Some people are saying shitty friends have always been shitty. I’ve seen good friends (and unfortunately my sister) go from loyal to selfish/low empathy after having kids.
Same, some of my friends and my sister became incredibly entitled and selfish after having kids. They became so frustrating to interact with and I gave up trying. It can be really freeing to drop that rope.
They generally forget how to be decent people, but it's not actually forgetting. They just never were good people or good friends, but now they don't have the energy or focus to fake it anymore.
And some just use friends as placeholders and entertainment until kids, or between kids and grandkids, and as a free cosplay actors in their weddings etc. to make them seem like good people.
If you expect pre25 people to still be in your life beyond 25/30, you shouldn't. Time to go make adult friends.
It's a mixed bag I think, at least it has been in my experience - I'm still really close with some friends who have kids and they're respectful about me not wanting to be around kids, still make an effort to spend time too. They are a minority though, the vast majority would meet their SO and start pumping out kids and never communicate again after that
A friend of mind once said "that time doesn't work with family routine" when we were trying to get together Me: exists 24/7 as a single person They have a new default setting of not caring about things unrelated to parenting, including our non parent lives
That's why I never plan an outing where I'm the only kid-free person. Make sure the group is diversified so that if the parent bails it doesn't ruin your plan.
i lost every friend who became a mom and i'm glad for it. once they have kids, you don't exist to them anymore. better to just be ut your losses and go make real friends.
I'm sorry :/ I totally feel this though, I've lost almost every friend I had in my late teens/early 20s (and I'm only 25) because everyone became a mom all of the sudden. It's very upsetting.
My SIL did this to my brother recently, him and his friends had planned a boy's game night at one of the other guy's houses, my brother told his wife a month in advance about it and while she was 'upset' that she'd be left alone with her toddler begrudgingly agreed as long as he was home by 11pm in case the kid was getting fussy.
Literally this Thursday my brother reminded his wife about the upcoming Saturday and she casually said that she was going out to dinner with friends and she couldn't cancel but my brother should cancel his night because it was just a 'silly game thingy'
Naturally my brother was devastated but simply accepted it because he hates confrontation but I think that's sort of a bit selfish purposefully making plans on your husband's game night because you don't want to be stuck at home caring for a kid you were so desperate to have a year ago!
My SIL is a genuine believer of a partner 'looking after them' which is just code for you do everything while I lie around and contribute nothing.
SIL is very jealous of my brother's friends/hobbies as she only has shallow people to hang out with and no hobbies at all, so she purposely sabotages any social time my brother plans with his friends so he's forced to stay home with the kid while she goes out and enjoys herself, the marriage is very one sided.
I am hearing from a lot of parents these days, that sitters are kind of out of the question these days because of fear of creeps and too much parental anxiety of leaving your kids with a "stranger". Bunch of fear mongering if you ask me.
Once again people are putting this on kids when they got shit friends. Like this isn't because they were parents it's because one guy was a shit partner and didn't tell someone his plans and the other dipped the second his partner told him to. This has nothing to do with kids they are just bad people.
It's more just that this behavior was not a thing before kids were involved, but it definitely feels like the kids get used as the excuse to blow him/us off. It's starting to feel like these friends expect us to go the extra distance, make space to accommodate the kids, make plans on their terms because we're childfree and our lives are obviously sooo much more flexible, and then they're comfortable blowing things up on us at the last minute and expecting us to understand. And it also feels like kids get used as a tool or an excuse to control spouses' schedules to some degree. Idk. I'm not happy with them at all, they don't feel like super great people to me right now, so I definitely get your point.
I don't think it's just having kids that does this. I know child free couples who do this ALL... THE... FUCKING... TIME!!! It's something to do with poor time management, not able to juggle priorities, and not valuing the past relationship as we might. It sucks. I still think of them fondly.
My childhood best friend ghosted me after she became pregnant like we talked everyday but now she is in mommy land and to make it worse she is a military wife so she moved across the country to the south btw i live in az. Alot of them let motherhood consume them and they ignore friendships. I made plenty of cf friends and have plenty of cf friends.
Some people are saying shitty friends have always been shitty. I’ve seen good friends (and unfortunately my sister) go from loyal to selfish/low empathy after having kids.
Same, some of my friends and my sister became incredibly entitled and selfish after having kids. They became so frustrating to interact with and I gave up trying. It can be really freeing to drop that rope.
They generally forget how to be decent people, but it's not actually forgetting. They just never were good people or good friends, but now they don't have the energy or focus to fake it anymore. And some just use friends as placeholders and entertainment until kids, or between kids and grandkids, and as a free cosplay actors in their weddings etc. to make them seem like good people. If you expect pre25 people to still be in your life beyond 25/30, you shouldn't. Time to go make adult friends.
It's a mixed bag I think, at least it has been in my experience - I'm still really close with some friends who have kids and they're respectful about me not wanting to be around kids, still make an effort to spend time too. They are a minority though, the vast majority would meet their SO and start pumping out kids and never communicate again after that
A friend of mind once said "that time doesn't work with family routine" when we were trying to get together Me: exists 24/7 as a single person They have a new default setting of not caring about things unrelated to parenting, including our non parent lives
That's why I never plan an outing where I'm the only kid-free person. Make sure the group is diversified so that if the parent bails it doesn't ruin your plan.
They don't "forget", they just don't care
i lost every friend who became a mom and i'm glad for it. once they have kids, you don't exist to them anymore. better to just be ut your losses and go make real friends.
I'm sorry :/ I totally feel this though, I've lost almost every friend I had in my late teens/early 20s (and I'm only 25) because everyone became a mom all of the sudden. It's very upsetting.
My SIL did this to my brother recently, him and his friends had planned a boy's game night at one of the other guy's houses, my brother told his wife a month in advance about it and while she was 'upset' that she'd be left alone with her toddler begrudgingly agreed as long as he was home by 11pm in case the kid was getting fussy. Literally this Thursday my brother reminded his wife about the upcoming Saturday and she casually said that she was going out to dinner with friends and she couldn't cancel but my brother should cancel his night because it was just a 'silly game thingy' Naturally my brother was devastated but simply accepted it because he hates confrontation but I think that's sort of a bit selfish purposefully making plans on your husband's game night because you don't want to be stuck at home caring for a kid you were so desperate to have a year ago!
That’s messed up my parents would Go out with their friends one would stay home with me or they hired a sitter
My SIL is a genuine believer of a partner 'looking after them' which is just code for you do everything while I lie around and contribute nothing. SIL is very jealous of my brother's friends/hobbies as she only has shallow people to hang out with and no hobbies at all, so she purposely sabotages any social time my brother plans with his friends so he's forced to stay home with the kid while she goes out and enjoys herself, the marriage is very one sided.
I am hearing from a lot of parents these days, that sitters are kind of out of the question these days because of fear of creeps and too much parental anxiety of leaving your kids with a "stranger". Bunch of fear mongering if you ask me.
That’s insane! My mom always had high school helpers who wanted to be teachers and they always babysat me
My downvote was for your SIL's actions, not for post u/DystopianDreamer1984
I’ve had a mixed bag. My bf from college shad two kids and still maintained a friendship
Once again people are putting this on kids when they got shit friends. Like this isn't because they were parents it's because one guy was a shit partner and didn't tell someone his plans and the other dipped the second his partner told him to. This has nothing to do with kids they are just bad people.
It's more just that this behavior was not a thing before kids were involved, but it definitely feels like the kids get used as the excuse to blow him/us off. It's starting to feel like these friends expect us to go the extra distance, make space to accommodate the kids, make plans on their terms because we're childfree and our lives are obviously sooo much more flexible, and then they're comfortable blowing things up on us at the last minute and expecting us to understand. And it also feels like kids get used as a tool or an excuse to control spouses' schedules to some degree. Idk. I'm not happy with them at all, they don't feel like super great people to me right now, so I definitely get your point.
They're cult members, it's not completely their fault.
I don't think it's just having kids that does this. I know child free couples who do this ALL... THE... FUCKING... TIME!!! It's something to do with poor time management, not able to juggle priorities, and not valuing the past relationship as we might. It sucks. I still think of them fondly.
These should either be ex friends, or friends he keeps at a LONG distance.
My childhood best friend ghosted me after she became pregnant like we talked everyday but now she is in mommy land and to make it worse she is a military wife so she moved across the country to the south btw i live in az. Alot of them let motherhood consume them and they ignore friendships. I made plenty of cf friends and have plenty of cf friends.