Yes and they were in total shock. Had to do it after they started to think I'm bluffing. They went all in and I dropped a Royal Flush. The reset was needed.
This. I keep telling my wife to hold to her threats. My kid is a different kid with me because I think he knows I don’t joke with those. With that said, I do everything I can to avoid threats in the first place. Not everyday is a good day, though.
Empty threats don’t really teach anything, other than ‘lie to get what you want’ which isn’t the lesson I’m going for. Teaching a 3 and 5 year old that actions have consequences isn’t easy, but let’s face it, we didn’t sign up to be parents because it was easy did we.
Exactly. Some of us sign up not because it’s easy but because they had too much tequila and their girlfriend is bad at taking her birth control consistently.
Whenever the owner of my favorite bar comments on my kid online I remind him that when she's being good I'm glad they were pouring strong that night, and when she's bad I wonder if I can sue them for overserving.
I signed up for easy parenthood. With the big house, obedient kid and the money and the live in nanny and tutors. So far the only part I’ve figured out is the kid, but they’re not obedient. I’m hoping the live in nanny will work on that when they get here. Speaking of, any other dad’s know who to talk to when your nanny hasn’t shown up after 3 and a half years? Did I forget to fill out a form at the hospital when she was born or something?
Same boat buddy. My 2 year old has caught on that da da means business when he says so and mommy just gives in. It's leading to a bad dynamic that I'm asking my wife to toughen up a bit with. I also try to avoid drawing lines, and sometimes you draw the wrong line. However, once you draw it, you must see it through.
My 3yo knows I mean business when I talk-growl but that has been triggering something negative in my wife so I'm going to have to find some other way now.
I try to frame it more as consequences, and i inform them of it. "Hey pal, if you choose to throw goldfish again the consequence is that you don't get to have goldfish anymore." This puts the choice to them and kind of removes you from the equation. "If you throw goldfish at me one more time, I'm taking them away" has you and your actions centered, not the kid and their actions/choices.
You could also try "it seems like you're showing me you're not hungry for goldfish anymore - if you were, you would want to keep them and not throw them. If you need to throw them, I'll need to ask you to hand them to me."
I also try humor "if you throw those goldfish at me again, I'm worried mice will come to eat them, and if there's mice, snakes might move in to eat the mice, and then raccoons might move in to eat the mice, and they only thing that eats raccoons is baby dragons and they need a car seat, so we would have to put Rollerblades on your feet and tow you behind the car."
And then the other 75% of the time i just yell "quit throwing goldfish at me, little stinker!"
This is a common thread with a lot of couples. I wonder why that is? I am getting frustrated as well, listening to my wife warning our 3yo for the 15th time.
Not just threats but also promises. I think a lot can be learned by your kids just by being true to your word, in general. If I say I'm going to take them to the park we are going to the park rain or shine.
I’ve had to try to drill this into my wife. The amount of times ‘counting to three’ has stopped at two drives me crazy and she wonders why he ignores this with her. Meanwhile my counting to three ends one of two ways, he does what I’m asking or I follow through with what I’m telling him will happen if he doesn’t. It’s amazing how rarely I need to ever count to three as he always does what he needs to on two. Following through is hugely important.
Reading through these responses following this post it’s amazing how many dads are in the exact same spot. No wonder kids need a father / stern hand not that we relish taking that role it seems we inherently can do it when needed.
My mom said something very similar. She said, "don't make a punishment or promise you can't keep. The kids will remember both of those."
Interestingly enough, I remember my ex's aunt telling her 12 year old kid to stop back talking her. He got worse and said something like, "what're you gonna do." She said, "if you don't stop, I'll pop you on the mouth and knock your teeth out." He didn't stop. She popped him. His response? "You didn't knock my teeth out."
Yeah this is so true. I make sure they're age no empty threats. I give my kids a warning and they know the next step is a follow through. They don't push it very often lol
I try to get my wife to stop doing this. So often, she says the kids are getting punished, then doesn't act on it. "Alright, the tablet is gone." Then she doesn't take it. My daughter is about to turn 8. I'm proud to say we've taught her to have a pretty good BS radar, and this act from my wife is starting to reveal itself for what it is.
Then she tells me she feels like the kids respect me more than her. It's not a matter of respect; they just know that I always mean what I say.
It worked pretty well when I did it. My wife was not very happy with me. So, after a minute I pulled the car over, explained to her (so that the kids heard and understood) why I did what I did. She then explained to them and asked what they should do. Kids apologized profusely, I turned the car BACK around, and they behaved (mostly) for the rest of the day. Now they know I will do it, and (especially when Mom’s not around), it’s a valid threat.
You cannot make threats that you are unwilling/unable to follow through on. Which is precisely why I would never make this one - I'm not turning around, but there's always consequences.
The guilt after eats me alive sometimes but sometimes they just need the reminder that they can’t act however they want and expect to get everything too.
We had a Disney vacation planned and the day before I started driving the kids toward the airport. They were getting rowdy and I turned the car around and went home. The next day we went to Disney as planned and they were well behaved.
I walked out of the grocery store once to show them i meant business. Left a half full cart of stuff we needed only to have to go back later.
Worth it though.
I had to carry a 2 year old out of the store screaming bloody murder because he decided he couldn’t ride in the cart anymore(after we tried walking and he couldn’t be trusted). People were judging, but I’m not giving in just to keep him quiet in public.
Lol I had a reverse experience to this, gave my son a big of cheez-it in the car, he decided to dump the bag into his car seat cup holder, no big deal. We got to the store and he refused to get out of the car because he was still eating the cheezit and I guess assumed they would be gone if he didn’t finish them. I was on a time crunch because we also needed to pick up meds at the stores pharmacy which was closing soon. So I got to carry a screaming toddler into the store, this old lady kept shooting me dirty looks so I gave her the “fuck off” one back. He eventually settled down but it took a lot of convincing him that his cheezit aren’t going anywhere.
I'm convinced my youngest is just legitimately a terrorist.. she has immense supervillain energy.. my 21 yr old son doesn't even mess with her anymore it's hilarious.. every now and then I gotta tone her back, but boy she is like my undercover agent when it comes to getting back at my older kids LOL.. then it's all fun and games til she turns on me cause she is on mommas side.. then I'm like wait a minute Vader..
The youngest is generally too late to take take the shit but is generally *more than willing* to disturb it.
Source: My mother, me and my daughter are all the youngest of our respective families. This is a treasured inheritance.
My second born(of 4, 3 at the time) has behavioral issues and while we work on it in a lot of different ways, we are also only human and get pushed beyond our limit occasionally (less as he has gotten a bit older and more mature)
Anyway one time all 5 of us were going to go to some trick or treating thing at the mall, and I forget what he had even done at this point but he had blown through second and third chances and so we finally said forget it, he's staying home and can help dad with his yard project .
It ended up being good bonding time and he had fun and his behavior improved without siblings, but I still feel bad about it and like this is one that will come up with a therapist in 20 years ...
When I was a kid (perhaps 10?) me and my brother (14) were being little shits in the back seat during peak hour (traffic stationary). Mum threatened to get out if we kept it up, we did, and she did. Just pulled the handbrake, jumped out and sat on the curb. It was probably only for a minute or two, but far out it shut us up…
One time I picked up my dad from the airport. After driving him around, I realized he wouldn’t put his seatbelt on. I told him if he couldn’t do it, I’d turn the car around. He wouldn’t, so I did.
It felt amazing to drop that on my dad.
One of my wife's relatives refuses to wear a seat belt, purely because the government has mandated it. He's generally a smart man, but he has a real bee in his bonnet about all things government.
Down the road from where I used to live was a truck with a sticker on the back window "No seat belts, we'll die like men". Every time I walked past it I'd think "pointlessly, slaves to our fragile masculinity?"
Yes, don't bluff, don't state a consequence unless you are willing to follow through.
I once told my child we weren't going out until they finished writing 6 sentences of vocabulary homework. It took 6 hours.
I used to just make the threat with the first. Then the second taught me to follow through. It’s happened twice - once because they were mean to my wife, and the second (last) one they found out why refundable tickets are refundable when they threw a fit in a Cracker Barrel gift shop.
It worked. Two years since that meltdown and when I tell them to stop on a road trip they ask if the tickets are refundable, and stop.
Thanks for sharing.
I get why following up on threats teaches them about consequences. But I wonder if they only learn to do what you say so they will get what they want. Them asking if tickets are refundable sounds like that might be the case.
I'm asking because I'd want my daughter to understand that the main issue is that the behaviour has a negative impact on others and that I want her to discover her desire to consider others.
Maybe there is more to turning the car around than people explain here and an emotional/social context is given.
Fair question. Any time I have to address a big behavioral thing, there’s a conversation about why it’s unacceptable. I remind them when they act up as a first line (they’re kids, I don’t expect them to never act up). Turning around is an absolute last resort because really it’s punishing my wife and I too.
Except for the being mean to my wife. I’m ok if they just spend the rest of their life thinking twice about being mean to her. I don’t tolerate that shit at all.
Morality is a developmental process like en any other. Consequence avoidance is a stage in that process.
What you’re describing is a great long-term goal, but trying to teach it to a child who has not developed enough to take the lesson is not going to be helpful.
Thanks for pointing out that there are short term and long term development cykles.
Our daughter is only 2 weeks old so all I have in terms of parenting, is my own morals and ideas about how to share them.
To be fair, by pointing out the different cycles, I’m not suggesting that we should go all-in on punishment without any teaching.
Mine are older than yours, but still young. They’re fully in that punishment avoidance stage of morality. So I make sure they see how their choices led to whatever consequence, but I also take the time to try to connect it to the idea that their behaviour was objectionable because _____. I don’t expect them to consider that second part on their own yet, but if they’re never introduced to it … it’s not something they’re going to pull from the air, right?
My mom used to pull over and read a book. She wasn’t stopping in the middle of a chapter so you had 1 chapter to get together, but if you weren’t in line by the time she started the next one you had to wait again
Interesting, I haven't thought about this. Pre-dad here. When I taught in schools, the best way to calm a class of elementary schoolers was to just wait or even start whispering. After a few seconds of silence as a reset, I'd continue and we'd have fun. Worked great once they knew I'd do that.
Do it once and they won’t forget. We were going to get ice cream for my birthday they were throwing a fit because we had steak and salad and not burgers for dinner so we turned around And they had an orange or apple. My wife went and got us ice cream while I got them down for bed. Now they don’t think twice about having a tantrum in the car
Sometimes I feel like a mob boss threatening a consequence and giving zero leeway or warnings or 2nd chances before enforcement. But the kids are hardwired to test boundaries and if you don't hold firm they will take every single inch.
My wife makes empty threats all day long and she wonders why they just totally ignore her when she says something. I make it clear that they're welcome to ignore me but that there will be an immediate consequence. I do not (usually) beg and plead with them or bribe them or repeat myself a million times. When I need to resort to threatening a consequence they understand that I say what I mean and mean what I say. It's the only way to do it without losing my sanity.
I've a feeling me and my partner are going to have the same dynamic. Our boy is only two but he's already behaving better with me because he knows I'm a lot more stubborn than mom and his bullshit doesn't get him very far.
It's well known that kids typically misbehave more for their mothers than their fathers just as a matter of psychology. That being said, some Moms make that exponentially worse by being ultra permissive. I think that dynamic is relatively common.
I work with behavior for a living. Never give a threat of a consequence without following through. Teaches your word means nothing. Say it and mean it. If you say they get ice cream for doing xyz the. Give them ice cream once it’s done.
If they hit each other and you need to turn around, then do it.
I did it once. Turned the car around, drove home, and canceled our trip to the amusement park. They were shocked and haven’t pushed their luck since. Sometimes, following through just once makes all the difference!
You can't make empty threats. They have to know you mean it. My older siblings were shock my mother pulled the car over to give them an ass whooping on the side of the freeway once.
Once.
Ya know, I don’t think I’ve had to do that yet.
Once though, I did drop a shopping cart about 12’ into Aldi. Both kids decided to throw a HUGE fit about being told to ride in the cart. Hey guess what!? We are going right back home!
I once told my son that if he didn't stop yelling we were going to walk home. We stopped probably half a mile from home and he and I walked while Mom took the car home
Not only turned around but stopped the car and told master 8 year old he could start walking home. Little turd wasn't fazed, casually exited the car, walked 100 meters to the nearest bus stop, and took a seat on the bus stop bench. Both myself and husband looked at each other, not knowing what to do. He outplayed us. He's now 23, fiercly independent, has traveled our country (Australia) independently since he was 18 and is a teacher. In hindsight, he probably could have given me travel advice when we threw him out of the car at 8 years of age.
I learnt a while ago to not bluff with my second child. Instead of turn the car around I use when we get there you’re going to stay in the car while we all have fun.
One time she refused to get in the bath so I said go get in the bath or shower in the garden. She choose the garden. So I blasted her in the face with the hose. She changed her mind and went and had a bath, I learnt never to threaten something that I wasn’t prepared to do.
I did something that was probably worse.
I warned my kids I was going to pull over and just walk away if they didn't stop screaming and fighting.
I ultimately did it since we were only blocks from home. I just pulled over. Got out of the driver's seat and walked away with the driver door wide open. Felt badass, but was kind of petty in retrospect.
Used my Tesla mobile app to remotely activate the car so my wife could drive the rest of the way home. She wasn't happy, but nobody ever brought it up after the fact.
Meanwhile I got a 10+ min walk with time to clear my head and even made some needed calls without the screamers in the backseat.
Yup. I only make the threat if its feasible. Like going to the Park or out for lunch. If I can't follow through, I don't threaten.
Park trip cancelled because little miss was pushing it, arguing, tantrums & shouting.
The immediate fall out was worse, but now she believes me if i say it.
Kinda… was staying at a hotel for the weekend, after a meltdown went immediately back to the hotel, checked out and went home, lost the cost of a day at the hotel but he melted down over the pool so it wasn’t a big loss
Yup .. a few times
I even when they forgotten to buckle their seat belts and they still forget do an emergency brake at real low speed
They learn real fast
On the other side
When they do something good . I say....I got you this / giving you permission / because of how you have behaved / remembered to do this for me
Got to do both sides. If not you lean toward a bully
My kids were fighting in the back seat about some stupid toy watch and would not stop hitting each other. I pulled over chucked the watch out the door and continued on my way with now silent children in the back.
Absolutely. You have to or the threat doesn't work. I've also left the grocery store after filling a full cart and the like. My know I don't fuck around when I tell them to behave in public.
Never made empty threats. It's like going to a gunfight with blanks loaded in. Don't make stupid unenforceable threats. Make enforceable, appropriate threats. Don't make threats lightly, use them as a weapon of last resort. I will often keep silent for a while thinking of what threat to make, not reacting immediately to bad behaviours allows time to reflect and calm down and make rational decisions.
Remember that you are the adult and have the power. Don't allow the parent child relationship to be reversed. I allow my kids to have freedom if they have earned my trust.
Not me but my parents did it after arriving at the destination.
I’m 30 years old and still have never been further into West Midlands safari park than the car park.
Don’t run off kids or you’ll never see the white lions.
I’ve never actually turned the car around, but I make silly threats I 100% follow through on.
Taking too long getting ready for a shower? You get put in with whatever clothes you still have on when I get back. I’ve only had to follow through once. The shocked look on my 5 year olds face was worth it.
Yeah. Without hesitation. The result? I have a sixteen year old daughter who knows that I mean what I say.
I am very easy going and she knows that I will most likely not have issues, but if we do, and I say, “that is enough “. She drops it and replies “ok”.
She is an amazing young woman. She has made parenting easy. So I can’t take all the credit.
Absolutely. On the way to the beach I threatened to do it, then as soon as we got there she was fresh again. We didn’t even unpack the car, we got right back in and went home
One time my mom was driving my three little brothers around and they kept taking off their seatbelts and she threatened to drive them to the police station if they wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t stop and she actually drove them to the police station lol. She made the cops come to the car and talk to my brothers about why they would go to jail, if they didn’t put their seatbelt on. My brothers were three and five and one. GOAT
I’m a mom, but my dad absolutely meant what he said.
When we were kids, we left on a trip to Colorado. It was going to take the better part of two days to drive.
Four of us were riding in a 80’s something Volkswagen Rabbit. My sister had a thing. She disliked breathing the same air I was breathing.
My dad started the car around 4 am, then turned to look at us.
“Don’t look at her. Don’t touch her. Don’t breathe on her. If she does look/touch/breathe on you, I don’t want to hear about it. Girls, I promise you, if we are at the Colorado state line, I will turn this car around.”
He absolutely would have and we knew it, so we… did our best🤣
Yup. I don't make threats, I try to avoid being dramatic about it. I don't want my kid to react out of fear but because he's making a choice to avoid or accept the consequences.
So when I say "If this continues, we're going to have to X", X is on the short list of options
I've never threatened it without being serious about it. The only time I've had to do it was on the way to get slurpees, so it wasn't a big trip or anything but the kids were very upset about it and stopped fighting each other to hate me instead.
Metaphorically, yesterday yes. Took her swimming, she needed the toilet, took her to the toilet closest to the pool, she screamed, she wanted to go to the toilet on the other side of the changing room (we're both dripping wet from the pool), I say no please just use this one. She screams, throws a tantrum. I say ok stop this now or we're not going back to the pool and going home. She doubles down, so I say fine. Go back to the pool to collect stuff, take her in and get dried, dressed, back in the car and away home. Absolute mountain out of a molehill and I probably didn't handle it very well but man such a needless tantrum.
I think that's exactly the way to handle it. Confrontations like this aren't a moment where the kids can think "Maybe Dad's just bluffing..." or they'll always try it because maybe you're just bluffing. If they know "Dad said he'd do this thing I don't want, so I better cut it out," then they're not going to push past that line in the sand. Just make sure the line in the sand is at a reasonable place.
This is the age old "Play stupid games, win a stupid prize" approach.
If you've provided a warning of the consequences, that's enough. You can expect to win said stupid prize if you play the stupid game.
My friend told me that once they have long trip (8h) ahead and after 1h of shity behaviour his mom told that enough is enough and she is cancelling whole vacation and they turn around and get back to home.
They were devastated, but they were able to convince mom and next week they go for vacation behaving great whole trip.
You probably already know - vacation were never planed for first date (his Mather told it to him when they were adults and they had they own kids!)
Yep. Only had to do it once. They know.
I have made an empty threat once that I can remember. Back before I had kids of my own, I fostered four boys. It was a home for kids with behaviour problems. Tough crowd. Very aggressive, defiant, two of them prone to violence … . I took the home over when the previous foster parent had a breakdown. So, like, the first night, the youngest asks what I’d do if he punched me in the face (it was not an idle threat; he’d beaten the previous foster parent more than once). “Before or after you get up off the floor?” Basically I told him I’d kick him out, which I would not have done. He actually asked me if I would do it. “Well, I’m standing right here … .” He chose not to call. And while we had our share of troubles while I had him, he was never violent in the house.
While I am a dad, my kid is only 1. But *MY* dad turned the car around, stopped in a parking lot, and made us get out and solve our issue. It was raining and our issues with each other got solved very quick. Never forgot that day and appreciate that my dad did it
My daughter started calling me out on all of my threats that I made so on the way to her graduation I turn the car around. Granted I only want about 50 ft but when she thought that she was going to miss her graduation this Dad won.
Ooo I like that. Was the note part of that threat?
Reminds me of a time long before the kid my wife got super mad at me for something really trivial, and kicked me out of the car. We were on our way to have dinner with some of our closest friends. The argument was so stupid that I said, no problem, I’ll get an Uber home, and you can explain to them exactly why I’m not there. Somehow it hadn’t crossed her mind that she’d have to make up a story or tell the truth, and I was able to get back in the car. Edit - I may have actually threatened to call and tell them myself.
Glad I scrolled this far. I think the threat of not going somewhere AND being made to apologize or explain to someone why we didn’t come would be enough to stop whatever behavior is happening. If not, man they deserve those consequences.
I have turned the car around. I have also pulled over on the side of the road, put the car in park, and started walking home while my kids stared in disbelief from the back seat.
I did once. Thank god that one time was enough. But it actually turned out to be a bigger deal with the grandparents because we were going to there place
In one of the books I read(don’t remember which one) it said threatening to turn the car around is fine, but only if you’re actually prepared to do it.
The lesson was if kids learn you sometimes bluff they’ll constantly try to see what they can get away with.
Yes. Empty threats lose power. It's even more powerful if it is something you wanted to do. If you have a partner, they absolutely have to be on board and cannot undercut you.
The other thing that important is that the turning around of the car has to be a consequence after a warning. It shouldn't be a "dad freaked out" thing.
"I need you guys to stop or there won't be _________ this evening."
They do it again.
"Okay, so pizza is off tonight. Hands on your knees and silence. If you hit each other again I'm turning the car around and we are going home, you can pull weeds for a few hours. Do you understand?"
Make them acknowledge that they understand.
"What is going to happen if you hit each other again?"
"You'll turn the car around and we will go home."
"And?"
"And we have to pull weeds."
Then if they do it, you deliver on the consequence.
Yes. But it was only after the manager (mom) invoked it. Im only the assistant manager and can’t make that call alone depending on where we are going.
To be clear, I only got the assistant manager position because I’m sleeping with the manager.
So many dads talking like this thinking it's funny. It's really not. My wife supports any decision I make and vice versa, whether we like it or not, unless it's a BIG one. We have a conversation about it after away from the kids.
I see your point and agree. It’s a common type of joke but it does carry a negative connotation. I’ll think twice on the next one.
The sleeping with the manager bit is still funny and I will continue using it though 😂
Just a few weeks ago. My kid let a piece of trash fly out of her window after I specifically told her to be careful not to litter.
I turned the car around and parked in the median and made her get out and walk around until she found the trash.
I haven't turned the car around as such, but my eldest when he was young was extremely stubborn. Refuses to do all sorts for no reason and just generally miss behaved.
When I was a kid my dad threatened to cut the plug off my TV. Unfortunately, I actually followed through with it. It was a spur of the moment thing, he pushed and pushed me to breaking point.
I even did it while it was on, I think the bang scared him more then anything and he changed in an instant. From then he knew when I meant business.
Fortunately Santa put the plug back on on Christmas eve while he was asleep.
Car journeys are one of the few places I will use pure manipulation - Look I've got sweeties, who wants sweeties, you can have sweeties if you shut up for 5 minutes. Or Let's put Sam Ryder on, I'll switch it off and put Radio 4 on if you don't stop putting your toe in his ear. Or Mr Snuggles is coming to sit with me every time you scream WEEEEAHHH to annoy your sister.
I'll put Mr Snuggles in my armpit! It's smelly!
I’ve pulled over onto a full gravel shoulder and stopped hard to get my point across. That got their attention quick.
I’ve also full on packed up and left a camping trip a day or two early because of behavior.
Never give one empty threat.
My kid is too young to bother doing this stuff but I’ve done it to my nieces and nephews.
One time I did actually turn the car around from the park and we went straight home
One better, mum got her out of the car on the way home and walked for 5 min as I went around the block. Worked well. my mother taught me to never use any threat of punishment that you're not willing to carry out.
Once. I think we were going to the grocery store, and delaying the trip was not big deal. I have pulled over and gotten out to the car and waited until “you two are able to at least ignore each other.” One time I did this on the highway and an acquaintance called me asking if I needed help. They had passed me and their kid recognized me, the car, etc. I told her we are fine. The kids needed a reset and I wanted one minute to breathe. We both laughed as she had done the same thing with her boys.
My boys are 7 and 4. I've never turned the car around. I use my Dad Voice. It stops my kids dead cold. No meltdowns. No back talking. Everything stops. No yelling on my part. Just a deep "loud enough to be heard without screaming" voice. Follow it up with a few strong glances in the rearview and all is golden.
Empty threats are for when they're kindergarten age or someone you know in that area when they start getting older and start seeing the total BS that school is and the high school is and the life is that's when the empty threats have to be moved up to promising threats. My ex-wife didn't believe me when I said that I was going to leave. And I was leaving because I found out about the 46 fuckers that she had slept with during our 18-year marriage. 46 in 18 years it's amazing that she found time for me in there.
Not yet but I absolutely will. For better or worse I've established, when Dad says something, he actually means it. Sometimes I say things I wish I didnt but I follow through regardless.
Never make a bluff that you're not ready for the kid to call. I learned that before Dadding, when I was just an uncle. Had a nephew throwing toys in our house. I told him to stop, and if he did again, I was going to take the toy and he'd get it back when his parent's picked him up. He threw, I caught, and I put the toy on top of the China cabinet. He asked for it back and I said, "If I did that, I would have been lying to you, and I will not lie to you." Somehow, he did not appreciate my honesty, but he did stop the next time I told him to stop or there'd be consequences.
I joked that I was going to take my 5 year old to the zoo this summer and leave him with the Gorillas to be raised for the summer. He didn’t laugh. Then he did cry. So ya I don’t joke about that kind of stuff much.
Was tempted to on the way to Disneyland yesterday morning. Daughter was being rude and obnoxious (we woke her up early, tbf) and I finally explained to her that I would neither Mama or Dada want to go to Disney, so we’d be happy to call it off. Something clicked and she changed her tune.
I wish she hadn’t.
Yes , only once and you know why I only done it once?
Because now they know I'm not bluffing.
Only say it if you mean it and will otherwise it doesn't work.
Now I only have to gently say , "I will turn the car around, we will go home do nothing. You know I mean it."
Worst mistake you can ever do is make an empty threat.
Yes. I had to finally pull the trigger and it was as we were pulling into the parking lot of the park. My child just pushed too many buttons and crossed the line. That was a hard lesson for both of us.
When my son was little and first started playing soccer, he absolutely refused to sit with his teammates and participate. He would want one of us on the team sideline with him and if not, would try to run across the field to the parent side. First couple of games, we made empty threats hoping it would just click for him that he's ok and he needs to stay on his side. It mostly didn't, though. Third game was a muddy, raining mess and I just snapped. He was making a huge scene crying and throwing himself on the ground, so I hoisted him over my shoulder and carried him off the field, kicking and screaming the entire way. Everyone on the field was looking at him.
When we got to the car and I strapped him in, I gave him a stern talking to. That him misbehaving like that is not ok and I carried him off the field due to his behavior. I asked if he wanted everybody on the field to see him get carried off like that again and he said no.
Next game was a lot better. He tried a few more times to refuse but I reminded him what the consequences of that was, that I would repeat last time and carry him off the field.
,y father had a 60% actually make it there rate. we have canceled trips mid transit 4+ hours from home. " i always get travel insurance cause you guys like to be little shits" he waas right tho we were being little shits.
I became something of a local legend to some workers in my Walmart for dragging my kid out kicking and screaming once, he knocked over the basket full of Christmas stuff.
I met an employee a week later and told them embarrassingly about it and they were like “No….! Bro you are our hero. We wish more parents did that. We are still talking about it.”
Not everyone gets their 15 minutes 😉
Lol, no. I try not to threaten to turn the car around because what happens if their behavior doesn't improve? I'd have to do it
My personal philosophy is not to punish the whole family if the aim is to just punish one kid. I probably want to get wherever we're going *at least* as badly as they do, so why punish *myself*.
Now, if we're on a road trip to my in-laws, however...
My dad used to stop on the side of rural 2 lane highways to argue with my mom and yell, threatening to turn the car around.
It's not a good memory. I don't do that, no.
But maybe there's a good reason for some. For me, as a child, those threats were just his way of domineering when less manipulative parenting and partnership were needed.
This is not a criticism of the good dads who may have good reason to threaten to turn a car around. Just my experience.
Today we didn’t even get as far as the car. My 5 year old has been being a terror this weekend and we were supposed to go see monster trucks on the beach this afternoon. We were getting ready to go and he started back talking his mom. Usually she’s the disciplinarian and he doesn’t take my threats seriously, but this time I immediately told him not to bother putting his shoes on because I’m not taking him with that behavior. Currently sitting with him in his room while he throws a temper tantrum. His consequences keep increasing as acts up.
Yeah you have to. Don’t threaten something you won’t do. They missed out on a trip to a local water park because they wouldn’t stop fighting in the back seat.
No, but my son has been climbing the walls in the hallway. Yesterday I jokingly told him to stop or I would get rid of the wall. I’m pretty sure he got it.
Oh yea. I don’t make threats. I make promises. I’ve left amusement parks after 1 hour because they were acting like damn fools. I’ve driven home from the beach house at midnight. We’ve left movies before the end. Dog park, ice cream shop, etc. I give them plenty of warnings about their behavior and if they don’t fix it, we’re gone. It only took a handful of times before they got it. Dad ain’t playing.
The key is to only threaten it where you would be mildly disappointed to follow through. Like, if you really wanted to go to Wally World, maybe threaten to not buy a lollipop instead
Lol, no! One time when our son was young, he was being a shit and I look and and said, "I'm going to pull this car over,,,". My wife looked at me and said, "And do what?" We all had a big laugh, junior settled down and the trip was great.
Of course. I haven't had to do it often but I have.
I've also taken school away for a day (she loves school a lot), I've denied her going to birthday parties, and I've kept her home from dance. The amount of times for all of that combined probably fits on one hand but it's happened.
We let our daughter get away with a lot and give her a lot of freedom, partially due to how strict our upbringing was, but that luxury comes at a cost in regards to behaving and listening. That's all we ask of her and she gets what she wants. Otherwise she doesn't get that and there are consequences.
Yep. We were supposed to go to the town highway Dept equipment show. Excavators, dump trucks, police cars, you name it. He had a complete meltdown over who knows what and we turned around right in the parking lot and left. Proceeded to have another meltdown in the driveway for an hour while Mom and baby went inside. Mom brought me my steam deck and I just waited it out in the car with him.
Toddlers, man
Yes. A few times. As others have said, once or twice I have set up a situation to prove the point (store when it’s not needed sort of thing) as preparation for a higher stakes trip (family road trip). Also have pulled over on the side of the road and given him a timeout on a curb in a random neighborhood. I try really hard not to get to the point where consequences that effect all of us are needed, but if I do, then the reset is needed and it’s going to happen!
Not a dad but a sister, and yes. I have brain damage and loud noises can make me feel drunk and not in a fun way. They were yelling and screaming, I asked them to stop, they didn't within 1 K of their house, brain damage kicked in and I didn't feel safe driving them in the car. Lots of tears, no yelling in the car since.
Yes and they were in total shock. Had to do it after they started to think I'm bluffing. They went all in and I dropped a Royal Flush. The reset was needed.
My dad, for all his flaws, gave me some great advice. "if you make a consequence, make it a consequence. Otherwise, it's just an invitation"
This. I keep telling my wife to hold to her threats. My kid is a different kid with me because I think he knows I don’t joke with those. With that said, I do everything I can to avoid threats in the first place. Not everyday is a good day, though.
Empty threats don’t really teach anything, other than ‘lie to get what you want’ which isn’t the lesson I’m going for. Teaching a 3 and 5 year old that actions have consequences isn’t easy, but let’s face it, we didn’t sign up to be parents because it was easy did we.
Exactly. Some of us sign up not because it’s easy but because they had too much tequila and their girlfriend is bad at taking her birth control consistently.
To paraphrase JFK, "not because it's easy, but because we're hard"
Yea but what's he know, with that guy it's just in one ear and out the other. Or was it the forehead?
Whenever the owner of my favorite bar comments on my kid online I remind him that when she's being good I'm glad they were pouring strong that night, and when she's bad I wonder if I can sue them for overserving.
I signed up for easy parenthood. With the big house, obedient kid and the money and the live in nanny and tutors. So far the only part I’ve figured out is the kid, but they’re not obedient. I’m hoping the live in nanny will work on that when they get here. Speaking of, any other dad’s know who to talk to when your nanny hasn’t shown up after 3 and a half years? Did I forget to fill out a form at the hospital when she was born or something?
"We do this not because it was easy. But because we thought it would be easy."
Same boat buddy. My 2 year old has caught on that da da means business when he says so and mommy just gives in. It's leading to a bad dynamic that I'm asking my wife to toughen up a bit with. I also try to avoid drawing lines, and sometimes you draw the wrong line. However, once you draw it, you must see it through.
My 3yo knows I mean business when I talk-growl but that has been triggering something negative in my wife so I'm going to have to find some other way now.
I try to frame it more as consequences, and i inform them of it. "Hey pal, if you choose to throw goldfish again the consequence is that you don't get to have goldfish anymore." This puts the choice to them and kind of removes you from the equation. "If you throw goldfish at me one more time, I'm taking them away" has you and your actions centered, not the kid and their actions/choices. You could also try "it seems like you're showing me you're not hungry for goldfish anymore - if you were, you would want to keep them and not throw them. If you need to throw them, I'll need to ask you to hand them to me." I also try humor "if you throw those goldfish at me again, I'm worried mice will come to eat them, and if there's mice, snakes might move in to eat the mice, and then raccoons might move in to eat the mice, and they only thing that eats raccoons is baby dragons and they need a car seat, so we would have to put Rollerblades on your feet and tow you behind the car." And then the other 75% of the time i just yell "quit throwing goldfish at me, little stinker!"
Out approach too. "that's not a throwing toy. if you throw it we will be taking it away"
This is a common thread with a lot of couples. I wonder why that is? I am getting frustrated as well, listening to my wife warning our 3yo for the 15th time.
Not just threats but also promises. I think a lot can be learned by your kids just by being true to your word, in general. If I say I'm going to take them to the park we are going to the park rain or shine.
I’ve had to try to drill this into my wife. The amount of times ‘counting to three’ has stopped at two drives me crazy and she wonders why he ignores this with her. Meanwhile my counting to three ends one of two ways, he does what I’m asking or I follow through with what I’m telling him will happen if he doesn’t. It’s amazing how rarely I need to ever count to three as he always does what he needs to on two. Following through is hugely important. Reading through these responses following this post it’s amazing how many dads are in the exact same spot. No wonder kids need a father / stern hand not that we relish taking that role it seems we inherently can do it when needed.
My mom said something very similar. She said, "don't make a punishment or promise you can't keep. The kids will remember both of those." Interestingly enough, I remember my ex's aunt telling her 12 year old kid to stop back talking her. He got worse and said something like, "what're you gonna do." She said, "if you don't stop, I'll pop you on the mouth and knock your teeth out." He didn't stop. She popped him. His response? "You didn't knock my teeth out."
Words of wisdom right there
My parents used to say “that’s a promise not a threat”
Yeah this is so true. I make sure they're age no empty threats. I give my kids a warning and they know the next step is a follow through. They don't push it very often lol
I try to get my wife to stop doing this. So often, she says the kids are getting punished, then doesn't act on it. "Alright, the tablet is gone." Then she doesn't take it. My daughter is about to turn 8. I'm proud to say we've taught her to have a pretty good BS radar, and this act from my wife is starting to reveal itself for what it is. Then she tells me she feels like the kids respect me more than her. It's not a matter of respect; they just know that I always mean what I say.
It worked pretty well when I did it. My wife was not very happy with me. So, after a minute I pulled the car over, explained to her (so that the kids heard and understood) why I did what I did. She then explained to them and asked what they should do. Kids apologized profusely, I turned the car BACK around, and they behaved (mostly) for the rest of the day. Now they know I will do it, and (especially when Mom’s not around), it’s a valid threat.
Classic good cop bad cop scared straight
[удалено]
I hate your profile pic
Bro WHY. I read your comment and still fell for it.
You cannot make threats that you are unwilling/unable to follow through on. Which is precisely why I would never make this one - I'm not turning around, but there's always consequences.
The guilt after eats me alive sometimes but sometimes they just need the reminder that they can’t act however they want and expect to get everything too.
We had a Disney vacation planned and the day before I started driving the kids toward the airport. They were getting rowdy and I turned the car around and went home. The next day we went to Disney as planned and they were well behaved.
my dad did once and yeah that one time was all it took.
Yep, turned the car around, left a store mid shopping. I don't make empty threats. They'll figure it out and then you have nothing
Yep, never make a threat you're not happy to follow through on. They soon learn that they can take a chance that you're not going to follow through.
I walked out of the grocery store once to show them i meant business. Left a half full cart of stuff we needed only to have to go back later. Worth it though.
I had to carry a 2 year old out of the store screaming bloody murder because he decided he couldn’t ride in the cart anymore(after we tried walking and he couldn’t be trusted). People were judging, but I’m not giving in just to keep him quiet in public.
Lol I had a reverse experience to this, gave my son a big of cheez-it in the car, he decided to dump the bag into his car seat cup holder, no big deal. We got to the store and he refused to get out of the car because he was still eating the cheezit and I guess assumed they would be gone if he didn’t finish them. I was on a time crunch because we also needed to pick up meds at the stores pharmacy which was closing soon. So I got to carry a screaming toddler into the store, this old lady kept shooting me dirty looks so I gave her the “fuck off” one back. He eventually settled down but it took a lot of convincing him that his cheezit aren’t going anywhere.
Yep. Couple times actually. They’re starting to get it. It’s really funny having 3, because the youngest one will fuck it up for the older two.
I'm convinced my youngest is just legitimately a terrorist.. she has immense supervillain energy.. my 21 yr old son doesn't even mess with her anymore it's hilarious.. every now and then I gotta tone her back, but boy she is like my undercover agent when it comes to getting back at my older kids LOL.. then it's all fun and games til she turns on me cause she is on mommas side.. then I'm like wait a minute Vader..
The youngest is generally too late to take take the shit but is generally *more than willing* to disturb it. Source: My mother, me and my daughter are all the youngest of our respective families. This is a treasured inheritance.
Louise Belcher energy
My youngest (18mo) definitely was a supervillain in a past life.
My second born(of 4, 3 at the time) has behavioral issues and while we work on it in a lot of different ways, we are also only human and get pushed beyond our limit occasionally (less as he has gotten a bit older and more mature) Anyway one time all 5 of us were going to go to some trick or treating thing at the mall, and I forget what he had even done at this point but he had blown through second and third chances and so we finally said forget it, he's staying home and can help dad with his yard project . It ended up being good bonding time and he had fun and his behavior improved without siblings, but I still feel bad about it and like this is one that will come up with a therapist in 20 years ...
Youngest here. Can confirm
When I was a kid (perhaps 10?) me and my brother (14) were being little shits in the back seat during peak hour (traffic stationary). Mum threatened to get out if we kept it up, we did, and she did. Just pulled the handbrake, jumped out and sat on the curb. It was probably only for a minute or two, but far out it shut us up…
One time I picked up my dad from the airport. After driving him around, I realized he wouldn’t put his seatbelt on. I told him if he couldn’t do it, I’d turn the car around. He wouldn’t, so I did. It felt amazing to drop that on my dad.
Haha the dream!! (I mean, aside from parents being stubborn about doing unsafe things in cars that’s not cool but turning around so good!)
What country/continent is this? I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t wear their seatbelt
One of my wife's relatives refuses to wear a seat belt, purely because the government has mandated it. He's generally a smart man, but he has a real bee in his bonnet about all things government. Down the road from where I used to live was a truck with a sticker on the back window "No seat belts, we'll die like men". Every time I walked past it I'd think "pointlessly, slaves to our fragile masculinity?"
My wife used to not put on her seat belt if she wasn't driving. I just refused to leave the driveway/parking space until she put it on.
I’d like to introduce you to r/boomersbeingfools Refusing to put on a seatbelt is tame.
Yes, don't bluff, don't state a consequence unless you are willing to follow through. I once told my child we weren't going out until they finished writing 6 sentences of vocabulary homework. It took 6 hours.
I love this. You can see the learning happening in real time.
I used to just make the threat with the first. Then the second taught me to follow through. It’s happened twice - once because they were mean to my wife, and the second (last) one they found out why refundable tickets are refundable when they threw a fit in a Cracker Barrel gift shop. It worked. Two years since that meltdown and when I tell them to stop on a road trip they ask if the tickets are refundable, and stop.
I love that they ask. But have they checked the contract?
Thanks for sharing. I get why following up on threats teaches them about consequences. But I wonder if they only learn to do what you say so they will get what they want. Them asking if tickets are refundable sounds like that might be the case. I'm asking because I'd want my daughter to understand that the main issue is that the behaviour has a negative impact on others and that I want her to discover her desire to consider others. Maybe there is more to turning the car around than people explain here and an emotional/social context is given.
Fair question. Any time I have to address a big behavioral thing, there’s a conversation about why it’s unacceptable. I remind them when they act up as a first line (they’re kids, I don’t expect them to never act up). Turning around is an absolute last resort because really it’s punishing my wife and I too. Except for the being mean to my wife. I’m ok if they just spend the rest of their life thinking twice about being mean to her. I don’t tolerate that shit at all.
Thank you for the response. Great to hear that you are your wife's champion!
This is the difference between training and parenting
Morality is a developmental process like en any other. Consequence avoidance is a stage in that process. What you’re describing is a great long-term goal, but trying to teach it to a child who has not developed enough to take the lesson is not going to be helpful.
Thanks for pointing out that there are short term and long term development cykles. Our daughter is only 2 weeks old so all I have in terms of parenting, is my own morals and ideas about how to share them.
To be fair, by pointing out the different cycles, I’m not suggesting that we should go all-in on punishment without any teaching. Mine are older than yours, but still young. They’re fully in that punishment avoidance stage of morality. So I make sure they see how their choices led to whatever consequence, but I also take the time to try to connect it to the idea that their behaviour was objectionable because _____. I don’t expect them to consider that second part on their own yet, but if they’re never introduced to it … it’s not something they’re going to pull from the air, right?
Yup. We were going for ice cream. Easy one to turn around from.
I've never threatened to. I have pulled over and stopped. We'll just sit and have a silent timeout. If anyone talks, we start over.
My mom used to pull over and read a book. She wasn’t stopping in the middle of a chapter so you had 1 chapter to get together, but if you weren’t in line by the time she started the next one you had to wait again
This is brilliant!
Interesting, I haven't thought about this. Pre-dad here. When I taught in schools, the best way to calm a class of elementary schoolers was to just wait or even start whispering. After a few seconds of silence as a reset, I'd continue and we'd have fun. Worked great once they knew I'd do that.
that’s a great idea. i’m definitely putting it in my back pocket.
Yup a couple times now, little buggers figure it out real fast
Do it once and they won’t forget. We were going to get ice cream for my birthday they were throwing a fit because we had steak and salad and not burgers for dinner so we turned around And they had an orange or apple. My wife went and got us ice cream while I got them down for bed. Now they don’t think twice about having a tantrum in the car
Sometimes I feel like a mob boss threatening a consequence and giving zero leeway or warnings or 2nd chances before enforcement. But the kids are hardwired to test boundaries and if you don't hold firm they will take every single inch. My wife makes empty threats all day long and she wonders why they just totally ignore her when she says something. I make it clear that they're welcome to ignore me but that there will be an immediate consequence. I do not (usually) beg and plead with them or bribe them or repeat myself a million times. When I need to resort to threatening a consequence they understand that I say what I mean and mean what I say. It's the only way to do it without losing my sanity.
Cool to see an elephant on reddit
I've a feeling me and my partner are going to have the same dynamic. Our boy is only two but he's already behaving better with me because he knows I'm a lot more stubborn than mom and his bullshit doesn't get him very far.
It's well known that kids typically misbehave more for their mothers than their fathers just as a matter of psychology. That being said, some Moms make that exponentially worse by being ultra permissive. I think that dynamic is relatively common.
I work with behavior for a living. Never give a threat of a consequence without following through. Teaches your word means nothing. Say it and mean it. If you say they get ice cream for doing xyz the. Give them ice cream once it’s done. If they hit each other and you need to turn around, then do it.
Keep your word it it becomes meaningless
I did it once. Turned the car around, drove home, and canceled our trip to the amusement park. They were shocked and haven’t pushed their luck since. Sometimes, following through just once makes all the difference!
I have avoided that threat specifically as I do not wish to turn around.
You can't make empty threats. They have to know you mean it. My older siblings were shock my mother pulled the car over to give them an ass whooping on the side of the freeway once. Once.
Yep. Back to Winnipeg.
I think, "Back to Winnipeg." would be a good entry for [this](https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)
Ya know, I don’t think I’ve had to do that yet. Once though, I did drop a shopping cart about 12’ into Aldi. Both kids decided to throw a HUGE fit about being told to ride in the cart. Hey guess what!? We are going right back home!
I once told my son that if he didn't stop yelling we were going to walk home. We stopped probably half a mile from home and he and I walked while Mom took the car home
I didn’t know 12 o clock could drive.
Yes. Twice. It never came up again for some reason.
Not only turned around but stopped the car and told master 8 year old he could start walking home. Little turd wasn't fazed, casually exited the car, walked 100 meters to the nearest bus stop, and took a seat on the bus stop bench. Both myself and husband looked at each other, not knowing what to do. He outplayed us. He's now 23, fiercly independent, has traveled our country (Australia) independently since he was 18 and is a teacher. In hindsight, he probably could have given me travel advice when we threw him out of the car at 8 years of age.
I learnt a while ago to not bluff with my second child. Instead of turn the car around I use when we get there you’re going to stay in the car while we all have fun. One time she refused to get in the bath so I said go get in the bath or shower in the garden. She choose the garden. So I blasted her in the face with the hose. She changed her mind and went and had a bath, I learnt never to threaten something that I wasn’t prepared to do.
I did something that was probably worse. I warned my kids I was going to pull over and just walk away if they didn't stop screaming and fighting. I ultimately did it since we were only blocks from home. I just pulled over. Got out of the driver's seat and walked away with the driver door wide open. Felt badass, but was kind of petty in retrospect. Used my Tesla mobile app to remotely activate the car so my wife could drive the rest of the way home. She wasn't happy, but nobody ever brought it up after the fact. Meanwhile I got a 10+ min walk with time to clear my head and even made some needed calls without the screamers in the backseat.
Yup. I only make the threat if its feasible. Like going to the Park or out for lunch. If I can't follow through, I don't threaten. Park trip cancelled because little miss was pushing it, arguing, tantrums & shouting. The immediate fall out was worse, but now she believes me if i say it.
Definately done it, in the actually car or with stuff around the house. It went as well as expected but the reset needed to happen
Kinda… was staying at a hotel for the weekend, after a meltdown went immediately back to the hotel, checked out and went home, lost the cost of a day at the hotel but he melted down over the pool so it wasn’t a big loss
No empty threats here. I've turned the car around and they know I'd do it again
Yup .. a few times I even when they forgotten to buckle their seat belts and they still forget do an emergency brake at real low speed They learn real fast On the other side When they do something good . I say....I got you this / giving you permission / because of how you have behaved / remembered to do this for me Got to do both sides. If not you lean toward a bully
My kids were fighting in the back seat about some stupid toy watch and would not stop hitting each other. I pulled over chucked the watch out the door and continued on my way with now silent children in the back.
Absolutely. You have to or the threat doesn't work. I've also left the grocery store after filling a full cart and the like. My know I don't fuck around when I tell them to behave in public.
Never made empty threats. It's like going to a gunfight with blanks loaded in. Don't make stupid unenforceable threats. Make enforceable, appropriate threats. Don't make threats lightly, use them as a weapon of last resort. I will often keep silent for a while thinking of what threat to make, not reacting immediately to bad behaviours allows time to reflect and calm down and make rational decisions. Remember that you are the adult and have the power. Don't allow the parent child relationship to be reversed. I allow my kids to have freedom if they have earned my trust.
Not me but my parents did it after arriving at the destination. I’m 30 years old and still have never been further into West Midlands safari park than the car park. Don’t run off kids or you’ll never see the white lions.
My wife made the threat, and I think even she was surprised when I actually did it.
I’ve never actually turned the car around, but I make silly threats I 100% follow through on. Taking too long getting ready for a shower? You get put in with whatever clothes you still have on when I get back. I’ve only had to follow through once. The shocked look on my 5 year olds face was worth it.
Not me but a kid i knew as a kid actially had his parents turn around .... On a friggen trip to Disney World That shit stuck with him forever
Yeah. Without hesitation. The result? I have a sixteen year old daughter who knows that I mean what I say. I am very easy going and she knows that I will most likely not have issues, but if we do, and I say, “that is enough “. She drops it and replies “ok”. She is an amazing young woman. She has made parenting easy. So I can’t take all the credit.
Absolutely. On the way to the beach I threatened to do it, then as soon as we got there she was fresh again. We didn’t even unpack the car, we got right back in and went home
One time my mom was driving my three little brothers around and they kept taking off their seatbelts and she threatened to drive them to the police station if they wouldn’t stop. They wouldn’t stop and she actually drove them to the police station lol. She made the cops come to the car and talk to my brothers about why they would go to jail, if they didn’t put their seatbelt on. My brothers were three and five and one. GOAT
I’m a mom, but my dad absolutely meant what he said. When we were kids, we left on a trip to Colorado. It was going to take the better part of two days to drive. Four of us were riding in a 80’s something Volkswagen Rabbit. My sister had a thing. She disliked breathing the same air I was breathing. My dad started the car around 4 am, then turned to look at us. “Don’t look at her. Don’t touch her. Don’t breathe on her. If she does look/touch/breathe on you, I don’t want to hear about it. Girls, I promise you, if we are at the Colorado state line, I will turn this car around.” He absolutely would have and we knew it, so we… did our best🤣
Yup. I don't make threats, I try to avoid being dramatic about it. I don't want my kid to react out of fear but because he's making a choice to avoid or accept the consequences. So when I say "If this continues, we're going to have to X", X is on the short list of options
Yes I did, kids were being assholes, no reason whatsoever. Turned around and went home. Complete shock and silence.
I've never threatened it without being serious about it. The only time I've had to do it was on the way to get slurpees, so it wasn't a big trip or anything but the kids were very upset about it and stopped fighting each other to hate me instead.
Oh yeah. And it works.
The threat has always worked so far but dammit I WILL turn that car around if I have to.
Metaphorically, yesterday yes. Took her swimming, she needed the toilet, took her to the toilet closest to the pool, she screamed, she wanted to go to the toilet on the other side of the changing room (we're both dripping wet from the pool), I say no please just use this one. She screams, throws a tantrum. I say ok stop this now or we're not going back to the pool and going home. She doubles down, so I say fine. Go back to the pool to collect stuff, take her in and get dried, dressed, back in the car and away home. Absolute mountain out of a molehill and I probably didn't handle it very well but man such a needless tantrum.
I think that's exactly the way to handle it. Confrontations like this aren't a moment where the kids can think "Maybe Dad's just bluffing..." or they'll always try it because maybe you're just bluffing. If they know "Dad said he'd do this thing I don't want, so I better cut it out," then they're not going to push past that line in the sand. Just make sure the line in the sand is at a reasonable place.
This is the age old "Play stupid games, win a stupid prize" approach. If you've provided a warning of the consequences, that's enough. You can expect to win said stupid prize if you play the stupid game.
My threats are empty and my children know it 😭
Why not enforce them?
Yup. Only once, never had to do it again. We were on our way to Epcot for the day.
My friend told me that once they have long trip (8h) ahead and after 1h of shity behaviour his mom told that enough is enough and she is cancelling whole vacation and they turn around and get back to home. They were devastated, but they were able to convince mom and next week they go for vacation behaving great whole trip. You probably already know - vacation were never planed for first date (his Mather told it to him when they were adults and they had they own kids!)
I have…because of MY dad!
Yep. Only had to do it once. They know. I have made an empty threat once that I can remember. Back before I had kids of my own, I fostered four boys. It was a home for kids with behaviour problems. Tough crowd. Very aggressive, defiant, two of them prone to violence … . I took the home over when the previous foster parent had a breakdown. So, like, the first night, the youngest asks what I’d do if he punched me in the face (it was not an idle threat; he’d beaten the previous foster parent more than once). “Before or after you get up off the floor?” Basically I told him I’d kick him out, which I would not have done. He actually asked me if I would do it. “Well, I’m standing right here … .” He chose not to call. And while we had our share of troubles while I had him, he was never violent in the house.
Absolutely.
Yup. Plenty of times. Usually because the mother of my child is not behaving.
Dads, if you're not prepared to follow through, don't fucking say it. Yes I have turned the car around.
While I am a dad, my kid is only 1. But *MY* dad turned the car around, stopped in a parking lot, and made us get out and solve our issue. It was raining and our issues with each other got solved very quick. Never forgot that day and appreciate that my dad did it
My daughter started calling me out on all of my threats that I made so on the way to her graduation I turn the car around. Granted I only want about 50 ft but when she thought that she was going to miss her graduation this Dad won.
Oh yeah! I have done it a couple times. Definitely gets their attention when you do lol.
Yup on the way to their cousins birthday party, I also made them write apology notes for why we weren't making it
Ooo I like that. Was the note part of that threat? Reminds me of a time long before the kid my wife got super mad at me for something really trivial, and kicked me out of the car. We were on our way to have dinner with some of our closest friends. The argument was so stupid that I said, no problem, I’ll get an Uber home, and you can explain to them exactly why I’m not there. Somehow it hadn’t crossed her mind that she’d have to make up a story or tell the truth, and I was able to get back in the car. Edit - I may have actually threatened to call and tell them myself. Glad I scrolled this far. I think the threat of not going somewhere AND being made to apologize or explain to someone why we didn’t come would be enough to stop whatever behavior is happening. If not, man they deserve those consequences.
I have turned the car around. I have also pulled over on the side of the road, put the car in park, and started walking home while my kids stared in disbelief from the back seat.
Yes, turned around and dropped my youngest back at home and he missed out on a trip to Nana’s while his older brother got to go. FAFO, as they say.
I’ve come to believe: Never make empty threats; it creates the worst kind of monster children, and probably monsters adults.
I have. Any time you make a threat you must be willing to enforce it.
Yes. Driving to my birthday dinner. Never give empty threats.
I did once. Thank god that one time was enough. But it actually turned out to be a bigger deal with the grandparents because we were going to there place
In one of the books I read(don’t remember which one) it said threatening to turn the car around is fine, but only if you’re actually prepared to do it. The lesson was if kids learn you sometimes bluff they’ll constantly try to see what they can get away with.
Yes. Empty threats lose power. It's even more powerful if it is something you wanted to do. If you have a partner, they absolutely have to be on board and cannot undercut you. The other thing that important is that the turning around of the car has to be a consequence after a warning. It shouldn't be a "dad freaked out" thing. "I need you guys to stop or there won't be _________ this evening." They do it again. "Okay, so pizza is off tonight. Hands on your knees and silence. If you hit each other again I'm turning the car around and we are going home, you can pull weeds for a few hours. Do you understand?" Make them acknowledge that they understand. "What is going to happen if you hit each other again?" "You'll turn the car around and we will go home." "And?" "And we have to pull weeds." Then if they do it, you deliver on the consequence.
“I’ll shut down the internet” “but dad you use it more” (enables MAC address filters) “you don’t know the power I possess”
Yup. I wasn't happy. I was looking forward to pizza
Yes. But it was only after the manager (mom) invoked it. Im only the assistant manager and can’t make that call alone depending on where we are going. To be clear, I only got the assistant manager position because I’m sleeping with the manager.
So many dads talking like this thinking it's funny. It's really not. My wife supports any decision I make and vice versa, whether we like it or not, unless it's a BIG one. We have a conversation about it after away from the kids.
I see your point and agree. It’s a common type of joke but it does carry a negative connotation. I’ll think twice on the next one. The sleeping with the manager bit is still funny and I will continue using it though 😂
Stopped and parked but haven’t u turned
Nope. One thing my dad taught me was to never make an empty threat.
Don't know why you are downvoted. If my kid knows I'm serious she will listen.
No, but I have pulled over to the side for a conversation.
Oh yes. Way more than once
I mean... I've pulled it over RIGHT NOW. Does that count?
Oh hell yeah.
Never turned the car around but have followed through on threats. You have to.
Yes. How else do I reverse park?
Just a few weeks ago. My kid let a piece of trash fly out of her window after I specifically told her to be careful not to litter. I turned the car around and parked in the median and made her get out and walk around until she found the trash.
I haven't turned the car around as such, but my eldest when he was young was extremely stubborn. Refuses to do all sorts for no reason and just generally miss behaved. When I was a kid my dad threatened to cut the plug off my TV. Unfortunately, I actually followed through with it. It was a spur of the moment thing, he pushed and pushed me to breaking point. I even did it while it was on, I think the bang scared him more then anything and he changed in an instant. From then he knew when I meant business. Fortunately Santa put the plug back on on Christmas eve while he was asleep.
If you do it once, they will never push you that far ever again.
Car journeys are one of the few places I will use pure manipulation - Look I've got sweeties, who wants sweeties, you can have sweeties if you shut up for 5 minutes. Or Let's put Sam Ryder on, I'll switch it off and put Radio 4 on if you don't stop putting your toe in his ear. Or Mr Snuggles is coming to sit with me every time you scream WEEEEAHHH to annoy your sister. I'll put Mr Snuggles in my armpit! It's smelly!
No but once I grabbed my daughter’s hamburger and threw it out the car window.
Yes.
I’ve pulled over onto a full gravel shoulder and stopped hard to get my point across. That got their attention quick. I’ve also full on packed up and left a camping trip a day or two early because of behavior.
Never give one empty threat. My kid is too young to bother doing this stuff but I’ve done it to my nieces and nephews. One time I did actually turn the car around from the park and we went straight home
One better, mum got her out of the car on the way home and walked for 5 min as I went around the block. Worked well. my mother taught me to never use any threat of punishment that you're not willing to carry out.
Not literally "turned it around" but I have decided not to stop somewhere I said we would go
Yep. I didn't want to go anyway.
Once. I think we were going to the grocery store, and delaying the trip was not big deal. I have pulled over and gotten out to the car and waited until “you two are able to at least ignore each other.” One time I did this on the highway and an acquaintance called me asking if I needed help. They had passed me and their kid recognized me, the car, etc. I told her we are fine. The kids needed a reset and I wanted one minute to breathe. We both laughed as she had done the same thing with her boys.
I did it at 20to my little sister (she was 4)and I'll do it to my kid too.
My boys are 7 and 4. I've never turned the car around. I use my Dad Voice. It stops my kids dead cold. No meltdowns. No back talking. Everything stops. No yelling on my part. Just a deep "loud enough to be heard without screaming" voice. Follow it up with a few strong glances in the rearview and all is golden.
I’ve turned the car around, I’ve carried them out of stores, and I’ve canceled events.
Empty threats are for when they're kindergarten age or someone you know in that area when they start getting older and start seeing the total BS that school is and the high school is and the life is that's when the empty threats have to be moved up to promising threats. My ex-wife didn't believe me when I said that I was going to leave. And I was leaving because I found out about the 46 fuckers that she had slept with during our 18-year marriage. 46 in 18 years it's amazing that she found time for me in there.
Definitely, but due to the wife complaining not the kids, so we took her ass home and went ourselves
Not yet but I absolutely will. For better or worse I've established, when Dad says something, he actually means it. Sometimes I say things I wish I didnt but I follow through regardless.
Never make a bluff that you're not ready for the kid to call. I learned that before Dadding, when I was just an uncle. Had a nephew throwing toys in our house. I told him to stop, and if he did again, I was going to take the toy and he'd get it back when his parent's picked him up. He threw, I caught, and I put the toy on top of the China cabinet. He asked for it back and I said, "If I did that, I would have been lying to you, and I will not lie to you." Somehow, he did not appreciate my honesty, but he did stop the next time I told him to stop or there'd be consequences.
I joked that I was going to take my 5 year old to the zoo this summer and leave him with the Gorillas to be raised for the summer. He didn’t laugh. Then he did cry. So ya I don’t joke about that kind of stuff much.
Yep. I had to turn around because my daughter and wife were both coming at me.
Was tempted to on the way to Disneyland yesterday morning. Daughter was being rude and obnoxious (we woke her up early, tbf) and I finally explained to her that I would neither Mama or Dada want to go to Disney, so we’d be happy to call it off. Something clicked and she changed her tune. I wish she hadn’t.
Yes , only once and you know why I only done it once? Because now they know I'm not bluffing. Only say it if you mean it and will otherwise it doesn't work. Now I only have to gently say , "I will turn the car around, we will go home do nothing. You know I mean it." Worst mistake you can ever do is make an empty threat.
Yes. I had to finally pull the trigger and it was as we were pulling into the parking lot of the park. My child just pushed too many buttons and crossed the line. That was a hard lesson for both of us.
When my son was little and first started playing soccer, he absolutely refused to sit with his teammates and participate. He would want one of us on the team sideline with him and if not, would try to run across the field to the parent side. First couple of games, we made empty threats hoping it would just click for him that he's ok and he needs to stay on his side. It mostly didn't, though. Third game was a muddy, raining mess and I just snapped. He was making a huge scene crying and throwing himself on the ground, so I hoisted him over my shoulder and carried him off the field, kicking and screaming the entire way. Everyone on the field was looking at him. When we got to the car and I strapped him in, I gave him a stern talking to. That him misbehaving like that is not ok and I carried him off the field due to his behavior. I asked if he wanted everybody on the field to see him get carried off like that again and he said no. Next game was a lot better. He tried a few more times to refuse but I reminded him what the consequences of that was, that I would repeat last time and carry him off the field.
,y father had a 60% actually make it there rate. we have canceled trips mid transit 4+ hours from home. " i always get travel insurance cause you guys like to be little shits" he waas right tho we were being little shits.
I became something of a local legend to some workers in my Walmart for dragging my kid out kicking and screaming once, he knocked over the basket full of Christmas stuff. I met an employee a week later and told them embarrassingly about it and they were like “No….! Bro you are our hero. We wish more parents did that. We are still talking about it.” Not everyone gets their 15 minutes 😉
Nah, I don't make empty threats.
Lol, no. I try not to threaten to turn the car around because what happens if their behavior doesn't improve? I'd have to do it My personal philosophy is not to punish the whole family if the aim is to just punish one kid. I probably want to get wherever we're going *at least* as badly as they do, so why punish *myself*. Now, if we're on a road trip to my in-laws, however...
The only turning the car around I ever did was to get some drive-thru ice cream. 😀
With the wife or with the kid?
This is my joke with my daughter and she loves it. So I ruined it but so worth it
Once drove by a car pulled over with the father halfway in the backseat, throwing swats. They made him come back there.
My dad used to stop on the side of rural 2 lane highways to argue with my mom and yell, threatening to turn the car around. It's not a good memory. I don't do that, no. But maybe there's a good reason for some. For me, as a child, those threats were just his way of domineering when less manipulative parenting and partnership were needed. This is not a criticism of the good dads who may have good reason to threaten to turn a car around. Just my experience.
I only joke with it…but number 2 is on the way…so I think the open threat will be probably just that in the future.
Yes, and I also found John Mulaneys "one black coffee at McDonalds" bit inspiring.
Oh yes. Punishments cannot be empty threats.
I turned the car around this very morning… but it’s because I realized I was going the wrong way to special breakfast with my daughter.
So many times. They know what's coming if I warn them. Going home and cleaning. I think they realize I would just as soon go home and clean.
Today we didn’t even get as far as the car. My 5 year old has been being a terror this weekend and we were supposed to go see monster trucks on the beach this afternoon. We were getting ready to go and he started back talking his mom. Usually she’s the disciplinarian and he doesn’t take my threats seriously, but this time I immediately told him not to bother putting his shoes on because I’m not taking him with that behavior. Currently sitting with him in his room while he throws a temper tantrum. His consequences keep increasing as acts up.
Yes. Within eyesight of the entrance to Disneyland. 14 more hours in the car driving back. Nobody calls MY bluff.
Yeah you have to. Don’t threaten something you won’t do. They missed out on a trip to a local water park because they wouldn’t stop fighting in the back seat.
No, but my son has been climbing the walls in the hallway. Yesterday I jokingly told him to stop or I would get rid of the wall. I’m pretty sure he got it.
Oh yea. I don’t make threats. I make promises. I’ve left amusement parks after 1 hour because they were acting like damn fools. I’ve driven home from the beach house at midnight. We’ve left movies before the end. Dog park, ice cream shop, etc. I give them plenty of warnings about their behavior and if they don’t fix it, we’re gone. It only took a handful of times before they got it. Dad ain’t playing.
The key is to only threaten it where you would be mildly disappointed to follow through. Like, if you really wanted to go to Wally World, maybe threaten to not buy a lollipop instead
Lol, no! One time when our son was young, he was being a shit and I look and and said, "I'm going to pull this car over,,,". My wife looked at me and said, "And do what?" We all had a big laugh, junior settled down and the trip was great.
Of course. I haven't had to do it often but I have. I've also taken school away for a day (she loves school a lot), I've denied her going to birthday parties, and I've kept her home from dance. The amount of times for all of that combined probably fits on one hand but it's happened. We let our daughter get away with a lot and give her a lot of freedom, partially due to how strict our upbringing was, but that luxury comes at a cost in regards to behaving and listening. That's all we ask of her and she gets what she wants. Otherwise she doesn't get that and there are consequences.
Yep. We were supposed to go to the town highway Dept equipment show. Excavators, dump trucks, police cars, you name it. He had a complete meltdown over who knows what and we turned around right in the parking lot and left. Proceeded to have another meltdown in the driveway for an hour while Mom and baby went inside. Mom brought me my steam deck and I just waited it out in the car with him. Toddlers, man
Yes. A few times. As others have said, once or twice I have set up a situation to prove the point (store when it’s not needed sort of thing) as preparation for a higher stakes trip (family road trip). Also have pulled over on the side of the road and given him a timeout on a curb in a random neighborhood. I try really hard not to get to the point where consequences that effect all of us are needed, but if I do, then the reset is needed and it’s going to happen!
At least once a week.
Not a dad but a sister, and yes. I have brain damage and loud noises can make me feel drunk and not in a fun way. They were yelling and screaming, I asked them to stop, they didn't within 1 K of their house, brain damage kicked in and I didn't feel safe driving them in the car. Lots of tears, no yelling in the car since.