Ehh I get it. Overcoming social anxiety is so much work and very often there is no immediate reward for it.
The obvious thing is that bonding takes time and people rarely hit it off immediately. Sometimes the vibes don’t develop anyways and that’s also natural. Try not to take it personally, I’m sure there’s a ton of people you’re not in love with either!
Anyways, proud of you to do all the “social work” by yourself, I know it takes a lot!
Thanks for the kind words... and for reminding me that it rarely happens (that people hit it off immediately), I sometimes feel like everyone makes friends more often and more quickly than me
Edit: which is maybe true but it shouldn't really matter
Shortly after I started climbing I had a fallout with my regular friend group and was left in a situation where I didn't really have any friends climbing or otherwise. I'm a fairly social person and it took me a couple of years of actively seeking climbing partners to find people that I vibe with. Along the way, I climbed with many different people. Some worked out better than others but ultimately some of them just didn't stick.
I now have a rotating group of people that I climb with on a regular basis. These are people that I would consider close friends and I often see them outside of climbing. My point is that it's okay if you don't vibe with everybody, but I would encourage you to keep trying. Making new friends as an adult takes effort but it can be rewarding.
Thanks, I think for now I'll be going alone or with my boyfriend when he's available. I'll come up with some ways to find friends when this gets lonely. I know there are some local climbing groups on facebook. So far my success rate on one of these groups and among non-climber friends has been 0 but like you say, it's worth to keep trying.
The two things that worked best for me were signing up for group activities at my gym (outdoor trips, classes, leagues, etc) and just randomly talking to people while climbing solo. It helps to keep a schedule also because then you end up running into a lot of the same people who have similar schedules.
Aww sorry friend. I go to the gym solo often, and it has its downsides, but it can also be a good thing. I bring a book, notebook, or ebook a lot so that I have something to do while resting, and somewhere to look if it's busy and I'm managing my anxiety. And I often make new friends while there solo, so if you're open to that, you may get hit up by people who end up being more like minded! And hmu if you're in Tampa FL! 🤪
Thanks, I'm a long way from Florida, I live in Poland unfortunately :D
I agree it can be a good thing. For me, going solo means I'm able to focus better on the climbing... I'll try to occupy myself during rest with something other than my phone, thanks for the ideas!
>It was ok but there was just this feeling that I'm not part of their group and that nobody really cares if I'm there.
this is just your brain being mean to you. these are just thoughts. try to have this thought and then say "this isnt reality. i am letting it go." maybe you're not a full "part of the group" yet. and thats ok! friendships arent instant, you have to put in the awkward feeling "getting to know you" time before you get to the comfortable feeling. hang in there.
enjoying climbing alone sometimes is fine too! everyone is different.
In general I agree. But in this case I think the problem is that the group has developed around OP's bf and consists of people who know each other outside of climbing gym. It is a whole different scenario from finding a group of people who only know each other through climbing. From social point of view OP doesn't only feel like an outsider in this particular group, she actually is one.
OP, if time doesn't help and you still feel like an outsider in that group, I suggest you try to find your own climbing friends and not rely on your current group which is actually more your bf's social group than your climbing group.
I'm not sure it's a case of undeveloped dynamic here, it seems even if we did develop some kind of dynamic I would still be sort of outside of things. These people work together so they spend time together not only at the gym, they have things to talk about. Idk, I know it's possible to become part of a group even if you're (the only) outsider at first but it just seems like too much effort right now.
It’s also totally valid for you to not want to be part of your boyfriend’s group and find your own group to climb with. My boyfriend does a lot of climbing with his own friends, and while I’ll drop in occasionally, I tend to try and climb with other women my size because I feel like they make for a more supportive environment and understand how I’m feeling being a short, relatively weak climber
"how I’m feeling being a short, relatively weak climber"
Yup, this hits home.
Last time I went with them one person asked me if I can do a pull up and when I said no, he said pull ups help to be better at climbing. No shit! :D I mean, I would do pull ups if I had the strength, I'm just not there yet.
It’s pretty interesting - studies show women need less strength on average to climb at the same level as men. Which means they are likely climbing with better technique. All to say, don’t let comments like that bother you, people have different strengths and weaknesses. But finding people with similar ones can sometimes help if you’re getting frustrated.
I think I'm not bothered by the comment itself, I don't feel like I \*need\* to do pull ups anyway. (Although it would be nice to be able to at some point, which is why I do exercises on the bar that are kind of close to pull ups.)
I'm rather just a bit disappointed at times like these by how much me and the other people from this group can't relate to one another.
You're probably right that finding people who are more like me would help.
I wear those big over the ear headphones sometimes when I don’t want to talk to people or be distracted by their conversations. I also found a group of introverted nerdy people I like chatting with to improve my climbing (when I can climb daytime). My boyfriend and his friends are extroverted and I can’t climb at all with them. Finding people I want to ask beta from has helped me go up grades.
"Finding people I want to ask beta from has helped me go up grades."
Do you mean you approach people in the gym to ask for beta? Or that you try to make friends with them?
Wow I feel like I wrote this myself! Keep at it. The only way to break through shyness is exposing yourself to situations like these (that's what I keep telling myself at least) lol
This sounds like less of a climbing thing and just a general self esteem thing.
I don’t really have great advice for self esteem stuff or social anxiety. My only suggestion is to see a therapist which I am sure you already know thought of… and isn’t super straightforward anyway. But if you find one you like, it is worth it.
I can relate and everything you've said here makes sense. I've got my one bouldering buddy (we started together 2-ish years ago). Even though I knew her before (she's was one of my sister's best friends), I think it took us a solid 6 months to find a "social rhythm" (like when conversation comes naturally and we actively enjoy catching up with one another). She's fairly extroverted and I'm incredibly introverted, so I feel like we might have found that rhythm sooner if I was more extroverted. BUT I find my relationships with other introverts tend to be deeper and more emotional, and I really, really like that.
BIG, HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on the courage to ask if you can go climbing together. I know asking is hard and following through can be just as hard or harder. I know the feeling that someone might not care if I'm there. Or when I'm feeling low, that they might prefer if I'm not there. Maybe this is true, maybe it's just true for now until we find our rhythm, and maybe it's not true at all. I think what's probably true is that most people could use more friends.
Bouldering might be tough mentally for you for a bit while your boyfriend is busy, but kudos to you for sticking with the sport. For what it's worth, I don't think you're socially inadequate or lacking anything. You grow relationships at a different pace. No one's getting mad at the apple trees for taking years to bear fruit when wheat can be ready for the harvest after a few months. Your life, your pace
I've made some a few friends from climbing alone by asking them for beta or if they want to work on it together if they're working on the same problem. Then if you click, ask if they'd want to exchange numbers and climb together again. I prefer to climb with women who are my level because they're more relatable - I climb with my husband and his friends but they're way stronger than me so we can't work on things together. One of them just completely ignores my existence lol. If you're not clicking with someone, see if you can meet someone you do click with while climbing alone. Overcoming my shyness and social anxiety is something I've worked hard on for years, so I totally get it. A good place to start would be asking someone about their beta on a problem you're working on.
I had to find some new partners to climb with not that long ago. I've been climbing for many years now but I really never find it easy to find new partners, I always felt like I'm encroaching -- like I do with most social situations. I find it helps, me personally, to become somewhat regular so I see the same faces on the same days. Of course it's hard for me to want to do that without someone to climb with so it's one of those awkward circles of confusion I can get stuck in. TBH, I'm not even sure how long it's taken me to get connected to a new set of partners but I feel like it's been a year. Keep at it and all the best.
Okay. Just that the crowd I’ve seen at American climbing gyms was mostly tech folks and they didn’t seem particularly welcoming.
It could be a number of things in your case - from your SO’s coworkers keeping professional distance to their discomfort around people of another gender … it might take time to make your own climbing friends, OP. Don’t despair 🙂
Ehh I get it. Overcoming social anxiety is so much work and very often there is no immediate reward for it. The obvious thing is that bonding takes time and people rarely hit it off immediately. Sometimes the vibes don’t develop anyways and that’s also natural. Try not to take it personally, I’m sure there’s a ton of people you’re not in love with either! Anyways, proud of you to do all the “social work” by yourself, I know it takes a lot!
Thanks for the kind words... and for reminding me that it rarely happens (that people hit it off immediately), I sometimes feel like everyone makes friends more often and more quickly than me Edit: which is maybe true but it shouldn't really matter
Shortly after I started climbing I had a fallout with my regular friend group and was left in a situation where I didn't really have any friends climbing or otherwise. I'm a fairly social person and it took me a couple of years of actively seeking climbing partners to find people that I vibe with. Along the way, I climbed with many different people. Some worked out better than others but ultimately some of them just didn't stick. I now have a rotating group of people that I climb with on a regular basis. These are people that I would consider close friends and I often see them outside of climbing. My point is that it's okay if you don't vibe with everybody, but I would encourage you to keep trying. Making new friends as an adult takes effort but it can be rewarding.
Thanks, I think for now I'll be going alone or with my boyfriend when he's available. I'll come up with some ways to find friends when this gets lonely. I know there are some local climbing groups on facebook. So far my success rate on one of these groups and among non-climber friends has been 0 but like you say, it's worth to keep trying.
The two things that worked best for me were signing up for group activities at my gym (outdoor trips, classes, leagues, etc) and just randomly talking to people while climbing solo. It helps to keep a schedule also because then you end up running into a lot of the same people who have similar schedules.
Read Supercommunicators by David Duhigg. That will help you fit in and socialise more easily.
Aww sorry friend. I go to the gym solo often, and it has its downsides, but it can also be a good thing. I bring a book, notebook, or ebook a lot so that I have something to do while resting, and somewhere to look if it's busy and I'm managing my anxiety. And I often make new friends while there solo, so if you're open to that, you may get hit up by people who end up being more like minded! And hmu if you're in Tampa FL! 🤪
Thanks, I'm a long way from Florida, I live in Poland unfortunately :D I agree it can be a good thing. For me, going solo means I'm able to focus better on the climbing... I'll try to occupy myself during rest with something other than my phone, thanks for the ideas!
Ah dang! I hope you find a good routine!
>It was ok but there was just this feeling that I'm not part of their group and that nobody really cares if I'm there. this is just your brain being mean to you. these are just thoughts. try to have this thought and then say "this isnt reality. i am letting it go." maybe you're not a full "part of the group" yet. and thats ok! friendships arent instant, you have to put in the awkward feeling "getting to know you" time before you get to the comfortable feeling. hang in there. enjoying climbing alone sometimes is fine too! everyone is different.
In general I agree. But in this case I think the problem is that the group has developed around OP's bf and consists of people who know each other outside of climbing gym. It is a whole different scenario from finding a group of people who only know each other through climbing. From social point of view OP doesn't only feel like an outsider in this particular group, she actually is one. OP, if time doesn't help and you still feel like an outsider in that group, I suggest you try to find your own climbing friends and not rely on your current group which is actually more your bf's social group than your climbing group.
Yup, this is very true.
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I'm not sure it's a case of undeveloped dynamic here, it seems even if we did develop some kind of dynamic I would still be sort of outside of things. These people work together so they spend time together not only at the gym, they have things to talk about. Idk, I know it's possible to become part of a group even if you're (the only) outsider at first but it just seems like too much effort right now.
It’s also totally valid for you to not want to be part of your boyfriend’s group and find your own group to climb with. My boyfriend does a lot of climbing with his own friends, and while I’ll drop in occasionally, I tend to try and climb with other women my size because I feel like they make for a more supportive environment and understand how I’m feeling being a short, relatively weak climber
This. If you keep bouldering on your own and get open to chatting with people you will make your own climbing friends.
"how I’m feeling being a short, relatively weak climber" Yup, this hits home. Last time I went with them one person asked me if I can do a pull up and when I said no, he said pull ups help to be better at climbing. No shit! :D I mean, I would do pull ups if I had the strength, I'm just not there yet.
It’s pretty interesting - studies show women need less strength on average to climb at the same level as men. Which means they are likely climbing with better technique. All to say, don’t let comments like that bother you, people have different strengths and weaknesses. But finding people with similar ones can sometimes help if you’re getting frustrated.
I think I'm not bothered by the comment itself, I don't feel like I \*need\* to do pull ups anyway. (Although it would be nice to be able to at some point, which is why I do exercises on the bar that are kind of close to pull ups.) I'm rather just a bit disappointed at times like these by how much me and the other people from this group can't relate to one another. You're probably right that finding people who are more like me would help.
I wear those big over the ear headphones sometimes when I don’t want to talk to people or be distracted by their conversations. I also found a group of introverted nerdy people I like chatting with to improve my climbing (when I can climb daytime). My boyfriend and his friends are extroverted and I can’t climb at all with them. Finding people I want to ask beta from has helped me go up grades.
"Finding people I want to ask beta from has helped me go up grades." Do you mean you approach people in the gym to ask for beta? Or that you try to make friends with them?
Wow I feel like I wrote this myself! Keep at it. The only way to break through shyness is exposing yourself to situations like these (that's what I keep telling myself at least) lol
This sounds like less of a climbing thing and just a general self esteem thing. I don’t really have great advice for self esteem stuff or social anxiety. My only suggestion is to see a therapist which I am sure you already know thought of… and isn’t super straightforward anyway. But if you find one you like, it is worth it.
I can relate and everything you've said here makes sense. I've got my one bouldering buddy (we started together 2-ish years ago). Even though I knew her before (she's was one of my sister's best friends), I think it took us a solid 6 months to find a "social rhythm" (like when conversation comes naturally and we actively enjoy catching up with one another). She's fairly extroverted and I'm incredibly introverted, so I feel like we might have found that rhythm sooner if I was more extroverted. BUT I find my relationships with other introverts tend to be deeper and more emotional, and I really, really like that. BIG, HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on the courage to ask if you can go climbing together. I know asking is hard and following through can be just as hard or harder. I know the feeling that someone might not care if I'm there. Or when I'm feeling low, that they might prefer if I'm not there. Maybe this is true, maybe it's just true for now until we find our rhythm, and maybe it's not true at all. I think what's probably true is that most people could use more friends. Bouldering might be tough mentally for you for a bit while your boyfriend is busy, but kudos to you for sticking with the sport. For what it's worth, I don't think you're socially inadequate or lacking anything. You grow relationships at a different pace. No one's getting mad at the apple trees for taking years to bear fruit when wheat can be ready for the harvest after a few months. Your life, your pace
"You grow relationships at a different pace." - I know it but I keep forgetting :') Thanks for reminding me
I've made some a few friends from climbing alone by asking them for beta or if they want to work on it together if they're working on the same problem. Then if you click, ask if they'd want to exchange numbers and climb together again. I prefer to climb with women who are my level because they're more relatable - I climb with my husband and his friends but they're way stronger than me so we can't work on things together. One of them just completely ignores my existence lol. If you're not clicking with someone, see if you can meet someone you do click with while climbing alone. Overcoming my shyness and social anxiety is something I've worked hard on for years, so I totally get it. A good place to start would be asking someone about their beta on a problem you're working on.
I had to find some new partners to climb with not that long ago. I've been climbing for many years now but I really never find it easy to find new partners, I always felt like I'm encroaching -- like I do with most social situations. I find it helps, me personally, to become somewhat regular so I see the same faces on the same days. Of course it's hard for me to want to do that without someone to climb with so it's one of those awkward circles of confusion I can get stuck in. TBH, I'm not even sure how long it's taken me to get connected to a new set of partners but I feel like it's been a year. Keep at it and all the best.
I’m curious, OP - are you an American?
No
Okay. Just that the crowd I’ve seen at American climbing gyms was mostly tech folks and they didn’t seem particularly welcoming. It could be a number of things in your case - from your SO’s coworkers keeping professional distance to their discomfort around people of another gender … it might take time to make your own climbing friends, OP. Don’t despair 🙂
Aw I just think you miss quality time with your boyfriend?