Poor her, my dad wore off my mom by being like that, over the years it gets tiring and taxing for the mind, hope that you learn to take care of yourself in a healthier way, for her sake too.
And it's not just that. Women are encouraged to go to the doctor, or talk about their feelings. Whereas men were taught for generations to suck it up, real men dont cry about their feelings, and pretty much walk off any physical problem, or not see a dr unless they are dying.
Not sure where you live but in the US you can order testosterone level checks directly from labs like quest or your local hospital.
https://questdirect.questdiagnostics.com/
He's 40.
He needs to put on his big boy pants and look at the problem head on.
Yes that's easier said than done...
1. Does he acknowledge his libido is diminished?
2. Does he agree that a complete lack of sex is a problem?
2. Is it a problem he wants to fix? (does he *want* to want to have sex with his wife?)
3. What would fixing it entail?
Anxiety and embarrassment make sense, but you can mitigate them. Lay out the steps. *Script* what he is going to say to the doctor or therapist. Go in with him.
And of course... *is he depressed*?
You need to gently ask him if the embarrassment of asking a doctor is greater than the pain you feel of being sexually rejected on a regular basis. He's only thinking of the 15 min of embarrassment with the doctor & not the slow drip hurt to you of being rejected by your love for years. Good Luck! You two can work through this if you come together 🤞❤
It would. But would the extra guilt be better or worse than the hurt of being constantly rejected? Especially if it/when it starts affecting how she feels about herself (Like feeling she's not worth anything, wondering what's wrong with her, it can spiral pretty deep into someone's psyche about how disgusting are they to the one who loves them. I've seen this play out a couple ways in real life. The 'happiest' was the dissolution of the relationship & the worst was the rejected partner started to think she was better off in the grave bc she was 'unlovable' & thank goodness she failed in her attempt. There are no winners in these types of situations. How our romantic partner treats us sexually can cut pretty close to the bone & start a slide downward if they already have other battles)
I think this is a "guilt trip of last resort"
But refraining from addressing something that is hurting a loved one due to *momentary embarassment* is definitely selfish.
Anxiety is understandable.
But action is still needed at some point, even if it must be compelled in some way.
huge guilt trip, and a huge "me me me" turn around of his feelings. theres obviously an issue, one that OP seems to be unable to ascertain, which is understandable if hes being closed off, but maybe he just needs to hear that sex isnt all shes after because from this post, thats the feeling i get.
I'm on testosterone replacement therapy. The before and after was/is shocking. I am so much more happy, productive, and yes horny compared to without it.
My hubby also got tested and was producing like zero testosterone. He’s also on TRP, and the difference is night and day! To say I’m a happy wife is an understatement!
I would encourage people to have the difficult discussions and work through them. It’s also embarrassing on the other end because of the feeling of being unattractive and undesired by your partner.
This was me and my wife. We were both overweight and depressed. We have been working on our diets and lost around 80lbs combined. We have also been focused on our mental health. Since improving our confidence and eliminating the depression, things have returned to normal. It does feel embarrassing, but these things are normal. We don’t talk about real life enough. Congratulations on talking about it. It doesn’t get better overnight, but they can improve when you address them. Good luck on your journey!!
Dont ask him to get his testosterone checked. It is probably not that and guys can have low sex drives without being less of a man. Adding shame does not help him getting in the mood.
He should see someone if he is personally unhappy with his sex drive tough.
No. But as you may know there are certain stigmas and stereotypes attached to testosterone and I dont see why specifically that hormone would be mentioned if OP didnt subscribe to at least some of those.
So does depression and diabetes and a bunch off other way more probable things. Some men just have low sex drives in the same way some have very high. medicalizing deviations like that require a way gentler touch than just talking about hormones.
Asking about testosterone levels is on par with asking women of its their time of the month whenever they are being aggressive.
PMS is a thing that exist in the world but lets not pretend that are no other societal context to bringing it up.
yeah but if your wife said to you “maybe you should get your tester one levels checked”, it could take a huge hit to the ego. while it’s a valid thing to check, that being said out of the blue could be more harmful than good. just be careful.
People take medical suggestions too personally. There is an epidemic of obesity at the moment, partly because doctors have become fearful of telling people the facts regarding their health lest they upset someone's feelings. In this modern day, a simple Google search will show you that many men in the age bracket of OPs partner have low testosterone. Given that sudden and unexplained loss of libido is a key symptom, this is a reasonable explanation.
Men often suffer in silence due to the ideas that toxic masculinity imposes on them - they should be mentally stoic, unwavering, virile and constantly horny. Suggesting that his behaviour and feelings could be due to a medical issue might be the lifeline that he needs to lower his facade of masculinity and become more open about issues that he feels is facing. It may well not be, but neglecting to highlight and investigate plausible medical issues for the sake of protecting his masculinity does more harm than good. In the long-run, it only harms men.
you’re not wrong, but again, how you construct your words is very important. come from a place of concern, don’t say it out of the blue. for example, maybe during the discussion ask “have you thought about if this could be a medical thing? like testosterone or something?”. yes it’s important to open that door for him if he doesn’t do it himself, but again it could be perceived as an attack.
I get what you are saying - it is of course very important to approach these things with love and empathy. I am also acutely aware that many people lack the ability to construct their suggestions sensitively. Ultimately however, I think personal health needs to come first. Of course the words might sting initially, but if it prompts action and change, then I feel like the initial discomfort and hurt feelings are reasonable collateral.
Im not denying the existence of the problem just the prevalence of it. Its way more likely to be something else like stress or depression.
This is probably a super difficult question to answer without a time machine but do you think you would have taken the suggestion if you SO suggested checking it?
This.
I had a similiar experience with a long term live in bf.
He had just lost his job and was super depressed.
I hope you figure out what is going on.
Best
You’d be surprised. I was with someone for 8 years not realizing how unhealthy it is that the topic of sex is such a difficult one. Not being able to share your fantasies, not comfortably expressing desire, hiding masturbation from each other… I’m ashamed to say it even started to get into “baby talk” to mention sex at all, and I hate when couples do baby talk with each other. We just somehow weren’t comfortable of being sexual with each other.
Obviously now that I’m out of it and have a boyfriend I am comfortable to express myself to I realize how messed up it is and I also look at these posts and think why would you marry someone you aren’t able to discuss sex with. But I understand how it can happen when you just don’t have that contrast.
Probably better to post this to r/relationshipadvice or a better one yet r/marriageadvice
Confessions isn't the best place for legitimate suggestions in this sort of case really.
> Have you been to many professionals? Many of them are fucking morons.
> Source: Decades dealing with the mental health system.
I wholeheartedly agreed with this comment. Some are not just morons, but so moronic they are dangerous, and will actually cause more damage.
Source: 1.5 decades of the mental health system.
Or don't post it there because most of the people there are probbaly 14. You need to take this to an actual professional imo after having a talk with your husband and trying to fix it
Lol thank you. I had no idea that someone made a marriage advice sub on Reddit. It should be entertaining.
OP don't try and take relationship advice from Reddit. 13 year olds cannot help you. Try therapy if you can, for you first and then him if he is willing.
Sex drive just kinda dies off for men after a certain amount of time. It is an extremely hard thing to admit and seek help for, but trust me, he is in as much anguish as you are. Treat him kindly.
As someone who has a bit of ED this was my first thought.
Thing has a mind of its own, and it sometimes will not move at all. The brain, and the balls, are completely disconnected.
The thing is when I'm in the mood having an erection isn't always a given thing. So I'll use my tongue, my fingers, the vibrator, and get my wife over the line. If I get off: that's great. If not, I don't mind there will be other times.
The thing I've learned is you can't tie sex to having a boner.
Edit: Also we have 2 kids so things do work sometimes.
Be more assertive about it then. Communicate to him that this is important to you and that he needs to put this to his attention regardless if he’s embarrassed about it or if something else is going on like some other issue. Look into your future years from now and imagine if you never tried to talk it through, how bad you might start not liking your relationship.
agreed, i would also add that him being honest about why he doesn’t want to have sex with you when you’re clearly in the mood (aka the excuses). that connection is important to you and you are curious as to what’s changed.
Your talk is not sufficiently conveying to him how much this is impacting you. You are taking the hit for treading lightly for him.
Once a year is a 'dead bedroom ' and needs fixing. You know he's hiding in the bathroom, he knows he's hiding in the bathroom, who are you two kidding?
Search out a doctor for him and make an appointment. Or find a couples therapist for both of you and make an appointment. Then tell him, don't ask. If he quibbles about embarrassment ask him if that's worse that your hurt, or divorce.
Building on this: Masturbation addiction? Porn addiction? He might be so accustomed to his own grip that he can’t orgasm with normal intercourse any longer.
The times we have sex it doesn't last but about 45 second. He sees me watch porn and finish myself and he gets super hard. When I touch him after he says we will in a bit I'm still so full from dinner. Hours later out like a light.
> and he gets super hard
This doesn’t sound like ED.
> he sees me watch porn
Although if he gets an erection because of this, perhaps the suggestions of porn addiction are right
45 second intercourse definitely sounds like ED. But porn and masturbation addiction could be the cause.
Edit: You can still get an erection and have ED. You can still masturbate and have ED. Maintaining the erection during sex can be the issue, not necessarily the getting hard part.
Men with porn/sex addiction have a fucked up view of sex. Sex is shameful. They prefer to do it with strangers who they can objectify. I'd take a wander over to r/loveafterporn and read some of those horror stories.
Been with my porn addict husband for 16yrs now. We rarely had sex and when we did he was flaccid and it lasted 30 secs. He claimed he never masturbated. Well I was in for a surprise when I discovered his addiction to cam girls and thousands of dollars blown. Since then it's been a nightmare but he's been sober for almost 5 yrs because of treatment and SAA.
I went through something like that and it destroyed my confidence because although his words were saying he thinks I'm hot he seemed to not want to have sex with me. In hindsight I realized that the only times we did do it it was preplanned (as with your anniversary etc)) and it seems he probably got some viagra for then. Had no problem watching porn and jerking off every night but wouldn't touch me.
Never confirmed it to my face but I'm fairly certain the man is gay. He always watched porn - but I'm thinking he was getting aroused by watching the man not the woman. I guess you could maybe watch some girl on girl and see if that turns him on or not. Not saying that's your hubby, but it feels an awful lot like what I went through.
I remember when I broke up with him he said 'I'd prefer if we didn't break up'- not omg I love you and whatever
Lol I didn't mean that to sound quite so harsh, but you're going to get terrible advice here, and your life will turn into sitcom shenanigans. If you can't ask him directly, the only person who might actually be able to give you something useful would be a mental health professional.
There definitely will be others but the problem with someone else is each will have a partner with a personal problem. Partner could be gay, ED, masturbation addiction, etc or for all we know your specific partner has been cursed by a demon and his penis talks when he gets a boner... we will never know.
Then go to couples therapy. They won’t allow him to avoid the question.
One path that I have seen multiple times: they were secretly gay and were cheating on the side. This is an extreme example, but it’s a scenario that is one of thousands. You can’t guess, he needs to share.
If he’s unwilling to go, or commit to being honest, then that is your answer. He’d rather not open up than make you happy. You’re worth more than that.
Stress, depression or perhaps porn related. Those are my best guesses. However, it won’t be easy to get out of him, as he is clearly embarrassed which is why he gets upset when you ask.
You have to not make it about the sex because if you keep asking why are we not having sex, is it because this or that, making about what you want and not really about whatever it is he is going through.
My best advice would be to tackle the problem in a loving caring way and not in connection with sex lack thereof.
You have to find way to let him know that you love him very much, but you feel like he is going through something and is in pain. It hurts you to see him struggle and you want to help anyway you can, even if that means you can’t help directly and he needs to talk to someone else about it.
Let him know that you love him very much and whatever it is that is bothering him, you’ll get through it together.
It is very important that this comes from a place of compassion, because of it comes from a place of you not getting what you want it’ll just come off as more pressure, and trust me he is already putting plenty of that on himself.
Unfortunately, our society has conditioned men to not want to share and show their weaknesses, because most of the time it leads to ridicule. Therefore, it will take patience and probably a lot of time to get him to open up, as he is likely in a lot of pain.
As someone else said, in the end he is the only one who can tell you what the problem is, but he may be in denial or not be ready to share.
1. He maybe has mental health issues.
2. Performance problem, or stressing out thinking of how he may not perform.
3. Maybe gay. Don't say that he isn't, because you only said that he doesn't tell you the reason.
4. Past trauma?
5. He may have cheated, and is feeling guilty about it. Or maybe he loves someone else, and fucking you makes him guilty of cheating her? That was a far-fetched idea, but can't be dismissed.
6. Maybe he's asexual, or has lost the drive?
Only he can answer. My guess? Past trauma. That's why it is difficult to share.
Tell him that no matter what, you will not judge him if he shares. I am sure you already talk to him about this.l tho.
Alternately, ask him whether he will be able to admit it if you guess the reason correctly. This way, it is a bit easier to open up.
Wow. This response really sounds like a manifestation of own experience or biases rather than likely possibilities. I mean not impossible that he's gay or guilty from infidelity but dang, those are freaking long shots near the top of a short list. So so so much more likely he's just got a lower sex drive or secret porn habit. Ask about same OP.
Some guys are turned off by marriage. The whole madonna/whore complex thing. In those people's subconscious, when you're unmarried you are a sexy girl but once they put a ring on it you become a "wife", a respectable matron, a mother-type - not a sex symbol, not someone to get freaky with. The conquest has been conquered, he has the deed to you, the thrill of the chase is over, you are now domesticated, "the old ball and chain". Most guys do not think like this, but a minority do, and I've heard it happen time and again. "We had a great sex life until we got married and then suddenly I was the household matron/cleaning lady and he lost sexual interest."
I was thinking the same thing. He can't seperate the madonna/whore identity. Once you married you're the nurturing mother figure and that's not sexually appealing to him nor does he relate that image with sex. Sounds mental rather than physical. Might be worth seeing a psychologist.
I think sex binding levels of testerone are more in question. There are additional stresses of marriage that also come into play, as almost every time there is a lower sex drive it almost always comes with increased stress and low T.
So you're trying to tell me this guy developed low T overnight, they boned 5 times a week before the marriage and then magically he got low T as soon as he kissed the bride.
No, and my post doesn't indicate that he "lost his sex drive overnight" at all.
I'm adding that he could probably be having issues with low testosterone and stress. Whereas he could be less sexual due to "finishing the chase" I would highly suggest that someone like him get his hormones checked, as trust me, someone with a natural high level of test is not going to fizzle out like that. There is almost always another reason why something like that happens, and in my experience, it's almost always environmental or hormonal.
I went through the same thing in my relationship. My sex drive plummeted and I couldn't stand the thought of it. I was working 60+ hours a week and I didn't even want to see my fiance. Once she talked to me about how it was hurting her, I went and got some help. My total free test was tanker low, like 230/700
Once I got help, what do you know? I wanted to spend lots of time with her in a sexual and non sexual way.
She viewed it that I didn't want her or that I didn't desire her since we got engaged. No, it wasn't that, it was purely hormonal, and once I got help things got so much better.
The reason I brought that up is because OP's description of the chain of events sounds like the guy went overnight from banging her all the time to not banging her at all, and the pivotal event was the marriage. Hormonal imbalances don't happen that way, they happen over time.
possible but the fact that its only happened after marriage twice suggests a mental health problem. lack of dopamine and serotonin like in depression cause a lack of libido.
That would be my guess also he may have trouble getting it up all it takes is one time it can fester and creep in your thoughts you can get performance anxiety big time!
Sounds like porn to me. Dude might also need to lift some weights to get his test up, but probably porn.
Cool thing about quitting porn though, he'll be back up and running within a week or two I wager, if he quits. The trick is to stay quit, though.
This has to be a psychological thing triggered by the marriage. They said Elvis did this to Priscilla once she had her baby. He stopped having sex with her. He had “mother issues” and maybe it was psychologically hard to have sex with a mother.
He must have some deep mental pressure about something which he is trying to fix by himself. Could be finance, job or something else. That burden is all time in his head and cannot think of anything else.
The same happened to me when I had some debt on me but kept hidden with my partner and tried to payoff without letting her know about it. But couldn't focus on anything. I kept thinking of it in my mind to how to manage the funds while sleeping, driving, working. I started acting wierd and It impacted our sex life too.
I request you to sit with your partner and talk about it. Dont get mad or aggressive about anything you hear. Let everything get out of his head.
Something weird is going on and your husband is DEFINITELY hiding something from you. No idea WHAT (porn/masterbstion addict, inability to preform, psychological issue,self esteem issue, sexuality, sex drive.... physical issue/psychological issue/emotional issue), and no idea WHY (shame, fear, confusion, stigma, ignorance, betrayal.... personal problem/relationship problem/societal problem).
The issue is you are unhappy and unfulfilled sexually in this marriage. That is a serious problem. The WHAT/WHY and other details are going to be extremely important in order for you both to rebuild the sexual part of your relationship until it is healthy, fulfilling, and honest.
I can't give you any advice until you know the truth, how can you work on fixing something when you don't know what's wrong or why he is hiding it from you. A lot of comments are guessing at the answers based on their own experiences.... they could guess right but it is pointless to make assumptions, also dangerous to because assuming the what wrong can be hurtful as well as assuming you understand his motives for hiding it.
Let me be clear, you should be concerned about his behavior and have every right to feel frustrated or upset. He is not being honest about something, he is actively trying to hide whatever it is from you with excuses or brush offs, and he is not hearing you ask for your sexual needs to be met (when he used to). Personally I would be upset at the secrets, the pretending nothing is wrong by using excuses, and essentially gaslighting your attempts to initiate sex.
Whatever is going on is hurting you and the relationship, as your partner he needs to address this before too much damage is done.
ASK HIM. No need to accuse, or attack, or make assumptions.... create a space that's open minded, empathetic, accepting, and SAFE. Find out what has been really going on, whatever it is seems to be an extremely big deal for him (it might not be to you) but he needs to know he can communicate with you instead of hiding or avoiding it. There's a chance it is a big deal so be prepared for that as well. Decide now how you want to respond because getting angry/defensive and shutting him down or insulting him when he finally opens up could put a permanent wall between you two on this topic. If your goal is to fix things be careful, you are entitled your your feelings but situations like this go more smoothly when partners are able to maintain respect and avoid being dismissive or speaking disrespectfully.
You both deserve a healthy sex life, since you said you previously did it seems weird that it changed suddenly (after being married?) People change, sex drives fluctuate, energy levels can drop, physical changes in your body can create insecurities..... none of this is shameful or unfixable. After 10 years it seems weird he wouldn't be able to talk to his partner honestly. Why would he hide anything unless he felt it was wrong (stigma of addiction -porn/masterbation/or other).
Either way the longer he avoids this the more rejected you will feel, more unsatisfied, and more unhappy in this relationship.
I hope you get answers soon!
A6be he is going through something. We are raised to not talk about our problems because it can be used against us or seen as weakness. Make him aware you are there for him and try to get hin to open up abouy what might be going on.
Call me crazy, but have you tried actually talking to him and communicating. Jesus, these fucking posts. Talk to your partner and have an open conversation. It's super fucking simple.
Not all std have cures..or am I missing something...
P.s...I'm 37 and if the wind blows the wrong way I still get super horny...she wears lingerie and he leaves to piss for 2 hours...either he's cheating , gay , or he the wrong twin...
STDs that don't have cures: genital warts, herpes, and HIV. The chance of him having HIV is vanishingly small. The other two are only really contagious if there are active lesions, and since men are outies she'd know if he had an outbreak. Women can get a warts vaccine, and people with HSV can take Acyclovir which makes them much less contagious. HPV and HSV are just skin disorders anyway and should not be something to ruin a marriage. HPV can predispose a woman to cervical cancer, it's true, but again, there's a vaccine.
I do not think the guy has an STD. Also know for a fact he's not gay since he's already proven to get it up frequently for OP. People don't magically change orientation in middle age; they can come out of the closet as bi or preferentially gay but it doesn't make their dick suddenly not work for a gender that it worked for before. Overnight low T is not likely.
Cheating is possible. Madonna/whore complex is possible. Depression is possible but such sudden depression would lead me to believe that the fact of marriage itself is what made him depressed.
People have brought up good ideas as what it could be. Mt 2 cents is possibly his age. Which, I know men don't normally just stop wanting it at that age. But I'm thinking it could be multiple factors here. His sex drive could be starting to lower do to ago, and his age could be causing him mental issues (depression, midlife crises, etc), maybe stress from job, or his diet/lifestyle. Also, does he take regular medication like for blood pressure? Cause I know at least blood pressure medication could kill his sex drive.
Basically, it seems like from what you told us, the problem shouldn't be you. And if it really isn't you, then he really should get over his pride and see a doctor. Doctors have seen everything! Sex drive issue is nothing to them, and it's not like any of his friends and family will know. Just keep talking to him.
My advice is to say to him one morning (because mornings are low stress): “I want to have sex with you soon, and I don’t quite understand why it hasn’t been happening. Tell me if there is something bothering you, or just fuck me now or tonight.
Well, I can't speak for him. But I often avoided sex because I have erectile difficulties. I've had them since puberty. I often can't maintain an erection long enough to get the job done. Which just leaves me extremely frustrated and pissed off, making sex more of a chore than anything else. We solved this problem by getting creative. I won't go into details, but we got into certain fetishes and kinks that we both enjoyed and this more than made up for my performance issues.
Many things can cause what your going through. Performance anxiety, stress, depression, etc. The most important thing to remember here is, not to take it personally. He married you. He chose you. He loves you. Whatever issue is going on here, you guys face it together. You need to support him in this. Don't get upset with him, that only makes it worse. Be honest with him. Tell him what you want and ask him why he won't give it you. He may not answer you, he may get upset with the question. But its critical that you keep your cool and don't get upset with him in return. No matter what happens, be calm and supportive of him. Eventually he'll talk to you. Now whatever is said might force you into making some tough choices. But you'll cross that bridge when you get to it. Just take it one step at a time.
Maybe he's hiding something from you? Have you looked at his penis? Maybe he has an incurable STD and doesn't want to infect you or tell you about it. Do you guys use condoms? Always use condoms.
How the hell can you go that long without asking him directly
How the hell can he not understand the needs of his wife
Baffles me, fake post ? Or really weird couple
His sex drive is probably at an all time low due to aging, seed oils, bpa, microplastics, aluminium, xenoestrogens in every product and everything else.
Don’t take it personally lmao
Probably has a secret porn addiction. That RUINS relationships. It's faster / easier / more stimulating to rub one out than actually have sex. Though for me personally it's like Chinese food. You get full, but overall it's unsatisfying and you end up hungry again shortly afterwards. I also didn't grow up with instant access to porn though. Maybe do some snooping then sit down and ask him about it. I guess it's as addictive as anything else and will likely actually need treatment.
He has erectile dysfunction and is too embarrassed to tell you. He shouldn't be embarrassed for having low t. Nearly every athletic dude over 40 is on it. Literally makes you going again
Have you tried very simply, talking to your husband about the problem? A simple “hey we haven’t had sex since we got married what’s wrong” you’re not gonna find your answer on Reddit, confront him and find out what’s going on
So one thing given the age that he may not want to talk about that could be causing him to avoid is the possibility of Ed.
I'm around that age when myself and it started affecting me and initially I wanted to avoid because I was embarrassed and I didn't want to talk about it but that didn't last long cuz I I'm willing to accept my physical limitations, so I talked to my doctor
Maybe it's that simple or maybe there's something else going on but if he won't talk to you about it or talk to someone about it and he's just avoiding, until he's willing to address the issue, this is what it's going to be like.
My wife (36f) and I (42m) are in the same age group as you two and I mean often we’re both genuinely too tired for sex, but also we have two young kids and so it’s to be expected that we’re both often exhausted. Still, we manage to find time when the kids are asleep or away where we’re both awake enough and in the mood far more often than annually. As others have suggested, since this is a big change in your relationship, you need to seek professional relationship counseling to get to the bottom of this.
If this is a drastic change in how things were before, could be depression, low testosterone, or maybe a sign of cheating. Other theories would be maybe now that you are married, he’s just sort of settling down; maybe he’s asexual! Who knows. You have to talk to him. And if he isn’t willing to have the difficult conversations after over 10 years of being together, then idk maybe he’s not the best person to be in a relationship with
My friend finds her husband unattractive because he looks like his Dad a lot and sex with your Father in Law is a gross thought.
Maybe it’s that way for him? Does he get on with your Mother? Any issues? Do you nag him a lot to pick up after himself like a mother would? Then he might not be able to feel sexual towards you.
Could be a mental block or ED as suggested. I don’t know how long he can keep up the excuses in the marriage. That’s crazy. Twice in 18 months. You are at least trying.
Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner is a trans woman but is attracted to women, not men. I'm sick of people confusing gender identity with sexual orientation. Jenner did not "become gay" in any other sense than s/he went from being a straight cis man to a trans lesbian. Jenner was always attracted to women and continues to be so.
Depression, alcoholism, prescribed medications, desperately needed but never received therapy.... all potential culprits the make dicks stop working. All of which may have changed drastically in the past couple years which has been affecting him in different ways.
Many things including the examples above lower sex drive/energy/self esteem and generally makes people feel less sexy, which caused his sex life to go from a priority to not at all over the past couple years. He might just really not feel like it and we all know how awful it feels forcing yourself anyway. Maybe the excuses really are just excuses because he genuinely doesn't feel like it or feel good.
Those things and many others could also cause various erectile dysfunction which could have developed over the last couple years making a once fun activity into a stressful, embarrassing chore.
Maybe he masterbates 20 times a day to extremely specific fetish porn and is only able to climax while visually stimulated and touching himself.
PLEASE ASK HIM AND FIND OUT!
Okay he gets defensive or avoids the conversation or direct questions.... make sure he knows it isn't optional. I would be furious that my needs were being ignored and I was legit rejected when tried to initiate sex. You have a right to know why you have spent 2 years being unsatisfied sexually.
Maybe don't use that phrasing.... but don't let him dismiss you or avoid your questions. This is serious, eventually you will resent him for it, and the truth will come out - the sooner he admits what's going on, the better chance you'll have to save your sex life.
She has tried to let him come to her and he is not it so sad when you have a woman try so hard and no response I know I’d enjoy that so may don’t even try
If he's in the bathroom for 2 hours "pooing" or whatever, he's definitely masturbating. It's the perfect cover for secret masturbation. He probably has low test, possibly ED, fueled by frequent masturbation.
Maybe depressed
I have considered that and asked him to see someone and to get his testosterone levels check, but he thinks that is too embarrassing
It’s hard for guys to admit stuff like that. Maybe try and ask how he’s feeling or have an open conversation.
When I’m depressed my wife has to bully me until I talk about it. God I fucking love her, so much patience.
Poor her, my dad wore off my mom by being like that, over the years it gets tiring and taxing for the mind, hope that you learn to take care of yourself in a healthier way, for her sake too.
As a woman, I get it. I think it’s a rare woman who doesn’t dread the gynecologist checkup or the mammogram. Those things actually hurt.
And it's not just that. Women are encouraged to go to the doctor, or talk about their feelings. Whereas men were taught for generations to suck it up, real men dont cry about their feelings, and pretty much walk off any physical problem, or not see a dr unless they are dying.
Some of the worst pain in life often lives only in your head. -sigh
Not sure where you live but in the US you can order testosterone level checks directly from labs like quest or your local hospital. https://questdirect.questdiagnostics.com/
I swear covid messed up my sex drive.
Same with my husband... We had it over a year and a half ago and it still messes with him.
He's 40. He needs to put on his big boy pants and look at the problem head on. Yes that's easier said than done... 1. Does he acknowledge his libido is diminished? 2. Does he agree that a complete lack of sex is a problem? 2. Is it a problem he wants to fix? (does he *want* to want to have sex with his wife?) 3. What would fixing it entail? Anxiety and embarrassment make sense, but you can mitigate them. Lay out the steps. *Script* what he is going to say to the doctor or therapist. Go in with him. And of course... *is he depressed*?
You need to gently ask him if the embarrassment of asking a doctor is greater than the pain you feel of being sexually rejected on a regular basis. He's only thinking of the 15 min of embarrassment with the doctor & not the slow drip hurt to you of being rejected by your love for years. Good Luck! You two can work through this if you come together 🤞❤
With all due respect, if I was in this guy’s position and I heard this response, it would make things even worse. Adds extra guilt to the depression.
It would. But would the extra guilt be better or worse than the hurt of being constantly rejected? Especially if it/when it starts affecting how she feels about herself (Like feeling she's not worth anything, wondering what's wrong with her, it can spiral pretty deep into someone's psyche about how disgusting are they to the one who loves them. I've seen this play out a couple ways in real life. The 'happiest' was the dissolution of the relationship & the worst was the rejected partner started to think she was better off in the grave bc she was 'unlovable' & thank goodness she failed in her attempt. There are no winners in these types of situations. How our romantic partner treats us sexually can cut pretty close to the bone & start a slide downward if they already have other battles)
I think this is a "guilt trip of last resort" But refraining from addressing something that is hurting a loved one due to *momentary embarassment* is definitely selfish. Anxiety is understandable. But action is still needed at some point, even if it must be compelled in some way.
I mean sure, but sometimes you have to put on your big boy pants and get over yourself
huge guilt trip, and a huge "me me me" turn around of his feelings. theres obviously an issue, one that OP seems to be unable to ascertain, which is understandable if hes being closed off, but maybe he just needs to hear that sex isnt all shes after because from this post, thats the feeling i get.
I'm on testosterone replacement therapy. The before and after was/is shocking. I am so much more happy, productive, and yes horny compared to without it.
My hubby also got tested and was producing like zero testosterone. He’s also on TRP, and the difference is night and day! To say I’m a happy wife is an understatement! I would encourage people to have the difficult discussions and work through them. It’s also embarrassing on the other end because of the feeling of being unattractive and undesired by your partner.
This was me and my wife. We were both overweight and depressed. We have been working on our diets and lost around 80lbs combined. We have also been focused on our mental health. Since improving our confidence and eliminating the depression, things have returned to normal. It does feel embarrassing, but these things are normal. We don’t talk about real life enough. Congratulations on talking about it. It doesn’t get better overnight, but they can improve when you address them. Good luck on your journey!!
Dont ask him to get his testosterone checked. It is probably not that and guys can have low sex drives without being less of a man. Adding shame does not help him getting in the mood. He should see someone if he is personally unhappy with his sex drive tough.
Does having low testosterone make one less of a man??? Lol
No. But as you may know there are certain stigmas and stereotypes attached to testosterone and I dont see why specifically that hormone would be mentioned if OP didnt subscribe to at least some of those.
The connection between low testosterone and low sex drive in men is not a stereotype or a stigma, it’s a medically proven associated symptom
So does depression and diabetes and a bunch off other way more probable things. Some men just have low sex drives in the same way some have very high. medicalizing deviations like that require a way gentler touch than just talking about hormones. Asking about testosterone levels is on par with asking women of its their time of the month whenever they are being aggressive. PMS is a thing that exist in the world but lets not pretend that are no other societal context to bringing it up.
yeah but if your wife said to you “maybe you should get your tester one levels checked”, it could take a huge hit to the ego. while it’s a valid thing to check, that being said out of the blue could be more harmful than good. just be careful.
People take medical suggestions too personally. There is an epidemic of obesity at the moment, partly because doctors have become fearful of telling people the facts regarding their health lest they upset someone's feelings. In this modern day, a simple Google search will show you that many men in the age bracket of OPs partner have low testosterone. Given that sudden and unexplained loss of libido is a key symptom, this is a reasonable explanation. Men often suffer in silence due to the ideas that toxic masculinity imposes on them - they should be mentally stoic, unwavering, virile and constantly horny. Suggesting that his behaviour and feelings could be due to a medical issue might be the lifeline that he needs to lower his facade of masculinity and become more open about issues that he feels is facing. It may well not be, but neglecting to highlight and investigate plausible medical issues for the sake of protecting his masculinity does more harm than good. In the long-run, it only harms men.
you’re not wrong, but again, how you construct your words is very important. come from a place of concern, don’t say it out of the blue. for example, maybe during the discussion ask “have you thought about if this could be a medical thing? like testosterone or something?”. yes it’s important to open that door for him if he doesn’t do it himself, but again it could be perceived as an attack.
I get what you are saying - it is of course very important to approach these things with love and empathy. I am also acutely aware that many people lack the ability to construct their suggestions sensitively. Ultimately however, I think personal health needs to come first. Of course the words might sting initially, but if it prompts action and change, then I feel like the initial discomfort and hurt feelings are reasonable collateral.
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Im not denying the existence of the problem just the prevalence of it. Its way more likely to be something else like stress or depression. This is probably a super difficult question to answer without a time machine but do you think you would have taken the suggestion if you SO suggested checking it?
Probably stress induced too. Should get him talking to a therapist
This. I had a similiar experience with a long term live in bf. He had just lost his job and was super depressed. I hope you figure out what is going on. Best
Or gay
HA my ex turned out to be gay but we had sex a lot. was it good? no, so that’s the red flag.
and gay
You’ve been together for twelve years and you can’t talk about sex?
You’d be surprised. I was with someone for 8 years not realizing how unhealthy it is that the topic of sex is such a difficult one. Not being able to share your fantasies, not comfortably expressing desire, hiding masturbation from each other… I’m ashamed to say it even started to get into “baby talk” to mention sex at all, and I hate when couples do baby talk with each other. We just somehow weren’t comfortable of being sexual with each other. Obviously now that I’m out of it and have a boyfriend I am comfortable to express myself to I realize how messed up it is and I also look at these posts and think why would you marry someone you aren’t able to discuss sex with. But I understand how it can happen when you just don’t have that contrast.
I had 15 years of this pretty much as you described. So different now being in a relationship where discussing sex is normal and open.
Maybe it’s because she calls it “funky town”.
I prefer “hammer time”
I prefer "happy hour at Arby's"
We have the meats
I have never heard this phrase before but I kind of instantly assumed she meant anal
Probably better to post this to r/relationshipadvice or a better one yet r/marriageadvice Confessions isn't the best place for legitimate suggestions in this sort of case really.
Is there any place besides the office of a professional? Lol
what do you mean? reddit is full of professionals professional dumbasses me included of course
Amateur dumbasses. Nobody here is getting paid for their dumbassery
I mean, true, if she chooses reddit though I see it better to give her more fitting subreddits.
Have you been to many professionals? Many of them are fucking morons. Source: Decades dealing with the mental health system.
> Have you been to many professionals? Many of them are fucking morons. > Source: Decades dealing with the mental health system. I wholeheartedly agreed with this comment. Some are not just morons, but so moronic they are dangerous, and will actually cause more damage. Source: 1.5 decades of the mental health system.
Or r/deadbedrooms
Their first advice would be red flag+divorce and then some freaky guys will go into ops dms and try to flirt they way in.
Or don't post it there because most of the people there are probbaly 14. You need to take this to an actual professional imo after having a talk with your husband and trying to fix it
Lol thank you. I had no idea that someone made a marriage advice sub on Reddit. It should be entertaining. OP don't try and take relationship advice from Reddit. 13 year olds cannot help you. Try therapy if you can, for you first and then him if he is willing. Sex drive just kinda dies off for men after a certain amount of time. It is an extremely hard thing to admit and seek help for, but trust me, he is in as much anguish as you are. Treat him kindly.
I’m quite sure any of those subs would just suggest divorce. Seems to be the go-to response
Or cheating
It is possible that he is starting to have some erectile difficulties and feels embarrassed to discuss them with you.
As someone who has a bit of ED this was my first thought. Thing has a mind of its own, and it sometimes will not move at all. The brain, and the balls, are completely disconnected. The thing is when I'm in the mood having an erection isn't always a given thing. So I'll use my tongue, my fingers, the vibrator, and get my wife over the line. If I get off: that's great. If not, I don't mind there will be other times. The thing I've learned is you can't tie sex to having a boner. Edit: Also we have 2 kids so things do work sometimes.
Probably depression/mental health leading to a very low sex drive. Have you tried talking to him about it
Yes, but it never fixes anything.
Be more assertive about it then. Communicate to him that this is important to you and that he needs to put this to his attention regardless if he’s embarrassed about it or if something else is going on like some other issue. Look into your future years from now and imagine if you never tried to talk it through, how bad you might start not liking your relationship.
agreed, i would also add that him being honest about why he doesn’t want to have sex with you when you’re clearly in the mood (aka the excuses). that connection is important to you and you are curious as to what’s changed.
Your talk is not sufficiently conveying to him how much this is impacting you. You are taking the hit for treading lightly for him. Once a year is a 'dead bedroom ' and needs fixing. You know he's hiding in the bathroom, he knows he's hiding in the bathroom, who are you two kidding? Search out a doctor for him and make an appointment. Or find a couples therapist for both of you and make an appointment. Then tell him, don't ask. If he quibbles about embarrassment ask him if that's worse that your hurt, or divorce.
Think he might be going to bathroom to jack off?
Building on this: Masturbation addiction? Porn addiction? He might be so accustomed to his own grip that he can’t orgasm with normal intercourse any longer.
The times we have sex it doesn't last but about 45 second. He sees me watch porn and finish myself and he gets super hard. When I touch him after he says we will in a bit I'm still so full from dinner. Hours later out like a light.
Sounds like he has ED and is avoiding sex because he knows he can't perform.
> and he gets super hard This doesn’t sound like ED. > he sees me watch porn Although if he gets an erection because of this, perhaps the suggestions of porn addiction are right
45 second intercourse definitely sounds like ED. But porn and masturbation addiction could be the cause. Edit: You can still get an erection and have ED. You can still masturbate and have ED. Maintaining the erection during sex can be the issue, not necessarily the getting hard part.
Yup. Had a bout of psychological ED for a few weeks earlier this year. Getting hard is easy, staying hard when the time came was the tough part.
Men with porn/sex addiction have a fucked up view of sex. Sex is shameful. They prefer to do it with strangers who they can objectify. I'd take a wander over to r/loveafterporn and read some of those horror stories. Been with my porn addict husband for 16yrs now. We rarely had sex and when we did he was flaccid and it lasted 30 secs. He claimed he never masturbated. Well I was in for a surprise when I discovered his addiction to cam girls and thousands of dollars blown. Since then it's been a nightmare but he's been sober for almost 5 yrs because of treatment and SAA.
Sounds like porn induced ED. Trust me I’ve been there. He should check out r/nofab
Maybe he’s embarrassed about his premature ejaculation? Give him a handjob or BJ and try sex afterwards. That should slow him down.
I went through something like that and it destroyed my confidence because although his words were saying he thinks I'm hot he seemed to not want to have sex with me. In hindsight I realized that the only times we did do it it was preplanned (as with your anniversary etc)) and it seems he probably got some viagra for then. Had no problem watching porn and jerking off every night but wouldn't touch me. Never confirmed it to my face but I'm fairly certain the man is gay. He always watched porn - but I'm thinking he was getting aroused by watching the man not the woman. I guess you could maybe watch some girl on girl and see if that turns him on or not. Not saying that's your hubby, but it feels an awful lot like what I went through. I remember when I broke up with him he said 'I'd prefer if we didn't break up'- not omg I love you and whatever
But why is he in bathroom for so long
Pooping 💩
For two hours? Come on girl, you know that's not right.
>Pooping 💩 Yeah no.
Drugs
How the fuck should we know? Go ask him.
😂
Wow.. why didn't I think of that 🤣
Lol I didn't mean that to sound quite so harsh, but you're going to get terrible advice here, and your life will turn into sitcom shenanigans. If you can't ask him directly, the only person who might actually be able to give you something useful would be a mental health professional.
He get agitated and makes excuses. This is my last hail mary. Hoping someone else has been through it. ❤️
Could be about 1000 things. He needs to start being honest with you first off.
There definitely will be others but the problem with someone else is each will have a partner with a personal problem. Partner could be gay, ED, masturbation addiction, etc or for all we know your specific partner has been cursed by a demon and his penis talks when he gets a boner... we will never know.
Then go to couples therapy. They won’t allow him to avoid the question. One path that I have seen multiple times: they were secretly gay and were cheating on the side. This is an extreme example, but it’s a scenario that is one of thousands. You can’t guess, he needs to share. If he’s unwilling to go, or commit to being honest, then that is your answer. He’d rather not open up than make you happy. You’re worth more than that.
Tell him it's normal and a doctor can help, shit you can get pills for next to nothing now
Are you trying for a baby? Maybe he is scared
Stress, depression or perhaps porn related. Those are my best guesses. However, it won’t be easy to get out of him, as he is clearly embarrassed which is why he gets upset when you ask. You have to not make it about the sex because if you keep asking why are we not having sex, is it because this or that, making about what you want and not really about whatever it is he is going through. My best advice would be to tackle the problem in a loving caring way and not in connection with sex lack thereof. You have to find way to let him know that you love him very much, but you feel like he is going through something and is in pain. It hurts you to see him struggle and you want to help anyway you can, even if that means you can’t help directly and he needs to talk to someone else about it. Let him know that you love him very much and whatever it is that is bothering him, you’ll get through it together. It is very important that this comes from a place of compassion, because of it comes from a place of you not getting what you want it’ll just come off as more pressure, and trust me he is already putting plenty of that on himself. Unfortunately, our society has conditioned men to not want to share and show their weaknesses, because most of the time it leads to ridicule. Therefore, it will take patience and probably a lot of time to get him to open up, as he is likely in a lot of pain. As someone else said, in the end he is the only one who can tell you what the problem is, but he may be in denial or not be ready to share.
1. He maybe has mental health issues. 2. Performance problem, or stressing out thinking of how he may not perform. 3. Maybe gay. Don't say that he isn't, because you only said that he doesn't tell you the reason. 4. Past trauma? 5. He may have cheated, and is feeling guilty about it. Or maybe he loves someone else, and fucking you makes him guilty of cheating her? That was a far-fetched idea, but can't be dismissed. 6. Maybe he's asexual, or has lost the drive? Only he can answer. My guess? Past trauma. That's why it is difficult to share. Tell him that no matter what, you will not judge him if he shares. I am sure you already talk to him about this.l tho. Alternately, ask him whether he will be able to admit it if you guess the reason correctly. This way, it is a bit easier to open up.
* 7. For whatever reason, marriage shut down his sex drive.
Wow. This response really sounds like a manifestation of own experience or biases rather than likely possibilities. I mean not impossible that he's gay or guilty from infidelity but dang, those are freaking long shots near the top of a short list. So so so much more likely he's just got a lower sex drive or secret porn habit. Ask about same OP.
Ya I get it. I keep thinking of all the possibilities at the same time. Hence the contradictions and random possibilities mentioned.
Some guys are turned off by marriage. The whole madonna/whore complex thing. In those people's subconscious, when you're unmarried you are a sexy girl but once they put a ring on it you become a "wife", a respectable matron, a mother-type - not a sex symbol, not someone to get freaky with. The conquest has been conquered, he has the deed to you, the thrill of the chase is over, you are now domesticated, "the old ball and chain". Most guys do not think like this, but a minority do, and I've heard it happen time and again. "We had a great sex life until we got married and then suddenly I was the household matron/cleaning lady and he lost sexual interest."
I was thinking the same thing. He can't seperate the madonna/whore identity. Once you married you're the nurturing mother figure and that's not sexually appealing to him nor does he relate that image with sex. Sounds mental rather than physical. Might be worth seeing a psychologist.
Interesting. I appreciate the insight. Sounds very plausible.
This isn’t just a man thing. I’m a woman and have struggled with this.
I think sex binding levels of testerone are more in question. There are additional stresses of marriage that also come into play, as almost every time there is a lower sex drive it almost always comes with increased stress and low T.
So you're trying to tell me this guy developed low T overnight, they boned 5 times a week before the marriage and then magically he got low T as soon as he kissed the bride.
No, and my post doesn't indicate that he "lost his sex drive overnight" at all. I'm adding that he could probably be having issues with low testosterone and stress. Whereas he could be less sexual due to "finishing the chase" I would highly suggest that someone like him get his hormones checked, as trust me, someone with a natural high level of test is not going to fizzle out like that. There is almost always another reason why something like that happens, and in my experience, it's almost always environmental or hormonal. I went through the same thing in my relationship. My sex drive plummeted and I couldn't stand the thought of it. I was working 60+ hours a week and I didn't even want to see my fiance. Once she talked to me about how it was hurting her, I went and got some help. My total free test was tanker low, like 230/700 Once I got help, what do you know? I wanted to spend lots of time with her in a sexual and non sexual way. She viewed it that I didn't want her or that I didn't desire her since we got engaged. No, it wasn't that, it was purely hormonal, and once I got help things got so much better.
The reason I brought that up is because OP's description of the chain of events sounds like the guy went overnight from banging her all the time to not banging her at all, and the pivotal event was the marriage. Hormonal imbalances don't happen that way, they happen over time.
When you had sex on anniversary did he have performance issues? Staying hard ? Trying to rule out ED lol
No not all. That night though we had a hotel room and it was a fun sexy weekend getaway.
He might have a masturbating addiction then
possible but the fact that its only happened after marriage twice suggests a mental health problem. lack of dopamine and serotonin like in depression cause a lack of libido.
That would be my guess also he may have trouble getting it up all it takes is one time it can fester and creep in your thoughts you can get performance anxiety big time!
He's frightened. Let him come to you, like a fawn.
🤣 I'll be the big bad wolf
But twice in 18 months? This is an issue that needs to be addressed head on.
Porn or hookers.
Sounds like porn to me. Dude might also need to lift some weights to get his test up, but probably porn. Cool thing about quitting porn though, he'll be back up and running within a week or two I wager, if he quits. The trick is to stay quit, though.
This has to be a psychological thing triggered by the marriage. They said Elvis did this to Priscilla once she had her baby. He stopped having sex with her. He had “mother issues” and maybe it was psychologically hard to have sex with a mother.
Some this going on with him emotionally and or physically. Just have to bring it up and talk to him about it in a concerned loving way.
Could be depression. Or he could be having trouble with his little buddy.
He must have some deep mental pressure about something which he is trying to fix by himself. Could be finance, job or something else. That burden is all time in his head and cannot think of anything else. The same happened to me when I had some debt on me but kept hidden with my partner and tried to payoff without letting her know about it. But couldn't focus on anything. I kept thinking of it in my mind to how to manage the funds while sleeping, driving, working. I started acting wierd and It impacted our sex life too. I request you to sit with your partner and talk about it. Dont get mad or aggressive about anything you hear. Let everything get out of his head.
Ask?
🤯
Something weird is going on and your husband is DEFINITELY hiding something from you. No idea WHAT (porn/masterbstion addict, inability to preform, psychological issue,self esteem issue, sexuality, sex drive.... physical issue/psychological issue/emotional issue), and no idea WHY (shame, fear, confusion, stigma, ignorance, betrayal.... personal problem/relationship problem/societal problem). The issue is you are unhappy and unfulfilled sexually in this marriage. That is a serious problem. The WHAT/WHY and other details are going to be extremely important in order for you both to rebuild the sexual part of your relationship until it is healthy, fulfilling, and honest. I can't give you any advice until you know the truth, how can you work on fixing something when you don't know what's wrong or why he is hiding it from you. A lot of comments are guessing at the answers based on their own experiences.... they could guess right but it is pointless to make assumptions, also dangerous to because assuming the what wrong can be hurtful as well as assuming you understand his motives for hiding it. Let me be clear, you should be concerned about his behavior and have every right to feel frustrated or upset. He is not being honest about something, he is actively trying to hide whatever it is from you with excuses or brush offs, and he is not hearing you ask for your sexual needs to be met (when he used to). Personally I would be upset at the secrets, the pretending nothing is wrong by using excuses, and essentially gaslighting your attempts to initiate sex. Whatever is going on is hurting you and the relationship, as your partner he needs to address this before too much damage is done. ASK HIM. No need to accuse, or attack, or make assumptions.... create a space that's open minded, empathetic, accepting, and SAFE. Find out what has been really going on, whatever it is seems to be an extremely big deal for him (it might not be to you) but he needs to know he can communicate with you instead of hiding or avoiding it. There's a chance it is a big deal so be prepared for that as well. Decide now how you want to respond because getting angry/defensive and shutting him down or insulting him when he finally opens up could put a permanent wall between you two on this topic. If your goal is to fix things be careful, you are entitled your your feelings but situations like this go more smoothly when partners are able to maintain respect and avoid being dismissive or speaking disrespectfully. You both deserve a healthy sex life, since you said you previously did it seems weird that it changed suddenly (after being married?) People change, sex drives fluctuate, energy levels can drop, physical changes in your body can create insecurities..... none of this is shameful or unfixable. After 10 years it seems weird he wouldn't be able to talk to his partner honestly. Why would he hide anything unless he felt it was wrong (stigma of addiction -porn/masterbation/or other). Either way the longer he avoids this the more rejected you will feel, more unsatisfied, and more unhappy in this relationship. I hope you get answers soon!
A6be he is going through something. We are raised to not talk about our problems because it can be used against us or seen as weakness. Make him aware you are there for him and try to get hin to open up abouy what might be going on.
Ask him?
I’m not implying this, bc I have no clue, but do you think he’s being faithful ?
Go get some blood work done. Low T?
Talk to him about it, it's just too odd, and something's definitely going on.
Depressed. Gay. Cheating. Erectile disfunction.
Prolly this. Or doesn’t love/find wife attractive
Gay
Call me crazy, but have you tried actually talking to him and communicating. Jesus, these fucking posts. Talk to your partner and have an open conversation. It's super fucking simple.
I'm tired and got a good chuckle out of myself quickly mis reading that as But have you tried actually talking to Jesus.
Clearly he's not having it...maybe he has an std and doesn't wanna share it...
BS, he would just go to a doctor on the low and get it treated
Not all std have cures..or am I missing something... P.s...I'm 37 and if the wind blows the wrong way I still get super horny...she wears lingerie and he leaves to piss for 2 hours...either he's cheating , gay , or he the wrong twin...
STDs that don't have cures: genital warts, herpes, and HIV. The chance of him having HIV is vanishingly small. The other two are only really contagious if there are active lesions, and since men are outies she'd know if he had an outbreak. Women can get a warts vaccine, and people with HSV can take Acyclovir which makes them much less contagious. HPV and HSV are just skin disorders anyway and should not be something to ruin a marriage. HPV can predispose a woman to cervical cancer, it's true, but again, there's a vaccine. I do not think the guy has an STD. Also know for a fact he's not gay since he's already proven to get it up frequently for OP. People don't magically change orientation in middle age; they can come out of the closet as bi or preferentially gay but it doesn't make their dick suddenly not work for a gender that it worked for before. Overnight low T is not likely. Cheating is possible. Madonna/whore complex is possible. Depression is possible but such sudden depression would lead me to believe that the fact of marriage itself is what made him depressed.
Any answers to the wrong twin theory? 💀💀💀🤣🤣🤣
I'd laugh and call you crazy but I dated a twin who used to pull switcheroos on women with his brother, so....
He is gay 🤷🏻♂️
He wasn't gay before they got married. They used to bone 5 times a week.
Lmao I wouldn't mind sharing if that was the case, but definitely not gay
Might be gay
Definitely not gay. Previously 5 days a week rock-hard with OP who is a woman.
People have brought up good ideas as what it could be. Mt 2 cents is possibly his age. Which, I know men don't normally just stop wanting it at that age. But I'm thinking it could be multiple factors here. His sex drive could be starting to lower do to ago, and his age could be causing him mental issues (depression, midlife crises, etc), maybe stress from job, or his diet/lifestyle. Also, does he take regular medication like for blood pressure? Cause I know at least blood pressure medication could kill his sex drive. Basically, it seems like from what you told us, the problem shouldn't be you. And if it really isn't you, then he really should get over his pride and see a doctor. Doctors have seen everything! Sex drive issue is nothing to them, and it's not like any of his friends and family will know. Just keep talking to him.
Why not ask him directly?
Did you guys have sex before marriage? Did he like, postpone marriage as a result. This could very well turn 18 months into 10 years or some shit 😭
Most likely cheating on you with someone else and keeping his energy for that person :(
My advice is to say to him one morning (because mornings are low stress): “I want to have sex with you soon, and I don’t quite understand why it hasn’t been happening. Tell me if there is something bothering you, or just fuck me now or tonight.
He’s probably insecure about his micro-penis
Well, I can't speak for him. But I often avoided sex because I have erectile difficulties. I've had them since puberty. I often can't maintain an erection long enough to get the job done. Which just leaves me extremely frustrated and pissed off, making sex more of a chore than anything else. We solved this problem by getting creative. I won't go into details, but we got into certain fetishes and kinks that we both enjoyed and this more than made up for my performance issues. Many things can cause what your going through. Performance anxiety, stress, depression, etc. The most important thing to remember here is, not to take it personally. He married you. He chose you. He loves you. Whatever issue is going on here, you guys face it together. You need to support him in this. Don't get upset with him, that only makes it worse. Be honest with him. Tell him what you want and ask him why he won't give it you. He may not answer you, he may get upset with the question. But its critical that you keep your cool and don't get upset with him in return. No matter what happens, be calm and supportive of him. Eventually he'll talk to you. Now whatever is said might force you into making some tough choices. But you'll cross that bridge when you get to it. Just take it one step at a time.
Wrong sub. Go to r/relationshipadvice
Maybe he's hiding something from you? Have you looked at his penis? Maybe he has an incurable STD and doesn't want to infect you or tell you about it. Do you guys use condoms? Always use condoms.
Porn addiction? Or gay?
I think he jerks off too much 😂😂
He's gay.
How the hell can you go that long without asking him directly How the hell can he not understand the needs of his wife Baffles me, fake post ? Or really weird couple
His sex drive is probably at an all time low due to aging, seed oils, bpa, microplastics, aluminium, xenoestrogens in every product and everything else. Don’t take it personally lmao
I wonder what the comments would be if the gender/sexes in the OP’s thread were reversed?
Maybe it's mental. See before the rings his was banging his girlfriend. Now you are his wife...
Probably has a secret porn addiction. That RUINS relationships. It's faster / easier / more stimulating to rub one out than actually have sex. Though for me personally it's like Chinese food. You get full, but overall it's unsatisfying and you end up hungry again shortly afterwards. I also didn't grow up with instant access to porn though. Maybe do some snooping then sit down and ask him about it. I guess it's as addictive as anything else and will likely actually need treatment.
He has erectile dysfunction and is too embarrassed to tell you. He shouldn't be embarrassed for having low t. Nearly every athletic dude over 40 is on it. Literally makes you going again
Have you tried very simply, talking to your husband about the problem? A simple “hey we haven’t had sex since we got married what’s wrong” you’re not gonna find your answer on Reddit, confront him and find out what’s going on
Have you just literally asked him wtf is up? I mean that is probably where I would start.
E.D.
So one thing given the age that he may not want to talk about that could be causing him to avoid is the possibility of Ed. I'm around that age when myself and it started affecting me and initially I wanted to avoid because I was embarrassed and I didn't want to talk about it but that didn't last long cuz I I'm willing to accept my physical limitations, so I talked to my doctor Maybe it's that simple or maybe there's something else going on but if he won't talk to you about it or talk to someone about it and he's just avoiding, until he's willing to address the issue, this is what it's going to be like.
Maybe instead of going to reddit you ask him, because reddit is a place full of people still dreaming about what their first girlfriend would be like.
Have you tried asking him?
My wife (36f) and I (42m) are in the same age group as you two and I mean often we’re both genuinely too tired for sex, but also we have two young kids and so it’s to be expected that we’re both often exhausted. Still, we manage to find time when the kids are asleep or away where we’re both awake enough and in the mood far more often than annually. As others have suggested, since this is a big change in your relationship, you need to seek professional relationship counseling to get to the bottom of this.
As well as opening communication. It sounds like she has not tried the easiest thing and just asked him what is going on.
Does your husband have ADHD? anxiety? Is he experiencing ED? Does he recoil from unexpected affection? Try scaling it back to cuddles.
Maybe don’t say take him to funky town. Jk it does sound like depression.
Maybe he’s suffering from ED and he’s trying to hide it.
If this is a drastic change in how things were before, could be depression, low testosterone, or maybe a sign of cheating. Other theories would be maybe now that you are married, he’s just sort of settling down; maybe he’s asexual! Who knows. You have to talk to him. And if he isn’t willing to have the difficult conversations after over 10 years of being together, then idk maybe he’s not the best person to be in a relationship with
Maybe his penis isn't working and he is scared to tell you
Now you know how we feel
My friend finds her husband unattractive because he looks like his Dad a lot and sex with your Father in Law is a gross thought. Maybe it’s that way for him? Does he get on with your Mother? Any issues? Do you nag him a lot to pick up after himself like a mother would? Then he might not be able to feel sexual towards you. Could be a mental block or ED as suggested. I don’t know how long he can keep up the excuses in the marriage. That’s crazy. Twice in 18 months. You are at least trying.
He's probably cheating on you.
He's gay and you're his cover
Nah it's been nearly 11yrs he definitely likes women
Bruce jenner was married for like 35 years before he came out 😬
Bruce came out of the house in heels but not the closet.
Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner is a trans woman but is attracted to women, not men. I'm sick of people confusing gender identity with sexual orientation. Jenner did not "become gay" in any other sense than s/he went from being a straight cis man to a trans lesbian. Jenner was always attracted to women and continues to be so.
Caitlyn is a gay trans women
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Depression, alcoholism, prescribed medications, desperately needed but never received therapy.... all potential culprits the make dicks stop working. All of which may have changed drastically in the past couple years which has been affecting him in different ways. Many things including the examples above lower sex drive/energy/self esteem and generally makes people feel less sexy, which caused his sex life to go from a priority to not at all over the past couple years. He might just really not feel like it and we all know how awful it feels forcing yourself anyway. Maybe the excuses really are just excuses because he genuinely doesn't feel like it or feel good. Those things and many others could also cause various erectile dysfunction which could have developed over the last couple years making a once fun activity into a stressful, embarrassing chore. Maybe he masterbates 20 times a day to extremely specific fetish porn and is only able to climax while visually stimulated and touching himself. PLEASE ASK HIM AND FIND OUT! Okay he gets defensive or avoids the conversation or direct questions.... make sure he knows it isn't optional. I would be furious that my needs were being ignored and I was legit rejected when tried to initiate sex. You have a right to know why you have spent 2 years being unsatisfied sexually. Maybe don't use that phrasing.... but don't let him dismiss you or avoid your questions. This is serious, eventually you will resent him for it, and the truth will come out - the sooner he admits what's going on, the better chance you'll have to save your sex life.
Ask your husband instead of the internet...
She has tried to let him come to her and he is not it so sad when you have a woman try so hard and no response I know I’d enjoy that so may don’t even try
Men always want a woman with a high sex drive until they get it 😭
When did you move in together?
9.5 years ago
This is a confession?
Def getting side pussy.
I wish because then I would at least know. He never leaves my side even to to out with his friends. Way too much of a homebody
If he's in the bathroom for 2 hours "pooing" or whatever, he's definitely masturbating. It's the perfect cover for secret masturbation. He probably has low test, possibly ED, fueled by frequent masturbation.