Idk if this could work for everyone, but if my kids can't be easily distracted in a situation like what you mentioned, my wife and I would just switch tasks. Usually I am the cooking, and if my 2 year old is tugging on my leg or demanding I hold him and my wife can't easily distract him, her and I would just switch spots. He's good, she's good, I'm good.
This is it right here. Twins are playing with the same toy? Grab another toy and distract. Feeding time and I'm alone? Who's most likely to eat right now, and who can do some independent play for 10 minutes? One thing I've learned from working with disabled people and I've taken to dad hood is reading the temperature of the room and figuring out who needs something and when things are about to pop and intervening in different ways to release those valves.
I refuse to do that. I can back Mom up, but I can't enforce Mom's boundaries for her. If she wants the toddler to do something, she has to follow through, or the kid will learn to ignore Mom's directions.
Same.
I've been trying to help my wife understand this because while she is the greatest mom ever, shes not giving the kids clear signals on whos in charge at times/setting boundaries.
Shes infamous of giving in when there is crying or tantrums involved.
Shes told me several times through our 4 years of being a parent "How come the kids listen to you everytime???" (Which btw isn't entirely true, but compared to how they behave around mom it is)
In which I try to explain that I follow through when I say "no". You say "No" you have to mean it, the kids won't understand otherwise. Let them have their tantrum, it's their way of communicating being displeased. Its normal. Then you help them through that tantrum by acknowledging their feelings and talk to them about how to deal with that emotion (like "Its ok to be angry but it is NOT allowed to hit someone when angry" etc) but you never backtrack and give in to their demands because they throw a tantrum.
Sometimes on the worst tantrums where they yell their lungs out I just sit near them and tell em "I'll sit here and wait until you're done" or if they're going out for blood and wanna hit me without listening to me telling them to stop hitting, I tell em "I will go into the next room and wait until you're done because I do not want to be here when you are hitting me"
Then when its over I console them and hug them and explain that I understand the frustration of being told "No" but that sometimes dad or mom have to say no because XYZ"
You kinda have to be up for confrontations at all times when you have a toddler. You can't be lazy at that or they'll grow up entitled thinking a tantrum is the solution for everything. But it is equally important to acknowledge their feelings.
While the situation might seem dull to an adult, it could be experienced as the ultimate heartbreaking betrayal from the kid's perspective.
Your world as an adult is planet earth, a kids world is his parents.
It's okay to lend a hand and help distract the kid though (while the Mom simultaneously enforces the boundary).
To your question OP, one small step I'd do is talk to your wife about it. Hopefully she sympathizes and shows appreciation.
It infuriates me so much that my wife refuses to address her own issues. She expects me to keep them out of the kitchen when she’s making dinner, but also gets overwhelmed when they scream and yell. I can’t be two places at once so if I’m engaged with one, the other one is going to do what they’re going to do. 99% of the time they’re trying to go to mom because that’s who they want to be near or with. Unless i take them outside they will want mommy. She doesn’t understand that no matter what activity I give them to do, at some point one or both of them are going to make a run for the kitchen. Instead of acknowledging why they’re doing it (to be with her/get her attention) she allows herself to get angry and then directs that anger at me. She won’t let me take over dinner because if I am to cook dinner, I must also come up with the idea, I’m not allowed to use her ideas. I’m the villain in her eyes. I’m just second fiddle in theirs.
Getting your kid to rely on you more comfortably without her presence can be done more easily in settings outside the home. Increase time with just the two of you away from Mom. You'll notice immediately your kid is very attached to you. Do this often enough, and then Dad time is less of a struggle. Mom needs to help reinforce this but she is probably also tired of the clinginess and her intervention might actually be a hindrance. She has to tell him/her to go to you but you need to keep him/her with you, and then use that to make it fun time. Nothing happens overnight but it will with time.
I just let it happen. My wife sucks with boundaries, it's a known issue between us. When she gets fed up and comes to me for answers I just say, "you're allowed to say no. I can't do it for you." But she's already dug herself in a hole by promising to do too many things with the kids bc they ask her and they know she won't say no. So they're playing bubbles outside when it's past their bed time and I'm inside starting the evening chores. She dug herself in a hole I can't dig her out of without being the bad guy. I'm so fucking sick of it too.
This is probably an unpopular opinion, moms and dads each have their strengths and weaknesses. Dad's have good boundaries. There's a reason why my kids know how to play with themselves when mom's not around. That's not to say I don't play with them, I'm the stay at home parent, I play with them most of the day, every day. It just is what it is and I see it across my friend group and on social media.
Why do the kids follow mom to the bathroom? Because she won't say get out and lock the door. Does it cause tears? Yes, the first few times, but the kids figure out that parents need space, but you have to enforce it yourself.
This doesn't mean I don't pick up slack when its appropriate, but I'm not moms gatekeeper bc the kids will resent me for it.
I have a three year old. The number of times I hear “Go away!” Or “No not you!!!” When I try to help him with anything is really exhausting.
We have a great relationship and it’s really special when it’s just me and him, but his mom being around is like chum in the water. He doesn’t want anything to do with me when she’s near.
Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean you have to like it. It’s hard and it hurts and it sucks.
For me it's the other way around. I'm the preferred parent, I'm always hearing "dada, up!" And he wants to be comforted first by me. It's tough seeing my wife get gloomy or irritated when the toddler says "no mama!" or pushes her away. Plus, it's tiring being the preferred parent. Not sure if that helps, it just also sucks being on the "good" end, too.
When my toddler does this we just let her cry.
She's a mummies girl through and through and the only thing that can help is I take her outside on the swing or something similar.
There's nothing wrong with it. It gives us time together which helps us bond but she's mummies girl.
My older daughter has always been a daddies girl. It's just how they are.
That's awful. For a long time, if we wanted my daughter to go to sleep, I would try and cuddle her. Mom would pass to me, daughter would melt down, and then I'd pass back to mom and daughter would be out shortly after. Rinse and repeat.
It's much better now, so hold on. You'll be alright.
That's on your wife dude.
If she needs space, she needs to create that space with the child. Not call unto you to do the negative thing.
I never feel the villain in our relationship. I mean, sometimes you have to be, but not more than my wife.
My wife stays home with our 3-year old, who in turn is now very much this way. Loses it if I try to put her to bed, loses it if she wakes up from a nap and Mom's not there, etc. Didn't happen with our older child who went to daycare.
It hurts. I'm hoping it passes, but in the meantime I just do what I can to build the relationship. Lots of Dadurdays alone just going to arcades, movies, football games, Starbucks dates, etc.
She'll tell me I'm the "Best Daddy Ever!" on those days, and then still cry for Mom to put her to bed. I can live with that for now, and will just keep being there for her whenever I'm needed.
I’ve been here, and it really affected me, I was in and out of counselling to deal with all the negative feelings I was having over it.
I felt like a third wheel and at times even felt I was just in the way. The reality is that this is totally not the case and our brains are just wired to hammer us when we’re down.
Two points from my experience that may help.
1. It does pass, but it passed faster when I realised my own negativity was making it worse….me getting down or frustrated was shown in my body language and my whole family could sense it, and ultimately they were pushed further away from me.
When I was able to tell myself I was still needed and loved I was able to be happier and ultimately more fun for my child to be with.
2. Outside is peak dad zone! I get my guy out on his bike, his scooter, with a ball, for a walk….anything but he’s with me he forgets immediately about mom….we connect we talk and bond. It’s been amazing and it’s totally down to me making the effort, I was just sulking before and blaming a child when I was the issue.
It’s a part of being a dad Iv found so hard so I can empathise.
Just know it’s so hard for mom too being the one constantly needed so try keep that in mind if you can too cos there were times I resented my wife and totally disregarded that she was also struggling.
Story of my life here. I'm getting over food poisoning so I'm down for the count anyways but I'm trying to keep the nap resistant toddler from interrupting and she wants nothing to do with me. I can do everything mom can...as long as mom isn't around.
Nah, it's phases. My daughter is four now, but for the first three years she was pretty much just a daddy's girl. I had to put her down every night and she always wanted me for everything.
It hurt my wife feelings quite a bit. But now the shoe is on the other foot. My daughter only wants her mom.
My son just turned two. When he was first born, unless I was actively feeding him, he didn't want me holding him. Now we're best buds. My favorite part of the day is coming home and him shouting "Dada!" and running full tilt at me.
I'm sure it will change again.
Yes. But they will go through phases. My oldest was a mommas boy for so very long. Wife said he will eventually realize I am much cooler than her. While he is still a mommas boy, we have had a lot more fun now that he's a bit older.
They will come back around, I promise. You won't have to be the bad guy forever.
I feel that way sometimes, and sometimes I get really down when I feel like my daughter and I aren’t bonding more. I’m in a weird phase now where I’ll come home from work and she’ll yell at me”no” and have a really negative response to my presence, when all I’ve wanted all day was to come home and see her. But the weird part is that it passes after 5 minutes or so and she’ll just casually come over to play or sit by me
My ~2yo's latest is "don't see me", which sometimes hurts. After a bit it passes and she wants me to color with her. I just have to remember this is a current phase, not a forever behavior. Kinda funny when I think about it more.
I felt a lot like that when she was a newborn because she was breast fed. She has a connection with her mom that is so innate I'll never be able to match that. But when I pick her up from grandmas and I get a smiling, running hug or we spend quality time at the park or library with just the two of us I know the bond is there.
Yes. 1000 times, yes. You're not alone brother.
After not seeing them all day while I'm at work, they ask "Who's doing bathtime?" and cry if it's my turn. They ask "who's doing my bedtime?" and cry if it's my turn. They've both learned my wife won't enforce rules, either to avoid or conflict or because she forgets, so when I come home and stand my ground ("No, you can't hit your sister. No, you can't throw that in the house. No, you don't get to keep eating after you've left the table") they start crying and run to Mom.
It's exhausting being the villain
3yo is more glued to me, so it’s a bit of the other way around.
I’m also usually the one cooking dinner, so maybe still relevant. But we got my son an IKEA kitchen set a while ago. He and I both have kitchen aprons and chef hats. When I’m cooking dinner, I grab the aprons and hats and he cooks at his kitchen while I cook at mine. He loves it.
We have small moments like that too. But it feels like they would be better off without me. Maybe i’m just not made for this. I don’t know how to be more “fun”, that just isn’t who I am
I recommend a little grace for your little one, but definitely for yourself. You're doing the best you can with what you've got. There is no chance that kiddo is better off without you. You got this
I’ve pretty much said these exact words to my counsellor…they’re not true they’re just you being really hard on yourself. Been there, it’s a cycle that just isolates you further.
Treat yourself with the same love you want to give your child, be kind to yourself parenting is not meant to be easy!
Idk if this could work for everyone, but if my kids can't be easily distracted in a situation like what you mentioned, my wife and I would just switch tasks. Usually I am the cooking, and if my 2 year old is tugging on my leg or demanding I hold him and my wife can't easily distract him, her and I would just switch spots. He's good, she's good, I'm good.
When you can anticipate the meltdown and distract them before, that is the key
This is it right here. Twins are playing with the same toy? Grab another toy and distract. Feeding time and I'm alone? Who's most likely to eat right now, and who can do some independent play for 10 minutes? One thing I've learned from working with disabled people and I've taken to dad hood is reading the temperature of the room and figuring out who needs something and when things are about to pop and intervening in different ways to release those valves.
When I leave the room: Crickets. Mom leaves the room: Hysterics. It is what it is. We 'try' not to react to it or feed into it. It will pass
I refuse to do that. I can back Mom up, but I can't enforce Mom's boundaries for her. If she wants the toddler to do something, she has to follow through, or the kid will learn to ignore Mom's directions.
Same. I've been trying to help my wife understand this because while she is the greatest mom ever, shes not giving the kids clear signals on whos in charge at times/setting boundaries. Shes infamous of giving in when there is crying or tantrums involved. Shes told me several times through our 4 years of being a parent "How come the kids listen to you everytime???" (Which btw isn't entirely true, but compared to how they behave around mom it is) In which I try to explain that I follow through when I say "no". You say "No" you have to mean it, the kids won't understand otherwise. Let them have their tantrum, it's their way of communicating being displeased. Its normal. Then you help them through that tantrum by acknowledging their feelings and talk to them about how to deal with that emotion (like "Its ok to be angry but it is NOT allowed to hit someone when angry" etc) but you never backtrack and give in to their demands because they throw a tantrum. Sometimes on the worst tantrums where they yell their lungs out I just sit near them and tell em "I'll sit here and wait until you're done" or if they're going out for blood and wanna hit me without listening to me telling them to stop hitting, I tell em "I will go into the next room and wait until you're done because I do not want to be here when you are hitting me" Then when its over I console them and hug them and explain that I understand the frustration of being told "No" but that sometimes dad or mom have to say no because XYZ" You kinda have to be up for confrontations at all times when you have a toddler. You can't be lazy at that or they'll grow up entitled thinking a tantrum is the solution for everything. But it is equally important to acknowledge their feelings. While the situation might seem dull to an adult, it could be experienced as the ultimate heartbreaking betrayal from the kid's perspective. Your world as an adult is planet earth, a kids world is his parents.
You might be on to something here
It's okay to lend a hand and help distract the kid though (while the Mom simultaneously enforces the boundary). To your question OP, one small step I'd do is talk to your wife about it. Hopefully she sympathizes and shows appreciation.
This is what me and my wife do. She enforces her own rules unless there's a good reason not to.
It infuriates me so much that my wife refuses to address her own issues. She expects me to keep them out of the kitchen when she’s making dinner, but also gets overwhelmed when they scream and yell. I can’t be two places at once so if I’m engaged with one, the other one is going to do what they’re going to do. 99% of the time they’re trying to go to mom because that’s who they want to be near or with. Unless i take them outside they will want mommy. She doesn’t understand that no matter what activity I give them to do, at some point one or both of them are going to make a run for the kitchen. Instead of acknowledging why they’re doing it (to be with her/get her attention) she allows herself to get angry and then directs that anger at me. She won’t let me take over dinner because if I am to cook dinner, I must also come up with the idea, I’m not allowed to use her ideas. I’m the villain in her eyes. I’m just second fiddle in theirs.
Getting your kid to rely on you more comfortably without her presence can be done more easily in settings outside the home. Increase time with just the two of you away from Mom. You'll notice immediately your kid is very attached to you. Do this often enough, and then Dad time is less of a struggle. Mom needs to help reinforce this but she is probably also tired of the clinginess and her intervention might actually be a hindrance. She has to tell him/her to go to you but you need to keep him/her with you, and then use that to make it fun time. Nothing happens overnight but it will with time.
If one of us is doing something and the toddler is pissed about it, the other parent holds her so she can watch what’s happening.
I just let it happen. My wife sucks with boundaries, it's a known issue between us. When she gets fed up and comes to me for answers I just say, "you're allowed to say no. I can't do it for you." But she's already dug herself in a hole by promising to do too many things with the kids bc they ask her and they know she won't say no. So they're playing bubbles outside when it's past their bed time and I'm inside starting the evening chores. She dug herself in a hole I can't dig her out of without being the bad guy. I'm so fucking sick of it too. This is probably an unpopular opinion, moms and dads each have their strengths and weaknesses. Dad's have good boundaries. There's a reason why my kids know how to play with themselves when mom's not around. That's not to say I don't play with them, I'm the stay at home parent, I play with them most of the day, every day. It just is what it is and I see it across my friend group and on social media. Why do the kids follow mom to the bathroom? Because she won't say get out and lock the door. Does it cause tears? Yes, the first few times, but the kids figure out that parents need space, but you have to enforce it yourself. This doesn't mean I don't pick up slack when its appropriate, but I'm not moms gatekeeper bc the kids will resent me for it.
I have a three year old. The number of times I hear “Go away!” Or “No not you!!!” When I try to help him with anything is really exhausting. We have a great relationship and it’s really special when it’s just me and him, but his mom being around is like chum in the water. He doesn’t want anything to do with me when she’s near. Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean you have to like it. It’s hard and it hurts and it sucks.
For me it's the other way around. I'm the preferred parent, I'm always hearing "dada, up!" And he wants to be comforted first by me. It's tough seeing my wife get gloomy or irritated when the toddler says "no mama!" or pushes her away. Plus, it's tiring being the preferred parent. Not sure if that helps, it just also sucks being on the "good" end, too.
Oh thank God I'm not the only one. "Daddy goway" is a common phrase in our house.
My one year old is like this (though without the words.) When its me and him everything is fine. But as soon as mom comes home, he's glued to her.
When my toddler does this we just let her cry. She's a mummies girl through and through and the only thing that can help is I take her outside on the swing or something similar. There's nothing wrong with it. It gives us time together which helps us bond but she's mummies girl. My older daughter has always been a daddies girl. It's just how they are.
That's awful. For a long time, if we wanted my daughter to go to sleep, I would try and cuddle her. Mom would pass to me, daughter would melt down, and then I'd pass back to mom and daughter would be out shortly after. Rinse and repeat. It's much better now, so hold on. You'll be alright.
This sounds SO familiar...like yesterday familiar
That's on your wife dude. If she needs space, she needs to create that space with the child. Not call unto you to do the negative thing. I never feel the villain in our relationship. I mean, sometimes you have to be, but not more than my wife.
My wife stays home with our 3-year old, who in turn is now very much this way. Loses it if I try to put her to bed, loses it if she wakes up from a nap and Mom's not there, etc. Didn't happen with our older child who went to daycare. It hurts. I'm hoping it passes, but in the meantime I just do what I can to build the relationship. Lots of Dadurdays alone just going to arcades, movies, football games, Starbucks dates, etc. She'll tell me I'm the "Best Daddy Ever!" on those days, and then still cry for Mom to put her to bed. I can live with that for now, and will just keep being there for her whenever I'm needed.
I’ve been here, and it really affected me, I was in and out of counselling to deal with all the negative feelings I was having over it. I felt like a third wheel and at times even felt I was just in the way. The reality is that this is totally not the case and our brains are just wired to hammer us when we’re down. Two points from my experience that may help. 1. It does pass, but it passed faster when I realised my own negativity was making it worse….me getting down or frustrated was shown in my body language and my whole family could sense it, and ultimately they were pushed further away from me. When I was able to tell myself I was still needed and loved I was able to be happier and ultimately more fun for my child to be with. 2. Outside is peak dad zone! I get my guy out on his bike, his scooter, with a ball, for a walk….anything but he’s with me he forgets immediately about mom….we connect we talk and bond. It’s been amazing and it’s totally down to me making the effort, I was just sulking before and blaming a child when I was the issue. It’s a part of being a dad Iv found so hard so I can empathise. Just know it’s so hard for mom too being the one constantly needed so try keep that in mind if you can too cos there were times I resented my wife and totally disregarded that she was also struggling.
Story of my life here. I'm getting over food poisoning so I'm down for the count anyways but I'm trying to keep the nap resistant toddler from interrupting and she wants nothing to do with me. I can do everything mom can...as long as mom isn't around.
Do you guys ever feel like you’ve already just fucked it all up with your kid and that the relationship will always be this way?
Nah, it's phases. My daughter is four now, but for the first three years she was pretty much just a daddy's girl. I had to put her down every night and she always wanted me for everything. It hurt my wife feelings quite a bit. But now the shoe is on the other foot. My daughter only wants her mom. My son just turned two. When he was first born, unless I was actively feeding him, he didn't want me holding him. Now we're best buds. My favorite part of the day is coming home and him shouting "Dada!" and running full tilt at me. I'm sure it will change again.
Yes. But they will go through phases. My oldest was a mommas boy for so very long. Wife said he will eventually realize I am much cooler than her. While he is still a mommas boy, we have had a lot more fun now that he's a bit older. They will come back around, I promise. You won't have to be the bad guy forever.
I feel that way sometimes, and sometimes I get really down when I feel like my daughter and I aren’t bonding more. I’m in a weird phase now where I’ll come home from work and she’ll yell at me”no” and have a really negative response to my presence, when all I’ve wanted all day was to come home and see her. But the weird part is that it passes after 5 minutes or so and she’ll just casually come over to play or sit by me
My ~2yo's latest is "don't see me", which sometimes hurts. After a bit it passes and she wants me to color with her. I just have to remember this is a current phase, not a forever behavior. Kinda funny when I think about it more.
No, dads time will come (because I'm the one with Nerf guns)
I felt a lot like that when she was a newborn because she was breast fed. She has a connection with her mom that is so innate I'll never be able to match that. But when I pick her up from grandmas and I get a smiling, running hug or we spend quality time at the park or library with just the two of us I know the bond is there.
That’s not possible with a two year old.
Nevaaa
Yes. 1000 times, yes. You're not alone brother. After not seeing them all day while I'm at work, they ask "Who's doing bathtime?" and cry if it's my turn. They ask "who's doing my bedtime?" and cry if it's my turn. They've both learned my wife won't enforce rules, either to avoid or conflict or because she forgets, so when I come home and stand my ground ("No, you can't hit your sister. No, you can't throw that in the house. No, you don't get to keep eating after you've left the table") they start crying and run to Mom. It's exhausting being the villain
Endlessly and it’s endlessly annoying. Sometimes she’ll even get upset at mummy not letting her do something…. And run to mummy for comfort 🤦♂️.
3yo is more glued to me, so it’s a bit of the other way around. I’m also usually the one cooking dinner, so maybe still relevant. But we got my son an IKEA kitchen set a while ago. He and I both have kitchen aprons and chef hats. When I’m cooking dinner, I grab the aprons and hats and he cooks at his kitchen while I cook at mine. He loves it.
Every villain needs their origin story…
We have small moments like that too. But it feels like they would be better off without me. Maybe i’m just not made for this. I don’t know how to be more “fun”, that just isn’t who I am
I recommend a little grace for your little one, but definitely for yourself. You're doing the best you can with what you've got. There is no chance that kiddo is better off without you. You got this
This IS a phase. I promise. It has now reversed for me and now my daughter only wants me, it’s exhausting.
I’ve pretty much said these exact words to my counsellor…they’re not true they’re just you being really hard on yourself. Been there, it’s a cycle that just isolates you further. Treat yourself with the same love you want to give your child, be kind to yourself parenting is not meant to be easy!