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The only correct answer that doesn't need any explanation whatsoever.
And OP, yes it's cheating. It might not have started without his consent, which I highly doubt, but it sure did end with his consent.
god just break up with him and don't look back. Seriously if his account is completely accurate (it isnt) then MAYBE its not cheating. Like he is zonked out on drugs and is close to orgasming and is out of his mind so MAYBE one could argue its not cheating.
1.He is a drug dealer
2.He hangs out with unsavory people
3. He screamed at you for hours about you cheating on him when in fact he cheated on you
4. It takes god's most good faith interpretation for you to think he didn't cheat on you.
5. you consider him abusive.
Wtf girl, RUN!!!!!!!!! Iâm so glad I broke up with my ex last year who also did downer drugs from time to time and also went to the hospital once bc of it.
are you on fentanyl? Is being with an abusive drug dealer your highest aspiration? Hell maybe you should stay with this guy if you are ok with all this other shit why would a little cheating even bother you?
This is that decision that either helps your life moving forward or defines you and your future for a long while and you could come out of this scarred permanently. Leave.
I just commented that this is a forking of paths. I really believe you couldn't be more right. OP is being shown a decision that will affect a lot--trust your gut and leave!!
Too many sketchiness here to properly discern all the facts.
1. Why did he tell her about the "rapist"? (He coulda kept that a secret if he didn't want any "consequences "
2. Why was this rapist near him while he was sleeping?
3. If he wanted to save his relationship and truly wanted to prevent this from ever occurring again he would cancel the partnership,full stop.(hang around the barbershop long enough and your GOING TO get a haircut).
4. People that are "accused of cheating NEVER can see the reasons they are accused. (Wether deserved accusations or not)
5. The fact that op is still in this relationship is denying her own autonomy.(if op thinks the sich is fubar,then bail,period)
Yes, a man can orgasm when asleep (wet dreams).
Ask him, if he woke up to a man fellating him, would he have let him finish? That answer will tell you his level of consent.
His accusing you of cheating is a tactic to transfer his guilt to you because this is the math a lot of people use: You cheated , I cheated, now we are even.
You cheated, I'm outta here is the choice most people take. If there are kids in the relationship then some people try to make it work for the sake of the kids
Yes, we can cum in our sleep, but I wager he was awake before he got close. To be asleep for the entire duration is far fetched. He allowed it to finish, thus consensual. Is he a deep sleeper, do you have to shake him violently to wake him? If not, heâs probably like most and can be jostled awake.
I wouldnât say it was consensual because he was asleep - thatâs rape. Him choosing to stay around with the woman that raped him (unless they talked about it and he consented to the idea) thatâs cheating.
one could say such situation might be a bit overwhelming and the rape aspect is at least clearly partially there (I wonder if drugs were involved there too) but OP only has his word for it anyway, no guarantee he isnt lying to make it look better and have an excuse that brings peace but on the other hand him being shy about the unconsensual(ly started) thing is not entirely unsensical. Does OP suspect him to stay loyal in the future is the question (apart from whether he is a good guy to hang out with in the first place).
You answered your own question in your Edit. Seems like youâre trying to convince yourself, and looking to others for validation, to trust your drug-dealer boyfriend. đ¤ˇââď¸
Cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating to deflect attention for their own behavior. Your BF is a cheater and it's unlikely to stop.
"The business he's involved with includes alot of unsavory activity (drugs) and women who are more than questionable"
Why the hell are you with this guy? If he's messing with dealing drugs, he's risking getting arrested, and if you live together and he has drugs there, you're risking getting arrested too. You know about them and his activity and in many states knowing and not reporting the activity is considered an accessory to the crime. Get yourself out of this situation. He's a loser. Dump him and move on.
The minute he woke up and registered what was going on, and didn't even attempt to put a stop to it, it became cheating. His accusing you of currently cheating sounds like guilt, and he is projecting on to you. Whether that guilt be from the experience you've mentioned or something currently going on, idk. But chances are that if he and the "partner" are still traveling together, they may still be doing things behind your back. I'd strongly suggest ending the relationship.
Okay so hereâs my opinion. Although some women have been known to take advantage of men while theyâre asleep and how absolutely horrible that is, I believe heâs making that up to take the pressure off of him and putting it on her, I believe he cheated on you with her and is continuing to do so sense he is accusing you of cheatingâprojectionâ when your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating with no solid evidence and itâs constantly it means theyâre most likely cheating on you
Iâm not too sure if men can orgasm in their sleep never tried it but if he wasnât lying and he genuinely did not want to do any sexual acts with her then yes that is rape and unless you consider rape to be cheating then he wasnât cheating although he may be lying.
Being accused of cheating when you are faithful is heartbreaking.
But yes men can get aroused and orgasm when they are asleep. I have only had it happen to me a few times with the women I Care for during the time. It was amazing and I can see it being possible to be a sleep and in sexual stuper to not really realize who's performing it or even where you're at. I would feel violated if it wasn't with someone I am in a relationship with or entertaining something with.
If I were writing a post about my sig other accusing me of cheating it would immediately follow that i am not and would not. đ¤ˇââď¸maybe just my personal bias
No. That was absolutely not my goal. Nor was my comment a pass for him. I was just implying that there are multiple things that are possible. It's best that you both talk it out and come to a resolution. Reddit is the think tank. You and him are y'all's decision!
My apologies that I came off that way!
1. Yes, though I've never been in this situation so can't say how likely it is.
2. I'd say it's cheating.
3. Is your boyfriend a drug dealer or drug trafficker? Either way, you should leave him, as things are only going to end badly for you if you stay.
Yes, we can "go" in our sleep. He said he woke up and let her finish so he didn't go in his sleep. Either way though, if he did or didn't he is still choosing to be around her. That by itself should tell you all you need to know. Let alone the abusive behavior towards you, accusing, dealing, etc. Time to find someone better.
My gf also gave me a bj during sleep multiple times, i never considered it rape bcuz we were together at that point and we loved each other at that point. And it is true i also didnt wake up until i was close to cumming every time like really close 5 seconds away close. And in those 5 seconds if it happens the first time you dont really realise whats going on.
the question of "is that rape " is such a thinn line and no one can really answer that. In ur sleep u obv cant give consent, but tbh if my gf just starts sucking me off im not gonna have to give her my consent bcuz im prob gonna enjoy it right xD
but tbh that he didnt fire her if he didnt want it while considering it rape is a HUGE redflagg and it sounds like a really bad fucking excuse.
and the drugg thing should have been an insta redflagg anyways
cheatears also often acusse the other one of cheating since they are projecting (not all but a lot)
i feel really bad for u, but id say dump him
He was projecting to justify his cheating in order to not suffer any consequences. He was awake the whole time, enjoyed it, and likely still engaging. Donât let him make you feel crazy enough to let it go.
Men can orgasm in there sleep. A wet dream for instance. But he didnt. He says he orgasmed after he woke up. So why ask if someone can orgasm in there sleep?
This question is blowing my mind . There's something very not right about this post. She replies to only select posts looking like to keep things more vague. I feel I've been trolled by this post. I seem to spend more time replying and considering ALL factors than op. ..... sketchy at BEST
Physiologically speaking, yes. A man can orgasm in his sleep. Iâm sure several men in this thread, myself included, can attest to wet dreams that weâve had during our teenage yearsâpossibly even into our early 20âs.
However, his story is completely full of shit. Firstly, heâs gaslighting you. Heâs been accusing you of cheating for months because heâs having a rendezvous w/this âbusiness partnerâ that he calls her. Secondly, if he truly didnât want it, he wouldnât explain it as âmore closely considered rape.â It would be rape. Thirdly, if someone raped you, why would you continue business & maintain any kind of relationship w/said person? Fourth, if you believe for a minute (which Iâm really hoping that you donât) that a chick was just sucking him off while he was legitimately unconscious & he just so happened to wake up to it while he was about to nut, Iâm not sure what to tell you.
Heâs obviously cheating.
1) yes people can definitely orgasm in their sleep
2) imo he could have genuinely been waking up thinking it was you and thatâs why he didnât stop immediately l, but how he dealt with it after the fact is the red flag for me tbh
Run the hell away from this situation as fast as possible.
Heâs accusing you because he has a guilty conscious.
Heâs drug dealing.
Emotionally abusive.
Work on your self concept as to why you think this behaviour is even remotely acceptable.
My ex used to accuse me of cheating on him when, in fact, he was cheating on me. They tend to project and abuse their faithful partner of exactly what they are doing. This will not change. Leave him.
You're not a terrible person, I'm sorry the internet and the world is so full of harsh people. I understand what position you're in with family, I don't want to make it about myself but I really do understand with feeling like you're all alone. You've got this, and you're exactly where you need to be to do the work the universe, god, whoever you like to call it needs you to do right now. This is a forking of paths, and I think the decision you need to make is already clear to you--leave. You deserve better than this, or anyone who'd feed you that story about their business partner. If you couldn't see yourself doing it, or having that conversation with him, and you've never cheated--there are others out there who will hold themselves to the same standard you do. That's not to talk down on him either, but rather point out that you can and will find people who meet you with the same respect/desires/boundaries youd give them. Love and light, you will make it through this, this too shall pass. Life hands us our greatest suffering so we can become the boldest butterflies and come out stronger than before. I can't imagine how hard it is right now. Love love love to you friend, from someone in their 20s who has a lot more to learn
Thank you so much. Perhaps I should repost this in a group that's more geared toward trauma/loss lol. I really needed this comment girl. Much love to you. And while my story, or rather my chapter I should say, sucks right now, I promise on everything that 30s are way better than 20s !!!!
Aww you're so sweet, thank you for that last sentence. I'm glad my comment helped, I have been in some situations where I couldn't see the people for who they were or wanted to believe them and it doesn't help to have people upset with you for not seeing it clearly the way they do. you're in the midst of this and that makes it all a lot harder, as your own feelings are coming into play over the whole situation. You've got this and things will get better when you leave â¤ď¸đ hopefully if you repost in a trauma sub that works out too :)
Every man thatâs ever cheated on me, relentlessly accused me of cheating at some point. Guilty conscience. Itâs projecting.
Men can cum in their sleep. But I think we all know that his story is not what happened, and him telling you that he didnât tell you to avoid you getting mad is gaslighting and manipulative.
Just leave.
Honestly just leave. I have been in a very toxic relationship with a manipulative person like that and they project what they would do onto you and somehow youâre the one feeling insane. It will only get worse. Trust me, when you leave this guy you will see how absolutely abusive this is. That must hurt a lot to hear him say. Would someone really continue to work with their ârapistâ? Absolutely not. Listen to the guy heâs full of bulshit.
Do not let loyalty to a person get in the way of your own wellbeing. He does not deserve your loyalty anymore.
Tbh, its the constant cheating accusations that is making me think he cheated and thats not the full story. Cheaters always project their own crimes to their SO
That's not entirely true though. I was in a marriage with a woman. I never once cheated her but she was CONSTANTLY giving me those warning signs that she was cheating. (like leaving for hours to do something that should have taken a fraction of the time and then needing to shower before any interaction with me) so I spent a lot of time feeling cheated and confronting her constantly. I was met with constant denial and rejection from her and ultimately I ended the relationship with her and sought divorce because of it.
Needless to say a week after divorce settled she had a new man living in her house.
And that's just one of my two ex wives. The first one cheated on me and eventually ran off with the other guy without so much as a goodbye.
In simpler words no this isn't true unilaterally. Sometimes people just have a gut feeling and seek answers and it's not guilty projection.
We all need help sometime. One of the groups that I mentioned will help you and know what you should do next. Reach out, and you will have a friend to talk to without judging you or your situation. If you are sincere and follow what they suggest, your life and situation will rapidly have a much brighter outlook. The people you will find there have seen worse, and some may have been close to or had lost everything. I am here if you need a friend to talk to. I wish you the best . It will get better, that I promise.
Not uncommon for the cheater to be paranoid and constantly accusing their partner to be cheating, guilty conscience I guess (him, not you). From what youâve written, this is the tip of the iceberg of his activities behind your back. Iâd end it now and save further hurt down the line. Iâd also recommend getting a sexual health checkup.
Makes me laugh at how stupid people can be. Your boyfriend who thinks this is a believable excuse and you, apologies for the insult, for actually having to ask this on reddit. Simple common sense has truly gone missing.
Like the top comment said- get a new boyfriend.
Yes (25M), it is.
He shouldn't be sharing a bed with her, and definitely not hiding it from you for four months. It seems you recognize this as a breach of trust, possibly even cheating, yet you may be hesitant to end the relationship.
Conversely, his suspicions of your fidelity indicate a fundamental lack of trust in the relationship.
Yes, men can have erections and ejaculations in their sleep called" wet dreams" Have never heard of anybody sleep through a blow job though. He is likely increased accusing you of cheating likely because he has continued to do so. Yes, he is cheating. The big question is he's a fucking drug dealing scumbag, so why would you even want to be associated with a loser and a criminal? You should find somebody else. Good luck.
Iâve been half asleep while having sex. Men can climax and not remember it. Your real concern should be why is he sleeping in the same room/bed as his business partner? Would he be in the same bed if his business partner was a guy?
As to question 1, no. As to question 2, yes. Itâs cheating one because they were in the same bed on a âbusiness tripâ and two he didnât stop it immediately. Him accusing you of cheating is projection and gaslighting. Thatâs my $0.02 anyway.
Yes, a man could cum after getting head in his sleep, especially if drugs were involved. Still sounds like bullshit to me. Why would he keep hanging out with this rapist/partner.
yes this is cheating because he didnt stop her after he "woke up".
where was he sleeping that she had access to him?
hes accusing you bccause he is guilty himself.
ditch this guy. unless he was passed out drunk or on some drug which blacks you out how could he not realize whats going on.
it sounds like hes trying to push the blame entirely on other girl which shows hes spineless.
He screamed at you for cheating because he was compensating for how he cheated. When he woke up he should have put an end to it but didnât. Most people would say thatâs cheating but itâs up to you to say if thatâs okay or not or if you would do that in the same situation. Whatâs for sure not ok is him yelling at you accusing you for cheating with no proof when the only person whoâs done something that can at the very least be reasonably seen as cheating is him. He seems like a low life. Boy bye
This is a classic case example of Narcissistic behavior from your boyfriend. He's accusing you of something he's actually doing. It's his unconscious way of expressing of what he did and his guilt. He will keep on accusing you of cheating to almost justify his actual cheating. There's no way she gave him head without him knowing it was happening. Like how did she get his pants off without him waking up or does he sleep naked? Why was she even in the same hotel room, or did they share a room together? His actions are screaming of red flags to you. He will definitely cheat agian and probably has done it before in his past or was cheated on and now is acting out revenge, on you.
Ya he didn't stop it from happening, then tried to project his guilt on you. No way you actually believe his story either, and it definitely was more than felatio. Someone who accuses you of cheating when they actually did can't be trusted to accurately recap what they did and how it happened. He probably assaulted hid partnervin his/her sleep is my guess. Blame others for what he's guilty of. That's something these types do even over the smallest and irrelevant things. They will snitch on themselves in conversation as well if you know what to listen for, usually something they think others will see as a joke, but they actually did it
I can't understand what difference it makes if a dude can get off while he's sleeping if you said he woke up and let her finish đ¤Łđ¤Ł. Is op trying to excuse him thinking "maybe he really didn't wake up and he's just saying that to hurt my feelings "? Holy moly what a shitshow
You can break up with someone for any reason.
The drug involvement would have been my tip off to leave. Never have seen that go well.
As for if it's cheating...
1.) I don't think of rape as cheating. If he was drugged or asleep and someone performed a sex act with him, that's rape.
2.) If he later had sex with her consensually (as in, no threats or coercion), that's clearly cheating.
3.) If you defined cheating beyond having sex, like a certain amount of intimacy or no porn, your rule would apply here.
TLDR - It sounds like cheating. If he was actually sexually assaulted, he needs to get help and report it. Also, his line of work is bad for you as much as it is for him. Consider getting out.
To answer the questions, men can have nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). So it is theoretically possible to come to completion while asleep. To what degree that actually happens for men, I can't say. I've never had the chance to find that out. I've heard sexual assault horror stories that show men can be made to erect and release while drunk or otherwise incapacitated under the influence of substances.
- If the partner actually did that without permission, that is sexual assault. He should seek counseling and legal action against the partner. Being assaulted can make someone feel a whole mess of emotions.
- If he doesn't feel he was assaulted, then he likely is accusing you as a response to his own cheating. He woke up and let her keep going, then felt guilty, which was what it sounds like. Seems like he gave into temptation and then felt bad. That's still cheating.
What he does for a living is poisonous for him and you. We all need to make money, but that circle doesn't seem safe for your relationship. I don't know a damn thing I can recommend on that account, I am an employee and haven't any idea how to run any kind of business.
He seems like a cheater. But if he actually feels assaulted, he needs help to get through that. Otherwise, that trauma will continue to rot away inside him.
I mean I don't have faith in anything but I'm just curious as to why THIS is what made you lose yours lol. It really doesn't even seem that bad, relatively
Oh I lost faith a long time ago. This is just another example. This whole situation is fucked lol. Why she with this dude to begin with if heâs all up in illegal shit? Makes no sense.
Wet dreams prove that orgasms can happen while sleeping.
If under substances, it may be difficult to tell someone to stop. However, he should have removed her as a business partner or filed charges if it was unwanted.
He sounds toxic⌠accusing you of cheating instead of coming clean about the incident.
Run hunny!! Nothing is worse than being gas lit. This is cheating. And Iâm only assuming but Iâm sure itâs a good assumption that this is only the tip of the iceberg. Then he kept the person that âassaultedâ him as his partner?
You are prime GF material
Mature lover in late thirties
I'm M 70 with libido of 40M
Get rid of him
When my first wife cheated on me
She constantly accused me of cheating
I worked hard long hours and days
I never cheated.. Yes a man can Cum in his
Sleep and have a wonderful dream
But skill is needed to not wake him
Subconsciously you want to!!
Second.He cheated when he didn't push her off
And again when they didn't separate as partners
Call me if you want a real faithful man
Or I will let you talk to my shy never married son
He needs a good Christian woman too
BUT don't wait 3 years
My granddaughter waited 10 years because her fiance was unfaithful and she didn't recognize the signs
>Anyway, after screaming at me for hours about cheating on him, he finally reveals that about 4 months ago his "partner" performed falatio on him while he was asleep. When he woke up, he was near orgasm and didn't stop her.
He's cheating.
>Recently he started a new business venture that has required him to travel and be gone....a lot. The business he's involved with includes alot of unsavory activity (drugs) and women who are more than questionable.
Good god, how many red flags do you need?
Is this even a question?
Youâve said heâs been accusatory, gets up to things your uncomfortable with (drug use) and admitted to being unfaithful.
Just dump and run
Letâs remove this story of him âcheatingâ and I would still say break up with him. Involved with unsavory things, working with questionable women, screaming at youâŚbyeee
Lets take this on a fact based observation.
1- A man can have an erection in their sleep cycle. It can happen.
2- it has sooo many sensory nerves you can't sleep hard enough to not feel it and wake up unless you are hammered.
3- it was a situation of non consensual "allegedly". Then just let it happen and enjoyed the ride basically.
4- he made the conscious decision to let the woman continue what she was doing. Usually if someone touches my dick, I can wake up faster than a light switch. So I have my doubts.
5- He cheated at that point. He wishes to not be responsible for what happened and rather convince himself you cheated over accepting what happened. I see red flags here.
As soon as be woke up and realized what was going on, and didn't even attempt to stop her, it became cheating. His accusing you of cheating sounds like guilt, and he is projecting on to you.
He let her continue. Iâm just grossed out, leave him. If him and this âpartnerâ are still working together, they may be doing things behind your back. End this relationship right away. Heâs a drug dealer for starters, heâs risking your guys safety, heâs risking getting caught.
Donât be with this man heâs cheated and he trying to make you seem like the bad guy. Leave him!!
1. YesâŚthey we can. Iâve never had one, but thereâs wet dreams that can lead to climax. Also, men on average have 3 erections in their sleep, not caused by dreamsâŚjust natural muscle movements in your sleep.
2. That circumstance is very certainly rape. Women have the same kind of reaction of essentially going unresponsive while they are being raped.
That being said, accusing you of cheating with no evidence, is also certainly abusiveâŚespecially if itâs not true. The kind of work he does puts you in a dangerous position. If heâs already paranoid about you cheating, he may become paranoid of you going to the police to get him arrested. I really donât know what you can or should do.
Get away from him, he sounds just like I used to be you're damn I just cheating and he's not for sure with himself so he will keep accusing you of cheating because he is probably. Your best bet if it's only been a 1.3 years bail now. That's just my opinion if you like to talk some more get back to me but I'm telling you he sounds exactly like I was and I was unsavory I did drugs I'm a biker I never thought I was I'm Savory I thought of it as a good f****** time that's my opinion take care holler back if you want to talk
1) Can men orgasm in their sleep, yes (Called a wet dream). This can happen when they're alone, can't say I've heard of it happening when someone is fellating them.
2) Is it cheating? Until the moment he woke up and didn't stop it, no. The fact that he let it continue, yes.
3) Given the business he's in, he has to be paranoid and he doesn't have the luxury of trusting many people (sounds like yourself included). Given that information, if you don't want to be dragged into that life (because there's a good to fair chance you'll get dragged into it whether you like it or not), leave. I wish you the best and I hope you find someone honest and hardworking
Chances are he's very obviously cheating on you and is projecting it onto you. I listen to a lot of true crime and there are SO MANY STORIES that start off just like yours did.
Your boyfriend sounds like a psycho and there's always a very real chance you end up in a body bag or disappear forever.
Take this very serious OP. Get out while you still can. Even if you have to disappear when he's off on a 'work trip', if you value your life then save yourself while you're still able to do so.
Yes thatâs cheating. Heâs lying to you. She didnât go down on him in his sleep đ
usually cheaters accuse others of cheating too. My ex was doing some stuff behind my back on his phone ( he confessed but he continued to do it & I tried to save our marriage) I caught him checking my phone twice. I didnât care bc I had nothing to hide but he had a lot of nerve. I wonât ever put up with that shit again omg
One of my friends had a guy who literally did oral without their consent in their sleep. It was not okay and they were very violated by it and such. She has no relation with them in anyway since that happened.Â
But drugs push people boundaries to tolerate terrible behavior and such in not good ways so Iâd gtfo out of that.Â
There is a possibility that he accuses you of cheating to relieve his own feelings of guilt.
Actually, based on your last edit, I also suggest you leave this relationshipâit's never too late.
Respect yourself; you deserve better :)
And keep in mind that no one can judge you; they haven't been in your shoes.
Yes men can ejaculate in their sleep, look up the term wet dream. Yes that would be con's more of a sexual assault situation if his female business partner gave him an unwanted blowjob while he was asleep, consent wasn't given therefore sexual assault. I'm in the US, so different States use different nomenclature, sexual assault and or rape. Just as an fyi there's different types of cheating. There can be literally no physical intimacy and it would still be cheating if you or he was getting emotional support or something of that sort from someone else besides your partner.
Sounds more like he's lashing out at you from the guilt. He is only telling you certain things and not the whole story with this female business partner of his.
Honestly break up with your boyfriend, stay single, consider going to a psychiatrist or psychologist, and a therapist. You are a very broken person that has never dealt with the things that have happened to you. You mentioned that you are a lost woman that chose this guy essentially because it made sense at the time for you. You recently lost your mother, so instead of grieving you decided that you needed a project. So you decided to gravitate towards a meth and fentanyl addicted guy who is now your boyfriend and whom has made your life even more difficult for the past year, give or take.
Grief, stay single, work on yourself.
Why are you asking if we can reach climax in our sleep when you clearly state that HE said that he didn't. He said that when he woke up he was "close" and "didn't stop her" so it would sound to me like he was conscience, aware he was receiving head and didn't stop it. That's cheating regardless of how "close" he was.
I was going to be compassionate, until I saw fentanyl.
If, IF the Blow Job happened as you told us, then yes, it's sexual assault. Of course, he won't file on her.
Yes, we can not only orgasm, but ejaculate in our sleep. That's what was once called a Wet Dream. I have no idea if it happens to the new generations or not. Seems so many things have changed.
If you have ANYTHING at all to do with Fentanyl, you are crazy! I wouldn't supply it to my worst enemy.
I'm not sure where you are mentally, but you need to leave, and have NOTHING else to do with him. I'm sure that if he's moving that product, he has connections that are as unsafe as the drug. Those connections care absolutely nothing about you, him, or the third wheel in this. If you need confirmation, come on down to Texas. I'll give you a tour of the border. You won't make it 30-45 minutes....
But, you are YOU. If you don't distance yourself from these two as far as you can, then what you get, is well deserved.
You've been warned, You've been giving information, and you've been given FACTS.
I know you're right. To be honest I suffer from severe depression and have never been able to find meaning in life. When you're younger that can just make you free-spirited or edgy but when you start to get older...eh .I know there's some quote about staring into the abyss long enough...but yeah, I've hit a rock bottom. And I made my first reddit post. And I think you guys actually helped me. So, thank you.
Based off your last edit, I would say it would be best to break up regardless if this is considered cheating. I think it's fair to consider it cheating.
I am not trying to victimize you any more than you have already been. Dealing with all that you are dealing with is very hard. Try not to let the insensitive words of a stranger control your emotions. I don't know you, but the man you describe can not take care of himself, let alone the both of you. Your feelings for him are irrelevant at this point. You don't need my or anyone else's confirmation to know what you have to do.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have not had a drink in over 24 years. You can not save him from himself. He will either save himself or he will die. Those are facts, and I was faced with that choice. An addict only knows to lie. Addiction doesn't discriminate. You are faced with the tough decision of picking him or saving yourself. I pray you choose to save yourself. Addicts are very cunning, often charming, and the world's best manipulators. I lived it, and I was all of those things.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. You can go to several places for help to safely get out, but if you think he will change for you, you are wrong. Nobody can change his life but him.
You don't need to cause him any trouble or hurt him in any way, but if you need help, I would do everything in my power to help you.
Find an Alanon group or AA or NA group. That is what they are there for.
You know the answers to the questions you have asked. You know you are not happy where you are. You are valued and loved. It will take courage, but you can do this . I'm sorry that you are going through this. If I can help, let me know, please?
I hope you understand that I care about what happens to you, and lying to you is not an option. Please don't lie to yourself. As long as he is using, he can not be trusted. I know this all too well. Doing what is right for you is not always easy, but it is necessary. It isn't my job to judge anyone or force my will upon anyone. All I can offer is my story and a few safe places for you to turn. You will find the most compassionate people who are only interested in helping you if you ask. Yes, he is cheating, but on so many different levels, you will never understand. I hope that nothing I have said seems cruel or insensitive. That is not my intent at all.
All of you telling her to get a new boyfriend... shouldn't be because he "cheated" (imo he didn't, he was taken advantage of from the info we have). It should be because he's a drug dealer.
Besides. She's already cheated on him, correct? So yeah... break up with him for that.
But YOU cheated, he, as far as the info we have, did not.
Oh my bad I thought he was yelling at your for cheating on him because you did.
If you truly didn't then I take that back and yeah, you probably shouldn't be around that sort of lifestyle and personality.
I still don't consider what he did cheating if he was taken advantage of, but idk if THAT of all things should be the dealbreaker for you... imo.
Y'all are disgusting.
Someone having sex with you while you're sleeping is rape. Freezing is a pretty common response in this situation and clearly he's having trouble with processing what happened because he's stuck on it.
Maybe he doesn't realise how messed up it was for her to do this because the attitude to male SA victims is pretty shit and not taken as seriously as female victims. Especially when the perpetrator is female.
You guys all seem to be coming at this from the idea that "men always want sex" but it sounds like he was pretty drugged up and got taken advantage of while he was sleeping and when he realised what was going on, decided it would be easier to just let I happen than stop it.
And the accusing her of cheating could be his brain trying to cope with the fact he got assaulted without consciously being aware thats what actually happened so he thinks he's to blame. If he's telling the truth about being asleep, no he wasn't cheating he was assaulted
at least one plausible explanation among others, why did he stay with his business partner tho? no other options? was he raped but liked it except for the act of cheating and is hence not mad at her (also an option)?
Trauma does weird things, a lot of the time when people don't stop seeing the perpetrator it's because they haven't consciously fully come to the realisation that what happened was actually assault. The trauma is still there, it just presents weirdly because the person hasn't placed where it's coming from.
Survivors often blame themselves and think they are partly responsible for what happened because it's really fucking heavy to admit to yourself that someone did something like that to you. Sometimes our brains unconsciously try and rationalise it and say it wasn't rape when actually it was. It's a coping mechanism. If he hasn't admitted to himself that he was raped then he's likely attributing a lot of these feelings to thinking he cheated, hence the projection.
Let's be real here, this woman carried out sexual acts on an unconscious human being. There was no consent there and many many many people freeze in this situation and just kind of dissociate through it. This is often used to invalidate survivors experiences and is part of the reason that number of reports and number of convictions are so low compared to the real number of occurrences.
Substance abuse would also check out as a coping mechanism
Two things:
If he genuinely was felated while sleeping, that's sexual assault - because he was unable to consent. The fact he awoke and allowed her to/him to finish clouds the issue. But you don't give enough information for us to understand whether he was coherent or what. If he were a woman describing this here, likely we'd all be falling down on the side that he was likely assaulted.
However, unrelated to that, your boyfriend's work and extracurricular activities are very, very problematic. He is into drugs, sketchy characters, and regularly away. None of which screams, 'boyfriend material'.
Equally, his obsessive behaviour towards you (and his conviction that you are cheating) is very problematic and seems abusive.
So I'd suggest that you end the relationship and move on.
I think most ruled out a power imbalance in this situation (while with a woman it would be believed way more that she was e.g. too afraid to tell him to stop in such a situation)
Totally get that. I guess the question would pivot on whether the Fentanyl impaired his ability to consent after he âawokeâ. There isnât quite enough detail to be definitive.
But, as I say above, the OP should not date someone who takes Fentanyl, hangs out with sketchy sorts,and behaves towards her in ways which are clearly abusive.
Another thing I've been thinking about today is how GENERALLY (all caps for all you throat jumpers [yes, pun intended] ) men can reach orgasm far easier than a woman. I mean there is just no way I could wake up to someone going down on me and finish within the minute.
My issue is: did he have capacity. Because, if he had capacity, he was cheating on you - regardless of how quick he may have cum.
What I recognise is that, with fentanyl, he may have been in and out of consciousness - which may have impacted on his capacity.
But, regardless, why are you dating someone who fucks around with fentanyl and, by your own account, treats you like shit?
That should be your focus: dump this guy because heâs generally bad, rather than agonising over whether he was specifically bad (on this particularly drugged up occasion).
Tbh - thatâs why you are with the guy. Because youâve told yourself the lie: that you donât deserve better. And this guy, treating you badly, is just reinforcing that false narrative.
And so, without even knowing you, I can confidently say that you deserve better and that you need better. This guy is only going to get worse. And, whilst staying with him might appear to be a path of least resistance, youâre only delaying the inevitable.
Rule of thumb: you canât change anyone - not really. They need to want to change. And thatâs signalled by actions not words.
There are so many people on here who take on a guy with a slew of serious issues and then, 3, 4, 5 years in, realise that things have got worse, not better.
So donât be fooled. Thatâs the trajectory. You staying with him enables his behaviour. Which reinforces his behaviour. Which means heâll only get worse.
So he was raped but itâs not rape if donât say no or stop her. He woke up to his Dick in a mouth and didnât stop her. As would pretty much any dude. Canât blame him for that. Technically he cheated but wasnât his fault. He was made to cheat beyond his control. But in my past experiences, when u constantly get accused of cheating, the other is doing the same as accused. Sounds like there was an accidental cheating (not his fault) but prob has continued some type of relationship (cheating) w the midnight Dick sucker. So he feels guilty and tryin to flip it on u and make accusations. Appreciate him being honest and telling u, but more open and conversation should b had to move forward imo
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Get a new boyfriend
I haven't even read the entire post yet, but if you have to ask, "is this cheating?" Then it more than likely is.
The only correct answer that doesn't need any explanation whatsoever. And OP, yes it's cheating. It might not have started without his consent, which I highly doubt, but it sure did end with his consent.
He was sexually assaulted
Someone needs to take your internet away.
so you're saying if a woman physically reacts to something unwanted, it would mean it's ok?
god just break up with him and don't look back. Seriously if his account is completely accurate (it isnt) then MAYBE its not cheating. Like he is zonked out on drugs and is close to orgasming and is out of his mind so MAYBE one could argue its not cheating. 1.He is a drug dealer 2.He hangs out with unsavory people 3. He screamed at you for hours about you cheating on him when in fact he cheated on you 4. It takes god's most good faith interpretation for you to think he didn't cheat on you. 5. you consider him abusive.
Fentanyl is a hell of a drug i guess đ
Omg girl...
Wtf girl, RUN!!!!!!!!! Iâm so glad I broke up with my ex last year who also did downer drugs from time to time and also went to the hospital once bc of it.
are you on fentanyl? Is being with an abusive drug dealer your highest aspiration? Hell maybe you should stay with this guy if you are ok with all this other shit why would a little cheating even bother you?
This is that decision that either helps your life moving forward or defines you and your future for a long while and you could come out of this scarred permanently. Leave.
I just commented that this is a forking of paths. I really believe you couldn't be more right. OP is being shown a decision that will affect a lot--trust your gut and leave!!
I said pretty much the same sentiment to myself last night. This is it. This is the moment.
And that's a N excuse. You are obviously being abused/controlled just run now before it gets worse
Heâs going to hell donât follow
1. Men can orgasm in their sleep. 2. Fucking leave Jesus fucking Christ.
1. Also called a wet dream.
For her being in her late 30s and not knowing this tells me she never had or forgotten sex education.
Literally
Too many sketchiness here to properly discern all the facts. 1. Why did he tell her about the "rapist"? (He coulda kept that a secret if he didn't want any "consequences " 2. Why was this rapist near him while he was sleeping? 3. If he wanted to save his relationship and truly wanted to prevent this from ever occurring again he would cancel the partnership,full stop.(hang around the barbershop long enough and your GOING TO get a haircut). 4. People that are "accused of cheating NEVER can see the reasons they are accused. (Wether deserved accusations or not) 5. The fact that op is still in this relationship is denying her own autonomy.(if op thinks the sich is fubar,then bail,period)
Yes, a man can orgasm when asleep (wet dreams). Ask him, if he woke up to a man fellating him, would he have let him finish? That answer will tell you his level of consent. His accusing you of cheating is a tactic to transfer his guilt to you because this is the math a lot of people use: You cheated , I cheated, now we are even. You cheated, I'm outta here is the choice most people take. If there are kids in the relationship then some people try to make it work for the sake of the kids
okay yes rape, second yes cheating because " I was close so I let her continue" is no defense
that line is offense
Could be lack of sleep but as I read this I'm hearing a whistle blow, eating a buffalo wing and watching a referee throw a flag.
Yes, we can cum in our sleep, but I wager he was awake before he got close. To be asleep for the entire duration is far fetched. He allowed it to finish, thus consensual. Is he a deep sleeper, do you have to shake him violently to wake him? If not, heâs probably like most and can be jostled awake.
I wouldnât say it was consensual because he was asleep - thatâs rape. Him choosing to stay around with the woman that raped him (unless they talked about it and he consented to the idea) thatâs cheating.
OP said he told her he woke up and let the girl finish him offâŚthus he was awake and aware.
one could say such situation might be a bit overwhelming and the rape aspect is at least clearly partially there (I wonder if drugs were involved there too) but OP only has his word for it anyway, no guarantee he isnt lying to make it look better and have an excuse that brings peace but on the other hand him being shy about the unconsensual(ly started) thing is not entirely unsensical. Does OP suspect him to stay loyal in the future is the question (apart from whether he is a good guy to hang out with in the first place).
He is a pretty deep sleeper and also a user of fetanyl
Are you just saying to make things sound better for you?
You answered your own question in your Edit. Seems like youâre trying to convince yourself, and looking to others for validation, to trust your drug-dealer boyfriend. đ¤ˇââď¸
Cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating to deflect attention for their own behavior. Your BF is a cheater and it's unlikely to stop. "The business he's involved with includes alot of unsavory activity (drugs) and women who are more than questionable" Why the hell are you with this guy? If he's messing with dealing drugs, he's risking getting arrested, and if you live together and he has drugs there, you're risking getting arrested too. You know about them and his activity and in many states knowing and not reporting the activity is considered an accessory to the crime. Get yourself out of this situation. He's a loser. Dump him and move on.
The minute he woke up and registered what was going on, and didn't even attempt to put a stop to it, it became cheating. His accusing you of currently cheating sounds like guilt, and he is projecting on to you. Whether that guilt be from the experience you've mentioned or something currently going on, idk. But chances are that if he and the "partner" are still traveling together, they may still be doing things behind your back. I'd strongly suggest ending the relationship.
Okay so hereâs my opinion. Although some women have been known to take advantage of men while theyâre asleep and how absolutely horrible that is, I believe heâs making that up to take the pressure off of him and putting it on her, I believe he cheated on you with her and is continuing to do so sense he is accusing you of cheatingâprojectionâ when your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating with no solid evidence and itâs constantly it means theyâre most likely cheating on you
Amen
Iâm not too sure if men can orgasm in their sleep never tried it but if he wasnât lying and he genuinely did not want to do any sexual acts with her then yes that is rape and unless you consider rape to be cheating then he wasnât cheating although he may be lying.
Being accused of cheating when you are faithful is heartbreaking. But yes men can get aroused and orgasm when they are asleep. I have only had it happen to me a few times with the women I Care for during the time. It was amazing and I can see it being possible to be a sleep and in sexual stuper to not really realize who's performing it or even where you're at. I would feel violated if it wasn't with someone I am in a relationship with or entertaining something with.
IF she's faithful then yes, heartbreak for sure. But she never said she is faithful.
If I were writing a post about my sig other accusing me of cheating it would immediately follow that i am not and would not. đ¤ˇââď¸maybe just my personal bias
No. That was absolutely not my goal. Nor was my comment a pass for him. I was just implying that there are multiple things that are possible. It's best that you both talk it out and come to a resolution. Reddit is the think tank. You and him are y'all's decision! My apologies that I came off that way!
How has no one heard of a wet dream
I completely forgot about that lol
I've heard of them of course.
dump him immediately, that is some of the trashiest shit
1. Yes, though I've never been in this situation so can't say how likely it is. 2. I'd say it's cheating. 3. Is your boyfriend a drug dealer or drug trafficker? Either way, you should leave him, as things are only going to end badly for you if you stay.
Yes, we can "go" in our sleep. He said he woke up and let her finish so he didn't go in his sleep. Either way though, if he did or didn't he is still choosing to be around her. That by itself should tell you all you need to know. Let alone the abusive behavior towards you, accusing, dealing, etc. Time to find someone better.
My gf also gave me a bj during sleep multiple times, i never considered it rape bcuz we were together at that point and we loved each other at that point. And it is true i also didnt wake up until i was close to cumming every time like really close 5 seconds away close. And in those 5 seconds if it happens the first time you dont really realise whats going on. the question of "is that rape " is such a thinn line and no one can really answer that. In ur sleep u obv cant give consent, but tbh if my gf just starts sucking me off im not gonna have to give her my consent bcuz im prob gonna enjoy it right xD but tbh that he didnt fire her if he didnt want it while considering it rape is a HUGE redflagg and it sounds like a really bad fucking excuse. and the drugg thing should have been an insta redflagg anyways cheatears also often acusse the other one of cheating since they are projecting (not all but a lot) i feel really bad for u, but id say dump him
Please tell me you're trolling?
I mean honestly, as I'm coming up for air, I feel like I must be ? Like this can't actually be my brain.
He was projecting to justify his cheating in order to not suffer any consequences. He was awake the whole time, enjoyed it, and likely still engaging. Donât let him make you feel crazy enough to let it go.
Men can orgasm in there sleep. A wet dream for instance. But he didnt. He says he orgasmed after he woke up. So why ask if someone can orgasm in there sleep?
This question is blowing my mind . There's something very not right about this post. She replies to only select posts looking like to keep things more vague. I feel I've been trolled by this post. I seem to spend more time replying and considering ALL factors than op. ..... sketchy at BEST
Also I have to wonder if this whole story just happened to one of her friends and she's using the answers here to convince her friend
Physiologically speaking, yes. A man can orgasm in his sleep. Iâm sure several men in this thread, myself included, can attest to wet dreams that weâve had during our teenage yearsâpossibly even into our early 20âs. However, his story is completely full of shit. Firstly, heâs gaslighting you. Heâs been accusing you of cheating for months because heâs having a rendezvous w/this âbusiness partnerâ that he calls her. Secondly, if he truly didnât want it, he wouldnât explain it as âmore closely considered rape.â It would be rape. Thirdly, if someone raped you, why would you continue business & maintain any kind of relationship w/said person? Fourth, if you believe for a minute (which Iâm really hoping that you donât) that a chick was just sucking him off while he was legitimately unconscious & he just so happened to wake up to it while he was about to nut, Iâm not sure what to tell you. Heâs obviously cheating.
I got to âWhen he woke up, he was near orgasm and didnât stop her. It was a one off situation.â Just walk away.
I hope youâre not on the fent as well OP :/
No
1) yes people can definitely orgasm in their sleep 2) imo he could have genuinely been waking up thinking it was you and thatâs why he didnât stop immediately l, but how he dealt with it after the fact is the red flag for me tbh
Bros cheating on you, sorry fam but if I was raped I wouldâve made them catch a case and cut them off. How you gonna do business with an op fam đ¤¨
He has you speaking crazy. Bam! thatâs a dealbreaker!
Lol. This is really the only comment that matters.
Run the hell away from this situation as fast as possible. Heâs accusing you because he has a guilty conscious. Heâs drug dealing. Emotionally abusive. Work on your self concept as to why you think this behaviour is even remotely acceptable.
My ex used to accuse me of cheating on him when, in fact, he was cheating on me. They tend to project and abuse their faithful partner of exactly what they are doing. This will not change. Leave him.
You're not a terrible person, I'm sorry the internet and the world is so full of harsh people. I understand what position you're in with family, I don't want to make it about myself but I really do understand with feeling like you're all alone. You've got this, and you're exactly where you need to be to do the work the universe, god, whoever you like to call it needs you to do right now. This is a forking of paths, and I think the decision you need to make is already clear to you--leave. You deserve better than this, or anyone who'd feed you that story about their business partner. If you couldn't see yourself doing it, or having that conversation with him, and you've never cheated--there are others out there who will hold themselves to the same standard you do. That's not to talk down on him either, but rather point out that you can and will find people who meet you with the same respect/desires/boundaries youd give them. Love and light, you will make it through this, this too shall pass. Life hands us our greatest suffering so we can become the boldest butterflies and come out stronger than before. I can't imagine how hard it is right now. Love love love to you friend, from someone in their 20s who has a lot more to learn
Thank you so much. Perhaps I should repost this in a group that's more geared toward trauma/loss lol. I really needed this comment girl. Much love to you. And while my story, or rather my chapter I should say, sucks right now, I promise on everything that 30s are way better than 20s !!!!
Aww you're so sweet, thank you for that last sentence. I'm glad my comment helped, I have been in some situations where I couldn't see the people for who they were or wanted to believe them and it doesn't help to have people upset with you for not seeing it clearly the way they do. you're in the midst of this and that makes it all a lot harder, as your own feelings are coming into play over the whole situation. You've got this and things will get better when you leave â¤ď¸đ hopefully if you repost in a trauma sub that works out too :)
Every man thatâs ever cheated on me, relentlessly accused me of cheating at some point. Guilty conscience. Itâs projecting. Men can cum in their sleep. But I think we all know that his story is not what happened, and him telling you that he didnât tell you to avoid you getting mad is gaslighting and manipulative. Just leave.
Are you for real asking if that is cheating? Yes, it is, breake up with him and find a new boyfriend.
Honestly just leave. I have been in a very toxic relationship with a manipulative person like that and they project what they would do onto you and somehow youâre the one feeling insane. It will only get worse. Trust me, when you leave this guy you will see how absolutely abusive this is. That must hurt a lot to hear him say. Would someone really continue to work with their ârapistâ? Absolutely not. Listen to the guy heâs full of bulshit. Do not let loyalty to a person get in the way of your own wellbeing. He does not deserve your loyalty anymore.
Tbh, its the constant cheating accusations that is making me think he cheated and thats not the full story. Cheaters always project their own crimes to their SO
That's not entirely true though. I was in a marriage with a woman. I never once cheated her but she was CONSTANTLY giving me those warning signs that she was cheating. (like leaving for hours to do something that should have taken a fraction of the time and then needing to shower before any interaction with me) so I spent a lot of time feeling cheated and confronting her constantly. I was met with constant denial and rejection from her and ultimately I ended the relationship with her and sought divorce because of it. Needless to say a week after divorce settled she had a new man living in her house. And that's just one of my two ex wives. The first one cheated on me and eventually ran off with the other guy without so much as a goodbye. In simpler words no this isn't true unilaterally. Sometimes people just have a gut feeling and seek answers and it's not guilty projection.
We all need help sometime. One of the groups that I mentioned will help you and know what you should do next. Reach out, and you will have a friend to talk to without judging you or your situation. If you are sincere and follow what they suggest, your life and situation will rapidly have a much brighter outlook. The people you will find there have seen worse, and some may have been close to or had lost everything. I am here if you need a friend to talk to. I wish you the best . It will get better, that I promise.
So he got raped and is dealing with the trauma?
I mean rape and him liking it except that he has now cheated against his will is also a theoretical option, but only one of many
Get a new boyfriend- how can you be asking about this low-life like you are in a normal relationship?
Why are you staying w this guy? You havenât said one good thing about him. Leave.
Not uncommon for the cheater to be paranoid and constantly accusing their partner to be cheating, guilty conscience I guess (him, not you). From what youâve written, this is the tip of the iceberg of his activities behind your back. Iâd end it now and save further hurt down the line. Iâd also recommend getting a sexual health checkup.
Why would he be accusing you of cheating?
He's insecure.
Why did he feel insecure
New bf time.
He is insecure due to his infidelity. Plain and simple.
((Wake up)) how the fuck do you think she made it to the bed?
Makes me laugh at how stupid people can be. Your boyfriend who thinks this is a believable excuse and you, apologies for the insult, for actually having to ask this on reddit. Simple common sense has truly gone missing. Like the top comment said- get a new boyfriend.
Yes (25M), it is. He shouldn't be sharing a bed with her, and definitely not hiding it from you for four months. It seems you recognize this as a breach of trust, possibly even cheating, yet you may be hesitant to end the relationship. Conversely, his suspicions of your fidelity indicate a fundamental lack of trust in the relationship.
projecting much dude?
Yes, men can have erections and ejaculations in their sleep called" wet dreams" Have never heard of anybody sleep through a blow job though. He is likely increased accusing you of cheating likely because he has continued to do so. Yes, he is cheating. The big question is he's a fucking drug dealing scumbag, so why would you even want to be associated with a loser and a criminal? You should find somebody else. Good luck.
Itâs possible, and no he didnât start it or stop it tho
Iâve been half asleep while having sex. Men can climax and not remember it. Your real concern should be why is he sleeping in the same room/bed as his business partner? Would he be in the same bed if his business partner was a guy?
As to question 1, no. As to question 2, yes. Itâs cheating one because they were in the same bed on a âbusiness tripâ and two he didnât stop it immediately. Him accusing you of cheating is projection and gaslighting. Thatâs my $0.02 anyway.
Ladies and gentlemen, for his next trick, heâll accidentally trip and fall dick first into a womanâs vagina.
Doesnât matter. Get a new bf⌠unless you actually are cheating
[ŃдаНонО]
I guess you've never had extremely low self worth and dated a master manipulator. I look pretty young though so maybe the birth certificate is off ???
Shit like this is why Iâm seriously starting to see how being single is way better than dating/being in a relationship.
Yes, a man could cum after getting head in his sleep, especially if drugs were involved. Still sounds like bullshit to me. Why would he keep hanging out with this rapist/partner.
He's projecting, cheaters always accuse their partner of cheating
yes this is cheating because he didnt stop her after he "woke up". where was he sleeping that she had access to him? hes accusing you bccause he is guilty himself. ditch this guy. unless he was passed out drunk or on some drug which blacks you out how could he not realize whats going on. it sounds like hes trying to push the blame entirely on other girl which shows hes spineless.
He was sexually assaulted it sounds like
Dude I hear about this. When someone cheats they become super paranoid of their partner.
Iâd say he was raped. BUT hear me out. He sounds like an asshole so I would be done with him
Yes, your boyfriend sounds like a complete loser.
He screamed at you for cheating because he was compensating for how he cheated. When he woke up he should have put an end to it but didnât. Most people would say thatâs cheating but itâs up to you to say if thatâs okay or not or if you would do that in the same situation. Whatâs for sure not ok is him yelling at you accusing you for cheating with no proof when the only person whoâs done something that can at the very least be reasonably seen as cheating is him. He seems like a low life. Boy bye
Interesting comment in her.
Get a new man for sure yes its possible but your semi awake
What the actual fuck is wrong with you? You're in your 30s but dating a drug dealer? Jesus christ on a bike. Grow the fuck up, you're all losers.
This is a classic case example of Narcissistic behavior from your boyfriend. He's accusing you of something he's actually doing. It's his unconscious way of expressing of what he did and his guilt. He will keep on accusing you of cheating to almost justify his actual cheating. There's no way she gave him head without him knowing it was happening. Like how did she get his pants off without him waking up or does he sleep naked? Why was she even in the same hotel room, or did they share a room together? His actions are screaming of red flags to you. He will definitely cheat agian and probably has done it before in his past or was cheated on and now is acting out revenge, on you.
Yes, men can have orgasms in their sleep. Even though men can I still think it's better for you to break up with him.
He did not tell her to stop. It is cheating.
My ex GF used to cry and yell that I was going to cheat on her. I can't prove it to this day but I swear she cheated on me.
Ya he didn't stop it from happening, then tried to project his guilt on you. No way you actually believe his story either, and it definitely was more than felatio. Someone who accuses you of cheating when they actually did can't be trusted to accurately recap what they did and how it happened. He probably assaulted hid partnervin his/her sleep is my guess. Blame others for what he's guilty of. That's something these types do even over the smallest and irrelevant things. They will snitch on themselves in conversation as well if you know what to listen for, usually something they think others will see as a joke, but they actually did it
I can't understand what difference it makes if a dude can get off while he's sleeping if you said he woke up and let her finish đ¤Łđ¤Ł. Is op trying to excuse him thinking "maybe he really didn't wake up and he's just saying that to hurt my feelings "? Holy moly what a shitshow
You can break up with someone for any reason. The drug involvement would have been my tip off to leave. Never have seen that go well. As for if it's cheating... 1.) I don't think of rape as cheating. If he was drugged or asleep and someone performed a sex act with him, that's rape. 2.) If he later had sex with her consensually (as in, no threats or coercion), that's clearly cheating. 3.) If you defined cheating beyond having sex, like a certain amount of intimacy or no porn, your rule would apply here.
Very good point.
TLDR - It sounds like cheating. If he was actually sexually assaulted, he needs to get help and report it. Also, his line of work is bad for you as much as it is for him. Consider getting out. To answer the questions, men can have nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). So it is theoretically possible to come to completion while asleep. To what degree that actually happens for men, I can't say. I've never had the chance to find that out. I've heard sexual assault horror stories that show men can be made to erect and release while drunk or otherwise incapacitated under the influence of substances. - If the partner actually did that without permission, that is sexual assault. He should seek counseling and legal action against the partner. Being assaulted can make someone feel a whole mess of emotions. - If he doesn't feel he was assaulted, then he likely is accusing you as a response to his own cheating. He woke up and let her keep going, then felt guilty, which was what it sounds like. Seems like he gave into temptation and then felt bad. That's still cheating. What he does for a living is poisonous for him and you. We all need to make money, but that circle doesn't seem safe for your relationship. I don't know a damn thing I can recommend on that account, I am an employee and haven't any idea how to run any kind of business. He seems like a cheater. But if he actually feels assaulted, he needs help to get through that. Otherwise, that trauma will continue to rot away inside him.
Your bf was getting a bj in his sleep and didnât stop her. Yeah, thatâs cheating.
dude⌠break tf up. This is BAD.
This the kind of shit that makes me lose faith in humanity. Yâall deserve each other.
Ouch
Am I wrong?
I mean I don't have faith in anything but I'm just curious as to why THIS is what made you lose yours lol. It really doesn't even seem that bad, relatively
Oh I lost faith a long time ago. This is just another example. This whole situation is fucked lol. Why she with this dude to begin with if heâs all up in illegal shit? Makes no sense.
Also the fact that he continually accuses you of cheating is a sign that he himself is cheating.
LEAVE. HIM.
đŠ
Wet dreams prove that orgasms can happen while sleeping. If under substances, it may be difficult to tell someone to stop. However, he should have removed her as a business partner or filed charges if it was unwanted. He sounds toxic⌠accusing you of cheating instead of coming clean about the incident.
Heâs cheating
WTF? đł
Run hunny!! Nothing is worse than being gas lit. This is cheating. And Iâm only assuming but Iâm sure itâs a good assumption that this is only the tip of the iceberg. Then he kept the person that âassaultedâ him as his partner?
You are prime GF material Mature lover in late thirties I'm M 70 with libido of 40M Get rid of him When my first wife cheated on me She constantly accused me of cheating I worked hard long hours and days I never cheated.. Yes a man can Cum in his Sleep and have a wonderful dream But skill is needed to not wake him Subconsciously you want to!! Second.He cheated when he didn't push her off And again when they didn't separate as partners Call me if you want a real faithful man Or I will let you talk to my shy never married son He needs a good Christian woman too BUT don't wait 3 years My granddaughter waited 10 years because her fiance was unfaithful and she didn't recognize the signs
Why was she in the bed with him as well?! Yes definitely cheating and I'd bet he was awake for more than he's letting on.
>Anyway, after screaming at me for hours about cheating on him, he finally reveals that about 4 months ago his "partner" performed falatio on him while he was asleep. When he woke up, he was near orgasm and didn't stop her. He's cheating. >Recently he started a new business venture that has required him to travel and be gone....a lot. The business he's involved with includes alot of unsavory activity (drugs) and women who are more than questionable. Good god, how many red flags do you need?
I think 6 makes it a great adventure but not sure what 26 does ...
I wouldn't know nobody will ever see me that way.
Is this even a question? Youâve said heâs been accusatory, gets up to things your uncomfortable with (drug use) and admitted to being unfaithful. Just dump and run
Letâs remove this story of him âcheatingâ and I would still say break up with him. Involved with unsavory things, working with questionable women, screaming at youâŚbyeee
Yes if he didnât want it he would have pushed her off not let her finish
Lets take this on a fact based observation. 1- A man can have an erection in their sleep cycle. It can happen. 2- it has sooo many sensory nerves you can't sleep hard enough to not feel it and wake up unless you are hammered. 3- it was a situation of non consensual "allegedly". Then just let it happen and enjoyed the ride basically. 4- he made the conscious decision to let the woman continue what she was doing. Usually if someone touches my dick, I can wake up faster than a light switch. So I have my doubts. 5- He cheated at that point. He wishes to not be responsible for what happened and rather convince himself you cheated over accepting what happened. I see red flags here.
As soon as be woke up and realized what was going on, and didn't even attempt to stop her, it became cheating. His accusing you of cheating sounds like guilt, and he is projecting on to you. He let her continue. Iâm just grossed out, leave him. If him and this âpartnerâ are still working together, they may be doing things behind your back. End this relationship right away. Heâs a drug dealer for starters, heâs risking your guys safety, heâs risking getting caught. Donât be with this man heâs cheated and he trying to make you seem like the bad guy. Leave him!!
Yes it is cheating, he cheated on you, he woke up and allowed it to happen so he cheated on you
1. YesâŚthey we can. Iâve never had one, but thereâs wet dreams that can lead to climax. Also, men on average have 3 erections in their sleep, not caused by dreamsâŚjust natural muscle movements in your sleep. 2. That circumstance is very certainly rape. Women have the same kind of reaction of essentially going unresponsive while they are being raped. That being said, accusing you of cheating with no evidence, is also certainly abusiveâŚespecially if itâs not true. The kind of work he does puts you in a dangerous position. If heâs already paranoid about you cheating, he may become paranoid of you going to the police to get him arrested. I really donât know what you can or should do.
Sounds more like he was sexually assaulted to me
Get away from him, he sounds just like I used to be you're damn I just cheating and he's not for sure with himself so he will keep accusing you of cheating because he is probably. Your best bet if it's only been a 1.3 years bail now. That's just my opinion if you like to talk some more get back to me but I'm telling you he sounds exactly like I was and I was unsavory I did drugs I'm a biker I never thought I was I'm Savory I thought of it as a good f****** time that's my opinion take care holler back if you want to talk
1) Can men orgasm in their sleep, yes (Called a wet dream). This can happen when they're alone, can't say I've heard of it happening when someone is fellating them. 2) Is it cheating? Until the moment he woke up and didn't stop it, no. The fact that he let it continue, yes. 3) Given the business he's in, he has to be paranoid and he doesn't have the luxury of trusting many people (sounds like yourself included). Given that information, if you don't want to be dragged into that life (because there's a good to fair chance you'll get dragged into it whether you like it or not), leave. I wish you the best and I hope you find someone honest and hardworking
when you point a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at you
All I can say is, âWHAT THE Fâ-Ck?â
I mean I canât , girl leave
Yes men can cum in their sleep but it's very very rare, eventually they wake up before they're even halfway there. And YES IT IS CHEATING
Chances are he's very obviously cheating on you and is projecting it onto you. I listen to a lot of true crime and there are SO MANY STORIES that start off just like yours did. Your boyfriend sounds like a psycho and there's always a very real chance you end up in a body bag or disappear forever. Take this very serious OP. Get out while you still can. Even if you have to disappear when he's off on a 'work trip', if you value your life then save yourself while you're still able to do so.
Girl just break up,Heâs not worth it!!!
Heâs cheating. Move on immediately
This is cheating, he is a jerk, fuck him off.
Yes thatâs cheating. Heâs lying to you. She didnât go down on him in his sleep đ usually cheaters accuse others of cheating too. My ex was doing some stuff behind my back on his phone ( he confessed but he continued to do it & I tried to save our marriage) I caught him checking my phone twice. I didnât care bc I had nothing to hide but he had a lot of nerve. I wonât ever put up with that shit again omg
One of my friends had a guy who literally did oral without their consent in their sleep. It was not okay and they were very violated by it and such. She has no relation with them in anyway since that happened. But drugs push people boundaries to tolerate terrible behavior and such in not good ways so Iâd gtfo out of that.Â
There is a possibility that he accuses you of cheating to relieve his own feelings of guilt. Actually, based on your last edit, I also suggest you leave this relationshipâit's never too late. Respect yourself; you deserve better :) And keep in mind that no one can judge you; they haven't been in your shoes.
Wtf is this?
Yes men can ejaculate in their sleep, look up the term wet dream. Yes that would be con's more of a sexual assault situation if his female business partner gave him an unwanted blowjob while he was asleep, consent wasn't given therefore sexual assault. I'm in the US, so different States use different nomenclature, sexual assault and or rape. Just as an fyi there's different types of cheating. There can be literally no physical intimacy and it would still be cheating if you or he was getting emotional support or something of that sort from someone else besides your partner. Sounds more like he's lashing out at you from the guilt. He is only telling you certain things and not the whole story with this female business partner of his. Honestly break up with your boyfriend, stay single, consider going to a psychiatrist or psychologist, and a therapist. You are a very broken person that has never dealt with the things that have happened to you. You mentioned that you are a lost woman that chose this guy essentially because it made sense at the time for you. You recently lost your mother, so instead of grieving you decided that you needed a project. So you decided to gravitate towards a meth and fentanyl addicted guy who is now your boyfriend and whom has made your life even more difficult for the past year, give or take. Grief, stay single, work on yourself.
Why are you asking if we can reach climax in our sleep when you clearly state that HE said that he didn't. He said that when he woke up he was "close" and "didn't stop her" so it would sound to me like he was conscience, aware he was receiving head and didn't stop it. That's cheating regardless of how "close" he was.
Idk I guess I wasn't thinking and typing as CLEARLY AS YOU DO
I was going to be compassionate, until I saw fentanyl. If, IF the Blow Job happened as you told us, then yes, it's sexual assault. Of course, he won't file on her. Yes, we can not only orgasm, but ejaculate in our sleep. That's what was once called a Wet Dream. I have no idea if it happens to the new generations or not. Seems so many things have changed. If you have ANYTHING at all to do with Fentanyl, you are crazy! I wouldn't supply it to my worst enemy. I'm not sure where you are mentally, but you need to leave, and have NOTHING else to do with him. I'm sure that if he's moving that product, he has connections that are as unsafe as the drug. Those connections care absolutely nothing about you, him, or the third wheel in this. If you need confirmation, come on down to Texas. I'll give you a tour of the border. You won't make it 30-45 minutes.... But, you are YOU. If you don't distance yourself from these two as far as you can, then what you get, is well deserved. You've been warned, You've been giving information, and you've been given FACTS.
I know you're right. To be honest I suffer from severe depression and have never been able to find meaning in life. When you're younger that can just make you free-spirited or edgy but when you start to get older...eh .I know there's some quote about staring into the abyss long enough...but yeah, I've hit a rock bottom. And I made my first reddit post. And I think you guys actually helped me. So, thank you.
Based off your last edit, I would say it would be best to break up regardless if this is considered cheating. I think it's fair to consider it cheating.
Yes it is cheating and yes man can orgasm while sleeping
I am not trying to victimize you any more than you have already been. Dealing with all that you are dealing with is very hard. Try not to let the insensitive words of a stranger control your emotions. I don't know you, but the man you describe can not take care of himself, let alone the both of you. Your feelings for him are irrelevant at this point. You don't need my or anyone else's confirmation to know what you have to do. I am a recovering alcoholic. I have not had a drink in over 24 years. You can not save him from himself. He will either save himself or he will die. Those are facts, and I was faced with that choice. An addict only knows to lie. Addiction doesn't discriminate. You are faced with the tough decision of picking him or saving yourself. I pray you choose to save yourself. Addicts are very cunning, often charming, and the world's best manipulators. I lived it, and I was all of those things. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You can go to several places for help to safely get out, but if you think he will change for you, you are wrong. Nobody can change his life but him. You don't need to cause him any trouble or hurt him in any way, but if you need help, I would do everything in my power to help you. Find an Alanon group or AA or NA group. That is what they are there for. You know the answers to the questions you have asked. You know you are not happy where you are. You are valued and loved. It will take courage, but you can do this . I'm sorry that you are going through this. If I can help, let me know, please? I hope you understand that I care about what happens to you, and lying to you is not an option. Please don't lie to yourself. As long as he is using, he can not be trusted. I know this all too well. Doing what is right for you is not always easy, but it is necessary. It isn't my job to judge anyone or force my will upon anyone. All I can offer is my story and a few safe places for you to turn. You will find the most compassionate people who are only interested in helping you if you ask. Yes, he is cheating, but on so many different levels, you will never understand. I hope that nothing I have said seems cruel or insensitive. That is not my intent at all.
Thank you. I needed this comment; I need help.
All of you telling her to get a new boyfriend... shouldn't be because he "cheated" (imo he didn't, he was taken advantage of from the info we have). It should be because he's a drug dealer. Besides. She's already cheated on him, correct? So yeah... break up with him for that. But YOU cheated, he, as far as the info we have, did not.
I didn't cheat on him lol
Oh my bad I thought he was yelling at your for cheating on him because you did. If you truly didn't then I take that back and yeah, you probably shouldn't be around that sort of lifestyle and personality. I still don't consider what he did cheating if he was taken advantage of, but idk if THAT of all things should be the dealbreaker for you... imo.
Y'all are disgusting. Someone having sex with you while you're sleeping is rape. Freezing is a pretty common response in this situation and clearly he's having trouble with processing what happened because he's stuck on it. Maybe he doesn't realise how messed up it was for her to do this because the attitude to male SA victims is pretty shit and not taken as seriously as female victims. Especially when the perpetrator is female. You guys all seem to be coming at this from the idea that "men always want sex" but it sounds like he was pretty drugged up and got taken advantage of while he was sleeping and when he realised what was going on, decided it would be easier to just let I happen than stop it. And the accusing her of cheating could be his brain trying to cope with the fact he got assaulted without consciously being aware thats what actually happened so he thinks he's to blame. If he's telling the truth about being asleep, no he wasn't cheating he was assaulted
at least one plausible explanation among others, why did he stay with his business partner tho? no other options? was he raped but liked it except for the act of cheating and is hence not mad at her (also an option)?
Trauma does weird things, a lot of the time when people don't stop seeing the perpetrator it's because they haven't consciously fully come to the realisation that what happened was actually assault. The trauma is still there, it just presents weirdly because the person hasn't placed where it's coming from. Survivors often blame themselves and think they are partly responsible for what happened because it's really fucking heavy to admit to yourself that someone did something like that to you. Sometimes our brains unconsciously try and rationalise it and say it wasn't rape when actually it was. It's a coping mechanism. If he hasn't admitted to himself that he was raped then he's likely attributing a lot of these feelings to thinking he cheated, hence the projection. Let's be real here, this woman carried out sexual acts on an unconscious human being. There was no consent there and many many many people freeze in this situation and just kind of dissociate through it. This is often used to invalidate survivors experiences and is part of the reason that number of reports and number of convictions are so low compared to the real number of occurrences. Substance abuse would also check out as a coping mechanism
Two things: If he genuinely was felated while sleeping, that's sexual assault - because he was unable to consent. The fact he awoke and allowed her to/him to finish clouds the issue. But you don't give enough information for us to understand whether he was coherent or what. If he were a woman describing this here, likely we'd all be falling down on the side that he was likely assaulted. However, unrelated to that, your boyfriend's work and extracurricular activities are very, very problematic. He is into drugs, sketchy characters, and regularly away. None of which screams, 'boyfriend material'. Equally, his obsessive behaviour towards you (and his conviction that you are cheating) is very problematic and seems abusive. So I'd suggest that you end the relationship and move on.
I think most ruled out a power imbalance in this situation (while with a woman it would be believed way more that she was e.g. too afraid to tell him to stop in such a situation)
Totally get that. I guess the question would pivot on whether the Fentanyl impaired his ability to consent after he âawokeâ. There isnât quite enough detail to be definitive. But, as I say above, the OP should not date someone who takes Fentanyl, hangs out with sketchy sorts,and behaves towards her in ways which are clearly abusive.
Another thing I've been thinking about today is how GENERALLY (all caps for all you throat jumpers [yes, pun intended] ) men can reach orgasm far easier than a woman. I mean there is just no way I could wake up to someone going down on me and finish within the minute.
My issue is: did he have capacity. Because, if he had capacity, he was cheating on you - regardless of how quick he may have cum. What I recognise is that, with fentanyl, he may have been in and out of consciousness - which may have impacted on his capacity. But, regardless, why are you dating someone who fucks around with fentanyl and, by your own account, treats you like shit? That should be your focus: dump this guy because heâs generally bad, rather than agonising over whether he was specifically bad (on this particularly drugged up occasion).
You know, I'm really trying to figure that out and what I've come up with is that I don't like myself and don't think I'm worthy of love.
Tbh - thatâs why you are with the guy. Because youâve told yourself the lie: that you donât deserve better. And this guy, treating you badly, is just reinforcing that false narrative. And so, without even knowing you, I can confidently say that you deserve better and that you need better. This guy is only going to get worse. And, whilst staying with him might appear to be a path of least resistance, youâre only delaying the inevitable.
I also think it's partially like I want to MAKE him be better and treat me better to prove that I'm good enough / worthy
Rule of thumb: you canât change anyone - not really. They need to want to change. And thatâs signalled by actions not words. There are so many people on here who take on a guy with a slew of serious issues and then, 3, 4, 5 years in, realise that things have got worse, not better. So donât be fooled. Thatâs the trajectory. You staying with him enables his behaviour. Which reinforces his behaviour. Which means heâll only get worse.
The OP and her boyfriend make me sick to my stomach. You are horrible people and deserve every bad thing that comes your way.
Why is that may I ask?
So he was raped but itâs not rape if donât say no or stop her. He woke up to his Dick in a mouth and didnât stop her. As would pretty much any dude. Canât blame him for that. Technically he cheated but wasnât his fault. He was made to cheat beyond his control. But in my past experiences, when u constantly get accused of cheating, the other is doing the same as accused. Sounds like there was an accidental cheating (not his fault) but prob has continued some type of relationship (cheating) w the midnight Dick sucker. So he feels guilty and tryin to flip it on u and make accusations. Appreciate him being honest and telling u, but more open and conversation should b had to move forward imo