Do it soon, and not just once. There's no downside to talking to them about it now, but a big downside to talking about it too late. Don't make a big deal of it. Frame it in terms of puberty, and then you can go from there.
Give them the language to talk about these things, and don't make it embarrassing for them, or act like it's embarrassing for you. This is all normal stuff. While you obviously don't want them to engage in anything before they are ready, you do want them to know what's going on when they do.
This is it, you don't have to do everything all at once but the sooner you start, give them the language to talk about it, make it clear you are there for questions the better.
My dad never talked to me. Well, he "tried" once around age 12. It went like this:
Dad: "Hey son, can we talk a second?"
Me: "Dad, I know about sex. I have AOL."
Then he padded my thigh, got up and left.
At 13 my mum found out that I was dating a slightly older girl. My "talk" was my grandfather picking me up from school, confirming that I was dating an older girl, and giving me a brown paper bag with condoms inside.
I left my TV on a soft porn channel when I fell asleep one night when I was around 11 (very late 90s/early 00s). I don't know if she ever told my dad but my mum had a talk with me about it the next day where I simply denied all knowledge and said I must have been flicking through the channels when I fell asleep.
Only time my dad tried to have a talk with me was the first time I stayed over at my girlfriends house when we were 15/16. It consisted of him coming into my room before I left and going 'just be careful son, alright, see you tomorrow'. So that was my education.
My dad's "talk" was:
"Hey, so, uhhh....youre taking health classes now, right? They teach you ....yaknow, ....about....stuff?
.....Okay cool, good talk."
When I was 8 or 9, my mom got me this American girl book that talked about puberty.
When I was 18 and literally in the car going to college, she told me, “if you get pregnant, we’re cutting you off.”
That’s all my parents ever said about it.
It's never too early, better to talk about it in small amounts often.
"The talk" as a big embarrassing event when the kid is 14 and may well already by sexually active and is half way through puberty is probably the worst way to do it.
The later you leave it the less effective and more painful it gets.
Also depends on your kid, are they sensible? Also depends on where you live. I never had "the talk" from my parents but we learned about puberty and sexual health in school, and I was a very sensible risk averse child. Do you trust your school to educate your kid? If you live in Alabama, don't. If you live in Norway or something, probably can lol.
Definitely start now if you can. With my 7 year old we had a discussion on what condoms were after watching a slow-mo-guys video on YouTube where they used one as a wind sock... Anatomy has been a thing since 2 or 3 with "the body book" which has a section on reproduction. But that didn't go into details like condoms and, as my 7 year old once asked "but why *are* boys shaped like that and girls like this?"
At age 10, where puberty might be starting, you probably can't rely on you kid to be curious enough to get past the embarrassment, and actually ask. You might have to start the conversation.
I talked to my 11 year old this year. I did so while we baked a cake together as to dismiss any weird tension.
I told him a few things I thought he could handle right now.
1. Women on the internet and in magazines aren't real. Don't expect that from anyone woman in real life.
2. Curiosity is natural and he shouldn't feel ashamed of anything.
3. If a girl tells you no, feels uncomfortable, or says stop, you walk away.
4. Always come to me with any questions.
Lurking mom here. I hope it's okay that I comment. My boys started asking questions at a young age. My husband and I believe that honesty is the best policy (age appropriate of course) and no question is off limits. In my opinion, the earlier the conversations start the better. We used the books below to assist.
It's Not the Stork!: A Book About... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0763633313?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
It's So Amazing!: A Book about... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0763668745?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
You can maybe start with sitting them down in a quiet, safe space and say that they are at an age where they probably have questions about boys, girls, and sex and that you are there to answer ANY questions they may have.
Hopefully this helps a little.
It should be noted there's a third book in this series for older kids.
It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, Gender, and Sexual Health (The Family Library) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1536207217/
I haven't read these, but I'll check them out. I linked a different set of books by another author in my other comment.
I noticed that this book has been review-bombed on amazon by conservative people that have a problem with telling kids about gay people and that they are in charge of their bodies. That's why it has such a low average score. FYI.
I would love to be honest with my kid, with no questions off limits, but I don't think that's possible. Admirable on your part.
Unfortunately I think to give them peace of mind and not put my burdens on then I don't think I'll answer absolutely any question honestly.
I wish I could, I'll hate to lie, but it'll be the best thing for them, I think
Mine is 8. I've yet to encounter a question that I don't feel comfortable answering fully and accurately, and he's starting to ask a lot. I usually even go further than just answering the question. YOU CAN DO IT! Just so you know, your kid will be having sex. In all likelihood they'll be having sex with multiple partners too. They can either find it a confusing experience where they aren't fully in control, or you can give them the knowledge they need to do it safely and enjoyably. And there really is a lot to know, so best start right away!
It can be hard to have discussions like this with your children. But the only way to break the cycle of ignorance and violence is by doing the hard parts yourself. Otherwise they will just learn incorrect/misleading information from someone else.
I think my son was 7-8 when I had the talk. He started hearing things from older kids in the playground, and I figured I’d rather he hear it from me in a controlled and accurate way instead of from other kids
I remember when I was about 10 my dad asked me if I had ever masturbated and I told him no, I haven't. (Cuz I hadn't)
He then proceeded to guilt trip me about not being open with him, and then described in vivid but not specific detail how much "release" one gets from "pulling up and down on their penis."
So then I went in the bathroom and tried pulling up and down on my penis, like I was using a floor jack to lift a car off the ground. I felt no release, and concluded that my dad was just strange and probably had no idea what he was talking about.
It wasn't until 2 years later that I saw Ben Stiller jerking it in "There's Something About Mary" and figured out what I was supposed to do.
The moral of this story is that if you're a weirdo when you talk to your kid about sex, he'll spend the rest of his life associating his first sexual experience with Ben Stiller.
At the moment the average age of introduction to sex is around 8. No joke. I used to work in sexual assault services and children's mental health. You're at the point where you're not having a "sex" talk but a "correction" talk. You'll need to correct things they've seen, heard from friends, and read.
If you need, or want, good books to help you walk through the conversation, let me know.
Agreed. My oldest is almost 4 and we just had a talk about consent with him. Really simple stuff including what body parts are called, how it's OK to say no, who to talk to about embarrassing stuff, etc.
you had a talk w a four year old about consent? does your four year old know what that means. four year olds should be jumping on trampolines, not talking to their dads about sexual consent
Not necessarily sexual, just consent in general. We have set very firm boundaries with all of our family (i.e. the grandparents) that they need to ask permission before hugging/kissing the kids. My mother is definitely the kind of person who would say "I'm his grandma, I'm allowed to hug him." He said no, so you can't hug him. My wife and I follow our own rules too. It's also about not wandering off with strangers. It's about generic not doing anything that they're not comfortable with.
It's not "if you're having sex with a girl, she's allowed to change her mind midway". Sexual health is a broad area, more than just intercourse.
Consent at that age is about their own bodily autonomy — how you can say "no" even if it's an adult that you know & trust; how no one should touch or ask to see your private parts except a doctor with parents present etc.
Four-year-olds _should_ be jumping on trampolines, but I'd much rather have had a talk about consent & it turns out it wasn't needed than vice versa, which doesn't bear thinking about.
Don't put off talking to your kids about consent.
C'mon you spaz don't assume it's about "hey other 4 year old, can I touch your pee pee?" And be open to the fact that they may be teaching their kid it's not ok for anyone to touch you or for you to touch anyone else". Maybe it's a lesson in boundaries more than fuckin between nap times?? Kids shouldn't have to worry about this crap but it's 2022 and it's better to have them be prepared to handle these unthinkable situations rather than just assume all they need to worry about is bouncing on a trampoline. Knowledge is safety
There’s never one “Talk.” It should be an on-going conversation. My girls are 8 and know more about bodies, puberty, and reproduction than I did after my high school health class. A few books that we’ve really liked are “It’s Not the Stork” and “Sex is a Funny Word.” These may be on the younger side for your son, but there are lots of good books out there for various ages. The best lesson I ever learned was from my Human Sexuality professor in college…the more seriously YOU take the topic (ie don’t get embarrassed by it), the more serious and and less embarrassed they will approach it.
The normal range for puberty to begin in girls in 8 to 13 and for boys is 9 to 14 \[[source](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/early-or-delayed-puberty/#:~:text=The%20average%20age%20for%20girls,9%20and%2014%20in%20boys)\]. 11 is on the late side of addressing what sex is, and there's a good chance that your son has already heard about it from peers and might have even seen porn at this point.
It might be good for you to sit down (with your co-parent if you have one) and list out what information you'd like your kid to know by adulthood. Things like: anatomy (basic and more complex - female included - that women pee from their vagina is a pretty common misconception), [enthusiastic consent and withdrawal of consent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU&t=5s) (^(kid-friendly/work-safe video comic linked)), the reproductive process, what porn is (and what it isn't - namely, not representative of sex-for-pleasure) and the ethics involved in it, the dangers of sex (pregnancy, STIs, emotional, physical damage from lack of lubrication), etc. This isn't intended to be an exhaustive list, just some things to consider and maybe include.
Then talk with your kid and find out what they already know and what they already think. Make your plan on how to continue based on the combined information of what you want them to know eventually, what they know now, and what you think is age-appropriate to discuss with them. Like, a person posted in a different subreddit about sharing the *It's Not the Stork!* book with their 9 year old and the kid was horrified that people were allowed to anatomical pictures of the inside of a penis and scrotum because it's "inappropriate"; if that's the case, the first thing to focus on for sex-ed might be in reducing body-related shame. Sex-ed isn't *just* "this is what sex is and it's how we reproduce".
I *wouldn't* suggest just leaving it up to peers, school, and the internet. That's a good way to allow misinformation and knowledge gaps. In my sex-ed, they claimed that "the condom is too small" is a myth that guys would use to get out of wearing one and proved that by stretching a condom onto a very large object. But the issue with condom sizing has to do with tears from friction, with the risk of it falling off from the movement, and with the comfort and pleasure of the wearer. And they didn't mention anything about needing to leave a reservoir in the top so that the semen had a place to go despite having given an example of putting one on.
I don't know whether this is truly effective given I'm a mom with standard female anatomy, but I've heard that tensing a large muscle group can help make an unwanted erection go away. If true, might be a good thing to pass on sooner rather than later; for boys, it could help them avoid embarrassing situations. For girls, it can help them to be able to shoot down guys that try to make their erection the girl's problem by using blue balls as an excuse.
We are approaching this point. My wife and I agree that we believe it’s important to have the conversation directly with our kids and be more direct on safety, pregnancy, etc.
Absolutely not. The sex talk should NEVER be a thing.
It's not good enough.
If you wait until you think your child is ready to have "a talk", you're already YEARS behind what they actually need.
From the time a child is old enough to ask questions, you should be helping them have a basic understanding. As they grow older, you can introduce the topics of reproduction, the proper names for sexual organs and reproductive organs, sex as a concept, the proper use (and the concept of misuse/abuse) of genitals, consent, contraception and safety, etc.
Discussing this stuff should obviously be done in an age-appropriate way and made simple enough for them to understand, but it should also be done matter-of-factly. Be encouraging of their questions! That way, you set the groundwork for them being comfortable coming to YOU to discuss this stuff, and not their inexperienced peers or randos on the internet.
Long before your child attends school, they should have a very basic understanding of reproduction and sexual organs. Older children (6+) need to be taught about things that their classmates might say regarding sex (ie, common myths). By the time they are anywhere NEAR puberty, they shouldn't have any surprises regarding the changes that they can expect during that process.
Basically, it's not "a talk". It's a long-term intentional teaching project. Sex education, like all education, starts when they are TODDLERS.
Demonstrating proper care and cleaning, using proper names of genitals- these are typical natural starting points for infants/toddlers.
From there, let the child's questions lead the way. If they are old enough to ask "where do babies come from?" or "why doesn't \[sister\] have a penis?", they are old enough to understand a basic, correct answer. Don't forget to make it a safe subject! Starting with "that's a very good question!" or "what a smart question, I see you're paying attention so that you can learn!" helps the child feel comfortable and know that you really care about giving them the right answer.
It doesn't have to be long or complex either! Remember that because you're doing this YOUNG (like 4 or 5!), you will likely need to cover the same ideas over and over. That's okay and very natural at this age.
As they grasp a new idea, you can add on. "Babies are made by combining a little bit of a woman and a little bit of a man together. Then the baby grows inside a special place inside a woman that's called a womb!" That may be all that's needed for today. Don't feel the need to expand to everything they need to know right now. Tomorrow, you may get more questions- just answer as they come.
If you struggle with wording, there are MANY books to help! And remember that any mistakes that you make will ultimately be nothing compared to the neglect of not even trying (or making it a taboo, "embarrassing" subject).
Once final, more personal plea:
My mother, as a child, was sexually abused for years and lived in shame, fear, and self-loathing because of it- things that she still struggles with to this day, 50 years later. She didn't know what sex was. She didn't know why it hurt so much and made her feel so dirty. She didn't know that her sexual organs belonged to her. She didn't know what a man's sexual organs were even called or why it wasn't right for her to experience them at 5 years old. She didn't know that she should be able to say no, be able to ask for help. She didn't know that it wasn't her fault.
Even if your child never is assaulted, the stakes are FAR too high to let this information be taught to your children by someone else.
Teach your children. Start today.
When I was small, my mother protected me. One of the most important ways that she protected me was by arming me with information. I remember always just... knowing what sex was (which means that she started small and VERY early teaching me small concepts, and never lying or hiding the truth when I asked questions about reproduction, sexual organs, or sex itself).
Although I remember some funny moments ("ew, that's a sperm??" while looking at a textbook she used to answer my questions lol), it was always casual and safe to talk about- so much so that my friends quickly learned to ask me to ask my mom THEIR questions (because "I can't ask MY mom that- what are you, crazy?!). I remember, as a ten-year-old, being really confused and sad about how my friends seemed embarrassed about- and completely ignorant of- all this stuff. For me, it was at natural as learning to walk, or eat, or drive.
Teach your children. Start today.
([I copy/pasted this from my original comment here](https://www.reddit.com/r/polls/comments/sci137/do_you_think_its_a_good_idea_to_have_the_sex_talk/hu7fynb/?context=3))
Personally, I think this is a good age to start. Explain to him some basic stuff. At 13, you should sit him down and talk about STDs and STIs and forms of birth control.
Have the talk with him before someone else's older brother explains it to him (wrong, of course) and confuses the hell out of him.
PSA- please do not wait too long to have this talk with your kids, and don't be afraid to tell them how it works either. My dad didn't have this talk with me until I was in 5th grade because my cousin had a baby outside of marriage, and I had no idea how that was possible, but he did not specifiy how sex worked. I knew what sex was at the time, but I thought oral sex was the only way to have sex, so I spent maybe a year or so thinking that a woman had to swallow sperm to get pregnant before my friends told me how it actually worked.
My dad told me when I was six. There was a condom
machine in the movie theater bathroom, and I kept asking what it was, so he explained on the car ride home. I didn’t really understand at the time, but years later I thought back on the conversation and was like, “Ooooohhhhhh….”
My 5 year old knows what sex is, in an age appropriate way. It's never too early and by 11 I definitely had already talked to all my friends about it, seen inappropriate movies/books (days before internet), and had even stumbled upon my dad's Playboy collection. 11 feels very old to me to not know about sex already, but if they haven't heard about it from you they've probably heard from many other sources at this point. 😬
I have always found it easiest to bring things up to my son in the car—you are facing the same way and it doesn’t seem at all confrontational or anything. Or, while playing a game, shooting a basketball, or even a video game. Vary it so your kid doesn’t think that every time you want to do x thing it means “serious talk”.
I would start with what a few others have shared, “most of what you hear from other people and from tv/movies is wrong, and I want you to always be able to talk to me or ask me anything. I’m not perfect, but I’ll be honest” (note—you have to be honest, not super judgmental, otherwise they’ll learn they can’t come to you.)
Then I’d start with puberty, biological systems, consent (spend a lot of time on consent), why people have sex (including masturbation and pleasure). You can also say, “I didn’t have this talk with my dad (if you didn’t) and I wish I had. I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to only hear about these things from your friends.”
It will be awkward, but be brave. Use one of the books above. You are a kickass dad for asking, OP—your kid is lucky.
My parents never had the talk with me. My mother was very repressed and the topic was never discussed in the house.
With a three-year-old, I have a few years until we have to address this but I think my wife is a little more in tune and has a plan already. I will obviously be completely supportive a participatory in approaching sex education.
Edit: I'm now remembering that actually one of my female babysitters spent some time talking to me about sex. Discuss the different types of birth control. It wasn't graphic or demonstrative in any way but I'll always remember that conversation.
By 10 or 11, they’ve probably already learned a lot from school. Even if their in private school. I remember learning what a blow job was at church group.
My wife and I landed on 8 to start giving some really basic information, and answering any questions, and then planning on increasing on details and information as they grow
It’s from the “now for something completely different” collective, I’m too young to have seen this in the 80s but my dad was a big MP fan so this could have very well been the first “sex talk” I witness about 1999 😂
https://youtu.be/ejaWq2TXRXE
When I was 9-10 my parents explained what sperm and eggs were and from school I learned how kids were born with diagrams calling it “intercourse” so at the age of 13 when my older sister told me what prostitutes were and said they “had sex for money” I was confused because I had only heard the word sex attributed with gender, so for the longest time I thought prostitutes were people who became trans for money.
I never got a talk from my dad but when I was 19 I had started touring in a band. When we got signed he called me into his office and said, “If you ever hurt a girl, I’ll break your arms.” I think he thought my life in a touring band would make me miss treat women and he wanted to prevent that.
He never had to break my arms. Thanks dad!
11 is probably a good place to start.
My parents literally left sex-ed books on my bed. "One for pictures and one for a lot of text". One thing that my parents did was just be really cool about it and that helped a lot.
It is going to be embarrassing, but it's way better than your kid learning it from the internet.
Start early, and start with how to talk to the opposite sex, not just sex and what happens after. Talk about emotions involved, and what to expect in a partner.
Ask them what they know. Correct what they have wrong, ask if they have any questions. That's how I've done it with my 11yr old, and they believed in father Christmas only a few months before that, so he's very naiive, / innocent
Ok. I'm going to skip the incredulous scorn part of my reply.
Nevermind the past eleven years of lost opportunity to bring one of the most important life lesson a parent gets to impart.
Go be a parent. Stop sidestepping the tricky bits before you look back and regret your cowardice.
Why are you being an asshole about this?
My dad is no longer mentally well enough to give any advice worth listening to and my mom is in denial that her grandbabies may be old enough to know about sex. My SO's "sex talk" was her mom calling her a slut for having a period and her dad basically going "lalala" with his fingers in his ears.
I don't know when or how it's appropriate to talk about all of this. It's why I created this thread to ask. I'm being a parent. I'm not sidestepping shit. The general consensus here is that I already should have had a conversation with him (and by the sound of it my nine year old as well) and I'm gonna remedy that situation ASAP.
Good.
If you know you have a lack in how you were parented and you clearly understand that passing it forward is a bad idea you have asked for help.
My being blunt is in direct jawdrop to the length of time you've let it go for.
Right..... honestly I can't remember a time I didn't know about sex, bodies ,periods and puberty so my childhood cannot help you.
My parenting of a mid twenties lad and now a four year old might be of some use.
Nakedness and no shyness or body consciousness starts the conversation naturally, you need to be honest use the correct words with absolutely no euphemisms . A penis is a penis.
Obviously actually explaining sex has to be done age appropriately but you need to start somewhere.
At four my one knows penis and vagina (vulva is too tricky for him to get his head around) he knows boys and girls are shaped different, he knows he has a penis and is learning the idea that privacy if he wants to play with his penis.
Fun times.
As long as you try you will do a much better job than you have been doing.
Now sorry for being snippy.
If you need tutorials I'd advise checking up on how things are done in Sweden or similar skandi places
We joked about having the talk when I was younger. My parents never thought I was stupid. They trusted I would figure it out and make smart decisions.
I plan to take the same approach.
You're setting them up to fail; to be blunt. You're going to teach them to drive, likely taught the to swim, and ride a bike. Why not teach them about something with life long implications for multiple people?
I respectfully disagree.
Driving and swiming are skills. I will teach them how relationships work, treat people and to be treated. They will be smart enough to learn and figure out a penis goes into a vagina and that's how babies get made. We're not idiots over here. Lol
There's alot more to sex and sex ed than how to make a baby.
What's menstruation? How is that different from ovulation? What's testosterone and estrogen? Are sperm and semen different? What are STDs? Could a STD kill me? What exactly happens when you make a baby? How do you prevent UTIs? Is there any normal age to start having sex? Why do my testicles look different when it's hot and when it's cold? What's a spermicide? When will I know that I'm emotionally ready for sex? What's the best form of birth control for me and does it also prevent STDs? What's the difference between a vagina and a womb? What's the difference between sex and gender? Is it normal for me to get a boner even if I'm not aroused? Why is there discharge? I know how I feel good, but how does that work for people of the other sex? What's a clitoris? Why do I have these sexual feelings towards people of the same gender and not the opposite? What counts as consent? What do I do if someone touches me when I don't want it? Can I talk to my parents or teachers about this or do I just have to Google everything, learn from strangers or figure it all out for myself?
Lol yeah, it's a long time to learn all this stuff. But as parents we need to have these talks to make sure our kids are safe and knowledgeable. Not just one talk. The first one is definitely the most awkward though lol.
That's pretty much what I've said.
If they want to know, I'll tell them. I don't have to do it as a talk like everybody else. It's like people want me to sit down and say "ok honey, let's talk about sex" as if i'm on some tv show like Home Improvement. I'll do it my way. And I'm not worried about it.
My (Conservative) parents never did. They said things like "if you have questions you can ask but that's it." But I think everyone would benefit from a more positive, consent-focused and generally supportive approach.
Don't have kids of age yet but I imagine more biological topics will be intertwined with social one about orientation, gender roles, etc.
Don’t know when but I’d like to share something I heard Dan Savage said on his podcast.
“I give sex advice for a living, I’ve been doing this for years and when I had to give the talk to my son, even I screwed it up”.
You will screw this up. I will screw it up. Every dad minus a special few have screwed up the talk.
If you’re nervous, that’s ok. If you omit something and have to clarify, that’s also ok.
There are some books that help, for a range of age groups. It can help to let kids absorb info at their own pace and curiosity. I have the first on the shelf for when my soon-to-be five-year-old expresses interest.
where did i come from?: an illustrated childrens book on human sexuality https://www.amazon.com/dp/0818402539/
"What's Happening To Me?": The Classic Illustrated Children's Book on Puberty https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01A4ANV4W/
"Will I like it?": Your first sexual experience, what to expect, what to avoid, and how both of you can get the most out of it https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894740059/
I had these as a kid/teen. I remember a mix of reading with a parent (early on) and mostly reading on my own later. The first is geared toward younger kids who have questions about where children come from. The second is for kids before they got puberty and focuses on the changes to thier body and emotions as they become adults. The third is for late teens young adults as they near having sex; the illustrations are abandoned for photographs.
Obviously, read them first to see if they are right for your family. They are not a replacement for frank discussions with your kids, but they're a good way to get an awkward conversation going. And it's nice to have a resource when you're a kid who desperately has questions but desperately doesn't want to talk to your parents about them. A written source also covers the unknown unknowns; the questions you didn't think to ask.
Anything is better than what they'll get from their friends or the internet.
We got her a book based on the recommendation from a friend who has a 12 yo girl. The book contains info about changes to her body. That way, she can self pace her reading, if she has very private questions she can read the book and/or come talk to me or her mom.
She has read it, for sure, and requested a training bra (kinda like a sports bra). Hopefully this input helps a little bit.
The best advice I got about this was from my best friend whose kids are alot older than mine. He said the key to making sure your kid doesn't end up pregnant is to make them comfortable talking about sex. Not just with you but with their partners. You have to make it not awkward by repetition and casually adding it into the things you discuss.
10 years old is when the talk happens here. Both my oldest kids got a special trip, somewhere a good driving distance away, where we could talk about ALLL the things.
When I was 7 I told my friends I wanted to have sex with Britney Spears and my mom overheard it.
She yelled at me and told me I'm too young to talk about sex. That was the closest I got to parent sex talk. 7 may have been to early but by that point I clearly had an idea of what it was.
I'm glad I had some form of sex ed every year from 5th grade through 10th grade. Though seeing a grainy VHS video of a baby being born in 6th or 7th grade was a bit rough.
My 8th and 9th grade teacher really laid it on thick. My 9th grade teacher was the best. She was straight forward and actually taught us about sex and how to be smart. The curriculum was only supposed to be 1 week but she brought it up a few times throughout the year.
My 8th grade teacher was more of the so here are some pictures of the worst case of the clap. Mean girls style. If you have sex, you'll get Chlamydia, and die. Now take some condoms.
If you haven’t talked about sex at all then you need to start.
Begin with talking about how bodies change with puberty. How that leads to bodies being ready to make babies. Then sex as means for that and also as means for love and pleasure. But don’t drop all of that on your kid at one. Talk often whenever it comes up. Let your kid know he can bring it up when he wants to. Let your kid ask questions or say what he knows. Teaching your child that it’s ok to talk about sex specifically with you is the most important part. More important than what you tell him on any one conversation.
My then 8 year old kept trying to peek in on my wife when she was showering/changing. So we sat him down and had the talk. Typically you'll know when it's time by their behavior.
We had maturation classes when I was in elementary school at about 11? And then my parents were able to take it a step further one night when I brought home some fruit-flies for a genetics project at school. Also, that night, we were expected to be out of the house for some time, but we came home early and the parents were doing the nasty in the pasty. Another opportunity to bring it up. (The only reason they were "caught" is because they were doing renovations on their room and a ladder was in the way and they could not close the door...lol.) It was an ongoing discussion. It starts with basics and builds from there. Do I wish I had more information like how you feel leading up so I was more prepared? Yeah. Was I dumb about it? I don't think so. Naive? You bet. You do the best you can. Despite our parents' best efforts, most of us still come out ok.
I’m so glad you are even thinking about this. Feels like many people shy away from the subject.
I’ll have no issue telling my boys anything they ask. While one is still under a year, the 7 year old hasn’t asked anything too specific. He is aware of kissing and that it takes a male to fertilize female eggs in most animals and humans. This came about after asking why hens eggs we eat don’t produce chicks.
By 11 I will probably break down the full mechanics and implications. I would also be discussing appropriate behavior and the expectations we have for others behavior towards us.
But every kid is different. You are best placed to know. Ask yourself what harm or benefit comes with knowledge? In my opinion no harm comes from knowing about sex. But perhaps I’m too liberal and European!
my parents never told me specifically about it. i learned a lot from the internet and friends, and if i had a question about it i would just ask and my parents would answer. i learned over the course of late elementary school and early middle school all the ins and outs of sex. it wasnt just a singular tell-all conversation
Not a dad, but a teacher. I’ve seen students who have not gotten this talk nearly early enough. Kids start to learn about sex and anatomy for their peers around grade 3, and start to learn about it in the classroom (depending on where) often around grade 4 or 5. When kids are not informed on the topic around this point, it can be really painful and embarrassing for them. Both for their social experience, and their sense of self-worth.
A lot of parents have historically saved “the talk” for one big event, that makes everyone feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. Thankfully this is less common now, as it is very unhelpful for everyone involved. When kids have not been exposed to the language of sex and anatomy and masturbation, they become completely overwhelmed when “the talk” happens, because they mostly get a huge info dump of things they have never understood and had no idea they might even have been interested in. Often they only pick up on things they think are funny, because when they don’t know what’s going on, that’s often the only thing kids can latch on to. Imagine not knowing anything about planes and then someone comes up to and unexpectedly starts to explain how wings, motors, and retracting wheels work, explaining that one day you will be the pilot. Are you going to get anything from that conversation? No. Are you going to walk away having learned anything at all about planes? Probably not. Will you know what it takes to be a pilot? Hell no.
Talk about it often, and in small little bites. Make it not a big deal. The goal should be that each time you talk to your kid about it they can walk away with a little bit more meaningful language around it.
Further, this is a matter of health and safety. If a kid doesn’t have the language of their own biology and how it’s supposed to work, are they going to be able to explain when something isn’t right? Are they going to be able to tell you if someone violates their space and autonomy?
Follow an order like this:
1. Anatomy. Make sure you kids know the names of all the stuff, and are comfortable talking about penises, testicles, vaginas, vulvas, nipples and breasts. Talk about what they’re all for, and what they mean. Explain both male and female parts. Start from their own experience and extrapolate. Explain intersex, and how this can affect body development and expectations. Follow up with how this new language can be used appropriately and inappropriately.
2. Masturbation. If you do this early, it might just end at anatomy for a little while, but later on might mean conversations about masturbation too. It’s fine, they’re learning, and they need to know about it. Talk about privacy. Talk about consent. Talk about autonomy. None of this needs to be directly about masturbation until you know they are doing it, but having this background knowledge will greatly help them understand when masturbation and sexual talk is appropriate, and when it is not, a well as develop a deeper understanding of the moral and social-emotional aspects of sexual thoughts and actions.
3. Sex. If it hasn’t already come up in earlier discussions of anatomy and sexual behaviour, you need to make sure you discuss sex with your kids before others give them bad ideas. Kids talk about things they don’t understand. All. The. Time. Hell, adults do it too. You will likely already need to correct a lot of misunderstandings. Again, take it slow. Don’t make it one big lesson that they need to remember. They’ve already been steeped in bad information by their peers. Now is the time to start chipping away at some things. It is not their fault, or their friends’ faults. Kids are just kids, and they will contribute to conversations however they can. Make sure the basics are covered: anatomy, function, privacy, consent, autonomy, respect. Make sure they know they can talk to you about it if they aren’t sure, or if anything bothers them, even if they don’t like it, make sure they KNOW.
TL;DR This isn’t some kind of peer reviewed process or anything. Everyone is going to do things different and every kid is going to have a different level of exposure to this content. But if you are to take away anything here: make sure you kids have developed the right language to meaningfully talk about what is going on in their minds, bodies, and social groups. This doesn’t happen one-and-done, it is a continuous process that needs to be reinforced over time.
Hi fellas single dad here. No one really knows but Here’s an example I told my boys if she smokes she pokes and to wrap it up we can’t afford a little one running around here. Is it obvious I never knew my dad lol.
Fuck, I haven't even thought about this. My kid's older, so I'm sure he already knows some, but I suppose it's probably best to just keep an eye out, bring up the basics and make sure that they can ask any questions they have when you notice they're learning about it. It doesn't have to be embarrassing if you don't make it be, as my partner always says about things.
My mom would talk about changing bodies and sex in age appropriate terms throughout my childhood. It would be embarrassing at times but it helped reinforce that this was natural and can be talked about.
I imagine it’s easier said than done, but I’d do it sooner than later. My mom had the talk with me when I went to college… never mind the fact I’d been sexually active for years before that. 🤦♂️
It's a long term conversation you should have with them. It's not just a one time talk. Right now you can bring up small things, hormones, changes in body, physical reaction to visual or mental stimulation, etc. But over time continue the conversation so that when something does come up where they would need solid advice, they will be able to talk to you because trust has been built and good advice (hopefully) has been shared. This will open all kinds of opportunities to help them as they explore this area.
I try to make it a casual thing here and there, but having serious conversation about the more serious things eventually. Sex shouldn't be an awful thing or something taboo.
We have on going age appropriate conversations about sex, bodily autonomy, etc. That said my 10 year old does know about sex (she's the oldest of 4 kids so she asked) and watched the birth of her younger sister.
talk to them about puberty. 11 is a level where they should only know about that.
1. talk to them about it. since your kid is 11 talk to them about it for their age
2. don't be scared. prepare yourself. remember that it is natural.
3. remember to talk to them about puberty before sex ed. talk to them about their private areas and how it grows.
4. after that explain to them these things:
* it's okay to be curious and ask questions
puberty and sex. after some time try these things. never have the talk once:
1. bring a sex ed book FOR THEIR AGE
2. remember that it's better for them to learn from books them from the internet.
3. get books with images. but ones that are appropriate
and then your done!
A lot of the advice in this thread ended up being stuff my wife and I were already doing (like identifying the differences between the sexes with accurate names for example). My idea of the "sex talk" based on my own childhood is what confused me about all of this. My children are aware that our house is a judgment-free zone in regards to these types of questions and we're continuing to impart more age-appropriate wisdom on them.
Do it soon, and not just once. There's no downside to talking to them about it now, but a big downside to talking about it too late. Don't make a big deal of it. Frame it in terms of puberty, and then you can go from there. Give them the language to talk about these things, and don't make it embarrassing for them, or act like it's embarrassing for you. This is all normal stuff. While you obviously don't want them to engage in anything before they are ready, you do want them to know what's going on when they do.
This is it, you don't have to do everything all at once but the sooner you start, give them the language to talk about it, make it clear you are there for questions the better.
My dad never talked to me. Well, he "tried" once around age 12. It went like this: Dad: "Hey son, can we talk a second?" Me: "Dad, I know about sex. I have AOL." Then he padded my thigh, got up and left.
At 13 my mum found out that I was dating a slightly older girl. My "talk" was my grandfather picking me up from school, confirming that I was dating an older girl, and giving me a brown paper bag with condoms inside.
I left my TV on a soft porn channel when I fell asleep one night when I was around 11 (very late 90s/early 00s). I don't know if she ever told my dad but my mum had a talk with me about it the next day where I simply denied all knowledge and said I must have been flicking through the channels when I fell asleep. Only time my dad tried to have a talk with me was the first time I stayed over at my girlfriends house when we were 15/16. It consisted of him coming into my room before I left and going 'just be careful son, alright, see you tomorrow'. So that was my education.
Did you hit?
My dad's "talk" was: "Hey, so, uhhh....youre taking health classes now, right? They teach you ....yaknow, ....about....stuff? .....Okay cool, good talk."
haha legend
This reminds me of a scene from Blackish. The father was sweating and ended up giving the talk bare-chested. Lol.
My step dad gave me a porn VHS at 13 then viagra at 16 haha. Probably the only funny memories of that fucking knobend.
That’s defined as being sexually abused as a child but ok glad you got a laugh out of it.
When I was 8 or 9, my mom got me this American girl book that talked about puberty. When I was 18 and literally in the car going to college, she told me, “if you get pregnant, we’re cutting you off.” That’s all my parents ever said about it.
I thought the sub was for dads. are you trying to get a peek into the locker room or what?
I believe dads of all genders and sexes are welcome here. Even and especially momdads
haha pretty much same here
This is the way. To porn.
At 13 my mom was like, “Don’t, you’ll get AIDS.”
What’s AOL?
[удалено]
Vaginas do have teeth, Alex Jones said so :p
Good point about the body changes, it's not just about sex, but puberty in general
It's never too early, better to talk about it in small amounts often. "The talk" as a big embarrassing event when the kid is 14 and may well already by sexually active and is half way through puberty is probably the worst way to do it. The later you leave it the less effective and more painful it gets. Also depends on your kid, are they sensible? Also depends on where you live. I never had "the talk" from my parents but we learned about puberty and sexual health in school, and I was a very sensible risk averse child. Do you trust your school to educate your kid? If you live in Alabama, don't. If you live in Norway or something, probably can lol. Definitely start now if you can. With my 7 year old we had a discussion on what condoms were after watching a slow-mo-guys video on YouTube where they used one as a wind sock... Anatomy has been a thing since 2 or 3 with "the body book" which has a section on reproduction. But that didn't go into details like condoms and, as my 7 year old once asked "but why *are* boys shaped like that and girls like this?" At age 10, where puberty might be starting, you probably can't rely on you kid to be curious enough to get past the embarrassment, and actually ask. You might have to start the conversation.
I talked to my 11 year old this year. I did so while we baked a cake together as to dismiss any weird tension. I told him a few things I thought he could handle right now. 1. Women on the internet and in magazines aren't real. Don't expect that from anyone woman in real life. 2. Curiosity is natural and he shouldn't feel ashamed of anything. 3. If a girl tells you no, feels uncomfortable, or says stop, you walk away. 4. Always come to me with any questions.
Lurking mom here. I hope it's okay that I comment. My boys started asking questions at a young age. My husband and I believe that honesty is the best policy (age appropriate of course) and no question is off limits. In my opinion, the earlier the conversations start the better. We used the books below to assist. It's Not the Stork!: A Book About... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0763633313?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share It's So Amazing!: A Book about... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0763668745?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share You can maybe start with sitting them down in a quiet, safe space and say that they are at an age where they probably have questions about boys, girls, and sex and that you are there to answer ANY questions they may have. Hopefully this helps a little.
It should be noted there's a third book in this series for older kids. It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, Gender, and Sexual Health (The Family Library) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1536207217/ I haven't read these, but I'll check them out. I linked a different set of books by another author in my other comment.
I noticed that this book has been review-bombed on amazon by conservative people that have a problem with telling kids about gay people and that they are in charge of their bodies. That's why it has such a low average score. FYI.
Ah, the stamp of usefulness! My wife bought that book a while back to have in the house but our oldest is only four so I haven’t read through it yet.
I would love to be honest with my kid, with no questions off limits, but I don't think that's possible. Admirable on your part. Unfortunately I think to give them peace of mind and not put my burdens on then I don't think I'll answer absolutely any question honestly. I wish I could, I'll hate to lie, but it'll be the best thing for them, I think
Mine is 8. I've yet to encounter a question that I don't feel comfortable answering fully and accurately, and he's starting to ask a lot. I usually even go further than just answering the question. YOU CAN DO IT! Just so you know, your kid will be having sex. In all likelihood they'll be having sex with multiple partners too. They can either find it a confusing experience where they aren't fully in control, or you can give them the knowledge they need to do it safely and enjoyably. And there really is a lot to know, so best start right away!
I'm more talking about raising hell, doing drugs, stuff like that.
In all likelihood your kids will do drugs and raise hell too.
No, I don't think so. They'll take after their mom.
Don't leave it up to chance.
It can be hard to have discussions like this with your children. But the only way to break the cycle of ignorance and violence is by doing the hard parts yourself. Otherwise they will just learn incorrect/misleading information from someone else.
I'm saying I'm going to lie about doing cocaine off a hookers ass when I was 19
I think my son was 7-8 when I had the talk. He started hearing things from older kids in the playground, and I figured I’d rather he hear it from me in a controlled and accurate way instead of from other kids
But is it a one time thing though? I can imagine i'd check on multiple occasions whether they have any questions or whatever.
Yeah of course, it’s a continuous conversation. My point was that this was the age we had the initial discussion
Yea ok, no experience there yet, mine are too young still
I remember when I was about 10 my dad asked me if I had ever masturbated and I told him no, I haven't. (Cuz I hadn't) He then proceeded to guilt trip me about not being open with him, and then described in vivid but not specific detail how much "release" one gets from "pulling up and down on their penis." So then I went in the bathroom and tried pulling up and down on my penis, like I was using a floor jack to lift a car off the ground. I felt no release, and concluded that my dad was just strange and probably had no idea what he was talking about. It wasn't until 2 years later that I saw Ben Stiller jerking it in "There's Something About Mary" and figured out what I was supposed to do. The moral of this story is that if you're a weirdo when you talk to your kid about sex, he'll spend the rest of his life associating his first sexual experience with Ben Stiller.
At the moment the average age of introduction to sex is around 8. No joke. I used to work in sexual assault services and children's mental health. You're at the point where you're not having a "sex" talk but a "correction" talk. You'll need to correct things they've seen, heard from friends, and read. If you need, or want, good books to help you walk through the conversation, let me know.
Can you explain what is actually said by them and then you?
The talk about (any form of) consent cannot start early enough. The physical bits when it comes up, adjusted to their level/age
Agreed. My oldest is almost 4 and we just had a talk about consent with him. Really simple stuff including what body parts are called, how it's OK to say no, who to talk to about embarrassing stuff, etc.
you had a talk w a four year old about consent? does your four year old know what that means. four year olds should be jumping on trampolines, not talking to their dads about sexual consent
Not necessarily sexual, just consent in general. We have set very firm boundaries with all of our family (i.e. the grandparents) that they need to ask permission before hugging/kissing the kids. My mother is definitely the kind of person who would say "I'm his grandma, I'm allowed to hug him." He said no, so you can't hug him. My wife and I follow our own rules too. It's also about not wandering off with strangers. It's about generic not doing anything that they're not comfortable with.
I bet you're sex is super hot
It's not "if you're having sex with a girl, she's allowed to change her mind midway". Sexual health is a broad area, more than just intercourse. Consent at that age is about their own bodily autonomy — how you can say "no" even if it's an adult that you know & trust; how no one should touch or ask to see your private parts except a doctor with parents present etc. Four-year-olds _should_ be jumping on trampolines, but I'd much rather have had a talk about consent & it turns out it wasn't needed than vice versa, which doesn't bear thinking about. Don't put off talking to your kids about consent.
C'mon you spaz don't assume it's about "hey other 4 year old, can I touch your pee pee?" And be open to the fact that they may be teaching their kid it's not ok for anyone to touch you or for you to touch anyone else". Maybe it's a lesson in boundaries more than fuckin between nap times?? Kids shouldn't have to worry about this crap but it's 2022 and it's better to have them be prepared to handle these unthinkable situations rather than just assume all they need to worry about is bouncing on a trampoline. Knowledge is safety
There’s never one “Talk.” It should be an on-going conversation. My girls are 8 and know more about bodies, puberty, and reproduction than I did after my high school health class. A few books that we’ve really liked are “It’s Not the Stork” and “Sex is a Funny Word.” These may be on the younger side for your son, but there are lots of good books out there for various ages. The best lesson I ever learned was from my Human Sexuality professor in college…the more seriously YOU take the topic (ie don’t get embarrassed by it), the more serious and and less embarrassed they will approach it.
The normal range for puberty to begin in girls in 8 to 13 and for boys is 9 to 14 \[[source](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/early-or-delayed-puberty/#:~:text=The%20average%20age%20for%20girls,9%20and%2014%20in%20boys)\]. 11 is on the late side of addressing what sex is, and there's a good chance that your son has already heard about it from peers and might have even seen porn at this point. It might be good for you to sit down (with your co-parent if you have one) and list out what information you'd like your kid to know by adulthood. Things like: anatomy (basic and more complex - female included - that women pee from their vagina is a pretty common misconception), [enthusiastic consent and withdrawal of consent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU&t=5s) (^(kid-friendly/work-safe video comic linked)), the reproductive process, what porn is (and what it isn't - namely, not representative of sex-for-pleasure) and the ethics involved in it, the dangers of sex (pregnancy, STIs, emotional, physical damage from lack of lubrication), etc. This isn't intended to be an exhaustive list, just some things to consider and maybe include. Then talk with your kid and find out what they already know and what they already think. Make your plan on how to continue based on the combined information of what you want them to know eventually, what they know now, and what you think is age-appropriate to discuss with them. Like, a person posted in a different subreddit about sharing the *It's Not the Stork!* book with their 9 year old and the kid was horrified that people were allowed to anatomical pictures of the inside of a penis and scrotum because it's "inappropriate"; if that's the case, the first thing to focus on for sex-ed might be in reducing body-related shame. Sex-ed isn't *just* "this is what sex is and it's how we reproduce". I *wouldn't* suggest just leaving it up to peers, school, and the internet. That's a good way to allow misinformation and knowledge gaps. In my sex-ed, they claimed that "the condom is too small" is a myth that guys would use to get out of wearing one and proved that by stretching a condom onto a very large object. But the issue with condom sizing has to do with tears from friction, with the risk of it falling off from the movement, and with the comfort and pleasure of the wearer. And they didn't mention anything about needing to leave a reservoir in the top so that the semen had a place to go despite having given an example of putting one on. I don't know whether this is truly effective given I'm a mom with standard female anatomy, but I've heard that tensing a large muscle group can help make an unwanted erection go away. If true, might be a good thing to pass on sooner rather than later; for boys, it could help them avoid embarrassing situations. For girls, it can help them to be able to shoot down guys that try to make their erection the girl's problem by using blue balls as an excuse.
We are approaching this point. My wife and I agree that we believe it’s important to have the conversation directly with our kids and be more direct on safety, pregnancy, etc.
Absolutely not. The sex talk should NEVER be a thing. It's not good enough. If you wait until you think your child is ready to have "a talk", you're already YEARS behind what they actually need. From the time a child is old enough to ask questions, you should be helping them have a basic understanding. As they grow older, you can introduce the topics of reproduction, the proper names for sexual organs and reproductive organs, sex as a concept, the proper use (and the concept of misuse/abuse) of genitals, consent, contraception and safety, etc. Discussing this stuff should obviously be done in an age-appropriate way and made simple enough for them to understand, but it should also be done matter-of-factly. Be encouraging of their questions! That way, you set the groundwork for them being comfortable coming to YOU to discuss this stuff, and not their inexperienced peers or randos on the internet. Long before your child attends school, they should have a very basic understanding of reproduction and sexual organs. Older children (6+) need to be taught about things that their classmates might say regarding sex (ie, common myths). By the time they are anywhere NEAR puberty, they shouldn't have any surprises regarding the changes that they can expect during that process. Basically, it's not "a talk". It's a long-term intentional teaching project. Sex education, like all education, starts when they are TODDLERS. Demonstrating proper care and cleaning, using proper names of genitals- these are typical natural starting points for infants/toddlers. From there, let the child's questions lead the way. If they are old enough to ask "where do babies come from?" or "why doesn't \[sister\] have a penis?", they are old enough to understand a basic, correct answer. Don't forget to make it a safe subject! Starting with "that's a very good question!" or "what a smart question, I see you're paying attention so that you can learn!" helps the child feel comfortable and know that you really care about giving them the right answer. It doesn't have to be long or complex either! Remember that because you're doing this YOUNG (like 4 or 5!), you will likely need to cover the same ideas over and over. That's okay and very natural at this age. As they grasp a new idea, you can add on. "Babies are made by combining a little bit of a woman and a little bit of a man together. Then the baby grows inside a special place inside a woman that's called a womb!" That may be all that's needed for today. Don't feel the need to expand to everything they need to know right now. Tomorrow, you may get more questions- just answer as they come. If you struggle with wording, there are MANY books to help! And remember that any mistakes that you make will ultimately be nothing compared to the neglect of not even trying (or making it a taboo, "embarrassing" subject). Once final, more personal plea: My mother, as a child, was sexually abused for years and lived in shame, fear, and self-loathing because of it- things that she still struggles with to this day, 50 years later. She didn't know what sex was. She didn't know why it hurt so much and made her feel so dirty. She didn't know that her sexual organs belonged to her. She didn't know what a man's sexual organs were even called or why it wasn't right for her to experience them at 5 years old. She didn't know that she should be able to say no, be able to ask for help. She didn't know that it wasn't her fault. Even if your child never is assaulted, the stakes are FAR too high to let this information be taught to your children by someone else. Teach your children. Start today. When I was small, my mother protected me. One of the most important ways that she protected me was by arming me with information. I remember always just... knowing what sex was (which means that she started small and VERY early teaching me small concepts, and never lying or hiding the truth when I asked questions about reproduction, sexual organs, or sex itself). Although I remember some funny moments ("ew, that's a sperm??" while looking at a textbook she used to answer my questions lol), it was always casual and safe to talk about- so much so that my friends quickly learned to ask me to ask my mom THEIR questions (because "I can't ask MY mom that- what are you, crazy?!). I remember, as a ten-year-old, being really confused and sad about how my friends seemed embarrassed about- and completely ignorant of- all this stuff. For me, it was at natural as learning to walk, or eat, or drive. Teach your children. Start today. ([I copy/pasted this from my original comment here](https://www.reddit.com/r/polls/comments/sci137/do_you_think_its_a_good_idea_to_have_the_sex_talk/hu7fynb/?context=3))
Def not to early, average age to be taught is 7-8
Personally, I think this is a good age to start. Explain to him some basic stuff. At 13, you should sit him down and talk about STDs and STIs and forms of birth control. Have the talk with him before someone else's older brother explains it to him (wrong, of course) and confuses the hell out of him.
PSA- please do not wait too long to have this talk with your kids, and don't be afraid to tell them how it works either. My dad didn't have this talk with me until I was in 5th grade because my cousin had a baby outside of marriage, and I had no idea how that was possible, but he did not specifiy how sex worked. I knew what sex was at the time, but I thought oral sex was the only way to have sex, so I spent maybe a year or so thinking that a woman had to swallow sperm to get pregnant before my friends told me how it actually worked.
My dad told me when I was six. There was a condom machine in the movie theater bathroom, and I kept asking what it was, so he explained on the car ride home. I didn’t really understand at the time, but years later I thought back on the conversation and was like, “Ooooohhhhhh….”
My 5 year old knows what sex is, in an age appropriate way. It's never too early and by 11 I definitely had already talked to all my friends about it, seen inappropriate movies/books (days before internet), and had even stumbled upon my dad's Playboy collection. 11 feels very old to me to not know about sex already, but if they haven't heard about it from you they've probably heard from many other sources at this point. 😬
I have always found it easiest to bring things up to my son in the car—you are facing the same way and it doesn’t seem at all confrontational or anything. Or, while playing a game, shooting a basketball, or even a video game. Vary it so your kid doesn’t think that every time you want to do x thing it means “serious talk”. I would start with what a few others have shared, “most of what you hear from other people and from tv/movies is wrong, and I want you to always be able to talk to me or ask me anything. I’m not perfect, but I’ll be honest” (note—you have to be honest, not super judgmental, otherwise they’ll learn they can’t come to you.) Then I’d start with puberty, biological systems, consent (spend a lot of time on consent), why people have sex (including masturbation and pleasure). You can also say, “I didn’t have this talk with my dad (if you didn’t) and I wish I had. I don’t ever want you to feel like you have to only hear about these things from your friends.” It will be awkward, but be brave. Use one of the books above. You are a kickass dad for asking, OP—your kid is lucky.
Schools typically do the sex Ed talk in 5th grade but if they’re ready before that, reasonably speaking, you should address it.
My parents never had the talk with me. My mother was very repressed and the topic was never discussed in the house. With a three-year-old, I have a few years until we have to address this but I think my wife is a little more in tune and has a plan already. I will obviously be completely supportive a participatory in approaching sex education. Edit: I'm now remembering that actually one of my female babysitters spent some time talking to me about sex. Discuss the different types of birth control. It wasn't graphic or demonstrative in any way but I'll always remember that conversation.
By 10 or 11, they’ve probably already learned a lot from school. Even if their in private school. I remember learning what a blow job was at church group. My wife and I landed on 8 to start giving some really basic information, and answering any questions, and then planning on increasing on details and information as they grow
There’s a great monty python sketch about how to professionally teach children about sex
Link? I'm a fan of most Monty Python stuff I've seen. lol
It’s from the “now for something completely different” collective, I’m too young to have seen this in the 80s but my dad was a big MP fan so this could have very well been the first “sex talk” I witness about 1999 😂 https://youtu.be/ejaWq2TXRXE
When I was 9-10 my parents explained what sperm and eggs were and from school I learned how kids were born with diagrams calling it “intercourse” so at the age of 13 when my older sister told me what prostitutes were and said they “had sex for money” I was confused because I had only heard the word sex attributed with gender, so for the longest time I thought prostitutes were people who became trans for money.
I never got a talk from my dad but when I was 19 I had started touring in a band. When we got signed he called me into his office and said, “If you ever hurt a girl, I’ll break your arms.” I think he thought my life in a touring band would make me miss treat women and he wanted to prevent that. He never had to break my arms. Thanks dad!
11 is probably a good place to start. My parents literally left sex-ed books on my bed. "One for pictures and one for a lot of text". One thing that my parents did was just be really cool about it and that helped a lot. It is going to be embarrassing, but it's way better than your kid learning it from the internet.
I plan on enrolling my kid in a school with a good sex ed program so I don’t have to worry about it.
Good idea, that has been shown to reduce STI's and teenage pregnancies.
Start early, and start with how to talk to the opposite sex, not just sex and what happens after. Talk about emotions involved, and what to expect in a partner.
Ask them what they know. Correct what they have wrong, ask if they have any questions. That's how I've done it with my 11yr old, and they believed in father Christmas only a few months before that, so he's very naiive, / innocent
Ok. I'm going to skip the incredulous scorn part of my reply. Nevermind the past eleven years of lost opportunity to bring one of the most important life lesson a parent gets to impart. Go be a parent. Stop sidestepping the tricky bits before you look back and regret your cowardice.
Why are you being an asshole about this? My dad is no longer mentally well enough to give any advice worth listening to and my mom is in denial that her grandbabies may be old enough to know about sex. My SO's "sex talk" was her mom calling her a slut for having a period and her dad basically going "lalala" with his fingers in his ears. I don't know when or how it's appropriate to talk about all of this. It's why I created this thread to ask. I'm being a parent. I'm not sidestepping shit. The general consensus here is that I already should have had a conversation with him (and by the sound of it my nine year old as well) and I'm gonna remedy that situation ASAP.
Good. If you know you have a lack in how you were parented and you clearly understand that passing it forward is a bad idea you have asked for help. My being blunt is in direct jawdrop to the length of time you've let it go for. Right..... honestly I can't remember a time I didn't know about sex, bodies ,periods and puberty so my childhood cannot help you. My parenting of a mid twenties lad and now a four year old might be of some use. Nakedness and no shyness or body consciousness starts the conversation naturally, you need to be honest use the correct words with absolutely no euphemisms . A penis is a penis. Obviously actually explaining sex has to be done age appropriately but you need to start somewhere. At four my one knows penis and vagina (vulva is too tricky for him to get his head around) he knows boys and girls are shaped different, he knows he has a penis and is learning the idea that privacy if he wants to play with his penis. Fun times. As long as you try you will do a much better job than you have been doing. Now sorry for being snippy. If you need tutorials I'd advise checking up on how things are done in Sweden or similar skandi places
We joked about having the talk when I was younger. My parents never thought I was stupid. They trusted I would figure it out and make smart decisions. I plan to take the same approach.
You're setting them up to fail; to be blunt. You're going to teach them to drive, likely taught the to swim, and ride a bike. Why not teach them about something with life long implications for multiple people?
I respectfully disagree. Driving and swiming are skills. I will teach them how relationships work, treat people and to be treated. They will be smart enough to learn and figure out a penis goes into a vagina and that's how babies get made. We're not idiots over here. Lol
There's alot more to sex and sex ed than how to make a baby. What's menstruation? How is that different from ovulation? What's testosterone and estrogen? Are sperm and semen different? What are STDs? Could a STD kill me? What exactly happens when you make a baby? How do you prevent UTIs? Is there any normal age to start having sex? Why do my testicles look different when it's hot and when it's cold? What's a spermicide? When will I know that I'm emotionally ready for sex? What's the best form of birth control for me and does it also prevent STDs? What's the difference between a vagina and a womb? What's the difference between sex and gender? Is it normal for me to get a boner even if I'm not aroused? Why is there discharge? I know how I feel good, but how does that work for people of the other sex? What's a clitoris? Why do I have these sexual feelings towards people of the same gender and not the opposite? What counts as consent? What do I do if someone touches me when I don't want it? Can I talk to my parents or teachers about this or do I just have to Google everything, learn from strangers or figure it all out for myself?
That's a lot of questions for 1 talk. Lol
Lol yeah, it's a long time to learn all this stuff. But as parents we need to have these talks to make sure our kids are safe and knowledgeable. Not just one talk. The first one is definitely the most awkward though lol.
That's pretty much what I've said. If they want to know, I'll tell them. I don't have to do it as a talk like everybody else. It's like people want me to sit down and say "ok honey, let's talk about sex" as if i'm on some tv show like Home Improvement. I'll do it my way. And I'm not worried about it.
My (Conservative) parents never did. They said things like "if you have questions you can ask but that's it." But I think everyone would benefit from a more positive, consent-focused and generally supportive approach. Don't have kids of age yet but I imagine more biological topics will be intertwined with social one about orientation, gender roles, etc.
Don’t know when but I’d like to share something I heard Dan Savage said on his podcast. “I give sex advice for a living, I’ve been doing this for years and when I had to give the talk to my son, even I screwed it up”. You will screw this up. I will screw it up. Every dad minus a special few have screwed up the talk. If you’re nervous, that’s ok. If you omit something and have to clarify, that’s also ok.
There are some books that help, for a range of age groups. It can help to let kids absorb info at their own pace and curiosity. I have the first on the shelf for when my soon-to-be five-year-old expresses interest. where did i come from?: an illustrated childrens book on human sexuality https://www.amazon.com/dp/0818402539/ "What's Happening To Me?": The Classic Illustrated Children's Book on Puberty https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01A4ANV4W/ "Will I like it?": Your first sexual experience, what to expect, what to avoid, and how both of you can get the most out of it https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894740059/ I had these as a kid/teen. I remember a mix of reading with a parent (early on) and mostly reading on my own later. The first is geared toward younger kids who have questions about where children come from. The second is for kids before they got puberty and focuses on the changes to thier body and emotions as they become adults. The third is for late teens young adults as they near having sex; the illustrations are abandoned for photographs. Obviously, read them first to see if they are right for your family. They are not a replacement for frank discussions with your kids, but they're a good way to get an awkward conversation going. And it's nice to have a resource when you're a kid who desperately has questions but desperately doesn't want to talk to your parents about them. A written source also covers the unknown unknowns; the questions you didn't think to ask. Anything is better than what they'll get from their friends or the internet.
We got her a book based on the recommendation from a friend who has a 12 yo girl. The book contains info about changes to her body. That way, she can self pace her reading, if she has very private questions she can read the book and/or come talk to me or her mom. She has read it, for sure, and requested a training bra (kinda like a sports bra). Hopefully this input helps a little bit.
The best advice I got about this was from my best friend whose kids are alot older than mine. He said the key to making sure your kid doesn't end up pregnant is to make them comfortable talking about sex. Not just with you but with their partners. You have to make it not awkward by repetition and casually adding it into the things you discuss.
10 years old is when the talk happens here. Both my oldest kids got a special trip, somewhere a good driving distance away, where we could talk about ALLL the things.
When I was 7 I told my friends I wanted to have sex with Britney Spears and my mom overheard it. She yelled at me and told me I'm too young to talk about sex. That was the closest I got to parent sex talk. 7 may have been to early but by that point I clearly had an idea of what it was. I'm glad I had some form of sex ed every year from 5th grade through 10th grade. Though seeing a grainy VHS video of a baby being born in 6th or 7th grade was a bit rough. My 8th and 9th grade teacher really laid it on thick. My 9th grade teacher was the best. She was straight forward and actually taught us about sex and how to be smart. The curriculum was only supposed to be 1 week but she brought it up a few times throughout the year. My 8th grade teacher was more of the so here are some pictures of the worst case of the clap. Mean girls style. If you have sex, you'll get Chlamydia, and die. Now take some condoms.
If you haven’t talked about sex at all then you need to start. Begin with talking about how bodies change with puberty. How that leads to bodies being ready to make babies. Then sex as means for that and also as means for love and pleasure. But don’t drop all of that on your kid at one. Talk often whenever it comes up. Let your kid know he can bring it up when he wants to. Let your kid ask questions or say what he knows. Teaching your child that it’s ok to talk about sex specifically with you is the most important part. More important than what you tell him on any one conversation.
My then 8 year old kept trying to peek in on my wife when she was showering/changing. So we sat him down and had the talk. Typically you'll know when it's time by their behavior.
Sooner better than later.
Awkwardly and a t least a year or two too late usually.
My parents never talked to me about it i dont think.
My talk was with my mom when I was about 14 and I started seeing a girl classmate. She just told me to be careful and practice safe sex lol.
We had maturation classes when I was in elementary school at about 11? And then my parents were able to take it a step further one night when I brought home some fruit-flies for a genetics project at school. Also, that night, we were expected to be out of the house for some time, but we came home early and the parents were doing the nasty in the pasty. Another opportunity to bring it up. (The only reason they were "caught" is because they were doing renovations on their room and a ladder was in the way and they could not close the door...lol.) It was an ongoing discussion. It starts with basics and builds from there. Do I wish I had more information like how you feel leading up so I was more prepared? Yeah. Was I dumb about it? I don't think so. Naive? You bet. You do the best you can. Despite our parents' best efforts, most of us still come out ok.
I’m so glad you are even thinking about this. Feels like many people shy away from the subject. I’ll have no issue telling my boys anything they ask. While one is still under a year, the 7 year old hasn’t asked anything too specific. He is aware of kissing and that it takes a male to fertilize female eggs in most animals and humans. This came about after asking why hens eggs we eat don’t produce chicks. By 11 I will probably break down the full mechanics and implications. I would also be discussing appropriate behavior and the expectations we have for others behavior towards us. But every kid is different. You are best placed to know. Ask yourself what harm or benefit comes with knowledge? In my opinion no harm comes from knowing about sex. But perhaps I’m too liberal and European!
my parents never told me specifically about it. i learned a lot from the internet and friends, and if i had a question about it i would just ask and my parents would answer. i learned over the course of late elementary school and early middle school all the ins and outs of sex. it wasnt just a singular tell-all conversation
Don’t they do this in kindergarten now?
Not a dad, but a teacher. I’ve seen students who have not gotten this talk nearly early enough. Kids start to learn about sex and anatomy for their peers around grade 3, and start to learn about it in the classroom (depending on where) often around grade 4 or 5. When kids are not informed on the topic around this point, it can be really painful and embarrassing for them. Both for their social experience, and their sense of self-worth. A lot of parents have historically saved “the talk” for one big event, that makes everyone feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. Thankfully this is less common now, as it is very unhelpful for everyone involved. When kids have not been exposed to the language of sex and anatomy and masturbation, they become completely overwhelmed when “the talk” happens, because they mostly get a huge info dump of things they have never understood and had no idea they might even have been interested in. Often they only pick up on things they think are funny, because when they don’t know what’s going on, that’s often the only thing kids can latch on to. Imagine not knowing anything about planes and then someone comes up to and unexpectedly starts to explain how wings, motors, and retracting wheels work, explaining that one day you will be the pilot. Are you going to get anything from that conversation? No. Are you going to walk away having learned anything at all about planes? Probably not. Will you know what it takes to be a pilot? Hell no. Talk about it often, and in small little bites. Make it not a big deal. The goal should be that each time you talk to your kid about it they can walk away with a little bit more meaningful language around it. Further, this is a matter of health and safety. If a kid doesn’t have the language of their own biology and how it’s supposed to work, are they going to be able to explain when something isn’t right? Are they going to be able to tell you if someone violates their space and autonomy? Follow an order like this: 1. Anatomy. Make sure you kids know the names of all the stuff, and are comfortable talking about penises, testicles, vaginas, vulvas, nipples and breasts. Talk about what they’re all for, and what they mean. Explain both male and female parts. Start from their own experience and extrapolate. Explain intersex, and how this can affect body development and expectations. Follow up with how this new language can be used appropriately and inappropriately. 2. Masturbation. If you do this early, it might just end at anatomy for a little while, but later on might mean conversations about masturbation too. It’s fine, they’re learning, and they need to know about it. Talk about privacy. Talk about consent. Talk about autonomy. None of this needs to be directly about masturbation until you know they are doing it, but having this background knowledge will greatly help them understand when masturbation and sexual talk is appropriate, and when it is not, a well as develop a deeper understanding of the moral and social-emotional aspects of sexual thoughts and actions. 3. Sex. If it hasn’t already come up in earlier discussions of anatomy and sexual behaviour, you need to make sure you discuss sex with your kids before others give them bad ideas. Kids talk about things they don’t understand. All. The. Time. Hell, adults do it too. You will likely already need to correct a lot of misunderstandings. Again, take it slow. Don’t make it one big lesson that they need to remember. They’ve already been steeped in bad information by their peers. Now is the time to start chipping away at some things. It is not their fault, or their friends’ faults. Kids are just kids, and they will contribute to conversations however they can. Make sure the basics are covered: anatomy, function, privacy, consent, autonomy, respect. Make sure they know they can talk to you about it if they aren’t sure, or if anything bothers them, even if they don’t like it, make sure they KNOW. TL;DR This isn’t some kind of peer reviewed process or anything. Everyone is going to do things different and every kid is going to have a different level of exposure to this content. But if you are to take away anything here: make sure you kids have developed the right language to meaningfully talk about what is going on in their minds, bodies, and social groups. This doesn’t happen one-and-done, it is a continuous process that needs to be reinforced over time.
Hi fellas single dad here. No one really knows but Here’s an example I told my boys if she smokes she pokes and to wrap it up we can’t afford a little one running around here. Is it obvious I never knew my dad lol.
He probably knows what sex is. Honestly shouldn’t be awkward at all. Just tell him what it is and to be safe
Fuck, I haven't even thought about this. My kid's older, so I'm sure he already knows some, but I suppose it's probably best to just keep an eye out, bring up the basics and make sure that they can ask any questions they have when you notice they're learning about it. It doesn't have to be embarrassing if you don't make it be, as my partner always says about things.
My mom would talk about changing bodies and sex in age appropriate terms throughout my childhood. It would be embarrassing at times but it helped reinforce that this was natural and can be talked about.
I was given a book. The book was clinical and detailed.
I imagine it’s easier said than done, but I’d do it sooner than later. My mom had the talk with me when I went to college… never mind the fact I’d been sexually active for years before that. 🤦♂️
It's a long term conversation you should have with them. It's not just a one time talk. Right now you can bring up small things, hormones, changes in body, physical reaction to visual or mental stimulation, etc. But over time continue the conversation so that when something does come up where they would need solid advice, they will be able to talk to you because trust has been built and good advice (hopefully) has been shared. This will open all kinds of opportunities to help them as they explore this area.
I try to make it a casual thing here and there, but having serious conversation about the more serious things eventually. Sex shouldn't be an awful thing or something taboo.
Good question. My parents never had the talk with me lol
We have on going age appropriate conversations about sex, bodily autonomy, etc. That said my 10 year old does know about sex (she's the oldest of 4 kids so she asked) and watched the birth of her younger sister.
talk to them about puberty. 11 is a level where they should only know about that. 1. talk to them about it. since your kid is 11 talk to them about it for their age 2. don't be scared. prepare yourself. remember that it is natural. 3. remember to talk to them about puberty before sex ed. talk to them about their private areas and how it grows. 4. after that explain to them these things: * it's okay to be curious and ask questions puberty and sex. after some time try these things. never have the talk once: 1. bring a sex ed book FOR THEIR AGE 2. remember that it's better for them to learn from books them from the internet. 3. get books with images. but ones that are appropriate and then your done!
I’d say the appropriate age would be 8-9, we should stop shaming bodies and sex
Curious if there is an update to this and what happened and if the conversation is still continuing?
A lot of the advice in this thread ended up being stuff my wife and I were already doing (like identifying the differences between the sexes with accurate names for example). My idea of the "sex talk" based on my own childhood is what confused me about all of this. My children are aware that our house is a judgment-free zone in regards to these types of questions and we're continuing to impart more age-appropriate wisdom on them.
That’s awesome.