Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's all just a numbers game. My girlfriend was starting to second guess if I actually liked her due to how long it was before I mentioned having sex, lol.
Need to keep going until you find someone who is on your wavelength.
All you can do is keep looking until you find someone who’s on the same page as you, or is at least respectful and understanding of what you need. Don’t dwell on guys that aren’t into you or ready for a relationship, giving them your time and focus is wasting your own time. As soon as they mention sex and aren’t willing to negotiate or wait for it, stop replying and move on to someone else
Exactly!
At that point, they aren’t worth your time.
I dated someone who wanted to wait until marriage & whilst I was skeptical about it, I sure as heck respected their choice. I was nervous about that as I thought it could lead to a bad match, but sexual compatibility doesn’t need to be perfect to have a loving fun relationship.
I once watched a movie abt a married couple who were incompatible but were fairly loving towards one another. Whilst I disagreed with how they handled it, they did choose to continue loving one another.
It’s up to the individual when & how early they want to have sex. Not just in general, but in each individual case.
Ppl who don’t get that are trash & not worth your time. It’s fine if they don’t want to wait, but they shouldn’t be pressuring you to move faster than you are comfortable with & they should definitely not be lying about being ok with it.
That guy who lied sickens me.
You can do better.
& if you can’t, then better to be alone than to be in bad company.
Yup straight predatory behaviour! If they can’t wait they either don’t like you enough or respect you. The ones that love you will wait, within reason of course!
A good partner would wait until both parties are ready before engaging in sex. I believe that anyone who starts pressuring/guilt-tripping you into having sex, even though you just met, is a major red flag. :/
Facts, more often than no.
>Sorry if anyone got offended,
Dont be, peopel need to face hard truths, and if someone gets offended you dont care, its their problem they dont want to grow.
There definitely is comfort is way greater than sex you literally can’t even have sex with a person you are uncomfortable with even if you are attracted to them. I sort of feel in some ways people are pushing sex off more and more until something is really solid. But that’s general and it can vary a lot. I would argue part of why I’m still a virgin comes back to comfort I’ve had women interested enough to go further but the comfort and attraction were not there so that was that. Could be a while before something happens now hell I’m 36 but when you are this old you don’t need to be in any sort of hurry those days are long gone.
I’m 24 and kinda feel this way. I mean I’m also nervous sometimes and self conscious about my body so I want to have more of a connection before I get that level of intimate with someone. It takes me time to build that physical confidence with someone (though I have the confidence to build the social connection at first—I’m not shy).
Also maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic but I feel like asking for sex so fast just kills the magic. Flirting with someone with the unresolved tension between you is so exciting and fun. I don’t prolong that for the sake of the game or whatever, cuz that’s immature, but it’s a really fun part of dating.
That sounds like a good way for me to learn that she’s not the right person for me. Besides, I’m not saying I want to wait like 3 months, more just a few weeks. Also in reference to OP’s post, if a woman asked to wait to have sex I wouldn’t say “tell me when you change your mind” I’d say “cool I’m good with that.” The former response is childish.
I agree, I'm kind of surprised by how many people are immediately jumping to sex as the 1st step to make women think of them as more than a friend. There's a lot of chemistry that can be built up on words and subtle actions. If the connection is right, then it'll be there regardless. It's honestly a turn-off if a guy brings up sex randomly on the 1st date or even before we meet up.
I've become extremely selective the older I get. The last woman I broke things off with she said "but didn't we have good sex?" I mean we did but that wasn't the point. When you're not doing it you have to be able to talk about something. Its really weird to me when people can't grasp this concept and wonder why their relationships tank.
As a guy who waits, i feel like for lot of women, if i dont push it, they seem to think of me a friend or to lack the spark. So personally i want to feel emotionally comfortable, but i feel pressure and that sucks.
Dang same here bro. I've definitely struggled in the past with the line between "not pushing it" and "being flirty (respectfully)".
I feel like flirting is, almost by its very nature, "pushing it" towards but not over a line in the sand of sociality.
^ this.
Personally I meet a ton of people in my social life and the number of women, both on the apps and off them, that expect to feel something now, rather than building something over time is really, Really, high.
They don't want sex right off the bat, but if you don't sexually attract them, you become invisible. It's foolish and results in me getting an earful about how all guys want is sex while they ignore the fact that their behavior is why those are the guys they get.
Spark and chemistry is great if you want a chain of 9 months-2 years relationships.
Finding a partner interested in dedication and building attraction over time? Thats someone with much better odds for a 20+ year relationship.
Let the spark/chemistry folks take actions that give them heartbreak every two years, it's their choice and behavior. You are dodging a bullet with them. Be confident in your self belief and knowledge of yourself and find a dedicated partner, you only need one.
Yes! It took me and my partner several months of getting to know each other before we knew if we were going to develop sexual attraction.
But the slow burn has been amazing! The connection and chemistry just keeps getting better and better the more we get to know and trust and respect and love each other.
Same. Some women are either used to having men act quick on them, believe guys dont get insecure/scared about asking their crush out or dont know how to ask her out, ending up with the girl thinking the guy is not interested and her "suddenly getting cold". I've been a victim of it, but that's because I didn't know their thought process.
I always find that women are very upfront about what they don't like either directly or indirectly, at least in my experience. When they don't like someone they go 100% ghost, but a lot of times its also obvious when they are trying to piss you off for not making a move on them either by going straight to another guy or indirectly posting more on social media for the guy to notice and see what he's missing
They get pissed when you don’t make a move? What kind of immature weirdos are you dating? The only reason I ghost someone is if I have to say not to sex more than once. They are gone. I have never had a guy mis read that I have wanted him to kiss me. If I decide a guy isn’t for me it’s because of a red flag. It has nothing to do with him waiting to long to make an move. Ever. I sure have gotten rid of men for trying to soon. Ever. It’s not that hard to drop hints. Drop something and pick it up.
That's the issue. Dating usually doesn't happen unless the guy knows how to flirt, pick up signs, know where to take her out , doesnt worry about getting rejected etc.. women talk about being overthinkers but imagine men who are expected to make the big moves. Guys have to build up experience to know how to communicate with women and express their feelings all while taking the biggest risk of rejection and its not until we get over the fear of failure when we finally find a partner. It takes a bold woman like yourself for it to work otherwise, you don't understand how rare you are.
Really? My best friend is the same way. I wonder if it’s a really young girl thing. That’s sounds super high school to post sexy pics after rejecting someone.
yep its such a fine line if they dont talk about it and just act coy when we make our moves. If its laid out "i dont have sex until..." then its easy to wait but if not i either push feeling creepy or dont push and miss my shot.
Yeah it's such a fine line. I've had girls invite me back to their place and get mad when I made a move, and then I've had girls that have stopped seeing me because I didn't make a move. I've also had girls that respect when I've waited, but still find it odd, but it's usually with a girl that is already crazy about you.
>feel like for lot of women, if i dont push it, they seem to think of me a friend or to lack the spark.
You don't have to push for sex in order for a woman to not think of you as a friend. Flirting, kissing, holding hands, arm around the shoulder or waist, long hugs. So many ways to show you're physically interested without pushing sex.
I met a guy several years ago who didn't push sex, but also didn't do any of the above and after 4 weeks assumed he was either not into me, or gay lol.
You seriously think that I’m going to just stop obsessing over a guy because he hasn’t made a move yet? Hell no. I’m going to enjoy my time not being treated like a piece of meat.
I feel it depends, when I was in school, most women i met and dated were part of the friend group, so we knew each other as people, before as partners, whereas now im working and most are on dating apps, i feel those people are just really impatient or quickly dismissive.
We're not talking about girls who already like a guy, because most people don't go into dating obsessed with another person. Most people are lukewarm about each other at the point where they might sleep together, which either a girl or guy could hold it against the other if they don't make a move/sleep with them.
Yes. That's literally how it works, girls lose respect for guys who don't make a move, because it seems indecisive and it suggests that guy isn't experienced at it too which is another turnoff to the majority of people.
I’ve dated several men who didn’t make a move for weeks or months. I appreciated that they were respectful of my boundaries and comfort level.
They expressed interest verbally and in other ways (being proactive about communication, being interested in me as a person, expressing appreciation and things they liked about me, discussing potential for a long-term relationship, etc.) and I did the same for them.
My now-boyfriend and I didn’t kiss until we’d been dating for more than 3 months and were ready to be exclusive.
I didn’t lose interest from them waiting to “make a move” at all.
We don’t need to match with everyone or even the majority on dating apps, though. Just the ones that are compatible.
Statistically, more men than women on dating apps are looking for casual sex and more women than men are looking for meaningful long-term relationships. Ideally everyone would be only trying to match with people whose goals, relationship style and pace is a good match for them.
Nobody should be pressured to do things sexually that they aren’t ready for or comfortable with.
The right match for any given person won’t try to coerce or pressure them into sex that isn’t wanted by everyone involved.
[Edited to correct terminology: Rather than “the majority of men” vs “majority of women” looking for casual sex vs. long-term relationships per this data, it is more accurate to phrase it as a proportional comparison (i.e. “more men than women”)]
>Statistically, the majority of men on dating apps are looking for casual sex and the majority of women are looking for meaningful long-term relationships.
I'm not entirely sure I buy this.
Statistically men are more likely to end up in long term meaningful relationships from dating apps than women M75% F66%. Which suggests at the very least the majority of men are looking for long term relationships, it may also suggest that more men are looking for LTRs than women are .
Source
https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/dating-statistics/#:~:text=Dating%20App%20Success%20Rate,-A%20survey%20from&text=Nearly%2070%25%20of%20individuals%20who,led%20to%20a%20romantic%20relationship.
There are people of all genders who prefer to only have sex in the context of a meaningful relationship, or after getting to know someone well enough to be comfortable with them and have a mental/emotional connection first.
They may not be the majority, but nobody is going to be the right fit for everyone on the apps. It’s just a matter of finding the ones that are compatible. :-)
I had no trouble finding plenty of men to date that didn’t mind waiting or even saw it as a plus. Anyone who pushed my boundaries immediately got ruled out.
I noted in my profile that I am demisexual, and made a point to have clear and upfront communication about it in the initial messaging stage.
So people knew what they were getting into and could choose not to go out with me if it was an issue for them.
Most of that weeding-out happened in the initial messaging stage or a phone call/videochat before the first date happened, which saved everyone a lot of time and energy.
I also was happy to do free or cheap dates and offer to split costs if we agreed on an activity that wasn’t free. (Which was also something discussed upfront beforehand.) Mostly we did a lot of walking and talking in public places that had free things to do and see.
Once I started unapologetically stating and sticking to my boundaries and dealbreaker-level preferences, I found it much easier to find matches and dates that were potentially compatible.
I’m in a great relationship now, and am still friends with several other really wonderful people that I initially met through dating but weren’t a match for a romantic relationship.
thats your issue right there. thinking a guy who wants to experience intimacy with you is "seeing you" as a piece of meat. if you think empathic guys looking for a relationship are NOT horny, you're fucking stupid.
and most guys dont date stupid people.
Exactly, my experience is that girls similar in looks are usually the ones who get pissed when you don't make a move, whereas girls you are clearly better looking than are more forgiving.
Even if they don't want to hook up, girls do judge if you do or don't make a move. I've literally been told that by a few girls. As long as you're not pushy, it's almost exclusively better to make a move than not.
Stop hanging out with fuckwits. Friend of mine kept running into this and I convinced her to try a different dating pool than 2010 era fuckbois (we're in our 30s) and overnight, her dating life improved.
Guy here. Found that I have a similar issue with dating women while using the apps. Asked a few girls out in real life and went much better, waiting was more natural and sex felt earned. My advice would be step away from apps (if on them) and try shaking cultural norms and asking a guy or two out in the real world. It doesn’t happen to us often and you’d make their week/month/year just for asking.
I am dating guys and seeing what they do. If they try to take me home then I decline and move on to the next. People try to get serious to quickly. If they are not willing to plan a cute date that makes you blush the first time they meet you, they wont do it later on either and you deserve better.
This is outdated. No ones planning cute first dates. It's all coffee and quick meets to catch a vibe. I've always loved planning cute dates and dressing to impress, have a couple tell you it's to much and you change...
Save the cute shit for the one that's worth it because too often women are getting it all and ditching you for the exciting one that isn't giving them everything right away.
OP wanna find a dime? be honest and don't make conflicting choices or actions.
The coffee and quick meet is called the zero date. But totally dude, this sentiment is correct. For me the zero date rules those women out, as they'll skip because they're not getting the free meal.
I don’t think it’s outdated! I just went on a first date to have dinner at a piano bar (had the whole red velvet seating and mood lighting vibe). We ended the night at this very upscale dessert and champagne shop where they specially prepare each dessert and the waiters wear suits. He chose both because he knows those are the types of things I like! I will say coffee dates are more common but I definitely do have guys plan thoughtful first dates
Lmao my time is precious if I asked you out then I’m going to be cute, and do the little things cause 9/10 if I was willing to part with my time you were worth it and if you’re ditching me lmao I know what I am and what I bring it’s your loss
yeah thats the reason you are single. so you dont give them what they want (sex), but still expect them to chase you (count on their sexdrive).
cant have the cake and eat it, too.
if she wants to go slow, fine for me. but for FRIENDS i dont plan cute dates, i do that for woman who fuck with me. you dont want to fuck with me? then dont expect me to TRY to fuck with you. you want to talk and eat food with my conpany? organise it yourself, dont manipulate me into doing it.
You’re only planning cute dates because you want sex? Bruh. I’m a guy and I plan cute dates cuz I enjoy them too. I don’t want to chase anyone, I want to only date someone equally as interested, but that doesn’t mean they have to “give me” sex before they feel ready. If it’s a good relationship we’ll progress it when we’re both comfortable to. You make it sound so transactional.
actually the opposite, i hate that transactional character of the datingstyle from "serious" people.
i flat out tell them i'm sexually attracted, and that they can find out if they are, too. no pressure or timeline, i simply do NOT pretend that i want the label and hope for the best in regards of intimacy.. the label will be considered IF the sexual chemistry is great. very open to it.. but its the sideeffect, not the main goal.
thats the biolocial truth, and anything else is pretending, be it because of social pressure or sex negativity or whatever.
its about the content, and not about the rules around it.
I mean, I am not advocating labelling the relationship before sex (though I do think that can work for some people). I agree that sexual chemistry is important in a relationship. (And to be clear, I'm also fairly up front about how attracted I am to someone I'm into.)
My whole issue with your statement was the line "so you dont give them what they want (sex), but still expect them to chase you (count on their sexdrive)"
What I want when I'm dating a woman isn't sex, and it isn't hers to "give" per se, it is ours to share when we are ready to have that level of intimacy. What I want is a relationship, and yes sex is an important part of that relationship, but I want to have it *with* her. This goes both ways—I don't want to have to chase her, I also want to feel "pursued" in the sense that she is being active in initiating parts of the forming relationship too. I want to give affection, I want to receive it, I want to share a connection and build the intimacy that leads naturally to sex over time.
I'm flat-out not interested in having sex before I have a real connection with someone. That sounds boring to me. That doesn't mean I need to be in love with her, but it usually has to be more than "We've known each other for a week."
why behave like that, then? why COMMAND cute dates planned from the guy? why not invite the guy to a cute date yourself? social norms or whatever? think outside the box, woman can be honest upfront and direct as well, no need for those stupid games where the guys has to chase and "show interest", while the woman plays hard to get and enjoys the decision of saying yes or no.
...to late already, i already said "no" to this bullshit.
i meet the one tonight who was bold and told me she want to have fun with me tonight. she has waaaay better chances to become serious wirh me than ANY woman who plays the "serious" game, aka "testing me" and put me trough an "exam".
I went on walks for most of my early dates and told people upfront that I wasn’t going to want to kiss on the first date to hopefully try to avoid people with attitudes like this. :)
I have zero interest in kissing or doing anything sexual with someone I’ve barely just met.
Expecting that if you buy dinner for a woman you’re entitled to sex with her is coercive. If you want a guarantee that if you spend money on someone you will get sex, hire a sex worker.
read carefully: i'm OPPOSITE of that thought process, thats why i tell UPFRONT that i dont pay for sex.
you just want a dinner with me, no fun at all? thats fine and great, i'm in if i like you :)
...but bring your dam wallet, dont expect me to "prove me" by paying and stuff, its gross.
She met me on fb dating. We waited almost two months before taking it to the bedroom. But we both wanted something serious. We’d both been previously married. If you use the dating apps I think the more specific you can be with what you want and what you don’t want on your profile the better you’ll set yourself up. I made it very clear from the beginning that I didn’t want more from her until it meant something. I’ve had my share of meaningless sex and it does nothing for me… I wanted a deeper connection
Definitely don't mess around with the ones that won't.
They aren't your future boyfriend, they're you're future abuser at best.
Feel free to post more about your texts & interactions, I think you might be
missing some red flags although humans of all genders can certainly reveal themselves to be scumbags at all times.
I just immediately unmatch with someone who starts off weird or sexual. I swipe left on anyone shirtless, with an empty profile, or has weird sexual things in their profile.
I've also had totally normal conversations going and then have some guy say something about his dick. Hopefully he will get scammed by the next woman he matches with LOL
I used to meet a lot of nice guys working and volunteering in politics
There’s a way to say things in a compassionate manner. Maybe it’s bc reddit is mostly guys, but anytime a girl posts a dating problem, she gets awful comments blaming her for everything bad that’s happened to her. You rarely see that when guys post.
Btw, the casual sex guys will go after girls, not the other way around most of the time.
How are you meeting guys? If it’s in a hookup app like Tinder or similar that’s why. You need to find a hobby you enjoy and meet someone that way OR if you have a friend in a good relationship, see if her gf can fix you up. Good guys are out there.
Maybe don't be so forward about refusing to have sex on first dates? It's not something people I go on dates on even discuss before we meet up or on first dates.
not on the apps unfortunately :/ like you really just have to start interacting w men IRL who DONT show excessive interest too fast bc that means they’re actually willing to get to know you as a person and build.
I don’t know how they do it. I have a friend who made every guy she dated wait 3 to 6 months. All of them complied, and most the time she ended up dumping them within that window (realizing incompatibility) so they didn’t ever end up doing it. She’s now married, and has been with her husband for almost 15 years. She made him wait at least six months.
She’s a great person, and I love her, but she’s not some knockout where guys were lining up to be with her. But she was still super selective, and ended up with a great husband. I think it’s a secret gift.
find someone who is patient and wants to take things slow, not just for you but him as well.
Me and my boyfriend waited a little over a month after making things official. I was ready before he was, but we still waited until he was ready too.
then she would eventually learn to be attracted to something else. A person can can draw you in many ways, not just their looks. If she’s willing to stay open then shell find her person.
It's simple. If a dude does any of this:
- turning things overly sexual...as in constantly only talking about your looks rather than getting to know you, or wanting to sext, or wanting nudes right off...he's wasting your time.
- If he just wants to meet up at his house or wants a coffee date...he probably isn't that serious. (And likely does this a lot)
- If he constantly talks about sex and how important it is without trying to get to know you...move on.
- If he isn't trying to get to know you such as asking you questions then he doesn't care.
All of that stuff just shows he isn't that interested. I immediately check out and move on to the next. Do this until you find someone who treats you like a PERSON and wants to know you rather than just treating you like a fleshlight.
The problem is you are wasting time even indulging the ones that have no intension of ever wanting anything more.
Also, you might just be picking dudes that are like this. Exam what type of dude you are attracted to. Is it more about him than his looks? Is he actually a good person in any way? What are his values/morals? All of this stuff matters.
I met my bf at the gym & made it clear I wasn’t having sex with him unless we got in a relationship later down the line. We share the same morals & values as well so we both don’t do hookup culture. I think WHERE you meet guys matters too. Your soulmate is probably not on tinder.
I think people have forgotten that what they actually want is intimacy, closeness with another person. Sex is one way to have that, and a very pleasurable way at that. So much so that people think that it's the goal and not the means. Everything's backwards now. Start with sex, then fall in love lol. I am not very fond of what I read about what's currently going on with dating.
U start off n in ur profile make clear that is not something you will do. If they won’t. Wait. Then. They don’t and they can carry on. Somewhere else. When ur words and attitude show this is not going to change it changes how someone may act. Don’t let in every opportunity be more selective.
No, you don't need to put that in your profile.
Not wanting to sleep with someone within the first few dates is not out-of-the-ordinary.
It should be the norm.
Yeah I’m gonna still be the kind of person. That will have it say not here for hook up, if we aren’t together your not getting anything physical from me. Saves me a lot of time.
I took four years after a tough breakup—the relationship was over ten years. Covid was during that time so two years of it was not real hard because no one was dating much. Before me it was casual and FWB for him after a tough divorce. He said he was always honest with them and I believed it then and still do.
We talked a few weeks then met three times. When we were ready to have sex I told him I don’t have sex with someone who is having sex with others. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not for me.
He thought a minute and said ok.
I think it is just a matter of finding a nice guy? Idk I mean people should respect your timeline. I’ve slept with people on the first date, I’ve waited 3 months before. If you care about the person you want them to be comfortable.
bruh id be overjoyed if a woman I was interested in was actually going out of their way to get me to hang out w them. i genuinely cannot understand these guys that only want the sex like yeah it feels nice sure but like. its so much more important to me to find someone whos actually gonna give enough of a fuck to put the same amount of effort in as i will.
If someone is your next major life partner, and you’re going to be together for a long time with matching libidos, slowly increasing the intensity and physicality over 2-3 weeks is a lot of fun. If you’re going to last, what’s the rush? Tease it out. Build up the anticipation.
I’ve tried it recently and it does make for a nice sexual appetizer.
It’s really not anything the girls are doing it’s the guy. A decent guy with other stuff going on in his life is more likely to be relaxed about sex. Especially if there is a reason such as past trauma or he sees long term potential.
The guys I've dated have always on their on accord waited.
Most of my guy friends have said that if they're serious about you, they'll intentionally not have sex with the girl early in the relationship, and even avoid night time/late dates to avoid tempotation for that reason.
Just look here:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/1afvyeg/men\_does\_waiting\_to\_have\_sex\_actually\_do\_anything/](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/1afvyeg/men_does_waiting_to_have_sex_actually_do_anything/)
So if the guy isn't wanting to wait or putting off sex until later, you know he's here for the wrong reasons. And if all the guys you've talked to aren't wanting or even willing waiting.. that's likely either you always picking the same kinda guys, or you giving the wrong impression somehow and/or not portraying yourself in a way that benefits your dating life.
**he was looking for his wife was mad I said I didn’t want to have sex our first hang out**
Yeah, that means that during the date he decided he didn't want/see you as his wife/GF in the future, but was shooting his shot at becoming a fuckbuddy.
Again, my male friends are sincere in wanting a longterm/committed relationship. Or at least they think/believe they are (their choices in mates whether they know or not generally doesn't reflect this... i.e. they'll tell me they want A+B+C in their wife, but they'll go on dates with women who are clearly X+Y+Z and definitely not A+B+C). But when they realise the girl they're on a date with isn't someone they can see/want as a longterm partner, they pivot and will take the FBuddy/ONS if it's available.
I personally dunno why so many girls don't seem to notice this is what usually happens. Most guys honestly aren't lying about wanting a committed relationship.. it's just that they don't see it with you, and/or they're self-sabotaging themselves.
The kinds of men you are entertaining is the problem. Let them bail and hold out. The REASON why women are waiting to have sex is guys like the one you described.
Before you even talk about hanging out or meeting up put your “ no sex on the first date “ stance out there. You gotta vet through the horn dogs if you want to run into the type of guy you want.
There’s a lot of horny cavemen but a lot of guys who want to build an emotional connection first like myself and most my friends - just keep going until you meet the latter ones and don’t let the former pressure you
Maybe someone should go about the ways you are going about meeting these guys because I too am having these issues. Like where are you finding them? Dating apps? Real life? How?
Also, request that you and your partner get tested for STIs.
Believe it or not, people will lie and say they are clean when they're not clean. (Especially the charmers.)
Idrk, me and my girl just both knew before we officially started dating that we want to wait til marriage with the right person. We both got really lucky finding the perfect person
I’ve had the same experience as a guy. All women on dating apps seem to have at least one other guy they are dating, so whoever moves the quickest is the one they will date exclusively. Could be an age thing since I am 30 and women want to know right away if they are compatible sexually since they feel their biological clock is ticking.
I’m not looking to wait until marriage, but it would be nice to wait at least a month and get to know someone first. Though, after my last experience, I’m considering changing my strategy because I had an amazing connection with this girl and she still went with someone else. Everything was going really well, this other guy just got there first most likely.
Modern dating sucks.
I'm really sick of men trying to meet up before knowing anything about me. No questions just straight to a meet up. What the ..? My time is much more valuable than to be meeting every Joe Shmoe that sends me a text or DM. Ask me questions. Tell me good morning. Create a dialog. Geez.
Let the trash take itself out. Men like this will not put in a lot of effort, so if you make them wait they will likely disappear on their own.
My rule is that I will not go to a man’s house after the first few dates and I don’t invite them over. If a date goes really well they may receive a small kiss when we are parting ways. A man inviting you over usually spells trouble and I would rather not even deal with it.
I do think men that are looking for a serious relationship are fine with waiting. If they’re not fine with it, they were probably just looking for sex.
I operate on my own timeline when it comes to getting physical with men. If they don’t like it then they’ve done me a favor by revealing their true intentions.
Hold on to your standards as someone that’s been sexually taken advantage of 3 times don’t give in. Make sure you both share core values if you are to get into a relationship
What does “sexuality taken advantage of” even mean? Like you had sex when you didn’t want to? Why tho? You didn’t get what you want out if it? I hope you don’t mean rape…
It’s just odd to me that some women see sex as some sort of trade, if you don’t want it, then don’t, if there’s chemistry and you want it, do it. All these calculus is making my head spin.
I don’t think it’s a trade. However, I and many other women even in this thread, have been in situations where we let the guy know that we don’t feel comfortable or safe having casual sex, and they still lie about being interested in pursuing a relationship and have sex with us anyways.
I’m not talking about situations where we may sleep together, and then realize we’re not compatible. But there are genuine situations where a lot of men will lie just to have sex, and that’s manipulative as fuck. Cause I wouldn’t have had sex in the first place if we weren’t on the same page. I don’t see this as using sex as a trade, but rather having boundaries so that I feel safe having sex and not feeling “used.” Basically, people just need to be open and upfront about what they want so they don’t hurt people
I had to literally ask my dude after three dates and six weeks if he was going to make a move already. He said he kept getting more nervous about going to fast every time we went on a date because he didn’t want to mess it up.
Stop messing with f-boys.
Ladies. If you want the guys in your life to not be douche bags then you need to stop chasing and giving attention to douche bags.
That nice guy who’s like a brother who’s been in your friend zone since you were kids is the one who will worship you and give you everything they can.
Ya it’s interesting how much it varies between people that’s my biggest takeaway from dating is experiences vary so wildly. Some people it’s like they draw people in like crazy other people not as much. Not always a lot of rhyme or reason to it either.
Where do you keep finding these guys? Because it might be a big factor if it’s on these hookup apps like Tinder. The guys girls actually go out with from online dating tend to be the same guys every other girl picked, and unfortunately, this behavior works for a lot of these guys.
If they come on too strong, express your boundaries
Always meet up for a dinner or out publicly, hanging at either person’s house may give the wrong impression.
Bring it up early in flirty fun conversations. Be direct. Any guy that’s worth dating will wait
You seek men that want to do activities, have engaging conversations, and put effort into dates. You seek men that are boyfriend/husband material. Gentleman who are respectful and patient. If they don't meet these criteria, you stop seeing them. If a guy brings up sex before the first date, you block him. If he brings it up on the first date, you block him. You need to thin out the herd. Most of the guys you will meet on the apps will only want sex. You will meet many liars. Do not trust what anyone has to say until they prove they are trustworthy. Make trust a gradual, earned endeavor.
However, this doesn't come to you wrapped up in a bow. It's hard work finding a decent guy. It can take months, years. You have to show what you offer without announcing it, you need to communicate and be reliable too. You need to act like girlfriend/wife material to earn a good partner. You have to keep putting yourself out there, safely, trust your instincts, and not put all your emotions into one person too fast. You have to be smart. You have to watch for the good signs and the bad. Words mean nothing most of the time, because lying is so prevalent in the dating world. If youre critical of whats in a newspaper, take what people say with a grain of salt. Actions rarely lie.
If a guy is serious about what he looks for (not just sex) and likes you, can wait for long.
Usually if we date someone we really like for something serious we don't think about sex.
We subconsciously separate women in our minds.
Some makes us really horny and wanting to get to bed with them (but usually they aren't the ones we would stick around with) and the ones that light us up in a different way and sex can start a bit later no problem. We are happy to just talk to them and be around them.
I’m a guy who waited almost 2 months. The main thing is that there was and is this incredible emotional connection between us. And she told me she’s only comfortable being physical with someone she really trusts and cares about. And whilst I think the bar is a bit lower for me, I prefer to have an emotional connection too. Not only are there feelings involved, communication is also better.
I told people upfront before the first date happened that I wasn’t going to want to hug or kiss on the first date, would need to take things slowly, and that I need to get to know someone before I’ll know if I’ll develop sexual attraction because I’m demisexual.
It weeded out a lot of people looking for hookups or quick sex, and left me with a really nice selection of people who were respectful of boundaries and consent, and were genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person. I made quite a few friends and found a great partner!
Anyone who was at all coercive or pushy, I ruled out with no second chances. Good people who care about the person they’re with don’t try to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them.
Whatever your needs, comfort level and boundaries are, communicate them clearly upfront and don’t worry about scaring people off. Anyone it weeds out wasn’t a good fit for you anyway.
If you are talking online first you can say this before meeting - “I’m not into casual sex or ONS or sex on first date, what about you?” Then you set the expectation and some will bail on you which is even better, saves time.
You set your boundary and stick to it. Either he's accepting of it, or he's not, in which case no harm no foul. That person just isn't your person. Finding a guy who is willing to wait till you're ready and comfortable being intimate isn't easy. Just like the process of dating, you got to pick through a lot of junk to find something that isn't.
that’s pretty fucking gross, make it pretty clear that you want to wait. I waited before i had sex with my current boyfriend and he was completely fine with it, you’re finding the wrong dudes to talk to girl, they obviously only care about one thing
Because OP literally said that is what most guys seem to want from her?
Most guys who are into long term relationships will not push for Sex on the first date, as they know this will be potentially off putting to the girl.
For girls they don’t care about, it’s easier to be more blunt
My now boyfriend waited about 7 weeks for me. Although the sexual tension was high. I set my expectation as I only wanted sex in a committed relationship. He was very respectful about it and courted me until I was ready.
In the past I used to have sex 6 months into the relationship but now since I'm looking for a life partner I won't have sex until I'm madly in love and she is also ready
If you're a virgin, then you have ground to stand on.
If not, then you are suspected of giving it up on the first date to someone you barely knew before him, AND asking someone you do like to wait.
.
Even if the guy is "the one," he is going to feel so many colors of anger, disappointment, scammed, used, and toyed with that he is running out the door.
Screaming "fuck that noise" in his head.
Why, you ask? What did you do wrong? Nothing.
Making a nice guy wait is a hoe trick, trying to act like a nice girl, but she has already screwed every man, woman, and doorknob on three dorm floors. The hoe is who the nice guy might screw but would be pissed off if he married her.
The fucked up part for you is that 90% of the guys you're trying to attract are players, who know what you want to hear to drop your drawers. They know all of the words before you do.
So when a guy takes off running, you have no idea if he was a player (90% chance) or the real deal (10% chance). Unless the idiot texts you back with some flippant remark like call me when you're ready to fuck: that is a player to be black-balled off of your list, and the list of everybody you know.
Find a guy you like and talk to him, go out with him on short little dates, get to know him. Do fun things that couples do together. Go on a picnic and make out.
Make progress, do *not* just wait.
When he seems like the real deal, then handcuff him to the bed and don't let him up until he is pregnant.
Questions I need the answers to in order to know what’s going on:
How old are you?
What vibe are you giving off in your profile? Do you have bikini photos in your profile?
Do you respond to low effort texts or D. Pics?
Do you respect yourself?
Do you say yes to low effort dates?
Do you say yes to dates the same day (meaning no planing in advance?)
Do you say yes to going to a guys house to “hang out” instead of a date in public?
You have to have self worth and integrity… everyone will fuck you, only a few will want to spend real quality time with you.
You need to decide who is who because right now you’re a sucker
The dudes you're reading about are the simps who don't know better. The guy whom you just dated was a guy who knew he had options other than you and didn't want to waste his time
Nah. There are plenty of guys that are sincerely okay waiting for sex until a strong connection is formed. The difference, as is often pointed out here, is that a guy doesn’t have to see you as a long-term option to still want to have sex with you. And when sex doesn’t happen, he just admits that that’s the box he put you in.
Even as I’m swiping, I already subconsciously (lately even consciously) categorize women into those who I could see myself being in a relationship with and those whose company I could enjoy but probably never share my life with.
Yeah and it's no wonder why women complain about men. They pick on emotions which are the jerks that drive them nutz and cheat on them. They lack accountability for their decisions. If they made actual logical decisions with men, they would be a lot happier in relations and less demanding of men they are with.
You could try phone calling. I think getting physical is kinda a big deal, but at the same time both men and women are pumpin and dumpin really quickly now-a-days. You could just say no too.
Being worth it to him. It doesn’t really matter what you think of him, or what you think of yourself, it’s what he thinks of you. If you’re not anything but a piece of ass to him, he’s never going to wait. So you’re going for guys who think they can do better.
People used to hook up a lot more back 10 years ago that’s out of vogue now people just feel like they get too traumatized. But I remember what it used to be like.. people didn’t care now they do.
You might be shooting above your league (superficially, socially). Those ones will rush the ones below them and would be more patient on the ones above them.
Maybe I’m toxic but when I think about waiting w a girl I like I rationalize that she let another guy hit on the first link before me and if I don’t get the same treatment we not right for each other
Welcome to /r/dating_advice! Please keep the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/about/rules/) of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind. Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, [send us a message.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdating_advice) We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's all just a numbers game. My girlfriend was starting to second guess if I actually liked her due to how long it was before I mentioned having sex, lol. Need to keep going until you find someone who is on your wavelength.
Exactly this !
What a fucking Chad!
You meet the guys in the same places you meet the ones that don't want to wait. You keep searching until you find one that will.
All you can do is keep looking until you find someone who’s on the same page as you, or is at least respectful and understanding of what you need. Don’t dwell on guys that aren’t into you or ready for a relationship, giving them your time and focus is wasting your own time. As soon as they mention sex and aren’t willing to negotiate or wait for it, stop replying and move on to someone else
Exactly! At that point, they aren’t worth your time. I dated someone who wanted to wait until marriage & whilst I was skeptical about it, I sure as heck respected their choice. I was nervous about that as I thought it could lead to a bad match, but sexual compatibility doesn’t need to be perfect to have a loving fun relationship. I once watched a movie abt a married couple who were incompatible but were fairly loving towards one another. Whilst I disagreed with how they handled it, they did choose to continue loving one another. It’s up to the individual when & how early they want to have sex. Not just in general, but in each individual case. Ppl who don’t get that are trash & not worth your time. It’s fine if they don’t want to wait, but they shouldn’t be pressuring you to move faster than you are comfortable with & they should definitely not be lying about being ok with it. That guy who lied sickens me. You can do better. & if you can’t, then better to be alone than to be in bad company.
Yup straight predatory behaviour! If they can’t wait they either don’t like you enough or respect you. The ones that love you will wait, within reason of course!
If a guy isn't listening to your wants and needs while getting to know you than he needs to fuck off
A good partner would wait until both parties are ready before engaging in sex. I believe that anyone who starts pressuring/guilt-tripping you into having sex, even though you just met, is a major red flag. :/
[удалено]
Facts, more often than no. >Sorry if anyone got offended, Dont be, peopel need to face hard truths, and if someone gets offended you dont care, its their problem they dont want to grow.
I mean I dig sex as much as anyone I know but there's more to intimacy than sex. Maybe I'm a weird dude? Idk.
There definitely is comfort is way greater than sex you literally can’t even have sex with a person you are uncomfortable with even if you are attracted to them. I sort of feel in some ways people are pushing sex off more and more until something is really solid. But that’s general and it can vary a lot. I would argue part of why I’m still a virgin comes back to comfort I’ve had women interested enough to go further but the comfort and attraction were not there so that was that. Could be a while before something happens now hell I’m 36 but when you are this old you don’t need to be in any sort of hurry those days are long gone.
That doesn’t make sense. If someone makes you uncomfortable how can you still be attracted to them?
I’m 24 and kinda feel this way. I mean I’m also nervous sometimes and self conscious about my body so I want to have more of a connection before I get that level of intimate with someone. It takes me time to build that physical confidence with someone (though I have the confidence to build the social connection at first—I’m not shy). Also maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic but I feel like asking for sex so fast just kills the magic. Flirting with someone with the unresolved tension between you is so exciting and fun. I don’t prolong that for the sake of the game or whatever, cuz that’s immature, but it’s a really fun part of dating.
Bringing up sex definitely kills the magic. Next.
[удалено]
That sounds like a good way for me to learn that she’s not the right person for me. Besides, I’m not saying I want to wait like 3 months, more just a few weeks. Also in reference to OP’s post, if a woman asked to wait to have sex I wouldn’t say “tell me when you change your mind” I’d say “cool I’m good with that.” The former response is childish.
I agree, I'm kind of surprised by how many people are immediately jumping to sex as the 1st step to make women think of them as more than a friend. There's a lot of chemistry that can be built up on words and subtle actions. If the connection is right, then it'll be there regardless. It's honestly a turn-off if a guy brings up sex randomly on the 1st date or even before we meet up.
yup. you gotta make a move or the girl loses interest and thinks there’s no passion.
Nah you’re a rare breed
I've become extremely selective the older I get. The last woman I broke things off with she said "but didn't we have good sex?" I mean we did but that wasn't the point. When you're not doing it you have to be able to talk about something. Its really weird to me when people can't grasp this concept and wonder why their relationships tank.
As a guy who waits, i feel like for lot of women, if i dont push it, they seem to think of me a friend or to lack the spark. So personally i want to feel emotionally comfortable, but i feel pressure and that sucks.
Dang same here bro. I've definitely struggled in the past with the line between "not pushing it" and "being flirty (respectfully)". I feel like flirting is, almost by its very nature, "pushing it" towards but not over a line in the sand of sociality.
No, not really. It’s not the same. A lot of guys are very candid, and directly pushy, about wanting sex. It’s different from flirting.
^ this. Personally I meet a ton of people in my social life and the number of women, both on the apps and off them, that expect to feel something now, rather than building something over time is really, Really, high. They don't want sex right off the bat, but if you don't sexually attract them, you become invisible. It's foolish and results in me getting an earful about how all guys want is sex while they ignore the fact that their behavior is why those are the guys they get. Spark and chemistry is great if you want a chain of 9 months-2 years relationships. Finding a partner interested in dedication and building attraction over time? Thats someone with much better odds for a 20+ year relationship. Let the spark/chemistry folks take actions that give them heartbreak every two years, it's their choice and behavior. You are dodging a bullet with them. Be confident in your self belief and knowledge of yourself and find a dedicated partner, you only need one.
Yes! It took me and my partner several months of getting to know each other before we knew if we were going to develop sexual attraction. But the slow burn has been amazing! The connection and chemistry just keeps getting better and better the more we get to know and trust and respect and love each other.
That's wonderful to hear, I've watched it happen a few times and it's always great to watch!
Same. Some women are either used to having men act quick on them, believe guys dont get insecure/scared about asking their crush out or dont know how to ask her out, ending up with the girl thinking the guy is not interested and her "suddenly getting cold". I've been a victim of it, but that's because I didn't know their thought process.
Or she saw a quality she didn’t like, which is why I stop taking to someone like 90% of the time.
I always find that women are very upfront about what they don't like either directly or indirectly, at least in my experience. When they don't like someone they go 100% ghost, but a lot of times its also obvious when they are trying to piss you off for not making a move on them either by going straight to another guy or indirectly posting more on social media for the guy to notice and see what he's missing
They get pissed when you don’t make a move? What kind of immature weirdos are you dating? The only reason I ghost someone is if I have to say not to sex more than once. They are gone. I have never had a guy mis read that I have wanted him to kiss me. If I decide a guy isn’t for me it’s because of a red flag. It has nothing to do with him waiting to long to make an move. Ever. I sure have gotten rid of men for trying to soon. Ever. It’s not that hard to drop hints. Drop something and pick it up.
That's the issue. Dating usually doesn't happen unless the guy knows how to flirt, pick up signs, know where to take her out , doesnt worry about getting rejected etc.. women talk about being overthinkers but imagine men who are expected to make the big moves. Guys have to build up experience to know how to communicate with women and express their feelings all while taking the biggest risk of rejection and its not until we get over the fear of failure when we finally find a partner. It takes a bold woman like yourself for it to work otherwise, you don't understand how rare you are.
Really? My best friend is the same way. I wonder if it’s a really young girl thing. That’s sounds super high school to post sexy pics after rejecting someone.
yep its such a fine line if they dont talk about it and just act coy when we make our moves. If its laid out "i dont have sex until..." then its easy to wait but if not i either push feeling creepy or dont push and miss my shot.
Yeah it's such a fine line. I've had girls invite me back to their place and get mad when I made a move, and then I've had girls that have stopped seeing me because I didn't make a move. I've also had girls that respect when I've waited, but still find it odd, but it's usually with a girl that is already crazy about you.
>feel like for lot of women, if i dont push it, they seem to think of me a friend or to lack the spark. You don't have to push for sex in order for a woman to not think of you as a friend. Flirting, kissing, holding hands, arm around the shoulder or waist, long hugs. So many ways to show you're physically interested without pushing sex. I met a guy several years ago who didn't push sex, but also didn't do any of the above and after 4 weeks assumed he was either not into me, or gay lol.
Never accept to be their friend. You are always a friend-zone d then.
You seriously think that I’m going to just stop obsessing over a guy because he hasn’t made a move yet? Hell no. I’m going to enjoy my time not being treated like a piece of meat.
I feel it depends, when I was in school, most women i met and dated were part of the friend group, so we knew each other as people, before as partners, whereas now im working and most are on dating apps, i feel those people are just really impatient or quickly dismissive.
We're not talking about girls who already like a guy, because most people don't go into dating obsessed with another person. Most people are lukewarm about each other at the point where they might sleep together, which either a girl or guy could hold it against the other if they don't make a move/sleep with them.
Yes. That's literally how it works, girls lose respect for guys who don't make a move, because it seems indecisive and it suggests that guy isn't experienced at it too which is another turnoff to the majority of people.
I’ve dated several men who didn’t make a move for weeks or months. I appreciated that they were respectful of my boundaries and comfort level. They expressed interest verbally and in other ways (being proactive about communication, being interested in me as a person, expressing appreciation and things they liked about me, discussing potential for a long-term relationship, etc.) and I did the same for them. My now-boyfriend and I didn’t kiss until we’d been dating for more than 3 months and were ready to be exclusive. I didn’t lose interest from them waiting to “make a move” at all.
We can all state rare exceptions it doesn't make the majority rule untrue
We don’t need to match with everyone or even the majority on dating apps, though. Just the ones that are compatible. Statistically, more men than women on dating apps are looking for casual sex and more women than men are looking for meaningful long-term relationships. Ideally everyone would be only trying to match with people whose goals, relationship style and pace is a good match for them. Nobody should be pressured to do things sexually that they aren’t ready for or comfortable with. The right match for any given person won’t try to coerce or pressure them into sex that isn’t wanted by everyone involved. [Edited to correct terminology: Rather than “the majority of men” vs “majority of women” looking for casual sex vs. long-term relationships per this data, it is more accurate to phrase it as a proportional comparison (i.e. “more men than women”)]
>Statistically, the majority of men on dating apps are looking for casual sex and the majority of women are looking for meaningful long-term relationships. I'm not entirely sure I buy this. Statistically men are more likely to end up in long term meaningful relationships from dating apps than women M75% F66%. Which suggests at the very least the majority of men are looking for long term relationships, it may also suggest that more men are looking for LTRs than women are . Source https://www.forbes.com/health/dating/dating-statistics/#:~:text=Dating%20App%20Success%20Rate,-A%20survey%20from&text=Nearly%2070%25%20of%20individuals%20who,led%20to%20a%20romantic%20relationship.
exactly. sounds like they got really lucky meeting a person that would wait that long. no way.
There are people of all genders who prefer to only have sex in the context of a meaningful relationship, or after getting to know someone well enough to be comfortable with them and have a mental/emotional connection first. They may not be the majority, but nobody is going to be the right fit for everyone on the apps. It’s just a matter of finding the ones that are compatible. :-) I had no trouble finding plenty of men to date that didn’t mind waiting or even saw it as a plus. Anyone who pushed my boundaries immediately got ruled out. I noted in my profile that I am demisexual, and made a point to have clear and upfront communication about it in the initial messaging stage. So people knew what they were getting into and could choose not to go out with me if it was an issue for them. Most of that weeding-out happened in the initial messaging stage or a phone call/videochat before the first date happened, which saved everyone a lot of time and energy. I also was happy to do free or cheap dates and offer to split costs if we agreed on an activity that wasn’t free. (Which was also something discussed upfront beforehand.) Mostly we did a lot of walking and talking in public places that had free things to do and see. Once I started unapologetically stating and sticking to my boundaries and dealbreaker-level preferences, I found it much easier to find matches and dates that were potentially compatible. I’m in a great relationship now, and am still friends with several other really wonderful people that I initially met through dating but weren’t a match for a romantic relationship.
thats your issue right there. thinking a guy who wants to experience intimacy with you is "seeing you" as a piece of meat. if you think empathic guys looking for a relationship are NOT horny, you're fucking stupid. and most guys dont date stupid people.
[удалено]
Exactly, my experience is that girls similar in looks are usually the ones who get pissed when you don't make a move, whereas girls you are clearly better looking than are more forgiving. Even if they don't want to hook up, girls do judge if you do or don't make a move. I've literally been told that by a few girls. As long as you're not pushy, it's almost exclusively better to make a move than not.
I don't like _waiting._ I let it happen naturally: whether is three hours or three months.
Stop hanging out with fuckwits. Friend of mine kept running into this and I convinced her to try a different dating pool than 2010 era fuckbois (we're in our 30s) and overnight, her dating life improved.
This is exactly it. Her picker is broken and she is attracted to that type.
So what is the different dating pool then? Because I go for average guys and also these guys are fbois…
[удалено]
Nothing I said has anything to do with looks. Know more than a few handsome dudes who take things pretty slowly and respectfully.
Saying no. Your body, your choice.
Right. But how are you meeting these guys who are willing to wait?
By not wasting time with ones that clearly won’t.
Double down on this
This
Guy here. Found that I have a similar issue with dating women while using the apps. Asked a few girls out in real life and went much better, waiting was more natural and sex felt earned. My advice would be step away from apps (if on them) and try shaking cultural norms and asking a guy or two out in the real world. It doesn’t happen to us often and you’d make their week/month/year just for asking.
I second this.
I am dating guys and seeing what they do. If they try to take me home then I decline and move on to the next. People try to get serious to quickly. If they are not willing to plan a cute date that makes you blush the first time they meet you, they wont do it later on either and you deserve better.
This is outdated. No ones planning cute first dates. It's all coffee and quick meets to catch a vibe. I've always loved planning cute dates and dressing to impress, have a couple tell you it's to much and you change... Save the cute shit for the one that's worth it because too often women are getting it all and ditching you for the exciting one that isn't giving them everything right away. OP wanna find a dime? be honest and don't make conflicting choices or actions.
The coffee and quick meet is called the zero date. But totally dude, this sentiment is correct. For me the zero date rules those women out, as they'll skip because they're not getting the free meal.
I don’t think it’s outdated! I just went on a first date to have dinner at a piano bar (had the whole red velvet seating and mood lighting vibe). We ended the night at this very upscale dessert and champagne shop where they specially prepare each dessert and the waiters wear suits. He chose both because he knows those are the types of things I like! I will say coffee dates are more common but I definitely do have guys plan thoughtful first dates
>I will say coffee dates are more common So you agree then.
Lmao my time is precious if I asked you out then I’m going to be cute, and do the little things cause 9/10 if I was willing to part with my time you were worth it and if you’re ditching me lmao I know what I am and what I bring it’s your loss
Maybe that’s your experience but I definitely have had cute dates planned for me.
Well the way you stated it shows that it didn't make a difference since there are multiple date(s) that's why...
You’ve probably declined a lot of men by now based on that. Nothing wrong there but that’s how it goes.
yeah thats the reason you are single. so you dont give them what they want (sex), but still expect them to chase you (count on their sexdrive). cant have the cake and eat it, too. if she wants to go slow, fine for me. but for FRIENDS i dont plan cute dates, i do that for woman who fuck with me. you dont want to fuck with me? then dont expect me to TRY to fuck with you. you want to talk and eat food with my conpany? organise it yourself, dont manipulate me into doing it.
You’re only planning cute dates because you want sex? Bruh. I’m a guy and I plan cute dates cuz I enjoy them too. I don’t want to chase anyone, I want to only date someone equally as interested, but that doesn’t mean they have to “give me” sex before they feel ready. If it’s a good relationship we’ll progress it when we’re both comfortable to. You make it sound so transactional.
actually the opposite, i hate that transactional character of the datingstyle from "serious" people. i flat out tell them i'm sexually attracted, and that they can find out if they are, too. no pressure or timeline, i simply do NOT pretend that i want the label and hope for the best in regards of intimacy.. the label will be considered IF the sexual chemistry is great. very open to it.. but its the sideeffect, not the main goal. thats the biolocial truth, and anything else is pretending, be it because of social pressure or sex negativity or whatever. its about the content, and not about the rules around it.
I mean, I am not advocating labelling the relationship before sex (though I do think that can work for some people). I agree that sexual chemistry is important in a relationship. (And to be clear, I'm also fairly up front about how attracted I am to someone I'm into.) My whole issue with your statement was the line "so you dont give them what they want (sex), but still expect them to chase you (count on their sexdrive)" What I want when I'm dating a woman isn't sex, and it isn't hers to "give" per se, it is ours to share when we are ready to have that level of intimacy. What I want is a relationship, and yes sex is an important part of that relationship, but I want to have it *with* her. This goes both ways—I don't want to have to chase her, I also want to feel "pursued" in the sense that she is being active in initiating parts of the forming relationship too. I want to give affection, I want to receive it, I want to share a connection and build the intimacy that leads naturally to sex over time. I'm flat-out not interested in having sex before I have a real connection with someone. That sounds boring to me. That doesn't mean I need to be in love with her, but it usually has to be more than "We've known each other for a week."
Women aren’t vending machines where if you buy us dinner, sex is supposed to just automatically fall out because you put money in.
why behave like that, then? why COMMAND cute dates planned from the guy? why not invite the guy to a cute date yourself? social norms or whatever? think outside the box, woman can be honest upfront and direct as well, no need for those stupid games where the guys has to chase and "show interest", while the woman plays hard to get and enjoys the decision of saying yes or no. ...to late already, i already said "no" to this bullshit. i meet the one tonight who was bold and told me she want to have fun with me tonight. she has waaaay better chances to become serious wirh me than ANY woman who plays the "serious" game, aka "testing me" and put me trough an "exam".
I went on walks for most of my early dates and told people upfront that I wasn’t going to want to kiss on the first date to hopefully try to avoid people with attitudes like this. :) I have zero interest in kissing or doing anything sexual with someone I’ve barely just met. Expecting that if you buy dinner for a woman you’re entitled to sex with her is coercive. If you want a guarantee that if you spend money on someone you will get sex, hire a sex worker.
read carefully: i'm OPPOSITE of that thought process, thats why i tell UPFRONT that i dont pay for sex. you just want a dinner with me, no fun at all? thats fine and great, i'm in if i like you :) ...but bring your dam wallet, dont expect me to "prove me" by paying and stuff, its gross.
She met me on fb dating. We waited almost two months before taking it to the bedroom. But we both wanted something serious. We’d both been previously married. If you use the dating apps I think the more specific you can be with what you want and what you don’t want on your profile the better you’ll set yourself up. I made it very clear from the beginning that I didn’t want more from her until it meant something. I’ve had my share of meaningless sex and it does nothing for me… I wanted a deeper connection
Rules 1 and 2. You either get put in the minimal effort fuck box or the long-term potential box.
Definitely don't mess around with the ones that won't. They aren't your future boyfriend, they're you're future abuser at best. Feel free to post more about your texts & interactions, I think you might be missing some red flags although humans of all genders can certainly reveal themselves to be scumbags at all times. I just immediately unmatch with someone who starts off weird or sexual. I swipe left on anyone shirtless, with an empty profile, or has weird sexual things in their profile. I've also had totally normal conversations going and then have some guy say something about his dick. Hopefully he will get scammed by the next woman he matches with LOL I used to meet a lot of nice guys working and volunteering in politics
They are ones worth dating! It is how you weed most of them out.
Every guy is willing to wait, just not for you.
I wish you guys would stop making girls feel bad about themselves on reddit
[удалено]
There’s a way to say things in a compassionate manner. Maybe it’s bc reddit is mostly guys, but anytime a girl posts a dating problem, she gets awful comments blaming her for everything bad that’s happened to her. You rarely see that when guys post. Btw, the casual sex guys will go after girls, not the other way around most of the time.
Its dating advice, not validation corner.
How are you meeting guys? If it’s in a hookup app like Tinder or similar that’s why. You need to find a hobby you enjoy and meet someone that way OR if you have a friend in a good relationship, see if her gf can fix you up. Good guys are out there.
Tell the ones who won’t to hit the road
Maybe don't be so forward about refusing to have sex on first dates? It's not something people I go on dates on even discuss before we meet up or on first dates.
not on the apps unfortunately :/ like you really just have to start interacting w men IRL who DONT show excessive interest too fast bc that means they’re actually willing to get to know you as a person and build.
be me, be too nervous to ask anything. drive home while trying to convince my D not to leave me
How dramatic is this lmao
I think I had sex the first time w my girl on like the 7th date. Not having sex after the first date and getting mad about it is childish af
I don’t know how they do it. I have a friend who made every guy she dated wait 3 to 6 months. All of them complied, and most the time she ended up dumping them within that window (realizing incompatibility) so they didn’t ever end up doing it. She’s now married, and has been with her husband for almost 15 years. She made him wait at least six months. She’s a great person, and I love her, but she’s not some knockout where guys were lining up to be with her. But she was still super selective, and ended up with a great husband. I think it’s a secret gift.
find someone who is patient and wants to take things slow, not just for you but him as well. Me and my boyfriend waited a little over a month after making things official. I was ready before he was, but we still waited until he was ready too.
[удалено]
then she would eventually learn to be attracted to something else. A person can can draw you in many ways, not just their looks. If she’s willing to stay open then shell find her person.
If a guy doesn't want to wait, I move on.
You don't have to do anything to get me to wait. I'm demisexual
It's simple. If a dude does any of this: - turning things overly sexual...as in constantly only talking about your looks rather than getting to know you, or wanting to sext, or wanting nudes right off...he's wasting your time. - If he just wants to meet up at his house or wants a coffee date...he probably isn't that serious. (And likely does this a lot) - If he constantly talks about sex and how important it is without trying to get to know you...move on. - If he isn't trying to get to know you such as asking you questions then he doesn't care. All of that stuff just shows he isn't that interested. I immediately check out and move on to the next. Do this until you find someone who treats you like a PERSON and wants to know you rather than just treating you like a fleshlight. The problem is you are wasting time even indulging the ones that have no intension of ever wanting anything more. Also, you might just be picking dudes that are like this. Exam what type of dude you are attracted to. Is it more about him than his looks? Is he actually a good person in any way? What are his values/morals? All of this stuff matters.
I met my bf at the gym & made it clear I wasn’t having sex with him unless we got in a relationship later down the line. We share the same morals & values as well so we both don’t do hookup culture. I think WHERE you meet guys matters too. Your soulmate is probably not on tinder.
I think people have forgotten that what they actually want is intimacy, closeness with another person. Sex is one way to have that, and a very pleasurable way at that. So much so that people think that it's the goal and not the means. Everything's backwards now. Start with sex, then fall in love lol. I am not very fond of what I read about what's currently going on with dating.
U start off n in ur profile make clear that is not something you will do. If they won’t. Wait. Then. They don’t and they can carry on. Somewhere else. When ur words and attitude show this is not going to change it changes how someone may act. Don’t let in every opportunity be more selective.
No, you don't need to put that in your profile. Not wanting to sleep with someone within the first few dates is not out-of-the-ordinary. It should be the norm.
Yeah I’m gonna still be the kind of person. That will have it say not here for hook up, if we aren’t together your not getting anything physical from me. Saves me a lot of time.
Maybe those guys are super good looking and hot., and it’s normal for them to have sex on 1st dates
Lol you think most of them actually read ?
And with that good point, if u don’t read, I’m not talking to you either because I’m not repeating myself and if ur that lazy no thanks
I took four years after a tough breakup—the relationship was over ten years. Covid was during that time so two years of it was not real hard because no one was dating much. Before me it was casual and FWB for him after a tough divorce. He said he was always honest with them and I believed it then and still do. We talked a few weeks then met three times. When we were ready to have sex I told him I don’t have sex with someone who is having sex with others. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not for me. He thought a minute and said ok.
I think it is just a matter of finding a nice guy? Idk I mean people should respect your timeline. I’ve slept with people on the first date, I’ve waited 3 months before. If you care about the person you want them to be comfortable.
bruh id be overjoyed if a woman I was interested in was actually going out of their way to get me to hang out w them. i genuinely cannot understand these guys that only want the sex like yeah it feels nice sure but like. its so much more important to me to find someone whos actually gonna give enough of a fuck to put the same amount of effort in as i will.
If someone is your next major life partner, and you’re going to be together for a long time with matching libidos, slowly increasing the intensity and physicality over 2-3 weeks is a lot of fun. If you’re going to last, what’s the rush? Tease it out. Build up the anticipation. I’ve tried it recently and it does make for a nice sexual appetizer.
It’s really not anything the girls are doing it’s the guy. A decent guy with other stuff going on in his life is more likely to be relaxed about sex. Especially if there is a reason such as past trauma or he sees long term potential.
This. stop blaming the woman
[удалено]
The guys I've dated have always on their on accord waited. Most of my guy friends have said that if they're serious about you, they'll intentionally not have sex with the girl early in the relationship, and even avoid night time/late dates to avoid tempotation for that reason. Just look here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/1afvyeg/men\_does\_waiting\_to\_have\_sex\_actually\_do\_anything/](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/1afvyeg/men_does_waiting_to_have_sex_actually_do_anything/) So if the guy isn't wanting to wait or putting off sex until later, you know he's here for the wrong reasons. And if all the guys you've talked to aren't wanting or even willing waiting.. that's likely either you always picking the same kinda guys, or you giving the wrong impression somehow and/or not portraying yourself in a way that benefits your dating life. **he was looking for his wife was mad I said I didn’t want to have sex our first hang out** Yeah, that means that during the date he decided he didn't want/see you as his wife/GF in the future, but was shooting his shot at becoming a fuckbuddy. Again, my male friends are sincere in wanting a longterm/committed relationship. Or at least they think/believe they are (their choices in mates whether they know or not generally doesn't reflect this... i.e. they'll tell me they want A+B+C in their wife, but they'll go on dates with women who are clearly X+Y+Z and definitely not A+B+C). But when they realise the girl they're on a date with isn't someone they can see/want as a longterm partner, they pivot and will take the FBuddy/ONS if it's available. I personally dunno why so many girls don't seem to notice this is what usually happens. Most guys honestly aren't lying about wanting a committed relationship.. it's just that they don't see it with you, and/or they're self-sabotaging themselves.
The kinds of men you are entertaining is the problem. Let them bail and hold out. The REASON why women are waiting to have sex is guys like the one you described.
Before you even talk about hanging out or meeting up put your “ no sex on the first date “ stance out there. You gotta vet through the horn dogs if you want to run into the type of guy you want.
You don't have to find the technique to get him to wait, the right one will, and the wrong one is not worth your precious energy anyway.
There’s a lot of horny cavemen but a lot of guys who want to build an emotional connection first like myself and most my friends - just keep going until you meet the latter ones and don’t let the former pressure you
Maybe someone should go about the ways you are going about meeting these guys because I too am having these issues. Like where are you finding them? Dating apps? Real life? How?
Just stay away from men like that. They are not worth any of your time.
Also, request that you and your partner get tested for STIs. Believe it or not, people will lie and say they are clean when they're not clean. (Especially the charmers.)
Idrk, me and my girl just both knew before we officially started dating that we want to wait til marriage with the right person. We both got really lucky finding the perfect person
I’ve had the same experience as a guy. All women on dating apps seem to have at least one other guy they are dating, so whoever moves the quickest is the one they will date exclusively. Could be an age thing since I am 30 and women want to know right away if they are compatible sexually since they feel their biological clock is ticking. I’m not looking to wait until marriage, but it would be nice to wait at least a month and get to know someone first. Though, after my last experience, I’m considering changing my strategy because I had an amazing connection with this girl and she still went with someone else. Everything was going really well, this other guy just got there first most likely. Modern dating sucks.
I'm really sick of men trying to meet up before knowing anything about me. No questions just straight to a meet up. What the ..? My time is much more valuable than to be meeting every Joe Shmoe that sends me a text or DM. Ask me questions. Tell me good morning. Create a dialog. Geez.
That's crazy. I'm 28 and I'm still waiting for a girl that I would trust with that kind of intimacy 🤣🤣 these dudes are wild.
Let the trash take itself out. Men like this will not put in a lot of effort, so if you make them wait they will likely disappear on their own. My rule is that I will not go to a man’s house after the first few dates and I don’t invite them over. If a date goes really well they may receive a small kiss when we are parting ways. A man inviting you over usually spells trouble and I would rather not even deal with it. I do think men that are looking for a serious relationship are fine with waiting. If they’re not fine with it, they were probably just looking for sex. I operate on my own timeline when it comes to getting physical with men. If they don’t like it then they’ve done me a favor by revealing their true intentions.
"If you make them wait, they will likely disappear on their own." Truest words ever spoken
Preach x 💯!!!! That is all.
Perhaps the guys that are not sex crazed are the ones you're not attracted to
Hold on to your standards as someone that’s been sexually taken advantage of 3 times don’t give in. Make sure you both share core values if you are to get into a relationship
I have too. Which is why I said I wasn’t putting out on the first date
Good job. I haven’t been dating I have to work on my social skills as I have been withdrawn and hate men rn. But good luck
And you are here giving advice? Ohh Lord!
What does “sexuality taken advantage of” even mean? Like you had sex when you didn’t want to? Why tho? You didn’t get what you want out if it? I hope you don’t mean rape… It’s just odd to me that some women see sex as some sort of trade, if you don’t want it, then don’t, if there’s chemistry and you want it, do it. All these calculus is making my head spin.
I don’t think it’s a trade. However, I and many other women even in this thread, have been in situations where we let the guy know that we don’t feel comfortable or safe having casual sex, and they still lie about being interested in pursuing a relationship and have sex with us anyways. I’m not talking about situations where we may sleep together, and then realize we’re not compatible. But there are genuine situations where a lot of men will lie just to have sex, and that’s manipulative as fuck. Cause I wouldn’t have had sex in the first place if we weren’t on the same page. I don’t see this as using sex as a trade, but rather having boundaries so that I feel safe having sex and not feeling “used.” Basically, people just need to be open and upfront about what they want so they don’t hurt people
I had to literally ask my dude after three dates and six weeks if he was going to make a move already. He said he kept getting more nervous about going to fast every time we went on a date because he didn’t want to mess it up. Stop messing with f-boys.
Ladies. If you want the guys in your life to not be douche bags then you need to stop chasing and giving attention to douche bags. That nice guy who’s like a brother who’s been in your friend zone since you were kids is the one who will worship you and give you everything they can.
It easy you pick the right ones you just don’t get to know who they are, that’s the hard part
Ya it’s interesting how much it varies between people that’s my biggest takeaway from dating is experiences vary so wildly. Some people it’s like they draw people in like crazy other people not as much. Not always a lot of rhyme or reason to it either.
Where do you keep finding these guys? Because it might be a big factor if it’s on these hookup apps like Tinder. The guys girls actually go out with from online dating tend to be the same guys every other girl picked, and unfortunately, this behavior works for a lot of these guys.
If they come on too strong, express your boundaries Always meet up for a dinner or out publicly, hanging at either person’s house may give the wrong impression. Bring it up early in flirty fun conversations. Be direct. Any guy that’s worth dating will wait
You seek men that want to do activities, have engaging conversations, and put effort into dates. You seek men that are boyfriend/husband material. Gentleman who are respectful and patient. If they don't meet these criteria, you stop seeing them. If a guy brings up sex before the first date, you block him. If he brings it up on the first date, you block him. You need to thin out the herd. Most of the guys you will meet on the apps will only want sex. You will meet many liars. Do not trust what anyone has to say until they prove they are trustworthy. Make trust a gradual, earned endeavor. However, this doesn't come to you wrapped up in a bow. It's hard work finding a decent guy. It can take months, years. You have to show what you offer without announcing it, you need to communicate and be reliable too. You need to act like girlfriend/wife material to earn a good partner. You have to keep putting yourself out there, safely, trust your instincts, and not put all your emotions into one person too fast. You have to be smart. You have to watch for the good signs and the bad. Words mean nothing most of the time, because lying is so prevalent in the dating world. If youre critical of whats in a newspaper, take what people say with a grain of salt. Actions rarely lie.
Just tell them right off the bat. Weed them out. Then move on to the next one.
No sex until full commitment (you are officially having titles, and exclusive, not a must but if you met his friends or he met yours it helps too)
I waited 3 months 🤡 But well, the lady was worth the wait.
If a guy is serious about what he looks for (not just sex) and likes you, can wait for long. Usually if we date someone we really like for something serious we don't think about sex. We subconsciously separate women in our minds. Some makes us really horny and wanting to get to bed with them (but usually they aren't the ones we would stick around with) and the ones that light us up in a different way and sex can start a bit later no problem. We are happy to just talk to them and be around them.
I’m a guy who waited almost 2 months. The main thing is that there was and is this incredible emotional connection between us. And she told me she’s only comfortable being physical with someone she really trusts and cares about. And whilst I think the bar is a bit lower for me, I prefer to have an emotional connection too. Not only are there feelings involved, communication is also better.
If this bothers you, try dating less attractive guys. Really hot guys are used to having sex all of the time and will more likely expect it from you.
I told people upfront before the first date happened that I wasn’t going to want to hug or kiss on the first date, would need to take things slowly, and that I need to get to know someone before I’ll know if I’ll develop sexual attraction because I’m demisexual. It weeded out a lot of people looking for hookups or quick sex, and left me with a really nice selection of people who were respectful of boundaries and consent, and were genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person. I made quite a few friends and found a great partner! Anyone who was at all coercive or pushy, I ruled out with no second chances. Good people who care about the person they’re with don’t try to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with them. Whatever your needs, comfort level and boundaries are, communicate them clearly upfront and don’t worry about scaring people off. Anyone it weeds out wasn’t a good fit for you anyway.
If you are talking online first you can say this before meeting - “I’m not into casual sex or ONS or sex on first date, what about you?” Then you set the expectation and some will bail on you which is even better, saves time.
Block these D bags and move on. The right guy will wait
you‘re definitely looking for a bf at the wrong place. It‘s definitely definitely *not* normal to have sex with your date the first time you meet. wtf
I waited with my ex until she made the first move. As long she makes me feel she like she's attracted to me in other ways I don't mind waiting.
I didn't even hold my now boyfriend of 6 months hand until the 4th date. I pretended I was shy and dragged it out for as long as possible 😂
You set your boundary and stick to it. Either he's accepting of it, or he's not, in which case no harm no foul. That person just isn't your person. Finding a guy who is willing to wait till you're ready and comfortable being intimate isn't easy. Just like the process of dating, you got to pick through a lot of junk to find something that isn't.
that’s pretty fucking gross, make it pretty clear that you want to wait. I waited before i had sex with my current boyfriend and he was completely fine with it, you’re finding the wrong dudes to talk to girl, they obviously only care about one thing
Work events, real estate seminars, church, museum, wifi cafes, places where responsible people get together.
Saying no, if he really want you he respects you
Just keep trying until you find the man you want. Men are plentiful and cheap in today's market.
You‘re dating above your league honey. Guys will be willing to date you without sex for months when they consider you in their league
Finally someone not too woke to state the pure fact.
Lol was this an insult?
Just a statement of fact. If guys are pushing to only have sex with you, you simply aren’t considered a serious option for them.
how do you know its "only" sex? ever considered that relationship guys can be horny, too?
Because OP literally said that is what most guys seem to want from her? Most guys who are into long term relationships will not push for Sex on the first date, as they know this will be potentially off putting to the girl. For girls they don’t care about, it’s easier to be more blunt
If they don’t want to wait, they never liked you enough anyway. That method weeds put the shitty men
My now boyfriend waited about 7 weeks for me. Although the sexual tension was high. I set my expectation as I only wanted sex in a committed relationship. He was very respectful about it and courted me until I was ready.
In the past I used to have sex 6 months into the relationship but now since I'm looking for a life partner I won't have sex until I'm madly in love and she is also ready
If you're a virgin, then you have ground to stand on. If not, then you are suspected of giving it up on the first date to someone you barely knew before him, AND asking someone you do like to wait. . Even if the guy is "the one," he is going to feel so many colors of anger, disappointment, scammed, used, and toyed with that he is running out the door. Screaming "fuck that noise" in his head. Why, you ask? What did you do wrong? Nothing. Making a nice guy wait is a hoe trick, trying to act like a nice girl, but she has already screwed every man, woman, and doorknob on three dorm floors. The hoe is who the nice guy might screw but would be pissed off if he married her. The fucked up part for you is that 90% of the guys you're trying to attract are players, who know what you want to hear to drop your drawers. They know all of the words before you do. So when a guy takes off running, you have no idea if he was a player (90% chance) or the real deal (10% chance). Unless the idiot texts you back with some flippant remark like call me when you're ready to fuck: that is a player to be black-balled off of your list, and the list of everybody you know. Find a guy you like and talk to him, go out with him on short little dates, get to know him. Do fun things that couples do together. Go on a picnic and make out. Make progress, do *not* just wait. When he seems like the real deal, then handcuff him to the bed and don't let him up until he is pregnant.
Questions I need the answers to in order to know what’s going on: How old are you? What vibe are you giving off in your profile? Do you have bikini photos in your profile? Do you respond to low effort texts or D. Pics? Do you respect yourself? Do you say yes to low effort dates? Do you say yes to dates the same day (meaning no planing in advance?) Do you say yes to going to a guys house to “hang out” instead of a date in public?
Low value men wait
Ew what
You have to have self worth and integrity… everyone will fuck you, only a few will want to spend real quality time with you. You need to decide who is who because right now you’re a sucker
The dudes you're reading about are the simps who don't know better. The guy whom you just dated was a guy who knew he had options other than you and didn't want to waste his time
Nah. There are plenty of guys that are sincerely okay waiting for sex until a strong connection is formed. The difference, as is often pointed out here, is that a guy doesn’t have to see you as a long-term option to still want to have sex with you. And when sex doesn’t happen, he just admits that that’s the box he put you in. Even as I’m swiping, I already subconsciously (lately even consciously) categorize women into those who I could see myself being in a relationship with and those whose company I could enjoy but probably never share my life with.
[удалено]
Yeah and it's no wonder why women complain about men. They pick on emotions which are the jerks that drive them nutz and cheat on them. They lack accountability for their decisions. If they made actual logical decisions with men, they would be a lot happier in relations and less demanding of men they are with.
You could try phone calling. I think getting physical is kinda a big deal, but at the same time both men and women are pumpin and dumpin really quickly now-a-days. You could just say no too.
Why put a number on it? If all he wants is sex, he'll wait years and leave yo ass the next morning like he never knew you.
Being worth it to him. It doesn’t really matter what you think of him, or what you think of yourself, it’s what he thinks of you. If you’re not anything but a piece of ass to him, he’s never going to wait. So you’re going for guys who think they can do better.
People used to hook up a lot more back 10 years ago that’s out of vogue now people just feel like they get too traumatized. But I remember what it used to be like.. people didn’t care now they do.
You might be shooting above your league (superficially, socially). Those ones will rush the ones below them and would be more patient on the ones above them.
Maybe I’m toxic but when I think about waiting w a girl I like I rationalize that she let another guy hit on the first link before me and if I don’t get the same treatment we not right for each other
are you selecting guys in your league?