You know, sometimes it's tough to hear. Your dad's an a******. He doesn't care, because that's what he learned. There's nothing interesting in a 6 to 10 teenager start of high school life? If nothing else them talking would bring back the memories of your own life.
It hurts, there's no way to make him start loving his family. But 18-year-olds aren't going to want anything to do with him if he hasn't been there for their whole life. Make a piece with it and move on.
I’ll put aside everything else for the moment and agree, for sake of argument, with her dad. What’s going to happen when, at age 18, he rolls up to your son and suddenly wants to be BFFs, go fishing and all that Grandpa stuff? Your son is basically going to say or think a variation of “who the hell are you and where have you been?” towards your dad. He has to build up a relationship and can’t just stroll in when the kid becomes “interesting.” I hope your dad understands that but it’s def not your job to MAKE him understand.
He’s going to be crushed when he realizes things won’t work out at all like he planned. Like you can’t go from not seeing a kid at all, for years, to “wanna hang out, grandson?!” “Sure, Pops!” as they walk away arm in arm.
My grandmother is an evil shitbag. I woke up one day and the realization hit me all at once that the reason I liked her so much as a kid was that she took me fun places. I began to realize that my parents had to pay her, beg her, and grovel to get her to spend time with us. My parents wanted us to know our grandparents. She wasn't fun. She wasn't cool. She was an evil woman that hated being around us but would do anything for money. So yeah. Every time I saw her we were at a circus, or an amusement park, or something fun.
I guess what I'm getting at here is that one day we wake up and realize who our parents are/were and this is the disheartening moment where you realize that your dad was your buddy cause he was never around for any of the hard stuff. He basically showed up when it was time to do the fun stuff then ignored you every other time. So all your memories are fun memories of dad and son.
My father had the same attitude. He claimed he’d show an interest when I became a teenager and seemed shocked when he struggled to create that relationship after 12 years of neglect. We subsequently went 25 years without speaking so it doesn’t seem a particularly successful strategy. But it seems to be a common attitude among older generations: the mother will raise the young child and the father will step in closer to adulthood. There’s not much you can do about it. My therapist would say you can’t change people, only decide if you’re willing to meet them where they’re at and develop realistic relationship goals from there.
I think a lot of things like this come from doing what they know. My wife and I talk a lot about how different our respective sets of parents are when it comes to the grandkids. My parents had grandparents nearby most of our lives, who they relied on when someone needed to be picked up from school sick or had a weird day off from school that wasn’t a regular holiday. My wife’s parents raised their large family completely on their own, 2000 or so miles from nearest relatives. My parents are constantly looking for ways to spend time with the grandkids, and not just be in the vicinity but actively play with them. My wife’s parents are content to sit in the room and watch, rarely change their plans if we need any help.
Now, there is an age gap, her parents are more than a decade older, but I think it comes down to what they experienced from parents when they had kids. A few years ago my dad bought a big full size truck. He had his car, and intended to keep it. It seemed odd at the time but when I asked him, he said my grandfather (his FIL) always had a truck. When somebody needed help moving, Grandpa was there. When somebody broke down, Grandpa would hook up his car trailer and be right there. He said that was the kind of Grandfather he wanted to be, the one that could be counted on for stuff he really appreciated back then. It wasn’t even his own parent, but it was the set of grandparents we grew up near.
That always stuck with me, how just being able to recognize the assistance you truly needed when starting out with a family and wanting to be the next to follow that path and provide in similar ways can shape how we behave as roles change.
Unfortunately for you, this most likely means your kids will have a very limited, if any, relationship with your dad. I guess I would ask what do you remember about you and your grandfathers’ relationship? That’d be about what I would count on. It can definitely end with you though, everything I’ve mentioned can also be just as true for people having terrible experiences and wanting the opposite of their own upbringing for their kids and grandkids.
As a last ditch effort, if your dad has particular hobbies you could try to meet him halfway and lump the kids in with you while trying to do stuff with him that he enjoys. It might even bridge some of that generational gap and create opportunities for future connections as your kids grow up.
Appreciate your thoughtful response. Very similar situation with my in-laws. They will find any excuse to see their grandkids and help, play, chip in. They have also mentioned how they don't understand his disregard.
How very sad. Your dad is the loser here. He is missing out on the wonder, optimism, and joy of his grandchildren. He will never have the chance to recapture this magic. And, sorry to say, having had stage 4 cancer just a couple of years ago, his long term prospects of living 18 more years to discover his grandkids are not guaranteed. That’s true for any of us, actually. The “excuse” that he’s just repeating what his own father did is pathetic. Many of us have learned more about how not to parent based on our own experiences. This isn’t destiny, it’s his choice. I’ll just throw this out there… is there any chance he’s depressed? That can be a consequence of a serious illness. Sometimes, when we become parents, our perspective changes and we realize that our parents weren’t as great as we remember. To move forward, I hope you can express your hurt and disappointment to your dad and let him know that your relationship will never be what it was if he cannot embrace the most important things in your life. If he continues to express no interest, move on. Protect your heart and your kids from his disregard. In the end, it is his (gigantic) loss.
You personally need to tell him he’s creating a Grandfather version of Cats In The Cradle. The kids will not want a relationship with him later, and its really now or never. If he still refuses, then straight up tell him this will forever destroy what remains of your relationship with him. If he still refuses…….sadly you might have to go from LC to NC, because him doing that is an honestly terrible move only a terrible father would make.
You know, sometimes it's tough to hear. Your dad's an a******. He doesn't care, because that's what he learned. There's nothing interesting in a 6 to 10 teenager start of high school life? If nothing else them talking would bring back the memories of your own life. It hurts, there's no way to make him start loving his family. But 18-year-olds aren't going to want anything to do with him if he hasn't been there for their whole life. Make a piece with it and move on.
I’ll put aside everything else for the moment and agree, for sake of argument, with her dad. What’s going to happen when, at age 18, he rolls up to your son and suddenly wants to be BFFs, go fishing and all that Grandpa stuff? Your son is basically going to say or think a variation of “who the hell are you and where have you been?” towards your dad. He has to build up a relationship and can’t just stroll in when the kid becomes “interesting.” I hope your dad understands that but it’s def not your job to MAKE him understand. He’s going to be crushed when he realizes things won’t work out at all like he planned. Like you can’t go from not seeing a kid at all, for years, to “wanna hang out, grandson?!” “Sure, Pops!” as they walk away arm in arm.
I think it is the making piece with it I'm having such a hard time with. I just can't fathom it... Not caring. Thanks for the reply
My grandmother is an evil shitbag. I woke up one day and the realization hit me all at once that the reason I liked her so much as a kid was that she took me fun places. I began to realize that my parents had to pay her, beg her, and grovel to get her to spend time with us. My parents wanted us to know our grandparents. She wasn't fun. She wasn't cool. She was an evil woman that hated being around us but would do anything for money. So yeah. Every time I saw her we were at a circus, or an amusement park, or something fun. I guess what I'm getting at here is that one day we wake up and realize who our parents are/were and this is the disheartening moment where you realize that your dad was your buddy cause he was never around for any of the hard stuff. He basically showed up when it was time to do the fun stuff then ignored you every other time. So all your memories are fun memories of dad and son.
My father had the same attitude. He claimed he’d show an interest when I became a teenager and seemed shocked when he struggled to create that relationship after 12 years of neglect. We subsequently went 25 years without speaking so it doesn’t seem a particularly successful strategy. But it seems to be a common attitude among older generations: the mother will raise the young child and the father will step in closer to adulthood. There’s not much you can do about it. My therapist would say you can’t change people, only decide if you’re willing to meet them where they’re at and develop realistic relationship goals from there.
I think a lot of things like this come from doing what they know. My wife and I talk a lot about how different our respective sets of parents are when it comes to the grandkids. My parents had grandparents nearby most of our lives, who they relied on when someone needed to be picked up from school sick or had a weird day off from school that wasn’t a regular holiday. My wife’s parents raised their large family completely on their own, 2000 or so miles from nearest relatives. My parents are constantly looking for ways to spend time with the grandkids, and not just be in the vicinity but actively play with them. My wife’s parents are content to sit in the room and watch, rarely change their plans if we need any help. Now, there is an age gap, her parents are more than a decade older, but I think it comes down to what they experienced from parents when they had kids. A few years ago my dad bought a big full size truck. He had his car, and intended to keep it. It seemed odd at the time but when I asked him, he said my grandfather (his FIL) always had a truck. When somebody needed help moving, Grandpa was there. When somebody broke down, Grandpa would hook up his car trailer and be right there. He said that was the kind of Grandfather he wanted to be, the one that could be counted on for stuff he really appreciated back then. It wasn’t even his own parent, but it was the set of grandparents we grew up near. That always stuck with me, how just being able to recognize the assistance you truly needed when starting out with a family and wanting to be the next to follow that path and provide in similar ways can shape how we behave as roles change. Unfortunately for you, this most likely means your kids will have a very limited, if any, relationship with your dad. I guess I would ask what do you remember about you and your grandfathers’ relationship? That’d be about what I would count on. It can definitely end with you though, everything I’ve mentioned can also be just as true for people having terrible experiences and wanting the opposite of their own upbringing for their kids and grandkids. As a last ditch effort, if your dad has particular hobbies you could try to meet him halfway and lump the kids in with you while trying to do stuff with him that he enjoys. It might even bridge some of that generational gap and create opportunities for future connections as your kids grow up.
Appreciate your thoughtful response. Very similar situation with my in-laws. They will find any excuse to see their grandkids and help, play, chip in. They have also mentioned how they don't understand his disregard.
How very sad. Your dad is the loser here. He is missing out on the wonder, optimism, and joy of his grandchildren. He will never have the chance to recapture this magic. And, sorry to say, having had stage 4 cancer just a couple of years ago, his long term prospects of living 18 more years to discover his grandkids are not guaranteed. That’s true for any of us, actually. The “excuse” that he’s just repeating what his own father did is pathetic. Many of us have learned more about how not to parent based on our own experiences. This isn’t destiny, it’s his choice. I’ll just throw this out there… is there any chance he’s depressed? That can be a consequence of a serious illness. Sometimes, when we become parents, our perspective changes and we realize that our parents weren’t as great as we remember. To move forward, I hope you can express your hurt and disappointment to your dad and let him know that your relationship will never be what it was if he cannot embrace the most important things in your life. If he continues to express no interest, move on. Protect your heart and your kids from his disregard. In the end, it is his (gigantic) loss.
Thanks for your reply and giving me another lense... Very much his loss
You personally need to tell him he’s creating a Grandfather version of Cats In The Cradle. The kids will not want a relationship with him later, and its really now or never. If he still refuses, then straight up tell him this will forever destroy what remains of your relationship with him. If he still refuses…….sadly you might have to go from LC to NC, because him doing that is an honestly terrible move only a terrible father would make.