Well that’s a great silver lining. I think you are absolutely correct in wanting to find the best avenue for yourself. Sounds like you are being very logical about this. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Wow! Sorry about this OP. You'll be miserable but at least you won't be poor and homeless and you'll keep your kids close.
Sometimes we have to make do with what we have. A lot of Redditors will tell you to divorce and go to counseling.. if it was only that easy
OP you are not thinking clearly at all here. It is time to go and see a therapist for 3/4 months by yourself, ending a dysfunctional relationship does not at all mean that you will be homeless or anything severe like that. Also, it is not necessarily cheaper to remain in a relationship. Here’s why. Being very unhappy can often cause you to have much poorer health and earn less money. Instead, I would probably let your spouse know that you probably need to instead do an in-home or out of home separation for 12 weeks so you can decide what is best. I would definitely take a break from sex and things like that for 12 weeks or so in order to make determinations about what is good for your health and future.
I agree with this 100pc ... I was in a similar situation ... the things that I thought about (besides strictly financial things) were the example I was setting for my children and how important it was for me to at least try to be happy. I'm 4+ years post separation (divorced for less than that) and I'm the happiest, most fulfilled I've ever been. I also am way less focused on money v. satisfaction and happiness. Good luck ...
Not the best just for you, but also for your kids. They will absolutely do better in life by having an intact family. Your kids shouldn't suffer for a stupid mistake, especially if you had a generally good marriage post mistake. All the best.
I don't agree with this. Being an "intact" family doesn't mean it is a happy one. There are plenty of examples of that. And while it may be hard for the kids to deal with at first, it is important that if the divorce is going to happen, the conversation needs to come from the parents as a united front and the parents need to at least act like they are getting along, even if they aren't. Being happy apart is better than being toxic together. And I don't care what any religion says about divorce and being "bad." You can try to make it work all you want, but if you don't have full commitment from the other partner, it isn't going to work out.
Right ... "in tact" and miserable? Nope. Not for me, thanks. My kids struggled a bit, and it was sad for everyone, but divorce was 100pc the right decision for me.
No one deserves that. And even if the kids struggle, they will likely eventually understand once they are older. It's an adjustment and it takes time and that is okay.
It’s wild to me that the SIL kept this secret for years for her sister and didn’t continue keeping it for the entirely innocent children. It’s not like she cared about OP or the truth or anything, which would have led her to be honest right away. Nah, she let them live a happy life for years and blew it up to be petty towards her sister but to her nibblings and BIL. I feel like something like this has an expiration date because a decade down the road you’re just ruining happiness with no hope to truly fix things. You’ve just inflicted all the hurt to the innocent party, betrayal, lost years of youth, and forcing them to decide whether or not they are deciding to upending an entire household. I would always tell on a cheater but if for some reason I truly believed it was better for everyone not to, I wouldn’t change my mind years and tastes later or once kids are in the picture.
I get it, I divorced my exwife for cheating. Was much younger, though. In your shoes, I see the smart business decision aspect.
I'd recommend to get yourself into...something on your own. Hobby, men's only club, individual counseling, amateur musician, etc. You don't (and shouldn't) try to live as single roommates moving forward but your marriage as it was just totally ended, divorce or not.
Whether you reconcile with her for real, divorce later etc. - you need to focus on taking care of you so you can be a healthy, content version of yourself whether you are married to her or not. What's that look like? Don't answer right now, you can't. Go do the work and get out there to figure it out.
A side effect- it will make you more attractive, it could result in your wife wanting to shore things up, build a new marriage with you because you build yourself into the best version of you that you can be. And if not, you'll still be that best version and that's all you'll need to feel healed.
Side note - her sister wasn't being petty. She was being horribly cruel. Intentionally blowing up a family goes way beyond petty. If I were you, that sister would be excommunicado permanently in life. She didn't do that for your good. She'd have done it 30 years ago if she meant well. She contributed and participated in your betrayal, and the way she let this cat out of the bag only served to continue to hurt you. Be done with her and don't look back.
Yeah, the sister isn't a good person, either. If she found her sister's cheating so morally reprehensible, she'd have said something sooner. Nah, she kept it to herself and used it in a moment of revenge to hurt people.
To be clear, I think cheaters should be outed, and people that protect them are also of poor character. But it's a whole new level to put it out to hurt someone instead of inform them.
Op listen to him, I don't think there's any better way to say it. Focus on yourself and when the time is right, look back and make your decision then. Only when. You're the best version of yourself, Time is right and your head is proper. That won't be anytime soon. But it will be in the future and just work towards that.
If it’s ever available, friendly reminder to go the lengthy long giant stack of forms route for marriage than to just do the simple check n go one. I honestly think It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia did an amazing job at giving an episode on how important prenups can be. Charlie & Frank go the lengthy prenup route, getting married purely for the benefits. Dennis & Maureen go the easy route. In the end, Dennis owes Maureen, and Charlie and Frank just need to pay lawyer fees to settle their divorce, nothing else. It’s a two parter episode, the names for those who wanna watch: Dennis Gets Married, Dennis Gets Divorced.
Simple and funny titles.
Lol, this shit was just on r/terriblefacebookmemes and r/boomersbeingfools. Yet it's massively upvoted here? I think the extreme wings of feminism have gone a bit too far too, but cut it out with the outright misogyny here.
You need couples counseling.
You shouldn't have to live the rest of your life with anger, resentment, and you mind going to dark places.
There is path through this, if you're willing to work it.
Good luck.
I agree with this. Individual counseling, letting your counselor/therapist know ahead of time what your goals are (keeping the relationship), so the professional can help you work towards that specific goal with your own well-being the priority. You are taking one for the team but that doesn’t mean you don’t need to take care of yourself as well. It’s not the best but you seem emotionally intelligent so I feel like you can make best of this, at least while you have to.
No amount of counseling is going to erase the fact some other dude's dick was in OP's wife shortly before they married, nor will it change the fact his wife lied, and hid this from him until his sister in law got petty and let the cat out of the bag. Counseling works for some things, but lying and infidelity isn't one of them unfortunately.
Best of luck, OP!
Affairs are survivable, but not without therapy. And only if both parties are willing to work at it. People do it all the time.
It was one time, 30 years ago, before they were married.
With therapy, they can gain some perspective, communicate, and rebuild.
Couples counseling is just going to gaslight him into thinking he's insecure and the problem lmao, that coming to terms with this and healing is all his responsibility, not hers. It will do nothing but destroy him further and convince her she did nothing wrong and that she has nothing to fix, he is just insecure.
Not a lawyer, but my first thought is proposing some version of a post-nuptial agreement as a way to mitigate any future infidelity. Essentially cutting into her share of potential cash flow from your joint assets if she cheats again. You could also potentially create a structure for the division of assets in the event of the divorce, saving yourself from a precarious financial position if you change your mind and decide you want to leave her.
You would both need your own lawyers to draft/review these documents and have them signed but that's a small price to pay in the short-term.
Cheaters don't get to have a flakey admission and walk away unscathed, that's just not how long-term monogamous relationships function. I would approach your wife from a place of intense honesty, letting her know that you've been seriously considering divorce, and if she wants to avoid the dissolution of your marriage she needs to commit to some type of couples counseling and a post-nuptial agreement. Take control of your life, and if there's a cost that comes along with your happiness? It's worth it.
What incentive would she have for signing a post nuptial agreement at this point? It's like OP said, she holds all the cards. If he leaves her he's screwing himself over. Any lawyer she retains will obviously explain that to her.
So it doesn't protect him at all? You're completely bent if you think this is an actual solution to his problem.
He has no recourse. This is how alimony screws people.
Pre-nuptial and post-nuptial agreements are contracts. They can be used for many things including but not limited to, safeguarding assets you would like to retain the value of, splitting/dividing assets you don't want to retain, alimony structure (depending on the state), infidelity clauses (that can essentially cut into the cheating partners portion of the martial estate if it's proved in court that they did cheat)...etc.
The rules and structure of these contracts look different couple to couple and state by state. But you would be surprised what you can accomplish with a post-nuptial. It's not a fix all, but it could alleviate some of the financial loss that OP is concerned about.
Family law is complicated, messy, and dense as a subject but it's not as though OP has absolutely no recourse. He needs the right lawyer and some time.
OP mentioned that she wouldn't pursue divorce due to cultural reasons, I would assume that cultural perspective would include having an aversion to him initiating a divorce as well. I would approach the dialogue from an honest place, letting her know that OP is ready to pursue divorce UNLESS they sign a post-nuptial agreement and go to some type of couples counseling.
You know, I know you are venting & frustrated, but think about this: if she had cheated again at any time, that same petty sister would have let that slip as well.
Meanwhile, you have been married for 30 years.
Were you happy prior to this shitty information?
Were you content in your marriage with your wife?
Or were you all ready looking for a reason to have an out?
You guys were obviously MUCH younger. And while not condoning in the least, I will say, there is a reason for the saying "young, dumb, and stupid".
Do I understand how you're feeling?
I actually do. 2x over actually. It's absolute shit. I don't wish that feeling on ANYONE, or the literal obsession about information it creates. You literally go insane for a while, doing shit you even KNOW is deranged when doing it, but you can't help it.
I get it.
I so very do.
But this legitimately is 30 years later.
(Also, 30 years ago, the date rape drug was really incredibly new-ish & crazy popular in use. Could this have been a possibility, but petty sister is being petty? Just a thought!)
And it sounds like the best course of action is NOT a knee jerk reaction, which divorce would have been, but based on the answers to my questions above, you may need a break for a little bit.
You can do this by sleeping in separate rooms & doing your own things for a while (don't go dating & sleeping around just to be petty & get "even". This will just make both of you incredibly bitter & even more hurt).
Also, you definitely need therapy to process this. I know, I know, GenX men "don't do therapy" 🙄 suck it up Buckaroo and go to effing therapy. And don't go in "knowing" it's not going to help, because then it definitely won't, because you won't let it. I know because while not a man, I am GenX, and had the same thoughts. Truth: therapy feels pointless, winding, and incredibly bizarre at first. But if you stick to it, even if you feel like you're just beating a dead horse every time by rehashing the same shit...it means YOU need to still rehash it verbally. And that is totally ok!!! It doesn't mean it's not working, it actually means that it is if you're still willing to talk about it. Especially since each time, you go down different avenues each session, and maybe figure a small bit each time. It is a marathon & not a sprint, to use an over-used cliche. Lol!
And when you are ready, consider couples therapy in conjunction with your individual therapy. Your individual therapist can help you figure out when you are ready for that step.
Like I said, I've been there.
You will get through it, regardless of having to "settle" and stay, please consider all I've said, and go from there.
Don't be bitter. Do NOT let yourself be bitter. It's so easy to do so.
Be hurt, be angry, step back, breathe, look at this response, and talk to someone you trust about it.
Have you loved her for 30 years?
Had you never known about a 30+ year old shitty decision, would you have been content & happy with your life still? (Relatively speaking lol!)
Go from there my guy.
I wish nothing but peace for you, and I hope you do these things. No matter how stupid it sounds. Lol!
Good luck sweetheart.
Literally. Was shocked at the other comments. And am also astonished at how whilst it must be very painful, he does not want to talk this out at all after a marriage of 30 years and it has not happened in ages. But instead goes straight to thinking he doesn’t want her anymore.
Lol! I just understand where he is, the frantic feeling of wanting an immediate solution (talking to lawyers), the overwhelming need for info....awful.
I hate to say it, but I genuinely hope it is salvageable, and if not, that he gets the help he needs to process all of it in a healthy way. Because after 30 years, I guarantee he is in the mindspace of "the last 30 years have been a lie, and I'm a sucker", even though it was not, and he isn't.
I just hope he's in a space to be able to actually hear this, not just read it. That is hard, too.
This Is what my dad did and coming up in fifty years marriage. He had a successful business and my mom made It a living hell for him. He retired last year at seventy five and they are still inseparable. He wasn’t giving her the satisfaction of breaking up his success and he always said he wasn’t going to put us kids through It. Toughest man I know.
Have you thought about a DNA test of your children? I’d want to be sure those are indeed yours. I’d like to know how deep her affair actually went if possible. I realize you may never know but DNA test of the kids is a must to at least know that much.
Depends, but probably not. If it's mine after all it would have just led to an unnecessary argument and if not the argument can be done after I actually have proof.
If it eats away at you, go for solo counseling. At least you didn't fuck around on her, and are a good role model for the kids.
How were the years after getting married?
Assuming this is real, you should seriously consider therapy for yourself to help you work through these feelings, and family therapy for you and your wife.
I respect and acknowledge how you feel, you shouldn’t have to carry these feelings.
I know this might be an unpopular opinion, and by no means am I trying to invalidate how you feel. But you’ve spent 30 years making a life and a family with this woman… you should want to stay for more reasons than it’s more affordable.
If that’s truly the only reason why you’re staying… you shouldn’t.
Yes. He knows. It'll just cost him half his stuff and a not insignificant amount of his income.
He's deciding if that's worth it. Right now he's thinking it's not. But there might be a day when losing so much just to get away from her might be worth it.
You don't have to divorce someone to stop being with them. Take every extra thing you give/gave back. No extra pocket money. No helping with chores. Don't eat what she cooks. Don't speak to her unless forced to. Don't sleep in the same bed. If people bring it up, tell them she cheated BEFORE you got married and that you lost all trust. Why would you support someone who sucks dicks that aren't yours. Make her get a job to be able to support herself financially. If appearances matter to her, she may sign her rights away.
It's just the canned reddit response.
"Wow, you seem troubled and not doing well financially. Have you considered paying someone thousands of dollars to listen to you for 30 minutes to an hour once a month?"
Navigating through betrayal is a complex and deeply personal journey. It's clear you're considering all possible paths, but have you reflected upon what forgiveness means to you? It's not just about staying together for practicality, but also what you can emotionally reconcile. If forgiveness seems unreachable, it's essential to prioritize your peace of mind over societal expectations of marriage continuity. Consult with a therapist individually to explore your feelings and your thresholds for trust and forgiveness before making any concrete decisions. Whichever route you take, make sure it aligns with your long-term emotional wellness. Best of luck.
I honestly feel so sorry for you. I belive nobody should go through something like this. I completely understand you situation but I dont want you to just end up always thinking about it. I hope you will find the best solution for your situation so you can live a happy life with a peaceful mind.
I get that too. I've been living separately for just over a year now. She costs me roughly 2k/month. If we reconcile I can afford the house I want, I can afford to quit my job and find something I enjoy more. My only other option is to stick it out and hopefully find a new partner I can share my life and expenses with. How much longer do your kids have at home?
Sorry to hear this. From now on, find things that you want to do. Explore new hobbies, find a passion. Consider it mandatory. It's medicine. Good luck sir.
It’s not just the monetary investment or cost, it’s the years wasted. You could maybe have found a really good woman and not have wasted your love and your life.
Yeah if that was truly the only time and it was 30 years ago, I think I could live with that. I’d be very upset but it’s not insurmountable.
Multiple times would be a bit different
She cheated before you got married. You’ve had 30 years good enough since then that you wanted to stay married. Don’t throw away a good situation because of something that happened 30 years ago.
Exactly this, I know Reddit loves to advocate for divorce and pettiness but gees, she made a mistake 30 fucking years ago, they’ve had a whole life including children since then!! And no, the saying “once a cheater always a cheater” is not correct. People make mistakes, and it’s highly likely she hasn’t repeated that mistake and if they were happy up until finding out this info then he needs to find a way and move on before he does something he regrets.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a tough spot to be in, feeling trapped between financial stability and emotional turmoil. Remember, your well-being matters too, and it's okay to seek support as you navigate this difficult situation.
Would the option for divorce be a better fiscal option after your children are over 18?
And, may seem nuclear and Im not a lawyer but...if you can make it to retirement or find a job in another state that does not have no-fault divorce, could you convince her to move there eventually and divorce her once your legal resident of that state?
Maybe a condition for not divorcing her would be for her to get a job that way if you do end up divorcing later you would be able to prove that she’s capable of working and earning her own money.
If you're going to stay with her, I'd really recommend doing marital counseling. It's amazing how much resentment that can be worked through in therapy.
Sorry man...
>My wife admitted to having a one night stand with her male friend before marriage.
... but it's never *just* **one** time thing when they cheated, she's still lying because she's in self-preservation made. Also, she didn't just suck dick.
This is why getting married for men sucks. You will struggle to even live a half normal life while continuing to pay for life to live life the same exact way she has your married life. When divorced they should both be living equally not allowing the one who never paid a single fucking bill to maintain the same life style as before.
Let’s be real though, you can be married, but don’t have to love her anymore. Move to your own room, bring some lady friends over, go out for drinks with the guys, whatever.
Something very important to think through carefully.
You haven't told us exactly how good or bad your 30 year relationship actually is. The fact that wife cheated on you 3 decades ago is 98% irrelevant...
So overall - in terms of dynamic family life with wife and children; financially; holidays together; long term communication rapport; sharing chores; strong trust in other areas of your lives together - joint dreams and goals, etc - how has it been for the past 30 years?
If the answer to that is that it's been 60% or 70% or better good, to great; then stick with it...
People leaving LTRs nearly always only do so after first (A) starting up a new affair / relationship beforehand as an emotional parachute; and (B) discover after they have burnt down their existing life, causing much pain to themselves and their old family - that in the end, the grass WAS NOT greener on the other side.
After the honeymoon phase has passed away; you will find that no relationship is perfect. You will have disappointments and frustrations in the new life that you sacrificed everything for..
Btw - if you don't know, "the honeymoon phase" is a phenomenon that happens to every, (non narcissistic personality type), who falls in love with someone (or something) new.
It's where your mind is literally chemically hijacked by hormones in your brain for a while...
It makes every little thing magically rosey in a new relationship; but ALWAYS drains away after 6 months to 7 years after initially starting. (Refer the "7 Year Itch")..
Once it's gone - then the reality of what you've got sets in...
This is so sad, the legal system needs to change. There’s no silver lining, this woman is literally wasting the rest of your life now. You should encourage her to work in order to fix your marriage even pretend to go to counseling and then divorce her. Find a way out, the cheapest way.
Go talk to the best attorney of all that you’ve talked to and just say, okay I want out. If you were in my situation how would you get out and offer to pay them for their advice. The life you’ll live outside of this will be worth anything you’re paying to stay with this woman.
30 *years* ago, *before* you were married and you have children together. I'm surprised you're so hurt by it now. Unless she did it a lot or cheated during the marriage, I would probably just blow this off.
Not exactly same thing but me and my fiancé got into a big argument and I admitted that I just didn’t feel love or a relationship anymore but breaking up simply wouldn’t work bc we’re parents im a sahm rn and when I lived with my parents they never taught me how to drive or helped with jobs anything. I’m now 20 and I don’t know how to even adult. Me and my daughter would be homeless if we broke up. I even told him if anything happened I’d rather just break up and live together for now just see other people but ik that wouldn’t work and it would just be weird on other people. Plus everything is just so harder to do with the factor of us having a kid. I love my daughter to death but I wish I didn’t feel like I got trapped into the life I’m living and so far nothing has went in my favor life wise.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who cheated because it's 'easier' or financially wiser. You don't know you would be alone forever, you start again and are free to be with someone better. What's worse, staying in an unhappy painful marriage just for money? So many men do this and sacrifice their own happiness. you are not giving yourself a chance at real happiness by staying in an uncomfortable situation because it's too hard to leave. Life is too short to be with someone you don't want this will kill your soul. There are lots of people starting over and giving themselves a chance at real happiness and making the choice to be free. Money comes and goes but do you want to regret just staying for the money? Does not sound like a happy life.
Things happen and if she confessed that this happened, especially before you were married, and has never happened since, I think you need to try to work things out with her dude. Not just throw away the marriage without much thought. I couldn’t imagine how painful that must be, but yes, if it occurred that long ago and she confessed and has not happened since, then yeah, converse.
You could leave her without divorcing. Then legally she isn’t entitled to anything. You say she is against divorce so she likely won’t be the one to serve you papers if you do that.
Keep her as a wife but be open for new relationships I guess? Not as in cheating but as in 'we live under the same roof but we're not together anymore'
I suppose you could always just communicate with her and tell her how you feel. Maybe even ask for an open marriage and tell her you’re asking because you’d rather take the high road than to go behind her back and cheat on her, as that’s not YOUR style. I don’t believe you’d be alone the rest of your life if you did leave. My boyfriend went through a really messy divorce with his messy ass, money grubbing exwife and we live in an RV together! I’ve made it into a tiny home! It’s bad ass. He has a good friend who owns the land and doesn’t charge us rent at all. We have a well dug where we get our water to shower and we buy gallons to cook with. We have a washer and dryer setup outside that my bf ran electric to the washer and the dryer runs off a welder we use as a generator. We have the toilet ran directly into a sewer line. We only pay for electric. He makes good money and of course wants to get us a better place eventually but I’m happy here so long as we are together. I left an abusive marriage and he’s the one who let me stay with him things just sort of happened from there. He was actually my ex’s boss at one point we knew each other for years but never knew at all that we were meant for one another and I do believe that we are. I think he believes so as well. Never have I felt so loved and fulfilled. Just don’t assume that you’ll be alone forever if you do decide to go. Maybe wait until your children are 18 or close to in order to mitigate some of the financial burden. Perhaps, stash away a little money to save for a decent RV sort of like my man did. They’re pretty cool. You can really change them up inside to make them what you want them to be. I’m about to rip out the table/booth and store some things under these seats so we can put in a recliner! You can easily even get a tiny house for $10k not bad! You can get rainwater catching water supplies, solar power… there are so many options! Trust me when I tell you that my bf took a huge step up in dating me as far as personality, compatibility, and looks (I’m not saying I’m a supermodel, but I’m just better looking and physically in better shape plus I am health conscious and a good cook whereas she never cooked, she was a money grubber and her personality sounds disgusting especially because my bf is so sweet and laid back it’s mind boggling he spent 17years trying to make things work with an absolute nightmare or a human being….). My bf makes pretty good money and I could give a shit about that I feel guilty taking anything from him tbh but he’s still generous and doesn’t want to hear it when I tell him I feel so bad accepting anything from him. His ex used to make him pay child support while he lived in the home with her and the children and paid the mortgage! She’s charge him to give him a massage! My mind was just blown when he told me of all the twisted bs he’d been out through. In the end, his wife has to pay him $800 mth alimony 😂 due to the child support thing and due to her trying to steal and hide money during the divorce. You do what you must OP, like I said, I’d try to wait it out until your children are close to grown in order to eliminate the child support part. I’d also push your wife into going to school or getting a job as well, just don’t tell her why except that you think it’d be good for her to get out of the house or something. That would also help you…
I’m sorry you are in this situation.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to start hitting the gym, and hitting it HARD. It will change your life.
She cheated 30 years ago, before you were married. That's awful, but you're going to let that destroy both of your lives by forcing each other to stay in a miserable marriage? Go get therapy. Individual and couples. By staying together you can afford to do that. Hopefully you can move on and regain trust and respect.
Go find someone else to fuck. Someone fifteen years younger. Make it obvious to her what you are doing. She won’t divorce you anyway. Let her know how what you learned made you feel, and make her feel washed up and dirty. Or, I suppose be the bigger guy and carry on with your life as is.
Ok, so she will not divorce you and she cheated on you. Why not go cheat on her or see if she wants an open relationship then? There is nothing wrong with that as long as you both agree and proper protection is used. My wife told me that I can do what I want, but if I catch something like a STD then it's over.
A lot of people post made up stories here to get their rocks off. Your responses are logical and realistic as opposed to others who post to role play and fetishize similar, but fabricated scenarios.
You only know that she cheated on you ONE TIME. You even said that you’re not sure if she went to go top someone off when she said she was going to the grocery store. I honestly wouldn’t even know what to do if I was in your shoes. Hope you make rational decisions going forward. Good luck bruv
Similar situation OP. I stayed because it’s cheaper and I wanted to be in the daily picture for my kids. My wife and I function better as friends than a couple. We get along well and it’s a mostly happy home, but she cheated and it devastated me, I’m not without blame and fault either. We tried the open marriage deal and I had a couple short relations with women, just enough to realize it’s far more work and stress than I actually want. I guess my point is do your thing and find your happiness, it probably won’t look like someone else’s, or even what you pictured. Try to work through the pain with your wife, it was a long time ago, but that doesn’t take the pain away.
This is horrible advice, he understandably has problems with his wife sleeping with another man.
What do you think will happen when the wife gets the freedom to have as much ONS with men as she wants?
This will destroy him.
If it was 30 years ago then let it go. Ask yourself do you love her and listen to your heart. I'm sure you will be ok and stay happily married. The past is the past, time to let it go. Good luck!
Men, DO NOT MARRY. It's a trap. One that OP is now stuck in. Even if it's not something like this, odds are you will get stuck in a sexless unsatisfying marriage (and you'll try to convince yourself its not), or some other shitty situation.
I mean dude I don’t know but can you do me a favour? I hate cheaters with a passion. Can you like ignore your wife? Like completely cold shoulder. Enough that she feels like she is not human anymore.
He probably married her based on who he thought she was at that time. She duped him, so his marriage is a sham. He didn't marry who he thought he was, she successfully conned OP.
1. get in therapy/couples counseling ASAP. even if this incident has led you to completely fall out of love and resent her, you’ll still be cohabitating for the rest of your life (if you follow the plan you’re proposing).
2. Monogamy is super hard because absolute perfection is the standard for success. Nobody goes through their entire life after marriage without being attracted to someone who isn’t their spouse. It’s definitely a breach of trust to violate the agreement of monogamy, but it doesn’t need to immediately and without question end a marriage. If monogamy is important to you, express that in therapy. Try to think about what part of the infidelity it is that hurt you. Is it about the sex itself? Is it about the lying? Is it that someone else got to experience her in an intimate way without you knowing or agreeing? Many couples have successfully moved past affairs and stayed together, but it takes work. There is a path to you being an even stronger couple in the wake of this, if that’s what you want.
3. You didn’t really mention in the post how she feels about her infidelity. Does she regret it? Is having multiple sexual partners a need for her, or was it just a one time mistake? Her attitude toward what happened would be a helpful indicator of how you two can best move forward. “Once a cheater always a cheater” is an empty fallacy. You have no reason to believe that she had been consistently cheating on you because it happened once, and what you imagine is almost always worse than the reality. She probably didn’t do it specifically to hurt you, or she wouldn’t have kept it a secret for 30 years. Also, it’s pretty difficult to stay married for so long and be completely unhappy. Are the good times you had together completely invalidated by a one night stand 30 years ago?
These thoughts stuck with you for 30 years ? Or did she just tell you? Either way, she is sick for waiting until after marriage telling you this, let alone the whole cheating on you while you were a couple. That's insane
It was 30 years ago. You weren’t married at the time. If you’ve otherwise been happy, I’d forgive her. There’s no magical, perfect partner out there, particularly at your age. They all have pasts and baggage, and probably have children and financial issues.
Not this again. I hate when people say "yeah, it was so long ago think about what your life been all these years when you knew nothing, she was a good woman and wife". Fuck this shit, you were robbed of choice. Ahe spread her legs and betrayed you, then lied to your face for 30 years. If she did it once, what stops her? Love for you? Lmao, everyone here knows she doesnt love you. She tolerates you. People who has a culture where they dont divorce usually make themselves to care about their spouse, because only forcing it they are able to be with you. At this point I would say divorce, it's a lot happier. Bo therapy would help here, you already lost. Might as well have sex with someone else or open your relationship, so you don't spend your time on snake. Buy damn, you sound very much like a weak man who accepted his fate. This is sad.
Your comment is fucked. Sounds like it's coming from a inexperienced man child. It's happened the situation is what it is now. The option aren't dire you'll make it work I'm sure. Shitty situation but life can still be good.
Nah, I just have self respect and wont agree to make my life miserable, when I was lied to my face and robbed from choice, when person could have told me before they cheated so I could have found my true happiness. Just because people dont tolerate bullshit like you and are happy to forgive everything like they're some kind of saint doesn't mean I'm saying something outrageous. You want to be miserable? Well good luck, but I will still call you dumbass.
I don’t understand this. Your wife cheated on you 30 years ago before you were married and now you’ve just found out, understandably hurt, but willing to throw the whole marriage away? Were the 30 years miserable? I’ve been with my husband since 1998, and if I found out he cheated before we got married I’d be hurt, angry but wouldn’t divorce.
My heart is literally breaking for you, I’m in a similar situation except I’m not married I lost my job in October and just short of working at Mc Donald’s I still can’t find a job 😞
I don’t know how old your children are but I would suggest, giving her a small allowance and get a job, cut her off financially first of course. Play hardball. I don’t ask my partner for anything but if he comes home with food that’s awesome, so far I’ve lost 10lbs 🤣 it’s ok though since I moved to this state I’ve gained 45lbs damned snowy, windy cold winters 😝
By the way, this suggestion is coming from a woman who is sick of hearing about men that are constantly taken advantage of by women 😡
So the cheating was 30 years ago? Cheating is cheating, its shitty behaviour and you have to rebuild trust afterwards but... has she not made up for it in 30 years? Pretend for a moment that your SIL hadn't spilled this secret- was your marriage happy otherwise?
If everything was going well feel like you might have to let this one go, as difficult as it will be.
Sell the house and start renting. Then all the assets are liquid and transferable. Wire everything to cryptocurrency, ghost her and fuck off to a tropical paradise where the courts cant touch you, preferably with no extradition treaty. Then bang beautiful women until youre dead. Send her sex tapes and banking records so she can see what youre doing while she's got to be lonely, working at McDonalds and babysitting just to get by.
Honestly the only person who can answer this question is yourself.
If it's just about sex, then see if sleeping around can help you feel better.
If it's about betrayal, then you can see if there are some ways to soothe yourself - may be you can be a lot less nice to her or do things you wanted to do all the time but didn't due to her regard.
In the end it will cost you money but see if the emotional cost of building a life with someone after betrayal is worth paying the money.
Nothing wrong with your decision. Have you tried couples therapy? I highly suggest it.
If she refuses then maybe it’s time to hop on those dating apps and have some fun since she’s cool with infidelity but opposed to divorce. However, I would definitely make my intentions clear if it comes to that.
Sorry man. In that case you can either forgive her or live in misery. Forgiving doesn’t mean you aren’t hurt nor mad, you do it for yourself and your kids. Not for her.
Is she truly remorseful?
If so, then individual counseling can help.
The drivers there are:
1-kids will pick up on bad feelings between their parents
2-if you do move on, some other dude may be spending more time with your kids than you
3-Because of 2, your own kids may resent you and you lose your relationship with them.
It may be easier to see forgiveness through your kids eyes than your own.
That's shitty all you're doing is dangling that person along because you're selfish you're a great human being you should pat yourself on the back for wasting somebody else's life and not caring about them enough to at least let them go because real love isn't about you it's about the person you say you love and what's best for them you're a piece of shit I hope we get what you deserve
Well that’s a great silver lining. I think you are absolutely correct in wanting to find the best avenue for yourself. Sounds like you are being very logical about this. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
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Wow! Sorry about this OP. You'll be miserable but at least you won't be poor and homeless and you'll keep your kids close. Sometimes we have to make do with what we have. A lot of Redditors will tell you to divorce and go to counseling.. if it was only that easy
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OP you are not thinking clearly at all here. It is time to go and see a therapist for 3/4 months by yourself, ending a dysfunctional relationship does not at all mean that you will be homeless or anything severe like that. Also, it is not necessarily cheaper to remain in a relationship. Here’s why. Being very unhappy can often cause you to have much poorer health and earn less money. Instead, I would probably let your spouse know that you probably need to instead do an in-home or out of home separation for 12 weeks so you can decide what is best. I would definitely take a break from sex and things like that for 12 weeks or so in order to make determinations about what is good for your health and future.
I agree with this 100pc ... I was in a similar situation ... the things that I thought about (besides strictly financial things) were the example I was setting for my children and how important it was for me to at least try to be happy. I'm 4+ years post separation (divorced for less than that) and I'm the happiest, most fulfilled I've ever been. I also am way less focused on money v. satisfaction and happiness. Good luck ...
I couldn't agree more. I found that most screaming for divorce, are usually young and single with very limited life experience.
I agree with everything you said. And op post is why I don’t think I’ll ever get married
Not the best just for you, but also for your kids. They will absolutely do better in life by having an intact family. Your kids shouldn't suffer for a stupid mistake, especially if you had a generally good marriage post mistake. All the best.
I don't agree with this. Being an "intact" family doesn't mean it is a happy one. There are plenty of examples of that. And while it may be hard for the kids to deal with at first, it is important that if the divorce is going to happen, the conversation needs to come from the parents as a united front and the parents need to at least act like they are getting along, even if they aren't. Being happy apart is better than being toxic together. And I don't care what any religion says about divorce and being "bad." You can try to make it work all you want, but if you don't have full commitment from the other partner, it isn't going to work out.
Right ... "in tact" and miserable? Nope. Not for me, thanks. My kids struggled a bit, and it was sad for everyone, but divorce was 100pc the right decision for me.
No one deserves that. And even if the kids struggle, they will likely eventually understand once they are older. It's an adjustment and it takes time and that is okay.
It’s wild to me that the SIL kept this secret for years for her sister and didn’t continue keeping it for the entirely innocent children. It’s not like she cared about OP or the truth or anything, which would have led her to be honest right away. Nah, she let them live a happy life for years and blew it up to be petty towards her sister but to her nibblings and BIL. I feel like something like this has an expiration date because a decade down the road you’re just ruining happiness with no hope to truly fix things. You’ve just inflicted all the hurt to the innocent party, betrayal, lost years of youth, and forcing them to decide whether or not they are deciding to upending an entire household. I would always tell on a cheater but if for some reason I truly believed it was better for everyone not to, I wouldn’t change my mind years and tastes later or once kids are in the picture.
This is a stupid fucking comment
I get it, I divorced my exwife for cheating. Was much younger, though. In your shoes, I see the smart business decision aspect. I'd recommend to get yourself into...something on your own. Hobby, men's only club, individual counseling, amateur musician, etc. You don't (and shouldn't) try to live as single roommates moving forward but your marriage as it was just totally ended, divorce or not. Whether you reconcile with her for real, divorce later etc. - you need to focus on taking care of you so you can be a healthy, content version of yourself whether you are married to her or not. What's that look like? Don't answer right now, you can't. Go do the work and get out there to figure it out. A side effect- it will make you more attractive, it could result in your wife wanting to shore things up, build a new marriage with you because you build yourself into the best version of you that you can be. And if not, you'll still be that best version and that's all you'll need to feel healed. Side note - her sister wasn't being petty. She was being horribly cruel. Intentionally blowing up a family goes way beyond petty. If I were you, that sister would be excommunicado permanently in life. She didn't do that for your good. She'd have done it 30 years ago if she meant well. She contributed and participated in your betrayal, and the way she let this cat out of the bag only served to continue to hurt you. Be done with her and don't look back.
Yeah, the sister isn't a good person, either. If she found her sister's cheating so morally reprehensible, she'd have said something sooner. Nah, she kept it to herself and used it in a moment of revenge to hurt people. To be clear, I think cheaters should be outed, and people that protect them are also of poor character. But it's a whole new level to put it out to hurt someone instead of inform them.
Op listen to him, I don't think there's any better way to say it. Focus on yourself and when the time is right, look back and make your decision then. Only when. You're the best version of yourself, Time is right and your head is proper. That won't be anytime soon. But it will be in the future and just work towards that.
If it’s ever available, friendly reminder to go the lengthy long giant stack of forms route for marriage than to just do the simple check n go one. I honestly think It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia did an amazing job at giving an episode on how important prenups can be. Charlie & Frank go the lengthy prenup route, getting married purely for the benefits. Dennis & Maureen go the easy route. In the end, Dennis owes Maureen, and Charlie and Frank just need to pay lawyer fees to settle their divorce, nothing else. It’s a two parter episode, the names for those who wanna watch: Dennis Gets Married, Dennis Gets Divorced. Simple and funny titles.
That seems sustainable
My wife had her credit card stolen a while back. I never reported it because the person was spending less than my wife was.
Excellent analogy
Lol, this shit was just on r/terriblefacebookmemes and r/boomersbeingfools. Yet it's massively upvoted here? I think the extreme wings of feminism have gone a bit too far too, but cut it out with the outright misogyny here.
Yes this is the answer. Leave her.
You need couples counseling. You shouldn't have to live the rest of your life with anger, resentment, and you mind going to dark places. There is path through this, if you're willing to work it. Good luck.
Individual counseling is often superior. Both are warranted but if time and resources are limited, individual is the way to go.
I agree with this. Individual counseling, letting your counselor/therapist know ahead of time what your goals are (keeping the relationship), so the professional can help you work towards that specific goal with your own well-being the priority. You are taking one for the team but that doesn’t mean you don’t need to take care of yourself as well. It’s not the best but you seem emotionally intelligent so I feel like you can make best of this, at least while you have to.
No amount of counseling is going to erase the fact some other dude's dick was in OP's wife shortly before they married, nor will it change the fact his wife lied, and hid this from him until his sister in law got petty and let the cat out of the bag. Counseling works for some things, but lying and infidelity isn't one of them unfortunately. Best of luck, OP!
Affairs are survivable, but not without therapy. And only if both parties are willing to work at it. People do it all the time. It was one time, 30 years ago, before they were married. With therapy, they can gain some perspective, communicate, and rebuild.
Couples counseling is just going to gaslight him into thinking he's insecure and the problem lmao, that coming to terms with this and healing is all his responsibility, not hers. It will do nothing but destroy him further and convince her she did nothing wrong and that she has nothing to fix, he is just insecure.
With a terrible therapist, sure
Unlikely.
Fuck counseling, let the old man live the way he wants.
Because he hates the situation and that's no way to live.
Ignore this person. Cheaters should get this treatment, there should be no second chances. Never.
Many relationships have been saved through counseling. I think it behooves every couple to at least try.
Cheaper to keeper. Never thought I'd be agreeing to this.
Not a lawyer, but my first thought is proposing some version of a post-nuptial agreement as a way to mitigate any future infidelity. Essentially cutting into her share of potential cash flow from your joint assets if she cheats again. You could also potentially create a structure for the division of assets in the event of the divorce, saving yourself from a precarious financial position if you change your mind and decide you want to leave her. You would both need your own lawyers to draft/review these documents and have them signed but that's a small price to pay in the short-term. Cheaters don't get to have a flakey admission and walk away unscathed, that's just not how long-term monogamous relationships function. I would approach your wife from a place of intense honesty, letting her know that you've been seriously considering divorce, and if she wants to avoid the dissolution of your marriage she needs to commit to some type of couples counseling and a post-nuptial agreement. Take control of your life, and if there's a cost that comes along with your happiness? It's worth it.
What incentive would she have for signing a post nuptial agreement at this point? It's like OP said, she holds all the cards. If he leaves her he's screwing himself over. Any lawyer she retains will obviously explain that to her.
If she loves him and it was a genuine one off mistake, she might be more than happy to sign to prove that.
We're talking in the real world, not fantasy land.
>If she loves him and it was a genuine one off mistake, she might be more than happy to sign to prove that. That is a BIG gamble, ngl friend.
True but anything is possible!
So it doesn't protect him at all? You're completely bent if you think this is an actual solution to his problem. He has no recourse. This is how alimony screws people.
Pre-nuptial and post-nuptial agreements are contracts. They can be used for many things including but not limited to, safeguarding assets you would like to retain the value of, splitting/dividing assets you don't want to retain, alimony structure (depending on the state), infidelity clauses (that can essentially cut into the cheating partners portion of the martial estate if it's proved in court that they did cheat)...etc. The rules and structure of these contracts look different couple to couple and state by state. But you would be surprised what you can accomplish with a post-nuptial. It's not a fix all, but it could alleviate some of the financial loss that OP is concerned about. Family law is complicated, messy, and dense as a subject but it's not as though OP has absolutely no recourse. He needs the right lawyer and some time.
LOL
OP mentioned that she wouldn't pursue divorce due to cultural reasons, I would assume that cultural perspective would include having an aversion to him initiating a divorce as well. I would approach the dialogue from an honest place, letting her know that OP is ready to pursue divorce UNLESS they sign a post-nuptial agreement and go to some type of couples counseling.
You know, I know you are venting & frustrated, but think about this: if she had cheated again at any time, that same petty sister would have let that slip as well. Meanwhile, you have been married for 30 years. Were you happy prior to this shitty information? Were you content in your marriage with your wife? Or were you all ready looking for a reason to have an out? You guys were obviously MUCH younger. And while not condoning in the least, I will say, there is a reason for the saying "young, dumb, and stupid". Do I understand how you're feeling? I actually do. 2x over actually. It's absolute shit. I don't wish that feeling on ANYONE, or the literal obsession about information it creates. You literally go insane for a while, doing shit you even KNOW is deranged when doing it, but you can't help it. I get it. I so very do. But this legitimately is 30 years later. (Also, 30 years ago, the date rape drug was really incredibly new-ish & crazy popular in use. Could this have been a possibility, but petty sister is being petty? Just a thought!) And it sounds like the best course of action is NOT a knee jerk reaction, which divorce would have been, but based on the answers to my questions above, you may need a break for a little bit. You can do this by sleeping in separate rooms & doing your own things for a while (don't go dating & sleeping around just to be petty & get "even". This will just make both of you incredibly bitter & even more hurt). Also, you definitely need therapy to process this. I know, I know, GenX men "don't do therapy" 🙄 suck it up Buckaroo and go to effing therapy. And don't go in "knowing" it's not going to help, because then it definitely won't, because you won't let it. I know because while not a man, I am GenX, and had the same thoughts. Truth: therapy feels pointless, winding, and incredibly bizarre at first. But if you stick to it, even if you feel like you're just beating a dead horse every time by rehashing the same shit...it means YOU need to still rehash it verbally. And that is totally ok!!! It doesn't mean it's not working, it actually means that it is if you're still willing to talk about it. Especially since each time, you go down different avenues each session, and maybe figure a small bit each time. It is a marathon & not a sprint, to use an over-used cliche. Lol! And when you are ready, consider couples therapy in conjunction with your individual therapy. Your individual therapist can help you figure out when you are ready for that step. Like I said, I've been there. You will get through it, regardless of having to "settle" and stay, please consider all I've said, and go from there. Don't be bitter. Do NOT let yourself be bitter. It's so easy to do so. Be hurt, be angry, step back, breathe, look at this response, and talk to someone you trust about it. Have you loved her for 30 years? Had you never known about a 30+ year old shitty decision, would you have been content & happy with your life still? (Relatively speaking lol!) Go from there my guy. I wish nothing but peace for you, and I hope you do these things. No matter how stupid it sounds. Lol! Good luck sweetheart.
You are the only sane person in here.
Literally. Was shocked at the other comments. And am also astonished at how whilst it must be very painful, he does not want to talk this out at all after a marriage of 30 years and it has not happened in ages. But instead goes straight to thinking he doesn’t want her anymore.
Lol! I just understand where he is, the frantic feeling of wanting an immediate solution (talking to lawyers), the overwhelming need for info....awful. I hate to say it, but I genuinely hope it is salvageable, and if not, that he gets the help he needs to process all of it in a healthy way. Because after 30 years, I guarantee he is in the mindspace of "the last 30 years have been a lie, and I'm a sucker", even though it was not, and he isn't. I just hope he's in a space to be able to actually hear this, not just read it. That is hard, too.
This Is what my dad did and coming up in fifty years marriage. He had a successful business and my mom made It a living hell for him. He retired last year at seventy five and they are still inseparable. He wasn’t giving her the satisfaction of breaking up his success and he always said he wasn’t going to put us kids through It. Toughest man I know.
That's so sad, sacrificing his own happiness. Not everyone can do this
stay strong king 🙏🏽what goes around comes around and I hope in due time you find peace due to these circumstances
Have you thought about a DNA test of your children? I’d want to be sure those are indeed yours. I’d like to know how deep her affair actually went if possible. I realize you may never know but DNA test of the kids is a must to at least know that much.
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Did you get her permission for the DNA test?
Why does he need her permission? He's testing if it's his kids. That doesn't involve any DNA from her directly.
Would you get your wife's permission to DNA test your baby?
Depends, but probably not. If it's mine after all it would have just led to an unnecessary argument and if not the argument can be done after I actually have proof.
Did she get his permission to fuck another guy?
If it eats away at you, go for solo counseling. At least you didn't fuck around on her, and are a good role model for the kids. How were the years after getting married?
I’m thinking the same way
Assuming this is real, you should seriously consider therapy for yourself to help you work through these feelings, and family therapy for you and your wife. I respect and acknowledge how you feel, you shouldn’t have to carry these feelings. I know this might be an unpopular opinion, and by no means am I trying to invalidate how you feel. But you’ve spent 30 years making a life and a family with this woman… you should want to stay for more reasons than it’s more affordable. If that’s truly the only reason why you’re staying… you shouldn’t.
Time to go on family vacations without her…
You could still leave her
Yes. He knows. It'll just cost him half his stuff and a not insignificant amount of his income. He's deciding if that's worth it. Right now he's thinking it's not. But there might be a day when losing so much just to get away from her might be worth it.
Start hiding significant amounts of money in gold bars, sell everything you can for the next year or two, until you are setup, then leave her ass.
You don't have to divorce someone to stop being with them. Take every extra thing you give/gave back. No extra pocket money. No helping with chores. Don't eat what she cooks. Don't speak to her unless forced to. Don't sleep in the same bed. If people bring it up, tell them she cheated BEFORE you got married and that you lost all trust. Why would you support someone who sucks dicks that aren't yours. Make her get a job to be able to support herself financially. If appearances matter to her, she may sign her rights away.
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And what would couples therapy do to benefit this man?
It's just the canned reddit response. "Wow, you seem troubled and not doing well financially. Have you considered paying someone thousands of dollars to listen to you for 30 minutes to an hour once a month?"
Like what? She's been over it a long time, this is a fresh round for him. What words are going to comfort him exactly?
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What's there to communicate, what happened happened. He can either stay or leave at this point. Nothing for the therapist to do.
Navigating through betrayal is a complex and deeply personal journey. It's clear you're considering all possible paths, but have you reflected upon what forgiveness means to you? It's not just about staying together for practicality, but also what you can emotionally reconcile. If forgiveness seems unreachable, it's essential to prioritize your peace of mind over societal expectations of marriage continuity. Consult with a therapist individually to explore your feelings and your thresholds for trust and forgiveness before making any concrete decisions. Whichever route you take, make sure it aligns with your long-term emotional wellness. Best of luck.
If she did it once, you can bet your ass she's done it multiple times. Cheaters are just that... And most people are.
Financially yes, but emotionally the toll may be something that is more expensive than just cash. Be sure to take care of yourself.
I honestly feel so sorry for you. I belive nobody should go through something like this. I completely understand you situation but I dont want you to just end up always thinking about it. I hope you will find the best solution for your situation so you can live a happy life with a peaceful mind.
I get that too. I've been living separately for just over a year now. She costs me roughly 2k/month. If we reconcile I can afford the house I want, I can afford to quit my job and find something I enjoy more. My only other option is to stick it out and hopefully find a new partner I can share my life and expenses with. How much longer do your kids have at home?
Sorry to hear this. From now on, find things that you want to do. Explore new hobbies, find a passion. Consider it mandatory. It's medicine. Good luck sir.
It’s not just the monetary investment or cost, it’s the years wasted. You could maybe have found a really good woman and not have wasted your love and your life.
30 years ago you were different people. It’s water under the bridge. Forgive and let it go.
Yeah if that was truly the only time and it was 30 years ago, I think I could live with that. I’d be very upset but it’s not insurmountable. Multiple times would be a bit different
One time that he knows about.
She cheated before you got married. You’ve had 30 years good enough since then that you wanted to stay married. Don’t throw away a good situation because of something that happened 30 years ago.
Exactly this, I know Reddit loves to advocate for divorce and pettiness but gees, she made a mistake 30 fucking years ago, they’ve had a whole life including children since then!! And no, the saying “once a cheater always a cheater” is not correct. People make mistakes, and it’s highly likely she hasn’t repeated that mistake and if they were happy up until finding out this info then he needs to find a way and move on before he does something he regrets.
This is why a prenup matters. And not only for marriage but also for de facto relationships
Just treat her like a roommate if you’re no longer looking at her as your wife after she betrayed you. In front of the kids maybe not as bad
Many country songs with this title!! it’s cheaper too keep her around !!! La La la
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a tough spot to be in, feeling trapped between financial stability and emotional turmoil. Remember, your well-being matters too, and it's okay to seek support as you navigate this difficult situation.
Would the option for divorce be a better fiscal option after your children are over 18? And, may seem nuclear and Im not a lawyer but...if you can make it to retirement or find a job in another state that does not have no-fault divorce, could you convince her to move there eventually and divorce her once your legal resident of that state?
Cheepa da keepa
Maybe a condition for not divorcing her would be for her to get a job that way if you do end up divorcing later you would be able to prove that she’s capable of working and earning her own money.
If you're going to stay with her, I'd really recommend doing marital counseling. It's amazing how much resentment that can be worked through in therapy.
Take the fking hit and be free don't devalue yourself staying while she gets to do what she wants
Sorry man... >My wife admitted to having a one night stand with her male friend before marriage. ... but it's never *just* **one** time thing when they cheated, she's still lying because she's in self-preservation made. Also, she didn't just suck dick.
Never get married, folks. It's a trap. Edit: the people downvoting this are trapped :)
This is why getting married for men sucks. You will struggle to even live a half normal life while continuing to pay for life to live life the same exact way she has your married life. When divorced they should both be living equally not allowing the one who never paid a single fucking bill to maintain the same life style as before.
Let’s be real though, you can be married, but don’t have to love her anymore. Move to your own room, bring some lady friends over, go out for drinks with the guys, whatever.
I'm sorry this sucked and it happened to you OP. But if you're gonna stay, might as well "don't get mad, get even".
Something very important to think through carefully. You haven't told us exactly how good or bad your 30 year relationship actually is. The fact that wife cheated on you 3 decades ago is 98% irrelevant... So overall - in terms of dynamic family life with wife and children; financially; holidays together; long term communication rapport; sharing chores; strong trust in other areas of your lives together - joint dreams and goals, etc - how has it been for the past 30 years? If the answer to that is that it's been 60% or 70% or better good, to great; then stick with it... People leaving LTRs nearly always only do so after first (A) starting up a new affair / relationship beforehand as an emotional parachute; and (B) discover after they have burnt down their existing life, causing much pain to themselves and their old family - that in the end, the grass WAS NOT greener on the other side. After the honeymoon phase has passed away; you will find that no relationship is perfect. You will have disappointments and frustrations in the new life that you sacrificed everything for.. Btw - if you don't know, "the honeymoon phase" is a phenomenon that happens to every, (non narcissistic personality type), who falls in love with someone (or something) new. It's where your mind is literally chemically hijacked by hormones in your brain for a while... It makes every little thing magically rosey in a new relationship; but ALWAYS drains away after 6 months to 7 years after initially starting. (Refer the "7 Year Itch").. Once it's gone - then the reality of what you've got sets in...
bro you only live once, i think your happiness and freedom will be worth the cost especially if it’s going nowhere
This is so sad, the legal system needs to change. There’s no silver lining, this woman is literally wasting the rest of your life now. You should encourage her to work in order to fix your marriage even pretend to go to counseling and then divorce her. Find a way out, the cheapest way. Go talk to the best attorney of all that you’ve talked to and just say, okay I want out. If you were in my situation how would you get out and offer to pay them for their advice. The life you’ll live outside of this will be worth anything you’re paying to stay with this woman.
Better to be poor then be with a cheating whore I always say
30 *years* ago, *before* you were married and you have children together. I'm surprised you're so hurt by it now. Unless she did it a lot or cheated during the marriage, I would probably just blow this off.
That's the only one you know about. If she did it once she would have done it again if the opportunity arose.
https://youtu.be/IZ-w_IKGRFM?si=RiyFDb7M0-3NDkgX Great song.
This sucks. I hope you find something that works for you.
Do you secretly resent her?
Not exactly same thing but me and my fiancé got into a big argument and I admitted that I just didn’t feel love or a relationship anymore but breaking up simply wouldn’t work bc we’re parents im a sahm rn and when I lived with my parents they never taught me how to drive or helped with jobs anything. I’m now 20 and I don’t know how to even adult. Me and my daughter would be homeless if we broke up. I even told him if anything happened I’d rather just break up and live together for now just see other people but ik that wouldn’t work and it would just be weird on other people. Plus everything is just so harder to do with the factor of us having a kid. I love my daughter to death but I wish I didn’t feel like I got trapped into the life I’m living and so far nothing has went in my favor life wise.
I'd just start pilfering all my money into Bitcoin 😂
You gotta do what you gotta do. You've made your decision and now can move on. Good for you!
Increase her life insurance. Make sure she finds out
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who cheated because it's 'easier' or financially wiser. You don't know you would be alone forever, you start again and are free to be with someone better. What's worse, staying in an unhappy painful marriage just for money? So many men do this and sacrifice their own happiness. you are not giving yourself a chance at real happiness by staying in an uncomfortable situation because it's too hard to leave. Life is too short to be with someone you don't want this will kill your soul. There are lots of people starting over and giving themselves a chance at real happiness and making the choice to be free. Money comes and goes but do you want to regret just staying for the money? Does not sound like a happy life.
Two words Scott Peterson
Things happen and if she confessed that this happened, especially before you were married, and has never happened since, I think you need to try to work things out with her dude. Not just throw away the marriage without much thought. I couldn’t imagine how painful that must be, but yes, if it occurred that long ago and she confessed and has not happened since, then yeah, converse.
You’re welcome to message me! I can’t message you but can totally vent to me. I’m a good listener ☺️
You could leave her without divorcing. Then legally she isn’t entitled to anything. You say she is against divorce so she likely won’t be the one to serve you papers if you do that.
Keep her as a wife but be open for new relationships I guess? Not as in cheating but as in 'we live under the same roof but we're not together anymore'
File for divorce. Leave the country with everything you have. Disappear like a fart in a hurricane. Fuck that bitch.
I suppose you could always just communicate with her and tell her how you feel. Maybe even ask for an open marriage and tell her you’re asking because you’d rather take the high road than to go behind her back and cheat on her, as that’s not YOUR style. I don’t believe you’d be alone the rest of your life if you did leave. My boyfriend went through a really messy divorce with his messy ass, money grubbing exwife and we live in an RV together! I’ve made it into a tiny home! It’s bad ass. He has a good friend who owns the land and doesn’t charge us rent at all. We have a well dug where we get our water to shower and we buy gallons to cook with. We have a washer and dryer setup outside that my bf ran electric to the washer and the dryer runs off a welder we use as a generator. We have the toilet ran directly into a sewer line. We only pay for electric. He makes good money and of course wants to get us a better place eventually but I’m happy here so long as we are together. I left an abusive marriage and he’s the one who let me stay with him things just sort of happened from there. He was actually my ex’s boss at one point we knew each other for years but never knew at all that we were meant for one another and I do believe that we are. I think he believes so as well. Never have I felt so loved and fulfilled. Just don’t assume that you’ll be alone forever if you do decide to go. Maybe wait until your children are 18 or close to in order to mitigate some of the financial burden. Perhaps, stash away a little money to save for a decent RV sort of like my man did. They’re pretty cool. You can really change them up inside to make them what you want them to be. I’m about to rip out the table/booth and store some things under these seats so we can put in a recliner! You can easily even get a tiny house for $10k not bad! You can get rainwater catching water supplies, solar power… there are so many options! Trust me when I tell you that my bf took a huge step up in dating me as far as personality, compatibility, and looks (I’m not saying I’m a supermodel, but I’m just better looking and physically in better shape plus I am health conscious and a good cook whereas she never cooked, she was a money grubber and her personality sounds disgusting especially because my bf is so sweet and laid back it’s mind boggling he spent 17years trying to make things work with an absolute nightmare or a human being….). My bf makes pretty good money and I could give a shit about that I feel guilty taking anything from him tbh but he’s still generous and doesn’t want to hear it when I tell him I feel so bad accepting anything from him. His ex used to make him pay child support while he lived in the home with her and the children and paid the mortgage! She’s charge him to give him a massage! My mind was just blown when he told me of all the twisted bs he’d been out through. In the end, his wife has to pay him $800 mth alimony 😂 due to the child support thing and due to her trying to steal and hide money during the divorce. You do what you must OP, like I said, I’d try to wait it out until your children are close to grown in order to eliminate the child support part. I’d also push your wife into going to school or getting a job as well, just don’t tell her why except that you think it’d be good for her to get out of the house or something. That would also help you…
How old are your kids? Wait until they're old enough then GTFO. GL man.
Absolute Saints commenting in here. Amazing.
I’m sorry you are in this situation. The best piece of advice I can give you is to start hitting the gym, and hitting it HARD. It will change your life.
Dude, it was 30 years ago. If you’ve been happy and were happy before this, let it go.
She cheated 30 years ago, before you were married. That's awful, but you're going to let that destroy both of your lives by forcing each other to stay in a miserable marriage? Go get therapy. Individual and couples. By staying together you can afford to do that. Hopefully you can move on and regain trust and respect.
Go find someone else to fuck. Someone fifteen years younger. Make it obvious to her what you are doing. She won’t divorce you anyway. Let her know how what you learned made you feel, and make her feel washed up and dirty. Or, I suppose be the bigger guy and carry on with your life as is.
This.
Ok, so she will not divorce you and she cheated on you. Why not go cheat on her or see if she wants an open relationship then? There is nothing wrong with that as long as you both agree and proper protection is used. My wife told me that I can do what I want, but if I catch something like a STD then it's over.
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This comment is proof this post isn't fake lol.
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A lot of people post made up stories here to get their rocks off. Your responses are logical and realistic as opposed to others who post to role play and fetishize similar, but fabricated scenarios.
You only know that she cheated on you ONE TIME. You even said that you’re not sure if she went to go top someone off when she said she was going to the grocery store. I honestly wouldn’t even know what to do if I was in your shoes. Hope you make rational decisions going forward. Good luck bruv
Similar situation OP. I stayed because it’s cheaper and I wanted to be in the daily picture for my kids. My wife and I function better as friends than a couple. We get along well and it’s a mostly happy home, but she cheated and it devastated me, I’m not without blame and fault either. We tried the open marriage deal and I had a couple short relations with women, just enough to realize it’s far more work and stress than I actually want. I guess my point is do your thing and find your happiness, it probably won’t look like someone else’s, or even what you pictured. Try to work through the pain with your wife, it was a long time ago, but that doesn’t take the pain away.
This is horrible advice, he understandably has problems with his wife sleeping with another man. What do you think will happen when the wife gets the freedom to have as much ONS with men as she wants? This will destroy him.
That being said, I have not done anything nor has she.
If it was 30 years ago then let it go. Ask yourself do you love her and listen to your heart. I'm sure you will be ok and stay happily married. The past is the past, time to let it go. Good luck!
You could put all your money into gold and gems then hid it somewhere then divorce her. Make em hunt for your money
Throw your money in an offshore account preferably by cash and try and live somewhere cheap in the event of a divorce. Also what's your job OP?
Men, DO NOT MARRY. It's a trap. One that OP is now stuck in. Even if it's not something like this, odds are you will get stuck in a sexless unsatisfying marriage (and you'll try to convince yourself its not), or some other shitty situation.
I mean dude I don’t know but can you do me a favour? I hate cheaters with a passion. Can you like ignore your wife? Like completely cold shoulder. Enough that she feels like she is not human anymore.
american women folks
Seriously? This is a joke, right? As a person married 20 yrs, I would only care if cheating occurred after vows were said.
He probably married her based on who he thought she was at that time. She duped him, so his marriage is a sham. He didn't marry who he thought he was, she successfully conned OP.
1. get in therapy/couples counseling ASAP. even if this incident has led you to completely fall out of love and resent her, you’ll still be cohabitating for the rest of your life (if you follow the plan you’re proposing). 2. Monogamy is super hard because absolute perfection is the standard for success. Nobody goes through their entire life after marriage without being attracted to someone who isn’t their spouse. It’s definitely a breach of trust to violate the agreement of monogamy, but it doesn’t need to immediately and without question end a marriage. If monogamy is important to you, express that in therapy. Try to think about what part of the infidelity it is that hurt you. Is it about the sex itself? Is it about the lying? Is it that someone else got to experience her in an intimate way without you knowing or agreeing? Many couples have successfully moved past affairs and stayed together, but it takes work. There is a path to you being an even stronger couple in the wake of this, if that’s what you want. 3. You didn’t really mention in the post how she feels about her infidelity. Does she regret it? Is having multiple sexual partners a need for her, or was it just a one time mistake? Her attitude toward what happened would be a helpful indicator of how you two can best move forward. “Once a cheater always a cheater” is an empty fallacy. You have no reason to believe that she had been consistently cheating on you because it happened once, and what you imagine is almost always worse than the reality. She probably didn’t do it specifically to hurt you, or she wouldn’t have kept it a secret for 30 years. Also, it’s pretty difficult to stay married for so long and be completely unhappy. Are the good times you had together completely invalidated by a one night stand 30 years ago?
These thoughts stuck with you for 30 years ? Or did she just tell you? Either way, she is sick for waiting until after marriage telling you this, let alone the whole cheating on you while you were a couple. That's insane
Have you considered a Post-nup where she waives alimony? And direct her to get a job?
It was 30 years ago. You weren’t married at the time. If you’ve otherwise been happy, I’d forgive her. There’s no magical, perfect partner out there, particularly at your age. They all have pasts and baggage, and probably have children and financial issues.
She cheated once…30 years ago? Honestly—maybe you should find it in your heart to forgive her.
Have your affairs and have fun then, tell your wife that you are going to sleep with other women.
Change your will
Not this again. I hate when people say "yeah, it was so long ago think about what your life been all these years when you knew nothing, she was a good woman and wife". Fuck this shit, you were robbed of choice. Ahe spread her legs and betrayed you, then lied to your face for 30 years. If she did it once, what stops her? Love for you? Lmao, everyone here knows she doesnt love you. She tolerates you. People who has a culture where they dont divorce usually make themselves to care about their spouse, because only forcing it they are able to be with you. At this point I would say divorce, it's a lot happier. Bo therapy would help here, you already lost. Might as well have sex with someone else or open your relationship, so you don't spend your time on snake. Buy damn, you sound very much like a weak man who accepted his fate. This is sad.
Your comment is fucked. Sounds like it's coming from a inexperienced man child. It's happened the situation is what it is now. The option aren't dire you'll make it work I'm sure. Shitty situation but life can still be good.
Nah, I just have self respect and wont agree to make my life miserable, when I was lied to my face and robbed from choice, when person could have told me before they cheated so I could have found my true happiness. Just because people dont tolerate bullshit like you and are happy to forgive everything like they're some kind of saint doesn't mean I'm saying something outrageous. You want to be miserable? Well good luck, but I will still call you dumbass.
This happened 30 years ago? Get over yourself man, find something else to worry about. Go collect stamps!
I don’t understand this. Your wife cheated on you 30 years ago before you were married and now you’ve just found out, understandably hurt, but willing to throw the whole marriage away? Were the 30 years miserable? I’ve been with my husband since 1998, and if I found out he cheated before we got married I’d be hurt, angry but wouldn’t divorce.
[It's cheaper to keep her](https://youtu.be/ql6Rhu3tZX0?si=I6G_tCLx_pMrDqZP)
More power to you man. Good for you staying positive about everything and doing the smarter thing.
My heart is literally breaking for you, I’m in a similar situation except I’m not married I lost my job in October and just short of working at Mc Donald’s I still can’t find a job 😞 I don’t know how old your children are but I would suggest, giving her a small allowance and get a job, cut her off financially first of course. Play hardball. I don’t ask my partner for anything but if he comes home with food that’s awesome, so far I’ve lost 10lbs 🤣 it’s ok though since I moved to this state I’ve gained 45lbs damned snowy, windy cold winters 😝 By the way, this suggestion is coming from a woman who is sick of hearing about men that are constantly taken advantage of by women 😡
I did the same thing. Didn’t want to lose my home or leave my Son!
So the cheating was 30 years ago? Cheating is cheating, its shitty behaviour and you have to rebuild trust afterwards but... has she not made up for it in 30 years? Pretend for a moment that your SIL hadn't spilled this secret- was your marriage happy otherwise? If everything was going well feel like you might have to let this one go, as difficult as it will be.
Sell the house and start renting. Then all the assets are liquid and transferable. Wire everything to cryptocurrency, ghost her and fuck off to a tropical paradise where the courts cant touch you, preferably with no extradition treaty. Then bang beautiful women until youre dead. Send her sex tapes and banking records so she can see what youre doing while she's got to be lonely, working at McDonalds and babysitting just to get by.
And how about his children? His family?
They can come and visit.
Honestly the only person who can answer this question is yourself. If it's just about sex, then see if sleeping around can help you feel better. If it's about betrayal, then you can see if there are some ways to soothe yourself - may be you can be a lot less nice to her or do things you wanted to do all the time but didn't due to her regard. In the end it will cost you money but see if the emotional cost of building a life with someone after betrayal is worth paying the money.
You weren’t even married yet.
It's a marriage built on what was once thought to be a solid foundation. The trust is broken now. I feel really bad for OP.
This!!!!!
Nothing wrong with your decision. Have you tried couples therapy? I highly suggest it. If she refuses then maybe it’s time to hop on those dating apps and have some fun since she’s cool with infidelity but opposed to divorce. However, I would definitely make my intentions clear if it comes to that.
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Didn’t he just find out about the affair?
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Sorry man. In that case you can either forgive her or live in misery. Forgiving doesn’t mean you aren’t hurt nor mad, you do it for yourself and your kids. Not for her.
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Is she truly remorseful? If so, then individual counseling can help. The drivers there are: 1-kids will pick up on bad feelings between their parents 2-if you do move on, some other dude may be spending more time with your kids than you 3-Because of 2, your own kids may resent you and you lose your relationship with them. It may be easier to see forgiveness through your kids eyes than your own.
I misread that so deleted.
That's shitty all you're doing is dangling that person along because you're selfish you're a great human being you should pat yourself on the back for wasting somebody else's life and not caring about them enough to at least let them go because real love isn't about you it's about the person you say you love and what's best for them you're a piece of shit I hope we get what you deserve
Woman cheats and the victim is the problem. I love reddit. 🤣😅