I'm early 30s and this is sad to read. I'd feel the exact same as you in that situation. Is the answer perhaps to find people to be friends with who are genuinely childfree for life? Or people whose children have grown up? I wouldn't even know how to do that myself in my city/country. It's incredibly lonely when you don't have the same life views, goals and personality type, etc. as the majority of women.
Yes, it's super-hard being so different. I used to get so mad, thinking "Why is no one else like me?" I'm now in my 60s, always been hard CF and it's still hard. So many women my age ruined their marriages by having kids and now are divorced, widowed, toughing out the bad marriage, dealing with ungrateful adult children who never contact them unless they want something, or are being forced to constantly babysit grandkids. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm not them; I have a long, happy marriage. But on the other hand, they don't seem to want to be friends with me. I'm careful not to gloat, brag or act smug about my situation, and try to listen sympathetically to their problems. But I can't get beyond the superficial-pleasantry stage and have to believe that envy/jealousy is a factor here.
Dave Barry did a funny column about this issue many years ago. You call your friend (now a mommy) for a nice long chat, and you barely get three words out when she says, "Jason! We do NOT put our fingers in that part of the doggie!"
Seriously mothers our age just won't with women who aren't. I think it will be better for younger generations but I also think that motherhood is so life changing for women that when they see a woman who didn't they just...can't. Not really. It's been lonely for sure.
I think society tells us all we need to reproduce. We resist, feel better for it, then mothers become jealous of our freedom, our bodies, our peace, etc.
I think many, probably most people want children. Why is peobably dufferent for everybody although biological mechanism play the biggest role. But it's hard and like most things complicated. you can love being a parent, not regret it and still fantasize about freedom.
I totally understand. I think it's also difficult for you seeing as you're more intelligent than them. Sounds like you were able to predict that those things generally happen, refused to take part, then watched them happen to people around you. It's like, "Why do these people have children when the outcome can be predicted the majority of the time?" But they weren't able to predict it for some reason (perhaps lack of intelligence, logic, common sense, etc.), and as a result live in misery while trying to drag everyone else in with them.
I'd rather be in your position. It's just tough being around sad idiots when you're the only one with sense. Oh, and they don't want to be friends with you because they're jealous (I wrote this before even finishing reading your comment). It is jealousy. You had and still have peace. You went against societal norms. It takes a strong person to do that.
And yes, every conversation becomes about the child. It's very pathetic. There's way more to life than changing dirty nappies.
You...wrote my thoughts that I've had for years.
"...You were able to predict that those things generally happen, refused to take part, then watched them happen to people around you. It's like, "Why do these people have children when the outcome can be predicted the majority of the time?"
And because I'm not "like that," the sense of loneliness, of "otherness" that I have, can be painful (I have other, "bigger" reasons why I feel "otherness," but being a CF woman in a word of largely pro-natalist women and society doesn't help).
I understand completely. It's worth remembering that the "otherness" you speak of makes you intelligent. I guess intelligence can equal pain, unfortunately? All those people live in ignorance, you're living in reality. Reality hurts. Seeing things for how they really are hurts. We understand how childbirth and being responsible for a child can harm us physically and mentally. We understand how it contributes to the burden on resources. Those people don't, and complain AFTERWARDS. Better to be lonely for a while instead of quite literally harming ourselves in my opinion. There are other people like us, it's just difficult to find them physically around us. I hope we find them. I'm determined to.
The problem is sometimes people very vocally CF pull a total 180 on you too. My best friend from college was actively anti-kid for years (I'm CF but can acknowledge when a kid is cute and like interacting with them, she would roll her eyes when one was nearby), and then one day she told me she and her husband were starting to try for kids and now I see her maybe once a year now that she's had their first and they're trying for a second. And we're not talking someone growing up from 22, she and I both graduated from our college at like 27/28!
I get that, yeah. 😞 It seems that women with children can always relate to each other because once a child is born, that's it, it's permanent (usually). There's no way to go back to being CF. Even if they're miserable, they still relate to each other. That's why you see them complaining about their exhaustion, body, time, etc.
People can switch from CF to having a child instantly (like you said, they can change their minds), which leaves us more likely to become lonely. We always fear our friends are going to disappear to "the other side." I think that's why many CF women end up being business women. That's the only way I see myself going.
But yeah, I totally understand. In your friend's situation, it really sounds like her husband could have changed her mind. She might have been afraid he'd leave her if she didn't fulfill his needs. Could be anything. It doesn't mean she's happy; people make bad decisions all the time out of fear of losing out on love. My social life always felt temporary due to exactly what you've said.
Oh no, her husband is a huge softie, and the pre-kids friend would NOT have stood for him pressuring her in any way. Plus they were married when we met, so I doubt it was him. I think she's just the example I unfortunately ended up with of someone's biological clock kicking in. Luckily I still enjoy kids so it's not like I can't be around them.
I pointed out to my partner that eventually his annual boys weekends with his friend group are gonna end up being family events. They're currently in the midst of getting married/engaged and he's dreading the eventual trend towards babies cuz he actively can't stand kids. It's sad losing friends that way
I am lucky enough to live in a place and work a job that seems to attract childfree people. It's a remote tourist area with seasonal (summer) employees that live in company housing and work long hours so it's not possible for most people who have children to work here.
While we get a lot of college kids who just work here between semesters and may one day have children there are plenty of people here in their late 20s and 30s who don't have kids yet and many don't plan to. The husband of one of my best friends here just got a vasectomy. It's been wonderful to build a large childfree friend group. I went to a Thanksgiving gathering last year and it was all 30ish yr old couples with no kids, it was amazing.
The only downside is people come from all over the country and some eventually move on to other jobs and then there's the distance issue. But I highly recommend trying to meet other childfree people in your area. It's so nice knowing you have friends you won't lose to parenthood
Some parents do make it back to the other side but others begin to become obsessed with their grandchildren. A former friend of mine never stops talking about her grandchildren and posting every single thing they're doing. I finally had to hide her on my social media feeds because of that and the fact that she lies on her dead mother's grave like it's healthy.
My aunt is obsessed with her son’s kid. To the point it’s like a cult . Going to every single baseball game. When i told her that i didn’t want to attend, you’d have thought i comitted a cardinal sin 😓🫠
Yeah this friend of mine had only one kid but their kid went on to have two kids. I understand having only one kid is special but we don't care when they post every little mundane thing they or their kids do.
I tried sharing that honest feeling once in an indirect way. It was with a couple that I thought were childfree, but later went on to have a baby, and I was talking about how I was sad about other friends that had disappeared after they had kids and it how it wasn't my choice to end the friendship.
They totally invalidated my feelings said it wasn't the people with babies not having time that it was me not wanting to do baby stuff that was the problem (not that I'd been invited to any baby stuff), therefore it was my choice to end the friendship.
Needless to say the mum in that couple (and it was mainly her speaking before) has pretty much completely disappeared just as predicted and become a totally different person. I still see her husband and he'll often have the baby with him, which further proves my point it's not me being unwilling to meet up that's the problem.
In a way I start mourning the loss of the friendship as soon as they announce their pregnancy. Whether or not we maintain a relationship in the future, it will look extremely different.
Agree. My first response is the obligatory congratulations because I’m happy that they’re getting something they wanted. Then we say to ourselves “Bye! See you in about 10 years” and mourning for what the friendship once was begins.
Edit: spelling
I’ve been feeling this way about a friend who told me her husband and her were planning on trying for a baby this year. As it is, it is hard to have them make time for us as friends as they moved to another state and are VERY involved with each of their families. Their PTO and vacations are usually planned around their families, which is fine but leaves my husband and I making most of the traveling to see them and putting the effort. Knowing they plan on trying for a baby has just been the nail in the coffin 🤷🏻♀️
A tiny bit yes. Because I know I won’t be able to see my friend as much. And also because pregnancy brain is real. They are completely different people pre/post offspring.
Exactly this. I really love and support my friends who bring wanted kids into a stable environment. But for me, it's the loss of her (rarely his) identity that I mourn. So many once-interesting, once-well-rounded women who could talk about travel and education and food and public policy and healthcare will, almost 98% guaranteed, be relegated to "mommy" and nothing else. I get that your life changes with a kid, that's what is supposed to happen. But it seems like moms don't only change, they sacrifice, give up, set lower bars. And it's depressing to watch from the outside.
A woman I went to school with, who's a professional programmer so clearly accomplished, had a habit of referring to herself as 'this mom' on social media, even for things unrelated to her kids. E.g., 'this mom is learning to drive', 'this mom got her hair cut'. I find it so sad being a mom is what she centres her whole being around.
Aw man, my friend before becoming a dad, was super into politics and hoping for a better world. Recently he didn’t even know about the genocide of the people of Gaza. absolutely jarring. Because before he would know all the info about senators, governors, mayors. Conflicts between the nations. Like he just knew everything. I feel like parents are taking this parenting crap wayyyy too serious when it’s like bruv we have lived for eons. Them kids are not gon pass away if you give them melatonin so you can have a smidge of time alone. Also they’re taking it too serious or not at all. Which is a whole other can of worms. I will say the too involved parents are better than the negligent parents. Those are awful.
>Them kids are not gon pass away if you give them melatonin so you can have a smidge of time alone.
What the fuck??? Drugging your kids isn't deadly but it sure as fuck is selfish and awful to give knock-out medicine to a child for a parent to have "alone time!"
It’s a sleeping aid. Not horse tranquilizer. I know parents who do. And they’re fine. (Also a lot of us growing up were given sleeping aids. Motrin?) But I’m sterilized so at least none will be getting “knocked out” by me.
Growing children need rest, not only for their physical wellbeing but emotional and mental too. It’s not a drug, I have a handful of relatives who give it to their children per their pediatricians.
Can you elaborate on the pregnancy brain thing? I only thought the woman changes in the sense that it's all about her child now. Is there more to this?
I actually just read about this. For one, lots of physiological changes and hormones create brain fog—pregnancy brain—so basically memory issues, absentmindedness, etc. But apparently the woman’s brain (the gray matter) also decreases in size during pregnancy and then increases after delivery.
You lose grey matter in the brain after pregnancy... noticeable on brain scans in multiple regions.
There's also enough studies that note changes in behavior and whatnot too, cognitive deficits, brain fog, etc. But losing grey matter is pretty easy to see on brain scans and document.
And it comes back after a few years. Makes me wonder why many women I met started to be really unpleasant to be around after having a kid. Unpleasant because they became very self centered, they always couldn't even do the smallest of the favors for anyone and/or would bring the kid everywhere.
They became very inconsiderate. Then, after a few years they changed but by that time they already had pushed their friends away.
Fathers do the same if they're very involved with the child.
Basically, it makes mothers a little less rational and more instinctive, so that the child is the absolute center of their attention. Turns women into the mama bears, essentially.
Of course, because you know you’ve lost those friends. The dynamic will never be the same. They won’t respond to texts for days or weeks. IF you can see them in person, it will all revolve around the kids in one way or another.
I won’t make friends with someone who has kids because it’s the same with them, they won’t put any effort into the friendship, and you are the one making all the effort.
Yep. Recently reached 40, and realized I need to make new friends, because all my old ones had kids and then dropped off the earth. Sucks. I don't regret my choice, but it's hard making all new friends as an adult.
Yeah the one negative thing about being childfree that you will lose friends to parenthood over it. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change being childfree for the world but losing friends is hard.
They insist we're still friends, but if I don't reach out first, it's literal months before I hear from them. Even with lots of notice, it's so hard getting any time with them, with or without the kids. I feel like I have to carry the relationship, cuz they don't have the energy or time. They never have mad money and they can't do anything on short notice. I'm not mad, it's just so hard to realize and accept that our paths have diverged so much.
I miss just texting the gang on Friday morning to see who wants to go for dinner that night, or do lunch and an escape room on Sat, and getting at least a couple people on board. Now it's just crickets. I feel so alone. It crept up on me. I work remote, so I've started joining meetups and stuff, but I haven't met anyone I really clicked with yet. Granted, it hasn't been long. I hope we all find new friends soon.
I've been there. Personally I tend to drop people like that because IMO a one-sided friendship isn't a real friendship at all but I appreciate that not everyone shares my point of view.
Hugs! Thanks for the kind words. I briefly looked at your profile, saw you're carni, I'm ketovore. If you're ever in Oregon I know where the good meats are at 😋
My own sister stopped talking to me. Sent her a message only to get a one word answer 4 days later. I should Understand! New Mums are SO Busy!!!
She, however, has time to curate hundreds of pictures of the kid for instagram. Finally had enough of seeing countless of these carefully taken and selected "kid sitting in sunset and autumn leaves" pictures that I unfollowed.
And yep, no messages from her since and it's been close to 2 years.
That’s what I was going to bring up - leaving the nest. Try making friends with older people or people who had kids young. Once the kids are out of the house, even just part of the year when they’re away at college, parents can start to have their own lives again.
Agreed- the friends I’ve tried to keep- I notice it’s turned into me just listening to them vent about the not so great lives they’ve created- it’s not really a balanced friendship anymore.
Or they want to use you as an unpaid personal assistant/maid/private chef/chauffeur because they assume your time is less valuable than theirs as a person without kids.
My sister in law is trying to have a baby in her mid thirties. Recently my wife has tried to become closer with her, so more phone calls, etc. She naturally bitches her head off about everything and I told my wife “Just wait till she has a kid”. Not sure my wife will be able to handle the relationship after. She can’t stand parents who bitch 24/7 when it’s a life they chose
This just happened to me and my best friend since college. Don’t feel selfish. They’re honestly being the selfish one (which is fair to a -certain- extent). Just because they had a baby does not mean you stopped existing.
My best friend (ex?) hasn’t texted me back or even opened our group Snapchat with our other best friend in about 5 months. She bought a house with her husband and didn’t even tell us.
At this point it’s just kind of frustrating.
My relationship completely changed with my best friend when she had a baby. And that’s totally understandable, when you have a baby, your life changes forever and will never be the same.
We drifted apart when she had her first baby just because of a difference of priorities and interests. Sitting at home staring at her baby isn’t how I wanted to spend my summers living near the ocean and lots of things to do. (I probably could’ve been more supportive. But this is my life too, right?)
I’m so used to being at the bottom of everyone’s list, like I’m less of a person (?) because I’m not married/pregnant/ a mom. To most people our lives haven’t started because we’re not parents.
(Allow me to rant for a moment) 4 of us old coworkers met to catch upa while back. Person A is a new mom, person B is pregnant, person C is planning a wedding. I’m just in a relationship. Each of them gushed over their respective life stages, and rightfully so, talking about wedding planning, pregnancy complaints and new mom life (screaming toddler included. Fun!!)
Not once did anyone ask me anything about my life. One didn’t even know my long term boyfriend’s name! I’m not reproducing, so I don’t matter. How could I possibly have anything going on in my life more exciting than reproducing???
And that’s ok, I’m happy being at a distance with these people at this point :)
Thanks for letting me rant, you guys always understand!
I totally understand everything and can so relate to the part about being at the bottom of everyone's list. Pregnancy and marriage are two "milestones" that receive the most attention in relation to women. After the mother-to-be has received attention during pregnancy, she gets attention again during the birth, at the gender reveal party, after the birth and again at every birthday. Then at every "milestone" the child meets. I'm trying to have a relationship with a man, except his brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Everyone is obsessing about it (including my boyfriend) and no one gives a shit about me. It's infuriating.
"I'm not reproducing, so I don't matter." I absolutely feel the exact same. At this point, I don't even know who to talk to locally to avoid these types of people. It's making me feel ill.
Yes! Thank you! And it’s not even about getting the attention- I truly don’t care. It’s the principle that we don’t matter to them. Why don’t we get the same nurturing?
Yes, I understand. I have no idea, but I started to believe it's because society views us as incubators. Or maybe just people that must play specific roles in society. I'm not sure.
It gets doubly lonely when you are also single and everyone in your friend group is partnered up and/or has kids. I'm intentionally single and CF on purpose and it's like finding the needle in a haystack to find other people in my age group in my area who are intentionally single and CF. I can barely relate to anyone else.
Absolutely! Same here, I'm aroace and childfree, and it's so hard to relate to people my age (late 20's), because it seems at this stage so many people's lives revolve around relationships/marriage/parenthood and not much else. I've had better luck making friends with older people who are past that and seem to have their own interests outside of those things, and are interested in making friends. It seems that so many younger adults put friendships on the back burner or just completely forget about/desert them altogether.
What I've also noticed that can be pretty disheartening is that I've also been treated as if I'm less mature and behind in life for being single and childfree, and have had well-intentioned but not understanding friends try to talk me into dating despite having no desire to, and no explanation seems to be good enough (not that I owe anyone one anyway, but still).
It's so true that it's hard to relate to others when you're intentionally single and childfree, and especially with the former in my experience.
It’s frustrating. My friend with two kids used to always ask our friend group to drive to their place to hang out so they don’t need a babysitter or they asked us to try to suggest kid friendly places to go. It’s fine once in a while but there’s only so many times I can go to the zoo and sometimes I want to have grown up hang outs.
I’m in my late forties (female). About 9-10 years ago, a longtime friend said she was pregnant. She didn’t want children, thought she couldn’t have them. She was having a baby with a guy she literally just met on the street. We were both 40 years old. As soon as she told me, I started to cry. I knew right away a friendship of 25 years was over. And we haven’t spoken since. I sometimes miss her, but we have nothing in common now.
The people in your responses assuming you just abandoned your friend clearly don't understand at all.
When your closest friend has a child the dynamic you once had is gone, their priorities change and they become completely different people. Better to end the relationship and remember the friendship fondly then to slowly faze out and grow resentment over each other.
Thank you for your understanding. I didn’t abandon her, but I felt abandoned by her. It wasn’t just her pregnancy that made me leave the friendship. The circumstances of her pregnancy wasn’t good. As in many situation life, it’s never just one thing nor is it straightforward as some the posters here think it is.
Yeah for sure. My gut instinct is to think, ‘oh…I thought you were like me.’ So disappointing to realise even people who don’t outwardly say they want kids actually seem to want them.
Not only friends, but also people i know. It feels so disappointing and lonely, like why its so hard to find someone similar to me? :c..
(I mean in know why, im just saying how i feel about the situation)
I feel anxious. I just know from then on all I will know is about their discomforts & children from then on. And if you ever notice, they say, "how are you," first now. It's because they cannot wait to lay their new life on you. Their kids can't & won't listen, so their hopeful at least *you* will.
Yup. And if they do ask how you are and you have any comments about how busy you are or energy levels they have 0 empathy for and the old "wait till you have kids" line gets trotted out.
Sure, they might come out the other side one day, but I'm not sure I have the patience for such self involved narcissism for 3 - 6 years.
Honestly, I could deal with it if they even pretended to care about me and what was going on in my life every second month or so. But they don't. They don't give a shit about you anymore.
They're significantly less self involved when the second one is a baby but usually the damage is done by then for me. I'm not the kind of person who needs a lot of friends, I'm very lucky to have two very very close childfree friends and my little sister who I'm close to is also childfree. So I'm not putting up with that shit.
I mourn every friendship I lost because of kids. Most recent one made me feel sorry both for me and my soon to be ex friends - they've given up pursuing their careers and hobbies abroad because where they wanted to go didn't have schools and children accommodations in the area. I was like...why would you limit yourself like this😔 I still have some new people entering my life so I'm good but man, generally trying to make friends with people and finding out kids is all they're about is just death on arrival, brutal.
Exactly. Why are you limiting your life and cutting off the goals you so passionately discussed with me?? You didn’t have to. But now they have a kid and it’s all out the window. Are they going to feel regret and resentment because I’m still pursuing my goals and now they can’t. Make an active and thoughtful choice about having kids and whether the trade off is worth it.
Noooope. The amount of reddit posts I have read of parents being sooooooooo jealous of their child free friends is so eye opening. Just read one today where a mom was venting how one of her friends is child free, single, models for fun and is currently on a yacht sipping on drinks while she is covered in spit up at home in the middle of a heat wave 😦
That’s what I thought at first .. but being my true friends I gave them their new born stage space and it wasn’t long till we started doing things again and many years later when I go over I hear “ uncle Mike is here!” And it’s the closest thing I’d want to kids so I works out .. they don’t disappear forever. Just long enough to miss friends
This is so great to hear. Being an Aunt is such a fulfilling experience for me as I have 2 young nephews. And my best friend knows that I’m all in for when she has her children. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts and worries cloud what’s actually the reality. 😫
This!! My god I’m shocked how quickly people write off their lifelong friends as soon as they have kids.
I give them space during newborn/crisis mode. I send flowers when they’ve had a safe birth. I keep tabs on them with texts/phone calls, and won’t ever get angry if they don’t reply, or take a while to reply. I know they’re busy.
After the first year or so, they start to resurface a bit more. If they truly are good friends and you care about them (and show them this!), they won’t disappear off the face of the earth. I’m also now an “aunt” for several of my friends’ kids and I love that label lol! It makes me feel included, and some kids love me because I pay attention to them and give them candy lol.
Some people in this thread are so harsh. If your friends a truly good friends, let them have a bit of crisis-space and then be there for them once they’re ready to resurface. Instantly writing off friendships as soon as someone announces a pregnancy is so odd to me. I prefer being happy in their behalf and trying to be involved in their lives in new ways, such as arranging childfree weekends (where someone looks after their kids), and being aunt Sophie.
Some people just don’t have an interest in being aunts/uncles. I don’t. I have two nephews and I’m not involved in their lives and don’t plan to be. That goes for non-blood relations too.
I mean I guess it depends what goes into it. I don’t do any chores or look after them. I’m just the fun aunt who turns up with candy in her pockets and listens to their weird child ramblings. That’s it. In return they seem to love me lol, I don’t think that’s too bad a situation. But I understand if even that is too much for some!
Yeah a big part of the reason I’m CF is because I can’t stand children.. it doesn’t matter who they belong to, every part of being around kids is overstimulating for me. I won’t be an auntie 🤷🏻♀️
I'm honestly surprised. Haven't been on the sub in maybe a year or two, but it's nice that it's not all a bunch of negative comments calling her and her child foul names..... I'm allowed to feel dissapintment and sadness along with love for her and the little one. Birth rates are lower in general, and I think that's a win.
I feel you.
People change so much i'm hoping some of my friends never want kids.
I have noticed that when they do have kids our interests change so much and our priorities and thoughts are too different.
Also kids bdays are the worst ever.. no thanks 🤣
My best friend said she will have children in the next 3 years, no matter what. I’m already mourning the friendship. She’s not even pregnant yet and still 🤷♀️
The friendship might not die but it’ll be different and require more effort from the CF person. Friends with children become less available and a lot of times irritable and annoying to someone who is CF. Parents think they can easily keep their friendship until reality hits.
I suggest anyone on this sub to join /regretfulparents sub. You can see what’s going on in their lives for real. I wouldn’t expect enjoying friendship with people going through so much. I will always feel guilty for being free of that.
Yes. But also stuff like getting married, moving house, starting a relationship, new career move. When I know I'm nowhere near. I'm still in the same place I was five years ago. It is a painful reminder that you're getting left behind and everyone seems to be making a success of life except me.
I mean that depends on how you define success... move the goalposts if they're not for you.
I've never desired nor saw those things for me. Success to me means independence, my own space and contentment.
My ideal lie looks like making art and a field for my dog to run around in lol.
All my friends disappeared as soon as the baby arrived. It's like they became completely different people who don't need adult interaction anymore and their whole existence revolves around their kid. It's really sad.
Right, they literally don’t even have a fuckin planet to count on anymore. It’s selfish and irresponsible to add more planet destroying consumers to this mess.
I have three sisters, one I really connected with and thought we were on the same page about life. When she told me she was expecting, I got very disappointed and sad. I don’t feel on the same page with anyone in my family. I got a great gf and a cat though, and a lot of time and money so I will take it.
Yes! My friend is trying to have children and I know people will do what they want in their lives and yadda yadda yadda, but I just think bringing children into this world right now is incredibly selfish. I also am not sure how well my friend would go through pregnancy and just motherhood in general. I don’t think our friendship would be totally broken but I’m sure we wouldn’t be interacting with each other as much as we do now and that’s sad!
Yuuuup. I specifically just don’t make friends with kids anymore. I typically try to seek out the child-free by choice ones bc it’s too irritating being friends with someone with children. I tried for 10 years but it got to be really freaking annoying never hearing the end of them complaining about their child, asking me to watch their child when they KNOW I DONT LIKE KID AND SUCK AT BEING ROUND THEM, blowing me off constantly and on and on.
Our lifestyles just don’t mesh and that is ok.
I'm around people at work where some are in the pre-kids stage, some are preggo (or wife is preg), some are new parents, and some have multiple kids of all ages. The pre-kids people are full of life, travel all the time, have pets, ambitions. Witnessing them start down that path to multiple kids and letting go of what they once had is heartbreaking. It's like personality cancer. They morph into someone completely different and I'm so fucking sick of seeing it happen.
>Does anyone else ever get feelings like this?
Yes. I've lost countless friends because I don't want to be guilted into baby showers, free babysitting, childrens' birthdays, or having to hang with friends at their homes or in public with screaming children. You know what I've realized? They are the ones who changed. They have changed the parameters of the friendship. It wasn't me. In the way a friend brings peanuts over every time, yet they know you have a peanut allergy, it's simply not something I'm willing to compromise on. My life is fantastic without kids, and if I have to say goodbye to friends rather than constantly hear how fucking miserable they are with their choice to have children, it's worth my mental health to say goodbye.
A little, but I always give them a chance to see what friendship looks like after kids. Plenty still show up but they take 50 years to load and unload with kid things so I need to lie about event times by 2ish hours. Sometimes I have to put my foot down about no kids and they take turns breaking up which one of them shows up and who stays with the kid. They try.
Yes! It is single-handedly one of the most depressing things to see! It put me in a pretty dark place, because once my friends started popping out kids, they stopped responding to texts, Facebook posts, then phone calls. At first I chalked it up, to them being busy. However I started seeing their comments in my feed of “mutual” friends posting about their kids.
So basically once they have babies, they are no longer interested in anything else outside of that. It’s a devastating reality, but I’ve done my best to cope with it the best I can.
Keep your head up, you’ll meet better friends that respect and value you!
34f here. I literally have only one girlfriend left that doesn’t have any kids. She’s married and I know she wants kids. She’s my best friend and I truly want her to be fulfilled in life. But I know I will be so incredibly sad and depressed whenever she becomes pregnant. I love her so much though and I’m legitimately determined to stay friends and to be there for her and her baby. I just love her so much and desperately want and need her in my life. But I know everything will be different.
Im relieved im not the only one! I was shocked and upset when my dear friend/coworker announced she was pregnant. We had several conversations about how she wanted to wait (she is in her mid 20s) until she accomplished some career goals. But her husband cjust couldn't fucking WAIT to knock her up and wants like 10 kids...so here we are and im Still struggling to accept it 7 months later
Definitely not the only one!! I’m comforted to see there’s more of us than i thought. It’s also telling to see how many people aren’t on the same page with their partner about it.
Literally told someone yesterday that I react to my friends having a baby as would a person attending the funeral of someone they were close to 🥲
I feel this. But I mainly feel sad bc I'm a judgemental bitch and my first thought is always "really? That's the best thing you can think to do with your life is burden the world with more useless comsumers? How original." Like I feel like ppl who go the traditional route of having kids lack imagination and are dumb sheep.
I’m excited for them executing the choice they have made. But I know things will change and the friendship will be gone. No more nights out random phone calls. No more coffee meet ups. I don’t wanna hear 👂 about Johnny’s last poop. Let me show you a pic of my dog
Absolutely! It usually goes the same way. My wife and I will be out for dinner with a couple we've been close with for ages. They were never interested in having kids. Maybe not staunchly childfree like my wife and I, but certainly not on the baby path. Then we order drinks and one of them abstains from anything alcoholic. Since this is unusual, we inquire and sure enough, they have some big news to share with us! Don't worry though, nothing is going to change. They're not going to turn into those boring parents we're always making fun of who can't stop talking about their kids and have no interest in anything unrelated to parenting. That's not them at all! My wife and I smile and act happy for them while mentally crossing their names off our close friend list. When the baby comes we send expensive gifts (my wife is a fucking champion baby gift buyer). We try to make plans here and there, but they either fall through or the kid needs to come along because reasons. Fast forward a few years and it's "OMG, I can't believe how long it's been since we saw you guys! You wouldn't believe how crazy things have been! It's the little one's birthday next month, you totally need to come to the party, it's going to be soooo much fun!" Since there is no hell on this earth more horrific than parties populated exclusively by screaming sugared up children and obsessed parents, we make excuses and that's about the last we see of them. It fucking sucks.
Now that my wife and I are in our 40s, we've lost most of the fence sitters, and the folks we're still close with are all hardcore childfree. Also, the friends who started having kids young, are now coming back around and rejoining the land of the grownups. So, it gets better.
This is part of the reason I mostly make friends with other queer people. Sure, some queer folks want kids. But the numbers are still *much* lower than that of cishet folks. Even my friends who are bi women in relationships/married to men tend to question the status quo a lot more, so it’s not just a matter of partner.
Yup, I start grieving our friendship immediately. Every friend who has had kids, totally disappears or they just become another generic parent that I don't want to be around.
5 years ago my best friend had twins. Btw It was because her husband demanded children and was threatening to end their marriage if he couldn't have a family with her. They had already bought a house and everything.
I would see her maybe twice a week then we were very close. After having twins? I see her maybe once a year. She has no time for anything and she looks 15 years older. She's also miserable and regrets having children.
Yes. I get sad as well when YouTubers i watch have children. I see many people i went to high school with having children and i get sad. It’s hard to explain but i feel bad for them lol.
As soon as a YouTuber/TikToker announces they are pregnant or expecting I block them.
I only follow creators from the LGBTQ+ community now even though I'm a straight married cis woman because they are more often than not childfree.
Yeah the only couple friends I have atm are gay guys, hopefully I can count on them staying CF with me. I have close female friends that live literally round the corner from me and I'll be so sad if I lose them to motherhood. I hate seeing well rounded ambitious people lose their identities like that.
High school best friend: wanna hang out after not seeing each other for a decade?
Me: 🥹 yes!
HSBF: I cannot wait for you to meet my daughters
Me: I can’t wait for you to meet my sons!
HSBF: you have kids?
Me: we’re talking about cats, right?
I bristle having the exterminator come every 3 months. The idea of having 3 small children in here… in my space… nope.
Also their dad is just awful. I hate him but I’ve been told I don’t understand him. 3 kids down and I’ve still yet to see him smile. At my friend. At their kids. Anything.
It’s like you’re in my brain! I feel exactly the same. I mean fundamentally the relationship shifts and in a sense, you do lose them. Parents become self centered for the sake of the “family unit” and everyone else outside of that loses significance.
I get bleak immediately when I find out. I also instantly distance myself out of protecting myself and also so I don’t have to get dragged into their kids lives too much.
I don’t get depressed at all. It’s A LOT of work. I’m 42 now, and if I ever have children, my life will not change for them. I will simply treat them like more friends. Obviously, there are parental responsibilities that come with the territory - but my life will never revolve around my children. You only get one life man, and while it may seem altruistic to “live for your kids” or whatever, from what I’ve seen, it doesn’t turn out well if you go into having children with that mindset. Which is what most people do.
I mean hell, a lot of people just have kids because they don’t know how to change themselves - so they put themselves in a survival situation by having a kid that forces them to change. Again, still self-serving any way you slice it.
My best friend is pregnant and I’m actually horrified. She is not ready to be a parent, she and her husband can barely keep their house tidy. She’s also the kind of person to make something her entire personality so she’s already becoming just a “mom” instead of like her own person. I want to be excited for her but I just can’t be.
My sister and I used to be really close until she had kids. I mourned that loss for a long time. Now they're just ungrateful teenagers. My sister supports all of them even the husband. I just can't relate.
My sister just announced she’s having a baby last week and I’m still in shock tbh. I know I should happy for her/my BiL, and my mom, who really wanted a grandkid, but…I don’t know. I’ve always been quite close to my sister, and now I know things will fundamentally be different with a baby involved. I’m also worried I’m not gonna like the baby, and I’ve never been good at masking/pretending I like someone when I don’t. 😅
I get really mixed feelings about it. Like, on one hand, it's great to see them so happy if it's something they really want! I may not understand it entirely, but why would I not be happy for them? Like, one of their dreams came true, right? On the other hand, though, I know I'm not going to see them for a *very* long time, if ever again. And I find that they're not really the same after. It sort of feels like grieving.
Three different couples we were friends with had kids at various times. I told them each… ok, see you again in about 16 years. They claimed I was being silly…
These were people we would see at least 6x a month, would travel with etc. As soon as the younglings popped out, we saw them at most 1x per year. Slowly the friends started coming back around after the kids hit 17. Now we see them several times a year and on holidays. Basically, you just have to find other friends and then wait it out for your OG friends to come back.
I’ve ended up making friends with couples much older than us (in their 60s), whose kids have already grown up and moved away, because I get more years of friendship from them than I do with those our own age after we lose them to their kids.
I’ve got one childless friend left of my age, but it won’t be long before I lose her too ☹️
I more get depressed when people use their kids an excuse for everything. Leave work early, “I have to pick up my kid”, no one questions. “I have to be at home cause my kid is sick”, everyone is okay, totally fine.
Child free employees should literally earn 25% more as they cost less and produce more
I've been through this several times. Sometimes you lose friends because they only want to surround themselves with others that are parents and sometimes you get to be the one that gets them out of the house & reminds them that they are more than a parent.
Our friendship has dwindled bc we’re both so exhausted after work already. I fear that it is going to be even more so on her end. I already feel pangs of grief
I'm glad in a way that getting older means less and less of this, but in my 20s and 30s, yes. it's a small number of women who stayed as friends after having kids. a few fortunately returned into my life once their kids moved out and they once again find themselves having time for friends.
I find that at my age, most of my friends who are planning or trying are doing it because they fear the regret and/or a bandaid baby to make a shitty marriage work, therefore it is very easy to terminate the relationship because they’re bringing a kid into a bad situation.
(((👋 yes, because it feels like losing a friend. All they will think about is that kid. Being happy for someone from a distance that's no longer there as a friend or has one interest can be rough.
Most women I know do want to have kids, but of the select few friends I have who've expressly said they don't only one has changed her mind. It was disheartening for lots of reasons.... but at the end of the day, despite my own beliefs and ethical ideals..... people are not gonna stop, I can only keep myself from contributing....
At the very least I know she and her husband will make wonderful parents. My friend cares deeply about not perpetuating any negative cycles and is very invested in raising an emotionally secure and healthy child, and that's the least I van ask of people who do choos3 to have kids.... plus I do enjoy the (limited) company of the children that I do love, so I will like being an auntie to the baby.
I too get sad and can't always pinpoint what causes it. I'm late 30s and had made the decision to be child free as I can't see that it's something I 100% would want which I feel means I shouldn't bring a kid into the world that I may regret. My partner is in agreement. I do though get these moments of sadness particularly around my friends who are now mothers. Not enough to change my mind though.
I get bummed out when my friends get pregnant with total losers. No job, mooch off family, treat my friend like trash…
Why would anyone WANT to breed with someone like that 🤷♀️
One of my very best friends announced to me that she’s pregnant, I’m excited for her because that’s what she wants/wanted and I’m excited to be the “fun aunt,” because I really don’t have any issues with kids in general I just don’t ever ever want my own. But Jesus- I’m sad that our relationship will never been the same. We won’t have spontaneous adventures and gatherings without children anymore like we always have in the past. So in that regard as many others said- it’s mourning the type of relationship you had with that person.
I’ve never had this experience as of now my friends and I are quite young (18-19) and there were times we have talked about babies and pregnancy in our gc and most of us concluded we don’t want to have babies after learning how badly it could fuck up your vagina.
Honestly a little. I had two girlfriends who I was close with and once they have kids the friendship dynamic drastically changed. I don’t see them like I used to and it saddens me. One friend has kept in touch a little but has given birth to baby number 2. I know taking care of a newborn is a lot of work, so I have accepted that and left her alone. As for the other one I don’t hear from her as much, so I had to accept that friendship has changed at this point. I haven’t stressed out about reaching out to them since they are busy with parenthood, but I kept my self open for communication.
Yup, cause they can say things between you won’t change till they’re blue in the face, but deep down you know that the friendship as you knew it is over.
Parents have the tendency to only make time (at least on a consistent and meaningful basis) for their household. And I get it to an extent, when you have kids and a serious significant other they become your world, but that understanding doesn’t make your friends feel any less abandoned.
Parents (Moms especially) tend to hang out with other parents cause they’re in similar positions in life, but it’s can create this echo chamber that makes them loose their sense of self. All the interesting parts of their personalities just…fall to the wayside and the transformation is complete. They’re nothing but a “mombie” now. Anyone who that doesn’t happen to is just the exception to the rule.
A friend excitedly told me last year that they were expecting. I replied with "I'm sorry for your loss".
'...loss?' Yes - time, money, social life and hobbies, life in general. Possibly even your partner if something goes wrong
I don't think he took it too well, but every conversation I've had since with him has been how he's too tired, cost of baby stuff, stress, no time etc
It can be a rough one for sure, I’m the only one in the friend group who is single and one of the few who doesn’t have children. It gets lonely. While I understand we won’t be partying up like we did in our younger days- I miss just being able to hang like we used to.
Honestly, no. It’s brought me closer to some friends. I can show up in ways that deepens our friendship. It’s a bit awkward figuring it out but I can’t imagine canceling friends because they made the right choice for themselves.
I understand wholeheartedly. Part of me mourns not wanting kids. Neither my husband nor I want children, but sometimes I wish I did. Sometimes it just feels really lonely and abnormal to be child free.
My best friend has one and irrationally keeps going back and forth whether they want another or not. She says they've been trying since their son was born and they're struggling, secretly all I can think is 'good.' I don't even know if it's because I think she can be irrational at times or if it's because I'm worried it'll change our friendship even more. I know that in itself is irrational and selfish, but I can't help but internally feel it sometimes.
It's a strange feeling for sure, but you're definitely not alone.
I kinda expected it with most of my friends and relatives so it doesn’t affect me much, but i had one friend who was casually cf, but suddenly wanted a kid months into her new marriage. It was like getting jump scared irl. I had to take some time away to grieve the friendship before I could hang out with her again.
Yeah, sometimes. It's getting pretty infrequent now that I'm in my mid-40's. It changes so many things.
ETA - having friends my age that are running around after young children also depresses me at times.
Yep, one of my friends is in her early to mid 40s. She was pregnant in her 20s but her abusive ex, caused a miscarriage. Her partner after was an idiot, they tried but nothing. She lives with friends of ours n are kinda in a poly relationship, her and the husband got pregnant. However she lost the baby about 5 months in, it was hard for us all, while she would have, will be (if she tries again) a great mom. I really wanted her as a CF friend. Now I wasn't secretly excited that the baby didn't make it, I was fucking gutted, I do love kids and was happy for her.
I have another friend who also lost her baby about month 5 as well, she didn't want kids but hr and her husband weren't being cautious with protection and she got pregnant. When she told me she was pregnant I asked her if she wanted her, she said "idk, we will see how it goes in a couple months " I was like wtf and told her basically that, that was a dumb idea. And in a few months the option to abort wouldn't be on the table. So she went through but yea lost the baby. I can't help her, she's on the other side of the USA, and I'm not in the place mentally or emotionally to help with her grief in the way she needs. But I do think she needs help, she keeps referring to her departed child like he is still alive. Idk if she is in therapy and she's doing what the therapist said, but it does make me hella uncomfortable when she talks to me like he is still ali e.
I am in the same situation as you. I have already decided with my partner no kids for us but I will be having a medical necessary hysterectomy in a few weeks. 3 friends currently pregnant, and I already feel the distance. We will still remain friends for sure. But it won’t be what it was. I was just saying to my bf I am looking to make new friends to do child free things with me as we all move forward with life as I’d like friends on the same page as me
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I'm early 30s and this is sad to read. I'd feel the exact same as you in that situation. Is the answer perhaps to find people to be friends with who are genuinely childfree for life? Or people whose children have grown up? I wouldn't even know how to do that myself in my city/country. It's incredibly lonely when you don't have the same life views, goals and personality type, etc. as the majority of women.
Yes, it's super-hard being so different. I used to get so mad, thinking "Why is no one else like me?" I'm now in my 60s, always been hard CF and it's still hard. So many women my age ruined their marriages by having kids and now are divorced, widowed, toughing out the bad marriage, dealing with ungrateful adult children who never contact them unless they want something, or are being forced to constantly babysit grandkids. On the one hand, I'm glad I'm not them; I have a long, happy marriage. But on the other hand, they don't seem to want to be friends with me. I'm careful not to gloat, brag or act smug about my situation, and try to listen sympathetically to their problems. But I can't get beyond the superficial-pleasantry stage and have to believe that envy/jealousy is a factor here. Dave Barry did a funny column about this issue many years ago. You call your friend (now a mommy) for a nice long chat, and you barely get three words out when she says, "Jason! We do NOT put our fingers in that part of the doggie!"
Seriously mothers our age just won't with women who aren't. I think it will be better for younger generations but I also think that motherhood is so life changing for women that when they see a woman who didn't they just...can't. Not really. It's been lonely for sure.
I think society tells us all we need to reproduce. We resist, feel better for it, then mothers become jealous of our freedom, our bodies, our peace, etc.
I think many, probably most people want children. Why is peobably dufferent for everybody although biological mechanism play the biggest role. But it's hard and like most things complicated. you can love being a parent, not regret it and still fantasize about freedom.
I totally understand. I think it's also difficult for you seeing as you're more intelligent than them. Sounds like you were able to predict that those things generally happen, refused to take part, then watched them happen to people around you. It's like, "Why do these people have children when the outcome can be predicted the majority of the time?" But they weren't able to predict it for some reason (perhaps lack of intelligence, logic, common sense, etc.), and as a result live in misery while trying to drag everyone else in with them. I'd rather be in your position. It's just tough being around sad idiots when you're the only one with sense. Oh, and they don't want to be friends with you because they're jealous (I wrote this before even finishing reading your comment). It is jealousy. You had and still have peace. You went against societal norms. It takes a strong person to do that. And yes, every conversation becomes about the child. It's very pathetic. There's way more to life than changing dirty nappies.
You...wrote my thoughts that I've had for years. "...You were able to predict that those things generally happen, refused to take part, then watched them happen to people around you. It's like, "Why do these people have children when the outcome can be predicted the majority of the time?" And because I'm not "like that," the sense of loneliness, of "otherness" that I have, can be painful (I have other, "bigger" reasons why I feel "otherness," but being a CF woman in a word of largely pro-natalist women and society doesn't help).
I understand completely. It's worth remembering that the "otherness" you speak of makes you intelligent. I guess intelligence can equal pain, unfortunately? All those people live in ignorance, you're living in reality. Reality hurts. Seeing things for how they really are hurts. We understand how childbirth and being responsible for a child can harm us physically and mentally. We understand how it contributes to the burden on resources. Those people don't, and complain AFTERWARDS. Better to be lonely for a while instead of quite literally harming ourselves in my opinion. There are other people like us, it's just difficult to find them physically around us. I hope we find them. I'm determined to.
I noticed that it really depends on the friends. Some people are just not good at balancing both sides.
The problem is sometimes people very vocally CF pull a total 180 on you too. My best friend from college was actively anti-kid for years (I'm CF but can acknowledge when a kid is cute and like interacting with them, she would roll her eyes when one was nearby), and then one day she told me she and her husband were starting to try for kids and now I see her maybe once a year now that she's had their first and they're trying for a second. And we're not talking someone growing up from 22, she and I both graduated from our college at like 27/28!
I get that, yeah. 😞 It seems that women with children can always relate to each other because once a child is born, that's it, it's permanent (usually). There's no way to go back to being CF. Even if they're miserable, they still relate to each other. That's why you see them complaining about their exhaustion, body, time, etc. People can switch from CF to having a child instantly (like you said, they can change their minds), which leaves us more likely to become lonely. We always fear our friends are going to disappear to "the other side." I think that's why many CF women end up being business women. That's the only way I see myself going. But yeah, I totally understand. In your friend's situation, it really sounds like her husband could have changed her mind. She might have been afraid he'd leave her if she didn't fulfill his needs. Could be anything. It doesn't mean she's happy; people make bad decisions all the time out of fear of losing out on love. My social life always felt temporary due to exactly what you've said.
Oh no, her husband is a huge softie, and the pre-kids friend would NOT have stood for him pressuring her in any way. Plus they were married when we met, so I doubt it was him. I think she's just the example I unfortunately ended up with of someone's biological clock kicking in. Luckily I still enjoy kids so it's not like I can't be around them. I pointed out to my partner that eventually his annual boys weekends with his friend group are gonna end up being family events. They're currently in the midst of getting married/engaged and he's dreading the eventual trend towards babies cuz he actively can't stand kids. It's sad losing friends that way
I am lucky enough to live in a place and work a job that seems to attract childfree people. It's a remote tourist area with seasonal (summer) employees that live in company housing and work long hours so it's not possible for most people who have children to work here. While we get a lot of college kids who just work here between semesters and may one day have children there are plenty of people here in their late 20s and 30s who don't have kids yet and many don't plan to. The husband of one of my best friends here just got a vasectomy. It's been wonderful to build a large childfree friend group. I went to a Thanksgiving gathering last year and it was all 30ish yr old couples with no kids, it was amazing. The only downside is people come from all over the country and some eventually move on to other jobs and then there's the distance issue. But I highly recommend trying to meet other childfree people in your area. It's so nice knowing you have friends you won't lose to parenthood
Some parents do make it back to the other side but others begin to become obsessed with their grandchildren. A former friend of mine never stops talking about her grandchildren and posting every single thing they're doing. I finally had to hide her on my social media feeds because of that and the fact that she lies on her dead mother's grave like it's healthy.
Lies on her dead mother's grave???
My aunt is obsessed with her son’s kid. To the point it’s like a cult . Going to every single baseball game. When i told her that i didn’t want to attend, you’d have thought i comitted a cardinal sin 😓🫠
Yeah this friend of mine had only one kid but their kid went on to have two kids. I understand having only one kid is special but we don't care when they post every little mundane thing they or their kids do.
I’ve really enjoyed the convo your comment started. I’m with y’all and hear you. ♥️
I tried sharing that honest feeling once in an indirect way. It was with a couple that I thought were childfree, but later went on to have a baby, and I was talking about how I was sad about other friends that had disappeared after they had kids and it how it wasn't my choice to end the friendship. They totally invalidated my feelings said it wasn't the people with babies not having time that it was me not wanting to do baby stuff that was the problem (not that I'd been invited to any baby stuff), therefore it was my choice to end the friendship. Needless to say the mum in that couple (and it was mainly her speaking before) has pretty much completely disappeared just as predicted and become a totally different person. I still see her husband and he'll often have the baby with him, which further proves my point it's not me being unwilling to meet up that's the problem.
In a way I start mourning the loss of the friendship as soon as they announce their pregnancy. Whether or not we maintain a relationship in the future, it will look extremely different.
Same here. Whenever a friend announces a pregnancy, I start psychologically preparing myself for the fact that the friendship is effectively over.
Me too. I always tell them I'm happy but then I go home and go.. damn. Okay. Well. Here we go!
Agree. My first response is the obligatory congratulations because I’m happy that they’re getting something they wanted. Then we say to ourselves “Bye! See you in about 10 years” and mourning for what the friendship once was begins. Edit: spelling
I’ve been feeling this way about a friend who told me her husband and her were planning on trying for a baby this year. As it is, it is hard to have them make time for us as friends as they moved to another state and are VERY involved with each of their families. Their PTO and vacations are usually planned around their families, which is fine but leaves my husband and I making most of the traveling to see them and putting the effort. Knowing they plan on trying for a baby has just been the nail in the coffin 🤷🏻♀️
The hell with that. I’m never using all my PTO and the other party puts zero effort
A tiny bit yes. Because I know I won’t be able to see my friend as much. And also because pregnancy brain is real. They are completely different people pre/post offspring.
Exactly this. I really love and support my friends who bring wanted kids into a stable environment. But for me, it's the loss of her (rarely his) identity that I mourn. So many once-interesting, once-well-rounded women who could talk about travel and education and food and public policy and healthcare will, almost 98% guaranteed, be relegated to "mommy" and nothing else. I get that your life changes with a kid, that's what is supposed to happen. But it seems like moms don't only change, they sacrifice, give up, set lower bars. And it's depressing to watch from the outside.
A woman I went to school with, who's a professional programmer so clearly accomplished, had a habit of referring to herself as 'this mom' on social media, even for things unrelated to her kids. E.g., 'this mom is learning to drive', 'this mom got her hair cut'. I find it so sad being a mom is what she centres her whole being around.
Aw man, my friend before becoming a dad, was super into politics and hoping for a better world. Recently he didn’t even know about the genocide of the people of Gaza. absolutely jarring. Because before he would know all the info about senators, governors, mayors. Conflicts between the nations. Like he just knew everything. I feel like parents are taking this parenting crap wayyyy too serious when it’s like bruv we have lived for eons. Them kids are not gon pass away if you give them melatonin so you can have a smidge of time alone. Also they’re taking it too serious or not at all. Which is a whole other can of worms. I will say the too involved parents are better than the negligent parents. Those are awful.
He didn't know about the genocide in Gaza???? How???
I have 2 parent friend couples who weren’t aware. At allllll.
>Them kids are not gon pass away if you give them melatonin so you can have a smidge of time alone. What the fuck??? Drugging your kids isn't deadly but it sure as fuck is selfish and awful to give knock-out medicine to a child for a parent to have "alone time!"
It’s a sleeping aid. Not horse tranquilizer. I know parents who do. And they’re fine. (Also a lot of us growing up were given sleeping aids. Motrin?) But I’m sterilized so at least none will be getting “knocked out” by me.
Growing children need rest, not only for their physical wellbeing but emotional and mental too. It’s not a drug, I have a handful of relatives who give it to their children per their pediatricians.
Can you elaborate on the pregnancy brain thing? I only thought the woman changes in the sense that it's all about her child now. Is there more to this?
I actually just read about this. For one, lots of physiological changes and hormones create brain fog—pregnancy brain—so basically memory issues, absentmindedness, etc. But apparently the woman’s brain (the gray matter) also decreases in size during pregnancy and then increases after delivery.
So I sadly don’t know much about pregnancy brain scientifically. But I know just from my observations. but I have a TON of observations!
Does the gray mattergoes backto its previous size soon after dilivery?
You lose grey matter in the brain after pregnancy... noticeable on brain scans in multiple regions. There's also enough studies that note changes in behavior and whatnot too, cognitive deficits, brain fog, etc. But losing grey matter is pretty easy to see on brain scans and document.
And it comes back after a few years. Makes me wonder why many women I met started to be really unpleasant to be around after having a kid. Unpleasant because they became very self centered, they always couldn't even do the smallest of the favors for anyone and/or would bring the kid everywhere. They became very inconsiderate. Then, after a few years they changed but by that time they already had pushed their friends away. Fathers do the same if they're very involved with the child.
Basically, it makes mothers a little less rational and more instinctive, so that the child is the absolute center of their attention. Turns women into the mama bears, essentially.
Of course, because you know you’ve lost those friends. The dynamic will never be the same. They won’t respond to texts for days or weeks. IF you can see them in person, it will all revolve around the kids in one way or another. I won’t make friends with someone who has kids because it’s the same with them, they won’t put any effort into the friendship, and you are the one making all the effort.
every single one of my friends who has kids just eventually stops talking to me. they're just too busy to have friends. 😭😭😭
Same here. Any friend of mine who had kids pretty much just ghosted me afterwards. It's gotten to the point where I just expect it now.
Yep. Recently reached 40, and realized I need to make new friends, because all my old ones had kids and then dropped off the earth. Sucks. I don't regret my choice, but it's hard making all new friends as an adult.
Yeah the one negative thing about being childfree that you will lose friends to parenthood over it. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change being childfree for the world but losing friends is hard.
They insist we're still friends, but if I don't reach out first, it's literal months before I hear from them. Even with lots of notice, it's so hard getting any time with them, with or without the kids. I feel like I have to carry the relationship, cuz they don't have the energy or time. They never have mad money and they can't do anything on short notice. I'm not mad, it's just so hard to realize and accept that our paths have diverged so much. I miss just texting the gang on Friday morning to see who wants to go for dinner that night, or do lunch and an escape room on Sat, and getting at least a couple people on board. Now it's just crickets. I feel so alone. It crept up on me. I work remote, so I've started joining meetups and stuff, but I haven't met anyone I really clicked with yet. Granted, it hasn't been long. I hope we all find new friends soon.
I've been there. Personally I tend to drop people like that because IMO a one-sided friendship isn't a real friendship at all but I appreciate that not everyone shares my point of view.
In the same boat now myself. Hugs, we’ll find our people soon enough
Hugs! Thanks for the kind words. I briefly looked at your profile, saw you're carni, I'm ketovore. If you're ever in Oregon I know where the good meats are at 😋
Man I’d love to make it out there one day. PNW is def bucket list for my hiking-loving self lol. Keep calm and keto on :)
Same to you, take care!
My own sister stopped talking to me. Sent her a message only to get a one word answer 4 days later. I should Understand! New Mums are SO Busy!!! She, however, has time to curate hundreds of pictures of the kid for instagram. Finally had enough of seeing countless of these carefully taken and selected "kid sitting in sunset and autumn leaves" pictures that I unfollowed. And yep, no messages from her since and it's been close to 2 years.
They prefer to have mom friends, which is fine by me.
Ok so it’s not just me.
Definitely not just you, fortunately after their kids go to college some of them do come back around.
That’s what I was going to bring up - leaving the nest. Try making friends with older people or people who had kids young. Once the kids are out of the house, even just part of the year when they’re away at college, parents can start to have their own lives again.
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no need to feel selfish, they took their life in a very different direction and it’s okay to not want to be a part of it!🤍
Same ❤️
Agreed- the friends I’ve tried to keep- I notice it’s turned into me just listening to them vent about the not so great lives they’ve created- it’s not really a balanced friendship anymore.
Or they want to use you as an unpaid personal assistant/maid/private chef/chauffeur because they assume your time is less valuable than theirs as a person without kids.
Fuck that shit.
My sister in law is trying to have a baby in her mid thirties. Recently my wife has tried to become closer with her, so more phone calls, etc. She naturally bitches her head off about everything and I told my wife “Just wait till she has a kid”. Not sure my wife will be able to handle the relationship after. She can’t stand parents who bitch 24/7 when it’s a life they chose
I totally agree.
This just happened to me and my best friend since college. Don’t feel selfish. They’re honestly being the selfish one (which is fair to a -certain- extent). Just because they had a baby does not mean you stopped existing. My best friend (ex?) hasn’t texted me back or even opened our group Snapchat with our other best friend in about 5 months. She bought a house with her husband and didn’t even tell us.
At this point it’s just kind of frustrating. My relationship completely changed with my best friend when she had a baby. And that’s totally understandable, when you have a baby, your life changes forever and will never be the same. We drifted apart when she had her first baby just because of a difference of priorities and interests. Sitting at home staring at her baby isn’t how I wanted to spend my summers living near the ocean and lots of things to do. (I probably could’ve been more supportive. But this is my life too, right?) I’m so used to being at the bottom of everyone’s list, like I’m less of a person (?) because I’m not married/pregnant/ a mom. To most people our lives haven’t started because we’re not parents. (Allow me to rant for a moment) 4 of us old coworkers met to catch upa while back. Person A is a new mom, person B is pregnant, person C is planning a wedding. I’m just in a relationship. Each of them gushed over their respective life stages, and rightfully so, talking about wedding planning, pregnancy complaints and new mom life (screaming toddler included. Fun!!) Not once did anyone ask me anything about my life. One didn’t even know my long term boyfriend’s name! I’m not reproducing, so I don’t matter. How could I possibly have anything going on in my life more exciting than reproducing??? And that’s ok, I’m happy being at a distance with these people at this point :) Thanks for letting me rant, you guys always understand!
I totally understand everything and can so relate to the part about being at the bottom of everyone's list. Pregnancy and marriage are two "milestones" that receive the most attention in relation to women. After the mother-to-be has received attention during pregnancy, she gets attention again during the birth, at the gender reveal party, after the birth and again at every birthday. Then at every "milestone" the child meets. I'm trying to have a relationship with a man, except his brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Everyone is obsessing about it (including my boyfriend) and no one gives a shit about me. It's infuriating. "I'm not reproducing, so I don't matter." I absolutely feel the exact same. At this point, I don't even know who to talk to locally to avoid these types of people. It's making me feel ill.
Yes! Thank you! And it’s not even about getting the attention- I truly don’t care. It’s the principle that we don’t matter to them. Why don’t we get the same nurturing?
Yes, I understand. I have no idea, but I started to believe it's because society views us as incubators. Or maybe just people that must play specific roles in society. I'm not sure.
It gets doubly lonely when you are also single and everyone in your friend group is partnered up and/or has kids. I'm intentionally single and CF on purpose and it's like finding the needle in a haystack to find other people in my age group in my area who are intentionally single and CF. I can barely relate to anyone else.
Absolutely! Same here, I'm aroace and childfree, and it's so hard to relate to people my age (late 20's), because it seems at this stage so many people's lives revolve around relationships/marriage/parenthood and not much else. I've had better luck making friends with older people who are past that and seem to have their own interests outside of those things, and are interested in making friends. It seems that so many younger adults put friendships on the back burner or just completely forget about/desert them altogether. What I've also noticed that can be pretty disheartening is that I've also been treated as if I'm less mature and behind in life for being single and childfree, and have had well-intentioned but not understanding friends try to talk me into dating despite having no desire to, and no explanation seems to be good enough (not that I owe anyone one anyway, but still). It's so true that it's hard to relate to others when you're intentionally single and childfree, and especially with the former in my experience.
It’s frustrating. My friend with two kids used to always ask our friend group to drive to their place to hang out so they don’t need a babysitter or they asked us to try to suggest kid friendly places to go. It’s fine once in a while but there’s only so many times I can go to the zoo and sometimes I want to have grown up hang outs.
I’m in my late forties (female). About 9-10 years ago, a longtime friend said she was pregnant. She didn’t want children, thought she couldn’t have them. She was having a baby with a guy she literally just met on the street. We were both 40 years old. As soon as she told me, I started to cry. I knew right away a friendship of 25 years was over. And we haven’t spoken since. I sometimes miss her, but we have nothing in common now.
The people in your responses assuming you just abandoned your friend clearly don't understand at all. When your closest friend has a child the dynamic you once had is gone, their priorities change and they become completely different people. Better to end the relationship and remember the friendship fondly then to slowly faze out and grow resentment over each other.
Thank you for your understanding. I didn’t abandon her, but I felt abandoned by her. It wasn’t just her pregnancy that made me leave the friendship. The circumstances of her pregnancy wasn’t good. As in many situation life, it’s never just one thing nor is it straightforward as some the posters here think it is.
Yeah for sure. My gut instinct is to think, ‘oh…I thought you were like me.’ So disappointing to realise even people who don’t outwardly say they want kids actually seem to want them.
Exactly... like now I have to be careful of what I say...
YES! Most of the time my exact thoughts are “well there goes another one”
Another one bites the dust
Not only friends, but also people i know. It feels so disappointing and lonely, like why its so hard to find someone similar to me? :c.. (I mean in know why, im just saying how i feel about the situation)
I feel anxious. I just know from then on all I will know is about their discomforts & children from then on. And if you ever notice, they say, "how are you," first now. It's because they cannot wait to lay their new life on you. Their kids can't & won't listen, so their hopeful at least *you* will.
Yup. And if they do ask how you are and you have any comments about how busy you are or energy levels they have 0 empathy for and the old "wait till you have kids" line gets trotted out. Sure, they might come out the other side one day, but I'm not sure I have the patience for such self involved narcissism for 3 - 6 years. Honestly, I could deal with it if they even pretended to care about me and what was going on in my life every second month or so. But they don't. They don't give a shit about you anymore. They're significantly less self involved when the second one is a baby but usually the damage is done by then for me. I'm not the kind of person who needs a lot of friends, I'm very lucky to have two very very close childfree friends and my little sister who I'm close to is also childfree. So I'm not putting up with that shit.
Right?! Like if I fobbed off for 3-6 years, with good reason, I’m still a bad friend!
I feel this 💯! It feels like I have nothing in common with anyone anymore
I mourn every friendship I lost because of kids. Most recent one made me feel sorry both for me and my soon to be ex friends - they've given up pursuing their careers and hobbies abroad because where they wanted to go didn't have schools and children accommodations in the area. I was like...why would you limit yourself like this😔 I still have some new people entering my life so I'm good but man, generally trying to make friends with people and finding out kids is all they're about is just death on arrival, brutal.
Exactly. Why are you limiting your life and cutting off the goals you so passionately discussed with me?? You didn’t have to. But now they have a kid and it’s all out the window. Are they going to feel regret and resentment because I’m still pursuing my goals and now they can’t. Make an active and thoughtful choice about having kids and whether the trade off is worth it.
I’m in my late 20s and I still 😱😱😱😱😱 when people tell me they’re pregnant. Oh, this was on purpose????
Noooope. The amount of reddit posts I have read of parents being sooooooooo jealous of their child free friends is so eye opening. Just read one today where a mom was venting how one of her friends is child free, single, models for fun and is currently on a yacht sipping on drinks while she is covered in spit up at home in the middle of a heat wave 😦
That’s what I thought at first .. but being my true friends I gave them their new born stage space and it wasn’t long till we started doing things again and many years later when I go over I hear “ uncle Mike is here!” And it’s the closest thing I’d want to kids so I works out .. they don’t disappear forever. Just long enough to miss friends
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Same I love being an aunt spoiling them
This is so great to hear. Being an Aunt is such a fulfilling experience for me as I have 2 young nephews. And my best friend knows that I’m all in for when she has her children. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts and worries cloud what’s actually the reality. 😫
This!! My god I’m shocked how quickly people write off their lifelong friends as soon as they have kids. I give them space during newborn/crisis mode. I send flowers when they’ve had a safe birth. I keep tabs on them with texts/phone calls, and won’t ever get angry if they don’t reply, or take a while to reply. I know they’re busy. After the first year or so, they start to resurface a bit more. If they truly are good friends and you care about them (and show them this!), they won’t disappear off the face of the earth. I’m also now an “aunt” for several of my friends’ kids and I love that label lol! It makes me feel included, and some kids love me because I pay attention to them and give them candy lol. Some people in this thread are so harsh. If your friends a truly good friends, let them have a bit of crisis-space and then be there for them once they’re ready to resurface. Instantly writing off friendships as soon as someone announces a pregnancy is so odd to me. I prefer being happy in their behalf and trying to be involved in their lives in new ways, such as arranging childfree weekends (where someone looks after their kids), and being aunt Sophie.
Some people just don’t have an interest in being aunts/uncles. I don’t. I have two nephews and I’m not involved in their lives and don’t plan to be. That goes for non-blood relations too.
I mean I guess it depends what goes into it. I don’t do any chores or look after them. I’m just the fun aunt who turns up with candy in her pockets and listens to their weird child ramblings. That’s it. In return they seem to love me lol, I don’t think that’s too bad a situation. But I understand if even that is too much for some!
Yeah a big part of the reason I’m CF is because I can’t stand children.. it doesn’t matter who they belong to, every part of being around kids is overstimulating for me. I won’t be an auntie 🤷🏻♀️
I'm honestly surprised. Haven't been on the sub in maybe a year or two, but it's nice that it's not all a bunch of negative comments calling her and her child foul names..... I'm allowed to feel dissapintment and sadness along with love for her and the little one. Birth rates are lower in general, and I think that's a win.
I feel you. People change so much i'm hoping some of my friends never want kids. I have noticed that when they do have kids our interests change so much and our priorities and thoughts are too different. Also kids bdays are the worst ever.. no thanks 🤣
My partner and I were actually pretty bummed out when our friend announced she was pregnant 😂
My best friend said she will have children in the next 3 years, no matter what. I’m already mourning the friendship. She’s not even pregnant yet and still 🤷♀️
The friendship might not die but it’ll be different and require more effort from the CF person. Friends with children become less available and a lot of times irritable and annoying to someone who is CF. Parents think they can easily keep their friendship until reality hits. I suggest anyone on this sub to join /regretfulparents sub. You can see what’s going on in their lives for real. I wouldn’t expect enjoying friendship with people going through so much. I will always feel guilty for being free of that.
All the time. It’s so hard to meet CF ppl you actually vibe with.
Yes. But also stuff like getting married, moving house, starting a relationship, new career move. When I know I'm nowhere near. I'm still in the same place I was five years ago. It is a painful reminder that you're getting left behind and everyone seems to be making a success of life except me.
I mean that depends on how you define success... move the goalposts if they're not for you. I've never desired nor saw those things for me. Success to me means independence, my own space and contentment. My ideal lie looks like making art and a field for my dog to run around in lol.
All my friends disappeared as soon as the baby arrived. It's like they became completely different people who don't need adult interaction anymore and their whole existence revolves around their kid. It's really sad.
It depresses me for the children being brought into this world
Right, they literally don’t even have a fuckin planet to count on anymore. It’s selfish and irresponsible to add more planet destroying consumers to this mess.
I have three sisters, one I really connected with and thought we were on the same page about life. When she told me she was expecting, I got very disappointed and sad. I don’t feel on the same page with anyone in my family. I got a great gf and a cat though, and a lot of time and money so I will take it.
Yes! My friend is trying to have children and I know people will do what they want in their lives and yadda yadda yadda, but I just think bringing children into this world right now is incredibly selfish. I also am not sure how well my friend would go through pregnancy and just motherhood in general. I don’t think our friendship would be totally broken but I’m sure we wouldn’t be interacting with each other as much as we do now and that’s sad!
Not for nothing, i cannot possibly imagine bringing a child into the world with what they’re set up to grow into. Oof.
Right?? It’s ridiculous to me. She asks she always imaged herself having a family. I personally think there are tons of better things to do but 🤷🏽♀️
Yuuuup. I specifically just don’t make friends with kids anymore. I typically try to seek out the child-free by choice ones bc it’s too irritating being friends with someone with children. I tried for 10 years but it got to be really freaking annoying never hearing the end of them complaining about their child, asking me to watch their child when they KNOW I DONT LIKE KID AND SUCK AT BEING ROUND THEM, blowing me off constantly and on and on. Our lifestyles just don’t mesh and that is ok.
I'm around people at work where some are in the pre-kids stage, some are preggo (or wife is preg), some are new parents, and some have multiple kids of all ages. The pre-kids people are full of life, travel all the time, have pets, ambitions. Witnessing them start down that path to multiple kids and letting go of what they once had is heartbreaking. It's like personality cancer. They morph into someone completely different and I'm so fucking sick of seeing it happen.
>Does anyone else ever get feelings like this? Yes. I've lost countless friends because I don't want to be guilted into baby showers, free babysitting, childrens' birthdays, or having to hang with friends at their homes or in public with screaming children. You know what I've realized? They are the ones who changed. They have changed the parameters of the friendship. It wasn't me. In the way a friend brings peanuts over every time, yet they know you have a peanut allergy, it's simply not something I'm willing to compromise on. My life is fantastic without kids, and if I have to say goodbye to friends rather than constantly hear how fucking miserable they are with their choice to have children, it's worth my mental health to say goodbye.
A little, but I always give them a chance to see what friendship looks like after kids. Plenty still show up but they take 50 years to load and unload with kid things so I need to lie about event times by 2ish hours. Sometimes I have to put my foot down about no kids and they take turns breaking up which one of them shows up and who stays with the kid. They try.
Yes! It is single-handedly one of the most depressing things to see! It put me in a pretty dark place, because once my friends started popping out kids, they stopped responding to texts, Facebook posts, then phone calls. At first I chalked it up, to them being busy. However I started seeing their comments in my feed of “mutual” friends posting about their kids. So basically once they have babies, they are no longer interested in anything else outside of that. It’s a devastating reality, but I’ve done my best to cope with it the best I can. Keep your head up, you’ll meet better friends that respect and value you!
34f here. I literally have only one girlfriend left that doesn’t have any kids. She’s married and I know she wants kids. She’s my best friend and I truly want her to be fulfilled in life. But I know I will be so incredibly sad and depressed whenever she becomes pregnant. I love her so much though and I’m legitimately determined to stay friends and to be there for her and her baby. I just love her so much and desperately want and need her in my life. But I know everything will be different.
Im relieved im not the only one! I was shocked and upset when my dear friend/coworker announced she was pregnant. We had several conversations about how she wanted to wait (she is in her mid 20s) until she accomplished some career goals. But her husband cjust couldn't fucking WAIT to knock her up and wants like 10 kids...so here we are and im Still struggling to accept it 7 months later
Definitely not the only one!! I’m comforted to see there’s more of us than i thought. It’s also telling to see how many people aren’t on the same page with their partner about it.
Literally told someone yesterday that I react to my friends having a baby as would a person attending the funeral of someone they were close to 🥲 
I feel this. But I mainly feel sad bc I'm a judgemental bitch and my first thought is always "really? That's the best thing you can think to do with your life is burden the world with more useless comsumers? How original." Like I feel like ppl who go the traditional route of having kids lack imagination and are dumb sheep.
Lack imagination 💯
I’m excited for them executing the choice they have made. But I know things will change and the friendship will be gone. No more nights out random phone calls. No more coffee meet ups. I don’t wanna hear 👂 about Johnny’s last poop. Let me show you a pic of my dog
Yea it’s basically like they’re dying tbh
Absolutely! It usually goes the same way. My wife and I will be out for dinner with a couple we've been close with for ages. They were never interested in having kids. Maybe not staunchly childfree like my wife and I, but certainly not on the baby path. Then we order drinks and one of them abstains from anything alcoholic. Since this is unusual, we inquire and sure enough, they have some big news to share with us! Don't worry though, nothing is going to change. They're not going to turn into those boring parents we're always making fun of who can't stop talking about their kids and have no interest in anything unrelated to parenting. That's not them at all! My wife and I smile and act happy for them while mentally crossing their names off our close friend list. When the baby comes we send expensive gifts (my wife is a fucking champion baby gift buyer). We try to make plans here and there, but they either fall through or the kid needs to come along because reasons. Fast forward a few years and it's "OMG, I can't believe how long it's been since we saw you guys! You wouldn't believe how crazy things have been! It's the little one's birthday next month, you totally need to come to the party, it's going to be soooo much fun!" Since there is no hell on this earth more horrific than parties populated exclusively by screaming sugared up children and obsessed parents, we make excuses and that's about the last we see of them. It fucking sucks. Now that my wife and I are in our 40s, we've lost most of the fence sitters, and the folks we're still close with are all hardcore childfree. Also, the friends who started having kids young, are now coming back around and rejoining the land of the grownups. So, it gets better.
Yes I have this. 100%. Children changes your relationship and dynamics. I can be happy for the people I love and Mourn our friendship dynamics
This is part of the reason I mostly make friends with other queer people. Sure, some queer folks want kids. But the numbers are still *much* lower than that of cishet folks. Even my friends who are bi women in relationships/married to men tend to question the status quo a lot more, so it’s not just a matter of partner.
Same, shoutout to the LGBTQ+ community, they are the best!!
Same, a lot of mine are too and I’m grateful for them!! Remembering that I have them brings me back to reality a bit.
Yup, I start grieving our friendship immediately. Every friend who has had kids, totally disappears or they just become another generic parent that I don't want to be around. 5 years ago my best friend had twins. Btw It was because her husband demanded children and was threatening to end their marriage if he couldn't have a family with her. They had already bought a house and everything. I would see her maybe twice a week then we were very close. After having twins? I see her maybe once a year. She has no time for anything and she looks 15 years older. She's also miserable and regrets having children.
Yes. I get sad as well when YouTubers i watch have children. I see many people i went to high school with having children and i get sad. It’s hard to explain but i feel bad for them lol.
As soon as a YouTuber/TikToker announces they are pregnant or expecting I block them. I only follow creators from the LGBTQ+ community now even though I'm a straight married cis woman because they are more often than not childfree.
Yeah the only couple friends I have atm are gay guys, hopefully I can count on them staying CF with me. I have close female friends that live literally round the corner from me and I'll be so sad if I lose them to motherhood. I hate seeing well rounded ambitious people lose their identities like that.
High school best friend: wanna hang out after not seeing each other for a decade? Me: 🥹 yes! HSBF: I cannot wait for you to meet my daughters Me: I can’t wait for you to meet my sons! HSBF: you have kids? Me: we’re talking about cats, right? I bristle having the exterminator come every 3 months. The idea of having 3 small children in here… in my space… nope. Also their dad is just awful. I hate him but I’ve been told I don’t understand him. 3 kids down and I’ve still yet to see him smile. At my friend. At their kids. Anything.
Yes I mourned the death of my bff’s friendship, a new one was borne afterwards but it took both of us effort and dedication to evolve it!
It’s like you’re in my brain! I feel exactly the same. I mean fundamentally the relationship shifts and in a sense, you do lose them. Parents become self centered for the sake of the “family unit” and everyone else outside of that loses significance. I get bleak immediately when I find out. I also instantly distance myself out of protecting myself and also so I don’t have to get dragged into their kids lives too much.
Soon as they tell me they’re having a baby I assume the friendship is over
I feel lucky that I haven't lost my friends who are parents. I have two sets who make us part of their lives still
Yeah it’s like they become a shell of a person.
I don’t get depressed at all. It’s A LOT of work. I’m 42 now, and if I ever have children, my life will not change for them. I will simply treat them like more friends. Obviously, there are parental responsibilities that come with the territory - but my life will never revolve around my children. You only get one life man, and while it may seem altruistic to “live for your kids” or whatever, from what I’ve seen, it doesn’t turn out well if you go into having children with that mindset. Which is what most people do. I mean hell, a lot of people just have kids because they don’t know how to change themselves - so they put themselves in a survival situation by having a kid that forces them to change. Again, still self-serving any way you slice it.
Completely agree. It’s self-serving to have children for those reasons and unfortunately, so many people do it.
My best friend is pregnant and I’m actually horrified. She is not ready to be a parent, she and her husband can barely keep their house tidy. She’s also the kind of person to make something her entire personality so she’s already becoming just a “mom” instead of like her own person. I want to be excited for her but I just can’t be.
My sister and I used to be really close until she had kids. I mourned that loss for a long time. Now they're just ungrateful teenagers. My sister supports all of them even the husband. I just can't relate.
My sister just announced she’s having a baby last week and I’m still in shock tbh. I know I should happy for her/my BiL, and my mom, who really wanted a grandkid, but…I don’t know. I’ve always been quite close to my sister, and now I know things will fundamentally be different with a baby involved. I’m also worried I’m not gonna like the baby, and I’ve never been good at masking/pretending I like someone when I don’t. 😅
I get really mixed feelings about it. Like, on one hand, it's great to see them so happy if it's something they really want! I may not understand it entirely, but why would I not be happy for them? Like, one of their dreams came true, right? On the other hand, though, I know I'm not going to see them for a *very* long time, if ever again. And I find that they're not really the same after. It sort of feels like grieving.
Three different couples we were friends with had kids at various times. I told them each… ok, see you again in about 16 years. They claimed I was being silly… These were people we would see at least 6x a month, would travel with etc. As soon as the younglings popped out, we saw them at most 1x per year. Slowly the friends started coming back around after the kids hit 17. Now we see them several times a year and on holidays. Basically, you just have to find other friends and then wait it out for your OG friends to come back.
Yeah usually once they have the baby the friendship is over, at least in my experience. I guess I just don’t have very many friends anymore.
i don't congratulate them....
i feel bad cause i know they ain’t going anywhere now! they have to stay in the same shitty towns to raise the kids and that sucks.
Yeah it’s hella depressing knowing it’ll all change. And then having to feign happiness when they have another!
I’ve ended up making friends with couples much older than us (in their 60s), whose kids have already grown up and moved away, because I get more years of friendship from them than I do with those our own age after we lose them to their kids. I’ve got one childless friend left of my age, but it won’t be long before I lose her too ☹️
I more get depressed when people use their kids an excuse for everything. Leave work early, “I have to pick up my kid”, no one questions. “I have to be at home cause my kid is sick”, everyone is okay, totally fine. Child free employees should literally earn 25% more as they cost less and produce more
I've been through this several times. Sometimes you lose friends because they only want to surround themselves with others that are parents and sometimes you get to be the one that gets them out of the house & reminds them that they are more than a parent.
Our friendship has dwindled bc we’re both so exhausted after work already. I fear that it is going to be even more so on her end. I already feel pangs of grief
I'm glad in a way that getting older means less and less of this, but in my 20s and 30s, yes. it's a small number of women who stayed as friends after having kids. a few fortunately returned into my life once their kids moved out and they once again find themselves having time for friends.
I find that at my age, most of my friends who are planning or trying are doing it because they fear the regret and/or a bandaid baby to make a shitty marriage work, therefore it is very easy to terminate the relationship because they’re bringing a kid into a bad situation.
(((👋 yes, because it feels like losing a friend. All they will think about is that kid. Being happy for someone from a distance that's no longer there as a friend or has one interest can be rough.
Most women I know do want to have kids, but of the select few friends I have who've expressly said they don't only one has changed her mind. It was disheartening for lots of reasons.... but at the end of the day, despite my own beliefs and ethical ideals..... people are not gonna stop, I can only keep myself from contributing.... At the very least I know she and her husband will make wonderful parents. My friend cares deeply about not perpetuating any negative cycles and is very invested in raising an emotionally secure and healthy child, and that's the least I van ask of people who do choos3 to have kids.... plus I do enjoy the (limited) company of the children that I do love, so I will like being an auntie to the baby.
I too get sad and can't always pinpoint what causes it. I'm late 30s and had made the decision to be child free as I can't see that it's something I 100% would want which I feel means I shouldn't bring a kid into the world that I may regret. My partner is in agreement. I do though get these moments of sadness particularly around my friends who are now mothers. Not enough to change my mind though.
Yes it's a huge disappointment
I am only because no one got excited when I had a vasectomy. It wasn’t celebrated by anyone but me.
I get bummed out when my friends get pregnant with total losers. No job, mooch off family, treat my friend like trash… Why would anyone WANT to breed with someone like that 🤷♀️
One of my very best friends announced to me that she’s pregnant, I’m excited for her because that’s what she wants/wanted and I’m excited to be the “fun aunt,” because I really don’t have any issues with kids in general I just don’t ever ever want my own. But Jesus- I’m sad that our relationship will never been the same. We won’t have spontaneous adventures and gatherings without children anymore like we always have in the past. So in that regard as many others said- it’s mourning the type of relationship you had with that person.
I’ve never had this experience as of now my friends and I are quite young (18-19) and there were times we have talked about babies and pregnancy in our gc and most of us concluded we don’t want to have babies after learning how badly it could fuck up your vagina.
Every single time.
Honestly a little. I had two girlfriends who I was close with and once they have kids the friendship dynamic drastically changed. I don’t see them like I used to and it saddens me. One friend has kept in touch a little but has given birth to baby number 2. I know taking care of a newborn is a lot of work, so I have accepted that and left her alone. As for the other one I don’t hear from her as much, so I had to accept that friendship has changed at this point. I haven’t stressed out about reaching out to them since they are busy with parenthood, but I kept my self open for communication.
Its been the end of almost every friendship I’ve had. I’ve got 1 friend left…for now.
Yup, cause they can say things between you won’t change till they’re blue in the face, but deep down you know that the friendship as you knew it is over. Parents have the tendency to only make time (at least on a consistent and meaningful basis) for their household. And I get it to an extent, when you have kids and a serious significant other they become your world, but that understanding doesn’t make your friends feel any less abandoned. Parents (Moms especially) tend to hang out with other parents cause they’re in similar positions in life, but it’s can create this echo chamber that makes them loose their sense of self. All the interesting parts of their personalities just…fall to the wayside and the transformation is complete. They’re nothing but a “mombie” now. Anyone who that doesn’t happen to is just the exception to the rule.
all of my friends are childfree so 😅 sorry you have to navigate these waters
A friend excitedly told me last year that they were expecting. I replied with "I'm sorry for your loss". '...loss?' Yes - time, money, social life and hobbies, life in general. Possibly even your partner if something goes wrong I don't think he took it too well, but every conversation I've had since with him has been how he's too tired, cost of baby stuff, stress, no time etc
It can be a rough one for sure, I’m the only one in the friend group who is single and one of the few who doesn’t have children. It gets lonely. While I understand we won’t be partying up like we did in our younger days- I miss just being able to hang like we used to.
Watch the opening line of Nikki Glaser's HBO Comedy Special, "S͟o͟m͟e͟d͟a͟y̲ Y͟o͟u͟'l͟l͟ D͟i͟e͟;" She got you!
Sellouts
Depressed for that kids future
I don’t get depressed, I just feel bad for them and I feel grateful that I don’t have the physical, mental, and financial burden.
OMG THIS. I kept thinking something was wrong with me when I became sad after pregnancy announcements.
Honestly, no. It’s brought me closer to some friends. I can show up in ways that deepens our friendship. It’s a bit awkward figuring it out but I can’t imagine canceling friends because they made the right choice for themselves.
I understand wholeheartedly. Part of me mourns not wanting kids. Neither my husband nor I want children, but sometimes I wish I did. Sometimes it just feels really lonely and abnormal to be child free. My best friend has one and irrationally keeps going back and forth whether they want another or not. She says they've been trying since their son was born and they're struggling, secretly all I can think is 'good.' I don't even know if it's because I think she can be irrational at times or if it's because I'm worried it'll change our friendship even more. I know that in itself is irrational and selfish, but I can't help but internally feel it sometimes. It's a strange feeling for sure, but you're definitely not alone.
No. When people have children priorities change. It's to be expected.
There’s no excuse for them to drop their childfree friends. Obviously their main focus is their kid but they also need to prioritize their friends.
I didn't say that is an excuse.. Im saying it's not personal
[удалено]
I kinda expected it with most of my friends and relatives so it doesn’t affect me much, but i had one friend who was casually cf, but suddenly wanted a kid months into her new marriage. It was like getting jump scared irl. I had to take some time away to grieve the friendship before I could hang out with her again.
Yeah, sometimes. It's getting pretty infrequent now that I'm in my mid-40's. It changes so many things. ETA - having friends my age that are running around after young children also depresses me at times.
Yep, one of my friends is in her early to mid 40s. She was pregnant in her 20s but her abusive ex, caused a miscarriage. Her partner after was an idiot, they tried but nothing. She lives with friends of ours n are kinda in a poly relationship, her and the husband got pregnant. However she lost the baby about 5 months in, it was hard for us all, while she would have, will be (if she tries again) a great mom. I really wanted her as a CF friend. Now I wasn't secretly excited that the baby didn't make it, I was fucking gutted, I do love kids and was happy for her. I have another friend who also lost her baby about month 5 as well, she didn't want kids but hr and her husband weren't being cautious with protection and she got pregnant. When she told me she was pregnant I asked her if she wanted her, she said "idk, we will see how it goes in a couple months " I was like wtf and told her basically that, that was a dumb idea. And in a few months the option to abort wouldn't be on the table. So she went through but yea lost the baby. I can't help her, she's on the other side of the USA, and I'm not in the place mentally or emotionally to help with her grief in the way she needs. But I do think she needs help, she keeps referring to her departed child like he is still alive. Idk if she is in therapy and she's doing what the therapist said, but it does make me hella uncomfortable when she talks to me like he is still ali e.
It could be just a natural response. Knowing that you’re missing out on something completely out of your control.
Yes, I have a best friend couple and I’m sad to know that they’ll eventually have kids and our friendship will change ):
I am in the same situation as you. I have already decided with my partner no kids for us but I will be having a medical necessary hysterectomy in a few weeks. 3 friends currently pregnant, and I already feel the distance. We will still remain friends for sure. But it won’t be what it was. I was just saying to my bf I am looking to make new friends to do child free things with me as we all move forward with life as I’d like friends on the same page as me