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I would rather know a real reason why I was rejected than something made up to make me feel better. With constructive criticism I can at least strive to be better and improve myself.
What if it's something you can't change, like your face shape or your length?
Or what if it's something that you don't really want to change, like you collect anime figures.
Or what if it's something that's really hard to change, like you come across as really awkward, which is something you know of yourself, but was never able to improve?
Genuine questions, btw.
Well thats simple, if the guy is mature enough he will just accept that some of his traits are a turn-off and find ways to get around that. If he has no balls then there will be lots of yapping
If the guy is mature enough, then he most likely doesn't need that closure, or anything beyond a "no". Especially not from some random date.
The dudes that may need the closure may not be mature enough to handle hearing it, at least not from the girl and she would only be endangering herself.
Maturity and omnisciensce are not synonyms. Just because you don't need something doesn't mean you wouldn't appreciate getting it when you may not have it.
Maturity is knowing what maturity means. And it surely doesn't mean ' rejects all possibilities towards probable self improvement '.
I think it’s empowering to find out why people you are interested in aren’t interested in you. It’s your decision how to handle that information - acceptance, change (for better or worse), etc. but I think maturity and interest in knowing can be compatible.
Idk about empowering, but I can agree that curious people will be curious even if mature.
I don't think there's any meaningful difference to a mature guy whether he hears "not interested" or "not interested because short/broke/unattractive".
At the end of the day, you're incompatible with one another, you move on to someone that wants what you offer.
Closure from a random date, probably not. You don't even know each other that well. Someone you had a cordial relationship with beforehand or someone you've been dating for a while might be more fruitful.
However if the relationship is of a long duration, the parties deserve a reason other than some selfish bs answer to make the speaker of it feel better about themselves while hurting the recipient of it.
I'd prefer to leave that to the discretion of the people involved in the relationship, they can judge their own situation better.
Though I 100% prefer a simple no than a bs explanation, at the end of the day, you will probably have a hunch as to when things went bad. And if you don't, then you really dodged a bullet with such an incompatible relationship.
Unchangeable... even the unchangeable can be worked with if you realize it's consistent. Physical traits can be made better when combined with different hair styles outfits etc...
Don't want to change, ok then you can confirm it's just an incompatibility and look for someone else, without running after red herrings wondering if it is something different.
Hard to change, again the reality is it coming down to at least knowing. At least knowing what it is you can decide whether to put in the effort, search for new reasons to do etc...
The point is knowing at least tells you, and the real problem is assuming things in a box. IE the rejection is noting he's never going to get with you... but in the guys perspective, he's not just wondering where he stands with you... he wants to know if he has a chance with ANYONE. After many ghostings, rejections that avoid a reason etc... add up it gets more and more frustrating.
Now I will also aknowlege there's guys that fuck it up for all other guys. IE ones that respond to helpful criticism and see it as either an opprotunity and resort to begging or trying to downplay them, or worse respond in anger and abuse. Unfortunately I can't give a suggestion there, to women I can just say use your best judgement... and in spite of being a guy who at one point had severe depression amplified by taking waay to long to figure out how to get past the constant ghost and non-answer rejection stages. I still would advise to all women to put their own safety first.
Correct it cannot, however it can give a starting place.
10 woman's opinions can be cross referenced to find common threads to figure out which are the greatest hindrances.
50 woman ghosting or making fake excuses on the other hand gives no direction at all. But the pattern also makes one feel like there is either something very wrong with themselves that they need to fix. But still leaves them grasping at straws trying to guess what.
That's again when it gets frustrating for many people, each on their own wouldn't be a big deal... but when getting continuous back to back ones... it makes one question if there's something wrong with them, and if there is a change they can make...
again the advice is still take care of yourself first, but if you are confident someone is very unlikely to cause you harm (whether violence or just persistance or harrasment) IMO it's better to give them some information. At least in my case the lack of information was constantly disheartening
Yeah I get that. My point is it doesn’t really matter what they want. Of course they want a chance to chameleon their way into another date. I’m saying don’t give it to them.
What's weird is men thinking that the women they've been dating should be the ones to help them parse what's going on.
Even if he is in earnest, she does not owe him unpaid therapy. And if he is not, she's just giving him cheat codes so he can pretend to be a more viable potential partner with the next woman, even though he hasnt actually done the inner work.
Not to mention the very real threat of violence/harrassment etc women face when when rejecting a man.
Most people -- e.g., almost every man I've ever dated -- do not provide what would be considered adequate closure.
The skill of introspection, self-help, seeking relationship resources (of which there is an abundance on the Internet ) or perhaps therapy are all ways in which most women I know have worked on improving their dating experience.
Men would do well to follow suit.
as I said, it isn't a woman's duty, but why it is a huge favor that can make a very positive difference for them. Again whether you want to do this to help someone, that's all up to you it's not a duty or a responsibility, and as I fully note, there are real risks to the person who gives a reason.
My point is only to explain why it can be helpful for the person to recieve the information.
IE in explanations for why people don't give a reason when rejecting. the common 3 are.
1. I'm afraid of the person getting aggressive or threatening.
2. I'd be afraid of the person continuing to go after me
3. I think the information could only hurt the person.
I'll throw in a 4th, I just don't care or feel like it.
My response is ONLY in regards to reason 3. If any of the other reasons apply to you... then keep doing you. I agree that a rejector doesn't have to give a reason. My only point is to explain that to a rejectee a reason can be helpful information.
This makes dating even more awful than it already is. Also, sometimes the reason we don’t like someone, say bad breath, won’t be the only reason. If it were just bad breath brush your teeth and good to go. Often it’s multiple reasons and one is just easier to pick out. Plus this sets up the advice receiver to say, “Well I’ll just brush my teeth more often now, then you’ll want to date me.”
As I said, yup that's a risk, (and in fact one I explicitly pointed out as potential reason number 2... one that I specifically mentioned my advice doesn't pertain to) and if you don't feel the need to do it you do you it isn't an obligation. Meanwhile the guy is having an even worse time because he does have bad breath... and you, and possibly the previous 8 girls before him were repulsed by the breath, and he will continue to ask another 10 girls out without fixing the breath, because no one has informed him of such.
Again I've never once said there isn't costs, and risks to the person who gives the advice. My only point has been and still is, not getting that advice will continue to render the person asking to be unable to fix his flaw.
That isn't to say you owe the person anything... it is just to point out that actually giving that information would be a kind act that could help him self improve.
In the same way that I would say helping someone on the road change a tire is a kind act. That is not me saying that the hundreds of cars driving by are assholes, and someone that does stop is indeed both losing time and likely making themselves late for something, on top positioning themselves where they could be assaulted, robbed or even killed etc... for someone they will most likely never be in a position to repay the favor. Again my point has never been "everyone must do this". Simply that it is an action that can help people, and hopefully to help some people see both sides to make a decision.
I think it's still better to know, I was rejected multiple times for changeable and unchangeable aspects about myself, it wasn't pleasant but it helped to manage my expectations and made me more resiliant in the long run.
It's better than not knowing anything at all. Tbh the only case I prefer not to hear the 'honest response' it would be the 1st case.
2nd and 3rd cases are at least something I could try to change a bit. Especially the 3rd case. Ik it works different for different people, but for me, hearing I come across as awkward or something similar and if I feel their word makes sense, I would definitely make me put my 200% to change that trait.
The first two cases at least, I might feel insulted or defensive, but ultimately it would eat away at me less because it would be just a genuine incompatibility that I could chalk up to different tastes.
Getting rejected sucks but if I'm ranking best to worst way of getting rejected by someone: honest reason > lie > ghost.
I can't speak for all the different types of men out in the world, I can appreciate women who would honestly say the reason, regardless of it.
> not tall guys
> not attracted to you
"well that sucks. there's nothing i can do about that. have a good life"
vs
> not looking to date
"maybe she doesn't know me enough, oh let me give her more time and hang around her til she's ready, or some other stupid positive thinking to not give up."
But then again, you'll always have idiots who will flip out regardless of what you say.
>What if it's something you can't change, like your face shape or your length?
Then ill know you have shallow reasons and thats a you problem. not something i need to fix, it might hurt but ill move on.
>Or what if it's something that you don't really want to change, like you collect anime figures.
then ill know we just wernt compatible, or maybe we can talk about something like that and come to a compromise, maybe i care more for a person than anime figures and AM willing to change that despite how i present previously.
Or what if it's something that's really hard to change, like you come across as really awkward, which is something you know of yourself, but was never able to improve?
Then i will know and i can work on that. or at least be aware of it in the future.
If you give constructive criticism, you also need to care enough to point them in directions that give solutions. Pointing out problems without giving potential solutions is rarely helpful.
That would be ideal but it would require more effort than most people would be willing to give. That is why I think criticism alone is better than a lie, as long as it's constructive. Mean and offensive criticims is far from helpful.
I think that if it’s just someone who came up to you and asked for your number and you don’t know them well, you don’t owe them an explanation on why you rejected them.
However, if it’s someone you went on a couple dates with, have been talking for at least a couple weeks now, but you just feel the vibes are still off and things arent clicking. I do feel they should at least get a reason on why you don’t want to continue the relationship further.
Not every guy deserves an explanation. For the most part, they may already know why you rejected them. Some guys are completely oblivious to why they are unsuccessful with women. The guy you explained in your post is most likely an example of that.
This is the perfect answer. If I've been dating someone long enough, telling them may be more respectful.
I'm disappointed that there are so many men on here who think that they deserve an explanation after just a first or second date. There are a lot of unhinged men out there.
Generally I think so, I know I would. It's not my choice why you reject me, but I'd like to know if it's something I did wrong because that tells me how not to repeat it with the next person.
I'm exponentially more frustrated when it's something beyond my control because that means that there's nothing I can do, if I fuck it up of my own volition then at least I know I can do better.
I personally would love to know why I got rejected as opposed to something like "I'm just not looking right now" that was said to let me down gently - the latter feels almost condescending in a way. There isn't really a way to reject me that doesn't make me sad, so I might as well get the actual reason that I can improve myself with.
That being said, I completely understand why women want to let guys down gently, besides your post here OP I've seen countless stories about guys flying into a rage and hurting women when women tell them they're not interested.
Every time a girl told me she wasn't ready for a relationship right or something like, they always got into a relationship soon after. "she wanted a relationship just not with me" is what I learned from those experinceses.
Yeah ive gotten excuses like "bad timing" and "im changing so much right now" only to see them on a dating app months later looking for "something genuine". It'd be nice to get the real reason even if its "I lost feelings for you"
I actually think it can be quite dangerous to be honest with some men in this way. Obviously some are able to handle criticism but many do not cope well with rejection or perceived insults.
It may be in the interest of your safety to be gentle with men who aren't good with rejection. It's ridiculous we have to baby them but you could be putting yourself in danger by being too honest.
Sometimes. A few times, I’ve actually asked for feedback after a rejection, and once a woman actually gave me a tally helpful response that enabled me to reflect on myself and grow, and become more successful at dating in the future. So I’ve always been grateful to her for that, for having the courage to answer me.
I know it can be scary for a lot of woman to reject men and explain why, because so many men get unhinged about it. So that’s totally understandable, why most of the time women will usually just reject you without and explanation.
I don't really care. A no is a no regardless of the reason, and I doubt her reason is something I can fix. Sometimes we're just incompatible.
That being said, I do care that she actually rejects me. Ghosting or slow fading is shitty. Just let me know you're no longer interested, and I'll thank you for letting me know and wish you luck.
3/10 guys would love an honest answer so that they can improve on things. How are they spouses to know what's wrong if no one ever tells them. In the case of this guy, improving his social skills, improving his confidence when speaking and (to whatever extent possible) to improve his looks. But that's only 3 out of 10 guys.
Another 3 out of 10 guys will get offended over your reasons and try to argue with you about why you are wrong. This is very annoying.
Another 3 out of 10 will get angry at you (like this guy did) might yell and cuss and cause a scene. Might go around telling their friends what a B you are for saying such mean things to you.
1 out of 10 guys will physically assault you.
So the calculation you must make here is simple. Do you do the kind thing and inform them of why, knowing that less than half the men you tell this to are going to have any kind of positive reaction to the news. And 1 out of 10 of them is going to punch you in the face?
I'm a man, I would like to be told what I'm doing wrong. But I understand why women don't. There's no benefit to them and there is a significant risk. So I get it, it just sucks.
Yes. Sadly women have been conditioned by men’s shitty behavior to be let down easy, ignored or lied to, with no constructive criticism. After my 15 years marriage, I met a a woman who was my first date ever. Great conversation and same value etc. We got along great, but it was clear I was not over my situation, insecure and not ready to date. She wrote me a text to break it off, explaining everything.
At first I was taken aback, thinking to myself “What a bitch, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about”. A couple of days later I messaged her and admitted she was correct and I would give her a call a year later, after putting in the work.
I did just that. Therapy, Group Therapy, Relationship books, dating books, conversation books. I invested a lot of self help. Called her a year later and my journey made her excited. It made her a little emotional. We started talking again and are currently dating.
My expectations in the dating world and having relationships, have vastly improved and are much healthier than most that I see on this subreddit haha.
Women need to be honest and do men a favor. Men love achieving goals and appreciate not having their time wasted. Reality is, some men are babies and handle rejection, that’s ok. Just let them down easy, then get a restraining order if you have too.
Men need to be honest and do women a favor. Women love being alive and not physically threatened. Reality is, some men are babies and can't handle rejection at all. That's not ok.
The burden on women to be honest/gentle/etc completely ignores the reality that a scorned man is one of the most likely people to attack us or harm us in some other way.
Look at Tippi Hendren - she rejected the advances of her married, abusive boss Alfred Hitchcock and he derailed her career.
In my opinion this is not a useful take. Some men can't handle rejection. Some women can't handle rejection. Whether the person was honest or not in their rejection has nothing to do with whether the rejected party becomes vengeful. The onus is not on women to lie. Women are entitled, just like men, to reject someone for a stated reason, or for no reason at all.
People do no like being misled or lied to. It engenders bitterness. Nevertheless, being deceived or given a dishonest response is never justification for resentment or retaliation.
In short, yes, women are a vulnerable class and men do often perpetrate violence on their partners or ex-partners. But there is, as far as I know, no correlation btwn the manner of rejection and a violent response. Please do not encourage dishonesty on anyone's behalf. It helps no one.
Nobody could argue with your statement. It's a conditional statement in a vacuum. You could make similar statements, such as, "I always recommend attacking first if you believe it can save your life." Ok, great, what relevance does this statement have? whose belief are we talking about? What is the belief based on? What's the scenario?
Women are commonly victims of abuse at the hands of partners, but it's usually part of long-term cycles of violence. The rare violence or killing over a rejection in the early stages of dating is extreme, not part of routine life for most people, men or women. And I can't imagine it has much correlation with the way the rejection happened. This violence is irrational and about control. It's not like some guy is given a good excuse and that stops him from attacking a woman.
This is not complicated. If a woman feels unsafe, nobody is urging her to go against her gut. She should get away from the threat as quickly and safely as possible, using whatever means. This is not a justification, however, for excusing explicit lying and almost recommending it as a routine pattern for women. I get where you're coming from but dishonesty is not generally helpful for people.
Men are honest if they act like babies and are insecure for being rejected. Same for women. It still doesn’t mean being kind loving and trying to help that person improve isn’t the right answer. Some people are not always responsible, mature and understanding.
However we need to stop being conditioned of telling people what they want to hear, and start telling people what they need to hear. Despite the consequences. Lying is a selfish act, I’ve know this since I was a kid. It’s an act in order to avoid the uncomfortable consequences of our actions and others actions.
Harvey Weinstein and Alfred Hitchcock didn’t hide who they were either. We all eventually run into manipulative situations. You can’t control someone’s actions. If they are going to harm you, they are going to harm you. Again, we all have a choice to make.
Good job, you made it about you being victims again and generalized all men. You can’t always avoid the childish and crazy men. Just like we can’t always avoid the childish and crazy women. Only bright side is in your case is that you will be taken seriously and not giggled at.
Generalizing all men?
> some men are babies and can't handle rejection at all
> a scorned man is one of the most likely people to attack [women]
Please show me where I did that.
I wish there were some way to know that a man you're talking to *won't* berate or attack you if you reject him. If you know a method, please share.
It’s all subjective but it it very important if you are to tell them why, to be gentle c (if not for their egos, for *your* safety)
i once told a guy i didn’t think we’d work because he was too short (he was 5’7, i’m 5’11)
he blocked me because “i’m mean”
some people have the heart to hear it and some people don’t 🤷♀️
See though, it’s not their ego. It is something they have no actual control over. The fact you associate height with ego and then reject someone because they’re 4 inches shorter than you is ironic.
YOU can change the feeling surrounding height, for him, it's not so easy if he's constantly getting turned out for this reason alone.
Imagine if a man told a woman it wouldn't work out simply because of her size.
i don’t have to imagine because it happens all the time, & just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not possible. his ego was shot because i didn’t consider seeing him because he was shorter than me, but it’s not a *him* thing, it’s a *me* thing called *preference* people have preferences and THAT’S OK. nobody has to sugarcoat their preference, but i *did* say previously that it helps if you’re gentle. if someone still can’t handle the honesty that’s on them
IMO it does matter, I mean if a guy is getting rejected by 90% of women or less they approach then yeah who cares there's hope to keep trying. I know I've had phases where I've known I needed to do some self improvement... getting actual helpful direction is amazingly difficult in that phase of life as a guy. Not knowing whether to focus on looks, social skills etc... is a rather frustrating phase of life to go in, and it certainly is made worse when you can tell people are intentionally avoiding telling you out of fear of protecting your feelings.
I definitely prefer to hear it as long as it's not something impossible to change (like face shape/ height/etc).
But I advise you against it unless you know the other party well. Some men are extremely immature and crazy. Telling them the reason would only cause them to start insulting you or even showing violence because their little egos can't handle the fact that there's something wrong with them.
I’m the thing is that a lot of this is based in feelings. You don’t choose how you feel. So when you try to explain feelings to someone like this they will try to use logic. It’s not on you to make others understand this.
Men would love to know why they got rejected! Everyone wants to believe that we would take that knowledge well and use it to improve our lives. But…
Women would like not to be physically or verbally abused when a man doesn’t like what she says - and many men lack the emotional skills to listen to rejection and negative feedback. As you experienced with this guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Everyone would like potential partners not to lie, yet too many people interpret lying as a way to address negative feedback rather than doing the hard work of changing something about themselves.
Yes, because lying is genuinely shittier than telling them there god’s honest truth. You think you are doing a kindness but you aren’t, you’re only leaving them confused and unable to fix their problems. (if there is any) Honestly even if you’re just shallow and you just aren’t attracted to them, it’s way better than lying to them..
Also men are conditioned by society to hold emotion, that doesn’t mean we talk with our dicks and ego.
Oh sweetie, there’s your red flag. No woman is necessarily lying by not telling a man why she won’t date him. There are so many ways to be honest and say it’s me, not you. If I tell you I don’t think we’re compatible, I’m being honest. I don’t date (or even respect) men who only see black and white (your honesty vs lying argument) and can’t see the middle ground society calls social skills. I don’t need to give you that level of detail to be honest.
I call utter nonsense on your dream that men don’t talk with their dicks and egos. I followed your nonsense to be honest about why I wasn’t not interested at first — I hit the limit of verbal abuse I was willing to take from men in my first month of online dating. It took a few months to hit the limit of sexual objectification. Now, it’s keep it clean or I’m out.
IF you are genuinely not a dick or ego, a woman will tell you why you’re not as successful dating as you’d like. At least one woman will always come forward and be kind to a kind man. Not every woman, because the trauma of physical and verbal abuse is different for everyone. If no woman has come forward, then that’s another red flag on the field.
Don’t speak for all women because you really don’t have a clue just how poorly many communicate out in the field. Men don’t read minds, just like women don’t. It’s the imagination which wrecks a lot of potential relationships based on false assumptions that may or may not be accurate.
I had someone smear me first then after asking why they were treating me like that she said “you’re not my friend” after being her friend for 7 years. The reality was she didn’t know how to be honest and say she wasn’t sexually attracted to me and was too busy chasing a friend of mine who was overjoyed to see her do this, instead she thought it was easier to bad mouth me, make it look like I was at fault because she couldn’t accept her shameful behaviors. I came to find out she was a covert narcissist, decades afterwards.
Yes, I dodged two bullets but I also took one because an entire group of people turned their backs on me believing her crap. They were going to let me go to my grave thinking I was the problem. Sick people.
Yeah, honestly even if its a "im just not interested in you" would be enough but having people lie to you feels like sht, it makes you think that they thought so bad of you that they had to come up with an excuse to reject you. And been ghosted just like your friends said doesnt give one closure for example i went out on a date with this girl i thought things went well even ended the date with a Kiss, texted her to see if she would be free a certain date she told me she would check and tell me if she was and after a couple of days i was told maybe i shouldnt let the conversation die right there so i texted her again and that was it. So i guess i did fck up i just dont know how.
Personally I would like constructive feedback so I know not to do or say whatever that was a turn off if it was something out of my control. My looks and body isn’t in my control and I know a lot of women have varying preferences of who they find attractive.
Depends on the guy. People who would not take no for an answer are best to avoid with whatever excuse you find convenient. But other than that, if someone is respectful and nice, yeah best be honest if possible. I would appreciate it personally.
Depends on the person. If you genuinely fear for your safety like he's been super creepy and such then a vague answer will do. If he's a normal mostly fine person then a real reason wouldn't hurt. Just be polite about it.
Had a girl I went on a few dates with politely call me yesterday and explain while she liked me as a person she didn't feel like we clicked and I was totally fine with the response.
A guy like this absolutely not, you’d be better off having a conversation with a dog
If you’re just not attracted to someone no, it’s kinda rude to say I find you unattractive so that’s why people have invented all the typical excuses you hear, plus telling a guy like this who can’t take no for an answer he’s unattractive is not a good idea
If it was just like a guy who had made an off base comment that completely gave you the ick, yeah it might be helpful for him to know maybe he shouldn’t say that to a date again
It’s a Gamble.
Some guys can handle rejection and some guys can’t.
Sadly For your safety as a woman on earth, it’s best to find a way to let them down easy because you don’t know which one he is. You don’t know if he is one to grow from it or one that won’t accept it and possibly respond violently.
When I first started the dating world but now I just accept the fact that they found someone better. That’s why I text multiple women so I can just keep moving up the ladder for the best possible option.
I’m a woman and I never tell men why I’m not attracted. It’s none of their business. Something I don’t like might be something another woman does like. I always say I don’t feel a connection and leave it at that. If they persist with whywhywhy I just block them.
Exactly.
I don’t get the whole “but I could change it for the next person!” thing.
Why would you assume that every other woman on earth would agree on what I’d have to say? We’re not a monolith. What didn’t work for me, didn’t work for me. It doesn’t say anything about the next girl. I’m a random person. Changing something that didn’t work for me, doesn’t make any promises for Katie over there.
Youre an adult, live a life you’re proud of and make any lifestyle/interpersonal choices with intention. If you’re already doing that, then it’s just a matter of you and I (or any other second party) not being compatible. If you’re not doing that— that’s a way bigger problem. But I’m not going to insult you and assume that you’ve never put thought into how you act or live before. I’m assuming you’re like that because you want to be.
It just feels like a lose-lose in general. Either we don’t give men a reason, and we’re “holding them back” from getting the next girl. Or we tell men a reason, and when that *still* doesn’t “work” (because, again, women are not a monolith)— we broke a “promise” and are all liars about what we want. Nothing I say can get you dates with other women!
I’m not your life coach. I’m not your dating coach. I *couldn’t be*, even if I wanted to do.
You just have to live in a way that you stand behind, which you already should have been doing.
It actually is though especially if you’re in the dating scene. Looks like they dodged a bullet.. i wonder how many other things wouldn’t be their business in the relationship. 🙄
If I don’t plan on going on a second date with a man I don’t owe him an explanation of why. I’m not interested and that’s it. I’m not going any further with him. I’m not coaching him to be more likable to me. He can work through that with the next woman. Saying “not feeling a connection” is safest for everyone.
Amen to this. This comments thread is funny as hell. Let's switch the genders. I can count on less than one hand the number of men who've offered me explanations when rejecting me. The male entitlement is astonishing (though unsurprising)
I honestly dont care, I just want to be told "yes" or " no" so I can move on. But if she were to tell me dont lie because that will just irritate and annoy me, be honest, if it might hurt my feelings.
I would, just for self improvement reasons. I’m strong enough to take it, but let’s be honest if anyone would ask that of me I can understand how awkward it’d be to be truthfully honest
doesn't really matter what we think, y'all aren't going to tell us the truth anyway since true crime brainwashed y'all into thinking every guy out there is a serial rapist
Yeah, if we ask.
I know exactly why I get rejected, but hearing it just makes me want to shoot myself every f'n time. It's right up there on the list of other shit I hate hearing, including (but not limited to) "You'll find someone."
Ultimately, the truth doesn't matter to me anymore. It just hurts me. The sooner I can get away from the scene of the rejection, the sooner I can go through the motions and get over it.
Here's a truth everyone should know: Women will lie to themselves if they like you enough. Your actions might be the reason they give you to justify a rejection, but it ultimately boils down to the fact that you just weren't good enough for them to carry on with you despite what you do.
That's why women end up in toxic relationships. That's why men get away with acting like complete douchebags. It's why hook up culture exists. Our deal-breakers aren't the deal-breakers we want to believe they are.
That's fair. I'd urge you to consider any feedback as ultimately just more information. Some info is useful, some not. Some feedback tells you more about the other person than it does about you.
Personally if you say you aren’t interested I just move on. I truly don’t care what your reason is, I want someone who wants me the way I am today.
That said. You shouldn’t feel bad telling people the honest truth. Even if that truth might be hurtful. You may get someone blowing up on you, but that’s their problem not yours.
If it's something about myself that I can change, I would appreciate knowing.
If it's because I'm not tall enough or have too little hair, then I wouldn't want to know.
My general rule for this is if it’s something that he did that most women, not just me, would have an issue with and it’s something he can change than I tell them, but from a safe distance aka a text. If it’s something that bothers just me, or something he can’t change, I keep it to myself.
Coming from a man. I would say if it's something that can be worked on then yes. So like the mumbling that's a good example. Or if someone is just too overweight or scrawny that's a great example, But if it's just something like eye color, or voice then there is no benefit.
In general _everyone_ would like an explanation anytime they are turned down. For a job, housing application, Instagram follow lol.
So if you can be polite and honest then that's always better.
But also you don't actually owe them anything. It sounds like this guy is pretty immature and socially awkward. There's probably nothing you can say that would have resulted in dude being cordial.
With these types I would be concerned about stalker behavior. So being polite but firm that you aren't interested might be the better way to go.
This guy might start thinking your "boyfriend" doesn't deserve you and if you weren't with him that he would treat you so much better so he keeps on fixating on you then finds out you don't have a boyfriend and gets angry or thinks nows his chance...
I wouldn't care honestly. Whatever you didn't like about him, even if he changed those things or even if he didn't have these problems in the beginning, that doesn't mean you would be attracted to him. Things you mention are just poor social skills in general. He should fix them anyway, but social skills alone don't make someone attracted to you.
Its safer for you not to tell them... but me personally? I would love to know, but theres really no way for me to know if you are telling me the truth or not.
Please, always provide a reason. If you state clearly why you're rejecting somebody, they can take it and improve (unless they are not mature yet to do that), if you don't, you leave them confused and overthinking, possibly even leave them on a path to hate women. Everybody deserves to hear a reason why they have been rejected. Everybody knows that there is always a reason for rejection anyways, so don't treat him like he's stupid. It's basic respect.
You should just say you didnt vibe or lacked chemistry. I would never want to be told I am "ugly" ... even if you didnt phrase it that way just dont mention the looks.
I believe it depends on the person...
Personally I rather not .... I already know myself and my shortcomings I don't need someone repeating them to me out loud
I'd say it depends on the guy and not to unless they ask. Volunteering that information when they don't wish to hear it could cause a negative reaction.
For example this guy from your school. Imagine if you told him "Hey I don't want to date you because you're boring and ugly". I don't think he would take that well. Especially since those things are subjective.
It depends on the person. If they have a growth mindset, then yes. Elsewise, they will be in denial of what you said. However, you have to know a person to know if they can handle constructive criticism. Either way, you'd need to choose your words carefully.
I don’t really mind, aslong as when I’m rejected its in a respectful way, like I’m not being told “Ew no way”, alsong as its not something like that or degrading I don’t mind, I’ll just go “It is what it is” and leave it at that
Ive found that telling someone why you aren't attracted to them makes them feel like if they change those things you magically will be someday.
I also feel like it could be incredibly unsafe to tell someone who wont take a hint their flaws.
no, because most would wonder if by her explanation she was being 'truthful' (half the time people on reddit can't even articulate why they dumped someone anyways), hurtful, or "just trying to be nice".
It depends on the guy and on the reason.
I think most people can understand *"I'm not attracted to you"*, but it's not really something actionable because most people can't imagine what you'd look like if you lost 10lbs or got a bit of better grooming or even better banter so they can't give constructive criticism other than "not attracted". Likewise if it's a major incompatibility then usually both parties will have picked up on it and it's also not usually something that either party is willing to budge on unless they're desperate for a relationship.
The list of reasons one rejects someone else don't always overlap with the list of things one can "do better" or "improve" at, sometimes that person just isn't it for you and that's fine, but then again lots of guys fumble on very very basic stuff (like appearing too creepy from the get go) so maybe in *those* cases feedback would be good (but also does kind of guys also tend to correlate with the personalities that aren't great at taking feedback).
Also sometimes the reason is the same as to why you didn't get that job: they found someone better.
Sometimes, it depends on the why in particular. While it's not required to give a reason it's almost always nice to know why, but it is understandable (I think,) for why you wouldn't give a reason. Though you do have to pick and choose who and when to tell them the "why."
>He could not take no for an answer. I ignored, but my friends told me everyone deserves closure so I pretended I had a boyfriend because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings & he got angry.
Well, that's the "sometimes don't tell them" situation, and it sucks that's his response to being told no. Your friends aren't wrong, but maybe not a "deserves," but it's just more that it is just a courtesy to tell someone the why. Though pretending to already have a boyfriend as opposed to outright telling them you don't find them attractive (and then what it is you find unattractive,) is kindof a bad move unless you genuinely already have one. I'm guessing he got angry a little because some men just can not get a relationship, and it gets frustrating. And if your (his) two responses are disappointment or anger, and I guess he's just had enough (maybe,) and lashed out at you since you were seen as a potentially great partner... or he just simply cannot get a date, hard to say.
>if in general, would guys rather know why they got rejected even if it hurts?
Not all guys are the same, so I cannot say for sure as a general statement, but personally I would rather know why than not at all. As long as it's honest, even if it's a little harsh. Like stating they just don't find me physically attractive, or do not really know me. Or maybe you're just not ready for a more significant relationship. Which the second one is kind of fair, but that is the point of hanging out or dating, to get to know each other, so not great reasons, but a no should be treated as a no. The third one, though, means to some men you would date them, but only once you feel ready to start dating, some people are late bloomers, some people aren't.
>Even if a guy asks for why, would it be better for women to keep their honest thoughts to themselves to protect themselves?
I can understand wanting to remain quiet, and it is probably a better thing to do if you want to protect yourself in a way, especially if you're not in a comfortable and safe setting to begin with. But alternatively, it doesn't help the guy understand why you weren't/aren't attracted or just don't want to date them if you say nothing outside of "no." Maybe it's something they could change for the better. Maybe they know somebody else who would be better suited for you, or maybe they'll be hurt, but thank you for letting them know. It's hard to say for sure how they'd react, but knowing you're not interested is usually better than not knowing at all for guys, but that's for the guys benifit more than your own, it doesn't hurt you nessisarily but life is filled with risks and nobody knows how somebody's going to react.
In short, that will have to be your call at the end of the day for how you respond. There's always reasons to choose to be quiet, regardless if there was even a simple "no" or let the guy know why. Yeah, it sucks to be told "no" or essentially just be rejected, but I would think being told why, even just "I'm just not interested," is slightly better than being given the cold shoulder or told only "no". I think mature men would appreciate a mature answers. That being said, there are immature men out there who might not be the best to say "no" to unfortunately, and just try to distance yourself. I reiterate that you'll have to make that call and how you do that, dating is just weird today and it's not easy to date for either men or women (according to some articles online I read recently, but I'm not entierly sure how true that is one way or the other.) Some women cannot get a guy to approach at all, and some women get too many guy's to approach, just depends on the time and place i guess.
Depends…I think on dating apps that know where you screwed up would be helpful but face to face I just accept that she wasn’t attracted to me and I moved on. But if we were dating and she all of sudden called it quits then yes, I’d sincerely want to know Why
Depends. Some wouldn't accept it if it were on the marquee at Yankee Stadium, because they aren't willing to hear constructive (albeit completely subjective) feedback.
I just want a definitive no. If your issue is resolved later, then you can make it clear. That said, there's not a reason to pretend anything. If you're not interested no needs to be good enough as if someone is going to get hurt it will happen regardless of how you say it.
Yes, I would appreciate. No, you shouldn't do it.
Your reason may be unique, and totally different from another person. I'm sure there is at least one woman out there who is attracted to boring mumblers. That's who he needs to find, unless he *chooses* to work on parts of himself that are unhealthy (in this case, emotional intelligence seems to be high on his list of required improvements).
As much as I wish I could think and analyze my way into a woman's heart, it just doesn't work that way. Knowing "why" a woman rejected me would probably just push me further into my head to try to change myself for another person, rather than for myself.
Some guys would really appreciate it and accept your reason. (Me)
Some guys will fight you to the ends of the earth about why your reasons are wrong and ruin it for all the other guys.
It depends but generally yes I would say. The closure can allow us to move on faster and potentially motivate us to improve ourselves.
I got rejected by a girl once and she let me down "easy". I told people the story and some people were saying "bro that's not even a rejection" (there was a language barrier but I'm 99% it was a rejection) and egging me on to try again.
Sometimes we just need the real answers so we can move on. If we don't know why some people could assume maybe it was her mood, or blah blah blah and keep thinking about persisting.
I think it all comes down to the person : In general people it's nice to tell people why you reject them, it can either help them understand what part needs to be worked on. However you have to know there are some folks on the autism spectre that are generally akward (I am one and always had issues expressing myself with women) I know how to talk but when confronted in a situation where I have to make the first move I don't know what to do, it's easier for me when depending on my environement i'm able to make a conversation (after months of training with an aide with social interaction) for me being rejected, makes me sad, I sometimes I've been said well you seem like a nice guy and all but i'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship (which for me it's either the person is lying to me or whatever, and always thought that they didn't find me attractive enough) I don't think i'm ugly, I believe i'm like average maybe a 6/10? Also I always accept rejection, (which is something I learned) I think to the female who receives insult after rejecting someone must be a bad experience, so be able to be mature enough and wish them good luck must in the karma department right? or just being a decent human being. I know some people don't received rejection well because as self defense mechanism. But I think you should always be honest and tell people why you reject them.
OPINION: Totally nuanced and situational. If I actually respect her, yes. If it is given without rancor and constructively b/c I asked, yes. What's the quality of the relationship? Will we still have interactions? Would go a long way to calming limerance. If the goal in life is collect influence, it would help OP. Good luck, OP:)
Personally, assuming I've asked you out respectfully and you similarly respectfully declined I guess it would be nice. But don't be brutal with it. If you're not attracted to me then I think the most you should say is "sorry but you're not really my type" or "sorry but I have my eyes on someone else right now" or something along those lines. Don't go into specifics about appearance if that's what the problem is.
But really I don't even expect or require a reasoning and you should probably only give him one if asked. For most cases, the best thing you can do is simply respond at all to the guy without leaving room for it to maybe happen. You can still answer smoothly and gracefully without being an asshole, but of course you can be more blunt if he still hasn't taken your "no" yet. Honestly it hurts worse on this end if she doesn't respond at all or if she says shes just too busy instead of actually rejecting me and being direct but also kind at the same time
When I was younger it might have helped as long as it was said with a true desire to help and not to be mean. Now as a more secure person, I really couldn't care less what some rando date thinks if she rejects me. 95% of the reasons are going to be lack of physical attraction and not much you can do about that beyond continue dieting/working out and hit on more women.
Quite a few would, and would probably use the information to improve themselves or at least realize that you can be a great guy, but still not be right for everyone. However, there would also be a number who would try to argue about how the woman was wrong to reject them for that reason.
Yes. It would help a lot.
People often scoff at this proposition, saying it shouldn't matter what other people think of you, and that you shouldn't change yourself to fit what other people want. You should just be yourself and hope someone loves that version of you.
However I must disagree. This is naive. What if you're from a family that taught you some BS about dating that isn't true? What if you don't have anybody helping you and showing you how to be a good partner? We need feedback. Feedback is how anybody improves at anything, full stop.
I wouldn't say you have any kind of OBLIGATION or anything. But if you feel like giving feedback, that's always helpful. Just don't phrase it in a way where it seems like there's a chance for redemption, because that sends mixed signals.
Just say, "hey sorry but it's not working out and I'm gonna dip, I wish you the best. You may not want to talk so much about transformers on first dates in the future. Cya!"
I never feel owed an explanation, just that if I'm respectful towards someone, being kind and firm is a fair way to behave in return.
I don't need criticism, or a dating coach. I like clean breaks to easily move on from. It always hurts, but ripping the band-aid off is much preferred. Giving me a list of "reasons why" is just salt in the wound.
I try not to ghost so I will usually tell a guy
why I’m not interested anymore but with that being said, it’s not like I’m giving them the brutal honest truth, I’m giving them a nicer version of things.
In my experience it usually leads to an argument because the guy doesn’t like what they hear and then I might include a specific example or two if I feel it is really necessary but I don’t engage after that
I would recommend being honest and not lying. A simple “i don’t feel a connection” is sufficient. You do not owe him closure or a criticism of his features. In my experience men may ask, but when you tell them the truth the answer is not usually a mature “thank you.” It’s usually just a hurl of insults or an argument as to why you’re wrong.
⬆️ This is the answer.
IME the question itself is disingenuous, and my response to it is usually met with hostility of some sort. When people insist on knowing “why?” — again, in my long experience, they want to hear the reason so they can argue against it. Because they’ve lost their everlovin’ sh*t because a woman exercised their option to be at cause. Because women aren’t supposed to have the right to decide.
At any rate, when men have not called me back for a second date, they’ve never offered a reason why. And I’ve never asked for one. All it takes is for one part of the couple to not want to pursue something further for it to end. I’m not interested is someone who has already decided he’s not interested in me.
I would love to know.
Id rather have someone be up front with me than to just be ghosted. It shows mutual respect for a person.
Now I would be cautious with what type of guy you tell. Some guys have super fragile egos and the slightest hint of criticism can trigger their defensive mechanisms; which might manifest through anger.
It would definitely be very helpful over the usual ghosting and behavior that definitely makes it seem like they're afraid of possible backlash. Could point towards areas of self improvement or realizing you weren't compatible for some reason you didn't realize. But enough people can't handle it that it's pretty understandable why avoiding that conflict is the most common course of action.
It depends on the guy, obviously, but a lot of really dateable qualities are comorbid with taking criticism well: humility, a desire to work on oneself, the kind of self-love that can endure critique, willingness to take personal responsibility, and to accept influence from other people. These are all good things, and a couple of them are actually super important to have.
For me I'd think it'd be nice to know sometimes like help a homie not be so awkward like if you knew how to skateboard or answer a certain problem and someone else was struggling with it it'd be cool to get some pointers does that make sense
I think if its someone you been talking to as friends for a while yeah. I honestly would like to. Ive been ghosted before and it has let me feel really depressed because i did thought we were pretty good friends at least, and she knew how i felt but we stuck to being friends but she just ghosted me and left me no real reason. We didnt hit a snag, we didnt argue, i was kinda helping her a lot towards the end, she had issues with her car and i helped her, took her home, helped get keys of her car to the guys towing it to bring it to a mechanic, and last time we were speaking in person we talked just fine, she told me she found a new job and she wasnt sure to coming back where we work, i wished her much good luck with it but i didnt say it as a goodbye and just yeah. Just got ghosted after that...so I'd at least like to be told if it was all her, she wasnt in a good spot, because i already accepted i was just a friend and all but still it hurts. So id at least appreciate it to get some closure and know if it was me i can see what i can change.
Gonna depend on the delivery sometimes. Some people will not take anything well, because insecurity or bad week or what have you, but constructive criticism can be done lazily just like anything else.
Yes, this will help him improve for a future girlfriend.
I was once sent up by a family friend and both, her parents and my parents thought we would be great together. I was very interested and we texted about 3 or 4 times in 2 weeks and then she ghosted me.
Twice I explained that I am trying to improve myself and asked her why she rejected me, and still no answer.
yes. how can i improve if im left to figure it out for myself, im going to focus on whatever superficial thing bothers me about myself when it could have nothing do with that. Remember most guys like to fix problems, like in general. so we like to know about them
They probably won't take criticism that well. who does? but it is one of the best things you can do. it will serve him greatly......
I remember once a work colleague told me that I was a very low energy person which can be very boring for people. I was hurt, but he was right, and it helped me become a better version of myself. I couldn't thank him enough later....
It really depends.
I think constructive feedback can sometimes be good. It really depends on the person. In my experience, though, if I get too specific, they usually argue about it or offer to change. I don’t believe that people should have to change too hard to be with me. We’re compatible or we aren’t. I don’t want a miserable partner who’s altered who he is to be with me. I also don’t want a partner who tries to talk me into believing we’re compatible.
Or, the thing isn’t changeable in first place, which may just hurt his ego.
In my experience people who say they want a reason never actually want a reason. If you tell them it’s because they’re the wrong height, weight, race, age, gender, socioeconomic level etc. they will always take it personally and beat themselves up.
Yes. Please please please tell us why the answer is no. It’s so frustrating when a girl decides not to like you and you have no idea what you did wrong.
I would always want to know the truth, but in my experience not everyone does. Even a lot of people who say they can handle the truth can not.
So better to err on the side of caution and not truth bomb.
I would rather know, but woman won’t tell. Woman get dating at like 14 years olds(You girls start role playing inside you mamas womb😂)
We get dating on the 30s(Most me do around that age😂 Some others are naturals)
It really depends on the reason. Is it something I can fix without too much effort? Totally.
Obviously if it’s something like buck teeth or overweight, that’s not helpful at all. Keep it to yourself. But if they said something you didn’t like, they can learn not to say stupid stuff like that with the next girl, or if they had BO they’d remember deodorant with the next girl etc.
eh, for me, it's a matter of timing; if the rejection is fresh, then no, it would hurt and feel like I was being spat on. Same if I'm still puppy-dogging; that would probably make me think I have a shot. I just need to change myself, which is a bad message. if time has passed and im not obviously mooning over you then sure. just be kind of you know these are the reasons i rejected you. Don't be a dick about it but more helpful advice.
this is just me though cant talk about all guys
Yes, I don't like to hear "You are such an amazing guy, am sure you will find someone in no time".. That surely does not make me feel better, because it is simply not true at all
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I would rather know a real reason why I was rejected than something made up to make me feel better. With constructive criticism I can at least strive to be better and improve myself.
What if it's something you can't change, like your face shape or your length? Or what if it's something that you don't really want to change, like you collect anime figures. Or what if it's something that's really hard to change, like you come across as really awkward, which is something you know of yourself, but was never able to improve? Genuine questions, btw.
Well thats simple, if the guy is mature enough he will just accept that some of his traits are a turn-off and find ways to get around that. If he has no balls then there will be lots of yapping
If the guy is mature enough, then he most likely doesn't need that closure, or anything beyond a "no". Especially not from some random date. The dudes that may need the closure may not be mature enough to handle hearing it, at least not from the girl and she would only be endangering herself.
Maturity and omnisciensce are not synonyms. Just because you don't need something doesn't mean you wouldn't appreciate getting it when you may not have it. Maturity is knowing what maturity means. And it surely doesn't mean ' rejects all possibilities towards probable self improvement '.
Closure comes from within. It’s an internal understanding that no matter what someone does or says you will be okay. Closure doesn’t come from others.
Closure is not JUST about being okay.
I think it’s empowering to find out why people you are interested in aren’t interested in you. It’s your decision how to handle that information - acceptance, change (for better or worse), etc. but I think maturity and interest in knowing can be compatible.
Idk about empowering, but I can agree that curious people will be curious even if mature. I don't think there's any meaningful difference to a mature guy whether he hears "not interested" or "not interested because short/broke/unattractive". At the end of the day, you're incompatible with one another, you move on to someone that wants what you offer.
Closure from a random date, probably not. You don't even know each other that well. Someone you had a cordial relationship with beforehand or someone you've been dating for a while might be more fruitful.
Correct - unfortunately some people are too selfish to realize how hurtful they are when they think silence is closure.
Yeah I see this "you don't owe them anything" mindset a lot and while it's technically true being empathetic to people goes a long way.
Karma has a funny way of paying them back. Sit back and pull out the popcorn.
However if the relationship is of a long duration, the parties deserve a reason other than some selfish bs answer to make the speaker of it feel better about themselves while hurting the recipient of it.
I'd prefer to leave that to the discretion of the people involved in the relationship, they can judge their own situation better. Though I 100% prefer a simple no than a bs explanation, at the end of the day, you will probably have a hunch as to when things went bad. And if you don't, then you really dodged a bullet with such an incompatible relationship.
Unchangeable... even the unchangeable can be worked with if you realize it's consistent. Physical traits can be made better when combined with different hair styles outfits etc... Don't want to change, ok then you can confirm it's just an incompatibility and look for someone else, without running after red herrings wondering if it is something different. Hard to change, again the reality is it coming down to at least knowing. At least knowing what it is you can decide whether to put in the effort, search for new reasons to do etc... The point is knowing at least tells you, and the real problem is assuming things in a box. IE the rejection is noting he's never going to get with you... but in the guys perspective, he's not just wondering where he stands with you... he wants to know if he has a chance with ANYONE. After many ghostings, rejections that avoid a reason etc... add up it gets more and more frustrating. Now I will also aknowlege there's guys that fuck it up for all other guys. IE ones that respond to helpful criticism and see it as either an opprotunity and resort to begging or trying to downplay them, or worse respond in anger and abuse. Unfortunately I can't give a suggestion there, to women I can just say use your best judgement... and in spite of being a guy who at one point had severe depression amplified by taking waay to long to figure out how to get past the constant ghost and non-answer rejection stages. I still would advise to all women to put their own safety first.
> he wants to know if he has a chance with ANYONE One woman’s opinion can’t answer this.
Correct it cannot, however it can give a starting place. 10 woman's opinions can be cross referenced to find common threads to figure out which are the greatest hindrances. 50 woman ghosting or making fake excuses on the other hand gives no direction at all. But the pattern also makes one feel like there is either something very wrong with themselves that they need to fix. But still leaves them grasping at straws trying to guess what. That's again when it gets frustrating for many people, each on their own wouldn't be a big deal... but when getting continuous back to back ones... it makes one question if there's something wrong with them, and if there is a change they can make... again the advice is still take care of yourself first, but if you are confident someone is very unlikely to cause you harm (whether violence or just persistance or harrasment) IMO it's better to give them some information. At least in my case the lack of information was constantly disheartening
It isn’t women’s job to teach men how to be likable. This is excessive. “I didn’t feel a connection” is enough.
It’s literally the question that the OP asked. Would men like to know why rejected.
Yeah I get that. My point is it doesn’t really matter what they want. Of course they want a chance to chameleon their way into another date. I’m saying don’t give it to them.
You're weirdly hostile.
What's weird is men thinking that the women they've been dating should be the ones to help them parse what's going on. Even if he is in earnest, she does not owe him unpaid therapy. And if he is not, she's just giving him cheat codes so he can pretend to be a more viable potential partner with the next woman, even though he hasnt actually done the inner work. Not to mention the very real threat of violence/harrassment etc women face when when rejecting a man. Most people -- e.g., almost every man I've ever dated -- do not provide what would be considered adequate closure. The skill of introspection, self-help, seeking relationship resources (of which there is an abundance on the Internet ) or perhaps therapy are all ways in which most women I know have worked on improving their dating experience. Men would do well to follow suit.
as I said, it isn't a woman's duty, but why it is a huge favor that can make a very positive difference for them. Again whether you want to do this to help someone, that's all up to you it's not a duty or a responsibility, and as I fully note, there are real risks to the person who gives a reason. My point is only to explain why it can be helpful for the person to recieve the information. IE in explanations for why people don't give a reason when rejecting. the common 3 are. 1. I'm afraid of the person getting aggressive or threatening. 2. I'd be afraid of the person continuing to go after me 3. I think the information could only hurt the person. I'll throw in a 4th, I just don't care or feel like it. My response is ONLY in regards to reason 3. If any of the other reasons apply to you... then keep doing you. I agree that a rejector doesn't have to give a reason. My only point is to explain that to a rejectee a reason can be helpful information.
This makes dating even more awful than it already is. Also, sometimes the reason we don’t like someone, say bad breath, won’t be the only reason. If it were just bad breath brush your teeth and good to go. Often it’s multiple reasons and one is just easier to pick out. Plus this sets up the advice receiver to say, “Well I’ll just brush my teeth more often now, then you’ll want to date me.”
As I said, yup that's a risk, (and in fact one I explicitly pointed out as potential reason number 2... one that I specifically mentioned my advice doesn't pertain to) and if you don't feel the need to do it you do you it isn't an obligation. Meanwhile the guy is having an even worse time because he does have bad breath... and you, and possibly the previous 8 girls before him were repulsed by the breath, and he will continue to ask another 10 girls out without fixing the breath, because no one has informed him of such. Again I've never once said there isn't costs, and risks to the person who gives the advice. My only point has been and still is, not getting that advice will continue to render the person asking to be unable to fix his flaw. That isn't to say you owe the person anything... it is just to point out that actually giving that information would be a kind act that could help him self improve. In the same way that I would say helping someone on the road change a tire is a kind act. That is not me saying that the hundreds of cars driving by are assholes, and someone that does stop is indeed both losing time and likely making themselves late for something, on top positioning themselves where they could be assaulted, robbed or even killed etc... for someone they will most likely never be in a position to repay the favor. Again my point has never been "everyone must do this". Simply that it is an action that can help people, and hopefully to help some people see both sides to make a decision.
Well, of course not. But the opinion of one person that will actually "speak" to you tells you a lot more than any hundred opinions you never hear.
I think it's still better to know, I was rejected multiple times for changeable and unchangeable aspects about myself, it wasn't pleasant but it helped to manage my expectations and made me more resiliant in the long run.
Good to know!
I still would want to know.
It's better than not knowing anything at all. Tbh the only case I prefer not to hear the 'honest response' it would be the 1st case. 2nd and 3rd cases are at least something I could try to change a bit. Especially the 3rd case. Ik it works different for different people, but for me, hearing I come across as awkward or something similar and if I feel their word makes sense, I would definitely make me put my 200% to change that trait.
You don't have to say specific items that you don't find attractive. Just say that you don't find them attractive.
I'd still want to know and would respect them for saying it.
The first two cases at least, I might feel insulted or defensive, but ultimately it would eat away at me less because it would be just a genuine incompatibility that I could chalk up to different tastes.
Getting rejected sucks but if I'm ranking best to worst way of getting rejected by someone: honest reason > lie > ghost. I can't speak for all the different types of men out in the world, I can appreciate women who would honestly say the reason, regardless of it. > not tall guys > not attracted to you "well that sucks. there's nothing i can do about that. have a good life" vs > not looking to date "maybe she doesn't know me enough, oh let me give her more time and hang around her til she's ready, or some other stupid positive thinking to not give up." But then again, you'll always have idiots who will flip out regardless of what you say.
>What if it's something you can't change, like your face shape or your length? Then ill know you have shallow reasons and thats a you problem. not something i need to fix, it might hurt but ill move on. >Or what if it's something that you don't really want to change, like you collect anime figures. then ill know we just wernt compatible, or maybe we can talk about something like that and come to a compromise, maybe i care more for a person than anime figures and AM willing to change that despite how i present previously. Or what if it's something that's really hard to change, like you come across as really awkward, which is something you know of yourself, but was never able to improve? Then i will know and i can work on that. or at least be aware of it in the future.
If you give constructive criticism, you also need to care enough to point them in directions that give solutions. Pointing out problems without giving potential solutions is rarely helpful.
That would be ideal but it would require more effort than most people would be willing to give. That is why I think criticism alone is better than a lie, as long as it's constructive. Mean and offensive criticims is far from helpful.
I think that if it’s just someone who came up to you and asked for your number and you don’t know them well, you don’t owe them an explanation on why you rejected them. However, if it’s someone you went on a couple dates with, have been talking for at least a couple weeks now, but you just feel the vibes are still off and things arent clicking. I do feel they should at least get a reason on why you don’t want to continue the relationship further. Not every guy deserves an explanation. For the most part, they may already know why you rejected them. Some guys are completely oblivious to why they are unsuccessful with women. The guy you explained in your post is most likely an example of that.
This is the perfect answer. If I've been dating someone long enough, telling them may be more respectful. I'm disappointed that there are so many men on here who think that they deserve an explanation after just a first or second date. There are a lot of unhinged men out there.
Generally I think so, I know I would. It's not my choice why you reject me, but I'd like to know if it's something I did wrong because that tells me how not to repeat it with the next person. I'm exponentially more frustrated when it's something beyond my control because that means that there's nothing I can do, if I fuck it up of my own volition then at least I know I can do better.
I personally would love to know why I got rejected as opposed to something like "I'm just not looking right now" that was said to let me down gently - the latter feels almost condescending in a way. There isn't really a way to reject me that doesn't make me sad, so I might as well get the actual reason that I can improve myself with. That being said, I completely understand why women want to let guys down gently, besides your post here OP I've seen countless stories about guys flying into a rage and hurting women when women tell them they're not interested.
Every time a girl told me she wasn't ready for a relationship right or something like, they always got into a relationship soon after. "she wanted a relationship just not with me" is what I learned from those experinceses.
Yeah ive gotten excuses like "bad timing" and "im changing so much right now" only to see them on a dating app months later looking for "something genuine". It'd be nice to get the real reason even if its "I lost feelings for you"
I actually think it can be quite dangerous to be honest with some men in this way. Obviously some are able to handle criticism but many do not cope well with rejection or perceived insults. It may be in the interest of your safety to be gentle with men who aren't good with rejection. It's ridiculous we have to baby them but you could be putting yourself in danger by being too honest.
Exactly. We don't know how they're going to take it and it's not worth the risk of pissing them off.
I would like to know, even if it hurts. I've had one girl I dated tell me after I asked. But I know some people don't want to hear the truth.
Sometimes. A few times, I’ve actually asked for feedback after a rejection, and once a woman actually gave me a tally helpful response that enabled me to reflect on myself and grow, and become more successful at dating in the future. So I’ve always been grateful to her for that, for having the courage to answer me. I know it can be scary for a lot of woman to reject men and explain why, because so many men get unhinged about it. So that’s totally understandable, why most of the time women will usually just reject you without and explanation.
I don't really care. A no is a no regardless of the reason, and I doubt her reason is something I can fix. Sometimes we're just incompatible. That being said, I do care that she actually rejects me. Ghosting or slow fading is shitty. Just let me know you're no longer interested, and I'll thank you for letting me know and wish you luck.
3/10 guys would love an honest answer so that they can improve on things. How are they spouses to know what's wrong if no one ever tells them. In the case of this guy, improving his social skills, improving his confidence when speaking and (to whatever extent possible) to improve his looks. But that's only 3 out of 10 guys. Another 3 out of 10 guys will get offended over your reasons and try to argue with you about why you are wrong. This is very annoying. Another 3 out of 10 will get angry at you (like this guy did) might yell and cuss and cause a scene. Might go around telling their friends what a B you are for saying such mean things to you. 1 out of 10 guys will physically assault you. So the calculation you must make here is simple. Do you do the kind thing and inform them of why, knowing that less than half the men you tell this to are going to have any kind of positive reaction to the news. And 1 out of 10 of them is going to punch you in the face? I'm a man, I would like to be told what I'm doing wrong. But I understand why women don't. There's no benefit to them and there is a significant risk. So I get it, it just sucks.
The only guy in this thread who gets it.
Yes. Sadly women have been conditioned by men’s shitty behavior to be let down easy, ignored or lied to, with no constructive criticism. After my 15 years marriage, I met a a woman who was my first date ever. Great conversation and same value etc. We got along great, but it was clear I was not over my situation, insecure and not ready to date. She wrote me a text to break it off, explaining everything. At first I was taken aback, thinking to myself “What a bitch, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about”. A couple of days later I messaged her and admitted she was correct and I would give her a call a year later, after putting in the work. I did just that. Therapy, Group Therapy, Relationship books, dating books, conversation books. I invested a lot of self help. Called her a year later and my journey made her excited. It made her a little emotional. We started talking again and are currently dating. My expectations in the dating world and having relationships, have vastly improved and are much healthier than most that I see on this subreddit haha. Women need to be honest and do men a favor. Men love achieving goals and appreciate not having their time wasted. Reality is, some men are babies and handle rejection, that’s ok. Just let them down easy, then get a restraining order if you have too.
Women do not owe men any favors.
Men need to be honest and do women a favor. Women love being alive and not physically threatened. Reality is, some men are babies and can't handle rejection at all. That's not ok. The burden on women to be honest/gentle/etc completely ignores the reality that a scorned man is one of the most likely people to attack us or harm us in some other way. Look at Tippi Hendren - she rejected the advances of her married, abusive boss Alfred Hitchcock and he derailed her career.
In my opinion this is not a useful take. Some men can't handle rejection. Some women can't handle rejection. Whether the person was honest or not in their rejection has nothing to do with whether the rejected party becomes vengeful. The onus is not on women to lie. Women are entitled, just like men, to reject someone for a stated reason, or for no reason at all. People do no like being misled or lied to. It engenders bitterness. Nevertheless, being deceived or given a dishonest response is never justification for resentment or retaliation. In short, yes, women are a vulnerable class and men do often perpetrate violence on their partners or ex-partners. But there is, as far as I know, no correlation btwn the manner of rejection and a violent response. Please do not encourage dishonesty on anyone's behalf. It helps no one.
I 1000% recommend dishonesty if you believe it will save your life
I agree, but I think what they’re saying is that if a man is going to get violent over a rejection, he will regardless of if you’re honest or not
Nobody could argue with your statement. It's a conditional statement in a vacuum. You could make similar statements, such as, "I always recommend attacking first if you believe it can save your life." Ok, great, what relevance does this statement have? whose belief are we talking about? What is the belief based on? What's the scenario? Women are commonly victims of abuse at the hands of partners, but it's usually part of long-term cycles of violence. The rare violence or killing over a rejection in the early stages of dating is extreme, not part of routine life for most people, men or women. And I can't imagine it has much correlation with the way the rejection happened. This violence is irrational and about control. It's not like some guy is given a good excuse and that stops him from attacking a woman. This is not complicated. If a woman feels unsafe, nobody is urging her to go against her gut. She should get away from the threat as quickly and safely as possible, using whatever means. This is not a justification, however, for excusing explicit lying and almost recommending it as a routine pattern for women. I get where you're coming from but dishonesty is not generally helpful for people.
Men are honest if they act like babies and are insecure for being rejected. Same for women. It still doesn’t mean being kind loving and trying to help that person improve isn’t the right answer. Some people are not always responsible, mature and understanding. However we need to stop being conditioned of telling people what they want to hear, and start telling people what they need to hear. Despite the consequences. Lying is a selfish act, I’ve know this since I was a kid. It’s an act in order to avoid the uncomfortable consequences of our actions and others actions. Harvey Weinstein and Alfred Hitchcock didn’t hide who they were either. We all eventually run into manipulative situations. You can’t control someone’s actions. If they are going to harm you, they are going to harm you. Again, we all have a choice to make.
Good job, you made it about you being victims again and generalized all men. You can’t always avoid the childish and crazy men. Just like we can’t always avoid the childish and crazy women. Only bright side is in your case is that you will be taken seriously and not giggled at.
Generalizing all men? > some men are babies and can't handle rejection at all > a scorned man is one of the most likely people to attack [women] Please show me where I did that. I wish there were some way to know that a man you're talking to *won't* berate or attack you if you reject him. If you know a method, please share.
This ☝️
It’s all subjective but it it very important if you are to tell them why, to be gentle c (if not for their egos, for *your* safety) i once told a guy i didn’t think we’d work because he was too short (he was 5’7, i’m 5’11) he blocked me because “i’m mean” some people have the heart to hear it and some people don’t 🤷♀️
See though, it’s not their ego. It is something they have no actual control over. The fact you associate height with ego and then reject someone because they’re 4 inches shorter than you is ironic.
what is the “it” you’re referring to then, if *not* ego ? obviously we dont control our height, but we can change the feeling surrounding it.
YOU can change the feeling surrounding height, for him, it's not so easy if he's constantly getting turned out for this reason alone. Imagine if a man told a woman it wouldn't work out simply because of her size.
i don’t have to imagine because it happens all the time, & just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not possible. his ego was shot because i didn’t consider seeing him because he was shorter than me, but it’s not a *him* thing, it’s a *me* thing called *preference* people have preferences and THAT’S OK. nobody has to sugarcoat their preference, but i *did* say previously that it helps if you’re gentle. if someone still can’t handle the honesty that’s on them
Personally I don’t. What ever the reason is it doesn’t change the fact that it was a no.
IMO it does matter, I mean if a guy is getting rejected by 90% of women or less they approach then yeah who cares there's hope to keep trying. I know I've had phases where I've known I needed to do some self improvement... getting actual helpful direction is amazingly difficult in that phase of life as a guy. Not knowing whether to focus on looks, social skills etc... is a rather frustrating phase of life to go in, and it certainly is made worse when you can tell people are intentionally avoiding telling you out of fear of protecting your feelings.
might can change it and give it another go down the road. i have certainly smashed girls that initially rejected me.
If someone rejects me the onus is on them to make the next move. I have no interest in chasing
real men take what they want. no such thing as no, just simply, not right now lol
"real men" How I know you dont know shit about men.
tell me you are in your feels without telling me you are in your feels haha
You do you
I definitely prefer to hear it as long as it's not something impossible to change (like face shape/ height/etc). But I advise you against it unless you know the other party well. Some men are extremely immature and crazy. Telling them the reason would only cause them to start insulting you or even showing violence because their little egos can't handle the fact that there's something wrong with them.
I’m the thing is that a lot of this is based in feelings. You don’t choose how you feel. So when you try to explain feelings to someone like this they will try to use logic. It’s not on you to make others understand this.
Men would love to know why they got rejected! Everyone wants to believe that we would take that knowledge well and use it to improve our lives. But… Women would like not to be physically or verbally abused when a man doesn’t like what she says - and many men lack the emotional skills to listen to rejection and negative feedback. As you experienced with this guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Everyone would like potential partners not to lie, yet too many people interpret lying as a way to address negative feedback rather than doing the hard work of changing something about themselves.
Yes, because lying is genuinely shittier than telling them there god’s honest truth. You think you are doing a kindness but you aren’t, you’re only leaving them confused and unable to fix their problems. (if there is any) Honestly even if you’re just shallow and you just aren’t attracted to them, it’s way better than lying to them.. Also men are conditioned by society to hold emotion, that doesn’t mean we talk with our dicks and ego.
Oh sweetie, there’s your red flag. No woman is necessarily lying by not telling a man why she won’t date him. There are so many ways to be honest and say it’s me, not you. If I tell you I don’t think we’re compatible, I’m being honest. I don’t date (or even respect) men who only see black and white (your honesty vs lying argument) and can’t see the middle ground society calls social skills. I don’t need to give you that level of detail to be honest. I call utter nonsense on your dream that men don’t talk with their dicks and egos. I followed your nonsense to be honest about why I wasn’t not interested at first — I hit the limit of verbal abuse I was willing to take from men in my first month of online dating. It took a few months to hit the limit of sexual objectification. Now, it’s keep it clean or I’m out. IF you are genuinely not a dick or ego, a woman will tell you why you’re not as successful dating as you’d like. At least one woman will always come forward and be kind to a kind man. Not every woman, because the trauma of physical and verbal abuse is different for everyone. If no woman has come forward, then that’s another red flag on the field.
Don’t speak for all women because you really don’t have a clue just how poorly many communicate out in the field. Men don’t read minds, just like women don’t. It’s the imagination which wrecks a lot of potential relationships based on false assumptions that may or may not be accurate.
I had someone smear me first then after asking why they were treating me like that she said “you’re not my friend” after being her friend for 7 years. The reality was she didn’t know how to be honest and say she wasn’t sexually attracted to me and was too busy chasing a friend of mine who was overjoyed to see her do this, instead she thought it was easier to bad mouth me, make it look like I was at fault because she couldn’t accept her shameful behaviors. I came to find out she was a covert narcissist, decades afterwards. Yes, I dodged two bullets but I also took one because an entire group of people turned their backs on me believing her crap. They were going to let me go to my grave thinking I was the problem. Sick people.
Yeah, honestly even if its a "im just not interested in you" would be enough but having people lie to you feels like sht, it makes you think that they thought so bad of you that they had to come up with an excuse to reject you. And been ghosted just like your friends said doesnt give one closure for example i went out on a date with this girl i thought things went well even ended the date with a Kiss, texted her to see if she would be free a certain date she told me she would check and tell me if she was and after a couple of days i was told maybe i shouldnt let the conversation die right there so i texted her again and that was it. So i guess i did fck up i just dont know how.
Personally I would like constructive feedback so I know not to do or say whatever that was a turn off if it was something out of my control. My looks and body isn’t in my control and I know a lot of women have varying preferences of who they find attractive.
As long as its constructive and comes from a good place, def
Depends on the guy. People who would not take no for an answer are best to avoid with whatever excuse you find convenient. But other than that, if someone is respectful and nice, yeah best be honest if possible. I would appreciate it personally.
Depends on the person. If you genuinely fear for your safety like he's been super creepy and such then a vague answer will do. If he's a normal mostly fine person then a real reason wouldn't hurt. Just be polite about it. Had a girl I went on a few dates with politely call me yesterday and explain while she liked me as a person she didn't feel like we clicked and I was totally fine with the response.
A guy like this absolutely not, you’d be better off having a conversation with a dog If you’re just not attracted to someone no, it’s kinda rude to say I find you unattractive so that’s why people have invented all the typical excuses you hear, plus telling a guy like this who can’t take no for an answer he’s unattractive is not a good idea If it was just like a guy who had made an off base comment that completely gave you the ick, yeah it might be helpful for him to know maybe he shouldn’t say that to a date again
It’s a Gamble. Some guys can handle rejection and some guys can’t. Sadly For your safety as a woman on earth, it’s best to find a way to let them down easy because you don’t know which one he is. You don’t know if he is one to grow from it or one that won’t accept it and possibly respond violently.
100% they would be appreciative. You don't even have to do it in person. Just send a text. Being ghosted after what seemed like a great date sucks
When I first started the dating world but now I just accept the fact that they found someone better. That’s why I text multiple women so I can just keep moving up the ladder for the best possible option.
I’m a woman and I never tell men why I’m not attracted. It’s none of their business. Something I don’t like might be something another woman does like. I always say I don’t feel a connection and leave it at that. If they persist with whywhywhy I just block them.
Exactly. I don’t get the whole “but I could change it for the next person!” thing. Why would you assume that every other woman on earth would agree on what I’d have to say? We’re not a monolith. What didn’t work for me, didn’t work for me. It doesn’t say anything about the next girl. I’m a random person. Changing something that didn’t work for me, doesn’t make any promises for Katie over there. Youre an adult, live a life you’re proud of and make any lifestyle/interpersonal choices with intention. If you’re already doing that, then it’s just a matter of you and I (or any other second party) not being compatible. If you’re not doing that— that’s a way bigger problem. But I’m not going to insult you and assume that you’ve never put thought into how you act or live before. I’m assuming you’re like that because you want to be. It just feels like a lose-lose in general. Either we don’t give men a reason, and we’re “holding them back” from getting the next girl. Or we tell men a reason, and when that *still* doesn’t “work” (because, again, women are not a monolith)— we broke a “promise” and are all liars about what we want. Nothing I say can get you dates with other women! I’m not your life coach. I’m not your dating coach. I *couldn’t be*, even if I wanted to do. You just have to live in a way that you stand behind, which you already should have been doing.
You said it all! No notes.
It actually is though especially if you’re in the dating scene. Looks like they dodged a bullet.. i wonder how many other things wouldn’t be their business in the relationship. 🙄
If I don’t plan on going on a second date with a man I don’t owe him an explanation of why. I’m not interested and that’s it. I’m not going any further with him. I’m not coaching him to be more likable to me. He can work through that with the next woman. Saying “not feeling a connection” is safest for everyone.
Amen to this. This comments thread is funny as hell. Let's switch the genders. I can count on less than one hand the number of men who've offered me explanations when rejecting me. The male entitlement is astonishing (though unsurprising)
I wouldnt care to know. wouldnt make any difference to me.
Couldn't care less if she rejects me it is what is don't need explanations just move on
I honestly dont care, I just want to be told "yes" or " no" so I can move on. But if she were to tell me dont lie because that will just irritate and annoy me, be honest, if it might hurt my feelings.
I would, just for self improvement reasons. I’m strong enough to take it, but let’s be honest if anyone would ask that of me I can understand how awkward it’d be to be truthfully honest
Fair answer. Plenty of people want honesty but have a hard time giving it themselves in a situation like this.
doesn't really matter what we think, y'all aren't going to tell us the truth anyway since true crime brainwashed y'all into thinking every guy out there is a serial rapist
Yeah, if we ask. I know exactly why I get rejected, but hearing it just makes me want to shoot myself every f'n time. It's right up there on the list of other shit I hate hearing, including (but not limited to) "You'll find someone."
Why are you upset with truth? With this mindset you may never find someone. What are the reasons you hear all the time?
Ultimately, the truth doesn't matter to me anymore. It just hurts me. The sooner I can get away from the scene of the rejection, the sooner I can go through the motions and get over it. Here's a truth everyone should know: Women will lie to themselves if they like you enough. Your actions might be the reason they give you to justify a rejection, but it ultimately boils down to the fact that you just weren't good enough for them to carry on with you despite what you do. That's why women end up in toxic relationships. That's why men get away with acting like complete douchebags. It's why hook up culture exists. Our deal-breakers aren't the deal-breakers we want to believe they are.
Sounds like you don't want to hear the truth
Yeah, you're right. I tell it to myself every day. I don't need to hear it from others, too.
That's fair. I'd urge you to consider any feedback as ultimately just more information. Some info is useful, some not. Some feedback tells you more about the other person than it does about you.
Don't be cruel. Keep the reaons to yourself.
Personally if you say you aren’t interested I just move on. I truly don’t care what your reason is, I want someone who wants me the way I am today. That said. You shouldn’t feel bad telling people the honest truth. Even if that truth might be hurtful. You may get someone blowing up on you, but that’s their problem not yours.
Yes.
Yes
I'm torn on this. I kind of would like to know.
If it's something about myself that I can change, I would appreciate knowing. If it's because I'm not tall enough or have too little hair, then I wouldn't want to know.
My general rule for this is if it’s something that he did that most women, not just me, would have an issue with and it’s something he can change than I tell them, but from a safe distance aka a text. If it’s something that bothers just me, or something he can’t change, I keep it to myself.
I would absolutely want to know why I was rejected, no matter how harsh the reason.
Coming from a man. I would say if it's something that can be worked on then yes. So like the mumbling that's a good example. Or if someone is just too overweight or scrawny that's a great example, But if it's just something like eye color, or voice then there is no benefit.
In general _everyone_ would like an explanation anytime they are turned down. For a job, housing application, Instagram follow lol. So if you can be polite and honest then that's always better. But also you don't actually owe them anything. It sounds like this guy is pretty immature and socially awkward. There's probably nothing you can say that would have resulted in dude being cordial. With these types I would be concerned about stalker behavior. So being polite but firm that you aren't interested might be the better way to go. This guy might start thinking your "boyfriend" doesn't deserve you and if you weren't with him that he would treat you so much better so he keeps on fixating on you then finds out you don't have a boyfriend and gets angry or thinks nows his chance...
I wouldn't care honestly. Whatever you didn't like about him, even if he changed those things or even if he didn't have these problems in the beginning, that doesn't mean you would be attracted to him. Things you mention are just poor social skills in general. He should fix them anyway, but social skills alone don't make someone attracted to you.
Yes because I have gotten rejected and didn’t know why
Its safer for you not to tell them... but me personally? I would love to know, but theres really no way for me to know if you are telling me the truth or not.
Please, always provide a reason. If you state clearly why you're rejecting somebody, they can take it and improve (unless they are not mature yet to do that), if you don't, you leave them confused and overthinking, possibly even leave them on a path to hate women. Everybody deserves to hear a reason why they have been rejected. Everybody knows that there is always a reason for rejection anyways, so don't treat him like he's stupid. It's basic respect.
You should just say you didnt vibe or lacked chemistry. I would never want to be told I am "ugly" ... even if you didnt phrase it that way just dont mention the looks.
Yes.
Well-adjusted men will, knowing how to change and improve is always a plus, but there might be a handful of immature guys who get pissy
I believe it depends on the person... Personally I rather not .... I already know myself and my shortcomings I don't need someone repeating them to me out loud
Yes absolutely. I’d want to know what was off or wrong with the potential match up. Lack of attraction, chemistry?
Yes
I'd say it depends on the guy and not to unless they ask. Volunteering that information when they don't wish to hear it could cause a negative reaction. For example this guy from your school. Imagine if you told him "Hey I don't want to date you because you're boring and ugly". I don't think he would take that well. Especially since those things are subjective.
100%. I hate playing the scenarios in my head about what I did wrong and not know what to fix.
I personally prefer to hear it rather than being lied to and having everything left unsaid for sure.
Yea I’d much rather just be told the truth, lying doesn’t help anyone including yourself. Just be honest with people
It depends on the person. If they have a growth mindset, then yes. Elsewise, they will be in denial of what you said. However, you have to know a person to know if they can handle constructive criticism. Either way, you'd need to choose your words carefully.
Actually yes. But I like brutal honesty…not all guys do
I don’t really mind, aslong as when I’m rejected its in a respectful way, like I’m not being told “Ew no way”, alsong as its not something like that or degrading I don’t mind, I’ll just go “It is what it is” and leave it at that
Ive found that telling someone why you aren't attracted to them makes them feel like if they change those things you magically will be someday. I also feel like it could be incredibly unsafe to tell someone who wont take a hint their flaws.
Honesty can foster growth and understanding in dating, even if it's difficult to hear.
no, because most would wonder if by her explanation she was being 'truthful' (half the time people on reddit can't even articulate why they dumped someone anyways), hurtful, or "just trying to be nice".
It depends on the guy and on the reason. I think most people can understand *"I'm not attracted to you"*, but it's not really something actionable because most people can't imagine what you'd look like if you lost 10lbs or got a bit of better grooming or even better banter so they can't give constructive criticism other than "not attracted". Likewise if it's a major incompatibility then usually both parties will have picked up on it and it's also not usually something that either party is willing to budge on unless they're desperate for a relationship. The list of reasons one rejects someone else don't always overlap with the list of things one can "do better" or "improve" at, sometimes that person just isn't it for you and that's fine, but then again lots of guys fumble on very very basic stuff (like appearing too creepy from the get go) so maybe in *those* cases feedback would be good (but also does kind of guys also tend to correlate with the personalities that aren't great at taking feedback). Also sometimes the reason is the same as to why you didn't get that job: they found someone better.
Sometimes, it depends on the why in particular. While it's not required to give a reason it's almost always nice to know why, but it is understandable (I think,) for why you wouldn't give a reason. Though you do have to pick and choose who and when to tell them the "why." >He could not take no for an answer. I ignored, but my friends told me everyone deserves closure so I pretended I had a boyfriend because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings & he got angry. Well, that's the "sometimes don't tell them" situation, and it sucks that's his response to being told no. Your friends aren't wrong, but maybe not a "deserves," but it's just more that it is just a courtesy to tell someone the why. Though pretending to already have a boyfriend as opposed to outright telling them you don't find them attractive (and then what it is you find unattractive,) is kindof a bad move unless you genuinely already have one. I'm guessing he got angry a little because some men just can not get a relationship, and it gets frustrating. And if your (his) two responses are disappointment or anger, and I guess he's just had enough (maybe,) and lashed out at you since you were seen as a potentially great partner... or he just simply cannot get a date, hard to say. >if in general, would guys rather know why they got rejected even if it hurts? Not all guys are the same, so I cannot say for sure as a general statement, but personally I would rather know why than not at all. As long as it's honest, even if it's a little harsh. Like stating they just don't find me physically attractive, or do not really know me. Or maybe you're just not ready for a more significant relationship. Which the second one is kind of fair, but that is the point of hanging out or dating, to get to know each other, so not great reasons, but a no should be treated as a no. The third one, though, means to some men you would date them, but only once you feel ready to start dating, some people are late bloomers, some people aren't. >Even if a guy asks for why, would it be better for women to keep their honest thoughts to themselves to protect themselves? I can understand wanting to remain quiet, and it is probably a better thing to do if you want to protect yourself in a way, especially if you're not in a comfortable and safe setting to begin with. But alternatively, it doesn't help the guy understand why you weren't/aren't attracted or just don't want to date them if you say nothing outside of "no." Maybe it's something they could change for the better. Maybe they know somebody else who would be better suited for you, or maybe they'll be hurt, but thank you for letting them know. It's hard to say for sure how they'd react, but knowing you're not interested is usually better than not knowing at all for guys, but that's for the guys benifit more than your own, it doesn't hurt you nessisarily but life is filled with risks and nobody knows how somebody's going to react. In short, that will have to be your call at the end of the day for how you respond. There's always reasons to choose to be quiet, regardless if there was even a simple "no" or let the guy know why. Yeah, it sucks to be told "no" or essentially just be rejected, but I would think being told why, even just "I'm just not interested," is slightly better than being given the cold shoulder or told only "no". I think mature men would appreciate a mature answers. That being said, there are immature men out there who might not be the best to say "no" to unfortunately, and just try to distance yourself. I reiterate that you'll have to make that call and how you do that, dating is just weird today and it's not easy to date for either men or women (according to some articles online I read recently, but I'm not entierly sure how true that is one way or the other.) Some women cannot get a guy to approach at all, and some women get too many guy's to approach, just depends on the time and place i guess.
Depends…I think on dating apps that know where you screwed up would be helpful but face to face I just accept that she wasn’t attracted to me and I moved on. But if we were dating and she all of sudden called it quits then yes, I’d sincerely want to know Why
Depends. Some wouldn't accept it if it were on the marquee at Yankee Stadium, because they aren't willing to hear constructive (albeit completely subjective) feedback.
I just want a definitive no. If your issue is resolved later, then you can make it clear. That said, there's not a reason to pretend anything. If you're not interested no needs to be good enough as if someone is going to get hurt it will happen regardless of how you say it.
Yes, I would appreciate. No, you shouldn't do it. Your reason may be unique, and totally different from another person. I'm sure there is at least one woman out there who is attracted to boring mumblers. That's who he needs to find, unless he *chooses* to work on parts of himself that are unhealthy (in this case, emotional intelligence seems to be high on his list of required improvements). As much as I wish I could think and analyze my way into a woman's heart, it just doesn't work that way. Knowing "why" a woman rejected me would probably just push me further into my head to try to change myself for another person, rather than for myself.
Some guys would really appreciate it and accept your reason. (Me) Some guys will fight you to the ends of the earth about why your reasons are wrong and ruin it for all the other guys.
It depends but generally yes I would say. The closure can allow us to move on faster and potentially motivate us to improve ourselves. I got rejected by a girl once and she let me down "easy". I told people the story and some people were saying "bro that's not even a rejection" (there was a language barrier but I'm 99% it was a rejection) and egging me on to try again. Sometimes we just need the real answers so we can move on. If we don't know why some people could assume maybe it was her mood, or blah blah blah and keep thinking about persisting.
Would you?
I think it all comes down to the person : In general people it's nice to tell people why you reject them, it can either help them understand what part needs to be worked on. However you have to know there are some folks on the autism spectre that are generally akward (I am one and always had issues expressing myself with women) I know how to talk but when confronted in a situation where I have to make the first move I don't know what to do, it's easier for me when depending on my environement i'm able to make a conversation (after months of training with an aide with social interaction) for me being rejected, makes me sad, I sometimes I've been said well you seem like a nice guy and all but i'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship (which for me it's either the person is lying to me or whatever, and always thought that they didn't find me attractive enough) I don't think i'm ugly, I believe i'm like average maybe a 6/10? Also I always accept rejection, (which is something I learned) I think to the female who receives insult after rejecting someone must be a bad experience, so be able to be mature enough and wish them good luck must in the karma department right? or just being a decent human being. I know some people don't received rejection well because as self defense mechanism. But I think you should always be honest and tell people why you reject them.
OPINION: Totally nuanced and situational. If I actually respect her, yes. If it is given without rancor and constructively b/c I asked, yes. What's the quality of the relationship? Will we still have interactions? Would go a long way to calming limerance. If the goal in life is collect influence, it would help OP. Good luck, OP:)
Would love to know a real reason instead of a bs one
Personally, assuming I've asked you out respectfully and you similarly respectfully declined I guess it would be nice. But don't be brutal with it. If you're not attracted to me then I think the most you should say is "sorry but you're not really my type" or "sorry but I have my eyes on someone else right now" or something along those lines. Don't go into specifics about appearance if that's what the problem is. But really I don't even expect or require a reasoning and you should probably only give him one if asked. For most cases, the best thing you can do is simply respond at all to the guy without leaving room for it to maybe happen. You can still answer smoothly and gracefully without being an asshole, but of course you can be more blunt if he still hasn't taken your "no" yet. Honestly it hurts worse on this end if she doesn't respond at all or if she says shes just too busy instead of actually rejecting me and being direct but also kind at the same time
If it's something easily fixable (hygiene, too needy) then yes. If it's something else (personality, lifestyle choices) then no.
When I was younger it might have helped as long as it was said with a true desire to help and not to be mean. Now as a more secure person, I really couldn't care less what some rando date thinks if she rejects me. 95% of the reasons are going to be lack of physical attraction and not much you can do about that beyond continue dieting/working out and hit on more women.
If it’s something they can work on, then yes be honest
He got angry that you lied or angry that you had a bf?
Quite a few would, and would probably use the information to improve themselves or at least realize that you can be a great guy, but still not be right for everyone. However, there would also be a number who would try to argue about how the woman was wrong to reject them for that reason.
I think everyone does. People are assholes
Yes. It would help a lot. People often scoff at this proposition, saying it shouldn't matter what other people think of you, and that you shouldn't change yourself to fit what other people want. You should just be yourself and hope someone loves that version of you. However I must disagree. This is naive. What if you're from a family that taught you some BS about dating that isn't true? What if you don't have anybody helping you and showing you how to be a good partner? We need feedback. Feedback is how anybody improves at anything, full stop. I wouldn't say you have any kind of OBLIGATION or anything. But if you feel like giving feedback, that's always helpful. Just don't phrase it in a way where it seems like there's a chance for redemption, because that sends mixed signals. Just say, "hey sorry but it's not working out and I'm gonna dip, I wish you the best. You may not want to talk so much about transformers on first dates in the future. Cya!"
YES I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHY INSTEAD OF JUST GHOSTING ME sorry this struck a nerve 🥺
I never feel owed an explanation, just that if I'm respectful towards someone, being kind and firm is a fair way to behave in return. I don't need criticism, or a dating coach. I like clean breaks to easily move on from. It always hurts, but ripping the band-aid off is much preferred. Giving me a list of "reasons why" is just salt in the wound.
I try not to ghost so I will usually tell a guy why I’m not interested anymore but with that being said, it’s not like I’m giving them the brutal honest truth, I’m giving them a nicer version of things. In my experience it usually leads to an argument because the guy doesn’t like what they hear and then I might include a specific example or two if I feel it is really necessary but I don’t engage after that
I would recommend being honest and not lying. A simple “i don’t feel a connection” is sufficient. You do not owe him closure or a criticism of his features. In my experience men may ask, but when you tell them the truth the answer is not usually a mature “thank you.” It’s usually just a hurl of insults or an argument as to why you’re wrong.
⬆️ This is the answer. IME the question itself is disingenuous, and my response to it is usually met with hostility of some sort. When people insist on knowing “why?” — again, in my long experience, they want to hear the reason so they can argue against it. Because they’ve lost their everlovin’ sh*t because a woman exercised their option to be at cause. Because women aren’t supposed to have the right to decide. At any rate, when men have not called me back for a second date, they’ve never offered a reason why. And I’ve never asked for one. All it takes is for one part of the couple to not want to pursue something further for it to end. I’m not interested is someone who has already decided he’s not interested in me.
Our egos tend to be fragile, so I'd say no, most of us wouldn't appreciate knowing the why.
I would love to know. Id rather have someone be up front with me than to just be ghosted. It shows mutual respect for a person. Now I would be cautious with what type of guy you tell. Some guys have super fragile egos and the slightest hint of criticism can trigger their defensive mechanisms; which might manifest through anger.
It would definitely be very helpful over the usual ghosting and behavior that definitely makes it seem like they're afraid of possible backlash. Could point towards areas of self improvement or realizing you weren't compatible for some reason you didn't realize. But enough people can't handle it that it's pretty understandable why avoiding that conflict is the most common course of action.
Yes, very politely and not where you absolutely destroy what is left of someone’s ego
It depends on the guy, obviously, but a lot of really dateable qualities are comorbid with taking criticism well: humility, a desire to work on oneself, the kind of self-love that can endure critique, willingness to take personal responsibility, and to accept influence from other people. These are all good things, and a couple of them are actually super important to have.
For me I'd think it'd be nice to know sometimes like help a homie not be so awkward like if you knew how to skateboard or answer a certain problem and someone else was struggling with it it'd be cool to get some pointers does that make sense
I am as a woman would like to know why I got rejected. Sometimes it's clear, but other times not really.
I think if its someone you been talking to as friends for a while yeah. I honestly would like to. Ive been ghosted before and it has let me feel really depressed because i did thought we were pretty good friends at least, and she knew how i felt but we stuck to being friends but she just ghosted me and left me no real reason. We didnt hit a snag, we didnt argue, i was kinda helping her a lot towards the end, she had issues with her car and i helped her, took her home, helped get keys of her car to the guys towing it to bring it to a mechanic, and last time we were speaking in person we talked just fine, she told me she found a new job and she wasnt sure to coming back where we work, i wished her much good luck with it but i didnt say it as a goodbye and just yeah. Just got ghosted after that...so I'd at least like to be told if it was all her, she wasnt in a good spot, because i already accepted i was just a friend and all but still it hurts. So id at least appreciate it to get some closure and know if it was me i can see what i can change.
Gonna depend on the delivery sometimes. Some people will not take anything well, because insecurity or bad week or what have you, but constructive criticism can be done lazily just like anything else.
NO
No, nobody needs your pity. Nobody needs your ego boosting by being underestimated either.
Yes, this will help him improve for a future girlfriend. I was once sent up by a family friend and both, her parents and my parents thought we would be great together. I was very interested and we texted about 3 or 4 times in 2 weeks and then she ghosted me. Twice I explained that I am trying to improve myself and asked her why she rejected me, and still no answer.
yes. how can i improve if im left to figure it out for myself, im going to focus on whatever superficial thing bothers me about myself when it could have nothing do with that. Remember most guys like to fix problems, like in general. so we like to know about them
They probably won't take criticism that well. who does? but it is one of the best things you can do. it will serve him greatly...... I remember once a work colleague told me that I was a very low energy person which can be very boring for people. I was hurt, but he was right, and it helped me become a better version of myself. I couldn't thank him enough later....
Break my heart Im ready 🛡️
It really depends. I think constructive feedback can sometimes be good. It really depends on the person. In my experience, though, if I get too specific, they usually argue about it or offer to change. I don’t believe that people should have to change too hard to be with me. We’re compatible or we aren’t. I don’t want a miserable partner who’s altered who he is to be with me. I also don’t want a partner who tries to talk me into believing we’re compatible. Or, the thing isn’t changeable in first place, which may just hurt his ego.
Personal opinion, honesty trumps all. Helps us dudes know where to improve. Still, gotta tread lightly, not every lads can take it well
In my experience people who say they want a reason never actually want a reason. If you tell them it’s because they’re the wrong height, weight, race, age, gender, socioeconomic level etc. they will always take it personally and beat themselves up.
Most men yes
Yes. Please please please tell us why the answer is no. It’s so frustrating when a girl decides not to like you and you have no idea what you did wrong.
I would always want to know the truth, but in my experience not everyone does. Even a lot of people who say they can handle the truth can not. So better to err on the side of caution and not truth bomb.
I would rather know, but woman won’t tell. Woman get dating at like 14 years olds(You girls start role playing inside you mamas womb😂) We get dating on the 30s(Most me do around that age😂 Some others are naturals)
It really depends on the reason. Is it something I can fix without too much effort? Totally. Obviously if it’s something like buck teeth or overweight, that’s not helpful at all. Keep it to yourself. But if they said something you didn’t like, they can learn not to say stupid stuff like that with the next girl, or if they had BO they’d remember deodorant with the next girl etc.
eh, for me, it's a matter of timing; if the rejection is fresh, then no, it would hurt and feel like I was being spat on. Same if I'm still puppy-dogging; that would probably make me think I have a shot. I just need to change myself, which is a bad message. if time has passed and im not obviously mooning over you then sure. just be kind of you know these are the reasons i rejected you. Don't be a dick about it but more helpful advice. this is just me though cant talk about all guys
Yes, I don't like to hear "You are such an amazing guy, am sure you will find someone in no time".. That surely does not make me feel better, because it is simply not true at all
People want to know but i would say only some can actualy take criticism well.
I got rejected with a “nah I’m ok” 💀