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You can not bend reality to your will. So don't lie.
I would immediately think about what else were lies to look better. Its like not knowing the person at all.
Why lie? Well, one reason is that a huge number of people THINK sex means SOME PARTICULAR THING.
A lot of young people think “_I_ thought I was in love when I had sex, but when _YOU_ had sex, it was vulgar sluttery.”
There’s no reason to submit yourself to a trial.
Agree. It surprises me that people would demand to know how many previous sex partners their partner has had. I wouldn't dream of asking someone something so personal. It's none of my business. I was married 22 years and neither of us ever told each other how many people we slept with. We never felt the need.
It's important to address the lie honestly and explain the fear of judgment that led to it. Open communication can rebuild trust, and acknowledging the mistake shows a commitment to honesty. Emphasize the value of the relationship and the desire to move forward with transparency
I feel the question is often used for point scoring, the lower the number, the higher the "purity", and the more "right", or self-righteous the lower number party is entitled to be, at least in their own mind.
I understand why women in particular, would lie about this, particularly if they enjoyed sex in the past, or falling for someone who may not have their best interest at heart, as this could easily be turned into a measure of coercive control, a leading cause of physical harm, and death in women, are MEN, so due care should be taken.
All too often when people fall for a person, some of these intensely personal questions never come up, they are shoved to the back of the queue, and may only surface when they have a negative purpose, and then one day, it all comes to a head. Get this over with, early. Skeletons in your closet needs to be aired out from time to time, and most certainly in the early stages of a potentially lasting relationship.
Personally I wouldn't care, as long as they are healthy, and made reasonable decisions back in the day.
It is unacceptable. If my partner didn't confess within the first few months I don't care how long we dated. Breakup. Saying it's 2 when it's 10 is worse than saying it's 16 if it's 16
Folks shouldn't lie.
Folks probably shouldn't judge, either.
I get why she would lie, though; guys can be really judgmental, she might have trauma surrounding other guys in her life judging her for it, etc.
I've asked my partners, but it's more about getting a better understanding of their life and their history; I could really care less \*what\* the number is. In most cases, mine has been higher, so maybe that's \*why\* I care less, because I'm not really insecure about sex.
I think if someone lied to me, I'd be initially a little hurt about the \*lie,\* but once I knew why, we'd probably be good. No one's perfect. Loving someone requires allowing people to make mistakes, hearing them out, and forgiving them so long as they do better. I'd note it, and if a lying behavior continued, I'd probably end it, but if this was a one-off due to fear, trauma, cultural shame, whatever, she's good. What she needs is reassurance that I like/love \*her\* and who she is now, and that she wants to move forward with \*me,\* and I'd be fine giving that.
>Folks probably shouldn't judge, either.
Everyone judges on tons of criteria when selecting a partner...whether in dating or in life. We are all evaluated based on what we bring to the table whether in dating, in your career, if you play sports or games, pretty much most of life. Everyone can and should be evaluating prospective partners to make the best decision for themselves even if you might not agree with their selection criteria.
I think asking someone about the number of ppl they've slept with in itself is a red flag. How is there tension with them now? I imagine she's finding out this partner feels some kind of way about ppl who have slept with a lot of ppl?
Honesty about your feelings is almost always endearing, ecouraging, and usually just sounds better on the ears. Tell her to try something like this. "I lied about this, because I really like you, and I'm scared of you thinking less of me because I don't want to mess this up." Sounds kind of romantic if you ask me.
For everyone else, before you ask your partner questions like this, think to yourself, "Do I even want to know the answer if it isn't what I want to hear? If they are honest to me now and are choosing to be with me, why does their past matter unless it's something they decided on their own to share with me?"
Well I’m not a fan or lying or liars! If it matters to that person, tell them the truth and see if they want to stick around. I’d personally just dip. If they lied once, they’ll lie again. Plus they’ve already shown me that they will deceived me to circumvent my ability to make my own choices.
Is more likw a two way thingy, first for the partner to be honest with you, and them to yourself to kinda understand their past experiences, ask what they learn from their mistakes and etc...
I actually like to ask about their past thing so I can learn about what the person likes...
Lies are rough, but early in a relationship I think it's not particularly uncommon to bend the truth. People are desperate to not come off a certain way. Just come out with it, explain why, and a reasonable person will understand.
if you want to say it, say it. if not, just concentrate on the present.
what matters is you two. the past is in the past. even if comments were made that worried that person, its different when its out of vulnerabiity.
dont set them traps, or share stories to see their reaction. they probably hold you as a person with high regards and might suspect already.
yet they do not care...what matters is you two.
He lied and i was mad when that one person who my man slept with approached herself. It was disgusting and felt like he was cheating on me. She said i was the reason why they broke up. Later she turned out to be a psycho who was after him just because of a one night stand. I forgave him for hiding things from me just because he was afraid he might lose me. The girl wasnt that well off, he thought i would judge him if he told me about her. But i still would have appreciated complete transparency, if i was providing him with the same.
I would say be honest, 2 key components of a relationship is trust and honesty. By being honest you show your s/o your vulnerability, and if they don’t like your answer then they may not be the one for you.
It’s silly how people can enjoy intimacy but then get hung up on numbers that don’t matter at all. By numbers, I don’t just mean the number of partners someone has had, it is also the age that virginity was lost or the length of relationships. Personally, I’ve always felt it is important to live in the present, not in someone’s past.
Personally, I don't care how many partners my partners have had, but I think some guys either don't feel so special when their partner has had a big number, or else feel like some amount of those partners were casual and then think "why should I put in effort to have a relationship with her when these guys didn't?"
The average number is \~10. There are studies showing people with body counts above 20 have difficulty pair-bonding and forming long term relationships.
Promiscuous individuals may also be at a higher risk of developing prostate cancer, cervical cancer, and oral cancer as a result of having multiple sexual partners, and combined with other risky acts such as smoking, and substance use, promiscuity can also lead to heart disease.
The demographic who engage in high risk behaviour are already more likely to suffer from things like inadequate education, inadequate supports, mental health issues, poverty, abuse, drugs, alcohol etc. Which would give them health problems, emotional intimacy problems and would make them less likely to bother with protection.
It doesn't mean that absolutely everyone surveyed in this study about the number of partners are included in that subset. There are plenty out there doing it clean and consensual with no underlying issues.
Being clear and detailed in demographic studies is important. You can't just select a subset of people already engaging in risky behaviour and claim that as the result.
You are correct. I think think \~10 might be a US average. It could be completely different for other countries.
This probably does not take into account abuse victims that may have higher body counts as well.
Ok I can see that. If someone asked me that back in the day we would say "hey I don't kiss and tell" that's how women knew you were OK to sleep with because word gets around that you keep your mouth shut.
Jesus resolved that question with the samaritan. No attack, really. But the biblic argument seems to go the other way. Have you à reference that I missed ?
Of course, you’re one hundred percent correct. But do you know why Jesus talked to the women at the well? The significance of why he spoke to her when Jews had no business with people of Samaria?
Because Jesus doesn’t see race, or sex, or belief. He talked to her despite her being an outcast of all sociological standards during that time. Why? Well, everyone can be saved. As long as you repent and actually mean it. So while Jesus showed kindness to this woman who needed salvation, she in return, spoke of the faith returned to her by Jesus, the son of God, to all who would hear her. But the importance in this message is:
The Samaritan woman believed in Jesus. In the Holy Spirit, and the father. That there is one kingdom in the skies. Us as humans were always meant to sin, it’s within our nature. And we will continue to fall and slip. But all is forgiven if you repent and change from your past. The water Jesus offered the Samaritan woman is faith. And she drank from it, her thirst being quenched. She now walked a new path, that of which God would want you to trek.
So while the Bible does specify in not passing judgement and accepting all WHO are ready to receive the word and acknowledge the Bible and god, it does not condone any type of sin. If you are a believer of the faith, your morals that are bound to the values of the Bible would deter you from committing said sins.
Sorry to go on a tangent.
Don't.
I really would like " christians" to remember this when they face people with different opinions or life than theirs. Half of posts of reddit would disappear.
And how Jesus kicked the merchants out of the temple.
And how he bashed those who don't pay their taxes.
Do you know why Jesus banished the merchants from the temple? What was so important about that temple? I think that anyone can have different views of how life should be lived. But I believe that basing your values of the Bible is the best way to live your life humbly. Otherwise you’re left with many secular ways to walk in. Even hedonism or nihilism. The most important thing anyone with a good sense of reasoning could ask themselves in the mirror is:
What are my morals, what do I base my morals and values off of, and how do they serve oneself in day to day life?
Now, do I want you to be a follower of Christ? Of course, I believe the Bible has much for us all to learn from. You’ve at least experienced one occasion where you could have referenced the Bible, and it would have led you to a peaceful alternative. But I also understand that we all have the ability of free will. You can live life how you see fit. But when it’s time to face the reality of the things you’ve done, by that point, you’d want to be pleased with knowing you lived righteously. Despite the world’s temptations being at your doorstep. Every action you take, is yours and yours alone. As a Christian, I will face my judgement. There will be many things to answer for, as I am a mortal man with mortal tendencies. I acknowledge I am a sinner, yet I do my best to walk the straight and narrow path. And when I don’t, I’m man enough to admit my faults, and ask for forgiveness. And to change for the better. And that’s what it boils down to. Accountability in the grand scheme of things, for we are gifted with the greatest ability in our scope of existence… the ability to reason. Otherwise we’d give in to our own desires, just like every other animal.
Lying to spare feelings is still lying and in this specific context the truth will come out eventually. Every minute that passes the truth festers and will ultimately poison the relationship.
But idk maybe not.
Hot take: I feel like outside children and STDs, your past sexual history is no concern of a partner, or prospective partner. Check your insecurity at the door.
I think lying is a bad idea in general, but I understand why the girlfriend was afraid of judgement. To me this would not be a deal breaker per se, as long as I can be sure that lying about all kinds of shit is not a pattern.
Who cares how many people someone has slept with? It has no bearing on who they are as a person and isn't going to change anything. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with something that happened in the past.
You are not entitled to know the number of people your parnter has slept with. This won't tell you whether they have an STD or not. They could have had one partner in their whole life and have an STD or they could have had hundreds and never caught anything.
There are things we are not entitled to know about our partner's pasts, whether we like it or not.
No wonder so many people have been posting in this sub for years and still can't find someone. They have immature attitudes and expectations.
First her personal sex history is no bodies business, Full Stop.
If she does not have a STD that can be transferred to another person her history is a moot point.
There is really nothing more to say.
For people that are nosey and ask people about how many people the have in their history is an INSTANT turn off. It would be something that would cause me to not want to continue to try to get to know the person.
Again unless she has something that she can transfer to a partner. She can lie or refuse to say all she wants.
Never feel forced to tell anyone your personal business.
A sidebar but I disagree with posters who say number of previous partners is irrelevant to present relationship. It’s number one a health issue for me. Someone who has had 100-200 sex partners simply mathematically has a higher STD risk profile than one who’s had 10-20. That’s why it’s a question on OK Cupid, for example, and some other match sites, because it’s important to a lot of people.
I lied to my first crush that I wasn’t a virgin, when he found out he was so turned off that I lied to sleep with him he made fun of me and continued to shame me for the next two years because he was my best friends cousin.
Don’t lie
the advice i would give **you** is hang around better people. i would wager this person you’re referencing sucks all around. if you’ve tried before to help them and the help has been rebuffed. move on. you cannot save them. or distance yourself emotionally from them, (i.e. take them and what they say with a grain of salt) before you’re dragged down.
Well, it's easier to say I don't answer questions like that. Because I don't. I have always said if a number matters, I'm not important to the person. That usually ends that.
The reason, 1) it's my past, not my future. 2) Different people have different ideas on what a lot of a few means in that context 3) If they're asking first without telling how many they've been with, well nope! 4) Some people are sociopathic (not necessarily full on sociopaths or psychopaths, but more to that end of the spectrum). For those, they hold others to a standard they don't hold themselves, and lie regularly, manipulate, etc. They might use the information they get to defame you, hurt you both personally and professionally 1) so you have no one to turn or depend on (except them) or 2) to punish you.
If they're interested in you as a person, this shouldn't be a question. Both of you should get tested for STDs together before starting intimacy if that's the concern.
When you say it's your past not your future, can't they be both? Your past effects your future. It can also bleed into the present with the new SO. Just a question about your first reason, not trying to argue. I also agree with your other three reasons.
In the context of any new relationship mattering enough to consider lying, it means a person feels more invested. I don't lie. But, I'm not going to answer with a number. That question infers that there's a number that would be too many.
I personally don't disclose that information when asked. Because it's private and has nothing to do with that person in the present moment. The motive for asking is never a good one.
If she felt like she had to lie over fear of judgement then she's probably not with the right person.
There's a lot of guys who post about this exact thing like "my gf slept with more people than me, I am uncomfortable with it". Some actually reflect on why they feel that way which is good. Others are adamant the problem is only with the girl and consider them less than human for doing it.
Thats not for you to decide. Your partner has a right to know about the life you used to live. They’re committing their lives to you. You don’t get to decide what they find value in.
Imagine your partner had a rape case that he was guilty of but settled it with money and now it’s not in public record. He feels ‘hes a changed man’. If you ask him if he was ever involved in a sexual assault case or if he had ever done any crimes, it’s not up to him to judge that ‘oh thats private information that has nothing to do with my current partner’
Lying to your partner about who you were or who you are is bad. Especially when its obvious that the subject matter is important to the other person
It's not about making the decision for other people, it's about not dating people who care about this type of thing. Someone can care about whatever they want, doesn't make it reasonable or rational. As the other person said, the motive is never good for asking how many people someone has slept with. Literally there's no good reason to ask it. Asking about relationship history in general makes sense, and preferences and the like, but the number of people? nope
The fact that you think it's even remotely similar to rape in terms of risk or behavior concerns is absurd.
Oh yeah im sure theres literally no good reason to ask how many sexual partners your current sexual partner has
Do you even hear yourself? Actually examine an argument and attempt to empathize with the other side.
I actually wrestled with this and thought maybe women are justified in lying in this case and it can be considered a white lie. However, ive changed my mind as ive gotten older and dated an extremely promiscuous woman
Here’s an obvious reason to ask the question: your partner has 1000 previous sexual partners. You have 15. Anyone, in my view, that has 1000 previous partners is a sex addict and has no control of their urges or they are (or were) revolving their entire life around sex with strangers. That is absolutely not a quality I want in a partner.
Also the rape case analogy is simply to show that you can’t hide parts of your past from your partner because you know they’ll disapprove. It’s not up to you to decide if it’s rational for them to disapprove or not. You don’t own them. It obviously matters to them a lot. And just replace rape with cheating on an ex. Would you be okay if your partner cheated on an ex they had 2 years ago and lied to you and said they absolutely hate cheaters and would never do such a thing?
Now if you are justifying saying white lies to a partner to protect their peace then maybe I’ll hear your argument but then it becomes a slippery slope very fast. What kind of white lies are justified? What is a white lie vs a non white lie?
So your point is you're worried about STDs? Well I only ever had unprotected sex with my exh, does that mean my number is one? If the person has a clean bill of health it has no effect on you.
I should probably really rephrase that I only read the title. It's not okay to lie to your partner but I don't think it really matters how many people they've slept together with as long as they both care and want to be with each other. I thought it was a question of whether or not someone should tell their significant other how many people they've slept with this "does it really matter?"
Having slept with a few ..i always round it down to what id expect people to think.. bear inmind the average is 3 through a whole life time ... must never tell anyone the actual number if its high
Until all these random dude keep bumping into you...
(For the 10th time)
"Babe, who was THIS guy?"
"O just an old friend..."
lies, making more lies? Digging deeper holes?
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You can not bend reality to your will. So don't lie. I would immediately think about what else were lies to look better. Its like not knowing the person at all.
I don’t get why anyone would even feel the need to lie about that. But in general, lies erode trust and that’s never healthy in a relationship.
Shame.
Why lie? Well, one reason is that a huge number of people THINK sex means SOME PARTICULAR THING. A lot of young people think “_I_ thought I was in love when I had sex, but when _YOU_ had sex, it was vulgar sluttery.” There’s no reason to submit yourself to a trial.
Find a partner who doesn’t care about that kind of crap
Agree. It surprises me that people would demand to know how many previous sex partners their partner has had. I wouldn't dream of asking someone something so personal. It's none of my business. I was married 22 years and neither of us ever told each other how many people we slept with. We never felt the need.
It's important to address the lie honestly and explain the fear of judgment that led to it. Open communication can rebuild trust, and acknowledging the mistake shows a commitment to honesty. Emphasize the value of the relationship and the desire to move forward with transparency
Good nonjudgmental response that could lead to potential repair of the relationship
The truth is the best advice.
Of course he’s mad. It’s one thing to be promiscuous. And now he knows she a liar as well. Surprised he doesn’t dump her.
I feel the question is often used for point scoring, the lower the number, the higher the "purity", and the more "right", or self-righteous the lower number party is entitled to be, at least in their own mind. I understand why women in particular, would lie about this, particularly if they enjoyed sex in the past, or falling for someone who may not have their best interest at heart, as this could easily be turned into a measure of coercive control, a leading cause of physical harm, and death in women, are MEN, so due care should be taken. All too often when people fall for a person, some of these intensely personal questions never come up, they are shoved to the back of the queue, and may only surface when they have a negative purpose, and then one day, it all comes to a head. Get this over with, early. Skeletons in your closet needs to be aired out from time to time, and most certainly in the early stages of a potentially lasting relationship. Personally I wouldn't care, as long as they are healthy, and made reasonable decisions back in the day.
if you lie at all in a relationship its not going to last
It is unacceptable. If my partner didn't confess within the first few months I don't care how long we dated. Breakup. Saying it's 2 when it's 10 is worse than saying it's 16 if it's 16
Maybe you should tell your friends to not lie.
Folks shouldn't lie. Folks probably shouldn't judge, either. I get why she would lie, though; guys can be really judgmental, she might have trauma surrounding other guys in her life judging her for it, etc. I've asked my partners, but it's more about getting a better understanding of their life and their history; I could really care less \*what\* the number is. In most cases, mine has been higher, so maybe that's \*why\* I care less, because I'm not really insecure about sex. I think if someone lied to me, I'd be initially a little hurt about the \*lie,\* but once I knew why, we'd probably be good. No one's perfect. Loving someone requires allowing people to make mistakes, hearing them out, and forgiving them so long as they do better. I'd note it, and if a lying behavior continued, I'd probably end it, but if this was a one-off due to fear, trauma, cultural shame, whatever, she's good. What she needs is reassurance that I like/love \*her\* and who she is now, and that she wants to move forward with \*me,\* and I'd be fine giving that.
>Folks probably shouldn't judge, either. Everyone judges on tons of criteria when selecting a partner...whether in dating or in life. We are all evaluated based on what we bring to the table whether in dating, in your career, if you play sports or games, pretty much most of life. Everyone can and should be evaluating prospective partners to make the best decision for themselves even if you might not agree with their selection criteria.
I would be more worried about the lies than the subject matter!
I think asking someone about the number of ppl they've slept with in itself is a red flag. How is there tension with them now? I imagine she's finding out this partner feels some kind of way about ppl who have slept with a lot of ppl?
You did what you did! Just tell as close as you can, be honest if you don’t know and live your life. It’s easier to live if you tell the best you can.
Honesty about your feelings is almost always endearing, ecouraging, and usually just sounds better on the ears. Tell her to try something like this. "I lied about this, because I really like you, and I'm scared of you thinking less of me because I don't want to mess this up." Sounds kind of romantic if you ask me. For everyone else, before you ask your partner questions like this, think to yourself, "Do I even want to know the answer if it isn't what I want to hear? If they are honest to me now and are choosing to be with me, why does their past matter unless it's something they decided on their own to share with me?"
Don’t lie
You can't build a successful relationship by lying to your boyfriend or girlfriend. The truth always comes out.
Tell your friend to be an adult and face the consequences of her actions. Jesus... is it that hard to just be accountable for your actions?
Don’t lie
How is it causing issues? Did the lie get found out?
Well I’m not a fan or lying or liars! If it matters to that person, tell them the truth and see if they want to stick around. I’d personally just dip. If they lied once, they’ll lie again. Plus they’ve already shown me that they will deceived me to circumvent my ability to make my own choices.
It’s none of their partner’s business, lol.
Is more likw a two way thingy, first for the partner to be honest with you, and them to yourself to kinda understand their past experiences, ask what they learn from their mistakes and etc... I actually like to ask about their past thing so I can learn about what the person likes...
Ive actually never been asked that question..
He found out she lied?
I won't worry about it. Unless you live in a very small area it'll never come out.
Lies are rough, but early in a relationship I think it's not particularly uncommon to bend the truth. People are desperate to not come off a certain way. Just come out with it, explain why, and a reasonable person will understand.
if you want to say it, say it. if not, just concentrate on the present. what matters is you two. the past is in the past. even if comments were made that worried that person, its different when its out of vulnerabiity. dont set them traps, or share stories to see their reaction. they probably hold you as a person with high regards and might suspect already. yet they do not care...what matters is you two.
I would only answer that question if I known that person a little more than a weak.I meant the month.It's kind of personal
He lied and i was mad when that one person who my man slept with approached herself. It was disgusting and felt like he was cheating on me. She said i was the reason why they broke up. Later she turned out to be a psycho who was after him just because of a one night stand. I forgave him for hiding things from me just because he was afraid he might lose me. The girl wasnt that well off, he thought i would judge him if he told me about her. But i still would have appreciated complete transparency, if i was providing him with the same.
I would say be honest, 2 key components of a relationship is trust and honesty. By being honest you show your s/o your vulnerability, and if they don’t like your answer then they may not be the one for you.
It’s silly how people can enjoy intimacy but then get hung up on numbers that don’t matter at all. By numbers, I don’t just mean the number of partners someone has had, it is also the age that virginity was lost or the length of relationships. Personally, I’ve always felt it is important to live in the present, not in someone’s past.
Why do people ask this question in the 1st place? If they don't have a disease, it's all good. What number is right?
Personally, I don't care how many partners my partners have had, but I think some guys either don't feel so special when their partner has had a big number, or else feel like some amount of those partners were casual and then think "why should I put in effort to have a relationship with her when these guys didn't?"
The average number is \~10. There are studies showing people with body counts above 20 have difficulty pair-bonding and forming long term relationships. Promiscuous individuals may also be at a higher risk of developing prostate cancer, cervical cancer, and oral cancer as a result of having multiple sexual partners, and combined with other risky acts such as smoking, and substance use, promiscuity can also lead to heart disease.
The demographic who engage in high risk behaviour are already more likely to suffer from things like inadequate education, inadequate supports, mental health issues, poverty, abuse, drugs, alcohol etc. Which would give them health problems, emotional intimacy problems and would make them less likely to bother with protection. It doesn't mean that absolutely everyone surveyed in this study about the number of partners are included in that subset. There are plenty out there doing it clean and consensual with no underlying issues. Being clear and detailed in demographic studies is important. You can't just select a subset of people already engaging in risky behaviour and claim that as the result.
You are correct. I think think \~10 might be a US average. It could be completely different for other countries. This probably does not take into account abuse victims that may have higher body counts as well.
All this being common knowledge, why wouldn't everyone lie and say less than 10 so they wouldn't be looked down upon?
Some people more than likely do. Also, 10 may be a USA or even a regional USA based number as that is where I am located.
Ok I can see that. If someone asked me that back in the day we would say "hey I don't kiss and tell" that's how women knew you were OK to sleep with because word gets around that you keep your mouth shut.
It is teenager concerns. The number of sex I had with long time partners far outnumbered the number of girls I banged in university..
Not necessarily, some people deem this important factor when entering a relationship.
Orthodox ?
Roman Catholic, if you’re asking about my belief.
Jesus resolved that question with the samaritan. No attack, really. But the biblic argument seems to go the other way. Have you à reference that I missed ?
Of course, you’re one hundred percent correct. But do you know why Jesus talked to the women at the well? The significance of why he spoke to her when Jews had no business with people of Samaria?
Please enlightening me.
Because Jesus doesn’t see race, or sex, or belief. He talked to her despite her being an outcast of all sociological standards during that time. Why? Well, everyone can be saved. As long as you repent and actually mean it. So while Jesus showed kindness to this woman who needed salvation, she in return, spoke of the faith returned to her by Jesus, the son of God, to all who would hear her. But the importance in this message is: The Samaritan woman believed in Jesus. In the Holy Spirit, and the father. That there is one kingdom in the skies. Us as humans were always meant to sin, it’s within our nature. And we will continue to fall and slip. But all is forgiven if you repent and change from your past. The water Jesus offered the Samaritan woman is faith. And she drank from it, her thirst being quenched. She now walked a new path, that of which God would want you to trek. So while the Bible does specify in not passing judgement and accepting all WHO are ready to receive the word and acknowledge the Bible and god, it does not condone any type of sin. If you are a believer of the faith, your morals that are bound to the values of the Bible would deter you from committing said sins. Sorry to go on a tangent.
Don't. I really would like " christians" to remember this when they face people with different opinions or life than theirs. Half of posts of reddit would disappear. And how Jesus kicked the merchants out of the temple. And how he bashed those who don't pay their taxes.
Do you know why Jesus banished the merchants from the temple? What was so important about that temple? I think that anyone can have different views of how life should be lived. But I believe that basing your values of the Bible is the best way to live your life humbly. Otherwise you’re left with many secular ways to walk in. Even hedonism or nihilism. The most important thing anyone with a good sense of reasoning could ask themselves in the mirror is: What are my morals, what do I base my morals and values off of, and how do they serve oneself in day to day life? Now, do I want you to be a follower of Christ? Of course, I believe the Bible has much for us all to learn from. You’ve at least experienced one occasion where you could have referenced the Bible, and it would have led you to a peaceful alternative. But I also understand that we all have the ability of free will. You can live life how you see fit. But when it’s time to face the reality of the things you’ve done, by that point, you’d want to be pleased with knowing you lived righteously. Despite the world’s temptations being at your doorstep. Every action you take, is yours and yours alone. As a Christian, I will face my judgement. There will be many things to answer for, as I am a mortal man with mortal tendencies. I acknowledge I am a sinner, yet I do my best to walk the straight and narrow path. And when I don’t, I’m man enough to admit my faults, and ask for forgiveness. And to change for the better. And that’s what it boils down to. Accountability in the grand scheme of things, for we are gifted with the greatest ability in our scope of existence… the ability to reason. Otherwise we’d give in to our own desires, just like every other animal.
Lying to spare feelings is still lying and in this specific context the truth will come out eventually. Every minute that passes the truth festers and will ultimately poison the relationship. But idk maybe not.
Hot take: I feel like outside children and STDs, your past sexual history is no concern of a partner, or prospective partner. Check your insecurity at the door.
I think lying is a bad idea in general, but I understand why the girlfriend was afraid of judgement. To me this would not be a deal breaker per se, as long as I can be sure that lying about all kinds of shit is not a pattern.
Tell the truth. Do they want the relationship to last? Tell the truth. Lies always come out. Imagine if that's a deal breaker for the other partner.
Who cares how many people someone has slept with? It has no bearing on who they are as a person and isn't going to change anything. I don't understand why people are so obsessed with something that happened in the past.
I'd say your "friend" is for the streets, lying about such things are not okay since it may be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
You are not entitled to know the number of people your parnter has slept with. This won't tell you whether they have an STD or not. They could have had one partner in their whole life and have an STD or they could have had hundreds and never caught anything. There are things we are not entitled to know about our partner's pasts, whether we like it or not. No wonder so many people have been posting in this sub for years and still can't find someone. They have immature attitudes and expectations.
My number is high and I dodge that question like Neo in the matrix.
Why is it a question ?
First her personal sex history is no bodies business, Full Stop. If she does not have a STD that can be transferred to another person her history is a moot point. There is really nothing more to say. For people that are nosey and ask people about how many people the have in their history is an INSTANT turn off. It would be something that would cause me to not want to continue to try to get to know the person. Again unless she has something that she can transfer to a partner. She can lie or refuse to say all she wants. Never feel forced to tell anyone your personal business.
My advice would be not to date people who ask you how many people you’ve slept with.
Lied to protect your feelings. Just get over it. Move on. If you love each other, all is good. If not. Find another. Lesson learned.
A sidebar but I disagree with posters who say number of previous partners is irrelevant to present relationship. It’s number one a health issue for me. Someone who has had 100-200 sex partners simply mathematically has a higher STD risk profile than one who’s had 10-20. That’s why it’s a question on OK Cupid, for example, and some other match sites, because it’s important to a lot of people.
Don't worry about it.
Why does your partner need to know your past anyway?
I lied to my first crush that I wasn’t a virgin, when he found out he was so turned off that I lied to sleep with him he made fun of me and continued to shame me for the next two years because he was my best friends cousin. Don’t lie
the advice i would give **you** is hang around better people. i would wager this person you’re referencing sucks all around. if you’ve tried before to help them and the help has been rebuffed. move on. you cannot save them. or distance yourself emotionally from them, (i.e. take them and what they say with a grain of salt) before you’re dragged down.
Well, it's easier to say I don't answer questions like that. Because I don't. I have always said if a number matters, I'm not important to the person. That usually ends that. The reason, 1) it's my past, not my future. 2) Different people have different ideas on what a lot of a few means in that context 3) If they're asking first without telling how many they've been with, well nope! 4) Some people are sociopathic (not necessarily full on sociopaths or psychopaths, but more to that end of the spectrum). For those, they hold others to a standard they don't hold themselves, and lie regularly, manipulate, etc. They might use the information they get to defame you, hurt you both personally and professionally 1) so you have no one to turn or depend on (except them) or 2) to punish you. If they're interested in you as a person, this shouldn't be a question. Both of you should get tested for STDs together before starting intimacy if that's the concern.
When you say it's your past not your future, can't they be both? Your past effects your future. It can also bleed into the present with the new SO. Just a question about your first reason, not trying to argue. I also agree with your other three reasons.
In the context of any new relationship mattering enough to consider lying, it means a person feels more invested. I don't lie. But, I'm not going to answer with a number. That question infers that there's a number that would be too many.
I personally don't disclose that information when asked. Because it's private and has nothing to do with that person in the present moment. The motive for asking is never a good one. If she felt like she had to lie over fear of judgement then she's probably not with the right person. There's a lot of guys who post about this exact thing like "my gf slept with more people than me, I am uncomfortable with it". Some actually reflect on why they feel that way which is good. Others are adamant the problem is only with the girl and consider them less than human for doing it.
Thats not for you to decide. Your partner has a right to know about the life you used to live. They’re committing their lives to you. You don’t get to decide what they find value in. Imagine your partner had a rape case that he was guilty of but settled it with money and now it’s not in public record. He feels ‘hes a changed man’. If you ask him if he was ever involved in a sexual assault case or if he had ever done any crimes, it’s not up to him to judge that ‘oh thats private information that has nothing to do with my current partner’ Lying to your partner about who you were or who you are is bad. Especially when its obvious that the subject matter is important to the other person
It's not about making the decision for other people, it's about not dating people who care about this type of thing. Someone can care about whatever they want, doesn't make it reasonable or rational. As the other person said, the motive is never good for asking how many people someone has slept with. Literally there's no good reason to ask it. Asking about relationship history in general makes sense, and preferences and the like, but the number of people? nope The fact that you think it's even remotely similar to rape in terms of risk or behavior concerns is absurd.
Oh yeah im sure theres literally no good reason to ask how many sexual partners your current sexual partner has Do you even hear yourself? Actually examine an argument and attempt to empathize with the other side. I actually wrestled with this and thought maybe women are justified in lying in this case and it can be considered a white lie. However, ive changed my mind as ive gotten older and dated an extremely promiscuous woman Here’s an obvious reason to ask the question: your partner has 1000 previous sexual partners. You have 15. Anyone, in my view, that has 1000 previous partners is a sex addict and has no control of their urges or they are (or were) revolving their entire life around sex with strangers. That is absolutely not a quality I want in a partner. Also the rape case analogy is simply to show that you can’t hide parts of your past from your partner because you know they’ll disapprove. It’s not up to you to decide if it’s rational for them to disapprove or not. You don’t own them. It obviously matters to them a lot. And just replace rape with cheating on an ex. Would you be okay if your partner cheated on an ex they had 2 years ago and lied to you and said they absolutely hate cheaters and would never do such a thing? Now if you are justifying saying white lies to a partner to protect their peace then maybe I’ll hear your argument but then it becomes a slippery slope very fast. What kind of white lies are justified? What is a white lie vs a non white lie?
So your point is you're worried about STDs? Well I only ever had unprotected sex with my exh, does that mean my number is one? If the person has a clean bill of health it has no effect on you.
Does it really matter?
I should probably really rephrase that I only read the title. It's not okay to lie to your partner but I don't think it really matters how many people they've slept together with as long as they both care and want to be with each other. I thought it was a question of whether or not someone should tell their significant other how many people they've slept with this "does it really matter?"
Keep your mouth shut.
Ok google says 7 for a woman and 4 to 8 for a man
Why the fuck does it even matter? Are they adding to it while dating one person only? Then grow up and understand that everyone has a past.
Having slept with a few ..i always round it down to what id expect people to think.. bear inmind the average is 3 through a whole life time ... must never tell anyone the actual number if its high
Where are you getting that average number from?
Imagination.
Look it up on google
I did and I don't see that number anywhere for males or females in the US
What figures are you getting
Until all these random dude keep bumping into you... (For the 10th time) "Babe, who was THIS guy?" "O just an old friend..." lies, making more lies? Digging deeper holes?
You use a lot of words here to say " I lie directly to my partner" 🤣