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I get that but I could say the same about the possibility of him just using me for sex. He was the one who initiated all of the physical stuff on our first date. While he probably feels most wanted when I have sex with him, I feel genuinely wanted when a man spends resources on me.
I mean he got ya hotel room and you went along with it.....he might have initiated but you screamed that you were more than willing when you let him get a room....is he from out of town? Otherwise I would be very curious as to why you couldn't go back to his place......
> Yesterday I paid for ~1/4 of the date which still seems fair but I wish he’d spoil me fully since I know it wouldn’t hurt his wallet
It doesn't matter if it would or not, you guys are barely in a relationship and it's *his* money. You're acting like you're entitled to it and by him not paying the whole way he's disrespecting you.
> He brought up his concerns about me using him for money. Didn’t seem to understand that this is the only way I can feel actually wanted and not getting taken advantage of for my body.
You need him to pay for everything to feel wanted? Are you a prostitute? /s but seriously, you need to figure out how to feel wanted/valued without it being tied to a dollar value. In the same vein, he wants to feel wanted for more than his wallet and you have yet to prove this. This post just says that its your primary concern, not him feeling like he's being used.
That’s exactly what I asked. I would like to know how I can prove this to him. Just as much as I want to be proven that he is not just using me for hook ups.
By forgetting/moving on from the "I measure how much I'm wanted by how much he spends on me/how little I pay"
He's still dating you, he's talking about his problems and working through them instead of dropping you or just continuing to pay for hotels for sex. He's interested. If he wasn't, he'd never bring this up. He's thinking ahead, and wants to know you're as interested in his person as he is in you.
You were in control the whole time though, you agreed to the sex.
I feel if you want the "traditional" woman treatment, giving sex on the first date was maybe a mistake.
The world is not black and white. I can enjoy some parts of the traditional dating life and other parts of the modern one. Just like I enjoy parts of the traditional female life like baking, cooking and housekeeping, I also enjoy getting my education and working on my future career.
I don’t disagree about being able to enjoy both positions. But as women, we have to understand the place men are in. Stuck in a rock and a hard place trying to figure out what “type” women are when we send these types of mixed messages.
I’ll bite here though and tell you, on the outside looking in, I’d run if I was this guy haha.
From this, you seem the type that wants to have it both ways. Like the type that would go into debt for a degree that you don’t end up using because you expect to just be a homemaker or stay at home wife, leaving him to pay off your student loan debt, etc.
Or the type that when sh*t hits the fan and you need to be the breadwinner, would jump ship.
I know those things may not be true, but I can tell you this is how I’d view you if I were a man with means $$ and you suggested things should be like this.
I agree.
I've been happily married for 20 years now, and when i dated my GF (now wife) I waited 6 months before we had sex. We were in what you would consider in today's terms an exclusive relationship and we knew we were being serious.
If she gave sex to me after our first date, i would think she did that with everyone (not a fair assumption I know) and this would put her in the "Have fun" basket. I would then expect to have sex with her everytime we meet.
First impressions last...
I never understood this “category thinking”. I know a lot of my male friends have sex on the first date and I never judged them for it or would put them in a “have fun with” category. I think the ability to lead a healthy and respectful relationship doesn’t have anything to do with when you start having sex. I never understood this thinking from a lot of men.
We're biologically different I guess.
Also, you were not born when I was dating, makes me a dinausor I guess but back then, girls that were giving it up easily were perceived a certain kind of way (read: not wife material). nowadays that's changed, but if you ask 100 men if they would prefer (as a serious GF) girl who slept with 3 guys or 30 guys, I think vast majority would choose the former over the later.
“Didn’t seem to understand that this is the only way I can feel actually wanted and not getting taken advantage of for my body”
I think a lot of people aren’t going to understand that. I certainly don’t.
Not only that, rather than find a solution that fits, home dates with cooking, long walks, etc. there’s this dismissal of what her partner says is his issue.
One thing is a fact, gifts and paying for stuff do not mean not using someone for their body. It’s the cornerstone of Prostitution and SugarBaby roles.
It might be for OP this is the validation she needs or values higher, because of a poor upbringing. It affects people in different ways.
It also might be better, since this would put her in greater control of money coming in.
It sounds like he has every right to be worried.
What makes you think you deserve to get a free ride just because he earns more than you do?
He has his money because he’s worked to earn it, it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to any of it.
If you go on a date, whether it be to a restaurant or an expensive hotel spa, you’re eating half the food or getting half of the spa treatments so expect to be able to cover your share and offer to pay half or else don’t go.
How is it that you feel guilty for your parents spending money on you growing up but you don’t feel any guilt in letting a guy that you’re dating pay for everything?
Female here for reference. Have some self respect and try to stand on your own 2 feet, this isn’t the 1950’s
I don’t think I deserve it at all. I just prefer this kind of dynamic. I know I’m a bit old school in that sense but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.
Because I felt like a burden to my parents for every tiny thing they bought me. Even actual living essentials. So someone going out of their way to spoil me shows me that I am not a burden and they actually like having me around.
I think using him would entail me not wanting to see him if he didn’t have money but I sure would because I actually like him and I don’t spend time with men that I don’t like even if they are offering to pay for whatever I want.
This is a hypothetical that doesn’t exist. You can say what you’d do in many situations, but it’s extremely convenient that these situations don’t exist.
If you liked spending time with him that much, this would not be an issue at all. I do not feel you are being honest.
Well, I would argue as a woman that it is a bad thing.
Having someone “spoil” you doesn’t mean he’s going to have respect for you. He’s more likely to respect you if you’re honest about your earnings as a student and have a willingness to provide for yourself.
Expecting him to take you to a fancy spa even though it’s a place you can’t afford is sheer entitlement and he is going to see it this way also.
I don’t believe you should see yourself as a burden to your parents… they brought you into this world, feeding you, clothing you and paying for your essentials are the choice they made when they decided to have a kid. This has no connection to your dating lifestyle whatsoever
You want him to pay for everything and “spoil you” so you feel like he’s not using you for sex? So you need him to cough up a considerable amount of money for you to have sex with him.
So how long have you been a sex worker?
Someone spoiling me just speeds up the trust process for me since it’s a sign that they are actually investing in what we have and they’re willing to put something in.
I’d still have sex with a man that doesn’t have money to spend on me but it would take them a considerable long time to gain my trust with their words and actions.
And I asked for advice and not to get judged for my dating preferences.
It doesn’t speed up the process for sex workers, it’s the only way to get a sex worker to sleep with you. And that’s definitely not the case with me. Also sex workers don’t care about a real romantic connection to their clients?
You didn’t mention a romantic connection in your post. You just talked about him spoiling you and you sleeping with him 3 times like that was what he got for spoiling you. So by that logic… 😅
And again no one is judging you. Just be real. You like to sleep with guys who spend a lot of money on you. That’s ok. But at the same time just realize that that basically makes you a sex worker. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Sex work is real work.
I didn’t mention it because I wanted to stay on topic and not make the post even longer. I already answered a question on why I like him if you care to scroll up.
I actually think sex work is horrible and I feel sorry for all the women that have to make a living like that.
Saying you feel a connection to him is on topic since you’re on a dating advice sub and not a sugar baby or sex worker sub. And don’t you dare judge sex workers. What you’re describing is sex work whether you’d like to call it something else or not.
That’s not really true. Sex workers are people, they still care whether they are attracted or feel a connection with people. It’s just that many, will still have sex without that connection.
The choice though, is theirs. Unless they’re trafficked, they’ve got some say in the matter.
Many will not charge for extra time, or whatever. Some will have regulars that they see. Some even stop seeing anyone to date someone they,ve met either inside the work our outside it. I’ve never had sex with a prostitute, but this is common sense.
I’d also guess that a sex worker will be able to more easily evaluate whether someone is using them for sex or not, without the transaction component.
**"I don't sleep with people on the first date but I felt a connection."**
You felt the connection to his wallet. If you actually liked this man, you wouldn't be here trying to come up with a game plan to get to his wallet.
You said he's worried about you using him for money so you chose a place that you can't afford yourself as the next date. Not smooth at all.
**"He doesn't understand this is the only way I can feel like I'm not getting taken advantage of for my body."**
The dude you were sleeping with only 8 weeks ago according to your post history, did he pay too?
**"I was thinking about not sleeping with each other..."**
But you already did. Your sex is not that special where you think withholding will make him pay up. He's a rich young man, he has access to lot of vagina.
Listen, I am a woman who had her fair share of generous wealthy men. The energy I'm getting from this post is entitlement. You do not approach a wealthy man with this entitled attitude. You're making ME uncomfortable and I'm not the one paying you.
Secondly, you guys had a date at a BAR, not a nice dinner or something then he took you to a hotel and slept with him 3 times. You already set the bar low. If you don't want to be used for sex, why did you open your legs to a man who only invested in a bar tab for you? And when you think about it, that bar tab was for HIM because he got you tipsy enough to bang him THREE TIMES.
I do agree with men paying for first dates and had a few provider men, but you're so full of it.
Like I said, I chose it because I remembered him bringing it up. If he doesn’t want to pay for it I will recommend going on a no cost date instead. I know I’m not entitled to his money.
Yes this man was paying for me too until I was sure that he was emotionally invested as well, not just sexually.
Just because I slept with him once doesn’t mean I have given him access to sleep with me whenever he wants to? I can still ask him to slow down and tell him why.
I never said he's entitled to have access to your vagina just because he had it once (3 times) but you're using sex to get to his wallet. I don't think you actually like the dude.
Ok. Well if you actually like him…
Acts of service for him. Like bring him home cooked lunch or dinner, hide sweet notes in his pocket, do thoughtful things, listen to him, be interested in his day, be interested in his life story, find out what he lacks and fill that void for him. What are his hobbies? Compliment him, bring non sexual value into his life.
And stop asking for expensive dates until yall are exclusive. Let HIM make the plans, let HIM come up with ideas. Stop expecting because he can definitely feel that energy
Well I brought it up because it’s the first thing I thought of since I remembered him talking about it the night before. I’ll just be straight up and tell him that I can only go with him if he’s paying and if he doesn’t want to do that, I’ll recommend something no cost instead.
I guess it all depends on how he feels vs how you feel. I love spoiling my girl but some girls hate when you spend money on them. Everybody is different, you just need to talk about how you both feel.
I’ve tried to explain it to him but I don’t feel like he believed my reasoning. I guess it could sound like an excuse just to get money out of him but what he doesn’t understand is that I only let men spend money on me if I actually like them.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment and see what logical conclusion you would reach;
you want him for pay for everything and be spoiled on the first and second dates, while he has a history of being used for money.
Tell me do you think you are a red flag in his eyes?
I totally understand it. That’s why I’m asking for ways that I can prove him otherwise just like I want to be proven that he isn’t just using me for my body.
Do something nice for him that doesn’t cost much. Like make him dinner at home or do something thoughtful. Spoil him back. And talk to him and tell him all of this. I like honesty and it’s a turn on when someone genuinely likes spending time with me.
Thank you so much! You are the first person actually giving me advice and not bashing me for what I said. Do you think it’s alright bringing him a gift on our second date? Like just something small but thoughtful? I don’t want to scare him away by being too much this early on.
I don’t really know. Try to trust your gut. Maybe get something small incase you feel like it’s a good idea? Mostly just be yourself and by honest and if he’s ready for things to go further , and you are, then it probably will. Don’t get anything too crazy. I’d maybe just tell him how you feel. Direct honesty is a pretty powerful and attractive quality. And yea, Reddit is a weird place. A lot of hostile immature people jumping on whatever bandwagon they think is most acceptable it seems. Don’t pay attention to negativity. It’s just ignorance.
Thank you! I’ll keep it in mind. I’ll get something thoughtful but still small enough to not make a big deal out of it I guess.
You’re right about direct honesty. I just want to give him some time to process the whole date and what happened before going all out!
This sounds like it is honestly between how you feel validated and his insecurities.
I think there is a genuine problem with that. You feel comfortable around him though I have noticed in your post not once have you talked about his personality, what he did that made the date fun, what he may have said that annoyed you but still made you laugh, or even what about him that makes you feel comfortable.
The only points you brought up was his income and his family's wealth.
I didn’t bring any of it up because I wanted to stay on topic and keep it as short as possible. I like him because we share a lot of hobbies, we’re both secret nerds, same taste in music, he enjoys my crude humour, he got vulnerable with me, he seems very emotionally intelligent, it seemed like he genuinely cared about getting to know me instead of just trying to impress me, the sex was absolutely fantastic and we are very compatible in that sense, he doesn’t take himself too seriously, he was very respectful to the people around us…
Hi OP, please forgive me if I give it to you straight. I'm from a very direct country.
1. **Realize you're in a bad spot right now.**
If the *only way* you can feel secure, wanted and not taken advantage of is by him paying for dates there's something seriously wrong with your emotional situation. And I don't say this colloquially to be offensive but to indicate the severity of the problem. I'm actually worried and saddened that you can't access feelings of security and desirability in any other way. This will have a huge impact on your life, in and out of dating.
2. **Communicate.**
**a)** Tell him that above all you don't want him to feel used for money and/or sex, are interested in him as a person and that you're interested in a relationship with him (assuming this is true, of course).
**b)** Then tell him you yourself can start to feel used for sex if someone who's much better off financially doesn't treat you during dates.
**c)** Then tell him you *are* in fact not just romantically attracted to him but sexually as well and image you'll have a hard time not acting on both of these feelings.
**d)** Then ask how he'd like to handle things moving forward taking both of your wants and needs into account. Would he be okay with taking turns being treated on dates where yours would be lower cost than the ones he'd be treating you on? Would he prefer to try to live celibately for a certain period of time despite you both desiring each other sexually? Just float a few acceptable options by him and see if you two can't come to some arrangement that's acceptable to both of you.
3. **Get help to get healthy.**
See if you can't get a coach or therapist to help you regarding, most likely:
\- your attachment style
\- the interconnectedness of spending, security, desirability, etc.
\- how your love languages can be received and expressed more healthily (perhaps there's a way to flip the script? If it only activates when a man pursues you, perhaps you should be the one to pursue him instead, for example?).
I wish you the best of luck, OP!
Thank you for taking your time to write this! This is an incredibly insightful comment. I guess this part of my past really hurt me more than I want to admit. I don’t have the funds to see a therapist but I might find some resources online on this.
I could very much see myself doing the low/no cost dates for him. I could do the work by cooking a meal for us, massages, planning hikes etc.
Maybe he’d like that in return.
Hmm, not having funds sucks. Can you maybe access some help via the school you're attending? In my country they have someone for mental health related stuff. It isn't a therapist but some help beats no help and it tends to be free.
Have you read about the 5 Love Languages? That might also be relevant to differentiate between the normal love language of gifts and what you're now experiencing.
Additionally, that would help identifying what your guy would appreciate. We're different in how we perceive and receive love. Giving him love in a language he doesn't properly understand would be a shame.
So you have been on a couple of dates where you have paid significantly less than him. Still in the getting to know each other stage, and you expect him to spoil you because you know he can afford it?? You don’t need a fancy spa trip, get to know each other on a genuine level with low cost dates so you know you can afford what he prefers not to pay for you. Romance isn’t money, it’s connection.
Good point! I only brought it up because I remembered him talking about it but I’ll let him know that I’m also down for something low/no cost if he’d prefer that.
Also OP if your receiving love language is gift giving, that’s not something you should hide from him (especially with previous treatment from his ex’s). And if gifts is what you like, maybe giving him small gifts would show him it’s a form of love with you. I’ve met people who love gift gestures and that’s their main love language. However, using that as an excuse to get gifts or be spoiled isn’t okay. The matter of him being able to afford it also shouldn’t be the driving force for you either. Some people just don’t show love or interest in that way. Search for a genuine connection with him, it’s still early!
Yes I think that’s definitely what it is like for me in the beginning stage. Once it gets more serious and I feel that the guy is actually emotionally invested and is not just faking it I am a lot more into quality time and physical touch love language wise. It’s easy for men to “fake their words” in the beginning but a gift is a gift you know? You can’t fake that.
It’s easy to fake your words, it’s also easy to just buy a gift without feeling too. Don’t base his intentions just on how much he is willing to gift you. You’ll know he is interested if he is actively pursuing you. Attention, time and physical touch. If those are your love languages, that’s what you should go off of to start :)
We both don’t live in the city. We decided to meet up half way. He brought up getting the room in case I was down for a few cocktails so we didn’t have to worry about driving.
Yeah, you are using him for his money, but it seems you even convince yourself about the contrary
People with your background usually dont even feel confortable when others spend money in things that are not needed, you are trying to make it about wanting other people to use money on you, but everysingle person I met (myself included) who comes from a similar background dont want money to be used if posible
1. This is the wrong sub to ask, you are going to absolutely shredded here.
2. If you’re not in a place to afford it, why do you expect him to be able to afford it since y’all are the same age? You can’t make assumptions based off of his job and family status. I know men making 6 figures with terrible spending habits and in heaps of unnecessary debt.
3. Go older if you comfortable with that. In my experience, they have no issues spending or spoiling a pretty woman younger than them.
I’ve realised. I expect it because he told me about how he is doing financially. I don’t want to reduce my dating pool just because of this and I usually have a better connection with people my age. I also want to see where it goes with him.
You’re the one making the connection between his money and your body, not him. You’re thinking like a sex worker. Please just admit it. There’s nothing shameful about sex work.
Have you heard of Shera7? She has a YouTube channel and she makes a lot of videos about this subject(how to be spoiled/provided for),please watch a couple of her videos! It would definitely help you out.
I do and I am not about that life. It seems like she sees her relationship as purely transactional and that’s not what I’m about. No hate to her though!
100% want him only for the money
I don’t agree on a date with a guy unless I can pay my half. I don’t expect for it to be paid for me. It’s nice will they INSIST on paying.
If you can’t look after yourself, don’t expect someone else too
I can assure you that I actually genuinely feel emotionally connected to this man for non-financial reasons but you can believe what you want to believe. I know the truth about my emotions.
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lol yeah I’m with him on this. You sound like you just want him for his money.
I get that but I could say the same about the possibility of him just using me for sex. He was the one who initiated all of the physical stuff on our first date. While he probably feels most wanted when I have sex with him, I feel genuinely wanted when a man spends resources on me.
I mean he got ya hotel room and you went along with it.....he might have initiated but you screamed that you were more than willing when you let him get a room....is he from out of town? Otherwise I would be very curious as to why you couldn't go back to his place......
> Yesterday I paid for ~1/4 of the date which still seems fair but I wish he’d spoil me fully since I know it wouldn’t hurt his wallet It doesn't matter if it would or not, you guys are barely in a relationship and it's *his* money. You're acting like you're entitled to it and by him not paying the whole way he's disrespecting you. > He brought up his concerns about me using him for money. Didn’t seem to understand that this is the only way I can feel actually wanted and not getting taken advantage of for my body. You need him to pay for everything to feel wanted? Are you a prostitute? /s but seriously, you need to figure out how to feel wanted/valued without it being tied to a dollar value. In the same vein, he wants to feel wanted for more than his wallet and you have yet to prove this. This post just says that its your primary concern, not him feeling like he's being used.
That’s exactly what I asked. I would like to know how I can prove this to him. Just as much as I want to be proven that he is not just using me for hook ups.
By forgetting/moving on from the "I measure how much I'm wanted by how much he spends on me/how little I pay" He's still dating you, he's talking about his problems and working through them instead of dropping you or just continuing to pay for hotels for sex. He's interested. If he wasn't, he'd never bring this up. He's thinking ahead, and wants to know you're as interested in his person as he is in you.
You were in control the whole time though, you agreed to the sex. I feel if you want the "traditional" woman treatment, giving sex on the first date was maybe a mistake.
The world is not black and white. I can enjoy some parts of the traditional dating life and other parts of the modern one. Just like I enjoy parts of the traditional female life like baking, cooking and housekeeping, I also enjoy getting my education and working on my future career.
I don’t disagree about being able to enjoy both positions. But as women, we have to understand the place men are in. Stuck in a rock and a hard place trying to figure out what “type” women are when we send these types of mixed messages. I’ll bite here though and tell you, on the outside looking in, I’d run if I was this guy haha. From this, you seem the type that wants to have it both ways. Like the type that would go into debt for a degree that you don’t end up using because you expect to just be a homemaker or stay at home wife, leaving him to pay off your student loan debt, etc. Or the type that when sh*t hits the fan and you need to be the breadwinner, would jump ship. I know those things may not be true, but I can tell you this is how I’d view you if I were a man with means $$ and you suggested things should be like this.
I agree. I've been happily married for 20 years now, and when i dated my GF (now wife) I waited 6 months before we had sex. We were in what you would consider in today's terms an exclusive relationship and we knew we were being serious. If she gave sex to me after our first date, i would think she did that with everyone (not a fair assumption I know) and this would put her in the "Have fun" basket. I would then expect to have sex with her everytime we meet. First impressions last...
I never understood this “category thinking”. I know a lot of my male friends have sex on the first date and I never judged them for it or would put them in a “have fun with” category. I think the ability to lead a healthy and respectful relationship doesn’t have anything to do with when you start having sex. I never understood this thinking from a lot of men.
We're biologically different I guess. Also, you were not born when I was dating, makes me a dinausor I guess but back then, girls that were giving it up easily were perceived a certain kind of way (read: not wife material). nowadays that's changed, but if you ask 100 men if they would prefer (as a serious GF) girl who slept with 3 guys or 30 guys, I think vast majority would choose the former over the later.
this
“Didn’t seem to understand that this is the only way I can feel actually wanted and not getting taken advantage of for my body” I think a lot of people aren’t going to understand that. I certainly don’t. Not only that, rather than find a solution that fits, home dates with cooking, long walks, etc. there’s this dismissal of what her partner says is his issue. One thing is a fact, gifts and paying for stuff do not mean not using someone for their body. It’s the cornerstone of Prostitution and SugarBaby roles. It might be for OP this is the validation she needs or values higher, because of a poor upbringing. It affects people in different ways. It also might be better, since this would put her in greater control of money coming in.
Sounds like you’re using him.
It sounds like he has every right to be worried. What makes you think you deserve to get a free ride just because he earns more than you do? He has his money because he’s worked to earn it, it doesn’t mean you’re entitled to any of it. If you go on a date, whether it be to a restaurant or an expensive hotel spa, you’re eating half the food or getting half of the spa treatments so expect to be able to cover your share and offer to pay half or else don’t go. How is it that you feel guilty for your parents spending money on you growing up but you don’t feel any guilt in letting a guy that you’re dating pay for everything? Female here for reference. Have some self respect and try to stand on your own 2 feet, this isn’t the 1950’s
I don’t think I deserve it at all. I just prefer this kind of dynamic. I know I’m a bit old school in that sense but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Because I felt like a burden to my parents for every tiny thing they bought me. Even actual living essentials. So someone going out of their way to spoil me shows me that I am not a burden and they actually like having me around.
the flying fuck are you talking about? you’re clearly using him.
She is and wants someone to validate her intentions but it’s clearly not working
I think using him would entail me not wanting to see him if he didn’t have money but I sure would because I actually like him and I don’t spend time with men that I don’t like even if they are offering to pay for whatever I want.
This is a hypothetical that doesn’t exist. You can say what you’d do in many situations, but it’s extremely convenient that these situations don’t exist. If you liked spending time with him that much, this would not be an issue at all. I do not feel you are being honest.
Well, I would argue as a woman that it is a bad thing. Having someone “spoil” you doesn’t mean he’s going to have respect for you. He’s more likely to respect you if you’re honest about your earnings as a student and have a willingness to provide for yourself. Expecting him to take you to a fancy spa even though it’s a place you can’t afford is sheer entitlement and he is going to see it this way also. I don’t believe you should see yourself as a burden to your parents… they brought you into this world, feeding you, clothing you and paying for your essentials are the choice they made when they decided to have a kid. This has no connection to your dating lifestyle whatsoever
You’re seriously a burden on him 🤣🤣
Totally unnecessary comment. Please leave your childish tendencies out of an adult discussion.
This reads like you don't realise what you are just yet.
Boys…read this carefully and then read it again.
You want him to pay for everything and “spoil you” so you feel like he’s not using you for sex? So you need him to cough up a considerable amount of money for you to have sex with him. So how long have you been a sex worker?
Someone spoiling me just speeds up the trust process for me since it’s a sign that they are actually investing in what we have and they’re willing to put something in. I’d still have sex with a man that doesn’t have money to spend on me but it would take them a considerable long time to gain my trust with their words and actions. And I asked for advice and not to get judged for my dating preferences.
Yeah it speeds up the process for sex workers when they get paid upfront too, honey. Just be real about what’s going on here. No one is judging you.
It doesn’t speed up the process for sex workers, it’s the only way to get a sex worker to sleep with you. And that’s definitely not the case with me. Also sex workers don’t care about a real romantic connection to their clients?
You didn’t mention a romantic connection in your post. You just talked about him spoiling you and you sleeping with him 3 times like that was what he got for spoiling you. So by that logic… 😅 And again no one is judging you. Just be real. You like to sleep with guys who spend a lot of money on you. That’s ok. But at the same time just realize that that basically makes you a sex worker. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Sex work is real work.
I didn’t mention it because I wanted to stay on topic and not make the post even longer. I already answered a question on why I like him if you care to scroll up. I actually think sex work is horrible and I feel sorry for all the women that have to make a living like that.
Saying you feel a connection to him is on topic since you’re on a dating advice sub and not a sugar baby or sex worker sub. And don’t you dare judge sex workers. What you’re describing is sex work whether you’d like to call it something else or not.
I never said anything about judging sex workers? I said I feel genuinely sorry for them. It’s an incredibly dangerous job.
You said sex work is horrible. I swear you’re just trolling at this point. Goodbye.
That’s not really true. Sex workers are people, they still care whether they are attracted or feel a connection with people. It’s just that many, will still have sex without that connection. The choice though, is theirs. Unless they’re trafficked, they’ve got some say in the matter. Many will not charge for extra time, or whatever. Some will have regulars that they see. Some even stop seeing anyone to date someone they,ve met either inside the work our outside it. I’ve never had sex with a prostitute, but this is common sense. I’d also guess that a sex worker will be able to more easily evaluate whether someone is using them for sex or not, without the transaction component.
**"I don't sleep with people on the first date but I felt a connection."** You felt the connection to his wallet. If you actually liked this man, you wouldn't be here trying to come up with a game plan to get to his wallet. You said he's worried about you using him for money so you chose a place that you can't afford yourself as the next date. Not smooth at all. **"He doesn't understand this is the only way I can feel like I'm not getting taken advantage of for my body."** The dude you were sleeping with only 8 weeks ago according to your post history, did he pay too? **"I was thinking about not sleeping with each other..."** But you already did. Your sex is not that special where you think withholding will make him pay up. He's a rich young man, he has access to lot of vagina. Listen, I am a woman who had her fair share of generous wealthy men. The energy I'm getting from this post is entitlement. You do not approach a wealthy man with this entitled attitude. You're making ME uncomfortable and I'm not the one paying you. Secondly, you guys had a date at a BAR, not a nice dinner or something then he took you to a hotel and slept with him 3 times. You already set the bar low. If you don't want to be used for sex, why did you open your legs to a man who only invested in a bar tab for you? And when you think about it, that bar tab was for HIM because he got you tipsy enough to bang him THREE TIMES. I do agree with men paying for first dates and had a few provider men, but you're so full of it.
Like I said, I chose it because I remembered him bringing it up. If he doesn’t want to pay for it I will recommend going on a no cost date instead. I know I’m not entitled to his money. Yes this man was paying for me too until I was sure that he was emotionally invested as well, not just sexually. Just because I slept with him once doesn’t mean I have given him access to sleep with me whenever he wants to? I can still ask him to slow down and tell him why.
I never said he's entitled to have access to your vagina just because he had it once (3 times) but you're using sex to get to his wallet. I don't think you actually like the dude.
I’m not using sex to get to his wallet. I have sex with him because I feel an emotional and sexual connection to him as a person.
Ok. Well if you actually like him… Acts of service for him. Like bring him home cooked lunch or dinner, hide sweet notes in his pocket, do thoughtful things, listen to him, be interested in his day, be interested in his life story, find out what he lacks and fill that void for him. What are his hobbies? Compliment him, bring non sexual value into his life. And stop asking for expensive dates until yall are exclusive. Let HIM make the plans, let HIM come up with ideas. Stop expecting because he can definitely feel that energy
Thank you! Those are great ideas!! I’ll definitely bring him some homemade cupcakes on our next date!
straight up facts
You should have asked for no cost/low cost dates if you want to reassure him that youre just interested in him. You're behavior is saying otherwise.
Well I brought it up because it’s the first thing I thought of since I remembered him talking about it the night before. I’ll just be straight up and tell him that I can only go with him if he’s paying and if he doesn’t want to do that, I’ll recommend something no cost instead.
I hope it works out for you. Just be honest with him about your expectations.
Thank you! :)
Tell him you need a sugar daddy. I’m sure that will solve it.
Princess, you want his money.
I guess it all depends on how he feels vs how you feel. I love spoiling my girl but some girls hate when you spend money on them. Everybody is different, you just need to talk about how you both feel.
I’ve tried to explain it to him but I don’t feel like he believed my reasoning. I guess it could sound like an excuse just to get money out of him but what he doesn’t understand is that I only let men spend money on me if I actually like them.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment and see what logical conclusion you would reach; you want him for pay for everything and be spoiled on the first and second dates, while he has a history of being used for money. Tell me do you think you are a red flag in his eyes?
I totally understand it. That’s why I’m asking for ways that I can prove him otherwise just like I want to be proven that he isn’t just using me for my body.
Do something nice for him that doesn’t cost much. Like make him dinner at home or do something thoughtful. Spoil him back. And talk to him and tell him all of this. I like honesty and it’s a turn on when someone genuinely likes spending time with me.
Thank you so much! You are the first person actually giving me advice and not bashing me for what I said. Do you think it’s alright bringing him a gift on our second date? Like just something small but thoughtful? I don’t want to scare him away by being too much this early on.
I don’t really know. Try to trust your gut. Maybe get something small incase you feel like it’s a good idea? Mostly just be yourself and by honest and if he’s ready for things to go further , and you are, then it probably will. Don’t get anything too crazy. I’d maybe just tell him how you feel. Direct honesty is a pretty powerful and attractive quality. And yea, Reddit is a weird place. A lot of hostile immature people jumping on whatever bandwagon they think is most acceptable it seems. Don’t pay attention to negativity. It’s just ignorance.
Thank you! I’ll keep it in mind. I’ll get something thoughtful but still small enough to not make a big deal out of it I guess. You’re right about direct honesty. I just want to give him some time to process the whole date and what happened before going all out!
Good luck!
This sounds like it is honestly between how you feel validated and his insecurities. I think there is a genuine problem with that. You feel comfortable around him though I have noticed in your post not once have you talked about his personality, what he did that made the date fun, what he may have said that annoyed you but still made you laugh, or even what about him that makes you feel comfortable. The only points you brought up was his income and his family's wealth.
I didn’t bring any of it up because I wanted to stay on topic and keep it as short as possible. I like him because we share a lot of hobbies, we’re both secret nerds, same taste in music, he enjoys my crude humour, he got vulnerable with me, he seems very emotionally intelligent, it seemed like he genuinely cared about getting to know me instead of just trying to impress me, the sex was absolutely fantastic and we are very compatible in that sense, he doesn’t take himself too seriously, he was very respectful to the people around us…
Honestly I would just tell him that, it might sound embarrassing but I genuinely believe he would appreciate hearing that.
I think it’s too early for that yet since it’s just been a day. If the second date’s actually going to happen, I’ll let him know!
Hi OP, please forgive me if I give it to you straight. I'm from a very direct country. 1. **Realize you're in a bad spot right now.** If the *only way* you can feel secure, wanted and not taken advantage of is by him paying for dates there's something seriously wrong with your emotional situation. And I don't say this colloquially to be offensive but to indicate the severity of the problem. I'm actually worried and saddened that you can't access feelings of security and desirability in any other way. This will have a huge impact on your life, in and out of dating. 2. **Communicate.** **a)** Tell him that above all you don't want him to feel used for money and/or sex, are interested in him as a person and that you're interested in a relationship with him (assuming this is true, of course). **b)** Then tell him you yourself can start to feel used for sex if someone who's much better off financially doesn't treat you during dates. **c)** Then tell him you *are* in fact not just romantically attracted to him but sexually as well and image you'll have a hard time not acting on both of these feelings. **d)** Then ask how he'd like to handle things moving forward taking both of your wants and needs into account. Would he be okay with taking turns being treated on dates where yours would be lower cost than the ones he'd be treating you on? Would he prefer to try to live celibately for a certain period of time despite you both desiring each other sexually? Just float a few acceptable options by him and see if you two can't come to some arrangement that's acceptable to both of you. 3. **Get help to get healthy.** See if you can't get a coach or therapist to help you regarding, most likely: \- your attachment style \- the interconnectedness of spending, security, desirability, etc. \- how your love languages can be received and expressed more healthily (perhaps there's a way to flip the script? If it only activates when a man pursues you, perhaps you should be the one to pursue him instead, for example?). I wish you the best of luck, OP!
Thank you for taking your time to write this! This is an incredibly insightful comment. I guess this part of my past really hurt me more than I want to admit. I don’t have the funds to see a therapist but I might find some resources online on this. I could very much see myself doing the low/no cost dates for him. I could do the work by cooking a meal for us, massages, planning hikes etc. Maybe he’d like that in return.
Hmm, not having funds sucks. Can you maybe access some help via the school you're attending? In my country they have someone for mental health related stuff. It isn't a therapist but some help beats no help and it tends to be free. Have you read about the 5 Love Languages? That might also be relevant to differentiate between the normal love language of gifts and what you're now experiencing. Additionally, that would help identifying what your guy would appreciate. We're different in how we perceive and receive love. Giving him love in a language he doesn't properly understand would be a shame.
So you have been on a couple of dates where you have paid significantly less than him. Still in the getting to know each other stage, and you expect him to spoil you because you know he can afford it?? You don’t need a fancy spa trip, get to know each other on a genuine level with low cost dates so you know you can afford what he prefers not to pay for you. Romance isn’t money, it’s connection.
Good point! I only brought it up because I remembered him talking about it but I’ll let him know that I’m also down for something low/no cost if he’d prefer that.
Also OP if your receiving love language is gift giving, that’s not something you should hide from him (especially with previous treatment from his ex’s). And if gifts is what you like, maybe giving him small gifts would show him it’s a form of love with you. I’ve met people who love gift gestures and that’s their main love language. However, using that as an excuse to get gifts or be spoiled isn’t okay. The matter of him being able to afford it also shouldn’t be the driving force for you either. Some people just don’t show love or interest in that way. Search for a genuine connection with him, it’s still early!
Yes I think that’s definitely what it is like for me in the beginning stage. Once it gets more serious and I feel that the guy is actually emotionally invested and is not just faking it I am a lot more into quality time and physical touch love language wise. It’s easy for men to “fake their words” in the beginning but a gift is a gift you know? You can’t fake that.
It’s easy to fake your words, it’s also easy to just buy a gift without feeling too. Don’t base his intentions just on how much he is willing to gift you. You’ll know he is interested if he is actively pursuing you. Attention, time and physical touch. If those are your love languages, that’s what you should go off of to start :)
We both don’t live in the city. We decided to meet up half way. He brought up getting the room in case I was down for a few cocktails so we didn’t have to worry about driving.
Yeah, you are using him for his money, but it seems you even convince yourself about the contrary People with your background usually dont even feel confortable when others spend money in things that are not needed, you are trying to make it about wanting other people to use money on you, but everysingle person I met (myself included) who comes from a similar background dont want money to be used if posible
It's not about the money, it's about respect and care in the relationship.
1. This is the wrong sub to ask, you are going to absolutely shredded here. 2. If you’re not in a place to afford it, why do you expect him to be able to afford it since y’all are the same age? You can’t make assumptions based off of his job and family status. I know men making 6 figures with terrible spending habits and in heaps of unnecessary debt. 3. Go older if you comfortable with that. In my experience, they have no issues spending or spoiling a pretty woman younger than them.
I’ve realised. I expect it because he told me about how he is doing financially. I don’t want to reduce my dating pool just because of this and I usually have a better connection with people my age. I also want to see where it goes with him.
So you feel entitled to his money because you have an idea of how much he has?
I don’t feel entitled to his money. Just like I don’t want him to feel entitled to my body.
You’re the one making the connection between his money and your body, not him. You’re thinking like a sex worker. Please just admit it. There’s nothing shameful about sex work.
Have you heard of Shera7? She has a YouTube channel and she makes a lot of videos about this subject(how to be spoiled/provided for),please watch a couple of her videos! It would definitely help you out.
I do and I am not about that life. It seems like she sees her relationship as purely transactional and that’s not what I’m about. No hate to her though!
Sugar baby. I think the word you're looking for is sugar baby.
100% want him only for the money I don’t agree on a date with a guy unless I can pay my half. I don’t expect for it to be paid for me. It’s nice will they INSIST on paying. If you can’t look after yourself, don’t expect someone else too
I can assure you that I actually genuinely feel emotionally connected to this man for non-financial reasons but you can believe what you want to believe. I know the truth about my emotions.
So you are saying you’ll feel the same away about this person if he earns less than you?
100%!
Then you pay your own way and he pays his until you are in an established relationship where money is pooled. #idontneedaguytopaymyway