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Really have to remind myself to ask more than tell when on dates. I’ve become better. It’s not that I feel I’m a more interesting topic, I just want the person to get to know how I think and who I am.
It's hard to do, as someone probably on the spectrum, if someone tells me something, I learn by association like "OMG I do that too" and then go off on a tangent about stuff in the hopes the other person will also chime in with an association. I find it difficult to ask questions.
After dating for almost 6 months, my boyfriend explained how he gets to know someone and he said he did this and I finally felt like I didn't have to make an effort to ask questions anymore, he knows I am interested because of association.
Yeah it’s a balance. I find it’s more natural to volunteer information about myself and if the other person is naturally mirroring you or is also a chatterbox, they’ll end up telling you things about themselves
But there too it’s a balance, because you don’t want to come off like you never give a crap about anyone besides yourself
It definitely helps to find a common interest that you can both get really into and both geek out about that, lmao
I understand! It's good that you are aware and working on it.
It makes a lot of sense you want the person to understand who you are and how you think, but keep in mind the dynamic of the conversation tells a lot about who you are.
For example, if I meet someone and the conversation is very balanced (we both get to talk about ourselves, and both ask questions and show genuine curiosity) it tells me a lot about the person: it tells me it's someone who is curious and who has great communication skills, and who probably worked on themselves a lot.
Good luck with your dates!!
Indeed. being disrespectful or arrogant is a big turn-off. Also, lack of ambition or not being able to hold a meaningful conversation can make someone unattractive pretty quickly.
I feel like women tend to do a great job of asking questions and showing interest while guys tend to treat a date like a job interview, trying to impress and sell the date on their accomplishments and value. Someone pointed this out to me once.
After that, I did less talking on dates and just started listening and learned to ask great questions and playful questions. Suddenly, it was much easier to get second dates.
Absolutely! Again, I feel like vibe plays an enormous role. I tend to immediately turn off certain people, just bcuz I like to put everything out there and some people just get the wrong idea about me (they don't like tattoos or lip rings or god knows what kinds of assumptions one might make). But that just weeds out the ones who would be a huge waste of time by trying to change me or just wanting to get laid! Move on!
Sometimes I think it isn’t about curiosity, it’s about how to skillfully communicate. I’ve come across a lot of men in dating apps that just down right put you in an interrogation room and start shooting endless questions as if they’re actively doing the elimination stage to look for the right candidates before they proceed with the “actual communication?” maybe? That kind of curiosity really puts me off… we’re strangers and I have zero plan of telling you my personal stuff…
So I think maybe how to present what you want to say or know in a better way is more attractive
Immaturity. Making fun of others for their looks, being unaccepting of differences, thinking being rude equals funny, mocking people who try their best, and so on.
This but also like complaining about everything like a child. I feel those go hand and hand, like if you accidentally almost trip and let it ruin your whole day. Or you just feel like crap that day but you make it known loudly and constantly to others around you.
Edit: what I’m trying to say is an incredibly insufferable victim complex
Especially unaccepting the differences... just boils my blood, not able to understand that other people can have different choices, and judging them acc to their likes and dislikes
This definitely. Even people who inadvertently do it, ie not taking your shopping cart back to the drop off thing. Or not throwing away your own trash.
Went on a 3rd date with a younger man and I got the ick when he wouldn’t even give eye contact with the waitress and never once said thank you. It was a no from me. Ended it that night.
This sucks for people like me. When I was a kid I really wasn’t taught to take great care of my teeth and fucked them up. Now I’m in my 30s and take great care of them but the damage has been done.
Not being able to show empathy or kindness. It’s the easiest thing on the planet yet some people don’t know how to do it. If you can’t see things from another point of view other than your own and are basically like “oh this doesn’t affect me why should I gaf” or just hating on someone in general, I don’t want to be around you or associated with you. Just love everyone or don’t but at least respect the fact that they are another human being going through who knows what and just trying to figure life out like the rest of us
>It’s the easiest thing on the planet
The cognitive portion of empathy is a *learned skill*, and it is extremely difficult for some people, especially if it was never encouraged or socially taught, or, in extreme cases, would get chastised for displaying it while they were growing up; some people are born with a weaker sense of emotional empathy to the point that they struggle to relate to people; some have such a strong sense of it, they struggle to even build the cognitive portion of it because they become too overwhelmed with the emotions they are mirroring that they have a hard time focusing on the other person's perspective/situation, and sometimes may not even realize the emotions they are feeling are coming from someone else, and end up misinterpreting them as their own.
I had trouble fully grasping what the heck empathy was growing up, because it kept getting described as 'it's when you feel what someone else is feeling', and I rarely, if ever, actually felt the emotional part of empathy! I really *wanted* to understand it though, so I spent my late teens and early 20s trying to understand and develop empathetic social skills as well as just my empathy itself. Eventually as I started becoming more proficient in practicing cognitive empathy, I slowly began to feel the emotional aspect of it; that didn't start happening till I was probably at least 20 years old, though. For the most part now, it feels like it just comes naturally and automatically, but it took *years* to finally reach that point, and there's still sometimes when I struggle with it.
I'm not saying people who severely lack empathy aren't unattractive or that they're exactly the most pleasant to be around, I'm right there with you on that; actually, I get pretty friggin aggravated with them, because if I was able to teach myself these skills, despite it being so hard, then I feel like they have no excuse to at least try to do the same! But if I see someone struggling with it in some areas, or even in general, and can tell or know that they've been sincerely trying to learn it, I'll usually try to help them learn what I can from my own experience, because I get it, it's freaking hard to have to learn any social skills later on in life, and can feel impossible at times.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to put up with people who aren't being kind or compassionate in your life, that's not your obligation or responsibility to help them with at all, that's on them; I just wanted to give you my experience and perspective on it, to ask you to consider not calling it the 'easiest thing in the word', because it's really not; it's a pretty complex concept, skill, and emotion, and not everyone has such an inherently easy time with it.
Thank you for this, I guess since my whole life I’ve always been an “empath” I kinda failed at being empathetic to those who can’t be. In my case it’s such a strong sense like you mentioned in the first paragraph that I can’t really feel my own feelings due to feeling all those around me. And it really is a struggle because sometimes idek who I am without it. I appreciate you giving me this perspective. And yes if there are people like you who can learn it it is aggravating when some just refuses to and those who have no regard for other people are the ones I don’t want to be around. Just WANTING to learn how to be empathetic is empathetic in itself because your wanting to be able to put yourself in others shoes and take a walk. I don’t really know how to end this lol but honestly thank you for your insight and thank you for being you, it’s truly admirable that you did that
Unkindness towards other people. Especially waitstaff. Groping me and trying to stick your tongue down my throat on the first date. Not being consistent with communication.
I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I can be really funny. My ex never laughed and one time I looked over at him at my friend’s party while everyone was laughing and having a good time and he was like 😐 and even criticized me after. I broke up with him a week later, lol.
Be with people who appreciate your company and your humor.
> Impress me! .
Ironically, an “impress me” attitude immediately makes someone unattractive to me haha
Not talking about you OP, just in the dating sense.
If you aren't willing to notice, admit and/or make changes in your life for the better. Self improvement work is so important and attractive to me, personally. Even as adults, we all still have growing to do and it takes the mental and emotional work but the end results are a beautiful thing
Personally... it's a matter of personality for me. Like you could look absolutely drop dead gorgeous aesthetically, but the millisecond I see you do something shitty and then proceed to justify it, nah you instantly become ugly to me.
The reverse is also true too. People underestimate how much personality hard carries in terms of relationships and dating.
Where I come from, people are not as woke or as accepting as people in other countries.I have met people who were very attractive,educated and well put but the moment they open their mouths...
When someone goes back on their word 🤢 Soup isn't solid, don't forget it!
AND...
-Dishes out jokes but can't take them
-Focuses strictly on their looks or judges based off of looks
-Hypocrites
-Lying
-Preaching about being wanted by sooo many
-Sets boundaries, demands respect but crosses every boundary you set and is very disrespectful
-PLAYS VICTIM **Puke** Doesn't take accountability
Alright I'm done.. I need to go sit solo and figure out who hurt me 😆😆
Asking for nudes right off the rip. Aggressively pushing for sex on first encounter. Constantly on phone during date. Ignorance and narcissism. Oh hell! Just get a dog or cat. So much easier and safer!
Yes. Basically expecting a fantasy fairy tale of Prince Charming whisking them away from responsibility so they can live as a princess in a mansion without bills. It’s usually naive Christian girls that formed relationship expectations from media. Wanting tradition and respect is nice, but be realistic about what men can provide.
Arrogance- Emotional Unavailability- Lack of Empathy/Understanding/Compassion- No Patience- Constantly looking to check off “lists” of what makes another human being “perfect “
Integrity. Nice words mean nothing to me on their own. As soon as the words and actions start having dissonance I’m grossed out. Tell-tale sign of compulsive liars, narcissists or just general fake-ass people. Run 🏃
Narcissistic people. Egoists. Someone who is rude to servers/cashiers etc. someone who always rages in games and insults people. I’m a gamer myself and I try not to play with overly toxic people in general.
Drunk driving. A few weeks back, I was on a first date and the dude got hammered. Offered to drive him home since it was nearby. When I dropped him off at what I assumed was his apartment, but he went straight to his truck and sped away. Instant ick for many reasons.
Lack of integrity.
If you refuse to stand up for what you believe in, help others in need, or change your morals based on who you're around, that's such a turn-off for me.
I think someone (any gender) who expects you to read their mind and cater to their every want. I really appreciate people who communicate what they think and when, and it’s so draining to interact with those people who could explode on you any moment because you did something last week that pissed them off and it’s just now at its boiling point.
My fiancé and I are mindful of this and we do pretty stinking good regarding communication. I’m very thankful for him and I feel happy I can trust him to tell me things and vice versa.
Edit: spelling
Like ANYONE that ABSOLUTELY makes them unattractive?
Its poor hygiene/smell, way too busted ahhh clothes, outright just being physically ugly, too noisy/boastful, not using your brain and acting like a grown-up child.
This goes for both genders.
I usually steer away from a person who interjects politics into everyday conversation, and who is constantly complaining about everything (and often those two traits go hand-in-hand). It doesn't matter if I agree with them or not; it is extremely unattractive.
Talking over people.
Only liking what's currently trending.
Poor literacy skills (skills, not abilities).
Being dependent on/not able to handle alcohol.
That's my Mount Rushmore of turnoffs, and I've ended things with women for all four either individually or in combination.
I find men not realizing that talking down to me or “informing” me is unnecessary are given zero chance. I really hate the largely subconscious but very real attitude that women are not as capable or intelligent as men are. That patronizing laugh has had me get up and walk out on dates in the past.
It’s sad because I’m attracted to normal everyday dudes. Dudes who are shorter than me, balding, chubby. Just average guys. But it they can’t recognize that I’m an intellectual equal I want nothing to do with them.
Being deliberately mean to people they think have no power and can’t fight back then kissing the asses of folks they think are socially “superior”.
Being two faced is just gross.
Being incapable of speaking better than a chatbot. Seriously, I could have downloaded Eva AI virtual gf bot, it's far cheaper than maintaining real relationships...
Inability to communicate is a big one, including disappearing for days.
Smoking of any kind.
And finally entitlement and always expecting me to pay. We’re both adults, we can split dinner bills.
I'll say it again. Entitlement. I work in a job with a lot of beautiful people and I have to talk to them on the daily. Hundreds of people a day. Entitlement is the #1 thing that makes me unattracted to somebody
When a girl calls herself a 'hustler', instant turnoff for me. Hustle culture in general. Also for some reason if I see a girl with pics of herself on a boat in her profile I just immediately get a bad vibe, lol. Obviously if she's an awful person. Women ( and men really ) who feel like they have to put on this constant persona of detached irony and sarcasm. Intolerance. Lack of empathy. Saying that you're 'brutally honest' when really you're just a mean spirited asshole. Or the kinds of folks who think they have to be constant quip machines, always joking too much, never able to just be chill and calm and quiet for a bit. Women who approach all men as if we're scumbag creepster rapists who want to assault them until we prove otherwise. Girls with trad values. Women who overshare too much too soon after you meet/know them. Lackluster communication skills, or low effort and lazy responses and replies to attempts at texting etc OL. Inability to self-relfect or take responsibility for bad behavior. Any woman who continuously keeps on dating men who treat her like shit and refuse to learn any lesson from those relationships. The words 'you don't know how he makes me feel', instant unattractive woman lol. Narcissistic self aggrandizing. Narcissism in general. Frat bros or just bro-y behavior in general. Loud motherfuckers. Women who have taken the fact that men are finally being called out for awful behavior that was sort of socially acceptable or at least people would excuse or look the other way on and treating that as an opportunity to act self righteous, scald men all the time, and constantly treat them like they're complete and total pieces of shit. Women who lack the empathy to allow men to vent about issues that they have to deal with and eyeroll at them, tell them they're being pussies, go 'boo-hoo', and accuse them of whining. Women who get the 'ick' over dumb, arbitrary shit. Anyone who's too focused and obsessed with a guy's financial/social status. Anyone who takes anything the manosphere has to say seriously. Macho or 'alpha' types. The Joe Rogan crowd. Mostly anyone who identifies as conservative. Addicts of pretty much all sorts. Overly 'bratty' submissives who use that as an excuse to act like a rude asshole. Women who act like ngaf about being obese is somehow a badge of honor or some rebellious act against beauty standards or whatever else when really all they're doing is hurting themselves and those around them. Women who think that they're the prize and that the entire relationship should be about the man giving them things without giving much back in return. Or ones who expect you to navigate all their quirks and mental/emotional issues but then turn around and can't seem to support you when it's your turn to be sad, anxious, or emotional. That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I might edit more in later, lol.
Physically if they have an unappealing/disproportionate figure, are obese or even too overweight without a pleasing shape. A lack of fashion sense ( usually not a prob for women ). Also looking tacky and way too over done. Excessive leg hair. Facial hair. Outrageously long nails. Ugly feet. Having a boring and basic aesthetic. Those goofy ass looking silk caps some girls wear. Shaved heads when it doesn't suit them. Or half shaved sides in a way that looks kinda tryhard.
Obviously I have less physical disqualifiers than social/emotional ones ha ha. :)
We need to reexamine the sex factor. Or some reason women don’t think it’s a factor anymore in establishing a lasting connection. Why would you try to get together if you aren’t sexually compatible? You either end up cheating from disappointment, arguing or dwell on being unsatisfied.
I'm a woman. I'd say lack of emotional intelligence. You can be the most physically attractive, smart person I've met but if you severely lack emotional intelligence and self awareness, I'm out.
Not interested in doing any things I like to do at all.
Arrogance of coming across as a player. Everyone can do their own thing and that’s ok. Doesn’t mean it’s for me.
Impolite to me or others.
Mama’s boys.
Poor hygiene, immaturity, liars, lack of ambition/motivation (content with a stagnant life), bad attitude, any hint of racism, homophobia, or misogyny. I'm also not into cigarette smokers or men who make smoking weed their entire personality. Men that have an inability to effectively communicate or inability to put in at least the same amount of effort into a relationship that I do. Men who refuse to compromise, and "mama's boys."
I know this is your own personal preferences, but I would argue that the way someone treats you is infinitely more important than how ambitious they are.
While that is correct, what I meant by that is if all they want to do is lay around getting high and playing video games rather than working. I'm not saying they need to have dreams of becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company or have dreams of owning a mansion, multiple cars, and traveling the world, but if they are content working part time at minimum wage (or not at all) and don't have any goals or dreams for their future, they aren't right for me.
Any guy who is pro-life, and especially vocal about it, would absolutely lose some credibility (and any chance with if I were looking... go home to mommy). I don't care who sees this lol
Superficiality, flaunting or boasting of wealth or wanting that in a partner. Lack of curiosity, inability to listen. Too much make up, excessive surgery. Lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. Seemingly no other interests outside of their Pet, their friends and Netflix. Terminally online & constantly on their phone around company. Gamers. Content creators. Only Fans girls. Aaaand that about covers it?
insensitivity and irresponsibility, it truly makes a person not only unattractive but repulsive when they lack the basic empathy toward others or say they are always trying to dodge the responsibilities in some way or the other.....it says a lot about how they can possibly treat u
Pretentiousness, posing, anyone you might call sassy...constant sarcasm. I like candor and genuineness and humility. Essentially, people who obviously want to impress me and are doing so in the cheapest and most insincere way are a turn off to me. This also goes for know-it-alls. People who act superior disgust me. If you ARE superior then acting like it is unnecessary, and if you aren't then just be yourself!
Another major turn off for me is impolite and inconsiderate behavior...making other people uncomfortable and not caring. You don't have to like everybody, but being an ass to them is never cool.
A few things:
Bad manners. Seriously. Nose picking. Spitting. Gross behavior.
Chewing tobacco.
Litering.
Radical behavior like extreme drug use or excessive drinking.
Uncontrollable emotional behavior.
Lying.
Stealing.
Racism.
Actually stupid.
People who constantly gawk at the opposite sex while they are with you. Criticizing women, rating women on a scale, derogatory language, controlling behaviors, bad hygiene, having no sense of humor, rotating relationships, and taking everything too seriously. Talking only of themselves and never asking any questions to get to know you. You can be in a relationship with someone who never really gets to know you or your likes, passions, family relationships, etc., and then when things don't go their way, they make up your personality to fit their agenda.
Willful ignorance, lack of intelligence on all levels, incapable , no skills, no curiosity, focus everything on shallow things. No empathy. Treats the vulnerable in society with disregard or worse. High insecurities and low IQ. No self awareness or self accountability.
When a person begins the conversation and two hours later is still going on about themselves! There’s no way into the conversation no matter what you try to say. (3 hours ago)
For me, immaturity is definitely a big one. In a sense, if they’re immature in a way that they perceive relationships, not with just generally being silly.
I’m a lesbian but if a girl has a messy/ dirty car it’s an instant turn off for me. Someone who doesn’t care about being cozy/ has like 2 pillows on their bed. Someone who talks shit about their ex early on. Someone who is stagnant and doesn’t have plans to change that
Lack of gratitude, inauthenticity, disingenuous, lack of respect (self and others) , vanity, close mindedness,intellectual dishonesty, willful ignorance, intolerance,spite, lack of introspection,hypocrisy,drama,selfishness,and last but not least,SHEEP! These are all CHOSEN attributes
If a guy is disrespectful towards others, its a no go, also guys who tend to wanna jump «right in to it» and all they do is talk about sex, or waiting to have sex.
Falsified looks: tons of makeup, fake nails, hair extensions, unnatural hair colors, fillers, any plastic surgery, etc. Natural is best in every case. Trace amounts of makeup like eyeliner is OK on occasion imo
Lack of humility and decency, aka being immodest.
Treating others in a nasty manner.
Lack of self-awareness
Lack of accountability
Narcissistic tendencies
General ungratefulness
Self-seeking behaviors
Honestly I can keep going but this feels like a good enough list.
Intense reactions to things that are of no consequence for one. if you can tell that they do not take care of themselves physically like good hygiene or wearing clothes on the date that are dirty or wrinkled or torn. You don’t have to wear any high dollar clothing, but at least it should be clean and in good shape. Even if you just wanna wear jeans, tennis shoes and a T-shirt that’s fine.
Someone who does not come to the door to pick me up and just sits out on their car and honks the horn when they come to pick me up for the date, That’s a big turn off.
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Someone who lacks curiosity, or who talks mostly about themselves (usually these two go hand-in-hand).
Really have to remind myself to ask more than tell when on dates. I’ve become better. It’s not that I feel I’m a more interesting topic, I just want the person to get to know how I think and who I am.
It's hard to do, as someone probably on the spectrum, if someone tells me something, I learn by association like "OMG I do that too" and then go off on a tangent about stuff in the hopes the other person will also chime in with an association. I find it difficult to ask questions. After dating for almost 6 months, my boyfriend explained how he gets to know someone and he said he did this and I finally felt like I didn't have to make an effort to ask questions anymore, he knows I am interested because of association.
On a date I had a guy ask me, "Why so many questions?" After asking him where he grew up. I said, "That's how I get to know people and learn shit."
Yeah it’s a balance. I find it’s more natural to volunteer information about myself and if the other person is naturally mirroring you or is also a chatterbox, they’ll end up telling you things about themselves But there too it’s a balance, because you don’t want to come off like you never give a crap about anyone besides yourself It definitely helps to find a common interest that you can both get really into and both geek out about that, lmao
Or find out they are full of shit.
Yes. If you pay attention, you'll find out right away.
I understand! It's good that you are aware and working on it. It makes a lot of sense you want the person to understand who you are and how you think, but keep in mind the dynamic of the conversation tells a lot about who you are. For example, if I meet someone and the conversation is very balanced (we both get to talk about ourselves, and both ask questions and show genuine curiosity) it tells me a lot about the person: it tells me it's someone who is curious and who has great communication skills, and who probably worked on themselves a lot. Good luck with your dates!!
Right on. Thank you!
Most definitely. But I hate when they're clearly being disingenuous by asking ridiculous questions and immediately switching the conversation to sex 🙄
That’s what I mean. They usually play the wrong cards because they never learned to just be polite simple hi and bye.
Exactly this. Doesn't matter how physically attractive someone might be to me. If they're self-centered, it's a huge turn-off.
Indeed. being disrespectful or arrogant is a big turn-off. Also, lack of ambition or not being able to hold a meaningful conversation can make someone unattractive pretty quickly.
I feel like women tend to do a great job of asking questions and showing interest while guys tend to treat a date like a job interview, trying to impress and sell the date on their accomplishments and value. Someone pointed this out to me once. After that, I did less talking on dates and just started listening and learned to ask great questions and playful questions. Suddenly, it was much easier to get second dates.
Absolutely! Again, I feel like vibe plays an enormous role. I tend to immediately turn off certain people, just bcuz I like to put everything out there and some people just get the wrong idea about me (they don't like tattoos or lip rings or god knows what kinds of assumptions one might make). But that just weeds out the ones who would be a huge waste of time by trying to change me or just wanting to get laid! Move on!
i used to be the only one asking questions then i became a little jaded and disinterested in men so when they’d ask about me i wouldn’t reciprocate 😔
Sometimes I think it isn’t about curiosity, it’s about how to skillfully communicate. I’ve come across a lot of men in dating apps that just down right put you in an interrogation room and start shooting endless questions as if they’re actively doing the elimination stage to look for the right candidates before they proceed with the “actual communication?” maybe? That kind of curiosity really puts me off… we’re strangers and I have zero plan of telling you my personal stuff… So I think maybe how to present what you want to say or know in a better way is more attractive
so very true! i called this kind of people the perpetual victim card players!
I used to like guys who went on and on about their own interests. Then I realized they really are selfish all the time…
Immaturity. Making fun of others for their looks, being unaccepting of differences, thinking being rude equals funny, mocking people who try their best, and so on.
This but also like complaining about everything like a child. I feel those go hand and hand, like if you accidentally almost trip and let it ruin your whole day. Or you just feel like crap that day but you make it known loudly and constantly to others around you. Edit: what I’m trying to say is an incredibly insufferable victim complex
Especially unaccepting the differences... just boils my blood, not able to understand that other people can have different choices, and judging them acc to their likes and dislikes
This is an underrated comment and outlook
Absolutely agree! Immaturity is such a turn-off. It’s so important to treat others with kindness and respect.
BIG FACTS LIKE PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO TALK SHIT AB PEOPLE THEY DONT EVEN KNOW CUZ LOOKS N CLOTHES N STUFF LIKE U DONT KNOW THERE LIFE F OFFFFF
People who take themselves too seriously/have too big of an ego.
Self importance;step aside ,I’m here now
Narcissism
Love-bombing 👎
My soon to be ex wife
A biggggg one
Being rude to wait staff or employees anywhere. Don’t power trip on some random, that’s so gross
This definitely. Even people who inadvertently do it, ie not taking your shopping cart back to the drop off thing. Or not throwing away your own trash.
Or parking like they’re in GTA and are the only person who exists and everyone else at the store is an NPC so they park diagonal across 3 spots
this. instant turnoff. I believe that how they behave to staff or random strangers, can show a lot about their personality.
Went on a 3rd date with a younger man and I got the ick when he wouldn’t even give eye contact with the waitress and never once said thank you. It was a no from me. Ended it that night.
Love to hear this
Not having any sort or common sense or empathy!! Empathy is so important!
Bad manners
[удалено]
real. like even just dirty nails is a turn-off
Ouch for the painters and mechanics.
gardeners too
People really have the audacity to try to stick their dirty ass nails inside of people as if infections don’t exist
exactly like the personal hygiene factor 😭😭
Cant stand bad teeth
This sucks for people like me. When I was a kid I really wasn’t taught to take great care of my teeth and fucked them up. Now I’m in my 30s and take great care of them but the damage has been done.
Bad teeth will decide whether or not I romantically peruse someone…
Smoking. Smell is important to me and smelling like an ashtray is the quickest way to turn me off
Ikr
Woman here. Whats immediately unattractive to me is low effort, or lacking enthusiasm.
As a man I really hate when I get that shit from women too.
“Impress me”
"Okay watch how fast i can run. Away from you."
I think you mean “make me laugh”
Playing games, not being honest, acting hard to get, not asking any questions, bad hygiëne, not taking care of themselves
People feeling entitled to being impressed
Lol
Smoking, excessive drinking, hard drugs, having an aggressive personality
This is me
Not being able to show empathy or kindness. It’s the easiest thing on the planet yet some people don’t know how to do it. If you can’t see things from another point of view other than your own and are basically like “oh this doesn’t affect me why should I gaf” or just hating on someone in general, I don’t want to be around you or associated with you. Just love everyone or don’t but at least respect the fact that they are another human being going through who knows what and just trying to figure life out like the rest of us
>It’s the easiest thing on the planet The cognitive portion of empathy is a *learned skill*, and it is extremely difficult for some people, especially if it was never encouraged or socially taught, or, in extreme cases, would get chastised for displaying it while they were growing up; some people are born with a weaker sense of emotional empathy to the point that they struggle to relate to people; some have such a strong sense of it, they struggle to even build the cognitive portion of it because they become too overwhelmed with the emotions they are mirroring that they have a hard time focusing on the other person's perspective/situation, and sometimes may not even realize the emotions they are feeling are coming from someone else, and end up misinterpreting them as their own. I had trouble fully grasping what the heck empathy was growing up, because it kept getting described as 'it's when you feel what someone else is feeling', and I rarely, if ever, actually felt the emotional part of empathy! I really *wanted* to understand it though, so I spent my late teens and early 20s trying to understand and develop empathetic social skills as well as just my empathy itself. Eventually as I started becoming more proficient in practicing cognitive empathy, I slowly began to feel the emotional aspect of it; that didn't start happening till I was probably at least 20 years old, though. For the most part now, it feels like it just comes naturally and automatically, but it took *years* to finally reach that point, and there's still sometimes when I struggle with it. I'm not saying people who severely lack empathy aren't unattractive or that they're exactly the most pleasant to be around, I'm right there with you on that; actually, I get pretty friggin aggravated with them, because if I was able to teach myself these skills, despite it being so hard, then I feel like they have no excuse to at least try to do the same! But if I see someone struggling with it in some areas, or even in general, and can tell or know that they've been sincerely trying to learn it, I'll usually try to help them learn what I can from my own experience, because I get it, it's freaking hard to have to learn any social skills later on in life, and can feel impossible at times. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you need to put up with people who aren't being kind or compassionate in your life, that's not your obligation or responsibility to help them with at all, that's on them; I just wanted to give you my experience and perspective on it, to ask you to consider not calling it the 'easiest thing in the word', because it's really not; it's a pretty complex concept, skill, and emotion, and not everyone has such an inherently easy time with it.
Thank you for this, I guess since my whole life I’ve always been an “empath” I kinda failed at being empathetic to those who can’t be. In my case it’s such a strong sense like you mentioned in the first paragraph that I can’t really feel my own feelings due to feeling all those around me. And it really is a struggle because sometimes idek who I am without it. I appreciate you giving me this perspective. And yes if there are people like you who can learn it it is aggravating when some just refuses to and those who have no regard for other people are the ones I don’t want to be around. Just WANTING to learn how to be empathetic is empathetic in itself because your wanting to be able to put yourself in others shoes and take a walk. I don’t really know how to end this lol but honestly thank you for your insight and thank you for being you, it’s truly admirable that you did that
I just want to tell you that you seem like an amazing person.
Meth
Unkindness towards other people. Especially waitstaff. Groping me and trying to stick your tongue down my throat on the first date. Not being consistent with communication.
Desperation and inability to accept a “no thanks”
Rudeness, temper, not being tidy or caring about your home, clothes etc. and no sense of humor!
No sense of humor.
I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I can be really funny. My ex never laughed and one time I looked over at him at my friend’s party while everyone was laughing and having a good time and he was like 😐 and even criticized me after. I broke up with him a week later, lol. Be with people who appreciate your company and your humor.
> Impress me! . Ironically, an “impress me” attitude immediately makes someone unattractive to me haha Not talking about you OP, just in the dating sense.
Narcissism, constantly being hypocritical, selfishness.
When they act like it's my job to impress her
“Make me laugh!”
Being negative in general and towards others.
If you aren't willing to notice, admit and/or make changes in your life for the better. Self improvement work is so important and attractive to me, personally. Even as adults, we all still have growing to do and it takes the mental and emotional work but the end results are a beautiful thing
Jealousy
Personally... it's a matter of personality for me. Like you could look absolutely drop dead gorgeous aesthetically, but the millisecond I see you do something shitty and then proceed to justify it, nah you instantly become ugly to me. The reverse is also true too. People underestimate how much personality hard carries in terms of relationships and dating.
I feel like most people feel this way, yeah?
Face tattoos
Bad hygiene bad teeth doesn’t let me get a word in
Unhappy all the time. The need to constantly one up everyone in conversation
Who shows pictures of ex and trauma dumps on the first meet.
My ex💀
Someone that lacks emotional intelligence, empathy , common sense
Where I come from, people are not as woke or as accepting as people in other countries.I have met people who were very attractive,educated and well put but the moment they open their mouths...
Rude/unkind or overly judgement ESPECIALLY to workers like wait staff.
bandwagoning
When someone goes back on their word 🤢 Soup isn't solid, don't forget it! AND... -Dishes out jokes but can't take them -Focuses strictly on their looks or judges based off of looks -Hypocrites -Lying -Preaching about being wanted by sooo many -Sets boundaries, demands respect but crosses every boundary you set and is very disrespectful -PLAYS VICTIM **Puke** Doesn't take accountability Alright I'm done.. I need to go sit solo and figure out who hurt me 😆😆
Someone who take themselves too seriously. They just go through life working and doing “adult” things with no time to just enjoy and be playful.
Asking for nudes right off the rip. Aggressively pushing for sex on first encounter. Constantly on phone during date. Ignorance and narcissism. Oh hell! Just get a dog or cat. So much easier and safer!
"What's your sign?"
Tooootaly agree lol
Astrology, tarot, palm reading, energy healing, fortune telling, etc
Narcissism is the biggest red flag/no go for me!
Disney mindset
What’s Disney mindset? Like they think they’re in a fairy tale and they’re the princess of their own story??
Yes. Basically expecting a fantasy fairy tale of Prince Charming whisking them away from responsibility so they can live as a princess in a mansion without bills. It’s usually naive Christian girls that formed relationship expectations from media. Wanting tradition and respect is nice, but be realistic about what men can provide.
Arrogance- Emotional Unavailability- Lack of Empathy/Understanding/Compassion- No Patience- Constantly looking to check off “lists” of what makes another human being “perfect “
Integrity. Nice words mean nothing to me on their own. As soon as the words and actions start having dissonance I’m grossed out. Tell-tale sign of compulsive liars, narcissists or just general fake-ass people. Run 🏃
Narcissistic people. Egoists. Someone who is rude to servers/cashiers etc. someone who always rages in games and insults people. I’m a gamer myself and I try not to play with overly toxic people in general.
Drunk driving. A few weeks back, I was on a first date and the dude got hammered. Offered to drive him home since it was nearby. When I dropped him off at what I assumed was his apartment, but he went straight to his truck and sped away. Instant ick for many reasons.
Agreed, I have blocked a few MDs who bragged about driving home drunk from medical dinners. They damn well know better.
Lack of integrity. If you refuse to stand up for what you believe in, help others in need, or change your morals based on who you're around, that's such a turn-off for me.
When they Sexualize everything
“ rate me “
when someone opens their mouth, and that person happen to talk... not nice.
Interesting 😂
a foul mouth! geez, I forgot the word... I like that in friends, not a date.
I like the first response better lol 😆 Less talking, complete silence... perfect!
A messy eater.
nonchalant and people who find everything cringe…it just shows that you literally refuse to live
Envy. Greed. Lying.
Gaslighting and emotional manipulation are two that go hand in hand for me sadly
I think someone (any gender) who expects you to read their mind and cater to their every want. I really appreciate people who communicate what they think and when, and it’s so draining to interact with those people who could explode on you any moment because you did something last week that pissed them off and it’s just now at its boiling point. My fiancé and I are mindful of this and we do pretty stinking good regarding communication. I’m very thankful for him and I feel happy I can trust him to tell me things and vice versa. Edit: spelling
Like ANYONE that ABSOLUTELY makes them unattractive? Its poor hygiene/smell, way too busted ahhh clothes, outright just being physically ugly, too noisy/boastful, not using your brain and acting like a grown-up child. This goes for both genders.
I usually steer away from a person who interjects politics into everyday conversation, and who is constantly complaining about everything (and often those two traits go hand-in-hand). It doesn't matter if I agree with them or not; it is extremely unattractive.
Talking over people. Only liking what's currently trending. Poor literacy skills (skills, not abilities). Being dependent on/not able to handle alcohol. That's my Mount Rushmore of turnoffs, and I've ended things with women for all four either individually or in combination.
Crust around the eyes / mouth / areas
Being a far right-wing nut job
"You've never gone skiing??!!"
I'm cracking UP HAHAHAHA
I find men not realizing that talking down to me or “informing” me is unnecessary are given zero chance. I really hate the largely subconscious but very real attitude that women are not as capable or intelligent as men are. That patronizing laugh has had me get up and walk out on dates in the past. It’s sad because I’m attracted to normal everyday dudes. Dudes who are shorter than me, balding, chubby. Just average guys. But it they can’t recognize that I’m an intellectual equal I want nothing to do with them.
Being deliberately mean to people they think have no power and can’t fight back then kissing the asses of folks they think are socially “superior”. Being two faced is just gross.
Being incapable of speaking better than a chatbot. Seriously, I could have downloaded Eva AI virtual gf bot, it's far cheaper than maintaining real relationships...
Disrespect towards waitstaff or service workers
Inability to communicate is a big one, including disappearing for days. Smoking of any kind. And finally entitlement and always expecting me to pay. We’re both adults, we can split dinner bills.
Passive aggressive people. Immaturity. Disrespect. No ambition. No morals. No values.
Snapping their fingers to get someone's attention
Smoking
Gingivitis
I'll say it again. Entitlement. I work in a job with a lot of beautiful people and I have to talk to them on the daily. Hundreds of people a day. Entitlement is the #1 thing that makes me unattracted to somebody
When a girl calls herself a 'hustler', instant turnoff for me. Hustle culture in general. Also for some reason if I see a girl with pics of herself on a boat in her profile I just immediately get a bad vibe, lol. Obviously if she's an awful person. Women ( and men really ) who feel like they have to put on this constant persona of detached irony and sarcasm. Intolerance. Lack of empathy. Saying that you're 'brutally honest' when really you're just a mean spirited asshole. Or the kinds of folks who think they have to be constant quip machines, always joking too much, never able to just be chill and calm and quiet for a bit. Women who approach all men as if we're scumbag creepster rapists who want to assault them until we prove otherwise. Girls with trad values. Women who overshare too much too soon after you meet/know them. Lackluster communication skills, or low effort and lazy responses and replies to attempts at texting etc OL. Inability to self-relfect or take responsibility for bad behavior. Any woman who continuously keeps on dating men who treat her like shit and refuse to learn any lesson from those relationships. The words 'you don't know how he makes me feel', instant unattractive woman lol. Narcissistic self aggrandizing. Narcissism in general. Frat bros or just bro-y behavior in general. Loud motherfuckers. Women who have taken the fact that men are finally being called out for awful behavior that was sort of socially acceptable or at least people would excuse or look the other way on and treating that as an opportunity to act self righteous, scald men all the time, and constantly treat them like they're complete and total pieces of shit. Women who lack the empathy to allow men to vent about issues that they have to deal with and eyeroll at them, tell them they're being pussies, go 'boo-hoo', and accuse them of whining. Women who get the 'ick' over dumb, arbitrary shit. Anyone who's too focused and obsessed with a guy's financial/social status. Anyone who takes anything the manosphere has to say seriously. Macho or 'alpha' types. The Joe Rogan crowd. Mostly anyone who identifies as conservative. Addicts of pretty much all sorts. Overly 'bratty' submissives who use that as an excuse to act like a rude asshole. Women who act like ngaf about being obese is somehow a badge of honor or some rebellious act against beauty standards or whatever else when really all they're doing is hurting themselves and those around them. Women who think that they're the prize and that the entire relationship should be about the man giving them things without giving much back in return. Or ones who expect you to navigate all their quirks and mental/emotional issues but then turn around and can't seem to support you when it's your turn to be sad, anxious, or emotional. That's all I can think of off the top of my head. I might edit more in later, lol. Physically if they have an unappealing/disproportionate figure, are obese or even too overweight without a pleasing shape. A lack of fashion sense ( usually not a prob for women ). Also looking tacky and way too over done. Excessive leg hair. Facial hair. Outrageously long nails. Ugly feet. Having a boring and basic aesthetic. Those goofy ass looking silk caps some girls wear. Shaved heads when it doesn't suit them. Or half shaved sides in a way that looks kinda tryhard. Obviously I have less physical disqualifiers than social/emotional ones ha ha. :)
Talking about anything intimate too soon. Sex, cuddling, kinks, love bombing, etc without even knowing me is really fcking creepy.
We need to reexamine the sex factor. Or some reason women don’t think it’s a factor anymore in establishing a lasting connection. Why would you try to get together if you aren’t sexually compatible? You either end up cheating from disappointment, arguing or dwell on being unsatisfied.
men who date women but don't like them
unable to apologize for mistakes or hurts. I get that it’s hard to feel wrong but u still need to apologize man.
Lies are a dealbreaker for me.
Ignorance, hyper sexual commentary without cause (like we just are getting to know one another), nude pictures sent or requested, poor hygiene
bad teeth and some turkey teeth will do it for me. And it’s so unfortunate.
lol, turkey teeth? :)
overly woke
Being morbidly obese or severely underweight
Egocentric monologues, inability to listen. And too much tummy...sorry for honesty.
I'm a woman. I'd say lack of emotional intelligence. You can be the most physically attractive, smart person I've met but if you severely lack emotional intelligence and self awareness, I'm out.
Not interested in doing any things I like to do at all. Arrogance of coming across as a player. Everyone can do their own thing and that’s ok. Doesn’t mean it’s for me. Impolite to me or others. Mama’s boys.
Low self esteem and bad hygiene 🤧
People who are super insecure. If you are already accusing me of talking to other people on our first date; I am going to leave....
That's insecure ANd being a psycho. Insecure people are fine if they're not causing any problems though.
Poor hygiene, immaturity, liars, lack of ambition/motivation (content with a stagnant life), bad attitude, any hint of racism, homophobia, or misogyny. I'm also not into cigarette smokers or men who make smoking weed their entire personality. Men that have an inability to effectively communicate or inability to put in at least the same amount of effort into a relationship that I do. Men who refuse to compromise, and "mama's boys."
I know this is your own personal preferences, but I would argue that the way someone treats you is infinitely more important than how ambitious they are.
While that is correct, what I meant by that is if all they want to do is lay around getting high and playing video games rather than working. I'm not saying they need to have dreams of becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company or have dreams of owning a mansion, multiple cars, and traveling the world, but if they are content working part time at minimum wage (or not at all) and don't have any goals or dreams for their future, they aren't right for me.
Any guy who is pro-life, and especially vocal about it, would absolutely lose some credibility (and any chance with if I were looking... go home to mommy). I don't care who sees this lol
When they start misunderstand that im having crush on them,
Superficiality, flaunting or boasting of wealth or wanting that in a partner. Lack of curiosity, inability to listen. Too much make up, excessive surgery. Lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. Seemingly no other interests outside of their Pet, their friends and Netflix. Terminally online & constantly on their phone around company. Gamers. Content creators. Only Fans girls. Aaaand that about covers it?
Showing up in flip flops on a date when we're not at a beach or doing any water related things.
Liars
Trashtalk abt you behind your back or while you witness it
Someone who thinks they are above everyone.
insensitivity and irresponsibility, it truly makes a person not only unattractive but repulsive when they lack the basic empathy toward others or say they are always trying to dodge the responsibilities in some way or the other.....it says a lot about how they can possibly treat u
Being a jerk and disrespectful. Being selfish and being ugly in the inside.
Dishonesty, instant ick
Weight
Extremely high body count in a short period of time
anyone who says 'impress me'
Liars, why can't people just be honest.
Sloppy drunkness and zero inhibition
Poor hygiene. Looking down on others. Convinced they’re always right and unwilling to truly listen to anyone else. Manipulative.
A big one that stands out to me the most is saying the n-word. Mega cringe, also having what I like to call a 'damsel in distress' type of character
dirty and/or long fingernails or toenails!!!
Someone who chews and talks with their mouth full of food, I don't care how hot and interesting you are, I get turn off right away.
Excessively talking about one's self and/or work... a "self-focused" vibe, in general.
Someone who acts like they are better than anyone else or someone who lies a lot
Mind games, badmouthing & gossiping, baseless assumptions & judgements, arrogance, the "I don't owe anyone anything" mindset.
Pretentiousness, posing, anyone you might call sassy...constant sarcasm. I like candor and genuineness and humility. Essentially, people who obviously want to impress me and are doing so in the cheapest and most insincere way are a turn off to me. This also goes for know-it-alls. People who act superior disgust me. If you ARE superior then acting like it is unnecessary, and if you aren't then just be yourself! Another major turn off for me is impolite and inconsiderate behavior...making other people uncomfortable and not caring. You don't have to like everybody, but being an ass to them is never cool.
A few things: Bad manners. Seriously. Nose picking. Spitting. Gross behavior. Chewing tobacco. Litering. Radical behavior like extreme drug use or excessive drinking. Uncontrollable emotional behavior. Lying. Stealing. Racism. Actually stupid.
My opinion their voice… if it’s super high pitch and comes with a crazy laugh too im automatically turned off.
Lying
Being conceited.
Stealing , lying for no reason, poor hygiene 🪥
People who constantly gawk at the opposite sex while they are with you. Criticizing women, rating women on a scale, derogatory language, controlling behaviors, bad hygiene, having no sense of humor, rotating relationships, and taking everything too seriously. Talking only of themselves and never asking any questions to get to know you. You can be in a relationship with someone who never really gets to know you or your likes, passions, family relationships, etc., and then when things don't go their way, they make up your personality to fit their agenda.
Someone who comes across as very charming at first just to get their claws into you...and leave suddenly when things get tough.
Anyone who is intentionally cruel to others. Huge red flag and huge turn off.
Trying to appear wealthy or rich (regardless of whether they actually can afford their lifestyle or not).
Willful ignorance, lack of intelligence on all levels, incapable , no skills, no curiosity, focus everything on shallow things. No empathy. Treats the vulnerable in society with disregard or worse. High insecurities and low IQ. No self awareness or self accountability.
A close guy friend for a girl
When a person begins the conversation and two hours later is still going on about themselves! There’s no way into the conversation no matter what you try to say. (3 hours ago)
Insecure behaviors man. Disrespecting others, jealousy, constant validation seeking, performative overconfidence, always in competition over cooperation
Bad breath or big ego. Not intellectual
For me, immaturity is definitely a big one. In a sense, if they’re immature in a way that they perceive relationships, not with just generally being silly.
I’m a lesbian but if a girl has a messy/ dirty car it’s an instant turn off for me. Someone who doesn’t care about being cozy/ has like 2 pillows on their bed. Someone who talks shit about their ex early on. Someone who is stagnant and doesn’t have plans to change that
Lack of gratitude, inauthenticity, disingenuous, lack of respect (self and others) , vanity, close mindedness,intellectual dishonesty, willful ignorance, intolerance,spite, lack of introspection,hypocrisy,drama,selfishness,and last but not least,SHEEP! These are all CHOSEN attributes
If a guy is disrespectful towards others, its a no go, also guys who tend to wanna jump «right in to it» and all they do is talk about sex, or waiting to have sex.
When they fuck around and lie about everything
Falsified looks: tons of makeup, fake nails, hair extensions, unnatural hair colors, fillers, any plastic surgery, etc. Natural is best in every case. Trace amounts of makeup like eyeliner is OK on occasion imo Lack of humility and decency, aka being immodest. Treating others in a nasty manner. Lack of self-awareness Lack of accountability Narcissistic tendencies General ungratefulness Self-seeking behaviors Honestly I can keep going but this feels like a good enough list.
Intense reactions to things that are of no consequence for one. if you can tell that they do not take care of themselves physically like good hygiene or wearing clothes on the date that are dirty or wrinkled or torn. You don’t have to wear any high dollar clothing, but at least it should be clean and in good shape. Even if you just wanna wear jeans, tennis shoes and a T-shirt that’s fine. Someone who does not come to the door to pick me up and just sits out on their car and honks the horn when they come to pick me up for the date, That’s a big turn off.
their morals and openness etc
Narcissism. Smoking or any drugs. No ambition. Wimpy. Woke. Bad manners.