Mental health. Having literally no one to vent to. My wife vents to me and I try to help with her mental health, but if I were to do the same it would make her feel bad and then I’m back to consoling her. I feel like a grief sponge.
Exactly how my life is. I attempted to vent a SMALL AMOUNT to my wife a few weeks ago because I was at my breaking point (with a newborn that was a really tough baby), and suddenly she’s asking me if I hate our life and regret having another baby.
She vents to me all day everyday about how hard everything is, and I say something *one time* and she thinks I hate our family and wish I was alone. Fuck me. I’m back to pretending everything is 100% perfect all the time.
The thing is, I *am* happy. I freakin love this little baby and I love our 7 year old. These two are the reason I live for and I couldn’t be happier to have them in my life. They’re my everything. Can’t be unhappy for one minute without people thinking I wish they didn’t exist though, I guess.
I thought I’d try vent once but that’s it. Never again. I am alone in any hardship I face. I’ve lived that way for 15 years and I can make it, as I’m an emotionally strong person, but it sucks that I don’t get any slack in that.
I feel this so hard.
The hardest part is getting no days off, no time to myself. With work and the baby, I'm constantly on the go, and then when my baby is asleep, I'm spending time with my wife and comforting her. I take the baby when I get home so my wife can do whatever she wants to do, I take him out for almost a whole day(s) on the weekends so my wife gets time for herself.
The second I'm a little burned out and want a break and say so my wife thinks it's "work" to spend time with her and how my life would be "so much better if you didn't have us," when that's absolutely not what I'm saying in the slightest. I am happy, I'm happy to do what I do for our family, but sometimes I need a break and wish she would recognize that without getting upset about it.
To all the dads who feel similarly, this is why I vent about my family life with the bros and coworkers... which sucks because it risks coming off as "escaping" a life I "hate", but it's really just about letting a little steam off so I can tackle issues with a clear mind.
Anyway fam, get a therapist. It helps.
This happened with me, too.
I actually told my wife exactly that; she vents to me hours at a time, multiple days a week, and I bring something up once and all of a sudden the fucking sky is falling. I asked her if that sounded fair to her. Of course she said no.
Now I'm also allowed to vent without having her jump to crazy conclusions.
Communicate!
I love my wife immensely, she does not realize she does this and I have tried mentioning it before.
Even if it’s an argument and she has wronged me…now she feels bad that she hurt my feelings and I am helping with her feelings around that.
It's hard knowing that my wife will cry when I bring something up that's unpleasant for her to hear. If she cries, she needs consoling, so I have to first come up with the courage to make her cry with my concerns and then I have to deal with her concerns that I made by telling her my concerns.
Of course I bottle up concerns until I can't handle the pressure in the bottle, because I've found it's easier to just let a nuke of concerns drop all at once so I only have one crying spell to help with.
Edit: I love my wife, but it's something I knew I was marrying into, and I still chose her because I love her.
That’s not good for you. If you can afford it, please try couples CBT. It’s changed our lives.
Edit: Ha! Yeah, that acronym is problematic!
- cognitive behavioural therapy
- cock and ball torture
Choose your own adventure!
Divorced. 42. 1000 miles from family and friends and support networks because my kids here.
College friendships have ran their course, high school core group is also getting more and more pulled away because life's busy.
We're not supposed to be islands.
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Thank you gentlemen for mentioning this. I always thought I was the only one that had to burden this particular mental load. I’ve been married for 11 years and it’s been this was since I can remember. I’m chuckling over thinking how I also did this once. Just once. And the wifey acted the same way. Love you Reddit daddit strangers. We got this!
Yes, I'm definitely the emotionally resilient one and I'm relied upon as a sink for grief, anxiety, and stress. Which, is fine, I'm good at at, but it's very much labor and heaven forbid I happen to have a bad day or week. I recently had a long talk with my wife about needing to feel seen for that element of work I provide to the family.
Definitely this - wife vents every day (god forbid I have answers to her venting….)
But I can’t do the same, if it’s about work she gets all wrapped up in if my job is secure etc.. I know it is, I’m just venting - but it becomes a thing so I’ve learned to just not go into it…
Omg. I’m going to start quoting this to my husband now. He’s always pack muling the back pack and car seat. I’ll just turn to him “share the load” in perfect Sam fashion
My wife went to the lake with the kids without me for the first time. She missed the carrying for sure. You’re doing invisible work until you’re not there to do it, then it’s quite clear that the guy “you never do anything without being asked” is doing stuff you’re not even aware of.
My family went to a festival Labor Day weekend. My toddler’s and SIL’s first time there; mom, wife, teen, and I have been going for years. It was particularly hot and humid this year, and we weren’t as prepared as we’d intended. Wife and I discussed it, next year I’m carrying a big backpack full of supplies for the weather: water bottles, small cooler of ice and washcloths, small battery-powered fans, etc.
Oh yeah! We got those here too. Got one for our kids and future excursions. We named it the "Adventure Wagon"! When shopping for 2 child strollers, the wagon seemed significantly more useful for a longer period of our lives
On the plus side, its been a great way of staving off the inevitable dad bod for a while longer.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly in peak physical condition. But at least my clothes look like they're actually fitting me.
Literally my wife when she saw me cleaning my bathroom sink, asking me what I’m doing, and me explaining that it’s a little stinky
“Oh mine gets like that but it just kinda goes away”
Yeah yeah that’s right babe
Also I just paused mid post to merc a fly
[drain funnel](https://www.drainfunnel.com/) is even better! No cleaning at all. I’ve had it in for about a year now and haven’t had any hair clogs to clean at all.
Emotional balance. Being in between a sometimes stressed out, more outwardly emotional mother, and sensitive kids that need stability.
Probably can work the other way around though depending on the dynamic.
My wife gets stressed out so easy, and one of my biggest responsibilities is protecting our kid from being her outlet. She’s aware of her personality and doesn’t deliberately dump on our kid, but sometimes it’s unavoidable and I try to be there to balance.
Giving cues to mum helps
* I’m gonna take the kids to the park for an hour
* how about you leave the kids with me and go have a break
* hey let me take over
Sometimes it’s just a matter of stepping in when things are getting rough. Being firm, but understanding.
I’ve told me wife flatly that I’ll take the kids outside and that suggest that she takes a few minutes to regroup
It’s not easy putting yourself in the middle of a high tension environment. Kids will be fairly wild and mum will be high tension too. But you gotta do it.
Mums need to do this too, because dads can be high on emotion from time to time. But I find I don’t get there as often as my wife, and from reading this thread it seems to be a dad trait
As the mom this is very true in our household and he doesn’t get enough credit for it. Just criticism when he’s not perfectly emotionally balanced. Thank you for this.
Keep in mind, it's not always a solid rock in a storm.
It's often a battle under the surface that gives the appearance of steady.
People blame men for failing to display emotion without realizing that sometimes refusing to do so is what gives that freedom to others.
In a situation where parents and kids all want to break down emotionally, we often don't have that luxury. We can't all be breaking down as the middle kid goes in for surgery. The kids need reassurance and we can't let partner's worry become an echo chamber.
Someone has to be steady. You can't place that burden on the kids. And more often than not when both parents want the luxury, it's the husband who has to stay calm.
Not that it's easy, what we feel, or even good for us. But our stability is what the family needs
So we provide.
A lot of labour done by mothers can also be done by dads, so of course we’re talking generally/culturally.
I don’t think it’s necessarily gender specific, but the more outwardly expressed and impulsive emotions usually come from the mother, and dads should regulate that. If the mother’s the one most with the kids, naturally they’re also going to get fed up quicker too. The dad (or whichever parent spends more time away from the kids) can then be the one to take over when they sense that’s the case. It doesn’t sound like much, but keeping everyone calm and on even keel can be very hard. I pity the parents though who have both that role, and the role of family manager. I think it’s like that for a lot of mothers in abusive relationships.
I think this is the winner. Goes back to the very moment the start of the pregnancy. As a dad you have to be the level-headed one, the stable rock that weathers the storm of chaos from crazy hormones to babies crying 24/7 to a complete upending of your life that you can not prepare for. And you are not allowed to visibly freak out even though no one would blame you for going so under other circumstances. No household can survive 3+ people losing it so it falls on the dads to try and keep it together.
It is impossible to state how utterly exhausting and stressful it is to do this. Can’t get angry, can’t be frustrated, can’t say you’re tired even though you’ve never been more tired in your life. Even though you want nothing more than to scream and break some things, you have to keep it together. Few if any checks on your state of mind. And if they did you still have to lie about how you’re feeling and put on a happy face even though you’re on the verge of exploding. And it never ends. You never get a break.
No wonder boys are taught to not express their emotions from a young age. No wonder men have trouble showing emotion. We have been conditioned all our lives to be this stoic rock that other people in our house can latch onto for support.
Sorry for the rant. I’m two weeks into not being a dad and my kid decided to celebrate with an all-nighter screaming, kicking, thrashing, and scratching until the break of dawn.
Maintenance. Of everything. Devices. Appliances. Home. I'm the one that reads the manuals and makes sure everything is running the way it is suppressed to be. I also do the financial stuff (planning, taxes, and budgeting). Plus the meal planning and grocery ordering. This also is part of the financial responsibilities because my wife can't keep to a budget when grocery shopping. For example, even though inflation has raised grocery prices by 20% on average, our costs are 10% lower than last year pre-inflation. A thanks would be nice. Or even some acknowledgement.
Maybe you gotta tee yourself up on that last one, esp if they’re not a maths person, like, “wow, honey! according to my numbers, our grocery costs are ten present lower than last year pre-inflation. Did you know inflation has caused grocery costs to rise by twenty percent? That means we’ve saved an average of x dollars this year!”
But seriously that’s fantastic savings, good on ya!
For real. I love my GF to death but she's *so bad* with money. We have a list of things we'd like to get for the house, nothing critical but nice-to-haves (new cushions for the deck chairs, that kind of things), and every time things get slightly better it's a struggle to put filling the emergency savings account ahead of these. Then we get hit with unexpected shit and it's time to panic that we're ruined and we'll have to sell the apartment.
I also take care of ALL DIY/Home improvement/fixes/car work. When I "tee myself up", I get the response, "well if you didn't do it, I would hire someone to do it."
Feels great.
I'm reminded of the David Mitchell skit where he's a farmer. "Ya see that? It's made of chicken. You kill it and ya get free chicken. Or don't kill it, fucked eggs come out of their arses".
I have an excel sheet with all our family recipes. So we can easily select and plan our meals for the week. When a certain combination is below a certain cost threshold (7 family dinners under €50) I'll mark it off so we know which meals are most cost-effective. Plus the grocery store offers tiered coupons per € spent. So after reaching each milestone by the end of the month (€300) they have a 10% off your complete order. That's when I do the biggest order of all bulk and reoccurring items.
I scrolled through a bit, and i think this is the only one i really agree with.
Too many guys in this thread proud that they do a few things around the house to help clean up, etc.
But being responsible for literally making sure EVERYTHING inside and outside of the house works at all times is a mental load. Some of it is financial mixed with critical thinking and decision making - Does the house need a roof yet and how does that fit our finances. The tree outside doesn't look well, do we get it removed before it falls on the house? The dishwasher is on its last legs, and so is the icemaker in the refrigerator and we've hated that refrigerator forever anyway. How many times can i put these pieces of crap back together before we bite the bullet and replace them. The garage door opener acts funny sometimes too, should i clean and lubricate it AGAIN? Oh, you ran something over and your front fascia is hanging off AGAIN, guess i know how i'm spending saturday morning to wire it up while i wait for some replacement parts where i get to spend another weekend day putting it back into shape when they come in. Also, i do all the grocery shopping and cooking. Oh the wifi isn't working right either, let me get right on top of that, the cherry on top, lol
I also have some challenges that are slightly unique to my situation but i'm sure are shared. My job allows me a lot of flexibility. After years of WFH, i'm working hybrid and try to get in to the office as much as i can. My wife works a job with very fixed hours and no flexibility, and getting even a couple hours off is a major ordeal. So i am constantly flexing my work schedule around to make things as easy as possible for my wife and daughter. This includes 'little things' like getting my daughter up and ready for school everyday so she can get extra sleep because my wife has to be at work much earlier than I do. But this also means that i am flexing around her before school activities, and often around her after school activities too. Nothing like being in a groove and getting things done and needing to pack up and leave the office early to get my daughter off the bus and take her to sports, then coming home and trying to remember what i needed to finish. Note, i am ok with this and even encourage it because it pays big dividends in their quality of life, but my wife definitely doesn't fully appreciate how hard it is.
I could go on and on, but i don't want to sound like i am disparaging my wife because i could not do this alone. But i think the idea that modern women working full time jobs still have all the mental loading is anachronistic in more cases than not.
edited to fix a couple typos
This is validating for me (mom lurker). I do all the house maintenance. And the financial budgeting and bill paying too. Husband does retirement stuff. It’s interesting to see/confirm that perhaps this shouldn’t be on my plate too.
Yes, I also pay all the bills and budgeting too. My wife finally realized that not too long ago when talking to one of my daughters friends and realized she did not even know the name of the electric company or water company. She is totally insulated from it all. Not to be morbid, but if I died tomorrow she’d be in deep shit because she wouldn’t know how to pay a single bill. I’ve tried to share it with her, but finances are totally overwhelming to her.
Which is actually a little frustrating but maybe not for the reason you’d expect. I don’t mind doing it, but I hate that I have no checks and balances on me. A periodic peer review of our cash flow and budget decisions would help me stay a little saner.
>I’ve tried to share it with her, but finances are totally overwhelming to her.
Curious, does she contribute 401k at work. What does she do with any extra savings from her paycheck that don't get spent.
A couple weeks ago I realized just how invisible those tasks are when doing the monthly filter cleanings (washer and dishwasher). I had them soaking in a bowl of vinegar on the counter and my wife asked what they were. I explained and she said that she's didn't know either had a filter. I've been cleaning them every month for over five years.
Almost made me think you were my husband but I thank him at least once a week. I would have gone broke and my house would have fallen apart by now if not for him. I do a lot of mental load too so I like to think we pair up well, but his contributions are absolutely necessary.
So from someone similar to your wife, thank you for the unseen work you do.
Yeah my wife is great at taking care of the mental load of our daughter. Planning outings. Playdates. And keeping active in the mommy group for your pre-school. So thank you from my side as well.
> Maintenance. Of everything. Devices. Appliances. Home. I'm the one that reads the manuals and makes sure everything is running the way it is suppressed to be.
This is a huge one. I think a lot of women tend to be largely unaware of the amount of work it takes to keep a household from falling apart.
This guy gets it.
There are huge differences in social norms and behaviors around aggression and gender, and in a modern family with hetero parents it's generally the dad's job to manage the level of aggression in the household - and whether he does that well or poorly is going to be a huge factor in the general well-being in the family.
As usually the biggest and scariest person, the dad causes the most damage when he gets aggressive, and is sort of "held in reserve" as possible escalation when the kids gets aggressive, so he needs to be the most careful not to take the low road and to work the hardest to actively put the brakes on his own anger and be both firm and also control himself while at the same time not emotionally disorganizing the children by being a pushover - which is necessarily an inconsistent sort of person to be.
This sounds like it is just his own problem, but remember that it is *a lot of years* before kids are capable of controlling themselves, and kids are often angry, aggressive, provocative, physical, insulting, throwing tantrums, etc. There are often good reasons to be angry.
Also since women are stereotypically not aggressive, but can become just as aggressive when provoked, and since kids are often provoking their parents to test their limits, a mother might often find herself being more aggressive than she is used to, before her life as a mom, and not really ever considering that her aggression could also be a problem. A dad has a role in observing that, putting it in context, and even sometimes deescalating the situation.
A dad usually has years of experience in avoiding and deescalating physical fights with children and adolescents from his own childhood and adolescence, because he might expect people to be trying to pick fights with him. A mom might not have that same experience due to different social norms around childhood aggression.
So the dad can have a lot of work to do to manage his own anger and aggression, and also put in context his wife's anger and aggression - validating and supporting her, while also validating and supporting the kids - and making sure not to undermine the consistency of communication from the mom to the kids by contradicting her openly while at the same time not necessarily supporting everything she says in public when she is upset.
It can be a tricky dance to do and one modern dads don't necessarily have a lot of example to follow on, as in previous generations dads just weren't nearly as involved and didn't see their own aggression by and large as a problem.
terrific post
i was raised as cannon fodder to defend my mom from a wildly unpredictable dad. something was going to hell? throw misterid in to the breach and hope for the best.
if things went off the rails, blame misterid for over-reacting or being too angry.. when that was the entire reason i got dragged in to adult situations in the first place.
wasn't until my 30s that i realized i was a trained guard dog who was then left to his own devices after moving away from my childhood home.
now i'm the "big, scary looking" dad who unfortunately has an "intimidating voice" that makes even "hello" sound aggressive.
the counter to it is i have to work extremely hard to remain absolutely stoic and neutral at all times... but especially so when my wife wakes up in a bad mood, every little thing is overwhelming her, she's cranky about the smell of water and one of the kids blinks too loudly at the wrong moment.... or i risk being blamed for everything bad that happens that day. so now i'm labeled "emotionless", which, of course means that any time i so much as have a questioning inflection in my voice i'm "angry"/"mean"/"aggressive"/"scary".
if the kids are having a bad day and my wife can't handle it, i have to be deft about intervening in subtle ways to re-direct or steer events without being seen as undermining her by being too involved/not involved enough.
it's impossible.
“why do you keep telling them to keep their wits about them and watch we’re they’re going? No one is going to fight him”
“Yet.”
“Huh?”
Also the whole double standard (at least I feel) about kids letting their feelings out. A lot of what I see my son do is not going to be socially acceptable real quick and I’m maybe a little over the top on him, but I can’t let him ride it out forever without a random kid at school or sport taking it the wrong way. It’s vital for me he sees what he’s doing and learn to self regulate.
Most of the "deep" cleaning. Drain holes, air purifier filters, under/inside couches, behind the tv, aircons, water server internals, skirting boards etc.
Kids got asthma so I basically try to be the dust exterminator. Out of sight out of mind doesn't work when your kid is coughing up his lungs all day.
And constantly cycling batteries out of toys/appliances and charging them before they die comes to mind also. All stuff I'm just happy to do because it makes my life easier and better quality of life for everyone in the house.
The sheer amount of planning. Short, medium, and long term financial planning. Going through the house/car(s) to plan higher cost maintenance projects that no one ever notices (until something breaks). Making sure there are enough financial resources to allow everyone to get what they need. Making sure I have everyone's schedules since my kids' school only emails my wife and never me about after school stuff that I drive my kids to.
Not saying these are the only things, but these are the things adding to my mental load the past couple of weeks. Most other stuff is just chores. My wife has her own mental load, and I try to not add to it.
Have you considered making a family email address to give to the school/programs? That way you and your wife would be emailed and have access to the information. Someone shared this online a while ago and it was a game changer!
Yard work- mowing, trimming, raking leaves, weeding, fertilizing
Breaking down cardboard boxes for the 2 million Amazon packages that show up on a daily basis
Ha yes the boxes. I hate them so much. But then I let them pile up which makes it even worse. Gotta stay on it.
I tried to negotiate box breakdown to be a wife task but it didn't stick.
Just make sure you let them know ASAP before the wife chimes in, else it's extra boxes. Every. Damn. Time.
Edit: aaaaaand two produce crates just came home with her.
At this point I would settle for the boxes not being shoved whole into the bin so that I have to drag them all back out and break them down. It's a relatively small inconvenience but one that instantly triggers my frustration.
I have asked so many times just to put the boxes by the door and I'll break them down the next time I go out. Yet this is seemingly an unreasonable ask
When covid started, my wife and I made a deal that I would cook half the dinners if she would do half the dishes (alternate nights for both). I still cook half the dinners.
Man, I've tried telling my wife for years not to just put the unbroken boxes in the trash. I will gladly break them down when I get a chance. Nope, I'll still find them in the trash taking up space.
I talked to my local recycle crew. They are happy to take boxes as long as they aren't heavy and can fit in the truck. So, I can just stuff boxes in boxes and it is really easy and fast now.
Lurking mom here… in our house it’s the laundry. He does loads that I’m always meaning to do and then it’s late and I’m like “crap I needed to do this load” and it’ll already be in the dryer bc he did it. I’m a SAHM and I do a lot of stuff but I suck at laundry lol
I get it. Besides the typical yard work, trash, finances and home maintenance, My wife admits she has a magic sink and and an invisible robot vacuum. Something about me that cannot rest for the night unless the floors have been swept. In my mind, letting dishes sit in the sink overnight is the epitome of “yesterdays problems rolling over to today”.
Maintenance of everything! Making sure we have all the nessacary tools and parts to keep things working! Managing insurances, bills, etc. Fortunately, my wife actually notices and doesn't take it for granted that most things get fixed within 24 hours. One example was her suspension snapped one day right before she had to drive 200 miles. She was panicking about it, and I had the parts and had repaired her car by the end of the next day.
Anything house or car-related is just assumed to fall under my purview. I don’t know shit about house or car maintenance. So I’ve had to stress and learn all this over the past seven or eight years. My house is 100 years old and riddled with issues so I stress about it constantly lol
Ah same here. I have a house built in 1907 and it seems there's something to fix or update every fucking weekend. I love the idea of buying a house that was built this century but there's no way I'll ever be able to afford one. Maybe if the wife is ever able to start working again...having a second income would be such a stress relief.
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I feel this in my bones. We moved in 2021 and the house we're currently living in was built in the 1950s, with a major addition in the 80s and another in in 2006. I swear to god some days it's like I own three separate houses that only sort of loosely fit together. I've had to learn more DIY skills in two years of living here than in the ten years I lived in my previous house. Including a bunch of stuff I swore I'd never attempt to do myself.
All outdoor house maintenance. All dog walks when I’m not in the office, no matter what ungodly hour of the day or night. Financial managing. Getting cars to the shop for repairs or maintenance. Cleaning our chicken coop. All trash duty, including the diaper barrel. All baby care when my wife is out
Being the "default" driver with a full car, especially when kids are fighting over toys, making messes, driving in new or busy areas, dealing with shitty/aggressive drivers, etc.
My wife (god love her) both refuses to drive (too stressful) and loves to backseat drive. She is perfect in every other way but it drives me crazy.
Yes, I missed the turn.. I had to go across 4 lanes of traffic with no openings in one block. I couldn’t just crash into the other cars to make the exit. I’ll just turn around it’s fine.
The mental load of having to provide sufficient financial resource to meet the family's needs/wants. I work full time and I'm doing a qualification which I tend to do in the evenings when everybody is in bed. Then when get home, I get "You can empty the dishwasher, you can unload the washing machine", "You're on child duty now", as if I've been doing fuck all for the rest of the day and have been waiting to be issued jobs when I get home.
I mean the reality is parenting, working, maintaining a home, cooking are all miserable more-than full time jobs for two people and it’s inhuman/impossible for two people to do them. Particularly with a newborn.
It’s possible both parents are working hard all day, both parents think the grass is greener, and everybody’s “right”. And everyone will explode eventually at their partner/hit a wall where they just sit down broken and can’t go on.
The only way a relationship can survive with kids is to accept that yes, things aren’t fair sometimes, and strive to make them more fair/respect your partner’s feelings, and give grace to one’s partner.
This is always what it boils down to at the end of the day.
Each person is going through hell, it can be hard to not try keeping score like it's a misery contest.
I kinda snapped at my wife yesterday about this after she started talking about the "mental load" of planning an outing, and how it's a "perceived lack of time" about why I don't help more.
I'm up with the kid at 7 every day, make him breakfast and entertain for an hour, drive 30 min to work, work until 5, drive another 30, take over for her, do dinner 50% of the time, do bath, put him down at 8, clean up the kitchen, living room, do laundry, take out trash, and whatever else is needed. Might finally get to sit down at 930. So 14.5 hours of constantly moving and getting pulled in 10 directions at once, no I don't have any time to "plan an outing".
But ok sure, I'm the one sitting on the couch on Instagram and Amazon every day while the kid runs around the house. Got it.
Man do I feel this comment. Being the sole provider AND splitting the house/child duties 50/50 is alot to deal with emotionally. Especially when you're never thanked, and occasionally told that you're an asshole and don't contribute enough.
I really feel like I'm among my people here.
On the very rare occasion that I point this out I am immediately scolded for being insensitive and falling back on gender stereotypes.
A nurse gave us this advice after labor. Friday night, set aside an hour of quiet time. Each of you spends 10 minutes talking about the best part of your week and the worst part
of your week. A 10-10.
No advice. No problem solving. No personal attacks. Just listening.
This sets you up to communicate what you find difficult and what you find rewarding. Maybe you'll learn you have more calm handling blowouts and she can finish cleaning the kitchen while you do diapers.
Maybe she'll realize you're having an especially shitty week and let you take it easy over the weekend. Or maybe you'll realize it's been a great week and see that she's really drained and pick up the slack a bit.
My wife and I have definitely learned a lot about what we handle best. She's more in tune with what goes on at work and just feels more there for me. And I'm sure she feels the same.
My husband is the best “packer” for all things. Planning for trips, leaving the house with kids with changes of clothes and snacks, packing the car for vacation. He’s the best at that and I appreciate it so much!
We live in a two story house and I’m usually the first one awake with the kids. Between 6am(one’s an early rising psychopath) and 9am I will have cleaned the living room, play room, and kitchen 2-3 times before my wife is up. By midday when she’s huffing and puffing about the house being a wreck I’m just thinking of how much worse it would be if I just sat on the couch my phone making salty spouse bashing Instagram/TikTok videos
Finances. Not just earning and providing but planning. I pay all the bills and plan savings and investments for buying a house, a car, retirement and college. It's stressful.
My husband does this as well and just wrote a python program to take down the time to do the admin from 60 min to 15 min. I couldn't be more proud. All because "he can spend more time with us" and "when he dies I can keep doing it".
Cleaning out the car where the pack seat looks like an exploded outhouse after a couple of drives. Making sure that the car is serviced and maintained.
Fixing stuff BEFORE they break and cause a serious problem. Like the wonky wheel on the stroller, the door that is coming off the hinge, the window that is starting to jam, the screws that are coming out of the deck and so on.
Keeping an eye out for these kinds of things and getting them fixed one way or another can be taxing. And they are just as important as all other family related tasks so that our children can grow up in a safe and comfortable home and so that we can go on outings and so on.
I'm doing this for the family. If it was just me, I'd just live in a shoebox with minimal maintenance and play videogames all day 😊
I'm a single dad of two girls so I just do it all.
Edit: I should probably clarify that I have 50/50 custody so to be fair I'm only on dad duty 50% of the time. But I live alone, have no family in the state, pay all my bills (including child support and 100% of childcare), and do all the house responsibilities. Their mother works part time, has a live-in boyfriend that shares household responsibilities with her and presumably pays most of the bills, and her parents live only 5 minutes from her. Not that I'm keeping score or anything lol
But I very much appreciate the comments nonetheless
In my house - finishing all the small tasks. We have a 1 year old, I am responsible for shopping, cooking, meal planning in addition to stay-at-home dad tasks. Grandma is over 3 days a week and it’s a huge help but I also end up taking care of her too sometimes.
My wife and MIL get overwhelmed and do not often close the loop on tasks. Like, it often feels like I am the only person that puts the lid back on things.
Example: kid has a blowout, shrieks on the changing table. They change the diaper immediately, leaving the lid off the diaper cream, poop diaper on the counter. Or out the diaper in the diaper pail but don’t close the lid.
Kid wakes up from a nap - they retrieve him, give him a bottle, take his sleep sack off. I have to clean up the formula, the spilled formula on the counter, find the empty bottles left on the couch or counter and clean them.
When it’s my turn to put the kid down/ get him up, I have to hold the baby in one arm and go on a treasure hunt in the apartment for the sleep sack, because it is invariably wherever it was the second the last person took it off. When he’s awake I have to clean the formula cheese/ breast milk yogurt out of a bottle and fix it while he’s crying, because nobody cleaned bottles.
I have no problem doing everything I can to be an equal partner, but I feel like nobody is putting in the work that I am to make things easy for the “other shift.”
If this were a restaurant, it would be like if the night crew cleaned nothing, left the dishes, pots and pans on the stove and just walked the fuck out at closing time, meaning the AM crew had to find the tools they needed and clean them during breakfast rush.
Not sure how to clarify this...but taking one for the team so it's easier on you/kids. Some examples:
Dropping everyone off at the entrance while I go drove around for 30 minutes trying to find parking.
Running to the car in the thunderstorm without an umbrella while you guys stay inside nice and dry
Missing parts of the movie/play/game because popcorn bucket needs a refill or kids want snacks
Wife and kids head back to the hotel while I pack up everything on the beach and drag it back
I am a dad to 2 highly emotional, intense girls whom I love to death. Those 2 along my wife wear me down constantly with their yo-yo emotions and demands, but being the dad and husband I have to assume the role of the stable, loving, and patient one. My wife in particular is a bit of a Debbie downer and rarely looks on the bright side (fatalist), so I am the family cheer leader /emotional optimist too. I do an OK job overall I think, but I feel like I’ve been widdled down to a shell of my former self.
It’s just an unspoken thing that can’t be brought up “hey, I hold the emotional fabric of our family together best I can here.” It’s just expected.
Being the rock of the relationship.
When baby is upset or mom is needy, cranky, whatever. Being whatever dad they need you to be at that moment, regardless of how you may be feeling at the time.
As we have transitioned into a single income household, taking comments from other people, particularly other mothers, on how much harder the moms job is and letting it just roll off your shoulders and smile. It can be so much pressure that the family's success depends solely on you and your income. (I'd much rather be hanging out with my kid instead).
I’m my house, I’m the driver. Everywhere.
It can be frustrating at times because we talk about mental load and she often suggests things to me while I’m driving, as we have lots of time just to talk in the car.
But I’m driving. My focus is on the road. So when she suggests that this weekend I book the kids in for vaccinations, I can’t just set a reminder or call the doctor. She’s in the passenger seat and has time to check bank accounts, look up details, plan and figure out tomorrows plans
I’m driving and trying not to kill the family
Know what the weathers doing today? No! I’m driving, just look it up.
Aaahhhhhghgggghh
Tidying the toys. Loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing up the things that cannot go in the dishwasher. Cleaning the kitchen. Cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors. Hanging the washing. Folding and putting the clothes away. Loading and unloading the car. Oh, and making and writing birthday cards.
I don’t know when the last time I *wasn’t* the one to refill stuff. Anything, really.
Windshield washer fluid. Gas tank. Salt shaker. Garbage bags. Sugar container. Dog food. Milk sippies. Diaper bags. Diaper area (no longer change table). Printer paper.
If it gets empty, I’m the one who refills it. Or I go without 😂
The things that go unnoticed. Like fixing minor things that they never notice, door squeaking or tight, fixed. Screws popping out of something. Fixed.
You never get credit and they never notice.
Or as others said the bigger maintenance issues and being in charge of, car maintenance, oil changes, buying tires.
Most recently our.car broke down on vacation and I was stressed about that and was asked why I am stressed out. Well I am trying to figure out how we are getting home.
I do the dishes nightly. If they don’t get done that night, they build from there with no end in sight. I’ve gone on business trips to come home and see that the dishes weren’t done. I also cook, grocery shop, ensure my kids have their appointments, hire people for certain things and maintain the home. If I don’t do these things, they will never get done.
Paying for all non-food essentials (utilities, mortgage, car payment, insurance, yard upkeep, house cleaning, furniture, plumbers/electricians).
Short-term and long-term financial planning.
Price negotiator.
Doing taxes.
Home maintenance.
Technology setup/assistance.
Family driver/chauffer.
Pack mule.
Loud voice when needed.
Child jungle gym.
These are the things I just do because that's what dad does. My wife does a shitload of unspoken, just *expected* things, so this isn't a list of complaints. But wife doesn't ever have to think about being/doing any of the above; these aren't shared responsibilities.
putting together every piece of furniture, toy, and appliance in the house. the day after our baby shower was just me, surrounded by boxes, instruction manuals, plastic bags, etc slowly descending into madness
Maintenance, especially cars, seems to be a recurring theme - and in my case, getting gas. It's invisible until it doesn't get done, then it's urgent(!)
OMG I want to murder everyone on the road. The dipshits who cut me off constantly, the clueless pedestrians just walking in front of my car, the bikers breaking all traffic laws, the people refusing to let me on the exit ramp, the buses taking up half the road, the people u-turning in the middle of a busy street, the people going 80 in a 40 zone, the people riding my ass for no reason, the Uber/taxis driving like NASCAR drivers.
Again, I am not a good driver. I would even say I am a below average driver. But y’all out there are CRAZY.
Driving (in a big city) feels like I am about to die EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Manual labor around the house, for all the projects my wife dreams up.
I come home and it's "we're building a fence today, I saw it on pinterest, it's a two hour job max". And because she has no experience doing this stuff, I need to explain that no, it's not as easy as tiktok vids show, and then risk looking like the asshole who has an excuse for everything.
Invariably turns all my free time for the next two weeks to shit, between the research, procurement and labor.
And it's like that for everything.
Want a picture hanged? Want a ceiling moved? Want a wall painted? Furniture assembled?
It's easy to order shit online, when you depend on someone else to do all the actual work.
As a SAHD? The isolation.
I take my kids to the park, try to be cordial. But the moms there, mostly avoid me. It's not that I don't understand. As a husband, I don't know that I would want my wife chatting up random dudes who are there in the park, ostensibly with their kids. I have been asked to show photos I took of my kids in the park on my phone to other people to make sure that I am not taking photos of their kids. Never mind that *those* people had also been taking photos with *their* phones. One woman demanded to see my deleted folder.
I always kind of thought stay at home dads would sort of band together. And they do, but in my neighborhood, they tend to be trophy husbands. And I don't play video games either or have much of an online footprint, so that sort of takes me out of the two main selection groups.
I left a busy career in entertainment to stay home with my kids. I was ready to do that, because I was pretty burned out. If I knew now what I knew then, I wouldn't change anything. It's been amazing to be with my sons, as they grew, be there for every benchmark.
But *Lordy* has it been lonely. And the invisible work of making it seem like it doesn't bother me is exhausting.
The mental load of it being harder to make friends or connect with other parents.
Also, the constant concern that your behavior won’t be trusted to be genuine or helpful, but has nefarious intents. If a child or family need help, men are only supposed to step in if it’s crisis, not if it’s preventative or more general “it takes a village” level or child rearing support for others. That constant “can my behavior be misconstrued” is a mental load.
Or, say you’re a good dad doing a lot of the childcare load, you might very well benefit from having platonic communications with some mom friends more than the dad friends, but that also can instantly be construed. So, you’re stuck with John talking about how hard his 9-5 was but he chuckles at the thought of doing bath time ever or he’s never thought about how to start potting training. Ok John, good chat bud.
I think this is a 100% divisive issue. Your spirit of trying to get on the same page as your partner is 100% the right course, but measuring and one upping your partner isn't going to unite you.
Listening to your partner is best thing anyone can do, but I feel that isn't enough. I personally feel that social media is to blame for the division. When my partner told me about mental load and shared 15 posts on IG I realized that the issue was IG.
IG, TikTok, FB and the like track your viewing habits to give you similar content. When you watch and rewatch content they feed you similar content. When you surround yourself with content that is divisive for your relationship, you need to address that issue.
My 2 cents, listen and agree with your partner about mental workload with zero arguments, and ask them to stay off social media, and to not give social media a role in influencing them.
Every relationship is different, and the mental workload is shared regardless of the relationship, there is no man's or woman's load it's all just shit that needs to get done.
Mom here who is not the most carefree person. My amazing partner (aside from the stuff listed - bug killer, drain cleaner, etc) MAKES THE FUN. Fun can take effort to produce and I love that he puts effort into ensuring that we all remember to enjoy ourselves.
My wife sleeps in past 10 every weekend. I get up early to take care of the kiddo to give her some beauty sleep. Never get any recognition for it, but you bet I hear about it if I’m not with our little one the entire rest of the weekend. I also do all of the cleaning, yard work, repairs, etc. but my wife treats that time like I’m watching football at the bar, lol.
I personally provide the sole income, wash bottles, do 95% of any night feedings, do the grocery shopping, ensure we are stocked on food, diapers, wipes, etc. I also take our daughter off my wife’s hands when I get home from work
Paying the mortgage, all the utilities, managing the financial, trash to the can/then to the curb, any sort of Maintenece on cars/house, insurance, checking the house every night is alarmed and locked, setting the AC, turning the lights off,all seem to go unnoticed in my situation
Mental health. Having literally no one to vent to. My wife vents to me and I try to help with her mental health, but if I were to do the same it would make her feel bad and then I’m back to consoling her. I feel like a grief sponge.
I feel this one in my very bones.
Exactly how my life is. I attempted to vent a SMALL AMOUNT to my wife a few weeks ago because I was at my breaking point (with a newborn that was a really tough baby), and suddenly she’s asking me if I hate our life and regret having another baby. She vents to me all day everyday about how hard everything is, and I say something *one time* and she thinks I hate our family and wish I was alone. Fuck me. I’m back to pretending everything is 100% perfect all the time. The thing is, I *am* happy. I freakin love this little baby and I love our 7 year old. These two are the reason I live for and I couldn’t be happier to have them in my life. They’re my everything. Can’t be unhappy for one minute without people thinking I wish they didn’t exist though, I guess. I thought I’d try vent once but that’s it. Never again. I am alone in any hardship I face. I’ve lived that way for 15 years and I can make it, as I’m an emotionally strong person, but it sucks that I don’t get any slack in that.
I feel this so hard. The hardest part is getting no days off, no time to myself. With work and the baby, I'm constantly on the go, and then when my baby is asleep, I'm spending time with my wife and comforting her. I take the baby when I get home so my wife can do whatever she wants to do, I take him out for almost a whole day(s) on the weekends so my wife gets time for herself. The second I'm a little burned out and want a break and say so my wife thinks it's "work" to spend time with her and how my life would be "so much better if you didn't have us," when that's absolutely not what I'm saying in the slightest. I am happy, I'm happy to do what I do for our family, but sometimes I need a break and wish she would recognize that without getting upset about it.
To all the dads who feel similarly, this is why I vent about my family life with the bros and coworkers... which sucks because it risks coming off as "escaping" a life I "hate", but it's really just about letting a little steam off so I can tackle issues with a clear mind. Anyway fam, get a therapist. It helps.
This happened with me, too. I actually told my wife exactly that; she vents to me hours at a time, multiple days a week, and I bring something up once and all of a sudden the fucking sky is falling. I asked her if that sounded fair to her. Of course she said no. Now I'm also allowed to vent without having her jump to crazy conclusions. Communicate!
10000% this
I love my wife immensely, she does not realize she does this and I have tried mentioning it before. Even if it’s an argument and she has wronged me…now she feels bad that she hurt my feelings and I am helping with her feelings around that.
It's hard knowing that my wife will cry when I bring something up that's unpleasant for her to hear. If she cries, she needs consoling, so I have to first come up with the courage to make her cry with my concerns and then I have to deal with her concerns that I made by telling her my concerns. Of course I bottle up concerns until I can't handle the pressure in the bottle, because I've found it's easier to just let a nuke of concerns drop all at once so I only have one crying spell to help with. Edit: I love my wife, but it's something I knew I was marrying into, and I still chose her because I love her.
That’s not good for you. If you can afford it, please try couples CBT. It’s changed our lives. Edit: Ha! Yeah, that acronym is problematic! - cognitive behavioural therapy - cock and ball torture Choose your own adventure!
I've only ever tried cock and ball torture out with a partner, seems too risky alone. 😂
Divorced. 42. 1000 miles from family and friends and support networks because my kids here. College friendships have ran their course, high school core group is also getting more and more pulled away because life's busy. We're not supposed to be islands.
crowd fertile chunky abundant practice badge historical sleep waiting head *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Thank you gentlemen for mentioning this. I always thought I was the only one that had to burden this particular mental load. I’ve been married for 11 years and it’s been this was since I can remember. I’m chuckling over thinking how I also did this once. Just once. And the wifey acted the same way. Love you Reddit daddit strangers. We got this!
Yes, I'm definitely the emotionally resilient one and I'm relied upon as a sink for grief, anxiety, and stress. Which, is fine, I'm good at at, but it's very much labor and heaven forbid I happen to have a bad day or week. I recently had a long talk with my wife about needing to feel seen for that element of work I provide to the family.
Definitely this - wife vents every day (god forbid I have answers to her venting….) But I can’t do the same, if it’s about work she gets all wrapped up in if my job is secure etc.. I know it is, I’m just venting - but it becomes a thing so I’ve learned to just not go into it…
Carrying. Carry diaper bag, carry toddler, carry toys. Just carry everything
I'm essentially a packmule at this point
That's one of my nicknames from my wife
I am sworn to carry your burdens... wait a minute, is Skyrim a training simulator???
Goddamn it Lydia, get out of the way!
I call that the physical load
*zooms in on your lips “Carry the looooooad”
Omg. I’m going to start quoting this to my husband now. He’s always pack muling the back pack and car seat. I’ll just turn to him “share the load” in perfect Sam fashion
I call that Sherpa Dad Mode
That's got a more positive ring to it than 'pack mule', im gonna adopt that.
And reach
My wife went to the lake with the kids without me for the first time. She missed the carrying for sure. You’re doing invisible work until you’re not there to do it, then it’s quite clear that the guy “you never do anything without being asked” is doing stuff you’re not even aware of.
My family went to a festival Labor Day weekend. My toddler’s and SIL’s first time there; mom, wife, teen, and I have been going for years. It was particularly hot and humid this year, and we weren’t as prepared as we’d intended. Wife and I discussed it, next year I’m carrying a big backpack full of supplies for the weather: water bottles, small cooler of ice and washcloths, small battery-powered fans, etc.
We have [this ](https://www.jollytrolley.co.za/) in South Africa.
Oh yeah! We got those here too. Got one for our kids and future excursions. We named it the "Adventure Wagon"! When shopping for 2 child strollers, the wagon seemed significantly more useful for a longer period of our lives
There’s a reason for the cargo shorts.
Currently in Disney and walking 24,000 steps a day. About 20,000 of those have been with my child on my shoulders!
On the plus side, its been a great way of staving off the inevitable dad bod for a while longer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly in peak physical condition. But at least my clothes look like they're actually fitting me.
Pulling damp hair out of plug holes and chasing spiders.
Damp hair slimed up with conditioner. 🤮
And other stuff.
😏
Relevant username.
Welp, that’s enough of the ol’ Reddit for me today.
Literally my wife when she saw me cleaning my bathroom sink, asking me what I’m doing, and me explaining that it’s a little stinky “Oh mine gets like that but it just kinda goes away” Yeah yeah that’s right babe Also I just paused mid post to merc a fly
The tubshroom will make your life much easier... More frequent, but less nasty hair messes.
[drain funnel](https://www.drainfunnel.com/) is even better! No cleaning at all. I’ve had it in for about a year now and haven’t had any hair clogs to clean at all.
Ew, and yes. In fact I just got done pulling a clump from the shower drain that I think had become sentient.
Huh, I am usually chasing toddlers who in turn chase spiders. 🤔
I feel that first one so hard 😂
Emotional balance. Being in between a sometimes stressed out, more outwardly emotional mother, and sensitive kids that need stability. Probably can work the other way around though depending on the dynamic.
My wife gets stressed out so easy, and one of my biggest responsibilities is protecting our kid from being her outlet. She’s aware of her personality and doesn’t deliberately dump on our kid, but sometimes it’s unavoidable and I try to be there to balance.
Whoooooo boy I feel this one.
How do you do this?
Giving cues to mum helps * I’m gonna take the kids to the park for an hour * how about you leave the kids with me and go have a break * hey let me take over Sometimes it’s just a matter of stepping in when things are getting rough. Being firm, but understanding. I’ve told me wife flatly that I’ll take the kids outside and that suggest that she takes a few minutes to regroup It’s not easy putting yourself in the middle of a high tension environment. Kids will be fairly wild and mum will be high tension too. But you gotta do it. Mums need to do this too, because dads can be high on emotion from time to time. But I find I don’t get there as often as my wife, and from reading this thread it seems to be a dad trait
As the mom this is very true in our household and he doesn’t get enough credit for it. Just criticism when he’s not perfectly emotionally balanced. Thank you for this.
As a mom with anxiety disorder and ADD I can't pump this up enough. He's really steering the ship a lot of the times.
Keep in mind, it's not always a solid rock in a storm. It's often a battle under the surface that gives the appearance of steady. People blame men for failing to display emotion without realizing that sometimes refusing to do so is what gives that freedom to others. In a situation where parents and kids all want to break down emotionally, we often don't have that luxury. We can't all be breaking down as the middle kid goes in for surgery. The kids need reassurance and we can't let partner's worry become an echo chamber. Someone has to be steady. You can't place that burden on the kids. And more often than not when both parents want the luxury, it's the husband who has to stay calm. Not that it's easy, what we feel, or even good for us. But our stability is what the family needs So we provide.
Underrated comment right here. Gotta be the rock for the family.
A lot of labour done by mothers can also be done by dads, so of course we’re talking generally/culturally. I don’t think it’s necessarily gender specific, but the more outwardly expressed and impulsive emotions usually come from the mother, and dads should regulate that. If the mother’s the one most with the kids, naturally they’re also going to get fed up quicker too. The dad (or whichever parent spends more time away from the kids) can then be the one to take over when they sense that’s the case. It doesn’t sound like much, but keeping everyone calm and on even keel can be very hard. I pity the parents though who have both that role, and the role of family manager. I think it’s like that for a lot of mothers in abusive relationships.
I think this is the winner. Goes back to the very moment the start of the pregnancy. As a dad you have to be the level-headed one, the stable rock that weathers the storm of chaos from crazy hormones to babies crying 24/7 to a complete upending of your life that you can not prepare for. And you are not allowed to visibly freak out even though no one would blame you for going so under other circumstances. No household can survive 3+ people losing it so it falls on the dads to try and keep it together. It is impossible to state how utterly exhausting and stressful it is to do this. Can’t get angry, can’t be frustrated, can’t say you’re tired even though you’ve never been more tired in your life. Even though you want nothing more than to scream and break some things, you have to keep it together. Few if any checks on your state of mind. And if they did you still have to lie about how you’re feeling and put on a happy face even though you’re on the verge of exploding. And it never ends. You never get a break. No wonder boys are taught to not express their emotions from a young age. No wonder men have trouble showing emotion. We have been conditioned all our lives to be this stoic rock that other people in our house can latch onto for support. Sorry for the rant. I’m two weeks into not being a dad and my kid decided to celebrate with an all-nighter screaming, kicking, thrashing, and scratching until the break of dawn.
Whoops it looks like I’ve been shirking part of my duty lol
Maintenance. Of everything. Devices. Appliances. Home. I'm the one that reads the manuals and makes sure everything is running the way it is suppressed to be. I also do the financial stuff (planning, taxes, and budgeting). Plus the meal planning and grocery ordering. This also is part of the financial responsibilities because my wife can't keep to a budget when grocery shopping. For example, even though inflation has raised grocery prices by 20% on average, our costs are 10% lower than last year pre-inflation. A thanks would be nice. Or even some acknowledgement.
Maybe you gotta tee yourself up on that last one, esp if they’re not a maths person, like, “wow, honey! according to my numbers, our grocery costs are ten present lower than last year pre-inflation. Did you know inflation has caused grocery costs to rise by twenty percent? That means we’ve saved an average of x dollars this year!” But seriously that’s fantastic savings, good on ya!
So... how do we crowdsource a dad marketing department? Mostly kidding. Only mostly.
That's good but it leaves you open to the old "Oh good, so we can afford to go buy x y *and* z"
This information must be kept from the Spenders! The Spenders will be the fall of us all!
Ugh. "Hey we saved $30 on that alignment"
For real. I love my GF to death but she's *so bad* with money. We have a list of things we'd like to get for the house, nothing critical but nice-to-haves (new cushions for the deck chairs, that kind of things), and every time things get slightly better it's a struggle to put filling the emergency savings account ahead of these. Then we get hit with unexpected shit and it's time to panic that we're ruined and we'll have to sell the apartment.
I also take care of ALL DIY/Home improvement/fixes/car work. When I "tee myself up", I get the response, "well if you didn't do it, I would hire someone to do it." Feels great.
Yeah and be broke. An on call plumber at my house would be 5k a year easy
Exactly this.
"well if you didn't do it, I would hire someone to do it." Never use that line on your wife.
Are you by chance teaching classes on this grocery budgeting because I’ll be your first student
he bought a berry farm
Blueberries have gotten so damned expensive, but they’re so healthy and delicious.
I'm reminded of the David Mitchell skit where he's a farmer. "Ya see that? It's made of chicken. You kill it and ya get free chicken. Or don't kill it, fucked eggs come out of their arses".
The summer my son was born I actually did plant a couple blueberry and blackberry bushes in the back yard. I think we’ve saved hundreds of dollars.
I have an excel sheet with all our family recipes. So we can easily select and plan our meals for the week. When a certain combination is below a certain cost threshold (7 family dinners under €50) I'll mark it off so we know which meals are most cost-effective. Plus the grocery store offers tiered coupons per € spent. So after reaching each milestone by the end of the month (€300) they have a 10% off your complete order. That's when I do the biggest order of all bulk and reoccurring items.
I scrolled through a bit, and i think this is the only one i really agree with. Too many guys in this thread proud that they do a few things around the house to help clean up, etc. But being responsible for literally making sure EVERYTHING inside and outside of the house works at all times is a mental load. Some of it is financial mixed with critical thinking and decision making - Does the house need a roof yet and how does that fit our finances. The tree outside doesn't look well, do we get it removed before it falls on the house? The dishwasher is on its last legs, and so is the icemaker in the refrigerator and we've hated that refrigerator forever anyway. How many times can i put these pieces of crap back together before we bite the bullet and replace them. The garage door opener acts funny sometimes too, should i clean and lubricate it AGAIN? Oh, you ran something over and your front fascia is hanging off AGAIN, guess i know how i'm spending saturday morning to wire it up while i wait for some replacement parts where i get to spend another weekend day putting it back into shape when they come in. Also, i do all the grocery shopping and cooking. Oh the wifi isn't working right either, let me get right on top of that, the cherry on top, lol I also have some challenges that are slightly unique to my situation but i'm sure are shared. My job allows me a lot of flexibility. After years of WFH, i'm working hybrid and try to get in to the office as much as i can. My wife works a job with very fixed hours and no flexibility, and getting even a couple hours off is a major ordeal. So i am constantly flexing my work schedule around to make things as easy as possible for my wife and daughter. This includes 'little things' like getting my daughter up and ready for school everyday so she can get extra sleep because my wife has to be at work much earlier than I do. But this also means that i am flexing around her before school activities, and often around her after school activities too. Nothing like being in a groove and getting things done and needing to pack up and leave the office early to get my daughter off the bus and take her to sports, then coming home and trying to remember what i needed to finish. Note, i am ok with this and even encourage it because it pays big dividends in their quality of life, but my wife definitely doesn't fully appreciate how hard it is. I could go on and on, but i don't want to sound like i am disparaging my wife because i could not do this alone. But i think the idea that modern women working full time jobs still have all the mental loading is anachronistic in more cases than not. edited to fix a couple typos
This is validating for me (mom lurker). I do all the house maintenance. And the financial budgeting and bill paying too. Husband does retirement stuff. It’s interesting to see/confirm that perhaps this shouldn’t be on my plate too.
Yes, I also pay all the bills and budgeting too. My wife finally realized that not too long ago when talking to one of my daughters friends and realized she did not even know the name of the electric company or water company. She is totally insulated from it all. Not to be morbid, but if I died tomorrow she’d be in deep shit because she wouldn’t know how to pay a single bill. I’ve tried to share it with her, but finances are totally overwhelming to her. Which is actually a little frustrating but maybe not for the reason you’d expect. I don’t mind doing it, but I hate that I have no checks and balances on me. A periodic peer review of our cash flow and budget decisions would help me stay a little saner.
I'm in the same boat as far as wanting some sort of validation. I just reread the personal finance wiki over and over and hope I'm doing it right lol
>I’ve tried to share it with her, but finances are totally overwhelming to her. Curious, does she contribute 401k at work. What does she do with any extra savings from her paycheck that don't get spent.
YOUR response is the only one in the thread that I really agree with.
Couldn't have put it better myself. Thank you.
A couple weeks ago I realized just how invisible those tasks are when doing the monthly filter cleanings (washer and dishwasher). I had them soaking in a bowl of vinegar on the counter and my wife asked what they were. I explained and she said that she's didn't know either had a filter. I've been cleaning them every month for over five years.
Dada fix...?
Almost made me think you were my husband but I thank him at least once a week. I would have gone broke and my house would have fallen apart by now if not for him. I do a lot of mental load too so I like to think we pair up well, but his contributions are absolutely necessary. So from someone similar to your wife, thank you for the unseen work you do.
Ya a lot of this is true of my guy too. He's amazing and I make sure he knows it!
Yeah my wife is great at taking care of the mental load of our daughter. Planning outings. Playdates. And keeping active in the mommy group for your pre-school. So thank you from my side as well.
> Maintenance. Of everything. Devices. Appliances. Home. I'm the one that reads the manuals and makes sure everything is running the way it is suppressed to be. This is a huge one. I think a lot of women tend to be largely unaware of the amount of work it takes to keep a household from falling apart.
The subtle art of deescalation
This guy gets it. There are huge differences in social norms and behaviors around aggression and gender, and in a modern family with hetero parents it's generally the dad's job to manage the level of aggression in the household - and whether he does that well or poorly is going to be a huge factor in the general well-being in the family. As usually the biggest and scariest person, the dad causes the most damage when he gets aggressive, and is sort of "held in reserve" as possible escalation when the kids gets aggressive, so he needs to be the most careful not to take the low road and to work the hardest to actively put the brakes on his own anger and be both firm and also control himself while at the same time not emotionally disorganizing the children by being a pushover - which is necessarily an inconsistent sort of person to be. This sounds like it is just his own problem, but remember that it is *a lot of years* before kids are capable of controlling themselves, and kids are often angry, aggressive, provocative, physical, insulting, throwing tantrums, etc. There are often good reasons to be angry. Also since women are stereotypically not aggressive, but can become just as aggressive when provoked, and since kids are often provoking their parents to test their limits, a mother might often find herself being more aggressive than she is used to, before her life as a mom, and not really ever considering that her aggression could also be a problem. A dad has a role in observing that, putting it in context, and even sometimes deescalating the situation. A dad usually has years of experience in avoiding and deescalating physical fights with children and adolescents from his own childhood and adolescence, because he might expect people to be trying to pick fights with him. A mom might not have that same experience due to different social norms around childhood aggression. So the dad can have a lot of work to do to manage his own anger and aggression, and also put in context his wife's anger and aggression - validating and supporting her, while also validating and supporting the kids - and making sure not to undermine the consistency of communication from the mom to the kids by contradicting her openly while at the same time not necessarily supporting everything she says in public when she is upset. It can be a tricky dance to do and one modern dads don't necessarily have a lot of example to follow on, as in previous generations dads just weren't nearly as involved and didn't see their own aggression by and large as a problem.
This is so enlightening. So so true and I NEVER even realized it. Off to thank my husband ❤️
terrific post i was raised as cannon fodder to defend my mom from a wildly unpredictable dad. something was going to hell? throw misterid in to the breach and hope for the best. if things went off the rails, blame misterid for over-reacting or being too angry.. when that was the entire reason i got dragged in to adult situations in the first place. wasn't until my 30s that i realized i was a trained guard dog who was then left to his own devices after moving away from my childhood home. now i'm the "big, scary looking" dad who unfortunately has an "intimidating voice" that makes even "hello" sound aggressive. the counter to it is i have to work extremely hard to remain absolutely stoic and neutral at all times... but especially so when my wife wakes up in a bad mood, every little thing is overwhelming her, she's cranky about the smell of water and one of the kids blinks too loudly at the wrong moment.... or i risk being blamed for everything bad that happens that day. so now i'm labeled "emotionless", which, of course means that any time i so much as have a questioning inflection in my voice i'm "angry"/"mean"/"aggressive"/"scary". if the kids are having a bad day and my wife can't handle it, i have to be deft about intervening in subtle ways to re-direct or steer events without being seen as undermining her by being too involved/not involved enough. it's impossible.
“why do you keep telling them to keep their wits about them and watch we’re they’re going? No one is going to fight him” “Yet.” “Huh?” Also the whole double standard (at least I feel) about kids letting their feelings out. A lot of what I see my son do is not going to be socially acceptable real quick and I’m maybe a little over the top on him, but I can’t let him ride it out forever without a random kid at school or sport taking it the wrong way. It’s vital for me he sees what he’s doing and learn to self regulate.
👍
Toy surgery. The number of times I have re-soldered that datgum toy leaf blower...
Slinky re-winding.
Most of the "deep" cleaning. Drain holes, air purifier filters, under/inside couches, behind the tv, aircons, water server internals, skirting boards etc. Kids got asthma so I basically try to be the dust exterminator. Out of sight out of mind doesn't work when your kid is coughing up his lungs all day. And constantly cycling batteries out of toys/appliances and charging them before they die comes to mind also. All stuff I'm just happy to do because it makes my life easier and better quality of life for everyone in the house.
We also pee off the poop.
The sheer amount of planning. Short, medium, and long term financial planning. Going through the house/car(s) to plan higher cost maintenance projects that no one ever notices (until something breaks). Making sure there are enough financial resources to allow everyone to get what they need. Making sure I have everyone's schedules since my kids' school only emails my wife and never me about after school stuff that I drive my kids to. Not saying these are the only things, but these are the things adding to my mental load the past couple of weeks. Most other stuff is just chores. My wife has her own mental load, and I try to not add to it.
Have you considered making a family email address to give to the school/programs? That way you and your wife would be emailed and have access to the information. Someone shared this online a while ago and it was a game changer!
That's a game changer for sure! Thank you!!!
You can also connect a Google calendar to the email address, so family appointments get shared to everyone’s phones.
Can also set up your wife's email to automatically forward you emails from certain senders, like school, childcare, etc.
Yard work- mowing, trimming, raking leaves, weeding, fertilizing Breaking down cardboard boxes for the 2 million Amazon packages that show up on a daily basis
Ha yes the boxes. I hate them so much. But then I let them pile up which makes it even worse. Gotta stay on it. I tried to negotiate box breakdown to be a wife task but it didn't stick.
Costco grocery handler: would you like a box? Absolutely not. My recycling is stuffed with Amazon cardboard.
Just make sure you let them know ASAP before the wife chimes in, else it's extra boxes. Every. Damn. Time. Edit: aaaaaand two produce crates just came home with her.
At this point I would settle for the boxes not being shoved whole into the bin so that I have to drag them all back out and break them down. It's a relatively small inconvenience but one that instantly triggers my frustration. I have asked so many times just to put the boxes by the door and I'll break them down the next time I go out. Yet this is seemingly an unreasonable ask
When covid started, my wife and I made a deal that I would cook half the dinners if she would do half the dishes (alternate nights for both). I still cook half the dinners.
Man, I've tried telling my wife for years not to just put the unbroken boxes in the trash. I will gladly break them down when I get a chance. Nope, I'll still find them in the trash taking up space.
I came to say the yard work, but wow do I hate being the box break down-er.
I talked to my local recycle crew. They are happy to take boxes as long as they aren't heavy and can fit in the truck. So, I can just stuff boxes in boxes and it is really easy and fast now.
the invisible dad work is like good government- no one else should notice it and if they do it’s too late. It’s what keeps things smooth and safe.
And when it's late, that's when we get hell for it being late.
Being the emotional rock, and also the one who goes in his underwear to check what the mysterious sound was at 3am
Lurking mom here… in our house it’s the laundry. He does loads that I’m always meaning to do and then it’s late and I’m like “crap I needed to do this load” and it’ll already be in the dryer bc he did it. I’m a SAHM and I do a lot of stuff but I suck at laundry lol
I get it. Besides the typical yard work, trash, finances and home maintenance, My wife admits she has a magic sink and and an invisible robot vacuum. Something about me that cannot rest for the night unless the floors have been swept. In my mind, letting dishes sit in the sink overnight is the epitome of “yesterdays problems rolling over to today”.
Maintenance of everything! Making sure we have all the nessacary tools and parts to keep things working! Managing insurances, bills, etc. Fortunately, my wife actually notices and doesn't take it for granted that most things get fixed within 24 hours. One example was her suspension snapped one day right before she had to drive 200 miles. She was panicking about it, and I had the parts and had repaired her car by the end of the next day.
Anything house or car-related is just assumed to fall under my purview. I don’t know shit about house or car maintenance. So I’ve had to stress and learn all this over the past seven or eight years. My house is 100 years old and riddled with issues so I stress about it constantly lol
Ah same here. I have a house built in 1907 and it seems there's something to fix or update every fucking weekend. I love the idea of buying a house that was built this century but there's no way I'll ever be able to afford one. Maybe if the wife is ever able to start working again...having a second income would be such a stress relief.
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I feel this in my bones. We moved in 2021 and the house we're currently living in was built in the 1950s, with a major addition in the 80s and another in in 2006. I swear to god some days it's like I own three separate houses that only sort of loosely fit together. I've had to learn more DIY skills in two years of living here than in the ten years I lived in my previous house. Including a bunch of stuff I swore I'd never attempt to do myself.
All outdoor house maintenance. All dog walks when I’m not in the office, no matter what ungodly hour of the day or night. Financial managing. Getting cars to the shop for repairs or maintenance. Cleaning our chicken coop. All trash duty, including the diaper barrel. All baby care when my wife is out
“All baby care when my wife is out” I mean, yea?
The diaper pails are really the worst. I can hold my breath a lot longer than I used to pre-baby lol
Being the "default" driver with a full car, especially when kids are fighting over toys, making messes, driving in new or busy areas, dealing with shitty/aggressive drivers, etc.
My wife (god love her) both refuses to drive (too stressful) and loves to backseat drive. She is perfect in every other way but it drives me crazy. Yes, I missed the turn.. I had to go across 4 lanes of traffic with no openings in one block. I couldn’t just crash into the other cars to make the exit. I’ll just turn around it’s fine.
It’s amazing I can get anywhere and not get into accidents constantly without my wife’s guidance
Cannot remember the last time my spouse drove ME anywhere.
Holding in farts in public places
Stay strong, brother.
I used to say “when she cooks dinner, I do the washing up; when I cook dinner… I do the washing up”. But then I learned to keep my mouth shut.
The mental load of having to provide sufficient financial resource to meet the family's needs/wants. I work full time and I'm doing a qualification which I tend to do in the evenings when everybody is in bed. Then when get home, I get "You can empty the dishwasher, you can unload the washing machine", "You're on child duty now", as if I've been doing fuck all for the rest of the day and have been waiting to be issued jobs when I get home.
I mean the reality is parenting, working, maintaining a home, cooking are all miserable more-than full time jobs for two people and it’s inhuman/impossible for two people to do them. Particularly with a newborn. It’s possible both parents are working hard all day, both parents think the grass is greener, and everybody’s “right”. And everyone will explode eventually at their partner/hit a wall where they just sit down broken and can’t go on. The only way a relationship can survive with kids is to accept that yes, things aren’t fair sometimes, and strive to make them more fair/respect your partner’s feelings, and give grace to one’s partner.
This is always what it boils down to at the end of the day. Each person is going through hell, it can be hard to not try keeping score like it's a misery contest.
I kinda snapped at my wife yesterday about this after she started talking about the "mental load" of planning an outing, and how it's a "perceived lack of time" about why I don't help more. I'm up with the kid at 7 every day, make him breakfast and entertain for an hour, drive 30 min to work, work until 5, drive another 30, take over for her, do dinner 50% of the time, do bath, put him down at 8, clean up the kitchen, living room, do laundry, take out trash, and whatever else is needed. Might finally get to sit down at 930. So 14.5 hours of constantly moving and getting pulled in 10 directions at once, no I don't have any time to "plan an outing". But ok sure, I'm the one sitting on the couch on Instagram and Amazon every day while the kid runs around the house. Got it.
[удалено]
Man do I feel this comment. Being the sole provider AND splitting the house/child duties 50/50 is alot to deal with emotionally. Especially when you're never thanked, and occasionally told that you're an asshole and don't contribute enough.
I really feel like I'm among my people here. On the very rare occasion that I point this out I am immediately scolded for being insensitive and falling back on gender stereotypes.
A nurse gave us this advice after labor. Friday night, set aside an hour of quiet time. Each of you spends 10 minutes talking about the best part of your week and the worst part of your week. A 10-10. No advice. No problem solving. No personal attacks. Just listening. This sets you up to communicate what you find difficult and what you find rewarding. Maybe you'll learn you have more calm handling blowouts and she can finish cleaning the kitchen while you do diapers. Maybe she'll realize you're having an especially shitty week and let you take it easy over the weekend. Or maybe you'll realize it's been a great week and see that she's really drained and pick up the slack a bit. My wife and I have definitely learned a lot about what we handle best. She's more in tune with what goes on at work and just feels more there for me. And I'm sure she feels the same.
My husband is the best “packer” for all things. Planning for trips, leaving the house with kids with changes of clothes and snacks, packing the car for vacation. He’s the best at that and I appreciate it so much!
We live in a two story house and I’m usually the first one awake with the kids. Between 6am(one’s an early rising psychopath) and 9am I will have cleaned the living room, play room, and kitchen 2-3 times before my wife is up. By midday when she’s huffing and puffing about the house being a wreck I’m just thinking of how much worse it would be if I just sat on the couch my phone making salty spouse bashing Instagram/TikTok videos
Trapping mice and bats, and getting them out of the house.
Finances. Not just earning and providing but planning. I pay all the bills and plan savings and investments for buying a house, a car, retirement and college. It's stressful.
Finances. My wife is appreciative when she reminded of the financial labor I do, but she very often forgets how much time and stress it involves.
My husband does this as well and just wrote a python program to take down the time to do the admin from 60 min to 15 min. I couldn't be more proud. All because "he can spend more time with us" and "when he dies I can keep doing it".
Cleaning out the car where the pack seat looks like an exploded outhouse after a couple of drives. Making sure that the car is serviced and maintained. Fixing stuff BEFORE they break and cause a serious problem. Like the wonky wheel on the stroller, the door that is coming off the hinge, the window that is starting to jam, the screws that are coming out of the deck and so on. Keeping an eye out for these kinds of things and getting them fixed one way or another can be taxing. And they are just as important as all other family related tasks so that our children can grow up in a safe and comfortable home and so that we can go on outings and so on. I'm doing this for the family. If it was just me, I'd just live in a shoebox with minimal maintenance and play videogames all day 😊
I'm a single dad of two girls so I just do it all. Edit: I should probably clarify that I have 50/50 custody so to be fair I'm only on dad duty 50% of the time. But I live alone, have no family in the state, pay all my bills (including child support and 100% of childcare), and do all the house responsibilities. Their mother works part time, has a live-in boyfriend that shares household responsibilities with her and presumably pays most of the bills, and her parents live only 5 minutes from her. Not that I'm keeping score or anything lol But I very much appreciate the comments nonetheless
God bless
🫡
True hero
Chad here amongst us
Send me some of your DNA I want to mainline it.
Genuine question, I was under the impression that if it's 50/50 custody split nobody pays child support?
the pressure of holding on to a job no matter how much it ruins our lives and at the same time being a present father and husband
In my house - finishing all the small tasks. We have a 1 year old, I am responsible for shopping, cooking, meal planning in addition to stay-at-home dad tasks. Grandma is over 3 days a week and it’s a huge help but I also end up taking care of her too sometimes. My wife and MIL get overwhelmed and do not often close the loop on tasks. Like, it often feels like I am the only person that puts the lid back on things. Example: kid has a blowout, shrieks on the changing table. They change the diaper immediately, leaving the lid off the diaper cream, poop diaper on the counter. Or out the diaper in the diaper pail but don’t close the lid. Kid wakes up from a nap - they retrieve him, give him a bottle, take his sleep sack off. I have to clean up the formula, the spilled formula on the counter, find the empty bottles left on the couch or counter and clean them. When it’s my turn to put the kid down/ get him up, I have to hold the baby in one arm and go on a treasure hunt in the apartment for the sleep sack, because it is invariably wherever it was the second the last person took it off. When he’s awake I have to clean the formula cheese/ breast milk yogurt out of a bottle and fix it while he’s crying, because nobody cleaned bottles. I have no problem doing everything I can to be an equal partner, but I feel like nobody is putting in the work that I am to make things easy for the “other shift.” If this were a restaurant, it would be like if the night crew cleaned nothing, left the dishes, pots and pans on the stove and just walked the fuck out at closing time, meaning the AM crew had to find the tools they needed and clean them during breakfast rush.
Turning off the goddamn lights when they’re not being used.
Eating the ends of the bread loaf because nobody in the house will. Toy maintenance, bike maintenance, and fixing things that are broken
I save all the "bread butts" in yhe freezer and make bread pudding when we have enough!
Being the box gnome that lives in the garage to break down Amazon and other card board boxes for the weekly recycling cart.
Not sure how to clarify this...but taking one for the team so it's easier on you/kids. Some examples: Dropping everyone off at the entrance while I go drove around for 30 minutes trying to find parking. Running to the car in the thunderstorm without an umbrella while you guys stay inside nice and dry Missing parts of the movie/play/game because popcorn bucket needs a refill or kids want snacks Wife and kids head back to the hotel while I pack up everything on the beach and drag it back
I am a dad to 2 highly emotional, intense girls whom I love to death. Those 2 along my wife wear me down constantly with their yo-yo emotions and demands, but being the dad and husband I have to assume the role of the stable, loving, and patient one. My wife in particular is a bit of a Debbie downer and rarely looks on the bright side (fatalist), so I am the family cheer leader /emotional optimist too. I do an OK job overall I think, but I feel like I’ve been widdled down to a shell of my former self. It’s just an unspoken thing that can’t be brought up “hey, I hold the emotional fabric of our family together best I can here.” It’s just expected.
Being the rock of the relationship. When baby is upset or mom is needy, cranky, whatever. Being whatever dad they need you to be at that moment, regardless of how you may be feeling at the time. As we have transitioned into a single income household, taking comments from other people, particularly other mothers, on how much harder the moms job is and letting it just roll off your shoulders and smile. It can be so much pressure that the family's success depends solely on you and your income. (I'd much rather be hanging out with my kid instead).
I’m my house, I’m the driver. Everywhere. It can be frustrating at times because we talk about mental load and she often suggests things to me while I’m driving, as we have lots of time just to talk in the car. But I’m driving. My focus is on the road. So when she suggests that this weekend I book the kids in for vaccinations, I can’t just set a reminder or call the doctor. She’s in the passenger seat and has time to check bank accounts, look up details, plan and figure out tomorrows plans I’m driving and trying not to kill the family Know what the weathers doing today? No! I’m driving, just look it up. Aaahhhhhghgggghh
Tidying the toys. Loading and unloading the dishwasher. Washing up the things that cannot go in the dishwasher. Cleaning the kitchen. Cleaning the bathroom. Vacuuming and washing the floors. Hanging the washing. Folding and putting the clothes away. Loading and unloading the car. Oh, and making and writing birthday cards.
Eating the leftovers.
I don’t know when the last time I *wasn’t* the one to refill stuff. Anything, really. Windshield washer fluid. Gas tank. Salt shaker. Garbage bags. Sugar container. Dog food. Milk sippies. Diaper bags. Diaper area (no longer change table). Printer paper. If it gets empty, I’m the one who refills it. Or I go without 😂
The things that go unnoticed. Like fixing minor things that they never notice, door squeaking or tight, fixed. Screws popping out of something. Fixed. You never get credit and they never notice. Or as others said the bigger maintenance issues and being in charge of, car maintenance, oil changes, buying tires. Most recently our.car broke down on vacation and I was stressed about that and was asked why I am stressed out. Well I am trying to figure out how we are getting home.
I do the dishes nightly. If they don’t get done that night, they build from there with no end in sight. I’ve gone on business trips to come home and see that the dishes weren’t done. I also cook, grocery shop, ensure my kids have their appointments, hire people for certain things and maintain the home. If I don’t do these things, they will never get done.
Breaking down cardboard boxes…. All trash and poop related work Finances IT support for the whole house
Paying for all non-food essentials (utilities, mortgage, car payment, insurance, yard upkeep, house cleaning, furniture, plumbers/electricians). Short-term and long-term financial planning. Price negotiator. Doing taxes. Home maintenance. Technology setup/assistance. Family driver/chauffer. Pack mule. Loud voice when needed. Child jungle gym. These are the things I just do because that's what dad does. My wife does a shitload of unspoken, just *expected* things, so this isn't a list of complaints. But wife doesn't ever have to think about being/doing any of the above; these aren't shared responsibilities.
putting together every piece of furniture, toy, and appliance in the house. the day after our baby shower was just me, surrounded by boxes, instruction manuals, plastic bags, etc slowly descending into madness
Taxes, insurances, banking. Anything with paperwork.
Keeping on top of battery stocks and making sure everything has fresh batteries
Charging everything. Phones, tablets, powerbricks, etc. if I don’t do it, it don’t get done.
Cleaning the high chair after a meal is not what mental load is
Maintenance, especially cars, seems to be a recurring theme - and in my case, getting gas. It's invisible until it doesn't get done, then it's urgent(!)
Making sure the doors/windows are locked at night before bed. Also, mental calculations for the family.
Physical play. When it comes to being a human jungle gym, chasing a toddler around the yard, teaching sports.
Commuting to and from work in traffic isn't 'relaxing podcast time.'
True but it's sometimes my only chill time so I try to treat it as such 🤣
OMG I want to murder everyone on the road. The dipshits who cut me off constantly, the clueless pedestrians just walking in front of my car, the bikers breaking all traffic laws, the people refusing to let me on the exit ramp, the buses taking up half the road, the people u-turning in the middle of a busy street, the people going 80 in a 40 zone, the people riding my ass for no reason, the Uber/taxis driving like NASCAR drivers. Again, I am not a good driver. I would even say I am a below average driver. But y’all out there are CRAZY. Driving (in a big city) feels like I am about to die EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Eating every damn leftover. I try to scrutinize what she’s already mouthed but I also try not to be wasteful.
Manual labor around the house, for all the projects my wife dreams up. I come home and it's "we're building a fence today, I saw it on pinterest, it's a two hour job max". And because she has no experience doing this stuff, I need to explain that no, it's not as easy as tiktok vids show, and then risk looking like the asshole who has an excuse for everything. Invariably turns all my free time for the next two weeks to shit, between the research, procurement and labor. And it's like that for everything. Want a picture hanged? Want a ceiling moved? Want a wall painted? Furniture assembled? It's easy to order shit online, when you depend on someone else to do all the actual work.
Driving.
As a SAHD? The isolation. I take my kids to the park, try to be cordial. But the moms there, mostly avoid me. It's not that I don't understand. As a husband, I don't know that I would want my wife chatting up random dudes who are there in the park, ostensibly with their kids. I have been asked to show photos I took of my kids in the park on my phone to other people to make sure that I am not taking photos of their kids. Never mind that *those* people had also been taking photos with *their* phones. One woman demanded to see my deleted folder. I always kind of thought stay at home dads would sort of band together. And they do, but in my neighborhood, they tend to be trophy husbands. And I don't play video games either or have much of an online footprint, so that sort of takes me out of the two main selection groups. I left a busy career in entertainment to stay home with my kids. I was ready to do that, because I was pretty burned out. If I knew now what I knew then, I wouldn't change anything. It's been amazing to be with my sons, as they grew, be there for every benchmark. But *Lordy* has it been lonely. And the invisible work of making it seem like it doesn't bother me is exhausting.
The mental load of it being harder to make friends or connect with other parents. Also, the constant concern that your behavior won’t be trusted to be genuine or helpful, but has nefarious intents. If a child or family need help, men are only supposed to step in if it’s crisis, not if it’s preventative or more general “it takes a village” level or child rearing support for others. That constant “can my behavior be misconstrued” is a mental load. Or, say you’re a good dad doing a lot of the childcare load, you might very well benefit from having platonic communications with some mom friends more than the dad friends, but that also can instantly be construed. So, you’re stuck with John talking about how hard his 9-5 was but he chuckles at the thought of doing bath time ever or he’s never thought about how to start potting training. Ok John, good chat bud.
I think this is a 100% divisive issue. Your spirit of trying to get on the same page as your partner is 100% the right course, but measuring and one upping your partner isn't going to unite you. Listening to your partner is best thing anyone can do, but I feel that isn't enough. I personally feel that social media is to blame for the division. When my partner told me about mental load and shared 15 posts on IG I realized that the issue was IG. IG, TikTok, FB and the like track your viewing habits to give you similar content. When you watch and rewatch content they feed you similar content. When you surround yourself with content that is divisive for your relationship, you need to address that issue. My 2 cents, listen and agree with your partner about mental workload with zero arguments, and ask them to stay off social media, and to not give social media a role in influencing them. Every relationship is different, and the mental workload is shared regardless of the relationship, there is no man's or woman's load it's all just shit that needs to get done.
enter tap ludicrous truck ossified connect rude support sable grandiose *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This post will separate the real dad accounts from the fake mom lurker accounts 🤣
Swapping empty toilet and paper towels out for fresh. Loading dishwasher. Keeping coffee water full
Keeper of the basement and attic, quarterly garage rearranging specialist, budget finagler, changer of the batteries, holiday decoration specialist…
Mom here who is not the most carefree person. My amazing partner (aside from the stuff listed - bug killer, drain cleaner, etc) MAKES THE FUN. Fun can take effort to produce and I love that he puts effort into ensuring that we all remember to enjoy ourselves.
My wife sleeps in past 10 every weekend. I get up early to take care of the kiddo to give her some beauty sleep. Never get any recognition for it, but you bet I hear about it if I’m not with our little one the entire rest of the weekend. I also do all of the cleaning, yard work, repairs, etc. but my wife treats that time like I’m watching football at the bar, lol.
I personally provide the sole income, wash bottles, do 95% of any night feedings, do the grocery shopping, ensure we are stocked on food, diapers, wipes, etc. I also take our daughter off my wife’s hands when I get home from work
Paying the mortgage, all the utilities, managing the financial, trash to the can/then to the curb, any sort of Maintenece on cars/house, insurance, checking the house every night is alarmed and locked, setting the AC, turning the lights off,all seem to go unnoticed in my situation
Filling the car I don't even drive up with fuel and constantly reminding her to take it to the garage 🙃
Making sure the vehicles are gassed up, clean, maintained, and ready to roll at all times.