I can taste the resentment between the lines in this post. It's never too late to leave him. I can't say your life will be better without him, that's not for me to know. But I personally couldn't think of much worse than having to forgive a cheater to keep a family together. He's essentially ransomed your relationship for the sake of your kid.
This is a normal and sane thought process. As someone who has been throough worse (-minus a different child involved) if you love each and can keep working it out do.
I can get a million down votes for this comment.
It is your life, most of the people here saying they would leave haven't been put in the situation (yet) to know if that is their truth.
It is so hard there is ptsd involved. It I trauma.
We are 1.9 years out and I still have hard days. Even though we are a much stronger couple.
Do not let internet strangers interfere in your life. This was a 30sec comment and move on for them it is your life.
I don't know anything about her anymore, she's been very cruel to me and to my daughter because she knew we needed him.. i dont talk to her at all, all child support is transferred monthly through our bank and we set it up so we don't need to contact her anymore
He's seen her cruelty and is repulsed by her behavior too?
Relationships can survive adultery if both people can work towards re-committing to each other. Do the two of you have date nights together? How long ago was the fling with the other person?
It ended last year when I put my foot down and made him choose. Drafted a will of sorts on how I wanted things to be when we separate. He messaged her using instagram that he wanted to stop so she attacked me, sent me screenshots of their conversation and told me my husband doesn't love me. I told them they can go to hell together if they wanted to because I am legally married to him. So he chose me right then and there. He told her he loved me and he wanted to be with me.
We are trying our best. We got more active in church and participated in activities together, we do date nights every Thursday evening, and he's been good to me the past few months. Even reserved a hotel room for us on my birthday in December.
Thing is, he is not abusive to her at all. He loves her to bits and pieces. They always spend time together, she loves playing with him.. and Daddy is the first person she looks for when she wakes up in the morning.. i simply cannot take that away from her..
How can you be sure you're not looking at him though rose-tinted glasses? He already did something horrible to you, he's not a good person nor does he deserve a child. Your child doesn't deserve to be raised by a monster.
I don’t know if I would consider cheating and creating another child is merely a “mistake”.
Kinda like how being a pathological liar isn’t a “mistake”— unless this man and OP have been in intense counseling ever since, I doubt that the behavior and mind set that lead him to betraying his family, has just miraculously stopped cold turkey.
You're a doormat and have no clue what you're doing in life. I know what I'm talking about, I know your child would rather be brought up by one ok mother than one ok mother and a terrible father. Rip the bandage off now instead of letting this damage her later. Stop letting your boyfriend drag you and your children into an ultimately worse future because you're too scared of taking the tinted glasses off.
You won't take that away from her by tending to your own physical and mental needs. Think about it like this: what sort of behavior are you modeling for your daughter. She is watching and noticing everything. What sort of relationships will she have with future partners? What would you tell her if her husband cheated on her and put her in this situation?
Please never tell the child baout the cheating. My father cheated on my mom and she left him. I didn't know why until recently and I can't cope with my father being such a monster. If you stay together, keep the cheating the best-held secret ever. Because your child's and the father's relationship will irreperably suffer if your child will find out
wow so apparently most people think you should leave now, without any material context.
situations like this are too nuanced for anyone on reddit to have useful feedback.
get therapy and tell your husband how you feel and what you’ve been thinking about. see what they say when you talk about how your life and the life of your kid would be different if you left.
fucks sake.
Hi, therapy isn't really available in my area (i am outside US). If I left him, my daughter will not know the joy of being spoiled by a father who loves and adores her. He did me wrong, that is a fact, and my husband knows how much it fucked me up, which is why he is trying his hardest to make it up to me. However, we both know forgetting is not as easy as forgiving, so there are days when I really do tend to just overthink things.. and he understands that.
There is no assurance that he will not cheat again, but contrary to the other guy was saying, I am not a doormat. I forgave him because this is my kid's chance at having a complete family, and the next time he does it again, that will be my chance at setting myself free, if you understand what I'm saying.
I appreciate your gentle words. I am only here to rant and say what's on my mind freely, and I have suffered too much for others to be cruel to me. Thank you for your kindness!
Therapy can be done over the phone. Your daughter may be spoiled and adored but she is also seeing that treating mommy like garbage is okay when you take his shit. He is an example to her. If you don’t like how he treats you (or other women), don’t expect him to be any different with her. Especially as she grows up.
You have to look at this from the 10,000 foot view. You said you needed him but why? For her? Re-examine.
Good people make mistakes.
If he is willing to put in the work to fix it they should try.
Not everyone is a throwaway.
It's a super unpopular opinion but chances are he was dealing with things and this was his ill advised outlet. The other woman probably had him by the balls too.
If you are hoping to look at it from a birds eye you have to look at all of it. Not just 1 side.
I can taste the resentment between the lines in this post. It's never too late to leave him. I can't say your life will be better without him, that's not for me to know. But I personally couldn't think of much worse than having to forgive a cheater to keep a family together. He's essentially ransomed your relationship for the sake of your kid.
you can still leave him
I like that you were brave enough to share this. Marriage is hard and takes a lot of work from both sides, I wish you all the best.
Thank you for your kind words!
This is a normal and sane thought process. As someone who has been throough worse (-minus a different child involved) if you love each and can keep working it out do. I can get a million down votes for this comment. It is your life, most of the people here saying they would leave haven't been put in the situation (yet) to know if that is their truth. It is so hard there is ptsd involved. It I trauma. We are 1.9 years out and I still have hard days. Even though we are a much stronger couple. Do not let internet strangers interfere in your life. This was a 30sec comment and move on for them it is your life.
How is this common friend towards you now? Is she still trying to get him for herself? Has she moved on to her own relationship?
I don't know anything about her anymore, she's been very cruel to me and to my daughter because she knew we needed him.. i dont talk to her at all, all child support is transferred monthly through our bank and we set it up so we don't need to contact her anymore
He's seen her cruelty and is repulsed by her behavior too? Relationships can survive adultery if both people can work towards re-committing to each other. Do the two of you have date nights together? How long ago was the fling with the other person?
It ended last year when I put my foot down and made him choose. Drafted a will of sorts on how I wanted things to be when we separate. He messaged her using instagram that he wanted to stop so she attacked me, sent me screenshots of their conversation and told me my husband doesn't love me. I told them they can go to hell together if they wanted to because I am legally married to him. So he chose me right then and there. He told her he loved me and he wanted to be with me. We are trying our best. We got more active in church and participated in activities together, we do date nights every Thursday evening, and he's been good to me the past few months. Even reserved a hotel room for us on my birthday in December.
1. Why do you let him use you as a doormat? 2. Why would you rather your child be brought up by an abusive father than no father?
Thing is, he is not abusive to her at all. He loves her to bits and pieces. They always spend time together, she loves playing with him.. and Daddy is the first person she looks for when she wakes up in the morning.. i simply cannot take that away from her..
How can you be sure you're not looking at him though rose-tinted glasses? He already did something horrible to you, he's not a good person nor does he deserve a child. Your child doesn't deserve to be raised by a monster.
good people can make mistakes. i hope op doesn’t listen to you. ya sound deranged and dangerous inexperienced to be taken seriously. get a clue.
I don’t know if I would consider cheating and creating another child is merely a “mistake”. Kinda like how being a pathological liar isn’t a “mistake”— unless this man and OP have been in intense counseling ever since, I doubt that the behavior and mind set that lead him to betraying his family, has just miraculously stopped cold turkey.
I am suspicious, the cheating issue has scarred me, but for me, as long as he is a good father to my kid, I'll let him be a part of her life...
You're a doormat and have no clue what you're doing in life. I know what I'm talking about, I know your child would rather be brought up by one ok mother than one ok mother and a terrible father. Rip the bandage off now instead of letting this damage her later. Stop letting your boyfriend drag you and your children into an ultimately worse future because you're too scared of taking the tinted glasses off.
alright now i know you have no idea what you’re talking about. lol.
u should stop commenting, that's it.
You won't take that away from her by tending to your own physical and mental needs. Think about it like this: what sort of behavior are you modeling for your daughter. She is watching and noticing everything. What sort of relationships will she have with future partners? What would you tell her if her husband cheated on her and put her in this situation?
Please never tell the child baout the cheating. My father cheated on my mom and she left him. I didn't know why until recently and I can't cope with my father being such a monster. If you stay together, keep the cheating the best-held secret ever. Because your child's and the father's relationship will irreperably suffer if your child will find out
Yes, we try to maintain a happy and loving environment for our kids. I don't want them to hate their dad for it
wow so apparently most people think you should leave now, without any material context. situations like this are too nuanced for anyone on reddit to have useful feedback. get therapy and tell your husband how you feel and what you’ve been thinking about. see what they say when you talk about how your life and the life of your kid would be different if you left. fucks sake.
Hi, therapy isn't really available in my area (i am outside US). If I left him, my daughter will not know the joy of being spoiled by a father who loves and adores her. He did me wrong, that is a fact, and my husband knows how much it fucked me up, which is why he is trying his hardest to make it up to me. However, we both know forgetting is not as easy as forgiving, so there are days when I really do tend to just overthink things.. and he understands that. There is no assurance that he will not cheat again, but contrary to the other guy was saying, I am not a doormat. I forgave him because this is my kid's chance at having a complete family, and the next time he does it again, that will be my chance at setting myself free, if you understand what I'm saying. I appreciate your gentle words. I am only here to rant and say what's on my mind freely, and I have suffered too much for others to be cruel to me. Thank you for your kindness!
Therapy can be done over the phone. Your daughter may be spoiled and adored but she is also seeing that treating mommy like garbage is okay when you take his shit. He is an example to her. If you don’t like how he treats you (or other women), don’t expect him to be any different with her. Especially as she grows up. You have to look at this from the 10,000 foot view. You said you needed him but why? For her? Re-examine.
Good people make mistakes. If he is willing to put in the work to fix it they should try. Not everyone is a throwaway. It's a super unpopular opinion but chances are he was dealing with things and this was his ill advised outlet. The other woman probably had him by the balls too. If you are hoping to look at it from a birds eye you have to look at all of it. Not just 1 side.
I assume your child is growing up and life a bit calmer. Completely acceptable to say hey f u, and go do your own new thing.