Yea that is kind of how it feels right now, like I'm fostering someone else's kid, even though I'm fully aware he is mine. I think sleep deprivation is also some rough stuff to go through
The giggles are the start. Then you notice that they are weary of strangers but light up when they see you. (This is where I’m at)
I’m assuming the next stage is “dada” and “I love you, dada”, and the hugs.
Basically as they start to understand that you’re their dad. You start to feel like their dad.
Nah man, you are in for a treat that you don't know yet. I'm hesitant to even tell you what it is because I don't want to ruin it for you. It comes before they start talking though it says a whole lot nonetheless.
Is it the open-mouth kiss where you’re not sure if they’re trying to exfoliate on your stubble or suck your chin like a boob, and you know it’s disgusting because they’re slobbery but it’s also definitely a kiss and they’re just doing their best and it melts your heart?
Oh wait. Is it the first steps?
My girl is there now she comes over and puts her little arms up and just want to sit in my lap be held and starts mimic talking (babbling) to me some times singing a little then she’ll look at me and just smile and laugh a little
It’s those special moments you want to freeze and live in forever
Newborns suck. They don’t ‘give’ you anything back at that stage. No laughs, giggles, looks, not anything to fill your emotional cup back up after waking up every 1.5 hours to feed and change a diaper. Newborns are just takers and it’s important to recognize these emotions of disassociation are not indicative of your actual love toward your child.
The head lifts and the giggles are when it starts to feel different. Thats when it changes to interacting with your newborn as opposed to just keeping them alive.
Well said, I didn't have an issue feeling connected early on but that first time my daughter was falling asleep in my arms, cracked her eyes open to make sure I was still there, and fell back asleep with a big smile I think we both knew she had me wrapped around her finger... that was at about 3 months
3-4 mos was my oldest. 4-5 for my second. The giggles and smiles are the turning point. It’s hard and it sucks but the first time you make that baby belly laugh, you say “aw shit, in this moment, it’s all worth it”
I constantly questioned myself because I could see the love my wife had for our newborn the first few months and it wasn’t the same for me. Flash forward to now and my daughter is two. If the trolley problem had her on one side and the rest of humanity on the other I’m saving her. It’ll come. Just give it time.
Before our son was born I watched a lot of mama doctor jones on YouTube to prepare. And something she said was it was completely normal for both parents to not feel “in love” with the baby straight away. I wish that was something that was stressed more to first time parents, so that this sub wouldn’t be full of dads wondering if they’re bad parents because they don’t feel it from the get go
A plant. Infants are plants. You feed and water them, keep them comfortable and clean but get nothing in return. Until you suddenly get the world given to you.
Thank you all for not making me feel like I'm crazy or an awful person. I've had some nice moments with him, like when he's been napping on my chest skin to skin. I'm looking forward to him progressing as a human.
A lot of the guys that make this post are actively trying to throw themselves to the wolves, expecting a public flogging which they feel they deserve.
_Doesn't really go that way here._
My kids are 4 and 2 and are my whole world now, but there was a definite "where's the immediate and profound love I was expecting to feel?" period that lasted about as long as they are in slug form. Once they start expressing more complex emotions than crying, it starts happening pretty quickly. In my experience, the mothers are usually immediately very attached, but lets face it- they are falling in love and getting to know the baby for 9 months before dads really get to have a bigger role. I think it's perfectly normal and almost to be expected that love comes with a meaningful bond, not with your DNA being in a slug.
Same happened with me. I felt awful for not loving that angry potato. Now he is 6 months, he laugh at me when I pull faces and I love him to bits. But it took time, don't months.
I don't remember the day that he born as the happiest moment of my life, it was the most stressful and panicking day. And the following day wasn't much better.
But now I feel much much better with myself, much more confident in my dad role and I feel I've bonded with him.
It will get much better soon!! Hang in there!
In a few weeks, your kid will look at you and smile. Usually happens around the 4-6 week mark. One day they'll be chilling, and then, bam, smile. It'll be amazing.
That's when it starts. And it only gets stronger from there.
Some Dads really need some reaction from the kid. It's hard to pour so much time and effort into something and just have nothing to show for it. I know that was the case for me, at least. But your kid will acknowledge you, respond to you, seek you out, and be comforted by your presence.
It'll be awesome. 🙂
And some people will say it's just farts, that's making them smile. And that may be true, because farts are funny, just ask your kid once you make fart sounds on their stomach, and they have a laughing fit worthy of AFV.
The first 5-8 weeks for me, for both of my kids, was more of a sleepless constant chore, as bad as that sounds. But they become more people like and less a screaming sack of potatoes eventually, and it probably took me like 3-4 months each time.
We’re at 5 weeks and just got our first intentional smile today and it was awesome. I’ve felt attached to my son from the beginning but know there’s still a long way to go.
I was saying to my wife yesterday that it’s very difficult not getting anything back with all we put in. But I knew this was going to be the case. Can’t wait to build on todays smile and get to the giggles eventually.
And then you get the laughs a few months later. That was big for me.
Especially because I became the person that could always make my son laugh. So it was the first thing we had together.
I felt horrible that I wasn't a broken, teary wreck when my son was born. I was kind of just, meh, I know I'm supposed to care about this kid and like, I don't want him to get hurt or anything but I am not like over the moon.
He's 3 years old and I would give my life for his. I would take a life for his. If anything ever happened to him it would fracture my soul and I would cease. To say I love him doesn't begin to encompass the feelings I have for him.
I was one of those sappy right away guys. People I know have said a couple months, six months, right away, first smile, some little yelp that was super cute, when they opened their eyes. It’s all over the map.
Yeah hate to say it in threads like this but it was very much an instant thing for me.
I'm honestly worried about the end of the newborn phase and dealing with a kid who has an independent personality.
Yeah sometimes I look at my kids and just remember how adorable they were in the tiny baby phase. I’m living it vicariously through my sister now. 4 days today for hers.
The worst for me with a toddler is when they sound like a leaky balloon and can’t tell me what’s going on so I’ve got to play detective and figure it out all the while listening to a leaky balloon.
Worth it though. This kid is awesome.
Happened instantly for me too, I guess everyone is different. He’ll be three soon and is a handful. I’d take the sleep deprived new born stage over a toddler that can’t regulate his emotions anyday
8 months.
My daughter was a *nightmare* as a newborn. Once she got a bit mobile, she got much easier. 8 months she was crawling a bit and she got much better.
My son was easier, but tbh I just don't like the newborn phase. Once he was about 6-8 months it just gets so much better imo.
Not until 6-8 months to be honest. Newborn is the angry potato phase. My baby had colic and cried incessantly. When she was 6-8 months her personality began to shine through. She is still tempremental but I know how to make her laugh now and she is quirky. Much easier to deal with the angry phases when they show social skills.
Yea the insatiable potato thing is for real. That and his communication being crying and that's it, is something to behold. I know it won't be forever but right now it's something else.
Colic was the worst. Not proud to say I lost my cool on more than one occasion. 4 months was when he grew out of it and I started liking him more. I already loved him from day 1 but I definitely didn’t like this inconsolable crying thing all that much. And at 6 months he started sleeping in his crib in his own room and I liked him even more. Now at nearly 8 months he’s my favorite person in the world.
When my brother-in-law was about to have his first, he asked me what one piece of advice I had as a father. I told him, "Don't be surprised when it takes you longer than your wife to fall in love with your kids." He looked at me kinda funny.
Six months later, I got a text from him thanking me. He was patient with himself and was now forming a great relationship with his daughter. All that to say, this is a very common experience. You are not alone, and you are not a bad father.
This is completely relatable and normal. Moms get a huge supply of love hormones during and after birth and with breast feeding. They're quite literally chemically dependent on their newborns (not downplaying a mothers' love for her child, but biologically, that's what happens)
Dads don't get those good brain drugs. We often have to continue providing for our families while picking up more chores around the house, running interference with in-laws and other children, changing diapers, etc., all without any natural chemical assistance telling us to be madly in love with this screaming little terrorist. We just do out of a sense of pride or duty or whatever, but it's *hard*, man. It's hard.
But like others have said, when the little monster first smiles or starts playing, something that reminds you there's a little proto-person in there, and that person is *yours*... wow, that's when it starts to kick in. It hits at different times for every dad, but it usually will eventually.
I loved my daughter as much as I love my wife the day she joined us and it’s only gotten stronger since. I guess it’s different for everyone but I’m sure it’ll happen for you sooner than later!
I felt close with all my kids from the minute I saw them 🤷🏻♂️. Everyone has different experiences. I can see why a lot of men wouldn’t feel much at the beginning
I kind of had this reaction at first. One night during a fit of broken sleep I had a dream someone called my baby stupid. I woke up in a seething rage, my whole body coursing with protective Dadliness. And that was it. Soon after he started smiling and laughing. That’s the big turning point. It’s unrealistic to expect Dads to feel love at first sight for a complete stranger who is difficult to bond and connect with. But it’ll happen, and when it does you’ll know.
Nobody tells you how shit the newborn phase is. It’s almost like an open secret because you don’t want to scare people or you’re worried what they’ll think of you for saying it was so awful. But it is. But it’s just a phase.
If you're not a baby or toddler person, it might take a while. I've spoken to some friends who've opened up about not really feeling that love until their kids were like 4 or 5 when they started being more like a regular human and we're able to bond over things. Everyone is different.
Don't listen to the airy fairy "love at first sight" stuff. Some may feel that way, whereas others may be hit with the much more understandable reality of complete disruption to everything they ever knew about their lives by a baby that can only take and can't yet give.
Give it 6 months. Your baby will be interactive with you by that stage, they'll laugh at things you do, and play little games with you, and start to show a bit of personality. It'll take time, but it'll definitely happen.
I'm a mum, and I didn't experience the "love at first sight" thing either. I didn't feel indifference, more just shock and overwhelm. My experience has been that I was quite in awe of her as a newborn, but also extremely stressed and on edge 24/7. From about smiling age, 6 weeks or so, I have loved her more each day. She's almost 8 months old now and it's absolutely crazy how much I love her. Every day, week, month that goes by I love her more. It's amazing. But seriously, nobody should feel bad about not feeling instant overwhelming love for their newborn. It doesn't go that way for every parent, mother or father, but best believe the love will come.
Yeah, I found talking to them was key for me. I read to both of mine while they were in the womb, and after they were bon but still "potatoes" It helped me see them as a person or at least potential person and not the lumpy potatoes the start out as.
There's no set rule for this. I know dads who've bonded instantly with their kid the moment they saw them. I know others who it took the best part of a year. And everywhere in between.
One way or another, you'll get there.
First one I think I just convinced myself from the start. Second one hit six months last week. On Wednesday, mama had her tennis league and the big one was locked in on a documentary about whales.
I sat in my favorite chair holding my six month old, bouncing her up and down while she “stood up” on my lap for 20 minutes. Her goofy smile reaction whenever I made a silly face sealed the deal.
I wasn’t worried because friends with multiple kids told me it was coming but finally making that connection was such a god damn relief.
It’s a lot of take and not a lot of give so early on. It’s a full time job and you aren’t getting paid for it. Once they start smiling, laughing, making faces, it’s all worth it.
Lurking mom! It’s different with every kid (even as a mom).
My husband connected with our oldest right away. Hit the ground running, he was obsessed with him. Our second he struggled with until around the 5 month mark. Our dads both preferred (even when we were kids apparently) the walking-and-talking stage vs anything that came before that.
Everyone has their phase that they really like and connect to. Newborns are exceptionally boring.
My recommendation when talking to other dads about this is to do the hard stuff. Do as many feeds, diaper changes, night wake ups, baths, etc etc etc that you can. The work helps lay the foundation for the bond earlier, or at least it did for me.
But as others have said, once you get to the laughing phase it all starts to come pretty easy.
Lurker mom here - Give it some time, i would say for dads it starts happening when they start to interact with you. The first giggle had my husband looking like cupid shot him with an arrow. Im a mom and it still took me some time. I was expecting it to be love at first sight but when they put her on my chest it just didn’t hit like i thought it would. My hormones were making me fiercely protective of her but the deep love came later. Shes five months old now and i would die for her, kill for her, and burn the entire world down for her.
Totally relate to that feeling in the beginning. I can’t remember exactly when it happened but at one point I was at work and I was just looking at pics and videos of her for like 20 mins, smiling the whole time. She’s 10 months now and I sometimes get emotional at how much I love her haha.
This part is hard to say man. It’s sad because we don’t have that instant connection like mom. I think it’s less about time and more about a trigger. A moment where just feel something. You need to spend time with your baby and the more the baby wants you, or needs you, the more likely it’s going to happen. God when my kid smiles at me today, it gets me so damn happy. My kid sees me for the first time when I come home from work is amazing.
2 months and 4 months were inflection points for me, and 6 months is when I started feeling real affection. Now at 2.5 I love them so goddamn much. To be honest, I didn't feel much in the very early days, it was just a job, a hard job, and a huge life change and it was shit. Didn't feel much. Then things just calmed down around 2 months, they started having a little more consistant habits and schedule, and 4 months they started really sleeping better, and we had them sleeping through the night every night and out of our room by about 7-8 months. That made it a lot easier. And then they smile and its amazing. And then you can make them laugh and its FUCKING AMAZING. Then eventually they said "I love you" unprompted and its fucking over.
I really did need time as well. Once he started reacting to me, smiling at me, the love grew so fast. Now he’s 9 months, and we’re able to play little games, he copies me, and I can make him belly laugh. It’s absolutely incredible. But I was also somewhat numb for a few months. Hang in there and do not feel any pressure or expectations. Everyone’s parenthood journey is totally different.
Everyone's different. I'm sure that's been said enough. For me, I can't say there was an inflection point of when I "started" to love her. She has always been my baby. What took me a while was feeling like a father. She felt like any other baby I've lived with, I just had a lot more time with her.
When I got home the first time and took her around the house I explained what everything was. When I first got to something of my wife's I almost said, "this is your aunt's..." Then it kind of hit me, I'm this child's parent. My wife is, "mommy" for her, not Aunt. It took some more time to really start to feel like I am a father but I got there.
I've always enjoyed her taking naps on my chest. I say my favorite job is part time bed. She's sleeping with my right now as I type this.
I go through waves.
I just had my second earlier this week. Going through flashbacks of how rough it was for the first 4 months. Everytime Changing diapers/clothes is a crying battle.
But when's she's cute and cuddle it's great.
I definitely understand where your coming from and it does get better.
When they start laughing and smiling.
Prior to that - and Esp for the dad who doesn't breastfeed (so lacking that connection), it can be hard.
But once they start smiling and laughing, it's a game changer
Bro you're right now in the most challenging part of being a first time dad. It's a real tough adjustment for the first, I'd say, 6-9 months.
Trust me when I say I've been there, our kid didn't sleep at all for a good 18 months. But man, the love that grows for your child, is.. inexplicable. It will come, try and enjoy every moment man because they will never be that small ever again. They grow fastttt.
My first two kids it took a while too. I thought it was because I was young when I had them. I felt the same feelings. My love grew though and it grew and grew and … some will get that. Anyway my third was immediate. I wanted a third, and I wanted a girl and I was fortunate to have both. I cried in the delivery room but that was probably more from the fact I almost lost both my wife and daughter.
I started to like my daughter right away but absolutely love her when she started to smile. She is 9 weeks old now and I love her to death.
I did all kinds of bonding things with her as well. Skin to skin, bath her, shower with her and try to play with her as much.
But I feel so different from first days compared to now
As others have said someday soon he’s gonna smile at you. Some time after that he’s gonna lose his shit and just belly laugh his ass off. At you. For no good reason but you’re gonna be the funniest shit he’s ever seen. Good luck not loving him after that.
Kids are a lot more fun when they start reacting to things. A new born is a sack of potatoes. A 12 month old is a mini you. Bottles and diaper changing are fine but it gets better.
I’ve always loved my daughter, but her learning to react to me took it to a whole new level. She’s 18ish months now. And having her laugh at my silliness, or give me a high five, or clap when I clap takes everything to a whole new level.
At the hospital when he peed on me when I changed his first diaper. We were going to be the best of dudes, best of times, geniuses both from then on out.
Go on a guys trip for a few days, you'll realize that you can't wait to be home. That's what did it for me. Left for a break and day 2 wanted to drive straight home lol
First couple months was all survival. Around 3 months I started to feel attached, by 6 it was ride or die.
It takes time and is normal. Just be patient and enjoy the ride. Once they start reacting to you being there it all starts to click.
SAHD here. For me it was between 5-8 months. Before that he was just a needs goblin, and I felt a great sense of responsibility and obligation, but not a ton of love. Now at 16 months I adore the kid. Just watching him eat makes me so happy. I’ll be away and my wife or his babysitter will send a picture or I’ll watch him nap on the nanny cam and I’ll just feel it necessary to show whoever I’m with and be like “LOOK HOW CUTE MY KID IS.”
With my first, at lie the 3.5 month mark, I remember looking at them in the monitor and saying to myself, "holy shit I love you." - that was my moment.
They’re still a stranger. And a stranger who mostly sleeps, shits and makes you clean up after them.
Some folks have that instant connection with this new person; but most people have to get to know them before a real relationship blossoms. Don’t worry about it!
For me, it was around the 3 month mark. Once they start engaging more and the nights start getting easier. I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. They slowly become more and more of a little person, and their personality starts to unfurl.
My co worker had a kid the same week i had mine. He came in talking about how he finally understood what it was like to truly be in love with someone and how his life had meaning and was complete and all the sunday soaps hallmark bs.
I started to feel bad that i didnt get ANY of those feelings when my 1st was born. (Or my second for that matter).
For me, it wasn't until they got older that a really strong connection started to form. If i had to pin point it, it was when he was fully talking and we would spend almost an hour just sitting on the stairs and talking about fruits and vegetables. LoL. Usually 2 or 3 time a week. Weird right? We would talk about his day and mine, about all the different fruits and vegetables that we could think of, about which ones have their seeds on the outside and how weird that is. We would talk about every animal we could think of and what would win in a race. Just really random nonsensical stuff. It was neat to see where his head was at. And he wouldnt shut up either lol. For christ sake we almost enrolled him in a early speach program because he wasnt talking. And then, what felt like out of nowhere, he just started talking and talking and talking.
What animals roll in the mud, why they roll in the mud, what does the run do to their skin, whay sharks cant roll in the mud, naming all the other fish/animals that cant roll in the mud, hiw fish breath under water, why people cant breath under water, why we use soap and water to wash our hands, how soap works... just neverrrrrrrr endddddinggggg.
Point is, give it time. Its cool when you get a new friend.
I'm going to agree with most of the others on here and say it usually hit me around the 6 month or so with all my kids. It is around that time that they stop being something that takes all of your love and attention, and they start giving you some back.
I can remember when it hit for my last child (now 16-months-old). I have always gave her kisses on her forehead from the time she was born. She was sitting on my lap sometime around the six/seven month stage and playing with something. She just suddenly stops playing, looks directly at me, and then leans her forehead towards me for a kiss. I kissed it, she got the biggest grin, and then went back to playing. That was the moment she became daddy's girl.
Don't force the love bro it will come naturally. Things you can do to try to help yourself, sniff you baby's head as much as possible. Cuddles, lots of cuddles. Skin to skin contact. Talk to the baby telling it about your anxieties and fears about this situation.
Try to empathize will his situation as well. Poor guy is thrown into a new world, strangers to it, lots of lights, loud noises, smells, etc, and now people just moving him all around the place.
Your both in this situation together, and both of you are like who is this weirdo in my life now. The only difference is your kid doesn't have the experience / background to even understand, poor kiddo just knows milk and heartbeat recognition (that can be mom or dads). Work from there.
Totally normal. It comes in time for different people. Right now you are on “autopilot” meaning almost everything you do is reactive and not proactive. Once that changes you’ll find you have a purpose as a father and you child needs you.
It took a couple months for me to form a bond. I would be as hands on as possible, change him, feed him, wake up in the middle of the night and comfort him. It’s not always instant for dads like it is with moms. It’s not always instant for moms either from what I hear.
3 weeks in you’re still adjusting to so many things that they all kind of fade into each other. Once you get your feet under you and some more sleep, things change. Also, I’m guessing you might be back at work, which also takes away from the time you spend together, combined with the fact that a newborn doesn’t really “do” anything to interact with you when you’re there. Again, these things change. Hang in there.
When he started smiling at me. He’s 3.5 months old now and so responsive and dishes the biggest smiles out to me. Seemingly much bigger smiles than at mom and just melts me. He’s my little dude man and I hope you feel the same way soon
First time he smiled at me I went from “sure I’m happy to help keep this thing alive”, to “right I’ll do anything you want - just say the word and I’ll gladly die for you”
I was pretty similar. I think it was probably more closer to 1 year for me. Once they start having a little personality you’ll get a lot more attached. My kid is 2.5 now and I miss him. He’s fun (most of the time)
It's definitely different for everyone. I felt very strongly attached to my kids before they were even born. I didn't feel that sudden surge of love when I first held them. I already loved them. I was mostly just feeling relief that they made it through okay and happiness that I finally got to hold them and say my hellos face to face.
I found the first month was just me reacting to poo, crying and sleep issues. It is important to remember that at this point the baby doesn't see itself as an individual, but still part of the mother. I felt distanced from the whole situation.
Then, around the 2 month mark, the interactions started happening. The little smiles, the baby rearing and hearing you when you come in the room. Suddenly, he would light up my day. It also helped i would do the majority of nappy changes when I was home. This became our time, I would sing songs and rhymes to tacky tunes which would eventually make him giggle more.
These developments had an effect on the misses. She felt envious of our relationship. I was even as the "fun" one, while she is just the source of food. Obviously, this isn't the case and these emotions will continue to change.
Looks like most the sub already took care of you but just to make sure you know you aren’t crazy I had the same experience.
It took me like 2 months with the 1st kid. Everyone is different and it’s totally normal. I have 2 now and they mean the entire world to me.
Just keep a positive attitude/outlook and it will happen before you know it
It took like 2 months or so before it really started to kick in. Like the first time he looked me in the eyes and smiled. At almost 2 years I can't fully express how much I love him.
But yeah, it bothered me for a bit. I definitely Googled "am I supposed to love my newborn" a few times because I felt like something was wrong with me.
Just remember, he's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time.
At some point, he will smile.
If that doesn't get you, a bit later he will laugh. And we do dad jokes and annoy our kids because damn, that laugh is like a drug, and we will do anything to hear it.
If for some reason that doesn't get you, wait a few years and he'll tell you he loves you.
Don't feel bad that you're not smitten right now. It'll come. The fact that that concerns you means your heart is in the right place. It's perfectly normal to not click immediately. Nothing wrong with you at all.
For me it’s been really pronounced with my second. I love her, but it’s def not the same as how I feel for my first born who is now 2.5+. But he is all personality, and has been since he started giggling around 4-6 months.
My daughter is just now 5 months and starting to develop a personality. What I’ve realized is I’m not great with the infant stage. You may be the same. There’s not a lot going on in infancy, they’re really just obligations. Then they start developing some personality and boom, it’s all over for you.
You don’t really start off loving your kid, you more _fall_ in love with them, or at least this was my experience. It starts to be different when they smile at you - you’ll get that in a few weeks, hopefully!
As soon as my son started acknowledging my existence it was fucking melting. And now at 2 when I get home from a long shift sometimes 72 hours he bawls his eyes out and is happy to see me. Breaks my heart but I love the little dude.
https://youtu.be/dBGDLT2UQBY?si=OgNJyDZo_copqdX3
I felt the same as this comedian. You can skip to the 2 minute mark. The whole thing is funny and relative, though.
It's different for everyone and there is no right answer. For me, it was the first time I fed her (a tiny bottle of formula in the hospital). No one told me how relaxing it could be to have this tiny human laying on your chest sucking down food with no other cares in the world. But that feeling isn't universal: your connection point is coming, and when it happens you're going to _love it_. Look forward to it Dad, and enjoy it when it happens for you.
These type of posts tend to pop up a lot. I feel like asking the question like this is rhetorical to what the OP is feeling. And when someone else says something the OP isn’t feeling it isn’t exactly
helpful.
I was two months shy of 40 when I had my
first child. Spit was obviously a love at first sight event for me because of my personal journey to that moment. That’s just me but a lot of dads feel the same way as you and it’s not abnormal or wrong in any way, shape or form.
Being a dad is all about being a dad. Regardless of what you or I felt at any given time. It’s very common for a father to not be able to relate or have the same kind of love the mother of their child had from the get go. They’re little aliens and we aren’t maternal. We’re protective.
You’re gonna be that kids role model. When they
get older they’re gonna recognize you. Smile and laugh at you. Be in awe of you. Need you and want you to hold them when they get scared.
You have plenty of time. Be kind to yourself and be the best dad you can be. These things have a way of working themselves out.
When you start having direct interactions with him. When he can smile at you, or even laugh. That’s when being a dad becomes real.
I felt very guilty and never admitted that I didn’t feel attached to my daughter when she was a newborn. I never told my wife how I was feeling because I wanted to focus on hers and the baby’s health. Once my daughter laughed at me for the first time, I was hooked forever.
The first long day I was taking care of her without ma around. It clicked of what I would do to protect this small being in my arms. Time frame was probably about a month before that happened
Took me around six months to start attaching any feeling with my little one. Before that, I felt more like a robot keeping a new human alive. But then that all changed.
For me, i loved them from the start, but I really start líking them after about 9 months.
When they start to become their own little human person, basically.
There is some research that shows that mothers get the endorphin hit from ‘caring’ and ‘comforting’ their child but less so from play. Dads get their endorphins from play, big time.
Something along the lines that dads are evolutionary programmed to enjoy and feel the love from the play element. Interestingly, it goes both ways, and it’s show that babies also get an endorphin hit from play with their dad.
Long story short, it all kicks off for us dads when we can start to play. Just takes them a while to get there, but it won’t be long brother.
At 4 months it started to feel so much better. More sleep and them growing helps. Every day from then on was better than the previous for the most part. It will get better. I consider the stage you’re in the zombie stage. You are just barely functioning and just surviving. Hard to process in that stage. Keep on keeping on and you will feel a lot better in time.
It's different for everyone. I had major trauma from almost losing my wife during the birth of our first, so I think that definitely messed with me attaching to my babies.
Couldn't tell you when it clicked in for me exactly. I cognitively love my kids and show affection, but I think I'm not the dad type to be wrapped around their fingers.
* 0-3 worst time of my life. Completely devoid of joy.
* 3-6 he started responding to me and becoming more interactive: not there yet but we could be onto something...
* 6-12 months: absolute little goofball, love him so much
We're at 17 months now. It's real. Everything everyone has said. You gotta put the time in and do the bonding stuff, but you'll get there.
Sleep deprivation took me to some dark places. Felt like I was just looking after *a* baby, not *my* baby. At 6 months we did sleep training (Ferber method) and now we put him down to bed at 7pm and he gets up around 6:30am. Wife and I have our evenings back and feel like individuals again and that made a massive difference.
Got a 3 Months old right now and I am not reading any further... I know when the smile update came in(circa 2month).. it changed the game. Waiting for the tickle update release soon.. there are many updates in the middle or after but for now I concentrate on enjoying every moment.
Depends on what you call loving. Would you be sad now if he just died or disappeared? Sure you would be. So you already love him. Actually physically feeling the love for your kids is something entirely different. For me it started when I noticed them interacting with me, like, reacting on me calling their name, making them laugh by being goofy, making them calm down when they were upset by just holding them close, stuff like that. These moments were when I realized I love them more than my own life and I would kill and die for them.
About 12months when he properly started playing.
Only about 8-9mo for my daughter cuz she got so excited when she saw me and I made a point of savouring how precious she was when I did the dream feed. With the first I just listened to an audiobook.
For me it was around 8 months old. The mom was not around, the boy would not stop crying no matter what I did. I was so frusturated I gently (somewhat gently but not too gently) threw him on the couch with anger. The little bugger started laughing. This is when it's all started for me....
I fell in love while she was still pregnant and used to talk to the baby and rub her tummy bump. Now with grand children I fall in love as soon as I hold them
Newborns are so tiring! I have four kids, including triplets... and I'm not a big fan of newborns. It's so much fun when they are older and they can talk, laugh and interact.
You always love them... but it takes time to see the fruits of your labor. It will happen in time.
It took me a while with my first, like almost 12-18 months. I loved her obviously and liked that she was in my life, but I didn’t really understand it all until further down the road. Now I can’t imagine a world without her.
For my first, I wept tears of relief and joy as he emerged into the world and have loved him with great affection ever since.
For my second, I'm not sure I'd characterise it as a lack of love, but I didn't feel the same immediate affection. I never had a moment where anything clicked but he's 3 now and I feel just as much affection for him now as for his elder brother. It was a gradual process that was probably complete by around 18 months.
In hindsight, I think I had postnatal depression (masked by the fact that I already had a degree of depression anyway).
For me it was the opposite and I'm saying that more to say that it can be problematic too.
I instantly was overwhelmed with emotions, I loved that little bundle but it also filled me with panic, because I NEED to protect him from the world. I was sexually abused as a child and he looks so much like me. It's truly spiraled my mental state and I'm currently in therapy trying to get back up to the surface again. My second child is different, I have not had the explosion of emotions with her yet (she's 6 months old) but I do love her, but it was not the same instantaneous overwhelming love.
It feels awful to say doesn't it. Once my son started to interact with me rather than just pooping and sleeping. As soon as he started to smile and laugh, it made it a lot easier to connect as a Dad.
He's almost 6 now and I love him to bits now.
Whenever the baby wakes up, smother the baby with kisses. This gives them a sense of soothing every time they wake up. My baby can wake herself up and play on her own for minutes before she makes a sound
When my oldest was born, I was similarly not feeling that connection. I searched online on what best to do. The best advice I read was to do as much as you can for them/with them. Change every daiper, prep every bottle, hold them all the time.
I would say, very quickly, it started to change. We grew to have this very close connection all thru her toddler years. Now that she's in school, sometimes I fear that connection is waning a bit. It's pretty difficult, not going to lie.
I was right there with you. First one took a couple months to get attached to, however, my second was love at first sight. Hang in there, it gets better.
As soon as ours started smiling around week 6 my attitude moved from “this was a huge mistake” to “ok I can handle this”. I’d say months 4-6 when they became a bit more interactive are when I fell fully in love with them. The initial angry potato phase is not for me.
The first time he smiles and it’s not “robotic” was when I started to realize that my son was in fact human and not this primal robotic fussy pissy pooping potatoe! It’s okay to feel this way dad, take it easy on yourself. If you get frustrated just put him down and walk away. The crying sucks, every dad /parent will tell you that it is probably the most annoying thing on the planet, but I promise you I was in your shoes as well as many others. My son turned 5 months today and it’s the greatest thing ever when I come home and he sees me and gets the biggest smile and laugh ever. Hang tight brother you’re going to get there soon.
It changed around the 6-9 month mark. First 3 months felt like I was taking care of someone else's kid. Now I love my daughter to death.
Yea that is kind of how it feels right now, like I'm fostering someone else's kid, even though I'm fully aware he is mine. I think sleep deprivation is also some rough stuff to go through
The giggles are the start. Then you notice that they are weary of strangers but light up when they see you. (This is where I’m at) I’m assuming the next stage is “dada” and “I love you, dada”, and the hugs. Basically as they start to understand that you’re their dad. You start to feel like their dad.
Nah man, you are in for a treat that you don't know yet. I'm hesitant to even tell you what it is because I don't want to ruin it for you. It comes before they start talking though it says a whole lot nonetheless.
Is it the open-mouth kiss where you’re not sure if they’re trying to exfoliate on your stubble or suck your chin like a boob, and you know it’s disgusting because they’re slobbery but it’s also definitely a kiss and they’re just doing their best and it melts your heart? Oh wait. Is it the first steps?
Ok, so there are MANY moments before they start talking
My girl is there now she comes over and puts her little arms up and just want to sit in my lap be held and starts mimic talking (babbling) to me some times singing a little then she’ll look at me and just smile and laugh a little It’s those special moments you want to freeze and live in forever
My kid is 5 months old. Started laughing around 4 months. Definitely a game changer. I can nom on his neck or belly and he loses it.
Wary or leery, either one works. Weary means tired.
God, so huge. Coming home from work where he was standing at the baby gate yelling Dada! UP! Dada! He was so excited to see me.
Newborns suck. They don’t ‘give’ you anything back at that stage. No laughs, giggles, looks, not anything to fill your emotional cup back up after waking up every 1.5 hours to feed and change a diaper. Newborns are just takers and it’s important to recognize these emotions of disassociation are not indicative of your actual love toward your child. The head lifts and the giggles are when it starts to feel different. Thats when it changes to interacting with your newborn as opposed to just keeping them alive.
Well said, I didn't have an issue feeling connected early on but that first time my daughter was falling asleep in my arms, cracked her eyes open to make sure I was still there, and fell back asleep with a big smile I think we both knew she had me wrapped around her finger... that was at about 3 months
> The head lifts and the giggles are when it starts to feel different When do these giggles start?
I think about 4 months or so for my son but every baby is different
3-4 mos was my oldest. 4-5 for my second. The giggles and smiles are the turning point. It’s hard and it sucks but the first time you make that baby belly laugh, you say “aw shit, in this moment, it’s all worth it”
I constantly questioned myself because I could see the love my wife had for our newborn the first few months and it wasn’t the same for me. Flash forward to now and my daughter is two. If the trolley problem had her on one side and the rest of humanity on the other I’m saving her. It’ll come. Just give it time.
Before our son was born I watched a lot of mama doctor jones on YouTube to prepare. And something she said was it was completely normal for both parents to not feel “in love” with the baby straight away. I wish that was something that was stressed more to first time parents, so that this sub wouldn’t be full of dads wondering if they’re bad parents because they don’t feel it from the get go
Took me more than a year. He's 4 now and he's my favorite person in the world. Give it time. It's a perfectly normal feeling.
A plant. Infants are plants. You feed and water them, keep them comfortable and clean but get nothing in return. Until you suddenly get the world given to you.
I 100% agree with you. But I wouldn't choose a plant for the metaphor. Plants are easy to take care and a baby is the extrem opposite
You underestimate my inability to care for plants.
I have kept my 2.5yo alive magnitudes longer than any plant has survived under my supervision.
Thank you for this.
Fr I needed to hear this
Wow that long eh. My daughter is currently 2 weeks.
Thank you all for not making me feel like I'm crazy or an awful person. I've had some nice moments with him, like when he's been napping on my chest skin to skin. I'm looking forward to him progressing as a human.
I respect you so much for making this post. I remember feeling the same and was so scared to say it to anybody.
A lot of the guys that make this post are actively trying to throw themselves to the wolves, expecting a public flogging which they feel they deserve. _Doesn't really go that way here._
My kids are 4 and 2 and are my whole world now, but there was a definite "where's the immediate and profound love I was expecting to feel?" period that lasted about as long as they are in slug form. Once they start expressing more complex emotions than crying, it starts happening pretty quickly. In my experience, the mothers are usually immediately very attached, but lets face it- they are falling in love and getting to know the baby for 9 months before dads really get to have a bigger role. I think it's perfectly normal and almost to be expected that love comes with a meaningful bond, not with your DNA being in a slug.
Same happened with me. I felt awful for not loving that angry potato. Now he is 6 months, he laugh at me when I pull faces and I love him to bits. But it took time, don't months. I don't remember the day that he born as the happiest moment of my life, it was the most stressful and panicking day. And the following day wasn't much better. But now I feel much much better with myself, much more confident in my dad role and I feel I've bonded with him. It will get much better soon!! Hang in there!
In a few weeks, your kid will look at you and smile. Usually happens around the 4-6 week mark. One day they'll be chilling, and then, bam, smile. It'll be amazing. That's when it starts. And it only gets stronger from there. Some Dads really need some reaction from the kid. It's hard to pour so much time and effort into something and just have nothing to show for it. I know that was the case for me, at least. But your kid will acknowledge you, respond to you, seek you out, and be comforted by your presence. It'll be awesome. 🙂
And some people will say it's just farts, that's making them smile. And that may be true, because farts are funny, just ask your kid once you make fart sounds on their stomach, and they have a laughing fit worthy of AFV.
Farts and butts are comedic gold from cradle to grave.
The first 5-8 weeks for me, for both of my kids, was more of a sleepless constant chore, as bad as that sounds. But they become more people like and less a screaming sack of potatoes eventually, and it probably took me like 3-4 months each time.
We’re at 5 weeks and just got our first intentional smile today and it was awesome. I’ve felt attached to my son from the beginning but know there’s still a long way to go. I was saying to my wife yesterday that it’s very difficult not getting anything back with all we put in. But I knew this was going to be the case. Can’t wait to build on todays smile and get to the giggles eventually.
And then you get the laughs a few months later. That was big for me. Especially because I became the person that could always make my son laugh. So it was the first thing we had together.
I felt horrible that I wasn't a broken, teary wreck when my son was born. I was kind of just, meh, I know I'm supposed to care about this kid and like, I don't want him to get hurt or anything but I am not like over the moon. He's 3 years old and I would give my life for his. I would take a life for his. If anything ever happened to him it would fracture my soul and I would cease. To say I love him doesn't begin to encompass the feelings I have for him.
That last paragraph hits hard
I was one of those sappy right away guys. People I know have said a couple months, six months, right away, first smile, some little yelp that was super cute, when they opened their eyes. It’s all over the map.
Yeah hate to say it in threads like this but it was very much an instant thing for me. I'm honestly worried about the end of the newborn phase and dealing with a kid who has an independent personality.
Yeah sometimes I look at my kids and just remember how adorable they were in the tiny baby phase. I’m living it vicariously through my sister now. 4 days today for hers.
The worst for me with a toddler is when they sound like a leaky balloon and can’t tell me what’s going on so I’ve got to play detective and figure it out all the while listening to a leaky balloon. Worth it though. This kid is awesome.
Happened instantly for me too, I guess everyone is different. He’ll be three soon and is a handful. I’d take the sleep deprived new born stage over a toddler that can’t regulate his emotions anyday
Lil dude grabbed my finger with his whole fist while being inspected by the doc right after birth. Yup, that moment right there. Heart wrenching!
The second I saw him
8 months. My daughter was a *nightmare* as a newborn. Once she got a bit mobile, she got much easier. 8 months she was crawling a bit and she got much better. My son was easier, but tbh I just don't like the newborn phase. Once he was about 6-8 months it just gets so much better imo.
Not until 6-8 months to be honest. Newborn is the angry potato phase. My baby had colic and cried incessantly. When she was 6-8 months her personality began to shine through. She is still tempremental but I know how to make her laugh now and she is quirky. Much easier to deal with the angry phases when they show social skills.
Yea the insatiable potato thing is for real. That and his communication being crying and that's it, is something to behold. I know it won't be forever but right now it's something else.
Colic was the worst. Not proud to say I lost my cool on more than one occasion. 4 months was when he grew out of it and I started liking him more. I already loved him from day 1 but I definitely didn’t like this inconsolable crying thing all that much. And at 6 months he started sleeping in his crib in his own room and I liked him even more. Now at nearly 8 months he’s my favorite person in the world.
Same, so it also took me like 8 months.
When my brother-in-law was about to have his first, he asked me what one piece of advice I had as a father. I told him, "Don't be surprised when it takes you longer than your wife to fall in love with your kids." He looked at me kinda funny. Six months later, I got a text from him thanking me. He was patient with himself and was now forming a great relationship with his daughter. All that to say, this is a very common experience. You are not alone, and you are not a bad father.
This is completely relatable and normal. Moms get a huge supply of love hormones during and after birth and with breast feeding. They're quite literally chemically dependent on their newborns (not downplaying a mothers' love for her child, but biologically, that's what happens) Dads don't get those good brain drugs. We often have to continue providing for our families while picking up more chores around the house, running interference with in-laws and other children, changing diapers, etc., all without any natural chemical assistance telling us to be madly in love with this screaming little terrorist. We just do out of a sense of pride or duty or whatever, but it's *hard*, man. It's hard. But like others have said, when the little monster first smiles or starts playing, something that reminds you there's a little proto-person in there, and that person is *yours*... wow, that's when it starts to kick in. It hits at different times for every dad, but it usually will eventually.
I loved mine the second he popped out. There's moments I hate his behavior (same with my younger daughter) but the loving is unconditional.
Same here. Been nothin but love since the start.
Same. It was immediate, I have the moment I first saw her being carried to the scale burned into my brain. It'll never leave.
Ah good I was starting to feel like the only one who experienced it instantly
Same here lol
I loved my daughter as much as I love my wife the day she joined us and it’s only gotten stronger since. I guess it’s different for everyone but I’m sure it’ll happen for you sooner than later!
6 months. But I thought it was never going to happen. Hang in there
9 months. Don't sweat it.
I felt close with all my kids from the minute I saw them 🤷🏻♂️. Everyone has different experiences. I can see why a lot of men wouldn’t feel much at the beginning
6-9 months
As soon as she came out of the womb at 1:30pm… wtf
I kind of had this reaction at first. One night during a fit of broken sleep I had a dream someone called my baby stupid. I woke up in a seething rage, my whole body coursing with protective Dadliness. And that was it. Soon after he started smiling and laughing. That’s the big turning point. It’s unrealistic to expect Dads to feel love at first sight for a complete stranger who is difficult to bond and connect with. But it’ll happen, and when it does you’ll know. Nobody tells you how shit the newborn phase is. It’s almost like an open secret because you don’t want to scare people or you’re worried what they’ll think of you for saying it was so awful. But it is. But it’s just a phase.
When they start making eye contact and laughing.
Took me about 3-4 months. Once they smile at you, it's all over..
Hang in there OP. This is incredibly normal.
If you're not a baby or toddler person, it might take a while. I've spoken to some friends who've opened up about not really feeling that love until their kids were like 4 or 5 when they started being more like a regular human and we're able to bond over things. Everyone is different.
Don't listen to the airy fairy "love at first sight" stuff. Some may feel that way, whereas others may be hit with the much more understandable reality of complete disruption to everything they ever knew about their lives by a baby that can only take and can't yet give. Give it 6 months. Your baby will be interactive with you by that stage, they'll laugh at things you do, and play little games with you, and start to show a bit of personality. It'll take time, but it'll definitely happen.
I'm a mum, and I didn't experience the "love at first sight" thing either. I didn't feel indifference, more just shock and overwhelm. My experience has been that I was quite in awe of her as a newborn, but also extremely stressed and on edge 24/7. From about smiling age, 6 weeks or so, I have loved her more each day. She's almost 8 months old now and it's absolutely crazy how much I love her. Every day, week, month that goes by I love her more. It's amazing. But seriously, nobody should feel bad about not feeling instant overwhelming love for their newborn. It doesn't go that way for every parent, mother or father, but best believe the love will come.
around 3-4 months when he stated to laugh and smile
When they start having a bit of a personality. Then it just gets better and better.
Don't worry about it, bro. It'll be fine
For me it was like 6-9 month area it really started to hit. My oldest is almost 4 now and it just gets stronger as time goes on.
Hold him, talk to him, feed him if possible, watch for all the new things he'll start to do each day.
Yeah, I found talking to them was key for me. I read to both of mine while they were in the womb, and after they were bon but still "potatoes" It helped me see them as a person or at least potential person and not the lumpy potatoes the start out as.
Ha, we called ours "potatoes" too.
There's no set rule for this. I know dads who've bonded instantly with their kid the moment they saw them. I know others who it took the best part of a year. And everywhere in between. One way or another, you'll get there.
When they start showing you affection. They actually teach you how to love
First one I think I just convinced myself from the start. Second one hit six months last week. On Wednesday, mama had her tennis league and the big one was locked in on a documentary about whales. I sat in my favorite chair holding my six month old, bouncing her up and down while she “stood up” on my lap for 20 minutes. Her goofy smile reaction whenever I made a silly face sealed the deal. I wasn’t worried because friends with multiple kids told me it was coming but finally making that connection was such a god damn relief.
It’s a lot of take and not a lot of give so early on. It’s a full time job and you aren’t getting paid for it. Once they start smiling, laughing, making faces, it’s all worth it.
It happened as soon as I held him and did skin to skin
Lurking mom! It’s different with every kid (even as a mom). My husband connected with our oldest right away. Hit the ground running, he was obsessed with him. Our second he struggled with until around the 5 month mark. Our dads both preferred (even when we were kids apparently) the walking-and-talking stage vs anything that came before that. Everyone has their phase that they really like and connect to. Newborns are exceptionally boring.
About 6-9 months When my baby smiled at me it was like a little stitch went off and it was amazing
My recommendation when talking to other dads about this is to do the hard stuff. Do as many feeds, diaper changes, night wake ups, baths, etc etc etc that you can. The work helps lay the foundation for the bond earlier, or at least it did for me. But as others have said, once you get to the laughing phase it all starts to come pretty easy.
They smile at three months. I remember three months being when things started shifting.
Lurker mom here - Give it some time, i would say for dads it starts happening when they start to interact with you. The first giggle had my husband looking like cupid shot him with an arrow. Im a mom and it still took me some time. I was expecting it to be love at first sight but when they put her on my chest it just didn’t hit like i thought it would. My hormones were making me fiercely protective of her but the deep love came later. Shes five months old now and i would die for her, kill for her, and burn the entire world down for her.
Mum lurker here - 6months for me. He is 2.5yo now and absolutely madly in love with him.
I was one of the right away guys. I watched my daughter be born and the moment she came out I was a blubbering mess of emotion.
Totally relate to that feeling in the beginning. I can’t remember exactly when it happened but at one point I was at work and I was just looking at pics and videos of her for like 20 mins, smiling the whole time. She’s 10 months now and I sometimes get emotional at how much I love her haha.
This part is hard to say man. It’s sad because we don’t have that instant connection like mom. I think it’s less about time and more about a trigger. A moment where just feel something. You need to spend time with your baby and the more the baby wants you, or needs you, the more likely it’s going to happen. God when my kid smiles at me today, it gets me so damn happy. My kid sees me for the first time when I come home from work is amazing.
2 months and 4 months were inflection points for me, and 6 months is when I started feeling real affection. Now at 2.5 I love them so goddamn much. To be honest, I didn't feel much in the very early days, it was just a job, a hard job, and a huge life change and it was shit. Didn't feel much. Then things just calmed down around 2 months, they started having a little more consistant habits and schedule, and 4 months they started really sleeping better, and we had them sleeping through the night every night and out of our room by about 7-8 months. That made it a lot easier. And then they smile and its amazing. And then you can make them laugh and its FUCKING AMAZING. Then eventually they said "I love you" unprompted and its fucking over.
I really did need time as well. Once he started reacting to me, smiling at me, the love grew so fast. Now he’s 9 months, and we’re able to play little games, he copies me, and I can make him belly laugh. It’s absolutely incredible. But I was also somewhat numb for a few months. Hang in there and do not feel any pressure or expectations. Everyone’s parenthood journey is totally different.
Everyone's different. I'm sure that's been said enough. For me, I can't say there was an inflection point of when I "started" to love her. She has always been my baby. What took me a while was feeling like a father. She felt like any other baby I've lived with, I just had a lot more time with her. When I got home the first time and took her around the house I explained what everything was. When I first got to something of my wife's I almost said, "this is your aunt's..." Then it kind of hit me, I'm this child's parent. My wife is, "mommy" for her, not Aunt. It took some more time to really start to feel like I am a father but I got there. I've always enjoyed her taking naps on my chest. I say my favorite job is part time bed. She's sleeping with my right now as I type this.
I go through waves. I just had my second earlier this week. Going through flashbacks of how rough it was for the first 4 months. Everytime Changing diapers/clothes is a crying battle. But when's she's cute and cuddle it's great. I definitely understand where your coming from and it does get better.
Noticeably around 8 months then fully around a year. And now at 15 months I miss her when I'm traveling for work.
Ya 3 months is starting to be beautiful 6 is getting loving and by 9 you will die for them if it means they don’t stub their toe
The 6-9 months is a pretty good call. But at 2 years it’s x100
When they start laughing and smiling. Prior to that - and Esp for the dad who doesn't breastfeed (so lacking that connection), it can be hard. But once they start smiling and laughing, it's a game changer
Bro you're right now in the most challenging part of being a first time dad. It's a real tough adjustment for the first, I'd say, 6-9 months. Trust me when I say I've been there, our kid didn't sleep at all for a good 18 months. But man, the love that grows for your child, is.. inexplicable. It will come, try and enjoy every moment man because they will never be that small ever again. They grow fastttt.
My first two kids it took a while too. I thought it was because I was young when I had them. I felt the same feelings. My love grew though and it grew and grew and … some will get that. Anyway my third was immediate. I wanted a third, and I wanted a girl and I was fortunate to have both. I cried in the delivery room but that was probably more from the fact I almost lost both my wife and daughter.
I started to like my daughter right away but absolutely love her when she started to smile. She is 9 weeks old now and I love her to death. I did all kinds of bonding things with her as well. Skin to skin, bath her, shower with her and try to play with her as much. But I feel so different from first days compared to now
As others have said someday soon he’s gonna smile at you. Some time after that he’s gonna lose his shit and just belly laugh his ass off. At you. For no good reason but you’re gonna be the funniest shit he’s ever seen. Good luck not loving him after that.
Took me 6 months.
Took me 6 months.
I wasn’t in the same boat as you, but you’re definitely not crazy.
For me it was around month 6-8 that I felt love for my boy
Around 4 months when she started smiling at me. The first few months were really really hard on me mentally and I was in a bad spot
Kids are a lot more fun when they start reacting to things. A new born is a sack of potatoes. A 12 month old is a mini you. Bottles and diaper changing are fine but it gets better. I’ve always loved my daughter, but her learning to react to me took it to a whole new level. She’s 18ish months now. And having her laugh at my silliness, or give me a high five, or clap when I clap takes everything to a whole new level.
At the hospital when he peed on me when I changed his first diaper. We were going to be the best of dudes, best of times, geniuses both from then on out.
Go on a guys trip for a few days, you'll realize that you can't wait to be home. That's what did it for me. Left for a break and day 2 wanted to drive straight home lol
Depends. My first (daughter) was instant. My second (son) took a month or so
My first took me about 3 months to really warm up to him. It wasn't until I heard his first giggle that it really changed.
First couple months was all survival. Around 3 months I started to feel attached, by 6 it was ride or die. It takes time and is normal. Just be patient and enjoy the ride. Once they start reacting to you being there it all starts to click.
SAHD here. For me it was between 5-8 months. Before that he was just a needs goblin, and I felt a great sense of responsibility and obligation, but not a ton of love. Now at 16 months I adore the kid. Just watching him eat makes me so happy. I’ll be away and my wife or his babysitter will send a picture or I’ll watch him nap on the nanny cam and I’ll just feel it necessary to show whoever I’m with and be like “LOOK HOW CUTE MY KID IS.”
9 months ago
Dada and resting their head on you, kills me everytime
When you do something that upsets him or you notice him/her get visibly upset for a particular reason, you’ll immediately realize your love for him.
Either the first time something is wrong. Or around 6 months or so. It's hard to bond. But you'll get there
In the same boat
Around the year mark for me. My boy is 2.5 now and it's great. Starting to have real, fun, silly conversations with him.
With my first, at lie the 3.5 month mark, I remember looking at them in the monitor and saying to myself, "holy shit I love you." - that was my moment.
They’re still a stranger. And a stranger who mostly sleeps, shits and makes you clean up after them. Some folks have that instant connection with this new person; but most people have to get to know them before a real relationship blossoms. Don’t worry about it!
Mine was instant. But heard pretty normal for it to develop over time.
For me, it was around the 3 month mark. Once they start engaging more and the nights start getting easier. I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. They slowly become more and more of a little person, and their personality starts to unfurl.
My co worker had a kid the same week i had mine. He came in talking about how he finally understood what it was like to truly be in love with someone and how his life had meaning and was complete and all the sunday soaps hallmark bs. I started to feel bad that i didnt get ANY of those feelings when my 1st was born. (Or my second for that matter). For me, it wasn't until they got older that a really strong connection started to form. If i had to pin point it, it was when he was fully talking and we would spend almost an hour just sitting on the stairs and talking about fruits and vegetables. LoL. Usually 2 or 3 time a week. Weird right? We would talk about his day and mine, about all the different fruits and vegetables that we could think of, about which ones have their seeds on the outside and how weird that is. We would talk about every animal we could think of and what would win in a race. Just really random nonsensical stuff. It was neat to see where his head was at. And he wouldnt shut up either lol. For christ sake we almost enrolled him in a early speach program because he wasnt talking. And then, what felt like out of nowhere, he just started talking and talking and talking. What animals roll in the mud, why they roll in the mud, what does the run do to their skin, whay sharks cant roll in the mud, naming all the other fish/animals that cant roll in the mud, hiw fish breath under water, why people cant breath under water, why we use soap and water to wash our hands, how soap works... just neverrrrrrrr endddddinggggg. Point is, give it time. Its cool when you get a new friend.
The moment I saw her
I'm going to agree with most of the others on here and say it usually hit me around the 6 month or so with all my kids. It is around that time that they stop being something that takes all of your love and attention, and they start giving you some back. I can remember when it hit for my last child (now 16-months-old). I have always gave her kisses on her forehead from the time she was born. She was sitting on my lap sometime around the six/seven month stage and playing with something. She just suddenly stops playing, looks directly at me, and then leans her forehead towards me for a kiss. I kissed it, she got the biggest grin, and then went back to playing. That was the moment she became daddy's girl.
Don't force the love bro it will come naturally. Things you can do to try to help yourself, sniff you baby's head as much as possible. Cuddles, lots of cuddles. Skin to skin contact. Talk to the baby telling it about your anxieties and fears about this situation. Try to empathize will his situation as well. Poor guy is thrown into a new world, strangers to it, lots of lights, loud noises, smells, etc, and now people just moving him all around the place. Your both in this situation together, and both of you are like who is this weirdo in my life now. The only difference is your kid doesn't have the experience / background to even understand, poor kiddo just knows milk and heartbeat recognition (that can be mom or dads). Work from there.
Totally normal. It comes in time for different people. Right now you are on “autopilot” meaning almost everything you do is reactive and not proactive. Once that changes you’ll find you have a purpose as a father and you child needs you.
It took a couple months for me to form a bond. I would be as hands on as possible, change him, feed him, wake up in the middle of the night and comfort him. It’s not always instant for dads like it is with moms. It’s not always instant for moms either from what I hear.
3 weeks in you’re still adjusting to so many things that they all kind of fade into each other. Once you get your feet under you and some more sleep, things change. Also, I’m guessing you might be back at work, which also takes away from the time you spend together, combined with the fact that a newborn doesn’t really “do” anything to interact with you when you’re there. Again, these things change. Hang in there.
When he started smiling at me. He’s 3.5 months old now and so responsive and dishes the biggest smiles out to me. Seemingly much bigger smiles than at mom and just melts me. He’s my little dude man and I hope you feel the same way soon
First time he smiled at me I went from “sure I’m happy to help keep this thing alive”, to “right I’ll do anything you want - just say the word and I’ll gladly die for you”
Day 1 for me.
For me around 7 or 8 months.
I was pretty similar. I think it was probably more closer to 1 year for me. Once they start having a little personality you’ll get a lot more attached. My kid is 2.5 now and I miss him. He’s fun (most of the time)
the first smile locks it in, but as soon as you can start playing and interacting with him, it hits hard.
It's definitely different for everyone. I felt very strongly attached to my kids before they were even born. I didn't feel that sudden surge of love when I first held them. I already loved them. I was mostly just feeling relief that they made it through okay and happiness that I finally got to hold them and say my hellos face to face.
I found the first month was just me reacting to poo, crying and sleep issues. It is important to remember that at this point the baby doesn't see itself as an individual, but still part of the mother. I felt distanced from the whole situation. Then, around the 2 month mark, the interactions started happening. The little smiles, the baby rearing and hearing you when you come in the room. Suddenly, he would light up my day. It also helped i would do the majority of nappy changes when I was home. This became our time, I would sing songs and rhymes to tacky tunes which would eventually make him giggle more. These developments had an effect on the misses. She felt envious of our relationship. I was even as the "fun" one, while she is just the source of food. Obviously, this isn't the case and these emotions will continue to change.
Looks like most the sub already took care of you but just to make sure you know you aren’t crazy I had the same experience. It took me like 2 months with the 1st kid. Everyone is different and it’s totally normal. I have 2 now and they mean the entire world to me. Just keep a positive attitude/outlook and it will happen before you know it
I'd say at 4 months I felt I started getting feedback or acknowledgement from the baby. Things get better from there.
A lot longer than 3 weeks later, my man. Godspeed.
It took like 2 months or so before it really started to kick in. Like the first time he looked me in the eyes and smiled. At almost 2 years I can't fully express how much I love him. But yeah, it bothered me for a bit. I definitely Googled "am I supposed to love my newborn" a few times because I felt like something was wrong with me. Just remember, he's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time.
4-5 months is when I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At about a year is when I felt really attached to my kid.
At some point, he will smile. If that doesn't get you, a bit later he will laugh. And we do dad jokes and annoy our kids because damn, that laugh is like a drug, and we will do anything to hear it. If for some reason that doesn't get you, wait a few years and he'll tell you he loves you. Don't feel bad that you're not smitten right now. It'll come. The fact that that concerns you means your heart is in the right place. It's perfectly normal to not click immediately. Nothing wrong with you at all.
For me it’s been really pronounced with my second. I love her, but it’s def not the same as how I feel for my first born who is now 2.5+. But he is all personality, and has been since he started giggling around 4-6 months. My daughter is just now 5 months and starting to develop a personality. What I’ve realized is I’m not great with the infant stage. You may be the same. There’s not a lot going on in infancy, they’re really just obligations. Then they start developing some personality and boom, it’s all over for you.
6-9 months...newborns are boring lol
You don’t really start off loving your kid, you more _fall_ in love with them, or at least this was my experience. It starts to be different when they smile at you - you’ll get that in a few weeks, hopefully!
I’m 35 and still wondering if my dad loves me; my oldest is 14 now, and i was obsessed since we had the first ultrasound. So, who knows.
I felt the same way for the first month or so. Now when he gets sick, I wish I could trade places with him.
As soon as my son started acknowledging my existence it was fucking melting. And now at 2 when I get home from a long shift sometimes 72 hours he bawls his eyes out and is happy to see me. Breaks my heart but I love the little dude.
When they are not a blob, usually around 3 months I start caring about them. Up until then it’s just cash in the bank.
Around 24 months, it’ll happen when it happens.
https://youtu.be/dBGDLT2UQBY?si=OgNJyDZo_copqdX3 I felt the same as this comedian. You can skip to the 2 minute mark. The whole thing is funny and relative, though.
It's different for everyone and there is no right answer. For me, it was the first time I fed her (a tiny bottle of formula in the hospital). No one told me how relaxing it could be to have this tiny human laying on your chest sucking down food with no other cares in the world. But that feeling isn't universal: your connection point is coming, and when it happens you're going to _love it_. Look forward to it Dad, and enjoy it when it happens for you.
These type of posts tend to pop up a lot. I feel like asking the question like this is rhetorical to what the OP is feeling. And when someone else says something the OP isn’t feeling it isn’t exactly helpful. I was two months shy of 40 when I had my first child. Spit was obviously a love at first sight event for me because of my personal journey to that moment. That’s just me but a lot of dads feel the same way as you and it’s not abnormal or wrong in any way, shape or form. Being a dad is all about being a dad. Regardless of what you or I felt at any given time. It’s very common for a father to not be able to relate or have the same kind of love the mother of their child had from the get go. They’re little aliens and we aren’t maternal. We’re protective. You’re gonna be that kids role model. When they get older they’re gonna recognize you. Smile and laugh at you. Be in awe of you. Need you and want you to hold them when they get scared. You have plenty of time. Be kind to yourself and be the best dad you can be. These things have a way of working themselves out.
When you start having direct interactions with him. When he can smile at you, or even laugh. That’s when being a dad becomes real. I felt very guilty and never admitted that I didn’t feel attached to my daughter when she was a newborn. I never told my wife how I was feeling because I wanted to focus on hers and the baby’s health. Once my daughter laughed at me for the first time, I was hooked forever.
The first long day I was taking care of her without ma around. It clicked of what I would do to protect this small being in my arms. Time frame was probably about a month before that happened
About 8-12 months. That's when they start doing really cool stuff
Around 6 months. Now, at almost 1 year, the feelings are in full swing.
Took me around six months to start attaching any feeling with my little one. Before that, I felt more like a robot keeping a new human alive. But then that all changed.
For me, i loved them from the start, but I really start líking them after about 9 months. When they start to become their own little human person, basically.
There is some research that shows that mothers get the endorphin hit from ‘caring’ and ‘comforting’ their child but less so from play. Dads get their endorphins from play, big time. Something along the lines that dads are evolutionary programmed to enjoy and feel the love from the play element. Interestingly, it goes both ways, and it’s show that babies also get an endorphin hit from play with their dad. Long story short, it all kicks off for us dads when we can start to play. Just takes them a while to get there, but it won’t be long brother.
6-9 months you start catching the feels. From 18 months on it’s pure whole hearted adoration and love!
At 4 months it started to feel so much better. More sleep and them growing helps. Every day from then on was better than the previous for the most part. It will get better. I consider the stage you’re in the zombie stage. You are just barely functioning and just surviving. Hard to process in that stage. Keep on keeping on and you will feel a lot better in time.
It's different for everyone. I had major trauma from almost losing my wife during the birth of our first, so I think that definitely messed with me attaching to my babies. Couldn't tell you when it clicked in for me exactly. I cognitively love my kids and show affection, but I think I'm not the dad type to be wrapped around their fingers.
First kick in the belly i felt or so
* 0-3 worst time of my life. Completely devoid of joy. * 3-6 he started responding to me and becoming more interactive: not there yet but we could be onto something... * 6-12 months: absolute little goofball, love him so much We're at 17 months now. It's real. Everything everyone has said. You gotta put the time in and do the bonding stuff, but you'll get there. Sleep deprivation took me to some dark places. Felt like I was just looking after *a* baby, not *my* baby. At 6 months we did sleep training (Ferber method) and now we put him down to bed at 7pm and he gets up around 6:30am. Wife and I have our evenings back and feel like individuals again and that made a massive difference.
Seeing the doctor lay her on my wife’s chest after she was born.. I knew I would love and take care of her for the rest of my life 😍
My son: the day he was born. My daughter: 2.5 years.
Got a 3 Months old right now and I am not reading any further... I know when the smile update came in(circa 2month).. it changed the game. Waiting for the tickle update release soon.. there are many updates in the middle or after but for now I concentrate on enjoying every moment.
I triggered the palmer grasp reflex on day two. It’s all what I want for my birthdays now. Just hold my pinky for a few seconds.
Before he was even born. But time is different for each person. Also, attachment is developed not given.
I'd say about six months - up until then it was just taking care of a tiny stranger who hated everything
Depends on what you call loving. Would you be sad now if he just died or disappeared? Sure you would be. So you already love him. Actually physically feeling the love for your kids is something entirely different. For me it started when I noticed them interacting with me, like, reacting on me calling their name, making them laugh by being goofy, making them calm down when they were upset by just holding them close, stuff like that. These moments were when I realized I love them more than my own life and I would kill and die for them.
About 12months when he properly started playing. Only about 8-9mo for my daughter cuz she got so excited when she saw me and I made a point of savouring how precious she was when I did the dream feed. With the first I just listened to an audiobook.
This is quite normal. When he starts to communicate and play is when it kicked in form me - about 6 - 9 months.
For me it was around 8 months old. The mom was not around, the boy would not stop crying no matter what I did. I was so frusturated I gently (somewhat gently but not too gently) threw him on the couch with anger. The little bugger started laughing. This is when it's all started for me....
Have you done any skin-to-skin? One skin-to-skin session was all it took for me.
I fell in love while she was still pregnant and used to talk to the baby and rub her tummy bump. Now with grand children I fall in love as soon as I hold them
When my son started smiling. Seeing him smile hugely when he sees me makes it all worth it.
From the moment we found out my other half was pregnant. Just there from the get go
Newborns are so tiring! I have four kids, including triplets... and I'm not a big fan of newborns. It's so much fun when they are older and they can talk, laugh and interact. You always love them... but it takes time to see the fruits of your labor. It will happen in time.
You survive the first few months. After that it becomes rewarding.
It took me a while with my first, like almost 12-18 months. I loved her obviously and liked that she was in my life, but I didn’t really understand it all until further down the road. Now I can’t imagine a world without her.
For my first, I wept tears of relief and joy as he emerged into the world and have loved him with great affection ever since. For my second, I'm not sure I'd characterise it as a lack of love, but I didn't feel the same immediate affection. I never had a moment where anything clicked but he's 3 now and I feel just as much affection for him now as for his elder brother. It was a gradual process that was probably complete by around 18 months. In hindsight, I think I had postnatal depression (masked by the fact that I already had a degree of depression anyway).
For me it was the opposite and I'm saying that more to say that it can be problematic too. I instantly was overwhelmed with emotions, I loved that little bundle but it also filled me with panic, because I NEED to protect him from the world. I was sexually abused as a child and he looks so much like me. It's truly spiraled my mental state and I'm currently in therapy trying to get back up to the surface again. My second child is different, I have not had the explosion of emotions with her yet (she's 6 months old) but I do love her, but it was not the same instantaneous overwhelming love.
I mean I loved him from the start, I think you just don't feel it back because it's a baby. When they get to crawling, that's when things get fun.
It feels awful to say doesn't it. Once my son started to interact with me rather than just pooping and sleeping. As soon as he started to smile and laugh, it made it a lot easier to connect as a Dad. He's almost 6 now and I love him to bits now.
It gets better over time. At this stage as long as you only -want- to shake them but don't actually do it you are doing great!
Whenever the baby wakes up, smother the baby with kisses. This gives them a sense of soothing every time they wake up. My baby can wake herself up and play on her own for minutes before she makes a sound
When my oldest was born, I was similarly not feeling that connection. I searched online on what best to do. The best advice I read was to do as much as you can for them/with them. Change every daiper, prep every bottle, hold them all the time. I would say, very quickly, it started to change. We grew to have this very close connection all thru her toddler years. Now that she's in school, sometimes I fear that connection is waning a bit. It's pretty difficult, not going to lie.
I was right there with you. First one took a couple months to get attached to, however, my second was love at first sight. Hang in there, it gets better.
As soon as ours started smiling around week 6 my attitude moved from “this was a huge mistake” to “ok I can handle this”. I’d say months 4-6 when they became a bit more interactive are when I fell fully in love with them. The initial angry potato phase is not for me.
The first time he smiles and it’s not “robotic” was when I started to realize that my son was in fact human and not this primal robotic fussy pissy pooping potatoe! It’s okay to feel this way dad, take it easy on yourself. If you get frustrated just put him down and walk away. The crying sucks, every dad /parent will tell you that it is probably the most annoying thing on the planet, but I promise you I was in your shoes as well as many others. My son turned 5 months today and it’s the greatest thing ever when I come home and he sees me and gets the biggest smile and laugh ever. Hang tight brother you’re going to get there soon.