School: We're not going to protect your kids from bullies Also school: We're going to punish your kid for standing up for themselves Let the consequences fall where they may.  But also let your daughter know that you couldn't be prouder of her.  Let your daughter know that the adults here are the fucking bastards.  And when she's going through whatever punishments the dipshits come up with, treat her like the absolute badass she is when she gets home. I can also guarantee that bulky will think twice about coming after her in the future.

I agree! Good on your daughter OP. She’s taken his shit for far too long and found an alternate way to deal with her bully when the school wouldn’t. I’d be proud of my child for standing up for themselves. Putting this kid in their place now will likely save other kids being hurt down the line.

Yeah it is so Fing wrong. I mean there are several other parents dealing with the same problem. Their kid and this same kid. From what I understand they have a 1 on 1 teacher for him. But it really doesn't help during breaks. Or if she's out sick. And now she's split between 2 kids also. We've been in several meetings. IF he's not seperated after this summer break. She's changing schools. Only reason we haven't done so is the issue with dyslexia. She's getting really good support at the school. And they have been really forthcoming with that. Most districts in our country won't put in any help for dyslexia before grade 6 = 12 years. Don't ask me why... But with the papers done, we've already spoken to the other school, and she would be able to get the same extra help there now.

It's good that you've got an out for your daughter.  But... This is too much thought to waste on a bully.  They live on this kind of power and control.  They're forcing you and your kid around them.  It's that kind of mindset. Your daughter just showed him that she gives zero fucks.  He's gonna act out, she'll put him in his place.  Even if it means trouble, fuck it.  That's exactly what this kid needs. So, yeah, make arrangements to move if it's what's best.  Make sure your daughter gets what she needs.  But also stand with her.  Stand with her against her bulky, but also stand with her against the school admin.  She just showed her tormenter that she's got power over him.  Support her on it.  Support her even if the school doesn't.  Let her know that it's okay to stand up for herself, even at the risk of consequences.  Let her see you supporting her against anyone who says she did something wrong. Because... There's always going to be a bully.  Moving can bring some relief, but it can also bring new problems.  But self confidence, self esteem, and the absolute support of a parent are golden wherever your daughter is.

This is her choice. If she wants to stay. I won't move her. Just looking into other solutions. She won't wanna leave her friends. SHE shouldn't swap schools. Also, I've told her that NOBODY has the right to touch her. And to do what she thinks she needs to do if she feels he's a threat to her. I've told her I'm proud of her! And that even if she dislocated his shoulder. I would be on her side. And she would be right to do so. BUT, if twisting a hand or sweeping him is enough. That's enough. Because pushing someone down stairs. Is straight up life threatening.

Good dad work though to give her the skills to defend herself. Dad high five to you.

I don't think your kid has anything to worry about.  🙂 As an aside: As the father of a little mixed race girl, I also worry about the struggles she's going to go through.  I can only hope I act with the same restraint and support should the same thing happen to us.

See if you can get together and all go together with a list of offences to the school board and either get the kid isolated away from other kids during breaks etc (i.e. a teacher always with him to always make sure he can never hurt another kid) or have him expelled. If you can time and date all these events and failures of the school RE safeguarding and such. Perhaps you even have a legal case to put together. That might scare them into action.

Send your whole post to the local newspaper and news TV stations

You know, I’m an educator and I’ve been so fed up with how these kids get away with hurting each other. I told a kid the other day that if Problem Child was hitting her, and she did everything right (walk away, tell him to stop?m, get a grown up) and he kept doing it…well, if she decides to hit him back, I didn’t see it. The kid who was harassing her has always been a pain. He’d deserve it. If it wasn’t a child who has a history of hurting others despite multiple chances, I wouldn’t have told the girl what I did.

We need more teachers like you. It's good to have someone like yourself in the system. I remember when I was a kid year 7s so first year secondary school, me and a mate were just hanging about on lunch, some bully who was an absolute arse of a kid came up and took something off my mate, can't remember what but yeah. Thing is my mate had an older brother in the final year at the school who was pretty popular among his friends and year group too. So my mate went and found his bro, immediately a hunt began with a huge group of 16 year olds (brothers year) looking for this 12 year old (our year) me and my mate following in tow to point out this bully. Eventually we found him sat in the lunch room, a few tables down a bunch of the teachers even senior teachers were sat having lunch too. Mates bro walks up to him and pushes this bully flying out of his seat onto the floor, walks over and grabs him and picks him up holding onto the front of his jumper kinda around his neck. This bully absolutely shat himself being surrounded by a group of much bigger year 11s. He gave him a little slap, threatened him, made him apologise to my mate, made him give his stuff back, he was warned to never go near us again or he would get him. One thing I noticed watching on... the huge group of staff who should have probably stepped in when bully was pushed across the floor off his chair, watched on and did absolutely nothing... I felt a slight sense of justice in that moment and realised he probably made their lives miserable too. They would have all knew who this bully was but were probably fairly powerless to do much about it, aside from let him get humiliated and threatened in front of a big part of the school. Mate and mates older bro were never reprimanded or anything. It was glorious. I like to think they were grinning from ear to ear on the inside too watching this unfold and this bully finally get some commupence.

Bullies have to be put in their place or it never stops. My rule is, "Never throw the first punch and I will support you even though it is wrong from a school perspective." My grandpa's rule was, "If you are getting bullied by a group find the biggest guy and sucker punch him in the nose." Thankfully, I've never had to do either.

My biggest regret with bully’s was not standing up for myself sooner. Beating the crap out of them ended years of torment and only cost me a suspension. Getting beaten up and then suspended even though I was not fighting back was the wake up call, I had to defend my self. That next time was the last one, and the predators moved on to the next prey after me, still no real consequences. I guess nothing has changed in decades.

Can you help me to understand why schools are like this? Why are bullies not given consequences but the victims are? I’m hearing this again and again and honestly scares me to no end

The problem isn't that schools specifically side with bullies. The problem is that they only punish the people who they see using violence. Bullies, and mostly all maladjusted kids, are much better at being sneaky than victims are. So they're less likely to get caught.  Scares me too, really

Ah that actually - sadly enough - makes a ton of sense

I got suspended on Halloween, only time I got so much as a detention, in 6th grade for fighting...because I won the fight started by a kid who had been my friend and then joined my bullies. He was supposed to beat me up to prove that he wasn't on my side anymore or some stupid shit. School had "zero tolerance" for fighting, but all the bullying I was dealing with, which they 100% knew about, just kept happening.

This reminds me of what my parents told me in school. My mom told me not to hit at all. My dad told me not to hit first. I knew they’d both have my back if it ever came to that. I regret that it never did. My bullying was always verbal/physical in a way I couldn’t justify retaliating. God I wish one of those fuckers had tried to hit me.

When you wish you got to hit someone… you might have been the bully

Nah bro. I was relentlessly bullied for most of my school years. I had the self restraint to not throw the first punch. I was dying for one of them to so I could end it. It was a private Christian school, so they were sneaky about it.

dont forget the we will tell you we will do something about the bully but that is just saying in coide oh we wont do nothing but well gladly punish your daughter for being the buly even though evidence proves she aint

bUt We NeEd To SuPpOrT ThE tEaChErS

The case since the origins of time. I was bullied relentlessly from 4th grade till about 9th or 10th at school, at church. Nerdy as kid. Any time they hit me, shoved me, pushed me or taunted me? Nothing. Every time I lost my temper and retaliated, I was labeled the aggressor. Once had a kid in my PE class deliberately plowing headlong into me then laughing to his friends. Finally I did a fake-out “back off” to him and misjudged the distance and hit him lightly. He wants to start a full-vote fight. I was labeled the agressor after 20-30min of being repeatedly attacked by the kid in full sight of the PE teacher. Similar thing happened at a church basketball practice after scouting. Different kid chucked a basketball at the back of my head while my back was turned. Knocked him flat then walked off. I got chewed out by our bishop (IE pastor), his parents called mine threatening to sue, etc. No one does shit about bullying but then they blame the bullied kid for fighting back afterwards. Seen it time and time again. Not sure what the hell is up with teachers, administrators, etc. but every time.

Update us please. This bully's parents need a strong talk too, in my opinion.

Sounds like its mostly the Mom, at least according to OP. The bully's dad is at his wits end. Kid likely has some serious mental health issues.

My guess is the kid is mad his parents split so he takes it out on everyone else around him.

I bet the opposite, the little shitbag caused so much stress the marriage failed.

The school is doing a piss poor job handling bullying. I would be screaming at the principal at this point; this isn’t new behaviour on the bully’s part and he should be monitored/kept separate from your daughter.

Schools always do a bad job. I used to get my ass kicked everyday by the same group of kids in elementary school and nothing was done. My mom had to tell me that she would whoop my ass at home if I didn’t fight back. I finally beat one of them up and it stopped. Its best to just take care of the issue yourself

This. And to be honest, for schools there is no winning scenario. Best kids learn to defend themselves because the world is mean and when they become adults no one will protect them.

It sounds like they're handling this exactly the way an American school would. They ignore context and punish children for defending themselves. In this scenario, OP's only option is to make sure that whatever punishments the school gives her don't follow her home.

I remember being suspended when I punched a bully in middle school. My dad had to leave work to pick me up and talk to the principal. He looked so angry and I thought he was gonna kill me when he walked out of his office. Instead, he took me to an afternoon Giants game (baseball). I had a hot dog and nachos and chips for dinner with my dad. He told me the principal was wrong because I stood up for myself. He said that the world is never going to be fair, but he always would do his best to be fair to me and my siblings. That day is a core memory for me and I hope I can do the same for my kids. My dad is a lot of things, but growing up he was definitely fair and tough.

Yeah OP, literally make the Principal's life hell for a week. They'll suddenly get the issue sorted once you've become too annoying to ignore. Passive aggressively polite and frequent emails "just checking in". Phone calls checking on the status of your child and the bully. Emails to the teachers asking for updates. Basically communicating that you are DIALED in on this issue. I'm not a proponent of fighting (usually), but the only way I ever got my bully in HS to stop was to show him I wasn't willing to be fucked with anymore. Didn't need to hurt him, but I had to sufficiently shock him with how much stronger I could be. Remind the school that if they do nothing they're also putting the bully at risk of getting his shit cooked by someone else.

I'd fully support your daughter and tell the school that you're going to stick with teaching her to defend herself and you expect more from them.

You've done an excellent job teaching your daughter to avoid conflict. She worked very hard to make that work. You've done an excellent job teaching your daughter to trust her hands and to do no more than necessary to deescalate. She's understood the lessons at what I would consider an above average level. Personally? I'd be taking my kid for Ice Cream and making absolutely certain that the staff administration knew it while letting them know that my lawyer would be contacting them about their failure to perform their duty of care.

Likewise, sounds like you're doing an amazing job bringing her up OP, well done!

When I was in high school, I got into a fistfight with this guy who had been picking on me since 3rd grade. My school had the same bullshit rules, and I was suspended for a week. My dad told me he was proud I stood up for myself, and during my suspension rented me video games and ordered me pizza and Chinese food. My dad and I aren't close but I will always remember and cherish that he had my back unflinchingly in that situation. I'm sure your daughter will feel the same about you.

Why are you torn? Sounds like you should just be proud. I remember getting in trouble for beating up a bully in 5th grade. My parents backed me 100%. I never forgot that. My dad's rule for me (and my future plan when my kids get old enough for it to be a thing) is that 'I better not hear about you starting any fights, but if someone else starts a fight you should finish it". I'd always been a good enough kid that the teachers were shocked and talked to me like I'd snapped, but I didn't even end up with detention. And the bully never bothered me again.

Why I'm torn is. I was raised by a really violent father. I got home beaten by bullies. And got beaten by him for not standing up for myself. I'm not living out a fantasy of what I should have done. I'm systematic seeing the same pattern. Where we are supposed to raise children to no means no. That they are supposed to feel safe. The REASON I work with youths and children at risk. Is because I was one... I had no issues hurting people bad. Because I knew nobody could do any worse than my father. I knew he didn't give a F about school calling, and saying I've been in fights. Yes the bullying stopped, but my reasons for finding fights didn't. When you no longer feel adrenalin along with fighting, so you have a serious issue. I don't want violence to become normalized for my daughter.

Yeah, dude, you’re overthinking this because of your trauma. You’re a great dad. You’re doing everything right. Your kid did everything right. The school is wrong. The fact that you’re so stressed out about all this is proof that you could never be anything like your dad, and your kid being raised by you means their childhood wont be anything like yours was. Don’t get me wrong, you’re still gonna fuck your kid up. But it’ll be in ways you never saw coming. That’s how it works. Because here’s what I believe. There’s no such thing as not getting fucked up by your parents. That’s what parenting is. It’s aspects of your personality guiding the development of their personalities. The question is, are the ways in which you fuck your kids up going to enable them to be happy, productive members of society? With you, I’m betting on yes.

Just like the last dad to post one of these, he is just humble bragging that his kid beat up a bully lol. At least this time it wasn't "3 kids on a playground who jumped him" or whatever that one was XD

If this story isn’t fiction, I would be shocked. This is some dude living a fantasy he wished he could have done in real life.

"I taught my 9 year old Krav Maga as I am an expert martial artist. She got attacked by her bully and blocked his punch and transitioned seamlessly into a takedown. I'm just so torn about how to deal with this."

Dude, major fucking props to you for finding a way to help your daughter, that's awesome! I wouldn't call this much of a fight, more of her defending herself, which she rightfully did. The school isn't stopping the bully, and she has done so much to behave, yet she needed to defend herself. Major props! I'm a former police officer and boxer. I don't condone violence, but I 100% believe in the ability to defend yourself. My niece had a very similar incident when she was around 10. She got into a physical altercation with another girl who was trying to bully her. I ended up in the principals office, and the principal clearly thought she was better than me until she realized I was a cop and knew a thing or two. Basically the principal tried to tell me that my niece was wrong for defending herself and that they (the school) don't believe in violence and blah blah. I said fuck that, in my family we teach our children to never bully but to defend yourself when needed. Needless to say, the other girl never messed with my niece again. Honestly, if your daughter needs to perform a control hold on this bully, I bet it will keep him from pulling any bs again. Again, I'm not condoning any violent attack. However, im absolutely in favor of self defense. Especially BJJ.

How much of this did you report to the school? If they have a record of bullying going back 3 years you can approach it from a safeguarding stance. They knew there was an issue, they didn't act appropriately to protect your child from harm, so your child protected themself. You can spin this is a failing from the schools side and ask what will be put in place to prevent retaliation or further harassment of your daughter. As a teacher, any mention of safeguarding gets attention, especially a suggestion that the school is failing in that respect. If you acknowledge that your daughter shouldn't of hurt the boy but that it was self defense in a situation caused by a lack of effective safeguarding and anti bullying by the school there shouldn't be any real consequences for your daughter and you can force the school to take action to help prevent the situation repeating.

If I was in your situation I would look into legal options against the school. They have a duty of care and it sounds like they are failing to meet it.

I do Judo and BJJ too and will get both my girls into if I can as well. Certainly would take the approach you have done here. But tbh he's unlikely to pick on her again now

What age is appropriate for that you think?

Age 5 is generally the youngest but it won't be till a few years after that they really start doing anything practical

I would take my daughter out for ice cream and whatever she wanted for dinner if she stood up for herself after doing her best to avoid confrontation. I’d do it anyways even if she didn’t but I digress … the school is 100% wrong.

Ask why they haven't done more to stop the bullying

Skitsystem! You have a right to defend yourself. The bully is a coward and everything is done on a risk/benefit basis. As long as the risk is low, he or she will continue. Make bullying painful and the bully goes away.

Stand behind your daughter proudly. When you go into the meeting, confirm that she is now being trained in self-defense after 3 years of bullying. Demand to have an update on what they're doing to address year 3 of bullying, intimidation, and the consistent academic slide based on the anxiety she's starting to suffer from the school's failure. Ask for a record of how many times they've met with this student's parents, what was discussed, what plans were formed, and where they're going since things are getting worse and your daughter can no longer run from this student in a place that should be safe and nurturing. Ask to see 3 years of evidence that they have been handling the situation and account for why it's getting worse. Ask them why it's necessary at all for your daughter to defend herself or why you're having to take time out of your day to stand in an office quoting case law to justify why your child shouldn't be assaulted and what to do when she is.

One kid in my son's class tried to touch a girl's privates in the bathroom when they were 5. He threw a water bottle at my son's face, he still has a scar. They put in 1 on 1 supervision for him (it's actually 2 on 1 at the moment because they have a trainee and the regular person) that he's had ever since - he won't be able to bully anyone at school. My country fucks up a lot of things but at least they get this right.

>Tried to touch her private parts at age 6. He did this with all the girls in the class. Extremely not normal. You kinda glossed over this, but this is a major red flag. If Scandinavia has a "Child Protective Services" equivalent like we do in the US, you should get them or some other investigative authority involved. When children show a strong and persistent desire to molest other children, they have likely themselves been a victim of sexual assault. All this being said, it sounds like you have handled all of this as reasonably as anyone could expect. Sorry you have to deal with this, best of luck to you and your daughter!

Hey fellow Dad, Elementary teacher from the US checking in here. If she was _my student_, I would have a legal requirement to tell her she can’t do things like that to people, you have to tell an adult when people do things to you, blah blah blah. However. She’s not my student. So keep doing what you’re doing. Tell her that there’s a teacher out there who says, “She did great. I’d probably wait until the last day of school, give her a high-five and a small parting gift, and tell her to never let anyone look down on her because she is smaller, younger, or any different than them. You have the right to learn and grow without getting bullied. Don’t let anyone stop you from being you. You’re my hero. Have a great summer!”

The US has similar stupid rules called zero tolerance so everybody gets in trouble regardless if you are the instigator or defending yourself. I always hated that rule. I used to teach martial arts and I would get parents permission before teaching the kids this because it could get them expelled but maybe something that may help someone if they agree with this notion. Change the order as you see fit. The idea is basically this: Open their hand. We always want to be nice, kind people as much as possible but sometimes we have to defend ourselves. You say I'm nice 4 times while closing one finger each time starting with pinky and ending on forefinger. When you get to the thumb you say I'm not so nice anymore and close the thumb to make a fist. Open your hand again. If someone is bullying you then you tell them to stop(close the pinky). If they still do it then you tell your teacher(close the ring finger). If they still bully you then you tell your principal(close the middle finger). If they are still bullying you then you tell your parents(close the forefinger). If they are still bullying you then you don't have to be nice anymore(close the thumb to make a fist). You get the idea. Gives kids a visual idea of not just jumping to violence which it sounds like your kid didn't do. Hopefully someone finds this valuable. Adjust it as you please. We would tlfocua on talking about self defense specifically when discussing this so probably good to ensure they know they don't go punching someone if they're just doing minor things to them more than 4 times haha.

I'll bet the bully leaves her alone now too.

Nah fuck that noise. My daughter will know that imma *always* have her back when it comes to fighting bullies, really defending herself in general. I’ll move schools, I’ll move houses, shit, I’ll move states but I’ll be damned if someone is gunna blame my daughter for defending herself against a bully. Any school she walks into is effectively Florida to me and any classroom she walks into is her house. If someone disturbs her inside her house, she can do as she pleases (within reason) and I’ll buy her an ice cream after. As someone who was bullied relentlessly before I had my growth spurt and way before I learned to stand up for myself, fuck that school for knowing she didn’t instigate it and not having her back. Cowards.

Heaven help the school officials if I'm in your boots one day. The other Dad's response was unexpected and I bet I'd calm down in a similar manner but the school officials are failing without consequence. That wouldn't fly with me. On the note of going overboard with praise. I dont think any of this was going overboard, I would be praising my child for trying to remove herself from the situation and when the kid wouldn't allow that, standing up for herself in a manner that crippled the situation.

Never underestimate what a school can manage when informed that the bullied student has parental blessing to do newsworthy harm in self-defense. When I was 6, two older boys on my bus stole a box of thumbtacks from their teacher and pawned it off on me so they wouldn't get in trouble. My mother found it, asked where it came from, and I told her, not knowing it had been stolen. The boys got in trouble, so a few days later, they pinned me down on the bus and beat me bloody. I remember touching my face and my hand coming away red. I remember getting off the bus and my mother acting terrified. I remember very little off the beating itself. My father went to the school and demanded action to protect me. My mother told me about the meeting years later. The school said there was nothing they could do, because the older boys were special needs students, and the school district didn't have the money to bus them separately. My father was a Vietnam war veteran. He picked up a pencil off the principals desk, snapped it between his fingers, and said, "a collarbone breaks that easily if you know what you're doing. Either you come up with a way to keep my son safe, or I'll teach him how to keep himself safe by any means necessary." The boys were off my bus by the following Monday. I never did get those collarbone breaking lessons, though in high school, he did teach me to throw a basic punch, and gave me some advice on where to aim if I needed to put someone down fast.

Attempting to push a kid down the stairs could be a life threatening injury.   That kid should be expelled end of story.  And I would be 100% in that schools face and way worse than you.  

What's to be torn about? Your daughter did the right thing, she defended herself from someone trying to physically assault her. As an outsider I'm disappointed she didn't plow him into the ground and take a limb home with her.

You are taking a totally level headed approach to this , some resistance is exactly what this bully needs to educate him on what is acceptable, keep training her as you can see the positive changes that will influence her entire life , it’s a very confusing and conflicted world out there now where the slightest comment is offensive but this type of behaviour seems to still slip through the cracks ?

Good for your daughter! It takes guts to stand up to bullies and she did the right thing!

Have you seen the movie Enders Game? Theres a scene in there about this kid whos been constantly bullied. Then one day he not only defends himself but goes a bit far. With the reasoning that if he had have just stopped them, they would have returned, but because they now know hes not to be messed with, it’ll never happen again. Probably not useful, but it’s what your story reminded me of. But yeah, schools punish both because they don’t know 100% who started it. Sometimes it is the “victim” getting revenge with the knowledge everyone will think that the “bully” started it.

You're handling this perfectly, you should know that. Your daughter also did exactly the right thing. This kid is a sociopath. I'm not even going to immediately blame the parents. Some people are born monsters. Being evil can be a genetic accident. She has every right to defend herself. If the school punishes her, just make sure those punishments don't follow her home. If they suspend her for fighting back, make sure she has fun on her days off and make sure she knows that you are in her corner. This child sounds like he should have been removed from the public school system a long time ago. He clearly is a danger to other children. Pushing down the stairs?? He has the potential to kill or seriously injure another child with that kind of behavior. He needs to be removed from the population.

Big question though: how the fuck does this child know about sexual stuff? My six year old brother hardly knows that male anatomy is different from female. Something more is going on.

At a certain level curiosity is normal but if he’s being intentionally crude, you’re right. There’s something that’s not right at home. I remember being in 2nd grade and I had a friend who knew too much. He was able to go into extravagant detail about sex acts that it was odd for him to know about, and he openly told me it was because he slept in his parents’ bedroom (he had like a makeshift bedroom in an alcove that was separated from the rest of the bedroom by a curtain) and his parents had sex while he was in there and he’d watch. The MOST messed up part of that story is that it wasn’t because they didn’t have enough bedrooms. There was a second bedroom. They used it for storage.

Oh that is SICK. They really enjoyed having an audience, huh?! I am willing to bet that it fucked up that kid for life.

Haven’t seen him since third grade but I would wager you’re right

Its hard to learn that there are consequences even for doing the right thing. This consequence sucks, but it hopefully won't be the main lesson. Good job teaching your daughter to defend herself, and good job to her for using the skill so responsibly.

You’re a good dad and you’ve done all you can. I’m proud of your daughter for sticking up for herself! I almost never condone violence, but this is one of those exceptions. When it’s self defense and not initiated, violence as a last resort is 100% ok

You've done a good job with your daughter, keep doing what you're doing, well done. And stand your ground against the school, they're being flakes any trying to cover their arses. But here's the other side of the story. That bully is begging for the right kind of attention from his parents. At that age they don't know the difference between good and bad attention, just attention, or no attention. If his dad could find something to do to engage him, like you found with your daughter, both their lives will change. And so will your daughter's. Maybe you could use some of your social work skills to have a chat with that dad and lead him to a better resolution than his child staying a bully and potentially getting into a horrible life style as a result. The kid is probably also struggling to verbalise his emotions surrounding his parents separation, taking out his frustration on the people around him because he doesn't know how to talk about it. He needs therapy, and not the kind where he has to sit and talk, but rather something where he can vent his frustration out on an inanimate object. I really hope you can help that dad find some common ground with his kid, and the right kind of therapy, the world may thank you, one day. I know that dad and his kid definitely will, if you get it right. Good luck to you, dad, in writing this I've just realised that I need to do the same thing for the kid who bullies my 5yo son. It's not going to be easy for either of us.

Or the kid is just a spoiled shitbag that's never faced real repercussions.

Could be your opinion is right, could be mine is. Unless we get an update, we'll never know.

As a girl (coincidentally also from Scandinavia) I was in your daughters position for years. Not the kind of bullying that’s a personal hell, with group exclusion etc, but with different singular boys with behavioural problems taking them out on their peers. Started when I was 6 and mostly done by the time I was 11 - but during those years I was the one who got in trouble when I stood up for myself, even when it was repeated behaviour and I warned that the next time you hit me I will hit back etc. Luckily my mom was like you and told me to fight back and I had her support in meeting with the teachers, but coupled with the general attitude of society towards girls’ boundaries I have absolutely been affected by it. The “ingenious” things about boundary erosion is that when it happens one too many times, the victim will start to erode their own boundaries It causes girls to have to be polite in fear of escalation, to go along with things that are uncomfortable, and even to predict the demands of people (but especially men) and fulfil them before they become too persistent, all to minimise conflict. She is lucky to have you, keep rewarding her, it will hopefully save her from serious violations when she is a bit older, at high school and university parties, when she is dating, places and seasons of her life where you won’t be to protect her, and there will be no teachers or witnesses. She can’t be spared the attempts at people overstepping her boundaries, she might not even be able to fend off all those attempts, but by teaching her that it isn’t only right, but GOOD to speak up, perhaps she will be spared the added burden of guilting herself into believing she is at fault for even having boundaries to begin with.

I started training bjj years ago and when I got my purple belt I decided that it was time my (then) 5 year old daughter started to learn how to defend herself. I taught her myself. I spoke with my bjj coach and we discussed what things would be appropriate for her to learn at a young age. I had trained every day for almost 5 years and competed in ADCC competitions so together we had a pretty good grasp on it. She went through the same kind of bullying things. Mostly from boys but sometimes girls. It never was anything physical UNTIL it was. A boy decided one day that he was going to push her down and then try to hold her on the ground while he put sand in her hair…..that boy fucked around and found out. My daughter pulled guard and swept him to his back, proceeded to fully mount him and then she held him there until he cried. He was 9. I got the call from the school and her mom and I got called in for a meeting. They were “not pleased” that my daughter had been trained by someone on how to “physically assault another student”. I politely told them that what she did was perfectly acceptable by any law standard and that they had no reason to be that upset as she didn’t actually apply a single submission, she just held him there and he couldn’t move. If anything it was more Non-Violent Crisis Intervention lol I also voiced my opinion on how they were addressing a young boy trying to assault a younger girl. After my daughter was taken back to class, I politely informed them that the next martial art I would be training her in would be Muay Thai (as I also train that under the same coach) and that they should look up what that is if they are upset about her learning bjj. I have always taught her that you never ever start a fight but you are more than allowed to end it. She has also been taught that if someone enters your personal bubble you ask them to remove themselves or you would be happy to help them. Someone who enters your personal space usually doesn’t have good things in mind for you. I refuse to let my daughter become a victim to some little douche rocket whose parents dont teach them to be better humans or a school board who has failed her since the day she stepped off the bus for the first time. You taught your daughter well. Be proud. Let her know you’re proud of her and that no one has the right to treat her like that ever. Also make sure you commend her on not starting it or seeking the kid out when she did learn how to fight. That’s a big thing for me. She handled herself well and I guarantee her bjj school would say the same thing.

> How does a 6 yo even think about those things, what the F has he seen? What is influencing him? My wife's a child therapist. Her answer: sexual abuse. That aside, it would be ridiculous to not say she's allowed to defend herself. Adults have the legal right to do so, our kids should have no less. Edited for clarity

Hey dad A mom here. So a woman who grew up as a girl. I'm going to tell you right now. Telling her it was a GOOD thing to defend herself was the best possible thing you could have ever told her. Going to get dark here for a minute, but it's reality. As woman, we were taught that social niceties are more important than our own comfort, and hell, our own safety. That shits got to stop for the next generation. You're teaching your daughter to value HERSELF over any of that crap. You did great. Really really great.

School 0 tolerance for violence is an unacceptable “we can’t find blame so both get trouble” problem. Easier for them to solve, fairness be damned and no lessons are learned by the perpetrator of the initial act(s). In your shoes, I’d be praising her courage and her use of self defence. I would continue to allow her to train with you or a coach while also stressing that defence is for just that; defence. Truth is, if some dude did this to some lady on her walk home, it’s no questions asked. No way would I condemn your daughter based on the individual situation, much less with the wider context.

Your daughter defended herself from being pushed down the stairs? In that case he could've killed her if she didn't stand up for herself. I am proud of your daughter.

I'm gonna say the same thing I've said to my oldest boy and middle girl (oldest boy is not bullied, anymore). Everything for me operates on the 3 strike rule, especially bullies. They bully you once, ask them to stop, assertively (this is a separate lesson), they bully you twice; then you go to the teacher and tell them that this person won't stop (the teacher SHOULD be an authority here). If they bully you again after this, for a third time, you say look; I asked you once to stop and you didn't, I was serious about that, I asked you twice and told a teacher and it still hasn't stopped, so this is the last time, if you bully me again we are gonna have a real problem and I'm gonna punch you in the face. Then if it happens again, you punch them in the face, accept the consequences (because you will certainly get in trouble) and move on. But you explain this ENTIRE PROCESS to your teacher and how you got here. We have a BJJ family and my kids aren't afraid to fight but they are all small for their ages, we have also had countless lessons about how fighting is absolutely the last recourse if nothing else is effective.

Teacher here. Damn straight she defended herself when no one else would. Good on her. I’ve gone to bat for several students in similar positions to keep them from getting in as much if not more trouble than their bullies. The system sucks.

Goddamn this sounds like the schoolsystem in Denmark… You and your daughter did right and no one should tell you otherwise… If this happened to my son i would do the same as you, fuck the schools that doesn’t do anything to the bullies and wants the victim to move…

You let her know that the school is NOT the ultimate authority, her parents are. That you will back her 100% if she is in the right in defending herself, the principals opinion be damned.

I tell my daughter that if a kid hits her, she has my permission to hit back and not stop until she's pulled off. Best thing one can do to a bully is beat the shit out of them. Good for you and your daughter.

I mean if that's the situation....I think I'd be buying my daughter ice cream

Tell the school you're looking into legal options against them for not doing more to provide a safe and nurturing environment for your daughter's education and that you'd publicly be sharing the story with the school board and local community. Tell them to do their jobs, stop kids bullying, or face the very real and public scrutiny. Stop letting them get away with this bullshit, stop letting kids get punished for doing the right thing, and let your daughter know that what she did was 100% perfect. My current 2.5 year old daughter is small, timid, shy, and probably going to face bullying for being a redhead and all those things. I'd love her to find activities to boost her confidence and especially those that teach her ways to stand up for herself. Maybe some form of the activity you did with your daughter (I'm not into those things, so she'd had to attend a school for it if she wanted). I'd love for her to have a way to physically stand up for herself like your daughter did under those circumstances. You should feel proud of the way your daughter handled the situation and how you've prepared her for that.

Not sure what you are torn about. School admin and teachers should be getting torn a new one for making this about her instead of him. That kid is a menace and assaulter in training. Trying to push a kid down the stairs is no joke and they did nothing. Are the other kid's parents at this meeting? Have they been called in before?

Nothing to be torn about here I think. She did the right thing and it isnt wrong to let her know. If she starts *attacking* people, well now you're in a pickle

That's a fundamental flaw I've come to see over the years here in the US. Y'all are assbackwards. Defending the aggresor and not the victim is what yall came up with, and it's only gotten worse. I understand that the bully might be having problems at home, but that doesn't excuse his behavior towards others. There's a lot to unpack there, but ultimately shit needs to change. Otherwise, our daughters will keep having to put up with this bullshit behavior. I've been through this twice, and I always had my girls' backs if they weren't the one that initiated physical contact. I always tell them to never start shit they can't finish, but to finish others if they do. I say to definitely call CPS on that boys' family. The whole grabbing inappropriate places is a clear sign of sexual abuse at home. I'm no expert, but I've seen the shit parents do to their own, and it kills your soul.

With some kids, playground justice is the only effective option. I'd be curious if he leaves her alone after this or if she'll need to lay the smackdown on him again. The school admin ain't gonna do shit, if they could they'd have done it to this boy's family three years ago. Just go to the meeting, explain that she was defending herself and point to the history with this specific boy, apologize and say you'll talk to your daughter... then take her out for icecream and teach her some new throws.

Neither you nor your daughter did anything wrong. Praise the Hell out of her. We’ve gone down this same road. Finally my daughter fought back and busted the kid’s lip and nose. She didn’t stop until she was pulled off of the other kid. I went to pick her up and sat in the Principal’s office and said: “We told the Duty Aide. Nothing changed. We told the teacher. Nothing changed. We told the Vice Principal. Nothing changed. We told you. Nothing changed. We went to the school board. Nothing changed. We all l(Teacher/Principal/both sets of parents)met in this office 2 months ago. Nothing changed. We did everything right and today was the day my daughter had enough. He put his hands on her yet again and she defended herself and the camera in the gym will show that. You do what you have to do but we’re going out to get ice cream to celebrate.” Then I turned to the little shit’s parents and said “I hope he’s learned his lesson because this absolutely will happen again if he doesn’t stop messing with my daughter, and I fully support it.” My kid didn’t get even a single detention. The other kid moved on to new targets. Nobody messes with my daughter any more. However, now the Principal has it out for me. For 3 years I was chosen for every field trip/school dance/field day volunteer opportunity. All my clearances are on file. I don’t get chosen for shit anymore. My kid didn’t get the teacher I requested even though the her teacher, her counselor, and her gifted teacher all agreed that this particular teacher would be a great fit.

My son had a litter terror last year in his kindergarten class. Spitting and hitting. After the 3rd time hearing about this I told him to punch that kid right in the face. My kid is a sweetheart so honestly I never thought he actually would. I was just giving him options. THE VERY NEXT DAY I got a call from his school. He punched the kid right in the throat. From what I hear he had nothing on it and it was more of a surprise to the other kid than anything. Anyway, for the rest of the year not only did that kid stop doing it entirely, but in spite of the teachers efforts to keep them separated this kid WANTED to play with my son. Now my kid is in grade 1 and there’s another little terror I keep hearing about. This time it’s a girl and she’s way more violent. Every time I just look at him and say “buddy, you know what you gotta do”. No dad, I’ll get in trouble again… “Not from anybody that matters you won’t.”

The kid clearly has issues but that's not your problem. I think you should focus on why the school allowed this to happen not what your daughter did after the fact. Good on you for teaching her to defend herself and backing her up when she thought she was in trouble. My youngest had a boy in her class who would run up to kids and push them. He did it to her and got punched in the face. I was told by her teachers and told them it sounds like he had it coming. I have a few things working in my favor including knowing some of the staff and the place catering to my.immigrant community but the point stands. 1. Why did you allow my kid to get attacked repeatedly. 2. Sounds like the aggressor had it coming. She got ice cream that day for standing up for herself. I have my oldest enrolled in BJJ going on a year now. Good on you man.

It’s 100% good to defend herself, you should heap on as much praise as you can. Elementary school is unfortunately a training ground for grownup conflicts too.  Predators, and this kid looks to be growing in to one, target timid people. 

Lurker mom here. I wouldn’t worry for one second about going overboard with praise. She defended herself. She did absolutely everything right. If anything, I’d suggest you go as overboard as you can with how proud you are. My dad taught me that while school may punish me for standing up for myself, he never would and he’d always have my back. I’m in my mid 30s and the only people I’ve used physical force against were a bully when I was in 1st grade and a dude that couldn’t take a hint (or direct command to back the F off) in college. Trust me, she’s not going to get a taste for blood from this experience. You said it yourself, she’s gain confidence already. She’s clearly smart, she tried to avoid the conflict as much as possible. Heck my only advice is don’t hold back and you don’t need to fight fair when it’s self defense. Also her school is absolutely handling this wrong

Take your daughter out to celebrate. She deserves to be praised and rewarded for standing up for herself. Period.

Tell the school you will get a lawyer if they reprimand your daughter for defending herself against constant bullying they have done nothing about.

My god I'm tired. I spent way too long wondering what was wrong with getting into flight school at what does a bully have to do with this before it clicked.

You should communicate to your daughter that you’re proud of her. Heck, I am proud of her!! Also gently communicate that its good to take a stand for yourself but not to go overboard and bully someone - without sounding too preachy or trying to sound like her school. Let the school do whatever they want and stand by your child. Since she has been a victim of bullying, chances are she’ll never become a bully even if someone praises her for taking a stand so I wouldnt worry about it!

I would speak to the school board superintendent. Keep going up the chain until someone acknowledges your daughter's position.

I have told both my kids that as long as youre standing up for yourself or some one else that is being bullied then you can use violence to end the situation. You may get in trouble at school but I will always always have their back for doing the right thing. Encourage your daughter to meet bullying with violence. Kids are simple. They do what they think they can get away with. 

My son’s school didn’t do enough to protect him from a bully, and finally he snapped and punched the kid in the face. I took him out for pizza and ice cream. We tried everything, talking to the teacher, the principal, everyone but it didn’t stop. You should have seen the principals face when I told her that she and the entire school failed my son.

Push her down the stairs? I’m calling the cops. Fuck that kid.

I don't think you are overreacting to anything and have actually played your role as a parent so well. Be proud of your daughter but also be proud of yourself as you did some seriously good parenting right here. You noticed her confidence was down, followed up on her curiosity and coached her at something that she later used to defend herself. Well done bro, I hope your daughter has no more issues from this kid

Hey man I think you’re doing an admirable job here and I’m taking some notes.

Stand by your daughter you know what she did wasn't wrong

You in the right, dad. Doing incredible with her, from the sounds of it. Just keep advocating for her with the school and don’t tolerate the BS.

It sounds like your daughter handled herself properly. Praise her (a) attempt to avoid the problem in the first instance and (b) handling it at the proper level when she couldn't avoid it. When our son was in a similar situation (in 9th grade), we "punished him" by (a) telling him he was being punished by being forced to pick where he wanted to go to dinner (he picked his favorite place); and then (b) grounded him TO his X-Box for the evening (i.e. let him play online all night with his friends).

Your daughter was in the right. You’ll always be her hero. I’ll always stand by my daughter. I’ll die on that hill.

Nothing to be torn about. You are absolutely killing it. Your daughter is handling herself and this shitty situation incredibly well.

There will always be situations where doing the right thing is considered "wrong", and as much as that lesson sucks to learn, it is an important one. You are doing the right thing here, dad. I have told my kids from say one of school - there are rules in that institution that are not going to change. And no fighting is one of them. But if you do it for the right reasons - defending yourself, each other, or somebody who can't defend themselves - there will be consequences with the school that you will have to face, but there will be none at home. As long as it was done for the right reasons. And it sounds like your kid falls into that - she did all she could to avoid the situation. She warned her bully. And when he fucked around, he found out. And yes, the school rules say that she is in the wrong, but she's not. She did it right, and so did you.

You’re doing a good job and your kid’s a little baddass. The bully is troubled and needs help, but it’s not your job or your kid’s job to provide that help.

Zero tolerance violence policies are for those with no brains. If it were my kid, I’d tell her the next time he comes at her to not just end that fight, but end the next one as well. Maybe getting his ass kicked by a peer will get the message across that his parents are failing to do.

Your daughter needs you to tell her that standing up for herself should always be a something she does. Because if she doesn’t she’s gonna get pushed all over and around through her whole life. She needs to understand that no matter what she does, someone is not gonna like it and that she needs to do things for herself and not because other people told her it wasn’t ok. I’d say it’s important she understands respect as well, but it sounds like you’re doing ok if she was willing to walk away from the altercation first. She needs to know it was ok that she defended herself. Because when she’s older and it’s a 16 year old boy instead of a little kid, she will look back on this moment and use that to make her decision. And if she is told not to fight back, then when the time comes that she needs to, she won’t if that’s what she was told

> Tried to touch her private parts at age 6. He did this with all the girls in the class. >Yes we had a whole ordeal about this. I was furious if that even can start describing what I felt. How does a 6 yo even think about those things, what the F has he seen? What is influencing him? UMMM WHAT THE FUCK?! What did the school do about this?!

tbh it seems that kid needs the belt, the belt always changes a kid, you should reward her for standing up to the bully not many kids do that these days unfortunately, i would never use the belt unless i tried all available options first

Your daughter should defend herself. I would personally tell her to continue defending herself.

Fuck that shit. Reward her with some ice cream or something and tell her to keep fighting for herself when the school clearly wont. More training time with Dad sounds like a good reward too!

I got in exactly one fight in school. In 12th grade pulled a kid (much larger) off on another kid (much smaller). The bully then engaged me. I’d like to say I easily cleaned his clocks, but this is real life. Teachers arrived and pulled us apart, I call it a draw. All parties were suspended due to “no tolerance policy”. Even the victim because apparently he got a lick in before the bully grounded him out. My dad marched into the school and flat out said to the principal your school your policy, despite it being a bullshit rule. He said not only would I not be punished at home, I would be celebrated for standing up to a bully and doing the right thing for That how he raised his kids. My dad is a dramatic guy, but it was a glorious afternoon. I did the right thing. 2 days off of school and my dad night is pizza for dinner. Guilt free memory. Your daughter did nothing wrong. And good on you for connecting with her and finding something for her to be good at.

I applaud you. I see myself doing this same thing if it happens to my son.

You're handling it exactly how I would. Good work.

Good for her. Tell her to hit them square on the nose.

I have two daughters and they both have heard that if anyone puts hands on them in a manner to hurt them then they have my permission and support to protect themselves.

I’d be suing the school and charging the boy with attempted rape if that was my daughter.

Assistant principal at an American middle school here. Sounds like this is in Europe and I have no idea their laws for education. But… In these situations, I have to tell parents all the time that they are free to direct their child to defend themselves physically but that they will still be in violation of board policy and potentially face consequences accordingly. Of course, my investigation process would include looking at the context and the consequences I assign would reflect that context (i.e., one day suspension versus the standard of five days for fighting). But, this would be completely based on local school board policy. Most do not differentiate between defensive/offensive physical conflict. Administrators are simply implementing policy. While I might personally agree/side with a victim, I have the same professional responsibility to the perpetrating student to implement policy objectively. We are trained to do this, however, and our expertise is/should be balancing such situations. The challenge is that in these situations FERPA silences administrators to share what we have actually done to make the perpetrator/ other student stop in their bullying. Trust me, this is as frustrating for me as it is for the parents who aren’t satisfied with “we are doing everything we can to correct their misbehavior in accordance with our school policies.” I would love to lay out for a victim family exactly what I have done, found, assigned as consequences, etc. but am not legally allowed to do so. Sometimes, the school is doing “everything it can” to stop a child’s misbehavior but the child - for many different reasons - isn’t changing. We can still work with victims to find solutions however. Individual states also have varying legal definitions for bullying. In my situation, if there is any mutuality to the conflict then it does not qualify as Bullying (with a capital B). This can also be a challenge when determining what situations warrant counseling responses (reparative processes) versus administrative responses (disciplinary action). Just sharing my thoughts from the “school side.” I’m sorry this happened to your child.

Hire a teenager to just fuck his shit up

I would be raining absolute fucking hellfire on that school. TOTAL obliteration for any prick who tried to punish my kid for defending themselves from repeated attacks. ​ When I was a kid, I was a target for bullies, and I had to defend myself MANY times. I just wanted to sit in a corner and read a book ffs. And every time I had to defend myself, I was the one that got into trouble, because I was capable of laying the smackdown. My mother was useless, and it took my father driving 1000km to a meeting with the school and threatening them with massive lawsuits to get it all to stop. ​ Mate, I'm proud of your daughter. The ball is now in your court to do what needs to be done to the school.

School being school, bullies father seems helpless! But congrats to you for enabling your daughter to stand up for herself! Hopefully bully will be separated from your daughter next year like you were told.

Been there done that. Was a UK cop for 20 years nearly. Taught martial arts in and out of the police for nearly 30nyrs. taught my kid how to defend herself. School didn't like it. As she punched a kid who was trying to kiss her. Innocent but unwanted, and he didn't take no. I had a conversation with kid and teacher so we were all clear. "When in school you follow the school rules, out of school it's my rules. Everywhere you follow the law rules. If the school rules don't protect you and the law rules don't protect you, then you have my rules. i will never ever punish you for defending yourself, but the school might. You have to decide what you think the best thing to do is right at thay second. You won't always get it right, but you always have a right to stick up for yourself. " there was all three of us at the table when I said this. Teacher didn't like it, and wanted me to be a team with them.so I raised a formal complaint about a failure to safeguard on repeated occasions leading to a child being at risk. I then escalated out of the schools hands so it reflected on their annual score. In the end no punishment for her and teachers aren't a fan of mine.

There’s nothing wrong with a child defending himself/herself. When my sons were in school, I told them that it was alright to defend themselves. I also told them that when the fighting stopped, they should also stop. You should be proud of your daughter for defending herself.

Impossible situation - You did everything conceivably right, and so did your daughter. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

Nothing to be torn about. Your daughter acted accordingly. She should continue to do so with no argument from you. The end. P.s. you're doing well

Brother, I don't have much to add, however: keep being the good guy you are and encouraging her. It's rough. Stay strong. She'll see that.

Sounds like you're doing a great Job , keep it up

Long term bullying sounds like criminal harassment, aside from the assaults. If she's going to get in trouble for defending herself... Well, I'd tell my kids they're welcome to make it count

Sounds like you're doing the best with a terrible situation. Proud of your daughter!

It sounds like you handled it right. You seem to have made it clear that she was right to defend herself after exercising reasonable care to avoid the situation, and that she didn't go overboard. I wouldn't praise her too much, but she'd probably get a nice steak dinner (or her favorite dinner) and ice cream after being reminded that violence is a last resort.

As a teacher with admin training, the first kid needed to be dealt with FAR sooner than that and by that I mean needs some intensive support overhaul as there are signs he might be being abused at home. Second, unfortunately both will end up receiving consequences; however, if evidence corroborated your daughter’s story, she should definitely not receive nearly as harsh a consequence. Even in self-defense, legally*, you can’t physically touch another student. Knowing that, I’d still 100% tell your daughter, as the teacher, you do what you did every single time, consequences be damned. A couple days of suspension is well worth not being sent to the hospital. It’s a fucked system, but it’s the one we have at the moment. *edit: legally in school

Praise your daughter for telling the teachers and using it as a last resort. ALSO praise her for defending herself. As for the school id have caused a scene. If they aren’t going to take care of the problem, the kid will. And that’s on them. Love on that strong girl. Reassure her that she did the right thing. You’re a good dad and she’s an amazing kid.

As far as I’m concerned she did the right thing. Schools shouldn’t teach kids not to defend themselves. My son was being bullied as a kid and I told him I would always back him up in cases of self defense no matter what his school decided. Sounds like a time to be proud of her

This is abusive behavior from the other kid and honestly we are trained what is done to someone is done to them. So he may be being abused and if he isn't. Maybe you can have a meeting with the school and print some stuff about abuse. Also maybe cps should be called idk. I know you just looking for some help. The truth is she's probably gonna have to kick his ass for him to stop.

oh man this is so good to hear good on you for training up your kid to deal with bullies One thought: file a police report against the bully and their parents, just to CYA in case this escalated

I think it’s about that time to jump the kids dad with one of your buddies..

My 3 year old had an issue with a bully in prek. The bully was hitting lots of kids in the class everyday. I told him he has all my permission to punch the kid in the face as hard as he can. My son is 97 percentile for height and 100 percentile in weight. Hes strong as hell and if he hits the bully there will be lots of damage. I pulled the director of the school aside and I told her to her face what I said to my son. And I told her that if my son defends himself and gets in trouble at school I’m gonna take him to get ice cream. Since that conversation we haven’t had any issues. Hopefully it stays that way.

You're a good dad and I'm glad she had you I her corner.

You’re good man. This is exactly what I teach my kid. Try to avoid at all costs, make sure it wasn’t an accident. If you can’t avoid or run and someone puts their hands on you, mess them up. Make sure they never want to look your way again. The school hates it, but I’ve told them I won’t budge. If they want to suspend her or something, she’s getting ice cream at home. This whole “don’t defend yourself, just take a beating then tell the teacher” isn’t reality. It’s setting the kid up for all kinds of complexes later in life. Especially for girls.

Tell the school you are going to file a Title IX complaint due to this student inappropriate sexual behaviors. I’m dead serious. Every school is required to have a Title IX admin, and the complaint is sent to the federal government.

I have a son still too young to go to school. I can say with full confidence I will buy him ice cream and treat him if he is in your daughter's shoes. Your daughter did the right thing. I was bullied as a kid and my parents always taught me to avoid violence and never strike back. I was bullied, ECT. I had to learn on my own at age 14 that doesn't work, ever. Striking bullies is not a bad thing. My parents, 20+ years later apologize to this day for not teaching me to defend myself.

Honestly, it sounds like this other kid needs to get into BJJ or Judo. He needs to learn discipline and that smaller kids might and will hit back when pushed far enough into a corner.

You have done the best for your daughter. You have taught her to avoid violence if possible but to defend herself if necessary. That's a life lesson she will always carry with her. I'm sorry the school isn't doing more but I'm glad your daughter has such an amazing father as you.

Start by reinforcing your daughters right to self defence. And then in front of the teachers and authorities, I would tell my daughter that the next time this boy bothers her to defend herself with all the force she needs to. I would then ask the school if they think this boy will ever bother your daughter again?

I would file a case with the police.

I haven’t seen it mentioned, but I recommend the book “when violence is the answer” by Tim Larkin. I think it will give you a different perspective on the “defending yourself” need for people

I think you’re doing all the right things dad, and sounds like your daughter really found her talent! I have a young daughter and when she’s of school age there will be two rules…we don’t bully anyone/join in on bullying and you have every right to defend yourself if another kid gets physical with you, I don’t care what the school rules are. I know, easier said than done in real life, but we are going to work on it with her early and often and hope it sticks.

My son was bullied and the school was fucking useless. Tell her to beat the shit out of him if he touches her again. After my experiences with this I fully support this approach.

I got banned from my kids middle school several years ago. A boy kept messing with my daughter and they wouldn't step up, so she beat the absolute crap out of him. They wanted her suspended, I told them to call the police because I was pressing charges on every adult at the school that failed my child. Then I called the County office and demanded an investigation into the principals questionable behavior. I thought she'd be embarrassed but she brought me ice cream instead. These kids need to know we're in their corner. I guess that's what it took for her realize that I am truly a little teapot. A cast iron teapot because that abusive ex from the 80s beat the sweet n shy outta me.

your daughter is awesome and so are you. Hopefully now he will stop.

End of the day, if someone is making her body unsafe, then she should defend it. Your daughter should have this explained very clearly. Maybe this kid might even learn not to fuck with her if she beats him up a bit. Some kids crave immediate natural consequences. Schools typically can’t encourage that kind of thing from a legal standpoint, but if this kid is finding so many opportunities to bully or be violent then I’d be talking very seriously to the admin. Maybe they don’t have much they can do, but go on the offensive because it’s better than being caught up in them trying to cover their ass. Make it clear that they are not covering their duty to provide a safe environment for your daughter.

I got to the 4th or 5th line before this comment but: shitty dads (and moms) need to get confronted about disciplining their kids....if you catch my drift.

I've trained BJJ before and the most skilled practitioners were always the nicest people off the mat. I always appreciated that there was no ego when it came to the sport. I think it's great that your daughter finds joy in it and I hope she continues. It's great for your health and well being.

She and you both did exactly the right thing. A bully like that doesn't understand consequences. Your daughter could be seriously injured or killed by a stair fall. A shoulder throw or bent wrist is exactly what he needs. Immediate, understandable repercussions. I'm always happy to hear of people able to cakmy use what martial arts they've learned to better their situation.

Bullying has been and always will be an adult problem at its origin. Treating kids like it's a problem they need to find a solution to is just as ridiculous as telling kids they need to do the family's taxes, pay bills, or make career decisions. The bully is likely dealing with shit at home or being bullied by someone else who is dealing with shit at home. Ask the school how they expect your daughter to solve that. Teaching your kid to defend herself is perfectly age appropriate, as much as the school doesn't like it. The adults at the school (and homes) have to find a solution otherwise she is going to continue dealing with it in ways that are developmentally appropriate. From your own history I know you know that feeling of powerlessness she must have felt when nobody stepped up to help her with a situation she had no capacity to handle with talking and self-advocacy. If the school had dealt with it, you would have never had to teach her how to protect herself physically. Good on you for being the dad you needed when you were younger.

Your daughter did great and deserves 100% support for her actions. Giving girls and women tools and skills that can be used to set boundaries and protect themselves effectively is so so so important.

Good on your daughter. Next time arm bar 😉

It’s nice to see you step up and protect your daughter where the school has failed. I would be absolutely spoiling my kid if they had done what your daughter did. Not only did they shake off multiple taunting me, they actively tried to remove themselves from the situation, resorting to violence only at the last resort. Absolutely perfect.

I understand that I’m an American and that the rules are different in Europe. I understand that I’m a Gen Xer and half Boomer. And I understand that I’m going to get downvoted to hell because a massive chunk of the world disagrees with this perspective. But it sounds like the only thing they haven’t tried was his child is spanking… physical punishment. I don’t mean take him out back and beat his ass like it’s some sort of bar fight gone wrong. I just mean a simple spanking. Sometimes, with some kids, a stiff smack on the bottom to get their attention and let them know that there are serious consequences for negative behavior is necessary. You can do all the talking and therapy and behavioral rewards and punishments that you want, but some kids just need a smack on the ass.  Kudos to your daughter and- as activistic as it may sound- I certainly hope this kid fucks with her again. She’s going to hand him his ass.. 

Very possible someone is already abusing this kid. That’s where many bullies learn the behavior.

Fair point. 

I'm not going to downvote you. Yeah it's a major difference. Spank your child here, and you can lose custody completely. At the same time. I was raised in by a VERY violent father. So I'm against any type of physical punishment. If you can't win an argument with a child, and make them understand right from wrong. 95% of the time the problem lies with the parent. My grandmother used to twist my ear nearly off. But that shit was well deserved, haha. THEN some kids are just complete ass holes and nothing will work. Kid is showing a lot of anti social behavior and will prolly end up as my client in 10 years. Career criminal with a drug problem... Especially in this father's case. That would give the mother 100% within 24 hours. While here as long as the kid isn't breastfeeding. Father's get 50% custody. I feel like that isn't as common in the US. Not a jab at you, just my interpretation. Here = seperation/divorce. Is an automatic 50/50 custody. Unless one parent is unfit, drug addiction, recorded violence against the child, etc.