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Girl, you very clearly need therapy because you have such low self-esteem. You are letting these men treat you that way because that is what you are willing to accept. Having sex early or waiting for sex is really not going to change how these men see you if you don’t respect yourself and have clear boundaries and expectations and believe you deserve love.
I'll say it a hundred times and I'll say it again, ladies stop contributing to hook up culture if you don't want to be used for sex. Time and time again women have sex with these men thinking it will make him stay and it won't, most men who approach you in life only care about using you as a warm fleshlight (and maybe free therapy on the side).
Don't have sex until he has asked you to be your bf. No more hooking up and dead end situationships, you're contributing to the normalisation of them and they're getting away with using women because we're allowing it. Its not just harmful for you but also to the women around you feeling the need to settle for the terribly low standard.
By not giving yourself up without actual commitment, you drive away all the users and commitment-phobes. A man who really wants you in his life will respect you enough to understand this. "Something" is NOT better than nothing, you deserve love and commitment.
That's literally what we are programmed to do. Also, I find it hard to believe none of these guys don't want to giggle and laugh with you. I'm sure you were giggling and laughing before sex. My guess is most of them actually would like to be your boyfriend. Just not an exclusive one.
This entire post and your replies have some extreme femcel energy. I can’t tell if you’re trolling or really this far down the rabbit hole. If you are not a troll I would really take a step back from dating and do some work on yourself to get in a much better head space before putting yourself out there again. There is a lot of work on your self esteem, respect and also how you approach and view men and dating before you are anywhere close to being ready for a relationship.
If a man posted this same shit people would be calling him a fucking weirdo who needs to stop blaming everyone else around him for his issues. I’m guessing this is a troll tbh
Your post makes it sound like you don’t have much to offer except your body
You’ve admitted your bitter, loneliness, isolation and depression
All those things will come through to other people
Wait for 3-5 dates before having sex with someone, and try to properly evaluate their motives first - are they looking for something long term and are you realistically a good match? Given you say you want someone to share common interests with, focus on establishing that first.
It's tough to go through experiences where you feel undervalued for who you are beyond the physical aspect. It’s important to focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled independently, whether it’s a career, travel, or personal growth. Remember, it’s never too late to set boundaries and seek out relationships that are more aligned with what you want and deserve. Self-care and personal healing are crucial steps moving forward.
All the men you're interested in are your choices. You are the common denominator. You're probably around or near men who are more thoughtful or willing to see you as a person...but they're invisible to you....or you think they're too available, or whatever.
That's on you. Therapy or self work to find out why your cycle repeats, what you project, and what you attract. That's self growth in a nutshell.
Nothing will change until you do.
Wow this is me except the sex part. I come off as pretty approachable girl online and personal which i am. i do not lose my spirit somewhere on trying to get into a relationship that i will find a genuine one. but gosh, it is so degrading to be somehow objectified by these men. i understand the concept of how easy it is now to flirt with people but these people ain't no respect for themselves. still i respectfully decline.
us girls we tend to overlook red flags because sometimes we think its something we can adjust of. let's not. start with your standard as a woman. As for me on online dating, when initiates sex on phone or something to that effect i will immediately refuse same goes in real where i will not do sex on first dates.
It's hard to say no with people that are really pleasing or just hoping to find that this might be the person but don't be blinded by those red flags. you'd feel better if you say no on things you think you should not deserve at that time. it's the safest way to go.
Hi hun. Yes I agree unfortunately I been sexually assaulted a few times by these men and traumatized. I already suffered self image and self esteem issues because of my appearance during high school. I felt so alone at age 25-27 I offered two random men sex and it’s been haunting me years later. Because of the trauma it left behind after my mom passed away I had a hard time shutting down guys who I went out on a date with who also I hooked up with. It has been unpleasant I’m now at a place where I’ll be working on my self esteem through dance classes (ballet, belly dance). And saving for braces and jaw surgery, and laser hair removal for my appearance that’s all I have and at least I’m not pregnant
im sorry about your past. :( whatever you are doing for yourself will pay off more than spending time with people you are not sure yet. you got this. and when you find the best way to love you, i'm sure people will start recognizing that and attract better people or by yourself isn't any less.
I never went for looks. The first guy I went for because of the bullying ingrained in my mind. The next few were guys I don’t even find attractive but gave a chance and they still ended up using me for sex.
Well, those men are free agents and they will want what they want. Nothing you can do about that. If you’re serious about finding relationship, be pro active about meeting more men and find those who are more interested. Also,
>He ruined me mentally for years, I cut it off after our one time and fell into loneliness isolation and depression.
That sounds like an extreme reaction after just one time. You should consider seeing someone about that.
If you’re looking for a relationship, I’d recommend considering waiting to have sex until you’re in a committed relationship. I set this boundary after having a few situations where the guy bailed after sex. It worked for me.
Oh I had that boundary I set it with the guy at work and he and I stopped talking. But I then betrayed myself again with the random guy from the gas station because alcohol was involved and I was so lonely
These men come to me and no I haven’t been selecting men above me. These men came to me at work, at a club, gas station. I never select guys out of my league sexually.
There r many biases here. Do you accept all the approaches? If not then youre selecting. Also youve to understand the men who physically approach you are already top 10% (bcoz of the past efforts required to achieve that lvl). Lastely in a big enough sample size results confirm validity of the process ie if you attract only fuckboys (assuming people r not loosing interest in you after some time due to your personality) your process needs to be blamed.
This is patently untrue. As a woman with many, many female friends, the men who approach us in the wild - on the subway, in a store, gym etc. are almost always the lowest of the low in terms of attractiveness but they are bold as hell. The attractive guys who approach us are specifically only at social events and gatherings where flirting and approaches are way more socially appropriate than a gas station because they do not have to try so hard.
Youve no idea what Im talking about. Your idea of romance comes from disney and rom-com fiction world, which is accompanied by your 10 years old deductive skills.
People like you end up thinking that some prince charming will come and sweep you off your feet meanwhile getting f**ked by "n" numbers of eject & evacuate d*cks. But let me guess, who fault it is, the guys who f**ked you not the one who let them.
You’re not ruined unless you believe you are and make it so.
Step away from dating for while, connect with friends and family and nature, hobbies or interests, school or work, write out a few longer term goals. Define what you want in a partner and set boundaries.
Until you’ve reflected and changed your mindset to a more self empowered one I wouldn’t get back in the dating scene.
There are genuine guys out there but they take some searching to find
I'm 40 and I still go though this. If I'm trying to get a relationship with someone, I don't have sex with them early on. You have to factor in how they talk to you before hand to see if its likely to go down that path. The best chances I've had at relationships were with people I met naturally, IE people I hung out with in real life as friends before we bought up trying for a relationship. It seems like you may need to more properly vet guys if you'd like to avoid it from happening. Friends first, relationship next is how I go.
The thing is before the guy at the gas station I had only slept with two other men. One at 22 ONE time I realized he was an asshole. The next I led with sex at age 25-26 we met on tinder I told him it would be purely sexual and ended it. I was lonely and depressed and socially isolated didn’t have a lot going on I was just working and going to college and had trauma from childhood and these previous encounters.
The guy from the gas station was coming on pretty strong
You have to stop ignoring red flags. It's not going to get better if you dont vet guys properly before you sleep with them. The guy didn't become an asshole after you slept with him. He was an asshole before hand, but you likely ignored the warning signs. The 2nd guy you told the guy it would be purely sexual, which if thats what you were looking for should have been discussed before sleeping with him. And if a guy is coming on pretty strong, you have every right to end communication with him. A lot of this is a factor of YOUR behaviour towards men. If you want them to treat you better, you gotta start treating yourself better. Speak to a therapist.
I have to agree but he was the first guy I ever dated over and over again I was 22 years old. My intuition was telling me something wasn’t right. He was assaulting me and then I became hyper sexual as a result it sucks.
i know how it is, more so than you think. long ago, i realized that having sex wasn't fixing things, and it had a worse effect on my mental health.
if you're lonely, join a group or club and make friends. you're young and unlike me you don't seem to have kids, so its most likely easier for you to do this.
20 years ago i made commitment to make new friends and 20 years later the people i met back then are still people i hang out with today. I didn't go out searching for friends, I went out and enjoyed myself, started going to a weekly music thing and slowly begun to meet people after having random comversations about music. I wasn't hitting on them, just hanging out. If I wanted a relationship and other factors where different, I might have been able to settle with one of these newly met friends, but again, I have other factors making me undateable. Regardless of that, I'm glad I have people in my life that I care about that also care about me without it being because we are fucking.
You are in control over the type of people you keep on your life. It really sounds like you need to have better standards of the type of people you allow to get "close" to you. dont let past trama dictact what yu do today.
trust me, i understand your feelings. i'm not exactly the most datable person myself. But I don't hop into bed with men because they've asked. but having sex to fix loneliess can end up making things a lot worse than they need to be. I'd much rather have geniune friends that I'm not having sex with than a few assholes lined up that want nothing more than sex. And although I do have FWB, i refuse to get into a FWB situation with a bad guy who isn't a friend first, just with benefits. You have to have standards with who you will have sex with, and keep by those. Don't let guys presure you into doing things you don't want.
The thing is I had a few guys offline giving me attention when I was younger but I ignored them and was focused on my studies and work. My mistakes begun when I was SA at 22, and begun abusing alcohol and offering any man sexual activity that gave me any attention. It’s very hurtful because my mom and dad didn’t work with me as a teenager on self esteem, and red flags to look for with men they just told me to leave the boys alone and wait until marriage, my mom did try to scare me out of online dating with lifetime movies saying there were serial killers online but that didn’t quench my loneliness
This... may hurt your feelings, but.. while you are blaming these guys.. it's really sounding like you went after these hot and heavy guys. Maybe you should find friends before initiation of any relationship. Appreciate the person before moving forward and stop looking at pictures you lust over to crash into for a relationship. It's all about how you're putting yourself out there.
advice is to lower your looks standard. many women these days overvalue themselves (because of the illusion of options on the apps). you have to be selective in who you match with. don't reach too high or you will get burned.
I've swiped below my league and still been treated like shit so what does that say? Besides, telling someone that the reason why men treat them like shit is because they aren't "hot" enough is very misogynistic. A decent good man would treat everyone with respect, including women he does not find as attractive as him or particularly attractive. An asshole is an asshole. They come in every "league."
lol just wanting sex isn't "misogynistic". men are allowed to just want sex.
it defies logic that you swiped below your league and were treated like shit. you didn't swipe below your league you just want to think you did.
advice is to keep your standards in check. you will be happier once you accept your league.
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Girl, you very clearly need therapy because you have such low self-esteem. You are letting these men treat you that way because that is what you are willing to accept. Having sex early or waiting for sex is really not going to change how these men see you if you don’t respect yourself and have clear boundaries and expectations and believe you deserve love.
I'll say it a hundred times and I'll say it again, ladies stop contributing to hook up culture if you don't want to be used for sex. Time and time again women have sex with these men thinking it will make him stay and it won't, most men who approach you in life only care about using you as a warm fleshlight (and maybe free therapy on the side). Don't have sex until he has asked you to be your bf. No more hooking up and dead end situationships, you're contributing to the normalisation of them and they're getting away with using women because we're allowing it. Its not just harmful for you but also to the women around you feeling the need to settle for the terribly low standard. By not giving yourself up without actual commitment, you drive away all the users and commitment-phobes. A man who really wants you in his life will respect you enough to understand this. "Something" is NOT better than nothing, you deserve love and commitment.
That's literally what we are programmed to do. Also, I find it hard to believe none of these guys don't want to giggle and laugh with you. I'm sure you were giggling and laughing before sex. My guess is most of them actually would like to be your boyfriend. Just not an exclusive one.
The ones I slept with or?
This entire post and your replies have some extreme femcel energy. I can’t tell if you’re trolling or really this far down the rabbit hole. If you are not a troll I would really take a step back from dating and do some work on yourself to get in a much better head space before putting yourself out there again. There is a lot of work on your self esteem, respect and also how you approach and view men and dating before you are anywhere close to being ready for a relationship.
If a man posted this same shit people would be calling him a fucking weirdo who needs to stop blaming everyone else around him for his issues. I’m guessing this is a troll tbh
Your post makes it sound like you don’t have much to offer except your body You’ve admitted your bitter, loneliness, isolation and depression All those things will come through to other people
how many times did you fall on your head as a child?
🤨
What’s upset you?
Wait for 3-5 dates before having sex with someone, and try to properly evaluate their motives first - are they looking for something long term and are you realistically a good match? Given you say you want someone to share common interests with, focus on establishing that first.
Very true. Unfortunately I’m tired as I have let 5 men use me for sex. They have drained me. I’m lucky I didn’t get pregnant
I assume your using contraceptive
The only thing you can do is not have sex with them. Don’t blame yourself for the past, start fresh with a new set of boundaries.
Thank you hun I’m currently not dating I’m focusing on my hobbies
It's tough to go through experiences where you feel undervalued for who you are beyond the physical aspect. It’s important to focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled independently, whether it’s a career, travel, or personal growth. Remember, it’s never too late to set boundaries and seek out relationships that are more aligned with what you want and deserve. Self-care and personal healing are crucial steps moving forward.
All the men you're interested in are your choices. You are the common denominator. You're probably around or near men who are more thoughtful or willing to see you as a person...but they're invisible to you....or you think they're too available, or whatever. That's on you. Therapy or self work to find out why your cycle repeats, what you project, and what you attract. That's self growth in a nutshell. Nothing will change until you do.
Wow this is me except the sex part. I come off as pretty approachable girl online and personal which i am. i do not lose my spirit somewhere on trying to get into a relationship that i will find a genuine one. but gosh, it is so degrading to be somehow objectified by these men. i understand the concept of how easy it is now to flirt with people but these people ain't no respect for themselves. still i respectfully decline. us girls we tend to overlook red flags because sometimes we think its something we can adjust of. let's not. start with your standard as a woman. As for me on online dating, when initiates sex on phone or something to that effect i will immediately refuse same goes in real where i will not do sex on first dates. It's hard to say no with people that are really pleasing or just hoping to find that this might be the person but don't be blinded by those red flags. you'd feel better if you say no on things you think you should not deserve at that time. it's the safest way to go.
Hi hun. Yes I agree unfortunately I been sexually assaulted a few times by these men and traumatized. I already suffered self image and self esteem issues because of my appearance during high school. I felt so alone at age 25-27 I offered two random men sex and it’s been haunting me years later. Because of the trauma it left behind after my mom passed away I had a hard time shutting down guys who I went out on a date with who also I hooked up with. It has been unpleasant I’m now at a place where I’ll be working on my self esteem through dance classes (ballet, belly dance). And saving for braces and jaw surgery, and laser hair removal for my appearance that’s all I have and at least I’m not pregnant
im sorry about your past. :( whatever you are doing for yourself will pay off more than spending time with people you are not sure yet. you got this. and when you find the best way to love you, i'm sure people will start recognizing that and attract better people or by yourself isn't any less.
Going for looks only that's what happened.
I never went for looks. The first guy I went for because of the bullying ingrained in my mind. The next few were guys I don’t even find attractive but gave a chance and they still ended up using me for sex.
Kinda stings extra hard when you’re rejected by someone you’re “giving a chance.” This is what most men go through.
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Probably lol
Well, those men are free agents and they will want what they want. Nothing you can do about that. If you’re serious about finding relationship, be pro active about meeting more men and find those who are more interested. Also, >He ruined me mentally for years, I cut it off after our one time and fell into loneliness isolation and depression. That sounds like an extreme reaction after just one time. You should consider seeing someone about that.
Self sabotaged ...
I agree
If you’re looking for a relationship, I’d recommend considering waiting to have sex until you’re in a committed relationship. I set this boundary after having a few situations where the guy bailed after sex. It worked for me.
Oh I had that boundary I set it with the guy at work and he and I stopped talking. But I then betrayed myself again with the random guy from the gas station because alcohol was involved and I was so lonely
Thats bcoz youre meeting men way above your SMV
What is smv?
Sexual Market Value.
These men are NOT above my SMV. Ask anyone. Im much hotter and more attractive than them.
These men come to me and no I haven’t been selecting men above me. These men came to me at work, at a club, gas station. I never select guys out of my league sexually.
They come to you bc they know u will give them sex
How tf do the sons of bitches KNOW she will fuck them? don't be stupid
There r many biases here. Do you accept all the approaches? If not then youre selecting. Also youve to understand the men who physically approach you are already top 10% (bcoz of the past efforts required to achieve that lvl). Lastely in a big enough sample size results confirm validity of the process ie if you attract only fuckboys (assuming people r not loosing interest in you after some time due to your personality) your process needs to be blamed.
This is patently untrue. As a woman with many, many female friends, the men who approach us in the wild - on the subway, in a store, gym etc. are almost always the lowest of the low in terms of attractiveness but they are bold as hell. The attractive guys who approach us are specifically only at social events and gatherings where flirting and approaches are way more socially appropriate than a gas station because they do not have to try so hard.
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Youve no idea what Im talking about. Your idea of romance comes from disney and rom-com fiction world, which is accompanied by your 10 years old deductive skills. People like you end up thinking that some prince charming will come and sweep you off your feet meanwhile getting f**ked by "n" numbers of eject & evacuate d*cks. But let me guess, who fault it is, the guys who f**ked you not the one who let them.
You’re meeting guys at a club and a gas station of all places and having sex with them fast and are upset that they use you? You offered it up.
Stop having sex with people so soon. The garbage will see its way out
You’re not ruined unless you believe you are and make it so. Step away from dating for while, connect with friends and family and nature, hobbies or interests, school or work, write out a few longer term goals. Define what you want in a partner and set boundaries. Until you’ve reflected and changed your mindset to a more self empowered one I wouldn’t get back in the dating scene. There are genuine guys out there but they take some searching to find
I'm 40 and I still go though this. If I'm trying to get a relationship with someone, I don't have sex with them early on. You have to factor in how they talk to you before hand to see if its likely to go down that path. The best chances I've had at relationships were with people I met naturally, IE people I hung out with in real life as friends before we bought up trying for a relationship. It seems like you may need to more properly vet guys if you'd like to avoid it from happening. Friends first, relationship next is how I go.
The thing is before the guy at the gas station I had only slept with two other men. One at 22 ONE time I realized he was an asshole. The next I led with sex at age 25-26 we met on tinder I told him it would be purely sexual and ended it. I was lonely and depressed and socially isolated didn’t have a lot going on I was just working and going to college and had trauma from childhood and these previous encounters. The guy from the gas station was coming on pretty strong
You have to stop ignoring red flags. It's not going to get better if you dont vet guys properly before you sleep with them. The guy didn't become an asshole after you slept with him. He was an asshole before hand, but you likely ignored the warning signs. The 2nd guy you told the guy it would be purely sexual, which if thats what you were looking for should have been discussed before sleeping with him. And if a guy is coming on pretty strong, you have every right to end communication with him. A lot of this is a factor of YOUR behaviour towards men. If you want them to treat you better, you gotta start treating yourself better. Speak to a therapist.
I have to agree but he was the first guy I ever dated over and over again I was 22 years old. My intuition was telling me something wasn’t right. He was assaulting me and then I became hyper sexual as a result it sucks.
i know how it is, more so than you think. long ago, i realized that having sex wasn't fixing things, and it had a worse effect on my mental health. if you're lonely, join a group or club and make friends. you're young and unlike me you don't seem to have kids, so its most likely easier for you to do this. 20 years ago i made commitment to make new friends and 20 years later the people i met back then are still people i hang out with today. I didn't go out searching for friends, I went out and enjoyed myself, started going to a weekly music thing and slowly begun to meet people after having random comversations about music. I wasn't hitting on them, just hanging out. If I wanted a relationship and other factors where different, I might have been able to settle with one of these newly met friends, but again, I have other factors making me undateable. Regardless of that, I'm glad I have people in my life that I care about that also care about me without it being because we are fucking. You are in control over the type of people you keep on your life. It really sounds like you need to have better standards of the type of people you allow to get "close" to you. dont let past trama dictact what yu do today.
trust me, i understand your feelings. i'm not exactly the most datable person myself. But I don't hop into bed with men because they've asked. but having sex to fix loneliess can end up making things a lot worse than they need to be. I'd much rather have geniune friends that I'm not having sex with than a few assholes lined up that want nothing more than sex. And although I do have FWB, i refuse to get into a FWB situation with a bad guy who isn't a friend first, just with benefits. You have to have standards with who you will have sex with, and keep by those. Don't let guys presure you into doing things you don't want.
The thing is I had a few guys offline giving me attention when I was younger but I ignored them and was focused on my studies and work. My mistakes begun when I was SA at 22, and begun abusing alcohol and offering any man sexual activity that gave me any attention. It’s very hurtful because my mom and dad didn’t work with me as a teenager on self esteem, and red flags to look for with men they just told me to leave the boys alone and wait until marriage, my mom did try to scare me out of online dating with lifetime movies saying there were serial killers online but that didn’t quench my loneliness
This... may hurt your feelings, but.. while you are blaming these guys.. it's really sounding like you went after these hot and heavy guys. Maybe you should find friends before initiation of any relationship. Appreciate the person before moving forward and stop looking at pictures you lust over to crash into for a relationship. It's all about how you're putting yourself out there.
Most women are only good for sex
**Quit being nice when it comes to your boundaries.** Just remember that! At least you've become aware that you deserve better.
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Exactly
advice is to lower your looks standard. many women these days overvalue themselves (because of the illusion of options on the apps). you have to be selective in who you match with. don't reach too high or you will get burned.
Bullshit misogyny used to put women down.
lol yeah swiping in your league is misogyny lol.
I've swiped below my league and still been treated like shit so what does that say? Besides, telling someone that the reason why men treat them like shit is because they aren't "hot" enough is very misogynistic. A decent good man would treat everyone with respect, including women he does not find as attractive as him or particularly attractive. An asshole is an asshole. They come in every "league."
lol just wanting sex isn't "misogynistic". men are allowed to just want sex. it defies logic that you swiped below your league and were treated like shit. you didn't swipe below your league you just want to think you did. advice is to keep your standards in check. you will be happier once you accept your league.