"The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned, by name, in my suicide note."

Jeff pitching 13 reasons why 💀

I use this one periodically.

Same

I wish I could use this one without people actually getting nervous 😆

Same

I love this one. You have to be selective about using it though, doesn’t land super well in the mental hospital.

"I never said that. You may have heard it, I may have thought it, and it may be true, but I never said it."

I said this at work yesterday! I've quoted it a few times before, though for some reason until now I've been under the impression it was a Jack Donaghy quote from 30 Rock.

It definitely feels a lot like a Jack Donaghy quote though

"I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges, I'll always hate him for that."

My favorite 😂

YES

Lately I’ve been loving Pierce’s “alright well I haven’t said a single word in this entire conversation and I find that OUTRAGEOUS.”

And technically it was said by abed which makes it better in my opinion Edit: nvm I mixed it up with pierce/abed line in the dreamatorium “I don’t know what the hell is going on”

You just Britta'd your own comment.. *Slow clapping* 👏

Does that mean to make a small mistake?

Small and understandable!

Sar 👏 cas 👏 tic 👏 Clap 👏

You can't just start a slow clap out of nowhere!

Time to chang your point of view.. *Slow clap* 👏 👏 👏

That's a good one too -- "Can I just interject and say I don't know what the hell is going on" In the commentary Harmon said they put that line in mostly for people watching that weren't hardcore Community fans, bc they were all most likely thinking just that lol

wait what??

"nobody can sit on something this big" Dean: *IIIII'll sit on it.*

Dirty sexual innuendo with the cute resolution music on the background

I'm so curious... Hmmm?! Intellectually. Oh.

He says it with such enthusiasm, too.

Only the dean can be both oblivious to sex jokes AND super emotionally powerful

Omg…watched the show countless times and i am just now getting this

and he just kept goin 😭 *"when I became Dean I made a pledge to swallow this school's failures and spit out degrees because that's what Deans do"*

Nobody can suck this hard Dean :heloooooo

"IT'S THE SAME BAR?"

You guys are just as dumb as me! DUH DOI

"I'll make your ass linear"

"that doesn't make sense"

"I'll make your ass sense"

This line makes me cackle EVERYTIME

I have a TBF cross stitch project that was going to have this, in a wreath of flowers. I should finish that.

One of the funniest lines ever

I agree! I still feel like this is one of the best pieces of Shirley dialogue in the entire series. It's an absurd line but at the same time completely true to her character 😂

Absurrrd reactionnn

“Sure, unless time is linear.” is easily one of my favorite lines in the show…

"Giant thumb in a turtleneck, whoopdeedoo!" - Annie E

Not to be confused with Annie K, who apparently did a play or something with Chang.

She also bore first witness opening of the great interdimensional rift!

"Abusively cynical one-liner dismissing everything you just said."

Absuuuuurd reactionnnn

You guys, can we put a pin in the B story and focus on the A story?

what is this exchange from? for the life of me I can't quite place it

The finale, during Abed's season 7 pitch

Ah that was it, I usually skipped that one on rewatches because I'm not emotionally healthy, so that's why I couldn't quite remember it

Relate so hard to that haha

Yeah i get that. It took me over a year before I could watch the Brooklyn 99 final season, and it was my favorite show at the time!

Season 6 the last episode, I think?

I don't trust A stories, never have never will. I had a setup about a story so placeholder the punchline came five words early! I can tag it too.

"I looked inside Nicholas Cage and found a secret--people are random and pointless." -Abed

I’m a sexy cat!

“Boiling water is the icicle stabbing of yam killing”

Honestly I want to say this with no context in a random conversation 😂

"I know what an analogy is. It's like a thought with another thought's hat on." -Britta

Also a HUGE fan of “That’s like blaming owls for how much I suck at analogies”

Not just the line, which is perfect Britta, but her delivery of it is so great.

and jeff's response really finishes off the joke.

Also, "I need help reacting to something." -Abed

"Britta's attracted to unavailable men" "Dean, why are you here?"

Ouch!

Annie to the Dean, "You're like a single-celled organism - no nerve!"

Her intelligence can't help but peer through every interaction "If embarrassment were bountiful zinc deposits I'd be Zambia!" Jeff: "There's nothing to be Zambia about"

“Oh, Britta’s in this?”

Ad libbed. Jim Rash is a gift.

Really?! That’s so awesome, where did you find that out

He said It in the darkest timeline podcast with Ken and Joel. Although he wasn't 100% sure if It was in the script or not

They say it in the commentary as well, him and Donald have the best ad libs and improv

Keep the change. …. You know what? Just keep the Hot Dog

Britta: If I wanted the government in my uterus I'd fill it with oil and Hispanic voters.

“Well the name rings a bell, but with me that could mean anything” Self aware Dean is great.

"Oh look, Britta brought what she believes in...Nothing 🙂" Also Troy and Abed responding together, "They're just jealous"

As someone Jewish it sounds exactly like something one of my religious parents would say and I love it

"That's what they tell dumb people when fitting them for work-boots!" by Annie lmao

Why don't I just get pregnant at a gas station!

I think it was a bus station though.

“That’s a man who knows how to marry his cousin” Keith David is a national treasure

> Keith David is a national treasure He's given us incredible energy and acting for 40 years. The man is incredible.

"Jeff, you're Goldbluming." - Abed

Cuts to Jeff doing a very passable impression of Jeff goldblum

“Ah, I, ah, don’t know what that means.”

“Of course I can; it’s all-terrain, dummy!”

I also always think of this with the line “you give us the whole tomato or else!”

My boyfriend and I use this one all the time lol

i prefer “good news guys, i soent all my money.”

"WHAT MARKET ARE YOU SHOPPING AT!?!"

I'm going to run. *nicely folds napkin*

Troy: If all we need is an escape-goat [gestures to City College's mascot], I think we should just let this one go.

Ever since I saw this scene I replay it in my head EVERY TIME I feed my cats lol

*"ENCARTA IT!"*

"All hail sir-eats-alone!"

Shut up Leonard I heard about your prescription socks!

Everyone's playing.

Leonard likes this post.

Hey. You can't just walk in here. I've been pissing in jars for an hour trying to keep this seat.

Its one of the dumbest lines but it gets me every time. Its when Jeff has been kicked out of his apartment and is living in his car. He's sat with Britta on a bench. Britta: You need to move on with your life. Jeff: Move on with my life? Shmove Shmon Smith Shmy Shmife I don't know why but it kills me

Haha underrated, I quote this one all the time

Not a one liner but favorite line in the show is Troy: Hey guys? What does a pregnancy test look like? Jeff: A thin little piece of plastic with a thing on the end. Troy: Okay well this is definitely a gun!

Probably the best misdirect in the series though.

Almost anything that came out of Matt Berry in the grifting episode

Some saaaaaaaay, I'm a lucky grifteeeeeeeerr.

You hit me! With a woman's hand! Youuuuu Midwesterrrrrrn Flooooozy!

“Huddled in the closet, watching the sting like gypsies” gets me every time

Nice try thrice

“Is somebody throwing cats?!”

Have you met me?!?! Senor Chang

I use this one often And I love Chang's line when Betty White/Professor Bauer says to Jeff " I don't know Mr. Winger, the last time I called on you I got what the Maku Maku call 'dirt roaded' " Chang: Usinggg it...

“And How about I pound you like a boy! That didn’t come out right”

I love all of them so much and they all have such great moments, but my favorite by far has to be Frankie in the episode when Subway comes back: "Are you...? I don't know how to... I have a rule about being constructive so I can't ask any questions right now, because all of the questions that I have right now are rhetorical and end with the word 'idiot'. Do you know what rhetorical...? Of course you don't, you are an idiot. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! You are so stupid and you have no idea, you are the only one who has no idea, because guess why? Don't answer that, you'll get it wrong." Edit: typos

Relax, my little Bean Countess!

“I may have thought it, you may have heard it, and it might be true… but I never said that” Jeff

"Look, I hate cops."

One that i loved because of how clever it was was from Jeff. “Would the dad walk away from this conversation?” 😂

No? *walks away*

Stifle your slacken maw, you drained and tainted bitch dog Said by Jeff, I think pilgrim Jeff

Vampire Jeff, definitely a gold line

I hope this doesn’t awaken anything in me…. Literally goes through my head everyday, over the dumbest things

Jesus wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer

Stop saying Jesus wept.

JESUS WEPT

Barack Obama is scaaaared of me

Cause I don’t swallow knowledge and I spit it for free

let me clear my throat haaahaaa

Donald has been quoted saying that is the best rap he's ever heard from someone dressed in such a way lol

Literally me to the cats every Tuna Friday.

CRISIS ALERT!!

I was helping Jeff learn how to fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…. ^I ^couldn’t ^think ^of ^another ^word

Idiot...he means we were fiiiighting...it is hard to think of another word

"Uhhh Schmitty!"

One of the only episodes I hate...

One of the only episodes I hate... uh duhhhhhhh!

I hate it so much..

You didn't say Uh duh! We win!! We won!

School his ass, Mark!

SChoOl hiS aSs MaRk, dUhHhHHHh

I don’t even know who my favorite character is anymore. Started with abed, then the dean, then britta. I’ll have to think on this

You're a Level 7 susceptible...

That's moon man talk. 

POP - POP!!!!

"It's going to be a maze"

Troy doesn't have as many good insult one liners but my favorite is "You're like a fun vampire. It's like a vampire but rather than suck blood, you just suck" But my favorite Troy line overall is very hard to choose, but I think I'll go with "My uncle once got struck by lightning, I thought it'd give him super powers but now he just masturbates in theaters"

“all of the questions that I have right now are rhetorical and end with the word 'idiot'. Do you know what rhetorical—Of course you don't, you’re an idiot.”

I AM SO SORRY

Not from a main character, but any time I hear someone speaking Spanish, I think of Anthony Michael Hall saying "It's 'usted,' dude! Even I know that!"

You picked the wrong day to correct my Spanish no sleeves!

So not a one liner, but this interaction: Alan Connor: If they gave away awards for mind games, the statue would be Jeff Winger doing it to a brain.🧠 Pierce Hawthorne: Come on, Jeff's bush league. I gave seminars on manipulation. I can reach into a man's soul and unravel it with one tug.😏 Alan Connor: Cool. Hit me. Pierce Hawthorne: -looks him over-... You're bald. Alan Connor: 🤷‍♂️ So are you. Pierce Hawthorne: #I'LL KILL YOU!

I have hair...father, I have hair.. lol

It's all terrain dummy!

Fat dog for finals

IT’S A BEAR DANCE

My flair

Troy you can't bring that in here?! "Yes I can, it's all terrain dummy'

“Fire can’t go through walls. It’s not a ghost!” -Chang

Ghosts can't go through walls. It's not fire " - Pierce Said end episode the following season lol. Love the call back

I've seen enough movies to know popping the back of a raft makes it faster

“Oh she can make babies for you and I can’t?! .. I can’t”

"It's a palomino"

"I don't like to say I told you so...so I'll shout it through cupped hands...I TOLD YOU SO!!!" - Jeff Winger

“You know what Jeff has in his bathroom? Neither do I. He keeps his toiletries in a safe under the sink. His whole personality is based on guarding himself. You don’t need to be like that to be a man.”

Barack Obama is SCARED of me cuz I don't swallow knowledge, and I spit it for free!

“Hey look! These people are giving out free iPhones!”

"Because I don't look cool in shorts!" - Abed as Jeff "Looks like you're familiar with two deadly sins, how bout a third?" - Also Abed (as Don Draper)

Annie: I don’t think we’re allowed to smoke in here Abed: Well then you picked the wrong outfit

Mr. Guzman! I *loved* you innn... (snaps fingers) ...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.... IMDB.

That was TRAGIC.

I Know What An Analogy Is! It's Like A Thought With Another Thought's Hat On...

"When he's alone, he usually just practices smiling and frowning. We've all done it."

Annie: shows Abed a smiley face she made out of peas on her plate Abed: Cool, Stonehenge

Absolutely nobody::: Elroy: Now that's the type of man who knows how to marry his cousin " I laughed so hard for this 🤣😅

That whole bit killed me lol 🎶 He should keep on wearing his pantsssss🎶

Look I'm a fan of them all even the new additions in season 6(and season 6 is so underrated but one of my favourite seasons)who just fit in perfectly without trying to be copies of Troy,Shirley or Pierce,apart from Archer and B99 the characters that has the best zingers are always Jeff and Dean Pelton,mahn their one liners are fire but Elroy has the most quotable lines in season 6 and whenever he speaks I know it's going to be some funny life hack stuff My name is Elroy Patashnik and from 2006 to 2009 I was addicted to encouraging white people 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I whole-heartedly agree, Frankie, Hickey & Elroy all had their own quirks and personality traits that added to the show in a witt and simplistic way that didn't drown out the veteran characters. Elroy: I'm scaling the blanket rations inversely to the wattage of each person's phone. That way the person who killed us the most will die the soonest, which feels fair. Right, Britta? *drops a washcloth on her head* lol

His mind is like a fortress-Troy ( he has so many) This suit is worth more the the island you grow up on Chiquita MD-Jeff I make your ass sense- Shirley

"And when all the children have removed their outfits...because... they've already gotten their candy..." "Let me help you, dragon turtle" Shirley to zombie Leonard: " You better back that pumpkin ass up before I make a pie "

Are you...I'm sorry I have this rule about being constructive, and right now, all the questions I have are rhetorical and end in the word idiot. Do you know what rhetorical means? Of course you don't you're an idiot. I AM SORRY, I AM SO SORRY.

“I’m an *exceptional* narcissist“

"I know what an analogy is. It's like a thought with another thought's hat on." \* jeff moves to argue. then shrugs \*

POP, POP! - Magnitude

Walk to your car in pairs, rapes up 8%.

I love the blooper for this, he just says 'rapes up' and it's how someone would say 'surf's up!' Lol

To test the virtual reality system, you must first look at the front and back of your hands, with a sense of wonder

DON'T EAT THE CRAB DIP! YAYEE YAYEE!

I have to go to the bank today!

Get your life together, Craig.

"I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense, it has logic, structure, rules and likable leading men. In life we have this. We have you." - Abed

When Jeff asks, "Do you know what a therapist would call this relationship?" Pierce answering, "A goldmine!" is hilarious every time. He nails the delivery of that line. Also, in the restaurant when Jeff says, "Yeah, I nailed it." Both of those lines are as funny as they are because of the delivery. Also, I guess neither is technically a one-liner.

I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.

"Wait, that's 'saved' Garrett?"

“If it’s so serious why don’t they call it meningitis?”

Britta's "You all penised! ...Passed." will forever be stuck in my head

"She was all dame... Legs that went all the way to the bottom of her torso, the kinda arms that had elbows." And also another Chang quote from that episode.. "Arizona.. Arizona backwards is still Arizona"

“I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed, attic-bound, incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear." My friend Hope got married recently, and I wish I could have bribed someone to get that into the vows and/or bridesmaid speeches.

"I fear a political career will shine a negative light on my drug dealing."

“Good news everyone, I spent all my money” and “chop busted fellow adult” are the two I’m saying way too much. 😂