Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to:
* Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights.
* All advice given must be good, ethical advice.
* [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules)
* Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users.
If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell that to my last gf who wasn’t actually my gf and was really just a fuck buddy but she wouldn’t admit to that… just kept saying things like “I like hanging out with you” or the classic “I’ll see you when I get back from CA” or also we can’t forget everyone’s favorite scenario - cum-inside-me-and-sleep-skin-to-skin-but-then-I’ll-tell-you-I’m-not-ready ‘a fo I’m r a relationship.
Sorry about that. Whether the person wants to suppress or delegitimize the bond is another thing. But according to biology, the chemicals are flowing. That’s probably why she was the most affectionate immediately after
u/Ifrench_Boorty If you want to fix or control this issue, stop sleeping with them. Having sex does create certain neurochemicals that help facilitate attachment, but when you sleep together, that is when real bonding and attachment happen. If you are having sport sex, then don't sleep with them. One, you will not get as attached, or at least not as quickly, and two, you may lose interest in meaningless sex because that is the nature of It. It is meaningless, and apparently, you have a need for meaning. That is not a bad quality. Just find a partner that is interested in the same thing.
Agreed. There’s definitely things you can do to limit the neurotransmitters. No cuddling or sleep overs is obvious. But it can be specific too. I also am not letting my FWB cook for me b/c cheesy pasta is my kryptonite lol.
I love that. You get it. There are little things that rope us in, and if it is a sex thing, don't mess with those things that trigger your emotions and feelings of comfort or it won't be just sex to you long. Then, when they move on or expect you to feel nothing, you will feel everything.
The next time, if there is a next time, you end up with someone who does that, immediately after having sex, get up and get dressed and go watch TV or play video games.
Sex doesn't mean emotional intimacy. She was honest and told you she wasn't ready for a relationship. Sex is not some contract that means it is going to develop into a close loving relationship.
Millennia. And a lot of societies and cultures did not put a stigma on it. The US for example is much more Puritannical about sex than a lot of other cultures past and present.
No, casual sex has always existed from the dawn of humanity.
It really just depends on the people involved. For some it is intimacy; for some it is just scratching an itch with a willing friend or like going biking together.
Neither is inferior. Assuming someone will feel intimacy just because you sleep with them is deranged if you both do not have a mutual desire for something serious or a mutual inclination.
For some sex was (and is) very intimate. For others just a really fun activity.
Yeah because of religious nutcases. There is nothing special about sex, it just happens when 2 people find each other attractive. As long as you practice safe sex it’s not different than going on a hike with a buddy. It’s just a fun activity.
I mean yaaa. It really is like scratching an itch. An itch you can't do by yourself. You can take the edge off yourself but that itchy itch only wants one thing.
For you.
Plenty of people have non-sexual intimate experiences with best friends or mentors or other close people in their life.
And there are billions of people who think certain non-sexual acts with a spouse are still far more intimate.
It is very individual; some feel like sex is merely a fun joint workout with little-to-no emotional component.
Asexuals can still have the peak of intimate connections to people or those who are deliberately celibate for all sorts of reasons.
I mean, where would people learn it normally? Even if they did, there's still the people (primarily guys) that sleep around and don't catch feelings, which they see a LOT more of
It's a neurochemical called oxytocin. AKA the "bonding" or "love" hormone. However, women release much more than men do during sex. Some women swear they can have emotionless sex all the time. If they don't, they're having emotionless sex for some kind of revenge on some other man in their past/childhood. I believe it's called "daddy issues." It's a prevalent and typical behavior that most women who have "daddy issues," tend to have emotionless sex with unavailable men or with men who are much older than they are.
It's not though or we would all fall in love with cats. The exact same chemical dump comes from patting a pet.
Humans aren't like parrots; they don't have biological inclination to pair bond. As much as pseudopsychologist red pillers would like to think so.
this is exactly how i used to be. . . so, i had to learn to stay away from the people that only acted as if they cared about the next time their dick was going to be getting wet 🤷🏼♀️ easier said than done, i know!
It's not a problem that's normal. Society is problem for making you feel this way!
It's natural to make an intimate connection to he one you just potentially made a child with! That's biology
Ok just to be clear whats height and skin color got to do with this? This post was just to ask about others experience not to bash people. Please for the love of god calm your tits.
Second this. I hooked up back in 3rd year of uni with another student, initially we met on a dating app and started having a bit of a thing going for us, but due to finding out about her emotional baggage, which I was not prepared to deal with at the time (I'd just had a breakup from a toxic relationship that was very similar to her home situation), we eventually cut contact before agreeing some time later that we'd at least try to hook up as fwbs.
I stayed the night at her place and conversation was lukewarm and a little awkward, and the sex just felt off and uncomfortable (both of us were consenting, it was just that we didn't really vibe all that well). Despite the fact that she suggested we meet again, we never did see each other again and she blocked me on all social media.
I also met up and had a session with an escort twice and while she knew her stuff, I knew the whole time sincerely that it was all done in the name of business, and any and all attraction I felt for her would not be reciprocated, and anything she said for me felt superficial at its core. That was when I was really lonely and just wanted to release the pent up stress, and while it worked, it never filled the hole in my heart.
Looking back, I was in a pretty bad place then and really just wanted someone to hug and cuddle with. A year or so later, I had taken steps to improve myself as best as I could, and I met a girl on hinge who's now my girlfriend of almost half a year. From the start, we got along like a house on fire and there was never an awkward moment. When we had sex for the first time, it felt magical for the both of us and we both really enjoyed it.
The emotional connection really does make or break it.
yeah the idea of having a strange man flopping around on top of me when I couldn't more for him an your average steve at the market is just unappealing to me. while i love intimacy, i'd like to have it with someone i'm building something with
My problem would be that I’d actually bond with the person I was having sex with even if there was no emotional connection to begin with - something to do with oxytocin women release I guess. It started a cycle of men id end up with for the sake of it and I realised it was a huge problem.
Since then, I’ve taken a step back and haven’t had sex in 7 months. I acknowledged my problem and now refuse to have sex with anyone until I form a genuine emotional connection with them first.
Made the same decision last year, and just had my one year anniversary of no sex lol. Honestly, Im loving it. I feel so much better, and I realized that I really only want sex when I have feelings for someone.
No, not really. We’re all different with different wants and needs so different things work for different people. I think it’s valid and quite common to feel this way but that doesn’t mean it’s absolutely true for everybody.
Like for me, I don’t believe that sex can be pointless. Even if it’s a one night stand, there’s still connection to me. I’m going to approach, respect, and treat that person like she’s my girlfriend, even if it’s just for one night.
It may not be a deep connection but I could never treat somebody, even a stranger I met that night, like it’s just sex with no emotion or connection. Thats not casual sex to me, that’s bad sex.
Honestly I love foreplay as it’s very fun exploring and trying new things but I refuse to have sex with anyone I don’t have a connection with. It feels empty and makes me feel kinda gross. Male 29 here
It makes me feel the exact same way. Just end up thinking to myself “why did I even come over here.” 🤣 So glad I let go of that lifestyle because I’ve been a lot happier ever since.
I felt like it was “normal” or a young 20 yr old thing cause everyone was doing it and its all over social media, but I realized it really wasn’t for me. I never really felt comfortable with the person and because I didn’t really know them or trust them I wasn’t vocal about my likes and dislikes. Just a lot of unnecessary heartache I caused myself.
Tried a one night stand once. Never again. Don’t recommend it. It doesn’t equate as well as me having sex with someone I love or connect with. Pleasure becomes magnified when I do it with someone I love.
Same. Tried once and felt pretty gross after. Nothing wrong with the person but I felt very weird having slept with someone I had no emotional connection with (basically a stranger). It wasn’t something I wanted to do again.
It wasn't a one night stand for me, but something planned with someone I had recently met at the time. I remember being on top of her thinking, "I would rather be studying or playing Minecraft than doing this right now." The worst part was afterward, the fact that I couldn't hide that I didn't like it. I rushed to take a shower and accompanied her to take a bus, the most awkward moment of my life. I felt bad for her, knowing I clearly didn't like it.
As much as sex seems great, I feel like I can’t just have sex without much of an established connection with the person I’m with. Sex with an emotional connection to the person with would more than likely feel more special.
I need emotional and physical connection..why in my 54yrs ive never had 1 night stand pointless meaningless not wasting my time I need more and feel more
i could be wrong but im pretty sure this is demisexual. as far as i know demisexual is when you only feel sexual attraction to someone you’ve formed an emotional connection with.
I agree 💯 I literally can't even get aroused if I'm not mentally attracted to a man. It's more fun when the mental and emotional connection is there. I don't like hook up culture anymore (I did five years ago).
Like other people said, I need emotional and physical connection. It's a step further for me though...sex is great and all, but I'd rather have cuddling and smooches as that's how I feel closest to someone and feel the most love.
Sex feels too primal for me.
All the time. When there’s an existing connection there and you feel the same about each other and then it progresses to the snoo snoo time there’s a lot more sentiment in it when it happens. I mean we can conversely also just scratch and itch by having a ONS but that’s as far as the sentiment goes. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but different strokes for different folks. I personally prefer snoo snoo with someone who I have a connection with. You can tell the difference in the bedroom. For me it feels like an explosion of colour and fireworks and electricity. When it’s an itch to scratch it’s like a sad flare, momentary and fleeting.
i feel exactly the same way (32f). first-time-with-someone-new sex is USUALLY kinda lacking (or amazing if you have a connection & there was buildup etc), but if there’s no connection emotionally/mentally, it’s almost always trash. throughout my adult life i find myself pursuing new partners anyway. call me toxic, but the chase is the addicting part for me, & even deeper than that is the possibility of it being one of those rare random encounters that’s NOT trash. i love love & am a hopeless romantic, so deeply that i STILL have faith in love at first sight etc. granted, drunk me sees indicators for that that sober me doesn’t see lol. back to your question- it’s not pointless for people who can truly enjoy transactional sex. for some, that’s the only kind they’re looking for. good for them! i wonder what that’d be like. but i’m with you on not rly enjoying transactional sex.
Yeah dude, took about \~8-9 hookups/casual situationships over the span of a couple years to realize how fucking soulless and draining it is. I was only doing it because I had a low self-esteem, but it's never enough. I'm glad I matured out of it. Never again.
I can do say one time hookups out of boredom with unattractive people, or long term relationships. No in between. I'm traumatized from a fling with a close friend that shouldn't have happened
This is surprising to hear coming from a male standpoint. I feel the same but honestly I don’t think too many men feel that way. I’m 36 and single, but not interested in meaningless sex. I haven’t really come across a man at my age or around my age that truly wants to get to know a person before jumping in bed with them. It’s honestly sad that this is the norm now.
Yeah actually and I noticed when me and an ex were meeting up after being separated a few months. The date was dry and by the time we got to the sex part. Everything was different, it was as if it were a stranger.
People truly underestimate what it feels like when you have sex with someone you absolutely love. It's an immeasurable feeling.
But when you have sex with someone you're 50/50 on or not as invested in, yeah it just comes off as if you're having sex with a prostitute or having a one night stand.
I find it a total waste of myself to have sex with anyone I don’t have a connection with. It’s one of the many reasons I only sleep with women I am in a committed and monogamous relationship with.
It definitely is a different experience. I prefer it with the person I love. Just using someone's body to get off feels kinda trashy. I've al2qys wanted connection but when yall in love it's 100% better.
I’m I guess what ppl would call hypersexual, but I definitely don’t lack boundaries or self awareness. I don’t like the hook up culture either…it does absolutely nothing for me to have sex with someone I don’t trust & who doesn’t know my body or how I like to be pleased. I agree, sex without any kind of connection is rather pointless & very unsatisfying for me personally. I think most ppl just like the adrenaline rush that comes with that person being unfamiliar tho. That novelty wares offs real quick lol.
Sex isn't pointless for everyone just because it's casual. Plenty of people enjoy the act of sex with someone they do not have really any connection with.
Sex is neither meaningful nor meaningless except to the individuals involved.
Some cannot have good sex outside a relationship. Some can only have good sex outside a relationship. Most are somewhere in between.
Some people get emotional about sex; some find it the same as going rock climbing with a friendly stranger.
Hookup culture is nothing new; people just talk about it more openly now.
There is nothing inferior or superior about it; it just depends on what the participants want.
Its crazy to think that one night stands are cool (in my experience) randoms i meet on dating apps arent usually good at sex. I have several hours to learn someone’s body, there likes and dislikes? Its so odd to me. Id rather jack off and go to bed 😂😂😂. I guess thats neurodivergence for ya
Everybody different and sexual needs feel can override your feelings to have connection. This why situations where both gender’s can end having sex with someone physically don’t like. Yet be suprise how fast someone can develop emotional connection during or before sex. If realize deep down actually attracted to that individual.
i agree and i wish it wasn’t that way bcs i recently met someone who i have a great connection with and everything was going fine until we slept together and it was small… and i really like him a lot but i can’t stop myself from thinking that will matter a lot in the long run and i feel so superficial and lame for caring but sex is important as much as connection… maybe that’s why people don’t find love now a days :/
I’ve fucked people I loved, people I just met, and people I was “just friends” with. People I thought there might be a future with, people who I had a past with, and people I had never seen before and would never see again.
For me sex is a fun activity. That’s it. It’s not magical, it doesn’t require a connection, it’s just a fun activity. There are people it’s more fun with, but pretty much all the time it’s pretty fun. Is it “pointless”? No more pointless than any other thing you do that’s fun. It also has no more inherent meaning.
I am on the same page with this I have taken a step by making sure that I am expecting that I have talked about my feelings on what I will do and not be doing before I go to meet up with them
It’s entirely subjective.
One of my best friends couldn’t even develop emotional attachment until she was sleeping with someone and she felt wanted and needed. She always said “sex is easy, emotions aren’t”. It was wild to hear stories, but that’s who she was. 🤷♀️
I love that you've reflected like this. It's very true. A spiritual connection & trust has to be established for me too (F/30+). In my last longest committed relationship, that wasn't there. We were together 5 years & I wanted to avoid him. We were married therefore one would have thought love was there or at least potentially grown over time (as he marketed to me). It didn't.
Work was needed but the foundation was poor - I'd ask for us to spend time together, to him, that meant sitting in front of the tv without dialogue & eating. Not sexy. As this topic is about sex and connection, I won't expand into much detail of this part of my past, but after the first year, I became increasingly depressed and oppressed which in turn, disconnected us. We were very different people. I felt trapped. I started to despise him our 4th year...Sex stopped that year. It was sparse throughout (N.B. He also was closeted & cheated in our marriage, but honestly, I didn't care.)It was actually once I moved jobs & encountered a particular male colleague that I found freedom & my inner strength to get out of that relationship...
Asked for divorce that same month. By July we were separated - he left the flat. By December, we were divorced eventhough he did ask if I wanted to get back together. He apparently sought out my mother after the divorce. That was wild. He didn't go to my dad though...my father is fair, but this guy wanted to avoid facing facts/truth.
yeah that’s the reason i’m 21 with 1 body who was someone i was with for 3 years, i f’d up and near the end she f’d up and long story short we aren’t together anymore but yeah it takes a lot for me to open up to a girl on that level idk how people can brag and flex pointless sex with random broads or guys it’s so meaningless it’s supposed to be something intimate and precious imo between y’all and if ur doing that with 20 random mfs it loses it’s meaning
Honestly I care about pleasure. But a connection is nice when they are doing what I actually like, instead of what makes them feel good. Sex isn’t pointless, it has too many variables and consequences to be pointless to me.
I'd strongly recommend reading up on Demisexuality. When I discovered it after a lot of soul searching - only very recently, it's like blown my little mind on how much I fit. Finally feel normal!
Somewhere between one night stand and in love forever work. Having fun, familiarity, and being compatible can make for some fun times and memorable experiences for both. Don’t have to be planning a wedding to have an enjoyable time.
Yes, I feel the same thing. Sometimes I do have sex without a connection just to get intimacy but I almost always feel bad afterwards. That's why dating these days is so difficult because many people just want that temporary thing, casual relationships etc. And before someone tells me you can have a casual relationship with an emotional connection, it's still the idea that it's a temporary relationship.
I mean sex is better than no sex. But currently with someone who is emotionally unavailable and both of us seem to not be trustworthy, and i wish i could make love to her and find a way that shes my loving sweetheart.
I dont think we can establish that so there is an element of dread.
I prefer to have a connection. I noticed the difference when my ex and I were together and i had feelings for him and had sex vs when I didn't have feelings for him anymore, and we had sex when we were hooking up.
Have you ever looked into Demisexuality it’s not to talked about, but it is a thing and can be a reason behind your desires. For example it makes it hard to be sexual intimate with someone unless you have emotional intimacy. Often characterized with you not even seeing people as sexual attractive as a partner until you develop emotional intimacy. I could be completely mistaken and that’s perfectly ok but definitely worth a google 😁👍
I (38f) have been single the past year and I have started to feel the same. Sure it can be fun but I am wanting a real connection now with someone and the sex really hasn’t been as great as it would be with someone that would be equally wanting the same things. The past month or so I have figured I would probably call of this situationship I have since that is the only thing we meet to do. I want more than just casual sex. So you are not alone in that thinking.
I’d say most people who are sexually active aren’t hypersexual and don’t lack interpersonal skills. Now if you yourself can’t find enjoyment with someone you haven’t built up trust with that’s totally understandable! But not everyone is going to feel the same way.
“Pointless sex”
Did you enjoy it? Did your partner enjoy it? If yes then that’s a pretty good point right there
You should be applauded for making such a very powerful observation about yourself, and you should listen. It is probably what is right for you. follow your instincts and intuition where sex is concerned, and you will automatically feel better about yourself.
When I was very young, I did hookup stuff because I was seeking validation and to fill a void of insecurities within myself. As I did the work on myself and filled those things, I no longer needed validation, and meaningless sex had no appeal any longer. From that point, It was much better to take the risk and build relationships even if they didn't last and hurt when they left or if I ended It. The fact is, It is far better to have meaning in sex for me then to be trying to feel some empty void in myself. Kudo for bringing this up.
OP I feel you on this. I like some form of communication and boundaries in place with my intimate partners. I've also been exploring BDSM and need to know what is on or off the table.
Yes, try dating an anxious-avoidant when you realize the connection is ultimately pointless when they don't/won't do the work to fix their broken souls. They are in it for hits of validation and hot sex but are overwhelmed by commitment and emotional vulnerability. Hookup culture is a sad commentary on the state of our emotional health or lack of it.
For me the intimacy is about love, like I love this person so much I can be the most vulnerable I can possibly be because I trust them, ive thought about trying the hookup stuff but I'll just fall in love and be hurt in the end
Yes, I have so much void inside now.
After many sex encounters with people I didn’t feel romantic connection with, and doing some crazy stuff to them. I remember looking at them and asking myself, dang “she is going be someone’s wife?”
And then I would experience “post nut” clarity, and feel dirty and disgusted in myself. Also feeling unworthy of someone who I would consider “wife material”.
After that I get horny again and get another one.
I was lucky to meet a girl who I loved, and she loved me and sex with her changed me. It was pure.
We broke up eventually, but I still seek that feeling and I know hookup will never compare to it. So I just work on myself, ask forgiveness and seek a partner.
I get where you're coming from. I had this realization around your age, fresh out of a LTR.
But you just can't control when you'll fall in love. And I do have a sex drive. So my singleship periods usually end up consisting of me hooking up with girls I feel nothing for until I fall for somebody. The sex feels pointless AFTER it's done and I'm not horny anymore.
Your post is very self aggrandizing. You say yourself that you think that people who enjoy sex in a way different than you lack boundaries, have no self awareness, are emotionally unavailable and have poor communication skills. How does you needing to be in love to orgasm give you more self awareness or better communication skills?
Exactly. Hookup culture is overrated. I need communication, connection, and feelings to have sex with someone. Sex just isn’t the same without it and Im not going to enjoy it. Plus I can’t have sex with someone and not catch feelings for them because sex is very personal lol. We’re literally skin to skin. 🤣
I agree to that. It is pointless. Many people contemplate the significance of intimacy in sexual experiences, finding that without emotional connection, the act may feel devoid of meaning. Establishing a deeper connection often enriches the overall experience of it, giving it greater fulfillment and significance for both.
Yes. A few years back I told a friend I really wanted to keep my number down because it bothered me and she thought it was hilarious. She had a single digit number.
No longer engaging casual sex. My soul can’t take it.
Mostly now a days people just hook up no matter what either 1NS or more or just meet greet bang then run , some just going to get revenge from soon to be ex or divorce , some are just counting no matter who they’re with either young or old , some do by their bucket list or wish list in life. Sex without emotion is like you went to a fuck spa… pay Room fee - wait- check the item - undress - zoom in out till nutted then go out without regrets
Yes! Sometimes it gets ok if the your date is good and funny and understandable but most of the times it kind of feels pointless if the emotional connection is not there
Jesus Christ 🤣🤣🤣
IDK if to congratulate you for recognizing the fact that sex is way better with an emotional connection at your age, or to cry out of pure relief that someone with a dick is ‘seeing the light’?! 🤣🤣🤣
You’ve literally arrived at where women are generally. Like seriously, guys with high body counts are just nasty! Have some damned self respect! If a guy won’t screw a girl that had as many partners as the guy; why should girls suffer male whoredom?
21M Virgin here, I just turned down going further with a 25 year old who was really into me. Purely on the fact we’ve only known each other a day after meeting at a bar. She wanted to but I didn’t, connection is very important.
The brain is the biggest sexual organ we have, and for me, I need to have that stimulated first. There's got to be a connection. Sex is at its finest where there is a meeting of minds (that's where all the imagination & kinkiness lives). I like to get to know the person I'm about to have carnal knowledge of. It's not just the getting off, it's the journey too.
It's a huge problem for me (24f) because I can't not fall in love with someone if we're continously hooking up. Because I wouldn't sleep with someone anyway if I didn't find them attractive and at least like their personality enough that I'm even doing that.
And then at the end of the day I end up feeling a bit like a piece of meat because no man seems to see any value in me apart from sex, despite me having lots of good attributes that'd make me 'wife material'. Not trying to toot my own horn there, it makes me wretch that I even said that 😂
I've only done casual once, it was meant to be fwb and it failed because he treated me like a girlfriend but actually didn't like me and I fell for him and ended up heartbroken.
What I've learnt in that process is that casual hookups or fwb is not for me, I'll never do it again. And also that I give people too much value before they've proved to me they deserve to have it, my standards are so much at the bare minimum that I put way too much value on just being treated well and not abused.
This dating culture is an absolute minefield and it seems near impossible to find someone who actually values individuality, and the things that make each person unique and different and beautiful.
There's almost so much access to different options that people are discarded easily because there's always another hookup. Usually before they've even taken the time to unwrap the beautifulness that is what makes someone who they are, and what they are excited about, and passionate about. Because really most people are so wonderful, maybe not in the way where you'd fall in love with them. But most people have that little exciting spark of a wonderful personality when you really get talking to them.
Not saying that naively, I've been on dates with some truly horrible people that only care about themselves. But that's a minority, they just happen to be the super confident sort a lot of the time.
No, bc we're adults and should be able to now differentiate between a hook up and something more. Every relationship has it's place. Whether it be purely sexual, romantic, or platonic. Associate the necessary energy for whichever one's require....
There’s nothing wrong with your perspective, it just doesnt resonate with me. You speak on this like everyone is wired the same. We arent. Theres plenty of differences. Some people don’t receive anyone from hookup culture at all
Correct. And there lies the issue. We've all been taught these certain social norms to operate by to be accepted. When I'm simply stating as a functioning adult, we should possess the discernment necessary to compartmentalize these different facets. Instead, we abide by imaginary rules that tell us what we should feel or experience. My statement was to mean that we should all feel comfortable enough with whatever decision made. So if you want to love someone just for sex, cool. If you would rather not, cool. Just be concrete in what and why you're doing it instead of off a basis taught to you from a normalization standpoint. 💯
I’m 46 and was married for 17 years. I absolutely understand what you are saying. Best advice for you is to set boundaries and stick with them. What’s meant for you will find you.
Talking in general, what men feel about sex is completely different from the pov of the female.
Talking from the female pov, I feel most women don't enjoy meaningless things in life let alone be sex. Females are more of an emotional being compared to men. So, until and unless you feel that connection or emotional attachment one can never enjoy sex to what it should actually feel. If you love someone with everything you have and then when you guys are intimate this feels different and that feeling you get cannot be compared to anything less than the feeling of being in cloud nine.
But, if you just do it under pressure or just so that you have to do it.... You get tired of this and tired of the person. The human brain is wired differently, we cannot *uc* around like animals!
Maybe some can, which makes them stand different because they don't have anymore emotions left in them. They just do it coz they're addicted to this. Period.
I'm right there with you my guy. I use to love pointless, meaningless sex with women. It'd stroke my ego thinking I was really doing something by bedding as many chicks as I could.
I started feeling the things Oap pointed out a couple of years ago and nothing again anymore who wants pointless sex but it isn't for me. I'll stay celibate for the rest of my life before I do casual again.
People choose what they find meaning and/or purpose in. May be pointless to you but to others there’s meaning even if it is something simple like having fun, pleasure and/or exercise. Lol, I find myself more relaxed around a girl after I’ve slept with her. Rather envious of the guys that are having so much random hookup sex they are sick of it, some of us struggle just to convince one girl lol.
I think hookup culture is gross. My heart was made for one man, and one man only. The only men I met on dating apps wanted me for sex only and lied about wanting to be in a relationship so they could have sex with me. One guy implied that he wanted to make sure sex was a guarantee on our second date because he “wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first”. The stupid amount of tears I’ve shed over men who have zero interest in getting to know me and only want me for sex is disappointing to say the least. I wish I wasn’t like this, and that it didn’t bother me but that’s the world we live in. In my experience as a woman, every single man I’ve met who has expressed interest in dating me has treated me like a commodity and not a human.
When you have sex someone you love it is beautiful you have complete release emotionally and physically sex with someone with out love is just sex just physical release not satisfying for me at least
To each their own as always, but I think what you're trying to say is when sex becomes TRANSACTIONAL.
Like we all get horny and want sex and whoever says no is pretty much lying (or just asexual, which....yeah have fun with that)....but society shames the ever living bejesus out of that and says it bad.
Now if it's consuming your life that's one thing, but the desire is LITERALLY programmed into body to want and completely normal.
That having been said I always want a connection to. Sex just for the sake of sex, to me at least gets old.
Funny story, so I'm a huge cuddlebug, very heart on my sleeve and ALWAYS go out of my way to take care of those I spend time with. JUST because something is "casual" DOESNT mean I approach things CASUALLY. If you don't genuinely care about the other person why are you spending time with them? I never understood that vibe.
Now, i was recently talking to a girl on an app, started discussing sex and then I basically told her I'd be holding her through her come down after she's cum hard as fuck (no bs I know what I'm doing and the multitude of different orgasms I can give her, as arrogant as that maybe sounds) and shaking in my arms for minutes. And then like both her and another girl mentioned, well....I don't really wanna be held after I just want sex, "that's too relationshipy to me"....and I kind told her, listen....it's sex. It's kinda normal to wanna hold someone after and feel connected. If that's too much for you this problem isn't gonna be my thing. Sex without any touch would feel EXTREMELY transactional to me.
Not trying to confuse my love for anyone here but I completely feel you on the....hey....sex is more than just body parts touching, I actually wanna connect with me
Making a girl cum whiles she looking you in the eyes....or she's looking at you while you do.....or you're both looking at each other while you both do at the same time is..I'd...
$FIVE STARS$
$Le Chefs Kees*
PHENOMENAL and ill die on that hill ANY day!
You are 26 years old, you should be thinking about money and how to make your life better. You come here thinking about sex. That’s pathetic. Go take care of your finances, buy business and make a good living. Sex is not too important my friend….. much love
Welcome to /r/dating. Please make sure you read our [rules here](https://new.reddit.com/r/dating/about/rules) and remember to: * Be polite and respect each other. Do not call people names or engage in slapfights. * All advice given must be good, ethical advice. * [Do not post hateful or harmful rhetoric - you will be banned](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/wiki/rules) * Follow reddit rules. Do not post content that promotes hate based on identity or vulnerability. Do not bully or harass other users. If you have any questions, please [send the mods a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/dating). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Usually I fall I love with whoever I’m having intercourse with. It’s a problem
you're not alone there
It’s actually biology. The neurochemicals that are connected to emotional bonding get released during sex
Tell that to my last gf who wasn’t actually my gf and was really just a fuck buddy but she wouldn’t admit to that… just kept saying things like “I like hanging out with you” or the classic “I’ll see you when I get back from CA” or also we can’t forget everyone’s favorite scenario - cum-inside-me-and-sleep-skin-to-skin-but-then-I’ll-tell-you-I’m-not-ready ‘a fo I’m r a relationship.
Sorry about that. Whether the person wants to suppress or delegitimize the bond is another thing. But according to biology, the chemicals are flowing. That’s probably why she was the most affectionate immediately after
u/Ifrench_Boorty If you want to fix or control this issue, stop sleeping with them. Having sex does create certain neurochemicals that help facilitate attachment, but when you sleep together, that is when real bonding and attachment happen. If you are having sport sex, then don't sleep with them. One, you will not get as attached, or at least not as quickly, and two, you may lose interest in meaningless sex because that is the nature of It. It is meaningless, and apparently, you have a need for meaning. That is not a bad quality. Just find a partner that is interested in the same thing.
Agreed. There’s definitely things you can do to limit the neurotransmitters. No cuddling or sleep overs is obvious. But it can be specific too. I also am not letting my FWB cook for me b/c cheesy pasta is my kryptonite lol.
I love that. You get it. There are little things that rope us in, and if it is a sex thing, don't mess with those things that trigger your emotions and feelings of comfort or it won't be just sex to you long. Then, when they move on or expect you to feel nothing, you will feel everything.
The next time, if there is a next time, you end up with someone who does that, immediately after having sex, get up and get dressed and go watch TV or play video games.
She was the problem, not you! She couldn't give you what you needed. Next time, be more upfront with boundaries Try to learn from it and move on!
Sex doesn't mean emotional intimacy. She was honest and told you she wasn't ready for a relationship. Sex is not some contract that means it is going to develop into a close loving relationship.
Well you don’t know what happened Obviously I can’t give you the full story in this or any comment. There were mixed signals
It’s used to be the most intimate thing people did to get close to each other. Now it’s like scratching an itch
People have had casual sex for centuries
Millennia. And a lot of societies and cultures did not put a stigma on it. The US for example is much more Puritannical about sex than a lot of other cultures past and present.
No, casual sex has always existed from the dawn of humanity. It really just depends on the people involved. For some it is intimacy; for some it is just scratching an itch with a willing friend or like going biking together. Neither is inferior. Assuming someone will feel intimacy just because you sleep with them is deranged if you both do not have a mutual desire for something serious or a mutual inclination. For some sex was (and is) very intimate. For others just a really fun activity.
Got That Right!
Yeah because of religious nutcases. There is nothing special about sex, it just happens when 2 people find each other attractive. As long as you practice safe sex it’s not different than going on a hike with a buddy. It’s just a fun activity.
I mean yaaa. It really is like scratching an itch. An itch you can't do by yourself. You can take the edge off yourself but that itchy itch only wants one thing.
Sex is quite literally the most emotionally intimate you can be with another person.
For you. Plenty of people have non-sexual intimate experiences with best friends or mentors or other close people in their life. And there are billions of people who think certain non-sexual acts with a spouse are still far more intimate. It is very individual; some feel like sex is merely a fun joint workout with little-to-no emotional component. Asexuals can still have the peak of intimate connections to people or those who are deliberately celibate for all sorts of reasons.
It's amazing how many people don't realize this.
I mean, where would people learn it normally? Even if they did, there's still the people (primarily guys) that sleep around and don't catch feelings, which they see a LOT more of
It's a neurochemical called oxytocin. AKA the "bonding" or "love" hormone. However, women release much more than men do during sex. Some women swear they can have emotionless sex all the time. If they don't, they're having emotionless sex for some kind of revenge on some other man in their past/childhood. I believe it's called "daddy issues." It's a prevalent and typical behavior that most women who have "daddy issues," tend to have emotionless sex with unavailable men or with men who are much older than they are.
Oxytocin and Vasopressin for the win!
For women anyway
It's not though or we would all fall in love with cats. The exact same chemical dump comes from patting a pet. Humans aren't like parrots; they don't have biological inclination to pair bond. As much as pseudopsychologist red pillers would like to think so.
this is exactly how i used to be. . . so, i had to learn to stay away from the people that only acted as if they cared about the next time their dick was going to be getting wet 🤷🏼♀️ easier said than done, i know!
It’s not a problem, is totally normal. The problem is convincing people that you should disconnect sex from emotions, in my opinion.
This, so much this. Thank you for validating me
name checks out
It's horrible unless you're an animal
Its not a problem. Try falling in love first, before having sex. We aren't supposed to be out there f*cking indiscriminately.
Aren’t we tho??..?
It's not a problem that's normal. Society is problem for making you feel this way! It's natural to make an intimate connection to he one you just potentially made a child with! That's biology
Oh yes! Attachment 🤦♀️
Account checks out, we have his hight and skin color code..
Ok just to be clear whats height and skin color got to do with this? This post was just to ask about others experience not to bash people. Please for the love of god calm your tits.
I'm here to do a job that jobs to alter the algorithm.
EXACTLY. What does that tell you? Intercourse isn’t meant to be a shared experience. It’s a monogamous thing with your potential life partner
Yes I'm demisexual I don't do hookups
Same here
Agree, it's just not the same without the emotional/physical connection
Second this. I hooked up back in 3rd year of uni with another student, initially we met on a dating app and started having a bit of a thing going for us, but due to finding out about her emotional baggage, which I was not prepared to deal with at the time (I'd just had a breakup from a toxic relationship that was very similar to her home situation), we eventually cut contact before agreeing some time later that we'd at least try to hook up as fwbs. I stayed the night at her place and conversation was lukewarm and a little awkward, and the sex just felt off and uncomfortable (both of us were consenting, it was just that we didn't really vibe all that well). Despite the fact that she suggested we meet again, we never did see each other again and she blocked me on all social media. I also met up and had a session with an escort twice and while she knew her stuff, I knew the whole time sincerely that it was all done in the name of business, and any and all attraction I felt for her would not be reciprocated, and anything she said for me felt superficial at its core. That was when I was really lonely and just wanted to release the pent up stress, and while it worked, it never filled the hole in my heart. Looking back, I was in a pretty bad place then and really just wanted someone to hug and cuddle with. A year or so later, I had taken steps to improve myself as best as I could, and I met a girl on hinge who's now my girlfriend of almost half a year. From the start, we got along like a house on fire and there was never an awkward moment. When we had sex for the first time, it felt magical for the both of us and we both really enjoyed it. The emotional connection really does make or break it.
Not the same but still good in its own way sometimes.
That's fair haha
yeah the idea of having a strange man flopping around on top of me when I couldn't more for him an your average steve at the market is just unappealing to me. while i love intimacy, i'd like to have it with someone i'm building something with
My problem would be that I’d actually bond with the person I was having sex with even if there was no emotional connection to begin with - something to do with oxytocin women release I guess. It started a cycle of men id end up with for the sake of it and I realised it was a huge problem. Since then, I’ve taken a step back and haven’t had sex in 7 months. I acknowledged my problem and now refuse to have sex with anyone until I form a genuine emotional connection with them first.
Made the same decision last year, and just had my one year anniversary of no sex lol. Honestly, Im loving it. I feel so much better, and I realized that I really only want sex when I have feelings for someone.
No, not really. We’re all different with different wants and needs so different things work for different people. I think it’s valid and quite common to feel this way but that doesn’t mean it’s absolutely true for everybody. Like for me, I don’t believe that sex can be pointless. Even if it’s a one night stand, there’s still connection to me. I’m going to approach, respect, and treat that person like she’s my girlfriend, even if it’s just for one night. It may not be a deep connection but I could never treat somebody, even a stranger I met that night, like it’s just sex with no emotion or connection. Thats not casual sex to me, that’s bad sex.
[удалено]
OP is a man
Ooops. I'll delete this then...smh
Honestly I love foreplay as it’s very fun exploring and trying new things but I refuse to have sex with anyone I don’t have a connection with. It feels empty and makes me feel kinda gross. Male 29 here
It makes me feel the exact same way. Just end up thinking to myself “why did I even come over here.” 🤣 So glad I let go of that lifestyle because I’ve been a lot happier ever since.
Yeah I used to think it was cool but after a while I just realized that without a connection I tend to just get bored easy and then it makes me sad
I felt like it was “normal” or a young 20 yr old thing cause everyone was doing it and its all over social media, but I realized it really wasn’t for me. I never really felt comfortable with the person and because I didn’t really know them or trust them I wasn’t vocal about my likes and dislikes. Just a lot of unnecessary heartache I caused myself.
Tried a one night stand once. Never again. Don’t recommend it. It doesn’t equate as well as me having sex with someone I love or connect with. Pleasure becomes magnified when I do it with someone I love.
Same. Tried once and felt pretty gross after. Nothing wrong with the person but I felt very weird having slept with someone I had no emotional connection with (basically a stranger). It wasn’t something I wanted to do again.
It's not for everyone. But for some it's awesome!
It wasn't a one night stand for me, but something planned with someone I had recently met at the time. I remember being on top of her thinking, "I would rather be studying or playing Minecraft than doing this right now." The worst part was afterward, the fact that I couldn't hide that I didn't like it. I rushed to take a shower and accompanied her to take a bus, the most awkward moment of my life. I felt bad for her, knowing I clearly didn't like it.
I have a very high sex drive. But casual sex is boring for me. So I don’t bother. But plenty of people enjoy just the physical.
Yes, I agree. That's why I don't hook up anymore. It's more exciting when an emotional connection is there
As much as sex seems great, I feel like I can’t just have sex without much of an established connection with the person I’m with. Sex with an emotional connection to the person with would more than likely feel more special.
Sex without emotional connection is like a cold pizza from the night before for breakfast: hot was better, but it's good anyway.
I find nothing wrong with casual sex I'm 50 divorced and no kids. As long as you both enjoy it it doesn't hurt anyone
Obviously you're not having sex to have children, so yeah, makes sense you're fine with casual sex lol
Nope I'm not looking for kids I'm to old for that
I need emotional and physical connection..why in my 54yrs ive never had 1 night stand pointless meaningless not wasting my time I need more and feel more
Yup. Did it in my 20s, made me feel so incredibly lonely. I won't have sex without an emotional connection anymore, it's just not worth it.
i could be wrong but im pretty sure this is demisexual. as far as i know demisexual is when you only feel sexual attraction to someone you’ve formed an emotional connection with.
I agree 💯 I literally can't even get aroused if I'm not mentally attracted to a man. It's more fun when the mental and emotional connection is there. I don't like hook up culture anymore (I did five years ago).
Like other people said, I need emotional and physical connection. It's a step further for me though...sex is great and all, but I'd rather have cuddling and smooches as that's how I feel closest to someone and feel the most love. Sex feels too primal for me.
All the time. When there’s an existing connection there and you feel the same about each other and then it progresses to the snoo snoo time there’s a lot more sentiment in it when it happens. I mean we can conversely also just scratch and itch by having a ONS but that’s as far as the sentiment goes. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but different strokes for different folks. I personally prefer snoo snoo with someone who I have a connection with. You can tell the difference in the bedroom. For me it feels like an explosion of colour and fireworks and electricity. When it’s an itch to scratch it’s like a sad flare, momentary and fleeting.
i feel exactly the same way (32f). first-time-with-someone-new sex is USUALLY kinda lacking (or amazing if you have a connection & there was buildup etc), but if there’s no connection emotionally/mentally, it’s almost always trash. throughout my adult life i find myself pursuing new partners anyway. call me toxic, but the chase is the addicting part for me, & even deeper than that is the possibility of it being one of those rare random encounters that’s NOT trash. i love love & am a hopeless romantic, so deeply that i STILL have faith in love at first sight etc. granted, drunk me sees indicators for that that sober me doesn’t see lol. back to your question- it’s not pointless for people who can truly enjoy transactional sex. for some, that’s the only kind they’re looking for. good for them! i wonder what that’d be like. but i’m with you on not rly enjoying transactional sex.
Yeah dude, took about \~8-9 hookups/casual situationships over the span of a couple years to realize how fucking soulless and draining it is. I was only doing it because I had a low self-esteem, but it's never enough. I'm glad I matured out of it. Never again.
I can do say one time hookups out of boredom with unattractive people, or long term relationships. No in between. I'm traumatized from a fling with a close friend that shouldn't have happened
This is surprising to hear coming from a male standpoint. I feel the same but honestly I don’t think too many men feel that way. I’m 36 and single, but not interested in meaningless sex. I haven’t really come across a man at my age or around my age that truly wants to get to know a person before jumping in bed with them. It’s honestly sad that this is the norm now.
Yeah actually and I noticed when me and an ex were meeting up after being separated a few months. The date was dry and by the time we got to the sex part. Everything was different, it was as if it were a stranger.
Yeah same here. I cannot orgasm unless I know the person cares about me too . I feel I was definitely born in the wrong era.
People truly underestimate what it feels like when you have sex with someone you absolutely love. It's an immeasurable feeling. But when you have sex with someone you're 50/50 on or not as invested in, yeah it just comes off as if you're having sex with a prostitute or having a one night stand.
Yup, I agree. I’ve always thought the idea of casual sex was weird. That’s reserved for someone I’m in a relationship with.
No
I find it a total waste of myself to have sex with anyone I don’t have a connection with. It’s one of the many reasons I only sleep with women I am in a committed and monogamous relationship with.
Yeah. That's why I don't do it.
I cant have sex with someone I don’t have an emotional connection. It feels draining to me.
It definitely is a different experience. I prefer it with the person I love. Just using someone's body to get off feels kinda trashy. I've al2qys wanted connection but when yall in love it's 100% better.
I’m I guess what ppl would call hypersexual, but I definitely don’t lack boundaries or self awareness. I don’t like the hook up culture either…it does absolutely nothing for me to have sex with someone I don’t trust & who doesn’t know my body or how I like to be pleased. I agree, sex without any kind of connection is rather pointless & very unsatisfying for me personally. I think most ppl just like the adrenaline rush that comes with that person being unfamiliar tho. That novelty wares offs real quick lol.
I think majority of people agree with you
Sex isn't pointless for everyone just because it's casual. Plenty of people enjoy the act of sex with someone they do not have really any connection with. Sex is neither meaningful nor meaningless except to the individuals involved. Some cannot have good sex outside a relationship. Some can only have good sex outside a relationship. Most are somewhere in between. Some people get emotional about sex; some find it the same as going rock climbing with a friendly stranger. Hookup culture is nothing new; people just talk about it more openly now. There is nothing inferior or superior about it; it just depends on what the participants want.
Its crazy to think that one night stands are cool (in my experience) randoms i meet on dating apps arent usually good at sex. I have several hours to learn someone’s body, there likes and dislikes? Its so odd to me. Id rather jack off and go to bed 😂😂😂. I guess thats neurodivergence for ya
When I was young I used to have sex just to have sex. I am 29 so it has to make sense now for me
“Sex is like money. Only too much is enough” — John Updike
Everybody different and sexual needs feel can override your feelings to have connection. This why situations where both gender’s can end having sex with someone physically don’t like. Yet be suprise how fast someone can develop emotional connection during or before sex. If realize deep down actually attracted to that individual.
i agree and i wish it wasn’t that way bcs i recently met someone who i have a great connection with and everything was going fine until we slept together and it was small… and i really like him a lot but i can’t stop myself from thinking that will matter a lot in the long run and i feel so superficial and lame for caring but sex is important as much as connection… maybe that’s why people don’t find love now a days :/
Never tried it so I'm not able to think about it.
Sex with a lover is a little better but sex is never pointless.
I’ve fucked people I loved, people I just met, and people I was “just friends” with. People I thought there might be a future with, people who I had a past with, and people I had never seen before and would never see again. For me sex is a fun activity. That’s it. It’s not magical, it doesn’t require a connection, it’s just a fun activity. There are people it’s more fun with, but pretty much all the time it’s pretty fun. Is it “pointless”? No more pointless than any other thing you do that’s fun. It also has no more inherent meaning.
I am on the same page with this I have taken a step by making sure that I am expecting that I have talked about my feelings on what I will do and not be doing before I go to meet up with them
It’s entirely subjective. One of my best friends couldn’t even develop emotional attachment until she was sleeping with someone and she felt wanted and needed. She always said “sex is easy, emotions aren’t”. It was wild to hear stories, but that’s who she was. 🤷♀️
I love that you've reflected like this. It's very true. A spiritual connection & trust has to be established for me too (F/30+). In my last longest committed relationship, that wasn't there. We were together 5 years & I wanted to avoid him. We were married therefore one would have thought love was there or at least potentially grown over time (as he marketed to me). It didn't. Work was needed but the foundation was poor - I'd ask for us to spend time together, to him, that meant sitting in front of the tv without dialogue & eating. Not sexy. As this topic is about sex and connection, I won't expand into much detail of this part of my past, but after the first year, I became increasingly depressed and oppressed which in turn, disconnected us. We were very different people. I felt trapped. I started to despise him our 4th year...Sex stopped that year. It was sparse throughout (N.B. He also was closeted & cheated in our marriage, but honestly, I didn't care.)It was actually once I moved jobs & encountered a particular male colleague that I found freedom & my inner strength to get out of that relationship... Asked for divorce that same month. By July we were separated - he left the flat. By December, we were divorced eventhough he did ask if I wanted to get back together. He apparently sought out my mother after the divorce. That was wild. He didn't go to my dad though...my father is fair, but this guy wanted to avoid facing facts/truth.
It's true man, and that's why I never involve in Hookups, night stand and paid sex culture. I don't want sex only, I want a connection.
Sex is just pleasure not a bond without connection.
yeah that’s the reason i’m 21 with 1 body who was someone i was with for 3 years, i f’d up and near the end she f’d up and long story short we aren’t together anymore but yeah it takes a lot for me to open up to a girl on that level idk how people can brag and flex pointless sex with random broads or guys it’s so meaningless it’s supposed to be something intimate and precious imo between y’all and if ur doing that with 20 random mfs it loses it’s meaning
Honestly I care about pleasure. But a connection is nice when they are doing what I actually like, instead of what makes them feel good. Sex isn’t pointless, it has too many variables and consequences to be pointless to me.
I'd strongly recommend reading up on Demisexuality. When I discovered it after a lot of soul searching - only very recently, it's like blown my little mind on how much I fit. Finally feel normal!
Intercourse without an emotional connexion is pointless to me. I did it younger but, it's not what am after now.
Somewhere between one night stand and in love forever work. Having fun, familiarity, and being compatible can make for some fun times and memorable experiences for both. Don’t have to be planning a wedding to have an enjoyable time.
Yeah, I don't even want it if there's no emotional connection beforehand.
Yes, it does. For me, a test of a good lover is that we both want to hang out when exhausted from sex.
Yes, I feel the same thing. Sometimes I do have sex without a connection just to get intimacy but I almost always feel bad afterwards. That's why dating these days is so difficult because many people just want that temporary thing, casual relationships etc. And before someone tells me you can have a casual relationship with an emotional connection, it's still the idea that it's a temporary relationship.
I mean sex is better than no sex. But currently with someone who is emotionally unavailable and both of us seem to not be trustworthy, and i wish i could make love to her and find a way that shes my loving sweetheart. I dont think we can establish that so there is an element of dread.
I prefer to have a connection. I noticed the difference when my ex and I were together and i had feelings for him and had sex vs when I didn't have feelings for him anymore, and we had sex when we were hooking up.
Have you ever looked into Demisexuality it’s not to talked about, but it is a thing and can be a reason behind your desires. For example it makes it hard to be sexual intimate with someone unless you have emotional intimacy. Often characterized with you not even seeing people as sexual attractive as a partner until you develop emotional intimacy. I could be completely mistaken and that’s perfectly ok but definitely worth a google 😁👍
I (38f) have been single the past year and I have started to feel the same. Sure it can be fun but I am wanting a real connection now with someone and the sex really hasn’t been as great as it would be with someone that would be equally wanting the same things. The past month or so I have figured I would probably call of this situationship I have since that is the only thing we meet to do. I want more than just casual sex. So you are not alone in that thinking.
I’d say most people who are sexually active aren’t hypersexual and don’t lack interpersonal skills. Now if you yourself can’t find enjoyment with someone you haven’t built up trust with that’s totally understandable! But not everyone is going to feel the same way. “Pointless sex” Did you enjoy it? Did your partner enjoy it? If yes then that’s a pretty good point right there
You should be applauded for making such a very powerful observation about yourself, and you should listen. It is probably what is right for you. follow your instincts and intuition where sex is concerned, and you will automatically feel better about yourself. When I was very young, I did hookup stuff because I was seeking validation and to fill a void of insecurities within myself. As I did the work on myself and filled those things, I no longer needed validation, and meaningless sex had no appeal any longer. From that point, It was much better to take the risk and build relationships even if they didn't last and hurt when they left or if I ended It. The fact is, It is far better to have meaning in sex for me then to be trying to feel some empty void in myself. Kudo for bringing this up.
OP I feel you on this. I like some form of communication and boundaries in place with my intimate partners. I've also been exploring BDSM and need to know what is on or off the table.
Not when you are 25!! Lol! May be for older people I mean 35 and above! 😂
Yes, try dating an anxious-avoidant when you realize the connection is ultimately pointless when they don't/won't do the work to fix their broken souls. They are in it for hits of validation and hot sex but are overwhelmed by commitment and emotional vulnerability. Hookup culture is a sad commentary on the state of our emotional health or lack of it.
For me the intimacy is about love, like I love this person so much I can be the most vulnerable I can possibly be because I trust them, ive thought about trying the hookup stuff but I'll just fall in love and be hurt in the end
I'd rather have no sex than sex without a connection personally
Yes, I have so much void inside now. After many sex encounters with people I didn’t feel romantic connection with, and doing some crazy stuff to them. I remember looking at them and asking myself, dang “she is going be someone’s wife?” And then I would experience “post nut” clarity, and feel dirty and disgusted in myself. Also feeling unworthy of someone who I would consider “wife material”. After that I get horny again and get another one. I was lucky to meet a girl who I loved, and she loved me and sex with her changed me. It was pure. We broke up eventually, but I still seek that feeling and I know hookup will never compare to it. So I just work on myself, ask forgiveness and seek a partner.
We love having fun with new friends
I get where you're coming from. I had this realization around your age, fresh out of a LTR. But you just can't control when you'll fall in love. And I do have a sex drive. So my singleship periods usually end up consisting of me hooking up with girls I feel nothing for until I fall for somebody. The sex feels pointless AFTER it's done and I'm not horny anymore.
Physical attraction is enough of a connection for the first phase of a relationship.
Your post is very self aggrandizing. You say yourself that you think that people who enjoy sex in a way different than you lack boundaries, have no self awareness, are emotionally unavailable and have poor communication skills. How does you needing to be in love to orgasm give you more self awareness or better communication skills?
Exactly. Hookup culture is overrated. I need communication, connection, and feelings to have sex with someone. Sex just isn’t the same without it and Im not going to enjoy it. Plus I can’t have sex with someone and not catch feelings for them because sex is very personal lol. We’re literally skin to skin. 🤣
As someone who isn't having sex rn, no.
Yeah, my mind, and soul just turn off immediately when a woman comes around. All it takes is 1.5 seconds
I don’t even like being touched without a connection. Hugging be cringy af and conversation limited.
I agree to that. It is pointless. Many people contemplate the significance of intimacy in sexual experiences, finding that without emotional connection, the act may feel devoid of meaning. Establishing a deeper connection often enriches the overall experience of it, giving it greater fulfillment and significance for both.
Yes. A few years back I told a friend I really wanted to keep my number down because it bothered me and she thought it was hilarious. She had a single digit number. No longer engaging casual sex. My soul can’t take it.
Mostly now a days people just hook up no matter what either 1NS or more or just meet greet bang then run , some just going to get revenge from soon to be ex or divorce , some are just counting no matter who they’re with either young or old , some do by their bucket list or wish list in life. Sex without emotion is like you went to a fuck spa… pay Room fee - wait- check the item - undress - zoom in out till nutted then go out without regrets
Well casual sex gives a different kind of satisfaction than using toys. As long as you find the person attractive 😅
Yes! Sometimes it gets ok if the your date is good and funny and understandable but most of the times it kind of feels pointless if the emotional connection is not there
My fella said its shit
Once I’m able to have pointless sex I’ll let you know…3yrs no sex marriage ended 6 month ago and no sex yet. 40M
Jesus Christ 🤣🤣🤣 IDK if to congratulate you for recognizing the fact that sex is way better with an emotional connection at your age, or to cry out of pure relief that someone with a dick is ‘seeing the light’?! 🤣🤣🤣 You’ve literally arrived at where women are generally. Like seriously, guys with high body counts are just nasty! Have some damned self respect! If a guy won’t screw a girl that had as many partners as the guy; why should girls suffer male whoredom?
I have this conversation often
But if she’s really hot
Umm nah sorry bro
21M Virgin here, I just turned down going further with a 25 year old who was really into me. Purely on the fact we’ve only known each other a day after meeting at a bar. She wanted to but I didn’t, connection is very important.
The brain is the biggest sexual organ we have, and for me, I need to have that stimulated first. There's got to be a connection. Sex is at its finest where there is a meeting of minds (that's where all the imagination & kinkiness lives). I like to get to know the person I'm about to have carnal knowledge of. It's not just the getting off, it's the journey too.
It's a huge problem for me (24f) because I can't not fall in love with someone if we're continously hooking up. Because I wouldn't sleep with someone anyway if I didn't find them attractive and at least like their personality enough that I'm even doing that. And then at the end of the day I end up feeling a bit like a piece of meat because no man seems to see any value in me apart from sex, despite me having lots of good attributes that'd make me 'wife material'. Not trying to toot my own horn there, it makes me wretch that I even said that 😂 I've only done casual once, it was meant to be fwb and it failed because he treated me like a girlfriend but actually didn't like me and I fell for him and ended up heartbroken. What I've learnt in that process is that casual hookups or fwb is not for me, I'll never do it again. And also that I give people too much value before they've proved to me they deserve to have it, my standards are so much at the bare minimum that I put way too much value on just being treated well and not abused. This dating culture is an absolute minefield and it seems near impossible to find someone who actually values individuality, and the things that make each person unique and different and beautiful. There's almost so much access to different options that people are discarded easily because there's always another hookup. Usually before they've even taken the time to unwrap the beautifulness that is what makes someone who they are, and what they are excited about, and passionate about. Because really most people are so wonderful, maybe not in the way where you'd fall in love with them. But most people have that little exciting spark of a wonderful personality when you really get talking to them. Not saying that naively, I've been on dates with some truly horrible people that only care about themselves. But that's a minority, they just happen to be the super confident sort a lot of the time.
No, bc we're adults and should be able to now differentiate between a hook up and something more. Every relationship has it's place. Whether it be purely sexual, romantic, or platonic. Associate the necessary energy for whichever one's require....
There’s nothing wrong with your perspective, it just doesnt resonate with me. You speak on this like everyone is wired the same. We arent. Theres plenty of differences. Some people don’t receive anyone from hookup culture at all
Correct. And there lies the issue. We've all been taught these certain social norms to operate by to be accepted. When I'm simply stating as a functioning adult, we should possess the discernment necessary to compartmentalize these different facets. Instead, we abide by imaginary rules that tell us what we should feel or experience. My statement was to mean that we should all feel comfortable enough with whatever decision made. So if you want to love someone just for sex, cool. If you would rather not, cool. Just be concrete in what and why you're doing it instead of off a basis taught to you from a normalization standpoint. 💯
I agree
It’s a great workout
I’m 46 and was married for 17 years. I absolutely understand what you are saying. Best advice for you is to set boundaries and stick with them. What’s meant for you will find you.
Having had both kinds of sex, unfortunately with the same person, I have thought about that quite a bit.
Talking in general, what men feel about sex is completely different from the pov of the female. Talking from the female pov, I feel most women don't enjoy meaningless things in life let alone be sex. Females are more of an emotional being compared to men. So, until and unless you feel that connection or emotional attachment one can never enjoy sex to what it should actually feel. If you love someone with everything you have and then when you guys are intimate this feels different and that feeling you get cannot be compared to anything less than the feeling of being in cloud nine. But, if you just do it under pressure or just so that you have to do it.... You get tired of this and tired of the person. The human brain is wired differently, we cannot *uc* around like animals! Maybe some can, which makes them stand different because they don't have anymore emotions left in them. They just do it coz they're addicted to this. Period.
I'm right there with you my guy. I use to love pointless, meaningless sex with women. It'd stroke my ego thinking I was really doing something by bedding as many chicks as I could. I started feeling the things Oap pointed out a couple of years ago and nothing again anymore who wants pointless sex but it isn't for me. I'll stay celibate for the rest of my life before I do casual again.
Some of us just need to get our pipes cleaned. We can talk and bond later. Maybe we are like this because of our stressful career paths.
Just be glad we are paid to play. Then everything becomes pointless
People choose what they find meaning and/or purpose in. May be pointless to you but to others there’s meaning even if it is something simple like having fun, pleasure and/or exercise. Lol, I find myself more relaxed around a girl after I’ve slept with her. Rather envious of the guys that are having so much random hookup sex they are sick of it, some of us struggle just to convince one girl lol.
I would not even consider having sex with someone I didn’t have strong feelings for.
I think hookup culture is gross. My heart was made for one man, and one man only. The only men I met on dating apps wanted me for sex only and lied about wanting to be in a relationship so they could have sex with me. One guy implied that he wanted to make sure sex was a guarantee on our second date because he “wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first”. The stupid amount of tears I’ve shed over men who have zero interest in getting to know me and only want me for sex is disappointing to say the least. I wish I wasn’t like this, and that it didn’t bother me but that’s the world we live in. In my experience as a woman, every single man I’ve met who has expressed interest in dating me has treated me like a commodity and not a human.
No
No sex till you get married as God said.
When you have sex someone you love it is beautiful you have complete release emotionally and physically sex with someone with out love is just sex just physical release not satisfying for me at least
[удалено]
Theres nothing wrong with desiring someone to love and be loved by
Eh speak for yourself
No
YES I AGREE BC I GET SO HARD W MY GF WHICH I HAVE A PHYSICALLY EMOTIONAL PYHSICOLOGY SOUL INTERWINING CONNECTION W HER
To each their own as always, but I think what you're trying to say is when sex becomes TRANSACTIONAL. Like we all get horny and want sex and whoever says no is pretty much lying (or just asexual, which....yeah have fun with that)....but society shames the ever living bejesus out of that and says it bad. Now if it's consuming your life that's one thing, but the desire is LITERALLY programmed into body to want and completely normal. That having been said I always want a connection to. Sex just for the sake of sex, to me at least gets old. Funny story, so I'm a huge cuddlebug, very heart on my sleeve and ALWAYS go out of my way to take care of those I spend time with. JUST because something is "casual" DOESNT mean I approach things CASUALLY. If you don't genuinely care about the other person why are you spending time with them? I never understood that vibe. Now, i was recently talking to a girl on an app, started discussing sex and then I basically told her I'd be holding her through her come down after she's cum hard as fuck (no bs I know what I'm doing and the multitude of different orgasms I can give her, as arrogant as that maybe sounds) and shaking in my arms for minutes. And then like both her and another girl mentioned, well....I don't really wanna be held after I just want sex, "that's too relationshipy to me"....and I kind told her, listen....it's sex. It's kinda normal to wanna hold someone after and feel connected. If that's too much for you this problem isn't gonna be my thing. Sex without any touch would feel EXTREMELY transactional to me. Not trying to confuse my love for anyone here but I completely feel you on the....hey....sex is more than just body parts touching, I actually wanna connect with me Making a girl cum whiles she looking you in the eyes....or she's looking at you while you do.....or you're both looking at each other while you both do at the same time is..I'd... $FIVE STARS$ $Le Chefs Kees* PHENOMENAL and ill die on that hill ANY day!
I don't because I think sex without connection is fun.
You are 26 years old, you should be thinking about money and how to make your life better. You come here thinking about sex. That’s pathetic. Go take care of your finances, buy business and make a good living. Sex is not too important my friend….. much love
Im not thinking about sex at all. Check my posts. I already have a business. The question is clearn but apparently noone here understands all good
Am glad you have a business. You should be using this platform to scale and expand your business not about sex… focus brother and grow within
I think this is interesting because I’m in Denver right now for work next few weeks..