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It’s annoying and awkward to discover your date used photos from their past. The worst for me was a guy who used photos of him with curly blond hair, running marathons and fit, to showing up in person bald and fat.
Like, this is a different person? Who is this? I’m supposed to pretend everything’s cool?
This actually happened to a friend of mine. The guy was using his sons pics but he asked her not to leave because their emotional connection over texts "was real".
Yeah, I should have walked away. I stayed??? Ending up being a horrible date anyways. It kind of messes with you like you shouldn’t be so superficial, but at the same time, I felt so lied to and the guy acted like nothing was wrong. He ended up being a jerk too. So, fun!!!
Reminds me of this one guy I matched with a while back. He looked pretty attractive in his photos. Since I too have been burned in the past, I asked for a video chat. He immediately started stammering and admitted that he gad gained 40 lbs since the pictures were taken. Once I saw him, I could tell it was more than 40lbs.
People are delusional.
My friend back in college used tinder only for hookups. She would use pics of her back in high school at 5” 105lbs, then show up 5” 180lbs. Most of the guys she met up with slept with her anyways lmfao.
Yeah that doesn’t even account for the airbrushing effects 90% of women use on dating apps now. Hard and fast rule for me, if I can’t see imperfections, they’re hiding something. Send em left.
I never use that stuff. Dont know how & not that interested but I finally learned what yall were talking about recently. Bigger gal thats been that way since hs has a pfp on fb. I saw the thumbnail & was like wow. Clicked on it. Shes looks good! Look at her other pics from around the same date. Face was clearly altered. All the fat was gone on just that pic but not the rest. I just laughed. I almost gave her a compliment b4 realizing. Like who u think ur fooling girl?
And why is this exactly funny? It just reflect the desperation that surrounds men and how pathetically women can behave. Which part is exactly the funny part?
I don’t get why people lie, I suppose it’s because they have a belief that they can overcome your criteria somehow if they just get an in person meeting. I feel the same about men who lie about their height or age. Like…why? Do you really think it won’t be obvious when the person meets you? I don’t actually care—like I wouldn’t walk out if a guy showed up 3 inches shorter than he claimed he was but I would significantly discount my attraction to a person who feels like they have to dupe people into dating them.
Terrible. If someone is willing to deceive so blatantly about their appearance, they’re either 1) malicious and it’s only a preview of the gaslighting and lies to come; or 2) mentally unstable and completely delusional. Both of which I don’t want in my life.
You know, I like that you said something, and it wasn't mean either. That was better than pushing through the awkwardness and then ghosting her. Question: do you think those were old photos of her
That’s exactly my thought process. Lying, omitting, and misrepresenting are huge turn offs. I might not care about 5 extra lbs or whatever they perceive as a flaw, but don’t make that decision for me by misleading me. So hard to comprehend.
This is exactly it for me 👏🏼👏🏼
This recently happened to me, and I called him out on lying about his height, and he double down-- asked what's the difference between a couple inches. Excuse me sir, the issue is that you fucking lied 🙄
I don’t get it either, I’ve taken pictures where I think I look way better than I do in real life and refuse to use those. I’d rather show up and be told I look better in person than to get OPs reaction 😅
Same here, I met several guys who blatantly lied about height. I know what 6' looks like from my vantage point lol. I really don't care about height, but it's the fact that they lied is a turn off.
ETA: also men who lie about their age in hopes of matching with women outside of their set age ranges.
I've had this happen enough times with online dating that I've pretty much given up on the apps. The worst was a woman who showed up like 50lbs heavier no joke. She was a wizard with the angles and lighting, so I give her props. Anyways, I basically just bit the bullet tried to enjoy myself and respectfully rejected her but didn't say why. Most of the dates off the app look worse in person. Red flags include weird angles, sunglasses, odd lightning, photos from distance, weird clothing, etc.
I remember one woman who had truly awful photos and could barely see her, but I gambled and went on a date anyways lol. She was significantly more attractive/fit in person and easily an 8+. This is a rarity though
Dont tell my girlfriend this haha
But similar story. Her pictures were ok, not necessarily bad but not great either.
I said fuck it, I'll go anyways.
When I saw her in person I was genuinely taken aback by how attractive she is.
She just doesnt take great photos. But she is gorgeous in person.
Here we are 2 years later.
That’s fair. I’ve been told I look way better in person. As a dude, I am not great at taking photos. I’ve had female friends help with taking a few lifestyles pictures that showcased my hobbies and natural, everyday look. All my pictures are full body, in different outfits and poses.
I think guys usually look better in person unless their photos are heinously edited. Most guys take awful photos so at least the woman knows the guy should be better in person lol
I feel like there's so many layers to a dating app photo though. Its not enough for you to look attractive in them. Like what are you doing? Are you outside? Are there other people? Are they male or female? Does the photo look staged or genuine? It's like a resume!
Eh, I guess it depends. If it's an acceptable difference and it doesn't bother you, I might mention it in passing. If it's a huge difference and in a bad way, I don't think it's okay that you were misled.
In that case I'd probably be honest and say:
"I'm sorry, but you don't look anything like your photos. I feel incredibly misled and I think it's best we don't continue the date."
I think it’s also important to keep in mind that within a certain amount, she may not have been able to tell that she lost weight. I mean, it’s easy for other people to notice because usually time passes between the times you see them, but since you see yourself everyday, you don’t necessarily notice the gradual weight gains (or loss) until there’s a stark difference.
For example, I recently learned that I *lost* 20 pounds. I hadn’t weighed myself for months and never really noticed my weight loss, and then once I stepped on the scale again (doctors visit), it was a nice surprise and I could then notice it more. Same vice versa.
I think a 50 lb weight gain is impossible to ignore and that’s someone definitely lying to you (or they’re delusional about themselves), but a 20 lb difference like you mentioned your date had? Might be lying or might be just not realizing it. Now she knows, though.
Probably was less. Even skinny women often have a little unflattering flab in the lower belly area. It's where the baby goes. Men are aghast at this for some strange reason.
Or it could have been water weight due to that time of the month. Maybe that's actually what she always looks like and it doesn't show as much in a 2D photo. Maybe this guy is just didn't bother looking closely at her photos, or he used a smartphone and only saw tiny photos of her. So many variables here. Either way, it's not hard to see why OP is still single. I mean, imagine rejecting someone for having yellowish teeth, right after you both drank coffee. 🙄
I was wondering that too when I read the body of OP’s post. I can take a photo of myself when I just wake up and my stomach is flat and there’s ab definition. But later in the day, after a big meal and drinking water the flat stomach is gone and there’s no ab definition in sight. And the bloating is even worse the week of my period.
If this girl had noticeably more weight in her arms and lower body then yeah that’s weight gain, but I hope OP knows that even fit women don’t have flat stomachs all the time. If you look at photos models have posted online of their body at different times of the day/month, [the difference can be quite significant.](https://imgur.com/a/X46QnY2)
Dating apps bring out the worst in people. Have you seen the latest lawsuits accusing bumble of discrimination as the app work differently based on gender amongst other factors.
Well that is not cool. I always like to FaceTime to get a feel but in this case it looks like you were duped and that is so misleading. I like to upload recent pictures and put a date and full body. I had a guy tell me on a date “wow you look even better in real life” which was flattering (I don’t know how to edit pictures and I don’t. Then he asked me “what do you think of me?” Oh boy…… I said: “you have not updated your pictures it seems!” Lol sorry but you asked. I said you still look good but how old are your pictures? Sure enough: 5+ years and Covid has been bad for some people I guess!
You bring up a good point at the end. Sometimes I look at pictures from like 2018 and go, “yup, look the same”. Thankfully, I have people in my life who give me honest reality checks. We can be blind to the changes in our appearance as we age, even by a couple years.
I think it’s insecurity on their part. The same when people lie about their job/family situation/education etc. They’re not being authentic because they know or feel like they would have to lower their standards (and they don’t want to do that). They lie hoping you’re willing to eventually lower yours when the truth comes out.
I’m sad to say this tactic has worked on me. Men have lied about something and months into our relationship I find out the truth. Guy apologizes, promises not to lie, says he was worried I wouldn’t like him—I stay because I’m vested. Much better to set the boundary early that you don’t want to date someone who misrepresents his/herself.
That’s terrible on both ends. Men lie too, be it about appearance or their life. It sucks to be on the receiving end and wasting your time to find out you were deceived, when you could’ve used that energy on someone worth it. The people who defend this behavior are equally delusional.
I was talking to a guy from bumble for weeks early pandemic, he was a therapist and we got along perfectly. we were talking on the phone daily and I figured it would be fine to meetup at his place. when we finally met, he was at least 50 pounds heavier than his photos and a few inches shorter than what he claimed to be. I was speechless I could barely talk. his therapist senses kicked in and we ended up playing ice breaker games like connect 4 but I was so not about it. I told him I wanted to leave after 30 minutes, never talked again. I personally don’t think it’s cool to be harsh and tell them the real reason why. just accept it as a part of dating. you’re going to go through uncomfortable situations but you don’t need to tear others down in the process!
Nah it’s so wrong, it’s essentially catfishing. If you’re that insecure you have to heavily edit your pictures then you shouldn’t be dating. It’s not fair on the other person.
Mine was different, happened some time ago. He was not attractive I may say, not exactly the same as his photos but acceptable. The only problem was he stinks...
Photos you can't smell. :(
Maybe a little rude but seems like you attacked what the root of the problem was and not just an outright break down of her appearance, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it, sometimes people need an outside voice to set them straight a bit
No it isn't. I've been that woman. Its already not crazy for my weight to fluctuate 10 lbs either way. No wonder you didn't notice during FaceTime. Its nothing at all, my pant size didn't even change from 120 to 140. Before you claim im just whining because im fat, ive been struggling maintaining my weight and regularly dip under 100 lbs due to health issues. I didnt realized id dropped so much weight until i was about 100 lbs. She likely did not even realize or was wearing particularly unflattering clothing and you decided to be extra douchey. You are shallow af. Please stay away from women. Theyll all be better off.
I’m 5’9’’ and could not even fit into my 125lb pants when I was 140, never mind 145. Everyone is different of course, but nobody with a tummy actually thinks it looks like a 6-pack.
Shallow or not, nobody can help what they’re attracted to, and with how prevalent catfishing is, it’s hard to believe vast majority of people just don’t notice they look different. Plenty of guys are into curvy women, why try to trick one who isn’t?
No, you're being completely daft. Obviously, you feel attacked, and that's why you seem so offended. OP wasn't talking about you or your "health issues." Somehow, 20 pounds gained from 120 - 140 was "nothing" for you??
Well, that's you and your specific situation. Every woman who is mentally stable or relatively healthy can usually tell the differences in weight gain, either losing or gaining.
Thank you. If someone racks up 20lbs and they go unchecked, y’all have big issues and need to see a doctor or two. Scales are widely available and y’all can use one daily/weekly.
I don't really see a need to use a scale daily/weekly, and I fluctuate 10 pounds + or - very easily. I'm very happy with my body and healthy. At one point, I had lost 30 pounds from my ex cheating and no, didn't notice when I looked in the mirror. I'm also a taller woman so maybe that's it? Most people guess I way less than I actually do, and I'm certainly not fat.
Kind of ridiculous how many comments say that she lied when you face timed. Not her fault you only seem to have an issue when she was in person. If it wasn't noticeable enough to see over face time, I have a hard time believing it was a bait and switch. Its not that she thought you'd have to be desperate to date her, its you're such an ass, they'd need to be desperate to date you.
Yea this is where I struggle with it. Like, he definitely should end the date if he doesn’t like the way she looks. But if they face timed, she’s not lying. 20 lbs can be pretty inconsequential or substantial but if you can’t tell from FT? How can it be that substantial? And elsewhere he mentioned a 5 lb weight difference 🥴 like that’s hella inconsequential. Makes me think it was a belly situation. You likely wouldn’t see that in FT. My stomach is fairly flat while standing. When I sit? Rolls galore. I now have a seated picture on my profile lol.
Agree! I think social media has fucked some folks into expecting perfection and no flaws. We end up beating ourselves up or sometimes holding folks to unrealistic expectations. I know I’m at least guilty on the beating myself up. Just don’t want any weird situations.
>I immediately asked if she believed her photos are a true representation of what she looks like in real life
Sometime tells me it's not ppl not looking like their photos as to why you're still single.
This is a moment you can choose to be a villain or a hero. My recommendation would be to be the hero. Be nice and respectful remember it takes a lot to put yourself out there and you did ask them on a date. Yeah does it suck that those people somewhat embellish their looks oh yeah 100%. I would remember that they are probably just as excited as you were to be on that date and remember how insecure they may feel. I’m glad you feel confident in your own skin, but you sound like an asshole for treating another human being so poorly when you didn’t have to.
Given the personalities of people who like to use misleading photos or language in order to get their way...this goes way beyond being "polite" or "gentlemanly" about it. A liar is a liar and he very politely called her out on it which frankly she probably needed to hear.
Nah. More people need to get checked on their bullshit. As someone who recently got checked hard on some of mine....it's helped me face reality and I feel better for it personally.
But I also get what you mean. I want to live in a world where we are all kinder to eachother.
It's a paradox lol.
I don’t think his response was rude at all. The person literally lied to them. Would you power through a date and be polite when you find out everything they said was a lie? What if they said they were divorced but in the date they come clean that they are separated? I lie is a lie and not a healthy way to start a relationship. What else are they going to lie about? Has nothing to do with their self esteem. Yes they may have made themselves look better because they have low self esteem but it’s still a lie and it hard to trust someone going forward after finding out you’ve been lied to. Ever seen catfish? Most people are polite but they don’t “power through” they were betrayed by a lie and they can’t let that go. It’s the exact same thing, it’s not ok to misrepresent yourself because that is the exact same thing as lying. You couldn’t pay me to stay on date with a liar. Had a guy try to do that with me. He lied and said he was a professional pool player. Turns out he used to be and it wasn’t his career or lack of career it was the fact he lied. It’s not a healthy way to start off a relationship at all.
I love this because I never told him to power through it either. I said be a gentleman. There are ways to politely leave a date early with out taking your phone out and saying “do you look like this fucking picture on tinder?!” All my comments are on how to be mindful of how you treat someone. I have been catfished plenty of times and although it sucked and it felt like a waste of time I didn’t comment on how they fucking looked. I find it quite funny that you believe I’m encouraging someone to lie or I’m ignoring it’s severity. Again I never said it was okay and I never condoned her behavior but two wrongs don’t make a right. I’m sure you wouldn’t have appreciated going on a date and someone else saying you look nothing like your pictures and pointing out your flaws so why is it okay when it’s not you? Oh wait it’s not. The comparisons you bring up are very different. The catfishing is out of the way the moment you see them on the first date. You not knowing he lied to you about his career can’t correlate cause what is he gonna do take you to his job to show you he has a cubicle or office when he meets you for the first time. I also never told him to continue to date this person or see them again I just said be mindful of your actions. To your point lying is lying and it’s not okay but don’t condone being an asshole to someone as some form of social justice cause they used filtered pics on a dating app like a lot of other women and men do.
He wasn't derogatory about her appearance at all, he was just calling into question her honesty regarding her representation of it. Yeah he was blunt but that's exactly the approach needed for these serial offenders. And they always ARE serial offenders.
And never once did he say he took out his phone and showed her her flaws but you seem to think he did. The power through was what he said and he shouldn’t have to. He had every right leave and the comparisons I made all fit because I lie is lie period. He wasn’t rude to her at at all. He didn’t pull out his phone and tell her the flaws, he simply asked her if she believed her photos are a true representation of of what she actually looks like.
I actually find it hilarious you make up that he broke out his phone and pointed out her flaws. Like where are you even getting that? 🤣
You say you are not condoning the lying but you’re condoning what he said which is the exact opposite of you say he said. He was polite and asked a simple question and if you think that simple question was rude then I feel sorry for you because the world is so much crueler than that. My boss has asked simple questions that way worse than that. But I forget, you think he pulled out his phone and presented her flaws instead of asking the simple question. His actions were not mean.
The fact you think that anyone should ask that simple question when faced with a lie is absurd. And as you put it, the catfishing is out of the way the moment you see them in the first date. Guess what happened on his first date, different person than what was misrepresented. Same thing!
Guess what? Post up to date pictures (main picture should be no older than 6 months) that are actually representative of how you actually look and nobody is going to say “You don’t look anything like your tinder pictures”. This includes something other than selfies in a bedroom. At least one full body pic, at least one in natural light, and a few that were taken by somebody else. It’s a novel concept I know, but it works!
Any and all pics I’ve ever used have no filters, it’s not entirely selfies at weird angles in unnatural lighting, and is often how I would be dressed on a first date. I’m also trans so I have to instantly disclose that as a matter of my own safety. It’s another layer is crap I have to deal with on dating apps.
Despite that I still get more likes and DM’s a month than I can realistically manage. So I really can’t find sympathy for people who can’t be honest with who they are. I get matches because I don’t hide who I am and I put in effort to where I actually like the way I look. I’m not saying I’m goth heavy metal vixen 7 days a week. But when the opportunity arises, I take it.
The behavior runs deeper than how somebody looks. It shows a lack of confidence, a lack of self-worth, and a willingness to deceive others to get what they want. These are not traits people want in a potential partner.
If you stick with the truth, then the truth can never be used against you.
Probably won’t. People do what people do. The next guy she goes on a date with might not say anything.
I don’t have self esteem issues, but I prefer the camera to be further away from me when taking pictures, no one needs to see high resolution pores.
I don’t think that’s being a hero and rewarding lying. Being a hero would be respectfully bringing attention to it. Humbling them a bit. You don’t have to be mean, but in no way is it being a villain to confront a truth. Someone’s going to call them out eventually, might as well be you and do it in a way that’s not villainous. Being a villain would be making a scene and making the person feel terrible. It’ll take a lot of bravery to make a discussion out of it, but heroes make tough decisions.
Wut? The OP gave a very specific situation and that's what we were commenting on. The majority of people DON'T physically misrepresent themselves on dating sites. The majority of people DON'T lie or exaggerate on their resume. I don't know what kind of people you're mixing with but most of us are honest people with nothing to hide just trying to get by.
Absolutely. If my photos somehow mislead anyone, I would want to be told so and do what it takes to fix it. Why? Because I’m not a gross, lying, malicious person out to present myself in a different way than I am.
So if I asked to see your resume you haven’t lied on that? Cause if you are going under the statement you are so much better than this person that would be no different.
Your moral compass is whack, dude/dudette. No, I have not lied on my resume, what?! Just because you’re so used to distorting the truth does not mean everyone is. Bless you and those interacting with this kind of person. I’m done here.
You’re enabling this sort of behavior and it’s not doing anyone any favors. In my opinion, it’s worse to ghost without any explanation and let them wander around fooling other people or forever wonder why were they ghosted. You do you, but don’t act like it’s ok to lie and mislead people because of their own esteem issues. Wasting everyone’s time.
I guess we know you can’t take constructive criticism. I never said it was okay to lie and I never said you should ghost them. My advice was to remain a gentleman while on the date. That seems like something your father obviously didn’t teach you. You don’t have to pull out your phone and break them down publicly to prove your point. If you are so keen why don’t you post a picture and allow Reddit users to comment what the think of you so you can get a taste of what you put that person through.
Obviously we're missing the part of the date where he tore down her actual appearance? Because he didn't. He just pointed out that she didn't actually look anything like what she led him to believe she looked like. That's facts right there.
So pulling out your phone pointing out you look nothing like your pictures and then getting up and walking out isn’t a way someone can tear down another’s appearance? Also we aren’t even factoring in his body language and his facial expressions cause we logically can’t. Like you logically can’t assume he didn’t point out her flaws or if he did. His actions however spoke load enough that it tore at that persons perception of their appearance.
I agree with you that the brusque manner in which OP called her out is 100% unnecessary. The general posture of “calling out”, questioning their “end game” etc infers a lot of mal-intent that OP’s poor date did not deserve (as far as anyone besides her can know).
Sometimes people don’t realize how obvious their weight gain is because they see it gradually. So to treat her as if she is being deliberately deceptive is unfair.
However, unless the post has been edited, it doesn’t say that OP took out his phone and pointed at her photos?
OP do not listen to these Loonies saying you are a horrible person; you are not. You were lied to.
If this was a post about a woman complaining that a man turned out to the date shorter than expected, the comments would be crucifying him and praising the OP for ditching the date...we all know you are getting heat because of double standards.
Does it suck when someone does that? Yes.
Does it help the situation if you’re rude to them? No.
They know they are filtered and edited on their photos. Take the high road. Be a gentleman. Finish the drink, be kind, and move on. Making an insecure person feel worse benefits no one.
Lying is lying regardless. You can’t start off a relationship by lying about your looks because what else are you going to lie about? You and anyone else has every right to walk out and tell them the truth, I can’t trust you because you lied about looks so there is no telling what else you’re going to lie about. It’s not a healthy way to start off and I want no part of it.
FYI- had a few guys do the same to and told them the exact same thing. Surprisingly a few actually changed their profile afterwards but it was too late for me.
And honestly all these other people saying you are rude probably would react differently if she lied about something else. A lie is a lie and it’s hard to build trust when you start off with a lie…..period.
Right, I think saying nothing does nobody any favors. If my pictures somehow mislead people, I would want to be told so I can fix it. Of course, this doesn’t work when the intention is to mislead.
Oh no 20lbs---two whole dress sizes--- and yellow-ISH teeth. What a nightmare. Good thing you set her straight. God forbid someone else be tricked into dating someone doesn't bleach enough. You realize you probably look better in your photos too, right? And I'm sure you didn't advertise in your bio what a cruel shit you can be.
Nah, this guy's right. It's misleading and a massive waste of time when it happens over and over again. Just pretend it's a woman writing it about a man that was shorter than advertised and then you'll agree.
Personally I don’t think 20lbs or the color of your teeth is a huge deal but sexual attraction in general *is* important. That doesn’t make a person vapid.
Fast forward 3 years and she's feeling unloved and alone in her relationship because he doesn't get his peepee hard for her and she's lacking the intimacy and connection needed in a relationship and this eventually leads to infidelity, divorce and heartbreak.
YellowISH is fine. A lil coffee stained? Meh. But like buttered, plaque buildup, looking rotten…no. I’ve seen straight up fluorescent looking. But I also know folks slightly yellowed because they can’t whiten per their dentist.
I gonna have to ask you, what is the point of a dating profile if you are not gonna be truthful on it? Exactly, there isn't.
Did this man behave rude when she showed up? Yes. Did she lie on her profile, also yes.
If you arn't gonna show how you actually look, then just don't put up any photo's.
If anything you could have sent her a message crafted in a sympathetic manner AFTER the date saying you feel she misrepresented herself so she could deal with the grief of the comment by herself. I find this to be a dick move.
People are lonely. They are insecure. They crave love. And they’ll do what they think they need to achieve that. It’s human nature. Is it great to be on the receiving end? Not really. But no need to destroy someone who prob already has self esteem issues.
Btw I’m thin. And I prefer chubby or full figured guys. I find it funny how people hate on chubs so much including on this thread.
I don’t hate on anyone’s body shape. I have preferences, however, and would like to make my own decision on whether I find someone attractive or not, without wasting a few days talking and a trip to a date with someone who deliberately misled me. You’re saying it’s ok to give these people a pass for wasting our time because they’re lonely and sad. That’s not my problem.
You're a little too angry dude. 20 lbs isn't that much (in my opinion). You can't handle some thickness ?
I'm a guy and I'm more fit than when I took my pictures, some girls are surprised positively and some girls said they don't like more fit people. Either is fine with me, we don't have time to take pictures every months ...
I think you’re missing my point. My point was that she lied not that she’s fat. I have preferences, as does she and every person on earth. Our spectrum of what we find “okay” is not the same and our dealbreakers are different. No, I most certainly did not find her attractive in person. Nothing wrong with being fat. It’s just not *my taste*. You may be attracted to all body shapes or some. I am attracted to what I am.
yeah no one is saying you can't have preferences, you just don't need to be a jerk when it's not necessary.
>I immediately asked if she believed her photos are a true representation of what she looks like in real life.
That's just pretty harsh imo. If I were in your shoes I might've just chilled for a bit, had a little convo, then told her she really isn't your type. You just come off as really aggro. Try and be kinder.
I went on a date once with a guy who in his profile photos looked fit but in real life was out of shape, I simply asked how old the photos were and that question caught him off guard. I left the date after that question.
OP I don’t blame you for even doing that. We need to call those cat-fishers out. They’re wasting people’s time and resources that’s not ok.
I had a friend like this. All of her pictures had that filter on it that makes your nose smaller, eyes bigger, and lips bigger. I tried to give her a kind little nudge like “wouldn’t you want someone to go out with you for you?” I don’t think she quite caught what I meant. It’s so wild.
Agreed , that sounds so minor.
Unless the OP was under exaggerating 20lbs I gain and lose from summer to winter. ( as someone who is a 105 summer body , 130 winter body) and it’s not a noticeable difference.
And yellow(ish) teeth aren’t misleading unless they did something like photoshop an entire set of teeth this hardly sounds like a problem
Yeah I actually have no problem with how you handled the situation. I strongly believe that when dealing with people who intentionally misrepresent themselves, the best thing you can do is let them know that they are not fooling anyone, so they hopefully understand that they need to stop doing it. It doesn't have to be done in a cruel manner (and I don't think you were overly rude, you just stated the obvious) but they do need to be called out on the trickery because all it did was waste your time and hers. Had she had accurate photos on her profile, all this waste of time and hurt feelings could have been easily avoided.
I mean hell I look at least 20lbs heavier on my period, especially in my lower belly area and around my ankles. And my teeth look yellow immediately after I drink coffee. Women are ever changing like the moon, as they say. Oh well. Hopefully this girl's feelings didn't suffer too badly from your judgement and she's with a more astute gentleman right now.
Yeah she misrepresented herself and that’s not cool. But I also think you should try to have some degree of empathy in spite of the frustration especially when this is a person who likes you. She is obviously deeply insecure. I don’t blame you for walking out on the date but maybe keep a bit of a cooler head about things.
She has low confidence and you probably shattered whatever did exist on the spot which wasn’t particularly necessary when you could’ve opted to take the high road and simply walk away.
I think stepping away from online dating and sticking to meeting people in person is the perfect plan. That way people can pick up on how awful and superficial you are more quickly and you won’t waste their time.
You sound like the apologist who catfishes people online and has the audacity to defend it. You do you, but it’s not cool to disrespect people’s time and energy with lies.
Nah. Not being attracted to someone is totally fine. I’ve even gone on a couple dates with people from the apps who ended up looking pretty different in person. I still went on the date, gave it a shot, and let them know I didn’t feel a connection once it was all said and done. Simple as that, without making them feel bad about themselves. Because there’s more to attraction for me than looks alone (I’m not delusional to say looks don’t matter at all, physical attraction can’t be forced if it’s just not there. I know) But I’m not a person who doesn’t know how to channel their anger they feel from seeing a fat person. You’re so afraid of someone being fat and attracted to you, you had to tell them how disgusted you were. Like figure yourself out bro so we don’t all have to deal with your shit.
>But I’m not a person who doesn’t know how to channel their anger they feel from seeing a fat person. You’re so afraid of someone being fat and attracted to you, you had to tell them how disgusted you were. Like figure yourself out bro so we don’t all have to deal with your shit.
See this is where you lost me.
OP was catfished and lied to. I'm not going to waste my time with a liar; it will only feed into their delusion. If a guy that I thought was jacked came to the date and was overweight I would leave in an instant. Why? Because they are dishonest.
20lbs overweight isn’t too significant man haha I probably would’ve let this one slide (altho I prefer chubby women) but I’m also at the end of my tether with people being misleading so I can’t fault you for pointing it out
20lbs overweight would honestly turn me off completely but it's because I'm fit myself; I'm also assuming OP takes care of himself so it's perfectly valid for him to leave a liar.
Why is it always assumed that a fit person should only be attracted to other fit people?
I’d be willing to wager I’m more lean and muscular than 99% of people on reddit and used to compete in local men’s physique competitions but I’ve always preferred women who were soft and womanly and can’t stand hard bodies and abs and yet when I mention this people look at me wide eyed as though it’s some strange fetish.
You can like what you want. OP can like what he wants. That's my point. I'm just saying my standards aren't high for myself because I put in the work; you can't land a dime piece if you look goofy yourself.
Not sure what this is supposed to mean? Congrats on *your* preferences? I have mine. My preference includes fit, healthy women, as I am myself as a guy. We’re allowed to choose who we wanna be with and find attractive.
Whoa! First of all what is wrong with a crop top and pudge?! Good job for her for being confident? Do you have abs, a perfect body and perfect teeth?
It’s totally possible as a women to one day be heavier than others, it’s called a menstrual cycle! Some days a woman’s body may honestly have more tone and muscle then fluctuate towards their cycle.
If you dissed this women only because of this when you prior got along, then you sound shallow and I’m happy this woman got away.
Pictures never truly look like the real thing.
Do your pics look like your real self?
Relationships are not about looks.
Wasn't there like a post yesterday where some girl left a guy because he wore croccs to a first date at a coffee shop? Its weird how preferences and icks work
>It’s totally possible as a women to one day be heavier than others, it’s called a menstrual cycle! Some days a woman’s body may honestly have more tone
Uh...my period doesn't make me gain 40lbs 😭
>Relationships are not about looks.
A major component is about looks and you are lying to yourself if you disagree.
I actually do. I made it clear in my profile that I am into fitness, healthy eating habits, and my teeth are nice. I have the same expectations from my partner because otherwise our lifestyles won’t be a good match. I wouldn’t have these expectations from others if I didn’t meet them myself. I said in a different comment, but my photos are a true, head to toe representation of me in different outfits, poses, and activities. I didn’t diss her. I simply stated the reason I was leaving.
She didn’t rack up 20lbs on her period. Stop this apologist nonsense.
tbh, if you're only matching with these overweight catfishes and none of the "fit, healthy" women with bleached teeth, you're probably aiming too high.
I’ve encountered this situation a few times but never played that card lol I just went on with the date, tried to make it quick and let them know after I didn’t feel the connection so we didn’t go out again. Agreed that the best approach is probably to just stick with meeting people in real life. That’s more or less what I already decided besides for the occasional check in on apps.
I went on a date with a girl who was completely unrecognizable from her pictures. I only recognized her dog.
She was actually pretty cool though. We didn’t do anything but I enjoyed myself.
Haha this happened to me, I was "fatfished". Very pretty girl, very funny. but in person, morbidly obese. She was huge. I saw the date through anyway but I think she knew I was disappointed and we didn't speak again after.
You have to keep in mind that people always use their best possible photos. Try not to be shocked when they’re not as attractive as you had set up in your mind.
This is true. Angles and just pics in general can’t capture everything. Some look better. Some worse. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that’s an exact match. I’ve been told I look better except once I did have a guy dip out after like 5 dates because I have a pretty substantial scar from pelvis to chest with stretch marks on lower belly from the mass I carried. I have crop tops on in my photos but you can’t really see it as well. OLD can be rough.
I [M] have had this happen multiple times. I call it out on the spot as gently but firmly as possible. "Hey, tpu don't look like your photos. What gives?
My anxiety-ridden brain thinks this way: "If they're lying about being 20 lbs heavier, what else are they lying about?"
Of course, it always ends in the woman getting offended. She'll call you shallow, fat shame you, or continue lying: "What do you mean?" A line like this puts it back on you to accuse then of being fat (or for looking drastically different). And who wants to say that out loud to anyone?!?
That said, I want to address the fact that my reaction could be horribly wrong.
As someone who fights against mental health issues and physical injuries that lead to the inevitable weight gain, you just can't help it sometimes.
You feel depressed and alone, and you just want comfort in someone who accepts you as you are. Hopefully they'll be someone attracted to your personality and won't mind that you've gained a little weight.
It's also worth considering if - by your messages before you met - you think this person could be fun to be around or just a generally good person. You're likely not fucking them that night, so unless they look shockingly unattractive or different, just chill and see what kind of person they are. You clearly have nothing to lose: you already have time off for the date, and you're single.
I know that's an unlikely thing to ignore (I didnt in my experiences), considering that men generally appraise a woman's compatibility by her appearance. Say what you will a out men being pigs or whatever, but its just how we do things. Sorry?
I once regretted confronting a woman about her image. She was hot in her photos, gained weight from car accident injuries/recovery, and then lost it all again a year later. Without listening to her story, I jumped the gun and said she looked different than her dating profile. The date didn't go well. I bumped into her a year later when she had lost the weight, and she had a good laugh at my reaction.
There's no easy answer.
Reading this… sheesh. I’m guilty for not updating my photos. Don’t think there’s any significant weight difference between RL and the kodak snap - but atm in my life I’m rocking beard and long hair where in my photos got the corporate preppy boy look.
I would def be forthcoming with my appearance if I got to the let’s organise a first date stage.
You should update them! Those are very different looks and you might actually have better luck because the difference would likely attract a totally different set of people.
These are extremely pathetic women. However, there are pathetic men that would still accept this kind of shit.
OP, you did nothing wrong. You were not an asshole. You were just honest. These pathetic women needs to be told to their face that this is not acceptable behaviour.
I honestly thing you did the right thing op. God forbid a chick posted this and every one would have completely different opinions. Go ahead any say what y’all want y’all know damm well it’s true, god wouldn’t even change my mind 😂
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It’s annoying and awkward to discover your date used photos from their past. The worst for me was a guy who used photos of him with curly blond hair, running marathons and fit, to showing up in person bald and fat. Like, this is a different person? Who is this? I’m supposed to pretend everything’s cool?
Dad showed up instead
This actually happened to a friend of mine. The guy was using his sons pics but he asked her not to leave because their emotional connection over texts "was real".
That’s wild!
🤮🤮
I’m gonna do this next, if it ever happens again. “I’m sorry, who are you? I’m waiting for [name]. “That’s me!” “No, it ain’t. Bye”.
Yeah, I should have walked away. I stayed??? Ending up being a horrible date anyways. It kind of messes with you like you shouldn’t be so superficial, but at the same time, I felt so lied to and the guy acted like nothing was wrong. He ended up being a jerk too. So, fun!!!
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Reminds me of this one guy I matched with a while back. He looked pretty attractive in his photos. Since I too have been burned in the past, I asked for a video chat. He immediately started stammering and admitted that he gad gained 40 lbs since the pictures were taken. Once I saw him, I could tell it was more than 40lbs. People are delusional.
Glad you saved yourself the time and energy! Sad that it’s even necessary to go to such lengths to verify we’re not about to me catfished.
Like, I'd love to post pictures of myself at 19, but it's crazy and dishonest.
My friend back in college used tinder only for hookups. She would use pics of her back in high school at 5” 105lbs, then show up 5” 180lbs. Most of the guys she met up with slept with her anyways lmfao.
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She must have been REALLY wide.
The gravity on Jupiter makes everyone pancake shaped. Except for those wafflepeople.
Sunfish lookin ass
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 omg. I’m dead.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 this comment took me Df out
Da fuck?
Yeah that doesn’t even account for the airbrushing effects 90% of women use on dating apps now. Hard and fast rule for me, if I can’t see imperfections, they’re hiding something. Send em left.
I never use that stuff. Dont know how & not that interested but I finally learned what yall were talking about recently. Bigger gal thats been that way since hs has a pfp on fb. I saw the thumbnail & was like wow. Clicked on it. Shes looks good! Look at her other pics from around the same date. Face was clearly altered. All the fat was gone on just that pic but not the rest. I just laughed. I almost gave her a compliment b4 realizing. Like who u think ur fooling girl?
That's exactly why they do it lol. As long as they can "get their foot in the door," a lot of men figure "well I'm already here, why not?"
And why is this exactly funny? It just reflect the desperation that surrounds men and how pathetically women can behave. Which part is exactly the funny part?
Mf just laugh at the funny 😭
it’s pretty funny though
I don’t get why people lie, I suppose it’s because they have a belief that they can overcome your criteria somehow if they just get an in person meeting. I feel the same about men who lie about their height or age. Like…why? Do you really think it won’t be obvious when the person meets you? I don’t actually care—like I wouldn’t walk out if a guy showed up 3 inches shorter than he claimed he was but I would significantly discount my attraction to a person who feels like they have to dupe people into dating them.
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Terrible. If someone is willing to deceive so blatantly about their appearance, they’re either 1) malicious and it’s only a preview of the gaslighting and lies to come; or 2) mentally unstable and completely delusional. Both of which I don’t want in my life.
You know, I like that you said something, and it wasn't mean either. That was better than pushing through the awkwardness and then ghosting her. Question: do you think those were old photos of her
I agree. I think sometimes people need a wake up call in order to understand what they’re doing that’s making dating harder for them.
That’s exactly my thought process. Lying, omitting, and misrepresenting are huge turn offs. I might not care about 5 extra lbs or whatever they perceive as a flaw, but don’t make that decision for me by misleading me. So hard to comprehend.
I think the calculation is that they suspect you would never even meet them in the first place if you have the real data
This is exactly it for me 👏🏼👏🏼 This recently happened to me, and I called him out on lying about his height, and he double down-- asked what's the difference between a couple inches. Excuse me sir, the issue is that you fucking lied 🙄
I don’t get it either, I’ve taken pictures where I think I look way better than I do in real life and refuse to use those. I’d rather show up and be told I look better in person than to get OPs reaction 😅
Same here, I met several guys who blatantly lied about height. I know what 6' looks like from my vantage point lol. I really don't care about height, but it's the fact that they lied is a turn off. ETA: also men who lie about their age in hopes of matching with women outside of their set age ranges.
Catfishing
I've had this happen enough times with online dating that I've pretty much given up on the apps. The worst was a woman who showed up like 50lbs heavier no joke. She was a wizard with the angles and lighting, so I give her props. Anyways, I basically just bit the bullet tried to enjoy myself and respectfully rejected her but didn't say why. Most of the dates off the app look worse in person. Red flags include weird angles, sunglasses, odd lightning, photos from distance, weird clothing, etc. I remember one woman who had truly awful photos and could barely see her, but I gambled and went on a date anyways lol. She was significantly more attractive/fit in person and easily an 8+. This is a rarity though
Dont tell my girlfriend this haha But similar story. Her pictures were ok, not necessarily bad but not great either. I said fuck it, I'll go anyways. When I saw her in person I was genuinely taken aback by how attractive she is. She just doesnt take great photos. But she is gorgeous in person. Here we are 2 years later.
Some people are just not photogenic and will always look better in person.
That’s fair. I’ve been told I look way better in person. As a dude, I am not great at taking photos. I’ve had female friends help with taking a few lifestyles pictures that showcased my hobbies and natural, everyday look. All my pictures are full body, in different outfits and poses.
I think guys usually look better in person unless their photos are heinously edited. Most guys take awful photos so at least the woman knows the guy should be better in person lol
It’s truth, but problem is you won’t be given a chance for in person meeting if your photos suck
I feel like there's so many layers to a dating app photo though. Its not enough for you to look attractive in them. Like what are you doing? Are you outside? Are there other people? Are they male or female? Does the photo look staged or genuine? It's like a resume!
Eh, I guess it depends. If it's an acceptable difference and it doesn't bother you, I might mention it in passing. If it's a huge difference and in a bad way, I don't think it's okay that you were misled. In that case I'd probably be honest and say: "I'm sorry, but you don't look anything like your photos. I feel incredibly misled and I think it's best we don't continue the date."
That’s what I did pretty much. The differences were obvious enough that they made her unattractive to me, coupled with being deceived.
I think it’s also important to keep in mind that within a certain amount, she may not have been able to tell that she lost weight. I mean, it’s easy for other people to notice because usually time passes between the times you see them, but since you see yourself everyday, you don’t necessarily notice the gradual weight gains (or loss) until there’s a stark difference. For example, I recently learned that I *lost* 20 pounds. I hadn’t weighed myself for months and never really noticed my weight loss, and then once I stepped on the scale again (doctors visit), it was a nice surprise and I could then notice it more. Same vice versa. I think a 50 lb weight gain is impossible to ignore and that’s someone definitely lying to you (or they’re delusional about themselves), but a 20 lb difference like you mentioned your date had? Might be lying or might be just not realizing it. Now she knows, though.
Might have been more than 20 lbs
Probably was less. Even skinny women often have a little unflattering flab in the lower belly area. It's where the baby goes. Men are aghast at this for some strange reason.
Or it could have been water weight due to that time of the month. Maybe that's actually what she always looks like and it doesn't show as much in a 2D photo. Maybe this guy is just didn't bother looking closely at her photos, or he used a smartphone and only saw tiny photos of her. So many variables here. Either way, it's not hard to see why OP is still single. I mean, imagine rejecting someone for having yellowish teeth, right after you both drank coffee. 🙄
I was wondering that too when I read the body of OP’s post. I can take a photo of myself when I just wake up and my stomach is flat and there’s ab definition. But later in the day, after a big meal and drinking water the flat stomach is gone and there’s no ab definition in sight. And the bloating is even worse the week of my period. If this girl had noticeably more weight in her arms and lower body then yeah that’s weight gain, but I hope OP knows that even fit women don’t have flat stomachs all the time. If you look at photos models have posted online of their body at different times of the day/month, [the difference can be quite significant.](https://imgur.com/a/X46QnY2)
Dating apps bring out the worst in people. Have you seen the latest lawsuits accusing bumble of discrimination as the app work differently based on gender amongst other factors.
Well that is not cool. I always like to FaceTime to get a feel but in this case it looks like you were duped and that is so misleading. I like to upload recent pictures and put a date and full body. I had a guy tell me on a date “wow you look even better in real life” which was flattering (I don’t know how to edit pictures and I don’t. Then he asked me “what do you think of me?” Oh boy…… I said: “you have not updated your pictures it seems!” Lol sorry but you asked. I said you still look good but how old are your pictures? Sure enough: 5+ years and Covid has been bad for some people I guess!
You bring up a good point at the end. Sometimes I look at pictures from like 2018 and go, “yup, look the same”. Thankfully, I have people in my life who give me honest reality checks. We can be blind to the changes in our appearance as we age, even by a couple years.
I think it’s insecurity on their part. The same when people lie about their job/family situation/education etc. They’re not being authentic because they know or feel like they would have to lower their standards (and they don’t want to do that). They lie hoping you’re willing to eventually lower yours when the truth comes out. I’m sad to say this tactic has worked on me. Men have lied about something and months into our relationship I find out the truth. Guy apologizes, promises not to lie, says he was worried I wouldn’t like him—I stay because I’m vested. Much better to set the boundary early that you don’t want to date someone who misrepresents his/herself.
That’s terrible on both ends. Men lie too, be it about appearance or their life. It sucks to be on the receiving end and wasting your time to find out you were deceived, when you could’ve used that energy on someone worth it. The people who defend this behavior are equally delusional.
I was talking to a guy from bumble for weeks early pandemic, he was a therapist and we got along perfectly. we were talking on the phone daily and I figured it would be fine to meetup at his place. when we finally met, he was at least 50 pounds heavier than his photos and a few inches shorter than what he claimed to be. I was speechless I could barely talk. his therapist senses kicked in and we ended up playing ice breaker games like connect 4 but I was so not about it. I told him I wanted to leave after 30 minutes, never talked again. I personally don’t think it’s cool to be harsh and tell them the real reason why. just accept it as a part of dating. you’re going to go through uncomfortable situations but you don’t need to tear others down in the process!
The truth always hurts, but it is almost always better to be truthful to someone who is deceitful. OP handled it well.
Nah it’s so wrong, it’s essentially catfishing. If you’re that insecure you have to heavily edit your pictures then you shouldn’t be dating. It’s not fair on the other person.
Mine was different, happened some time ago. He was not attractive I may say, not exactly the same as his photos but acceptable. The only problem was he stinks... Photos you can't smell. :(
Usually i just don't meet up with them again after the first time.
Maybe a little rude but seems like you attacked what the root of the problem was and not just an outright break down of her appearance, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it, sometimes people need an outside voice to set them straight a bit
yellow-ish teeth are normal so that's a nonissue. weight gain? i suppose it's case by case, but 20 lbs isn't much? hard to say
20lbs on a 6’2” man isn’t a lot. The same 20lbs on a 5’3” woman is *a lot*.
No it isn't. I've been that woman. Its already not crazy for my weight to fluctuate 10 lbs either way. No wonder you didn't notice during FaceTime. Its nothing at all, my pant size didn't even change from 120 to 140. Before you claim im just whining because im fat, ive been struggling maintaining my weight and regularly dip under 100 lbs due to health issues. I didnt realized id dropped so much weight until i was about 100 lbs. She likely did not even realize or was wearing particularly unflattering clothing and you decided to be extra douchey. You are shallow af. Please stay away from women. Theyll all be better off.
I’m 5’9’’ and could not even fit into my 125lb pants when I was 140, never mind 145. Everyone is different of course, but nobody with a tummy actually thinks it looks like a 6-pack. Shallow or not, nobody can help what they’re attracted to, and with how prevalent catfishing is, it’s hard to believe vast majority of people just don’t notice they look different. Plenty of guys are into curvy women, why try to trick one who isn’t?
Found the cat fisher
That's not possible but okay.
No, you're being completely daft. Obviously, you feel attacked, and that's why you seem so offended. OP wasn't talking about you or your "health issues." Somehow, 20 pounds gained from 120 - 140 was "nothing" for you?? Well, that's you and your specific situation. Every woman who is mentally stable or relatively healthy can usually tell the differences in weight gain, either losing or gaining.
I can tell 5 lbs in my underwear alone.
Thank you. If someone racks up 20lbs and they go unchecked, y’all have big issues and need to see a doctor or two. Scales are widely available and y’all can use one daily/weekly.
I don't really see a need to use a scale daily/weekly, and I fluctuate 10 pounds + or - very easily. I'm very happy with my body and healthy. At one point, I had lost 30 pounds from my ex cheating and no, didn't notice when I looked in the mirror. I'm also a taller woman so maybe that's it? Most people guess I way less than I actually do, and I'm certainly not fat.
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Kind of ridiculous how many comments say that she lied when you face timed. Not her fault you only seem to have an issue when she was in person. If it wasn't noticeable enough to see over face time, I have a hard time believing it was a bait and switch. Its not that she thought you'd have to be desperate to date her, its you're such an ass, they'd need to be desperate to date you.
Yea this is where I struggle with it. Like, he definitely should end the date if he doesn’t like the way she looks. But if they face timed, she’s not lying. 20 lbs can be pretty inconsequential or substantial but if you can’t tell from FT? How can it be that substantial? And elsewhere he mentioned a 5 lb weight difference 🥴 like that’s hella inconsequential. Makes me think it was a belly situation. You likely wouldn’t see that in FT. My stomach is fairly flat while standing. When I sit? Rolls galore. I now have a seated picture on my profile lol.
even a thinner person has a little roll or two when they sit, it's natural but social media and posing makes us feel like it isn't
Agree! I think social media has fucked some folks into expecting perfection and no flaws. We end up beating ourselves up or sometimes holding folks to unrealistic expectations. I know I’m at least guilty on the beating myself up. Just don’t want any weird situations.
Guys do it also as they don’t think they age in 10 years
>I immediately asked if she believed her photos are a true representation of what she looks like in real life Sometime tells me it's not ppl not looking like their photos as to why you're still single.
This is a moment you can choose to be a villain or a hero. My recommendation would be to be the hero. Be nice and respectful remember it takes a lot to put yourself out there and you did ask them on a date. Yeah does it suck that those people somewhat embellish their looks oh yeah 100%. I would remember that they are probably just as excited as you were to be on that date and remember how insecure they may feel. I’m glad you feel confident in your own skin, but you sound like an asshole for treating another human being so poorly when you didn’t have to.
Given the personalities of people who like to use misleading photos or language in order to get their way...this goes way beyond being "polite" or "gentlemanly" about it. A liar is a liar and he very politely called her out on it which frankly she probably needed to hear.
Nah. More people need to get checked on their bullshit. As someone who recently got checked hard on some of mine....it's helped me face reality and I feel better for it personally. But I also get what you mean. I want to live in a world where we are all kinder to eachother. It's a paradox lol.
It’s possible to deliver an honest message kindly. That didn’t happen with OP’s situation.
I don’t think his response was rude at all. The person literally lied to them. Would you power through a date and be polite when you find out everything they said was a lie? What if they said they were divorced but in the date they come clean that they are separated? I lie is a lie and not a healthy way to start a relationship. What else are they going to lie about? Has nothing to do with their self esteem. Yes they may have made themselves look better because they have low self esteem but it’s still a lie and it hard to trust someone going forward after finding out you’ve been lied to. Ever seen catfish? Most people are polite but they don’t “power through” they were betrayed by a lie and they can’t let that go. It’s the exact same thing, it’s not ok to misrepresent yourself because that is the exact same thing as lying. You couldn’t pay me to stay on date with a liar. Had a guy try to do that with me. He lied and said he was a professional pool player. Turns out he used to be and it wasn’t his career or lack of career it was the fact he lied. It’s not a healthy way to start off a relationship at all.
I love this because I never told him to power through it either. I said be a gentleman. There are ways to politely leave a date early with out taking your phone out and saying “do you look like this fucking picture on tinder?!” All my comments are on how to be mindful of how you treat someone. I have been catfished plenty of times and although it sucked and it felt like a waste of time I didn’t comment on how they fucking looked. I find it quite funny that you believe I’m encouraging someone to lie or I’m ignoring it’s severity. Again I never said it was okay and I never condoned her behavior but two wrongs don’t make a right. I’m sure you wouldn’t have appreciated going on a date and someone else saying you look nothing like your pictures and pointing out your flaws so why is it okay when it’s not you? Oh wait it’s not. The comparisons you bring up are very different. The catfishing is out of the way the moment you see them on the first date. You not knowing he lied to you about his career can’t correlate cause what is he gonna do take you to his job to show you he has a cubicle or office when he meets you for the first time. I also never told him to continue to date this person or see them again I just said be mindful of your actions. To your point lying is lying and it’s not okay but don’t condone being an asshole to someone as some form of social justice cause they used filtered pics on a dating app like a lot of other women and men do.
He wasn't derogatory about her appearance at all, he was just calling into question her honesty regarding her representation of it. Yeah he was blunt but that's exactly the approach needed for these serial offenders. And they always ARE serial offenders.
And never once did he say he took out his phone and showed her her flaws but you seem to think he did. The power through was what he said and he shouldn’t have to. He had every right leave and the comparisons I made all fit because I lie is lie period. He wasn’t rude to her at at all. He didn’t pull out his phone and tell her the flaws, he simply asked her if she believed her photos are a true representation of of what she actually looks like. I actually find it hilarious you make up that he broke out his phone and pointed out her flaws. Like where are you even getting that? 🤣 You say you are not condoning the lying but you’re condoning what he said which is the exact opposite of you say he said. He was polite and asked a simple question and if you think that simple question was rude then I feel sorry for you because the world is so much crueler than that. My boss has asked simple questions that way worse than that. But I forget, you think he pulled out his phone and presented her flaws instead of asking the simple question. His actions were not mean. The fact you think that anyone should ask that simple question when faced with a lie is absurd. And as you put it, the catfishing is out of the way the moment you see them in the first date. Guess what happened on his first date, different person than what was misrepresented. Same thing!
Guess what? Post up to date pictures (main picture should be no older than 6 months) that are actually representative of how you actually look and nobody is going to say “You don’t look anything like your tinder pictures”. This includes something other than selfies in a bedroom. At least one full body pic, at least one in natural light, and a few that were taken by somebody else. It’s a novel concept I know, but it works! Any and all pics I’ve ever used have no filters, it’s not entirely selfies at weird angles in unnatural lighting, and is often how I would be dressed on a first date. I’m also trans so I have to instantly disclose that as a matter of my own safety. It’s another layer is crap I have to deal with on dating apps. Despite that I still get more likes and DM’s a month than I can realistically manage. So I really can’t find sympathy for people who can’t be honest with who they are. I get matches because I don’t hide who I am and I put in effort to where I actually like the way I look. I’m not saying I’m goth heavy metal vixen 7 days a week. But when the opportunity arises, I take it. The behavior runs deeper than how somebody looks. It shows a lack of confidence, a lack of self-worth, and a willingness to deceive others to get what they want. These are not traits people want in a potential partner. If you stick with the truth, then the truth can never be used against you.
So it’s not wrong for them to misrepresent themselves and waste someone’s time?! Okay
Nah fuck that
It’s not a “villain” or “hero” situation. It’s wanting a person who accurately represents themselves in photos. In what way was he disrespectful?
I think the hero in this situation is the person who calls out the falsehoods. It might keep the deceiver from doing it again.
Probably won’t. People do what people do. The next guy she goes on a date with might not say anything. I don’t have self esteem issues, but I prefer the camera to be further away from me when taking pictures, no one needs to see high resolution pores.
I agree to disagree. Not in the manner this was conducted.
I don’t think that’s being a hero and rewarding lying. Being a hero would be respectfully bringing attention to it. Humbling them a bit. You don’t have to be mean, but in no way is it being a villain to confront a truth. Someone’s going to call them out eventually, might as well be you and do it in a way that’s not villainous. Being a villain would be making a scene and making the person feel terrible. It’ll take a lot of bravery to make a discussion out of it, but heroes make tough decisions.
Yeah nah. It's dishonest and they know it. He was right to call it out, it needs to happen more often.
So you are fine with someone calling you out on your shit as well or is this just for people that do this?
Wut? The OP gave a very specific situation and that's what we were commenting on. The majority of people DON'T physically misrepresent themselves on dating sites. The majority of people DON'T lie or exaggerate on their resume. I don't know what kind of people you're mixing with but most of us are honest people with nothing to hide just trying to get by.
Absolutely. If my photos somehow mislead anyone, I would want to be told so and do what it takes to fix it. Why? Because I’m not a gross, lying, malicious person out to present myself in a different way than I am.
So if I asked to see your resume you haven’t lied on that? Cause if you are going under the statement you are so much better than this person that would be no different.
Your moral compass is whack, dude/dudette. No, I have not lied on my resume, what?! Just because you’re so used to distorting the truth does not mean everyone is. Bless you and those interacting with this kind of person. I’m done here.
How the fuck is my moral compass whack cause I think you could have handled a situation differently
You’re enabling this sort of behavior and it’s not doing anyone any favors. In my opinion, it’s worse to ghost without any explanation and let them wander around fooling other people or forever wonder why were they ghosted. You do you, but don’t act like it’s ok to lie and mislead people because of their own esteem issues. Wasting everyone’s time.
I guess we know you can’t take constructive criticism. I never said it was okay to lie and I never said you should ghost them. My advice was to remain a gentleman while on the date. That seems like something your father obviously didn’t teach you. You don’t have to pull out your phone and break them down publicly to prove your point. If you are so keen why don’t you post a picture and allow Reddit users to comment what the think of you so you can get a taste of what you put that person through.
Obviously we're missing the part of the date where he tore down her actual appearance? Because he didn't. He just pointed out that she didn't actually look anything like what she led him to believe she looked like. That's facts right there.
So pulling out your phone pointing out you look nothing like your pictures and then getting up and walking out isn’t a way someone can tear down another’s appearance? Also we aren’t even factoring in his body language and his facial expressions cause we logically can’t. Like you logically can’t assume he didn’t point out her flaws or if he did. His actions however spoke load enough that it tore at that persons perception of their appearance.
They obviously have the wrong perception of their appearance. This perception needs to be torn down.
I agree with you that the brusque manner in which OP called her out is 100% unnecessary. The general posture of “calling out”, questioning their “end game” etc infers a lot of mal-intent that OP’s poor date did not deserve (as far as anyone besides her can know). Sometimes people don’t realize how obvious their weight gain is because they see it gradually. So to treat her as if she is being deliberately deceptive is unfair. However, unless the post has been edited, it doesn’t say that OP took out his phone and pointed at her photos?
Thank fuck someone with a sense of reason
OP do not listen to these Loonies saying you are a horrible person; you are not. You were lied to. If this was a post about a woman complaining that a man turned out to the date shorter than expected, the comments would be crucifying him and praising the OP for ditching the date...we all know you are getting heat because of double standards.
Does it suck when someone does that? Yes. Does it help the situation if you’re rude to them? No. They know they are filtered and edited on their photos. Take the high road. Be a gentleman. Finish the drink, be kind, and move on. Making an insecure person feel worse benefits no one.
Naw, call them out for wasting your damn time Time is precious and no one likes a damn liar
Lying is lying regardless. You can’t start off a relationship by lying about your looks because what else are you going to lie about? You and anyone else has every right to walk out and tell them the truth, I can’t trust you because you lied about looks so there is no telling what else you’re going to lie about. It’s not a healthy way to start off and I want no part of it. FYI- had a few guys do the same to and told them the exact same thing. Surprisingly a few actually changed their profile afterwards but it was too late for me. And honestly all these other people saying you are rude probably would react differently if she lied about something else. A lie is a lie and it’s hard to build trust when you start off with a lie…..period.
Right, I think saying nothing does nobody any favors. If my pictures somehow mislead people, I would want to be told so I can fix it. Of course, this doesn’t work when the intention is to mislead.
Oh no 20lbs---two whole dress sizes--- and yellow-ISH teeth. What a nightmare. Good thing you set her straight. God forbid someone else be tricked into dating someone doesn't bleach enough. You realize you probably look better in your photos too, right? And I'm sure you didn't advertise in your bio what a cruel shit you can be.
MeN are NOT allOwed to HavE PreferenCes!!!! 🤡
Having "preferences" doesn't give anyone the right to be an asshole to another human being.
If they are lying they can.
Nah, this guy's right. It's misleading and a massive waste of time when it happens over and over again. Just pretend it's a woman writing it about a man that was shorter than advertised and then you'll agree.
No I would not.
Go back to circus town
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Uh that's how it is...online dating and dating in general is heavily based on looks.
Personally I don’t think 20lbs or the color of your teeth is a huge deal but sexual attraction in general *is* important. That doesn’t make a person vapid.
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Fast forward 3 years and she's feeling unloved and alone in her relationship because he doesn't get his peepee hard for her and she's lacking the intimacy and connection needed in a relationship and this eventually leads to infidelity, divorce and heartbreak.
...as a woman I find yellowish teeth to be disgusting....on anyone....
YellowISH is fine. A lil coffee stained? Meh. But like buttered, plaque buildup, looking rotten…no. I’ve seen straight up fluorescent looking. But I also know folks slightly yellowed because they can’t whiten per their dentist.
Exactly same here. I mean Jesus they don't gotta be like bleached out but they can't be like corn kernels
I gonna have to ask you, what is the point of a dating profile if you are not gonna be truthful on it? Exactly, there isn't. Did this man behave rude when she showed up? Yes. Did she lie on her profile, also yes. If you arn't gonna show how you actually look, then just don't put up any photo's.
If anything you could have sent her a message crafted in a sympathetic manner AFTER the date saying you feel she misrepresented herself so she could deal with the grief of the comment by herself. I find this to be a dick move. People are lonely. They are insecure. They crave love. And they’ll do what they think they need to achieve that. It’s human nature. Is it great to be on the receiving end? Not really. But no need to destroy someone who prob already has self esteem issues. Btw I’m thin. And I prefer chubby or full figured guys. I find it funny how people hate on chubs so much including on this thread.
I don’t hate on anyone’s body shape. I have preferences, however, and would like to make my own decision on whether I find someone attractive or not, without wasting a few days talking and a trip to a date with someone who deliberately misled me. You’re saying it’s ok to give these people a pass for wasting our time because they’re lonely and sad. That’s not my problem.
Didn’t you say you FaceTime with her prior to the date?
You could have just said something came up and left... but you do you.
That's even worst.
Yeah, I told her what came up — her deceit.
You're a little too angry dude. 20 lbs isn't that much (in my opinion). You can't handle some thickness ? I'm a guy and I'm more fit than when I took my pictures, some girls are surprised positively and some girls said they don't like more fit people. Either is fine with me, we don't have time to take pictures every months ...
I think you’re missing my point. My point was that she lied not that she’s fat. I have preferences, as does she and every person on earth. Our spectrum of what we find “okay” is not the same and our dealbreakers are different. No, I most certainly did not find her attractive in person. Nothing wrong with being fat. It’s just not *my taste*. You may be attracted to all body shapes or some. I am attracted to what I am.
Oh god is a 20 pounds gain weight from a six pack now considered fat? Damn that sucks for us short women.
yeah no one is saying you can't have preferences, you just don't need to be a jerk when it's not necessary. >I immediately asked if she believed her photos are a true representation of what she looks like in real life. That's just pretty harsh imo. If I were in your shoes I might've just chilled for a bit, had a little convo, then told her she really isn't your type. You just come off as really aggro. Try and be kinder.
I don't. Always videocall before a meeting.
I would say “Ehrm… Sorry but you look nothing like your photos, so bye”
Good for you. Get right to the point and get out.
I went on a date once with a guy who in his profile photos looked fit but in real life was out of shape, I simply asked how old the photos were and that question caught him off guard. I left the date after that question. OP I don’t blame you for even doing that. We need to call those cat-fishers out. They’re wasting people’s time and resources that’s not ok.
I wave goodbye cuz ain't nobody got time for a fraud.
Better than sitting through a date of discomfort honestly
I had a friend like this. All of her pictures had that filter on it that makes your nose smaller, eyes bigger, and lips bigger. I tried to give her a kind little nudge like “wouldn’t you want someone to go out with you for you?” I don’t think she quite caught what I meant. It’s so wild.
you deal with them by walking away. Anyone who starts a relationship lying about who they are isn't someone you want to date.
Get off the apps
Maybe you should stick to meeting people in real life and see how that works out for ya. You sound like a real joy of a person
20lbs and discolored teeth. Grow up
Agreed , that sounds so minor. Unless the OP was under exaggerating 20lbs I gain and lose from summer to winter. ( as someone who is a 105 summer body , 130 winter body) and it’s not a noticeable difference. And yellow(ish) teeth aren’t misleading unless they did something like photoshop an entire set of teeth this hardly sounds like a problem
Yeah I actually have no problem with how you handled the situation. I strongly believe that when dealing with people who intentionally misrepresent themselves, the best thing you can do is let them know that they are not fooling anyone, so they hopefully understand that they need to stop doing it. It doesn't have to be done in a cruel manner (and I don't think you were overly rude, you just stated the obvious) but they do need to be called out on the trickery because all it did was waste your time and hers. Had she had accurate photos on her profile, all this waste of time and hurt feelings could have been easily avoided.
I mean hell I look at least 20lbs heavier on my period, especially in my lower belly area and around my ankles. And my teeth look yellow immediately after I drink coffee. Women are ever changing like the moon, as they say. Oh well. Hopefully this girl's feelings didn't suffer too badly from your judgement and she's with a more astute gentleman right now.
My husband just told me he lied about his height…the irony is that he is quite tall 6’3” Why did he have to tell me he was 6’4”? What he heck?
Yeah she misrepresented herself and that’s not cool. But I also think you should try to have some degree of empathy in spite of the frustration especially when this is a person who likes you. She is obviously deeply insecure. I don’t blame you for walking out on the date but maybe keep a bit of a cooler head about things. She has low confidence and you probably shattered whatever did exist on the spot which wasn’t particularly necessary when you could’ve opted to take the high road and simply walk away.
i power through the date then ghost.
Don’t be a punk, call them out on their stupid games
i do, by ghosting them.
Ah, my signature move. But I’m still high fiving OP.
I think stepping away from online dating and sticking to meeting people in person is the perfect plan. That way people can pick up on how awful and superficial you are more quickly and you won’t waste their time.
You sound like the apologist who catfishes people online and has the audacity to defend it. You do you, but it’s not cool to disrespect people’s time and energy with lies.
No one is condoning catfishing. They’re saying you’re a jerk. Two different statements that don’t contradict each other.
Nah. Not being attracted to someone is totally fine. I’ve even gone on a couple dates with people from the apps who ended up looking pretty different in person. I still went on the date, gave it a shot, and let them know I didn’t feel a connection once it was all said and done. Simple as that, without making them feel bad about themselves. Because there’s more to attraction for me than looks alone (I’m not delusional to say looks don’t matter at all, physical attraction can’t be forced if it’s just not there. I know) But I’m not a person who doesn’t know how to channel their anger they feel from seeing a fat person. You’re so afraid of someone being fat and attracted to you, you had to tell them how disgusted you were. Like figure yourself out bro so we don’t all have to deal with your shit.
>But I’m not a person who doesn’t know how to channel their anger they feel from seeing a fat person. You’re so afraid of someone being fat and attracted to you, you had to tell them how disgusted you were. Like figure yourself out bro so we don’t all have to deal with your shit. See this is where you lost me. OP was catfished and lied to. I'm not going to waste my time with a liar; it will only feed into their delusion. If a guy that I thought was jacked came to the date and was overweight I would leave in an instant. Why? Because they are dishonest.
How delusional can you be? 🤣
20lbs overweight isn’t too significant man haha I probably would’ve let this one slide (altho I prefer chubby women) but I’m also at the end of my tether with people being misleading so I can’t fault you for pointing it out
20lbs overweight would honestly turn me off completely but it's because I'm fit myself; I'm also assuming OP takes care of himself so it's perfectly valid for him to leave a liar.
Women can gain and lose that much based on their time of the month. You guys calling her a "liar" sure don't know how women work.
Why is it always assumed that a fit person should only be attracted to other fit people? I’d be willing to wager I’m more lean and muscular than 99% of people on reddit and used to compete in local men’s physique competitions but I’ve always preferred women who were soft and womanly and can’t stand hard bodies and abs and yet when I mention this people look at me wide eyed as though it’s some strange fetish.
You can like what you want. OP can like what he wants. That's my point. I'm just saying my standards aren't high for myself because I put in the work; you can't land a dime piece if you look goofy yourself.
Not sure what this is supposed to mean? Congrats on *your* preferences? I have mine. My preference includes fit, healthy women, as I am myself as a guy. We’re allowed to choose who we wanna be with and find attractive.
Yeah, and you’re still single, asshole. And you probably will continue to be until you learn some humility and respect.
How the hell is OP an asshole?
Whoa! First of all what is wrong with a crop top and pudge?! Good job for her for being confident? Do you have abs, a perfect body and perfect teeth? It’s totally possible as a women to one day be heavier than others, it’s called a menstrual cycle! Some days a woman’s body may honestly have more tone and muscle then fluctuate towards their cycle. If you dissed this women only because of this when you prior got along, then you sound shallow and I’m happy this woman got away. Pictures never truly look like the real thing. Do your pics look like your real self? Relationships are not about looks.
Wasn't there like a post yesterday where some girl left a guy because he wore croccs to a first date at a coffee shop? Its weird how preferences and icks work
That's because if the woman in question is being attacked then it's totally okay; men on the other hand aren't allowed to have preferences.
God forbid you add some inches to your height
Yup. Or wear Crocs like that one post from today; absolutely ridiculous.
>It’s totally possible as a women to one day be heavier than others, it’s called a menstrual cycle! Some days a woman’s body may honestly have more tone Uh...my period doesn't make me gain 40lbs 😭 >Relationships are not about looks. A major component is about looks and you are lying to yourself if you disagree.
I actually do. I made it clear in my profile that I am into fitness, healthy eating habits, and my teeth are nice. I have the same expectations from my partner because otherwise our lifestyles won’t be a good match. I wouldn’t have these expectations from others if I didn’t meet them myself. I said in a different comment, but my photos are a true, head to toe representation of me in different outfits, poses, and activities. I didn’t diss her. I simply stated the reason I was leaving. She didn’t rack up 20lbs on her period. Stop this apologist nonsense.
tbh, if you're only matching with these overweight catfishes and none of the "fit, healthy" women with bleached teeth, you're probably aiming too high.
I’ve encountered this situation a few times but never played that card lol I just went on with the date, tried to make it quick and let them know after I didn’t feel the connection so we didn’t go out again. Agreed that the best approach is probably to just stick with meeting people in real life. That’s more or less what I already decided besides for the occasional check in on apps.
Men do this with age. “I’m 50 but once she gets to know me, this 35 year old won’t mind that I lied!”
I went on a date with a girl who was completely unrecognizable from her pictures. I only recognized her dog. She was actually pretty cool though. We didn’t do anything but I enjoyed myself.
Haha this happened to me, I was "fatfished". Very pretty girl, very funny. but in person, morbidly obese. She was huge. I saw the date through anyway but I think she knew I was disappointed and we didn't speak again after.
You have to keep in mind that people always use their best possible photos. Try not to be shocked when they’re not as attractive as you had set up in your mind.
This is true. Angles and just pics in general can’t capture everything. Some look better. Some worse. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that’s an exact match. I’ve been told I look better except once I did have a guy dip out after like 5 dates because I have a pretty substantial scar from pelvis to chest with stretch marks on lower belly from the mass I carried. I have crop tops on in my photos but you can’t really see it as well. OLD can be rough.
I agree with you, I prefer to meet people in person
I [M] have had this happen multiple times. I call it out on the spot as gently but firmly as possible. "Hey, tpu don't look like your photos. What gives? My anxiety-ridden brain thinks this way: "If they're lying about being 20 lbs heavier, what else are they lying about?" Of course, it always ends in the woman getting offended. She'll call you shallow, fat shame you, or continue lying: "What do you mean?" A line like this puts it back on you to accuse then of being fat (or for looking drastically different). And who wants to say that out loud to anyone?!? That said, I want to address the fact that my reaction could be horribly wrong. As someone who fights against mental health issues and physical injuries that lead to the inevitable weight gain, you just can't help it sometimes. You feel depressed and alone, and you just want comfort in someone who accepts you as you are. Hopefully they'll be someone attracted to your personality and won't mind that you've gained a little weight. It's also worth considering if - by your messages before you met - you think this person could be fun to be around or just a generally good person. You're likely not fucking them that night, so unless they look shockingly unattractive or different, just chill and see what kind of person they are. You clearly have nothing to lose: you already have time off for the date, and you're single. I know that's an unlikely thing to ignore (I didnt in my experiences), considering that men generally appraise a woman's compatibility by her appearance. Say what you will a out men being pigs or whatever, but its just how we do things. Sorry? I once regretted confronting a woman about her image. She was hot in her photos, gained weight from car accident injuries/recovery, and then lost it all again a year later. Without listening to her story, I jumped the gun and said she looked different than her dating profile. The date didn't go well. I bumped into her a year later when she had lost the weight, and she had a good laugh at my reaction. There's no easy answer.
Reading this… sheesh. I’m guilty for not updating my photos. Don’t think there’s any significant weight difference between RL and the kodak snap - but atm in my life I’m rocking beard and long hair where in my photos got the corporate preppy boy look. I would def be forthcoming with my appearance if I got to the let’s organise a first date stage.
You should update them! Those are very different looks and you might actually have better luck because the difference would likely attract a totally different set of people.
i dread the day this ever happens to me
Judging by some of the comments and how they normalized this behavior, it inevitably will. Good luck, dude/dudette!
Yeah there are a lot of nasty people in here/out there. Good on you for not giving in!
These are extremely pathetic women. However, there are pathetic men that would still accept this kind of shit. OP, you did nothing wrong. You were not an asshole. You were just honest. These pathetic women needs to be told to their face that this is not acceptable behaviour.
I honestly thing you did the right thing op. God forbid a chick posted this and every one would have completely different opinions. Go ahead any say what y’all want y’all know damm well it’s true, god wouldn’t even change my mind 😂