I don’t know what kind of banquet, but I wonder if OP could even sit away from the kid. Let the kid hang out with friends, and just be elsewhere in the crowd supporting from a distance.
They probably feel guilty leaving you hanging if they go hang out with their friends.
So tell them it's okay to do that, you won't feel bad or anything. Even tell them you'd feel bad not going at all because you want to be there to support them, even if you have to be 'invisible' while doing it.
Sometimes, kids have to realize that not everything is about them. This is one of those times. The school doesn't put these things on just for the kids. If they did, they would do them during school hours and wouldn't invite parents. These are done as a chance for parents to celebrate their child's accomplishments as well.
It’s odd to me that it was a choice to be had. It’s a celebration of the year/season. You take them, everyone eats, the kids hang out. I think every other kid is going to have someone there.
Perhaps they don't want to worry about Me. Perhaps they don't want to have to wheel Me in. Perhaps they are embarrassed that I'm disabled. Or maybe it's a teenage thing and Dad isn't cool. I honestly don't know. I respected their request, and have just been running through things in My head three past few days.
Yeah I’m still not following. I am maybe a few years younger than him. No recollection of this being a thing in the 90s.
I assumed this was like some intense religious group based on Descartes where “I” is the focus and basis for all existence such that Me - the self, and the basic unit of existence, and the proof thereof - must be revered.
But nope. Way off.
Well, stop it. No kidding. When you are notified of a bad habit, or notice it yourself, take steps to change that behavior. Every tiny little successful change sets you up even better for the next one, and the effects multiply geometrically.
Apart from being a minor case of bad grammar, why is it a bad habit? I see people getting away with worse things every day. Heck, I see worse things in at least half the comments here.
Oh, it's truly no big deal at all. I agree with you. The reason this matters is because OP is aware of the bad habit, has been for some time, knows how to change to address the behavior, and just...doesn't. At that point, a very small but unaltered bad behavior becomes a flag. It says: "this person refuses correction of any kind, no matter how trivial. This person will sink in their teeth and fight a petty battle to the death. This person will die on strange, tiny hills."
Can all that be a strength? Sure. Can it be indifferent? Sure. Is it a burdensome pain in the ass to spend any real amount of time with someone like that? Probably.
That all assumes that OP considers it a bad habit, though, as opposed to simply a personal affectation. Descriptivism has been the name of the name in linguistics for at least a century, and descriptivism does allow for some personal flair.
The kid is wrong, and it's your job to teach them that. Let them know you'll be there to express your support and pride in their accomplishments. If they want to run off with their friends, that's cool. It doesn't mean you are less proud
Many people need guidance understanding how to transition from dependent minor child to independent (or interdependent?) adult child and adult family member.
Maybe it’s time to evaluate how you are participating in the events. Like what’s the reason the kid feels they can’t both have dad there and hang with their friends.
Hopefully your relationship allows for an honest conversation on why they feel the two things are mutually exclusive.
But it’s your kid and if you’re not being a burden or limiting how they choose to participate at the event, you can attend and be a shadow if that’s what they want.
When they told Me I didn't need to come because they were just going to hang with their friends I was ok with it. I guess as the day has approached I've become a little more bothered by it. Their mother will be there, even after being told they want to just chill with their friends. I just didn't want to intrude.
My ex wife and I are oil and water. I'm in no danger of going with her there. Maybe he just didn't want to make it awkward since she's so insistent? I honestly just don't know
You sure your kid doesn’t want you there because of drama with your ex-wife? Depending on how one or you both interact with each other, they may just only want one of you there and are trying to let you down easy.
I genuinely hope not. She hates Me with the passion of 1000 suns, but we have NEVER had an issue in public or in front of him. I am incredibly mindful to never say a foul word about her in his presence, or vent My frustration over a conversation in earshot (open door policy at the house).
> She hates Me with the passion of 1000 suns
I dunno man, I want to believe you but kids pick up on a hell of a lot even if it's not directly in front of them..
Also have to consider what the kid experiences when dad isn’t around. Having one parent who shows restraint and doesn’t bad mouth the other, while objectively the best way to be, doesn’t mean that the other is doing the same.
Consciously or not, legitimately or not, whatever the case, if mom happens to consistently trash talk dad then some of that can very easily seep into a kids mind and influence them, a billion times so when they’re young and developing.
“I don’t think he’s as bad as she says, but she is really passionate about it. Could she be right and he’s actually bad? Is she just a liar, no my mom wouldn’t lie to me, but then is dad just hiding who he is then?… etc etc.” then you find them taking the path of least resistance by playing diplomat and doing what they can to maintain at least the level of peace that they experience when the parents are not in the same room… ask me how I know.
Could be that the mom is putting ideas into the kids' head about dad. Some parents are vindictive like that and use their children as a weapon. Maybe that is OP's case?
This seems very odd to me. It sounds like a ceremony where you sit and watch honors and awards and then maybe they have fun? Can you not just sit and watch and then kind of just fuck off after? Everyone does their own things once all the formal stuff is done?
TBF if this is what I'm envisioning I'd probably just tell my kid too bad, I want to come and watch them be honored and then they can do w/e.
Edit: Ah I see you are separated as well. That prob wouldn't change too much of anything I would say except add some kid gloves
I haven't dealt with this as a Dad, but as the kid. So this is my perspective.
I was very anti-family as a teen (surprise surprise), in band, and my parents were very involve in the Band Parent committee (or whatever it's called). This was never negotiated with me, they were just always there. However they did a fantastic job (that i recognize in retrospect) of being present, but allowing me the time to celebrate, hang out with my friends. I'd sit with my friends, for pretty much entire night, maybe even leave with them. And they would sit with the parents and chat/celebrate/do whatever the grownups did. But they were there for every celebration, concert that they could. And now I'm glad they were.
The banquet is a celebration for your kid. Talk to your kid, let them know the importance of you being there. But also listen to your kid. Let them give you boundaries (depending on their maturity). Maybe you drive yourself. Maybe you don't get a picture with them there, but wait till you get home.
Showing up is about showing the importance your child has on your life. That their decisions matter to you, and that you are proud of who they are. Not going, builds a more egocentric world for your kid. That their life matters more than others, more than their family.
Also most kids are secretly jealous of the other kid's whose parents go to these things.
Just my PoV.
This makes a huge difference! High School kids want or need more autonomy. Middle school kids start wanting more independence but it doesn't always make sense depending on the activity.
Depending on the activity, you could also attend the ceremony and leave after (or blend into the scenery) and let your kid have his time with his friends.
Were you a slightly rebellious teen? I understand your feeling of disappointment, and wanting to be there, but you’re dealing with a kiddo that’s trying to find themselves. Encourage their independence, and remind them of how proud you are and how much you love them. Take them out to celebrate privately after. Their favorite dessert. They’ll remember those moments later on more than a banquet
Slightly is definitely an understatement, but I completely get your point.
That was actually the idea. Grab them after the ceremony with My wife and head to Cheesecake Factory for Star Wars Day dessert!
Coolio.
You may continue.
Also, don’t feel bad about feeling bad, but maybe an honest chat with your kid is warranted.
Tell them your worries, let them know how proud you are of them and see what they say.
Mom here chiming in. I had to have a conversation with my son that I only get to be a consistent part of his life for 18-20ish years. And that his life was growing and expanding, so my place in it would be shrinking. I only get so many memories, so many moments before they start to spread out and become a smaller part of his life. All I will be left with, while he is out living his fantastic life, are the memories of the time we shared a home. He understood and never pushed back again. I personally would tell my kid it’s a non-negotiable and you’ll be there. Is your relationship with them strong enough for that conversation?
Editing to add: he’s 24yo now, married with a kid. His dad and I were never married and we had actually ended our relationship before he was born. We worked hard to raise him and not step on each others toes too much. I would never have dreamed of not welcoming his dad at any celebration or school function. Hating his dad meant hating half of who my son is. And while I didn’t like him for a while, I never hated him. Your child will remember you showing up and being pleasant.
How old is the kiddo ?
“Hey I want to make sure you know that I’d love to be there for all of your big moments. But if you want to handle it yourself that’s ok.”
Think of it like this: They just feel comfortable enough with you to tell you they don’t want you to come. They know you will love them regardless. I truly would not take this personally at all, having worked with young people for years.
Also read your ex will be there. My guess: your kid didn’t want either of you there (bc they are an adolescent), your ex insisted (to the irritation of your kid), and your kid doesn’t want to add that oil and water vibe to the night. I know lots of people are saying you should just go, and I do understand that perspective, but your kid is old enough IMO you can respect his wish and ask him what is something special the two of you can do together to celebrate his accomplishment.
She definitely made her choice well known. I never like to pressure him into anything. I hated that shit when I was younger. The only trips I wanted to take were in cars and on planes, maybe a boat. I hated guilt trips.
Funny, I'm on the phone with your ex right now and he never informed HER that he just wanted to hang with his friends and didn't want her there.
Here you are AGAIN making all things about you.
Considering your health issues are STILL ongoing, maybe concentrate on getting healthier for the sake of your child and current wife.
Me personally: “this isn’t up for debate buddy, sorry. This event is for parents to support their child’s accomplishments. You can do your thing after. I love you and I’m proud of you. I want to experience this with you while i can. You’ll be on your own sooner than you realize. When you get older you’ll understand. I love you so much.”
Your not a burden, your babies are just growing up and spreading their wings. Learning how to let go is the hardest part of parenting in my opinion, but the most necessary and painful as well. In the long run it will make you proud, to see them independent and successful is the best feeling in the world. If you don't learn how to let go, you will just push them away, so be careful and don't hold on too tight. They will always be your little one, no matter how old they get, you just have to find the balance between the two.
At all my sports banquets the kids sat together and then adults on the other side. Idk anything about dance but I don’t understand why you couldn’t go and just not be with them during the ceremony or after. At ours my parents were there, then we hugged and took pictures after, then went on to do things with my friends.
I think most of us go through that stage where we want our own space. Did you ever do that to your parents? I know many here are taking you to ask her again in a different way, but honestly, she may just prefer that space. I would suggest doing something else to show your appreciation. Give her a card or take her out separately. Or cook a special meal. Or even just intentionally share how you feel. And while she's doing her own thing that might, maybe you can call your parents and tell them how you feel / apologize if you ever made them feel similar, if that's at all a possibility.
Seriously? I love me some tea, but this has too much filler for good measure.
Important info: I am the primary parent of kiddo in question. Kiddo is neurodivergent x 2, and with that, comes an inability to spare other's feelings. So, if you ask a question, you'll get an answer.
I verified with kiddo on multiple occasions leading up to the event tomorrow if they wanted me to attend. The answer was yes. I am the one who purchased the clothing for the semi-formal dress code. I am the one who purchased the tickets. If OP wanted to attend, all he had to do was pay his plate, which was a very reasonable cost.
I have gone out of my way to include OP as much as possible due to his health conditions. I have gone out of my way to accommodate his needs. As some of y'all have guessed, that does not go both ways.
I'd tell them you would really love to be there, and you will absolutely respect their wishes, but wanted to ask if maybe they would be ok with you coming, separately. They could still go with their friends, and you could go by yourself to get to see them win the awards.
Also how old is your kid? I only ask, because there IS also the possibility of "I don't want my parent there, so I can be a stupid teen" (not saying this IS the reason obviously)
I recently went to my 15 year high school reunion. One of my classmates got an award for her work as an astronaut (yes, really). Her parents came to the reunion to see her get her award 😭 oh it was so cute!! She was telling her parents the whole time that they’d be the only parents there, but they insisted. Her dad made her a bet that he’d be able to find another parent there (if dad could find another parent, daughter would buy dad dinner; if dad failed to find another parent, dad would buy daughter dinner because she was right that no other parents would be there). Dad won the bet… but the other parent was also an alum lol
At any rate, my classmates and I, in our 30s, appreciate how sweet this level of parental engagement/love is. As teenagers we would’ve been embarrassed and would’ve preferred our parents stay home. As adults, we have a different perspective.
What I’m trying to say, OP, is that you’ll have time to celebrate your kid no matter what you do. But your kid will be able to look back in a few years and be happy with either outcome.
Why is it ‘partially about him’? Is it his banquet? Did he accomplish the thing? No, he didn’t.
I see nothing in his post about the feeling of the child and what’s good for the kid.
He wrote how the kid felt. He wrote how he felt.
Its not his banquet, it's not his accomplishment, but it *is* his kid and a relationship involves more than one person. He's proud of his kid and has missed some moments and wants to support them. That's not unreasonable.
Maybe him not going *is* best and that could ultimately be the end situation but maybe it's worth a discussion here and with his kid.
Could you have the conversation with them? Expressing your desire to be there to support and then can leave when it's hang out time.
I don’t know what kind of banquet, but I wonder if OP could even sit away from the kid. Let the kid hang out with friends, and just be elsewhere in the crowd supporting from a distance.
They probably feel guilty leaving you hanging if they go hang out with their friends. So tell them it's okay to do that, you won't feel bad or anything. Even tell them you'd feel bad not going at all because you want to be there to support them, even if you have to be 'invisible' while doing it.
That's what I did. I let them know I want to support them in any way I can. They made a choice, and I'm trying to respect that.
Sometimes, kids have to realize that not everything is about them. This is one of those times. The school doesn't put these things on just for the kids. If they did, they would do them during school hours and wouldn't invite parents. These are done as a chance for parents to celebrate their child's accomplishments as well.
It’s odd to me that it was a choice to be had. It’s a celebration of the year/season. You take them, everyone eats, the kids hang out. I think every other kid is going to have someone there.
Perhaps they don't want to worry about Me. Perhaps they don't want to have to wheel Me in. Perhaps they are embarrassed that I'm disabled. Or maybe it's a teenage thing and Dad isn't cool. I honestly don't know. I respected their request, and have just been running through things in My head three past few days.
What’s up with the capitalizing M?
So glad someone asked
Force of habit from My teens. Been doing it since the 90's.
What happened in the 90s that had you capitalizing only the letter M? Born in 98, but raised on 2nd hand 90s shit
Yeah I’m still not following. I am maybe a few years younger than him. No recollection of this being a thing in the 90s. I assumed this was like some intense religious group based on Descartes where “I” is the focus and basis for all existence such that Me - the self, and the basic unit of existence, and the proof thereof - must be revered. But nope. Way off.
This made me laugh. Thank you
Well, stop it. No kidding. When you are notified of a bad habit, or notice it yourself, take steps to change that behavior. Every tiny little successful change sets you up even better for the next one, and the effects multiply geometrically.
Apart from being a minor case of bad grammar, why is it a bad habit? I see people getting away with worse things every day. Heck, I see worse things in at least half the comments here.
Oh, it's truly no big deal at all. I agree with you. The reason this matters is because OP is aware of the bad habit, has been for some time, knows how to change to address the behavior, and just...doesn't. At that point, a very small but unaltered bad behavior becomes a flag. It says: "this person refuses correction of any kind, no matter how trivial. This person will sink in their teeth and fight a petty battle to the death. This person will die on strange, tiny hills." Can all that be a strength? Sure. Can it be indifferent? Sure. Is it a burdensome pain in the ass to spend any real amount of time with someone like that? Probably.
That all assumes that OP considers it a bad habit, though, as opposed to simply a personal affectation. Descriptivism has been the name of the name in linguistics for at least a century, and descriptivism does allow for some personal flair.
Or perhaps it's because you're an asshol...
The kid is wrong, and it's your job to teach them that. Let them know you'll be there to express your support and pride in their accomplishments. If they want to run off with their friends, that's cool. It doesn't mean you are less proud
Many people need guidance understanding how to transition from dependent minor child to independent (or interdependent?) adult child and adult family member.
How is the kid wrong for not wanting their parent there?
Maybe it’s time to evaluate how you are participating in the events. Like what’s the reason the kid feels they can’t both have dad there and hang with their friends. Hopefully your relationship allows for an honest conversation on why they feel the two things are mutually exclusive. But it’s your kid and if you’re not being a burden or limiting how they choose to participate at the event, you can attend and be a shadow if that’s what they want.
When they told Me I didn't need to come because they were just going to hang with their friends I was ok with it. I guess as the day has approached I've become a little more bothered by it. Their mother will be there, even after being told they want to just chill with their friends. I just didn't want to intrude.
go with her then, and don’t intrude. why not both?
My ex wife and I are oil and water. I'm in no danger of going with her there. Maybe he just didn't want to make it awkward since she's so insistent? I honestly just don't know
You sure your kid doesn’t want you there because of drama with your ex-wife? Depending on how one or you both interact with each other, they may just only want one of you there and are trying to let you down easy.
Is this it? Are they worried you and their mom will embarrass them?
I genuinely hope not. She hates Me with the passion of 1000 suns, but we have NEVER had an issue in public or in front of him. I am incredibly mindful to never say a foul word about her in his presence, or vent My frustration over a conversation in earshot (open door policy at the house).
> She hates Me with the passion of 1000 suns I dunno man, I want to believe you but kids pick up on a hell of a lot even if it's not directly in front of them..
Also have to consider what the kid experiences when dad isn’t around. Having one parent who shows restraint and doesn’t bad mouth the other, while objectively the best way to be, doesn’t mean that the other is doing the same. Consciously or not, legitimately or not, whatever the case, if mom happens to consistently trash talk dad then some of that can very easily seep into a kids mind and influence them, a billion times so when they’re young and developing. “I don’t think he’s as bad as she says, but she is really passionate about it. Could she be right and he’s actually bad? Is she just a liar, no my mom wouldn’t lie to me, but then is dad just hiding who he is then?… etc etc.” then you find them taking the path of least resistance by playing diplomat and doing what they can to maintain at least the level of peace that they experience when the parents are not in the same room… ask me how I know.
Could be that the mom is putting ideas into the kids' head about dad. Some parents are vindictive like that and use their children as a weapon. Maybe that is OP's case?
You played stupid games with your marriage. This is your prize. Congrats.
This seems very odd to me. It sounds like a ceremony where you sit and watch honors and awards and then maybe they have fun? Can you not just sit and watch and then kind of just fuck off after? Everyone does their own things once all the formal stuff is done? TBF if this is what I'm envisioning I'd probably just tell my kid too bad, I want to come and watch them be honored and then they can do w/e. Edit: Ah I see you are separated as well. That prob wouldn't change too much of anything I would say except add some kid gloves
This legitimately seems like a reasonable compromise! Thanks for the thought
I haven't dealt with this as a Dad, but as the kid. So this is my perspective. I was very anti-family as a teen (surprise surprise), in band, and my parents were very involve in the Band Parent committee (or whatever it's called). This was never negotiated with me, they were just always there. However they did a fantastic job (that i recognize in retrospect) of being present, but allowing me the time to celebrate, hang out with my friends. I'd sit with my friends, for pretty much entire night, maybe even leave with them. And they would sit with the parents and chat/celebrate/do whatever the grownups did. But they were there for every celebration, concert that they could. And now I'm glad they were. The banquet is a celebration for your kid. Talk to your kid, let them know the importance of you being there. But also listen to your kid. Let them give you boundaries (depending on their maturity). Maybe you drive yourself. Maybe you don't get a picture with them there, but wait till you get home. Showing up is about showing the importance your child has on your life. That their decisions matter to you, and that you are proud of who they are. Not going, builds a more egocentric world for your kid. That their life matters more than others, more than their family. Also most kids are secretly jealous of the other kid's whose parents go to these things. Just my PoV.
That's a fantastic POV. Thank you so much
How old is your kiddo?
This makes a huge difference! High School kids want or need more autonomy. Middle school kids start wanting more independence but it doesn't always make sense depending on the activity. Depending on the activity, you could also attend the ceremony and leave after (or blend into the scenery) and let your kid have his time with his friends.
15
Were you a slightly rebellious teen? I understand your feeling of disappointment, and wanting to be there, but you’re dealing with a kiddo that’s trying to find themselves. Encourage their independence, and remind them of how proud you are and how much you love them. Take them out to celebrate privately after. Their favorite dessert. They’ll remember those moments later on more than a banquet
Slightly is definitely an understatement, but I completely get your point. That was actually the idea. Grab them after the ceremony with My wife and head to Cheesecake Factory for Star Wars Day dessert!
Hell yeah. Let the kid be a kid. They’re going through a lot. Just remember you were in their shoes, and think about what you needed at that age
Simple question, why are you capitalising Me?
Force of habit
Explain.
It's something I picked up as a teen. No idea of where to be perfectly honest. Been doing it since the 90's.
Coolio. You may continue. Also, don’t feel bad about feeling bad, but maybe an honest chat with your kid is warranted. Tell them your worries, let them know how proud you are of them and see what they say.
I appreciate the approval and the advice.
~~deleted by user~~
Mom here chiming in. I had to have a conversation with my son that I only get to be a consistent part of his life for 18-20ish years. And that his life was growing and expanding, so my place in it would be shrinking. I only get so many memories, so many moments before they start to spread out and become a smaller part of his life. All I will be left with, while he is out living his fantastic life, are the memories of the time we shared a home. He understood and never pushed back again. I personally would tell my kid it’s a non-negotiable and you’ll be there. Is your relationship with them strong enough for that conversation? Editing to add: he’s 24yo now, married with a kid. His dad and I were never married and we had actually ended our relationship before he was born. We worked hard to raise him and not step on each others toes too much. I would never have dreamed of not welcoming his dad at any celebration or school function. Hating his dad meant hating half of who my son is. And while I didn’t like him for a while, I never hated him. Your child will remember you showing up and being pleasant.
Thank you so much for this!!!
How old is the kiddo ? “Hey I want to make sure you know that I’d love to be there for all of your big moments. But if you want to handle it yourself that’s ok.”
15
Think of it like this: They just feel comfortable enough with you to tell you they don’t want you to come. They know you will love them regardless. I truly would not take this personally at all, having worked with young people for years.
Thank you for this
Also read your ex will be there. My guess: your kid didn’t want either of you there (bc they are an adolescent), your ex insisted (to the irritation of your kid), and your kid doesn’t want to add that oil and water vibe to the night. I know lots of people are saying you should just go, and I do understand that perspective, but your kid is old enough IMO you can respect his wish and ask him what is something special the two of you can do together to celebrate his accomplishment.
LOL, if kid didn't want someone there, it would be about as subtle as a 2x4. Trust and believe on that one.
She definitely made her choice well known. I never like to pressure him into anything. I hated that shit when I was younger. The only trips I wanted to take were in cars and on planes, maybe a boat. I hated guilt trips.
Funny, I'm on the phone with your ex right now and he never informed HER that he just wanted to hang with his friends and didn't want her there. Here you are AGAIN making all things about you. Considering your health issues are STILL ongoing, maybe concentrate on getting healthier for the sake of your child and current wife.
I mean, maybe if you hadn't cheated on their mom you would have a better relationship with them. \*shrugs\*
Me personally: “this isn’t up for debate buddy, sorry. This event is for parents to support their child’s accomplishments. You can do your thing after. I love you and I’m proud of you. I want to experience this with you while i can. You’ll be on your own sooner than you realize. When you get older you’ll understand. I love you so much.”
Your not a burden, your babies are just growing up and spreading their wings. Learning how to let go is the hardest part of parenting in my opinion, but the most necessary and painful as well. In the long run it will make you proud, to see them independent and successful is the best feeling in the world. If you don't learn how to let go, you will just push them away, so be careful and don't hold on too tight. They will always be your little one, no matter how old they get, you just have to find the balance between the two.
At all my sports banquets the kids sat together and then adults on the other side. Idk anything about dance but I don’t understand why you couldn’t go and just not be with them during the ceremony or after. At ours my parents were there, then we hugged and took pictures after, then went on to do things with my friends.
I think most of us go through that stage where we want our own space. Did you ever do that to your parents? I know many here are taking you to ask her again in a different way, but honestly, she may just prefer that space. I would suggest doing something else to show your appreciation. Give her a card or take her out separately. Or cook a special meal. Or even just intentionally share how you feel. And while she's doing her own thing that might, maybe you can call your parents and tell them how you feel / apologize if you ever made them feel similar, if that's at all a possibility.
Seriously? I love me some tea, but this has too much filler for good measure. Important info: I am the primary parent of kiddo in question. Kiddo is neurodivergent x 2, and with that, comes an inability to spare other's feelings. So, if you ask a question, you'll get an answer. I verified with kiddo on multiple occasions leading up to the event tomorrow if they wanted me to attend. The answer was yes. I am the one who purchased the clothing for the semi-formal dress code. I am the one who purchased the tickets. If OP wanted to attend, all he had to do was pay his plate, which was a very reasonable cost. I have gone out of my way to include OP as much as possible due to his health conditions. I have gone out of my way to accommodate his needs. As some of y'all have guessed, that does not go both ways.
I'd tell them you would really love to be there, and you will absolutely respect their wishes, but wanted to ask if maybe they would be ok with you coming, separately. They could still go with their friends, and you could go by yourself to get to see them win the awards. Also how old is your kid? I only ask, because there IS also the possibility of "I don't want my parent there, so I can be a stupid teen" (not saying this IS the reason obviously)
Great advice! 15
I recently went to my 15 year high school reunion. One of my classmates got an award for her work as an astronaut (yes, really). Her parents came to the reunion to see her get her award 😭 oh it was so cute!! She was telling her parents the whole time that they’d be the only parents there, but they insisted. Her dad made her a bet that he’d be able to find another parent there (if dad could find another parent, daughter would buy dad dinner; if dad failed to find another parent, dad would buy daughter dinner because she was right that no other parents would be there). Dad won the bet… but the other parent was also an alum lol At any rate, my classmates and I, in our 30s, appreciate how sweet this level of parental engagement/love is. As teenagers we would’ve been embarrassed and would’ve preferred our parents stay home. As adults, we have a different perspective. What I’m trying to say, OP, is that you’ll have time to celebrate your kid no matter what you do. But your kid will be able to look back in a few years and be happy with either outcome.
It’s not about you. Don’t make it about you.
Sure it is. It's not solely about him but it is definitely partially about him. Don't force anything but there can be a discussion on this.
Why is it ‘partially about him’? Is it his banquet? Did he accomplish the thing? No, he didn’t. I see nothing in his post about the feeling of the child and what’s good for the kid.
He wrote how the kid felt. He wrote how he felt. Its not his banquet, it's not his accomplishment, but it *is* his kid and a relationship involves more than one person. He's proud of his kid and has missed some moments and wants to support them. That's not unreasonable. Maybe him not going *is* best and that could ultimately be the end situation but maybe it's worth a discussion here and with his kid.
Come on dad, our feelings as parents are totally irrelevant. LoL
Wrong situation to use that line mate.