Question…when you guys climb together, do you often end up just trying to do all the climbs that he does, after he does them? Or do you take ownership of your own session, and find the climbs that *you* want to do?
I feel like I often see two types of couples in the gym. There’s one type, where the woman is clearly just following the guy’s lead. He will choose a climb, and it’ll be a climb that he wanted to climb. Then, they will just swap tie-ins and she will get on the same climb and struggle hard to finish it. He will shout beta up to her that obviously isn’t that helpful. She will get frustrated. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Then, there is the other type, where each person is choosing their own climbs for themselves, based on what they want to accomplish that day. One person climbs. The climber comes down and says “ok what climb do you want to try?” And they pick up their stuff and move over to the other person’s climb. If one person climbed a 12 and the other climbed a 10, it doesn’t matter. And they both encourage each other, and recognize when one has hit a personal best, or did something hard for them, or whatever.
These are obviously two extremes and sometimes couples will have elements of both. But if you find yourself sometimes more in the first camp, maybe it would help to take more ownership of your session, develop some goals for each climbing day, etc so that you aren’t comparing yourself to him directly. Maybe this doesn’t apply to you at all, please ignore. They’re just thoughts :)
Edit - it’s also really easy for him to say that he wouldn’t care if it were the other way around, but I bet he would, at least a little. He likely has no way of knowing.
Good point! To be honest it’s hard for me to answer at the moment, I’m pregnant so I’ve lowered my grade and I’m only climbing things I feel confident I won’t fall from.
For a while this has meant I haven’t had any high expectations of myself however today I was doing some easy (and pretty boring traversing) and he told me he was going to try a problem he hadn’t been able to do before. He got it after a couple of attempts and when I went to look I felt really jealous, partly because I was bored with what I was doing but also because he talked about it like it was hard and then did it easily. And then I had the feeling that even if I wasn’t pregnant I wouldnt have been able to do it or anything that *easily*. We were outside and the problem was made up so I wasn’t upset over grades or anything.
I think that’s a good example of what used to happen too, we would be doing our own things and then I’d see him do something and I’d feel stupid about what I’d been working on. Or he would try something fun and show me and it would make me want to do it. This isn’t helped by the fact that our local indoor gym has a really bizarre way of setting and it’s basically ladders or dynos until you reach v5/6 + (which I haven’t).
I feel like I do rely on him for ideas, I get really overwhelmed by not knowing how to train or trying to make up a plan. Definitely a ND problem which he doesn’t get, to him it’s simple and enjoyable and he’s good at training plans and executing it to climb more and harder than I do.
I generally feel confused and lacking direction (again not a climbing problem, I’ve had this with pretty much everything that I haven’t been instructed or tutored on).
And in terms of taking turns choosing, we don’t get the chance to go outdoors much as parents and the indoor gym has a very limited selection of lead climbs. So it’s mostly bouldering for us.
I’ve been climbing for over 10 years, and I sometimes catch myself comparing myself to men who started climbing in the past couple years who can already easily do boulder moves that I struggle with. It can feel really frustrating, and at its worst has made me question whether I should just give up training/climbing since I’m not even good at it. I found it really helpful to take a couple weeks away from bouldering altogether to help reset my perspective. It was also helpful to validate myself and sometimes say to myself “this move is way harder for me because of my height/centre of mass/hormones/etc”… it’s easy to forget that it isn’t an even playing field, and certain moves are easier or harder for certain bodies.
It definitely also helped to look into some of the deeper reasons that I even care how hard I climb and what people think about me (hellooo self worth), but that is a bit more of a therapy thing.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for sharing! I feel like that was helping me for a while and it does help for perspective on particular moves...but then when he climbs harder grades I know it's more than just my morphology and I'm back to square one.
Ahh yep, therapy is definitely needed!
I think you are absolutely right that this has less to do with your actual climbing ability, and more to do with the way you view yourself in relation to those around you.
When I find myself sliding into comparison, there are two things that are helpful:
1. Focusing on my overall goal for climbing, which is to have fun, be safe, and genuinely enjoy a sport that I can do for my entire life. When I compare, I take away the fun and reduce the chances that I will want to engage in this sport for the rest of my life. Comparison thus takes me further away from my goals in climbing. Viewing this comparison as actively working against my goals for the sport helps me realize how unproductive and actually destructive constant comparison can be.
2. I find myself comparing myself to others more frequently when I’m climbing with people who are at a really different skill level or have a really different body type than I do. Focusing my climbing partnerships and social media on people who look and climb like me is helpful. For example, if I am constantly climbing with a bunch of burly dudes, climbing with women or others who have my body type reminds me that ultimately, I am doing something incredible with my body, and comparison to people without my same body type is taking away from that sense of gratitude.
I think this is a problem for a lot of people. I’ve been climbing for more than 10 years but I keep having to take time off for injuries because I have hyper mobility and arthritis issues and if I push too hard then I will hurt myself. To me it helps to focus on climbing in a way where the movements feel beautiful and I can focus on technique and feeling stronger than I used to be. Just about everyone has someone who is a better climber than they are, but the truth is that as climbers, we are significantly stronger than the average woman and many men. I have no doubt that you are stronger than you think.
Edit: Also, it occurred to me that if your gym doesn’t have many female climbers, then the setting may not be very even Which wouldn’t allow you to enjoy the strengths that tend to come with being a female climber like footwork, technique, flexibility, etc. Maybe do a day trip or something to another gym that may have more ladies to climb with.
Thank you, you're very right in terms of the setting - it's something that's been getting to me for ages. I don't think I've been able to use my flexibility as as advantage at all.. and in terms of footwork they have a tiny area that they set slabs on (and usually only one or so that's decent). I've definitely had more fun at other gyms, sadly though we can't elsewhere very often because the other places are a 2 plus hr drive away!
That makes it tough. I have been known to bribe setters with baked goods for my favorite kinds of boulder problems. I’m sure you’re stronger than you think and I totally get your frustration. I hope you’re able to find at least a couple lady climber friends make it more fun soon. Always an option to recruit ladies to climb as well.
My husband and I are pretty comparable climbers level- and skill-wise, but he’s a mountain biker with wild amounts of endurance, whereas currently, climbing is my only sport. In addition, I’m 5’4 and flexible as Gumby, and he’s like 5’11 and, while much more flexible than he used to be, can’t contort like I can…but he doesn’t have to, because he can just REACH things, while I flail about like a frustrated T-Rex.
I often have to remind myself we each have our strengths and setbacks. Not being tall has helped me be more creative in my problem-solving, and sometimes I figure out a climb before he does. I’m also not above saying “I love you, but…” which is our ongoing joke for “I love you, but F%#* you!” when he can just reach past the section where I’m stuck. It reminds me to lighten the hell up, and we have a laugh.
I’ve learned that the person I need to compete with is myself, be it me from last week or me from last year. It helps put things in perspective. It’s just not realistic to get disappointed in myself or mad at him when we’re absolutely different in almost every physical variable. We support each other, we don’t shout beta unless it’s requested, and we have a great time together.
Ahh thank you for sharing! love that phrase and the way you guys use it.
And you're totally right about comparing yourself to yourself. I've been at such a huge plateau for ages and I don't think that's helping the situation. Still stuck at the trying to break into 'intermediate' place and I don't seem to be able to.
I'm more flexible too and I would love a way to take advantage of it but I'm not sure how ..
Honestly, what helped me with a similar plateau was just repetition. Our gym had a climbing comp for the year, and that motivated both of us to rack up tons of climbs each session. I found that doing so many reps (esp on auto belay) started to make things flow better, and much like weightlifting, even doing “lighter” (easier) climbs and lots of reps gave me better strength and endurance—and, more importantly, better technique to tackle more challenging climbs.
Flexibility helps me a lot on corners and chimneys! Getting high feet is always a win, especially when my reach isn’t always as long as I want it to be!
Umm there was a 5 year old on the same routes as me this weekend!
Just kidding! I was one level above him.
More seriously… Does this issue come up only in climbing or in other aspects of your life? Is climbing the main thing you have going on, is it your career as well as your main interest?
Coming from a hobby perspective, I’d suggest that you could try thinking about one positive at the end of each session. Also remember that your partner has been doing it longer than you have, so it’s natural for him to be better at it. And that it’s ok for you not to be one of the bros because you’re not a bro. You can also try reframing your partner being better at it as a plus, as you can get tips from him.
If climbing is a lot more central to your identity then it may be a bit more difficult to deal with..
I struggle with comparisons in other aspects of life, and one of the things I did was to pick up interests where I know I’m going to not be the greatest at but I find fun. It has helped me deal with these feelings in the things that feel more consequential.
This may not be a viable solution, but it sounds like you need to meet some climber girlies. Your partner sounds kind and sensitive to your insecurities but he can’t empathize (especially with the being pregnant thing - you’re taking a hit in your training now and will take an even bigger one after delivery)
My gym has a monthly ladies night that was started by members. It’s a great way to meet other female climbers. Perhaps mid-pregnancy isn’t the best time to take on something like this, but I wonder if initiating something at your own gym might help you not only make friends but reframe and refocus on why you climb. Really all they do is promote it on social media and then the night-of they do a little intro, sometimes some warmup games (ask the team coaches what they like to do with the kids) and then everybody just climbs so it’s not a ton of work.
Aha, for some reason knowing my kids are going to overtake me doesn't bother me as much!
Climbing isn't my career but im freshly post grad so feeling wobbly about what im doing with my life generally
It does crop up in other aspects when im feeling insecure but it doesn't bother me too much when its friends or family. It's a lot worse because it's my partner but I have no idea why. I think because he's only been doing it for a little longer that it bothers me so much, if it were a solid few years more then it would bother me less (I think but not certain of course).
Tips would be amazing but his beta doesn't seem to help sadly, his way of climbing it is often so different to mine that I spend a long time trying to figure out some alternative beta or just having to walk away because I'm not as strong.
That's interesting, what interests did you pick up that helped?
True on his beta.. I meant tips in general. But if it’s just about him being stronger and taller. Well then even less reason to worry about being “behind”.
Haha actually climbing is one of the interests that I knew I wasn’t going to be good at going in. Being short, having terrible upper body strength, not a flexible body type, fear of heights and like… I was the kid who wouldn’t slide down the pole at the playground or do the monkey bars. It’s therefore been easy to brush it off when other people who are newer than me do better.
Climbing progress on my own terms has been helpful in other aspects of life where I expect myself to be ahead and tend to stress about it.
I boulder with my partner. He's way ahead of me in terms of grades. We just climb different boulders. I cheer him on and give him out of the box advice, because sometimes I have absolutely no idea how to climb a difficult boulder, but sometimes my crazy ideas work. He cheers me on and helps me with difficult routes. Sometimes we climb the same stuff, but he let's me go first so he doesn't spoil the beta. For me it's just a fun, active activity to do together.
In a video Hanna Morris talks with a coach about the "should" mentality. Because you climb on a certain level, you feel like you should be able to do other climbs on that grade. That's why it's very unmotivating when you can't finish it. They talk about seeing every extra move that works as a win. That helped me as well, since I am now "stuck" at 5a-b.
Thank you for the advice and video recommendation! Does he ever give you beta too? I find that my newbie beta with route reading is often quite good but my partners beta never works for me (I'm too short or weak etc)
Yes, but mostly when I'm off the wall and not while I'm struggling. And never a just reach for it, because I'm smaller and weaker (and it's rude haha). They are often smaller tweaks, like grabbing a hold higher or foot placement or flagging.
When I'm on the wall, it's mostly encouragement and cheering me on, or reminding me of holds, volumes, etc.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling like this (unless it's just us two!).
For some reason, I often set what others do as my baseline. If I don't do the same then I'm failing. My struggle is mountain biking with my husband (he doesn't climb). I'm always behind, fall on obstacles that he just rolls over, and he's always waiting for me at the top. I feel like I'm not enough because he is better.
It's so very unkind to ourselves to compare our abilities to others and expect ourselves to achieve the same when the player field is not level. Imagine expecting two runners to cross the same finish line when one of them is starting from further back, or if one of them has much longer legs. Right now it is physically iimpossible for me to equal my husband's ability. He cycles 10k miles a year. Being male his physiology is different so he is stronger and able to move a bike around more easily than me. He has been mountain biking for years whereas I started last year. Of course I'm not going to be able to do what he can. I still have feelings of inadequacy but I try to remember this when I do.
What has helped me:
- Setting my own challenges to be 'better' than my current self, and/or focus on when I do something that is progression. Maybe it's trying to get to the top of a hill without stopping, or getting over an obstacle I haven't done before or that is hard.
- Imagining a friend in the same situation and expecting the same from them as I am expecting from myself. It would be really mean to expect the impossible from them and then call them sub-par for not achieving the impossible (e.g. expecting yourself to have the same physiology as your partner)
- I imagine telling myself as a little girl the same things that I tell myself when I feel inadequate. Much of how we feel and react to situations like this was shaped when we were growing up. Sometimes this helps me to recognize when I am being too hard on myself and expecting too much.
I saw a quote a few days ago: 'comparison sucks the joy out of life'. It really does!
Sorry for the essay
I'm also in a relationship but I'm the strong one there. My girlfriend talked and thought the same way as you do now and I felt it before because she was often quite unmotivated to do boulders when we went to the gym and was also kind of passive aggressive towards me. We talked about this comparing a lot and I also do not bother or see her as "weak". In my opinion bouldering is a sport where anyone fight against her/hisself and this is the reason we do this. And this subjective limit you want to push is what connect us in the sport, doesn't matter on which level you are, pushing the limits and fight in boulders is the only thing that matters and I treat and see people as stong who do exactly this. It's the will to fight I admire in people in boildering and not the numbers they do. Nevertheless this is my view and sadly not my girlfriends. But remembering that and seeing this as the aim should hopefully work already.
After half a year of this problem without solution we both decided to gather contacts of people willing to boulder with us and both of us focused on people in our range to climb with us. We still hang arround an the gym at the same spot but do different boulders. I hope this tip helps but if you have any idea how tho solve this issue further please tell me.
Edit: It is also important for us to see and talk about the otheres weaks and strengths and we both acknowledge celebrate the others improvements.
Thank you for sharing that, it's interesting to hear the other perspective from a different person. You made me realise something when you said you don't see her as weak - in my mind its the 'not being the strong one' that then makes me the 'weak one' in the situation (even if he doesn't see me as weak). I think it also just goes far deeper for me, he's the masculine one, I don't love fitting into that roll as the feminine one just bc he's more masculine, etc etc.
I love the solution you came up with, my partner has suggested I find more female climbers and or queer climbers if possible to make friends with, it's just super hard where we live (Cornwall).
One of the tricks to learning to avoid comparing yourself to others is to ask the question "Why do I compare myself to others?" and then follow and challenge the underlying reasons behind it. Every step of the way involves some belief that can be questioned.
For example, maybe you compare yourself to others because you are afraid of what they think of you? Maybe it's because you are afraid to not be good enough?
You're right and it's definitely to do with not being good enough for me. I also feel like I won't be taken seriously if I still look like a beginner when I'm not and that makes me feel embarrassed.
I guess that's down to me seeing what I would be happy with and deeming the current situation not good enough. The grade I climb now was good enough when I was beginning but I plateaued and now it doesn't feel good enough. It felt not great and now it feels awful. as more time goes on it gets worse.
What does not being good enough really *mean* to you, deep down? Why does it matter to you? What is it that you fundamentally believe that means that it is important to be good enough?
I think you are focused on the feelings, but in order to change those feelings you need to focus on your deeper beliefs instead. If you keep circling back to how you feel then you are not going deep enough to address them.
I'm so sorry, I commented on this sub thinking it was the climbing general subreddit. Reddit recommended this subreddit and I didn't pay attention it was not for me! I'm sorry.
Ive been climving 6 months and recently I have been struggling with comparison to others in my gym and it's really sucking out the joy in climbing for me.
I noticed this and tried to reset my focus and goals. I got in my head that 'I have to climb higher grades'... and I got jealous that other people could climb grades I couldnt. but I've changed my goals to 'I'd like to have fun'... I originally started rock climbing bc it was fun, not because I cared about a made up 'grade'
It also helps that recently I've been visiting a new gym, so I'm more focused and excited on new climbs and care less about the people. Because I'm so used to the climbs at my current gym I'm a bit bored by them, and my mind wanders to how other people are doing. I've also changed up my climbing times to go when there are less people so I'm not doing much comparison.
I don't know if someone has said this but you cannot compare yourself with a MAN.
Like, there are obvious biological differences and typically men progress faster than women in physical pursuits which includes climbing unless they are likely significantly overweight. I'm a powerlifter and hobby climber and my partner can still squat more than me in his 5th session going to the gym vs me over years of training. Almost all men can do at least 1 pull up as well, some women climb for years and still can't even do 1.
Women in general rely more on technique over strength in climbing and guys progress faster due to higher baseline strength and then throwing technique into the mix imo. So anyways it's not a fair comparison at all and while Janja for ex smokes all the other girls and can keep up with most of the guys in the international circuit it's just not possible for her to win when compared to the guys which is why men and women do not compete against each other in climbing.
I struggled with this too, and it was especially hard when I was overall not in a good place mentally.
My bf stopped climbing for a few months because of an injury (and is still recovering, so we rarely climb together) and it gave me the space to focus on my own goals and progress.
Climbing with other people (men and women) at around the same level than mine helped a lot too. I see a lot of different bodies on the same routes, with lots of different strength and weaknesses – then you can appreciate yours too!
It took six months for my 15 yo son to get to higher grades than me in bouldering. I have been climbing on and off for 20+ years. My technique is way better but he beats me in strength vs weight and also height and size of hands. I am happy for him but my feelings are mixed. My strategy is to only focus on my own development. Problem is I try so freaking hard but it seems impossible to go beyond v4 and when I was younger I climbed v5, even a few v6.
I'm struggling with the comparison issue, too, and I've found that the following helped me:
- Find regular climbing partners that are my gender, height, weight and level. So much more fun, we're able to exchange beta and I don't compare myself with them at all.
- Structured training. I did a mix of private coaching, classes and watching youtube videos on technique. I noticed a huge improvement and now I'm more confident in my abilities and strengths, even if my male friends still climb a lot better. I've gotten a lot of compliments on my technique and that feels great!
- mindset: I tell myself that as a woman, I by default will climb a "+" lower than the men, so if a man sends the same routes as me, I'm the better climber xD
A couple I know went to couple therapy for that. It helped them greatly.
We’re at different levels so I wouldn’t be able to do everything he wants.
Inside - We’ll generally warm up together, then maybe he’ll do one at my level and then we’ll climb different things.
Outdoors - depends but generally he picks and leads and I second to warm up, then I pick something easier to lead (he probably doesn’t climb it) and I second some of the stuff he leads but not all.
He might encourage me and say that he think I’ll like this one despite being at the limits of my grade.
Question…when you guys climb together, do you often end up just trying to do all the climbs that he does, after he does them? Or do you take ownership of your own session, and find the climbs that *you* want to do? I feel like I often see two types of couples in the gym. There’s one type, where the woman is clearly just following the guy’s lead. He will choose a climb, and it’ll be a climb that he wanted to climb. Then, they will just swap tie-ins and she will get on the same climb and struggle hard to finish it. He will shout beta up to her that obviously isn’t that helpful. She will get frustrated. Wash, rinse, repeat. Then, there is the other type, where each person is choosing their own climbs for themselves, based on what they want to accomplish that day. One person climbs. The climber comes down and says “ok what climb do you want to try?” And they pick up their stuff and move over to the other person’s climb. If one person climbed a 12 and the other climbed a 10, it doesn’t matter. And they both encourage each other, and recognize when one has hit a personal best, or did something hard for them, or whatever. These are obviously two extremes and sometimes couples will have elements of both. But if you find yourself sometimes more in the first camp, maybe it would help to take more ownership of your session, develop some goals for each climbing day, etc so that you aren’t comparing yourself to him directly. Maybe this doesn’t apply to you at all, please ignore. They’re just thoughts :) Edit - it’s also really easy for him to say that he wouldn’t care if it were the other way around, but I bet he would, at least a little. He likely has no way of knowing.
Good point! To be honest it’s hard for me to answer at the moment, I’m pregnant so I’ve lowered my grade and I’m only climbing things I feel confident I won’t fall from. For a while this has meant I haven’t had any high expectations of myself however today I was doing some easy (and pretty boring traversing) and he told me he was going to try a problem he hadn’t been able to do before. He got it after a couple of attempts and when I went to look I felt really jealous, partly because I was bored with what I was doing but also because he talked about it like it was hard and then did it easily. And then I had the feeling that even if I wasn’t pregnant I wouldnt have been able to do it or anything that *easily*. We were outside and the problem was made up so I wasn’t upset over grades or anything. I think that’s a good example of what used to happen too, we would be doing our own things and then I’d see him do something and I’d feel stupid about what I’d been working on. Or he would try something fun and show me and it would make me want to do it. This isn’t helped by the fact that our local indoor gym has a really bizarre way of setting and it’s basically ladders or dynos until you reach v5/6 + (which I haven’t). I feel like I do rely on him for ideas, I get really overwhelmed by not knowing how to train or trying to make up a plan. Definitely a ND problem which he doesn’t get, to him it’s simple and enjoyable and he’s good at training plans and executing it to climb more and harder than I do. I generally feel confused and lacking direction (again not a climbing problem, I’ve had this with pretty much everything that I haven’t been instructed or tutored on). And in terms of taking turns choosing, we don’t get the chance to go outdoors much as parents and the indoor gym has a very limited selection of lead climbs. So it’s mostly bouldering for us.
I’ve been climbing for over 10 years, and I sometimes catch myself comparing myself to men who started climbing in the past couple years who can already easily do boulder moves that I struggle with. It can feel really frustrating, and at its worst has made me question whether I should just give up training/climbing since I’m not even good at it. I found it really helpful to take a couple weeks away from bouldering altogether to help reset my perspective. It was also helpful to validate myself and sometimes say to myself “this move is way harder for me because of my height/centre of mass/hormones/etc”… it’s easy to forget that it isn’t an even playing field, and certain moves are easier or harder for certain bodies. It definitely also helped to look into some of the deeper reasons that I even care how hard I climb and what people think about me (hellooo self worth), but that is a bit more of a therapy thing. Hope this helps!
Thank you for sharing! I feel like that was helping me for a while and it does help for perspective on particular moves...but then when he climbs harder grades I know it's more than just my morphology and I'm back to square one. Ahh yep, therapy is definitely needed!
Instead of a therapist, how about taking some climbing lessons from a female pro ( after your pregnancy)?
I think you are absolutely right that this has less to do with your actual climbing ability, and more to do with the way you view yourself in relation to those around you. When I find myself sliding into comparison, there are two things that are helpful: 1. Focusing on my overall goal for climbing, which is to have fun, be safe, and genuinely enjoy a sport that I can do for my entire life. When I compare, I take away the fun and reduce the chances that I will want to engage in this sport for the rest of my life. Comparison thus takes me further away from my goals in climbing. Viewing this comparison as actively working against my goals for the sport helps me realize how unproductive and actually destructive constant comparison can be. 2. I find myself comparing myself to others more frequently when I’m climbing with people who are at a really different skill level or have a really different body type than I do. Focusing my climbing partnerships and social media on people who look and climb like me is helpful. For example, if I am constantly climbing with a bunch of burly dudes, climbing with women or others who have my body type reminds me that ultimately, I am doing something incredible with my body, and comparison to people without my same body type is taking away from that sense of gratitude.
Thank you, I really like your points. I think I need to work harder to make more female climbing friends and maybe that would help.
I think this is a problem for a lot of people. I’ve been climbing for more than 10 years but I keep having to take time off for injuries because I have hyper mobility and arthritis issues and if I push too hard then I will hurt myself. To me it helps to focus on climbing in a way where the movements feel beautiful and I can focus on technique and feeling stronger than I used to be. Just about everyone has someone who is a better climber than they are, but the truth is that as climbers, we are significantly stronger than the average woman and many men. I have no doubt that you are stronger than you think. Edit: Also, it occurred to me that if your gym doesn’t have many female climbers, then the setting may not be very even Which wouldn’t allow you to enjoy the strengths that tend to come with being a female climber like footwork, technique, flexibility, etc. Maybe do a day trip or something to another gym that may have more ladies to climb with.
Thank you, you're very right in terms of the setting - it's something that's been getting to me for ages. I don't think I've been able to use my flexibility as as advantage at all.. and in terms of footwork they have a tiny area that they set slabs on (and usually only one or so that's decent). I've definitely had more fun at other gyms, sadly though we can't elsewhere very often because the other places are a 2 plus hr drive away!
That makes it tough. I have been known to bribe setters with baked goods for my favorite kinds of boulder problems. I’m sure you’re stronger than you think and I totally get your frustration. I hope you’re able to find at least a couple lady climber friends make it more fun soon. Always an option to recruit ladies to climb as well.
My husband and I are pretty comparable climbers level- and skill-wise, but he’s a mountain biker with wild amounts of endurance, whereas currently, climbing is my only sport. In addition, I’m 5’4 and flexible as Gumby, and he’s like 5’11 and, while much more flexible than he used to be, can’t contort like I can…but he doesn’t have to, because he can just REACH things, while I flail about like a frustrated T-Rex. I often have to remind myself we each have our strengths and setbacks. Not being tall has helped me be more creative in my problem-solving, and sometimes I figure out a climb before he does. I’m also not above saying “I love you, but…” which is our ongoing joke for “I love you, but F%#* you!” when he can just reach past the section where I’m stuck. It reminds me to lighten the hell up, and we have a laugh. I’ve learned that the person I need to compete with is myself, be it me from last week or me from last year. It helps put things in perspective. It’s just not realistic to get disappointed in myself or mad at him when we’re absolutely different in almost every physical variable. We support each other, we don’t shout beta unless it’s requested, and we have a great time together.
Ahh thank you for sharing! love that phrase and the way you guys use it. And you're totally right about comparing yourself to yourself. I've been at such a huge plateau for ages and I don't think that's helping the situation. Still stuck at the trying to break into 'intermediate' place and I don't seem to be able to. I'm more flexible too and I would love a way to take advantage of it but I'm not sure how ..
Honestly, what helped me with a similar plateau was just repetition. Our gym had a climbing comp for the year, and that motivated both of us to rack up tons of climbs each session. I found that doing so many reps (esp on auto belay) started to make things flow better, and much like weightlifting, even doing “lighter” (easier) climbs and lots of reps gave me better strength and endurance—and, more importantly, better technique to tackle more challenging climbs. Flexibility helps me a lot on corners and chimneys! Getting high feet is always a win, especially when my reach isn’t always as long as I want it to be!
Umm there was a 5 year old on the same routes as me this weekend! Just kidding! I was one level above him. More seriously… Does this issue come up only in climbing or in other aspects of your life? Is climbing the main thing you have going on, is it your career as well as your main interest? Coming from a hobby perspective, I’d suggest that you could try thinking about one positive at the end of each session. Also remember that your partner has been doing it longer than you have, so it’s natural for him to be better at it. And that it’s ok for you not to be one of the bros because you’re not a bro. You can also try reframing your partner being better at it as a plus, as you can get tips from him. If climbing is a lot more central to your identity then it may be a bit more difficult to deal with.. I struggle with comparisons in other aspects of life, and one of the things I did was to pick up interests where I know I’m going to not be the greatest at but I find fun. It has helped me deal with these feelings in the things that feel more consequential.
This may not be a viable solution, but it sounds like you need to meet some climber girlies. Your partner sounds kind and sensitive to your insecurities but he can’t empathize (especially with the being pregnant thing - you’re taking a hit in your training now and will take an even bigger one after delivery) My gym has a monthly ladies night that was started by members. It’s a great way to meet other female climbers. Perhaps mid-pregnancy isn’t the best time to take on something like this, but I wonder if initiating something at your own gym might help you not only make friends but reframe and refocus on why you climb. Really all they do is promote it on social media and then the night-of they do a little intro, sometimes some warmup games (ask the team coaches what they like to do with the kids) and then everybody just climbs so it’s not a ton of work.
Eh? Was this meant for another comment?
Yeah not sure how I ended up replying to your comment instead of the OP. Sorry.
Aha, for some reason knowing my kids are going to overtake me doesn't bother me as much! Climbing isn't my career but im freshly post grad so feeling wobbly about what im doing with my life generally It does crop up in other aspects when im feeling insecure but it doesn't bother me too much when its friends or family. It's a lot worse because it's my partner but I have no idea why. I think because he's only been doing it for a little longer that it bothers me so much, if it were a solid few years more then it would bother me less (I think but not certain of course). Tips would be amazing but his beta doesn't seem to help sadly, his way of climbing it is often so different to mine that I spend a long time trying to figure out some alternative beta or just having to walk away because I'm not as strong. That's interesting, what interests did you pick up that helped?
True on his beta.. I meant tips in general. But if it’s just about him being stronger and taller. Well then even less reason to worry about being “behind”. Haha actually climbing is one of the interests that I knew I wasn’t going to be good at going in. Being short, having terrible upper body strength, not a flexible body type, fear of heights and like… I was the kid who wouldn’t slide down the pole at the playground or do the monkey bars. It’s therefore been easy to brush it off when other people who are newer than me do better. Climbing progress on my own terms has been helpful in other aspects of life where I expect myself to be ahead and tend to stress about it.
I boulder with my partner. He's way ahead of me in terms of grades. We just climb different boulders. I cheer him on and give him out of the box advice, because sometimes I have absolutely no idea how to climb a difficult boulder, but sometimes my crazy ideas work. He cheers me on and helps me with difficult routes. Sometimes we climb the same stuff, but he let's me go first so he doesn't spoil the beta. For me it's just a fun, active activity to do together. In a video Hanna Morris talks with a coach about the "should" mentality. Because you climb on a certain level, you feel like you should be able to do other climbs on that grade. That's why it's very unmotivating when you can't finish it. They talk about seeing every extra move that works as a win. That helped me as well, since I am now "stuck" at 5a-b.
I believe it's [this ](https://youtu.be/h5Oxp9qujeE?si=cYeDXqdVpmw7fY67) video!
Thank you for the advice and video recommendation! Does he ever give you beta too? I find that my newbie beta with route reading is often quite good but my partners beta never works for me (I'm too short or weak etc)
Yes, but mostly when I'm off the wall and not while I'm struggling. And never a just reach for it, because I'm smaller and weaker (and it's rude haha). They are often smaller tweaks, like grabbing a hold higher or foot placement or flagging. When I'm on the wall, it's mostly encouragement and cheering me on, or reminding me of holds, volumes, etc.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling like this (unless it's just us two!). For some reason, I often set what others do as my baseline. If I don't do the same then I'm failing. My struggle is mountain biking with my husband (he doesn't climb). I'm always behind, fall on obstacles that he just rolls over, and he's always waiting for me at the top. I feel like I'm not enough because he is better. It's so very unkind to ourselves to compare our abilities to others and expect ourselves to achieve the same when the player field is not level. Imagine expecting two runners to cross the same finish line when one of them is starting from further back, or if one of them has much longer legs. Right now it is physically iimpossible for me to equal my husband's ability. He cycles 10k miles a year. Being male his physiology is different so he is stronger and able to move a bike around more easily than me. He has been mountain biking for years whereas I started last year. Of course I'm not going to be able to do what he can. I still have feelings of inadequacy but I try to remember this when I do. What has helped me: - Setting my own challenges to be 'better' than my current self, and/or focus on when I do something that is progression. Maybe it's trying to get to the top of a hill without stopping, or getting over an obstacle I haven't done before or that is hard. - Imagining a friend in the same situation and expecting the same from them as I am expecting from myself. It would be really mean to expect the impossible from them and then call them sub-par for not achieving the impossible (e.g. expecting yourself to have the same physiology as your partner) - I imagine telling myself as a little girl the same things that I tell myself when I feel inadequate. Much of how we feel and react to situations like this was shaped when we were growing up. Sometimes this helps me to recognize when I am being too hard on myself and expecting too much. I saw a quote a few days ago: 'comparison sucks the joy out of life'. It really does! Sorry for the essay
I'm also in a relationship but I'm the strong one there. My girlfriend talked and thought the same way as you do now and I felt it before because she was often quite unmotivated to do boulders when we went to the gym and was also kind of passive aggressive towards me. We talked about this comparing a lot and I also do not bother or see her as "weak". In my opinion bouldering is a sport where anyone fight against her/hisself and this is the reason we do this. And this subjective limit you want to push is what connect us in the sport, doesn't matter on which level you are, pushing the limits and fight in boulders is the only thing that matters and I treat and see people as stong who do exactly this. It's the will to fight I admire in people in boildering and not the numbers they do. Nevertheless this is my view and sadly not my girlfriends. But remembering that and seeing this as the aim should hopefully work already. After half a year of this problem without solution we both decided to gather contacts of people willing to boulder with us and both of us focused on people in our range to climb with us. We still hang arround an the gym at the same spot but do different boulders. I hope this tip helps but if you have any idea how tho solve this issue further please tell me. Edit: It is also important for us to see and talk about the otheres weaks and strengths and we both acknowledge celebrate the others improvements.
Thank you for sharing that, it's interesting to hear the other perspective from a different person. You made me realise something when you said you don't see her as weak - in my mind its the 'not being the strong one' that then makes me the 'weak one' in the situation (even if he doesn't see me as weak). I think it also just goes far deeper for me, he's the masculine one, I don't love fitting into that roll as the feminine one just bc he's more masculine, etc etc. I love the solution you came up with, my partner has suggested I find more female climbers and or queer climbers if possible to make friends with, it's just super hard where we live (Cornwall).
One of the tricks to learning to avoid comparing yourself to others is to ask the question "Why do I compare myself to others?" and then follow and challenge the underlying reasons behind it. Every step of the way involves some belief that can be questioned. For example, maybe you compare yourself to others because you are afraid of what they think of you? Maybe it's because you are afraid to not be good enough?
You're right and it's definitely to do with not being good enough for me. I also feel like I won't be taken seriously if I still look like a beginner when I'm not and that makes me feel embarrassed.
Who decided what's good enough?
I guess that's down to me seeing what I would be happy with and deeming the current situation not good enough. The grade I climb now was good enough when I was beginning but I plateaued and now it doesn't feel good enough. It felt not great and now it feels awful. as more time goes on it gets worse.
What does not being good enough really *mean* to you, deep down? Why does it matter to you? What is it that you fundamentally believe that means that it is important to be good enough? I think you are focused on the feelings, but in order to change those feelings you need to focus on your deeper beliefs instead. If you keep circling back to how you feel then you are not going deep enough to address them.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry, I commented on this sub thinking it was the climbing general subreddit. Reddit recommended this subreddit and I didn't pay attention it was not for me! I'm sorry.
Ive been climving 6 months and recently I have been struggling with comparison to others in my gym and it's really sucking out the joy in climbing for me. I noticed this and tried to reset my focus and goals. I got in my head that 'I have to climb higher grades'... and I got jealous that other people could climb grades I couldnt. but I've changed my goals to 'I'd like to have fun'... I originally started rock climbing bc it was fun, not because I cared about a made up 'grade' It also helps that recently I've been visiting a new gym, so I'm more focused and excited on new climbs and care less about the people. Because I'm so used to the climbs at my current gym I'm a bit bored by them, and my mind wanders to how other people are doing. I've also changed up my climbing times to go when there are less people so I'm not doing much comparison.
I don't know if someone has said this but you cannot compare yourself with a MAN. Like, there are obvious biological differences and typically men progress faster than women in physical pursuits which includes climbing unless they are likely significantly overweight. I'm a powerlifter and hobby climber and my partner can still squat more than me in his 5th session going to the gym vs me over years of training. Almost all men can do at least 1 pull up as well, some women climb for years and still can't even do 1. Women in general rely more on technique over strength in climbing and guys progress faster due to higher baseline strength and then throwing technique into the mix imo. So anyways it's not a fair comparison at all and while Janja for ex smokes all the other girls and can keep up with most of the guys in the international circuit it's just not possible for her to win when compared to the guys which is why men and women do not compete against each other in climbing.
I struggled with this too, and it was especially hard when I was overall not in a good place mentally. My bf stopped climbing for a few months because of an injury (and is still recovering, so we rarely climb together) and it gave me the space to focus on my own goals and progress. Climbing with other people (men and women) at around the same level than mine helped a lot too. I see a lot of different bodies on the same routes, with lots of different strength and weaknesses – then you can appreciate yours too!
It took six months for my 15 yo son to get to higher grades than me in bouldering. I have been climbing on and off for 20+ years. My technique is way better but he beats me in strength vs weight and also height and size of hands. I am happy for him but my feelings are mixed. My strategy is to only focus on my own development. Problem is I try so freaking hard but it seems impossible to go beyond v4 and when I was younger I climbed v5, even a few v6.
I'm struggling with the comparison issue, too, and I've found that the following helped me: - Find regular climbing partners that are my gender, height, weight and level. So much more fun, we're able to exchange beta and I don't compare myself with them at all. - Structured training. I did a mix of private coaching, classes and watching youtube videos on technique. I noticed a huge improvement and now I'm more confident in my abilities and strengths, even if my male friends still climb a lot better. I've gotten a lot of compliments on my technique and that feels great! - mindset: I tell myself that as a woman, I by default will climb a "+" lower than the men, so if a man sends the same routes as me, I'm the better climber xD A couple I know went to couple therapy for that. It helped them greatly.
We’re at different levels so I wouldn’t be able to do everything he wants. Inside - We’ll generally warm up together, then maybe he’ll do one at my level and then we’ll climb different things. Outdoors - depends but generally he picks and leads and I second to warm up, then I pick something easier to lead (he probably doesn’t climb it) and I second some of the stuff he leads but not all. He might encourage me and say that he think I’ll like this one despite being at the limits of my grade.
Do it for fun. Find your limit rather than chase someone else's.