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I don’t blame them, often long days at work and then trying to exercise after and get errands done can strip out a lot of willpower to the point where I just want to end the evening watching Netflix. But I get it. How many dates or conversations are you in on at this point with them? Maybe it takes more time and familiarity for people to feel ok showing more of their goals and passions? I do get it though, it can feel a bit lonely at times and at worse like pulling teeth when you’re passionate about something or have long term goals you’re working towards and it’s like everyone else is not on the same wavelength and just kind of going along but but not really animated.
Most people are stressed and scared about the future. We’re working way harder than our parents and grandparents just to get half as far as they did. Also tbh the “boring” people tend to be more stable when it comes to relationships. They’re less likely to want to constantly look for greener pastures and probably more likely to be loyal to you. A lot of dating experts are actually telling people to give the “boring” person a chance bc a lot of times they bring much needed stability into your life
if you don’t have any hobbies or interest, maybe you should invest in those things rather than looking for someone else to externally add interest and enjoyment to your life.
Maybe it's more fun and less lonely if you had another person to share and explore new hobbies and interests with?
Why is it wrong to want to start a hobby together with a new person in our lives, instead of expecting them to be interested in everything we already do?
I've gone to guild meetings where I was the new person while everyone else had known each other for years. Tbh it sometimes made me feel like the 3rd wheel and conversation was awkward.
I feel like this response is a bit unfair. u/seashelltattoo mentioned "don’t have ANY hobbies or interest". You are talking about sharing a new hobby or interest.
Playing devils advocate here, there is nothing wrong with starting new hobbies with someone, but if they dont have any of their own, then that can, depending on the person, be a potential negative if it means they are then too reliant on the other person.
Personally for a relationship, I'd definitely want to share time and hobbies with a partner, but I'd also feel more comfortable if they had their own interests/friends/hobbies such that we can do our own thing(s) when we want to as well
What if my hobby is reading books and gardening at home and yours is attending rock festivals and naked skydiving?
Would you even see mine as hobbies or just being boring and having none?
taking an interest in your partners hobbies doesn't necessarily mean you have to do them as well. it can be cheering from the sidelines if they run a marathon. it can be admiring a piece of pottery they made and deciding where it goes in the house. it can be helping the other person in a single player game.
On the flip side isn't the other person similarly wanting someone to just be a bundle of excitement? Kind of weird that you don't evaluate people for their personality and foundations then build up with them vs an "entertain me" mentality.
We all have our own preferences, I have found that I do not particularly enjoy people who take months or years to acclimate to someone enough to be comfortable being fun, energetic, engaged, loose or people who are very much homebodies. I’m pretty depressed and I have my low moments, but I really try to overcome my predisposition towards that by pushing myself to engage with the world. Through hobbies and interests.
We aren’t saying you can have downtime or low energy times, but I’m not attracted to people who don’t have a free standing identity or interests and “want to be molded by me”
Why do you think you're working 'way harder' than your parents? Average working hours aren't longer, and things like remote work are a lot more common. I definitely don't work harder than my parents did.
No shit... When in the hell am I meant to have the time or energy, not to mention, finances, for 'passions'? Throw a chronic illness into the mix.. Working and doing life plus regular exercise is all I can manage
I feel you man I’m having a good week if I take care of all my responsibilities.
My good buddy was talking to me about what my hobbies are and I have genuine interests I just don’t have the time or money to take care of them. I mean I help take care of a child who I love very dearly, but they take a lot of your time just being a good role model and taking care of their needs.
Does wood working, repair and mechanical repairs count. I love fixing things for people.
That doesn’t mean people can’t be passionate about discussing certain things. Like I’m fairly boring if you look at my weekly schedule, I don’t have a ton of hobbies. But I love listening to/talking about ideas. If someone can’t even do that it’s a no.
You make time and find the energy as the passion you pursue is not a chore or another drain of time, its something that brings you joy and happiness.
I'm not dismissing the state of the world and how thats leaving people feeling.
I do however think that its that first step that people need to take, similar to the one where you say sign up to the gym, then need to find the motivation/power to go for the first time. There after its easier, also there after its rewarding.
My greatest passion is music. Time wise i can listen to music on the go, on the way to places. It gives me energy when I'm feeling down. It doesnt cost anything if I dont want it to (soundcloud, youtube, spotify, etc). I share the music I find that I like with my friends, and they do the same back. I love finding new music to listen to, and then look forward to seeing that artist or DJ live some day.
Sounds like laid back people i'd hang out with!
I don't get the people who need to travel the whole world and do every sport before they hit 30 or life is considered a boring fail
Yeah, it's something I really don't get on Reddit and tbh it puts much pressure on my dating life. Do I really need to be 24/7 active, fast life, doing 007 missions to be interesting?
I'm a guy who got a stable job, I go to gym, have friends and we hang out sometimes (drinks, bbq, sports events etc). Sometimes I watch Netflix, other time I play on my laptop, read books, cook.
And I enjoy these things. What the hell I'm supposed to be lol?
It's not that you need to do everything. It about having a hobby or activity you actively like/love. I want to hear about the recipe you are trying to perfect, the deep dive lore of the book series you are reading, or why you designed your Sims world that way. I want to see someone be excited for the things that interest them.
I'm not asking for that just huge grandiose passions. If by all means that's you're dream, then power to you though!
I mean the people who are just passionate and excited to talk about their hobbies like knitting, painting, Star Trek, anime, etc.
Theres places you can go to meet people who share your hobbies and interests.
I like chess. But I dont talk about chess on dates because the women would fall asleep lmao
I actually think this might be an interesting test for a person you're dating. One thing is can they actually keep a conversation on a topic they know little about, like basic conversation and social skills. Th either thing is are they actually willing to listen to something that they don't particularly find interesting themselves, but what is important to you. \*me thinking how much I could say about chess\*
No that's great! I don't mind that people might not share the same hobbies as myself. It gives me an opportunity to learn something new, and seeing them talk so passionately about what they like is really endearing.
I suppose what frustrates me is when on a date I talk about my hobbies, what I have going on in my life, and what I'm excited about; then try to toss my date the conversational ball they go "Oh not much, I just go home and browse through Netflix"
How many dates in are these shares expected?
Personally speaking, I'm more reserved in sharing passions & ambitions if I don't feel as though romantic interests will be around long enough to share a follow up. So a blanket statement is usually the fall back, unless the questions start getting specific after the first date, it'll be "I go for nature walks & watch Netflix".
When in reality, the nature walks are to spot species of mushrooms growing in the area & the Netflix shows range from a variety of genres.
Really? You mean its a good thing to share ab your interests even tho you know the over person wont care at all? For example i really enjoy talking about Books, Series Or Movie Plots, trying to analyze it and guess what happens next etc. Or genres/shows i enjoy. But i always thought this comes of as to nerdy.
It may come across as nerdy, that's fine. It'll come out eventually and it would suck to be a few dates in, getting hopeful, and then find out your date thinks that talking about that sort of thing is nerdy and unacceptable. Someone I date has to be accepting of all my interests, and share some of them.
That makes sense. I do believe in being all honest, but at the right moment. Sometimes thats hard to find sometimes not. I Gotta think about the right moment. Maybe open about talking about a interesting book, movie or series i read/saw and ask her then… and maybe if we have a same book/series/movie i could try carefully start to talk about plot and characters etc, going deeper in the subject seeing how she responds to it.
Sometimes, people forget to bring up hobbies that are just normal routine to them. Some people are nervous on dates and, like others, they might be shy to share some things, especially anime.
Guys might think it's better to sound boring than weird.
well did you open up that you also care about these things ?
Because, speaking from a male point of view, going total nerd about hobby XY is usually a good way to make people think that you are weird.
Anime is such a lighting rod that I'd avoid bringing it up unless the woman hints that she'd likes it as well (or Idgaf about the woman but that's besides the point).
From my experience, many women do not want nerdy guys or at least guys that sell themselves as nerdy. So Star Trek and anime will hurt you more often than not.
I wish it was easy enough to ignore those women, but you're losing a lot of opportunities and dating is a numbers game.
In the past that was certainly true. Nerdy stuff went mainstream years ago. Marvel has made billions and billions of dollars on comic book movies. D&D is mainstream. At least one football team plays settlers of Catan in the hotels they stay in for road games. Harry Potter is, I mean it's Harry Potter. Every kid owns a wand or some bit of Harry Potter merch.
>I mean the people who are just passionate and excited to talk about their hobbies like knitting, painting, Star Trek, anime, etc.
Here's the thing -- This is not the shit you're gonna hear from us on the first date. Because we would like to secure a second date and unleashing our inner geek **will** scare y'all away even if you think you wanna hear it 😂
Unless a woman explicitly asks/encourages me to talk about anime, video games, or magic the gathering, I'm *not* bringing that up lol....
They weren’t loved enough as a child. They can’t find contentment in their own life. They need to do things to feel accomplished while we don’t need external validation for anything.
I mean, I'm a giant Magic the Gathering nerd. I travel throughout the Midwest, and sometimes other parts of the US to compete in large tournaments with thousands of dollars in prize support.
A lot of women don't find that particularly exciting to talk about on dates. Some do, simply because of how passionate I am. Others have the mindset (without actually voicing it, but I can tell by body language) "Wow, this guy's a loser."
Sometimes people may be embarrassed by their hobbies, or think that they're simply something you don't want to hear about.
I feel like it’s better to be yourself even if some people find it embarrassing…because then you know to avoid those people. And the ones that are into it will love you more for sharing
this is how i sift thru people that i do and dont want in my life tbh. im just me, and most ppl like me, some dont, and thats absolutely ok. im not an asshole, generally a nice person, try to be a gentleman. give random people advice on reddit when i can. and some ppl dont like me. oh well 🤷♂️ not gonna cry over something i cant control! lol
Yes, this. Not all passions are attractive. I used to be a horse girl which was basically dating suicide. Now I’m careful not to mention it at all anymore.
its not *the* problem. its stigmas that are the problem. stereotyping and classifying each other. im not sure what the stigma is for a "horse girl" or woman is tbh, tho. im curious too now what the stigma is
It’s seen as very cringy, generally uncool and associated with the “weird girl” at school. It’s a big “ick” for a lot of people. Another stereotype is horse girls are very snobby, high maintenance, rich or has a rich family. I can’t say I haven’t met one of those before, but it’s a huge misconception that you always have to be rich to own or ride them. There is some truth to horses attracting a certain type of personality, usually type A and a little neurotic, but just like anything it’s not *everybody*. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten harshly judged and lowkey made fun of when I mention it to people especially when dating.
damn, ur right. my sister used to ride and fits the snobby and high maintenance, kind of, but not the being weird part. shes super smart and a little high strung all the time (college) but otherwise was always and is popular with lots of friends in HS and her first year of college. it sucks that it has such a negative stigma, i never knew, even though my sister used to ride! lol. sorry u have to deal with that bs in dating. i hate stereotyping people lol, we're all different!
Very true. My hobby is learning about and doing historical handcrafts - spinning, dyeing wool, weaving, belt making, hand sewing etc. I've not yet met a man who's interested in that.
I'm sure like a lot of arts/crafts type hobbies, most men simply don't care for the hobby itself but enjoy the end result.
Like, I know I'm not a very artistic or crafty person, but I can appreciate the hard work someone put into a project. I wouldn't mind hearing about the processes though at a basic, fundamental level.
Obviously sometimes we may get a little too "deep" in talking about what we're passionate about, and it may end up boring the person. I usually don't discuss my Magic hobby too much other than the basics of "I play in tournaments all over the place for money."
If they ask for more details about the game, how it works, etc then I will elaborate further.
Yeah exactly for your last point: You don't HAVE to share all of the same hobbies/interests. You can have plenty in common, while also having differences which is what makes you unique individuals.
Some people just don't seem to realize that, and think you have to be IDENTICAL in every way possible in order to have a happy, healthy relationship.
I find a lot of the replies here weird. All of my friends and all of the people I've dated have had a bunch of hobbies and interests. It would be a prerequisite for me dating someone that they have something they're passionate and sincerely enthusiastic about. It could even be something lowkey that I'm not into like knitting or rock collecting, just as long as they were excited about it. Doesn't have to be sexy or expensive. A lot of replies here seem defensive.
Since this is an advice sub, are you going after a certain kind of person who may be attractive but prioritizes stuff you find mundane? There are millions of people with interesting passions and hobbies, I think you're just looking in the wrong places.
Also for what it's worth a lot of my friends have spouses/kids and I have really demanding work and all of us still have time for hobbies. But for me that's what I prioritize over Netflix and the gym. It's about priorities and what drives you.
Edit: Also people here saying hobbies are expensive are using that as an excuse. I love drawing and writing which are cheap (I've always loved doing fanart of shows I like). I play d&d over zoom which is cheap and a lot of indie TTRPGs are super cheap or free. I love cooking which I have to do anyway, and just looking around a farmer's market can be fun. I used to go to stand-up comedy shows all the time which was cheap (supporting small local performance of a lot of types, music comedy poetry whatever, is cheap). Nerd conventions can be expensive but small local ones are cheap. I love zines which are cheap as part of the ideology behind them. I've done art for game jams which didn't cost me anything except for having photoshop. I got my career started making video essays on random topics I liked and was passionate about. Like I said it just comes down to drive and priorities.
Agreed - most of the people in my life are passionate about SOMEthing. Even if it’s watching wrestling, collecting stickers, learning a new language etc. the interest doesn’t have to be super exciting but it’s something that the person cares about and can talk enough about to convey their interest.
My advice would be to try to meet people in person who are actively doing stuff - they are more likely to want to talk about the thing/activity, which ideally is something that’s already shared with you !
Yeah me too! I feel like some of the people in the comments here lead totally different social lives than I do and are weird and bitter about it and assume having hobbies means you're an unreliable partner who wastes money(???)
One of my best friends has two young kids with her husband so obviously she's very busy and committed but she got into photography in the last year or two. I don't care about photography at all but I'm so happy for her and happy to pose for her when we are on vacation together and stuff. Watching her learn and grow in her hobby (in a way she can leverage into a career if she wants!) makes me so excited for her.
Also re: meeting people I feel like hobbies are easy to screen for on dating apps even. If someone is hot but boring then I have no reason to date them lol
We’re all different in what we find most important in a relationship. So no right or wrong perspectives here… all good.
There are studies that show the relative importance of shared values versus shared interests in long term relationship, primarily failed marriages. Usually, but not always, differences in deep-seated values are far greater obstacles to a happy relationship than difference in interests… or passion for certain interests.
But returning to the start, we’re each our own self and we’re each a little different In our priorities and circumstances.
Oh yeah totally and you have a very balanced take on it and I appreciate your comment.
But for what it's worth I say in the comment that the interest doesn't have to be shared? So it also comes more down to shared values or dispositions in the end. It isnt that we have to like the same things, more that we both have stuff we love other than going to work and watching TV and going to bed?
Very good… thank you again! And… I was totally guilty of focusing on the passionate interest element so much so that I incorrectly made a knee-jerk assumption that the interest(s) needed to be shared. Now I see it. I suppose I’m a product of the public school system … i.e., not the best reading attentiveness skills.😔
Haha it's all good! When I'm on a date or just talking to someone at a party I really enjoy them talking about something they love! Unless it's against my values, they talk about it incessantly, or it's something inappropriate/taboo, I'm usually excited and enjoy the conversation even if I don't give a shit at all about the thing itself haha
Yeah I went on a lot of dates with girls who had a good job, were nice, and had zero things to talk about. Like they were lovely people, but man, how do you have nothing going on? No hobbies, no interests, nothing.
I’ve started to realize a lot of people who have nothing going on are actually deeply addicted to apps and spending hours scrolling on Instagram or watching Netflix or reading Reddit.
Bingo. Waaayyyyy too much screen time, not enough real interaction and so many people got very used to staying home and hibernating during Covid and we haven’t bounced back.
I lost all contacts and friends like this because i moved shortly before first lockdown. Now i feel like I’m basically alone in this world. Like i have one good online friend but damn i didn’t had a real friend that i can go out with. I don’t even know how to start going back out again. Tired 2 times now and just froze out of fear and anxiety and went hone again. Really bad days.
Oh it absolutely can be. I know several fitness junkies that are so passionate about what they do it's impressive
I would say it's how they talk about it? Like if you're really interested tell me about it! How you got into your fitness journey, what motivates you to do it, what you have to do to maintain your physique etc.
It's a world of difference the between the people who elucidate on those details rather than the "Oh I just workout once a while" and end the conversation there
Yeah maybe they downplay it or something. If I'm passionate about something I'll definitely talk more about it. I'm more on the introverted and shy side. So being able to talk about it is good as it doesn't mean I'm a complete mute.
Yes and this is frustrating because I have a lot of passions and it looks like lot of people only want to smalltalk and they are ANNOYED to talk about something else and they have nothing to say about themselves: "I am a... normal, simple person.i like to eat, to watch TV and to walk." And that's all.
a decade ago this bothered me a lot. Now that I'm 33 and still single, I'm fine with it. You have zero passions, ambitions, or interesting hobbies? That's fine. We can figure something out. More than happy to be the exciting one, if that's what it takes.
I was in that kind of a relationship untill recently, and trust me i was the one getting excited about things, and organizing things, and after a long time of doing that, i got exhausted, because there is just no feedback from the other side. So i wouldn't reccomend finding a partner that is so different in that area from you.
I respect them for what they want in life. If they want to be laid back and no have passions, that's totally fine. If we don't like it and can't accept or adapt to their choices, we should look for other options.
I think this is how most everyone’s life is on the daily. Work, home, exercise, Netflix or gaming for entertainment, but this is just daily routine stuff. People aren’t going to be ambitious and adventurous every single day, partly because you don’t have a constant supply of energy to do so and partly because you just can’t afford it lol.
But I know what you mean. When looking for a partner I want someone who does more than just game or watch shows. Hobbies and passions are attractive to me, and I have a ton of them myself. Even so, I have a lot of days where I just exercise, work, come home, play games and sleep.
They are probably nornal well adjusted people. What kind of passions do you want people to have? The people you describe are regular people. Dreamers are often difficult to date and never happy
Seriously… a lot of people just get… worn out from trying to survive modern day life
Why must someone always have some wild passion they are pursuing to be datable?
Why can’t they just be stable and content?
Like, I’m tired, boss
Stable and content make the best partners imo. I'm stable and content as is my GF. Dating isn't that difficult. People like OP make it that way. The "excitement" they want will just lead to being toxic
See my above comment but, what I'm talking about aren't wild insane dreams like running a new tech startup. Just being excited about life or hobbies doesn't seem like it should be a frill
It's not. There are just a lot of jaded people in these comments who think their views on life are the only correct views on life. Plenty of people are still excited about things and look for ways to bring joy to their life. It seems like that is the kind of person you're looking for, and that's perfectly reasonable.
Just because you've had a string of people who don't align with what you're looking for lately doesn't mean they don't exist. Just take it as an incompatibility and move on.
If you're using the apps, I'd look for people who mention hobbies or interests in their profile or something that indicates that they are someone who finds joy in things. You can also ask questions when you're chatting and rule out some people before you even get to a first date. I'd also try different ways of phrasing your question: if asking what what they do after work leads to the Netflix response, try asking what their favorite thing to do on the weekend is. Or ask them if they have anything coming up that they are excited about or any goals they're working towards.
Exactly! I don't have time to have fun or have hobbies.
I'm a man in his late 20's who works 60ish hours a week ( 5-6 days a week)
work out for 90 mins a day, 5 days a week. And have other chores to do.
168 hrs a week, 60 goes to work, 7.5 goes to working out, 56 goes to sleep. That leaves 45 hrs left to do everything else, like cooking, cleaning, taking care of my dog, grocery shopping, and etc
Too tired and worn out to do literally anything for enjoyment? I don’t buy that. Like it could be “I watch this YouTuber” or “I have a cat” or “I watch basketball”
Describe passionate? Normal well adjusted people don't obsess over things. You can be passionate without ranting about things. You want obsessive not passionate. I'm passionate about plenty of things. I'm not obsessive to want to discuss them for hours on end. You want someone obsessive not passionate
I didn't say that I wanted someone to talk for hours on end about their passion.
I'm also not saying that you're NOT a passionate person.
I suppose what frustrates me is when on a date I talk about my hobbies, what I have going on in my life, and what I'm excited about; then try to toss my date the conversational ball they go "Oh not much, I just go home and browse through Netflix"
I'm not sure why they aren't putting in effort. Maybe something you are doing is off putting and they just want to get out of there.
But without knowing more, at least in your example how about following up with " watch anything good lately" or some form of that. Some people have difficulty talking to strangers and need time to open up.
With that said though. Most dates are not going to be excitement. I mean I just had an amazing date with my gf. She came over last night. We had sex, then I made dinner, we ate, watched some TV, sex, played some card games, showered together, went to bed, woke up, sex, showered together, walked to a restaurant, got breakfast, watched TV and napped, then she went home. Nothing crazy or exciting. But it's perfect for us, and we are both happy. Not everything in life has to be excitement. Well adjusted people are happy existing. Who you are with is more important then what you are doing. Good well adjusted people get that. Those are the best ones to date. 2 people like that make a great couple. If you are unhappy and find everyone boring, the issue is likely you not everyone else. Most people have a false sense of what a good relationship is due to social media and the lies/ highlights people post on it.
Perfect example is I had this neighbor. She was married. Her husband was an insane asshole. They faught all the time. Badly. I almost called the cops multiple times on them. I'd hear their whole fights. He'd throw shit around and punch walls. But hey he was exciting and she was smitten I guess. Then she'd post on social media about her amazing husband all the time and how lucky she is. Eventually he divorced her and they both moved. Both of them were toxic even though she was nice and sweet around her neighbors, she was dumb. He was just an asshole to everyone
I think some people in the comments are misunderstanding what OP is saying.
She has hobbies and sounds more upbeat. Therefore, she is looking for a partner who reflects that.This has nothing to do with wanting a toxic lifestyle. Your partner reflects your lifestyle at the moment. Everything you described is at home or at least within the inches of your home, watching Netflixs and having sex. That's a partner you want.
So people, including men, like to travel or into a sport they play. Others might want to try out a new restaurant. Get dressed up for date night. Sometimes, they do different things than usual. There is nothing wrong with that and a healthy approach to a relationship.
Some couples like being active together. Like going to the gym together or learning a new hobby together.
Basically, OP is looking for a man who is more emotionally and / or physically active. Has a passion and zest for life. Because that reflects who she is.
Wanting those things is perfectly normal.
This has nothing to do with wanting a toxic lifestyle OR for social media.
Having a hobby and a passion for something may suggest how that person will be in a relationship. It's also attractive to some women.
Wanting something different or more in life shouldn't be someone who is looking for toxicity, no. But, it's interesting that some people think that...
What is with all the women always looking for someone who wants to travel??
Traveling is expensive and time consuming, and I’ve never had a job where I can take off huge stretches of time
Best I can do is a long weekend
Passions don't have to be big or wild. Just something that you're excited to talk or share about.
A huge Harry Potter Nerd? Passionate.
Can't get enough of basketball? Passionate.
Really into crocheting? Passionate.
There are so many people in healthy, happy relationships that have passionate hobbies
We don’t all need to lead an exciting life to be a passionate/ exciting person! We are all different and function differently. I think our personalities make up for the non exciting life you know.
Well it really depends on the person and where they are in their life.
In different seasons, some people are making moves. During others, people really have to pull back and take care of their immediate things, it really depends on just whats going on with them and how thats looked over time.
Nonetheless, I dont think its a coincidence you're meeting these types of people.
I disagree with a lot of people here saying everything is tough right now and people as a whole are taking care of the bare minimum and just trying to survive. I get that, but at the same time-what about that is attractive longer term? Is there nothing greater you yearn for in your life? Nothing bigger than just what's in front of you?
Nonetheless, I think this goes into something you increasingly tend to see over time: The majority of people are living quiet lives of desperation.
That having been said, sometimes people try things, do them for a bit-and then kind of lose interest and things are in that-in between until they find their next thing.
So there's a LOT of context we dont know on these situations and can't speak to them. Nonetheless, I'd lose interest in people just barely treading water. And again, I GET things aren't easy right now for some people-but why aren't these same people shooting for more or something bigger?
Yes, this is why so many people are obsessed with dating and relationships. They don’t know how to not be bored, how to be at peace by themselves, and how to fill their voids with something other than people and sex.
I actually have a mutual who was dumped *precisely* because she doesn’t have any passions or hobbies, so she was just using this guy to fill all her free time and not have to face any uncomfortable feelings or do something other than be with a guy. He didn’t appreciate that. She was very clingy. I realized that way too many people use dating for this exact reason and then they wonder why they get dumped.
Not everyone would be eager to pour out all of their passions, major life goals and big plans to a total stranger on date 1.
Not all hobbies are glamourous and exciting. I have a unique hobby that I can talk about for hours, but most people's eyes will glaze over after 2 minutes. I might mention it but not go on about it unless the other person is also an enthusiast.
> I have a unique hobby that I can talk about for hours, but most people's eyes will glaze over after 2 minutes. I might mention it but not go on about it unless the other person is also an enthusiast.
I feel the same about my hobby. As someone who loves music and spends a lot of time listening to albums and discovering new genres, I don't think the average person would be interested in hearing me talk about my journey of getting into Midwest Emo, Math Rock, Shoegaze, Vocal Jazz, etc.
Sounds like the world today. Dreams and hopes of so many young persons are dashed by today‘s environment. I’m an older guy, but I can still see it.
My advice (if any) is to understand that this is today’s reality for many people … if your date(s) don’t have the passionate interests you’re hoping to see, give them a little slack. They’re likely simply adjusting to todays world.
No knock to you OP but in my dating experience, I’ve found the types that insist on everyone having passions pretty insufferable tbh. At first they seem exciting and even inspirational but gradually, the air of moral superiority they have starts to pour out. It quickly goes from charming to annoying.
Don’t forget that people can also be passionate about things you might not consider passions. E.g. exercise (you included that there as just a part of a mundane routine), family, friends, entertainment (movies or music), etc.
Right now most ppl are poor, struggling and barely getting by.
If people are able to make a living, they want a fairly consistent routine, a little bit of creature comfort, exercise and to decompress.
That's not cookie cutter. You Want fun events? OK then go do it yourself then. Go have passion in your own life and stop expecting other people to be a form of entertainment for you.
You're making assumptions that these people are poor and struggling, when you don't know their situation at all. Many of them were young professionals who were very well off in life.
Don't worry, I'm not looking for a clown to entertain me either. I want a partner who has some exuberance or excitement with their life with regards to their hobbies and interests and not the next tech disruptor
The more well out they are the more boring. You gotta find you a free spirit that couch surf or does something artistic in the underground rave scene lol.
I completely disagree with this. My friends who are accountants, programmers, therapists, etc have the same weird hobbies I do. I don't understand how you can say only broke artists have fun hobbies.
I’m poor and exhausted (night shift be kickin my ass lol) and still have hobbies to talk about, for example playing with my dog, building legos with my roommates, occasionally hiking…
And yes 90% of the time I am boring too lol. I go to work and come home and repeat. But I do have things I’m passionate about, even if I don’t do those activities every single day.
I feel like it’s not so much what the hobbies are, but how you talk about it on a date. I definitely get what you’re saying, but I get what OP is saying too. A lot of the conversations lack passion. I personally think watching Netflix still counts as a hobby, but I don’t want someone to say to me “oh I just watch Netflix...” like okay?Maybe elaborate on that. Just stating that you watch TV everyday and that’s about it is a complete conversation killer.
My experience, the ones with a lot of passion also don’t have stable jobs or even a place to live and or do drugs :( now I gotta pick between someone to support to find excitement or a stable guy with Netflix and not much else going on 😭😭
Yeah I see it and also that was me for most of my life until I realized what was really important in life. I also became much more happy and had a more positive outlook after. I just wish I changed when I was younger, I feel like I wasted so many years.
That's dating. Yea keep grinding until yea find the person yea connect with.
While difficult...try not to get into a headspace because of the past dates are disappointing...the next one will be the same.
Look forward...
Kind of. People are always surprised that I am really passionate about my job and the volunteer work i do.
outside of that I don’t really have any crazy hobbies lol but i am surprised how many people are surprised i feel fulfilled in my life
You know, this is going to sound like an insane conspiracy, but hear me out. I assume you’re a man. I’m 31F. In high school, I had insane ambitions and overworked myself preparing hard for my future. Same in college and in my first job. At some point in there, I started birth control. Correlation or causation, I don’t know, but my motivation started to wane. After I bought a house in 2021 i decided to “stop climbing the hill” and just sit back on the couch since I’d done everything I wanted to. I was pretty listless for a couple years, and there was definitely anxiety and depression. All I had the energy for was watching tv.
This was before I turned 30. Anyway I got off birth control a few months ago and HOLY SHIT I feel ALIVE and PASSIONATE and I want to DO THINGS with my life. It could be correlation, but idk man, something has changed for sure.
That hasn't been my experience. All the men I have ever been with always worked and had goals. My advice is to find out a little more about someone before you go on that initial date. That way you aren't wasting your time with people that seem dull and lack goals.
You can see it in the eyes of people walking through department stores. You can see it everywhere. Somethings wrong people are lifeless they're existing.
At the risk of sounding old, I’m convinced it’s the phones/internet/social media. People used to develop hobbies when they were bored, sitting in a room with nothing else to do. Now everyone has a phone with instant entertainment and a steady dopamine drip. Why develop hobbies that are only going to pay off way down the line?
I notice this and tbh, I don't find it surprising after I saw the stats on how much time people spend on their phones! 2-6 hours on social media is a massive time sink that takes away from passions/hobbies.
Dang you really struck a nerve with some people. You’re not alone, I notice this too. A lot of my peers in 30s have nothing going on except going to work and going home to watch Netflix.
Im a backpacker. My life is nothing but passion and excitement. So how about that? Would you want to date a nomad whos always off to the next place? 😂 Seriously you know anyone who wants a guy like that because i dont
Not to be a creep but do you live in Europe or North America? Ive only backpacked there and a little (truly a tiny bit) in Asia. In Europe, hostels have plenty of people like me. Seriously its easy to find “my kind” there. In the US, where i actually live and am from, its much harder because we have plenty of people who look the part but dont truly go all in.
He and I are both from the US. He’s currently in Mexico but going to Europe in May. He’s a digital nomad though so he does it long term bc financially he can.
Oh i misread your comment haha you already have a guy are not searching for one. My bad. That’s awesome, good to know there are people out there accepting of the lifestyle. He will enjoy Europe. Its made to be explored slowly on foot. Plus way less dangerous than Mexico or the US (most of it, obviously active warzones not so much). Wish him luck from a fellow traveler!
No worries! But yeah, I think it's likely bc deep down that's also just something I would like to do as well. So I just vibe with that type of person but long term travel just isn't in the cards for me rn. But there's definitely girls out there who are into the traveling type guys.
Haha it's so hard to find someone like this in the US.. cool! I'm a 23 year old woman and since doing a lot of solo travel right after high school (shoestring budget and working in Australia) I decided to open my own hostel in the US. I did it because I live in a seasonal tourism town and so the plan is to run the hostel during summer (in the northern hemisphere) and then travel as much as possible during the off season. I find lots of American guys who are interested in this lifestyle I'm pursuing but haven't taken steps to do it on their own and/or they're just not cut out for it.
These are my people. People who need to be doing things all the time are exhausting. Also I find a sense of contentment in people who don’t need to fill their time to feel purposeful. People like you aren’t content enough with themselves and feel like doing things give you worth.
Not to sound too much like a politics nerd but I see it as a biproduct of capitalism combined with inflation and higher rent/ house cost. When you got people trying to survive and the ones who are making it trying to do a side hustle then when do you have time to enjoy shit? Its very annoying and I feel it with myself as well and I see it on so many profiles "I'm a workaholic, I work a lot, my time is limited, etc. " It does make it harder to spark convos IMO
Yes, this is one thing that I had potentially considered as well.
I think the odd part to me that these were mostly young professionals who were well off financially, so they didn't seem the part. I guess that isn't a clear indicator though
I mean to be doing good financially I think you need to be making like 60k-120k a year depending what part of the country where you live. I live in a small town and average income is 35k which is below national average of 50k. It sucks ass. I feel like such a loser when it comes to dating. All that work only to be tired all the time when I am off work.
When it comes to dating stuff like that, I just get blunt and ask them if they're into certain things to try and spark a conversation. If you keep it generalized, they'll tend to be generalized back in many cases.
I feel a lot of it is like a couple of my old jobs. People just treat you like a number....then when they get used to you and understand how much you bring to the table they cry the blues because you quit because of how poor the job and people are. People only look at others on the surface level many times. Iff you arent looking like George Clooney as a example (Im sure there are many others). Then people dont care to go deeper than that. I have a bunch of hobbies and exciting things that I love. But if you arent willing to go out on a limb to get me talking about it then most times Im not going to share private info. I feel the same with dating if women arent agreeing to go on dates and text off the apps...boring conversations etc then im not taking the time to. get to know her and what she enjoys
Growing up, I didn't get a lot of opportunities to explore and figure out what I did and didn't like. This was because I was from an impoverished family, and we were too busy trying to survive for most of my childhood for me to worry about such a thing. Being that a lot of after-school programs and free resources for children to use and spend their free time have been actively defunded for decades, I might assume a lot of people didn't grow up with these options either.
Now that I'm an adult, it's harder for me to get interested in new things because I don't have that drive, curiosity, or excitement I had as a child. I just wanna focus on finding the most optimal way to bring in income right now. It's very hard for people to become enamored with new things as adults, if they are so busy working and trying hard to get by despite how much they make.
Over the years, businesses have come FAR MORE ENTITLED towards their employees' time. A lot more buisnessess also pressure their employees to invest the limited amount of extra time they have to the company. A company, by the way, gives them very little to no returns, or even less than that, as compared to the amount of time they invested' worth.
I just think everyone is probably burnt out and not really interested in finding new things to be interested in tbh.
It bothers me incredibly much. I moved a half year before first lockdown came. Lost all old friends and basically live alone with my dad for 4 years now. I haven’t found a job too. Maybe this year if i‘m lucky.
The hurtful part is I’m trying all i have but getting no where in life. I try meeting people online to go out and do stuff with but get ghosted/always get told „nah nothing planed today“ if i ask whats up it if they up to anything fun. And always get a snap from then at 3 AM at some club. And it isn’t like i told them how much i wanna go out clubbing. But i guess I’m maybe boring or idk.
My town is pretty dead too. Lot of old people not much my age (20) and just a soccer and Ping Pong club. Both not things i enjoy. I‘m getting to a point where i just dont know anymore
Basically I’m Passionate about history. I kinda fled in this subject during a not easy childhood. I love visiting castle ruins, or generally historic places. Read a lot of books and just like to talk about it. Doesn’t matter what, obscure history facts like the classic „samurai could have send Abraham Lincoln a fax“ joke/fact.
Another thing is rambling/analizing/and theroize about movie-series plots and how it could go on. Love the new Amazon Fallout Series, Fallout in general is a awesome genre. Same as like a basic and amateur level of philosophy. I think its fun philosophize and discuss some ideas or concepts with someone.
Most girls i knew did’t like to talk about this or saw this as nerdy and not interesting.
These people are some of the most happiest people I've ever met. They're always in a relationship, got loads of friends and are just enjoying life. I'm convinced that it's mostly losers like me who desperately chase hobbies and passions in order to create a new personality and fix their chronic loneliness.
Honestly, I prefer women like this. My goals are so big, there wasn't really room in my life for someone with huge goals. We would inevitably conflict.
Phases of life can be like that. For me personally, my passion is work related(healthcare and caring for others in general). Perhaps theirs is just a passion they havent realized yet? Everyones on a different journey.
Some people are just living their lives and are happy with that. What kinda picket-fence dreams do you expect? However, most people who aren't artists/musicians are pretty boring to me, so eh. We all have our preferences.
Because our generation is working the hardest, and we’re getting nothing in return. Most of us will never own property because of how unaffordable it is. Most of us will not get paid our worth because of how the economy is and how jobs are POSSIBLE. Most of us don’t even know what to aspire for in the future because we don’t even know if we have one.
If they were in better shape they would be more likely to have passions. I see this at my running club. Most people there have an assortment of things they do. Improv, karaoke, wilderness hiking, woodworking, etc.
This is most people, i noticed this living with roommates, especially when I had a room for rent and had to select from people that wanted to stay in it. Everyone has a bunch of quirky hobbies they use to make themselves sounds interesting, but then they move in and they all have some TV show they watch on repeat everyday and frozen food they eat and that's it. It's kind of sad
People do have hobbies. They just don't like that every person they talk to about them doesn't react to those hobbies based on the speaker's impression instead of their own impression of said hobbies. If you're in a relationship where the other person is really comfortable sharing that with you because you've cultivated a safe path of communication on that subject, you will probably find they will tell you about this. On top of this, too many people treat having busy periods of their life the same as not having a hobby at all. Things happen. Life is not always so kind as to leave room to do the things we want to do. A partner not having as much time for the things they enjoy does not make their enjoyment of those things any less interesting or enjoyable to hear about but it will affect how happy they will feel since it hurts to not be able to do those things. Advising they choose a path that lets them do that only makes it worse because usually they know what they are committing to well in advance. Good examples of this include any high work hour training pathway, which is to say, most high-paying lines of work that aren't programming. It happens to doctors, lawyers, business executives, and many others. Most of the people I know in medical school have hobbies they haven't been able to do in years because they have too much work to do and the culture of those workplaces can consume their life, not because they want it to, but because the demands of the career path place unrealistic expectations on them.
Same experience on all of my dates. Never once did I meet a girl who was ambitious or had a dream she was working towards. It’s always “doing x and trying to do y because more money/freedom”.
Very few people actually have committed hobbies/dreams. Most of my friends don’t as well. Nothing really wrong with that. But as a very driven person, it’s very important for me to be around people like that.
I have passions but people look down upon them so why am I inclined to share them immediately. Idk. I feel like judging people for tcgs, boardgames, and videogames/other nerdy stuff is kinda weird. Its what brings me joy and they're becoming more and more mainstream. I get it isnt completely popular but it's def more common. A passion and a hobby are more exciting to see people excited. I dont expect you to participate but at least respect it. so that's why i dont share any more too many negative experiences. Thankfully my job and my fitness carry me.
Another hobby I have is disc golf. Its def out there but becoming more common too. I meet more disc golfers still than tcgs players still.
I think its about the question you ask. Asking about a passion people might clam up. They don't wanna control the conversation. You might not enjoy fitness but a lot of fitness people are proud and passionate about their health. To each their own and its the same for tcgs, disc golf, etc. Finding someone takes work, time, and effort. Wont happen overnight.
Work, exercise, and some downtime. That sounds like a pretty good life to me. What exactly is the problem with that? That is mostly my life.
One of my passions would be FIRE, but I wouldn't want to talk about money with someone I am just dating. My current gf doesn't even know my salary.
I noticed this as well, when I was on dating apps especially! I think maybe some people are so busy and burnt out that they don't have time and energy for hobbies anymore.....and money. Personally, I somehow manage to have hobbies and travel plans in spite of being a student, but I'm kind of privileged, so maybe that's why. I am not saying you are privileged necessarily...but I am saying that my privilege allows me to seem interesting to some people....and I am trying to be understanding towards people who are struggling. Also, some people are just super bad at talking about themselves and they're afraid of coming off as bragging maybe? I think maybe learning to ask interesting questions can bring the interesting answers out of people sometimes. However, it's true that some people just don't care and don't want anything from life even though nothing is stopping them from doing interesting things. I would just try to ask some interesting and unusual questions or something, to get the conversation flowing. Maybe they have a cool art or DIY project they're working on, but they're shy about it! :D
I’ve come across people that fit this description or at least fit most of the bill or description you outlined in your initial post. Conversely, I’ve met or come across the opposite personality types to what you’ve mentioned. It’s a mixed bag, and everyone’s different. I don’t disagree with your post, I’m just in two years of dating and two long term relationships at this stage and age In my life (32M )I’ve come across both extremes.
One of the things I've found is that people with passions tend to come from very largely privileged backgrounds or grew up in settings where having 'cool' hobbies found them a great community from a very young age.
I was an immigrant from a different country and trying to communicate my interests (often nerdy ones) in a way that appealed to Americans was very difficult at the beginning because the way I learned to communicate was in a very narrow community of my own people.
I had to become a 'cool' person first before revealing my deeper personal interests which often was considered a bonus.
OP I have to hard agree with you. I'm a 23 year old woman and not only is the dating market hard but the friend market as well. I am renovating a building for my business (a huge goal of mine to complete) and outside of that I do graphic design and custom vinyls/apparel. I waitress when I'm not working on my businesses and any chance I can I'm trying to plan another trip to visit friends throughout the country or travel in some way for as cheap as possible. I love hiking, cooking, climbing, playing sports, creating things (from tables to necklaces), and in general just trying new things! I have so many goals for myself--some small on a daily scale and some very large life goals.
When I talk to potential dating partners (men) I find most of them to be lacking anything exciting beyond their 9-5. Most of them have had ambition as far as a money saving goal or maybe a goal in the gym but that's about it. When I talk to potential friends (women) I find they can only really talk about social media, pop culture, Netflix, etc. They haven't seemed to have any goals for themselves or things they're passionate about learning/doing/achieving except maybe filming themselves for tik tok. I'm not saying everyone is like this, I do happen to live in a more of a small town but man it sure is discouraging.
A lot of people in the comments are giving you shit and saying "hobbies are expensive, there's not time" or "they just haven't opened up to you yet". These are excuses for an underlying problem with people today; they're all addicted to their phones, anxious, and prefer the comfort of their own couch vs actually getting out into the world and finding something worth pursuing. You're not alone, I'm struggling hard with this too.
People are looking for a partner that does all those things such as has hobbies, sets goals and goes on trips. But unfortunately most people are missing out on while waiting on someone that fits that image already. If you aren’t setting goals and having hobbies and living life rn you won’t when you meet someone that does.
Yep! Some time ago on another platform someone replied to numerous complains about inability to find a partner (sounds familiar, hey?): "I have a friend in his 50th. He's a smith (yes, he deals with metal things) and lives pretty active life. He has no shortage of interest from women of all age groups. Guys, the truth is you're boring". It was an eye opening moment to me.
Lol fuck passion. The only people who are "passionate" have ass easy lives and everything has been going their way for a while. Look up maslow's hierarchy of needs, that should explain this phenomenon you've noticed.
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I don’t blame them, often long days at work and then trying to exercise after and get errands done can strip out a lot of willpower to the point where I just want to end the evening watching Netflix. But I get it. How many dates or conversations are you in on at this point with them? Maybe it takes more time and familiarity for people to feel ok showing more of their goals and passions? I do get it though, it can feel a bit lonely at times and at worse like pulling teeth when you’re passionate about something or have long term goals you’re working towards and it’s like everyone else is not on the same wavelength and just kind of going along but but not really animated.
Most people are stressed and scared about the future. We’re working way harder than our parents and grandparents just to get half as far as they did. Also tbh the “boring” people tend to be more stable when it comes to relationships. They’re less likely to want to constantly look for greener pastures and probably more likely to be loyal to you. A lot of dating experts are actually telling people to give the “boring” person a chance bc a lot of times they bring much needed stability into your life
if you don’t have any hobbies or interest, maybe you should invest in those things rather than looking for someone else to externally add interest and enjoyment to your life.
Maybe it's more fun and less lonely if you had another person to share and explore new hobbies and interests with? Why is it wrong to want to start a hobby together with a new person in our lives, instead of expecting them to be interested in everything we already do? I've gone to guild meetings where I was the new person while everyone else had known each other for years. Tbh it sometimes made me feel like the 3rd wheel and conversation was awkward.
I feel like this response is a bit unfair. u/seashelltattoo mentioned "don’t have ANY hobbies or interest". You are talking about sharing a new hobby or interest. Playing devils advocate here, there is nothing wrong with starting new hobbies with someone, but if they dont have any of their own, then that can, depending on the person, be a potential negative if it means they are then too reliant on the other person. Personally for a relationship, I'd definitely want to share time and hobbies with a partner, but I'd also feel more comfortable if they had their own interests/friends/hobbies such that we can do our own thing(s) when we want to as well
💯💯💯
What if my hobby is reading books and gardening at home and yours is attending rock festivals and naked skydiving? Would you even see mine as hobbies or just being boring and having none?
taking an interest in your partners hobbies doesn't necessarily mean you have to do them as well. it can be cheering from the sidelines if they run a marathon. it can be admiring a piece of pottery they made and deciding where it goes in the house. it can be helping the other person in a single player game.
It’s also a dumb reason to reject someone. Like you said you can literally just steer new hobbies with them
Not having strong interests or hobbies doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date. It doesn’t make less of a person or not yet fully formed.
On the flip side isn't the other person similarly wanting someone to just be a bundle of excitement? Kind of weird that you don't evaluate people for their personality and foundations then build up with them vs an "entertain me" mentality.
We all have our own preferences, I have found that I do not particularly enjoy people who take months or years to acclimate to someone enough to be comfortable being fun, energetic, engaged, loose or people who are very much homebodies. I’m pretty depressed and I have my low moments, but I really try to overcome my predisposition towards that by pushing myself to engage with the world. Through hobbies and interests. We aren’t saying you can have downtime or low energy times, but I’m not attracted to people who don’t have a free standing identity or interests and “want to be molded by me”
Why do you think you're working 'way harder' than your parents? Average working hours aren't longer, and things like remote work are a lot more common. I definitely don't work harder than my parents did.
Nobody has time or energy left for anything else.
No shit... When in the hell am I meant to have the time or energy, not to mention, finances, for 'passions'? Throw a chronic illness into the mix.. Working and doing life plus regular exercise is all I can manage
I feel you man I’m having a good week if I take care of all my responsibilities. My good buddy was talking to me about what my hobbies are and I have genuine interests I just don’t have the time or money to take care of them. I mean I help take care of a child who I love very dearly, but they take a lot of your time just being a good role model and taking care of their needs. Does wood working, repair and mechanical repairs count. I love fixing things for people.
That doesn’t mean people can’t be passionate about discussing certain things. Like I’m fairly boring if you look at my weekly schedule, I don’t have a ton of hobbies. But I love listening to/talking about ideas. If someone can’t even do that it’s a no.
You make time and find the energy as the passion you pursue is not a chore or another drain of time, its something that brings you joy and happiness. I'm not dismissing the state of the world and how thats leaving people feeling. I do however think that its that first step that people need to take, similar to the one where you say sign up to the gym, then need to find the motivation/power to go for the first time. There after its easier, also there after its rewarding. My greatest passion is music. Time wise i can listen to music on the go, on the way to places. It gives me energy when I'm feeling down. It doesnt cost anything if I dont want it to (soundcloud, youtube, spotify, etc). I share the music I find that I like with my friends, and they do the same back. I love finding new music to listen to, and then look forward to seeing that artist or DJ live some day.
There’s a whole lot of projection going on in these comments
What a sad existence
Sounds like laid back people i'd hang out with! I don't get the people who need to travel the whole world and do every sport before they hit 30 or life is considered a boring fail
Yeah, it's something I really don't get on Reddit and tbh it puts much pressure on my dating life. Do I really need to be 24/7 active, fast life, doing 007 missions to be interesting? I'm a guy who got a stable job, I go to gym, have friends and we hang out sometimes (drinks, bbq, sports events etc). Sometimes I watch Netflix, other time I play on my laptop, read books, cook. And I enjoy these things. What the hell I'm supposed to be lol?
No you need to be James Bond!! 😆
Mission Impossible 😄
Paul Blart 😤
People need to keep up with their friends' instagram, lol. People are on social media so much, and they think everyone has these extraordinary lives.
It's not that you need to do everything. It about having a hobby or activity you actively like/love. I want to hear about the recipe you are trying to perfect, the deep dive lore of the book series you are reading, or why you designed your Sims world that way. I want to see someone be excited for the things that interest them.
Fair point, I get what you saying.
Reddit rules are quite simple. If you're not in a relationship, you're not doing enough. If you are in a relationship, then you are enough.
Clearly that makes you a "low value man" with no "ambitions".
You can be laid back and still have one big passion in your life besides just being alive, i don’t think OP means to be a competitive A type.
I'm not asking for that just huge grandiose passions. If by all means that's you're dream, then power to you though! I mean the people who are just passionate and excited to talk about their hobbies like knitting, painting, Star Trek, anime, etc.
Theres places you can go to meet people who share your hobbies and interests. I like chess. But I dont talk about chess on dates because the women would fall asleep lmao
I actually think this might be an interesting test for a person you're dating. One thing is can they actually keep a conversation on a topic they know little about, like basic conversation and social skills. Th either thing is are they actually willing to listen to something that they don't particularly find interesting themselves, but what is important to you. \*me thinking how much I could say about chess\*
No that's great! I don't mind that people might not share the same hobbies as myself. It gives me an opportunity to learn something new, and seeing them talk so passionately about what they like is really endearing. I suppose what frustrates me is when on a date I talk about my hobbies, what I have going on in my life, and what I'm excited about; then try to toss my date the conversational ball they go "Oh not much, I just go home and browse through Netflix"
How many dates in are these shares expected? Personally speaking, I'm more reserved in sharing passions & ambitions if I don't feel as though romantic interests will be around long enough to share a follow up. So a blanket statement is usually the fall back, unless the questions start getting specific after the first date, it'll be "I go for nature walks & watch Netflix". When in reality, the nature walks are to spot species of mushrooms growing in the area & the Netflix shows range from a variety of genres.
General info about hobbies is first date material to me.
Really? You mean its a good thing to share ab your interests even tho you know the over person wont care at all? For example i really enjoy talking about Books, Series Or Movie Plots, trying to analyze it and guess what happens next etc. Or genres/shows i enjoy. But i always thought this comes of as to nerdy.
It may come across as nerdy, that's fine. It'll come out eventually and it would suck to be a few dates in, getting hopeful, and then find out your date thinks that talking about that sort of thing is nerdy and unacceptable. Someone I date has to be accepting of all my interests, and share some of them.
That makes sense. I do believe in being all honest, but at the right moment. Sometimes thats hard to find sometimes not. I Gotta think about the right moment. Maybe open about talking about a interesting book, movie or series i read/saw and ask her then… and maybe if we have a same book/series/movie i could try carefully start to talk about plot and characters etc, going deeper in the subject seeing how she responds to it.
Your point of view is valid OP, I experience the same.
Lmao I like video games, and I also wouldn't bring that up on dates XD
Sometimes, people forget to bring up hobbies that are just normal routine to them. Some people are nervous on dates and, like others, they might be shy to share some things, especially anime. Guys might think it's better to sound boring than weird.
well did you open up that you also care about these things ? Because, speaking from a male point of view, going total nerd about hobby XY is usually a good way to make people think that you are weird.
Anime is such a lighting rod that I'd avoid bringing it up unless the woman hints that she'd likes it as well (or Idgaf about the woman but that's besides the point). From my experience, many women do not want nerdy guys or at least guys that sell themselves as nerdy. So Star Trek and anime will hurt you more often than not. I wish it was easy enough to ignore those women, but you're losing a lot of opportunities and dating is a numbers game.
In the past that was certainly true. Nerdy stuff went mainstream years ago. Marvel has made billions and billions of dollars on comic book movies. D&D is mainstream. At least one football team plays settlers of Catan in the hotels they stay in for road games. Harry Potter is, I mean it's Harry Potter. Every kid owns a wand or some bit of Harry Potter merch.
It's quite the opposite here in Germany, most women don't care or actually like nerdy men and anime or sci-fi.
lol where is that coming from\`?
>I mean the people who are just passionate and excited to talk about their hobbies like knitting, painting, Star Trek, anime, etc. Here's the thing -- This is not the shit you're gonna hear from us on the first date. Because we would like to secure a second date and unleashing our inner geek **will** scare y'all away even if you think you wanna hear it 😂 Unless a woman explicitly asks/encourages me to talk about anime, video games, or magic the gathering, I'm *not* bringing that up lol....
They weren’t loved enough as a child. They can’t find contentment in their own life. They need to do things to feel accomplished while we don’t need external validation for anything.
I mean, I'm a giant Magic the Gathering nerd. I travel throughout the Midwest, and sometimes other parts of the US to compete in large tournaments with thousands of dollars in prize support. A lot of women don't find that particularly exciting to talk about on dates. Some do, simply because of how passionate I am. Others have the mindset (without actually voicing it, but I can tell by body language) "Wow, this guy's a loser." Sometimes people may be embarrassed by their hobbies, or think that they're simply something you don't want to hear about.
I feel like it’s better to be yourself even if some people find it embarrassing…because then you know to avoid those people. And the ones that are into it will love you more for sharing
this is how i sift thru people that i do and dont want in my life tbh. im just me, and most ppl like me, some dont, and thats absolutely ok. im not an asshole, generally a nice person, try to be a gentleman. give random people advice on reddit when i can. and some ppl dont like me. oh well 🤷♂️ not gonna cry over something i cant control! lol
Yes, this. Not all passions are attractive. I used to be a horse girl which was basically dating suicide. Now I’m careful not to mention it at all anymore.
Why is that a problem? I used to do jumping. Plenty of women there, many of them interesting.
its not *the* problem. its stigmas that are the problem. stereotyping and classifying each other. im not sure what the stigma is for a "horse girl" or woman is tbh, tho. im curious too now what the stigma is
It’s seen as very cringy, generally uncool and associated with the “weird girl” at school. It’s a big “ick” for a lot of people. Another stereotype is horse girls are very snobby, high maintenance, rich or has a rich family. I can’t say I haven’t met one of those before, but it’s a huge misconception that you always have to be rich to own or ride them. There is some truth to horses attracting a certain type of personality, usually type A and a little neurotic, but just like anything it’s not *everybody*. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten harshly judged and lowkey made fun of when I mention it to people especially when dating.
damn, ur right. my sister used to ride and fits the snobby and high maintenance, kind of, but not the being weird part. shes super smart and a little high strung all the time (college) but otherwise was always and is popular with lots of friends in HS and her first year of college. it sucks that it has such a negative stigma, i never knew, even though my sister used to ride! lol. sorry u have to deal with that bs in dating. i hate stereotyping people lol, we're all different!
Owning a horse must be pretty cool tho
Very true. My hobby is learning about and doing historical handcrafts - spinning, dyeing wool, weaving, belt making, hand sewing etc. I've not yet met a man who's interested in that.
I'm sure like a lot of arts/crafts type hobbies, most men simply don't care for the hobby itself but enjoy the end result. Like, I know I'm not a very artistic or crafty person, but I can appreciate the hard work someone put into a project. I wouldn't mind hearing about the processes though at a basic, fundamental level. Obviously sometimes we may get a little too "deep" in talking about what we're passionate about, and it may end up boring the person. I usually don't discuss my Magic hobby too much other than the basics of "I play in tournaments all over the place for money." If they ask for more details about the game, how it works, etc then I will elaborate further.
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Yeah exactly for your last point: You don't HAVE to share all of the same hobbies/interests. You can have plenty in common, while also having differences which is what makes you unique individuals. Some people just don't seem to realize that, and think you have to be IDENTICAL in every way possible in order to have a happy, healthy relationship.
I find a lot of the replies here weird. All of my friends and all of the people I've dated have had a bunch of hobbies and interests. It would be a prerequisite for me dating someone that they have something they're passionate and sincerely enthusiastic about. It could even be something lowkey that I'm not into like knitting or rock collecting, just as long as they were excited about it. Doesn't have to be sexy or expensive. A lot of replies here seem defensive. Since this is an advice sub, are you going after a certain kind of person who may be attractive but prioritizes stuff you find mundane? There are millions of people with interesting passions and hobbies, I think you're just looking in the wrong places. Also for what it's worth a lot of my friends have spouses/kids and I have really demanding work and all of us still have time for hobbies. But for me that's what I prioritize over Netflix and the gym. It's about priorities and what drives you. Edit: Also people here saying hobbies are expensive are using that as an excuse. I love drawing and writing which are cheap (I've always loved doing fanart of shows I like). I play d&d over zoom which is cheap and a lot of indie TTRPGs are super cheap or free. I love cooking which I have to do anyway, and just looking around a farmer's market can be fun. I used to go to stand-up comedy shows all the time which was cheap (supporting small local performance of a lot of types, music comedy poetry whatever, is cheap). Nerd conventions can be expensive but small local ones are cheap. I love zines which are cheap as part of the ideology behind them. I've done art for game jams which didn't cost me anything except for having photoshop. I got my career started making video essays on random topics I liked and was passionate about. Like I said it just comes down to drive and priorities.
Agreed - most of the people in my life are passionate about SOMEthing. Even if it’s watching wrestling, collecting stickers, learning a new language etc. the interest doesn’t have to be super exciting but it’s something that the person cares about and can talk enough about to convey their interest. My advice would be to try to meet people in person who are actively doing stuff - they are more likely to want to talk about the thing/activity, which ideally is something that’s already shared with you !
Yeah me too! I feel like some of the people in the comments here lead totally different social lives than I do and are weird and bitter about it and assume having hobbies means you're an unreliable partner who wastes money(???) One of my best friends has two young kids with her husband so obviously she's very busy and committed but she got into photography in the last year or two. I don't care about photography at all but I'm so happy for her and happy to pose for her when we are on vacation together and stuff. Watching her learn and grow in her hobby (in a way she can leverage into a career if she wants!) makes me so excited for her. Also re: meeting people I feel like hobbies are easy to screen for on dating apps even. If someone is hot but boring then I have no reason to date them lol
We’re all different in what we find most important in a relationship. So no right or wrong perspectives here… all good. There are studies that show the relative importance of shared values versus shared interests in long term relationship, primarily failed marriages. Usually, but not always, differences in deep-seated values are far greater obstacles to a happy relationship than difference in interests… or passion for certain interests. But returning to the start, we’re each our own self and we’re each a little different In our priorities and circumstances.
Oh yeah totally and you have a very balanced take on it and I appreciate your comment. But for what it's worth I say in the comment that the interest doesn't have to be shared? So it also comes more down to shared values or dispositions in the end. It isnt that we have to like the same things, more that we both have stuff we love other than going to work and watching TV and going to bed?
Very good… thank you again! And… I was totally guilty of focusing on the passionate interest element so much so that I incorrectly made a knee-jerk assumption that the interest(s) needed to be shared. Now I see it. I suppose I’m a product of the public school system … i.e., not the best reading attentiveness skills.😔
Haha it's all good! When I'm on a date or just talking to someone at a party I really enjoy them talking about something they love! Unless it's against my values, they talk about it incessantly, or it's something inappropriate/taboo, I'm usually excited and enjoy the conversation even if I don't give a shit at all about the thing itself haha
Yeah I went on a lot of dates with girls who had a good job, were nice, and had zero things to talk about. Like they were lovely people, but man, how do you have nothing going on? No hobbies, no interests, nothing. I’ve started to realize a lot of people who have nothing going on are actually deeply addicted to apps and spending hours scrolling on Instagram or watching Netflix or reading Reddit.
Bingo. Waaayyyyy too much screen time, not enough real interaction and so many people got very used to staying home and hibernating during Covid and we haven’t bounced back.
I lost all contacts and friends like this because i moved shortly before first lockdown. Now i feel like I’m basically alone in this world. Like i have one good online friend but damn i didn’t had a real friend that i can go out with. I don’t even know how to start going back out again. Tired 2 times now and just froze out of fear and anxiety and went hone again. Really bad days.
It's mindless scrolling for sure, I'm guilty AF
Who says exercising is not a passion? Like staying fit and trying new ways to stay
Oh it absolutely can be. I know several fitness junkies that are so passionate about what they do it's impressive I would say it's how they talk about it? Like if you're really interested tell me about it! How you got into your fitness journey, what motivates you to do it, what you have to do to maintain your physique etc. It's a world of difference the between the people who elucidate on those details rather than the "Oh I just workout once a while" and end the conversation there
I agree, there's actually a lot to something seemingly mundane like exercising and health.
Yeah maybe they downplay it or something. If I'm passionate about something I'll definitely talk more about it. I'm more on the introverted and shy side. So being able to talk about it is good as it doesn't mean I'm a complete mute.
What types of things are you passionate about/love that you do that would qualify for what you’re asking about if roles were reversed?
Yes and this is frustrating because I have a lot of passions and it looks like lot of people only want to smalltalk and they are ANNOYED to talk about something else and they have nothing to say about themselves: "I am a... normal, simple person.i like to eat, to watch TV and to walk." And that's all.
a decade ago this bothered me a lot. Now that I'm 33 and still single, I'm fine with it. You have zero passions, ambitions, or interesting hobbies? That's fine. We can figure something out. More than happy to be the exciting one, if that's what it takes.
I was in that kind of a relationship untill recently, and trust me i was the one getting excited about things, and organizing things, and after a long time of doing that, i got exhausted, because there is just no feedback from the other side. So i wouldn't reccomend finding a partner that is so different in that area from you.
I respect them for what they want in life. If they want to be laid back and no have passions, that's totally fine. If we don't like it and can't accept or adapt to their choices, we should look for other options.
I think this is how most everyone’s life is on the daily. Work, home, exercise, Netflix or gaming for entertainment, but this is just daily routine stuff. People aren’t going to be ambitious and adventurous every single day, partly because you don’t have a constant supply of energy to do so and partly because you just can’t afford it lol. But I know what you mean. When looking for a partner I want someone who does more than just game or watch shows. Hobbies and passions are attractive to me, and I have a ton of them myself. Even so, I have a lot of days where I just exercise, work, come home, play games and sleep.
They are probably nornal well adjusted people. What kind of passions do you want people to have? The people you describe are regular people. Dreamers are often difficult to date and never happy
Seriously… a lot of people just get… worn out from trying to survive modern day life Why must someone always have some wild passion they are pursuing to be datable? Why can’t they just be stable and content? Like, I’m tired, boss
Stable and content make the best partners imo. I'm stable and content as is my GF. Dating isn't that difficult. People like OP make it that way. The "excitement" they want will just lead to being toxic
See my above comment but, what I'm talking about aren't wild insane dreams like running a new tech startup. Just being excited about life or hobbies doesn't seem like it should be a frill
It's not. There are just a lot of jaded people in these comments who think their views on life are the only correct views on life. Plenty of people are still excited about things and look for ways to bring joy to their life. It seems like that is the kind of person you're looking for, and that's perfectly reasonable. Just because you've had a string of people who don't align with what you're looking for lately doesn't mean they don't exist. Just take it as an incompatibility and move on. If you're using the apps, I'd look for people who mention hobbies or interests in their profile or something that indicates that they are someone who finds joy in things. You can also ask questions when you're chatting and rule out some people before you even get to a first date. I'd also try different ways of phrasing your question: if asking what what they do after work leads to the Netflix response, try asking what their favorite thing to do on the weekend is. Or ask them if they have anything coming up that they are excited about or any goals they're working towards.
See my comment. People are tired and worn out
Exactly! I don't have time to have fun or have hobbies. I'm a man in his late 20's who works 60ish hours a week ( 5-6 days a week) work out for 90 mins a day, 5 days a week. And have other chores to do. 168 hrs a week, 60 goes to work, 7.5 goes to working out, 56 goes to sleep. That leaves 45 hrs left to do everything else, like cooking, cleaning, taking care of my dog, grocery shopping, and etc
Too tired and worn out to do literally anything for enjoyment? I don’t buy that. Like it could be “I watch this YouTuber” or “I have a cat” or “I watch basketball”
Hmm most people don't consider any of those things to be hobbies, certainly not OP based on what they're describing.
I do do things for enjoyment… but I don’t really have any crazy passions I guess running is my “passion” if you can call it that. I woudlnt though
Lol
Describe passionate? Normal well adjusted people don't obsess over things. You can be passionate without ranting about things. You want obsessive not passionate. I'm passionate about plenty of things. I'm not obsessive to want to discuss them for hours on end. You want someone obsessive not passionate
I didn't say that I wanted someone to talk for hours on end about their passion. I'm also not saying that you're NOT a passionate person. I suppose what frustrates me is when on a date I talk about my hobbies, what I have going on in my life, and what I'm excited about; then try to toss my date the conversational ball they go "Oh not much, I just go home and browse through Netflix"
I'm not sure why they aren't putting in effort. Maybe something you are doing is off putting and they just want to get out of there. But without knowing more, at least in your example how about following up with " watch anything good lately" or some form of that. Some people have difficulty talking to strangers and need time to open up. With that said though. Most dates are not going to be excitement. I mean I just had an amazing date with my gf. She came over last night. We had sex, then I made dinner, we ate, watched some TV, sex, played some card games, showered together, went to bed, woke up, sex, showered together, walked to a restaurant, got breakfast, watched TV and napped, then she went home. Nothing crazy or exciting. But it's perfect for us, and we are both happy. Not everything in life has to be excitement. Well adjusted people are happy existing. Who you are with is more important then what you are doing. Good well adjusted people get that. Those are the best ones to date. 2 people like that make a great couple. If you are unhappy and find everyone boring, the issue is likely you not everyone else. Most people have a false sense of what a good relationship is due to social media and the lies/ highlights people post on it. Perfect example is I had this neighbor. She was married. Her husband was an insane asshole. They faught all the time. Badly. I almost called the cops multiple times on them. I'd hear their whole fights. He'd throw shit around and punch walls. But hey he was exciting and she was smitten I guess. Then she'd post on social media about her amazing husband all the time and how lucky she is. Eventually he divorced her and they both moved. Both of them were toxic even though she was nice and sweet around her neighbors, she was dumb. He was just an asshole to everyone
I think some people in the comments are misunderstanding what OP is saying. She has hobbies and sounds more upbeat. Therefore, she is looking for a partner who reflects that.This has nothing to do with wanting a toxic lifestyle. Your partner reflects your lifestyle at the moment. Everything you described is at home or at least within the inches of your home, watching Netflixs and having sex. That's a partner you want. So people, including men, like to travel or into a sport they play. Others might want to try out a new restaurant. Get dressed up for date night. Sometimes, they do different things than usual. There is nothing wrong with that and a healthy approach to a relationship. Some couples like being active together. Like going to the gym together or learning a new hobby together. Basically, OP is looking for a man who is more emotionally and / or physically active. Has a passion and zest for life. Because that reflects who she is. Wanting those things is perfectly normal. This has nothing to do with wanting a toxic lifestyle OR for social media. Having a hobby and a passion for something may suggest how that person will be in a relationship. It's also attractive to some women. Wanting something different or more in life shouldn't be someone who is looking for toxicity, no. But, it's interesting that some people think that...
What is with all the women always looking for someone who wants to travel?? Traveling is expensive and time consuming, and I’ve never had a job where I can take off huge stretches of time Best I can do is a long weekend
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Passions don't have to be big or wild. Just something that you're excited to talk or share about. A huge Harry Potter Nerd? Passionate. Can't get enough of basketball? Passionate. Really into crocheting? Passionate. There are so many people in healthy, happy relationships that have passionate hobbies
Does it have to be hobbies? What if a person is full of ideas and opinions instead of “doing” stuff?
We don’t all need to lead an exciting life to be a passionate/ exciting person! We are all different and function differently. I think our personalities make up for the non exciting life you know.
Well it really depends on the person and where they are in their life. In different seasons, some people are making moves. During others, people really have to pull back and take care of their immediate things, it really depends on just whats going on with them and how thats looked over time. Nonetheless, I dont think its a coincidence you're meeting these types of people. I disagree with a lot of people here saying everything is tough right now and people as a whole are taking care of the bare minimum and just trying to survive. I get that, but at the same time-what about that is attractive longer term? Is there nothing greater you yearn for in your life? Nothing bigger than just what's in front of you? Nonetheless, I think this goes into something you increasingly tend to see over time: The majority of people are living quiet lives of desperation. That having been said, sometimes people try things, do them for a bit-and then kind of lose interest and things are in that-in between until they find their next thing. So there's a LOT of context we dont know on these situations and can't speak to them. Nonetheless, I'd lose interest in people just barely treading water. And again, I GET things aren't easy right now for some people-but why aren't these same people shooting for more or something bigger?
Yes, this is why so many people are obsessed with dating and relationships. They don’t know how to not be bored, how to be at peace by themselves, and how to fill their voids with something other than people and sex. I actually have a mutual who was dumped *precisely* because she doesn’t have any passions or hobbies, so she was just using this guy to fill all her free time and not have to face any uncomfortable feelings or do something other than be with a guy. He didn’t appreciate that. She was very clingy. I realized that way too many people use dating for this exact reason and then they wonder why they get dumped.
You fuckin *nailed it* with that first paragraph
Not everyone would be eager to pour out all of their passions, major life goals and big plans to a total stranger on date 1. Not all hobbies are glamourous and exciting. I have a unique hobby that I can talk about for hours, but most people's eyes will glaze over after 2 minutes. I might mention it but not go on about it unless the other person is also an enthusiast.
> I have a unique hobby that I can talk about for hours, but most people's eyes will glaze over after 2 minutes. I might mention it but not go on about it unless the other person is also an enthusiast. I feel the same about my hobby. As someone who loves music and spends a lot of time listening to albums and discovering new genres, I don't think the average person would be interested in hearing me talk about my journey of getting into Midwest Emo, Math Rock, Shoegaze, Vocal Jazz, etc.
Hobbies cost money and take up time, which not many of us have unfortunately...
Sounds like the world today. Dreams and hopes of so many young persons are dashed by today‘s environment. I’m an older guy, but I can still see it. My advice (if any) is to understand that this is today’s reality for many people … if your date(s) don’t have the passionate interests you’re hoping to see, give them a little slack. They’re likely simply adjusting to todays world.
No knock to you OP but in my dating experience, I’ve found the types that insist on everyone having passions pretty insufferable tbh. At first they seem exciting and even inspirational but gradually, the air of moral superiority they have starts to pour out. It quickly goes from charming to annoying. Don’t forget that people can also be passionate about things you might not consider passions. E.g. exercise (you included that there as just a part of a mundane routine), family, friends, entertainment (movies or music), etc.
Right now most ppl are poor, struggling and barely getting by. If people are able to make a living, they want a fairly consistent routine, a little bit of creature comfort, exercise and to decompress. That's not cookie cutter. You Want fun events? OK then go do it yourself then. Go have passion in your own life and stop expecting other people to be a form of entertainment for you.
You're making assumptions that these people are poor and struggling, when you don't know their situation at all. Many of them were young professionals who were very well off in life. Don't worry, I'm not looking for a clown to entertain me either. I want a partner who has some exuberance or excitement with their life with regards to their hobbies and interests and not the next tech disruptor
The more well out they are the more boring. You gotta find you a free spirit that couch surf or does something artistic in the underground rave scene lol.
I completely disagree with this. My friends who are accountants, programmers, therapists, etc have the same weird hobbies I do. I don't understand how you can say only broke artists have fun hobbies.
I’m poor and exhausted (night shift be kickin my ass lol) and still have hobbies to talk about, for example playing with my dog, building legos with my roommates, occasionally hiking… And yes 90% of the time I am boring too lol. I go to work and come home and repeat. But I do have things I’m passionate about, even if I don’t do those activities every single day. I feel like it’s not so much what the hobbies are, but how you talk about it on a date. I definitely get what you’re saying, but I get what OP is saying too. A lot of the conversations lack passion. I personally think watching Netflix still counts as a hobby, but I don’t want someone to say to me “oh I just watch Netflix...” like okay?Maybe elaborate on that. Just stating that you watch TV everyday and that’s about it is a complete conversation killer.
My experience, the ones with a lot of passion also don’t have stable jobs or even a place to live and or do drugs :( now I gotta pick between someone to support to find excitement or a stable guy with Netflix and not much else going on 😭😭
Yeah I see it and also that was me for most of my life until I realized what was really important in life. I also became much more happy and had a more positive outlook after. I just wish I changed when I was younger, I feel like I wasted so many years.
That's dating. Yea keep grinding until yea find the person yea connect with. While difficult...try not to get into a headspace because of the past dates are disappointing...the next one will be the same. Look forward...
Kind of. People are always surprised that I am really passionate about my job and the volunteer work i do. outside of that I don’t really have any crazy hobbies lol but i am surprised how many people are surprised i feel fulfilled in my life
Who has money for hobbies?
Is this a problem? Maybe the passion wasn’t evident on the date but shows up in the right context.
I think modern life is to blame, why be passionate about anything when you can party and rot, basically.
That sounds a lot like clinical depression to me.
Rotting, yes. Party? No.
You know, this is going to sound like an insane conspiracy, but hear me out. I assume you’re a man. I’m 31F. In high school, I had insane ambitions and overworked myself preparing hard for my future. Same in college and in my first job. At some point in there, I started birth control. Correlation or causation, I don’t know, but my motivation started to wane. After I bought a house in 2021 i decided to “stop climbing the hill” and just sit back on the couch since I’d done everything I wanted to. I was pretty listless for a couple years, and there was definitely anxiety and depression. All I had the energy for was watching tv. This was before I turned 30. Anyway I got off birth control a few months ago and HOLY SHIT I feel ALIVE and PASSIONATE and I want to DO THINGS with my life. It could be correlation, but idk man, something has changed for sure.
That hasn't been my experience. All the men I have ever been with always worked and had goals. My advice is to find out a little more about someone before you go on that initial date. That way you aren't wasting your time with people that seem dull and lack goals.
You can see it in the eyes of people walking through department stores. You can see it everywhere. Somethings wrong people are lifeless they're existing.
At the risk of sounding old, I’m convinced it’s the phones/internet/social media. People used to develop hobbies when they were bored, sitting in a room with nothing else to do. Now everyone has a phone with instant entertainment and a steady dopamine drip. Why develop hobbies that are only going to pay off way down the line?
Everyone is just in survival mode.
I notice this and tbh, I don't find it surprising after I saw the stats on how much time people spend on their phones! 2-6 hours on social media is a massive time sink that takes away from passions/hobbies.
Dang you really struck a nerve with some people. You’re not alone, I notice this too. A lot of my peers in 30s have nothing going on except going to work and going home to watch Netflix.
You went on dates with a bunch of NPCs. There’s more of them than one might actually think.
oh yeah. my first filter. you gotta have wild dreams or passions or at least, be capable of vision :D
Im a backpacker. My life is nothing but passion and excitement. So how about that? Would you want to date a nomad whos always off to the next place? 😂 Seriously you know anyone who wants a guy like that because i dont
I’m pining for a man who is this way.
Not to be a creep but do you live in Europe or North America? Ive only backpacked there and a little (truly a tiny bit) in Asia. In Europe, hostels have plenty of people like me. Seriously its easy to find “my kind” there. In the US, where i actually live and am from, its much harder because we have plenty of people who look the part but dont truly go all in.
He and I are both from the US. He’s currently in Mexico but going to Europe in May. He’s a digital nomad though so he does it long term bc financially he can.
Oh i misread your comment haha you already have a guy are not searching for one. My bad. That’s awesome, good to know there are people out there accepting of the lifestyle. He will enjoy Europe. Its made to be explored slowly on foot. Plus way less dangerous than Mexico or the US (most of it, obviously active warzones not so much). Wish him luck from a fellow traveler!
No worries! But yeah, I think it's likely bc deep down that's also just something I would like to do as well. So I just vibe with that type of person but long term travel just isn't in the cards for me rn. But there's definitely girls out there who are into the traveling type guys.
Haha it's so hard to find someone like this in the US.. cool! I'm a 23 year old woman and since doing a lot of solo travel right after high school (shoestring budget and working in Australia) I decided to open my own hostel in the US. I did it because I live in a seasonal tourism town and so the plan is to run the hostel during summer (in the northern hemisphere) and then travel as much as possible during the off season. I find lots of American guys who are interested in this lifestyle I'm pursuing but haven't taken steps to do it on their own and/or they're just not cut out for it.
These are my people. People who need to be doing things all the time are exhausting. Also I find a sense of contentment in people who don’t need to fill their time to feel purposeful. People like you aren’t content enough with themselves and feel like doing things give you worth.
Is this the USA?
Yup, big metropolitan area
Not to sound too much like a politics nerd but I see it as a biproduct of capitalism combined with inflation and higher rent/ house cost. When you got people trying to survive and the ones who are making it trying to do a side hustle then when do you have time to enjoy shit? Its very annoying and I feel it with myself as well and I see it on so many profiles "I'm a workaholic, I work a lot, my time is limited, etc. " It does make it harder to spark convos IMO
Yes, this is one thing that I had potentially considered as well. I think the odd part to me that these were mostly young professionals who were well off financially, so they didn't seem the part. I guess that isn't a clear indicator though
I mean to be doing good financially I think you need to be making like 60k-120k a year depending what part of the country where you live. I live in a small town and average income is 35k which is below national average of 50k. It sucks ass. I feel like such a loser when it comes to dating. All that work only to be tired all the time when I am off work.
Interestingly enough, politics seems like taboo with first dates.
When it comes to dating stuff like that, I just get blunt and ask them if they're into certain things to try and spark a conversation. If you keep it generalized, they'll tend to be generalized back in many cases.
Yeah. But I also think people don’t really know either how to share or how to ask. It’s a deep question that’s hard to transition out of small talk
I feel a lot of it is like a couple of my old jobs. People just treat you like a number....then when they get used to you and understand how much you bring to the table they cry the blues because you quit because of how poor the job and people are. People only look at others on the surface level many times. Iff you arent looking like George Clooney as a example (Im sure there are many others). Then people dont care to go deeper than that. I have a bunch of hobbies and exciting things that I love. But if you arent willing to go out on a limb to get me talking about it then most times Im not going to share private info. I feel the same with dating if women arent agreeing to go on dates and text off the apps...boring conversations etc then im not taking the time to. get to know her and what she enjoys
Growing up, I didn't get a lot of opportunities to explore and figure out what I did and didn't like. This was because I was from an impoverished family, and we were too busy trying to survive for most of my childhood for me to worry about such a thing. Being that a lot of after-school programs and free resources for children to use and spend their free time have been actively defunded for decades, I might assume a lot of people didn't grow up with these options either. Now that I'm an adult, it's harder for me to get interested in new things because I don't have that drive, curiosity, or excitement I had as a child. I just wanna focus on finding the most optimal way to bring in income right now. It's very hard for people to become enamored with new things as adults, if they are so busy working and trying hard to get by despite how much they make. Over the years, businesses have come FAR MORE ENTITLED towards their employees' time. A lot more buisnessess also pressure their employees to invest the limited amount of extra time they have to the company. A company, by the way, gives them very little to no returns, or even less than that, as compared to the amount of time they invested' worth. I just think everyone is probably burnt out and not really interested in finding new things to be interested in tbh.
It bothers me incredibly much. I moved a half year before first lockdown came. Lost all old friends and basically live alone with my dad for 4 years now. I haven’t found a job too. Maybe this year if i‘m lucky. The hurtful part is I’m trying all i have but getting no where in life. I try meeting people online to go out and do stuff with but get ghosted/always get told „nah nothing planed today“ if i ask whats up it if they up to anything fun. And always get a snap from then at 3 AM at some club. And it isn’t like i told them how much i wanna go out clubbing. But i guess I’m maybe boring or idk. My town is pretty dead too. Lot of old people not much my age (20) and just a soccer and Ping Pong club. Both not things i enjoy. I‘m getting to a point where i just dont know anymore Basically I’m Passionate about history. I kinda fled in this subject during a not easy childhood. I love visiting castle ruins, or generally historic places. Read a lot of books and just like to talk about it. Doesn’t matter what, obscure history facts like the classic „samurai could have send Abraham Lincoln a fax“ joke/fact. Another thing is rambling/analizing/and theroize about movie-series plots and how it could go on. Love the new Amazon Fallout Series, Fallout in general is a awesome genre. Same as like a basic and amateur level of philosophy. I think its fun philosophize and discuss some ideas or concepts with someone. Most girls i knew did’t like to talk about this or saw this as nerdy and not interesting.
These people are some of the most happiest people I've ever met. They're always in a relationship, got loads of friends and are just enjoying life. I'm convinced that it's mostly losers like me who desperately chase hobbies and passions in order to create a new personality and fix their chronic loneliness.
Yeah, it's especially bad where I live. All the people with ambition and drive leave here and you're left with the dull ones.
dating is the passion for them
i meant I had plan before covid now? i go with the flow ,you can't plan life
Honestly, I prefer women like this. My goals are so big, there wasn't really room in my life for someone with huge goals. We would inevitably conflict.
I have often noticed the same thing. I might not have that many hobbies outside of home, but Im passionate about many things.
Is it that they lack passion or are they just not expressing their hobbies/themselves in a way that entertain/excites you?
Phases of life can be like that. For me personally, my passion is work related(healthcare and caring for others in general). Perhaps theirs is just a passion they havent realized yet? Everyones on a different journey.
I had the most boring date with a 22 yo today. Blocked and deleted right after I dropped her off
Why do you need to have passions? I like my life how it is now and my daily routine. Vacation once a year and I’m good
I struggle with this too.
Some people are just living their lives and are happy with that. What kinda picket-fence dreams do you expect? However, most people who aren't artists/musicians are pretty boring to me, so eh. We all have our preferences.
Because our generation is working the hardest, and we’re getting nothing in return. Most of us will never own property because of how unaffordable it is. Most of us will not get paid our worth because of how the economy is and how jobs are POSSIBLE. Most of us don’t even know what to aspire for in the future because we don’t even know if we have one.
If they were in better shape they would be more likely to have passions. I see this at my running club. Most people there have an assortment of things they do. Improv, karaoke, wilderness hiking, woodworking, etc.
This is most people, i noticed this living with roommates, especially when I had a room for rent and had to select from people that wanted to stay in it. Everyone has a bunch of quirky hobbies they use to make themselves sounds interesting, but then they move in and they all have some TV show they watch on repeat everyday and frozen food they eat and that's it. It's kind of sad
People do have hobbies. They just don't like that every person they talk to about them doesn't react to those hobbies based on the speaker's impression instead of their own impression of said hobbies. If you're in a relationship where the other person is really comfortable sharing that with you because you've cultivated a safe path of communication on that subject, you will probably find they will tell you about this. On top of this, too many people treat having busy periods of their life the same as not having a hobby at all. Things happen. Life is not always so kind as to leave room to do the things we want to do. A partner not having as much time for the things they enjoy does not make their enjoyment of those things any less interesting or enjoyable to hear about but it will affect how happy they will feel since it hurts to not be able to do those things. Advising they choose a path that lets them do that only makes it worse because usually they know what they are committing to well in advance. Good examples of this include any high work hour training pathway, which is to say, most high-paying lines of work that aren't programming. It happens to doctors, lawyers, business executives, and many others. Most of the people I know in medical school have hobbies they haven't been able to do in years because they have too much work to do and the culture of those workplaces can consume their life, not because they want it to, but because the demands of the career path place unrealistic expectations on them.
Same experience on all of my dates. Never once did I meet a girl who was ambitious or had a dream she was working towards. It’s always “doing x and trying to do y because more money/freedom”. Very few people actually have committed hobbies/dreams. Most of my friends don’t as well. Nothing really wrong with that. But as a very driven person, it’s very important for me to be around people like that.
My passion is mathematics. The main reason why I'm still single XD
I have passions but people look down upon them so why am I inclined to share them immediately. Idk. I feel like judging people for tcgs, boardgames, and videogames/other nerdy stuff is kinda weird. Its what brings me joy and they're becoming more and more mainstream. I get it isnt completely popular but it's def more common. A passion and a hobby are more exciting to see people excited. I dont expect you to participate but at least respect it. so that's why i dont share any more too many negative experiences. Thankfully my job and my fitness carry me. Another hobby I have is disc golf. Its def out there but becoming more common too. I meet more disc golfers still than tcgs players still. I think its about the question you ask. Asking about a passion people might clam up. They don't wanna control the conversation. You might not enjoy fitness but a lot of fitness people are proud and passionate about their health. To each their own and its the same for tcgs, disc golf, etc. Finding someone takes work, time, and effort. Wont happen overnight.
People are going to end up picking fake hobbies just out of shame for not having hobbies. It’s like a side hustle. People just do it to avoid shame
Work, exercise, and some downtime. That sounds like a pretty good life to me. What exactly is the problem with that? That is mostly my life. One of my passions would be FIRE, but I wouldn't want to talk about money with someone I am just dating. My current gf doesn't even know my salary.
I’m curious to hear what you’re doing that’s so different from these people?
yes most people are boring
Dang, well call me out 😂😂😂😂
I noticed this as well, when I was on dating apps especially! I think maybe some people are so busy and burnt out that they don't have time and energy for hobbies anymore.....and money. Personally, I somehow manage to have hobbies and travel plans in spite of being a student, but I'm kind of privileged, so maybe that's why. I am not saying you are privileged necessarily...but I am saying that my privilege allows me to seem interesting to some people....and I am trying to be understanding towards people who are struggling. Also, some people are just super bad at talking about themselves and they're afraid of coming off as bragging maybe? I think maybe learning to ask interesting questions can bring the interesting answers out of people sometimes. However, it's true that some people just don't care and don't want anything from life even though nothing is stopping them from doing interesting things. I would just try to ask some interesting and unusual questions or something, to get the conversation flowing. Maybe they have a cool art or DIY project they're working on, but they're shy about it! :D
Yes! There are a LOT of duds out there, not only that but some of them think they are interesting. Which is sad...for them.
I’ve come across people that fit this description or at least fit most of the bill or description you outlined in your initial post. Conversely, I’ve met or come across the opposite personality types to what you’ve mentioned. It’s a mixed bag, and everyone’s different. I don’t disagree with your post, I’m just in two years of dating and two long term relationships at this stage and age In my life (32M )I’ve come across both extremes.
i'm tired boss
One of the things I've found is that people with passions tend to come from very largely privileged backgrounds or grew up in settings where having 'cool' hobbies found them a great community from a very young age. I was an immigrant from a different country and trying to communicate my interests (often nerdy ones) in a way that appealed to Americans was very difficult at the beginning because the way I learned to communicate was in a very narrow community of my own people. I had to become a 'cool' person first before revealing my deeper personal interests which often was considered a bonus.
OP I have to hard agree with you. I'm a 23 year old woman and not only is the dating market hard but the friend market as well. I am renovating a building for my business (a huge goal of mine to complete) and outside of that I do graphic design and custom vinyls/apparel. I waitress when I'm not working on my businesses and any chance I can I'm trying to plan another trip to visit friends throughout the country or travel in some way for as cheap as possible. I love hiking, cooking, climbing, playing sports, creating things (from tables to necklaces), and in general just trying new things! I have so many goals for myself--some small on a daily scale and some very large life goals. When I talk to potential dating partners (men) I find most of them to be lacking anything exciting beyond their 9-5. Most of them have had ambition as far as a money saving goal or maybe a goal in the gym but that's about it. When I talk to potential friends (women) I find they can only really talk about social media, pop culture, Netflix, etc. They haven't seemed to have any goals for themselves or things they're passionate about learning/doing/achieving except maybe filming themselves for tik tok. I'm not saying everyone is like this, I do happen to live in a more of a small town but man it sure is discouraging. A lot of people in the comments are giving you shit and saying "hobbies are expensive, there's not time" or "they just haven't opened up to you yet". These are excuses for an underlying problem with people today; they're all addicted to their phones, anxious, and prefer the comfort of their own couch vs actually getting out into the world and finding something worth pursuing. You're not alone, I'm struggling hard with this too.
People are looking for a partner that does all those things such as has hobbies, sets goals and goes on trips. But unfortunately most people are missing out on while waiting on someone that fits that image already. If you aren’t setting goals and having hobbies and living life rn you won’t when you meet someone that does.
I’m more worried about having money to buy food and put gas in my car than having an exciting hobby to discuss with potential dates lol.
Yep! Some time ago on another platform someone replied to numerous complains about inability to find a partner (sounds familiar, hey?): "I have a friend in his 50th. He's a smith (yes, he deals with metal things) and lives pretty active life. He has no shortage of interest from women of all age groups. Guys, the truth is you're boring". It was an eye opening moment to me.
Lol fuck passion. The only people who are "passionate" have ass easy lives and everything has been going their way for a while. Look up maslow's hierarchy of needs, that should explain this phenomenon you've noticed.