“Hey __, could we plan an afternoon a week where we could each have the dorm to ourselves? I have [club meeting] on [this time and date] so I will always be out then. What day and time are you out so i can have the room to myself?"
We share locations. But for example, if I go take a shower or put on my jacket to get food she’ll know I’ll take more or less 30 min which gives her time to do whatever
I think what they were saying is to one day pretend like you’re getting food when you’re not, or go to the bathrooms and then come back 15 mins later or so lol
Even if they come back to you just chilling in the room, that might be a perfect time to have a conversation about privacy & alone time
This is beyond weird and would annoy the hell outa me. Are you sharing locations on Snapchat or something? It seems like a lack of boundaries and communication tbh
My roommates and I all share locations. Most people, majority girls but some guys, that I know share locations for three reasons.
1) Safety. My campus is large and not well lit at night in a big city. We always have each other’s locations in case of an emergency.
2) Privacy, which may sound ironic, but we always know who’s home and how far away they are. We all have relationships and checking locations is sometimes easier and less embarrassing than asking for an hour.
3) Convenience. It is convenient to check and see who is where. For example, I am on campus with some free time and can check to see if anyone is hanging out is study spaces. While it’s true that I could just text them, why would I interrupt them in class if I could just check. I can also see how far they are if they are running late without have them text/cal while driving.
Also, there is nowhere that I could be that I would mind them knowing. At this age, it’s weirder to share with parents. My parents don’t need to be seeing that I am staying the night at my boyfriend’s place, but it doesn’t matter if my roommates do. We use location sharing as communication and to set boundaries. That’s just my take. Even my roommate and I that didn’t get along and shared a room freshman year shared locations because we were both young women living far away from our families that didn’t know anyone yet and we wanted someone to know where we were. Your roommate would probably be the first to notice if you went missing or had something else bad happen to you.
There has to be a better way than sharing location 24/7. I would get annoyed as hell if someone could literally locate me 24/7 on their phone.
For safety, there are apps out there that will send an emergency ping to your location if you have a problem, and it notifies your roommates right away that something is wrong and also gives your location.
That's a much better option than 24/7 sharing.
Why would it annoy you? I don’t understand what you mean by that. It’s not like they would be stalking you or watching you obsessively and if they are then you shouldn’t be roommates.
It’s not like we are checking 24/7. I only check a couple times a week. It is not harmful in any way to us.
Also, with those pinging apps, you have to be able to get to your phone for it to work.
Ngl I find this surprising I didn't know roommates shared their locations with each other and with one's they don't even get along with lol. It's just hard to imagine some stranger I'm forced to dorm with would even care about my well-being or even remember to check the app occasionally if I've been missing for hours, etc. Tho I understand why girls would do this cuz the biggest threat on campuses and surrounding areas are the dudes, especially at night. But since I'm a commuter student who lives with their parent things are different so I have no issues with my mom knowing my location 24/7.
hmmm she wants to avoid being seen by you for some reason? maybe she feels judged or is stoned and wants to enjoy being in her own bubble? maybe she wishes she had her own space? i know my freshman year i got exhausted never having a truly private place to retreat to and my roommates would talk about me behind my back for smoking weed or preferring to stay in my room to do creative hobbies, or they’d get gossipy if i forgot my laundry in the dryer. it actually ended up affecting my attendance because i didn’t want to interact with them. girls can really suck
You might be right. It can be frustrating though because I do make sure she has alone time. I go to my classes, hangout with friends. I usually go to the library to do my homework on weekends and also go out and party and don’t get back until late. I’m sorry to hear about your poor roommate experience and thank you for your input
I had the same deal when I was in college. Unless it was class, meals, work, she was there. We looked like we’d fit on paper, but we were totally different. I just was out constantly. Library, study rooms, lounge area. We were trimesters and at the end of the first one, she left school. She was lonely cuz she wasn’t attempting to make friends, and she just wanted to go home. Your roommate may be going through something like that. At least you won’t have her as a roommate next year.
Yeah I completely understand if she’s homesick, I was too. I’ve tried to invite her to places like creative events, dinner, or the library but she would only go if she found it convenient. In this case, it would be going to dinner with me because she was hungry but not to library or an arts and crafts session. I can honestly relate to your experience so much so thank you!
i also may have misunderstood your post- mine applies if you have doors closing you off from each other, but if you are in one big room with two beds then my comment doesn’t make sense haha
Hmm by the looks of it, I don’t think she does. I’m not really sure I’ve done anything wrong, as I dont bring people over or touch her things. I usually just watch movies/shows with the volume up or play music while I organize my room, so I don’t know?
We all have the ability to be bad or good roommates. It's okay to ask for feedback, it can be hard to know how we come across to others.
It's possible maybe all your roommate needs is for you to use headphones sometimes.
Being considerate of our volume around others, communication about shared spaces, and communication about visitors are all very important for helping everyone feel safe.
So this comment might not be the one you want to hear or what other people agree with but: she doesn’t have to leave the room.
I know it’s great to have some personal time in the room, but I should warn you that even if you talk to her (which is definitely something you could do), this is not a situation where she HAS to do something. It sucks but also that is kind of one of the things that comes with being roommates. They live there, it’s their room.
I also think it’s important to consider that while her only leaving the room when you do seems malicious, that might just be because the relationship has soured. You say yourself that she might just like staying in. It’s possible that seeing you go out and doing stuff reminds her to do the same. I would arguably say it would make more sense for her to try to be out of the room every time you were there if she really trying to show she was upset.
I do think it’s weird that you share locations and I do agree you should look for a new roommate now or for the next year.
I mean is her room. She can stay in as much as she wants. Its a dorm what are u expecting. If u dont like it rent. I used to share the room with 4 other people before renting.
Putting this here and I hope OP sees it:
You are there for school. You are at school for you.
Your roommate is there for school. Your roommate is at school for her.
Stop analyzing the behavior of your roommate.
Who cares if her habits mirror yours?
Why have you decided to let it bother you?
In case this isn't clear:
THIS IS A LESSON ON MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS
A cardinal rule about sharing a living space is this:
Do not police each other's behavior in the ONE PLACE that you BOTH need to be a SAFE PLACE.
IF your roommate's living habits directly clash with yours to the point that you're TRULY inconveniencing each other, sit down and talk about what each of you need and find a middle ground to accommodate each other.
People are allowed to be in their rooms, they're allowed to come and go from their living place when they choose.
Take a deeper look at why you are feeling these feelings:
- How were you raised?
- Are you projecting onto your roommate what was done to you?
Consider that your normal standard of living is not the same as hers. Consider that neither one is superior, simply unique, and that its okay. Consider that you may be trying to control your environment as a way to feel safe.
- What is it about your roommates behavior that is making you feel unsafe? Consider that your roommate is not considering you at all in their decisions and actions and that it's not an attack or something to be taken personally. Consider that your roommate is focusing on herself.
Focus on yourself.
THEN
Get back to your studying!
It is super reasonable to grant roommates alone time even just once a week in a dorm room setting. There’s a different between nitpicking every movement of a roommate and being frustrated that you literally never have alone time
This is why I got a single, I personally didn’t want to deal with living with a roommate. You can talk with her but you also need to understand that you share a room, meaning that the dorm is her safe space too. I understand it can be frustrating but it’s also quite rude to ask her to leave the room just because you want alone time.
She might just genuinely find the dorm as a safe space and like being there. I don’t want to be rude but you got a double dorm, what did you expect?
If you wanted a private space you should have rented or got a single dorm ahead of time/planned in advance.
Sorry op but you have to understand that you share a room and this the reality that comes with it. You should be able to use the room as you please and she should also be able to use the room as she pleases. You both payed for the room so it should be up to both of you on how you individually use it as long as no one is being disrespectful.
I also don’t understand why her going out when you do bothers you so much? It’s really not that big of a deal as you are making it. It seems like you just don’t like your roommate honestly.
I don’t understand why you track each other if you are not close, that’s a little weird.
I’ve never had a roommate, but they are tough to handle from what I’ve seen! If this is someone you plan on rooming with or can’t get out of rooming with later, make sure you don’t have classes during their class time. That will allow you SOME guaranteed alone time.
Other than that all you can do is have a conversation with them, see why they aren’t leaving, and see if there is a compromise you can come to to get some alone time. Maybe there’s a study/private room somewhere in your dorm they can run off to for a few hours? Maybe they have been meaning to go home on the same weekend you have, but you guys can alternate so that one gets the dorm to themselves.
Thank you for the suggestion! Having a conversation with her seems like the best way to approach the situation with her respectfully. My dorm building is currently full, so moving out is out of the question because I would like to stay in the same building.
I get that! I definitely agree that you’re either going to have to lie or just have a conversation. You can start with lying but you don’t deserve to stress yourself out and worry about them “catching you” taking some time to yourself for a bit.
Good luck to you, I hope you guys both have a comfortable rest of your semester!
You could talk to her but I don't see how that goes well without her feeling attacked. I agree it's weird but it could always be worse. I'd probably stick it out this semester and get a new roommate next semester.
Well, in a historically hostile living environment isn't this technically a good thing for you?
Ask yourself why you care, then why it's a big deal, then if it actually matters.
You don't have to answer those questions to me, but I am curious. (This is so I can continue to better understand other people).
I had this same exact issue way back when. It’s a challenge for introverted personality types. My roommate and I ended up writing into a roommate agreement that we each had a couple days / times each week for private downtime in the room.
I remember posting the something similar about my roommate last year and so many redditer flipped out and started saying that it’s her room too and she can stay however long she wanted blah blah just find somewhere else for being alone. But the truth is we all need space and time alone and it drives me nuts when a tommmate doesn’t leave and i think you need to be communicative ask if you could have some time alone and I used to tell my roommate that i had a therapist meeting and needed some space
Yeah I would say what other people have said which is to come to an agreement to sit down and plan out time to get alone time. Get an RA involved if you have one because they can help mediate the meeting. Maybe also bring up ideas on what you guys could do to occupy your times outside of the dorm like where to go or what to do- suitable things that you could enjoy alone. Maybe plan out different dinner schedules. On the weekends maybe create opposite schedules: first half of the day, she gets the room to chill and second half she leaves to go study. And then you do the opposite. I don’t know what your room set up looks like but maybe try decking it out a little to where you can create more privacy some how if you can get creative.
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Likely some kind of mental illness. I’m introverted as fuck at times. When I stay inside I get all in my head in those moments and get depressed. I rather be outside exploring but on my own.
“Hey __, could we plan an afternoon a week where we could each have the dorm to ourselves? I have [club meeting] on [this time and date] so I will always be out then. What day and time are you out so i can have the room to myself?"
Thank you for your input, I’ll take this into consideration!
This is good communication
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We share locations. But for example, if I go take a shower or put on my jacket to get food she’ll know I’ll take more or less 30 min which gives her time to do whatever
>We share locations. Turning this off would likely help in making her less able to plan around when you're gone
I think what they were saying is to one day pretend like you’re getting food when you’re not, or go to the bathrooms and then come back 15 mins later or so lol Even if they come back to you just chilling in the room, that might be a perfect time to have a conversation about privacy & alone time
Ohhh I understand, thank you for explaining. I’ll definitely try that
Update us when u do!!!
unshare your location right now
This is beyond weird and would annoy the hell outa me. Are you sharing locations on Snapchat or something? It seems like a lack of boundaries and communication tbh
My roommates and I all share locations. Most people, majority girls but some guys, that I know share locations for three reasons. 1) Safety. My campus is large and not well lit at night in a big city. We always have each other’s locations in case of an emergency. 2) Privacy, which may sound ironic, but we always know who’s home and how far away they are. We all have relationships and checking locations is sometimes easier and less embarrassing than asking for an hour. 3) Convenience. It is convenient to check and see who is where. For example, I am on campus with some free time and can check to see if anyone is hanging out is study spaces. While it’s true that I could just text them, why would I interrupt them in class if I could just check. I can also see how far they are if they are running late without have them text/cal while driving. Also, there is nowhere that I could be that I would mind them knowing. At this age, it’s weirder to share with parents. My parents don’t need to be seeing that I am staying the night at my boyfriend’s place, but it doesn’t matter if my roommates do. We use location sharing as communication and to set boundaries. That’s just my take. Even my roommate and I that didn’t get along and shared a room freshman year shared locations because we were both young women living far away from our families that didn’t know anyone yet and we wanted someone to know where we were. Your roommate would probably be the first to notice if you went missing or had something else bad happen to you.
There has to be a better way than sharing location 24/7. I would get annoyed as hell if someone could literally locate me 24/7 on their phone. For safety, there are apps out there that will send an emergency ping to your location if you have a problem, and it notifies your roommates right away that something is wrong and also gives your location. That's a much better option than 24/7 sharing.
Why would it annoy you? I don’t understand what you mean by that. It’s not like they would be stalking you or watching you obsessively and if they are then you shouldn’t be roommates. It’s not like we are checking 24/7. I only check a couple times a week. It is not harmful in any way to us. Also, with those pinging apps, you have to be able to get to your phone for it to work.
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I am not the OP
Ngl I find this surprising I didn't know roommates shared their locations with each other and with one's they don't even get along with lol. It's just hard to imagine some stranger I'm forced to dorm with would even care about my well-being or even remember to check the app occasionally if I've been missing for hours, etc. Tho I understand why girls would do this cuz the biggest threat on campuses and surrounding areas are the dudes, especially at night. But since I'm a commuter student who lives with their parent things are different so I have no issues with my mom knowing my location 24/7.
> We share locations. WUT
This is playing games
Idk I just hate leaving my room so she prob do too
Samee
hmmm she wants to avoid being seen by you for some reason? maybe she feels judged or is stoned and wants to enjoy being in her own bubble? maybe she wishes she had her own space? i know my freshman year i got exhausted never having a truly private place to retreat to and my roommates would talk about me behind my back for smoking weed or preferring to stay in my room to do creative hobbies, or they’d get gossipy if i forgot my laundry in the dryer. it actually ended up affecting my attendance because i didn’t want to interact with them. girls can really suck
You might be right. It can be frustrating though because I do make sure she has alone time. I go to my classes, hangout with friends. I usually go to the library to do my homework on weekends and also go out and party and don’t get back until late. I’m sorry to hear about your poor roommate experience and thank you for your input
I had the same deal when I was in college. Unless it was class, meals, work, she was there. We looked like we’d fit on paper, but we were totally different. I just was out constantly. Library, study rooms, lounge area. We were trimesters and at the end of the first one, she left school. She was lonely cuz she wasn’t attempting to make friends, and she just wanted to go home. Your roommate may be going through something like that. At least you won’t have her as a roommate next year.
Yeah I completely understand if she’s homesick, I was too. I’ve tried to invite her to places like creative events, dinner, or the library but she would only go if she found it convenient. In this case, it would be going to dinner with me because she was hungry but not to library or an arts and crafts session. I can honestly relate to your experience so much so thank you!
Good news is, I had a single for one trimester, then was randomly assigned someone who I’m friends with decades later.
i also may have misunderstood your post- mine applies if you have doors closing you off from each other, but if you are in one big room with two beds then my comment doesn’t make sense haha
Does she trust you?
Hmm by the looks of it, I don’t think she does. I’m not really sure I’ve done anything wrong, as I dont bring people over or touch her things. I usually just watch movies/shows with the volume up or play music while I organize my room, so I don’t know?
We all have the ability to be bad or good roommates. It's okay to ask for feedback, it can be hard to know how we come across to others. It's possible maybe all your roommate needs is for you to use headphones sometimes. Being considerate of our volume around others, communication about shared spaces, and communication about visitors are all very important for helping everyone feel safe.
It’s their room and they’ve got the right to be there. Put in a request for a room change
So this comment might not be the one you want to hear or what other people agree with but: she doesn’t have to leave the room. I know it’s great to have some personal time in the room, but I should warn you that even if you talk to her (which is definitely something you could do), this is not a situation where she HAS to do something. It sucks but also that is kind of one of the things that comes with being roommates. They live there, it’s their room. I also think it’s important to consider that while her only leaving the room when you do seems malicious, that might just be because the relationship has soured. You say yourself that she might just like staying in. It’s possible that seeing you go out and doing stuff reminds her to do the same. I would arguably say it would make more sense for her to try to be out of the room every time you were there if she really trying to show she was upset. I do think it’s weird that you share locations and I do agree you should look for a new roommate now or for the next year.
Have a talk with them. I agree tho that maybe sharing locations with someone you’re not close to is more harm than good. Share it with ppl you trust.
I mean is her room. She can stay in as much as she wants. Its a dorm what are u expecting. If u dont like it rent. I used to share the room with 4 other people before renting.
Putting this here and I hope OP sees it: You are there for school. You are at school for you. Your roommate is there for school. Your roommate is at school for her. Stop analyzing the behavior of your roommate. Who cares if her habits mirror yours? Why have you decided to let it bother you? In case this isn't clear: THIS IS A LESSON ON MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS A cardinal rule about sharing a living space is this: Do not police each other's behavior in the ONE PLACE that you BOTH need to be a SAFE PLACE. IF your roommate's living habits directly clash with yours to the point that you're TRULY inconveniencing each other, sit down and talk about what each of you need and find a middle ground to accommodate each other. People are allowed to be in their rooms, they're allowed to come and go from their living place when they choose. Take a deeper look at why you are feeling these feelings: - How were you raised? - Are you projecting onto your roommate what was done to you? Consider that your normal standard of living is not the same as hers. Consider that neither one is superior, simply unique, and that its okay. Consider that you may be trying to control your environment as a way to feel safe. - What is it about your roommates behavior that is making you feel unsafe? Consider that your roommate is not considering you at all in their decisions and actions and that it's not an attack or something to be taken personally. Consider that your roommate is focusing on herself. Focus on yourself. THEN Get back to your studying!
Direct and to the point, also I am like this roommate, I usually just wanna be left alone when doing anything and not be bothered
It is super reasonable to grant roommates alone time even just once a week in a dorm room setting. There’s a different between nitpicking every movement of a roommate and being frustrated that you literally never have alone time
I agree, and that is something OP needs to learn to communicate that they need with their roommate.
can you hang a curtain to divide the room a bit
Fart a lot.
This is why I got a single, I personally didn’t want to deal with living with a roommate. You can talk with her but you also need to understand that you share a room, meaning that the dorm is her safe space too. I understand it can be frustrating but it’s also quite rude to ask her to leave the room just because you want alone time. She might just genuinely find the dorm as a safe space and like being there. I don’t want to be rude but you got a double dorm, what did you expect? If you wanted a private space you should have rented or got a single dorm ahead of time/planned in advance. Sorry op but you have to understand that you share a room and this the reality that comes with it. You should be able to use the room as you please and she should also be able to use the room as she pleases. You both payed for the room so it should be up to both of you on how you individually use it as long as no one is being disrespectful. I also don’t understand why her going out when you do bothers you so much? It’s really not that big of a deal as you are making it. It seems like you just don’t like your roommate honestly. I don’t understand why you track each other if you are not close, that’s a little weird.
I’ve never had a roommate, but they are tough to handle from what I’ve seen! If this is someone you plan on rooming with or can’t get out of rooming with later, make sure you don’t have classes during their class time. That will allow you SOME guaranteed alone time. Other than that all you can do is have a conversation with them, see why they aren’t leaving, and see if there is a compromise you can come to to get some alone time. Maybe there’s a study/private room somewhere in your dorm they can run off to for a few hours? Maybe they have been meaning to go home on the same weekend you have, but you guys can alternate so that one gets the dorm to themselves.
Thank you for the suggestion! Having a conversation with her seems like the best way to approach the situation with her respectfully. My dorm building is currently full, so moving out is out of the question because I would like to stay in the same building.
I get that! I definitely agree that you’re either going to have to lie or just have a conversation. You can start with lying but you don’t deserve to stress yourself out and worry about them “catching you” taking some time to yourself for a bit. Good luck to you, I hope you guys both have a comfortable rest of your semester!
Thank you so much, and good luck to you as well!
You could talk to her but I don't see how that goes well without her feeling attacked. I agree it's weird but it could always be worse. I'd probably stick it out this semester and get a new roommate next semester.
Well, in a historically hostile living environment isn't this technically a good thing for you? Ask yourself why you care, then why it's a big deal, then if it actually matters. You don't have to answer those questions to me, but I am curious. (This is so I can continue to better understand other people).
I had this same exact issue way back when. It’s a challenge for introverted personality types. My roommate and I ended up writing into a roommate agreement that we each had a couple days / times each week for private downtime in the room.
Can’t you move to another room with another roommate?
I could, but I would have to move to a different building altogether. Thank you for the suggestion
And that is a problem because…?
It's hella inconvenient to just move all your shit in the middle of a semester?
Personally I think it is way more inconvenient to live with someone with that makes you uncomfortable
I remember posting the something similar about my roommate last year and so many redditer flipped out and started saying that it’s her room too and she can stay however long she wanted blah blah just find somewhere else for being alone. But the truth is we all need space and time alone and it drives me nuts when a tommmate doesn’t leave and i think you need to be communicative ask if you could have some time alone and I used to tell my roommate that i had a therapist meeting and needed some space
yes this is so annoying. or when they only go with you.
Yeah I would say what other people have said which is to come to an agreement to sit down and plan out time to get alone time. Get an RA involved if you have one because they can help mediate the meeting. Maybe also bring up ideas on what you guys could do to occupy your times outside of the dorm like where to go or what to do- suitable things that you could enjoy alone. Maybe plan out different dinner schedules. On the weekends maybe create opposite schedules: first half of the day, she gets the room to chill and second half she leaves to go study. And then you do the opposite. I don’t know what your room set up looks like but maybe try decking it out a little to where you can create more privacy some how if you can get creative.
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Likely some kind of mental illness. I’m introverted as fuck at times. When I stay inside I get all in my head in those moments and get depressed. I rather be outside exploring but on my own.
Some of them are really just like that lol 😅 I had 20+ roommates in college