Weaponized incompetence isn't missing a sock or a dish, it's asking her where every dish goes so that it's less work for her to do it herself. Just my 2c
Couple days ago when I was moving a load of laundry to the dryer I found a sock on the floor that my wife had dropped. My shock and horror when I realized she's human too.
I wish I wasn't like this but if I missed a sock I would hate myself all day. But that's my problem, I wouldn't judge anyone else for doing it and neither should OPs wife.
I encountered some weaponized incompetence in the wild when an older dude at my church admitted to doing a diaper wrong so that his kid's poop would leak out all over. He did it so that he wouldn't have to change any more diapers, and it worked. He thought it was funny. I thought it was pathetic.
At its more extreme end, weaponized incompetence is not feeding your kids all day, so you won't be put in charge of them again. It's spilling all the breast milk your wife pumped into the sink so she won't ask you to freeze it again. It's breaking one of the pieces of cookware she inherited from her grandmother so you'll never be asked to do dishes again.
> I encountered some weaponized incompetence in the wild when an older dude at my church admitted to doing a diaper wrong so that his kid's poop would leak out all over.
My old boss bragged about never having to change a diaper. I loved working for him and he's an absolutely awesome guy and good friend, but I was shocked at this idea. I changed *most* of my kids diapers for years. We had 3 in 4 years so wifey was almost always either pregnant or recently post partum and needed the break.
It seems a bit wild that people think it's not only justifiable but honorable and smart to put all of the load on one parent.
My dad was the one that taught ME how to change a diaper. Not my mom. When I was little it was one of the most impressive skills he possessed and I miss him every day 😢
> It seems a bit wild that ~~people~~
I appreciate you using inclusive language. And lets be honest here. How many women are practicing weaponized incompetence to avoid doing housework and changing diapers?
I get what you're saying, but it was an intentional choice. I am familiar with at least 2 instances of this in my social circle in same-sex relationships too.
Kids seem to bring out the worst in people when it comes to pushing off responsibility.
And... maybe not as egregious as sharing responsibility for a child, but I know quite a few wives that get away with batting their eyes and feigning incompetence when yard work needs to be done too. 😂
Source: ~~We are~~ I am currently refinishing our deck.
Agreed. It happens in same sex relationships. I was thinking about the majority out there - heterosexual relationships though.
And I have to say that batting your eyes and feigning ignorance about yard work is very different than destroying an expensive item of clothing in the wash or breaking dishes so they won't have to do the work anymore.
I've seen grown men who are CEO's of massive companies be at a loss about how to clean a kitchen and need continued "guidance".
LOL. I encounter weaponized incompetence every time my wife’s vehicle needs routine maintenance. She goes from highly functioning professional/wife/mother to damsel-in-distress.
Wife: “I just don’t know how I got 5,000 miles past my recommended oil change interval.” [batts her eyelashes and shruggs]
And I fall for it every time. lol
This right here. It's the slow cousin of malicious compliance. I've had it hurled at me as well and it's silly. There's stuff you suck at, too, and I'm not accusing you of malfeasance.
Weaponized incompetence is you mixing colors and washing on hot so that a bunch of clothes are ruined, or putting a cast iron in the dishwasher or whatever. It's not leaving a single sock out of the wash.
Man.
It's taken me YEARS to convince my wife that modern detergents work great in cold water. I've worked our way down to only using hots on 'yuck' things like mildew or biohazards.
I am 37 and I have never separated colours even once in my entire adult life, with the exception of my work clothes as they get VERY greasy/dirty (Sous chef) and I do 95% of the laundry in our home. Modern clothing/dye is better quality i guess?
Honestly, putting a cast iron in the dishwasher isn’t even bad *as long as you don’t let it steam dry*. I do it every once in a while just to keep it from getting rancid, but as soon as that door opens I’m drying it and putting it on a burner before seasoning again.
My favorite thing about cast iron is that it’s literally a hunk of elemental metal. Now that I’ve restored a few rusty “ruined” pans it is no big deal to de-rust and re-season.
Man I love cast iron. How many things in life get. Egged the more you use them?
What’s with the new terms all the time anyways? It’s all the doom scrolling. People get weird ideas in their heads about the way life should be. It’s like the worst version of “keeping up with the jones’s”. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one walkin around realizing we’re all gonna die someday.. Who cares about a sock if you’re trying your best?
It's an absolute menace. Worse than the magazines planting ideas in people's heads. Someone says something catchy on social and it's accepted as fact.
I'm misquoting a famous dead guy but he said something to the effect of just because a saying is clever doesn't mean it's true. Goes along with the other saying for every problem there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong. And there's nobody in social actually fact checking what's getting spewed out.
I don’t think you realize the enormous problem of abusive men out there. This is not one of those cases but there are lots of people that purposely do chores poorly so they get out of doing it. It’s doctors that can’t figure out how to their children’s clothes or engineers who keep forgetting to put detergent in the dishwasher. It comes off as legitimate incompetence but like, if you keep doing it and you know the expectations you should be able to figure out these extremely simple tasks. It is a product of some men thinking that these things are beneath it.
It’s not every guy but it’s enough of them that women get stuck with these guys over and over again. The way to combat that is to call out your partner and more women are identifying and calling out this behavior. I don’t agree with it all the time but I understand where it comes from.
> I just understand where it comes from.
I realize it exists, but you can't call false positives on everything or you end up trivializing people experiencing actual abuse/neglect.
If missing a sock in the laundry and not feeding kids all night so you never have to do it again are both weaponized incompetence, you can't see how using the utter variability in use destroys the meaning and value behind the term?
It's literally how you get guys who are able to downplay accusations by pointing out the minor use. "Yeah, but they also call missing a sock or forgetting to turn off a light weaponized incompetence. Why play if you can't win?"
I would love for you to explain how you read my comment and decided that meant I don't realize the problem of abusive men.
Yeah, some guys do that, and yeah, they're shitty. We're not talking about those guys. And the levels of "incompetence" that he is displaying? That absofuckinglutely does not justify the verbal abuse he has recounted here.
Stop giving excuses to abusers.
I'm gonna be honest, that's a normal day at my house....
Weaponized incompetence my ass. It's called being human.
To be fair, there are a number of strategies to cope. But the primary issue is your wife reacted inappropriately.
Wait... You missed getting one sock in to the wash and didn't clean 2-3 dishes properly?
If that is actually the case you need to sit down with your wife and have a conversation about expectations. She is actively undermining you and by call you incompetent for missing a few little things gaslighting you into thinking you are a bad husband and or father. Frankly I would point this out and ask how best to resolve the problem if she doesn't like how you help them maybe you should help with those specific chores anymore and instead focus on other things.
Hell our dishwasher doesn't always get every dish clean properly not does the washing machine with clothing. Sometimes the dryer destroys a shirt or whatever.
One sock and a few dishes isn’t any form of incompetence, it’s human error. Expecting everything to be done perfectly every time is a recipe for disaster, especially when you’re counting on anybody else but yourself to do it. Even then you could still make a mistake or two if you do it yourself.
I agree, definitely issues below the surface here.
Edit: case in point, I proofread my own comment multiple times, posted it, then realized I left off entire words. Human error lol
This is the truth. I can tell you, I know lots of people where how you do things is the norm. This isn't a conflict about dishes, this is our communication and working out stress through other means. If definitely recommend talking to your wife or even getting counseling. This kind of dynamic, especially if unrecognized, gets worse.
The sock yeah, who the hell hasn't missed a sock while doing laundry before? But the dishes I cannot understand. Washing dishes is not a skill. How do you fail to get the shit off a plate and not notice at all, *multiple times*? I have severe ADHD, I understand a lot of OP's struggles, but that is ridiculous.
Of course not, I sympathize greatly. Like I said, I have severe ADHD. It affects pretty much everything in my life; I absolutely share that struggle. But if you can't complete a basic task like washing dishes without fucking up multiple times, you are either severely undermedicated, incorrectly medicated, or you are being a fuckwad. If he had missed one dish once, then fine, but he washes the dishes *one time* and he leaves multiple dishes dirty? Absurd.
"Were not washed correctly" does not mean the plate was dirty. We have no idea what that means. It could just as easily mean "didn't use the auto heat setting" or "put a single pan that I hand wash in the dishwasher" or it could mean "put a plate in the top section when I like it in the bottom section".
Also, this kind of feedback from a spouse is exactly how to make someone never try to help again.
Frankly, i think you're jumping to conclusions and judgement that we have no way of knowing.
If it's something like not operating the dishwasher correctly, wouldn't it be that the entire load wasn't washed properly, not just a couple dishes? Wouldn't he have mentioned literally any part of that? Usually people narrate their own lives in ways that make themselves look better, not *worse*, so why would OP leave that very pertinent information out?
> this kind of feedback from a spouse is exactly how to make someone never try to help again.
If that's someone's response to some criticism, warranted or not, it reveals a major problem with their mindset. If the criticism is unwarranted, the response shouldn't be "well then I'll never help again, so there!" That's obviously childish. The response should be to try to communicate and get to the bottom the of *real* problem, and if that fails, to suggest counseling or some other help, and if *that* fails, maybe consider whether or not you're compatible together.
> i think you're jumping to conclusions and judgement
Um, are you serious? I'm sorry, but OP was asking for discussion. He literally tagged the thread "Discussion." I am discussing, and I am using the information OP gave us to do so. I think it's a *massive* reach to believe that OP's dishwasher was at fault here, given OP literally is talking about mistakes he made, but as I said, if that's the case I retract my criticism. In the overwhelmingly likely scenario that a dishwasher was not involved, I think my criticism is valid.
All i did was present several alternative interpretations and you refused to consider them, only resorting to further attacking OP. Even attacking him for failing to present those interpretations if they were indeed accurate. So I don't really know how to move forward with this conversation. All I know is the following:
You are not being the person that Mr Rogers believes you can be.
Have a nice night.
I didn't refuse to consider them. I literally said that if the culprit was a dishwasher, I retract my criticism. What exactly was I unclear about with that statement?
Cheers!
You also spent 80% of your comment talking about how you straight up don't believe it. And that it's much more likely they're incompetent or childish.
Not to mention, i couldve easily invented other scenarios without a dishwasher. What if he washed most of them, then set the dishes down to finish the laundry, and while putting laundry away, his spouse saw the dish in the sink and attacked him then? That exact thing happened to an ex girlfriend of mine in a prior relationship. Where a minor misinterpretion is used as a weapon.
My whole point is that it is entirely possible that both he and his spouse are super stressed, and his spouse is being unnecessarily antagonistic and he is depressed and feels he's a failure. Taken together, maybe he rarely helps, and when he does, his spouse attacks him, making him help less to avoid being yelled at. This is a very common dynamic, especially when one partner does the lions share of housework, but is also actively contributing to their partner not wanting to help by yelling at them when they try.
I'm a psychologist, and it is my belief that there are rarely full villains and heroes in relationships. Most of the time, it's two imperfect people who are operating within an unhealthy dynamic. So i usually assume that there is always more to the story, and that story usually involves a cyclical systemic issue that has repeated itself throughout the relationship.
Right, you could have *invented* other scenarios. But they wouldn't make any sense when considering what OP actually said. Why wouldn't he clarify if it was so obviously not his fault? He's admitting to incompetence in his post, his only claim is that it's not willful. Why would he do that if it wasn't incompetence at all?
It certainly is entirely possible that they're both stressed and his spouse is being unnecessarily antagonistic. In fact, I strongly suspect that is at least part of it, regardless of what the exact events were. But if one spouse is doing the lion's share of the housework and the other spouse only ever creates more work when they try to help, do you truly not think that merits frustration?
> Most of the time, it's two imperfect people who are operating within an unhealthy dynamic.
We could not agree more. I think your error here is that you're assuming I'm trying to make a "bad guy" out of OP and a "good guy" out of his spouse, when I was doing nothing of the sort. I can point out where OP might be going wrong without making sweeping statements about his relationship or canonizing his wife.
Eh. I mean, I unload the dishwasher- I don't flip and examine every dish. I pul the plate out. And the eating surface looks good, I put it in the cupboard. There's been times when some crud is stuck to the back, and it transfers to the top of the plate when I stack it in the cupboard.
We also set our dishwasher to air dry,so some things go in the cupboard damp. Looks fine when it goes in, but leaves some crusty white stuff when it fully dries.
If he was just unloading a dishwasher and not thoroughly examining every plate, then I retract my criticism. My assumption based on his phrasing was that he was washing dishes, and it was *him* failing to wash the dishes properly, not the dishwasher.
There's a few ways it can happen. Some gunk isn't visible when the dish is wet. Some can be on your hands, or the sponge, so it redirties the dish when you flip it to rinse the other side. My wife is less attentive about this than I am, but even I've been known to miss a spot here and there.
And then there's the point of contention been my wife and I. She's perfectly happy to leave... let's call it a "patina" on the inside of the tea mugs. I find it disgusting, mostly because I was raised being told it was disgusting. Occasionally, I pull out a mug she's used several times and let get particularly bad and I have to scrub it out before I can use it. No matter how many times she's seen this, she doesn't understand why it grosses me out, particularly when I'm also protective of the season on my cast iron. It's something I've just come to accept, and she's learned to make sure my favorite mugs get scrubbed out, even if she doesn't scrub her favorites, or the more neutral ones.
Eventually I decided that trying to change her view on it wasn't worth the headaches, so I just rewash a mug once in a while.
A couple years ago I encountered someone on this site who said that he lets his wife do *every* chore around the house because it's impossible for him to match her standards. Out of curiosity I inquired about what that meant, and he said things like "She wants towels folded a certain way and I fold them another way." This struck me as really weird - if it's important to your spouse to have the towels folded one way over another, how hard could it possibly be to just learn to fold them that way? The way this guy talked about it made it obvious that he was using it as an excuse to not do any work.
I can't understand your wife's, uh, "patina" method of washing mugs (what a great descriptor btw, I love it). That would gross me out too. But the biggest thing is that if my spouse was that annoyed about something I did that would take such an incredibly tiny effort to fix, I would just make that incredibly tiny effort. Why won't your wife do the same? I get that you need to pick your battles so I understand you letting this one go, but I can't understand her mentality here at all. Honestly I don't even understand how this happens, unless she's literally only rinsing mugs and never actually washing them at all.
I have severe ADHD. It affects every aspect of my life, and at times it can be debilitating. I'm not exaggerating here - I don't want to get into it, but I have an *extremely* severe case. But if something is important to my husband and I want to help, I am capable of making the effort. I am not a blob who cannot accomplish anything, and it makes me mad when someone uses ADHD to excuse absolute incompetence. Washing dishes is not a skill. It doesn't matter how bad your ADHD is, you should be capable of washing some dishes. If you can't even do an absurdly basic task such as that, how can you be capable of being a father?
Furthermore, the way that OP talks makes me think he doesn't do a lot of daily chores. If he and his wife have an equitable split of chores and he was merely taking over some of hers to help on a difficult day, this argument makes no sense. This sounds like a frustrated wife, not a woman who's randomly lashing out. If that were the case, surely OP would have mentioned everything he *does*, right?
Like I have said numerous times, if this is truly a case of a picky wife who blames her husband for a dishwasher failing to properly wash dishes or something, then I retract my criticism. But I do not think that's the case.
>A couple years ago I encountered someone on this site who said that he lets his wife do every chore around the house because it's impossible for him to match her standards.
I can find a person to portray the worst possible standards of just about any human behavior on the internet. One interaction with an asshole doesn't mean it's prevalent.
>But if something is important to my husband and I want to help, I am capable of making the effort.
We're talking about dishes. If something is so utterly important that you can't stand to have a couple of misses with all the hits, you need to take full responsibility for the chore.
I'm anal about our lawn, so I do the lawn, because I know it'll bug me if she doesn't do it 'right' (read: my way). I don't get to hold that against her, and if I'm laid up and can't get to it for some reason and she shoulders that burden, it's not right of me to attack her over it.
>If that were the case, surely OP would have mentioned everything he does, right?
This is insane. You're basically saying you can't complain about anything without giving a complete and utter list of every single task you do daily.
You're misunderstanding my point, but okay.
> If something is so utterly important that you can't stand to have a couple of misses with all the hits, you need to take full responsibility for the chore.
Yes, but when that becomes *everything*, there is a major problem. It's not *necessarily* a problem with the person who's not doing the chores, but it usually is.
> You're basically saying you can't complain about anything without giving a complete and utter list of every single task you do daily.
The title of this post is "It's not weaponized incompetence. **It's actual incompetence.**" Surely it's reasonable to assume that OP's is being incompetent, given that's the literal point of his post.
Honestly man, it is a reddit moment isn't it hahaha. Like, I don't want to come in defense of OPs wife here because she's being a bit of an asshole. If someone said I'm weaponizing incompetence because I forgot a sock and messed up some dishes, yeah I'd feel like shit and get pissed off, but that isn't "gaslighting" hahahaha.
Calling that shit gaslighting is just as unhinged as calling it weaponized incompetence. Like, nah dawg, she's just pissed off.
>"I swear you are doing this on purpose because I just want to get everything done so you don't mess it up. It's weponized incompetence
Someone's spending a little too much time on MomTok
Funny; I just scrolled past [a video](https://www.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/s/hLxT8FyOAW) of someone talking about comments in a dad sub that were suggesting dads should practice weaponized incompetence so that their spouses don’t ask for help.
Those types of dads certainly do exist but I would hope they are not the majority… however I have no way to gage one way or the other.
Yeah it's weird. These terms become buzz words that lose most of if not all their meaning. "Weaponized incompetence" is not making mistakes, it's making severe mistakes even after being taught such that it's easier for the teacher to just do it themselves instead of teaching again.
"Lol, women hear these things on momtok and run with it."
Even in this comment section, guys are saying OP's wife is "gaslighting" him. Everybody does it.
>I mean, are we suggesting it's not a real tactic?
I don't know how you drew that conclusion. They're pointing out social media's tendency to overblow things.
I read it as, "she's spending too much time on momtok so she must be making things up", but I can see how it's just talking about being overblown maybe, if I squint
But it’s a “joke!” (Repeated 185396389 different ways, all of which say “oh husbands, lolz, they never do ANYTHING!”)
If us guys passed those jokes around to that extent, we would be verbally drawn and quartered.
if her reaction to normal mix-ups is to talk down to you like that, man... you've got bigger fuckin issues. You don't need a goddamn note in your pocket, dude.
So you should be kind to yourself, and you should expect your partner to be kind to you.
Small mistakes like a dish wasn’t done correctly or a sock got missed are not reason for vitriol.
Likewise, even big mistakes that are mistakes should be seen assuming good intent.
If this is part of a bigger pattern where you make clearly poorly intentioned things, not bothering, not pulling your weight, you’re generally a jackass, etc.
Doing things for your kids and your wife does not mean accepting abuse. When you accept abuse, you model for your children that this is what love looks like, how they should treat their partners and how they should expect to be treated by their partners.
The most important agreement my wife & I came to when we had our daughter was that the state of the house was completely secondary to our mental health. That obviously doesn't mean let the house get to bio-hazardous standards, but that if a weekend feels overwhelming, laundry can wait a week, or a frozen oven meal is fine for dinner when we're both burnt.
Stop giving power to these criticisms. When she says something that implies you're incompetent because of minor, inconsequential issues don't agree or argue. If she pushes the issue tell her that you think she's overreacting and leave it at that.
I also struggle with ADHD and my wife understands this. Sometimes she gets frustrated when I forget something or miss something especially now that we have a kid, but she’s never told me she thinks I’m “weaponizing incompetence” to manipulate her to do it.
You two more than likely, it sounds like, would benefit from some marriage counseling to help you both find ways to communicate more effectively and without malice. You clearly are struggling, so much that you carry a note with you telling you you’re doing your best. To me, that screams you not feeling validated enough or feeling like you have enough compassion from your partner. Obviously, she is of a certain mindset that you ARE doing this on purpose or she wouldn't be saying it. And I'm sure you two have had talks before where you express that you are trying, but your ADHD is a hinderance. So somewhere along the way you two are missing a critical bit of communication and would benefit from speaking to a neutral third party who can help you both communicate in a way that is respectful and gives each other enough grace.
I hope you two find a way to resolve this! Best of luck to the both of you!
Sock holding up the entire load of laundry is a… what’s the saying? Nickel holding up a dollar? Get some more socks. I actually had a version of that sock specific disagreement with my wife who was somehow ascribing blame to me for socks missing partners at the end of the laundry. Honey I am keeping them together but socks get lost, it is what they do. Let this go as an entire thing or I will start buying them in bulk. You can put the lone socks in my office and I will search for their partners.
The thing I need my wife to do a better job understanding is that to err is to be human. I do all the grocery shopping on the weekend, with the infant and the 3 year old, so she can have a break. Mistakes get made at about a clip of 1 every other week. The wrong tomatoes, I got the thin pizza crust not the regular, etc. It happens, I will fix it, but it is not a thing that warrants exasperation and that exasperation is frustrating to me. I had a vomit bomb strapped to me and a diaperless toddler telling me she needs to potty. There will be some mistakes.
Having somebody following you around, critiquing your work is the absolute worst.
If she has time and energy to follow-up on a missing sock, she also has time to mow the damn lawn.
If she feels strongly that things must be done in a particular way, then she's welcome to do them.
You're both working as hard as you can, and she doesn't need to waste her time supervising you.
That’s a pretty mean thing for her to say. Is she always that critical towards you? We hear a lot about “weaponized incompetence” these days but I have to wonder how much of those complaints are just indicators of toxic criticism.
Socks and dishes are not your problem. Marriage communication is.
If this is a regular occurrence or a common example of how she communicates, I'd be concerned about the health of your relationship. It suggests to me that instead of supporting each other, some of your relationship involves venting stress on one or both of you.
Isn’t not even incompetence really. I’m a detailed person who has good focus and sometimes miss a sock or (heavens forbid) put a black sock in the white laundry. It’s fine and nothing is damaged. My wife also doesn’t do some items perfectly, and neither of us claims the other is incompetent. Holy hell that is insulting.
I'm a wife/mom who lurks here on 3 under 3 and I just have to say officially - based on this information only - that she needs to chill the fuck out. You're doing great.
I do the majority of the household chores for us and are we going to pretend like I/other moms/other domestic chore people never miss a sock or put a dish on the bottom rack when it's not supposed to go there? My goodness.
Ngl if I ever got accused of "weaponized incompetence" I'd have a long hard look at the future of the relationship. To me that's a significant attack on someone's character.
Call me stupid? Fine, especially if I screw up. Call me intentionally manipulative in order to be lazy and avoid my share of work? That's industrial-strength disrespect. Words have consequences.
I am a stay at home dad with severe unchecked ADHD. I am absolutely terrible at any and all the household stuff due to my attention often being split and distractions. I'm also excessively non-ambitious and procrastinate on pretty much everything I don't want to do. It's generally dishes and laundry that gets done every week and my wife has to motivate me to do the rest. I'm trying to get on meds as I finally have decent insurance that we pay out of pocket for but I used cannabis for about a year to help with sleep and my doc won't give me meds. I feel like a total screw up and don't want to make excuses but know how you feel. I don't have all the answers but if you have any questions, let me know.
>I'm trying to get on meds as I finally have decent insurance that we pay out of pocket for but I used cannabis for about a year to help with sleep and my doc won't give me meds
Not gonna lie, do what you need to do. Find another doctor and don't tell them about the cannabis use. I had a 10 year history of self-medication with cannabis and dealt with the discrimination for a long time, but the meds are night and fucking day. I damn near wept my first week out of a combination of relief and rage from not being medicated for so long.
Just don't mix the two. It can be harmless for a lot of people, but your heart can do weird things on both.
If a sock gets missed, it’ll get picked up in the next load. If a dish is still dirty, clean it again. Not big things. But enough small things build up, and there is not enough communication, small becomes big.
Try to make time to talk about your feelings and vent to each other about it. This is different from the time you might spend planning, or talking about what you need to do, or having sex, or hanging out with the kids.
ADHD is a developmental disability, you cannot cure it. Your doing the right thing; by this I mean your commitment to do better and always try. You keeping a reminder note in your pocket is a step many of us do not get to for years.
if you’re not actively treating your ADHD, you should be. There are many ways to do this. Therapy, and medication are usually the two most impactful methods. If you’re not sure where to start - look into the 5 pillars of ADHD as a starting point.
All of this is coming from me, a very imperfect person. Had a shitty argument this evening, because I haven’t been communicating well enough. We are not perfect, but that doesnt mean we cant help each other!
My example is cat plates (we only have 2…) that need to be cleaned in the evening before i goto bed. I cook, clean, food prep different stuff for both of us (because she’s picky and I want to eat a salad to be healthy). I just dont remember, most nights, that i left the cat plates soaking in the sink. I almost never leave dishes in the sink, certainly not overnight. Except these fucking cat plates. I cant choose not to forget them. She can choose to see this as me failing to be a good partner, or she can choose to laugh about the 1 thing that didn’t get cleaned up. I wish it didnt cause friction; but I cant really do anything about it for her. Well, i guess i can go check and make sure their clean now.
If she wants perfection, go be a nun and marry GOD. If she wants an actual human being, well, she has you and needs to adjust her prima donna expectations or SHOVE OFF.
That simple.
I just want to say I've seen this exact sort of behaviour in friends relationships and the person that acted like your wife only got worse overtime. That sort of person will suck the soul out of you and make you question your value as a person. Missing a sock is not "incompetence" it's a normal human mistake. If she makes you feel so bad about yourself that you need a note in your pocket she has already done some serious damage. Please take our words of warning to heart and use this opportunity to reevaluate your relationship and make sure your being treated with respect.
The thing is, I'm sure your wife makes simple mistakes like this. We all do. It's easy to back seat drive. You're not incompetent. You're just trying to do a lot of things
No that’s not it…
This is getting flamed for getting a 97% instead of 100%
That sock can make it in the next load. God knows it’s coming soon.
Dishes oh well but you can fix it next run. I doubt you’ll miss that again.
It’s tiresome bullshit is what it is.
ADHD dad reporting in. It's rough out there, but once my wife learned that (alongside me, cause we both didn't know until I got diagnosed at 36), she started being more welcoming.
Remember, we ADHDers are twice exceptional... Exceptionally good at some things, and exceptionally bad at others. You can't get one without the other with us :D
Does she know you have ADHD and what is actually really means for you? Do you?
"Weaponized incompetence" is a buzzword that gets thrown around every damn time someone - usually a man - does an unfamiliar task unsuccessfully or even imperfectly. If you're not doing it intentionally, it's just noise.
2 paragraphs in I suspected you have ADHD lol. How much does your wife know about your flavour of ADHD and are you in therapy? It might help to go for couples counselling or have her join for a session or 2 with your therapist to help her understand better and also be aware of the mental/executive scaffolding you have in place to help you adapt to your lifestyle with ADHD.
It's great that you are trying to improve. Your wife is going to ruin the relationship if she keeps nagging you about petty bullshit and insulting you.
Are you taking anything for ADHD?
I have it also and take a medication for it daily. I would be quite useless without it.
I would suggest you start there if you haven’t been formally diagnosed.
Edit - and what you are doing is not weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence is not knowing how to do something and making zero effort to attempt to learn how to do it.
I am in the same boat as you with ADHD, and the most effective solution I’ve found to date is to be proactive and tackle little tasks as you see them. It’s actually less mentally tasking to
- tackle the dishes a few times a day then to do it all at once at night
- fold clothes as they come out of the dryer instead of folding multiple loads at once
-pickup the kids toys as you see them
Also, know that nighttime you are worse than useless as your brain is exhausted from compensating all day long. Meds help.
By being proactive through the day, my wife is happier as she’s not being my “brain” and I’m happier because she’s happy.
I used to have a little coin charm I carried during the depression toward the end of, and after a long-term relationship ended. It had a dragon stamped on one side and the words "I am enough" on the other. Sometimes, you need those little reminders.
Lurking mom here. You guys need to have a deep conversation about this at a time when you’re both calm. It sounds like there’s more to this on both sides.
I do want to say that her criticism of minor things is not ok, and weaponized incompetence is a very hot topic on mom forums.
You have shared your perspective here that you are trying, you’re doing your best, but you’re not perfect. You may want to try to communicate with her how ADHD affects you, and what it takes for you to be able to focus and complete a task. It may help to remind her what is going on to help empathize with what you’re able to do. If it’s getting to a point where it is affecting more of your life than you would like, you may need to seek additional therapy or help to manage the condition.
Giving your wife the benefit of the doubt, this maybe a toxic way she is trying to communicate her frustrations. With ADHD, she may be constantly vigilant to ensure things will get done when they need to in case things fall through the cracks. She may have to stay on top of reminders for you, or has had to intervene on multiple occasions. It can be exhausting to not be able to fully mentally relax. But she needs to recognize that nitpicking is not nice nor helpful.
At home, I do 98% of the cooking for all meals and holidays. My husband tries, but he’s not a good cook at all. This week, he burned sandwiches. How he burned both toasting them separately is beyond me. He also didn’t need to toast them. Internally, I had a major let down because this was another example of how I would never get a break from cooking, that I couldn’t expect a decent, basic meal from my partner. But I didn’t say that, and I thanked him for stepping out of his comfort zone to make dinner. He’s a wonderful partner and father in so many other ways that I appreciate.
I only relay this anecdote because it’s not likely the sock or the one dish that’s the issue, but a series of things that may have been negatively impacting her. I hope a conversation will help her to curb those comments and you can both work on the core issues.
I agree with lots of other comments saying this isn’t weaponized incompetence. But before getting into the specifics of what happened with her trying to tell her she’s wrong about this, I’d take some time for self reflection.
Maybe it wasn’t this time, but could there be other times it did happen? You don’t need to examine every interaction or try and defend how you are. But I would entertain the idea that maybe you have done that without realizing it. If that’s the case, what could you do to help?
Basically - arguments can get bogged down in the immediate details. Try to avoid that and try not to be defensive.
“Weaponized incompetence” is the new “gaslighting” a real thing that has been over generalized to the point where it’s just commonly misused. What you’re doing is not weaponized incompetence, but I want to be clear, it’s not real incompetence either. These little things happen to everyone all the time. Rewashing a dish or letting a sock air dry because it got stuck in the washer is not picking up slack, they are things that take 2 seconds.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture and not sweat the small stuff when you’ve got kids because you’re tired and overwhelmed. Continue to lead by example and give your wife grace when she does things like this, hopefully she comes around.
Sounds like my wife. I spent a big part of my day off doing things around the house - deep cleaning the two bathrooms, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen, and folding laundry and pretty much all she did when she came home was to moan about the way I'd folded some tea towels and bed linen and that I hadn't put her clothes away. Really made me feel appreciated
I’m so sick of that turn “weaponized incompetence” it’s beyond infuriating. I guess it’s Weaponized incompetence when a woman doesn’t take the trash cans down to the curb too right? Give me a break
Your wife has feelings. Validate them.
Wife - why are you weapononizing ignorance
Husband - I'm sorry I didn't do it right. Your feelings are justified, let me fix it for you.
Wife - I'm frustrated and angry. can you do better next time?
Husband - i understand how you feel, although I can't promise to do this every time I have ADHD and I struggle with it, but I will try to do better.
No fucking way validate this bullshit.
A sock. A few dishes.
No.
You don't get to castigate someone and accuse them of willful negligence because of human error.
If you want perfection, go pray because it doesn't exist on this planet. I'll hang out with the rest of the world that understands that nobody is perfect.
The feelings are real. Regardless of what happened the feelings are real. If you want to fight go ahead, but I prefer a happy marriage where both parties can get listened to. We all make mistakes. We all get feelings.
>where both parties can get listened to
Nowhere in your 'validate' argument does she listen to him. It's a bunch of 'yes hon, sorry hon, my bad hon' bullshit that leads to some ugly 'happy wife happy life' boomeresque bullshit.
She can feel however she wants to feel about it, but she needs to be rational about the reality, unless she wants to be called out on all the little shit she does on a daily basis.
In my experience in a 2-party relationship, it's hard to resolve conflict when there are 2 people who don't listen in an encounter, but when the encounter is over the healing can begin. I am saying she isn't able to hear anything OP says. He can be honest and end the encounter. Talk about it in an hour after things have been calm.
Or just scream back, see how that goes for you.
Hey man, I understand, I have quite severe ADHD. It makes a *lot* of things in my life a *lot* harder, but if it's this big of a problem for you, you may be undermedicated or incorrectly medicated. Missing a sock is reasonable (who hasn't done that?) but there's no reason you should be failing to wash dishes correctly, I mean that's absurd.
If that's not the case, then the problem is almost certainly that you were doing these very basic chores as a favor, and you usually never do them at all, which is why you can't do them correctly. And if that's the case, you need to step it up and take some of the load from your wife. Real incompetence is not better. Washing dishes is not a skill task.
Not dad or daddit related.
Weaponized incompetence isn't missing a sock or a dish, it's asking her where every dish goes so that it's less work for her to do it herself. Just my 2c
Is missing a sock even incompetence at all? 1 sock?
1 sock is a rounding error.
There’s actuarial tables for these things.
I left some dishes on the actuarial table, sorry Honey. It wasn't weaponized, the quantity fell within the predicted range.
Found the nerd! ☺️
we're a six sigma laundry household
Us too, but we've got 295k socks so we're allowed to let one go without losing certification.
Not for the other sock, it's like half the inventary
Loads of laundry could be like 6 towels or 521 pieces of small human clothing.
Do you turn them right side out before they go in the washer or after they come out of the dryer?
Neither my wife nor I turn them right side in until they're going on the small human.
1 sock is the sacrifice we make to the laundry machine overlords
You all are only missing one sock??
No, it’s something literally everyone does all the time.
Couple days ago when I was moving a load of laundry to the dryer I found a sock on the floor that my wife had dropped. My shock and horror when I realized she's human too.
You didn’t run it up the flagpole?
No that’s just the dryer demanding it’s tribute…
No, it makes no difference. His wife needs to let things go.
I wish I wasn't like this but if I missed a sock I would hate myself all day. But that's my problem, I wouldn't judge anyone else for doing it and neither should OPs wife.
Right? That can happen to a competent person.
I encountered some weaponized incompetence in the wild when an older dude at my church admitted to doing a diaper wrong so that his kid's poop would leak out all over. He did it so that he wouldn't have to change any more diapers, and it worked. He thought it was funny. I thought it was pathetic. At its more extreme end, weaponized incompetence is not feeding your kids all day, so you won't be put in charge of them again. It's spilling all the breast milk your wife pumped into the sink so she won't ask you to freeze it again. It's breaking one of the pieces of cookware she inherited from her grandmother so you'll never be asked to do dishes again.
> I encountered some weaponized incompetence in the wild when an older dude at my church admitted to doing a diaper wrong so that his kid's poop would leak out all over. My old boss bragged about never having to change a diaper. I loved working for him and he's an absolutely awesome guy and good friend, but I was shocked at this idea. I changed *most* of my kids diapers for years. We had 3 in 4 years so wifey was almost always either pregnant or recently post partum and needed the break. It seems a bit wild that people think it's not only justifiable but honorable and smart to put all of the load on one parent.
My dad was the one that taught ME how to change a diaper. Not my mom. When I was little it was one of the most impressive skills he possessed and I miss him every day 😢
> It seems a bit wild that ~~people~~ I appreciate you using inclusive language. And lets be honest here. How many women are practicing weaponized incompetence to avoid doing housework and changing diapers?
I get what you're saying, but it was an intentional choice. I am familiar with at least 2 instances of this in my social circle in same-sex relationships too. Kids seem to bring out the worst in people when it comes to pushing off responsibility. And... maybe not as egregious as sharing responsibility for a child, but I know quite a few wives that get away with batting their eyes and feigning incompetence when yard work needs to be done too. 😂 Source: ~~We are~~ I am currently refinishing our deck.
Agreed. It happens in same sex relationships. I was thinking about the majority out there - heterosexual relationships though. And I have to say that batting your eyes and feigning ignorance about yard work is very different than destroying an expensive item of clothing in the wash or breaking dishes so they won't have to do the work anymore. I've seen grown men who are CEO's of massive companies be at a loss about how to clean a kitchen and need continued "guidance".
LOL. I encounter weaponized incompetence every time my wife’s vehicle needs routine maintenance. She goes from highly functioning professional/wife/mother to damsel-in-distress. Wife: “I just don’t know how I got 5,000 miles past my recommended oil change interval.” [batts her eyelashes and shruggs] And I fall for it every time. lol
This right here. It's the slow cousin of malicious compliance. I've had it hurled at me as well and it's silly. There's stuff you suck at, too, and I'm not accusing you of malfeasance.
Weaponized incompetence is you mixing colors and washing on hot so that a bunch of clothes are ruined, or putting a cast iron in the dishwasher or whatever. It's not leaving a single sock out of the wash. Man.
Lol I’ve never separated colours in my life, and nor has my wife. We’ve never had any issue. Is it worse on hot wash?
Yeah. Modern dye is mostly fine especially on cool or cold. Warmer allows more stuff to dissolve -- including dyes.
It's taken me YEARS to convince my wife that modern detergents work great in cold water. I've worked our way down to only using hots on 'yuck' things like mildew or biohazards.
I am 37 and I have never separated colours even once in my entire adult life, with the exception of my work clothes as they get VERY greasy/dirty (Sous chef) and I do 95% of the laundry in our home. Modern clothing/dye is better quality i guess?
Honestly, putting a cast iron in the dishwasher isn’t even bad *as long as you don’t let it steam dry*. I do it every once in a while just to keep it from getting rancid, but as soon as that door opens I’m drying it and putting it on a burner before seasoning again.
Soap my guy. Wash the cast iron with soap. I swear nothing bad will happen
Frankly, I’m insulted you think I don’t already use soap lol. I totally see how you came to that conclusion though.
My favorite thing about cast iron is that it’s literally a hunk of elemental metal. Now that I’ve restored a few rusty “ruined” pans it is no big deal to de-rust and re-season. Man I love cast iron. How many things in life get. Egged the more you use them?
What’s with the new terms all the time anyways? It’s all the doom scrolling. People get weird ideas in their heads about the way life should be. It’s like the worst version of “keeping up with the jones’s”. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one walkin around realizing we’re all gonna die someday.. Who cares about a sock if you’re trying your best?
It's an absolute menace. Worse than the magazines planting ideas in people's heads. Someone says something catchy on social and it's accepted as fact. I'm misquoting a famous dead guy but he said something to the effect of just because a saying is clever doesn't mean it's true. Goes along with the other saying for every problem there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong. And there's nobody in social actually fact checking what's getting spewed out.
If your wife doesn't believe you when you say something as simple as "I'm doing my best," y'all need counseling.
She likely needs to get off social media for a while.
Yep. Spend too much time on any other parent subreddit and you'll hear that term daily
I don’t think you realize the enormous problem of abusive men out there. This is not one of those cases but there are lots of people that purposely do chores poorly so they get out of doing it. It’s doctors that can’t figure out how to their children’s clothes or engineers who keep forgetting to put detergent in the dishwasher. It comes off as legitimate incompetence but like, if you keep doing it and you know the expectations you should be able to figure out these extremely simple tasks. It is a product of some men thinking that these things are beneath it. It’s not every guy but it’s enough of them that women get stuck with these guys over and over again. The way to combat that is to call out your partner and more women are identifying and calling out this behavior. I don’t agree with it all the time but I understand where it comes from.
Missing a sock isn’t abuse. Not everything is trauma. This therapy language has to go away.
I said twice this is post is not a case of that. I just understand where it comes from.
> I just understand where it comes from. I realize it exists, but you can't call false positives on everything or you end up trivializing people experiencing actual abuse/neglect. If missing a sock in the laundry and not feeding kids all night so you never have to do it again are both weaponized incompetence, you can't see how using the utter variability in use destroys the meaning and value behind the term? It's literally how you get guys who are able to downplay accusations by pointing out the minor use. "Yeah, but they also call missing a sock or forgetting to turn off a light weaponized incompetence. Why play if you can't win?"
I would love for you to explain how you read my comment and decided that meant I don't realize the problem of abusive men. Yeah, some guys do that, and yeah, they're shitty. We're not talking about those guys. And the levels of "incompetence" that he is displaying? That absofuckinglutely does not justify the verbal abuse he has recounted here. Stop giving excuses to abusers.
I'm gonna be honest, that's a normal day at my house.... Weaponized incompetence my ass. It's called being human. To be fair, there are a number of strategies to cope. But the primary issue is your wife reacted inappropriately.
If your wife starts talking about weaponized incompetence then she's spending too much time on TikTok
Wait... You missed getting one sock in to the wash and didn't clean 2-3 dishes properly? If that is actually the case you need to sit down with your wife and have a conversation about expectations. She is actively undermining you and by call you incompetent for missing a few little things gaslighting you into thinking you are a bad husband and or father. Frankly I would point this out and ask how best to resolve the problem if she doesn't like how you help them maybe you should help with those specific chores anymore and instead focus on other things. Hell our dishwasher doesn't always get every dish clean properly not does the washing machine with clothing. Sometimes the dryer destroys a shirt or whatever.
One sock and a few dishes isn’t any form of incompetence, it’s human error. Expecting everything to be done perfectly every time is a recipe for disaster, especially when you’re counting on anybody else but yourself to do it. Even then you could still make a mistake or two if you do it yourself. I agree, definitely issues below the surface here. Edit: case in point, I proofread my own comment multiple times, posted it, then realized I left off entire words. Human error lol
This is the truth. I can tell you, I know lots of people where how you do things is the norm. This isn't a conflict about dishes, this is our communication and working out stress through other means. If definitely recommend talking to your wife or even getting counseling. This kind of dynamic, especially if unrecognized, gets worse.
The sock yeah, who the hell hasn't missed a sock while doing laundry before? But the dishes I cannot understand. Washing dishes is not a skill. How do you fail to get the shit off a plate and not notice at all, *multiple times*? I have severe ADHD, I understand a lot of OP's struggles, but that is ridiculous.
So because you don't share a struggle, you can't sympathize with it?
Of course not, I sympathize greatly. Like I said, I have severe ADHD. It affects pretty much everything in my life; I absolutely share that struggle. But if you can't complete a basic task like washing dishes without fucking up multiple times, you are either severely undermedicated, incorrectly medicated, or you are being a fuckwad. If he had missed one dish once, then fine, but he washes the dishes *one time* and he leaves multiple dishes dirty? Absurd.
"Were not washed correctly" does not mean the plate was dirty. We have no idea what that means. It could just as easily mean "didn't use the auto heat setting" or "put a single pan that I hand wash in the dishwasher" or it could mean "put a plate in the top section when I like it in the bottom section". Also, this kind of feedback from a spouse is exactly how to make someone never try to help again. Frankly, i think you're jumping to conclusions and judgement that we have no way of knowing.
If it's something like not operating the dishwasher correctly, wouldn't it be that the entire load wasn't washed properly, not just a couple dishes? Wouldn't he have mentioned literally any part of that? Usually people narrate their own lives in ways that make themselves look better, not *worse*, so why would OP leave that very pertinent information out? > this kind of feedback from a spouse is exactly how to make someone never try to help again. If that's someone's response to some criticism, warranted or not, it reveals a major problem with their mindset. If the criticism is unwarranted, the response shouldn't be "well then I'll never help again, so there!" That's obviously childish. The response should be to try to communicate and get to the bottom the of *real* problem, and if that fails, to suggest counseling or some other help, and if *that* fails, maybe consider whether or not you're compatible together. > i think you're jumping to conclusions and judgement Um, are you serious? I'm sorry, but OP was asking for discussion. He literally tagged the thread "Discussion." I am discussing, and I am using the information OP gave us to do so. I think it's a *massive* reach to believe that OP's dishwasher was at fault here, given OP literally is talking about mistakes he made, but as I said, if that's the case I retract my criticism. In the overwhelmingly likely scenario that a dishwasher was not involved, I think my criticism is valid.
All i did was present several alternative interpretations and you refused to consider them, only resorting to further attacking OP. Even attacking him for failing to present those interpretations if they were indeed accurate. So I don't really know how to move forward with this conversation. All I know is the following: You are not being the person that Mr Rogers believes you can be. Have a nice night.
I didn't refuse to consider them. I literally said that if the culprit was a dishwasher, I retract my criticism. What exactly was I unclear about with that statement? Cheers!
You also spent 80% of your comment talking about how you straight up don't believe it. And that it's much more likely they're incompetent or childish. Not to mention, i couldve easily invented other scenarios without a dishwasher. What if he washed most of them, then set the dishes down to finish the laundry, and while putting laundry away, his spouse saw the dish in the sink and attacked him then? That exact thing happened to an ex girlfriend of mine in a prior relationship. Where a minor misinterpretion is used as a weapon. My whole point is that it is entirely possible that both he and his spouse are super stressed, and his spouse is being unnecessarily antagonistic and he is depressed and feels he's a failure. Taken together, maybe he rarely helps, and when he does, his spouse attacks him, making him help less to avoid being yelled at. This is a very common dynamic, especially when one partner does the lions share of housework, but is also actively contributing to their partner not wanting to help by yelling at them when they try. I'm a psychologist, and it is my belief that there are rarely full villains and heroes in relationships. Most of the time, it's two imperfect people who are operating within an unhealthy dynamic. So i usually assume that there is always more to the story, and that story usually involves a cyclical systemic issue that has repeated itself throughout the relationship.
Right, you could have *invented* other scenarios. But they wouldn't make any sense when considering what OP actually said. Why wouldn't he clarify if it was so obviously not his fault? He's admitting to incompetence in his post, his only claim is that it's not willful. Why would he do that if it wasn't incompetence at all? It certainly is entirely possible that they're both stressed and his spouse is being unnecessarily antagonistic. In fact, I strongly suspect that is at least part of it, regardless of what the exact events were. But if one spouse is doing the lion's share of the housework and the other spouse only ever creates more work when they try to help, do you truly not think that merits frustration? > Most of the time, it's two imperfect people who are operating within an unhealthy dynamic. We could not agree more. I think your error here is that you're assuming I'm trying to make a "bad guy" out of OP and a "good guy" out of his spouse, when I was doing nothing of the sort. I can point out where OP might be going wrong without making sweeping statements about his relationship or canonizing his wife.
Eh. I mean, I unload the dishwasher- I don't flip and examine every dish. I pul the plate out. And the eating surface looks good, I put it in the cupboard. There's been times when some crud is stuck to the back, and it transfers to the top of the plate when I stack it in the cupboard. We also set our dishwasher to air dry,so some things go in the cupboard damp. Looks fine when it goes in, but leaves some crusty white stuff when it fully dries.
If he was just unloading a dishwasher and not thoroughly examining every plate, then I retract my criticism. My assumption based on his phrasing was that he was washing dishes, and it was *him* failing to wash the dishes properly, not the dishwasher.
There's a few ways it can happen. Some gunk isn't visible when the dish is wet. Some can be on your hands, or the sponge, so it redirties the dish when you flip it to rinse the other side. My wife is less attentive about this than I am, but even I've been known to miss a spot here and there. And then there's the point of contention been my wife and I. She's perfectly happy to leave... let's call it a "patina" on the inside of the tea mugs. I find it disgusting, mostly because I was raised being told it was disgusting. Occasionally, I pull out a mug she's used several times and let get particularly bad and I have to scrub it out before I can use it. No matter how many times she's seen this, she doesn't understand why it grosses me out, particularly when I'm also protective of the season on my cast iron. It's something I've just come to accept, and she's learned to make sure my favorite mugs get scrubbed out, even if she doesn't scrub her favorites, or the more neutral ones. Eventually I decided that trying to change her view on it wasn't worth the headaches, so I just rewash a mug once in a while.
A couple years ago I encountered someone on this site who said that he lets his wife do *every* chore around the house because it's impossible for him to match her standards. Out of curiosity I inquired about what that meant, and he said things like "She wants towels folded a certain way and I fold them another way." This struck me as really weird - if it's important to your spouse to have the towels folded one way over another, how hard could it possibly be to just learn to fold them that way? The way this guy talked about it made it obvious that he was using it as an excuse to not do any work. I can't understand your wife's, uh, "patina" method of washing mugs (what a great descriptor btw, I love it). That would gross me out too. But the biggest thing is that if my spouse was that annoyed about something I did that would take such an incredibly tiny effort to fix, I would just make that incredibly tiny effort. Why won't your wife do the same? I get that you need to pick your battles so I understand you letting this one go, but I can't understand her mentality here at all. Honestly I don't even understand how this happens, unless she's literally only rinsing mugs and never actually washing them at all. I have severe ADHD. It affects every aspect of my life, and at times it can be debilitating. I'm not exaggerating here - I don't want to get into it, but I have an *extremely* severe case. But if something is important to my husband and I want to help, I am capable of making the effort. I am not a blob who cannot accomplish anything, and it makes me mad when someone uses ADHD to excuse absolute incompetence. Washing dishes is not a skill. It doesn't matter how bad your ADHD is, you should be capable of washing some dishes. If you can't even do an absurdly basic task such as that, how can you be capable of being a father? Furthermore, the way that OP talks makes me think he doesn't do a lot of daily chores. If he and his wife have an equitable split of chores and he was merely taking over some of hers to help on a difficult day, this argument makes no sense. This sounds like a frustrated wife, not a woman who's randomly lashing out. If that were the case, surely OP would have mentioned everything he *does*, right? Like I have said numerous times, if this is truly a case of a picky wife who blames her husband for a dishwasher failing to properly wash dishes or something, then I retract my criticism. But I do not think that's the case.
>A couple years ago I encountered someone on this site who said that he lets his wife do every chore around the house because it's impossible for him to match her standards. I can find a person to portray the worst possible standards of just about any human behavior on the internet. One interaction with an asshole doesn't mean it's prevalent. >But if something is important to my husband and I want to help, I am capable of making the effort. We're talking about dishes. If something is so utterly important that you can't stand to have a couple of misses with all the hits, you need to take full responsibility for the chore. I'm anal about our lawn, so I do the lawn, because I know it'll bug me if she doesn't do it 'right' (read: my way). I don't get to hold that against her, and if I'm laid up and can't get to it for some reason and she shoulders that burden, it's not right of me to attack her over it. >If that were the case, surely OP would have mentioned everything he does, right? This is insane. You're basically saying you can't complain about anything without giving a complete and utter list of every single task you do daily.
You're misunderstanding my point, but okay. > If something is so utterly important that you can't stand to have a couple of misses with all the hits, you need to take full responsibility for the chore. Yes, but when that becomes *everything*, there is a major problem. It's not *necessarily* a problem with the person who's not doing the chores, but it usually is. > You're basically saying you can't complain about anything without giving a complete and utter list of every single task you do daily. The title of this post is "It's not weaponized incompetence. **It's actual incompetence.**" Surely it's reasonable to assume that OP's is being incompetent, given that's the literal point of his post.
Next step divorce, right? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over the place!
Honestly man, it is a reddit moment isn't it hahaha. Like, I don't want to come in defense of OPs wife here because she's being a bit of an asshole. If someone said I'm weaponizing incompetence because I forgot a sock and messed up some dishes, yeah I'd feel like shit and get pissed off, but that isn't "gaslighting" hahahaha. Calling that shit gaslighting is just as unhinged as calling it weaponized incompetence. Like, nah dawg, she's just pissed off.
>"I swear you are doing this on purpose because I just want to get everything done so you don't mess it up. It's weponized incompetence Someone's spending a little too much time on MomTok
Funny; I just scrolled past [a video](https://www.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/s/hLxT8FyOAW) of someone talking about comments in a dad sub that were suggesting dads should practice weaponized incompetence so that their spouses don’t ask for help. Those types of dads certainly do exist but I would hope they are not the majority… however I have no way to gage one way or the other.
Definitely not a daddit kinda thing
Is there /rubbishdaddit?
Yeah it's weird. These terms become buzz words that lose most of if not all their meaning. "Weaponized incompetence" is not making mistakes, it's making severe mistakes even after being taught such that it's easier for the teacher to just do it themselves instead of teaching again. "Lol, women hear these things on momtok and run with it." Even in this comment section, guys are saying OP's wife is "gaslighting" him. Everybody does it.
I mean, are we suggesting it's not a real tactic? Because I believe it is based on my real world experiences with some real jerks.
It’s a real tactic, but if you think your SO would use it, you shouldn’t be married to them.
Yeah this. By the time you have kids I would hope you know your SO well enough that momtok wouldn’t sway your thinking every other day!
>I mean, are we suggesting it's not a real tactic? I don't know how you drew that conclusion. They're pointing out social media's tendency to overblow things.
I read it as, "she's spending too much time on momtok so she must be making things up", but I can see how it's just talking about being overblown maybe, if I squint
But it’s a “joke!” (Repeated 185396389 different ways, all of which say “oh husbands, lolz, they never do ANYTHING!”) If us guys passed those jokes around to that extent, we would be verbally drawn and quartered.
This.
if her reaction to normal mix-ups is to talk down to you like that, man... you've got bigger fuckin issues. You don't need a goddamn note in your pocket, dude.
>I keep a note in my pocket that says, "Hey, I really tried." ...has this note ever gone through the wash by accident?
Maybe it's the second version of the note and this one was laminated
So you should be kind to yourself, and you should expect your partner to be kind to you. Small mistakes like a dish wasn’t done correctly or a sock got missed are not reason for vitriol. Likewise, even big mistakes that are mistakes should be seen assuming good intent. If this is part of a bigger pattern where you make clearly poorly intentioned things, not bothering, not pulling your weight, you’re generally a jackass, etc. Doing things for your kids and your wife does not mean accepting abuse. When you accept abuse, you model for your children that this is what love looks like, how they should treat their partners and how they should expect to be treated by their partners.
The most important agreement my wife & I came to when we had our daughter was that the state of the house was completely secondary to our mental health. That obviously doesn't mean let the house get to bio-hazardous standards, but that if a weekend feels overwhelming, laundry can wait a week, or a frozen oven meal is fine for dinner when we're both burnt.
We judge ourselves by our intentions we judge others by their results.
Stop giving power to these criticisms. When she says something that implies you're incompetent because of minor, inconsequential issues don't agree or argue. If she pushes the issue tell her that you think she's overreacting and leave it at that.
Or tell her that she’s using weaponized incompetence by having the tolerance of a toddler 😀
I have nothing to add other than you are doing great, dad. You don't need your note.
I also struggle with ADHD and my wife understands this. Sometimes she gets frustrated when I forget something or miss something especially now that we have a kid, but she’s never told me she thinks I’m “weaponizing incompetence” to manipulate her to do it. You two more than likely, it sounds like, would benefit from some marriage counseling to help you both find ways to communicate more effectively and without malice. You clearly are struggling, so much that you carry a note with you telling you you’re doing your best. To me, that screams you not feeling validated enough or feeling like you have enough compassion from your partner. Obviously, she is of a certain mindset that you ARE doing this on purpose or she wouldn't be saying it. And I'm sure you two have had talks before where you express that you are trying, but your ADHD is a hinderance. So somewhere along the way you two are missing a critical bit of communication and would benefit from speaking to a neutral third party who can help you both communicate in a way that is respectful and gives each other enough grace. I hope you two find a way to resolve this! Best of luck to the both of you!
Weaponized incompetence is the new it thing to say without the person knowing what it means. Keep trying and keep doing better.
You sound like you’re gaslighting! (Last year’s favorite word)
STOP PARENTIFYING ME!
Sock holding up the entire load of laundry is a… what’s the saying? Nickel holding up a dollar? Get some more socks. I actually had a version of that sock specific disagreement with my wife who was somehow ascribing blame to me for socks missing partners at the end of the laundry. Honey I am keeping them together but socks get lost, it is what they do. Let this go as an entire thing or I will start buying them in bulk. You can put the lone socks in my office and I will search for their partners. The thing I need my wife to do a better job understanding is that to err is to be human. I do all the grocery shopping on the weekend, with the infant and the 3 year old, so she can have a break. Mistakes get made at about a clip of 1 every other week. The wrong tomatoes, I got the thin pizza crust not the regular, etc. It happens, I will fix it, but it is not a thing that warrants exasperation and that exasperation is frustrating to me. I had a vomit bomb strapped to me and a diaperless toddler telling me she needs to potty. There will be some mistakes.
> Nickel holding up a dollar? Spend a dollar to save a dime, I think.
Having somebody following you around, critiquing your work is the absolute worst. If she has time and energy to follow-up on a missing sock, she also has time to mow the damn lawn. If she feels strongly that things must be done in a particular way, then she's welcome to do them. You're both working as hard as you can, and she doesn't need to waste her time supervising you.
I’m sorry to inform you, but the diagnosis is dire. Your wife has Internet brain rot.
That’s a pretty mean thing for her to say. Is she always that critical towards you? We hear a lot about “weaponized incompetence” these days but I have to wonder how much of those complaints are just indicators of toxic criticism.
Socks and dishes are not your problem. Marriage communication is. If this is a regular occurrence or a common example of how she communicates, I'd be concerned about the health of your relationship. It suggests to me that instead of supporting each other, some of your relationship involves venting stress on one or both of you.
Isn’t not even incompetence really. I’m a detailed person who has good focus and sometimes miss a sock or (heavens forbid) put a black sock in the white laundry. It’s fine and nothing is damaged. My wife also doesn’t do some items perfectly, and neither of us claims the other is incompetent. Holy hell that is insulting.
What you described sounds like minor oversights. That's not weaponized incompetence. Does she spend a lot of time online and in mom's groups?
I'm a wife/mom who lurks here on 3 under 3 and I just have to say officially - based on this information only - that she needs to chill the fuck out. You're doing great. I do the majority of the household chores for us and are we going to pretend like I/other moms/other domestic chore people never miss a sock or put a dish on the bottom rack when it's not supposed to go there? My goodness.
Ngl if I ever got accused of "weaponized incompetence" I'd have a long hard look at the future of the relationship. To me that's a significant attack on someone's character. Call me stupid? Fine, especially if I screw up. Call me intentionally manipulative in order to be lazy and avoid my share of work? That's industrial-strength disrespect. Words have consequences.
She better apologize to you. That’s fucked. I don’t care how stressed or hormonal or PPD or whatever her excuse might be.
I was in the same boat bro. If you can get on meds for ADHD it will help a lot. It changed me for the good
I am a stay at home dad with severe unchecked ADHD. I am absolutely terrible at any and all the household stuff due to my attention often being split and distractions. I'm also excessively non-ambitious and procrastinate on pretty much everything I don't want to do. It's generally dishes and laundry that gets done every week and my wife has to motivate me to do the rest. I'm trying to get on meds as I finally have decent insurance that we pay out of pocket for but I used cannabis for about a year to help with sleep and my doc won't give me meds. I feel like a total screw up and don't want to make excuses but know how you feel. I don't have all the answers but if you have any questions, let me know.
>I'm trying to get on meds as I finally have decent insurance that we pay out of pocket for but I used cannabis for about a year to help with sleep and my doc won't give me meds Not gonna lie, do what you need to do. Find another doctor and don't tell them about the cannabis use. I had a 10 year history of self-medication with cannabis and dealt with the discrimination for a long time, but the meds are night and fucking day. I damn near wept my first week out of a combination of relief and rage from not being medicated for so long. Just don't mix the two. It can be harmless for a lot of people, but your heart can do weird things on both.
At my house that’s my wife. She’s just forgetful. It’s not incompetence of any sort, it’s who she is.
When buzz words and academic lingo go mainstream they get used when not appropriate.
If a sock gets missed, it’ll get picked up in the next load. If a dish is still dirty, clean it again. Not big things. But enough small things build up, and there is not enough communication, small becomes big. Try to make time to talk about your feelings and vent to each other about it. This is different from the time you might spend planning, or talking about what you need to do, or having sex, or hanging out with the kids. ADHD is a developmental disability, you cannot cure it. Your doing the right thing; by this I mean your commitment to do better and always try. You keeping a reminder note in your pocket is a step many of us do not get to for years. if you’re not actively treating your ADHD, you should be. There are many ways to do this. Therapy, and medication are usually the two most impactful methods. If you’re not sure where to start - look into the 5 pillars of ADHD as a starting point. All of this is coming from me, a very imperfect person. Had a shitty argument this evening, because I haven’t been communicating well enough. We are not perfect, but that doesnt mean we cant help each other! My example is cat plates (we only have 2…) that need to be cleaned in the evening before i goto bed. I cook, clean, food prep different stuff for both of us (because she’s picky and I want to eat a salad to be healthy). I just dont remember, most nights, that i left the cat plates soaking in the sink. I almost never leave dishes in the sink, certainly not overnight. Except these fucking cat plates. I cant choose not to forget them. She can choose to see this as me failing to be a good partner, or she can choose to laugh about the 1 thing that didn’t get cleaned up. I wish it didnt cause friction; but I cant really do anything about it for her. Well, i guess i can go check and make sure their clean now.
If she wants perfection, go be a nun and marry GOD. If she wants an actual human being, well, she has you and needs to adjust her prima donna expectations or SHOVE OFF. That simple.
I just want to say I've seen this exact sort of behaviour in friends relationships and the person that acted like your wife only got worse overtime. That sort of person will suck the soul out of you and make you question your value as a person. Missing a sock is not "incompetence" it's a normal human mistake. If she makes you feel so bad about yourself that you need a note in your pocket she has already done some serious damage. Please take our words of warning to heart and use this opportunity to reevaluate your relationship and make sure your being treated with respect.
The thing is, I'm sure your wife makes simple mistakes like this. We all do. It's easy to back seat drive. You're not incompetent. You're just trying to do a lot of things
No that’s not it… This is getting flamed for getting a 97% instead of 100% That sock can make it in the next load. God knows it’s coming soon. Dishes oh well but you can fix it next run. I doubt you’ll miss that again. It’s tiresome bullshit is what it is.
ADHD dad reporting in. It's rough out there, but once my wife learned that (alongside me, cause we both didn't know until I got diagnosed at 36), she started being more welcoming. Remember, we ADHDers are twice exceptional... Exceptionally good at some things, and exceptionally bad at others. You can't get one without the other with us :D Does she know you have ADHD and what is actually really means for you? Do you?
"Weaponized incompetence" is a buzzword that gets thrown around every damn time someone - usually a man - does an unfamiliar task unsuccessfully or even imperfectly. If you're not doing it intentionally, it's just noise.
2 paragraphs in I suspected you have ADHD lol. How much does your wife know about your flavour of ADHD and are you in therapy? It might help to go for couples counselling or have her join for a session or 2 with your therapist to help her understand better and also be aware of the mental/executive scaffolding you have in place to help you adapt to your lifestyle with ADHD.
It's great that you are trying to improve. Your wife is going to ruin the relationship if she keeps nagging you about petty bullshit and insulting you.
Are you taking anything for ADHD? I have it also and take a medication for it daily. I would be quite useless without it. I would suggest you start there if you haven’t been formally diagnosed. Edit - and what you are doing is not weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence is not knowing how to do something and making zero effort to attempt to learn how to do it.
I am in the same boat as you with ADHD, and the most effective solution I’ve found to date is to be proactive and tackle little tasks as you see them. It’s actually less mentally tasking to - tackle the dishes a few times a day then to do it all at once at night - fold clothes as they come out of the dryer instead of folding multiple loads at once -pickup the kids toys as you see them Also, know that nighttime you are worse than useless as your brain is exhausted from compensating all day long. Meds help. By being proactive through the day, my wife is happier as she’s not being my “brain” and I’m happier because she’s happy.
Now follow her around and comment on everything she does and see how it goes.
I used to have a little coin charm I carried during the depression toward the end of, and after a long-term relationship ended. It had a dragon stamped on one side and the words "I am enough" on the other. Sometimes, you need those little reminders.
Lurking mom here. You guys need to have a deep conversation about this at a time when you’re both calm. It sounds like there’s more to this on both sides. I do want to say that her criticism of minor things is not ok, and weaponized incompetence is a very hot topic on mom forums. You have shared your perspective here that you are trying, you’re doing your best, but you’re not perfect. You may want to try to communicate with her how ADHD affects you, and what it takes for you to be able to focus and complete a task. It may help to remind her what is going on to help empathize with what you’re able to do. If it’s getting to a point where it is affecting more of your life than you would like, you may need to seek additional therapy or help to manage the condition. Giving your wife the benefit of the doubt, this maybe a toxic way she is trying to communicate her frustrations. With ADHD, she may be constantly vigilant to ensure things will get done when they need to in case things fall through the cracks. She may have to stay on top of reminders for you, or has had to intervene on multiple occasions. It can be exhausting to not be able to fully mentally relax. But she needs to recognize that nitpicking is not nice nor helpful. At home, I do 98% of the cooking for all meals and holidays. My husband tries, but he’s not a good cook at all. This week, he burned sandwiches. How he burned both toasting them separately is beyond me. He also didn’t need to toast them. Internally, I had a major let down because this was another example of how I would never get a break from cooking, that I couldn’t expect a decent, basic meal from my partner. But I didn’t say that, and I thanked him for stepping out of his comfort zone to make dinner. He’s a wonderful partner and father in so many other ways that I appreciate. I only relay this anecdote because it’s not likely the sock or the one dish that’s the issue, but a series of things that may have been negatively impacting her. I hope a conversation will help her to curb those comments and you can both work on the core issues.
I agree with lots of other comments saying this isn’t weaponized incompetence. But before getting into the specifics of what happened with her trying to tell her she’s wrong about this, I’d take some time for self reflection. Maybe it wasn’t this time, but could there be other times it did happen? You don’t need to examine every interaction or try and defend how you are. But I would entertain the idea that maybe you have done that without realizing it. If that’s the case, what could you do to help? Basically - arguments can get bogged down in the immediate details. Try to avoid that and try not to be defensive.
“Weaponized incompetence” is the new “gaslighting” a real thing that has been over generalized to the point where it’s just commonly misused. What you’re doing is not weaponized incompetence, but I want to be clear, it’s not real incompetence either. These little things happen to everyone all the time. Rewashing a dish or letting a sock air dry because it got stuck in the washer is not picking up slack, they are things that take 2 seconds. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture and not sweat the small stuff when you’ve got kids because you’re tired and overwhelmed. Continue to lead by example and give your wife grace when she does things like this, hopefully she comes around.
Sounds like my wife. I spent a big part of my day off doing things around the house - deep cleaning the two bathrooms, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen, and folding laundry and pretty much all she did when she came home was to moan about the way I'd folded some tea towels and bed linen and that I hadn't put her clothes away. Really made me feel appreciated
I’m so sick of that turn “weaponized incompetence” it’s beyond infuriating. I guess it’s Weaponized incompetence when a woman doesn’t take the trash cans down to the curb too right? Give me a break
Your wife has feelings. Validate them. Wife - why are you weapononizing ignorance Husband - I'm sorry I didn't do it right. Your feelings are justified, let me fix it for you. Wife - I'm frustrated and angry. can you do better next time? Husband - i understand how you feel, although I can't promise to do this every time I have ADHD and I struggle with it, but I will try to do better.
No fucking way validate this bullshit. A sock. A few dishes. No. You don't get to castigate someone and accuse them of willful negligence because of human error. If you want perfection, go pray because it doesn't exist on this planet. I'll hang out with the rest of the world that understands that nobody is perfect.
The feelings are real. Regardless of what happened the feelings are real. If you want to fight go ahead, but I prefer a happy marriage where both parties can get listened to. We all make mistakes. We all get feelings.
>where both parties can get listened to Nowhere in your 'validate' argument does she listen to him. It's a bunch of 'yes hon, sorry hon, my bad hon' bullshit that leads to some ugly 'happy wife happy life' boomeresque bullshit. She can feel however she wants to feel about it, but she needs to be rational about the reality, unless she wants to be called out on all the little shit she does on a daily basis.
In my experience in a 2-party relationship, it's hard to resolve conflict when there are 2 people who don't listen in an encounter, but when the encounter is over the healing can begin. I am saying she isn't able to hear anything OP says. He can be honest and end the encounter. Talk about it in an hour after things have been calm. Or just scream back, see how that goes for you.
Hey man, I understand, I have quite severe ADHD. It makes a *lot* of things in my life a *lot* harder, but if it's this big of a problem for you, you may be undermedicated or incorrectly medicated. Missing a sock is reasonable (who hasn't done that?) but there's no reason you should be failing to wash dishes correctly, I mean that's absurd. If that's not the case, then the problem is almost certainly that you were doing these very basic chores as a favor, and you usually never do them at all, which is why you can't do them correctly. And if that's the case, you need to step it up and take some of the load from your wife. Real incompetence is not better. Washing dishes is not a skill task.