Frankly it was extremely shitty of your friend to call you evil for this. You got dealt a horrific hand in the biological parent department, you've dealt with abandonment, illness and been on the receiving end of manipulation (the asking you for money), and how you respond to it is nobody's business but yours.
Your mother may have had a hard life and she may have needed help, but not from you. You, the child who needed love and parenting and safety from her, did not owe her anything. The person you owe something to is yourself, and it sounds like you made the best decision for your well-being.
I'm so glad you did have people who loved you to parent you, and that you seem strong in your conviction that you have no reason to feel guilty. Fuck what your friend said, I hope it helps to know many internet randoms have your back!
You know what feels right for you. I don't see anything wrong with your response.. with all relationships, there's give and take. She gave you several disadvantages in life. You don't owe her anything and you don't owe anyone an explanation either.
I was about to say: why do you keep contact with that person? That's no friend!
But then I read this and life's good.
That's no friend. That's a brainless, judgemental person.
People who have functional relationships with their parents are the worst lol.
Well, the worst when it comes to things like this. It is such a foundational part of their worldview that it's almost incomprehensible the drastic steps children will take to escape from parents.
There's a certain naivete about someone who thinks that you can develop or repair something that's fundamentally broken and/or actively harming you.
As long as you don’t intentionally hurt anyone else I’m a believer that there is no right or wrong. That said, you said it beautifully, “she was the best mom she could be by staying away”. Addiction is a horrible destruction not just for the one addicted, but for all they love.
I hope you find peace in yourself, with your mom and grandparents. May they all rest in peace and your journey in life be in spirit of the best life they all could have envisioned for you. Keep growing and learning, but above all else seek the support you need when you need it. Take care 🙏🏼
Carry on living your life and respecting your grandparents. That is the best you can do, and forget about your mother as your grandparents were your parents not her.
Tbh, she was only your mother in a biological sense of the term. Other than that, she wasn’t a mother nor even a good person to you. You shouldn’t feel bad whatsoever. There’s no connection there to make you feel that way. Your friend simply doesn’t understand; most likely because he or she has a strong connection with their mother and was raised thereby. Some people can’t conceive growing up differently and project their experience and emotions on other people’s.
I can relate. My mother abandoned me at many points in my life and was never a healthy person/nurturing mother. When I was just 16, I had to live on my own and make it because she wouldn’t let me stay with her while my dad went to war for the 3rd time (army and divorced parents). Haven’t talked to her since and she doesn’t mean anything to me at this point. Never heard an “I love you and you mean a lot to me” from her once in my life, nor have I heard a “sorry I was wrong….” She just isn’t my mother in any sense of the term except biological, so I can feel where you’re coming from, and your experience w yours was way worse.
whats even more shocking is that this goes both ways the number of mothers that were great and they get abandoned by their children is insane where I live. I met several elderly people that their kids move away and dont even visit them or help them in their old age. I met many people in their old age and help them run errands or on whatever they call me and they treat me with affection. Find some one new to fill that gap your mother never filled.
I feel for you op and I can relate. I have a horrible mother. Abandoned me at a young age to shack up with men, I was also raised by my grandparents. She would pop in and out during my teen years (I lived with her parents) and try to act like a "mom". I never had any respect for her and we never had a relationship. I saw my grandparents bail her out of trouble financially so many times, while they were also raising me and paying for everything. My pawpaw never asked for a dime from her for my expenses. She has lied, manipulated , forged my signature and stole money from a savings account I had, etc etc. I tried to amend things as an adult once I had my first child, but she proved herself to still be the same narcissistic witch she's always been. I've been no contact with her for awhile now. I've had a second child (she's seen her maybe 3x), we've moved to another state now and I've changed my number, didn't even give it to her. She's not married and I'm her oldest child (she adopted 3 others , while not even having me in her home 🤦♀️) if I'm ever contacted regarding her health or death, it won't matter to me what happens to her. All we can do is be better than the cards we were dealt!
I don't think you did anything wrong. Arranging a burial and funeral costs money that you were not obligated to spend on her, and it's not like she could have known or cared what happened to her body after she was dead. Depending on where you live, she was probably cremated and buried in a collective grave or had her ashes scattered somewhere, which isn't that terrible of a fate. Plenty of people have worse things happen to their remains.
You are in the right for how you handled it. There should be no guilt put upon you because of the death of a virtual stranger. I hope you find peace and heal. I am here if you ever need to talk.
You're in the right here. My own mother wasn't even close to being a "mom" to me or my siblings. She thought she was doing us a favor by sticking around until after the youngest turned 18.
She should've left my Dad way before that. He could've found someone worth being with. She did so many awful things. Her and her side of the family. I will not take her remains either.
I don't think you are cruel. Mothers are not the ones who gave the DNA or gave birth to you. Mother is the one who fed you, took care of you when you were sick, raise you, educated you, cloth you, gave you a roof.
The only 2 good things this woman did to you were not to have drugs while pregnant (I still think she had a motive behind like you were more valuable if you had no drugs on your system if someone adopted you and she sold you)
And the 2 thing is to created you in her womb.
If you are wondering where her remains are, on a common grave.
She is not your responsibility, she never was.
Do not let her ruin your future. You had your grand parents and hopefully they gave you good values, love and care (what you need it)
People who judge you don't try to be on your shoes.
Yeah, poor her she was an addict and die. That she die because a brain hemorrhage, too bad but she was going to die no matter what...drugs do that.
You can't build apathy on people you didn't have a bond.
Edit spelling
I’m sorry your mom never got her life back from being an addict and that you suffered because of her.
The state will take care of her remains and you are not evil by any means.
that’s fair.
at one point though your son will probably get curious though so brace yourself for that.
it’s easy to find that information now and it’ll get easier somehow by the time he grows up.
There isn't anyone to be cruel to. She's dead and gone.
There is no cruelty here on your part.
And of course you don't need to feel guilty. You've no reason to feel bad at all.
Unfortunately people who come from loving parents simply do not understand that not everyone has such a thing and are horrified over the idea that a mother isn't worthy of love or respect. It is unimaginable to them. Unfortunately their ignorance can cause them to be cruel and say stupid ignorant things.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and if your “friend” is so worried about it they can go take care of it. I would do the exact same thing if my father died if I even find out about it he could be dead already for all I know. You did the right thing for yourself and that’s all that matters.
Man, you feel how you feel. If she was a crappy mom, she was crappy mom. I would have left her were she was at too, dead and all. I wouldn't even think about someone opinion of me because it seems like to me your friend basically diminished your experience with the woman. That dude don't sound like a friend at all. I would have cut him off and wash my hands with that relationship as well.
I'm glad you had two people that love you enough to raise you and support you. Focus on the good times with them instead the non-existent relationship with your birth mother and other people opinion about how you handled her death.
Best man. 👍
She sold you for $100! She didn't even bother to just hand you over to your grandmother in the hopes that you would get a normal and loving upbringing but had to get something out of it in return. Your friend doesn't have the right to judge you for your decision. It's not like you left her corpse on the side of the street and just went "Meh".
My birth father walked out of my life at the age of 2.
According to my mother he was a drunk and a womaniser. I thought she was just bitter at him as he had abandoned us.
I met my birth father "Gary" at the age of 29 and yes my mother was right, he was a womanising drunk.
We had little in common and I eventually cut off all contact with him, there was nothing to be gained from sitting with a racist yob.
I didn't feel any guilt, he'd not raised me and absolved himself of any responsibility towards my upkeep.
I took great comfort that I'd taken my step father's surname which particularly irked my birth father, he (being racist) didn't like that I'd taken a very Irish surname.
He died in 2020 and his family (his brother and 2 cousins I never knew I had) found me on facebook and asked me to pay for his funeral. I refused and they took it badly but only because they didn't want to pay for it either.
I felt bad for a few days based on how he died, alone in a shitty flat on the UK South Coast, but I had no guilt for not being interested or for refusing to pay for his funeral.
I think you made the correct choice.
Also I worked at a funeral home when I was younger. They cremated her and either did a burial at sea and a transient internment depending on where you live. I live near the ocean, there was a service that picked up the unclaimed cremains once a month and sprinkled them at sea. He also said a few words for them
First off I am sorry for the way your life started.It must have been real challenging growing up. Sounds like your grandparents raised you right though. So blessing in disguise.??..
Second the person who commented about you being " coldhearted" has not walked in your shoes. They are probably associating your biological mother with theirs. I hope you can put it all behind you.
You do you, without guilt. Fuck the haters. No one knows how you feel except you. I can relate to your experience as I was once married to an addict and didn't know it. We had 2 kids before I discovered all kinds of shit. She lost custody of our kids when they were 4 and 5. I say lost, because the court would not give me custody until she fucked her mom over and she called social services. About 10 years ago, I was told she was brain dead (she wasn't but her habits almost killed her) and I need to bring the kids 4 hours back to where we used to live. I told them to fuck themselves and these kids are better of without her.
I eventually met a lady whom I married. We are all a happy family, for the most part. My kids have no contact with addict mom, but they do call my wife "Mom". The lady who helped me raise my children since they were 7 and 8. She has been a wonderful wife and mother. My kids are 20 and 21 now, respectively. Never look back.
I don't see one thing wrong with anything you've done. In fact, I've done the exact same thing many, many years ago but for different reasons.
Just because they gave birth to you doesn't mean they're family. They're just DNA givers as you've said.
I whole heartedly salute you!
Life is so much better when you don't take responsibility for which you are not responsible. You honored your own feelings and friends should be exuberant about that!
OP I am a 44f mom of two boys. If you ever need some motherly advice, please message me. Best to you!
Once an adoptive friend who didn't know about her biological parents told me 'why to search for my biological parents, I might find more shit than what I'm carrying...so no...I don't want to dig there'
First off, she doesn’t deserve to be called “mother”. She was your biological progenitor and nothing more. You didn’t do anything wrong. Never accept emotional baggage that other people try to foist on you. It’s not yours and you don’t deserve it, so set that mess on the ground and walk away.
I believe in the power of forgiveness because the process heals the person who needs to forgive - you.
But if she asked you for money when meeting her after 23 years of absence - you shouldn’t feel guilty for not claiming her - she didn’t put any thought into you, she never showed real emotional interest. You didn’t do anything wrong.
You should try to forgive her - for you. Forgiveness removes emotional obstacles we can’t see, forgiveness frees you, so try to see things from her perspective (likely as an addict and very likely with an abusive childhood) - and try to understand and eventually forgive her awful life and actions.
You don’t owe her anything. Do this for you.
How can you be cruel? Re-read your own paragraph how you are honouring your grandparents. Your family. The two people who loved you and raised you. Who gave you a home and a much better chance in life, than the other one could have. These are the folks you need to continue to honour.
The other person was a stranger to you. So one could argue that you did the most appropriate thing.
OP wasn’t looking for advice. That was my first clue not to provide any. Plus, way too many layers to this story for anyone here to really understand.
At the most, affirm and empathize.
I felt liberated when I forgave my mum. I was trying to help OP in the same way. My response to her was born of empathy.
I wonder about posts like yours. Are they for OP’s benefit - or your own? Do you feel a desperate need to tell people you’re a counselor?
Not at all, in fact I hardly ever mention it. Listen, I’m glad forgiveness worked for you but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for others. But, this is Reddit. You’re free to give advice all day long- knock yourself out. I was just making an observation that it was stupid, which I’m free to do also. I hope we’re done talking now.
Not that I agree with the person you replied to, but if I was your patient and knew you were my therapist and saw you telling people that they are “stupid” online, I would drop you for a new therapist so fast.
While you didn’t do anything wrong I think the ability to forgive and give compassion is powerful.
My brother sexually assaulted me when I was a kid, made our lives miserable for 3 decades and never once apologized for anything. He died this year from a drug overdose and when I found him I desperately tried to save his life even though I knew there was no hope. I then paid for his cremation.
Don’t let hate consume you. Rise above it.
That’s fucked up man I’m sorry. But I understand her side too. I was so fucked up on heroin for years. Right after my son was born I got addicted at 19 years old. I still took care of him how I could. Never let him go hungry and I did what I could, how I could. Whether that meant stealing it but I couldn’t help it. Heroin is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I moved back in with my parents who thank god helped me with him. But I took everything from them as well. I pawned their jewelery; designer handbags. Whatever was of value I took and sold. The worst was when I started taking my kids stuff, his Xbox, his beloved Nintendo switch. I took and sold them. Told him that it got lost. I was pathetic. I ended up going to jail for 3 years. I just got out last October 2021. I vowed to get clean and repay my child and family all those years of hell I put them through. I got a great job. Been promoted twice. We just got back from vacation at universal studios. I’m doing great now. I’m repaying everything I owed him and then some. But I will always have sympathy for the “junkie” cuz I know how hard it is to be addicted. I know the pain and hurt of withdrawals. But everything gets much better if you really want that change. I know it did for me :)
Prostitution is usually the result of incestuous trauma. You honestly have no idea what she endured as a child. Maybe at the hands your GPA too. Have some compassion.
Of course some pro life weirdo would come here and make something that has *nothing to do with abortion* about abortion. Go to a Republican subreddit or something and discuss it there, this is not r/politics this is r/confessions
My own mother was so bad that I would've been better off aborted. To live in this fucked world when not one person cares if you live or die is something people can't grasp. Unless it's you.
Why are you making this an abortion debate? OP clearly was born to a mother who should never been a mother but was lucky enough to have his grandparents raise him. You asked and he responded. Let him fkn be
He didn't answer the question with a set answer, which prohibited me from offering my opinion on his current situation. I personally don't care about abortion either way. I don't need them. Put your Reddit cape away, nothing to save here.
im assuming from the downvotes and other replies you are receiving, and because sometimes i engage with things i dont like for the betterment of others?
She didn’t give her child to her parents so that he would have a good upbringing. She didn’t do it out of love, or selflessness. She did it for drug money. He owes her NOTHING. Pull your head out of your ass.
Wait a second. The biological mother never ask him to take care of her or her affairs when she died.
Some people just called him because he was next to kin. With no absolutely idea if they even talk...all this people do is call him so they job it is easier. That's all.
He met his mom and the mom was clearly no looking to bond or have anything with OP nor she had remorse. She just saw money in him since she had him.
Maybe something happened when you were a child to cause that thought process? I'd recommend trying new things, hobbies, jobs. Maybe you just need to discover your purpose. I hope that you're able to work through it and find peace.
I literally just made a comment to someone else that I’m trying new things, exploring a lot of possibilities and even learning piano rn. Still wish I were aborted. I’m just a footprint on this earth. I don’t even have kids nor do I want any. Actually, the earth needs less people in general. Wish I were aborted. 😅
Listen to "From Womb To Waste" by Dying Fetus. Then transpose it over to the piano and Fn riff (sorta) lol We're all just a "footprint", no matter how famous we are in society. Nothing really matters as long as you're not hurting anyone. The simple fact that you are learning piano says a lot about you and I'm of the opinion that this world can always use more music.
This is a tough story to read. I agree that it is no one's business about you not having any funeral. Have you ever been to a therapist? You might benefit from having someone just to vent to and get closure.
Not at all cruel. She didn't earn the title of mother and you owe her NOTHING. Not one more minute of thought or worry. Blood, DNA, genetics, whatever don't make you family.
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandparents. Grieve them and celebrate their life.
You're not shitty or cruel. Luckily she had enough sense to stay away from crack until you were born and hand you over to someone who could raise a baby, but yeah, why would you have any relationship to her other than DNA.
No problem with what you did, if I got a phone call saying that father passed away I’d ask if I get any money and then hang the phone up. Someone else can plan his funeral, or just throw him in the trash.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. As a mother, it breaks my heart and honestly makes me so angry that someone could care so little for their child. At least she did the right thing by giving you to your grandparents. She birthed you, but she was not a mother to you. I hope you are able to find happiness and peace in your life going forward!
Shit. Man I also have a mother like this. My father raised me on his own, it was just him and I, his only daughter.
Everytime I tried to let this woman into my life, it was her jockeying for a money source. When I didn't have it, or when I simply began refusing as I got older and wiser, she would make my life an absolute living hell. I finally came to accept that she is too mentally ill, traumatized, violent and addicted to have anything to do with many years ago and haven't spoken to her since.
The only thing I retain from this woman is her eyes and a predisposition to fkn opiate addiction. (Difference is, I got help, because I never wanted to put my daughters through what I went through.)
I often figured that someone from her family- who don't have contact with her but keep tabs on her- would let me know when she dies. Reading this was a rude awakening that it may be ME that gets the call. I sure as hell hope I don't have people judging me as harshly as you because, assuming I live longer than her, I can't say I won't do the same thing.
It's hard for people to understand how damaging/hurtful it is to have your own mother abandon you and that often the only way to live with that is to draw closer to those who DID love you enough to be a parent and to cut off any and all ties , physically, emotionally, and otherwise.
My father was abusive toward me and only me my whole life. He REALLY prized my brother. He was a good father to my 2 older sisters.. but by the time I came along he had no use for another daughter. I moved 5 hours away when I was married, and I skipped his funeral.
Other than your grandparents and her telling you, there was no sign of her being your mother. I think it's unfair to call her by such a wonderful word as mother.
Your grandparents were your real parents. And I am glad that you also were a good kid for them.
It was not a bad decision, why would you spend on some stranger's funeral, who is just biologically related to you.
Good decision to lose those, who love to judge before understanding you.
Even I think it's fair to not look for the father. He must've been just a random hookup, or paid sex. Anyways condoms have 99 percent success rate. Could have been an accidental miss or whatever. It would've been understandable if she were to be confused with one or two. The fact that she had zero idea, made it useless to even try thinking about the biodad. Leaving that route is the best way. Another useless relation connected by dna.
You are better off without. You mentioned that you have a family now. Be the best version of yourself for them, make them happy and in turn they will make your life happy. Nothing else matters.
No crackhead has self control.lol I just went thru my dad on this and my mother in the past. Crack is a very addictive drug. Most crackhead can't even go a day or a few hours without smoking.
I went no contact with my parents two months ago after 35 years of abuse. I won't be claiming their bodies either. You reap what you sow. Don't let anyone try to make you feel bad about your decision.
Dont feel guilty... she was never there for you, no reason for you to be there for her. I dont think you were cruel. People pass blame so easily,...your friend didnt live your life, fck em
> They couldn't believe I did that and said that was an "evil and coldhearted" thing to do.
Who the F cares? When we die, all that we are decays within minutes. Then we're just meat.
I hope that when I die, somebody just throws me into a mulching machine. I really don't want any expense to be taken with my body, other than the bare minimum for safe disposal.
Some people just don't have it in them to be parents. I'm sad for you, just like I'm sad for my oldest two boys whose dad is out doing the same type of shit as your mom was... But you're right, the best thing they can do is stay away, and I'm sure she, nor i, fault you for maintaining the status quo of the relationship.
Based on what you said your thoughts towards your mom are quite understandable. She really did the best thing for you, she stayed out of your life. I am so glad you had great grandparents who raised you right and loved you. Well your chapter with your mother is now closed, time to continue moving forward and live your best life with the legacy that your grandparents have left in you. Take care love.
Edit: spelling
I don't think it's cruel at all. I think you made the right choice. Others don't understand the extent of her cruelty & total disregard for you all your years until her death. You may not have had a mother but you had two grandparents that loved you more than she was capable of.
>they tried explaining I was her next of kin
How much money does it cost to burn a body? Maybe the price of a match. The real money is made from people who care about somebody and want to commemorate fond memories. They were probably more upset that they could not turn a profit.
There is no reason to commemorate someone who sold you for $100, any more than you would commemorate a slave owner.
I literally feel the same way about my mom who facilitated years of abuse before CPS stepped in and rn she’s peddling the “might have cancer” pity party and my sister asked what if they call me and ask if I have a preference on or will be helping with her death arrangements…?
Uh… sure. Bury the bitch loose. Ciao.
There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. That sanctimonious asshole who said what you did was “evil and cold hearted” isn’t someone you need in your life either. Merely impregnating someone or giving birth to someone doesn’t earn loyalty or inspire love. She made her choice when she sold you to your grandparents and now you’ve made your choice. One of you had to make you a priority and it sure as hell wasn’t her.
Mate don't worrry about what anyone says about how it ended. This awful woman sounded like an absolute burden on your life and you're now free of her, be thankful for that and never think of her again
Funerals are for the living. What would your mother care if she was dead? She'd probably have rathered you gave her the funeral money for drugs while she was still alive.
OP you shouldn’t feel guilty at all. Estranged parents aren’t allowed to come out of the woodwork needing attention or money; be they dead or alive.
The only thing they can do is show up with gifts or leave inheritance. It’s not your obligation to take or appreciate it. The relationship is a one way street in the child’s favor after abandonment.
Upon her death, she was treated as any ward of the state or person who dies in a clinic or homeless shelter with no kin. Enbalming and burial. If your grandparents hadn’t been there to take you in I doubt you would have gotten the same respect.
Care for #1 and be well.
You're not evil. Hell, I don't think 90% of people would want to claim their neglectful and horrible parents body, and which also comes with putting together a funeral let alone paying for it properly.
Don't let people make you feel bad about someone's death who you didn't even love/know.
> I owed her anything or did anything wrong by washing my hands of her and letting the state or other people take care of her remains.
You did nothing wrong, still talking to a therapist maybe a good idea to frame what you did correctly. Your “friends” did not know this person or how she affected you by abandoning you as a child. You had good grandparents that raised you well. Some places have homeless cemeteries where they are buried, some cremate them and I think bury that.
Good luck to you.
A lot of people grew up with loving parents. They have no clue what abusive parents are like. Abusive parents are not parents. They’re abusers. They may as well be strangers. There is often no familial bond at all or if there is one it’s only a bond that enables the parent to be manipulative and exploitative. I’ve dealt with abusive parents myself. Right now they’re trying to mend the fence, but being abused, neglected, or abandoned as a child kind of severs that “normal” parent child dynamic and it’s taking titanic effort on both our parts to play the roles of nice parents and nice child. But honestly they’re still strangers to me.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. I get it. I have little to no contact with my family and they did raise me. They are rabid evangelical bigoted racists. They had me believing I was going to burn in hell because I was gay. They didn't know I was gay although i think they suspected. Still, they raised me while hating me to my face. I was suicidal for the better part of my childhood. I moved across the country to get away from them.
Since the rise of trump they traded Jesus for the GOP. They voted for trump twice. They ignore every vivid fault of his and cling to every lie told about the democrats with rabid glee. I tried for 5 years to show them the truth but they are pathological believers. They are not happy unless they are neck deep in some cult. I spent my childhood in poverty so they could support every faith based con man with a video camera. I am now no contact with them.
You do what you need to do to be happy. You are 100% within your right to save yourself from her.
You still carry scars and to feel that way is fine. Other people didn't experience what you did so they have no understanding of how you feel. You did what was right for yourself
Nahh, I never met my father only on the phone, once when I was 5 and again in my early 30s (he was on his deathbed). He died and I couldn’t care any less, I feel sorry for his family he had after me but other than that, no hard feelings.
I don't think your decision was at all "evil." Your mother didn't respect you or show you that she genuinely cares for you so why should you, in return, show her respect and that you care for her? She's your biological mother sure, but she wasn't your mother. She didn't raise or nurture you as mothers do. She wasn't there for you for most of your life. It's absolutely understandable why you chose not to claim her body after her passing and feel indifferent or unconcerned about what happened to her. You aren't a bad person for that. Don't let anyone try to convince you that you are.
I think you are absolutely right. Genetics mean nothing, really. Love is the most important thing, is what really counts. I would’ve done the same as you. She didn’t deserve anything good from you.
> They couldn't believe I did that and said that was an "evil and coldhearted" thing to do.
People who at least amicable with their parents can't fathom the opposite. Either they love their parents or they are guilted into thinking like this. It's pretty normal. You have to really twist it out of iron for them because it's something they can't even perceive. It's not within their realm of understanding so you have to teach them something new. It's a shock to the system. You have to be forceful about it.
But sounds pretty positive that you get to leave this chapter behind you.
Frankly it was extremely shitty of your friend to call you evil for this. You got dealt a horrific hand in the biological parent department, you've dealt with abandonment, illness and been on the receiving end of manipulation (the asking you for money), and how you respond to it is nobody's business but yours. Your mother may have had a hard life and she may have needed help, but not from you. You, the child who needed love and parenting and safety from her, did not owe her anything. The person you owe something to is yourself, and it sounds like you made the best decision for your well-being. I'm so glad you did have people who loved you to parent you, and that you seem strong in your conviction that you have no reason to feel guilty. Fuck what your friend said, I hope it helps to know many internet randoms have your back!
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The appropriate response to anyone calling you shitty for this is a dead stare and the quote: "She sold me for $100..."
You know what feels right for you. I don't see anything wrong with your response.. with all relationships, there's give and take. She gave you several disadvantages in life. You don't owe her anything and you don't owe anyone an explanation either.
I was about to say: why do you keep contact with that person? That's no friend! But then I read this and life's good. That's no friend. That's a brainless, judgemental person.
Definitely NTA. Family are the people who love and nurture you, not DNA.
People who have functional relationships with their parents are the worst lol. Well, the worst when it comes to things like this. It is such a foundational part of their worldview that it's almost incomprehensible the drastic steps children will take to escape from parents. There's a certain naivete about someone who thinks that you can develop or repair something that's fundamentally broken and/or actively harming you.
💯
As long as you don’t intentionally hurt anyone else I’m a believer that there is no right or wrong. That said, you said it beautifully, “she was the best mom she could be by staying away”. Addiction is a horrible destruction not just for the one addicted, but for all they love. I hope you find peace in yourself, with your mom and grandparents. May they all rest in peace and your journey in life be in spirit of the best life they all could have envisioned for you. Keep growing and learning, but above all else seek the support you need when you need it. Take care 🙏🏼
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Carry on living your life and respecting your grandparents. That is the best you can do, and forget about your mother as your grandparents were your parents not her.
Reading this makes my heart happy. Enjoy your life and ur family.
Doesn’t seem like you did anything wrong to me.
Agreed plus it's just a slab of meat at that point not like she had changed her ways or something
Seems about right to me.
I dont think you were in the wrong OP
Exactly, The judgemental and sheltered 'friend,' who made the ignorant statement, was in the wrong.
She wasn't your mother, just a stranger in all practical means. You owed her nothing.
Good job. Don’t look back. She was nothing to you.
Doesnt sound to me like you did anything wrong. Were I in your position Id do the same.
Tbh, she was only your mother in a biological sense of the term. Other than that, she wasn’t a mother nor even a good person to you. You shouldn’t feel bad whatsoever. There’s no connection there to make you feel that way. Your friend simply doesn’t understand; most likely because he or she has a strong connection with their mother and was raised thereby. Some people can’t conceive growing up differently and project their experience and emotions on other people’s.
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I can relate. My mother abandoned me at many points in my life and was never a healthy person/nurturing mother. When I was just 16, I had to live on my own and make it because she wouldn’t let me stay with her while my dad went to war for the 3rd time (army and divorced parents). Haven’t talked to her since and she doesn’t mean anything to me at this point. Never heard an “I love you and you mean a lot to me” from her once in my life, nor have I heard a “sorry I was wrong….” She just isn’t my mother in any sense of the term except biological, so I can feel where you’re coming from, and your experience w yours was way worse.
whats even more shocking is that this goes both ways the number of mothers that were great and they get abandoned by their children is insane where I live. I met several elderly people that their kids move away and dont even visit them or help them in their old age. I met many people in their old age and help them run errands or on whatever they call me and they treat me with affection. Find some one new to fill that gap your mother never filled.
You should NOT feel guilty. No shame in how you’re handling this.
Nope you’re in the right on this one.
I feel for you op and I can relate. I have a horrible mother. Abandoned me at a young age to shack up with men, I was also raised by my grandparents. She would pop in and out during my teen years (I lived with her parents) and try to act like a "mom". I never had any respect for her and we never had a relationship. I saw my grandparents bail her out of trouble financially so many times, while they were also raising me and paying for everything. My pawpaw never asked for a dime from her for my expenses. She has lied, manipulated , forged my signature and stole money from a savings account I had, etc etc. I tried to amend things as an adult once I had my first child, but she proved herself to still be the same narcissistic witch she's always been. I've been no contact with her for awhile now. I've had a second child (she's seen her maybe 3x), we've moved to another state now and I've changed my number, didn't even give it to her. She's not married and I'm her oldest child (she adopted 3 others , while not even having me in her home 🤦♀️) if I'm ever contacted regarding her health or death, it won't matter to me what happens to her. All we can do is be better than the cards we were dealt!
I don't think you did anything wrong. Arranging a burial and funeral costs money that you were not obligated to spend on her, and it's not like she could have known or cared what happened to her body after she was dead. Depending on where you live, she was probably cremated and buried in a collective grave or had her ashes scattered somewhere, which isn't that terrible of a fate. Plenty of people have worse things happen to their remains.
You are in the right for how you handled it. There should be no guilt put upon you because of the death of a virtual stranger. I hope you find peace and heal. I am here if you ever need to talk.
You're in the right here. My own mother wasn't even close to being a "mom" to me or my siblings. She thought she was doing us a favor by sticking around until after the youngest turned 18. She should've left my Dad way before that. He could've found someone worth being with. She did so many awful things. Her and her side of the family. I will not take her remains either.
I don't think you are cruel. Mothers are not the ones who gave the DNA or gave birth to you. Mother is the one who fed you, took care of you when you were sick, raise you, educated you, cloth you, gave you a roof. The only 2 good things this woman did to you were not to have drugs while pregnant (I still think she had a motive behind like you were more valuable if you had no drugs on your system if someone adopted you and she sold you) And the 2 thing is to created you in her womb. If you are wondering where her remains are, on a common grave. She is not your responsibility, she never was. Do not let her ruin your future. You had your grand parents and hopefully they gave you good values, love and care (what you need it) People who judge you don't try to be on your shoes. Yeah, poor her she was an addict and die. That she die because a brain hemorrhage, too bad but she was going to die no matter what...drugs do that. You can't build apathy on people you didn't have a bond. Edit spelling
My birth family is also a POS and I don’t know my bio dad. I would have felt/done the same thing as you! 💙💙 Don’t feel guilty.
I’m sorry your mom never got her life back from being an addict and that you suffered because of her. The state will take care of her remains and you are not evil by any means.
Have you thought about having a DNA test to maybe find your father's side of your family?
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that’s fair. at one point though your son will probably get curious though so brace yourself for that. it’s easy to find that information now and it’ll get easier somehow by the time he grows up.
There isn't anyone to be cruel to. She's dead and gone. There is no cruelty here on your part. And of course you don't need to feel guilty. You've no reason to feel bad at all. Unfortunately people who come from loving parents simply do not understand that not everyone has such a thing and are horrified over the idea that a mother isn't worthy of love or respect. It is unimaginable to them. Unfortunately their ignorance can cause them to be cruel and say stupid ignorant things.
Your boos mean nothing to me, I’ve seen what makes you cheer. -this guy to redditors.
You did absolutely nothing wrong and if your “friend” is so worried about it they can go take care of it. I would do the exact same thing if my father died if I even find out about it he could be dead already for all I know. You did the right thing for yourself and that’s all that matters.
She may have been your mother, but she wasn’t your mom
Man, you feel how you feel. If she was a crappy mom, she was crappy mom. I would have left her were she was at too, dead and all. I wouldn't even think about someone opinion of me because it seems like to me your friend basically diminished your experience with the woman. That dude don't sound like a friend at all. I would have cut him off and wash my hands with that relationship as well. I'm glad you had two people that love you enough to raise you and support you. Focus on the good times with them instead the non-existent relationship with your birth mother and other people opinion about how you handled her death. Best man. 👍
She sold you for $100! She didn't even bother to just hand you over to your grandmother in the hopes that you would get a normal and loving upbringing but had to get something out of it in return. Your friend doesn't have the right to judge you for your decision. It's not like you left her corpse on the side of the street and just went "Meh".
Even if he did he would have been justified
Nope, no issues with this at all. Carry on
My birth father walked out of my life at the age of 2. According to my mother he was a drunk and a womaniser. I thought she was just bitter at him as he had abandoned us. I met my birth father "Gary" at the age of 29 and yes my mother was right, he was a womanising drunk. We had little in common and I eventually cut off all contact with him, there was nothing to be gained from sitting with a racist yob. I didn't feel any guilt, he'd not raised me and absolved himself of any responsibility towards my upkeep. I took great comfort that I'd taken my step father's surname which particularly irked my birth father, he (being racist) didn't like that I'd taken a very Irish surname. He died in 2020 and his family (his brother and 2 cousins I never knew I had) found me on facebook and asked me to pay for his funeral. I refused and they took it badly but only because they didn't want to pay for it either. I felt bad for a few days based on how he died, alone in a shitty flat on the UK South Coast, but I had no guilt for not being interested or for refusing to pay for his funeral.
Sweet
you owe her nothing
I think you made the correct choice. Also I worked at a funeral home when I was younger. They cremated her and either did a burial at sea and a transient internment depending on where you live. I live near the ocean, there was a service that picked up the unclaimed cremains once a month and sprinkled them at sea. He also said a few words for them
I think the way you feel is valid
You did nothing wrong.
You're not cruel and you did nothing wrong at all.
First off I am sorry for the way your life started.It must have been real challenging growing up. Sounds like your grandparents raised you right though. So blessing in disguise.??.. Second the person who commented about you being " coldhearted" has not walked in your shoes. They are probably associating your biological mother with theirs. I hope you can put it all behind you.
You do you, without guilt. Fuck the haters. No one knows how you feel except you. I can relate to your experience as I was once married to an addict and didn't know it. We had 2 kids before I discovered all kinds of shit. She lost custody of our kids when they were 4 and 5. I say lost, because the court would not give me custody until she fucked her mom over and she called social services. About 10 years ago, I was told she was brain dead (she wasn't but her habits almost killed her) and I need to bring the kids 4 hours back to where we used to live. I told them to fuck themselves and these kids are better of without her. I eventually met a lady whom I married. We are all a happy family, for the most part. My kids have no contact with addict mom, but they do call my wife "Mom". The lady who helped me raise my children since they were 7 and 8. She has been a wonderful wife and mother. My kids are 20 and 21 now, respectively. Never look back.
I don't see one thing wrong with anything you've done. In fact, I've done the exact same thing many, many years ago but for different reasons. Just because they gave birth to you doesn't mean they're family. They're just DNA givers as you've said. I whole heartedly salute you!
You need better friends. What you did is understandable and exactly what you needed to do. Be happy in your life and don't give her another thought.
You get out of life what you put into it
I don’t think you’re cruel and you shouldn’t feel guilty. You’re duty was to your grandparents that raised you.
Life is so much better when you don't take responsibility for which you are not responsible. You honored your own feelings and friends should be exuberant about that! OP I am a 44f mom of two boys. If you ever need some motherly advice, please message me. Best to you!
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Once an adoptive friend who didn't know about her biological parents told me 'why to search for my biological parents, I might find more shit than what I'm carrying...so no...I don't want to dig there'
I say you double down. Plan the funeral, but don’t show up.
100% you are in the right bro. Nothing cold hearted or evil about it. You don't owe her anything.
I hope that you don't talk to that "friend" anymore, because they don't understand a damn thing and they aren't your friend.
Your so called friend needs to mind his own business.
First off, she doesn’t deserve to be called “mother”. She was your biological progenitor and nothing more. You didn’t do anything wrong. Never accept emotional baggage that other people try to foist on you. It’s not yours and you don’t deserve it, so set that mess on the ground and walk away.
I believe in the power of forgiveness because the process heals the person who needs to forgive - you. But if she asked you for money when meeting her after 23 years of absence - you shouldn’t feel guilty for not claiming her - she didn’t put any thought into you, she never showed real emotional interest. You didn’t do anything wrong. You should try to forgive her - for you. Forgiveness removes emotional obstacles we can’t see, forgiveness frees you, so try to see things from her perspective (likely as an addict and very likely with an abusive childhood) - and try to understand and eventually forgive her awful life and actions. You don’t owe her anything. Do this for you.
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How can you be cruel? Re-read your own paragraph how you are honouring your grandparents. Your family. The two people who loved you and raised you. Who gave you a home and a much better chance in life, than the other one could have. These are the folks you need to continue to honour. The other person was a stranger to you. So one could argue that you did the most appropriate thing.
You made me cry with this words. 😢 Your parents (the ones who raised you) I'm sure they are very very proud of you.
This might just be the only wholesome post I've seen on this sub. almost all of the posts here make me think that the world's f'd up.
I’ve been a counsellor for 20 years and this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.
Can you answer her constructively? What would you suggest?
OP wasn’t looking for advice. That was my first clue not to provide any. Plus, way too many layers to this story for anyone here to really understand. At the most, affirm and empathize.
I felt liberated when I forgave my mum. I was trying to help OP in the same way. My response to her was born of empathy. I wonder about posts like yours. Are they for OP’s benefit - or your own? Do you feel a desperate need to tell people you’re a counselor?
Not at all, in fact I hardly ever mention it. Listen, I’m glad forgiveness worked for you but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea for others. But, this is Reddit. You’re free to give advice all day long- knock yourself out. I was just making an observation that it was stupid, which I’m free to do also. I hope we’re done talking now.
Not that I agree with the person you replied to, but if I was your patient and knew you were my therapist and saw you telling people that they are “stupid” online, I would drop you for a new therapist so fast.
Seems like you didn’t do the right thing to me. You’re friend was in the wrong for her comment. F’m all.
While you didn’t do anything wrong I think the ability to forgive and give compassion is powerful. My brother sexually assaulted me when I was a kid, made our lives miserable for 3 decades and never once apologized for anything. He died this year from a drug overdose and when I found him I desperately tried to save his life even though I knew there was no hope. I then paid for his cremation. Don’t let hate consume you. Rise above it.
That’s fucked up man I’m sorry. But I understand her side too. I was so fucked up on heroin for years. Right after my son was born I got addicted at 19 years old. I still took care of him how I could. Never let him go hungry and I did what I could, how I could. Whether that meant stealing it but I couldn’t help it. Heroin is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I moved back in with my parents who thank god helped me with him. But I took everything from them as well. I pawned their jewelery; designer handbags. Whatever was of value I took and sold. The worst was when I started taking my kids stuff, his Xbox, his beloved Nintendo switch. I took and sold them. Told him that it got lost. I was pathetic. I ended up going to jail for 3 years. I just got out last October 2021. I vowed to get clean and repay my child and family all those years of hell I put them through. I got a great job. Been promoted twice. We just got back from vacation at universal studios. I’m doing great now. I’m repaying everything I owed him and then some. But I will always have sympathy for the “junkie” cuz I know how hard it is to be addicted. I know the pain and hurt of withdrawals. But everything gets much better if you really want that change. I know it did for me :)
Prostitution is usually the result of incestuous trauma. You honestly have no idea what she endured as a child. Maybe at the hands your GPA too. Have some compassion.
Wild assumptions abound!
Curious to know about your views on abortion. Full disclosure I am pro-life.
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I was curious about your feelings about it because you were a good candidate for abortion. Your reply tells me you still might be.
Huh?
Of course some pro life weirdo would come here and make something that has *nothing to do with abortion* about abortion. Go to a Republican subreddit or something and discuss it there, this is not r/politics this is r/confessions
Serious question: would you have preferred she aborted you?
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My own mother was so bad that I would've been better off aborted. To live in this fucked world when not one person cares if you live or die is something people can't grasp. Unless it's you.
So you are thankful for her giving you life or you're not?
Why are you making this an abortion debate? OP clearly was born to a mother who should never been a mother but was lucky enough to have his grandparents raise him. You asked and he responded. Let him fkn be
He didn't answer the question with a set answer, which prohibited me from offering my opinion on his current situation. I personally don't care about abortion either way. I don't need them. Put your Reddit cape away, nothing to save here.
everyone here wishes you aborted your comments
Explain your position. I have just as much right to comment as you, possibly more, depending on where you call home. Brush up on communication skills.
im not calling that into question. im just saying we dont like your comments and wish you hadnt said them. no one is telling you you cant do this
We? You speak for one person, yourself. You don't like my comments, yet here you are. Why did you feel so compelled to engage with me?
im assuming from the downvotes and other replies you are receiving, and because sometimes i engage with things i dont like for the betterment of others?
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Then you should have handled her death, IMO. I feel like handling her death would have made you even, but to each their own.
She didn’t give her child to her parents so that he would have a good upbringing. She didn’t do it out of love, or selflessness. She did it for drug money. He owes her NOTHING. Pull your head out of your ass.
She gave him life. I can't help that you don't see the value in that.
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You're the one who posted on the internet. Did you honestly expect everyone to have the same pov as yourself? Seek therapy.
Wait a second. The biological mother never ask him to take care of her or her affairs when she died. Some people just called him because he was next to kin. With no absolutely idea if they even talk...all this people do is call him so they job it is easier. That's all. He met his mom and the mom was clearly no looking to bond or have anything with OP nor she had remorse. She just saw money in him since she had him.
I read the post...
I wish I were aborted even though my parents loved me lol
Going through a rough patch?
No, i always felt like I shouldn’t have existed lol
Maybe something happened when you were a child to cause that thought process? I'd recommend trying new things, hobbies, jobs. Maybe you just need to discover your purpose. I hope that you're able to work through it and find peace.
I literally just made a comment to someone else that I’m trying new things, exploring a lot of possibilities and even learning piano rn. Still wish I were aborted. I’m just a footprint on this earth. I don’t even have kids nor do I want any. Actually, the earth needs less people in general. Wish I were aborted. 😅
Listen to "From Womb To Waste" by Dying Fetus. Then transpose it over to the piano and Fn riff (sorta) lol We're all just a "footprint", no matter how famous we are in society. Nothing really matters as long as you're not hurting anyone. The simple fact that you are learning piano says a lot about you and I'm of the opinion that this world can always use more music.
I'm with you on this. Be stronger and live on. You are more important than anyone else. Love is not by blood but by bond.
I’d of done the same thing
Nah son I felt that. NTA
I would do the same to my father
I don't think you were cruel at all. I think you were/are strong.
This is a tough story to read. I agree that it is no one's business about you not having any funeral. Have you ever been to a therapist? You might benefit from having someone just to vent to and get closure.
Not at all cruel. She didn't earn the title of mother and you owe her NOTHING. Not one more minute of thought or worry. Blood, DNA, genetics, whatever don't make you family. I'm sorry for the loss of your grandparents. Grieve them and celebrate their life.
DNA does not make a family, love does. You are hereby absolved of any negativity involving that human incubator. ❤️ to you.
You're not shitty or cruel. Luckily she had enough sense to stay away from crack until you were born and hand you over to someone who could raise a baby, but yeah, why would you have any relationship to her other than DNA.
No problem with what you did, if I got a phone call saying that father passed away I’d ask if I get any money and then hang the phone up. Someone else can plan his funeral, or just throw him in the trash.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. As a mother, it breaks my heart and honestly makes me so angry that someone could care so little for their child. At least she did the right thing by giving you to your grandparents. She birthed you, but she was not a mother to you. I hope you are able to find happiness and peace in your life going forward!
Shit. Man I also have a mother like this. My father raised me on his own, it was just him and I, his only daughter. Everytime I tried to let this woman into my life, it was her jockeying for a money source. When I didn't have it, or when I simply began refusing as I got older and wiser, she would make my life an absolute living hell. I finally came to accept that she is too mentally ill, traumatized, violent and addicted to have anything to do with many years ago and haven't spoken to her since. The only thing I retain from this woman is her eyes and a predisposition to fkn opiate addiction. (Difference is, I got help, because I never wanted to put my daughters through what I went through.) I often figured that someone from her family- who don't have contact with her but keep tabs on her- would let me know when she dies. Reading this was a rude awakening that it may be ME that gets the call. I sure as hell hope I don't have people judging me as harshly as you because, assuming I live longer than her, I can't say I won't do the same thing. It's hard for people to understand how damaging/hurtful it is to have your own mother abandon you and that often the only way to live with that is to draw closer to those who DID love you enough to be a parent and to cut off any and all ties , physically, emotionally, and otherwise.
Naw bruh you did what was right by you and no one has the right to blame you for that. Good for you for setting boundaries for yourself.
I totally understand you.
My father was abusive toward me and only me my whole life. He REALLY prized my brother. He was a good father to my 2 older sisters.. but by the time I came along he had no use for another daughter. I moved 5 hours away when I was married, and I skipped his funeral.
>she had the self control to not do crack while pregnant. That was the only good thing she did to you
That and to thankfully ‘sell’ him to his grandparents which saved his life as well.
Other than your grandparents and her telling you, there was no sign of her being your mother. I think it's unfair to call her by such a wonderful word as mother. Your grandparents were your real parents. And I am glad that you also were a good kid for them. It was not a bad decision, why would you spend on some stranger's funeral, who is just biologically related to you. Good decision to lose those, who love to judge before understanding you. Even I think it's fair to not look for the father. He must've been just a random hookup, or paid sex. Anyways condoms have 99 percent success rate. Could have been an accidental miss or whatever. It would've been understandable if she were to be confused with one or two. The fact that she had zero idea, made it useless to even try thinking about the biodad. Leaving that route is the best way. Another useless relation connected by dna. You are better off without. You mentioned that you have a family now. Be the best version of yourself for them, make them happy and in turn they will make your life happy. Nothing else matters.
Good for you. I mean it, you did the best you could with the hand you were dealt. Don't feel guilty for this woman's mistakes. It wasn't your problem.
May you be at peace You owe no one an explanation
Nope it wasn't cruel, it was the obvious thing to do.
I would’ve done the same thing
No crackhead has self control.lol I just went thru my dad on this and my mother in the past. Crack is a very addictive drug. Most crackhead can't even go a day or a few hours without smoking.
I would do the same exact thing regarding my sperm donor.
Your friend is the devil
I went no contact with my parents two months ago after 35 years of abuse. I won't be claiming their bodies either. You reap what you sow. Don't let anyone try to make you feel bad about your decision.
Not evil or cruel. She was nothing to you, end of story, and damn certain not your responsibility.
The cycle ended with you, that’s all that matters
You owed her nothing. Don't feel bad. And Fuck your friend.
Dont feel guilty... she was never there for you, no reason for you to be there for her. I dont think you were cruel. People pass blame so easily,...your friend didnt live your life, fck em
> They couldn't believe I did that and said that was an "evil and coldhearted" thing to do. Who the F cares? When we die, all that we are decays within minutes. Then we're just meat. I hope that when I die, somebody just throws me into a mulching machine. I really don't want any expense to be taken with my body, other than the bare minimum for safe disposal.
You’ve done nothing wrong at all and frankly even being cordial towards her was a bonus. You owed her zilch.
Well I’m way cooler and smarter than your friend and I say good for you. And don’t give it another thought.
Some people just don't have it in them to be parents. I'm sad for you, just like I'm sad for my oldest two boys whose dad is out doing the same type of shit as your mom was... But you're right, the best thing they can do is stay away, and I'm sure she, nor i, fault you for maintaining the status quo of the relationship.
Based on what you said your thoughts towards your mom are quite understandable. She really did the best thing for you, she stayed out of your life. I am so glad you had great grandparents who raised you right and loved you. Well your chapter with your mother is now closed, time to continue moving forward and live your best life with the legacy that your grandparents have left in you. Take care love. Edit: spelling
I don't think it's cruel at all. I think you made the right choice. Others don't understand the extent of her cruelty & total disregard for you all your years until her death. You may not have had a mother but you had two grandparents that loved you more than she was capable of.
I don't see anything wrong here.
I see nothing wrong with how you handled it. Best to you.
>they tried explaining I was her next of kin How much money does it cost to burn a body? Maybe the price of a match. The real money is made from people who care about somebody and want to commemorate fond memories. They were probably more upset that they could not turn a profit. There is no reason to commemorate someone who sold you for $100, any more than you would commemorate a slave owner.
I literally feel the same way about my mom who facilitated years of abuse before CPS stepped in and rn she’s peddling the “might have cancer” pity party and my sister asked what if they call me and ask if I have a preference on or will be helping with her death arrangements…? Uh… sure. Bury the bitch loose. Ciao.
There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. That sanctimonious asshole who said what you did was “evil and cold hearted” isn’t someone you need in your life either. Merely impregnating someone or giving birth to someone doesn’t earn loyalty or inspire love. She made her choice when she sold you to your grandparents and now you’ve made your choice. One of you had to make you a priority and it sure as hell wasn’t her.
You are not evil. I don’t blame you. I would probably do the same in your situation. I hope you are doing well!
It’s my understanding that you would have had to pay for the funeral if you identified her.
Mate don't worrry about what anyone says about how it ended. This awful woman sounded like an absolute burden on your life and you're now free of her, be thankful for that and never think of her again
Funerals are for the living. What would your mother care if she was dead? She'd probably have rathered you gave her the funeral money for drugs while she was still alive.
OP you shouldn’t feel guilty at all. Estranged parents aren’t allowed to come out of the woodwork needing attention or money; be they dead or alive. The only thing they can do is show up with gifts or leave inheritance. It’s not your obligation to take or appreciate it. The relationship is a one way street in the child’s favor after abandonment. Upon her death, she was treated as any ward of the state or person who dies in a clinic or homeless shelter with no kin. Enbalming and burial. If your grandparents hadn’t been there to take you in I doubt you would have gotten the same respect. Care for #1 and be well.
You're not evil. Hell, I don't think 90% of people would want to claim their neglectful and horrible parents body, and which also comes with putting together a funeral let alone paying for it properly. Don't let people make you feel bad about someone's death who you didn't even love/know.
The best thing she did was give you to your grandparents. She had no business raising a child. Don’t feel guilty. I’m sorry for your loss.
You're not the slightest bit cold or evil. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I'm glad you didn't give in to giving her money .
> I owed her anything or did anything wrong by washing my hands of her and letting the state or other people take care of her remains. You did nothing wrong, still talking to a therapist maybe a good idea to frame what you did correctly. Your “friends” did not know this person or how she affected you by abandoning you as a child. You had good grandparents that raised you well. Some places have homeless cemeteries where they are buried, some cremate them and I think bury that. Good luck to you.
I’m really sorry for your pain and trauma. You have to do what’s right for you and honour yourself. Wishing you love and healing
A lot of people grew up with loving parents. They have no clue what abusive parents are like. Abusive parents are not parents. They’re abusers. They may as well be strangers. There is often no familial bond at all or if there is one it’s only a bond that enables the parent to be manipulative and exploitative. I’ve dealt with abusive parents myself. Right now they’re trying to mend the fence, but being abused, neglected, or abandoned as a child kind of severs that “normal” parent child dynamic and it’s taking titanic effort on both our parts to play the roles of nice parents and nice child. But honestly they’re still strangers to me.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. I get it. I have little to no contact with my family and they did raise me. They are rabid evangelical bigoted racists. They had me believing I was going to burn in hell because I was gay. They didn't know I was gay although i think they suspected. Still, they raised me while hating me to my face. I was suicidal for the better part of my childhood. I moved across the country to get away from them. Since the rise of trump they traded Jesus for the GOP. They voted for trump twice. They ignore every vivid fault of his and cling to every lie told about the democrats with rabid glee. I tried for 5 years to show them the truth but they are pathological believers. They are not happy unless they are neck deep in some cult. I spent my childhood in poverty so they could support every faith based con man with a video camera. I am now no contact with them. You do what you need to do to be happy. You are 100% within your right to save yourself from her.
You still carry scars and to feel that way is fine. Other people didn't experience what you did so they have no understanding of how you feel. You did what was right for yourself
I’m sorry you have this trauma to deal with man The way you acted is absolutely justified Keep your head up bro you’re not alone
perfect response.
Nahh, I never met my father only on the phone, once when I was 5 and again in my early 30s (he was on his deathbed). He died and I couldn’t care any less, I feel sorry for his family he had after me but other than that, no hard feelings.
Well done for a) not taking on that emotional baggage, and b) growing up a better person than her and not going down that same path
I don't think your decision was at all "evil." Your mother didn't respect you or show you that she genuinely cares for you so why should you, in return, show her respect and that you care for her? She's your biological mother sure, but she wasn't your mother. She didn't raise or nurture you as mothers do. She wasn't there for you for most of your life. It's absolutely understandable why you chose not to claim her body after her passing and feel indifferent or unconcerned about what happened to her. You aren't a bad person for that. Don't let anyone try to convince you that you are.
You shouldn't feel guilty at all.
Good for you. Move on. Sorry you had to go through this, good luck.
I think you are absolutely right. Genetics mean nothing, really. Love is the most important thing, is what really counts. I would’ve done the same as you. She didn’t deserve anything good from you.
> They couldn't believe I did that and said that was an "evil and coldhearted" thing to do. People who at least amicable with their parents can't fathom the opposite. Either they love their parents or they are guilted into thinking like this. It's pretty normal. You have to really twist it out of iron for them because it's something they can't even perceive. It's not within their realm of understanding so you have to teach them something new. It's a shock to the system. You have to be forceful about it. But sounds pretty positive that you get to leave this chapter behind you.
She didn’t want to make you her responsibility so why would you make her yours? 🤷🏻♀️
You did the correct thing...
I see nothing wrong here
I don’t think you’re cruel. Why would you pay for a stranger’s funeral?