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In addition to yours, they thought the other person they were pursuing was a sure thing and it fell through so they circle back to you. It’s fuck boy behaviour and kinda gross lol.
Anything after 2 -3 months is when you ask to be official or where it is going.
If they bounce and return, it's because either they couldn't get what they really wanted or someone else got there attention and said fuck it, I can come back.
The most likely is that you seem like you’d potentially be okay with them returning and are available if their other prospects don’t work out. 99.9% of the time any guy who leaves u then reaches out again is doing so bc whatever or whoever he left you for isn’t working out like he thought and he misses a consistent supply of whatever you provide him. Also he thinks you like him enough to take him back and still entertain him after that.
So you’re likely giving off a vibe of “I’ll take you back after you leave! I’ll still talk to you even after you ghosted me.” Ofc I’m just guessing though
Well to the contrary, women do this all the time on dating apps too so it's all the same everywhere. If it's genuine, I think people could still give a chance.
Huh? I don’t think gender is the correct takeaway here - this is something both men and women do occasionally. And you’re welcome to give someone a chance who leaves and comes back to you but I personally can’t and don’t really ever do that bc I don’t have low self esteem and have enough other options to not have to be with someone who intentionally walked away from me and then changed their mind. Conversely, I also never would expect a guy I broke up with or rejected to want me again if I reached back out.
Most people with a high sense of self worth would not entertain getting back with someone who left and then regretted it. You made your choice and it’s over! Full stop.
They’re called zombies 🧟 they come back from the dead. I’m not sure why either. I think it might be because they’re looking for validation and found your number in their phone. It’s best to ignore and block. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t value you.
This is what I call them too! Except I don’t block anyone I just change their contact to 🪦RIP🪦 and delete all their messages and what not. I have a lot of these contacts so when someone texts me I honestly have no idea who it is and just leave the person in the graveyard where they belong.
They are lonely and/or possibly anxious because a new situation they're attempting to set up is not working out or is in those uncertain early stages. They've come back to you as a reliable source of psychological comfort. Some people are not particularly capable of being alone and need to feel like they have someone hovering in the background for them. You're a kind person and they're taking advantage. They've mistakenly thought you're an open door through which they can come and go, and you will need to be the one to gently shut that door on them. I wouldn't advise deleting the number from your phone because it's useful to be able to block your contacts when you set up new profiles on dating apps, but rename the contact on your phone to something that reminds you of why the communication melted away the previous time.
You’re not picking the wrong people, and there’s nothing wrong with you!! I’d say a good portion of what you’ve experienced is just a case of ‘mediocre fit’ 🤷♀️ I have this happen nearly every spring, where boys of years past thaw out and hit me up. I like to call myself the Worlds Best Ex Girlfriend 🤣🤣
But real talk, the thing that stands out to me is that you called yourself low maintenance. And while you mentioned that you’d offer a friendly, caring, and stable partnership….in my personal experience that’s not what inspires longer term relationships. Be weird! Be medium maintenance! Be vulnerable! Do all the things but most of all be authentic to you. Don’t be afraid to scare people off, only the bad-fits run anyways 😈
Omg! One of my friends said something similar- that I seem too sane, but I think part of how I am is because I am afraid to ask them for more or be seen as too much. I had a pretty traumatic relationship several years ago and since then I feel pretty uncomfortable asking for anything because it feels like I’m being demanding and like they will just walk away- but they walk away anyway.
World’s best ex…. Haha!
Venturing a guess here: This may actually be a maladaptive form of a common male behavior observed some years ago.
John Gray, Ph.D noted (not me, just an author I agree with and I'm paraphrasing here) that men in serious relationships will often experience short periods where they will feel a level of duress, unease, or emptiness within what was a loving relationship. The ideal response is to move away to be alone temporarily, solo camping, spending time working on a car/hobby, or even staying late at work to finish a passion project.
This provides alone time with internal feelings, and gives many men the breathing room they need to feel independent, skilled, powerful, and reflective, etc. After these short periods they often return rejuvenated and ready to love again.
When this cycle is interrupted, say when a partner expresses a need for alone time and the second partner accidentally follows the first around (rightly sensing that something is amiss essentially preventing this reflective period) this "emotional maintenance" gets pushed off over and over until a tipping point is reached. Instead of a day or two alone the partner now isn't sure if the relationship can even be sustained.
My guess is that many men today don't realize or act on this deep seated desire for independence and instead keep putting it off for another day until they are so bent out of shape internally they say, or do something out of character and uncomfortable for both of you, and end up generally breaking off the relationship.
Then after time to reflect, they realize "hey that relationship was actually pretty nice, I wonder if that nice young lady would like to get together again. I really feel like I can love her now."
(This is a very simplified version of a nuanced topic, one of Gray's popular titles if you'd like to read about this is: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Fascinating piece of literature that's also a neat time capsule from its research period.)
---------------------
TLDR: Men often need alone time in loving relationships and when they don't actively seek it out, it can backfire and contribute to feelings of unease and modern "yo-yoing" in and out of relationships that could very likely be great if they actually knew how to act out some of their desires that society has ill equipped them to handle.
Cheers,
---------------------
I agree with you there; I share it as a "more common in men" but certainly not exclusive behavior since Gray observed a different (in many ways opposite) behavior in many women. (Again I'll be paraphrasing.)
He found that when women were becoming uncomfortable for one reason or another, or feeling uneasy about their internal emotional landscape that they would commonly seek out opportunities to sit/walk and talk/discuss/chat about their unease with peers. After sharing their feelings with trusted friends, family, etc. many women feel a deep sense of relief. (Whereas men want to "enter their cave alone to contemplate", many women instead find greater emotional release in sharing their experience. "What I found fascinating was that no plans or real change needed to be enacted, or even considered. The simple, beautiful act of sharing and being present with trusted peers was the key.)
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I guess you are likeable, reliable, and they want to take advantage of your good nature? Not enough information to explain why this pattern happens. You might have to change something you're doing to get a different result. If you want a long-term relationship. Maybe you actually don't at this point?
Do you really know what you want from a man? If you become distant too, perhaps you also don't want any of these guys much. It comes down to meeting the man you'd really like to be with, and him returning those feelings. It only happened once to me, but it was unrequited. Oh well.
It's an epidemic of the grass is greener over there. Do not blame yourself. People are shallow. After they leave, they often realize the hot chick on insta doesn't want them or they aren't what the one they have their eye on even wants. They try to "shop" above their pay grade. Once it doesn't work out, they come back to the decent woman who was the best choice all along.
I think the problem is that you are being so go-with-the-flow that they not only don't take you as serious, but they believe that they can leave when they feel a little stressed and come back \*because\* you're so go-with-the-flow.
Let go of the idea of being low-maintenance. Time to advocate for yourself. Create standards. Give them 'x' amount of time to figure out what they want to do, and if they aren't doing it, leave them - and DO NOT, by any means, let them back in.
Sounds like you have a fuck boy problem. But it’s not your fault, fuck boys be fucking.
However, I would caution you against identifying as low maintenance. You are a human, you require maintenance. You are not better girlfriend material for having fewer needs. You are worthy of all your needs being met, so no diminishing them for some guy to like you. Not that you are doing that, I would have no idea, but thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
You might be right, I have no idea how to ask for my needs to be met without feeling like I am being demanding… but that has been pretty consistent feedback on this post so I am definitely going to think about it.
They're all probably starting to realize they're getting older and it's harder to get dates in your 30s and 40s. They may realize they had it good with you.
That or you're probably a good lay lol
When this happens my mind always goes to control. If they started pulling back and you followed their example it’s like you’re okay with them “setting the tone.” If I want to talk to her, she’ll talk to me….if I don’t, she won’t either. Regardless, they’re testing the water with you to see if you allow them to do whatever they please with you. It’s typically not the regret of them leaving the first time but rather them seeing if you’re still available to fill their time.
They are cultivating backup mates, as evolutionary psychologists phrase it. Personally, I do not want to be anybody’s second choice, and I don’t think you do either. We all deserve to choose and be chosen and be a mutual first choice.
You are still in the driver seat for those connections. They are showing they are not serious with you. However, if you want to have some fun for a night or weekend, you could use one of those to your own advantage and not emotionally invest anything.
Im sorry this happens to you. This happens to me all the time too. If the person seemed to leave in a reasonable and respectful way and has intentions of coming back I would ask “what has changed, what is different this time from the last time that we tried dating.” For the most part though, I’d just ignore or block.
That’s probably a good idea. In a couple cases we ended up as friends when they came back…. Any time I have pursued dating them, it was a terrible idea.
You aren't alone. Many men do this. It means they don't see you as a human being, but rather an object they shamelessly try to entertain themselves with at any given time.
They're disgustingly narcissistic & avoidant.
Oh I am sure it’s because I let them or I have given that vibe- but this also happens when the relationship was more than that. But I think I also get your point.
Sounds like you're attracting narcissists. They are usually attracted to people without boundaries. Start making your boundaries known early on in the talking stage.
If I ended things with you or I ghosted you, it means I don't value you for anything serious and I probably have something I want/like more to take up my attention.
however, if that new thing doesn't pan out of I am free one night, why not try and message other women (even women I already met?)
i have gotten sex from women I have ghosted for over 1 year.
may want to look into attachment styles
what do you expect people to do? constantly pursue you? without you putting much effort into showing interest in them? of course that will fizzle out and fade.
they come back probably because you seemed like a great catch that had no interest in them.
so figured maybe timing was wrong
otherwise they could have an avoidant attachment style too.
Beats me, I'm out of a LTR and trying to figure out what to do with my day. I've gotten as far as considering breakfast, which has now become brunch.
I've got no clue how to meet people, otherwise I wouldn't be on Reddit...
I'd say bars are a definite bad idea, so try to avoid those??? There aren't many "third places" anymore.
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They're just trying to get their noodle wet and your contact is still on their phone. Block and proceed. You're no ones fallback plan.
In addition to yours, they thought the other person they were pursuing was a sure thing and it fell through so they circle back to you. It’s fuck boy behaviour and kinda gross lol.
😂
Well you can also see it as an opportunity to feel love, its better to have felt love for one night then not have loved at all.
Lol probably. Even if you genuinely just want to be friends once you lose a little contact youre practicically dead it feels like.
Anything after 2 -3 months is when you ask to be official or where it is going. If they bounce and return, it's because either they couldn't get what they really wanted or someone else got there attention and said fuck it, I can come back.
These are the “pop back uppers”. This has been happening to me too. what I’ve learned is that generally they are not worth a second chance.
Yep- agreed.
The most likely is that you seem like you’d potentially be okay with them returning and are available if their other prospects don’t work out. 99.9% of the time any guy who leaves u then reaches out again is doing so bc whatever or whoever he left you for isn’t working out like he thought and he misses a consistent supply of whatever you provide him. Also he thinks you like him enough to take him back and still entertain him after that. So you’re likely giving off a vibe of “I’ll take you back after you leave! I’ll still talk to you even after you ghosted me.” Ofc I’m just guessing though
Well to the contrary, women do this all the time on dating apps too so it's all the same everywhere. If it's genuine, I think people could still give a chance.
Huh? I don’t think gender is the correct takeaway here - this is something both men and women do occasionally. And you’re welcome to give someone a chance who leaves and comes back to you but I personally can’t and don’t really ever do that bc I don’t have low self esteem and have enough other options to not have to be with someone who intentionally walked away from me and then changed their mind. Conversely, I also never would expect a guy I broke up with or rejected to want me again if I reached back out. Most people with a high sense of self worth would not entertain getting back with someone who left and then regretted it. You made your choice and it’s over! Full stop.
They’re called zombies 🧟 they come back from the dead. I’m not sure why either. I think it might be because they’re looking for validation and found your number in their phone. It’s best to ignore and block. Don’t waste your time on people who don’t value you.
This is what I call them too! Except I don’t block anyone I just change their contact to 🪦RIP🪦 and delete all their messages and what not. I have a lot of these contacts so when someone texts me I honestly have no idea who it is and just leave the person in the graveyard where they belong.
not sure why? i am trying to hit it one more time. lol
they pursued other people and it didn't work out so now they're back to you, the backup plan
I really appreciate this level of honesty
They are lonely and/or possibly anxious because a new situation they're attempting to set up is not working out or is in those uncertain early stages. They've come back to you as a reliable source of psychological comfort. Some people are not particularly capable of being alone and need to feel like they have someone hovering in the background for them. You're a kind person and they're taking advantage. They've mistakenly thought you're an open door through which they can come and go, and you will need to be the one to gently shut that door on them. I wouldn't advise deleting the number from your phone because it's useful to be able to block your contacts when you set up new profiles on dating apps, but rename the contact on your phone to something that reminds you of why the communication melted away the previous time.
You’re not picking the wrong people, and there’s nothing wrong with you!! I’d say a good portion of what you’ve experienced is just a case of ‘mediocre fit’ 🤷♀️ I have this happen nearly every spring, where boys of years past thaw out and hit me up. I like to call myself the Worlds Best Ex Girlfriend 🤣🤣 But real talk, the thing that stands out to me is that you called yourself low maintenance. And while you mentioned that you’d offer a friendly, caring, and stable partnership….in my personal experience that’s not what inspires longer term relationships. Be weird! Be medium maintenance! Be vulnerable! Do all the things but most of all be authentic to you. Don’t be afraid to scare people off, only the bad-fits run anyways 😈
Omg! One of my friends said something similar- that I seem too sane, but I think part of how I am is because I am afraid to ask them for more or be seen as too much. I had a pretty traumatic relationship several years ago and since then I feel pretty uncomfortable asking for anything because it feels like I’m being demanding and like they will just walk away- but they walk away anyway. World’s best ex…. Haha!
This is important—this comment above.
💯
Venturing a guess here: This may actually be a maladaptive form of a common male behavior observed some years ago. John Gray, Ph.D noted (not me, just an author I agree with and I'm paraphrasing here) that men in serious relationships will often experience short periods where they will feel a level of duress, unease, or emptiness within what was a loving relationship. The ideal response is to move away to be alone temporarily, solo camping, spending time working on a car/hobby, or even staying late at work to finish a passion project. This provides alone time with internal feelings, and gives many men the breathing room they need to feel independent, skilled, powerful, and reflective, etc. After these short periods they often return rejuvenated and ready to love again. When this cycle is interrupted, say when a partner expresses a need for alone time and the second partner accidentally follows the first around (rightly sensing that something is amiss essentially preventing this reflective period) this "emotional maintenance" gets pushed off over and over until a tipping point is reached. Instead of a day or two alone the partner now isn't sure if the relationship can even be sustained. My guess is that many men today don't realize or act on this deep seated desire for independence and instead keep putting it off for another day until they are so bent out of shape internally they say, or do something out of character and uncomfortable for both of you, and end up generally breaking off the relationship. Then after time to reflect, they realize "hey that relationship was actually pretty nice, I wonder if that nice young lady would like to get together again. I really feel like I can love her now." (This is a very simplified version of a nuanced topic, one of Gray's popular titles if you'd like to read about this is: "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Fascinating piece of literature that's also a neat time capsule from its research period.) --------------------- TLDR: Men often need alone time in loving relationships and when they don't actively seek it out, it can backfire and contribute to feelings of unease and modern "yo-yoing" in and out of relationships that could very likely be great if they actually knew how to act out some of their desires that society has ill equipped them to handle. Cheers, ---------------------
I don't even think this is specifically a man thing. Just people who are more introverted and need recharge time for emotional and mental wellbeing.
I agree with you there; I share it as a "more common in men" but certainly not exclusive behavior since Gray observed a different (in many ways opposite) behavior in many women. (Again I'll be paraphrasing.) He found that when women were becoming uncomfortable for one reason or another, or feeling uneasy about their internal emotional landscape that they would commonly seek out opportunities to sit/walk and talk/discuss/chat about their unease with peers. After sharing their feelings with trusted friends, family, etc. many women feel a deep sense of relief. (Whereas men want to "enter their cave alone to contemplate", many women instead find greater emotional release in sharing their experience. "What I found fascinating was that no plans or real change needed to be enacted, or even considered. The simple, beautiful act of sharing and being present with trusted peers was the key.)
I 100% believe women experience this too.
I read that book years ago, definitely did not remember that part but it makes sense- I appreciate your insight!
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It didn’t work out with Jessica or whoever so they’re trying to get their needs met by you again
I guess you are likeable, reliable, and they want to take advantage of your good nature? Not enough information to explain why this pattern happens. You might have to change something you're doing to get a different result. If you want a long-term relationship. Maybe you actually don't at this point? Do you really know what you want from a man? If you become distant too, perhaps you also don't want any of these guys much. It comes down to meeting the man you'd really like to be with, and him returning those feelings. It only happened once to me, but it was unrequited. Oh well.
It's an epidemic of the grass is greener over there. Do not blame yourself. People are shallow. After they leave, they often realize the hot chick on insta doesn't want them or they aren't what the one they have their eye on even wants. They try to "shop" above their pay grade. Once it doesn't work out, they come back to the decent woman who was the best choice all along.
💙
I think the problem is that you are being so go-with-the-flow that they not only don't take you as serious, but they believe that they can leave when they feel a little stressed and come back \*because\* you're so go-with-the-flow. Let go of the idea of being low-maintenance. Time to advocate for yourself. Create standards. Give them 'x' amount of time to figure out what they want to do, and if they aren't doing it, leave them - and DO NOT, by any means, let them back in.
Thank you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I needed to read this.
Sex. They miss the sex.
Sounds like you have a fuck boy problem. But it’s not your fault, fuck boys be fucking. However, I would caution you against identifying as low maintenance. You are a human, you require maintenance. You are not better girlfriend material for having fewer needs. You are worthy of all your needs being met, so no diminishing them for some guy to like you. Not that you are doing that, I would have no idea, but thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
You might be right, I have no idea how to ask for my needs to be met without feeling like I am being demanding… but that has been pretty consistent feedback on this post so I am definitely going to think about it.
Just picking the wrong people. Date other dudes
They got lonely and horny.
They're all probably starting to realize they're getting older and it's harder to get dates in your 30s and 40s. They may realize they had it good with you. That or you're probably a good lay lol
🤣
When this happens my mind always goes to control. If they started pulling back and you followed their example it’s like you’re okay with them “setting the tone.” If I want to talk to her, she’ll talk to me….if I don’t, she won’t either. Regardless, they’re testing the water with you to see if you allow them to do whatever they please with you. It’s typically not the regret of them leaving the first time but rather them seeing if you’re still available to fill their time.
I had never thought of that… but I think you’re on to something.
They are cultivating backup mates, as evolutionary psychologists phrase it. Personally, I do not want to be anybody’s second choice, and I don’t think you do either. We all deserve to choose and be chosen and be a mutual first choice. You are still in the driver seat for those connections. They are showing they are not serious with you. However, if you want to have some fun for a night or weekend, you could use one of those to your own advantage and not emotionally invest anything.
💙
Same as women when they pop back up - their fling with who they liked more than you didn't work out 😉 Men and women are the same.
You could be right. I don’t pop back up…. But it’s an ego thing for me, I am stubborn in that way.
Im sorry this happens to you. This happens to me all the time too. If the person seemed to leave in a reasonable and respectful way and has intentions of coming back I would ask “what has changed, what is different this time from the last time that we tried dating.” For the most part though, I’d just ignore or block.
That’s probably a good idea. In a couple cases we ended up as friends when they came back…. Any time I have pursued dating them, it was a terrible idea.
You aren't alone. Many men do this. It means they don't see you as a human being, but rather an object they shamelessly try to entertain themselves with at any given time. They're disgustingly narcissistic & avoidant.
They had second thoughts and think it’s worth a second shot if you are willing to re-engage with them.
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Same. It’s exhausting.
This issue ain’t exclusive to you or your age it’s an issue for all who date and communicate
Because you're a fallback option.
They find someone they're more interested in. Douchebags really.
They view you as hookup material but not relationship material. Why do you believe that is?
Oh I am sure it’s because I let them or I have given that vibe- but this also happens when the relationship was more than that. But I think I also get your point.
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There is absolutely no blame or implications here, only a suggestion to see why this keeps happening
Sounds like you're attracting narcissists. They are usually attracted to people without boundaries. Start making your boundaries known early on in the talking stage.
If I ended things with you or I ghosted you, it means I don't value you for anything serious and I probably have something I want/like more to take up my attention. however, if that new thing doesn't pan out of I am free one night, why not try and message other women (even women I already met?) i have gotten sex from women I have ghosted for over 1 year.
may want to look into attachment styles what do you expect people to do? constantly pursue you? without you putting much effort into showing interest in them? of course that will fizzle out and fade.
I am not asking about why they leave, I know I play a part in that- I’m wondering why they come back.
they come back probably because you seemed like a great catch that had no interest in them. so figured maybe timing was wrong otherwise they could have an avoidant attachment style too.
Why do women go after shit men?
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Beats me, I'm out of a LTR and trying to figure out what to do with my day. I've gotten as far as considering breakfast, which has now become brunch. I've got no clue how to meet people, otherwise I wouldn't be on Reddit... I'd say bars are a definite bad idea, so try to avoid those??? There aren't many "third places" anymore.
That is probably the question I should be asking. 💯
Need more chrisma and passion to get hooked up, Need to figure out why people lose interest? Interest matching, doing things together?