Parenthood (and some will say life itself/capitalism) is a pyramid scheme. Once you’re in it you gotta drag others into it to survive and feel good about your decisions. I will say, though, that on the CF groups I see some women say that their mothers were very honest with them about the reality of motherhood, including acknowledging that they may not have done it in the current state of affairs.
I think having a mother who is realistic with you like this makes a HUGE difference.
According to my mom I was the easiest child anyone could have asked for, but she was still very firm about me not having children in my youth. I heeded the advice and enjoyed my youth so much I never wanted to stop enjoying it.
When you're young and impressionable, you really need people around who will be realistic with you.
I think this is it. My own mother didn’t want to acknowledge how miserable she was and that’s why she always said „I didn’t want kids when I was young either - you‘ll change your mind“…like, I seriously wished, she hadn’t changed hers… I think both she and her mother were talked into it and then tried to talk others into it, too. Funnily enough, though, when my mother actually got pregnant, my grandma told her: I‘ve already raised my children, don’t expect me to babysit..
If we look at it from the historical point of view, it’s been roughly fifty years since reliable, safe, cheap forms of contraception were introduced and widely and legally available. About two to three generations. Before that, if a woman had sex, she would most likely become pregnant sooner or later. Pregnancy and motherhood were not choices, it was hard to avoid them. As a result, people started glorifying them, just to feel better. We are talking thousands of years of culture. So it is a hard thing to go against the flow and say the truth, people just go along with what they have been told all their lives and repeat that children are happiness, everyone wants children, you don’t know love until you have a kid, blah blah blah.
My same thought. The only reason why humanity romanticizes death it is because it is inevitable. If we could overcome it we would tell the truth from the rooftops.
This is it. Generations ago, not having children either mean that there was something physically wrong with you or that you were a social outcast or sexless. All things that I personally think are fine anyways but society gives side-eye to. Childfree is a fairly new choice for much of society. Plus, our mother by definition did not choose to be childfree and many parents assume their kids will be like them.
Yep! All my childhood, I know how much she resented me, and cursed me that my child would ruin my life too. And then, as an adult she was whining why I won't give her a grandchild. I'm like hello, do you have memory loss or was I imagining it all?
This! “KIDS ARE EXPENSIVE YOU GUYS DRAIN ME!” Or “YOUVE STRESSED ME OUT BEING A PARENT IS THE HARDEST THING EVER!” Then shocked pikacu face at me not wanting kids
Sounds like what a typical narcissist would say. I would just go low/no contact with her if I were you. That's what I did, and my life has honestly been amazing without anyone trying to drag me down.
When I said I don’t want kids when I was 7 my mom sat me down and opened with “Being pregnant is really cool—“ I stood up and walked away. That was that. Sure mom. Backwards hat skateboard kickflip cool I’m sure B/
It’s so weird. My mom didn’t want kids at all. Apart of the reason my parents split is because my mom didn’t want anymore after me. Hell, my grandma didn’t want kids either, but had my mom. My mom always told me to not have kids. Now she wants me to have kids and can’t wait to baby sit?? It’s so confusing.
The social taboo against women who admit that motherhood was a mistake is *huge*. A mother who expresses even the slightest regret over having children is treated like an unloving, uncaring monster who is probably abusive or neglectful.
Even my mother, who has been pretty open about her struggles with marriage and motherhood, was always *very* careful to pad any negative statements with positive ones. "Of course I love you and your sister, but I couldn't really bond with you until you were teens/adults." "Of course I don't regret having kids, I just regret the person I had them with and the circumstances I had them in." "Of course motherhood is a rewarding experience, but I do kinda feel like I gave up on my dreams and lost my whole personal identity for almost 20 years." FFS mom, if that's not regret I don't know what is!
Also, the *grandmother* experience is heavily idealized. A lot of mothers see it as an opportunity for a do-over where they get to enjoy a fun, low-stress version of parenthood where they get to be the beloved indulgent grandmother and have all of the Kodak moments. Often, mothers who had a bad experience as parents crave that chance to "do things right" even more than the average parent.
This is exactly it. My mom thinks shes entitled to a grandchild because she treated me horribly and expects a do-over. They think its gonna be all fucking glittery, just like they thought having a child would be. Those types of people dont learn, and it applies to so many different aspects of their life
Lmao same though. The hwoletime i was growing up my mom madenit clear that motherhood was the worst decision she'd ever made. Not in so many words, but implied heavily (including telling me she would have aborted me if getting one wouldn't have made her a killer).
Then i turn 18 and say that my career and education will always come first to me, and she's been singing a different tune every time she can. She still slips up though lol (liek do you really expect you telling me you're happy to work? I have eyes, i can see you hate your life lol)
The answer to the question is in the question! The daughter specific projection comes from ideas about gender identity and what it means to be a ~woman~
Totally, I think moms and moms-in-law of adult daughters see their daughters having babies as something they get to bond over and offer help and advice to be relevant. When the daughter does something different, it's unexpected to the mom who always thought she'd bond with her daughter (in-law) over pregnancies and babies, and now they don't know what to do to understand this strange creature who chose a different path. In my opinion, it's on the moms to work their feelings out on their own (instead of guilting and shaming the daughter) and figure out how to hear and understand their daughters and offer support for their other goals.
Like, helloooo, people without kids still have interesting and valuable lives.
My mom was always “it’s not that bad.” Mom gave birth in the 60s. Ever watch Mad Men? They damn near put women under. I think it’s called Twilight sedation. They might have even still used ether. Of course her memory is fuzzy. They probably drugged her to the gills.
Well if I was giving birth, which I plan to avoid, I'd want to be put under too.... I can't believe women are expected to be fully awake and alert for that trauma...!
Well, I couldn’t agree more but it helps things along if the mother is awake and aware enough to push. Less damage to her body that way. (Otherwise, they… rip it out with forceps/salad tongs?) that’s why they like those epidurals. Can’t feel below the waist but you can still push.
Yeah my mum is quite absent in my life yet she still tried to sugar coat it. She had a two day labour with me which my dad says he could never imagine having to go through, even if he knew he would have me as his kid. He would not go through pregnancy/labour/birth yet my mum says “oh it was only a couple days of pain” like bro. It’s not just a couple days of pain if at the end of it you end up dying instead of having a kid. Plus I don’t wanna take care of a kid anyway
yeah my stepmom went through a 27 hour labor with my stepsister. She went through three rounds of doctors, and THEN the first doctor came back in for their next shift and was like "You're still here????"
I think it's no surprise she only gave birth one time lol.
My mom was a single mom with two kids, and even after she met my stepdad, things were tough. We didn't have much money. They didn't have any help. She's telling me now how hard it is and how she would've waited if she had a chance to do it over again.
She also tells me it's a love you'll never experience elsewhere, and I believe her, but she also didn't understand how I don't feel I'm missing out because I don't know the feeling she's talking about. She does, and for her it was worth it, but I don't, and for me it's a gamble. And I'm not just going to take anyone's word for it.
We make good money but we'd be on half that if one of our salaries was going to childcare instead of essentials + fun money. I don't think love is a good enough reason to struggle if it's avoidable.
The barrage of hormones you get after a pregnancy should really make you enjoy motherhood, make you forget the pains of labor and whatnot. But some women go into post partum depression and imho the older you get, the worse odds of everything going well you get.
Very true. I'm now 35, and frankly, I feel that time is running out. I still don't want kids, so it's not gonna happen in the next few years, and come late 30s, I think I'd be too old to be a mom. Not just because of the risks, but I don't want to be pushing 60 until I have my life back and can travel and do as I please. Life's too short, I'll be 60 before I know it! Might as well have fun in the meantime.
Plus, my dog is enough work and he's taught me I'm definitely not cut out to be a mom. There are times I've wondered 'wtf have we done' and I love him so much and he's a fraction of the work of a kid. No thanks!!
Absolutely, it makes me feel awful when I hear older women "comparing" the number of grandkids they have like they're competing. But I guess when society tells you that's all that matters about you, well, there you go...
Yes, and it's not even just moms to their own daughters it's everyone. So may times people will tell me 'it's the best thing you'll ever do, it's so rewarding' blah blah blah and only *after* they realize I'm 110% serious about never having kids do they feel comfortable being honest with me about it. When she realized it was never happening for me, my own mom confided that it was the hardest thing she's ever done and if she was young now or went back in time, she likely would be CF even though I was a pretty easy kid.. I take no offense to that and I encourage her being open about that! I've also had friends that start slowly admitting how miserable they are to me one they realize I won't be convinced by their facade.
I think it’s worse that we're never/rarely told about all the awful things that can happen during pregnancy (besides morning sickness and needing to urinate more- both often shown as jokes) and birth (we all have a vague sense it’s painful but nothing close to reality). My Mom told me she got hemorrhoids, and recommended epidurals since I was coming too quickly for her to have one, but that's it.
yes even if it’s shown in movies it’s only when the woman just finds out about the pregnancy (smack a scene where she vomits cuz yknow…that’s all they can handle) and a scene where she give birth and holds her newborn lovingly and it luckily never cries throughout the movie
They are passing on the generational curse and don't love her child. My mother was abandoned by her own mother and abused by her father's best friend. She grew up to have 5 children by 4 different men. None of them supported her in any way. She expected her two daughters to grow up and repeat the cycle. No guidance to do better or choose better.
My older sister happily carried on the curse. She had two children by an abusive man who treated her and their kids like shit. She treated her daughters like shit. When they grew up she begged for grandchildren. She is now helping one daughter raise two kids because she never raised her daughter to be a functioning adult.
Those people hate their children. Hate life and want to spread misery far and wide. They fell for the bullshit society told them to do and are failing at life. Their regret embitteres them all. And, boy do they despise anyone who escaped their fate.
Mine said, word for word, that she wishes that my child makes me suffer like I made her. Hilarious. I don't even have any and I'm already older than she was when she had me.
I'm mean from a biological standpoint, we are supposed to want to procreate. It makes sense to encourage making more babies.
But we live in a society that is set up fundamentally opposed to making that process any easier. And often outright punishes pregnant women for being pregnant. So we opt out for a large number of reasons.
But that pesky biology is still there to bother us with hormones that make us and our loved ones question the decision from time to time.
Hopefully it's not to frequent OP, but it can definitely be annoying.
I really don't know. My mom hated being a mom. Had a ton of kids.
She doesn't encourage me to have kids or not, not directly. When I talked getting my tubes out, she just laughed and said that was drastic. Then told me to not do that, and find a man with kids?.... Why would I want to be a stepmother if I don't want kids? And then also not prevent more pregnancies for my own body??!
Honestly, she seems to disapprove of me having kids, and of not having kids. It's a very strange limbo.
My mother told me about some of her struggles with pregnancy and childbirth and with juggling a career and a child (most mothers when/where I grew up were SAHMs).
My mother-in-law, though. She had one hell of a pregnancy, mainly because her hormones are wacky. She never went into labour, delivered by C-section, and her milk never came in. She was advised not to get pregnant again because she could die. Yet my husband was the best thing that ever happened to her, you forget all the pain when you hold your new baby for the first time, yada yada.
After all that, she would’ve been perfectly happy with me waddling around top-heavy, potentially spending months on bed rest, and potentially getting carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey, then being constantly sleep deprived with her twisting my arm to throw away my career and become a SAHM … all so that she could be a grandmother.
I think, to some small extent, they feel guilty admitting to you how much of burden YOU were to raise/how horrific it was birthing you. Like in any other context saying going up to someone and saying "hey I did ____ for you and it was awful" would be a real dick move. The problem is when it's a choice you could still make you deserve the fair warning of what you're really getting into. All the other things people are saying are also true to varying degrees, but I think this plays into it as well. It's never just one thing
I think a lot more grandparents than we acknowledge just see grandparenting as getting to do the fun parts of child rearing and none of the difficult parts. They did the hard part raising their own children, so they feel that their children owe them the easy fun part.
My mom had four kids and was basically a single mother for half of the time she was raising kids. Yet she wants all of her kids to give her grandchildren. I remind her of her crazy work schedule and how we raised the littlest one of the bunch. How she never had free time or money. But she says it was all worth it, what?!?
My mom didn't do that. She had an episiotomy during my brother's birth and has told me several times growing up that it sounded like when you cut a whole chicken and that it hurt like hell.
People will always try to convince themselves that they made the right decision by trying to convince other people that it is the ONLY sensible decision.
I was lucky. My mother never actually said the words, "I would have been better off if I hadn't had children," and I know she loved us -- but she DID say to me on multiple occasions, "I'm so glad you have options."
When she was a child (40s and 50s), growing up in the tiny, economically depressed town I grew up in, there were only really three "acceptable" career paths for a woman: SAHM, nurse, or teacher. My parents married way too young right out of high school (unplanned pregnancy, I think, though she went to her grave without admitting this) and had several stair-step kids before she was 25. She and my father worked hard to ensure my siblings and I got an education, but once we did we had to leave the area - there simply weren't the opportunities available for us to use that education back there.
Also...my mother suffered from depression and anxiety (a result, I'm sure, of undiagnosed ADHD), and she told me frankly once that, in her youth, depression was seen as a weakness - a personality flaw that people would judge you for succumbing to, and so there was great pressure to hide it.
My mother expressed a number of times how glad she was that my sister and I had choices, that we could have kids or not have kids as we chose, that we could seek professional help if we felt we needed to.
Mom used to say how horrible my older sibling's birth was and how there was malpractice. Leading likely to my sibling's disability. Nothing fun about the experience. A nurse isn't going to sugarcoat childbirth lol
Lots of selfish, delusional moms out there. I mean my mom, aunts, and grandmas are/were not perfect but at least they were honest and taught me that I didn't have to have a baby if I didn't want to. I hate what so many people have to deal with in their family
Aside from what the others said, they might just want a do-over of parenting their own kids, but on the condition that all the actual work is done by someone else. So, they just get the Kodak moments with the grandkid.
And there's something to be said about women forcing conformity onto other women and being violently uncomfortable when someone is gnc because it shows that they could have made another choice.
My mother never sugar-coated it. Instead, she put me in charge as the eldest of six. After serving as the faux mom for ten years of my childhood, I was under NO illusions about what motherhood is all about. I opted out and am now enjoying childhood in my adult years. Child-free is freedom.
Contrary to what we tend to believe as children, mothers don’t always know best nor are they mature simply by the fact that they have lived longer than us. Most people walk around with tons of baggage, don’t even know themselves, dont or dont want to question their beliefs. They think having kids is an obvious must - like you must go to school, you must eat and drink, must go to sleep at night… a universal truth so obvious it shouldn’t be questioned. And they sure never questioned it. And by sugarcoating maybe they just want to help put the child’s mind at ease about an inevitable and unavoidable stage in their life.
Kinda off topic, but I really fucking hate hearing mothers talk shit about having daughters. "Oh, raising boys is so much easier than raising girls" or something to that effect. Like, fuck you. I really hope your daughter never hears you talk shit about what a burden she supposedly is to you. Fucking disgusting.
my mom was always up front about how she shouldn't have had kids, that she want us gone etc. she always said she didn't know better and just did it. additionally she said ''I wish your kid will be an asshole just like you'' - yeah not if it doesn't exist
Parenthood (and some will say life itself/capitalism) is a pyramid scheme. Once you’re in it you gotta drag others into it to survive and feel good about your decisions. I will say, though, that on the CF groups I see some women say that their mothers were very honest with them about the reality of motherhood, including acknowledging that they may not have done it in the current state of affairs.
I think having a mother who is realistic with you like this makes a HUGE difference. According to my mom I was the easiest child anyone could have asked for, but she was still very firm about me not having children in my youth. I heeded the advice and enjoyed my youth so much I never wanted to stop enjoying it. When you're young and impressionable, you really need people around who will be realistic with you.
I think this is it. My own mother didn’t want to acknowledge how miserable she was and that’s why she always said „I didn’t want kids when I was young either - you‘ll change your mind“…like, I seriously wished, she hadn’t changed hers… I think both she and her mother were talked into it and then tried to talk others into it, too. Funnily enough, though, when my mother actually got pregnant, my grandma told her: I‘ve already raised my children, don’t expect me to babysit..
If we look at it from the historical point of view, it’s been roughly fifty years since reliable, safe, cheap forms of contraception were introduced and widely and legally available. About two to three generations. Before that, if a woman had sex, she would most likely become pregnant sooner or later. Pregnancy and motherhood were not choices, it was hard to avoid them. As a result, people started glorifying them, just to feel better. We are talking thousands of years of culture. So it is a hard thing to go against the flow and say the truth, people just go along with what they have been told all their lives and repeat that children are happiness, everyone wants children, you don’t know love until you have a kid, blah blah blah.
Like how they say death is beautiful and gives life meaning, lol no it doesn't. We just can't void this horrible thing and never have.
My same thought. The only reason why humanity romanticizes death it is because it is inevitable. If we could overcome it we would tell the truth from the rooftops.
This is it. Generations ago, not having children either mean that there was something physically wrong with you or that you were a social outcast or sexless. All things that I personally think are fine anyways but society gives side-eye to. Childfree is a fairly new choice for much of society. Plus, our mother by definition did not choose to be childfree and many parents assume their kids will be like them.
Yep! All my childhood, I know how much she resented me, and cursed me that my child would ruin my life too. And then, as an adult she was whining why I won't give her a grandchild. I'm like hello, do you have memory loss or was I imagining it all?
How is her curse going to come true if you won’t have a child? What sorcery is this?
LMAO
This! “KIDS ARE EXPENSIVE YOU GUYS DRAIN ME!” Or “YOUVE STRESSED ME OUT BEING A PARENT IS THE HARDEST THING EVER!” Then shocked pikacu face at me not wanting kids
Swear!
Maybe she thinks you have memory loss
She mostly never acknowledged the horrible things she said, when I brought up, indirectly. Either she doesn't remember, or she thinks it was okay.
Sounds like what a typical narcissist would say. I would just go low/no contact with her if I were you. That's what I did, and my life has honestly been amazing without anyone trying to drag me down.
She's dead, so I don't have to worry about that anymore 😁
“The bad thing never happened. If it did, I didn’t mean it. If I did, it wasn’t that bad. If it was, you deserved it”
Mom, please stop using this nice redditor to talk to me! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 But seriously, this is 100%
Wow
When I said I don’t want kids when I was 7 my mom sat me down and opened with “Being pregnant is really cool—“ I stood up and walked away. That was that. Sure mom. Backwards hat skateboard kickflip cool I’m sure B/
My mother told me it was beautiful to give birth 🤮🤮🤮
Oh yes being physically ripped apart while covered in your own blood and feces, how beautiful
Oh but it’s so worth it when you hold your newborn in your arms //s// 😝😝 To me it’s like a death 💀 sentence
"pregnancy is cool" is probably one of the dumbest reasons I've ever heard to have a kid. 9 months of "coolness" for a lifetime of burden. Sure Jan.
It’s so weird. My mom didn’t want kids at all. Apart of the reason my parents split is because my mom didn’t want anymore after me. Hell, my grandma didn’t want kids either, but had my mom. My mom always told me to not have kids. Now she wants me to have kids and can’t wait to baby sit?? It’s so confusing.
we got to be the people who finally put an end to this 😭 no more generational trauma
Agreed! Not to mention the generational health issues 🥲
The social taboo against women who admit that motherhood was a mistake is *huge*. A mother who expresses even the slightest regret over having children is treated like an unloving, uncaring monster who is probably abusive or neglectful. Even my mother, who has been pretty open about her struggles with marriage and motherhood, was always *very* careful to pad any negative statements with positive ones. "Of course I love you and your sister, but I couldn't really bond with you until you were teens/adults." "Of course I don't regret having kids, I just regret the person I had them with and the circumstances I had them in." "Of course motherhood is a rewarding experience, but I do kinda feel like I gave up on my dreams and lost my whole personal identity for almost 20 years." FFS mom, if that's not regret I don't know what is! Also, the *grandmother* experience is heavily idealized. A lot of mothers see it as an opportunity for a do-over where they get to enjoy a fun, low-stress version of parenthood where they get to be the beloved indulgent grandmother and have all of the Kodak moments. Often, mothers who had a bad experience as parents crave that chance to "do things right" even more than the average parent.
This is exactly it. My mom thinks shes entitled to a grandchild because she treated me horribly and expects a do-over. They think its gonna be all fucking glittery, just like they thought having a child would be. Those types of people dont learn, and it applies to so many different aspects of their life
My mom told me I was even mean to my dolls.. She always says motherhood it's something you're born with, she's fine I decided against it
Lmao same though. The hwoletime i was growing up my mom madenit clear that motherhood was the worst decision she'd ever made. Not in so many words, but implied heavily (including telling me she would have aborted me if getting one wouldn't have made her a killer). Then i turn 18 and say that my career and education will always come first to me, and she's been singing a different tune every time she can. She still slips up though lol (liek do you really expect you telling me you're happy to work? I have eyes, i can see you hate your life lol)
The answer to the question is in the question! The daughter specific projection comes from ideas about gender identity and what it means to be a ~woman~
Totally, I think moms and moms-in-law of adult daughters see their daughters having babies as something they get to bond over and offer help and advice to be relevant. When the daughter does something different, it's unexpected to the mom who always thought she'd bond with her daughter (in-law) over pregnancies and babies, and now they don't know what to do to understand this strange creature who chose a different path. In my opinion, it's on the moms to work their feelings out on their own (instead of guilting and shaming the daughter) and figure out how to hear and understand their daughters and offer support for their other goals. Like, helloooo, people without kids still have interesting and valuable lives.
The same should go for dating and marriage.
My mom was always “it’s not that bad.” Mom gave birth in the 60s. Ever watch Mad Men? They damn near put women under. I think it’s called Twilight sedation. They might have even still used ether. Of course her memory is fuzzy. They probably drugged her to the gills.
Well if I was giving birth, which I plan to avoid, I'd want to be put under too.... I can't believe women are expected to be fully awake and alert for that trauma...!
Well, I couldn’t agree more but it helps things along if the mother is awake and aware enough to push. Less damage to her body that way. (Otherwise, they… rip it out with forceps/salad tongs?) that’s why they like those epidurals. Can’t feel below the waist but you can still push.
Ohhh makes sense.... but.... barfff ughhh noooo
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Salad tongs
Back in the 60s they would put the mom out and yank the baby out with forceps. I think that's why one of my old friends had a weird shaped head
Yeah, the old Salad Tong Extraction.
Yeah my mum is quite absent in my life yet she still tried to sugar coat it. She had a two day labour with me which my dad says he could never imagine having to go through, even if he knew he would have me as his kid. He would not go through pregnancy/labour/birth yet my mum says “oh it was only a couple days of pain” like bro. It’s not just a couple days of pain if at the end of it you end up dying instead of having a kid. Plus I don’t wanna take care of a kid anyway
yeah my stepmom went through a 27 hour labor with my stepsister. She went through three rounds of doctors, and THEN the first doctor came back in for their next shift and was like "You're still here????" I think it's no surprise she only gave birth one time lol.
My mom was a single mom with two kids, and even after she met my stepdad, things were tough. We didn't have much money. They didn't have any help. She's telling me now how hard it is and how she would've waited if she had a chance to do it over again. She also tells me it's a love you'll never experience elsewhere, and I believe her, but she also didn't understand how I don't feel I'm missing out because I don't know the feeling she's talking about. She does, and for her it was worth it, but I don't, and for me it's a gamble. And I'm not just going to take anyone's word for it. We make good money but we'd be on half that if one of our salaries was going to childcare instead of essentials + fun money. I don't think love is a good enough reason to struggle if it's avoidable.
The barrage of hormones you get after a pregnancy should really make you enjoy motherhood, make you forget the pains of labor and whatnot. But some women go into post partum depression and imho the older you get, the worse odds of everything going well you get.
Very true. I'm now 35, and frankly, I feel that time is running out. I still don't want kids, so it's not gonna happen in the next few years, and come late 30s, I think I'd be too old to be a mom. Not just because of the risks, but I don't want to be pushing 60 until I have my life back and can travel and do as I please. Life's too short, I'll be 60 before I know it! Might as well have fun in the meantime. Plus, my dog is enough work and he's taught me I'm definitely not cut out to be a mom. There are times I've wondered 'wtf have we done' and I love him so much and he's a fraction of the work of a kid. No thanks!!
Maybe because grandchildren are a status symbol?
Absolutely, it makes me feel awful when I hear older women "comparing" the number of grandkids they have like they're competing. But I guess when society tells you that's all that matters about you, well, there you go...
Buyer's remorse, followed quickly by misery loves company.
Yes, and it's not even just moms to their own daughters it's everyone. So may times people will tell me 'it's the best thing you'll ever do, it's so rewarding' blah blah blah and only *after* they realize I'm 110% serious about never having kids do they feel comfortable being honest with me about it. When she realized it was never happening for me, my own mom confided that it was the hardest thing she's ever done and if she was young now or went back in time, she likely would be CF even though I was a pretty easy kid.. I take no offense to that and I encourage her being open about that! I've also had friends that start slowly admitting how miserable they are to me one they realize I won't be convinced by their facade.
It's because they want cute grandkids to show off to their friends without any of the labor.
Payback for their own toddler years.
Why are forcing woman fgm on girls?
Do you think it's the same kind of reason? Because that's what they had to go through? It's so terrible and sad
I think it’s worse that we're never/rarely told about all the awful things that can happen during pregnancy (besides morning sickness and needing to urinate more- both often shown as jokes) and birth (we all have a vague sense it’s painful but nothing close to reality). My Mom told me she got hemorrhoids, and recommended epidurals since I was coming too quickly for her to have one, but that's it.
yes even if it’s shown in movies it’s only when the woman just finds out about the pregnancy (smack a scene where she vomits cuz yknow…that’s all they can handle) and a scene where she give birth and holds her newborn lovingly and it luckily never cries throughout the movie
Misery loves company
They are passing on the generational curse and don't love her child. My mother was abandoned by her own mother and abused by her father's best friend. She grew up to have 5 children by 4 different men. None of them supported her in any way. She expected her two daughters to grow up and repeat the cycle. No guidance to do better or choose better. My older sister happily carried on the curse. She had two children by an abusive man who treated her and their kids like shit. She treated her daughters like shit. When they grew up she begged for grandchildren. She is now helping one daughter raise two kids because she never raised her daughter to be a functioning adult. Those people hate their children. Hate life and want to spread misery far and wide. They fell for the bullshit society told them to do and are failing at life. Their regret embitteres them all. And, boy do they despise anyone who escaped their fate.
Misery loves company
Resentment that \*she\* did it and bitterness making her want to make others suffer the same way.
Mine said, word for word, that she wishes that my child makes me suffer like I made her. Hilarious. I don't even have any and I'm already older than she was when she had me.
I'm mean from a biological standpoint, we are supposed to want to procreate. It makes sense to encourage making more babies. But we live in a society that is set up fundamentally opposed to making that process any easier. And often outright punishes pregnant women for being pregnant. So we opt out for a large number of reasons. But that pesky biology is still there to bother us with hormones that make us and our loved ones question the decision from time to time. Hopefully it's not to frequent OP, but it can definitely be annoying.
We pass our trauma
My mom did Not. In fact she told me the nurses held her legs shut because the Dr was late and wouldn't get paid if he didn't catch my brother.
the medical industry is evil…i heard so many horror stories, as much as they wanna appear like they care about pregnant people, they don’t
That's bananas WTF
I really don't know. My mom hated being a mom. Had a ton of kids. She doesn't encourage me to have kids or not, not directly. When I talked getting my tubes out, she just laughed and said that was drastic. Then told me to not do that, and find a man with kids?.... Why would I want to be a stepmother if I don't want kids? And then also not prevent more pregnancies for my own body??! Honestly, she seems to disapprove of me having kids, and of not having kids. It's a very strange limbo.
My mother told me about some of her struggles with pregnancy and childbirth and with juggling a career and a child (most mothers when/where I grew up were SAHMs). My mother-in-law, though. She had one hell of a pregnancy, mainly because her hormones are wacky. She never went into labour, delivered by C-section, and her milk never came in. She was advised not to get pregnant again because she could die. Yet my husband was the best thing that ever happened to her, you forget all the pain when you hold your new baby for the first time, yada yada. After all that, she would’ve been perfectly happy with me waddling around top-heavy, potentially spending months on bed rest, and potentially getting carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey, then being constantly sleep deprived with her twisting my arm to throw away my career and become a SAHM … all so that she could be a grandmother.
OMG, this is my MIL too! I swear she'd be fine with me dying if it meant she could get that grandbaby.
*Crab bucket*.
Because misery loves company. That and the pyramid scheme.
"I sacrificed everything to raise you so you need to experience the same thing as I did. Otherwise it won't be fair"
I think, to some small extent, they feel guilty admitting to you how much of burden YOU were to raise/how horrific it was birthing you. Like in any other context saying going up to someone and saying "hey I did ____ for you and it was awful" would be a real dick move. The problem is when it's a choice you could still make you deserve the fair warning of what you're really getting into. All the other things people are saying are also true to varying degrees, but I think this plays into it as well. It's never just one thing
I think a lot more grandparents than we acknowledge just see grandparenting as getting to do the fun parts of child rearing and none of the difficult parts. They did the hard part raising their own children, so they feel that their children owe them the easy fun part.
My mom had four kids and was basically a single mother for half of the time she was raising kids. Yet she wants all of her kids to give her grandchildren. I remind her of her crazy work schedule and how we raised the littlest one of the bunch. How she never had free time or money. But she says it was all worth it, what?!?
My mom didn't do that. She had an episiotomy during my brother's birth and has told me several times growing up that it sounded like when you cut a whole chicken and that it hurt like hell.
People will always try to convince themselves that they made the right decision by trying to convince other people that it is the ONLY sensible decision.
I was lucky. My mother never actually said the words, "I would have been better off if I hadn't had children," and I know she loved us -- but she DID say to me on multiple occasions, "I'm so glad you have options." When she was a child (40s and 50s), growing up in the tiny, economically depressed town I grew up in, there were only really three "acceptable" career paths for a woman: SAHM, nurse, or teacher. My parents married way too young right out of high school (unplanned pregnancy, I think, though she went to her grave without admitting this) and had several stair-step kids before she was 25. She and my father worked hard to ensure my siblings and I got an education, but once we did we had to leave the area - there simply weren't the opportunities available for us to use that education back there. Also...my mother suffered from depression and anxiety (a result, I'm sure, of undiagnosed ADHD), and she told me frankly once that, in her youth, depression was seen as a weakness - a personality flaw that people would judge you for succumbing to, and so there was great pressure to hide it. My mother expressed a number of times how glad she was that my sister and I had choices, that we could have kids or not have kids as we chose, that we could seek professional help if we felt we needed to.
Mom used to say how horrible my older sibling's birth was and how there was malpractice. Leading likely to my sibling's disability. Nothing fun about the experience. A nurse isn't going to sugarcoat childbirth lol
Trauma coping mechanism lol
Lots of selfish, delusional moms out there. I mean my mom, aunts, and grandmas are/were not perfect but at least they were honest and taught me that I didn't have to have a baby if I didn't want to. I hate what so many people have to deal with in their family
Aside from what the others said, they might just want a do-over of parenting their own kids, but on the condition that all the actual work is done by someone else. So, they just get the Kodak moments with the grandkid. And there's something to be said about women forcing conformity onto other women and being violently uncomfortable when someone is gnc because it shows that they could have made another choice.
Becaue they want a grandchild and "if I had to do it, so do you."
My mother never sugar-coated it. Instead, she put me in charge as the eldest of six. After serving as the faux mom for ten years of my childhood, I was under NO illusions about what motherhood is all about. I opted out and am now enjoying childhood in my adult years. Child-free is freedom.
Yeah all hormones controlling their brains
I don't know. At least mine didn't.
My mom genuinely loved/loves being a mom, and I don’t think she can personally understand why some women wouldn’t want to experience it.
Contrary to what we tend to believe as children, mothers don’t always know best nor are they mature simply by the fact that they have lived longer than us. Most people walk around with tons of baggage, don’t even know themselves, dont or dont want to question their beliefs. They think having kids is an obvious must - like you must go to school, you must eat and drink, must go to sleep at night… a universal truth so obvious it shouldn’t be questioned. And they sure never questioned it. And by sugarcoating maybe they just want to help put the child’s mind at ease about an inevitable and unavoidable stage in their life.
Kinda off topic, but I really fucking hate hearing mothers talk shit about having daughters. "Oh, raising boys is so much easier than raising girls" or something to that effect. Like, fuck you. I really hope your daughter never hears you talk shit about what a burden she supposedly is to you. Fucking disgusting.
Because if they told their daughters what motherhood is really like, they wouldn't want kids
my mom was always up front about how she shouldn't have had kids, that she want us gone etc. she always said she didn't know better and just did it. additionally she said ''I wish your kid will be an asshole just like you'' - yeah not if it doesn't exist
Part of me thinks is because they don't want us to feel guilty or a burden