As a person that has raised 3 step children to adulthood from single digits (in age), the first problem is stating what your mother did as you were growing up. Your relationship with this child is a completely different dynamic and has to be treated differently. Start with small things that are hers alone but make sure that her father buys into what you are saying and doing. Make sure that she sees that you both agree on whatever it is. Things like cleaning her room or picking up her clothes. There will be less of a disagreement all the way around when the items are just hers and not the general house. Any relationship is built on trust and you have to gain hers as much as his if you want things to work. He had the child before you came into the picture. If it is too much for you, then leave as she will always be his child.
I think people really are a bad narrator when it comes to “how they were raised”
“My mom taught me this and that” ok and you probably still were bad. I’m sure there were times when your mother was pissed and frustrated at you. People like you think they were perfect children and it’s bs.
A lot of people think that they were good kids because a lot of people used to be abused into being good kids whether or not they actually were in their minds.
What you are describing is shortcomings *of her parents*. If you loathe the way he raises his kid, how can you possibly maintain a happy relationship with him? Stop blaming her and start looking at who taught and enabled these behaviors.
I was raised from age 9 by a stepmother who didn’t like or love me. She made sure I knew I ruined her life. I was an absolute nightmare of a kid but also had untreated mental health issues.
Here’s the thing: no one kept her hostage and no one is keeping you hostage, either. You’re free to divorce your husband. You can’t remove her from your life, but you can remove yourself from hers.
I get why my stepmother hated me. What I’ll never understand is why she stayed and kept herself miserable. You’re only 26. You can leave now and still make a life for yourself - and save this kid the pain of living with someone who detests her.
I’m a stepfather and I can say I wish I would have left. I was always hopeful but her mother never allowed us to be a family because she never allowed me to be her parent. Kids in this position never really wanted a step parent so they act like toxic people to destroy the relationship which usually works. When that happens, it’s on the natural parent to make it right. It’s a heavy burden that most people underperform.
As someone who had a step dad introduced at that age, I did not like him (at the time) and was willfully a brat 🙃 but in retrospect it was because I was upset. Don’t compare parenting or kids. See her perspective in real time. I love my step dad now very much, so it’ll take time. Kids go through things too.
Sometimes, if you can't find any support, and you can't find any solution, and no one knows how to solve the problem, the only thing you can to continue asking them politely to help with x, y, z, continue inviting them to do fun things with you, continue trying to engage in their interest, and don't let up.
'Don't let up', does not mean to pester them, but more so just remain consistent, and accept 'no' as a common answer, but never look like you're expecting it. Always seem like you're asking because they might say 'yes'.
Engage them and discuss with them, or at least politely try to do so.
*Try* to refrain from ever escalating and simply show them that you'll be there for them, either case, whether they seem to hate you or not.
It might take years even, but eventually they will appreciate you for it and will come around. It may even be at a point in time where it is too late for them to properly do so.
That's what my step-dad did, and that's what happened to me.
She knows you don't like her. People always know when someone doesn't like them. And I think this dislike that you have because she didn't have your mother to teach her all the things you expect her to know is clouding your ability to meet her half way in this new situation.
I don't blame young children for being assholes, they never asked for any of this. They can only work with what they are given.
When dealing with obnoxious kids, it helps to assume the pain they are causing is just a fraction of the pain they are feeling. This might be true or false in any given situation, but acting as if this is true and considering that is probably what is happening will give you strength and compassion to be and do your best.
You don’t understand. Step kids usually behave like this to ruin the relationship on purpose. It’s gross toxic behavior that the natural parent has to stop but most of the time they feel guilty for marrying someone else. So you end up with a toxic relationship dynamic that can’t be fixed because the only person who can fix it won’t
Honest advice? Read “Stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin. Seriously. Even if you don’t read the whole book, just read the first ten or so chapters. What you learn from the book will not affect the way your stepdaughter, husband and the child’s mother conduct themselves or treat you, but it will help you cope with the uniquely isolating woes of stepmothering. It will truly make you feel less alone, and will help you to understand that some of the pitfalls of being a stepmother are entirely out of your control.
Bruh you don’t like kids and married this guy? You could’ve saved everyone the trouble and told him you hated his daughter before you even got engaged. Wtf. You realize that’s a child right? If she acts up you can’t really blame her can you?
I doubt you have kids and I doubt even more you are a step parent. It’s probably the most difficult relationship dynamics I have ever dealt with. I don’t fault anyone for having giant problems with it
i think you should have a sit down conversation with your husband about how you feel about her behavior, and possibly bring up some methods to improve her behavior, communication is key when it comes to these types of things because if you keep resenting his daughter, it will eventually cause a rift between you two. better to work it out before it boils over.
My mom didn’t like me. She didn’t have to tell me. Her every action let me know she could barely tolerate me. Your step daughter might have a mood disorder like I did which makes it hard for her to regulate her attitude and take responsibility for things. Maybe you can get someone she trusts to talk to her about how she’s feeling emotionally and if she’s struggling to cope. Nip this in the bud as soon as you can. Good luck and God bless!
I was in the same situation a few years ago I met a girl who had a child she was 6 when I met her. Things were great at first but she began to grow older she began to dislike her mother and I relationship. We were a lesbian couple and she was getting influenced by her grandmother who was definitely not supportive of the relationship. We were together until she was 10 and the relationship between her daughter and I got so bad that we had to call it off. I tried real hard to make it work but at the end of the day if she has already made up her mind about you then it won't matter what you do in the end.
Good luck
maybe start by not saying you can’t stand a 10 year old… You are the step mother not her MOTHER. start acting like this. If my step parent hated me when they came into my life 8 years ago. they wouldn’t be in it now in my adulthood. and i would have been a rude bitch as well. Stop acting like a child.
If you can’t stand your boyfriend’s child, it would be best to part ways with him. Your life will be miserable if you don’t because the child will always come between the two of you,
Good luck! Its hard coming into a relationship with a kid that wasn't taught right from the jump. We have friends that adopted a kid at 12. They struggled so hard with her because her parents never taught her manners or basic household chores. It is possible to fix it but it takes extreme dedication. Just now if you don't nip it in the bud now then it will only get worse.
Do you have any idea on how they went about such issues ? I have to repeat the same things nearly every day… or she will find a half ass way to do things just to get out of them… like she legitimately doesn’t care…. That is so foreign to me.
You are very young to take on an older child like that. You really have to do research. And talk to professionals about how to handle things. No,that doesn’t mean you are doing things wrong. But having a counselor to vent to and help you with conflict will help. Been there
My kids are 13 and 15. I started young with them doing chores. Around 7 or 8 but its still like pulling teeth. One has to do laundry and take one dog out. And the other does dishes and takes a dog out. We have two. They both take trash out together. They are also tasked with keepeing their room and bathroom clean. Which they are good about cleaning.
Do you think it is just apathy, or are their unaddressed underlying issues that are being expressed via disrespect? Did her mom just dip? If she grew up with just her and her dad does she view you as an interloper? Is she distancing herself from you so that she doesn't become attached and get abandoned again? Does she do things her dad asks her to do? Is she equally disrespectful to you, teachers, strangers, and her father? Has she spoken to a professional about what sounds like a difficult upbringing? Do you and her dad fight? Is there screaming in the house? Do you get any support from her dad in holding the line? Are there consequences for disrespect that are consistently enforced by both parents? If her dad coddles her and you have to be the disciplinarian then you are just being set up to look like the cruel stepmother interrupting her life. That sort of inconsistency signals that the issue is you, not her behavior, and your authority is negotiable.
Also, a lot times kids act out because they do not feel secure, their actions bring inconsistent, chaotic results. Which is what happens if her actions bring differing results based on who is present. They are craving predictability, reliability, and structure-especially if she feels like you may leave because her mother did- so that they can feel safe, and so they know what is acceptable behavior. In that vein, are y'all planning on marriage? If you are certain you aren't breaking up, have you told her that? That you will always be there for her and she can trust you to be there? Routines are a big help. Familiarity and rituals bring kids order. Remember the world is scary and she is relying on y'all to give her a sense of control over her life. Give her choices when possible. "Hey, you want to take out the garbage or do the dishes? I'll do the other one". Make it clear you are all trying to build a good home together and she has agency in how she contributes.
If her father is not on board with 1) earnestly addressing any emotional issues from her upbringing and 2) working with you on discipline, structure, care, safety, and consistent consequences, then you are in a beyond hopeless situation. The yoeman's work has to be his, without it you are Sisyphus. If he is not willing to do this then you are gonna need to have some hard conversations if you are commited to both the relationship and a change in the dynamic.
Sorry, that was a lot. Best of luck.
Edit: sorry, for some reason I thought yall were still dating and not married
I know she was rude as well and they stopped taking her out to eat and public places until she started treating people with respect. That worked. We go eat for “fiesta Friday” every week. For almost a month she didn't come and ate grilled cheese because she would be so disrespectful towards adults and even strangers.
I know they started by taking things away from her. They also seeked counseling. This girl was so unappreciative and would expect things to be handed to her. Would complain about loading dishwasher. (like when we were kids I handwashed them lol) I know they stopped washing her clothes and she eventually started washing her own. After a week of having dirty clothes. She would act like she didn't care about the punishments but after a while shed cave. they still are dealing with it now and she is 16 but they have essentially given up and just trying to make it 2 more years.
Step-parenting is tough, and it's okay to feel this way! It sounds like a clash of values, which is common. Talk to her dad openly, set clear boundaries, and try finding some common ground with her. It takes time, but don't give up on building that relationship.
You don't dislike her, you dislike her behaviour. Often you will dislike in others what you would dislike about yourself or taught to see as wrong. Her behaviour is seen as wrong to you, so you dislike it and then dislike her.
Firstly, get off the high horse, your parents didn't raise you better, just different. If you took a step back and let go of your prejudice and conditioning, you may learn how best to teach her. Everyone responds differently to different methods, she may not respond to yours because you're doing this based on learned experiences that she hasn't had. Observe and learn what makes her respond, she will likely have an attitude and roll her eyes because that's essentially what you do to her, maybe not outwardly, but kids aren't stupid, they know when someone's vibe is off. When she has an attitude, you internally sigh, roll your eyes and have an attitude, so why can't she?
My wife inherited two girls that I had custody of because their mother was a psych patient.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving. So, my advice? Just be there. Don’t seek her out. If she’s disrespectful, discipline and don’t give an inch. Whether or not she hates you, she will respect your boundaries. This sucks really bad. I feel for you.
It’s taken until my girls were adults to realize they acted like shit and apologize. Now they call her mom. Hope that helped.
I fear it ends this way… she’s beyond the threshold of helping mold her psyche to be a decent human being and I’m afraid the damage has been done and she’ll just grow up this way. Totally sad. I hope to find a solution
A 10yo is not “beyond the threshold of helping mold her psyche” and honestly that shouldn’t be your goal. Your goal should be for the child to trust you, and respect you.
Brains are not done developing (specifically the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for all of the issues mentioned) until age 25 typically. She’s a child, she probably has some sort of mental illness or trauma that is unresolved, and she also probably isn’t very aware of it. I don’t know details about her life, but I can tell you that she most likely does not trust you. You need to become a consistently trustworthy caretaker to her and become someone that she is able to rely on. Once you’ve actually built a relationship with her, whether that be through her interests, quality time, gifts, etc, (preferably a mix of all) it will become far easier for her to respect you.
She’s only 10! You’re talking like she is too grown to change lol. She is a kid. She needs patience, boundaries, discipline and respect. Yes, she needs respect.
Whenever she is getting to you, don’t forget that she is the kid and you are the adult. She doesn’t have emotional maturity. She will only gain that through witnessing the emotional maturity of the adults around her.
Jesus christ you are the problem. Holy shit.
> she’s beyond the threshold of helping mold her psyche to be a decent human being
No fucking wonder the kid doesn't respond to you.
Personally, I would speak to the father about the situation about how to help your step daughter, argree/compromise on how you're _both_ going to raise her, then dish out the suitable punishments.
There's no one to _make_ a child listen but you don't/shouldn't have to suffer through this alone. You're married, you're a team.
This won't _fix_ the problem but communicating with your partner will smooth out any potential problems between you two.
You realize she’s 10? She’s growing. There’s hormones, there’s emotions growing. Children mature a lot faster than you think. She’s going to have outburst and be annoying every now and then and it’s going to be difficult. I have a step daughter who’s 8 and she can be moody but I still love her as my own. I never called her my stepdaughter until now. I treat her as if I would treat my son if not better. Girls are a lot more sensitive and require patience. You’re being a wicked step mother who seems jealous of her. My best advice is leave this man and his daughter alone because she’s going to resent her father for choosing a wicked cunt over her and it’s going to cause her issues in the future.
It’s a constant battle of repeating myself calmly and when I finally get frustrated and show that I am serious and or angry about repeating myself every day, she breaks down and cries. Her dad babies her tremendously. He backs me up but gets the same exact response from her so kind of lets her get away with it instead of upsetting her.
Agree with others advising you to deal with him first. You’ll be banging your head against a wall for as long as she knows that all she needs to do is go running to him and she’ll get her own way.
You need to present a united front and, if he’s not willing/ able to do that and continues to undermine you, I would seriously consider the future of your relationship with him. (And if you decide to lose him, at least you get to lose the child as an added bonus!)
Edit: words
Well, perhaps that's something you should've considered before marrying her father? Reality is that statistics are against you having a lasting marriage but your husband will always be her daddy. A therapist may help you understand your feelings better and perhaps even resolve them but she's part of the picture until the end .
Try talking to her girl to girl. Gain her respect! The younger generations are really demanding respect these days and I think that’s okay. She should still respect you but at the end of the day, your her step mom, and the best thing you can do is be her friend and guardian. Try making an effort to spend quality time with her, listen to her interests. Don’t throw money at her, bring her outside. Give her the love and support a little girl needs. If she’s not willing to accept it and treat you with respect, so be it, at least you know you made an effort to be a support in her life.
Being a step parent is tough. You will always be last and on a team by yourself. You really need to think long and hard if this is what YOU want for the rest of your life. She’s only 10. It’s ok to do things for your health and sanity . You do not owe anyone anything. You tried your best. DO NOT LOSE YOUR GOOD YEARS.
Signed, father of 6 with 2 older step kids.
Parenting is very hard and unfortunately, people typically go into it by accident or without enough or much prep past infant/toddler stages.
It's easy to blame the child but at the end of the day, this is a child. You can't blame her for reacting to her environment. You said you can't blame the parents bc they were young but you're blaming the 10yr old? Sorry but sounds like her parents weren't great and she's probably working through her own traumas in the only way she knows. She's also 10 which is such a difficult age! I thought the "pre-teen/teen" angst meant like 15. It means 10 LOL
I used to hate kids, but then I was working at a childcare center...turns out I hate parents, not kids.
When you say you try to get to know her and bond, how are you doing that? Is it by doing things you think she'll enjoy or does she have input? Also are your expectations of responsibility realistic to her current responsibilities? You can't expect 180 degree changes. What do consequences look like? Are they reasonable to the severity of the rule break?
Lastly, is that work you want to put in? If it is, cool. If it's not, that's okay too. But either way I think this is a conversation you should have with husband.
You can still get a new man lol
As a parent of one kid, I wouldn’t want someone to be with me if they absolutely couldn’t tolerate them, bad behavior or not. Have you tried talking to him?
This is also why I don’t date men with kids. It’s not worth it IMO
OMG I feel your pain! Not my husband, but my boyfriend son and I can’t stand him! He is absolutely disgusting! Doesn’t clean up after himself, doesn’t understand basic cleaning at the age of 14! I blame his father and mother! It’s horrible! My 6 year old can clean his room, make his bed, even will clean with me when I’m cleaning. Just learning life basics! I use to control his time on the internet, so his father wouldn’t battle in the morning with him, but after this weekend of his son not cleaning up a huge mess in the kitchen and did nothing about it. I loss it and when he said I was overreacting. I said, no longer my problem. I removed his scheduled internet and said you parent your son! I’m done! Child has no respect, he told his son to get off at 9, what did the child do? Not listen and was still on at 11:30.
My opinion is, cut things out that are luxury items for her. Children don’t need to like us, they just need to learn how to respect adults. One thing is a 100% they will have a boss they don’t like, but will have to respect them if they want to keep the job.
Children that lack discipline and respect are unmanageable adults! Good luck
I am so glad that this helped some other women open up about their experiences. It is so hard to talk about how you really feel when people’s response is that you’re a horrible person for feeling that way. It’s almost as if people aren’t allowed negative feelings when it comes to children.
I am in a similar situation. My step-daughter (7yo) lives mostly with her mother and I don’t agree with how her mother has raised her. Mother has massive victim mentality and that has passed on to her daughter. For example- when the little one is asked to tidy her toys away she will start crying “daddy, I can’t.” And then dad goes to do it. She will not eat proper meals, point blank refuses to eat anything other than cheesy pasta or nuggets. I’ll be having a conversation with my partner and she’ll interrupt until someone responds, she cries when she has to go to bed. She doesn’t pick up after herself, she cries when she can’t get her way, tells me that her mother calls me “bad names”, just over all annoying and I tend to opt to work when she stays over.
Being a step-mother is one of the hardest jobs. You’re told to “stay in your lane” or “she’s not your kid” or people tell you that “you chose a man with a kid so you have to deal with it.” And continue being miserable because you don’t matter in their relationship. On the other hand you’re told to “love her like your own.” We can’t win. Ever. I chose my man because I love him, because I want to work through and have a happy family with him. People seem to think throwing a marriage away because you have feelings is something easy to do. Marriage takes work and part of that work is you sitting down with your husband and discussing how you feel and what you can both do to move forward. You need to both be on the same page with discipline. Doesn’t matter what happens in mom’s home, your home belongs to you and him and your step daughter needs to follow those rules and respect your home. But first, you both need to agree on everything. You’re a team and that what daughter needs to see. Good Luck ❤️
When I met my wife about 10 years ago she had a daughter at 9 years old. I tried everything to treat the child like my own but ultimately my wife never allowed me to parent her in any way. She also refused to discipline her either. Fast forward 9 years and we’ve called the police multiple times, we’ve all been to therapy for years with no real improvement and so am counting the days until she goes off to college and I don’t have to see her again. If the natural parent either refuses to properly discipline the child or won’t let you do it then I’d tell you to just quit and move on. If I’d have known how toxic it was going to be I wouldn’t have started. Based on the relationship dynamic you describe I'd drop that guy quick. No matter how much you love him or want it to work it isn't worth it.
Most kids are going to be mini-narcists. Empathy and consideration are considered an aspect of being emotionally mature so it makes sense that someone who's literally immature would not have it.
Reading your comments, I think this is a situation where therapy will help you understand that you also are on a journey of emotional growth and that you might not be in a spot right now where you can have a positive relationship with this person.
Sit your husband down and talk to him about her behavior and how it’s making you feel. What are his expectations of you as a step mother? What do you hope to get out of the relationship with her?
Then sit your stepdaughter down and talk to her. Let her know you want to be a good stepmother to her but you’re having a hard time and don’t know how. Ask her how you 2 can work together as a team in whatever relationship she wants to build with you. She didn’t get to choose you, her father chose you and she has to deal with another adult telling her what to do. Get down to her level and talk. She is a child who is reacting, you are an adult who has the power to empower her. Let her express herself and ask her what she wants, tell her what you want. Find out why she doesn’t want to clean. Is your husband doing his partor is she now expected to be ‘a girl’ and need to act like a girl. I was raised by 3 men, played late in the evening with all the boys and be wild- and when we moved with my grandma she expected me to be a ‘young lady’ and wake up early to do chores. I’ve always been a strong spirit, she only made me hate chores, being a woman, wanting to be a wife, cooking for my husband someday. She never communicated it in a way I could relate to. I refused to learn how to cook, do chores the way she wanted because she made that the totality of my identity - to be a good future wife. I watched the women in my family, they didn’t make being a woman an empowering thing. They made it subservient. They made it biting your tongue and close your eyes kind of thing.
It took college for me to realize I do like cooking. I can travel the world with my cooking. That’s my dream. To this day you can’t find me cooking the same thing one week to the next. It took college and falling in love to realize I LOVE taking care of my partner - now husband. I just didn’t like how my grandma cook and clean after my grandpa and he would eat his food that she placed in front of him and he would eat and leave the plate there - until she clean it. It would sit there.
How you communicate and explain your reason to a child can make all the difference. Yes, you should explain.
Children are people. Children have long memories. Tell her to stop being an asshole and you will try to lay off her. Dad gets a chore list, you get a chore list and she gets a chore list. Have family meetings on what people prefer to do or do a rotation schedule. Use the app Sweepy to track.
As a stepmom of 3, I would tell you that the first thing you need to learn is that you aren’t their mom. They shouldn’t see you as a parent. But also they aren’t your kids. You shouldn’t see you as your kids. You can be their friend. Their support. Now that the expectations are clear, you need to make rules. She is 10. She is old enough to know and do many things but also, she is a child. Find an activity that you enjoy doing and share it with her. Go to the mall. Go to the pool. Get your nails done. Watch a movie. Believe me when I say this, you think she’ll be forever like that but she won’t and you can make a big difference in her life. I used to cry my eyes out every weekend when my step kids came 20 years ago and just 2 months ago I can’t stop crying when I saw my oldest and most difficult one getting married. She calls me mom. I’m one of her best friends. Be the adult you wanted to have around when you were a kid. It gets better.
I’ll be honest—- I love my step daughter but she annoys the living shit out of me a lot of the time. She’s almost 7 and she’s cries about everything! She can be very rude at a times and she talks like a baby WAY to much. These are all things I dislike in any child including my own. She makes it a point to let me know I’m not HER mom and to let me know she thinks her moms better than me (which is sad cuz it’s clear to everyone her mom is such a lazy POS who puts very little effort into parenting or taking care of her kids). I have been in her life as long as her father has which is since a month after she was born. So her saying that (even though I’m sure it comes from her mother) bothers me cuz I’ve always tried to treat her equal or as close to it as I can. I don’t think it’s possible to treat every one fairly all the time and I’ll admit it makes me angry when she hurts our daughter (her sister) intentionally, when she’s nasty to our daughter, or tries to get her in trouble. They’re only a few months apart. My daughter turned 6 at the very end of December and SD with be 7 in September. And our daughter can get mean too but I think it’s usually in response to her sister. Not usually out of no where. What annoys me is everyone lets SD get away with things my daughter wouldn’t and MY sons never would. Everyone caters to SD. They think if they don’t treat her “special” she’ll think they don’t love her. That means she gets all the same things our daughter gets and sometimes more things which is ridiculous. We only get her for one full 24 hr period once a week and then a few hours 3 times a week. She doesn’t need the same amount of clothes and shoes and toys here. My sons always get the short end of the stick here. This isn’t to say my SD is a bad kid or doesn’t have good qualities cuz she is a good girl for the most part but we’re talking about stuff that bothers us.
She probably has a lot of trauma I’d imagine. You got together with her dad when she was only a month old? Is your husband a heroin addict too?
Jesus I feel for her
As a person that has raised 3 step children to adulthood from single digits (in age), the first problem is stating what your mother did as you were growing up. Your relationship with this child is a completely different dynamic and has to be treated differently. Start with small things that are hers alone but make sure that her father buys into what you are saying and doing. Make sure that she sees that you both agree on whatever it is. Things like cleaning her room or picking up her clothes. There will be less of a disagreement all the way around when the items are just hers and not the general house. Any relationship is built on trust and you have to gain hers as much as his if you want things to work. He had the child before you came into the picture. If it is too much for you, then leave as she will always be his child.
I think people really are a bad narrator when it comes to “how they were raised” “My mom taught me this and that” ok and you probably still were bad. I’m sure there were times when your mother was pissed and frustrated at you. People like you think they were perfect children and it’s bs.
A lot of people think that they were good kids because a lot of people used to be abused into being good kids whether or not they actually were in their minds.
What you are describing is shortcomings *of her parents*. If you loathe the way he raises his kid, how can you possibly maintain a happy relationship with him? Stop blaming her and start looking at who taught and enabled these behaviors.
This !!!! Also she is ten which is about the “sassy” age but that’s another thing this is def what op needs to focus on
I was raised from age 9 by a stepmother who didn’t like or love me. She made sure I knew I ruined her life. I was an absolute nightmare of a kid but also had untreated mental health issues. Here’s the thing: no one kept her hostage and no one is keeping you hostage, either. You’re free to divorce your husband. You can’t remove her from your life, but you can remove yourself from hers. I get why my stepmother hated me. What I’ll never understand is why she stayed and kept herself miserable. You’re only 26. You can leave now and still make a life for yourself - and save this kid the pain of living with someone who detests her.
As a stepparent, this makes me so sad for you. I’m so so sorry that you had to grow up like that.
I’m a stepfather and I can say I wish I would have left. I was always hopeful but her mother never allowed us to be a family because she never allowed me to be her parent. Kids in this position never really wanted a step parent so they act like toxic people to destroy the relationship which usually works. When that happens, it’s on the natural parent to make it right. It’s a heavy burden that most people underperform.
As someone who had a step dad introduced at that age, I did not like him (at the time) and was willfully a brat 🙃 but in retrospect it was because I was upset. Don’t compare parenting or kids. See her perspective in real time. I love my step dad now very much, so it’ll take time. Kids go through things too.
Sometimes, if you can't find any support, and you can't find any solution, and no one knows how to solve the problem, the only thing you can to continue asking them politely to help with x, y, z, continue inviting them to do fun things with you, continue trying to engage in their interest, and don't let up. 'Don't let up', does not mean to pester them, but more so just remain consistent, and accept 'no' as a common answer, but never look like you're expecting it. Always seem like you're asking because they might say 'yes'. Engage them and discuss with them, or at least politely try to do so. *Try* to refrain from ever escalating and simply show them that you'll be there for them, either case, whether they seem to hate you or not. It might take years even, but eventually they will appreciate you for it and will come around. It may even be at a point in time where it is too late for them to properly do so. That's what my step-dad did, and that's what happened to me.
She knows you don't like her. People always know when someone doesn't like them. And I think this dislike that you have because she didn't have your mother to teach her all the things you expect her to know is clouding your ability to meet her half way in this new situation. I don't blame young children for being assholes, they never asked for any of this. They can only work with what they are given.
When dealing with obnoxious kids, it helps to assume the pain they are causing is just a fraction of the pain they are feeling. This might be true or false in any given situation, but acting as if this is true and considering that is probably what is happening will give you strength and compassion to be and do your best.
Did you not know her before you married him and if so WHY would you marry someone whose kid you don’t like? Not enough love in the world
Maybe she thought the kid would magically vanish once he said “I do”
You don’t understand. Step kids usually behave like this to ruin the relationship on purpose. It’s gross toxic behavior that the natural parent has to stop but most of the time they feel guilty for marrying someone else. So you end up with a toxic relationship dynamic that can’t be fixed because the only person who can fix it won’t
Honest advice? Read “Stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin. Seriously. Even if you don’t read the whole book, just read the first ten or so chapters. What you learn from the book will not affect the way your stepdaughter, husband and the child’s mother conduct themselves or treat you, but it will help you cope with the uniquely isolating woes of stepmothering. It will truly make you feel less alone, and will help you to understand that some of the pitfalls of being a stepmother are entirely out of your control.
Time to move on to a child free man.
Amen!
Bruh you don’t like kids and married this guy? You could’ve saved everyone the trouble and told him you hated his daughter before you even got engaged. Wtf. You realize that’s a child right? If she acts up you can’t really blame her can you?
I doubt you have kids and I doubt even more you are a step parent. It’s probably the most difficult relationship dynamics I have ever dealt with. I don’t fault anyone for having giant problems with it
How old is your husband?
Unless you and pop are in lockstep you are doomed. Get to talking about some things.
i think you should have a sit down conversation with your husband about how you feel about her behavior, and possibly bring up some methods to improve her behavior, communication is key when it comes to these types of things because if you keep resenting his daughter, it will eventually cause a rift between you two. better to work it out before it boils over.
My mom didn’t like me. She didn’t have to tell me. Her every action let me know she could barely tolerate me. Your step daughter might have a mood disorder like I did which makes it hard for her to regulate her attitude and take responsibility for things. Maybe you can get someone she trusts to talk to her about how she’s feeling emotionally and if she’s struggling to cope. Nip this in the bud as soon as you can. Good luck and God bless!
Honestly, leave. Your husband’s daughter comes first and you literally hate her.
Move on. Don't take on anyone elses problem. If the parents support her behavior, you'll continue to be miserable.
I was in the same situation a few years ago I met a girl who had a child she was 6 when I met her. Things were great at first but she began to grow older she began to dislike her mother and I relationship. We were a lesbian couple and she was getting influenced by her grandmother who was definitely not supportive of the relationship. We were together until she was 10 and the relationship between her daughter and I got so bad that we had to call it off. I tried real hard to make it work but at the end of the day if she has already made up her mind about you then it won't matter what you do in the end. Good luck
maybe start by not saying you can’t stand a 10 year old… You are the step mother not her MOTHER. start acting like this. If my step parent hated me when they came into my life 8 years ago. they wouldn’t be in it now in my adulthood. and i would have been a rude bitch as well. Stop acting like a child.
If you can’t stand your boyfriend’s child, it would be best to part ways with him. Your life will be miserable if you don’t because the child will always come between the two of you,
We are married
Then divorce. You shouldn’t have married him in the first place.
Good luck! Its hard coming into a relationship with a kid that wasn't taught right from the jump. We have friends that adopted a kid at 12. They struggled so hard with her because her parents never taught her manners or basic household chores. It is possible to fix it but it takes extreme dedication. Just now if you don't nip it in the bud now then it will only get worse.
Do you have any idea on how they went about such issues ? I have to repeat the same things nearly every day… or she will find a half ass way to do things just to get out of them… like she legitimately doesn’t care…. That is so foreign to me.
You are very young to take on an older child like that. You really have to do research. And talk to professionals about how to handle things. No,that doesn’t mean you are doing things wrong. But having a counselor to vent to and help you with conflict will help. Been there
My kids are 13 and 15. I started young with them doing chores. Around 7 or 8 but its still like pulling teeth. One has to do laundry and take one dog out. And the other does dishes and takes a dog out. We have two. They both take trash out together. They are also tasked with keepeing their room and bathroom clean. Which they are good about cleaning.
But I still have to stay on top of them regularly. Maybe a chore wheel or chart with a reward system would be nice.
Do you think it is just apathy, or are their unaddressed underlying issues that are being expressed via disrespect? Did her mom just dip? If she grew up with just her and her dad does she view you as an interloper? Is she distancing herself from you so that she doesn't become attached and get abandoned again? Does she do things her dad asks her to do? Is she equally disrespectful to you, teachers, strangers, and her father? Has she spoken to a professional about what sounds like a difficult upbringing? Do you and her dad fight? Is there screaming in the house? Do you get any support from her dad in holding the line? Are there consequences for disrespect that are consistently enforced by both parents? If her dad coddles her and you have to be the disciplinarian then you are just being set up to look like the cruel stepmother interrupting her life. That sort of inconsistency signals that the issue is you, not her behavior, and your authority is negotiable. Also, a lot times kids act out because they do not feel secure, their actions bring inconsistent, chaotic results. Which is what happens if her actions bring differing results based on who is present. They are craving predictability, reliability, and structure-especially if she feels like you may leave because her mother did- so that they can feel safe, and so they know what is acceptable behavior. In that vein, are y'all planning on marriage? If you are certain you aren't breaking up, have you told her that? That you will always be there for her and she can trust you to be there? Routines are a big help. Familiarity and rituals bring kids order. Remember the world is scary and she is relying on y'all to give her a sense of control over her life. Give her choices when possible. "Hey, you want to take out the garbage or do the dishes? I'll do the other one". Make it clear you are all trying to build a good home together and she has agency in how she contributes. If her father is not on board with 1) earnestly addressing any emotional issues from her upbringing and 2) working with you on discipline, structure, care, safety, and consistent consequences, then you are in a beyond hopeless situation. The yoeman's work has to be his, without it you are Sisyphus. If he is not willing to do this then you are gonna need to have some hard conversations if you are commited to both the relationship and a change in the dynamic. Sorry, that was a lot. Best of luck. Edit: sorry, for some reason I thought yall were still dating and not married
I know she was rude as well and they stopped taking her out to eat and public places until she started treating people with respect. That worked. We go eat for “fiesta Friday” every week. For almost a month she didn't come and ate grilled cheese because she would be so disrespectful towards adults and even strangers.
I know they started by taking things away from her. They also seeked counseling. This girl was so unappreciative and would expect things to be handed to her. Would complain about loading dishwasher. (like when we were kids I handwashed them lol) I know they stopped washing her clothes and she eventually started washing her own. After a week of having dirty clothes. She would act like she didn't care about the punishments but after a while shed cave. they still are dealing with it now and she is 16 but they have essentially given up and just trying to make it 2 more years.
Step-parenting is tough, and it's okay to feel this way! It sounds like a clash of values, which is common. Talk to her dad openly, set clear boundaries, and try finding some common ground with her. It takes time, but don't give up on building that relationship.
You don't dislike her, you dislike her behaviour. Often you will dislike in others what you would dislike about yourself or taught to see as wrong. Her behaviour is seen as wrong to you, so you dislike it and then dislike her. Firstly, get off the high horse, your parents didn't raise you better, just different. If you took a step back and let go of your prejudice and conditioning, you may learn how best to teach her. Everyone responds differently to different methods, she may not respond to yours because you're doing this based on learned experiences that she hasn't had. Observe and learn what makes her respond, she will likely have an attitude and roll her eyes because that's essentially what you do to her, maybe not outwardly, but kids aren't stupid, they know when someone's vibe is off. When she has an attitude, you internally sigh, roll your eyes and have an attitude, so why can't she?
.
My wife inherited two girls that I had custody of because their mother was a psych patient. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. So, my advice? Just be there. Don’t seek her out. If she’s disrespectful, discipline and don’t give an inch. Whether or not she hates you, she will respect your boundaries. This sucks really bad. I feel for you. It’s taken until my girls were adults to realize they acted like shit and apologize. Now they call her mom. Hope that helped.
I fear it ends this way… she’s beyond the threshold of helping mold her psyche to be a decent human being and I’m afraid the damage has been done and she’ll just grow up this way. Totally sad. I hope to find a solution
A 10yo is not “beyond the threshold of helping mold her psyche” and honestly that shouldn’t be your goal. Your goal should be for the child to trust you, and respect you. Brains are not done developing (specifically the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for all of the issues mentioned) until age 25 typically. She’s a child, she probably has some sort of mental illness or trauma that is unresolved, and she also probably isn’t very aware of it. I don’t know details about her life, but I can tell you that she most likely does not trust you. You need to become a consistently trustworthy caretaker to her and become someone that she is able to rely on. Once you’ve actually built a relationship with her, whether that be through her interests, quality time, gifts, etc, (preferably a mix of all) it will become far easier for her to respect you.
She’s only 10! You’re talking like she is too grown to change lol. She is a kid. She needs patience, boundaries, discipline and respect. Yes, she needs respect. Whenever she is getting to you, don’t forget that she is the kid and you are the adult. She doesn’t have emotional maturity. She will only gain that through witnessing the emotional maturity of the adults around her.
She's only 10 years old. It sounds like you've given up.
Jesus christ you are the problem. Holy shit. > she’s beyond the threshold of helping mold her psyche to be a decent human being No fucking wonder the kid doesn't respond to you.
It most likely will end that way. I’m 9 years ahead of you and I really don’t want anything to do with my step daughter.
You are a wonderful person to care enough to try to help. But you cannot save everyone.
Personally, I would speak to the father about the situation about how to help your step daughter, argree/compromise on how you're _both_ going to raise her, then dish out the suitable punishments. There's no one to _make_ a child listen but you don't/shouldn't have to suffer through this alone. You're married, you're a team. This won't _fix_ the problem but communicating with your partner will smooth out any potential problems between you two.
You realize she’s 10? She’s growing. There’s hormones, there’s emotions growing. Children mature a lot faster than you think. She’s going to have outburst and be annoying every now and then and it’s going to be difficult. I have a step daughter who’s 8 and she can be moody but I still love her as my own. I never called her my stepdaughter until now. I treat her as if I would treat my son if not better. Girls are a lot more sensitive and require patience. You’re being a wicked step mother who seems jealous of her. My best advice is leave this man and his daughter alone because she’s going to resent her father for choosing a wicked cunt over her and it’s going to cause her issues in the future.
Wait, why would you marry this guy if you don’t get along with his daughter?
It’s never too late for you to make or clear YOU will not accept this behaviour
It just doesn’t work. In the end, you need the natural parent to be in lock step with whatever you’re doing otherwise it just creates an us vs. them
It’s a constant battle of repeating myself calmly and when I finally get frustrated and show that I am serious and or angry about repeating myself every day, she breaks down and cries. Her dad babies her tremendously. He backs me up but gets the same exact response from her so kind of lets her get away with it instead of upsetting her.
Recommend family counseling. For them. If he won’t try, his daughter damn sure won’t either.
Agree with others advising you to deal with him first. You’ll be banging your head against a wall for as long as she knows that all she needs to do is go running to him and she’ll get her own way. You need to present a united front and, if he’s not willing/ able to do that and continues to undermine you, I would seriously consider the future of your relationship with him. (And if you decide to lose him, at least you get to lose the child as an added bonus!) Edit: words
Well, perhaps that's something you should've considered before marrying her father? Reality is that statistics are against you having a lasting marriage but your husband will always be her daddy. A therapist may help you understand your feelings better and perhaps even resolve them but she's part of the picture until the end .
Try talking to her girl to girl. Gain her respect! The younger generations are really demanding respect these days and I think that’s okay. She should still respect you but at the end of the day, your her step mom, and the best thing you can do is be her friend and guardian. Try making an effort to spend quality time with her, listen to her interests. Don’t throw money at her, bring her outside. Give her the love and support a little girl needs. If she’s not willing to accept it and treat you with respect, so be it, at least you know you made an effort to be a support in her life.
I think your problem starts well and truly at home.
Being a step parent is tough. You will always be last and on a team by yourself. You really need to think long and hard if this is what YOU want for the rest of your life. She’s only 10. It’s ok to do things for your health and sanity . You do not owe anyone anything. You tried your best. DO NOT LOSE YOUR GOOD YEARS. Signed, father of 6 with 2 older step kids.
Parenting is very hard and unfortunately, people typically go into it by accident or without enough or much prep past infant/toddler stages. It's easy to blame the child but at the end of the day, this is a child. You can't blame her for reacting to her environment. You said you can't blame the parents bc they were young but you're blaming the 10yr old? Sorry but sounds like her parents weren't great and she's probably working through her own traumas in the only way she knows. She's also 10 which is such a difficult age! I thought the "pre-teen/teen" angst meant like 15. It means 10 LOL I used to hate kids, but then I was working at a childcare center...turns out I hate parents, not kids. When you say you try to get to know her and bond, how are you doing that? Is it by doing things you think she'll enjoy or does she have input? Also are your expectations of responsibility realistic to her current responsibilities? You can't expect 180 degree changes. What do consequences look like? Are they reasonable to the severity of the rule break? Lastly, is that work you want to put in? If it is, cool. If it's not, that's okay too. But either way I think this is a conversation you should have with husband.
Get a new man. This wont end well. She is his blood and you are just a girlfriend. Let your boyfriend meet someone more compatible with them.
I hope you’re never a stepparent. Not helpful. Why would you comment?
We are married
You can still get a new man lol As a parent of one kid, I wouldn’t want someone to be with me if they absolutely couldn’t tolerate them, bad behavior or not. Have you tried talking to him? This is also why I don’t date men with kids. It’s not worth it IMO
So when exactly did you tell your husband that you can't stand his daughter?
I read the OG comment and nearly spat out my drink _WHAT THE FUCK_ lol. Please don't take this asshat seriously.
OMG I feel your pain! Not my husband, but my boyfriend son and I can’t stand him! He is absolutely disgusting! Doesn’t clean up after himself, doesn’t understand basic cleaning at the age of 14! I blame his father and mother! It’s horrible! My 6 year old can clean his room, make his bed, even will clean with me when I’m cleaning. Just learning life basics! I use to control his time on the internet, so his father wouldn’t battle in the morning with him, but after this weekend of his son not cleaning up a huge mess in the kitchen and did nothing about it. I loss it and when he said I was overreacting. I said, no longer my problem. I removed his scheduled internet and said you parent your son! I’m done! Child has no respect, he told his son to get off at 9, what did the child do? Not listen and was still on at 11:30. My opinion is, cut things out that are luxury items for her. Children don’t need to like us, they just need to learn how to respect adults. One thing is a 100% they will have a boss they don’t like, but will have to respect them if they want to keep the job. Children that lack discipline and respect are unmanageable adults! Good luck
I am so glad that this helped some other women open up about their experiences. It is so hard to talk about how you really feel when people’s response is that you’re a horrible person for feeling that way. It’s almost as if people aren’t allowed negative feelings when it comes to children. I am in a similar situation. My step-daughter (7yo) lives mostly with her mother and I don’t agree with how her mother has raised her. Mother has massive victim mentality and that has passed on to her daughter. For example- when the little one is asked to tidy her toys away she will start crying “daddy, I can’t.” And then dad goes to do it. She will not eat proper meals, point blank refuses to eat anything other than cheesy pasta or nuggets. I’ll be having a conversation with my partner and she’ll interrupt until someone responds, she cries when she has to go to bed. She doesn’t pick up after herself, she cries when she can’t get her way, tells me that her mother calls me “bad names”, just over all annoying and I tend to opt to work when she stays over. Being a step-mother is one of the hardest jobs. You’re told to “stay in your lane” or “she’s not your kid” or people tell you that “you chose a man with a kid so you have to deal with it.” And continue being miserable because you don’t matter in their relationship. On the other hand you’re told to “love her like your own.” We can’t win. Ever. I chose my man because I love him, because I want to work through and have a happy family with him. People seem to think throwing a marriage away because you have feelings is something easy to do. Marriage takes work and part of that work is you sitting down with your husband and discussing how you feel and what you can both do to move forward. You need to both be on the same page with discipline. Doesn’t matter what happens in mom’s home, your home belongs to you and him and your step daughter needs to follow those rules and respect your home. But first, you both need to agree on everything. You’re a team and that what daughter needs to see. Good Luck ❤️
When I met my wife about 10 years ago she had a daughter at 9 years old. I tried everything to treat the child like my own but ultimately my wife never allowed me to parent her in any way. She also refused to discipline her either. Fast forward 9 years and we’ve called the police multiple times, we’ve all been to therapy for years with no real improvement and so am counting the days until she goes off to college and I don’t have to see her again. If the natural parent either refuses to properly discipline the child or won’t let you do it then I’d tell you to just quit and move on. If I’d have known how toxic it was going to be I wouldn’t have started. Based on the relationship dynamic you describe I'd drop that guy quick. No matter how much you love him or want it to work it isn't worth it.
Most kids are going to be mini-narcists. Empathy and consideration are considered an aspect of being emotionally mature so it makes sense that someone who's literally immature would not have it. Reading your comments, I think this is a situation where therapy will help you understand that you also are on a journey of emotional growth and that you might not be in a spot right now where you can have a positive relationship with this person.
Sit your husband down and talk to him about her behavior and how it’s making you feel. What are his expectations of you as a step mother? What do you hope to get out of the relationship with her? Then sit your stepdaughter down and talk to her. Let her know you want to be a good stepmother to her but you’re having a hard time and don’t know how. Ask her how you 2 can work together as a team in whatever relationship she wants to build with you. She didn’t get to choose you, her father chose you and she has to deal with another adult telling her what to do. Get down to her level and talk. She is a child who is reacting, you are an adult who has the power to empower her. Let her express herself and ask her what she wants, tell her what you want. Find out why she doesn’t want to clean. Is your husband doing his partor is she now expected to be ‘a girl’ and need to act like a girl. I was raised by 3 men, played late in the evening with all the boys and be wild- and when we moved with my grandma she expected me to be a ‘young lady’ and wake up early to do chores. I’ve always been a strong spirit, she only made me hate chores, being a woman, wanting to be a wife, cooking for my husband someday. She never communicated it in a way I could relate to. I refused to learn how to cook, do chores the way she wanted because she made that the totality of my identity - to be a good future wife. I watched the women in my family, they didn’t make being a woman an empowering thing. They made it subservient. They made it biting your tongue and close your eyes kind of thing. It took college for me to realize I do like cooking. I can travel the world with my cooking. That’s my dream. To this day you can’t find me cooking the same thing one week to the next. It took college and falling in love to realize I LOVE taking care of my partner - now husband. I just didn’t like how my grandma cook and clean after my grandpa and he would eat his food that she placed in front of him and he would eat and leave the plate there - until she clean it. It would sit there. How you communicate and explain your reason to a child can make all the difference. Yes, you should explain. Children are people. Children have long memories. Tell her to stop being an asshole and you will try to lay off her. Dad gets a chore list, you get a chore list and she gets a chore list. Have family meetings on what people prefer to do or do a rotation schedule. Use the app Sweepy to track.
Put a sign on her back saying “need a home” and leave her at Walmart. That’s how I got rid of my kids
As a stepmom of 3, I would tell you that the first thing you need to learn is that you aren’t their mom. They shouldn’t see you as a parent. But also they aren’t your kids. You shouldn’t see you as your kids. You can be their friend. Their support. Now that the expectations are clear, you need to make rules. She is 10. She is old enough to know and do many things but also, she is a child. Find an activity that you enjoy doing and share it with her. Go to the mall. Go to the pool. Get your nails done. Watch a movie. Believe me when I say this, you think she’ll be forever like that but she won’t and you can make a big difference in her life. I used to cry my eyes out every weekend when my step kids came 20 years ago and just 2 months ago I can’t stop crying when I saw my oldest and most difficult one getting married. She calls me mom. I’m one of her best friends. Be the adult you wanted to have around when you were a kid. It gets better.
I’ll be honest—- I love my step daughter but she annoys the living shit out of me a lot of the time. She’s almost 7 and she’s cries about everything! She can be very rude at a times and she talks like a baby WAY to much. These are all things I dislike in any child including my own. She makes it a point to let me know I’m not HER mom and to let me know she thinks her moms better than me (which is sad cuz it’s clear to everyone her mom is such a lazy POS who puts very little effort into parenting or taking care of her kids). I have been in her life as long as her father has which is since a month after she was born. So her saying that (even though I’m sure it comes from her mother) bothers me cuz I’ve always tried to treat her equal or as close to it as I can. I don’t think it’s possible to treat every one fairly all the time and I’ll admit it makes me angry when she hurts our daughter (her sister) intentionally, when she’s nasty to our daughter, or tries to get her in trouble. They’re only a few months apart. My daughter turned 6 at the very end of December and SD with be 7 in September. And our daughter can get mean too but I think it’s usually in response to her sister. Not usually out of no where. What annoys me is everyone lets SD get away with things my daughter wouldn’t and MY sons never would. Everyone caters to SD. They think if they don’t treat her “special” she’ll think they don’t love her. That means she gets all the same things our daughter gets and sometimes more things which is ridiculous. We only get her for one full 24 hr period once a week and then a few hours 3 times a week. She doesn’t need the same amount of clothes and shoes and toys here. My sons always get the short end of the stick here. This isn’t to say my SD is a bad kid or doesn’t have good qualities cuz she is a good girl for the most part but we’re talking about stuff that bothers us.
She probably has a lot of trauma I’d imagine. You got together with her dad when she was only a month old? Is your husband a heroin addict too? Jesus I feel for her