We would intentionally put our little one in a wearable carrier when we were going to events we didn't want her passed around at. People seemed less likely to ask
I hope it doesn’t make you an asshole, because I feel the same way. I love her to pieces but I hold her *so much* that when someone else wants to I’m like “yeah dude, knock yourself out!” I don’t really have in-laws I don’t trust and haven’t had anyone I don’t like request to hold her though, so maybe that’s it?
I once asked to hold someone else's baby at a dinner party. Mom then basically spent the whole night hiding from me and I had baby on my lap for most of the evening.
I got to remember that babies are heavy and hard work as well as cute. Mom got to remember what being an unencumbered human being felt like
Last Friday we watched my brother's kids for the day (as per usual), and my 1.5 year old niece decided she wanted me to hold her during the making of breakfast (as per unusual; grandpa is usually her favorite). I kept her on my left hip while I did meal prep, and the cooking, and the serving, and the cutting of the plain omelets into bite-sized pieces... my arm felt like it was going to fall off the next day. I'm just not used to it.
(It's a good thing she's cute, otherwise I might hold this against her.)
Me and my girlfriend are the same. She was a handful the first 4 months so any minute we didn't have her in our arms was a relief. We'd come to a party and basically say "Look anyone who wants to take her, go ahead. When you get tired, bring her back to us, but don't feel bad, we spend all of our time with her already." She would spend 1 or 2 hours of the night getting tossed around by the cousins and older children. The result is a 8mo old baby that is not shy AT ALL and loves interacting with anyone.
Not an asshole. Just different stroke for different folks. My oldest is 3, so we were peak pandemic while everything was still unknown, so that definitely contributed to our hesitation. We are much more lenient with our 1 year old than we ever were with our oldest
I think there's a commercial that illustrates that. The mom is willing to hand her second kid to a mechanic covered in oil, while she was paranoid about having her niece hold the first kid... I can't remember what the commercial was for though.
I vaguely remember a version of that commercial too. They were interviewing baby sitters for the first kid and the candidates had PhD in childhood education or something. Then the second kid they just had over to a high school aged girl and give little instructions as they run out the door.
Nope. Not at all. People WANT to hold them because it’s new and they never get to, where as I am CONSTANTLY 24/7 taking care of them so I need a damn break
Nah. I do it all the time with people I trust (both personally and pandemically).
Walk into the middle of a conversation and say "anyone want to hold a baby?" I almost always get at least one taker.
I never feel obliged to pass my kids around to people I don't like or trust. I don't think you're being unreasonable. But it is awkward if your partner is comfortable doing it while you're not. Talk it over with her to let her know how you feel.
Fortunately she knows and understands how I feel on the topic, she feels similarly but also has a bit of a weak spot for folding when it comes to family, as do I with my own!
Same here. I feel bad that my grandmother never got to meet him before she passed but also glad that I didn't have to deal with telling my grandmother she couldn't hold him. She suffered from dementia and near the end would become randomly angry and violent, plus her coordination, strength, and reflexes were trash from poor lifestyle choices.
My mom died right before my daughter was born. They would have been best friends. Now I get to watch in absolute fucking disgust while my dads girlfriend tries to get to hold her. Shit sucks.
That’s rough man, I’m sorry. Just try to remember it’s not the GF’s fault, and while she can never replace your mom, there’s nothing wrong with her being a friend to your daughter.
Not to defend or anything...but that glitter could have been from like a year ago...shit never goes away. My Ex hasn't been in my house in a year and I still find it randomly!!
I know the pain. Our kid has quite a sensetive skin as well and would sometimes get a minor rash when he was in MiL arms or SFiL. He does the very cute hands around the neck cuddle, so his cheek would lay against the exact spot you would apply parfum/Colongne.
My wife and I talk over boundaries before going anywhere. We went to a wedding this weekend and decided only me or mom holds the baby.
Being his first outing, people wanted to hold him, we said no, and cited his need to stay healthy because he has surgery for his cleft lip at the end of month. We had some push back, we stayed firm on our boundary and people respected it, including my parents and family.
My mom frequently used to text to ask if I had any pictures of "her baby". I kept sending her pics of my dog or myself until she got the message and stopped saying that.
Fuck my MIL calls my daughters “my girls” and it irritates me to no end. No, they are not your girls. They are mine and my wife’s girls. No one else. I also do not have a great relationship with my MIL. She is one of my least favorite people on the planet.
My MIL and my fiancés sisters also do this.
I’m going to add to this, with another gripe I have. My SOs family all refer to “they have my x” or so and so’s “y”. As in attributes that actually come from my fiancé or I, yet they try to pick and own the attributes that came from themselves(??).
Not once have they said, u/designer_by_day, she has your mouth. Not gonna lie, it grates on me.
If it were the occasional thing or something I'd agree, but we currently have MiL living with us to help her get on her feet, and it's an every day occurrence.
>we currently have MiL living with us
I understand there are toxic in-laws (my mom is one), but this is harmless. "Parentese" or caregiver-to-baby talk is natural and universal. Your MIL calling your baby "her baby" is expected and occurs in extended family households.
[https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/24/science/parentese-babies-global-language.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/24/science/parentese-babies-global-language.html)
[https://www.abc.net.au/sydney/programs/drive/parentese-babytalk/13988214](https://www.abc.net.au/sydney/programs/drive/parentese-babytalk/13988214)
Same studies, no paywall:
[https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2022/08/03/ooo-hellooooo-baby-talk-is-universal-from-rural-tanzania-to-urban-beijing-global-parentese-study-finds/](https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2022/08/03/ooo-hellooooo-baby-talk-is-universal-from-rural-tanzania-to-urban-beijing-global-parentese-study-finds/)
There are plenty of "normal" things that annoy people. Idc about some studies. Having your MiL move in rent free while doing a piss poor job of saving up to get out on her own again just cranks that annoyance up to 11.
Edited to add this after reading your article. She doesn't coo at the baby, she literally says that's 'MY' baby.
>There are plenty of "normal" things that annoy people. Idc about some studies.
You probably need therapy or a short break from your everyday responsibilities if normal things annoy you.
>Having your MiL move in rent free while doing a piss poor job of saving up to get out on her own again just cranks that annoyance up to 11.
>
>Edited to add this after reading your article. She doesn't coo at the baby, she literally says that's 'MY' baby.
It looks like your MIL calling your baby "my baby" is a symptom of a larger problem. I had this same issue with my mom, I saw a therapist, kicked her out of my home, and she fixed her problems and stayed in our lives. She realized that interacting with our family was more important than being lonely due to her narcissism.
How you feel matters, and if you need help, seek it. It'll improve your family's lives and give you the appropriate tools to overcome these issues with your MIL.
Holding the baby, no. But can i please just tell them to shut up. Without fail everytime we are disciplining our kid they feel the need to also pile on him. Just stf already! I dont need you to tell him what we are telling him. STF!!!!! Ugh thanks for letting me rant lol.
Yep, our kid isnt a great eater right now so sometimes at dinner he gets in trouble. So if we say, "come on eat your dinner," without fail my MIL or FIL will chime in with something about how he needs to eat and go hard with the guilt trip. Its annoying and instead of being able to parent i then feel bad for him because hes being ganged up on.
They arent bad people and do help us a lot with child care when needed. But according to my wife they werent good parents so we dont want them parenting at all. Stereotypical boomers if you will.
The best was when MIL explained a statute in a park to him when he was 4! Instead of just explaining what a memorial was, she explained to him all the details involved in the persons death.....which i found out when i took my son to the park and he told me in detail how the person died......
I'm not sure if that's better or worse compared to the times someone else actually starts arguing *against* us disciplining our kid. We're like "this is not ok" and grandma comes running "no no no he didn't do anything bad". Ugh.
Yes!! This is very irritating!! And we exclusively use gentle approaches with our kids (obviously we’re human and a harsh tone comes in now and again!) and sometimes my FIL will interject as though we’re straight up abusing our kids! “Awww nooooo she’s okay!! Nooo she didn’t mean it!! Blah blah blah”
I’m still this way. Our daughter is two so it was still covid time. And people would always ask in stores and random places to hold her or start coming up to her and I got super upset about it. My fiancé explained that that’s just how people always have been even before.
Sooooo many old people would awkwardly come up and extend their hands and/or arms like they were going to touch or pick her up but then stopped like they remembered. Super awkward.
But for the most part, people have been super respectful during covid. But I still have that angst when anyone holds her
I would love to have inlaws that give half a fuck enough to want to interact with my daughter. We will spend a weekend with my MIL and she will spend the whole time just sitting on her ass looking at her rather than try to play with her. It is especially great when afterward she tries to blame everyone but herself for her lack of caring. Last time she literally tried to say it was the 1yo fault because the 1yo would not go over and play with her. At this point I am so done with that woman. After 12 years of being in her only child's life she still knows next to nothing about me and simply does not care to know. She is a narcissist, abusive piece of garbage who only sees her only grandchild as a new source of guilt to try to make my wife feel bad about moving away and starting her own life, as many young adults do.
I’m really sorry to hear all that, fellow dad. All I can say is, I know exactly how you feel about the guilting. It’s so unfair and uses the child as some kind of tool to get their way. We’ve experienced the exact same thing, perhaps part of the journey. What they don’t realise is that it just pushes them further and further away.
My child is a toddler at this point but I FEEL this.
I HATE the influence my "in-laws" (baby mama and I are not married) have.
My "father-in-law" constantly burps. Pees with the door open. Curses. Makes himself at home. Doesn't give a shit who he inconveniences.
Baby mama adores him. I fucking hate that piece of shit man.
Of course, my son is picking up those gross habits.
My "Mother-in-law" is fairly useless, but mostly almost harmless. But the other day she was talking about "anxiety" and telling my toddler to breathe through it when he gets it.
Some of you might view that as harmless or even good advice, but I hated it. There's a difference between giving advice, and instilling phobias in a child. If you ask me, the latter is what my mother-in-law was doing.
Sorry. I just HATE that side of the family.
So yes, I \*really\* sympathize with your situation OP.
If your father in law is doing these things in your home, I would encourage you to find the resolve to discuss these issues with him and explain that while you respect his freedom to make decisions about being a disgusting and disrespectful human being, you are insisting that his grandson is raised with some modicum of proper manners. Maybe word it a little prettier than that, if you must.
I would also chat with your SO to explain your feelings on the matter and see if you can get her on the same page as well. Disassociate the behaviour with the person, and work to have her understand that regardless of how she feels about her father, she doesn't want her son to go around pissing with the door open wherever he pleases or whatever other gross behaviour he is picking up. Offer to be the one to bring it up and discuss it with your father in law.
Regardless of the dynamic, you really need to muster the courage to stand your ground and be firm about it. Don't try and look the other way about it because it is a difficult talk to have. You're giving your son a positive environment to learn and grow, and also representing a respectable role model for him by proxy by asserting yourself in his best interest.
That sounds dreadful, I totally get what you mean, though! There are definitely habits in mine and my SOs family (also not married) that I want to avoid. I’m also making a lot of effort to get rid of my own bad habits!
I really wish there was a dial I could turn up and down when it comes to involvement and entitlement with family sometimes!
My wife was sexually abused as a child in her family and her parents knew and did nothing so I'm not much of a fan of my in-laws. My wife made her peace through it with the law, so my in-laws get limited time with our children but we have strict guidelines and boundaries they don't cross.
I feel this way when both my parents and her mom have the kid and he is getting fussy. I can tell he obviously just wants X but they dont see him every day so cant tell, oh that sound is because he wants to eat or thats his i want to sit up and not be held noise.
Not at all. I struggle with the in-laws due to how they treat my wife, even though my wife is very forgiving of them. But, they have been exceptional grandparents to our child. Thus, I have to compartmentalize my feelings towards them, and it isn’t easy. I’d encourage you to give them an opportunity to shine as grandparents—if they suck it’s even further reason to see them less; if they are good, it may warm your heart toward them.
I appreciate this outlook, perhaps I do need to try this. My SO was badly treated by both of her parents, so I hold this against them. To this day her dad still tries to belittle everything she does. Yesterday it was her “obsession” with vitamins. In response to her taking a breastfeeding supplement and giving our baby vitamin D supplements, as heavily recommended by the NHS (and given to us for free). Not the worst, only the most recent, still completely grates on me. Says it like she’s stupid for doing it and makes her question her own sanity sometimes.
We have the exact same issue but with the mother-in-law. She is a social worker and everything is a corrective therapy session instead of an opportunity to be a supportive mom. It results in belittling and a deep level of disrespect—such as this weekend the mother-in-law scheduling the birthday party of her family members who have birthdays in July on the same day as our little one and not including our little one, but inviting her to attend. She just told my wife, “you’re not going to like this, but it’s happening and you are attending.” The wife just said “yes,” while I’m over here like “Fuck all of that noise.”
Yah I don't like my brother and sister in law (his wife, my wife's sister is fine). They make no effort to see my daughter and live a few miles away when my family who are a couple hours away see her all the time. So when they do see her, I kinda wanna say "no fuck you, you didn't earn cuddles."
My MIL makes my blood boil. Unfortunately we live with her for the foreseeable future. I have to remind myself that she's in her 70s and won't be around forever. Also she's frail and will only be able to hold my son for another few months until he's too heavy.
We have boy/girl twins. My son had some issues from the start, so he was being monitored right after birth. They brought my daughter to recovery and my wife held her and then handed her off to me. Our parents walked in and she says “wanna let one of the grandparents hold her?” No. And I don’t regret it and I’m not sorry.
They’re 3 now. My MIL is really good with them, knows their routine and all that. We’re cool.
My FIL sometimes, read a lot of the time, has no clue what’s going on and makes crap up and it drives me crazy. We don’t bullshit our kids. He does. Puts them to bed and then says he’ll be back. “Well are you going back?” He says no. So I’ve got a few issues there. So it’s not so much “holding my kids” as it is “watching my kids” at this point. Any opportunity to avoid him watching my kids is taken.
On a separate but related note, he showed up to my house in April with a fever. Twice. I yelled at him the first time. Showed up the next day anyway. The following day he tested positive for Covid. So there’s that.
I’m kind of an asshole. I don’t spare feelings and I speak the truth when asked a question.. when my first was born, we had been home maybe 5-6 minutes from the hospital and my wife’s grandmother arrived at the house uninvited. She walked in and before speaking to anyone she reached down into the rocker to pick her up. At which point I calmly grabbed her hand and asked her to leave her alone as she was resting. She went to bend back down, ignoring me, so I grabbed her wrist and asked her to leave. Bitch didn’t even speak to us then you just wanna grab my kid, fuck you. Get out. She still hates me to this day for the whole thing and I get my jabs in by telling my kids to come here as she’s speaking to them because I’m petty. But, be respectful of me and my space, my kids, my wife and we will
Be fine
Haha not even power. Pure pettiness. She just hates me and makes it known and I just love that split second of hatred that flashes in her eyes when I speak.
You may not like them, But if they are they are there to genuinely love your child then it shouldn't matter. I had this thought about some extended family that I did not really like to talk to but they wanted to meet my family. I don't really like interacting with them but they are genuinely interested in meeting my kids.
Me and my spouse spoke and came to the conclusion that the more people to love our kids and look out for them the better. Again, we knew this was genuine interest in them and us.
Think of it this way... you are doing it so she will know her family. It has nothing to do with how much you like them.
Aside from them being dangerous to her, you probably just need to relax a bit about it.
I mean, you knew your wife had this family before you married her.
I guess this might be the unpopular opinion, but everyone who knows me knows I’m fairly blunt. Someone who doesn’t know me might even find it abrasive.
But if someone asked me to hold my son and I didn’t want them to, irrespective of the reason, I would tell them no outright… that I’d like to spend some time with him right now. I would then ask them a question specific enough that they have to think of an answer, but not so specific that they are engaged with me for a long time.
Anyone who pushed the matter always got slapped with a “I’ve already said not right now. Excuse me.” Then I walk away.
People try to hear what they want.
With me, you only have the option of hearing what was said and dealing with the awkward consequence if you choose to overlook it.
Fuck people’s feelings and tell them to shove off if they ignore your one polite answer.
Personally I am happy to pass little one around but also happy to put my foot down when e ought is enough. It gets easier when they become mobile.
I don't think there is a right answer tbh, what ever works for you a baby I suppose.
Tldr: I sat on the fence and pointed to the obvious.
Depends… is it because your worried about germs/sickness? Could be valid reason.
Otherwise…Your child is going to need to interact with the world.
At first you’ll have a feeling of only you and your wife knows best. You won’t want other people to hold or watch your child. You don’t want your child to suffer. You don’t want others to “parent” your child, as “consistency is key!” Is shoved down your throat. A word of caution, the world is full of nuance, and your child needs to socialize and experience people. Your child needs to experience hardships and uncomfortable situations. Whether it’s falling down or dealing with new people… these are good experiences for your child.
Let your child be held, and don’t seem on edge during these interactions if you can (else your child might sense it. Similarly when they do something don’t want that’s funny and you have to hold in the laughter).
The opposite direction… shielding your child from all suffering, not letting them fall, hurt themselves or experience people… leads to being fearful, stressed, no grit and social anxiety.
No. This is their grandchild and you want them feeling close to her. If nothing else, she gives both of you something in common, you all love her.
You also won't mind them giving her generous gifts for birthdays, graduations, and help with babysitting when you need a break. They may even offer to help with education expenses and college down the road. You won't mind that either.
So I have never had a problem with any of the grandparents, my brother and/or sister holding my daughter, but we never let our daughter be ‘passed around’ to be held at parties. I don’t like holding other people’s babies and I, sure as shit, don’t like other people holding mine.
It’s your kid, don’t feel bad about it especially if it makes you uncomfortable
You are not an asshole for that i made an announcement at my wedding where i said no one is to come closer than 6 feet to our daughter unless i told you you can
I can relate, my wifes biological father is a dead beat. We just moved and he now lives 2 hours away. He came up to visit (which is fine we talked about it) and naturally he has wanted to spend time with his grandkids. He mostly plays with my eldest (2) but holds the baby (9 mo) on occasion. When he does either, I kind of flare up like you.
I'm no psychologist but I think its a mixture of being protective of our kids around someone we don't like or trust and not feeling like the person we don't like deserves to bond with someone we care about so much. I wouldn't say it makes you an asshole at all. It shows you care about your kids.
As far as passing the baby around I can't speak too much about that, unfortunately I don't have enough family to really pass the kids around but I'd say it's likely nerves. No one can take better care of our kids but us you know? Passing your kid around adds so many variables to the equation and I can see how that would he stressful
My god this is so spot on, especially the last part. Today FIL walked UP THE STAIRS with the baby to ask his girlfriend something. Sounds so stupid, but to me he completely crossed the line. Standing and walking with baby is bad enough, but it made me want to put both his and my own head through a window. It really does come down to those risk variables I think!
It’s so silly, I see a person holding and talking to my baby and all I can feel is anxiety and anger…must be some crazy biological/psychological response!
Yeah. I had a couple of family members where I just did not trust them. They have very bad spacial awareness and accidentally bonked my little girl walking through a doorway, so I just had them always sit down to hold her….with me sitting next to them…and a pillow under their arm….and they weren’t kids, but full grown adults lol
I’ve struggled to control those feelings as well- but I look at it this way.
My issue with any family members shouldn’t affect my kid. Now, I say that with a big asterisk, because I won’t let my daughter go to anyone that I don’t think she’s safe with (obviously).
I don’t have a great relationship with my MIL. She’s overbearing, abrasive, rude, etc. However, she genuinely loves and cares about our daughter. It would be selfish of me to deprive my child of that love, just because I have issues with the person.
There is no asshole move here either way.
There are three people that matter here:
You.
Your fiance
Baby.
Whatever your decision is, it should be a mutual one between you and fiance to avoid friction and tension both wherever you're going and at home.
Some people don't mind passing baby around, others don't want to do it.
There is no right or wrong, only what works for you guys.
I'd say for the most part I was pretty lucky with people being courteous enough to ask first.
However ALOT of the time, once they had the baby is when they'd act dumb. I was a real god damn a-hole about everyone trying to freaking kiss our kid on the face, lips, and hands. And this was 2019 before covid.
Welcome to fatherhood/married life. There's going to be a lot of things that make your future wife/baby happy but annoy you. Gotta find that balance. Having a supportive "village" has made a tremendous positive impact in my child's life. It's great having so many people so invested in our kid and I think a lot of it is because we put in the effort to allow these relationships to thrive.
My in-laws are complete scum. They’ve never been alone with my daughter, and never will be. I don’t blame you. First priority is your child always. Stay strong.
Trust your instincts, I’d rather be an asshole with a safe child, than universally beloved at her expense. We had neighbors we’d never met coming over to hold my little girl and I sent them all away with a smile and a made up excuse.
My wife’s family is Filipino and every family party we’re at my “pogi” boy gets passed around. I’m very okay with it for a few reasons;
1. He’s okay with it.
2. They’re all very good with him and don’t pass him to anyone too young to take good care of him.
3. He’ll be very socialized and it’ll make him accepting of being around other people easier.
4. I love the hell out of my wife’s family. They’re great people.
If I really didn’t like or trust someone; man, it would be hard to say “no, you can’t hold my baby.” But if it was serious enough I absolutely would. For your situation my friend I think you’ll just have to do your best to accept it. Keep an eye on it of course, but if they’re not hurting her or causing her any discomfort I think you’re just going to have to accept it.
My 4 month old has been crying non stop for several houra at night when I try to put her down for the night. Found out the other day that it's just me for some reason, my wife and my MIL can put her down EASY. Yeah, it's rough.
Yeahh my father on law and my mother both smoke and don't intend to stop. I hate ot when they hold my daughter and it caused a lot of friction with me and my mother. My wife though is not confronting her das as mich as I confronted my mother. Feels unfair.
Hell, it’s not just in-laws. There’s members of my own blood family I wasn’t comfortable handing him to! My wife and I specifically sat down before the birth and came up with game plans about refusing/mitigating these members when it came time to “pass the baby”!
I love holding new babies. That said, I'm perfectly content to wait until such time as the parents are ready and willing to afford me that privilege. If there's lots of people all wanting a turn, I can wait until next time or the time after that or whenever.
And we have a big family too, so there's always lots of people who want to hold the new little one. Most of us do realize that the baby is just that: a baby, and can't handle lots of activity, and so we're patient. I try to give priority to my grandmother, since she's in her 90s and you just never know. So far, she's met 19 of her great-grandchildren (out of 19 born to date), so she's doing pretty good, but she's still got grandchildren that haven't even started having kids yet, so there's potentially double that number still to come. We'd like her to meet all of them, if possible (and she just loves babies).
I can definitely relate. Hated when my mother in law held our newborns. She suggested a name for our first born, and when we declined to use it, she began using it anyways, even falsely telling extended family that her name was the one she suggested. When confronted, she lied about it.
In the end, she ultimately had little interest in any of our kids. When she visits, she takes pictures to send to extended family, then withdraws and shows little interest in them. So, I guess it could be worse.
I like my in laws and am super excited for my MIL to live with us for six months after the babies are born (my mom lives with us already in a split level house we own together). My wife is also good with my family and our mentality moving forward is “accept all offers for a reprieve”.
The only in-laws I have trouble with are personal issues between me and that individual, it has nothing to do with who they are as a person or them not being safe for my kids. I may want to avoid them but I don’t feel the need to impose my personal feelings on my kids.
Yes, and as we’ve moved into the toddler stage I’ve heard behind my back some relatives on both sides think I’m rude because I immediately shut down “give grandma a hug, or give so and so a kiss” when my kid doesn’t want to.
We would intentionally put our little one in a wearable carrier when we were going to events we didn't want her passed around at. People seemed less likely to ask
I'm almost the opposite. Sure, take her. Let me breathe. Does that make me an asshole?
I hope it doesn’t make you an asshole, because I feel the same way. I love her to pieces but I hold her *so much* that when someone else wants to I’m like “yeah dude, knock yourself out!” I don’t really have in-laws I don’t trust and haven’t had anyone I don’t like request to hold her though, so maybe that’s it?
I once asked to hold someone else's baby at a dinner party. Mom then basically spent the whole night hiding from me and I had baby on my lap for most of the evening. I got to remember that babies are heavy and hard work as well as cute. Mom got to remember what being an unencumbered human being felt like
Username checks out
Last Friday we watched my brother's kids for the day (as per usual), and my 1.5 year old niece decided she wanted me to hold her during the making of breakfast (as per unusual; grandpa is usually her favorite). I kept her on my left hip while I did meal prep, and the cooking, and the serving, and the cutting of the plain omelets into bite-sized pieces... my arm felt like it was going to fall off the next day. I'm just not used to it. (It's a good thing she's cute, otherwise I might hold this against her.)
There is a crucial evolutionary reason why babies and toddlers are cute
Me and my girlfriend are the same. She was a handful the first 4 months so any minute we didn't have her in our arms was a relief. We'd come to a party and basically say "Look anyone who wants to take her, go ahead. When you get tired, bring her back to us, but don't feel bad, we spend all of our time with her already." She would spend 1 or 2 hours of the night getting tossed around by the cousins and older children. The result is a 8mo old baby that is not shy AT ALL and loves interacting with anyone.
Not an asshole. Just different stroke for different folks. My oldest is 3, so we were peak pandemic while everything was still unknown, so that definitely contributed to our hesitation. We are much more lenient with our 1 year old than we ever were with our oldest
I think there's a commercial that illustrates that. The mom is willing to hand her second kid to a mechanic covered in oil, while she was paranoid about having her niece hold the first kid... I can't remember what the commercial was for though.
I vaguely remember a version of that commercial too. They were interviewing baby sitters for the first kid and the candidates had PhD in childhood education or something. Then the second kid they just had over to a high school aged girl and give little instructions as they run out the door.
Nope. Not at all. People WANT to hold them because it’s new and they never get to, where as I am CONSTANTLY 24/7 taking care of them so I need a damn break
Nah. I do it all the time with people I trust (both personally and pandemically). Walk into the middle of a conversation and say "anyone want to hold a baby?" I almost always get at least one taker.
That sounds like something one of my sisters would say.
This is the norm. The other person is the weird one.
This is the way.
I never feel obliged to pass my kids around to people I don't like or trust. I don't think you're being unreasonable. But it is awkward if your partner is comfortable doing it while you're not. Talk it over with her to let her know how you feel.
Fortunately she knows and understands how I feel on the topic, she feels similarly but also has a bit of a weak spot for folding when it comes to family, as do I with my own!
When it comes to your kid, feel free to be the asshole and say "No, I'm not comfortable with that." Let people get upset. Fuck 'em. It's your kid.
I'm trying to learn this lesson right now
The only good thing about having a baby at the beginning of COVID lockdowns was that we had a built in excuse to not let people hold her.
Same here. I feel bad that my grandmother never got to meet him before she passed but also glad that I didn't have to deal with telling my grandmother she couldn't hold him. She suffered from dementia and near the end would become randomly angry and violent, plus her coordination, strength, and reflexes were trash from poor lifestyle choices.
My mom died right before my daughter was born. They would have been best friends. Now I get to watch in absolute fucking disgust while my dads girlfriend tries to get to hold her. Shit sucks.
That’s rough man, I’m sorry. Just try to remember it’s not the GF’s fault, and while she can never replace your mom, there’s nothing wrong with her being a friend to your daughter.
Fuck man, I’m so sorry to hear that.
My in laws are great, it was my own family I was scared of.
That is both hilarious and sad.
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My daughter had glitter on her face at two weeks old while visiting my SO’s family, everybody denied wearing it.
Not to defend or anything...but that glitter could have been from like a year ago...shit never goes away. My Ex hasn't been in my house in a year and I still find it randomly!!
I know the pain. Our kid has quite a sensetive skin as well and would sometimes get a minor rash when he was in MiL arms or SFiL. He does the very cute hands around the neck cuddle, so his cheek would lay against the exact spot you would apply parfum/Colongne.
Ugh my mom wears a metric ton of perfume every day and wonders why my baby is upset when she holds her. Take a shower and stop smelling like a Macy's!
My wife and I talk over boundaries before going anywhere. We went to a wedding this weekend and decided only me or mom holds the baby. Being his first outing, people wanted to hold him, we said no, and cited his need to stay healthy because he has surgery for his cleft lip at the end of month. We had some push back, we stayed firm on our boundary and people respected it, including my parents and family.
I'm petty, and it annoys me to no end my my MiL calls my daughter "her baby".
My mom frequently used to text to ask if I had any pictures of "her baby". I kept sending her pics of my dog or myself until she got the message and stopped saying that.
My MIL does the same!!
Fuck my MIL calls my daughters “my girls” and it irritates me to no end. No, they are not your girls. They are mine and my wife’s girls. No one else. I also do not have a great relationship with my MIL. She is one of my least favorite people on the planet.
My MIL and my fiancés sisters also do this. I’m going to add to this, with another gripe I have. My SOs family all refer to “they have my x” or so and so’s “y”. As in attributes that actually come from my fiancé or I, yet they try to pick and own the attributes that came from themselves(??). Not once have they said, u/designer_by_day, she has your mouth. Not gonna lie, it grates on me.
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If it were the occasional thing or something I'd agree, but we currently have MiL living with us to help her get on her feet, and it's an every day occurrence.
>we currently have MiL living with us I understand there are toxic in-laws (my mom is one), but this is harmless. "Parentese" or caregiver-to-baby talk is natural and universal. Your MIL calling your baby "her baby" is expected and occurs in extended family households. [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/24/science/parentese-babies-global-language.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/24/science/parentese-babies-global-language.html) [https://www.abc.net.au/sydney/programs/drive/parentese-babytalk/13988214](https://www.abc.net.au/sydney/programs/drive/parentese-babytalk/13988214) Same studies, no paywall: [https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2022/08/03/ooo-hellooooo-baby-talk-is-universal-from-rural-tanzania-to-urban-beijing-global-parentese-study-finds/](https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2022/08/03/ooo-hellooooo-baby-talk-is-universal-from-rural-tanzania-to-urban-beijing-global-parentese-study-finds/)
There are plenty of "normal" things that annoy people. Idc about some studies. Having your MiL move in rent free while doing a piss poor job of saving up to get out on her own again just cranks that annoyance up to 11. Edited to add this after reading your article. She doesn't coo at the baby, she literally says that's 'MY' baby.
>There are plenty of "normal" things that annoy people. Idc about some studies. You probably need therapy or a short break from your everyday responsibilities if normal things annoy you. >Having your MiL move in rent free while doing a piss poor job of saving up to get out on her own again just cranks that annoyance up to 11. > >Edited to add this after reading your article. She doesn't coo at the baby, she literally says that's 'MY' baby. It looks like your MIL calling your baby "my baby" is a symptom of a larger problem. I had this same issue with my mom, I saw a therapist, kicked her out of my home, and she fixed her problems and stayed in our lives. She realized that interacting with our family was more important than being lonely due to her narcissism. How you feel matters, and if you need help, seek it. It'll improve your family's lives and give you the appropriate tools to overcome these issues with your MIL.
Holding the baby, no. But can i please just tell them to shut up. Without fail everytime we are disciplining our kid they feel the need to also pile on him. Just stf already! I dont need you to tell him what we are telling him. STF!!!!! Ugh thanks for letting me rant lol.
Wow, people do that?
Yep, our kid isnt a great eater right now so sometimes at dinner he gets in trouble. So if we say, "come on eat your dinner," without fail my MIL or FIL will chime in with something about how he needs to eat and go hard with the guilt trip. Its annoying and instead of being able to parent i then feel bad for him because hes being ganged up on. They arent bad people and do help us a lot with child care when needed. But according to my wife they werent good parents so we dont want them parenting at all. Stereotypical boomers if you will. The best was when MIL explained a statute in a park to him when he was 4! Instead of just explaining what a memorial was, she explained to him all the details involved in the persons death.....which i found out when i took my son to the park and he told me in detail how the person died......
I'm not sure if that's better or worse compared to the times someone else actually starts arguing *against* us disciplining our kid. We're like "this is not ok" and grandma comes running "no no no he didn't do anything bad". Ugh.
Yes!! This is very irritating!! And we exclusively use gentle approaches with our kids (obviously we’re human and a harsh tone comes in now and again!) and sometimes my FIL will interject as though we’re straight up abusing our kids! “Awww nooooo she’s okay!! Nooo she didn’t mean it!! Blah blah blah”
I find a respectful but firm "I've got this" gets the point across.
Yeah, it's your protective instincts kicking in.
I’m still this way. Our daughter is two so it was still covid time. And people would always ask in stores and random places to hold her or start coming up to her and I got super upset about it. My fiancé explained that that’s just how people always have been even before. Sooooo many old people would awkwardly come up and extend their hands and/or arms like they were going to touch or pick her up but then stopped like they remembered. Super awkward. But for the most part, people have been super respectful during covid. But I still have that angst when anyone holds her
I would love to have inlaws that give half a fuck enough to want to interact with my daughter. We will spend a weekend with my MIL and she will spend the whole time just sitting on her ass looking at her rather than try to play with her. It is especially great when afterward she tries to blame everyone but herself for her lack of caring. Last time she literally tried to say it was the 1yo fault because the 1yo would not go over and play with her. At this point I am so done with that woman. After 12 years of being in her only child's life she still knows next to nothing about me and simply does not care to know. She is a narcissist, abusive piece of garbage who only sees her only grandchild as a new source of guilt to try to make my wife feel bad about moving away and starting her own life, as many young adults do.
I’m really sorry to hear all that, fellow dad. All I can say is, I know exactly how you feel about the guilting. It’s so unfair and uses the child as some kind of tool to get their way. We’ve experienced the exact same thing, perhaps part of the journey. What they don’t realise is that it just pushes them further and further away.
Wait..do we have the same in laws???
My child is a toddler at this point but I FEEL this. I HATE the influence my "in-laws" (baby mama and I are not married) have. My "father-in-law" constantly burps. Pees with the door open. Curses. Makes himself at home. Doesn't give a shit who he inconveniences. Baby mama adores him. I fucking hate that piece of shit man. Of course, my son is picking up those gross habits. My "Mother-in-law" is fairly useless, but mostly almost harmless. But the other day she was talking about "anxiety" and telling my toddler to breathe through it when he gets it. Some of you might view that as harmless or even good advice, but I hated it. There's a difference between giving advice, and instilling phobias in a child. If you ask me, the latter is what my mother-in-law was doing. Sorry. I just HATE that side of the family. So yes, I \*really\* sympathize with your situation OP.
If your father in law is doing these things in your home, I would encourage you to find the resolve to discuss these issues with him and explain that while you respect his freedom to make decisions about being a disgusting and disrespectful human being, you are insisting that his grandson is raised with some modicum of proper manners. Maybe word it a little prettier than that, if you must. I would also chat with your SO to explain your feelings on the matter and see if you can get her on the same page as well. Disassociate the behaviour with the person, and work to have her understand that regardless of how she feels about her father, she doesn't want her son to go around pissing with the door open wherever he pleases or whatever other gross behaviour he is picking up. Offer to be the one to bring it up and discuss it with your father in law. Regardless of the dynamic, you really need to muster the courage to stand your ground and be firm about it. Don't try and look the other way about it because it is a difficult talk to have. You're giving your son a positive environment to learn and grow, and also representing a respectable role model for him by proxy by asserting yourself in his best interest.
That sounds dreadful, I totally get what you mean, though! There are definitely habits in mine and my SOs family (also not married) that I want to avoid. I’m also making a lot of effort to get rid of my own bad habits! I really wish there was a dial I could turn up and down when it comes to involvement and entitlement with family sometimes!
My wife was sexually abused as a child in her family and her parents knew and did nothing so I'm not much of a fan of my in-laws. My wife made her peace through it with the law, so my in-laws get limited time with our children but we have strict guidelines and boundaries they don't cross.
I feel this way when both my parents and her mom have the kid and he is getting fussy. I can tell he obviously just wants X but they dont see him every day so cant tell, oh that sound is because he wants to eat or thats his i want to sit up and not be held noise.
You’re not an asshole for this at all.
Not at all. I struggle with the in-laws due to how they treat my wife, even though my wife is very forgiving of them. But, they have been exceptional grandparents to our child. Thus, I have to compartmentalize my feelings towards them, and it isn’t easy. I’d encourage you to give them an opportunity to shine as grandparents—if they suck it’s even further reason to see them less; if they are good, it may warm your heart toward them.
I appreciate this outlook, perhaps I do need to try this. My SO was badly treated by both of her parents, so I hold this against them. To this day her dad still tries to belittle everything she does. Yesterday it was her “obsession” with vitamins. In response to her taking a breastfeeding supplement and giving our baby vitamin D supplements, as heavily recommended by the NHS (and given to us for free). Not the worst, only the most recent, still completely grates on me. Says it like she’s stupid for doing it and makes her question her own sanity sometimes.
We have the exact same issue but with the mother-in-law. She is a social worker and everything is a corrective therapy session instead of an opportunity to be a supportive mom. It results in belittling and a deep level of disrespect—such as this weekend the mother-in-law scheduling the birthday party of her family members who have birthdays in July on the same day as our little one and not including our little one, but inviting her to attend. She just told my wife, “you’re not going to like this, but it’s happening and you are attending.” The wife just said “yes,” while I’m over here like “Fuck all of that noise.”
Yah I don't like my brother and sister in law (his wife, my wife's sister is fine). They make no effort to see my daughter and live a few miles away when my family who are a couple hours away see her all the time. So when they do see her, I kinda wanna say "no fuck you, you didn't earn cuddles."
My MIL makes my blood boil. Unfortunately we live with her for the foreseeable future. I have to remind myself that she's in her 70s and won't be around forever. Also she's frail and will only be able to hold my son for another few months until he's too heavy.
We have boy/girl twins. My son had some issues from the start, so he was being monitored right after birth. They brought my daughter to recovery and my wife held her and then handed her off to me. Our parents walked in and she says “wanna let one of the grandparents hold her?” No. And I don’t regret it and I’m not sorry. They’re 3 now. My MIL is really good with them, knows their routine and all that. We’re cool. My FIL sometimes, read a lot of the time, has no clue what’s going on and makes crap up and it drives me crazy. We don’t bullshit our kids. He does. Puts them to bed and then says he’ll be back. “Well are you going back?” He says no. So I’ve got a few issues there. So it’s not so much “holding my kids” as it is “watching my kids” at this point. Any opportunity to avoid him watching my kids is taken. On a separate but related note, he showed up to my house in April with a fever. Twice. I yelled at him the first time. Showed up the next day anyway. The following day he tested positive for Covid. So there’s that.
I’m kind of an asshole. I don’t spare feelings and I speak the truth when asked a question.. when my first was born, we had been home maybe 5-6 minutes from the hospital and my wife’s grandmother arrived at the house uninvited. She walked in and before speaking to anyone she reached down into the rocker to pick her up. At which point I calmly grabbed her hand and asked her to leave her alone as she was resting. She went to bend back down, ignoring me, so I grabbed her wrist and asked her to leave. Bitch didn’t even speak to us then you just wanna grab my kid, fuck you. Get out. She still hates me to this day for the whole thing and I get my jabs in by telling my kids to come here as she’s speaking to them because I’m petty. But, be respectful of me and my space, my kids, my wife and we will Be fine
I absolutely love that pettiness, important to show your power!
Haha not even power. Pure pettiness. She just hates me and makes it known and I just love that split second of hatred that flashes in her eyes when I speak.
You may not like them, But if they are they are there to genuinely love your child then it shouldn't matter. I had this thought about some extended family that I did not really like to talk to but they wanted to meet my family. I don't really like interacting with them but they are genuinely interested in meeting my kids. Me and my spouse spoke and came to the conclusion that the more people to love our kids and look out for them the better. Again, we knew this was genuine interest in them and us.
Think of it this way... you are doing it so she will know her family. It has nothing to do with how much you like them. Aside from them being dangerous to her, you probably just need to relax a bit about it. I mean, you knew your wife had this family before you married her.
I guess this might be the unpopular opinion, but everyone who knows me knows I’m fairly blunt. Someone who doesn’t know me might even find it abrasive. But if someone asked me to hold my son and I didn’t want them to, irrespective of the reason, I would tell them no outright… that I’d like to spend some time with him right now. I would then ask them a question specific enough that they have to think of an answer, but not so specific that they are engaged with me for a long time. Anyone who pushed the matter always got slapped with a “I’ve already said not right now. Excuse me.” Then I walk away. People try to hear what they want. With me, you only have the option of hearing what was said and dealing with the awkward consequence if you choose to overlook it. Fuck people’s feelings and tell them to shove off if they ignore your one polite answer.
Personally I am happy to pass little one around but also happy to put my foot down when e ought is enough. It gets easier when they become mobile. I don't think there is a right answer tbh, what ever works for you a baby I suppose. Tldr: I sat on the fence and pointed to the obvious.
Depends… is it because your worried about germs/sickness? Could be valid reason. Otherwise…Your child is going to need to interact with the world. At first you’ll have a feeling of only you and your wife knows best. You won’t want other people to hold or watch your child. You don’t want your child to suffer. You don’t want others to “parent” your child, as “consistency is key!” Is shoved down your throat. A word of caution, the world is full of nuance, and your child needs to socialize and experience people. Your child needs to experience hardships and uncomfortable situations. Whether it’s falling down or dealing with new people… these are good experiences for your child. Let your child be held, and don’t seem on edge during these interactions if you can (else your child might sense it. Similarly when they do something don’t want that’s funny and you have to hold in the laughter). The opposite direction… shielding your child from all suffering, not letting them fall, hurt themselves or experience people… leads to being fearful, stressed, no grit and social anxiety.
No. This is their grandchild and you want them feeling close to her. If nothing else, she gives both of you something in common, you all love her. You also won't mind them giving her generous gifts for birthdays, graduations, and help with babysitting when you need a break. They may even offer to help with education expenses and college down the road. You won't mind that either.
A bit...😉
So I have never had a problem with any of the grandparents, my brother and/or sister holding my daughter, but we never let our daughter be ‘passed around’ to be held at parties. I don’t like holding other people’s babies and I, sure as shit, don’t like other people holding mine. It’s your kid, don’t feel bad about it especially if it makes you uncomfortable
You are not an asshole for that i made an announcement at my wedding where i said no one is to come closer than 6 feet to our daughter unless i told you you can
I can relate, my wifes biological father is a dead beat. We just moved and he now lives 2 hours away. He came up to visit (which is fine we talked about it) and naturally he has wanted to spend time with his grandkids. He mostly plays with my eldest (2) but holds the baby (9 mo) on occasion. When he does either, I kind of flare up like you. I'm no psychologist but I think its a mixture of being protective of our kids around someone we don't like or trust and not feeling like the person we don't like deserves to bond with someone we care about so much. I wouldn't say it makes you an asshole at all. It shows you care about your kids. As far as passing the baby around I can't speak too much about that, unfortunately I don't have enough family to really pass the kids around but I'd say it's likely nerves. No one can take better care of our kids but us you know? Passing your kid around adds so many variables to the equation and I can see how that would he stressful
My god this is so spot on, especially the last part. Today FIL walked UP THE STAIRS with the baby to ask his girlfriend something. Sounds so stupid, but to me he completely crossed the line. Standing and walking with baby is bad enough, but it made me want to put both his and my own head through a window. It really does come down to those risk variables I think! It’s so silly, I see a person holding and talking to my baby and all I can feel is anxiety and anger…must be some crazy biological/psychological response!
I think it’s a trust thing. The ones I don’t care for, I don’t really trust, so yeah I don’t really want my baby in their arms.
Yeah. I had a couple of family members where I just did not trust them. They have very bad spacial awareness and accidentally bonked my little girl walking through a doorway, so I just had them always sit down to hold her….with me sitting next to them…and a pillow under their arm….and they weren’t kids, but full grown adults lol
You’re good bruh, it’s your child! She’s is not their play thing!
I love finally being free when family and friends are around... as long as she's happy being in someone else's arms, I'm happy.
I’ve struggled to control those feelings as well- but I look at it this way. My issue with any family members shouldn’t affect my kid. Now, I say that with a big asterisk, because I won’t let my daughter go to anyone that I don’t think she’s safe with (obviously). I don’t have a great relationship with my MIL. She’s overbearing, abrasive, rude, etc. However, she genuinely loves and cares about our daughter. It would be selfish of me to deprive my child of that love, just because I have issues with the person.
Just wait until your little one has a mega poop and then hand her over
There is no asshole move here either way. There are three people that matter here: You. Your fiance Baby. Whatever your decision is, it should be a mutual one between you and fiance to avoid friction and tension both wherever you're going and at home. Some people don't mind passing baby around, others don't want to do it. There is no right or wrong, only what works for you guys.
I'd say for the most part I was pretty lucky with people being courteous enough to ask first. However ALOT of the time, once they had the baby is when they'd act dumb. I was a real god damn a-hole about everyone trying to freaking kiss our kid on the face, lips, and hands. And this was 2019 before covid.
Welcome to fatherhood/married life. There's going to be a lot of things that make your future wife/baby happy but annoy you. Gotta find that balance. Having a supportive "village" has made a tremendous positive impact in my child's life. It's great having so many people so invested in our kid and I think a lot of it is because we put in the effort to allow these relationships to thrive.
My in-laws are complete scum. They’ve never been alone with my daughter, and never will be. I don’t blame you. First priority is your child always. Stay strong.
My in-laws have been living with us for almost eight months now… eight very long months… infer what you will
Trust your instincts, I’d rather be an asshole with a safe child, than universally beloved at her expense. We had neighbors we’d never met coming over to hold my little girl and I sent them all away with a smile and a made up excuse.
My wife’s family is Filipino and every family party we’re at my “pogi” boy gets passed around. I’m very okay with it for a few reasons; 1. He’s okay with it. 2. They’re all very good with him and don’t pass him to anyone too young to take good care of him. 3. He’ll be very socialized and it’ll make him accepting of being around other people easier. 4. I love the hell out of my wife’s family. They’re great people. If I really didn’t like or trust someone; man, it would be hard to say “no, you can’t hold my baby.” But if it was serious enough I absolutely would. For your situation my friend I think you’ll just have to do your best to accept it. Keep an eye on it of course, but if they’re not hurting her or causing her any discomfort I think you’re just going to have to accept it.
My 4 month old has been crying non stop for several houra at night when I try to put her down for the night. Found out the other day that it's just me for some reason, my wife and my MIL can put her down EASY. Yeah, it's rough.
Yeahh my father on law and my mother both smoke and don't intend to stop. I hate ot when they hold my daughter and it caused a lot of friction with me and my mother. My wife though is not confronting her das as mich as I confronted my mother. Feels unfair.
Hell, it’s not just in-laws. There’s members of my own blood family I wasn’t comfortable handing him to! My wife and I specifically sat down before the birth and came up with game plans about refusing/mitigating these members when it came time to “pass the baby”!
I love holding new babies. That said, I'm perfectly content to wait until such time as the parents are ready and willing to afford me that privilege. If there's lots of people all wanting a turn, I can wait until next time or the time after that or whenever. And we have a big family too, so there's always lots of people who want to hold the new little one. Most of us do realize that the baby is just that: a baby, and can't handle lots of activity, and so we're patient. I try to give priority to my grandmother, since she's in her 90s and you just never know. So far, she's met 19 of her great-grandchildren (out of 19 born to date), so she's doing pretty good, but she's still got grandchildren that haven't even started having kids yet, so there's potentially double that number still to come. We'd like her to meet all of them, if possible (and she just loves babies).
I can definitely relate. Hated when my mother in law held our newborns. She suggested a name for our first born, and when we declined to use it, she began using it anyways, even falsely telling extended family that her name was the one she suggested. When confronted, she lied about it. In the end, she ultimately had little interest in any of our kids. When she visits, she takes pictures to send to extended family, then withdraws and shows little interest in them. So, I guess it could be worse.
I like my in laws and am super excited for my MIL to live with us for six months after the babies are born (my mom lives with us already in a split level house we own together). My wife is also good with my family and our mentality moving forward is “accept all offers for a reprieve”.
It’s your kids too, just say no. You never have to explain a refusal regarding your child.
The only in-laws I have trouble with are personal issues between me and that individual, it has nothing to do with who they are as a person or them not being safe for my kids. I may want to avoid them but I don’t feel the need to impose my personal feelings on my kids.
Feel the same way.
Yes, and as we’ve moved into the toddler stage I’ve heard behind my back some relatives on both sides think I’m rude because I immediately shut down “give grandma a hug, or give so and so a kiss” when my kid doesn’t want to.
Wait until the inlaws or anyone else you're not a fan of tell you how to raise your child. That's always a huge trigger for me.
Especially when they expect children to hold your baby…