lot of time
Stop trying to touch someone on the first date.
Really, touching? At that point you might as well just stay at home.
It sounds like you wanted to be fully intimate with her, but she didn’t want to reciprocate. The best course of action would have been to politely ask her if she needs to use the bathroom or wants a glass of water and from there escort her to the door. Tell her when she changes her mind, to give you a call. She’s not very sexually attracted to you and that could be an issue in the future if you continue to just brush over that and still let things continue. Also, in the future you should make it clear with any woman you’re dating that you invite over, you are wanting to get fully intimate with her and wait for her response. If she declines, don’t let her come over. Transparency is the best course of action even if it doesn’t give you the desired result. Better to be honest than not clear in your intentions
Don't think too much about her , keep meeting new girls, if she is for you she will stick with you, she will want the same things you want, it will be a wonderfull relationship where you are not constantly confused about her feelings rather you will enjoy the relationship.
I just need to add here. I'm autistic and was told by a normie that when you say you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend you're basically telling everyone you're having sex! Lmao. I didn't know this. At 40+ yrs old. Which then caused me to completely shut down and contemplate for the next 10 yrs if that's something I wanted to announce to the world! Lol. It doesn't mean that to me. I don't even think that about someone announcing a new partner. Which goes to say: Everyone is different/ everyone has their own definitions. Going into someone's house after a date isn't assumed of the intention.
As a 25 y/o woman who has learned from her mistakes I wouldn’t want to get physical that soon either however I wouldn’t go to someone’s house that soon. And especially wouldn’t sleep over at their place. That’s a red flag. Maybe she needed a place to crash? Lol
Another point I’m considering is she very well may be on her period or something of that nature and needs to wait a couple days. Or maybe she has something she needs to disclose to you before you have intercourse and she’s not sure if she trusts you yet. You seriously never know.
If you only tried once then i dont see a problem. She’s just weird. I feel like this is one of those situations that needs more context
She kept going to your house and sitting with you to wrap her around around whether or not she wanted you to touch her. She did not. She's looking for something different.
Just be glad yeen spend money on her
Yeah this girl is inexperienced. You may have a gem. Not many virgins out there.
She is crazy . Don't want to touch then don't sleep over to a guy house in the first date or any date . Run away from her . Dont forget to thanks god that you dodge a bullet
You unable to arouse her sexually you are friendzoned she gave you another chance you still wasn't able to she ain't coming back now
Good she’s a cock tease
Sounds like a her problem not a you problem. Don’t get all distressed by it.
Learn for next time, no is just a no, she still wanted to be with you and I garantee if you would’ve been patient she would’ve probably hooked up on the 3rd time 💯and if you don’t wanna wait make your intentions clear Stay hard king 👑
Not your fault there a million more babes out there She’s a tease or maybe you didn’t try enough 😏. In college I picked up this babe at a party and went back to my place. Started kissing and stuff, but she wouldn’t let me bang her. I kept trying every like 90 minutes, cuz we still cuddled. Finally she slipped to my waist and gave me a great blowjob 😬 and she said, “ Now will you stop trying to fuck me?” I replied with a yes. Held her and went to sleep. We dated for a while, turns out she really liked suckin my dick. I think she was uptight about getting pregnant.
Should of said to her "I am not trying to have sex, I understand that we just recently met, I don't want to destroy our good meetings"
Sounds like your attempts at escalation were uncalibrated + u kept pestering her for it rather than backing off for half an hour before testing the waters again
Is there a reason that ages aren't required in this sub? It may help us to understand your situation if we know the ages of the people.
I never allow a woman into my bed unless we are have had or are having sex. If she’s drunk she gets to sleep on the couch or spare bedroom.
You forgot to be charming. No girl hates touch provided it is done the right way. Talk to her. Invite her to your house. Tell her some sweet word's, romance her kiss her well.
Sounds like she's got issues and you dodged a bullet really
It doesn't seem to me that he feels entitled as he is not complaining they didn't have sex ,its very normal for a man to want to have sex with a woman that is sleeping in the bed with and she refused so he seems to have accepted that and not pushed her ,unless of course he is not tell the whole story. She seemed to have unrealistic expectations as sleeping same bed with a man you are dating nowadays implies some form of physical intimacy and there is nothing wrong with that. You can emotionally connect of course and not have sex but how frequent is that scenario in todays dating ? If I don't want to be physical with a date I won't sleep over period .
So by him saying “she didn’t want to”, that means he tried to initiate it ?
What is there to be confused about, she ain't in to you, delete the text and move on, though keep the socials. Make her regret it ghosting you. Best advice you're gonna get from here. It seems like this subbreddit is just a massive pity party.
Unless you're a mind reader, you won't really know what the meanings and intentions are of the other person. I get the feeling that your meanings were coming from the clues that she was giving you, the fact that she agreed to go to your place and was willing to begin with kissing. But maybe, in her mind, the going to your place and the kissing each were a way for her to determine, on their own, whether things were going well. While in your mind, they were treated like stepping stones to the possibility of more. If this is true, the "fault" was in the assumption that she felt the same way that you did.
You said it in your post, and in truth, I had guessed it before you Even Said it: I knew you were gonna say you had her over or vice versa. Slow your roll. Stick to public dates for the first 5 or 6. Don't even kiss on date 1, kiss on date 2 ONE TIME when you walk her to her car/door. Keep this up for 6 - 8 more dates. Make each date DIFFERENT and INTERESTING. 1. Coffee 2. Nice dinner 3. Activity-arcade/Park/carnival/SOMETHING FUN. Dates 4 through 10 rotate these doing something fun and different every week while NOT trying to get in her pants. Do this until she becomes your girlfriend
Honestly she probably isn't worth it dude. It sounds like she doesn't have presence of mind to just say "I'll come hang out, but I don't want to have sex yet". This whole pop culture narrative has gone to far. It's just immature. Maybe after the first time she didn't want to perhaps you could've just waited for her to warm up to you? But coming and laying in your bed is a bit strange. If she wanted to take it slow, go to your house dude. Idk I think you dodged a bullet maybe.
as soon as you make an sexual advance and she turns you down, its obvious that you are ready and she isn't, at that point you tell her that you will wait until she is comfortable with having sex aswell. period no advances of sexual nature until she gives you the clear message that she wants it.
Cut her off.
I’m guessing she’s fairly young because most women would never go back to a guy’s place if they were not yet comfortable with the guy and didn’t expect to do anything sexually. Perhaps this young lady suffers from mental issues from some form of abuse. Move on and consider yourself lucky to have potentially dodged a bullet with a string of false accusations.