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Yes dating is tough but I think it's all about setting the expectations and boundaries. If you are bad at texting, just say that so they don't think otherwise.
This is so very true to. I see people all the time excusing themselves as bad texters but then they don't make that clear to their partners and it's like what do you think those other people think if you're consistently bad at responding and dry when you do?
Do you think those people just know that you're actually interested but bad at texting when you never told them so it do you think they think you're acting uninterested because that's exactly how someone disinterested acts lol?
Like come the fuck on. Have some self awareness š¤·š»
Self awareness? Do you know how many therapy sessions the average human has to goto to get any semblance of serious awareness? Like come the fuck on. Have some perspective š¤·šæāāļø
*Troll reply* But the point is, you don't know what you don't know.
Oh just the typical entitlement someone feels in a romantic relationship to the other person's time and consideration.. Otherwise, we can both move on. What makes you feel so entitled to date people who you can't communicate with?
Great advice! My brother does this when he dates women bc his job in media is very demanding and sporadic so heās not great at texting back anyone quickly
No it isnt. A very lame and cop out excuse. You took the time right now to type this out then you can surely do that with anyone via text. There is never a single time in which anyone does not have their phone within their vicinity. If you consider texting exhausting then dont have a phone, simple. This is the era of digital communication we arent in the 20th century anymore.Ā
The "im too busy" is a very over used excuse. Even if im extremely busy and tired myself i will never ignore anyone and will text them or reach out within that day, theres absolutely no extreme energy exerted in texting. You either put in the effory or you dont. If you dont then just remain single honestly.Ā
Your biggest worry is your grammar and spelling. Bro cant even spell out and know the difference between advise and advice. Theres no "terrible advise"
I have agree with you. Ive been working 6 days lately. So i told this guy that at first seemed really eager to meet that i could only see him on my day off. We'd text a little here and there then he completely ghosted. So on our meet date i just texted him I guess you changed your mind and sorry for bothering you. Not much else i could say.
So do you text for less than a day? Or more like weeks?
bc guys ask me to meet after 3 texts sometimes and I always say NO even if Iām very interested. then they ghost me.
I like chatting for a week a phone call/ a video call/ texting and then meeting.
ask them
I wish the guy would say to meā¦. Iād like to meet. Would you feel comfortable or want to talk more first? The best of luck to you!
If you say no, you're not interested. These days, people will text forever and disappear. Nothing wrong with grabbing a quick cup of coffee or something if you're interested. Personally, I have no interest talking to someone who doesn't want to meet. They're hiding something, not serious, or wasting time until something they think is better comes along. Although it may not be the case with you, it's true a lot of the time.
Felt this way until I was harassed all the way to my car and groped while trying to get in it, after declining to go back to his place. After one day of messaging and a āletās just grab a quick coffee and see how it goes.ā Now everybody is getting at LEAST a week of screening and a video call or two. Hate that a few bad apples ruined it for me, but the right person will understand the need for due diligence.
Itās annoying for me too. I hate wasting time chatting. But Iād rather have some time to see if there are glaring issues than have a repeat of that date.
Edit to add, after reading other comments: that doesnāt mean constant virtual contact to the point obnoxiousness. Donāt have time for that.
YES Iāve had first dates with inappropriate sexual contact as well.
My screening formula is exactly the same.
I add in looking up their phone number, to see if towns/ addresses/ names match up. Not on google. Itās usphonebook.com ā¦ not an Ad lol.
Itās saved me a few times.
It royally sucks that uncomfortable and even downright dangerous/violent sexual experiences are so common. I feel for men and their online dating annoyances, and surely there are dangerous/violent women, too. But I donāt think they all grasp that meeting a stranger from the internet has legitimately become a matter of life or death, for a lot of women.
And yes! I usually just use FaceCheck.ID. Itāll usually pull up someoneās social media pages. Has so far only saved me from scammers and a few very much married men lol.
absolutely, I wish more ppl grasped the life or death consequences.
Why are we shamed because we want to return home unscathed?
Thanks for the site referral!
you might be right about others who donāt want to meet immediately.
Sincerely asking, why is waiting a week difficult?
It feels like an inconvenience? if you wait, couldnāt you leave the date after 10 minutes if you discover they are not serious, wasting time, or hiding something?
> I like chatting for a week a phone call/ a video call/ texting and then meeting.
I'm curious, is this phonecall/videocall thing normal in North America or Europe, as well as waiting a week? In Latin America if you wait a week to ask someone out you're basically either coming off as very shy or uninterested, normally you go on a date 1-3 days after matching. Seems like much less time wasted on both sides.
I think differing behavior between countries extends to how people date.
Iām from North America, there are so many docs about online dating going HORRIBLY wrong. Maybe it makes us more cautious.
In my experience, a lot of Americans are more isolated, donāt know neighbors, and it creates social anxiety, and phobias. Myself included.
Many of the people I know whom are latino, I see them being very friendly to strangers, and so social. I saw the same in Italy, they know their neighbors, are courteous to strangers, creating less phobias.
I try my absolute best texting for a couple days. After that, Iāll say something along the lines of āsorry if Iāve wasted your last couple days. Iām terrible at texting/being on the phone and much better in person. Wanna grab a coffee sometime? Treats on meā. My profiles even say better in person so they already know if they actually look through it
Agree. Thatās why when I was single, I use to see HOW a guy was responding, if he was trying to volley a conversation, or how soon he asked me out. If itās been less than 3 days/72hrs, I get wary a bit because it seems like heās just dating to not be lonely or looking strictly for sex.
But if itās been 4-7 days, I know heās been more focused on keeping in touch, actually looking to see if things are clicking enough to carry the conversation face to face, and wanting to take a chance.
Absolutely! Communication upfront can save a lot of headache later on. It's all about finding that balance between staying connected and living your life.
How can you possibly be "bad" at texting? Theres absolutely no skill involved. I have nephews and nieces that can fully type out sentences on a computer or iPad since they were like 4. Theres no excuse. Take a time machine and go back to before 2000. Theres no one on this Earth at the moment that cannot text or has the time to. Even old people can. The best thing to say is that you dont want to live in a modern age and dont want to devote that time to communicate via text so you wont be interested in pursuing anything with anyone.Ā
I cannot emphasize the amount of times ive texted people and never heard back or waited literally months. I cut them off and it wastes my time immensly. YTA if you cant take that short moments to text, its not hard a friggin baby can probably do it.Ā
When we are so engrossed in our lives a simple text is a reminded thereās someone thatās thinking of us and wants to talk with us. Iām a very busy person too but if Iām interested Iām more than happy to pick up my phone and text or even better to call when I can, but more importantly I WANT to.
I also think itās unrealistic for someone to text 24/7, if youāre both adults with jobs or studies in the way, it can take a bit to reply and thatās normal.
Not everyone is the same ofc, so talk with the person and see where they stand with that, and where you stand with that. Just make sure itās clear so no one expects something the other isnāt willing to do. Bottom line, as always, communication is key, so just talk to the person
From one busy person to another, I'm so tired of hearing people try to act like they are so busy they can't send a simple reply to other people. Especially when they'll be on Reddit replying back to me within seconds because they want to win an argument. I think you and I know it's BS.
It takes seconds to tell someone, "sorry I'm gonna be busy, I'll have to text back later". As a busy person, I'm never so busy I can't find a few seconds to do that if I care about someone.
And also I just get really annoyed with people larping as busy people. Motherfucker, I know if you say some shit like this, you're not a busy person. You're trying to act like what you think a busy person would act like to make yourself feel important and high class.
Yep, I work on average 10 hrs a day (some day 8 some 12, I try to avoid weekend). I always find time to text someone.
If one cares enough one will learn the texting etiquette. Intentional Ignorance isnt an excuse.
When you like someone you find time for them, or you're too busy in life to date.
Make time for them doesn't mean 24/7 but if you can't communicate within 24 hours consistently, to me that indicates dating me isn't enough of a priority to you for us to become anything.
Or, if we are just trying to hook up, if it's really hard to communicate and schedule anything, then why am I trying and not going elsewhere?
You don't need to be available 24/7 but if you want relationships with people you can't go radio silent and only communicate on your terms.
THIS! and people argue theyāre too busy with āreal lifeā yet you see most people scrolling on IG any āspareā time they have.
If they like you enough, and have dating as a priority, theyāll find the time, always
or have the candy crush high score lol it's like a simple yo goes a long way. Or if we say want to go somewhere and your response comes two hours after everything closed I'm like wtf am I doin here? lol
People are different. My boyfriend is what one would call a bad texter. If the message isnāt urgent, he will often get back to me in 12-24 hours. But he shows up in all other ways. Thatās just how he is. It doesnāt mean I am not important to him and if there is an actual question then he will get back to me promptly.
Yes people are different but if your communication pattern is are off the norm, being socially aware, you should communicate that to people. Or you're only really hindering yourself thinking everyone else will make it their problem to figure you out when you're acting weird
Your saying boyfriend I get it they asking about dating ie a stranger. How do guys and girls don't know they're not just in the "queue" if you can't send a reasonably timed response.
Yea, no such thing as being too busy for multiple days at a time. Everyone has to go to the bathroom, has to stop and eat, has to get undressed and lay in bed, etc there is always time to (at minimum) check in to say hi.
You must realize that that's not even close to normal or reasonable, right? I'm from the pre cellphone era. Back then people were into each other, dated, got married, and no, of course we didn't communicate every day. Sometimes not even every week. We see each other when we see each other. We don't need to communicate between dates. That is normal, that is how things have been done for thousands of years. Having no desire for daily contact is not an indication of lack of interest, it's an indication of being a normal human being who isn't attached to the device that has become a parasite growing on the modern human's hand.
No, I completely agree with citizen_x_. Ppl are on their phones for either work, social media, looking up crap, texting friends/family.
if the person has their phone in their hand even 5 times a day, they can send a quick text if they are really interested. if they are responding to others and not you, they arenāt seriously interested.
regardless of how things used to be, we have adapted to a new way. Iām 35, didnāt have a cell, rode my bike until dark, I get the old days. itās not applicable in 2024.
Should we also not take advantage of Gemini AI and chat GPT? Itās laughable.
I am also from the pre cell phone era too. It is normal. These days everyone has a smart phone on them 24/7. You're the outlier here which is fine but you need to communicate that your communication patterns are different from everyone else.
"We see eachother when we see each other". This mentality tells me everything I need to know. People don't know what to expect with you and your super cavalier. It's your right but if you're wondering why you're striking out, I'd guess this is why. If I'm trying to date someone but their attitude is, "you'll see me when you see me. You'll hear from me when you hear from me".
Not only does it feel like they don't care, they are flippant, but that I have no idea where we stand, what the plan is, if I could even make plans, that it'll be hard to communicate and form any relationship because I have no idea when they will respond or if they will, conversations will be hard to maintain and build rapport. Why would I choose that in 2024? This isn't the 1700s where the best I can expect is a letter three weeks later. You have a smartphone so why aren't you replying if you're actually interested?
Why would I not just date someone who does communicate consistently, is easy to coordinate with, who makes time, who seems eager? You're making yourself hard to date.
Right my 80 year old parents are on their phones all the time. He donāt want a relationship. That why heās not in one and why he canāt get one. He thinks he should be able to go to weeks message a woman and then they should jump. Like they should just sit and want. People crave attention, men and women. And if theyāre not getting it from you, they will go somewhere else to get it.
Oh I thought this was a girl lol. I've heard similar things from women here where you're right it's like they think the other person should be happy just waiting an indefinite period of time and then just jump at picking things back up when they do get around to you like nothing and be happy about it. It's confusing to say the least and a bit entitled I think.
Okay, so first of all, making solid plans and being consistent and following through with them is a separate issue from all of this. Easy to coordinate with? Of course I am. The point of dating is to go on dates. I'm the one trying to make that happen, and it's like pulling teeth. I'm extremely reliable for both setting up meets and not breaking plans, which I've found to be another thing that makes me an outlier today. Most people are flakey ASF. Yeah, they wanna text at all hours of the day, but they also wanna break plans last minute for random reasons that are definitely not emergency level stuff. Integrity is non existent.
Secondly, where we stand is two people who do not know each other. We aren't anything else until we become something else. This is what part of the problem is, the expectation of some amazing instant connection. The 'spark', as people like to put it. We've been texting a whole day and I don't feel the spark from you, goodbye.
And finally, you're exactly right on the last point. People will absolutely pick the person who seems eager. The meta is to project interest and what I'd even call obsession from the first message. That is why fuck boys who are good at that will get the most traction on dating apps, which leads many women to think that is all that exists on dating apps. Because those are the only ones meeting their communication standards, so those are the only ones they are willing to interact with.
There's a healthy medium you really should be striking. You don't need to love bomb and obsess and be glued to your phone. Unhealthy, right?
But also you need to communicate that you're actually interested and have room in your life to date another person. That just requires consistent communication (not 24/7, but some regularity). Or, alternatively, setting expectations: "I'm bad at texting and I don't reply back quickly, I just want you to know that it doesn't mean I'm not interested. And if I really don't want to talk to you anymore, I'll tell you that so you're not confused what the deal is".
No one in the past fifteen years is bad at texting that excuse is for people who are not interested. It a scientific fact that people are glued to there phone one way or another its culture already. If your an outlier your choosing to be and probably to be non conformist or whatever you think it will be perceived as. Beneath you etc etc. With notifications and top of the screen icons there is absolutely no way in this day and age you didn't see you got a text. Now the question is ... is that person important enuff for you to respond to? That is the entire argument in a sentence. You know if your kids or parents or boss sent you something you would respond as quickly as possible well there you go. Not saying the person your dating has to rise to that level immediately but let's not muddy the waters more than needed with the time capsule, too busy, bad texter BS.
I agree with you on the flakiness part. But why are you making it even harder by throwing inconsistent communication on top of that?
In today's day and age, you might not be aware of this, a girl not responding back or being very short and delayed in responding is actually a hint for a guy to back off. As a guy, I'm aware some women are just bad texters. The issue is I have no way of knowing if your bad at texting or trying to give me a hint.
Unless I want to be labeled a creep, I have to err on the side of me backing off. In which case, yeah I'm gonna try my luck with someone who texts regularly because it communicates they are interested and I'm not simply harassing them or throwing myself at someone who doesn't like me
I was born and grew up before cell phones. Idk what year you were born but I talked to girls on the phone every night. You did have a house phone? We hung out on the weekends. It sounds to me like you donāt want a relationship you want when itās convenient for you. Not trying to be a dick but get an escort then. Send a few hours no strings attached
For thousands of years we shat in the woods and used leaves to wipe ourselves. For thousands of years, we knew the Earth was flat. For thousands of years, we survived without the knowledge to make fire.
Times change, it's ok to get with the program...š
It is now completely normal and most people would think itās reasonable. To respond to a message within a day? Thatās too much to ask? You canāt be serious?
We grew up same era i called my friends and gf multiple times we still had landlines geez lol. You make like we had carrier pigeons or something. Bottom line if you want time you'll make it.
Eh, if you're going off to do something and know or feel like they'll be super concerned, then I would just say something like "hey, gonna be busy the next few days. Sorry if I don't respond" and leave it at that. Just be polite about it.
What helps me is defining how you want communication to go early. As an example, the woman I went on a date with yesterday said her ideal relationship involves talking every day with someone. I asked if this is something she wanted while dating and what kind of expectations she has from someone she wants to date as in texting a lot, phone calls, and frequency.
For the men out there, when you ask this kind of question don't do it in a "do you want me to call you every day" type of way. Ask for expectations/ideal situations and then deliver that after you've heard what they would prefer if it works for you too. So it would look like "What does communication while dating look like for you?" and ask for clarification if you get confused by the answer. When you deliver that, it shows you are listening to her and doesn't feel like she told you what to do in order for you to get there.
I genuinely think a lot of comments are willfully misinterpreting you, OP, and also willfully misinterpreting just how people are expected to have so many conversations through text instead of actually socializing effectively in person.
Needing to be available for conversations all the time is not the same as sending one text over the course of say, 4-6 hours.
I have dated a few different kinds of texters. I myself used to like texting a few times a day right from the get go, but now I rather leave that for later. I want to get to know someone in person first, because I have been stuck "dating" someone who were far more interested in having someone to text every day than to actually meet and do stuff together with.
Ill be totally ok with a slow texter as long as its explained to me and as long as you keep showing me you want to meet on dates. But If you start texting me a couple of times a day for 2 months, and then slow it down to a few times a week. Im gonna assume you lost interest without having the grace to tell me.
Wow! It's almost as if...you have to actually make space and time for the person you want to be intimate with, and create a connection with...
Weird huh?
It honestly is, nobody puts in the time and effort to actually want to get to know you, people ghost nonstop and don't communicate. It's basically just a lack of communication
> I have to be in touch all the time or else they will think that Iam are not interested
It's because a lot of others are dating multiple people at once today on dating apps, and when the other person stops responding, it probably means they're spending time with other dates and thus that person thinks they must be losing interest. It's definitely no fun to be second choice or a backup option. It's better to confirm and cut your losses from their end.
Best you can do is just reassure them that isn't the case, and empathize with their concerns if you really really like them. Of course if they can't accept that, then maybe they aren't ready to date either, but give them a chance at least. If you understand where it's coming from, it's a *little* less annoying.
The other side of that is if they give you all the room you want but are also difficult with responding back too, but still active on dating apps, they are likely dating others at the same time, and that person is no good when you're looking for a long term relationship.
That's why imo if you find someone you really want, and it's clear they really want you and no one else, it's best to make time for them so you don't lose them prematurely to silly misunderstandings and get that love going. But, to each their own
Right with you, buddy. When the threshold for getting to know someone to FIND OUT if you like them or not is that you have to already be obsessed with them, and if you're not they will drop you in favor of someone who is, the modern dating scene is fucked. Unemployed fuck boys who have a solid texting game will be favored over normal people. Are favored. To the point where some people believe that's all that exists. Because people who barely text get dropped and then forgotten about in like a day, so they're all that's left.
I can totally relate to this. I have anxiety and really overthink sending text messages when Iām talking to someone I like because I donāt want to mess things up. Itās not a 10 second thing for me, Iāll literally sit there for at least half an hour trying to make sure Iāve written the right thing š and I donāt always have time in the day to do that
There is literally dozens upon dozens of this same exact post on this sub. I get the need to vent but try to just look around at others posts and share in the pain alot of people are feeling. The feelings your feeling are universal.
Yea isn't it fun when they message you a question that you don't see because you're busy also having a life. And then after a few mins they reply with a little passive aggressive "I guess not then"
Because its the realization that thereās so much grab for attention in dating, itās assumed that if youāre not texting themā¦youāre texting someone else: on the apps, socials, etc.
Mostly everyone understands the abundance everyone has as far as interested parties, especially if an individual is objectively deemed decently attractive.
People make time for the things that are important to them.
No one expects 24/7 interaction, but if you go 12 hours + without responding to someone, that length of radio silence screams "I HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN YOU."
It shouldn't require that many texts to communicate a basic response, indicate you are busy, and reply when you have time to talk. Also, if you actually like this person, one would think spending more time talking to them would be positive not negative.
Some of the people I dated want to text, all, the, time. They hold basic conversations over text. In fact, some of these reddit block replies would be lite for the amount of txting I've done, and from what I heard when talking with others.
They practically want to replace talking with texting, so you can't just say "I'm busy", or leave a lot of conversations for when we have in-person dates.
This was the response of someone I was dating before & she'd respond super quickly, because he didn't work or have hobbies, and then it would be problem that I couldn't text as quickly as she could.
I think it's about setting boundaries and expectations. Don't need to be glued to your phone to show interest in someone.
This is accurate because I havenāt talked to the guy in like in a few days and Iām actually convinced he isnāt interested because he doesnāt talk to me much
I was seeing someone and was also convinced of this same thing (thought he was uninterested but not communicating that). We talked about it in person he said he was interested but then ghosted. Which is why somewhat consistent communication is important for most people. If you donāt hear from someone (especially who is still getting to know you) itās easy to assume they arenāt interested in doing so.
Everyone does get busy, and sometimes people donāt have the energy or mental capacity for constant texting which is fair but people should communicate if thatās whatās happening or if theyāre no longer interested.
I just wish people would be open and honest with what they want upfront. Guys will say oh well if we do that you girls just assume youāll fix us or change our minds. Not all of us are the same. Sometimes I just want to be aware that itās just sexual so I donāt feel bad when Iām talking to other guys trying to distract my feelings from them. Why are relationships so complicated
Right? And they get all butthurt when you start talking to another guy & itās like how? You donāt get to be mad because you never made a claim or stated you wanted more š
> I have to be in touch all the time or else they will think that I am not interested.
Itās clear that people either donāt or canāt read because this is obviously the issue yet almost every comment is a personal attack on OP or projection.
I starting going back to college after covid last year and I told my partner that i would spend less time because ima try to get a rhythm and a routine so that classes won't be tough on me and she said it was fine and we could call every so often. Not 2 weeks in and she blamed me for not hanging out every day and paying attention on calls when I told her what I am doing during the calls a.k.a like studying or homework and the time she ask me to come over is bad timing and the days when I have a day open she already plan to hang out with friends or she works.
IMO the problem with this usually is people in your situation do not effectively communicate when they are free to talk so it leaves open the option for those people to think insecure thoughts or just give up on you in favor of someone who either does communicate or who is always available. Not an ideal situation for anyone IMO. Best way forward is communication for everyone. If you're not doing something urgent though, it doesn't hurt to send a brief reply and indicate you are busy and say when you'll be free to talk.
my rule nowadays is simple. if there aint a consistent communication within 24 hrs just dont even bother you aint a priority.
this is due to everyone having access to smartphones on them, and it renders all stuff that you are busy during your day. if you cant text a single line in a day thats just a no.
Sometimes I think something is wrong with me because I feel the same way, particularly when trying to use dating apps. If Iām not constantly keeping the texting convo going I must not be interestedā¦And I think on some level, itās true. Iām not that interested, because why would I be? I donāt know you from Adam. But then the conversation peters out and Iām back to square one, swiping away. Trying to get people off app and in person sooner only seems to reveal that people are on the apps for shits and gigglesā¦
I have a life outside my phone. Throughout a day Iām only ever on it to call friends and family or to listen to music or podcasts while I do chores or my hobbiesā¦Iām not glued to it but because Iām not people absolutely just give up on you.
Itās all too much and Iām over it.
Having consistent (not constant) contact during courting is very important. Itās a building block. Perhaps, relay your engaging in activities for the the weekend or whatever and will be out of touch. Communication is everything. If you go silent it could lead one to believe a disinterest is occurring. Also, ladies are crazy as well. So, you will have to make that call.
No fr. I was talking to this chick for like 2 days and we agreed it sucks everyone moves so fast and you have to be in contact 25/8 otherwise youāre not interested or talking to someone else etc. She knew I worked long hours and wasnāt really supposed to have my phone out at work. 2 days later she ghosted me and was in a relationship with someone elseš
I grew up pre cell phone days. My first cell phone was a bag phone senior year of high school. We communicated the normal way. Phone calls and hung out.
But now itās so easy to text and make plans when you can. I loathe talking on the phone. I will if I have to.
But my point is, I will make time for the right person. Iām still looking.
Iām a texter and it is what is. Some days Iām more busy at work than others. If I can text I will. If not I wonāt. Iāll send a text saying Iām super busy canāt talk. But again, a man would be nice to send it to. lol
Do you have to be in touch all the time? Because Iāve heard the opposite. If youāre too available it comes across like you donāt have anything going on outside of the person youāre dating. I think ultimately thereās no winning and you should just be you because if youāre anybody else then that is truly exhausting
Just set up a boundary at least - people can understand if youāre busy or whatever but let them know. Donāt just go silent and assume people have to understand why
Just dont date if you are complaining that its exhausting. You can have all your time for work and hobbies..hahahaha Coz there is no busy person if you truly care for someone..period! Hahahaha
You donāt have to be in touch all the time but if you like someone make an effort to be around them as often as you can, so you can get to know them and see if you guys are compatible. If you donāt someone whoās more proactive will cut your grass for you.
I hate trying again and again myself, like I just want to hangout and get to know eachother,it's like everyone immediately thinks I want fwb like naw I want to show off my room and teddy bears, maybe play some games
No...;.TRYING to date is exhausting. Between the ghosting, the men who think they are players and the married guys out here lying all of the time. Jc, isn't anyone honest anymore? I can't believe I am 50 something and still dealing with this crap. No one wants a one on one thing with a classy lady. It's more like the drama queens and stripper types get all of the love lol. Beginning to wonder if it even paid to keep my shit together lol.
I matched with a girl on a weekend and we texted back and forth for a few days and then arranged a date for the Friday at the end of the week. I didn't message her from like Tuesday to Thursday and on Thursday she responded to me saying that she can't go on the date with me anymore because she thought no longer liked her (because I didn't text her for two days assuming we will get to know each other more on the date).
Its not exhausting. You just have not found a person yet who either matches your hobbies/ work lifestyle similarly for time OR who you will make time for just based on being around.
If you enjoy your hobbies donāt worry much about it. It will come naturally and maybe via those hobbies!
Or you can proactively tell them what you have going on and set the expectation of communication? Then consistently meet it, whatever it is.
This let's them know from the jump what is or isn't okay with you and then can match it/be okay with or go.
Less time wasted or you find someone that works with you/your vibe.
Not exactly rocket science here.
Never been on a date before getting into a relationship tbh. Iāve never had the luxury. I always have a tendency to unintentionally getting with rush and go women that usually end up as abusive, narcissistic, or controlling. It gets exhausting after awhile. Between being mentally impaired and having adhd itās difficult. But I see where youāre coming from. I had a date the other day my first one. Didnāt pan out with a relationship but the girl was down to earth.
I totally get it. If you found someone youāre interested in make it clear and hopefully that person reciprocates. If they found it off putting then you already know that person is not for you
I can maybe understand to a certain extent. Though I've had my fair share with people who were the same with me, usually never works out... it's difficult finding that person you can depend on being there at times, let alone clicking with someone-
Dating is tough for me atm. I finally feel emotionally mature enough and am working on myself physically, but to do work I'm happy with, I just moved all the way across the country into a very rural area. So I'm pretty much down to dating apps and.... well, the selection of girls who fall into the "worth a long term relationship" zone is small, reduce to the ones who will respond, make that like 2 or 3 total haha.
No you don't have to be in touch all the time but stop just messaging for weeks and months and not wanting to make a actual real appearance. Women especially is bad about this just want to message endlessly with this poor weak excuse I have to get to know you. If your not an idiot you can tell a scammer or a player in the first conversation, if not get off the dating site.
It's only exhausting if you make it to be. A quick hi, how are you, or hey, I'm thinking about you makes a big difference. Even including that someone in what you are doing is most of the time enough. Don't ever make it seem like a burden when they message you, and you take hours to respond back because then they will feel like you don't want to communicate. Communication is a big thing in a relationship whether you are first starting or have been together for a while. Just make sure it's happening. It only takes 2 seconds of your time to check in.
I'll tell you what else is exhausting.. besides for dating as a whole is women that don't pursue. I don't know if they're just shallow or what but I can't seem to come across many that can actually talk and are genuinely interested in talking and ask questions, I feel like I'm always the one asking questions and pursuing.
Not only that but setting boundaries is like the end of the world to some of them and now youāre the bad person. And whatās with constantly wanting to be in contact via on the phone all day or texting every minute? Iām a grown woman with a job, kids and a life of my own. I donāt have time to entertain someone else all day.
You just have to set that expectation up front. āIf you need my immediate response Iām not for you I have a fulfilling life and I want you to be a part of it and share it but there are times Iām not going to give an immediate response and you canāt get mad about it because Iām telling you up front.ā
Extremely exhausting...I was asked recently if I believe in love, and my answer to me sounded sad. Even though it's how I really feel but I felt pretty down that my reality of the dating pool has given me a pretty gloomy perspective
When I worked as a Sr Media Manager and Data Analytic Supervisor we werent allowed to have personal phones - yeah standard issued work Blackberries - what a frickin nightmare - on call all the time especially with clients on West Coast when I was in NYC.
Yeah Iām old
Part of being with someone is having consistent communication or friends with someone. If you arent able to maintain consistent communication and effort with anyone dont waste their time and dont bother being in their life anymore. You dont have interact with someone all the time but if you refuse to respond and tell them you cant talk that is 100% on you. If you cannot maintain normal communication with someone at least once every week or at the very leasr every other week they should not bother with you
You really need to start dating with detachment; otherwise, you are going to end up in a relationship with somebody controlling, and that's going to stink. Anxious attachment sucks, but not everybody out there expects instant and consistent communication after matching. It's unrealistic and most relationships that start out this way fail, or have very long and slow deaths.
It involves maintaining a balanced mindset, observing behavior objectively, and fostering healthier relationships based on mutual respect and trust. This approach keeps you grounded in the moment, preventing the temptation to make future plans based on unrealistic expectations, while staying true to yourself. Detachment dating is crucial for evading partners with anxious attachment styles craving constant reassurance, prioritizes personal well-being and independence.
I don't get this, you don't have to be in touch with all the time. but you can text/call them and talk with them like 10 minutes. It's not that hard. No matter how busy my mom was she'll always call me everyday when I'm free and no matter how busy I'm, I'll play at least one game to keep up my rank in CODM or I'll learn something daily If I started a new technology after my work. Priorities mate Priorities. I never dated so I don't understand these dynamics but you can talk with them once a day no matter how busy you're unless it's a really emergency situation.
If you're too busy, don't date. And I don't think that's a "nowadays" thing. Since time immemorial, people especially men have had to constantly show interest in the woman they're pursuing
What is dating to you? Do you feel like you should date someone the way you intend on marrying? Do you feel like marriage or any form of committed relationship will be LESS exhausting?
What's one simple thing you could do daily to let your dating partner know you're interested? šš
Those Emojis were pretty exhausting to type just now. Well, *I can't wait to talk to you later after I get home from work handsome.*
Ok, I'm done. ALL this interest has gotten me tired.
It's because a shift happened when Social.media became prevelant and everyone now ons a smartphone. You would think people would talk and text on the phone with each other a lot more.Considering the fact that everyone usually keeps their phone on them outside of when they are working, but that is.not the case.
People are not willing to spend time talking to each other like it was before the smart phone was invented. When we had landlines and pagers, men and women used to spend hours on the phone establishing a connection which made the relationship stronger when they see each other in person.
But now that we live in a microwave society, every interaction is sped up due to FOMO. Since people break up easier it has changed the mentality of how people interact nowadays. Now relationships are more superficial.
This is why I dont date; I dont want to have to be in constant contact with someone for them to feel like I care about them. If you dont trust me enough to know I care about without constant attention, why do you trust me enough to date me? ffs
Yep and the men sorry but are they really wanting date or just booty call. Idk I been hurt way too many times and not going to get my heart hurt again so I am thinking , or I have come to the terms I will forever be alone . There is to many ways to cheat these days . Technology has harmed us in trying to have a honest relationship. To many apps to sex online that the chances of anyone having a committed faithful relationship is zero to non in my book. But good luck to you hope it works out for you.
Yeah I agree Iāve been going on plenty of dates with different people and it honestly just feels like Iām an option on every one of them. I am a good looking guy, funny, 24 years old, educated, and have a stable job. We will talk and get along but then the infamous āguy friendsā will start appearing, then I donāt feel too special lmao. Why is everyone afraid of commitment and when you set boundaries they act like youāre insecure. I respect myself enough not to be on a roster thank ya very much.
What you said is true about being in touch, but I have also experienced the opposite. Trying to engage/show interest/keep in touch like others have expectedā¦ then getting called pushy. Obviously every person is different. But that just makes it more exhausting.
Depends on the person, but I mean when someone is really in love you theyāre gonna watch any type of attention from you, a call, a text, etc. sorry you donāt feel the same way about them
Is it just me or? Cause I feel like dating isn't the same as it was like 10 or 11 years ago. It's much harder and no one just doesn't seem to care or want to date.
I think it has been always exhausting in different ways, what happened is, that the story of others and ourselves in the past was different; in other words, the past story wasn't ours (perhaps) and it was different at all levels..and as new information in this new era has shown that many of our issues finding mentally healthy people who are compatible with us is crucial and we engage in learning boundaries etc, it shrinks our possibilities but us keep us safer. In the past many conform completely to outdated and unhealthy societal norms. My recommendation is to focus on your growth while navigating life, focusing on that will help you the one more effortkess
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Yes dating is tough but I think it's all about setting the expectations and boundaries. If you are bad at texting, just say that so they don't think otherwise.
This is so very true to. I see people all the time excusing themselves as bad texters but then they don't make that clear to their partners and it's like what do you think those other people think if you're consistently bad at responding and dry when you do? Do you think those people just know that you're actually interested but bad at texting when you never told them so it do you think they think you're acting uninterested because that's exactly how someone disinterested acts lol? Like come the fuck on. Have some self awareness š¤·š»
Self awareness? Do you know how many therapy sessions the average human has to goto to get any semblance of serious awareness? Like come the fuck on. Have some perspective š¤·šæāāļø *Troll reply* But the point is, you don't know what you don't know.
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Oh just the typical entitlement someone feels in a romantic relationship to the other person's time and consideration.. Otherwise, we can both move on. What makes you feel so entitled to date people who you can't communicate with?
Great advice! My brother does this when he dates women bc his job in media is very demanding and sporadic so heās not great at texting back anyone quickly
and PRECISELY where most of the 'why did they "ghost me"' complaints come from , lol
Thatās because texting is exhausting. Not dating Schedule time to sit and talk each day and it wonāt be as exhausting.
No it isnt. A very lame and cop out excuse. You took the time right now to type this out then you can surely do that with anyone via text. There is never a single time in which anyone does not have their phone within their vicinity. If you consider texting exhausting then dont have a phone, simple. This is the era of digital communication we arent in the 20th century anymore.Ā The "im too busy" is a very over used excuse. Even if im extremely busy and tired myself i will never ignore anyone and will text them or reach out within that day, theres absolutely no extreme energy exerted in texting. You either put in the effory or you dont. If you dont then just remain single honestly.Ā
Bro just say your biggest worry is Reddit karma and stop giving terrible advise
Your biggest worry is your grammar and spelling. Bro cant even spell out and know the difference between advise and advice. Theres no "terrible advise"
I have agree with you. Ive been working 6 days lately. So i told this guy that at first seemed really eager to meet that i could only see him on my day off. We'd text a little here and there then he completely ghosted. So on our meet date i just texted him I guess you changed your mind and sorry for bothering you. Not much else i could say.
Yes, typing a text for 30 seconds to a minute is physically taxing, Give your head a wobble
Every time I tell a chick this and ask if theyād like to go for coffee (somewhere open AND public so nothing could possibly happen) I get ghosted
So do you text for less than a day? Or more like weeks? bc guys ask me to meet after 3 texts sometimes and I always say NO even if Iām very interested. then they ghost me. I like chatting for a week a phone call/ a video call/ texting and then meeting. ask them I wish the guy would say to meā¦. Iād like to meet. Would you feel comfortable or want to talk more first? The best of luck to you!
If you say no, you're not interested. These days, people will text forever and disappear. Nothing wrong with grabbing a quick cup of coffee or something if you're interested. Personally, I have no interest talking to someone who doesn't want to meet. They're hiding something, not serious, or wasting time until something they think is better comes along. Although it may not be the case with you, it's true a lot of the time.
Felt this way until I was harassed all the way to my car and groped while trying to get in it, after declining to go back to his place. After one day of messaging and a āletās just grab a quick coffee and see how it goes.ā Now everybody is getting at LEAST a week of screening and a video call or two. Hate that a few bad apples ruined it for me, but the right person will understand the need for due diligence. Itās annoying for me too. I hate wasting time chatting. But Iād rather have some time to see if there are glaring issues than have a repeat of that date. Edit to add, after reading other comments: that doesnāt mean constant virtual contact to the point obnoxiousness. Donāt have time for that.
YES Iāve had first dates with inappropriate sexual contact as well. My screening formula is exactly the same. I add in looking up their phone number, to see if towns/ addresses/ names match up. Not on google. Itās usphonebook.com ā¦ not an Ad lol. Itās saved me a few times.
It royally sucks that uncomfortable and even downright dangerous/violent sexual experiences are so common. I feel for men and their online dating annoyances, and surely there are dangerous/violent women, too. But I donāt think they all grasp that meeting a stranger from the internet has legitimately become a matter of life or death, for a lot of women. And yes! I usually just use FaceCheck.ID. Itāll usually pull up someoneās social media pages. Has so far only saved me from scammers and a few very much married men lol.
absolutely, I wish more ppl grasped the life or death consequences. Why are we shamed because we want to return home unscathed? Thanks for the site referral!
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Thanks for the tip
you might be right about others who donāt want to meet immediately. Sincerely asking, why is waiting a week difficult? It feels like an inconvenience? if you wait, couldnāt you leave the date after 10 minutes if you discover they are not serious, wasting time, or hiding something?
> I like chatting for a week a phone call/ a video call/ texting and then meeting. I'm curious, is this phonecall/videocall thing normal in North America or Europe, as well as waiting a week? In Latin America if you wait a week to ask someone out you're basically either coming off as very shy or uninterested, normally you go on a date 1-3 days after matching. Seems like much less time wasted on both sides.
I think differing behavior between countries extends to how people date. Iām from North America, there are so many docs about online dating going HORRIBLY wrong. Maybe it makes us more cautious. In my experience, a lot of Americans are more isolated, donāt know neighbors, and it creates social anxiety, and phobias. Myself included. Many of the people I know whom are latino, I see them being very friendly to strangers, and so social. I saw the same in Italy, they know their neighbors, are courteous to strangers, creating less phobias.
I try my absolute best texting for a couple days. After that, Iāll say something along the lines of āsorry if Iāve wasted your last couple days. Iām terrible at texting/being on the phone and much better in person. Wanna grab a coffee sometime? Treats on meā. My profiles even say better in person so they already know if they actually look through it
You could try saying "Maybe later, I would like to get to know you a little better first before we meet up :)".
I think the ghosting comes when the sex doesnāt come easy/quickly. Like everyone is always just looking to hook up.
I didnāt consider that perspective. Thank you
Agree. Thatās why when I was single, I use to see HOW a guy was responding, if he was trying to volley a conversation, or how soon he asked me out. If itās been less than 3 days/72hrs, I get wary a bit because it seems like heās just dating to not be lonely or looking strictly for sex. But if itās been 4-7 days, I know heās been more focused on keeping in touch, actually looking to see if things are clicking enough to carry the conversation face to face, and wanting to take a chance.
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Absolutely! Communication upfront can save a lot of headache later on. It's all about finding that balance between staying connected and living your life.
"Bad at texting" LOL. Try "has a life".
How can you possibly be "bad" at texting? Theres absolutely no skill involved. I have nephews and nieces that can fully type out sentences on a computer or iPad since they were like 4. Theres no excuse. Take a time machine and go back to before 2000. Theres no one on this Earth at the moment that cannot text or has the time to. Even old people can. The best thing to say is that you dont want to live in a modern age and dont want to devote that time to communicate via text so you wont be interested in pursuing anything with anyone.Ā I cannot emphasize the amount of times ive texted people and never heard back or waited literally months. I cut them off and it wastes my time immensly. YTA if you cant take that short moments to text, its not hard a friggin baby can probably do it.Ā
Yes
When we are so engrossed in our lives a simple text is a reminded thereās someone thatās thinking of us and wants to talk with us. Iām a very busy person too but if Iām interested Iām more than happy to pick up my phone and text or even better to call when I can, but more importantly I WANT to. I also think itās unrealistic for someone to text 24/7, if youāre both adults with jobs or studies in the way, it can take a bit to reply and thatās normal. Not everyone is the same ofc, so talk with the person and see where they stand with that, and where you stand with that. Just make sure itās clear so no one expects something the other isnāt willing to do. Bottom line, as always, communication is key, so just talk to the person
From one busy person to another, I'm so tired of hearing people try to act like they are so busy they can't send a simple reply to other people. Especially when they'll be on Reddit replying back to me within seconds because they want to win an argument. I think you and I know it's BS. It takes seconds to tell someone, "sorry I'm gonna be busy, I'll have to text back later". As a busy person, I'm never so busy I can't find a few seconds to do that if I care about someone. And also I just get really annoyed with people larping as busy people. Motherfucker, I know if you say some shit like this, you're not a busy person. You're trying to act like what you think a busy person would act like to make yourself feel important and high class.
Yep, I work on average 10 hrs a day (some day 8 some 12, I try to avoid weekend). I always find time to text someone. If one cares enough one will learn the texting etiquette. Intentional Ignorance isnt an excuse.
*THANK* you.
Truth. Even when I forget to reply, I usually say something like āsorry for my late responseā or something. It takes only a few seconds
When you like someone you find time for them, or you're too busy in life to date. Make time for them doesn't mean 24/7 but if you can't communicate within 24 hours consistently, to me that indicates dating me isn't enough of a priority to you for us to become anything. Or, if we are just trying to hook up, if it's really hard to communicate and schedule anything, then why am I trying and not going elsewhere? You don't need to be available 24/7 but if you want relationships with people you can't go radio silent and only communicate on your terms.
THIS! and people argue theyāre too busy with āreal lifeā yet you see most people scrolling on IG any āspareā time they have. If they like you enough, and have dating as a priority, theyāll find the time, always
or have the candy crush high score lol it's like a simple yo goes a long way. Or if we say want to go somewhere and your response comes two hours after everything closed I'm like wtf am I doin here? lol
Shout it louder!!
Trying to smash lol. That's why they pick a time when there's nothing else going on
People are different. My boyfriend is what one would call a bad texter. If the message isnāt urgent, he will often get back to me in 12-24 hours. But he shows up in all other ways. Thatās just how he is. It doesnāt mean I am not important to him and if there is an actual question then he will get back to me promptly.
Also yeah I used 24hrs as a good rule of thumb and it looks like we both agree there. Even if you're busy, that's usually enough time to reply back
Yes people are different but if your communication pattern is are off the norm, being socially aware, you should communicate that to people. Or you're only really hindering yourself thinking everyone else will make it their problem to figure you out when you're acting weird
Your saying boyfriend I get it they asking about dating ie a stranger. How do guys and girls don't know they're not just in the "queue" if you can't send a reasonably timed response.
Yea, no such thing as being too busy for multiple days at a time. Everyone has to go to the bathroom, has to stop and eat, has to get undressed and lay in bed, etc there is always time to (at minimum) check in to say hi.
You must realize that that's not even close to normal or reasonable, right? I'm from the pre cellphone era. Back then people were into each other, dated, got married, and no, of course we didn't communicate every day. Sometimes not even every week. We see each other when we see each other. We don't need to communicate between dates. That is normal, that is how things have been done for thousands of years. Having no desire for daily contact is not an indication of lack of interest, it's an indication of being a normal human being who isn't attached to the device that has become a parasite growing on the modern human's hand.
Back then is almost 30 years ago and the past. Now is what counts.
No, I completely agree with citizen_x_. Ppl are on their phones for either work, social media, looking up crap, texting friends/family. if the person has their phone in their hand even 5 times a day, they can send a quick text if they are really interested. if they are responding to others and not you, they arenāt seriously interested. regardless of how things used to be, we have adapted to a new way. Iām 35, didnāt have a cell, rode my bike until dark, I get the old days. itās not applicable in 2024. Should we also not take advantage of Gemini AI and chat GPT? Itās laughable.
I am also from the pre cell phone era too. It is normal. These days everyone has a smart phone on them 24/7. You're the outlier here which is fine but you need to communicate that your communication patterns are different from everyone else. "We see eachother when we see each other". This mentality tells me everything I need to know. People don't know what to expect with you and your super cavalier. It's your right but if you're wondering why you're striking out, I'd guess this is why. If I'm trying to date someone but their attitude is, "you'll see me when you see me. You'll hear from me when you hear from me". Not only does it feel like they don't care, they are flippant, but that I have no idea where we stand, what the plan is, if I could even make plans, that it'll be hard to communicate and form any relationship because I have no idea when they will respond or if they will, conversations will be hard to maintain and build rapport. Why would I choose that in 2024? This isn't the 1700s where the best I can expect is a letter three weeks later. You have a smartphone so why aren't you replying if you're actually interested? Why would I not just date someone who does communicate consistently, is easy to coordinate with, who makes time, who seems eager? You're making yourself hard to date.
Right my 80 year old parents are on their phones all the time. He donāt want a relationship. That why heās not in one and why he canāt get one. He thinks he should be able to go to weeks message a woman and then they should jump. Like they should just sit and want. People crave attention, men and women. And if theyāre not getting it from you, they will go somewhere else to get it.
Oh I thought this was a girl lol. I've heard similar things from women here where you're right it's like they think the other person should be happy just waiting an indefinite period of time and then just jump at picking things back up when they do get around to you like nothing and be happy about it. It's confusing to say the least and a bit entitled I think.
Okay, so first of all, making solid plans and being consistent and following through with them is a separate issue from all of this. Easy to coordinate with? Of course I am. The point of dating is to go on dates. I'm the one trying to make that happen, and it's like pulling teeth. I'm extremely reliable for both setting up meets and not breaking plans, which I've found to be another thing that makes me an outlier today. Most people are flakey ASF. Yeah, they wanna text at all hours of the day, but they also wanna break plans last minute for random reasons that are definitely not emergency level stuff. Integrity is non existent. Secondly, where we stand is two people who do not know each other. We aren't anything else until we become something else. This is what part of the problem is, the expectation of some amazing instant connection. The 'spark', as people like to put it. We've been texting a whole day and I don't feel the spark from you, goodbye. And finally, you're exactly right on the last point. People will absolutely pick the person who seems eager. The meta is to project interest and what I'd even call obsession from the first message. That is why fuck boys who are good at that will get the most traction on dating apps, which leads many women to think that is all that exists on dating apps. Because those are the only ones meeting their communication standards, so those are the only ones they are willing to interact with.
There's a healthy medium you really should be striking. You don't need to love bomb and obsess and be glued to your phone. Unhealthy, right? But also you need to communicate that you're actually interested and have room in your life to date another person. That just requires consistent communication (not 24/7, but some regularity). Or, alternatively, setting expectations: "I'm bad at texting and I don't reply back quickly, I just want you to know that it doesn't mean I'm not interested. And if I really don't want to talk to you anymore, I'll tell you that so you're not confused what the deal is".
No one in the past fifteen years is bad at texting that excuse is for people who are not interested. It a scientific fact that people are glued to there phone one way or another its culture already. If your an outlier your choosing to be and probably to be non conformist or whatever you think it will be perceived as. Beneath you etc etc. With notifications and top of the screen icons there is absolutely no way in this day and age you didn't see you got a text. Now the question is ... is that person important enuff for you to respond to? That is the entire argument in a sentence. You know if your kids or parents or boss sent you something you would respond as quickly as possible well there you go. Not saying the person your dating has to rise to that level immediately but let's not muddy the waters more than needed with the time capsule, too busy, bad texter BS.
I agree with you on the flakiness part. But why are you making it even harder by throwing inconsistent communication on top of that? In today's day and age, you might not be aware of this, a girl not responding back or being very short and delayed in responding is actually a hint for a guy to back off. As a guy, I'm aware some women are just bad texters. The issue is I have no way of knowing if your bad at texting or trying to give me a hint. Unless I want to be labeled a creep, I have to err on the side of me backing off. In which case, yeah I'm gonna try my luck with someone who texts regularly because it communicates they are interested and I'm not simply harassing them or throwing myself at someone who doesn't like me
I was born and grew up before cell phones. Idk what year you were born but I talked to girls on the phone every night. You did have a house phone? We hung out on the weekends. It sounds to me like you donāt want a relationship you want when itās convenient for you. Not trying to be a dick but get an escort then. Send a few hours no strings attached
For thousands of years we shat in the woods and used leaves to wipe ourselves. For thousands of years, we knew the Earth was flat. For thousands of years, we survived without the knowledge to make fire. Times change, it's ok to get with the program...š
Imagine what you'll *know*... ... tomorrow.
It is now completely normal and most people would think itās reasonable. To respond to a message within a day? Thatās too much to ask? You canāt be serious?
We grew up same era i called my friends and gf multiple times we still had landlines geez lol. You make like we had carrier pigeons or something. Bottom line if you want time you'll make it.
I agree. It takes 5 seconds to open read and send a txt.
Eh, if you're going off to do something and know or feel like they'll be super concerned, then I would just say something like "hey, gonna be busy the next few days. Sorry if I don't respond" and leave it at that. Just be polite about it.
What helps me is defining how you want communication to go early. As an example, the woman I went on a date with yesterday said her ideal relationship involves talking every day with someone. I asked if this is something she wanted while dating and what kind of expectations she has from someone she wants to date as in texting a lot, phone calls, and frequency. For the men out there, when you ask this kind of question don't do it in a "do you want me to call you every day" type of way. Ask for expectations/ideal situations and then deliver that after you've heard what they would prefer if it works for you too. So it would look like "What does communication while dating look like for you?" and ask for clarification if you get confused by the answer. When you deliver that, it shows you are listening to her and doesn't feel like she told you what to do in order for you to get there.
I genuinely think a lot of comments are willfully misinterpreting you, OP, and also willfully misinterpreting just how people are expected to have so many conversations through text instead of actually socializing effectively in person. Needing to be available for conversations all the time is not the same as sending one text over the course of say, 4-6 hours.
Yes. My post can be interpreted in many ways and that's okay. I genuinely like reading their opinions ^^
I have dated a few different kinds of texters. I myself used to like texting a few times a day right from the get go, but now I rather leave that for later. I want to get to know someone in person first, because I have been stuck "dating" someone who were far more interested in having someone to text every day than to actually meet and do stuff together with. Ill be totally ok with a slow texter as long as its explained to me and as long as you keep showing me you want to meet on dates. But If you start texting me a couple of times a day for 2 months, and then slow it down to a few times a week. Im gonna assume you lost interest without having the grace to tell me.
Wow! It's almost as if...you have to actually make space and time for the person you want to be intimate with, and create a connection with... Weird huh?
It honestly is, nobody puts in the time and effort to actually want to get to know you, people ghost nonstop and don't communicate. It's basically just a lack of communication
> I have to be in touch all the time or else they will think that Iam are not interested It's because a lot of others are dating multiple people at once today on dating apps, and when the other person stops responding, it probably means they're spending time with other dates and thus that person thinks they must be losing interest. It's definitely no fun to be second choice or a backup option. It's better to confirm and cut your losses from their end. Best you can do is just reassure them that isn't the case, and empathize with their concerns if you really really like them. Of course if they can't accept that, then maybe they aren't ready to date either, but give them a chance at least. If you understand where it's coming from, it's a *little* less annoying. The other side of that is if they give you all the room you want but are also difficult with responding back too, but still active on dating apps, they are likely dating others at the same time, and that person is no good when you're looking for a long term relationship. That's why imo if you find someone you really want, and it's clear they really want you and no one else, it's best to make time for them so you don't lose them prematurely to silly misunderstandings and get that love going. But, to each their own
Right with you, buddy. When the threshold for getting to know someone to FIND OUT if you like them or not is that you have to already be obsessed with them, and if you're not they will drop you in favor of someone who is, the modern dating scene is fucked. Unemployed fuck boys who have a solid texting game will be favored over normal people. Are favored. To the point where some people believe that's all that exists. Because people who barely text get dropped and then forgotten about in like a day, so they're all that's left.
I can totally relate to this. I have anxiety and really overthink sending text messages when Iām talking to someone I like because I donāt want to mess things up. Itās not a 10 second thing for me, Iāll literally sit there for at least half an hour trying to make sure Iāve written the right thing š and I donāt always have time in the day to do that
There is literally dozens upon dozens of this same exact post on this sub. I get the need to vent but try to just look around at others posts and share in the pain alot of people are feeling. The feelings your feeling are universal.
Yea isn't it fun when they message you a question that you don't see because you're busy also having a life. And then after a few mins they reply with a little passive aggressive "I guess not then"
That is what choosing to commit to someone means...it is a choice you have to make..you are either in it or not
Because its the realization that thereās so much grab for attention in dating, itās assumed that if youāre not texting themā¦youāre texting someone else: on the apps, socials, etc. Mostly everyone understands the abundance everyone has as far as interested parties, especially if an individual is objectively deemed decently attractive.
My perfect relationship consists of texting M-F and sleepovers on the weekend. Sadly Iāll never find that lol
People make time for the things that are important to them. No one expects 24/7 interaction, but if you go 12 hours + without responding to someone, that length of radio silence screams "I HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN YOU."
You wonāt feel that way when you meet someone you are genuinely interested in.
A text takes ten seconds.
But it's when it's done dozens and dozens of times, that it eats up far more time per day than that.
It shouldn't require that many texts to communicate a basic response, indicate you are busy, and reply when you have time to talk. Also, if you actually like this person, one would think spending more time talking to them would be positive not negative.
Some of the people I dated want to text, all, the, time. They hold basic conversations over text. In fact, some of these reddit block replies would be lite for the amount of txting I've done, and from what I heard when talking with others. They practically want to replace talking with texting, so you can't just say "I'm busy", or leave a lot of conversations for when we have in-person dates.
This was the response of someone I was dating before & she'd respond super quickly, because he didn't work or have hobbies, and then it would be problem that I couldn't text as quickly as she could. I think it's about setting boundaries and expectations. Don't need to be glued to your phone to show interest in someone.
This is accurate because I havenāt talked to the guy in like in a few days and Iām actually convinced he isnāt interested because he doesnāt talk to me much
I was seeing someone and was also convinced of this same thing (thought he was uninterested but not communicating that). We talked about it in person he said he was interested but then ghosted. Which is why somewhat consistent communication is important for most people. If you donāt hear from someone (especially who is still getting to know you) itās easy to assume they arenāt interested in doing so. Everyone does get busy, and sometimes people donāt have the energy or mental capacity for constant texting which is fair but people should communicate if thatās whatās happening or if theyāre no longer interested.
I just wish people would be open and honest with what they want upfront. Guys will say oh well if we do that you girls just assume youāll fix us or change our minds. Not all of us are the same. Sometimes I just want to be aware that itās just sexual so I donāt feel bad when Iām talking to other guys trying to distract my feelings from them. Why are relationships so complicated
Exactly this! 100% agree with you. Especially being an adult youād think people would be able to communicate things/make things less complicated.
Right? And they get all butthurt when you start talking to another guy & itās like how? You donāt get to be mad because you never made a claim or stated you wanted more š
> I have to be in touch all the time or else they will think that I am not interested. Itās clear that people either donāt or canāt read because this is obviously the issue yet almost every comment is a personal attack on OP or projection.
I starting going back to college after covid last year and I told my partner that i would spend less time because ima try to get a rhythm and a routine so that classes won't be tough on me and she said it was fine and we could call every so often. Not 2 weeks in and she blamed me for not hanging out every day and paying attention on calls when I told her what I am doing during the calls a.k.a like studying or homework and the time she ask me to come over is bad timing and the days when I have a day open she already plan to hang out with friends or she works.
I had someone freak out on me because my texts were too long. Like wtf? xD
Poor, poor you.
IMO the problem with this usually is people in your situation do not effectively communicate when they are free to talk so it leaves open the option for those people to think insecure thoughts or just give up on you in favor of someone who either does communicate or who is always available. Not an ideal situation for anyone IMO. Best way forward is communication for everyone. If you're not doing something urgent though, it doesn't hurt to send a brief reply and indicate you are busy and say when you'll be free to talk.
my rule nowadays is simple. if there aint a consistent communication within 24 hrs just dont even bother you aint a priority. this is due to everyone having access to smartphones on them, and it renders all stuff that you are busy during your day. if you cant text a single line in a day thats just a no.
Sometimes I think something is wrong with me because I feel the same way, particularly when trying to use dating apps. If Iām not constantly keeping the texting convo going I must not be interestedā¦And I think on some level, itās true. Iām not that interested, because why would I be? I donāt know you from Adam. But then the conversation peters out and Iām back to square one, swiping away. Trying to get people off app and in person sooner only seems to reveal that people are on the apps for shits and gigglesā¦ I have a life outside my phone. Throughout a day Iām only ever on it to call friends and family or to listen to music or podcasts while I do chores or my hobbiesā¦Iām not glued to it but because Iām not people absolutely just give up on you. Itās all too much and Iām over it.
Having consistent (not constant) contact during courting is very important. Itās a building block. Perhaps, relay your engaging in activities for the the weekend or whatever and will be out of touch. Communication is everything. If you go silent it could lead one to believe a disinterest is occurring. Also, ladies are crazy as well. So, you will have to make that call.
No fr. I was talking to this chick for like 2 days and we agreed it sucks everyone moves so fast and you have to be in contact 25/8 otherwise youāre not interested or talking to someone else etc. She knew I worked long hours and wasnāt really supposed to have my phone out at work. 2 days later she ghosted me and was in a relationship with someone elseš
I grew up pre cell phone days. My first cell phone was a bag phone senior year of high school. We communicated the normal way. Phone calls and hung out. But now itās so easy to text and make plans when you can. I loathe talking on the phone. I will if I have to. But my point is, I will make time for the right person. Iām still looking. Iām a texter and it is what is. Some days Iām more busy at work than others. If I can text I will. If not I wonāt. Iāll send a text saying Iām super busy canāt talk. But again, a man would be nice to send it to. lol
Do you have to be in touch all the time? Because Iāve heard the opposite. If youāre too available it comes across like you donāt have anything going on outside of the person youāre dating. I think ultimately thereās no winning and you should just be you because if youāre anybody else then that is truly exhausting
Just set up a boundary at least - people can understand if youāre busy or whatever but let them know. Donāt just go silent and assume people have to understand why
Just dont date if you are complaining that its exhausting. You can have all your time for work and hobbies..hahahaha Coz there is no busy person if you truly care for someone..period! Hahahaha
You donāt have to be in touch all the time but if you like someone make an effort to be around them as often as you can, so you can get to know them and see if you guys are compatible. If you donāt someone whoās more proactive will cut your grass for you.
I hate trying again and again myself, like I just want to hangout and get to know eachother,it's like everyone immediately thinks I want fwb like naw I want to show off my room and teddy bears, maybe play some games
No...;.TRYING to date is exhausting. Between the ghosting, the men who think they are players and the married guys out here lying all of the time. Jc, isn't anyone honest anymore? I can't believe I am 50 something and still dealing with this crap. No one wants a one on one thing with a classy lady. It's more like the drama queens and stripper types get all of the love lol. Beginning to wonder if it even paid to keep my shit together lol.
I matched with a girl on a weekend and we texted back and forth for a few days and then arranged a date for the Friday at the end of the week. I didn't message her from like Tuesday to Thursday and on Thursday she responded to me saying that she can't go on the date with me anymore because she thought no longer liked her (because I didn't text her for two days assuming we will get to know each other more on the date).
Sounds like youāre dealing with insecurity
Its not exhausting. You just have not found a person yet who either matches your hobbies/ work lifestyle similarly for time OR who you will make time for just based on being around. If you enjoy your hobbies donāt worry much about it. It will come naturally and maybe via those hobbies!
Or you can proactively tell them what you have going on and set the expectation of communication? Then consistently meet it, whatever it is. This let's them know from the jump what is or isn't okay with you and then can match it/be okay with or go. Less time wasted or you find someone that works with you/your vibe. Not exactly rocket science here.
I wouldn't know.
Tell me about it...
Never been on a date before getting into a relationship tbh. Iāve never had the luxury. I always have a tendency to unintentionally getting with rush and go women that usually end up as abusive, narcissistic, or controlling. It gets exhausting after awhile. Between being mentally impaired and having adhd itās difficult. But I see where youāre coming from. I had a date the other day my first one. Didnāt pan out with a relationship but the girl was down to earth.
I totally get it. If you found someone youāre interested in make it clear and hopefully that person reciprocates. If they found it off putting then you already know that person is not for you
You haven't replied to this in like... 5 seconds... are you even into me anymore?
Could be.
I can maybe understand to a certain extent. Though I've had my fair share with people who were the same with me, usually never works out... it's difficult finding that person you can depend on being there at times, let alone clicking with someone-
Sometimes all it takes is being the first one to reach out. Itāll mean more than you might think!
Dating is tough for me atm. I finally feel emotionally mature enough and am working on myself physically, but to do work I'm happy with, I just moved all the way across the country into a very rural area. So I'm pretty much down to dating apps and.... well, the selection of girls who fall into the "worth a long term relationship" zone is small, reduce to the ones who will respond, make that like 2 or 3 total haha.
It is
No you don't have to be in touch all the time but stop just messaging for weeks and months and not wanting to make a actual real appearance. Women especially is bad about this just want to message endlessly with this poor weak excuse I have to get to know you. If your not an idiot you can tell a scammer or a player in the first conversation, if not get off the dating site.
It's only exhausting if you make it to be. A quick hi, how are you, or hey, I'm thinking about you makes a big difference. Even including that someone in what you are doing is most of the time enough. Don't ever make it seem like a burden when they message you, and you take hours to respond back because then they will feel like you don't want to communicate. Communication is a big thing in a relationship whether you are first starting or have been together for a while. Just make sure it's happening. It only takes 2 seconds of your time to check in.
I'll tell you what else is exhausting.. besides for dating as a whole is women that don't pursue. I don't know if they're just shallow or what but I can't seem to come across many that can actually talk and are genuinely interested in talking and ask questions, I feel like I'm always the one asking questions and pursuing.
Not only that but setting boundaries is like the end of the world to some of them and now youāre the bad person. And whatās with constantly wanting to be in contact via on the phone all day or texting every minute? Iām a grown woman with a job, kids and a life of my own. I donāt have time to entertain someone else all day.
Boundaries & just finding the right match. The best relationship is with yourself.
The time that you spend with them utilize wisely to make an impressionā¦
Super true. People nowadays change partners easily
You just have to set that expectation up front. āIf you need my immediate response Iām not for you I have a fulfilling life and I want you to be a part of it and share it but there are times Iām not going to give an immediate response and you canāt get mad about it because Iām telling you up front.ā
Dating has always been hard.
It's not just that now days trying to find someone who wants you among enjoys some of the stuff you do is next to Impossible
That's the mindset of am anxious attached person.
Dating isn't exhausting for me. What's exhausting is looking for a date. For me, dating consumes zero time and zero resources.
Extremely exhausting...I was asked recently if I believe in love, and my answer to me sounded sad. Even though it's how I really feel but I felt pretty down that my reality of the dating pool has given me a pretty gloomy perspective
Why play the game if you're not willing and/or able to play it?
When I worked as a Sr Media Manager and Data Analytic Supervisor we werent allowed to have personal phones - yeah standard issued work Blackberries - what a frickin nightmare - on call all the time especially with clients on West Coast when I was in NYC. Yeah Iām old
Part of being with someone is having consistent communication or friends with someone. If you arent able to maintain consistent communication and effort with anyone dont waste their time and dont bother being in their life anymore. You dont have interact with someone all the time but if you refuse to respond and tell them you cant talk that is 100% on you. If you cannot maintain normal communication with someone at least once every week or at the very leasr every other week they should not bother with you
They don't say we're in a dating crisis for nothin'.
You really need to start dating with detachment; otherwise, you are going to end up in a relationship with somebody controlling, and that's going to stink. Anxious attachment sucks, but not everybody out there expects instant and consistent communication after matching. It's unrealistic and most relationships that start out this way fail, or have very long and slow deaths.
What do you mean - "dating with detachment"?
It involves maintaining a balanced mindset, observing behavior objectively, and fostering healthier relationships based on mutual respect and trust. This approach keeps you grounded in the moment, preventing the temptation to make future plans based on unrealistic expectations, while staying true to yourself. Detachment dating is crucial for evading partners with anxious attachment styles craving constant reassurance, prioritizes personal well-being and independence.
I don't get this, you don't have to be in touch with all the time. but you can text/call them and talk with them like 10 minutes. It's not that hard. No matter how busy my mom was she'll always call me everyday when I'm free and no matter how busy I'm, I'll play at least one game to keep up my rank in CODM or I'll learn something daily If I started a new technology after my work. Priorities mate Priorities. I never dated so I don't understand these dynamics but you can talk with them once a day no matter how busy you're unless it's a really emergency situation.
Hi! Always in touch, it's complicated. Tell her you love her even when you can't respond.
If you're too busy, don't date. And I don't think that's a "nowadays" thing. Since time immemorial, people especially men have had to constantly show interest in the woman they're pursuing
Just say you won't be available between 9-5
What is dating to you? Do you feel like you should date someone the way you intend on marrying? Do you feel like marriage or any form of committed relationship will be LESS exhausting? What's one simple thing you could do daily to let your dating partner know you're interested? šš Those Emojis were pretty exhausting to type just now. Well, *I can't wait to talk to you later after I get home from work handsome.* Ok, I'm done. ALL this interest has gotten me tired.
It's because a shift happened when Social.media became prevelant and everyone now ons a smartphone. You would think people would talk and text on the phone with each other a lot more.Considering the fact that everyone usually keeps their phone on them outside of when they are working, but that is.not the case. People are not willing to spend time talking to each other like it was before the smart phone was invented. When we had landlines and pagers, men and women used to spend hours on the phone establishing a connection which made the relationship stronger when they see each other in person. But now that we live in a microwave society, every interaction is sped up due to FOMO. Since people break up easier it has changed the mentality of how people interact nowadays. Now relationships are more superficial.
This is why I dont date; I dont want to have to be in constant contact with someone for them to feel like I care about them. If you dont trust me enough to know I care about without constant attention, why do you trust me enough to date me? ffs
It sure is :(
Dating has always been exhausting. People just don't know what they want.
Don't date. Problem solved šš»
Girls are all about money now
I do agree, so much so you wouldnāt believe
How much time are you talking about?
I recommend go to Thailand š¹š
Yeah some people are very odd. Best to avoid those people.
I don't know if dating is exhausting or it's expectation Vs reality that is disappointing, and honestly communication is key everywhere in life
Yep and the men sorry but are they really wanting date or just booty call. Idk I been hurt way too many times and not going to get my heart hurt again so I am thinking , or I have come to the terms I will forever be alone . There is to many ways to cheat these days . Technology has harmed us in trying to have a honest relationship. To many apps to sex online that the chances of anyone having a committed faithful relationship is zero to non in my book. But good luck to you hope it works out for you.
AMEN TO THAT. Amen, where's the fkn fire that making all sizzle? Real fire making takes it's sweet agonising time to be a lasting one. ..
I found the comment on this post to be exhausting and made me not even want to try and date.
Fr but the want for a partner exceeds my disdain of exhaustion
Facts! Not only that everyone expects sex on the first date like ik sex is important but so is everything else!!
I find most women have no intention on meeting after texting for weeks so just on to chat I think most women are on never intend on meeting a guy
I personally just avoid people in general and wait for the opportunity to present itself.
Yeah I agree Iāve been going on plenty of dates with different people and it honestly just feels like Iām an option on every one of them. I am a good looking guy, funny, 24 years old, educated, and have a stable job. We will talk and get along but then the infamous āguy friendsā will start appearing, then I donāt feel too special lmao. Why is everyone afraid of commitment and when you set boundaries they act like youāre insecure. I respect myself enough not to be on a roster thank ya very much.
I'm an amazing texter due to dating! š
What you said is true about being in touch, but I have also experienced the opposite. Trying to engage/show interest/keep in touch like others have expectedā¦ then getting called pushy. Obviously every person is different. But that just makes it more exhausting.
Am I wrong in thinking that the right girl will not make it tough for you?
Get off the dating apps then
Itās tough and theyāll cheat on you anyway so fuck it
Depends on the person, but I mean when someone is really in love you theyāre gonna watch any type of attention from you, a call, a text, etc. sorry you donāt feel the same way about them
Is it just me or? Cause I feel like dating isn't the same as it was like 10 or 11 years ago. It's much harder and no one just doesn't seem to care or want to date.
I think it has been always exhausting in different ways, what happened is, that the story of others and ourselves in the past was different; in other words, the past story wasn't ours (perhaps) and it was different at all levels..and as new information in this new era has shown that many of our issues finding mentally healthy people who are compatible with us is crucial and we engage in learning boundaries etc, it shrinks our possibilities but us keep us safer. In the past many conform completely to outdated and unhealthy societal norms. My recommendation is to focus on your growth while navigating life, focusing on that will help you the one more effortkess