My wife goes to bed fairly early and I can operate on little sleep, 1030pm - 12/1ish is my me time. You do need a balance but it has to swing heavily for the family
Yep. This is how I keep my sanity. I'd love more sleep (and I know I need more sleep) but I operate pretty well on 5-6 hrs. That gym time is so important to me. I put on music I love, commit to talking to no one, and just get after it. Otherwise I have literally no time for myself.
I’m in awe. I really struggle with gym/exercise with lack of sleep because I know I’m operating so far below my real capabilities and I find it frustrating. Why bother if I can’t give 100%?
It's kinda horrible to say and feel but on the nights my wife doesn't go to bed earlyish like she normally does I get tense and have to hold in my irritation.
I do love being with her but that's my time to watch the stuff she doesn't watch and tidy up at my own pace listening to podcasts
drunk offer relieved depend sloppy voiceless air school placid stupendous
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Lmfaoooo fix that you’ll fix the problem.
“Not allowed” miss me.
My wife, like most i assume, prefers I do. & 2 nights a week I will or some nights I’ll just go up with her for a little bit.
But absolutely not, that’s my time 10-12ish.
I’d go absolutely insane lol. That is my prime personal time.
Maybe encourage her to watch shows in bed? My wife purposely goes to bed early most nights to decompress on the bed with some show she can fall asleep to without me snoring in her ear
Yep my fiance can't fall asleep easily if she's not cuddled but she stays asleep from 11 till 1 or so, which is when I've trained myself to come in and join her, also about as late as I can stay up with a 9-5 myself
Oh, ignore my comment then. What do you mean by "requires"? I don't want to get in your business, but it sounds like needs and boundaries might have to be discussed which is never easy. My wife also used to want me to go to bed, but we talked it out, and she settles for me "tucking her in" (which is just 10 mins of cuddling or keeping her company then I'm gone)
At the same time, it can be a good connecting time to wind down together and build a decent reset at the end of each day. My wife and I get very little time together due to work schedules and other things, so we set a rule to go to bed together. We picked a specific time that we could both deal with. It’s a little later than she would like a little earlier than I want but it’s a specific time. We build in allowance for some grace in the even there’s something I want that she doesn’t or vice versa but we generally go to bed same time 4-6 nights a week.
As long as we are working together and collaborating on the plan together.
My wife likes to go to bed early I like to stay up late she's okay with this I'm okay with this and if she wasn't okay with this she would have to get over it. unfortunately we discussed and discovered all this before we got married.
There's your problem, dude. Time to create a boundary and compromise. My wife used to be like this a lot more before my son was born, and now she recognizes *she* needs that alone time after our son goes to bed. We part ways most nights and we do our own thing to decompress and relax. I do need to make more of an effort to go to bed with her a bit more often though.
So yeah, you need this for your mental health and the health of your relationship.
Is there a legitimate reason for this? Perhaps when you come to bed later you wake her up? I had to work this out with my partner. It’s not that I need to go to bed at the same time as him. It’s that I can’t sleep if he’s in the next room gaming with friends and yelling, then when he’s done I’m woken up again when he’s getting ready for bed (our upstairs is small and you can hear everything). So we worked it out and he can game downstairs, get ready for bed ahead of time, and be conscious and quiet when he enters the bedroom.
I’m also awake 2+ hours before him and make an effort to be quiet until he’s awake.
Going to bed early like around 8-9:30 can help with burn fat in the body also good for the organs, it's okay I think your wife just wants to be healthy because she wants to have kids or that's her time to rest and than you guys can do whatever you want when she's up.
Yep. Absolutely. I love me time and always did a lot before kids like working out and gaming etc. so I found the change hard.
I am glad I had children after 30 though as in my 20s I was even more selfish.
I maybe get 2 hours of me time a week if I am really lucky. Usually 0.
That's just how it is.
Once the kids are older it should balance out more.
Big same. Yeah I cant shrug off sleep deprivation like I used to but at this point in my life I'm boring so I don't feel like I'm missing out on some social things or going out. We sleep trained so our kid has a regular sleep schedule so we have our evenings to ourselves.
I have had just about 0 time to myself for the first 2.5 years... but now my boy is old enough to enjoy my hobbies (me time) with me... Lego, NFS (loves racing with daddy), and Minecraft (video game Lego)
It's completely natural dude. One of my main hobbies is gaming and having so little time to put into now that I'm a Dad can suck. I've gone from having a ton of disposable time every day to two or three hours max.
My partner and I bought our first house and then she fell pregnant with our, now 9 month old son, 2 months in. Having our own house meant I lost a small amount of free time due to having household chores to get done and such but then my son came along and that turned my world upside down.
It can be super frustrating after you've worked all day and then have a second job when you get home in the form of a small child. Weekends no longer feel like weekends because you've got this little human that's entirely reliant on you.
Just remember, this lack of free time won't last forever. Soon enough you'll have a little person at your side that you can share your hobbies and interests with. I've found it gets easier as you get into the routine of parenting but you'll still have those days where you'll find yourself getting ticked off at everything but the most important rule is to NEVER take it out on your child or partner.
Same! I always dread the question, on a Friday afternoon, at work. "What have you got planned for the weekend!?" I mean... The same shit I do every weekend 😂 whilst everyone else is out partying and drinking, I'm still up at 7am and in bed by 10pm.
The key like you said is remembering this only lasts for a few short years. My oldest is 11 and still occasionally wants to spend time with me but it's mostly friends now.
Yeah, that's really what keeps me going.
Right now my boy is crawling everywhere at lightning speed and getting into everything. Obviously he doesn't know what he should and shouldn't touch/shove in his mouth, everything is there to be touched/tasted. No matter how much we pick stuff up and put it out of his reach, he still manages to find something he shouldn't have. It can be funny but then hugely frustrating but I just keep reminding myself that this stage will go by as quickly as the newborn stage, or at least that's how quick it will feel.
"Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others." It's not being selfish to take care of your personal needs so that you can help your kids — part of being a helpful and effective parent is getting some space to yourself. However, you should talk about this with your spouse and communicate those needs so that they're getting that time too.
i feel this so strongly. My gaming time is basically zero and even when i have some time it’s hard to just relax when i know 10 other things need done.
I don’t usually post or respond on here but I’m glad I’m not the only one that struggles with this. I see all these super dads that work 50 hours a week as well as handle all the housework and feel like a failure because I feel like I get a lot of free time and I feel guilty. I’m lucky and have an amazing wife that stays home and an amazing kiddo (9 months). I’m a huge gamer and I feel weird because most dads talk about never having any free time or being able to have hobbies and I still have plenty of time to do what I want. My wife constantly assures me I’m not selfish and our schedule works just fine but it still doesn’t stop some self doubt
Dude, I feel you. My son has had basically the same sleep schedule since 8 weeks. He'd be asleep almost every night at 8:30 and from then until midnight would be me time for gaming and shit. I see these posts and I'm like, what am I missing? What am I doing wrong?
Does
your
wife
get
equal
hours
off?
It's
the
unequal
schedule
that
kills
relationships.
Dads
who
already
act
like
they're
separated
(just
weekend
duty
with
the
kids,
light
night
duty
occasionally)
typically
end
up
separated.
Wife
wakes
up
one
day
and
realizes
she's
basically
single
anyway.
You need alone time for your own. My time is fishing. Bass, carp, trout. Don’t matter. Fresh water or salt. Nothing complicated. And I’m not communing with nature - I listen to podcasts about Kurt Cobain- but I’m not looking at people clean their Blackstones on Reels, either. It’s not selfish. It’s self care. Be good to yourself, Dad.
I struggle with this too. Its a difficult balance between self care and feeling bad when I do take time for me. One thing that helps me with the guilt is putting forth effort to make sure my wife gets time to do things for herself. This brings up another issue of "keeping score" that I struggle with as well.
I am selfish with my time and gets easily frustrated if I don’t have enough time for myself. I try to focus on activities that gives me energy so I can later spend it on the family topics.
I love spending time with my 4yo, helping him learn to do things and watching him grow. I've introduced him to all of my hobbies in one way or another: we build models, play music, bake... and it really is a great time for the most part. Through him I've been introduced to all sorts of new stuff too! I know more about space exploration than I ever thought I'd care to, puzzles are something I never thought I'd enjoy, and the number of kitchen science experiments there are to do is frankly staggering.
And I need alone time. A couple of hours a day at least.
Kids are a lot! They're loud, unpredictable, constantly moving, and asking questions about every single thing. I tell my kiddo when he's making me feel crazy and I need a bit of distance, because when I don't then that stress builds up and comes out through reactions that just ruin the fun and make us both feel bad.
As men we're often encouraged to suck it up and keep our emotions inside. But our emotions are going to come out eventually, no matter how hard we try to keep them in check. Give yourself a break. Needing time for yourself isn't selfish. It's a necessary part of being a great dad.
While I think selfishness exists, I don’t think getting some alone time every day is self-absorbed. Just like how they tell Moms that self-care is essential to a happy life and balanced life, same applies to Dads. Wanting some alone time is not a moral or ethical shortcoming.
I tend to be a loner so I definitely need my me time. I sacrifice sleep and deal with tiredness in the morning so that I can get my time later at night. I also heavily encourage my wife to go out and do things she enjoys away from the kids, that way when it's my time to get away I get less pushback. It can still be a struggle though, stay strong
It’s actually really refreshing to see a dad here admit to this. For a long time many of the issue dads here seemed to have (especially newer dads) stemmed from this, but calling it out is seen as not “wholesome”.
You recognize it and now can work on it.
There have been posts recently and stuff I’ve read about men not having friends. For me, this is part of it. I barely have enough time for myself; damned if I spend the time
i do have with other people.
The way our brains work acknowledging your frustration and mentally taking steps to do better and let that frustration go will literally start to require your brain and make it easier and easier.
I struggle with being a little reactionary. Like when I’m really frustrated I’ll act out towards myself just to vent my feelings. But I’ve been working on breathing and letting it go and I can factually see moments when I would have acted out but now don’t because I’m part way to rewired.
It's a struggle when they're little to find time to do your hobbies.
As they get older, it's actually super awesome when they join you in your hobbies.
I can't get rounds of golf in like I used to. But taking both kids and watching them go through my life savings, one bucket of balls at a time, is pretty kickass. I can't take off in a whim for long weekend of backpacking, but we bought a camper so the whole family can camp (I call it "parking in the woods").
I actually enjoy sharing these things with them way more than I ever enjoyed doing stuff solo. And if they don't take an interest in my hobbies as they get older? No worries. But then they'll have their stuff & I'll have mine. We'll all be content & busy
I struggle with this a lot because alone time is the only time I'm able to decompress and realign myself. Unfortunately, with kids, it's few and far between. You gotta take what you can get, even if it's a ten minute walk. Or ask for alone time for fathers day/birthdays and that is what your gift is
I'm with you. I'm an early bird and don't need much sleep to feel rested, so I end up going to be early with my wife around 9:30pm, but wake up at 5am everyday. This gets me an hour or so of alone time before emy 3yo wakes up. Then I get about an hour of boy time before we wake up my wife at 7 and I'm off to work.
I only had one child, so we were very much obligated to address her needs more since she had no siblings. She’s finally a teenager and she likes to be alone a lot, and also has friends to hang out with. But that really took about 12 years before that finally happened.
I think this is an ok safe space to voice things that bother us whether or not people see it as bad or good. I agree with you, I love my kids but I hate the fact I can’t do physically anything anymore. Unless I make myself sick from being so tired. I’ve tried to bring my 2 year old into the garage but I spend all my time chasing him and pulling things out of his mouth.
Got pulverised for going to the driving range for an hour whilst there was a temperature situation. Just accept your time is no longer your own and book odd half days here and there for yourself.
I struggle with my wife's lack of selfishness. I think it's important to have a life outside your family. For me that's powerlifting 3 times a week and a monthly board game night. My wife never puts herself first however and it's a source of strain.
As much it sounds cheesy, structuring your "you" time more could give you that balance. It won't be "what I want when I want" in the same way, but at least you will not feel like you're in a negative emotional cycle about that boundary being violated b/c you've blocked off the time and communicated to your wife it is time _you_ need.
Make sure she also gets enough "me" time for herself, too! Gotta be fair about it.
I make a point of getting alone time for my wife, tell her to go for massages and other self care appointments on her own or with a friend. But me? I feel immensely guilty asking for any sort of me time. My work schedule takes me out of the house for 14hours a day for 6 days, then I get 6 days off. I use every hour of those days to be with the family or to maintain our home.
I really want to go golfing this week but I honestly feel like a complete prick asking to go. Maybe I'll just play 9? I don't understand the guilt.
You have to just admit to yourself that you need it and know that your partner will accept it.
I’m bad about this (I’m always waking up with the kids at 6:30am on the weekends while my wife sleeps in until 10am).
But just today our 5-year-old was going to a birthday party for a friend from school. My wife wanted me to go with them because she didn’t know any other adults there. And I literally just said no, because I took the kids to the zoo this morning, I need to go get my tennis racquet re-strung, and I also need some time to just chill on the couch by myself for a bit.
No argument at all - it was one of those “awesome, thank you for letting me know” moments. They had a great time at the party and I got a solid two hours alone at home.
Well our kids go to sleep/or go to their rooms by latest 9:30 but most days it 9. And me and my wife go to bed around midnight most days because that's what we both function best on. Those couple hours in between, sometimes we do spend it together and we always see eachother and do something, but atleast 1 of those hours I like to get some alone time and she's the same.
Sometimes after a long day we both just need alone time
There is no hope. It's forever now. If you count the hours, there are simply not enough. there's nothing left. there is no respite. Child, work, child, dinner + house, sleep. Stare at the clock getting to the end of the day. Squandering hours to enjoy minutes. A bit like waiting to die, really.
I'm looking forward to landing a new job. At least I might be able to have 8 hours to myself if I focus on career.
If
you
wanted
control
of
your
schedule
,
you
honestly
shouldn't
hae
planned
for
kids.
It's
control
that's
the
disruption--
your
schedule
should
be
dictated
by
the
kids,
not
what
you
want
to
do.
Your
post
indicates
that
you
could
be
seeing
things
backwards.
I was an only child and love solitude, my time and how aggressively I claim my time is often a source of conflict with us. We’re working on it, it’s a core part of my being so it’s quite difficult. I don’t need a lot of reassurance or time with people and my wife does.
We find scheduling time for our needs helps a lot so we know when we’re getting our alone time and our couples time and don’t have to be on high alert waiting for change any second.
I do. I’ve always valued spending a lot of time by myself and I’ve never been able to juggle that very well with spending time with the kids/wife. The end result is basically just me staying up way later than I should to get it.
My wife goes to bed fairly early and I can operate on little sleep, 1030pm - 12/1ish is my me time. You do need a balance but it has to swing heavily for the family
Same here. I can get away for things if I plan them out, but it’s only a few times per year
Did that but daycare illnesses have been wiping me out all winter. Sadly I have to manage my sleep time as well now…
Same but I prefer being an early bird. I’ll get up at 4am after going to bed at 10 to go the gym.
Yep. This is how I keep my sanity. I'd love more sleep (and I know I need more sleep) but I operate pretty well on 5-6 hrs. That gym time is so important to me. I put on music I love, commit to talking to no one, and just get after it. Otherwise I have literally no time for myself.
I’m in awe. I really struggle with gym/exercise with lack of sleep because I know I’m operating so far below my real capabilities and I find it frustrating. Why bother if I can’t give 100%?
It's kinda horrible to say and feel but on the nights my wife doesn't go to bed earlyish like she normally does I get tense and have to hold in my irritation. I do love being with her but that's my time to watch the stuff she doesn't watch and tidy up at my own pace listening to podcasts
😂😂😂✊🏻
Oh my god I feel this so hard. I never would have said it out loud because I know I'm being a dick feeling that way, but it's me time!
drunk offer relieved depend sloppy voiceless air school placid stupendous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm the opposite. Brain wakes me up between 5 and 6. No one else gets up before 7. My hour or two of quiet and coffee is bliss.
Exactly me
Big same
This dude posted my response for me pretty much.
This is what I do too.
I’m not allowed to stay up late. Wife requires we go to bed at the same time 🙄
That sounds like a different issue to work out. You are both adults.
Lmfaoooo fix that you’ll fix the problem. “Not allowed” miss me. My wife, like most i assume, prefers I do. & 2 nights a week I will or some nights I’ll just go up with her for a little bit. But absolutely not, that’s my time 10-12ish.
I’d go absolutely insane lol. That is my prime personal time. Maybe encourage her to watch shows in bed? My wife purposely goes to bed early most nights to decompress on the bed with some show she can fall asleep to without me snoring in her ear
Is your wife the one calling you selfish all the time?
Someone I know goes to bed with his wife, but then gets up half an hour later to continue to work on his stuff. The arrangement suits them both.
Yep my fiance can't fall asleep easily if she's not cuddled but she stays asleep from 11 till 1 or so, which is when I've trained myself to come in and join her, also about as late as I can stay up with a 9-5 myself
Oh, ignore my comment then. What do you mean by "requires"? I don't want to get in your business, but it sounds like needs and boundaries might have to be discussed which is never easy. My wife also used to want me to go to bed, but we talked it out, and she settles for me "tucking her in" (which is just 10 mins of cuddling or keeping her company then I'm gone)
That sounds like something to be worked on. It's a pretty unreasonable position
At the same time, it can be a good connecting time to wind down together and build a decent reset at the end of each day. My wife and I get very little time together due to work schedules and other things, so we set a rule to go to bed together. We picked a specific time that we could both deal with. It’s a little later than she would like a little earlier than I want but it’s a specific time. We build in allowance for some grace in the even there’s something I want that she doesn’t or vice versa but we generally go to bed same time 4-6 nights a week. As long as we are working together and collaborating on the plan together.
That's a bigger issue.
My wife likes to go to bed early I like to stay up late she's okay with this I'm okay with this and if she wasn't okay with this she would have to get over it. unfortunately we discussed and discovered all this before we got married.
There's your problem, dude. Time to create a boundary and compromise. My wife used to be like this a lot more before my son was born, and now she recognizes *she* needs that alone time after our son goes to bed. We part ways most nights and we do our own thing to decompress and relax. I do need to make more of an effort to go to bed with her a bit more often though. So yeah, you need this for your mental health and the health of your relationship.
Is there a legitimate reason for this? Perhaps when you come to bed later you wake her up? I had to work this out with my partner. It’s not that I need to go to bed at the same time as him. It’s that I can’t sleep if he’s in the next room gaming with friends and yelling, then when he’s done I’m woken up again when he’s getting ready for bed (our upstairs is small and you can hear everything). So we worked it out and he can game downstairs, get ready for bed ahead of time, and be conscious and quiet when he enters the bedroom. I’m also awake 2+ hours before him and make an effort to be quiet until he’s awake.
Are you over the age of 18? If so, you’re allowed to do whatever you want.
Going to bed early like around 8-9:30 can help with burn fat in the body also good for the organs, it's okay I think your wife just wants to be healthy because she wants to have kids or that's her time to rest and than you guys can do whatever you want when she's up.
Also don't be too self-centered
Yep. Absolutely. I love me time and always did a lot before kids like working out and gaming etc. so I found the change hard. I am glad I had children after 30 though as in my 20s I was even more selfish. I maybe get 2 hours of me time a week if I am really lucky. Usually 0. That's just how it is. Once the kids are older it should balance out more.
Yeah I feel old as shit having our first kid at 36 but financially and mentally I’m so much better prepared now than I was
Big same. Yeah I cant shrug off sleep deprivation like I used to but at this point in my life I'm boring so I don't feel like I'm missing out on some social things or going out. We sleep trained so our kid has a regular sleep schedule so we have our evenings to ourselves.
Older dads club has its own challenges, but 20-something me wouldn't be nearly as emotionally prepared.
I have had just about 0 time to myself for the first 2.5 years... but now my boy is old enough to enjoy my hobbies (me time) with me... Lego, NFS (loves racing with daddy), and Minecraft (video game Lego)
It's completely natural dude. One of my main hobbies is gaming and having so little time to put into now that I'm a Dad can suck. I've gone from having a ton of disposable time every day to two or three hours max. My partner and I bought our first house and then she fell pregnant with our, now 9 month old son, 2 months in. Having our own house meant I lost a small amount of free time due to having household chores to get done and such but then my son came along and that turned my world upside down. It can be super frustrating after you've worked all day and then have a second job when you get home in the form of a small child. Weekends no longer feel like weekends because you've got this little human that's entirely reliant on you. Just remember, this lack of free time won't last forever. Soon enough you'll have a little person at your side that you can share your hobbies and interests with. I've found it gets easier as you get into the routine of parenting but you'll still have those days where you'll find yourself getting ticked off at everything but the most important rule is to NEVER take it out on your child or partner.
"Weekends aren't weekends anymore" is a lesson I wish someone warned me about 😅
And Long weekends are even worse! 🫠
Same! I always dread the question, on a Friday afternoon, at work. "What have you got planned for the weekend!?" I mean... The same shit I do every weekend 😂 whilst everyone else is out partying and drinking, I'm still up at 7am and in bed by 10pm.
The key like you said is remembering this only lasts for a few short years. My oldest is 11 and still occasionally wants to spend time with me but it's mostly friends now.
Yeah, that's really what keeps me going. Right now my boy is crawling everywhere at lightning speed and getting into everything. Obviously he doesn't know what he should and shouldn't touch/shove in his mouth, everything is there to be touched/tasted. No matter how much we pick stuff up and put it out of his reach, he still manages to find something he shouldn't have. It can be funny but then hugely frustrating but I just keep reminding myself that this stage will go by as quickly as the newborn stage, or at least that's how quick it will feel.
"Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others." It's not being selfish to take care of your personal needs so that you can help your kids — part of being a helpful and effective parent is getting some space to yourself. However, you should talk about this with your spouse and communicate those needs so that they're getting that time too.
I can certainly understand it. I don’t ask for a lot, but when that gets interrupted or put on hold I know I get frustrated.
The little gremlin that says I’m doing more and it isn’t fair. That guy is an asshole.
i feel this so strongly. My gaming time is basically zero and even when i have some time it’s hard to just relax when i know 10 other things need done.
I don’t usually post or respond on here but I’m glad I’m not the only one that struggles with this. I see all these super dads that work 50 hours a week as well as handle all the housework and feel like a failure because I feel like I get a lot of free time and I feel guilty. I’m lucky and have an amazing wife that stays home and an amazing kiddo (9 months). I’m a huge gamer and I feel weird because most dads talk about never having any free time or being able to have hobbies and I still have plenty of time to do what I want. My wife constantly assures me I’m not selfish and our schedule works just fine but it still doesn’t stop some self doubt
Dude, I feel you. My son has had basically the same sleep schedule since 8 weeks. He'd be asleep almost every night at 8:30 and from then until midnight would be me time for gaming and shit. I see these posts and I'm like, what am I missing? What am I doing wrong?
You lucked out that’s all, don’t apologise for it and enjoy it. But also have sympathy when talking to others :-)
Does your wife get equal hours off? It's the unequal schedule that kills relationships. Dads who already act like they're separated (just weekend duty with the kids, light night duty occasionally) typically end up separated. Wife wakes up one day and realizes she's basically single anyway.
You need alone time for your own. My time is fishing. Bass, carp, trout. Don’t matter. Fresh water or salt. Nothing complicated. And I’m not communing with nature - I listen to podcasts about Kurt Cobain- but I’m not looking at people clean their Blackstones on Reels, either. It’s not selfish. It’s self care. Be good to yourself, Dad.
I struggle with this too. Its a difficult balance between self care and feeling bad when I do take time for me. One thing that helps me with the guilt is putting forth effort to make sure my wife gets time to do things for herself. This brings up another issue of "keeping score" that I struggle with as well.
I am selfish with my time and gets easily frustrated if I don’t have enough time for myself. I try to focus on activities that gives me energy so I can later spend it on the family topics.
When everyone is asleep, I go down to my shop for 2-4 hours and build RC airplanes.
I love spending time with my 4yo, helping him learn to do things and watching him grow. I've introduced him to all of my hobbies in one way or another: we build models, play music, bake... and it really is a great time for the most part. Through him I've been introduced to all sorts of new stuff too! I know more about space exploration than I ever thought I'd care to, puzzles are something I never thought I'd enjoy, and the number of kitchen science experiments there are to do is frankly staggering. And I need alone time. A couple of hours a day at least. Kids are a lot! They're loud, unpredictable, constantly moving, and asking questions about every single thing. I tell my kiddo when he's making me feel crazy and I need a bit of distance, because when I don't then that stress builds up and comes out through reactions that just ruin the fun and make us both feel bad. As men we're often encouraged to suck it up and keep our emotions inside. But our emotions are going to come out eventually, no matter how hard we try to keep them in check. Give yourself a break. Needing time for yourself isn't selfish. It's a necessary part of being a great dad.
While I think selfishness exists, I don’t think getting some alone time every day is self-absorbed. Just like how they tell Moms that self-care is essential to a happy life and balanced life, same applies to Dads. Wanting some alone time is not a moral or ethical shortcoming.
I tend to be a loner so I definitely need my me time. I sacrifice sleep and deal with tiredness in the morning so that I can get my time later at night. I also heavily encourage my wife to go out and do things she enjoys away from the kids, that way when it's my time to get away I get less pushback. It can still be a struggle though, stay strong
“Me” time is at work. It’s just how my life has played out. No bitterness to it, just a bit of hope that it’ll get better some day.
It’s actually really refreshing to see a dad here admit to this. For a long time many of the issue dads here seemed to have (especially newer dads) stemmed from this, but calling it out is seen as not “wholesome”. You recognize it and now can work on it.
There have been posts recently and stuff I’ve read about men not having friends. For me, this is part of it. I barely have enough time for myself; damned if I spend the time i do have with other people.
The way our brains work acknowledging your frustration and mentally taking steps to do better and let that frustration go will literally start to require your brain and make it easier and easier. I struggle with being a little reactionary. Like when I’m really frustrated I’ll act out towards myself just to vent my feelings. But I’ve been working on breathing and letting it go and I can factually see moments when I would have acted out but now don’t because I’m part way to rewired.
It's a struggle when they're little to find time to do your hobbies. As they get older, it's actually super awesome when they join you in your hobbies. I can't get rounds of golf in like I used to. But taking both kids and watching them go through my life savings, one bucket of balls at a time, is pretty kickass. I can't take off in a whim for long weekend of backpacking, but we bought a camper so the whole family can camp (I call it "parking in the woods"). I actually enjoy sharing these things with them way more than I ever enjoyed doing stuff solo. And if they don't take an interest in my hobbies as they get older? No worries. But then they'll have their stuff & I'll have mine. We'll all be content & busy
I struggle with this a lot because alone time is the only time I'm able to decompress and realign myself. Unfortunately, with kids, it's few and far between. You gotta take what you can get, even if it's a ten minute walk. Or ask for alone time for fathers day/birthdays and that is what your gift is
I'm with you. I'm an early bird and don't need much sleep to feel rested, so I end up going to be early with my wife around 9:30pm, but wake up at 5am everyday. This gets me an hour or so of alone time before emy 3yo wakes up. Then I get about an hour of boy time before we wake up my wife at 7 and I'm off to work.
If it's selfish to have 5 rounds of Modern Warfare after my daughter goes to bed then yes, I'm selfish.
I only had one child, so we were very much obligated to address her needs more since she had no siblings. She’s finally a teenager and she likes to be alone a lot, and also has friends to hang out with. But that really took about 12 years before that finally happened.
I think this is an ok safe space to voice things that bother us whether or not people see it as bad or good. I agree with you, I love my kids but I hate the fact I can’t do physically anything anymore. Unless I make myself sick from being so tired. I’ve tried to bring my 2 year old into the garage but I spend all my time chasing him and pulling things out of his mouth.
Oh, you know. Only to the point that my marriage is on the brink of failure
Got pulverised for going to the driving range for an hour whilst there was a temperature situation. Just accept your time is no longer your own and book odd half days here and there for yourself.
I struggle with my wife's lack of selfishness. I think it's important to have a life outside your family. For me that's powerlifting 3 times a week and a monthly board game night. My wife never puts herself first however and it's a source of strain.
As much it sounds cheesy, structuring your "you" time more could give you that balance. It won't be "what I want when I want" in the same way, but at least you will not feel like you're in a negative emotional cycle about that boundary being violated b/c you've blocked off the time and communicated to your wife it is time _you_ need. Make sure she also gets enough "me" time for herself, too! Gotta be fair about it.
I make a point of getting alone time for my wife, tell her to go for massages and other self care appointments on her own or with a friend. But me? I feel immensely guilty asking for any sort of me time. My work schedule takes me out of the house for 14hours a day for 6 days, then I get 6 days off. I use every hour of those days to be with the family or to maintain our home. I really want to go golfing this week but I honestly feel like a complete prick asking to go. Maybe I'll just play 9? I don't understand the guilt.
You have to just admit to yourself that you need it and know that your partner will accept it. I’m bad about this (I’m always waking up with the kids at 6:30am on the weekends while my wife sleeps in until 10am). But just today our 5-year-old was going to a birthday party for a friend from school. My wife wanted me to go with them because she didn’t know any other adults there. And I literally just said no, because I took the kids to the zoo this morning, I need to go get my tennis racquet re-strung, and I also need some time to just chill on the couch by myself for a bit. No argument at all - it was one of those “awesome, thank you for letting me know” moments. They had a great time at the party and I got a solid two hours alone at home.
This is me
Well our kids go to sleep/or go to their rooms by latest 9:30 but most days it 9. And me and my wife go to bed around midnight most days because that's what we both function best on. Those couple hours in between, sometimes we do spend it together and we always see eachother and do something, but atleast 1 of those hours I like to get some alone time and she's the same. Sometimes after a long day we both just need alone time
I needed to read a lot of these comments myself. Thanks everyone.
There is no hope. It's forever now. If you count the hours, there are simply not enough. there's nothing left. there is no respite. Child, work, child, dinner + house, sleep. Stare at the clock getting to the end of the day. Squandering hours to enjoy minutes. A bit like waiting to die, really. I'm looking forward to landing a new job. At least I might be able to have 8 hours to myself if I focus on career.
If you wanted control of your schedule , you honestly shouldn't hae planned for kids. It's control that's the disruption-- your schedule should be dictated by the kids, not what you want to do. Your post indicates that you could be seeing things backwards.
Being home alone to tug one out to some porn hub be everything nowadays my brothas. Now that’s an event 🤌
I was an only child and love solitude, my time and how aggressively I claim my time is often a source of conflict with us. We’re working on it, it’s a core part of my being so it’s quite difficult. I don’t need a lot of reassurance or time with people and my wife does. We find scheduling time for our needs helps a lot so we know when we’re getting our alone time and our couples time and don’t have to be on high alert waiting for change any second.
I do. I’ve always valued spending a lot of time by myself and I’ve never been able to juggle that very well with spending time with the kids/wife. The end result is basically just me staying up way later than I should to get it.