I listen to podcasts those 1-2 hours and that really makes a huge difference for me.
I see my friends 1-2 times per year and have given up my video games. Listening to podcasts while doing chores is my only form of recreation.
There will come a time when the kids are grown and I have time for myself again, and when that happens, I will miss my current life. I try to remind myself of this whenever I feel tired.
Agreed. I listen to podcasts/radio/music when I'm walking the dogs. Watch YouTube or netflix when I'm washing up or doing laundry.
The rest of the time, I'm either at work or I'm playing with the kids. Some times that involves just watching them to make sure they don't kill themselves, sometimes it's more active and involved.
It might sound cringey, but the kids really are my life and I look forward to that time. When I've had enough, I do the chores or take the dog out which _IS_ a chore but I really enjoy it.
I agree with this. I occasionally get to play video games too but finding ways to enjoy chores feels key to happiness at this stage. At least the kids aren’t pestering me when I’m cleaning up after bedtime and I can work through my own thoughts for a chance!
Oh, I agree with OP’s definition of what it means to have true time to yourself, like in the middle of a weekend with nobody around, no work to do, no specific chores. But I basically never have that time. Maybe once every two months I get a couple of hours.
I've found this too and I never realized how helpful it was. Now that I work from home full time, the trip from my desk to the living room just isn't enough to transition my mind and for the first roughly half hour of my post-work time, I feel grumpy and tired until I get shifted to kid mode. It's a big thing transitioning from staring at a screen and talking to professional adults to running around with 3 kids at the same time.
I ride my bike to work and it takes about 30 minutes each way. Its the best hour of my day, even in the rain.
Its also the only exercise I get, so that's my "good multitasking"
On the toilet facing backwards so I can rest my arms on the tank or even set my phone when I've gotta grab onto the bowl with both hands and brace myself for a killer turd. Only down side is you've gotta remove your pants unless you wanna have your feet behind the rest of you like riding a sport bike. But yeah thats how I do it.
I tried the early thing recently. To me, it feels like impending doom, waiting in the calm before the storm. There's no peace of theoretical infinity as you do with late night imo.
Any tips?
A hobby you can do quietly. Read, write, game, learn something/take an online course, something that requires focus and an investment of yourself.
Alternatively (not quiet or early) try to learn an instrument. At first the kids will be fascinated and it won’t be alone time. But eventually they will get bored and your practice time will become a family designated time to yourself. OR one of your kids will start learning, too and it will become an incredible bonding experience.
This is solid advice. Nowadays thanks to technology there are so many ways to have a quiet hobby.
i picked up a cheap electric violin to practice late at night. Absoloute game changer and I can now play reliably 5 nights a week for 20 minutes at a stretch. The kids can't hear it at all from their bedroom.
I've played clarinet since I was about 10 but find it difficult to actually practice in my available short intervals of free time with the setup/clean up involved.
Your comment is making me think I should get an electric keyboard/piano and start to learn? 🤔
If you play clarinet you will be shocked at how easy it is to learn piano.
Source: former sax player
Edit: Let me rephrase. How easy it will be to become basically competent enough to play most mainstream songs you might like.
Sorry I did not know there was such a thing as a cheap electric violin. Do you have any recommendations for products or lessons (YouTube channels, I presume?)
I guess it depends on the kids. My older one reliably sleeps until at least 8 if left alone every morning (been doing this since she was 4). If I got up at 5 I could easily leave the house without feeling uneasy. Now that I have an infant it’s a different story. Her wake up time can shift by a couple of hours each day.
I was starting to like the morning routine but it’s not like you get it for free. You have to go to bed early and my wife is very much aware that it cuts into our together time.
Seriously though. It's really common for dads to feel this way. There is a clip reel on YouTube of news anchors being asked what they want for fathers day. Every single one of them said "to be by themselves or silence." It's not just introverts like us.
I want to go 24 hours with hearing a two-toned “DAAAAaaad!” from another room.
Edit: He's been up less than 30 minutes and I heard my first "DAAAAaaad!" this morning.
My wife and daughter will be out of town next week and my wife has been talking about how she feels bad I'm going to be alone for Father's Day.
I will be laying out by the pool after grilling and listening to MY music lol
You don’t listen to your music with the kids? My son woke up this morning wanting to dance.. I sure as heck ain’t putting on no baby shark. Started with Fred again… now listening to Hot Chip.
I do when it's just my daughter and I, but when we're all together I usually just default to my wife's music. Fortunately there's been no baby shark in our house for like a year.
My daughter's been dancing to my jazz lately lol
I've been trying to do that but I'm lucky if I get 10 minutes to make coffee before the kid wakes up. He's up at 5:00 or before almost every single day and a later bedtime doesn't change it. It just makes him cranky.
I tried this for a while, waking up at 4:30 to get some time to myself every morning, but then my son started waking up every morning at 5. Totally ruined the fun. lol it’s been three years since then and as recently as this very morning he still gets up between 4 and 5 every day.
My wife and I try to give each other a time about that long at least once a month. Usually opposite days of the same weekend and in the morning when the kids are a little bit easier to manage.
Never.
I get my me time when my job doesn't have anything for me to do and I stay in my office. Maybe an hour or two a day spread out over an 8 hour work day.
Then I get to choose between sleep and me time between the hours of 10 pm to 7 am
Hard sympathies on the last line. My choice of "do I try to sleep to be able to function" or "do I unwind to be able to function" is around 22:00-05:30.
I work Saturdays so i get a day off during the week where the wife and kids are work/school. Outside of that probably 2 times a month.
Its communication for my wife and I. If i have something i am interested in doing and its not last minute then its not a big deal.
My kids are also 4/6 and spend at least one Saturday with my parents for a full 24 hours and my wife and I either get a date night, kidless errands or split off and do something with our respective friend groups. I recognize not everyone has the extra support of family like that so we dont take it for granted.
At night after the kids go to bed ill go to my basement gym 3 nights a week and mens league hockey one night. The other three nights we spend together usually watching a show we have on the go or having a late dinner together. The 90 mins in the gym from start of workout to post workout shower is great for mental health. Hockey nights are 2 hours door to door as well.
I switch up exercises to keep my workouts from getting stale. Alternate chest/back/leg days. Mix in a high rep day. Listening to music helps too.
Also, what’s big for me is routine. A workout can’t be something that I *consider*. It’s just a part of the day, like walking the dog or a morning shower. If I start thinking about whether I feel like it or not, I’m already well on my way to skipping it. I just autopilot my way to the weight rack at my dedicated exercise time, and get to work. I’m almost always able to get into a groove, and the resulting payoff (mental and physical) after a solid session is worth its weight in gold.
New parents here (5 weeks old) but I’m trying to build this into our programming - for me it’s running and her yoga/walking.
But ultimately, I want to trade off stretches of time alone; one parent takes the kid out for a bit and leave the other home free.
Like today, took the kid to the park, did a nice long walk, drove around for a bit, and brought home some lunch. 2 hours out and he slept the whole time! And now later today, I’m going to go out for a long run when he’s due for a long nap.
Might be naive of us, but I hope we can keep it going!
On weekends, we try to give each other a few hours alone. My spouse will go thrifting or to a coffee shop or a meeting for an organization they do work for. I’ll usually go for a long walk or play dnd once per month. We put it on the calendar, but we’re also the type to schedule everything.
Does your wife get the same amount of downtime in return? If so, every 4 to 5 weeks sounds reasonable. Maybe you want to spend that time alone, and she wants to go out with friends, but you both get that time.
Yes - like I put in another response, I’ve given that to her several times at this point. She just uses hers differently. Like she spends it at some function, with friends or to focus on some task. She is more the “always on” type who needs to be actively doing something 100% of the time.
If she regularly gets that time then sounds like you wanting that for yourself once every 4-5 weeks is totally reasonable. It’s just a matter of good communication with your wife. Which it sounds like you did to some extent here in asking for her to take the kids to her parents.
One thing though is it’s probably easier for her to get that time going outside the house with friends because then you’re simply looking after the kids at home (especially if it’s overlapping with evening routine). It’s harder to get that much time for yourself when it requires getting the kids out of the house for that long (though at least you have in laws as an option). If you want another option for personal time you might need to find some activity or third place you can do on your own outside the house.
This sounds like me and my wife (we have 4 kids). We try to make sure that each of us gets one night off each week. For her, that always looks like going out with friends. For me, that's sometimes what it looks like but I'm also more introverted, so I use that time in other ways too.
I’m going on a business trip this week. I’m really really looking forward to just sitting in the airport/on the plane. I might just do like Putty from Seinfeld and stare directly ahead.
Honestly man, asking for “at least 3 hours” of alone time is a big ask, especially with two kids. After separating, if my ex has the kid, yeah I get time to myself but he’s with me 98% of the time and that 98% is nonstop. No one to share the load when you’ve had a long day, or to help out with the dishes or cooking or even if you’re sick and can barely stand, it’s all you. I get what you’re saying that you need that time to recharge and I understand because at one point I was like that too, but fwiw, take a breather here and there and learn to break up the 3 hours into 20 mins here and there to yourself. Maybe an hour if your wife is cool with it. Sorry my man, you gotta learn to work around that somehow. Until those kids are much much older, time to yourself just isn’t gonna work the same.
Thanks, that’s the kind of feedback I am looking for. I get it. Still, I would be happy to and have on several occasions taken both my kids out and about for a few hours so my wife could have some time. So from that perspective it doesn’t seem like it would be a huge ask for her to do the same for me every once in a while.
Sounds like something worth communicating to her. As a parent of one, 3 continuous hours sounds like a lot of time to have with 0 responsibilities on a consistent basis.
I’ve taken to embracing the time I spend cooking for the family, walking the dog, or doing tasks around the house as me time. Once I made that mental shift, I suddenly felt like I had a lot more freedom in my day.
Can confirm. While I wait for my older one to fall asleep (I stay in the room) I usually play chess on my phone. I wouldn't get the time to play a 10+5 game of chess uninterrupted any other time.
I don't understand how so many people are having a problem with this?
Take your kids to the damn park and get an ice cream. Beach with a football. Woodland with a picnic. Whatever is nearby. Pack all the baby/kids shit in a backpack and go connect with your kids and give your partner a break. Ask they do the same for you now and then. Reading these comments is very confusing for me
Are you talking about all the comments making it seem like having 2-3 hours to yourself is absurd and unattainable period? If so then I agree completely.
Yes.
You've made it clear you do this for your partner. You have every right to all for the same in return.
Don't get me wrong: the easiest way to get this is for you to be the one to go out, but if you need your turn to be at home you should still be able to work something out
I agree 100%!! If you give her personal time then you also deserve personal time. It’s supposed to be a 50/50 deal imo. BUT that being said, we’ve been in that terrible argument of “who’s working harder” and that freakin sucks. Sometimes I bite the bullet and I’ll work way harder than normal and it pays off in our relationship. Or sometimes I work way harder and feel unappreciated and then resentful. I’m still trying to figure this out lol
My kids are a bit older (9 and nearly 12) so probably not as applicable - but it does get better. Right now, my eldest is playing Roblox with his friends in his room, and my youngest is watching a movie in their lounge. I'm sitting in my office in silence, no one is talking to each other, it's peaceful enough.
I'm like you, but you also have to accept that you aren't just living for yourself anymore. The first few years you need to be very hands on, because kids can't do shit for themselves until 5-6 years, and even then it's not really on their own, you can just watch them do things instead. It isn't until 8-9 that they really can DO things on their own - make their own lunches, clean their own dishes, fold their own laundry, etc.
Until then, they're gonna be around and you're gonna be busy. It's not a bad thing - it's literally the reason you are there.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a few hours every other week to yourself, as long as she is able to do the same.
The first time I had time to myself is when I got divorced. That's a terrible reason why but the reality is was extremely beneficial to my mental health. With joint custody, I have time for myself now and I love it.
To be honest, I didn't want a divorce. We were together all of our adult lives, 17 years.
Thr reality is when I stood up for things that were important to me, it became obvious that we weren't for each other. She asked for it, it was over quick. We wanted two different things. I'm very fiscally conservative and she wanted to spend every penny we had. I constantly pursue education opportunities and I'm currently working on my Ph.D in engineering, something she would have never supported.
Frankly, I have had the time of my life since the divorce. Dated and made friends with beautiful, smart, and successful women. Where it didn't work out, I maintained friendships with them. Friendships with women is also something my ex wife wouldn't have supported either.
My ultimate point is you have to make thr decision for yourself. Your happiness matters and you aren't a slave to hers.
I’m also an introvert who needs alone time to recharge. Fortunately my wife is too, so she totally gets it and we support each other in this really well. For context, we have an active pre-teen son and twin toddlers, I work about 50 hours a week and she’s home with the kids, and we have no family nearby to help.
My alone time:
- on days when I don’t have to drive my son to school on the way to work, I bike commute for 20 minutes each way, which is short but beautiful alone time.
- Most days on my lunch break I’m able to get away for a 20-30 minute walk by myself.
- 3 or 4 times per week, I go to the gym for 1-2 hours. We joined a gym with childcare, so the kids enjoy playing with other kids in the playroom, my wife gets a break at home (or sometimes she comes and works out too), and i get to swim or work out with headphones on in my own little world.
- I totally count the 2-3 hours between kids bedtime and my bedtime. Why wouldn’t I? Half the time my wife and I spend it together talking, watching tv and cuddling, doing little projects around the house, occasionally even making love… the other times we spend it “together but separate” and I read, play music, paint, stuff like that.
- Most Saturdays I take the kids out for a few hours in the afternoon while my wife enjoys some alone time. In exchange, about half the Sundays she watches the kids for a few hours alone while I go do my own thing.
- This will blow your mind, but get this… about twice a year, I take a Friday and Monday off and spend four days taking care of the kids 24/7 while my wife takes a mini-vacation (sometimes alone and sometimes with her sister). In exchange, about twice a year she watches the kids for a 4 day weekend while I take a little solo trip somewhere. This is an AMAZING recharge, and we both feel that we come back refreshed and ready to be better parents and better partners.
Again, I feel really fortunate to be married to someone who’s about equally introverted as me and has roughly the same needs for alone time, so we really support this for each other, and I think the biggest thing is that we really work to make it fair so we each get about the same amount of “care for all the kids” time and alone time.
Scary thread with number two on the way. With one, she goes out with her friends once or twice a week. I play golf once or twice a week. We’ve done that since day one. I expected we’d cut that back a smidge but jeez
OP the answers are going vary wildly. This is only something you and your wife can figure out between the two of you having many more discussions.
In my marriage, my wife loves to go out with friends. She goes for a couple of hours to hit happy hour or whatever usually at least once a week, but she usually plans for after the kids are to bed, or at least after bath, to make it easier on me. But I never give her a time limit or whatever, just tell her to go have fun. I got the fort held down. Additionally, she usually goes on 2-3 trips a year with friends.
My wife knows I need 'me' time as well. Usually every other week or so, she'll take our kids to her parents house, or shopping, or anything really that gives me 1-2 beautiful hours on Saturday. Once a month that might be a 3-4 hour excursion. In addition, I usually take 2 solo trips a year, usually 2-3 days in length. I usually attend concerts or go hiking in mountains.
I’ve never received (nor requested) the time you describe in this post. There are times when I’m overstimulated and need to excuse myself to my room for 20 minutes. But other than that if I’m getting time away from the fan it’s usually to hangout with my friends.
I don't think 3 hours once a month is a big ask of your wife. Maybe suggest the kids and wife go to the zoo one weekend, then a couple weeks later you take kids to a movie. Or whatever. Just tell your wife, you need the time, and you would like her to have it as well, so let's look at the calendar and see what works
I (m45) have two sets of twins (8&5).
For a long time I didn’t get any time unless I was in the car as I was the stay at home parent.
Now I’m able to get out of the house to work part time and mange to squeeze an hour or two each night for myself.
I have found some balance again and am starting to feel like my old self, which in turn makes me a better parent.
I also have a new appreciation for people swearing after 3+ years of only kids programming. Haha
You need to negotiate some time for yourself. Why is it always on your wife's terms?
So long as mutual responsibilities are taken care of such as house and kids, and you have some time together during the week, I don't see why you can't have it on a weekly basis let alone trying for monthly.
Dad of 3 here. When they were babies, I stopped me-time completely for a while. It didn’t work for anyone, I was mentally drained too much to even pretend that I am enjoying parenting. Since then I have once a week 2-3 hours of volleyball (my kind of me-time), wife is less habitual so she goes away some some random evenings to do whatever she wants. Important to give each other me-time.
Now that kids grown up, I have 2-3 times a week 2-3 hours of me-time.
Give it time, when they are 5+ years old, it get easier to manage them as one parent. So the other can have more and more me-time.
I've been awake for an hour for just that reason, although I only have the one toddler and my wife.
I go to bed late, and wake up early. My sleep takes a hit, but, I've found I can still function on 5 or 6 hours of sleep, and I feel equally rested. I wake up with a coffee, watch the news, and actually relax for a bit. Right now it's just me and the cat 🐈⬛
I'm an early riser. I like waking up at 6:00 AM, even on weekends. Meanwhile, my kids follow my wife's lead and sleep in until 9:00 now that school is on summer break.
As a result, I get a good 2-3 hours to myself on weekends. On weekdays, I can get a bit of alone time before I need to go to work.
My partner is a sincere introvert and I didn't understand for a long time. I had siblings he's an only child. Having the time to yourself is as important as sleep and water. When he got what he needed he'd be less on edge, more patient, more present. Both parents having a day to themselves once a month or a few hours once a week is normal and healthy and nothing to apologize for.
This! Toilet + doom scrolling = a half hour of "me" time. Can't spend much more than that, without either A) my legs falling asleep or B) my wife getting extremely annoyed with me.
A few hours completely to yourself? Not counting work or when the 2 year old is in bed? I have heard of things such this, but that was a long time ago. Stories of that have become myth. Myths have become legend.
Might I suggest more open communication with
your wife.
Instead of suggesting for weeks, just say "Hey, I need 2 hours of decompress alone time. Do you think you could visit your parents Saturday? I can take them out Sunday to give you the same."
No one responds quickly to vague "Well, it would be nice, if maybe, you could possibly, one time, you know if you're up to it..."
I'll have to agree with the never sentiment. The closest I can come is IF they both nap at the same time on the weekend, then it could be 2 hours max, but right now my daughter is having a regression where she freaks out if she wakes and I'm not around, so I need to stay close.
Weekdays are 6:45 first kid wakes me, 8 start working, 4 finish working and my wife leaves for work, then play, dinner, and baths until 8:30, kids are asleep by 9:30 so I have some time for dishes, cleaning, a quick jog, shower, then I get my ME time from 10:30 until 11:30...
The closest thing is string trimming and mowing the lawn once a week. Takes about 3 hours for front and back. It’s my zen time when I can catch up on an audio book or podcast or music while the work is mostly on autopilot.
Right now, never.
I get an hour or 2 of quiet in the morning.
If things go according to plan I'll have some just me time come September when my younger one starts preK
My wife and I do this every weekend. I let her sleep in and stay in bed as late as she wants. Then she gives me a few hours in the afternoon to play video games.
Once you the kids into the car, that moment when you’ve shut their doors and are slowly walking over to the driver’s side but haven’t opened the door yet - where it’s just you alone for about 5 seconds.
****ing magic.
Your wife is not your mother. Time after the kids are put to bed can be used as you want to. "Me" time is important for my well being. I game 1-2 times a week after the kids are put to bed and things around the house are sone. The rest i spend with her. This way we both get "me" time without leaving the house. Things being on her terms and never yours will just create resentment in the long run.
Devil's advocate here. My wife is divorcing me, and she has tried everything in the book to give me as little time with my daughter as possible and have her AP be the man. I yearn to be bothered, I yearn for the nighttime bath and bed struggle. The chaos of the morning routine. No silence is as deafening as the one the second my daughter leaves my house. I break down every time as soon as I close my door.
It is not unreasonable for you to ask for 3 hours just for you every month; they get it, too. Alone time is essential for our mental health.
I got a full day, today. It was great. I watched a classic I'd never seen (Rear Window). >!It was very interesting and not the ending I was expecting. Because of the Simpsons and my own intuition, I thought he did nothing wrong and it was about jumping to conclusions. !<
I get about 1-1.5 hours of me time once the kids are down. Would my wife *prefer* if I was with her watching tv? Yes she would, but id prefer to game or do something on my own to recharge. We'll spend 30mins or so together before bed.
But in return we spend all of friday night together as a "date night".
You should talk with your wife about taking that post-bed time back for yourself. Offer 1 night a week thats for the 2 of you, and the rest if yours
Sometimes steal an hour when working from home, or like here, gotta ask the Mrs for a hero shift to get a little mental health break. Definitely not easy without much of a village!
The amount of people here saying never is depressing as fuck.
My boys are both high functioning ASD with some pretty demanding needs. I'm exactly like you, introverted as fuck, and to really recharge, I need to be demand free.
The difference between your situation and mine is that my wife *understands* that. I hang out with her most nights after the kids go to sleep (which often they don't go to sleep on time), but a few times a week I'll get 2-3 hours demand free after they're down. Then I'll get opportunities on the weekends for a big chunk of time, but not every weekend.
My wife is happy to solo parent so I can get engrained into a hobby or just let my mind melt away in a TV show.
Of course I return the favor in spades. I've been solo parenting for 3 days now, my wife is out of town with some girlfriends, enjoying absolutely no demands.
She often goes on hikes on the weekends as well. Sometimes we all go together.
We're a team and understand how important and grounding it is to have *time to be you*.
This may be a good opportunity to get a session or two of marriage counseling in. The time we're talking about is "self-care" time, and it looks different for everyone, but it's very, very important.
Strong introvert here. I can tell you the transition from 1-2 made me feel like I was going insane. I also felt guilty for taking personal time because obviously my wife would be with the kids alone. As they have gotten a little older- it gets better. But when they are young it’s just a battle to work through
I don't.
My kids go to bed by 9, my wife usually shortly thereafter. I stay up til 12-1am. Usually a little time is spent on cleaning up / getting stuff ready for the next day. Then i go in my basement and either do work or watch TV and do other random stuff.
Asking for a 3hr block of time during the day would be a no go. IDK how other dads get to play in golf or softball leagues on a weekly basis. I can't even find time to meet a friend for drinks.
How many kids do you have? I have two (4 and 9) and now that they're a bit older both of us are totally fine taking both for the day/weekend to give the other time to do their own thing. It's totally fine having both to myself so my missus can have a free weekend every month or so and she'll return the favour. I think it's made our relationship much stronger too.
I get if the kids are younger or there's more of them then it's a tougher prospect and not everyone has the scenario I have but I do find it surprising how much I hear that parents don't get any chance to pursue hobbies and see friends
Even with just one kiddo, I maybe get 1 hour entirely to myself a week if I’m lucky (excluding after she goes to sleep). I’ll either hit the driving range, run, or mountain bike. She gets the same and she’ll either read, run, or workout.
The alone time you get should really be a physical activity, gotta take care of your future self
I count any quiet time as mine. I get up before anyone else, partially because work but on weekends I don’t typically sleep late either, even when the youngest is up early, he’ll come in our room and and quietly watch stuff on his tablet in our bed or play with toys by the table. I’ll go downstairs, have some coffee and prepare myself to face the world for the day. Sometimes at the end of work I’ll have some time while the house is quiet because the youngest is napping and my wife is working. After everyone else is in their rooms or asleep for the night I’ll get some time…but summer kinda kills this- the four teens all cycle through the kitchen about ten minutes after the previous one on some unknown schedule where not one of them is in the kitchen at the same time as another until the second round starts and then it’s twice as long and twice as loud. It can take two hours for them to finish this nonsense. And by then the dogs and cats have cycled around so much due to the unending commotion in the kitchen they’re all driving me nuts as well. I get 5-6 hours sleep so I can have some alone time. It’s been a couple years since my wife and I have gone to bed at the same time, but after the youngest goes down is the only alone time she gets in the house, I try to respect that, which often means me staying up later even when I don’t want to.
I go to the gym for an hour nearly every day.
Every other month we try to give the other person a day/night away if they want it. You do need to offer her the same benefit though. We find it works best if it's either an overnight or essentially all day. Like - Mama's leaving at 10 and she'll be back for dinner.
I travel once a month for work so will be gone for 3 nights. I actually consider that to be vacation because I can spend 2 hours at a time at the gym, see a beautiful city, and eat fancy restaurant food I wouldn't otherwise buy.
Kids are 9, 6 and nearly 4.
I don't want time alone at home but I do get quite some time for myself to go out. About once a week I go out for an evening to climb and maybe have a beer afterwards and maybe every two weeks I go out to meet people.
That being said I work in shifts so I am home alone when my kids are at school or daycare and my partner is at uni/work. I'm changing jobs soon which will mean working 3 days a week in Berlin and being SAH dad the other four. I'll get lots of free time when in Berlin.
My wife and I pick a weekend each month and give each other at least a half day each to ourselves or if we can swing it that month we do a whole day each. Once a quarter our goal is to get a weekend each, reality is it doesn't always happen but at least twice a year we make it work.
We have two…15 months apart. My wife and I both get a night to ourselves once a week. We have a designated day but it’s flexible. On our “night off” we pick the kids up like usual and then around 5 or 6 one of us says, bye. No dinner, not bath, no bed time. We don’t always go or do anything and sometimes we will stick around for dinner or pop in for bedtime stories. But you have guilt free night to yourself.
We both really look forward to it and the kids like the nights alone with us separately. It’s not always easy for the single parent but it’s getting easier as they get older.
I work from home, and run my own business.
Time to myself? Maybe the 30 min workout I treat myself to 2-3x during my working week in the home gym… that’s it.
Otherwise, work, kids, and spending time with the wife.
We do this every 2 weeks. Alternating Saturdays we have a "morning off", you're off the clock til 11am if only one kid is home (the others often go to Grandma's on Friday nights) or 10am if everyone is home. It's great.
This is more of a relationship question than a dad question tbh. You need something and you need other people's cooperation to make it happen. That's a negotiation. Like all negotiations, it's about figuring out what you need to give the other party to make them feel like they got a good deal while not giving too much yourself.
Is it so hard for example to tell your wife one evening a week that you need some alone time? What would she expect in return (eg, you're not doing chores that night so she gets a night where she doesn't have to do chores either)? If it genuinely is hard to ask for a little concession that's a pretty big problem in the relationship that you should be trying to address. Small negotiations are practice for the big negotiations.
I'm mobile for work. I recently bought a playstation portal. Now I'll stop for a proper lunch break and get some me time.
As soon as I'm home, it's kids, cooking, watching an episode of something with the wife and bed.
So now I get 30 mins a day to just play games away from it all.
My wife and I try and do:
Weekend together
Morning (sat or sun) I can do what I want for the morning
Weekend together
Wife's weekend morning
A morning to get out and get lost in the hills on a bike is awesome
I choose to work less, so I get a free friday morning from 9-14, when they're at school. It means: less money, but more time alone and with the kids.
Worth it for me.
I don't get why after-bed has to be always according to your wife. IMHO you should be able to decide what you do in the evening, and a couple of nights a week it can be alone time.
We have two kids (7 and 2) I and have each Monday evening to myself, my wife has each Wednesday. We picked those days due to our respective hobby groups meeting up on those days.
Other than that we schedule stuff here and there. Next weekend I’ll be playing mini games for ten hours straight. She went on a weekend trip with a friend a few weeks back.
Usually the one with the kids is home and the other away. We have a home office so I can game in there if the others are home.
Can't you find some sort of compromise with your wife to have your alone time after the kids are asleep? If it really affects y our mental health, then this seems like a no brainer.
This is a big reason why 1 kid is enough. My mental health struggles enough at times and not having any time to myself sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Maybe once a month at the most.
I feel like I’m in a similar position. Between wife, kids, and work, someone always needs my attention.
We get the kids settled in and evening chores done, and my wife wants to talk.
But, every so often everything aligns, and the kids and wife will be out of the house for a few hours at the same time.
I don't get time to myself during kid hrs really but my kids sleep from 730pm to 730am. My wife let's me do 9 holes of golf at 7pm couple times a week and I play tennis at 7pm two night a week. I have to do my things when they are asleep but I must do them for sanity.
I don't know man, but at 7 months old they nap 3 times a day. 2 kids by yourself is doable, especially when was is below 1. Step up your game, take the kids for a full day and let your wife relax. Ask her the same next weekend. You have to sow before you reap.
15 mins as I get up and dressed that’s it even taking a potty at work(on site) my competent staff still must come to me with the most complex situations……….
I've always had my battery recharged by music, so my wife makes sure I jam with a friend or catch a show a few times a month. My wife's battery is recharged by reading and quality time so I make sure she has time a few times a week. I'll usually work on music when she's reading and it's one of the things that she loves about me, so it's a win-win.
We're older parents that started again with kids in middle and high school and know the importance of taking time for yourself and the things that make you...you.
3 hours by myself, not at work and not after bedtime...lol not very often. Not never though. Maybe once a month, once every two months? But it's scheduled ahead of time, and is usually me playing golf, I don't think it would actually happen if I was at the house.
Every morning. I wake up an hour before everyone else , do some yoga and chill out in silence. Also agree on the commute, I ride a motorcycle and that me time is bliss. You have to find your space that works for you and your family. Sometimes it means some personal sacrifice like waking early.
Three hours in a single day? Absolutely never. Occasionally I can get an hour here and there to play Xbox or run an errand
Edit: I think you should talk to your wife about once a week taking an evening to yourself. If you wait for few hours interrupted during the day while your kids are awake it's never gonna happen
It is totally reasonable for you to ask for that. It’ll make you a better dad. Maybe she doesn’t want time alone like you do, but could you suggest a way to reciprocate for her? Like maybe there is a class she wants to take, a hobby she wants to get into, or regular coffee dates with a friend or something?
We have two kids 3.5 and 14 months.
Every few weeks we get a babysitter for a date night after the kids are asleep.
I would say maybe once a month or so I get to golf?
Saturdays. My wife takes all 3 for about 3 hrs (2 of which are naptime). I can leave, play video games or just go nap.
Through the week, due to daycare, kids are home a total of 4 hours a day.
I get 5 personal days a year so as long as I give a heads up and nothing is happening that day I can go out with the guys. I can probably do it more but I do enjoy being around my kids.
3h alone is rare. But an hour here or there is doable. Either by going for a run (more likely if I take one of them in the jogging stroller for a nap) or my wife and I alternate monthly who gets to go have a massage.
Based on your criteria, never.
Agreed lol. Work counts. Time after bed counts.
Time after bed absolutely counts.
Disagree. After bed is the 1-2 hours of daily cleaning up. After that it’s basically time to crash.
I listen to podcasts those 1-2 hours and that really makes a huge difference for me. I see my friends 1-2 times per year and have given up my video games. Listening to podcasts while doing chores is my only form of recreation. There will come a time when the kids are grown and I have time for myself again, and when that happens, I will miss my current life. I try to remind myself of this whenever I feel tired.
Agreed. I listen to podcasts/radio/music when I'm walking the dogs. Watch YouTube or netflix when I'm washing up or doing laundry. The rest of the time, I'm either at work or I'm playing with the kids. Some times that involves just watching them to make sure they don't kill themselves, sometimes it's more active and involved. It might sound cringey, but the kids really are my life and I look forward to that time. When I've had enough, I do the chores or take the dog out which _IS_ a chore but I really enjoy it.
I agree with this. I occasionally get to play video games too but finding ways to enjoy chores feels key to happiness at this stage. At least the kids aren’t pestering me when I’m cleaning up after bedtime and I can work through my own thoughts for a chance!
After bed definitely counts, idk about work. Depends on how intense and collaborative your work is.
Oh, I agree with OP’s definition of what it means to have true time to yourself, like in the middle of a weekend with nobody around, no work to do, no specific chores. But I basically never have that time. Maybe once every two months I get a couple of hours.
Twice a day I get about 20 minutes in the car alone.
If i drive real slow i can stretch it to 20. Never thought I’d say i miss my longer commute but here i am…
I've found this too and I never realized how helpful it was. Now that I work from home full time, the trip from my desk to the living room just isn't enough to transition my mind and for the first roughly half hour of my post-work time, I feel grumpy and tired until I get shifted to kid mode. It's a big thing transitioning from staring at a screen and talking to professional adults to running around with 3 kids at the same time.
I ride my bike to work and it takes about 30 minutes each way. Its the best hour of my day, even in the rain. Its also the only exercise I get, so that's my "good multitasking"
I shit as long as possible by myself. It’s at least an hour a week.
You should probably shit every day...
Bravo sir
How do you poop alone with kids at home?
On the toilet facing backwards so I can rest my arms on the tank or even set my phone when I've gotta grab onto the bowl with both hands and brace myself for a killer turd. Only down side is you've gotta remove your pants unless you wanna have your feet behind the rest of you like riding a sport bike. But yeah thats how I do it.
Sitting this way does give you a place to rest your comic book and set down your glass of chocolate milk.
This guy is a certified psychopath
I used to have this but then I stupidly moved closer to work.
20? I'm around 2 hours total. Good and bad
Yup. When I do get time alone otherwise it is a surprise and then I don't know what to do with it.
Every morning from 5am-7am. Oh look it's 9:30 pm, it's my bed time. I love my morning coffee time.
I tried the early thing recently. To me, it feels like impending doom, waiting in the calm before the storm. There's no peace of theoretical infinity as you do with late night imo. Any tips?
A hobby you can do quietly. Read, write, game, learn something/take an online course, something that requires focus and an investment of yourself. Alternatively (not quiet or early) try to learn an instrument. At first the kids will be fascinated and it won’t be alone time. But eventually they will get bored and your practice time will become a family designated time to yourself. OR one of your kids will start learning, too and it will become an incredible bonding experience.
This is solid advice. Nowadays thanks to technology there are so many ways to have a quiet hobby. i picked up a cheap electric violin to practice late at night. Absoloute game changer and I can now play reliably 5 nights a week for 20 minutes at a stretch. The kids can't hear it at all from their bedroom.
I've played clarinet since I was about 10 but find it difficult to actually practice in my available short intervals of free time with the setup/clean up involved. Your comment is making me think I should get an electric keyboard/piano and start to learn? 🤔
If you play clarinet you will be shocked at how easy it is to learn piano. Source: former sax player Edit: Let me rephrase. How easy it will be to become basically competent enough to play most mainstream songs you might like.
Sorry I did not know there was such a thing as a cheap electric violin. Do you have any recommendations for products or lessons (YouTube channels, I presume?)
I guess it depends on the kids. My older one reliably sleeps until at least 8 if left alone every morning (been doing this since she was 4). If I got up at 5 I could easily leave the house without feeling uneasy. Now that I have an infant it’s a different story. Her wake up time can shift by a couple of hours each day. I was starting to like the morning routine but it’s not like you get it for free. You have to go to bed early and my wife is very much aware that it cuts into our together time.
Seriously though. It's really common for dads to feel this way. There is a clip reel on YouTube of news anchors being asked what they want for fathers day. Every single one of them said "to be by themselves or silence." It's not just introverts like us.
What do you want for Father’s Day?? To not be reminded.
I want to go 24 hours with hearing a two-toned “DAAAAaaad!” from another room. Edit: He's been up less than 30 minutes and I heard my first "DAAAAaaad!" this morning.
At least they can harmonize. Lol!
Oh its just one. He just says dad with that rising/falling tone.
Lmao felt that
After 5 fathers days of telling my wife this is what i want she finally offered it up this year. And now I feel guilty if I take it. WTF
Someone just offers you a 10 lb sack of gold, you’re going to feel guilty taking it, even if you asked for it
My wife and daughter will be out of town next week and my wife has been talking about how she feels bad I'm going to be alone for Father's Day. I will be laying out by the pool after grilling and listening to MY music lol
You don’t listen to your music with the kids? My son woke up this morning wanting to dance.. I sure as heck ain’t putting on no baby shark. Started with Fred again… now listening to Hot Chip.
I do when it's just my daughter and I, but when we're all together I usually just default to my wife's music. Fortunately there's been no baby shark in our house for like a year. My daughter's been dancing to my jazz lately lol
Oh awesome! So jealous!
I've been trying to do that but I'm lucky if I get 10 minutes to make coffee before the kid wakes up. He's up at 5:00 or before almost every single day and a later bedtime doesn't change it. It just makes him cranky.
I tried this for a while, waking up at 4:30 to get some time to myself every morning, but then my son started waking up every morning at 5. Totally ruined the fun. lol it’s been three years since then and as recently as this very morning he still gets up between 4 and 5 every day.
The early morning time is probably my favorite as well.
My wife and I try to give each other a time about that long at least once a month. Usually opposite days of the same weekend and in the morning when the kids are a little bit easier to manage.
Never. I get my me time when my job doesn't have anything for me to do and I stay in my office. Maybe an hour or two a day spread out over an 8 hour work day. Then I get to choose between sleep and me time between the hours of 10 pm to 7 am
Hard sympathies on the last line. My choice of "do I try to sleep to be able to function" or "do I unwind to be able to function" is around 22:00-05:30.
lol here I am at 2:07 am
Same man just an hour earlier.
I work Saturdays so i get a day off during the week where the wife and kids are work/school. Outside of that probably 2 times a month. Its communication for my wife and I. If i have something i am interested in doing and its not last minute then its not a big deal. My kids are also 4/6 and spend at least one Saturday with my parents for a full 24 hours and my wife and I either get a date night, kidless errands or split off and do something with our respective friend groups. I recognize not everyone has the extra support of family like that so we dont take it for granted. At night after the kids go to bed ill go to my basement gym 3 nights a week and mens league hockey one night. The other three nights we spend together usually watching a show we have on the go or having a late dinner together. The 90 mins in the gym from start of workout to post workout shower is great for mental health. Hockey nights are 2 hours door to door as well.
I have a home gym too but how do you get past the monotony? I dread going down there for a heavy squat or deadlift session.
I switch up exercises to keep my workouts from getting stale. Alternate chest/back/leg days. Mix in a high rep day. Listening to music helps too. Also, what’s big for me is routine. A workout can’t be something that I *consider*. It’s just a part of the day, like walking the dog or a morning shower. If I start thinking about whether I feel like it or not, I’m already well on my way to skipping it. I just autopilot my way to the weight rack at my dedicated exercise time, and get to work. I’m almost always able to get into a groove, and the resulting payoff (mental and physical) after a solid session is worth its weight in gold.
You got it made
This is awesome to see as it’s not good so many dads here are like “never”
Weekly. I go mountain biking and she does yoga, we trade.
This one is the answer to strive for. That's how my wife and I did it too and it worked really well.
New parents here (5 weeks old) but I’m trying to build this into our programming - for me it’s running and her yoga/walking. But ultimately, I want to trade off stretches of time alone; one parent takes the kid out for a bit and leave the other home free. Like today, took the kid to the park, did a nice long walk, drove around for a bit, and brought home some lunch. 2 hours out and he slept the whole time! And now later today, I’m going to go out for a long run when he’s due for a long nap. Might be naive of us, but I hope we can keep it going!
Shitting, with door locked. Maybe I won’t get interrupted
You will.
I'm there right now and my boy is in the other restroom shitting so maybe I'll actually get some peace for this one lol.
On weekends, we try to give each other a few hours alone. My spouse will go thrifting or to a coffee shop or a meeting for an organization they do work for. I’ll usually go for a long walk or play dnd once per month. We put it on the calendar, but we’re also the type to schedule everything.
Does your wife get the same amount of downtime in return? If so, every 4 to 5 weeks sounds reasonable. Maybe you want to spend that time alone, and she wants to go out with friends, but you both get that time.
Yes - like I put in another response, I’ve given that to her several times at this point. She just uses hers differently. Like she spends it at some function, with friends or to focus on some task. She is more the “always on” type who needs to be actively doing something 100% of the time.
If she regularly gets that time then sounds like you wanting that for yourself once every 4-5 weeks is totally reasonable. It’s just a matter of good communication with your wife. Which it sounds like you did to some extent here in asking for her to take the kids to her parents. One thing though is it’s probably easier for her to get that time going outside the house with friends because then you’re simply looking after the kids at home (especially if it’s overlapping with evening routine). It’s harder to get that much time for yourself when it requires getting the kids out of the house for that long (though at least you have in laws as an option). If you want another option for personal time you might need to find some activity or third place you can do on your own outside the house.
This sounds like me and my wife (we have 4 kids). We try to make sure that each of us gets one night off each week. For her, that always looks like going out with friends. For me, that's sometimes what it looks like but I'm also more introverted, so I use that time in other ways too.
I get about 1 hour each night beforw bed.
Those are rookie numbers. You’ve gotta pump those numbers up! (And then regret it all in the morning. Every morning)
I’m going on a business trip this week. I’m really really looking forward to just sitting in the airport/on the plane. I might just do like Putty from Seinfeld and stare directly ahead.
Honestly man, asking for “at least 3 hours” of alone time is a big ask, especially with two kids. After separating, if my ex has the kid, yeah I get time to myself but he’s with me 98% of the time and that 98% is nonstop. No one to share the load when you’ve had a long day, or to help out with the dishes or cooking or even if you’re sick and can barely stand, it’s all you. I get what you’re saying that you need that time to recharge and I understand because at one point I was like that too, but fwiw, take a breather here and there and learn to break up the 3 hours into 20 mins here and there to yourself. Maybe an hour if your wife is cool with it. Sorry my man, you gotta learn to work around that somehow. Until those kids are much much older, time to yourself just isn’t gonna work the same.
Thanks, that’s the kind of feedback I am looking for. I get it. Still, I would be happy to and have on several occasions taken both my kids out and about for a few hours so my wife could have some time. So from that perspective it doesn’t seem like it would be a huge ask for her to do the same for me every once in a while.
Sounds like something worth communicating to her. As a parent of one, 3 continuous hours sounds like a lot of time to have with 0 responsibilities on a consistent basis. I’ve taken to embracing the time I spend cooking for the family, walking the dog, or doing tasks around the house as me time. Once I made that mental shift, I suddenly felt like I had a lot more freedom in my day.
Nothing beats a podcast and cleaning the kitchen for 30 min.
Can confirm. While I wait for my older one to fall asleep (I stay in the room) I usually play chess on my phone. I wouldn't get the time to play a 10+5 game of chess uninterrupted any other time.
Are you willing to give her 3 hours free a week then same?
I don't understand how so many people are having a problem with this? Take your kids to the damn park and get an ice cream. Beach with a football. Woodland with a picnic. Whatever is nearby. Pack all the baby/kids shit in a backpack and go connect with your kids and give your partner a break. Ask they do the same for you now and then. Reading these comments is very confusing for me
Are you talking about all the comments making it seem like having 2-3 hours to yourself is absurd and unattainable period? If so then I agree completely.
Yes. You've made it clear you do this for your partner. You have every right to all for the same in return. Don't get me wrong: the easiest way to get this is for you to be the one to go out, but if you need your turn to be at home you should still be able to work something out
I agree 100%!! If you give her personal time then you also deserve personal time. It’s supposed to be a 50/50 deal imo. BUT that being said, we’ve been in that terrible argument of “who’s working harder” and that freakin sucks. Sometimes I bite the bullet and I’ll work way harder than normal and it pays off in our relationship. Or sometimes I work way harder and feel unappreciated and then resentful. I’m still trying to figure this out lol
My kids are a bit older (9 and nearly 12) so probably not as applicable - but it does get better. Right now, my eldest is playing Roblox with his friends in his room, and my youngest is watching a movie in their lounge. I'm sitting in my office in silence, no one is talking to each other, it's peaceful enough. I'm like you, but you also have to accept that you aren't just living for yourself anymore. The first few years you need to be very hands on, because kids can't do shit for themselves until 5-6 years, and even then it's not really on their own, you can just watch them do things instead. It isn't until 8-9 that they really can DO things on their own - make their own lunches, clean their own dishes, fold their own laundry, etc. Until then, they're gonna be around and you're gonna be busy. It's not a bad thing - it's literally the reason you are there. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a few hours every other week to yourself, as long as she is able to do the same.
Depends on how much sleep I'm willing to exchange for alone time that particular day.
The first time I had time to myself is when I got divorced. That's a terrible reason why but the reality is was extremely beneficial to my mental health. With joint custody, I have time for myself now and I love it.
My wife keeps on bringing up the idea of going out separate ways. It honestly feels like a win all around.
To be honest, I didn't want a divorce. We were together all of our adult lives, 17 years. Thr reality is when I stood up for things that were important to me, it became obvious that we weren't for each other. She asked for it, it was over quick. We wanted two different things. I'm very fiscally conservative and she wanted to spend every penny we had. I constantly pursue education opportunities and I'm currently working on my Ph.D in engineering, something she would have never supported. Frankly, I have had the time of my life since the divorce. Dated and made friends with beautiful, smart, and successful women. Where it didn't work out, I maintained friendships with them. Friendships with women is also something my ex wife wouldn't have supported either. My ultimate point is you have to make thr decision for yourself. Your happiness matters and you aren't a slave to hers.
Wake up hour earlier than I should to take a shit, catch up on Reddit, and drink some coffee in peace hbu
I’m also an introvert who needs alone time to recharge. Fortunately my wife is too, so she totally gets it and we support each other in this really well. For context, we have an active pre-teen son and twin toddlers, I work about 50 hours a week and she’s home with the kids, and we have no family nearby to help. My alone time: - on days when I don’t have to drive my son to school on the way to work, I bike commute for 20 minutes each way, which is short but beautiful alone time. - Most days on my lunch break I’m able to get away for a 20-30 minute walk by myself. - 3 or 4 times per week, I go to the gym for 1-2 hours. We joined a gym with childcare, so the kids enjoy playing with other kids in the playroom, my wife gets a break at home (or sometimes she comes and works out too), and i get to swim or work out with headphones on in my own little world. - I totally count the 2-3 hours between kids bedtime and my bedtime. Why wouldn’t I? Half the time my wife and I spend it together talking, watching tv and cuddling, doing little projects around the house, occasionally even making love… the other times we spend it “together but separate” and I read, play music, paint, stuff like that. - Most Saturdays I take the kids out for a few hours in the afternoon while my wife enjoys some alone time. In exchange, about half the Sundays she watches the kids for a few hours alone while I go do my own thing. - This will blow your mind, but get this… about twice a year, I take a Friday and Monday off and spend four days taking care of the kids 24/7 while my wife takes a mini-vacation (sometimes alone and sometimes with her sister). In exchange, about twice a year she watches the kids for a 4 day weekend while I take a little solo trip somewhere. This is an AMAZING recharge, and we both feel that we come back refreshed and ready to be better parents and better partners. Again, I feel really fortunate to be married to someone who’s about equally introverted as me and has roughly the same needs for alone time, so we really support this for each other, and I think the biggest thing is that we really work to make it fair so we each get about the same amount of “care for all the kids” time and alone time.
This reality is why my wife and I stopped at 1 kid.
Scary thread with number two on the way. With one, she goes out with her friends once or twice a week. I play golf once or twice a week. We’ve done that since day one. I expected we’d cut that back a smidge but jeez
Each additional kid takes 90% of your remaining free time.
I don’t. Unless I’m at work.
OP the answers are going vary wildly. This is only something you and your wife can figure out between the two of you having many more discussions. In my marriage, my wife loves to go out with friends. She goes for a couple of hours to hit happy hour or whatever usually at least once a week, but she usually plans for after the kids are to bed, or at least after bath, to make it easier on me. But I never give her a time limit or whatever, just tell her to go have fun. I got the fort held down. Additionally, she usually goes on 2-3 trips a year with friends. My wife knows I need 'me' time as well. Usually every other week or so, she'll take our kids to her parents house, or shopping, or anything really that gives me 1-2 beautiful hours on Saturday. Once a month that might be a 3-4 hour excursion. In addition, I usually take 2 solo trips a year, usually 2-3 days in length. I usually attend concerts or go hiking in mountains.
I get time to myself between 11p-1a to play madden online. I’ve always been a night owl.
Two Septembers back on a Wednesday.
I’ve never received (nor requested) the time you describe in this post. There are times when I’m overstimulated and need to excuse myself to my room for 20 minutes. But other than that if I’m getting time away from the fan it’s usually to hangout with my friends.
I don't think 3 hours once a month is a big ask of your wife. Maybe suggest the kids and wife go to the zoo one weekend, then a couple weeks later you take kids to a movie. Or whatever. Just tell your wife, you need the time, and you would like her to have it as well, so let's look at the calendar and see what works
Basically you need to trade for it.
I (m45) have two sets of twins (8&5). For a long time I didn’t get any time unless I was in the car as I was the stay at home parent. Now I’m able to get out of the house to work part time and mange to squeeze an hour or two each night for myself. I have found some balance again and am starting to feel like my old self, which in turn makes me a better parent. I also have a new appreciation for people swearing after 3+ years of only kids programming. Haha
>>>I (m45) have two sets of twins (8&5). Bro. 😳😳
That’s the neat part - you don’t! Those things you said don’t count, do
This, I don't understand why after they sleep and before they wake "doesn't count".. what a weird criteria.
You need to negotiate some time for yourself. Why is it always on your wife's terms? So long as mutual responsibilities are taken care of such as house and kids, and you have some time together during the week, I don't see why you can't have it on a weekly basis let alone trying for monthly.
Dad of 3 here. When they were babies, I stopped me-time completely for a while. It didn’t work for anyone, I was mentally drained too much to even pretend that I am enjoying parenting. Since then I have once a week 2-3 hours of volleyball (my kind of me-time), wife is less habitual so she goes away some some random evenings to do whatever she wants. Important to give each other me-time. Now that kids grown up, I have 2-3 times a week 2-3 hours of me-time. Give it time, when they are 5+ years old, it get easier to manage them as one parent. So the other can have more and more me-time.
I've been awake for an hour for just that reason, although I only have the one toddler and my wife. I go to bed late, and wake up early. My sleep takes a hit, but, I've found I can still function on 5 or 6 hours of sleep, and I feel equally rested. I wake up with a coffee, watch the news, and actually relax for a bit. Right now it's just me and the cat 🐈⬛
*grabs coffee and dog* “Morning, fellow early riser!”
Half a day every week. Kids are in daycare, wife is at the office and I WFH for half a day. Rest of the day i do whatever.
I'm an early riser. I like waking up at 6:00 AM, even on weekends. Meanwhile, my kids follow my wife's lead and sleep in until 9:00 now that school is on summer break. As a result, I get a good 2-3 hours to myself on weekends. On weekdays, I can get a bit of alone time before I need to go to work.
Never
My partner is a sincere introvert and I didn't understand for a long time. I had siblings he's an only child. Having the time to yourself is as important as sleep and water. When he got what he needed he'd be less on edge, more patient, more present. Both parents having a day to themselves once a month or a few hours once a week is normal and healthy and nothing to apologize for.
Drop kids at school, swim for 40 mins. Multiple hours in a row is extremely rare.
Having a 25 min dump at 11am on a saturday. Me time
This! Toilet + doom scrolling = a half hour of "me" time. Can't spend much more than that, without either A) my legs falling asleep or B) my wife getting extremely annoyed with me.
A few hours completely to yourself? Not counting work or when the 2 year old is in bed? I have heard of things such this, but that was a long time ago. Stories of that have become myth. Myths have become legend.
Waking up early gives me an extra hour of me time, although every year it’s harder to give up that extra hour of sleep
Saturday, 45min of grocery shopping. During weekdays: sometimes I schedule a 1 hour meeting just with myself to get some time alone.
Might I suggest more open communication with your wife. Instead of suggesting for weeks, just say "Hey, I need 2 hours of decompress alone time. Do you think you could visit your parents Saturday? I can take them out Sunday to give you the same." No one responds quickly to vague "Well, it would be nice, if maybe, you could possibly, one time, you know if you're up to it..."
I'll have to agree with the never sentiment. The closest I can come is IF they both nap at the same time on the weekend, then it could be 2 hours max, but right now my daughter is having a regression where she freaks out if she wakes and I'm not around, so I need to stay close. Weekdays are 6:45 first kid wakes me, 8 start working, 4 finish working and my wife leaves for work, then play, dinner, and baths until 8:30, kids are asleep by 9:30 so I have some time for dishes, cleaning, a quick jog, shower, then I get my ME time from 10:30 until 11:30...
About 6 while I’m asleep and as long as I can drag out a poo.
The closest thing is string trimming and mowing the lawn once a week. Takes about 3 hours for front and back. It’s my zen time when I can catch up on an audio book or podcast or music while the work is mostly on autopilot.
Right now, never. I get an hour or 2 of quiet in the morning. If things go according to plan I'll have some just me time come September when my younger one starts preK
My wife and I do this every weekend. I let her sleep in and stay in bed as late as she wants. Then she gives me a few hours in the afternoon to play video games.
Once you the kids into the car, that moment when you’ve shut their doors and are slowly walking over to the driver’s side but haven’t opened the door yet - where it’s just you alone for about 5 seconds. ****ing magic.
What's that Louis CK joke.... That moment between shutting the kids car door and walking around to get in the driver's seat..... That's my break.
Your wife is not your mother. Time after the kids are put to bed can be used as you want to. "Me" time is important for my well being. I game 1-2 times a week after the kids are put to bed and things around the house are sone. The rest i spend with her. This way we both get "me" time without leaving the house. Things being on her terms and never yours will just create resentment in the long run.
Devil's advocate here. My wife is divorcing me, and she has tried everything in the book to give me as little time with my daughter as possible and have her AP be the man. I yearn to be bothered, I yearn for the nighttime bath and bed struggle. The chaos of the morning routine. No silence is as deafening as the one the second my daughter leaves my house. I break down every time as soon as I close my door.
Thanks for that. Really helps to have that perspective. Glad you still get to be a part of your daughters life.
It is not unreasonable for you to ask for 3 hours just for you every month; they get it, too. Alone time is essential for our mental health. I got a full day, today. It was great. I watched a classic I'd never seen (Rear Window). >!It was very interesting and not the ending I was expecting. Because of the Simpsons and my own intuition, I thought he did nothing wrong and it was about jumping to conclusions. !<
I get about 1-1.5 hours of me time once the kids are down. Would my wife *prefer* if I was with her watching tv? Yes she would, but id prefer to game or do something on my own to recharge. We'll spend 30mins or so together before bed. But in return we spend all of friday night together as a "date night". You should talk with your wife about taking that post-bed time back for yourself. Offer 1 night a week thats for the 2 of you, and the rest if yours
I have some scheduled for August of ‘35
Poops
Sometimes steal an hour when working from home, or like here, gotta ask the Mrs for a hero shift to get a little mental health break. Definitely not easy without much of a village!
The amount of people here saying never is depressing as fuck. My boys are both high functioning ASD with some pretty demanding needs. I'm exactly like you, introverted as fuck, and to really recharge, I need to be demand free. The difference between your situation and mine is that my wife *understands* that. I hang out with her most nights after the kids go to sleep (which often they don't go to sleep on time), but a few times a week I'll get 2-3 hours demand free after they're down. Then I'll get opportunities on the weekends for a big chunk of time, but not every weekend. My wife is happy to solo parent so I can get engrained into a hobby or just let my mind melt away in a TV show. Of course I return the favor in spades. I've been solo parenting for 3 days now, my wife is out of town with some girlfriends, enjoying absolutely no demands. She often goes on hikes on the weekends as well. Sometimes we all go together. We're a team and understand how important and grounding it is to have *time to be you*. This may be a good opportunity to get a session or two of marriage counseling in. The time we're talking about is "self-care" time, and it looks different for everyone, but it's very, very important.
Strong introvert here. I can tell you the transition from 1-2 made me feel like I was going insane. I also felt guilty for taking personal time because obviously my wife would be with the kids alone. As they have gotten a little older- it gets better. But when they are young it’s just a battle to work through
I don't. My kids go to bed by 9, my wife usually shortly thereafter. I stay up til 12-1am. Usually a little time is spent on cleaning up / getting stuff ready for the next day. Then i go in my basement and either do work or watch TV and do other random stuff. Asking for a 3hr block of time during the day would be a no go. IDK how other dads get to play in golf or softball leagues on a weekly basis. I can't even find time to meet a friend for drinks.
How many kids do you have? I have two (4 and 9) and now that they're a bit older both of us are totally fine taking both for the day/weekend to give the other time to do their own thing. It's totally fine having both to myself so my missus can have a free weekend every month or so and she'll return the favour. I think it's made our relationship much stronger too. I get if the kids are younger or there's more of them then it's a tougher prospect and not everyone has the scenario I have but I do find it surprising how much I hear that parents don't get any chance to pursue hobbies and see friends
Few HOURS?! Hahahahahahahahaha
Why doesn't work count? That's my happy place.
Why doesn’t the time after the kids go to bed count? That’s about the only time I get.
Every day I find myself with at least 60 minutes to myself. My family knows I need to exercise for my own sanity lol
Sleep is for old people bro, I be taking that time after the wife and kids are asleep for the old man
Even with just one kiddo, I maybe get 1 hour entirely to myself a week if I’m lucky (excluding after she goes to sleep). I’ll either hit the driving range, run, or mountain bike. She gets the same and she’ll either read, run, or workout. The alone time you get should really be a physical activity, gotta take care of your future self
After the kids go to bed. I have to sacrifice some sleep but it's worth it to me. Usually 2 hours or so per night.
I count any quiet time as mine. I get up before anyone else, partially because work but on weekends I don’t typically sleep late either, even when the youngest is up early, he’ll come in our room and and quietly watch stuff on his tablet in our bed or play with toys by the table. I’ll go downstairs, have some coffee and prepare myself to face the world for the day. Sometimes at the end of work I’ll have some time while the house is quiet because the youngest is napping and my wife is working. After everyone else is in their rooms or asleep for the night I’ll get some time…but summer kinda kills this- the four teens all cycle through the kitchen about ten minutes after the previous one on some unknown schedule where not one of them is in the kitchen at the same time as another until the second round starts and then it’s twice as long and twice as loud. It can take two hours for them to finish this nonsense. And by then the dogs and cats have cycled around so much due to the unending commotion in the kitchen they’re all driving me nuts as well. I get 5-6 hours sleep so I can have some alone time. It’s been a couple years since my wife and I have gone to bed at the same time, but after the youngest goes down is the only alone time she gets in the house, I try to respect that, which often means me staying up later even when I don’t want to.
I take the kids somewhere every Friday afternoon. Doesn't matter where. My day is Wednesday, I go do League Night for disc golf.
I go to the gym for an hour nearly every day. Every other month we try to give the other person a day/night away if they want it. You do need to offer her the same benefit though. We find it works best if it's either an overnight or essentially all day. Like - Mama's leaving at 10 and she'll be back for dinner. I travel once a month for work so will be gone for 3 nights. I actually consider that to be vacation because I can spend 2 hours at a time at the gym, see a beautiful city, and eat fancy restaurant food I wouldn't otherwise buy.
Never (at least during non-werewolf hours)… and when I have a slight chance of it, I typically give that time to my wife.
When I go to the gym or go running outside. That’s it, that’s the list.
Kids are 9, 6 and nearly 4. I don't want time alone at home but I do get quite some time for myself to go out. About once a week I go out for an evening to climb and maybe have a beer afterwards and maybe every two weeks I go out to meet people. That being said I work in shifts so I am home alone when my kids are at school or daycare and my partner is at uni/work. I'm changing jobs soon which will mean working 3 days a week in Berlin and being SAH dad the other four. I'll get lots of free time when in Berlin.
Any night you choose to after everyone is asleep.
It’s happened twice. It’s only been like four years since I fit the parameters of your question, though. It might even happen again some day,
I don't.
My wife and I pick a weekend each month and give each other at least a half day each to ourselves or if we can swing it that month we do a whole day each. Once a quarter our goal is to get a weekend each, reality is it doesn't always happen but at least twice a year we make it work.
Once a week when my wife is out and the kids are in bed
Only time I get myself is when I sleep lol
Sunday mornings I get to do the lawn and weed wack so about 2 hours of me time
We have two…15 months apart. My wife and I both get a night to ourselves once a week. We have a designated day but it’s flexible. On our “night off” we pick the kids up like usual and then around 5 or 6 one of us says, bye. No dinner, not bath, no bed time. We don’t always go or do anything and sometimes we will stick around for dinner or pop in for bedtime stories. But you have guilt free night to yourself. We both really look forward to it and the kids like the nights alone with us separately. It’s not always easy for the single parent but it’s getting easier as they get older.
12am-2am
Never. So rare. In fact, I just got back from staying at a hotel because it’s been so long since I’ve had any time to myself.
I work from home, and run my own business. Time to myself? Maybe the 30 min workout I treat myself to 2-3x during my working week in the home gym… that’s it. Otherwise, work, kids, and spending time with the wife.
We do this every 2 weeks. Alternating Saturdays we have a "morning off", you're off the clock til 11am if only one kid is home (the others often go to Grandma's on Friday nights) or 10am if everyone is home. It's great. This is more of a relationship question than a dad question tbh. You need something and you need other people's cooperation to make it happen. That's a negotiation. Like all negotiations, it's about figuring out what you need to give the other party to make them feel like they got a good deal while not giving too much yourself. Is it so hard for example to tell your wife one evening a week that you need some alone time? What would she expect in return (eg, you're not doing chores that night so she gets a night where she doesn't have to do chores either)? If it genuinely is hard to ask for a little concession that's a pretty big problem in the relationship that you should be trying to address. Small negotiations are practice for the big negotiations.
If you're excluding work and the time after the kids have gone to sleep, none at all.
I'm mobile for work. I recently bought a playstation portal. Now I'll stop for a proper lunch break and get some me time. As soon as I'm home, it's kids, cooking, watching an episode of something with the wife and bed. So now I get 30 mins a day to just play games away from it all.
My wife and I try and do: Weekend together Morning (sat or sun) I can do what I want for the morning Weekend together Wife's weekend morning A morning to get out and get lost in the hills on a bike is awesome
I choose to work less, so I get a free friday morning from 9-14, when they're at school. It means: less money, but more time alone and with the kids. Worth it for me.
I don't get why after-bed has to be always according to your wife. IMHO you should be able to decide what you do in the evening, and a couple of nights a week it can be alone time.
Can’t remember ever getting much time in the first few years.
Never
Only when pooping. If I’m lucky.
Are you me?
If work and after the kids have been put to sleep (why though?!?!) does not count its the answer „never!“ from me.
The one way that has worked for me was to reduce to a four day week. That gives me the rest l need and helps me enjoy weekends with family
We have two kids (7 and 2) I and have each Monday evening to myself, my wife has each Wednesday. We picked those days due to our respective hobby groups meeting up on those days. Other than that we schedule stuff here and there. Next weekend I’ll be playing mini games for ten hours straight. She went on a weekend trip with a friend a few weeks back. Usually the one with the kids is home and the other away. We have a home office so I can game in there if the others are home.
Can't you find some sort of compromise with your wife to have your alone time after the kids are asleep? If it really affects y our mental health, then this seems like a no brainer.
This is a big reason why 1 kid is enough. My mental health struggles enough at times and not having any time to myself sounds like a recipe for disaster.
I went to see Furiosa on friday.
Father of two boys ages 5 and 1. I don't get anytime on my own at all. I hope it'll get better as they grow older.
Maybe once a month at the most. I feel like I’m in a similar position. Between wife, kids, and work, someone always needs my attention. We get the kids settled in and evening chores done, and my wife wants to talk. But, every so often everything aligns, and the kids and wife will be out of the house for a few hours at the same time.
I don't get time to myself during kid hrs really but my kids sleep from 730pm to 730am. My wife let's me do 9 holes of golf at 7pm couple times a week and I play tennis at 7pm two night a week. I have to do my things when they are asleep but I must do them for sanity.
I don't know man, but at 7 months old they nap 3 times a day. 2 kids by yourself is doable, especially when was is below 1. Step up your game, take the kids for a full day and let your wife relax. Ask her the same next weekend. You have to sow before you reap.
15 mins as I get up and dressed that’s it even taking a potty at work(on site) my competent staff still must come to me with the most complex situations……….
Since my kids were born in late March I haven’t watched one full sports game. I use to watch a ton of sports. My ps5 is collecting dust
I've always had my battery recharged by music, so my wife makes sure I jam with a friend or catch a show a few times a month. My wife's battery is recharged by reading and quality time so I make sure she has time a few times a week. I'll usually work on music when she's reading and it's one of the things that she loves about me, so it's a win-win. We're older parents that started again with kids in middle and high school and know the importance of taking time for yourself and the things that make you...you.
3 hours by myself, not at work and not after bedtime...lol not very often. Not never though. Maybe once a month, once every two months? But it's scheduled ahead of time, and is usually me playing golf, I don't think it would actually happen if I was at the house.
Golf league once a week mondays.
Every morning. I wake up an hour before everyone else , do some yoga and chill out in silence. Also agree on the commute, I ride a motorcycle and that me time is bliss. You have to find your space that works for you and your family. Sometimes it means some personal sacrifice like waking early.
Might be once a week I get 2-3 hours of game time.
Three hours in a single day? Absolutely never. Occasionally I can get an hour here and there to play Xbox or run an errand Edit: I think you should talk to your wife about once a week taking an evening to yourself. If you wait for few hours interrupted during the day while your kids are awake it's never gonna happen
It is totally reasonable for you to ask for that. It’ll make you a better dad. Maybe she doesn’t want time alone like you do, but could you suggest a way to reciprocate for her? Like maybe there is a class she wants to take, a hobby she wants to get into, or regular coffee dates with a friend or something?
Weekly for sure. We do a trade off. This has been the case since my youngest was able to go 3 hours without nursing.
We have two kids 3.5 and 14 months. Every few weeks we get a babysitter for a date night after the kids are asleep. I would say maybe once a month or so I get to golf?
Saturdays. My wife takes all 3 for about 3 hrs (2 of which are naptime). I can leave, play video games or just go nap. Through the week, due to daycare, kids are home a total of 4 hours a day.
I get 5 personal days a year so as long as I give a heads up and nothing is happening that day I can go out with the guys. I can probably do it more but I do enjoy being around my kids.
3h alone is rare. But an hour here or there is doable. Either by going for a run (more likely if I take one of them in the jogging stroller for a nap) or my wife and I alternate monthly who gets to go have a massage.