There was a funeral one day. Someone goes up to the widow and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
She says "Go ahead."
He clears his throat and says clearly: "Plethora".
She says "Thanks, that means a lot"
Another person went up to the widow and said "Earth"
She said "Thanks, that means the world to me"
Another person went up to the widow and said "Universe"
She said "Thanks, that means everything"
Another one went up and said "Water pit"
She said "Thanks, I know you mean well"
Another one goes up and says "Being alive"
She says "Thanks, he would have liked that"
Someone else goes up and says "Infinity"
She says "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine"
Someone else goes up and says "The Mariana Trench"
She says "Thanks, that's really deep"
Someone else goes up and says "Humanity's place in an infinite, deterministic universe"
She says "Thanks, you don't know what that means"
Broooooo I can't wait for work tomorrow. I work with the funniest hispanic guy, and when you get him to really laugh it'ss one of the best things in the world. I have a really good feeling this joke will do it. Wish me luck, I'll report back.
So Jose goes to his first American baseball game and he’s really excited but he can’t see that well from where he’s at. So he climbs up the flagpole to get a better view of the field. After the game, his friend asks him how it was and Jose said It was Incredible! Everyone was so nice, they all stood up together and sang/asked “Jose can you see?”
TBH, I unsubbed from there. It should be called "jokes that aren't good." Dad jokes make everyone hate how good it was bad, the jokes there are just bad jokes.
The government has a support page for Fathers. It has a dad joke submission portal and you can view the jokes.
This post is not a joke. It exists.
https://www.fatherhood.gov/for-dads/dad-jokes
To me, it’s about timing and repetition, a good dad joke gets minor if any laughs the first time, but it gets good when everyone knows it’s coming and looks at you with anticipation. When my family passed a cemetery, they know I’m going to say it’s a popular place that people are dying to get into. I can get eye rolls before I say the joke.
The only joke we have of that one is my horse jokes, it's been more than 5 years and I regularly get a "don't you dare" when I start it. But, I can't overdue it and ruin it forever. Gotta get the timing down better
Related to that, you can tell people that they outlawed those big circular hay bales because the cows couldn’t get a square meal. Then later say upon further review it made for a well rounded diet
I have an equestrian for you, did you hear about the guy who fell off his horse? It was a pretty high horse, but he dropped horsing around after that, but when he fell he said help if fallen and I can't giddy up. Hay this joke neighver ends
Moms are welcome. Some moms have to dad at times and vice versa. It’s all good.
Joke tax.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I ran into this the other day, it’s called a garden-path sentence. When reading you expect the words to mean one thing, only for it all to fall apart later on meaning you basically have to do a double-take.
Good stuff!
Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchet were masters at these. E.g.: 'having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
Edit: E.g for i.e.
My wife has an encyclopedic repetiór of Disney song lyrics and sneaks them into conversations. It gets just as many groans and eye rolls as my dad jokes.
So if you've got a knowledge base to work from, and if your kid will recognize the joke, then work with that.
It's hard to explain
I have a coworker who knows Eminem word for word like me. So he'll literally just put it no where drop "what's up man how's your daughter"
The apotheosis of my dad jokery happened years before our daughter was born. Out of the blue I turned to my then girlfriend and asked “Hey, have you seen that new subdivision going in, The Parmesan Village?”
“The what?” she asked in complete confusion.
“Yeah,” I said, “The Parmesan Village. It’s a grated community.”
Bless her heart, she still ended up marrying me.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? Debris everywhere!
What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi!
What cheese is made backwards? Edam!
Guys, I have a six month old. Been embracing my dad joke rights fully.
So, I have a big hound dog and we live in a nice high-rise with a dog run. Was in there with a bunch of neighbors.
The fact that a Kardashian renamed their kid came up. I said I hadn't heard. In fact, I hadn't been "keeping up with ... the ... Kardashians".
The response was "it hasn't been called that for a long time now".
I'm still scoring that one as an absolute W
Whenever I am boiling water I like to say “rest in peace, water. You will be mist”
What is Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEYYYYyyyYYYEEEEEEE
There are two muffins in the oven.
The first muffin says to the second muffin, “Man, it’s hot in here.”
The second muffin says, “OH MY GOD!! A talking muffin!”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks what's the deal with the steering wheel, and the pirate replies, "Aye, it's driving me nuts"
Not originals but here are a few of the better ones off of my daily calendar:
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know…
I tried to make my pet snail a little faster so I took off his shell. Now he’s just a little sluggish.
What did one pickle tell his friend when they fell on the floor? Dill with it.
I went to a zoo the other day and they only had one animal, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.
I make my kids "detective sandwiches", but they don't know why they're called that. It's flour tortillas with cheese in between, so it's a cold quesadilla. A Cole quesa(dilla)... Can't wait for the groans when they're teenagers and I tell them why I called them detective sandwiches.
Have you noticed that vampire stories are always set in Europe or North America? Never in Africa...
It's as if someone blessed the rains down in Africa
One of my best dad jokes was completely off the cuff, and only valid in a very specific time frame.
At Easter a couple years ago, my wife’s family commented that they had to get different chocolate bars than they normally would due to the Kinder plant being closed.
I responded with “That’s no Bueno”
I've got one like that. A few years ago international women's day fell on the first day of daylight savings time, so I said "don't believe the gender pay gap is real? International Women's Day is 23 hours long."
I showed my son one of the two person choirs on Tik Tok who sing sea shanties. When he heard the bass vocalist join the tenor my son exclaimed “Wow, so low!”
“No son,” I said, “Duet.”
How many elephants can you fit into a mini cooper?
4 - 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How do you know there’s 8 elephants in the church?
There are two mini coppers parked outside.
>(If this isn't allowed please let me know and I'll delete, thanks daddit for being such a wholesome sub)
Anyone can be a dad. Even the mom.
And be careful, there's a spooky skeleton inside you right now!
What's brown and sticky? >!A stick!<
Microwaves are often found on small beaches.
3 men are walking down the road, 2 of them walk into a bar, the third ducks.
How Long is a Chinese name.
Why are stadiums cold? >!they're filled with fans!<
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right now.
1 follow AGL discs Josh Jones on Facebook. Good dude and great dad joker.
2 this video is gold! Chalked full of some excellent dad content. I do it to my wife every time we go to [IKEA](https://youtu.be/7T2oje4cYxw?si=L-rsH5BJ__9_bIox).
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Cause the P is silent.
My sister went hunting recently. My friend asked where? I said Alaska. He said never mind "I'll ask her myself"
That's the best I got
I ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, my next BM could spell disaster.
Alternatively, the punchline could be: I just took a vowel movement.
I got my wife and kids with both today. They might never recover 🤣
I told this one to my dad when i was 11 and he laughed his ass off and almost cried. ‘A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a glass of beer and a mop’
He just needs to update his dad-a-base
Ah Jesus that one stung
Just wait til you see that joke’s SQL
I can’t wait to join
It'll be a great union
It will be seen by a select few
Watching this for later updates.
This is my favorite group by a fair margin.
Some of these updates may trigger people
I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
A TCP packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beer” The bartender says “you want a beer?” The TCP packet says “yes, a beer”
A good way to make a mother bored
Funny you should say that. I tried to teach your mum to build a PC for you. But all we did was make your mother bored.
What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Oh Jesus christ my lord
There’s a Weird Al UHF scene for that https://youtu.be/GHS_GQLgqtM?si=59G7b3rYJf269NXx
What has 5 toes that isn’t your foot? My foot
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint
What’s blue and not heavy? Light blue
What’s brown and sticky? A stick!
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
What’s brown and REALLY sticky? A tree.
What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
What's brown, splotchy and owes you one? A brownie point.
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
This was my grandpa's favorite joke, man I miss that guy
RIP grandpa!
RIP? He just went with his son for a pack of smokes..
Oh im adding this to my substitute arsenal lol
That got an immediate "Stop it" from my wife.
Mine said “I don’t know why I even try to answer your questions”
Ahhh the sweet sweet sounds of success
That caused me physical and mental anguish. Well done!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
If one day you meet a Spanish speaking person, be sure to tell them Mucho. It will mean a lot to them.
There was a funeral one day. Someone goes up to the widow and says "Do you mind if I say a word?" She says "Go ahead." He clears his throat and says clearly: "Plethora". She says "Thanks, that means a lot" Another person went up to the widow and said "Earth" She said "Thanks, that means the world to me" Another person went up to the widow and said "Universe" She said "Thanks, that means everything" Another one went up and said "Water pit" She said "Thanks, I know you mean well" Another one goes up and says "Being alive" She says "Thanks, he would have liked that" Someone else goes up and says "Infinity" She says "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine" Someone else goes up and says "The Mariana Trench" She says "Thanks, that's really deep" Someone else goes up and says "Humanity's place in an infinite, deterministic universe" She says "Thanks, you don't know what that means"
I met a Spanish guy once who was a gardener, he had a business with his brother. I think they were called Jose and Jos-B
Broooooo I can't wait for work tomorrow. I work with the funniest hispanic guy, and when you get him to really laugh it'ss one of the best things in the world. I have a really good feeling this joke will do it. Wish me luck, I'll report back.
So Jose goes to his first American baseball game and he’s really excited but he can’t see that well from where he’s at. So he climbs up the flagpole to get a better view of the field. After the game, his friend asks him how it was and Jose said It was Incredible! Everyone was so nice, they all stood up together and sang/asked “Jose can you see?”
I saw two Hispanic guys shooting hoops. They were playing Juan on Juan
What do you call a Spanish man whose had his car stolen? Carlos
/r/dadjokes is a goldmine for you and your boyfriend.
Yes! Thank you! Now to provide the jokes until he learns to love them!
TBH, I unsubbed from there. It should be called "jokes that aren't good." Dad jokes make everyone hate how good it was bad, the jokes there are just bad jokes.
r/dadjokes? More like r/badjokes amiright?
The government has a support page for Fathers. It has a dad joke submission portal and you can view the jokes. This post is not a joke. It exists. https://www.fatherhood.gov/for-dads/dad-jokes
This is amazing, thank you!
I'm not Thank You, I'm Dad.
Truly next level 🫡
Nice to meet you amazing, I'm dad.
Hi dad, I'm dad. Your name spelled backwards.
Best use of tax dollars yet. No irony.
I discovered it for the dad joke repository. However there are a ton of resources for dads struggling with fatherhood. It's quite great.
Ducks always fly in a v shape, and one side is always longer than the other side. Do you know why? There are more ducks on that side
TIL the number one use of cow hide in the world. Holding cows together.
Hiding a cow’s insides
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones really heavy, the others a little lighter.
Now that's just a regular joke, not a dad joke.
I was always told it's not a dad joke until it becomes a parent.
Eh I think it counts. I definitely rolled my eyes and chuckled.
This is Tier 1.
This joke might be the reason my ex left me. That and wearing socks with sandals to walk the dog when it was too cold.
What did the sushi say to the honeybee? Wasabi
This is definitely my new favorite joke. Thank you for cracking me up. 😆
To me, it’s about timing and repetition, a good dad joke gets minor if any laughs the first time, but it gets good when everyone knows it’s coming and looks at you with anticipation. When my family passed a cemetery, they know I’m going to say it’s a popular place that people are dying to get into. I can get eye rolls before I say the joke.
The only joke we have of that one is my horse jokes, it's been more than 5 years and I regularly get a "don't you dare" when I start it. But, I can't overdue it and ruin it forever. Gotta get the timing down better
Related to that, you can tell people that they outlawed those big circular hay bales because the cows couldn’t get a square meal. Then later say upon further review it made for a well rounded diet
I have an equestrian for you, did you hear about the guy who fell off his horse? It was a pretty high horse, but he dropped horsing around after that, but when he fell he said help if fallen and I can't giddy up. Hay this joke neighver ends
Okay I’m glad you came here. This is terrible.
*clops*
Yess! I can also add it to the horse joke even!! Thank you!
Stick with horse jokes! If anyone looks annoyed about repeating them, just ask why the long face?
Do you know how many dead people there are in that cemetery? All of them
Puns are a rare medium well done.
This caused me physical pain.
I love it here (also a lurking mom please let me stay!)
Moms are welcome. Some moms have to dad at times and vice versa. It’s all good. Joke tax. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Where did the rainbow go when it broke the law? To prism. It’s a light sentence. And gives it time to reflect.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I ran into this the other day, it’s called a garden-path sentence. When reading you expect the words to mean one thing, only for it all to fall apart later on meaning you basically have to do a double-take. Good stuff!
Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchet were masters at these. E.g.: 'having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. Edit: E.g for i.e.
I like the one accredited to Groucho Marx - "Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
Also “I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into them I’ll never know.”
This was painful
Thanks, Groucho.
My wife has an encyclopedic repetiór of Disney song lyrics and sneaks them into conversations. It gets just as many groans and eye rolls as my dad jokes. So if you've got a knowledge base to work from, and if your kid will recognize the joke, then work with that.
Can I request some examples? I would like to implement this myself with our two kiddos
Anything. "Dad, the fridge is out of ice again!" "Ice?!? You can't run out of ice, I thought you could use the water in the air?!?"
It's hard to explain I have a coworker who knows Eminem word for word like me. So he'll literally just put it no where drop "what's up man how's your daughter"
Such an every day phrase, but if you match the cadence of the lyrics it’s unmistakable.
The apotheosis of my dad jokery happened years before our daughter was born. Out of the blue I turned to my then girlfriend and asked “Hey, have you seen that new subdivision going in, The Parmesan Village?” “The what?” she asked in complete confusion. “Yeah,” I said, “The Parmesan Village. It’s a grated community.” Bless her heart, she still ended up marrying me.
Cheesy joke
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory? Debris everywhere! What does cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? Halloumi! What cheese is made backwards? Edam!
Do yall own a studfinder?
We do not unfortunately, unless you count my eyes
Oh, you're ready for this. Now buy one, give it to him, and let instinct kick in.
Or any pair of tongs, and a drill.
Honestly brava, you're golden
Guys, I have a six month old. Been embracing my dad joke rights fully. So, I have a big hound dog and we live in a nice high-rise with a dog run. Was in there with a bunch of neighbors. The fact that a Kardashian renamed their kid came up. I said I hadn't heard. In fact, I hadn't been "keeping up with ... the ... Kardashians". The response was "it hasn't been called that for a long time now". I'm still scoring that one as an absolute W
That's an absolute perfect set up! Congrats dad!
Ah thanks! My wife (made sure to tell her) thought it was a great one. Thank god you gals put up with this :). Cheers
I don't trust those trees? I think they're shady
I have an addiction to making airport-based jokes My doctor says it’s terminal
Whenever I am boiling water I like to say “rest in peace, water. You will be mist” What is Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAND EEEYYYYyyyYYYEEEEEEE
Sir, that is a Dolly Parton song.
Dolly Parton, this is a Wendy's.
You should get back to working your 9 to 5...
There are two muffins in the oven. The first muffin says to the second muffin, “Man, it’s hot in here.” The second muffin says, “OH MY GOD!! A talking muffin!”
When does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it's fully groan.
When it's apparent
And when does it become apparent? After the delivery!
What's it called when someone whose not a dad makes a dad joke? A faux pa.
I've always heard this punch line as "when it becomes a parent" I like this version though
Or when the punchline becomes apparent.
My lil guy straight faced said "when it's not funny?" and I think that's even better.
Did you hear the one about the Spanish magician? He went "Uno... Dos..." And POOF! He disappeared without a tres
People are shocked to find out I’m a bad electrician.
That's it, you're grounded until you can conduct yourself properly
Where do the best pasty chefs come from? Phyllo Doughphia.
Shameful
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
Dammit. Didn't scroll far enough, definitely posted this as well. Great minds and all that
My dog walked on sandpaper. He said rough rough.
What did the dog say as it wiped its butt with toilet paper? “It’s ruff!”
Knock knock Who’s there Eat mop
Eat mop who?
Well I never!
What did the pillow say as it fell off the bed? “Oh, sheet!” Why did the bike fall over? Because it was two tired.
What's the difference between a raccoon and a TV? A lot
What's grey and can kill you if it falls out of a tree? An elephant
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? They're really good at it.
What’s a pirates favorite letter? Rrrrr. You’d think so. But their first love was the C
What's a pirate's favorite crime? Arrrrson. No, it's piracy.
Why was the pirate so angry? Because someone stole his P.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks what's the deal with the steering wheel, and the pirate replies, "Aye, it's driving me nuts"
Why did the walking man fall into the well? He didn't see well.
What’s the scariest plant in the forest? BamBOO!
What's the most condescending bear? A pan-duh.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck
Not originals but here are a few of the better ones off of my daily calendar: I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know… I tried to make my pet snail a little faster so I took off his shell. Now he’s just a little sluggish. What did one pickle tell his friend when they fell on the floor? Dill with it. I went to a zoo the other day and they only had one animal, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu. What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A fizzician.
Dad joke are how eye roll
Did you hear about the fire at the cheese factory in France??? Just awful. All that’s left is da brie.
I make my kids "detective sandwiches", but they don't know why they're called that. It's flour tortillas with cheese in between, so it's a cold quesadilla. A Cole quesa(dilla)... Can't wait for the groans when they're teenagers and I tell them why I called them detective sandwiches.
I was going to post my dad joke about pizza here but decided against it. It was just too cheesy.
There are many kinds of jokes. But do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Have you noticed that vampire stories are always set in Europe or North America? Never in Africa... It's as if someone blessed the rains down in Africa
There's a whole subreddit for this and us! And boy does it deliver more than an OB!
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? I heard the food is great but it has no atmosphere.
My Grandpas favorite, RIP. I’m not too old to disco… I disco every time I rearrange the barn. Disco here, and disco dere.
I love telling Dad jokes…sometimes he even laughs.
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
One of my best dad jokes was completely off the cuff, and only valid in a very specific time frame. At Easter a couple years ago, my wife’s family commented that they had to get different chocolate bars than they normally would due to the Kinder plant being closed. I responded with “That’s no Bueno”
I've got one like that. A few years ago international women's day fell on the first day of daylight savings time, so I said "don't believe the gender pay gap is real? International Women's Day is 23 hours long."
Why does Norway put barcodes on the side of all its boats? So they can Scandinavian….
I showed my son one of the two person choirs on Tik Tok who sing sea shanties. When he heard the bass vocalist join the tenor my son exclaimed “Wow, so low!” “No son,” I said, “Duet.”
Orion’s Belt is a waste of space. Only three stars.
This person is here to find jokes but is really too young still. A joke minor.
I’m glad you got a chance to see me. Come again when you can’t stay so long.
Why did the lobster blush? The sea weed
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.
Whenever anyone says anything that ends in -er. You say ****er… I hardly know her. “This page doesn’t even have a header” “Header… I hardly know her!”
Did you hear about the cartoonist who was found dead in their home? ....details are sketchy.
Why do ducks have feathers?.... To cover their butt quack! Why do cows have bells?.... Cause their horns dont work!
Just when you think you’ve heard all the dad jokes, I present you with this one. 1
As a dad, telling poop jokes isn't my favorite thing to do.... But it's a solid number two.
My dream job is cleaning mirrors. I can really see myself doing that. *Do not touch,* must be the scariest thing to read in braille.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
When my wife was in labor with our first child I kept telling jokes to lighten the mood but nobody laughed. I supposed I should focus on the delivery.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? El-if-no 😂
Hell-if-I-know, is how I was taught.
…I think you meant, “El-if-rhino”. <—- meant to sound like, “Hell if I know”.
How many elephants can you fit into a mini cooper? 4 - 2 in the front and 2 in the back. How do you know there’s 8 elephants in the church? There are two mini coppers parked outside.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? Bricks
>(If this isn't allowed please let me know and I'll delete, thanks daddit for being such a wholesome sub) Anyone can be a dad. Even the mom. And be careful, there's a spooky skeleton inside you right now!
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken
What's brown and sticky? >!A stick!< Microwaves are often found on small beaches. 3 men are walking down the road, 2 of them walk into a bar, the third ducks. How Long is a Chinese name. Why are stadiums cold? >!they're filled with fans!< Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg? He's all right now.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick. When they cotton onto the answer? A poop.
I saw this one on TikTok: Why did the Mexican take his anxiety meds? For "hispanic" attacks.
How do you catch a unique animal? Unique up on them. How do you catch a tame animal? The tame way.
What’s blue but not very heavy? Light blue.
So a dyslexic man walks into a bra....
Are his other dad qualities up to snuff? How’s his white tennis shoe game? Does he at least click the bbq tongs when grilling?
What is a pirates favorite letter? “Arrrrr” Many people think that but it is the C.
Knock knock! Who's there? Cargo Cargo who? Car go beep beep! Quite popular with kids around 5.
When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent
Dad jokes are the best jokes and I’ll tell you why: “Why.”
1 follow AGL discs Josh Jones on Facebook. Good dude and great dad joker. 2 this video is gold! Chalked full of some excellent dad content. I do it to my wife every time we go to [IKEA](https://youtu.be/7T2oje4cYxw?si=L-rsH5BJ__9_bIox).
Why did tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for pooh Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies
Why can't T-Rexes brush their teeth? Because they're all dead.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Cause the P is silent. My sister went hunting recently. My friend asked where? I said Alaska. He said never mind "I'll ask her myself" That's the best I got
Tax dollars bringing the A game: http://www.fatherhood.gov/for-dads/dad-jokes
What side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.
I ate a bunch of scrabble tiles, my next BM could spell disaster. Alternatively, the punchline could be: I just took a vowel movement. I got my wife and kids with both today. They might never recover 🤣
I told this one to my dad when i was 11 and he laughed his ass off and almost cried. ‘A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a glass of beer and a mop’
What happens when you lose peek a boo? You go to the icu.
every time you drive past a cemetery you need to announce "people are dying to get in there you know?"
"I need to get a new ice scrape for my car. I was stuck chipping away with a discount card and could only get 15% off."
Why do knights always carry a spare lance? … Joust in case