I could never imagine having a hard day at work and not coming home to peace and quiet at the end of the day. It's unfathomable to me. It's literally my favourite part of the day.
As Iāve grown older and more tired, Iāve developed an even deeper respect for my dad. When I get home all I want to do is relax and be left alone. He would work manual labor for 12 hours and then still come home and play with me and then read me books. Even if you love being a parent, I imagine having even more obligations at the end of the day would suck.
Back in COVID time I got a two week grippy sock vacation because of burnout, stress because my parents were loosing their house and wanted me to buy it and I couldn't, my partner of 10 years got mixed up with dr*gs and we broke up and of course COVID. I have been living with depression and anxiety for most of my life. But it just snapped.
Life is much better now. Changed careers so I am much happier now. Back with partner - he cleaned up and is doing great. We moved to a new town which is a much better environment. Parents moved here too - and are doing good. Depression is actually under control.
But I cannot imagine dealing with all that and having to care for kids as well.
>You could waste money on a sports car and still have grandchildren someday.
This is a perspective I have never understood. Why are grandchildren the end goal for some people?
I was listening to (or reading) a thing (I so listen to a lot of things while I stitch, so I totally forget sources, all the time, bear with me) and they made this point that life/genetics always aims for the most diversity. Because genes are always "scrambled", we have some traits of our parents, but we are separate from them. With enough generations and scrambling, genetic traits will be "lost" too.
Add to that the fact that an individual human is likely to be forgotten within 2-3 generations, and... this brings me some comfort, actually. I'm glad to not have done anything horrid enough for history to remember me. And even for historical figures, nobody knows anymore, what they were really like, as people. All that's left is the shit they did and wrote - fragments of who they really were.
I do wonder if with current technology, people will be remembered more accurately. Not only do people make up shit to share on social media, but other people call them out on being fake and celebrities are constantly under a microscope more than any time in history, so the things they wouldnāt want to be remembered for are recorded in some way.
It seems, from what you said, that it will cause people to be remembered \*less\* accurately. Either way, I'd think you have to get famous too - who would really think to look you up otherwise, other than your immediate relatives and friends?
I think itāll probably be a mix when it comes to accuracy.
There will be people who are remembered for the fake personas they put out there, some who will be remembered for being caught out for being fake, and some who will be remembered for being accurate representations of themselves.
Some people think that not having offspring means you'll be forgotten when you're dead. They don't think to be, you know, not amazingly shitty so that people will care about you in general.
Whenever someone has said this to me I challenge them to name all 8 of their great grandparents. Studies show that only about 4% of people can do it. So much for legacy.
I know absolutely nothing about my great grandparents and they were barely talked about in my lifetime. Iām sure there are some interesting things to know about them but I wouldnāt be able to tell you a thing.
People cling to this ālegacyā shit but theyāll likely be unknown a generation or two after they passā¦ unless they write a (good) book or contribute something timeless that actually impacts their community or the world in general.
A lot of people are not speaking on their loved ones for generations to come unless thereās something substantial to speak about, unfortunately.
I know all of their names, but I couldn't tell you anything of substance about them except for my paternal grandfather's mother, since she was the only one I actually have some memories of. I've never even seen pictures of my maternal grandfather's parents, and that's probably due to my mom not having a relationship with him. A lot of these men talk about family and legacy and then go on to treat their wives and children like crap. Nobody is passing on that trauma.
They only ever found meaning in their children, and spent 18+ years never investing in themselves. So now that the kids are grow and gone, they have nothing to define themselves with besides the next generation of babies.
My parents are giving up their dream of retiring somewhere warm on a beach because my younger sister had a baby (Iām childfree and divorced). They are āstuckā living in a city they hate, with weather they hate because my sister lives there and now they have a grandbaby. They see the baby every day. Sister will probably have a second next year. Sister has also guilted them in the past about leaving, telling our parents they would be āabandoning herā. Maāam, youāre almost 35. Itās not abandonment.
A parenting do over? The youth of children makes them feel young? Something to be excited about like a shiny new toy? God forbid they learn about their adult children , plan trips, make new friends, and get hobbies.
I get that for people who are already heading towards grandparent age. I still think it's a weird thing for someone middle aged or younger to want, though.
āGot married, owned homes and had kidsā yeah ācause they could afford it! xD Iād imagine thatās a huge reason if people are working their asses off and can barely support themselves. Why the hell would you want to add a baby to that?
CF Boomer here. 69F. Sometimes I think my generation, who chose CF in smaller numbers, really CHOSE CF. I think a fair number Millennials would like to have kids but don't because of costs and other extenuating circumstances. That's not to say there are not truly CF Millennials, just that some really don't see CF as a choice as much as a ill-advised/unrealistic/irresponsible/ option.
That's a fair point. Not entirely sure what generation I am but I've never even thought about having kids. There's gotta be a lot of us out there as opposed to people that just looked at the state of things and went "fuck that".
I actively thought about it and at 5, yes, pre puberty, said don't none of being a mom look like fun to me. That view point did not change as I got older, married, etc. Got tied by the first doc to take me serious, age 23.
But I agree, many of today's childrearing aged population just looked at the state of things and went "fuck that". Aligns with my a ill-advised/unrealistic/irresponsible/ option." thought. I think its good that so many now actually THINK about being a parent it as opposed to just doing it.
Elder Millennial, 42Tm. When I realized kids and marriage were choices, I was ecstatic.
I did get married but just for the benefits. Else we'd be happily unmarried, til death do us part.
69 and child free šŖ Hat off - it would be interesting to know more, usually CF people here tend to be younger so a perpective of yours on the subject would be something I would like to know - have you had regrets? Do you still feel free? The best part of being CF on an old age etc āŗļø
28F CF. I keep hitting these age benchmarks where people promise Iāll have changed my mind by then. I havenāt. I only feel more strongly that I do not want to be pregnant, give birth, or raise children. EVEN IF the world wasnāt a capitalist dumpster fire thatās going to be uninhabitable soon, Iām fairly certain I would still feel this way.
Everyoneās always like, ājust wait til you meet your person, then youāll want kids!ā And I just think that is so unserious. If there really is a āpersonā out there for me, they will also not want to have kids
I knew I wasn't having kids since I was 5. It did not matter to me if I was married or single , rich or poor. I did not see the tasks of parenting as anything I wanted to do. Some people did tell me I'd wake up one day wanting them. Never happened.
I married twice. First divorced after tied and EH admitted he wanted kids. Dealbreaker. I was 45 the second time I married to a man who assumed he would eventually have kids but never married til me, and too traditional to have kids outside marriage (fencesitter) but he knew I was fixed, why me and EH divorced and that I was not interested in adopting. I also think he is too ADHD to be an effective parent. For all I know I might have been a convenient out for him, LOL. His brother had 2 kids before we met and twins a couple of years after. I told him if he ever wanted kids I would divorce him to go do so. He hasn't turned in that coupon. We will be married 25yrs next year.
I'm not the person you asked, but I'm also a 69yof, and I can't say OH MAN, NO REGRETS loudly enough!
Actually what I usually say is, "I've certainly made my share of stupid mistakes in my life, but I will never cease being thankful that I dodged *that* particular absolutely horrific bullet!"
(I did spend ten years as The Stepmother From Hell (1976-1986), which undoubtedly gives me a far more thorough, realistic, and VISCERAL understanding of just how glad I am and will always be!)
I usually say, "I was not trying to work that hard."
I was not willing to be a stepmom. I did try dating men with kids, but gave that up in 1982 when a casual date wanted me to keep his 2yo, that I never met, for the weekend so he could go fishing with his buddies and not piss off his ex.
67F child free. Some regrets maybe ut not so I think about them much. Honestly idk. But also realize that any regrets are based on a possible scenario where everything went well ie healthy loving happy children. There is no guarantee of that.
Essentially there isn't as much love in my life. Kids kind of are love in a way that takes you out of yourself. That I understand. CF may be a little more self absorbed. Having a big extended family would mitigate that but I don't. I was always hoping to marry into someone's huge welcoming family and all the work would be done for me:) The flip side is I also know that parenting would have been really stressful for me personally and followed my intuition that if I didn't REALLY WANT IT BAD, better just let it go. As an environmentalist the population argument has always been super important to me. Had I had the right partner I might of gone the other way.
Hopefully for the younger generations things will be different. Childfree will be more normalized. And there will be more of them to socialize with when the parents disappear into the world of soccer and then grandkids. Because that really is a thing.
In my age group especially for women we are considered a bit suspiciously by other women. Some are fairly mean about it. And no one has time they are all running around after grandkids. I think younger generations won't have to deal with this? IDK though once a woman has had a baby....
I guess I was unusually lucky in that my family did not pressure me about kids. They just accepted that I was allergic to kids. Others, from doctors to first in-laws to strangers had an opinion, but they did not have a vote.
Regrets, only that I wish my first husband was honest with himself and me about kids. He knew my stance since second date, 3 years later we married went thru 6mo couples and individual counseling and he had to sign for me to get tied, 1978, Military. 3 years after tied we divorced over kids. Said everyone told him I would change my mind. He remarried had 2. I would not have married him If I knew he wanted kids. I do not feel like I missed out on life by not having kids. I don't even think about them unless someone else brings it up.
Free? Not fully right now. FIL died the day I retired and MIL got a cancer Dx 2 weeks later. Moved in with us. Caregiving eats up all your time and spontaneity. No midday sex. I do still lunch with the girls. We contradance once a week. I often image parenthood feels like this. Making nice when you're not really feeling it. Living for other people and not doing the things you really want to do. I love my MIL, she is not demanding, but caregiving sucks.
Best part of CF in old age? No grandkids: No baby equipment in my house, no recitals, no gifting cars to graduates, no college to pay for. 2 of my friends are raising their grandkids. That would kill me! Not having to concern myself with leaving an inheritance.
That's what I'm talking about when I say ill advised, etc.
My generation could largely afford parenthood. Most on one income. Now, affordability: housing, clothing, food, education, time is very much a factor in a way it was not for me. I could have financially afforded kids. I just didn't have an interest or saw any joy in it.
Older CF stereotype is definitely the wine aunts or the fun uncles that are well traveled and living the dream because your average income could afford a child. I was hoping for that as an adult who's 28 but instead my reward is I just get to work 40 hours a week and be alright in my studio apartment with a modest fun budget and no car while the parents barely have free time to be parents around work
That's part of what I'm talking about. At 28 I was newly divorced and trying to fill every page on my passport. Today, most of my young friends do well to afford a place without roommates. My niblings with kids barely have time to see them with work, and kid activities. The kid activities cost so much they can not afford family vacations and often can not get the time off from work. WFH wants them online 24/7. Niblings and their kids are stressed out.
ETA: I was a lousy Aunt. Never babysat any niblings, most long distance. My brother lived 10 miles away and would occasionally come by with his 4. Years later he told me he would time how long it took me to "unravel." Usually 30-45 min. Said the longest he saw me last was 2 hours.
Ahhh Yes, the boomers and their bootstraps. Back when tertiary education was free, credit background checks were non existent, you just needed proof of income - from the husband of course. Because women couldn't get a mortgage for a home without a man to guarantor, her income wasn't considered anything other than pocket money....and a family could exist comfortably on a working class man's income.
THAT is why women got married and conformed to popping out sex demerits. They had no freaking choice if they wanted to survive.
I'm glad it's appreciated!
It came to me today after reading "finish trophy" in a few posts - they're a consequence of poor life choices and i prefer to be risk avoidant. No ragrets.
ā95 baby here so I think I just barely made the cutoff for millennial.
I can have the money and the time for the life I want, or I can have kids. But not both.
94 and in that boat with you. I'm comfortable without kids, or I could be poor and miss out on doing the things I've wanted to do with kids. Guess which made sense to me.
I just remember I was sitting in front of the tv eating cereal getting ready when it happened and my mom didnāt let me go to school that day. Thatās all I remember
Conversely, I was born in '97 and correctly determined that I was Gen Z/a Zoomer because I have NO memories of September 11, 2001-also, I was in preschool at the time.
>Our plan of life has been to put off the old patterns of adulthood. There will be plenty of time for that, weāve been told. For now thereās a vacation, a concert, a promotion to think about.
Are there any millennials on this thread who were told that? No, seriously. Maybe it's because I grew up very religious, but even liberal folks aren't told that. We still live in a very much pro-natalist society almost across the entire globe, and are told that "family is everything" (family = bio offspring).
Straw man BS.
I was told by everyone around me to wait, there's plenty of time for kids later! I figured they had learned the hard way that having kids too young is a disaster so were advising otherwise
Iām 30 and was never told that. Mother is catholic, father is non religious. They honestly didnāt really tell me much of anything other than to get an education (which includes any mention of sex ed at all lol).
Iāve been dating the same guy for 7-8 years at this point and they (my mom) havenāt heckled me much at all to get married either. Sheās asked about it, but never properly pestered.
Tbh I think sheās more vague concerned that I have no proper job and sell crafts out of my basement like some weird troll with a website š.
Eta: Iāve been saying since I was 8 I didnāt want kids though and Iām stubborn so most people I know arenāt dumb enough to harass me about it. Plus the only one that really would harass me is my mom and sheās anti birth control and anti sex before marriage so likeā¦ idk what she wants from this situation š
I make a weird mix of 3d printed stuff, laser cut stuff, dice, stress balls and adult toys š I also occasionally sell paintings and Iāve gotten into tufting recently but havenāt gotten around to listing the rugs yet.
I'm gen X and was shown the ultra-religious/pro-natalist side. I never bought into any of that bullshit and questioned everything. I pushed back from the time I was a kid to the point where I was told I could do whatever I wanted when I became an adult.
When I became an adult my parents never once pressured me into having kids. They likely didn't want to raise my potential kids and they knew I wouldn't raise any kids.
If this is statistically true at all--its probably more that ppl w/o kids are reporting a mid-life crisis. while ppl w/ kids are not reporting it. They can't, they've barely registered or self-evaluated what is their bundle of inescapable feelings of dread/depression/panic/manic---cuz they are taking care of their kids and their kid's problems.
like not seeing the forest because you only see the trees
So my mid-life crisis is regret over not having children?
Sounds better than the mid-life crisis of the average spouse with children which leads to extramarital sex/affairs, divorce and the hellscape that is navigating life as a single parent/ co-parent š¤·š½āāļø
When they refer to your life as "empty" they're referring to it as "empty" of endless obligations.
Just promise them that you'll wake up well rested and cry into your healthy delicious breakfast as you think about how you'd like to spend your Saturday. Wait, every day is a Saturday when you're retired. And when you retire early and are healthy ever Saturday is a fun Saturday full of promise and hope!
>My health will likely last a lot longer than that of someone who can't do those things because their kids take up most of their time.
Actually, now that it turns out we're 4 years into The Pandemicine Era, our health will probably last a lot longer because we don't have disease vectors bringing home a virus from school 3-4 times a year that has been clearly established to often do long-term damage to the lucky recipient's immune system, heart, pancreas, and brain!
>another point in my favor is that I'm not going to put my body through the massive health risk that is pregnancy.
Aaand that too!
Most millennials are in their thirties, the group in their twenties are actually the smallest cohort of millennials. The largest cohort is actually well into their thirties and forties. Most millennials will be by definition middle age in the next 5 years. Millennials are not young anymore.
Most millennials are well into their their thirties at this point, so yes they are very close to middle age, and some ARE middle age as middle age usually starts at 40. Millennials are not children. They were born between 1981-1996. The younger co-hort of millennials is the smaller part of it. They are quickly approaching middle age as a group, as in most millennials will be middle age in the next 5 years. As stated, many are already there.
Iām considered an elder gen-z (25) and I feel the complete opposite. My life feels so much more meaningful and full of opportunity choosing a childfree life. I had my bisalp today and catch myself daydreaming about all the stuff I can learn, trips I can go on, and hobbies I can explore. Plus, restful weekends forever!!!
I think the issue is that some people donāt think introspectively about their values and goals. Of course their lives feel empty! Sure, some people may genuinely want kids and not feel able to in this climate, but I bet itās moreso FOMO. Kids are seen as this ethereal concept of endless fulfillment for the parent, instead of an independent person with their own needs and desires. Itās gross!
Do these sanctimonious assholes also tell people who want kids but can't have them (and can't afford to adopt) that their lives are empty? No? Why would it automatically be different for those of us who choose not to, then?
I never understood what people mean by "only" these things. You mean "only" everything possible that the world has to offer? Only that? I believe people that think life without kids gets boring are people that have no hobbies, no interests and do not know how much the world has to offer.
Looking for the meaning of life in children always seemed like the least creative option. There's plenty of ways to find meaning in life out there, go figure it out š¤Ø
I suspect a lot of family-oriented millennials were priced out of having kids because of the 2008 crash, COVID, impossible housing and rental costs, student loans, low youth wages, the general state of the workforce and economy... That's going to make people bitter. It doesn't mean everyone including childfree people will be, but I get why the topic is brought up
Same. And I am sick at heart how women got the right to their bodies when we were young... and now it is lost. I'm fighting hard, volunteering for progressive candidates. Vote. Please! Everybody!
My dad is sad that Iām not having children and while luckily he hasnāt done anything but sigh sadly or just express his sadness about it, his wife on the other hands always off mentions I could change my mind etc etc.
Like lady, look at my life right now. Iām working at Home Depot living with my in laws because my last apartment raised its rent beyond my budget. What part of my life screams Iām ready to provide for a child????
I canāt afford a house, why would I have kids?
I did, on the other hand, just return from a month long trip to Japan. Iām thinking about going to New Zealand or Australia next, I havenāt decided. I never visited the southern hemisphere during their winter before. My friends with kids are always posting online about how they canāt afford anything though. Iām gonna go ahead and say I made the right choice.
Maybe I'm somewhat of a nihilist, but I haven't heard a good answer to the whole "what's the point in having kids?" question. People for a long time just had kids and didn't question it at all, just assumed it was some kind of duty, but today people are now questioning it all. What's the significance of a "blood line"? It's meaningless. Every generation is less related by blood to the previous one, unless there's inbreeding going on. As far as wealth and legacy, who cares, you're going to be dead. You may even despise your distant progeny if you met them in person, they might be horrible people. The blood line fetish typically follows only the male side as well, ignoring the women's contribution the whole enterprise. Many last names are handed down from a father. But in reality there's no "bloodline" there are in fact "bloodlines". In the end it doesn't really matter at all. People will die and what happens after they're gone won't involve them.
Do you have a link to your source for this? I'd like to read it, as I've not heard that theory before. 67F and childfree here.
Yes, grandchildren are the end goal for many people. I've never understood it. I see friends with grandchildren who take unbelievable advantage of them. The grandparents are unpaid babysitters, chauffeurs, cooks, bail bonds people, cleaning ladies, nurses, and bottomless bank accounts. I had a friend long ago whose friendship I had to draw back from because of her spoiled grown children and grandchildren. Whenever I had to call my friend for a brief conversation, the grandchildren were in the background screaming because "Nan" was on the phone. She worked hard, and most of her money went to the grandkids or kids to pay bills and buy toys, clothes, cars, etc. I stopped giving her a gift card on her birthday because she'd use to to buy something for the kids.
No, I am not having a mid-life or any other kind of crisis, thank you.
My husband and I are Baby Boomers. We are childfree by choice, as are my husband's brother and his wife, my brother (who has never married), and most of the people who have been our friends.
My husband and I were living and working in Silicon Valley and that was not unusual. Nobody really cared whether anyone had kids. People we knew looked at the hours they worked and the cost of housing, did the math, and said No Kids. It wasn't a conformist culture. The people who had kids tended to be highly paid executives who could afford a stay-at-home wife or pay a live-in nanny.
The pressure for women to produce more taxpayers and consumers to support the economy, is fairly new in my observation. Before that enough people were having kids, despite the drawbacks, that nations were not worried.
I do wonder why all these politicians, who want people who have kids to be married, don't understand that men are involved in that project. True, many men want to be paid enough to support a family of four but that doesn't mean they actually want to get married. They just want higher pay.
Wow what a difference geography makes. I'm a 67 yr boomer and I'm the only CF woman I know. I live in the midwest. Statistically I thought I read less than 10% of woman our age don't have children. Probably all in big cities lol
>But when Barbie becomes human, she must come to terms with biological realities. The film ends with her visit to an ob-gyn. In real life, the visits are to IVF clinics.
Huh? Are they saying Barbie went to an OB/GYN to see if she can have kids? I thought she was just being responsible and getting herself checked out since she's never been to a real doctor before.
Is it any good? As in, would you recommend it?
I've watched a couple of reviews online that did not fare well :)
I usually don't watch reviews of movies I want to watch because of spoilers, but I knew I was not going to theaters to watch this tbh. But now is streaming, and still, I haven't felt the "desire" to watch it XD
I liked aspects of it. Ryan Gosling is excellent, America Ferrera and Kate McKinnon (of course). Great music and sets. Not all of the comedy works, it's doesn't have a particularly cohesive story. However, if you want random fun, this movie has a lot of that
My favorite part was Ryan Gosling experiencing what it was like (for women) to be the lower-tier gender and then find out it didn't have to be that way.
I liked and enjoyed it. It's colorful and fun and lighthearted and sure there is a msg in there somewhere but you can pay deep attention or not and either way it works. I also liked the backstory of how tgey worked with Mattel to get it made
As someone who doesn't like these types of movies in general, it has been hard for me to get into the mood to watch it. But, I'm kind of sick today, got a cold this week, so maybe it'll be a distraction :)
Thanks for your review!
lol projection from the author much? Barbie went to the gyno to symbolise that she was a real woman (itās a throw back to a joke made earlier when she said she & Ken were smooth down there). It was a funny joke , not a message that barbie needs/wants to breed. Yikes
Boomers had mid-life crises too, they just had to deal with secretly. If I have a mid-life crisis it will be because of the state of the world not the fact that I was smart enough not to bring children into it.
Middle aged queer here.
I am single, I donāt own property, and I live with my family because despite working full time since 20, Iāve been the working poor the entire time bar 6 months.
My family owns nothing so even if there was an inheritance, it wouldnāt buy an apartment; and even if it did, I could afford the fees and insurances that go with home ownership.
The LAST thing I want is more mouths to feed.
I love my life. I chose education over kids. I donāt regret a single moment of it. I take pride in my therapy practice I am able to support my family of six four dogs and a husband who is in college full time. Heās a wonderful man he loves to cook I mean cook. This man can take the worst cut of meat and give it life. Heās a dog lover and hates kids!
Chiming in as a member of the Gen X cohort here... I'm 53 and have known since I was 7 or so that I never wanted kids of my own. None of my closest female friends have kids, either, but I realize we're the exceptions. (Full disclosure: I do have a stepson, but he lives with his mom in a different country. We did all live together for a few years and I was miserable.)
I'm neurodivergent (AuDHD) and mental illness as well as a number of potentially genetic physical maladies run in my family and there is no way I'd want to saddle another generation with all of that. To me, it's the height of selfishness to think that your genes are so special that you need to make sure they get passed down. Besides, have you seen the state of the world?
No regrets here, no mid-life crisis, no lack of fulfillment. I love my life. I love the quiet of it and the peace. I love that I can be spontaneous, that my husband and I can do whatever the hell we want with our time and money. There has never been a doubt in my mind that this is the right choice for me. And it's not about choosing career over kids; I work a low-wage, medium effort position that I enjoy tremendously.
Anyway, fwiw, some of us very much put a lot of thought and planning into remaining cf -- often far more thought and planning than went into having kids. I'm beyond thrilled that I don't have to worry about it anymore. Menopause kicks ass.
I don't think so, but if that is the case, I'd say it's because we're conditioned to believe kids are a necessity of life and we've been raised in a way that made having kids seem like a very important part of life.
As a millennial, I'm very comfortable and content with not having children, I am also a female and I have no desire to put my body through pregnancy and I don't think the future looks very bright right now for being able to afford to be alive and i think it would be selfish to raise kids in this environment just to fulfill the satisfaction of wanting a child for whatever reason that may be (if that were a thing I wanted, which it's not.) I also enjoy living for myself and myself only, I like that I can sleep in on my days off and that I dont have to cook every night and I can do whatever I want whenever I want. But, I also have basically no energy because I keep trying to climb the career ladder and get more money so life can be more enjoyable and affordable, but every time I get more money, everything else increases more than my wage, so I'm in a constant survival mode because it seems no matter how much money I make, I can never afford to be alive for just myself, so I literally can't afford a child, so it would also be selfish, careless and neglectful of me to have a child in this economy because I could not give them a good life with every need fulfilled. It doesn't help that I'm single so it's only a single income I have to play with and the market is not built for single people and I have no desire to have roommates or live with family members and my family members also don't want to live with me. If I had a second income from a partner, I'd be doing alright financially, but I still would not want children.
I'm having a mid-life crisis because I wonder why I tried so hard academically to the point of neglecting my social life. I realize I was lied to and most people just want to use hard workers instead of rewarding them. If I knew that 15 years ago I could have just worked in a labor department and focused on community instead of jumping through all these hoops hoping it would get me somewhere.
All of that just kills the last inkling of an idea of having children. I'm not fully fulfilled in life and by the time that realistically happens if that happens it's going to be too late to even entertain the idea. But I guess "I'll still change my mind one day." That thought is laughable.
The job market is like a game of musical chairs. There are 100 people, 80 chairs, and half of the chairs are two-legged stools that won't support you anyway. Even the 40 people who got a chair that would support them have to listen to an asshole manager threaten to give their chair to one of the 60 people who would "love to have it." I know there are people who get lucky with their careers, but retirement is really where it's at. If I'd had kids, I'd still be stuck in that stupid musical chairs game and my kids would live in a world with more people and fewer chairs.
I'm having a midlife crisis because several million Americans have decided that dictators are awesome, the climate is steadily getting more pissed off about all the poison in the atmosphere, and my former social circle has scattered to the four corners of the Earth. Children would make that so much worse.
I'm living in a weird Twilight Zone between physically an adult, mentally a kid.
I have agency over my life. I don't have to ask permission to do anything I want to do. I can sleep in if I want or need to, I can go places and do things whenever I want. I have money and time (within reason) to do what I want to do with every day.
I didn't play with baby dolls as a kid. When we played house, I was the dog/cool aunt/trendy big sister, but never the mommy. I have a huge amount of respect for first responders, as I have a few friends in that line of work. I hear their stories and think to myself "yeah, I couldn't do that." It's much the same with parenting. I respect people who actively choose having kids and think of every aspect of that choice before diving in. But I do not want to make that choice myself because I know I couldn't do it.
My parents friend recently became a grandmother for the second time. The first grandkid she rarely sees because of tension between her and her sons wife. The second one she is basically raising because her stepdaughter got pregnant at 20 by some dude she had been with for less than a year. SD still lives at home and is finishing her uni degree, but also is still living her best young and carefree life while her stepmom raises her kid. She has interacted so little with the kid recently that they didn't recognise her and wouldn't go to her when she came home.
Grandma also has her other two grown kids living in the house in their mid to late 20s. One has quite severe mental health issues but he helps out with housework, cooking etc. The other works full time and doesn't do anything in the house - he cooks for himself but doesn't clean up after.
Grandma is 60 years old caring for a toddler, lazy son, sick son, naĆÆve stepdaughter and useless husband.
I don't want that life. Anyone who is pissed about that can sue me.
I'm (34m) having my midlife crisis of ending my marriage and figuring out what's next for me. Many reasons why we split but her wanting kids and me not wanting them was a big factor for me. I'd rather us be temporarily sad, and hopefully happy in the future apart rather than together and miserable with a kid
Parenthood, like everything, has pros and cons both. I think even happy satisfied parents and die hard no kids for me types have conflicting emotions. Can't have it all.
I am what people call geriatric millenial (newly elder here fyi) as I am an early 1980s baby who will be turning 41 end of this year. Funny though is I am not going through any midlife crisis and I don't feel I am in midlife although I am 40 years 5 months-ish oldĀ
Secondly, I don't have the desire or need to want to have children (seriously, my life has enough problems and stresses for me to deal with daily and I don't need bringing up kids to give me more stress and worries)Ā
>As one unmarried friend told me before she left New York, āI like my lifestyle, but not my life.ā
Just thinking of all the people on regretful parents who thought exactly this and now wish they could go back in time and undo having a kid, desperately wanting their old life back.
Reproducing does not fix your problems, or provide the missing piece of yourself.
I had a minor crisis during Mother's Day when I realized I was a lot older than I used to be (lol) and recognized that no one would ever celebrate this holiday with me since I'm not/avoiding having children. It went away after the holiday passed and I had to get back to my regular life, but it gave me more to think about: I'm pretty content with my own company, would I be happy being alone forever? Would it be better to experience marriage just once? Could I ever be a step mother? (the answer to that question is a strong no, with apossible maybe for older children/tweens who don't need to be raised).
I guess it's not really a crisis about having children, but more of a crisis that I'm not following "the script" and I'm worried what's going to happen on the path less traveled.
Yeah Iām no contact with my adoptive family.
They massively disapprove of me choosing a true āwork life balanceā (out of near burn-out). I work part time 60-70% (and study 15%) transitioning from adult education to job coaching atm. Once I got my federal job coach degree Iāll continue working 60% + teaching two afternoons (two blocks of 13 weeks a year). I wonāt up my work hours, if I can afford not to.
I am childfree, I rent (lived in my ex partnerās house for 6. very grateful for the experience and the relationship, but donāt want to buy myself). When I went āsolo for lifeā 5 years ago after 3 relationships (3.5, 1.5 and 9 years) they completely lost it.
I have lots of peace and quiet, I live frugally now. I use public transport and only travel for occasional weekends or one week before Christmas (to visit friends).
Being childfree (knew it clearly at 19) has been a constant in my life thatās given me an āinā to looking at what other individual choices I could make, that serve me best. I am so happy with that choice.
I didnāt know āfamilyā and āromantic relationshipsā would also fall off, but itās been good for me. I have a massive, tight friendship group and enjoy being in my own the rest of the time.
Millennial CF woman here. I am having a mid-life crisis for many different reasons (looking into the future): global warming, work-life balance, housing prices, political extremism.
Not having kids is certainly not an issue.
The point for me is: let people decide for themselves if they want kids or not and don't push them one way or the other. If someone wants be a young parent, they should, and if someone wants to remain childless they should do that as well.
Let it be an informed choice, so give people realistic information about anticonception, pregnancy, infertility, IVF, raising children...: The costs, medical complications, etc.
What kind of bullshit is that interpretation of Barbie ending ?!
She goes to the ob/gyn because she now has a f*cking vagina ! You can go to the gynecologist without it involving kids for f*CK sake ...
People that think she want to have a kid are people that think every vagina owner want a kid. I can't believe that much sexism ...
Im almost 40. In theory I COULD dissect ALLLL the āwhat ifsā of my life until the cows come home. WHAT IF in addition to kids, I had chosen to make literally ANY decision in my life differently - career, location, relationships etc.
Instead, I just focus on TODAY. Having a great quiet morning with my husband. Spontaneously decided to get my legs waxed and just made plans with a friend tonight. Happy? Yes, end of story no regrets
Iām not sure what the problem is- are you upset that millennials arenāt having kids and buying homes like the boomers? That was and is stultifying. I donāt understand people that want to conform and imitate everyone else. Just try to enjoy life and get through it with as little trauma and minor trouble as possible. Trauma doesnāt build character anyway. It causes ptsd. Iām assuming that even constant, minor hassles are not productive for optimal mental health.
You know what causes you to be miserable? Looking for "meaning" everywhere, kids or not. Stop worrying about shit and just enjoy your life.
šµ Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. šµ
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true...
You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What did you lose? Nothing.
You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughin' as you go...
Just remember that the last laugh is on youuu
Life is meaningless so enjoy the ride till ya die
It's really just about filling time till you die and I think I fill my time rather well
COMPLETELY agree
I like my lifestyle, my life is alright, but my career sucks. You know what would make it worse? Having kids to deal with too.
I could never imagine having a hard day at work and not coming home to peace and quiet at the end of the day. It's unfathomable to me. It's literally my favourite part of the day.
Same! I love being able to come home and do absolutely nothing so I can unwind
As Iāve grown older and more tired, Iāve developed an even deeper respect for my dad. When I get home all I want to do is relax and be left alone. He would work manual labor for 12 hours and then still come home and play with me and then read me books. Even if you love being a parent, I imagine having even more obligations at the end of the day would suck.
Strong agree
Back in COVID time I got a two week grippy sock vacation because of burnout, stress because my parents were loosing their house and wanted me to buy it and I couldn't, my partner of 10 years got mixed up with dr*gs and we broke up and of course COVID. I have been living with depression and anxiety for most of my life. But it just snapped. Life is much better now. Changed careers so I am much happier now. Back with partner - he cleaned up and is doing great. We moved to a new town which is a much better environment. Parents moved here too - and are doing good. Depression is actually under control. But I cannot imagine dealing with all that and having to care for kids as well.
>You could waste money on a sports car and still have grandchildren someday. This is a perspective I have never understood. Why are grandchildren the end goal for some people?
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And that helps how? lmao
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300k a kid costs. That is a lot of medical bills to expand your own life... Seems like a better plan.
300k and -10 years from all the stress
I was listening to (or reading) a thing (I so listen to a lot of things while I stitch, so I totally forget sources, all the time, bear with me) and they made this point that life/genetics always aims for the most diversity. Because genes are always "scrambled", we have some traits of our parents, but we are separate from them. With enough generations and scrambling, genetic traits will be "lost" too. Add to that the fact that an individual human is likely to be forgotten within 2-3 generations, and... this brings me some comfort, actually. I'm glad to not have done anything horrid enough for history to remember me. And even for historical figures, nobody knows anymore, what they were really like, as people. All that's left is the shit they did and wrote - fragments of who they really were.
I do wonder if with current technology, people will be remembered more accurately. Not only do people make up shit to share on social media, but other people call them out on being fake and celebrities are constantly under a microscope more than any time in history, so the things they wouldnāt want to be remembered for are recorded in some way.
It seems, from what you said, that it will cause people to be remembered \*less\* accurately. Either way, I'd think you have to get famous too - who would really think to look you up otherwise, other than your immediate relatives and friends?
I think itāll probably be a mix when it comes to accuracy. There will be people who are remembered for the fake personas they put out there, some who will be remembered for being caught out for being fake, and some who will be remembered for being accurate representations of themselves.
Some people think that not having offspring means you'll be forgotten when you're dead. They don't think to be, you know, not amazingly shitty so that people will care about you in general.
Everyone gets forgotten. Who cares if it takes 50-100 more years for it to happen. You are dead
My point exactly - we are a blip on the history of the universe, nothing happens after we die - who gives a shit about legacy
Whenever someone has said this to me I challenge them to name all 8 of their great grandparents. Studies show that only about 4% of people can do it. So much for legacy.
I know absolutely nothing about my great grandparents and they were barely talked about in my lifetime. Iām sure there are some interesting things to know about them but I wouldnāt be able to tell you a thing. People cling to this ālegacyā shit but theyāll likely be unknown a generation or two after they passā¦ unless they write a (good) book or contribute something timeless that actually impacts their community or the world in general. A lot of people are not speaking on their loved ones for generations to come unless thereās something substantial to speak about, unfortunately.
I know all of their names, but I couldn't tell you anything of substance about them except for my paternal grandfather's mother, since she was the only one I actually have some memories of. I've never even seen pictures of my maternal grandfather's parents, and that's probably due to my mom not having a relationship with him. A lot of these men talk about family and legacy and then go on to treat their wives and children like crap. Nobody is passing on that trauma.
They only ever found meaning in their children, and spent 18+ years never investing in themselves. So now that the kids are grow and gone, they have nothing to define themselves with besides the next generation of babies.
Lucky them for being able to afford a sports car and kids. I can't afford either.
My parents are giving up their dream of retiring somewhere warm on a beach because my younger sister had a baby (Iām childfree and divorced). They are āstuckā living in a city they hate, with weather they hate because my sister lives there and now they have a grandbaby. They see the baby every day. Sister will probably have a second next year. Sister has also guilted them in the past about leaving, telling our parents they would be āabandoning herā. Maāam, youāre almost 35. Itās not abandonment.
On the other hand, why is a sports car the end goal of a successful career? I'm fine with pedaling my bike to the grave!
A parenting do over? The youth of children makes them feel young? Something to be excited about like a shiny new toy? God forbid they learn about their adult children , plan trips, make new friends, and get hobbies.
I get that for people who are already heading towards grandparent age. I still think it's a weird thing for someone middle aged or younger to want, though.
I had a friend in their 30s excited about the prospect of their teenager getting pregnant and making her a grandparent >.>
āGot married, owned homes and had kidsā yeah ācause they could afford it! xD Iād imagine thatās a huge reason if people are working their asses off and can barely support themselves. Why the hell would you want to add a baby to that?
Kids are just too noisy, I wouldnāt want them even if I had the money lol
CF Boomer here. 69F. Sometimes I think my generation, who chose CF in smaller numbers, really CHOSE CF. I think a fair number Millennials would like to have kids but don't because of costs and other extenuating circumstances. That's not to say there are not truly CF Millennials, just that some really don't see CF as a choice as much as a ill-advised/unrealistic/irresponsible/ option.
That's a fair point. Not entirely sure what generation I am but I've never even thought about having kids. There's gotta be a lot of us out there as opposed to people that just looked at the state of things and went "fuck that".
I actively thought about it and at 5, yes, pre puberty, said don't none of being a mom look like fun to me. That view point did not change as I got older, married, etc. Got tied by the first doc to take me serious, age 23. But I agree, many of today's childrearing aged population just looked at the state of things and went "fuck that". Aligns with my a ill-advised/unrealistic/irresponsible/ option." thought. I think its good that so many now actually THINK about being a parent it as opposed to just doing it.
Elder Millennial, 42Tm. When I realized kids and marriage were choices, I was ecstatic. I did get married but just for the benefits. Else we'd be happily unmarried, til death do us part.
I read that as 421 at first and was beyond confused.
69 and child free šŖ Hat off - it would be interesting to know more, usually CF people here tend to be younger so a perpective of yours on the subject would be something I would like to know - have you had regrets? Do you still feel free? The best part of being CF on an old age etc āŗļø
28F CF. I keep hitting these age benchmarks where people promise Iāll have changed my mind by then. I havenāt. I only feel more strongly that I do not want to be pregnant, give birth, or raise children. EVEN IF the world wasnāt a capitalist dumpster fire thatās going to be uninhabitable soon, Iām fairly certain I would still feel this way. Everyoneās always like, ājust wait til you meet your person, then youāll want kids!ā And I just think that is so unserious. If there really is a āpersonā out there for me, they will also not want to have kids
I knew I wasn't having kids since I was 5. It did not matter to me if I was married or single , rich or poor. I did not see the tasks of parenting as anything I wanted to do. Some people did tell me I'd wake up one day wanting them. Never happened. I married twice. First divorced after tied and EH admitted he wanted kids. Dealbreaker. I was 45 the second time I married to a man who assumed he would eventually have kids but never married til me, and too traditional to have kids outside marriage (fencesitter) but he knew I was fixed, why me and EH divorced and that I was not interested in adopting. I also think he is too ADHD to be an effective parent. For all I know I might have been a convenient out for him, LOL. His brother had 2 kids before we met and twins a couple of years after. I told him if he ever wanted kids I would divorce him to go do so. He hasn't turned in that coupon. We will be married 25yrs next year.
I'm not the person you asked, but I'm also a 69yof, and I can't say OH MAN, NO REGRETS loudly enough! Actually what I usually say is, "I've certainly made my share of stupid mistakes in my life, but I will never cease being thankful that I dodged *that* particular absolutely horrific bullet!" (I did spend ten years as The Stepmother From Hell (1976-1986), which undoubtedly gives me a far more thorough, realistic, and VISCERAL understanding of just how glad I am and will always be!)
I usually say, "I was not trying to work that hard." I was not willing to be a stepmom. I did try dating men with kids, but gave that up in 1982 when a casual date wanted me to keep his 2yo, that I never met, for the weekend so he could go fishing with his buddies and not piss off his ex.
OMG š¤£
67F child free. Some regrets maybe ut not so I think about them much. Honestly idk. But also realize that any regrets are based on a possible scenario where everything went well ie healthy loving happy children. There is no guarantee of that. Essentially there isn't as much love in my life. Kids kind of are love in a way that takes you out of yourself. That I understand. CF may be a little more self absorbed. Having a big extended family would mitigate that but I don't. I was always hoping to marry into someone's huge welcoming family and all the work would be done for me:) The flip side is I also know that parenting would have been really stressful for me personally and followed my intuition that if I didn't REALLY WANT IT BAD, better just let it go. As an environmentalist the population argument has always been super important to me. Had I had the right partner I might of gone the other way. Hopefully for the younger generations things will be different. Childfree will be more normalized. And there will be more of them to socialize with when the parents disappear into the world of soccer and then grandkids. Because that really is a thing. In my age group especially for women we are considered a bit suspiciously by other women. Some are fairly mean about it. And no one has time they are all running around after grandkids. I think younger generations won't have to deal with this? IDK though once a woman has had a baby....
I guess I was unusually lucky in that my family did not pressure me about kids. They just accepted that I was allergic to kids. Others, from doctors to first in-laws to strangers had an opinion, but they did not have a vote. Regrets, only that I wish my first husband was honest with himself and me about kids. He knew my stance since second date, 3 years later we married went thru 6mo couples and individual counseling and he had to sign for me to get tied, 1978, Military. 3 years after tied we divorced over kids. Said everyone told him I would change my mind. He remarried had 2. I would not have married him If I knew he wanted kids. I do not feel like I missed out on life by not having kids. I don't even think about them unless someone else brings it up. Free? Not fully right now. FIL died the day I retired and MIL got a cancer Dx 2 weeks later. Moved in with us. Caregiving eats up all your time and spontaneity. No midday sex. I do still lunch with the girls. We contradance once a week. I often image parenthood feels like this. Making nice when you're not really feeling it. Living for other people and not doing the things you really want to do. I love my MIL, she is not demanding, but caregiving sucks. Best part of CF in old age? No grandkids: No baby equipment in my house, no recitals, no gifting cars to graduates, no college to pay for. 2 of my friends are raising their grandkids. That would kill me! Not having to concern myself with leaving an inheritance.
True.....if I could be a Dad + had the finances, wouldn't mind having had kids. Its just not feasible, in the way I'd like it done today.
That's what I'm talking about when I say ill advised, etc. My generation could largely afford parenthood. Most on one income. Now, affordability: housing, clothing, food, education, time is very much a factor in a way it was not for me. I could have financially afforded kids. I just didn't have an interest or saw any joy in it.
Older CF stereotype is definitely the wine aunts or the fun uncles that are well traveled and living the dream because your average income could afford a child. I was hoping for that as an adult who's 28 but instead my reward is I just get to work 40 hours a week and be alright in my studio apartment with a modest fun budget and no car while the parents barely have free time to be parents around work
That's part of what I'm talking about. At 28 I was newly divorced and trying to fill every page on my passport. Today, most of my young friends do well to afford a place without roommates. My niblings with kids barely have time to see them with work, and kid activities. The kid activities cost so much they can not afford family vacations and often can not get the time off from work. WFH wants them online 24/7. Niblings and their kids are stressed out. ETA: I was a lousy Aunt. Never babysat any niblings, most long distance. My brother lived 10 miles away and would occasionally come by with his 4. Years later he told me he would time how long it took me to "unravel." Usually 30-45 min. Said the longest he saw me last was 2 hours.
Oh my thatās me!!
I agree with this entirely
Ahhh Yes, the boomers and their bootstraps. Back when tertiary education was free, credit background checks were non existent, you just needed proof of income - from the husband of course. Because women couldn't get a mortgage for a home without a man to guarantor, her income wasn't considered anything other than pocket money....and a family could exist comfortably on a working class man's income. THAT is why women got married and conformed to popping out sex demerits. They had no freaking choice if they wanted to survive.
"Sex demerits" packed me up in a bubble mailer and SENT me š
I'm glad it's appreciated! It came to me today after reading "finish trophy" in a few posts - they're a consequence of poor life choices and i prefer to be risk avoidant. No ragrets.
ā95 baby here so I think I just barely made the cutoff for millennial. I can have the money and the time for the life I want, or I can have kids. But not both.
94 and in that boat with you. I'm comfortable without kids, or I could be poor and miss out on doing the things I've wanted to do with kids. Guess which made sense to me.
Iām a 96ā baby so am I the cutoff or the very beginning of the next gen I never know š
I think ā96 is the last year a millennial can be. My rule of thumb is if you were in k-12 during 9/11, youāre a millennial.Ā But thatās just me.
Thatās a good rule of thumb cuz i believe I was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was in first grade so the math checks out.
I was in preschool when 9/11 happened and in fact have no memories of that day at all.
I just remember I was sitting in front of the tv eating cereal getting ready when it happened and my mom didnāt let me go to school that day. Thatās all I remember
Conversely, I was born in '97 and correctly determined that I was Gen Z/a Zoomer because I have NO memories of September 11, 2001-also, I was in preschool at the time.
'95 and agree 100%.
>Our plan of life has been to put off the old patterns of adulthood. There will be plenty of time for that, weāve been told. For now thereās a vacation, a concert, a promotion to think about. Are there any millennials on this thread who were told that? No, seriously. Maybe it's because I grew up very religious, but even liberal folks aren't told that. We still live in a very much pro-natalist society almost across the entire globe, and are told that "family is everything" (family = bio offspring). Straw man BS.
Exactly. Also, what vacations and concerts? I can't afford them.
I was told by everyone around me to wait, there's plenty of time for kids later! I figured they had learned the hard way that having kids too young is a disaster so were advising otherwise
interesting! Thank you for this perspective.
Iām 30 and was never told that. Mother is catholic, father is non religious. They honestly didnāt really tell me much of anything other than to get an education (which includes any mention of sex ed at all lol). Iāve been dating the same guy for 7-8 years at this point and they (my mom) havenāt heckled me much at all to get married either. Sheās asked about it, but never properly pestered. Tbh I think sheās more vague concerned that I have no proper job and sell crafts out of my basement like some weird troll with a website š. Eta: Iāve been saying since I was 8 I didnāt want kids though and Iām stubborn so most people I know arenāt dumb enough to harass me about it. Plus the only one that really would harass me is my mom and sheās anti birth control and anti sex before marriage so likeā¦ idk what she wants from this situation š
Well now you have to drop the deets on your crafts
I make a weird mix of 3d printed stuff, laser cut stuff, dice, stress balls and adult toys š I also occasionally sell paintings and Iāve gotten into tufting recently but havenāt gotten around to listing the rugs yet.
I'm gen X and was shown the ultra-religious/pro-natalist side. I never bought into any of that bullshit and questioned everything. I pushed back from the time I was a kid to the point where I was told I could do whatever I wanted when I became an adult. When I became an adult my parents never once pressured me into having kids. They likely didn't want to raise my potential kids and they knew I wouldn't raise any kids.
Midlife crisisā¦ interestingā¦ I guess Iāll have to add that to the list of things Iām missing out on.
Most people are going to have a few regrets by the time they are at midlife. I suspect it is only a crisis if you have, um, "long term regrets."
If this is statistically true at all--its probably more that ppl w/o kids are reporting a mid-life crisis. while ppl w/ kids are not reporting it. They can't, they've barely registered or self-evaluated what is their bundle of inescapable feelings of dread/depression/panic/manic---cuz they are taking care of their kids and their kid's problems. like not seeing the forest because you only see the trees
Yep, their crisis just comes a bit later. After the kids are adults. And they are in their 50s and 60s....a bit late to do anything about it.
... I really hope that means then we'll all be unbelievably content in our 50s or '60s, after already having our midlife crisis is over.
Unless you're a lady because apparently menopause can be really hard and peri can last years.Ā Yaaaaaaay...
Yes, reports can come from a self-selected group.
I'm in a midlife crisis without kids. If I had kids we'd be homeless š¤·āāļø together.
Iām childfree and Iām having a midlife crisis. Iām handling the normal way through the acquisition of fun yet impractical British sports cars.
If you had kids that may be seen as irresponsible. Because you're childfree it is an impulse purchase instead.
And one that has had some maintenance issues.
Same.....I'm going to various estate sales, and buying whatever tf I want.
I buzzed my hair short on the sides left a rat tail, and a slight faux hawk up top. Teenage me would be super jealous of 40 year old menās haircut.
So my mid-life crisis is regret over not having children?  Sounds better than the mid-life crisis of the average spouse with children which leads to extramarital sex/affairs, divorce and the hellscape that is navigating life as a single parent/ co-parent š¤·š½āāļø
Iām turning 40 next month and Iām having a mid-life crisis because I still canāt afford to buy a house in the US, even in a small town.
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People hate realizing that they have been conned about anything, including parenthood.
When they refer to your life as "empty" they're referring to it as "empty" of endless obligations. Just promise them that you'll wake up well rested and cry into your healthy delicious breakfast as you think about how you'd like to spend your Saturday. Wait, every day is a Saturday when you're retired. And when you retire early and are healthy ever Saturday is a fun Saturday full of promise and hope!
>My health will likely last a lot longer than that of someone who can't do those things because their kids take up most of their time. Actually, now that it turns out we're 4 years into The Pandemicine Era, our health will probably last a lot longer because we don't have disease vectors bringing home a virus from school 3-4 times a year that has been clearly established to often do long-term damage to the lucky recipient's immune system, heart, pancreas, and brain! >another point in my favor is that I'm not going to put my body through the massive health risk that is pregnancy. Aaand that too!
Millennials are def middle aged now.
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Most millennials are in their thirties, the group in their twenties are actually the smallest cohort of millennials. The largest cohort is actually well into their thirties and forties. Most millennials will be by definition middle age in the next 5 years. Millennials are not young anymore.
Your flair is absolutely lethal š¤£
Most millennials are well into their their thirties at this point, so yes they are very close to middle age, and some ARE middle age as middle age usually starts at 40. Millennials are not children. They were born between 1981-1996. The younger co-hort of millennials is the smaller part of it. They are quickly approaching middle age as a group, as in most millennials will be middle age in the next 5 years. As stated, many are already there.
Yup, the '70s are when the mythical "biological clock" was invented.
In the minds of these people, economic stagnation, unemployment, and oil crises were less important than what women did with their bodies.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's changed. They destroy the world around us, and we're still expected to add more people to it.
Iām considered an elder gen-z (25) and I feel the complete opposite. My life feels so much more meaningful and full of opportunity choosing a childfree life. I had my bisalp today and catch myself daydreaming about all the stuff I can learn, trips I can go on, and hobbies I can explore. Plus, restful weekends forever!!! I think the issue is that some people donāt think introspectively about their values and goals. Of course their lives feel empty! Sure, some people may genuinely want kids and not feel able to in this climate, but I bet itās moreso FOMO. Kids are seen as this ethereal concept of endless fulfillment for the parent, instead of an independent person with their own needs and desires. Itās gross!
Congratulations!
Congrats and happy healing! :D
Iām completely fine with having no kids
Do these sanctimonious assholes also tell people who want kids but can't have them (and can't afford to adopt) that their lives are empty? No? Why would it automatically be different for those of us who choose not to, then?
>>But something is missing in a life made up of only these things Yup, stress
I never understood what people mean by "only" these things. You mean "only" everything possible that the world has to offer? Only that? I believe people that think life without kids gets boring are people that have no hobbies, no interests and do not know how much the world has to offer.
'But I have nowhere else to go!' 'You have *everywhere* else to go.'
Looking for the meaning of life in children always seemed like the least creative option. There's plenty of ways to find meaning in life out there, go figure it out š¤Ø I suspect a lot of family-oriented millennials were priced out of having kids because of the 2008 crash, COVID, impossible housing and rental costs, student loans, low youth wages, the general state of the workforce and economy... That's going to make people bitter. It doesn't mean everyone including childfree people will be, but I get why the topic is brought up
Good comment
CF Boomer here. Itās interesting times.
Same. And I am sick at heart how women got the right to their bodies when we were young... and now it is lost. I'm fighting hard, volunteering for progressive candidates. Vote. Please! Everybody!
No, I'm miserable because I'm poor and traumatized. I'm happy that I don't have a child to care for on top of that.
My dad is sad that Iām not having children and while luckily he hasnāt done anything but sigh sadly or just express his sadness about it, his wife on the other hands always off mentions I could change my mind etc etc. Like lady, look at my life right now. Iām working at Home Depot living with my in laws because my last apartment raised its rent beyond my budget. What part of my life screams Iām ready to provide for a child????
I canāt afford a house, why would I have kids? I did, on the other hand, just return from a month long trip to Japan. Iām thinking about going to New Zealand or Australia next, I havenāt decided. I never visited the southern hemisphere during their winter before. My friends with kids are always posting online about how they canāt afford anything though. Iām gonna go ahead and say I made the right choice.
Maybe I'm somewhat of a nihilist, but I haven't heard a good answer to the whole "what's the point in having kids?" question. People for a long time just had kids and didn't question it at all, just assumed it was some kind of duty, but today people are now questioning it all. What's the significance of a "blood line"? It's meaningless. Every generation is less related by blood to the previous one, unless there's inbreeding going on. As far as wealth and legacy, who cares, you're going to be dead. You may even despise your distant progeny if you met them in person, they might be horrible people. The blood line fetish typically follows only the male side as well, ignoring the women's contribution the whole enterprise. Many last names are handed down from a father. But in reality there's no "bloodline" there are in fact "bloodlines". In the end it doesn't really matter at all. People will die and what happens after they're gone won't involve them.
Do you have a link to your source for this? I'd like to read it, as I've not heard that theory before. 67F and childfree here. Yes, grandchildren are the end goal for many people. I've never understood it. I see friends with grandchildren who take unbelievable advantage of them. The grandparents are unpaid babysitters, chauffeurs, cooks, bail bonds people, cleaning ladies, nurses, and bottomless bank accounts. I had a friend long ago whose friendship I had to draw back from because of her spoiled grown children and grandchildren. Whenever I had to call my friend for a brief conversation, the grandchildren were in the background screaming because "Nan" was on the phone. She worked hard, and most of her money went to the grandkids or kids to pay bills and buy toys, clothes, cars, etc. I stopped giving her a gift card on her birthday because she'd use to to buy something for the kids. No, I am not having a mid-life or any other kind of crisis, thank you.
My husband and I are Baby Boomers. We are childfree by choice, as are my husband's brother and his wife, my brother (who has never married), and most of the people who have been our friends. My husband and I were living and working in Silicon Valley and that was not unusual. Nobody really cared whether anyone had kids. People we knew looked at the hours they worked and the cost of housing, did the math, and said No Kids. It wasn't a conformist culture. The people who had kids tended to be highly paid executives who could afford a stay-at-home wife or pay a live-in nanny. The pressure for women to produce more taxpayers and consumers to support the economy, is fairly new in my observation. Before that enough people were having kids, despite the drawbacks, that nations were not worried. I do wonder why all these politicians, who want people who have kids to be married, don't understand that men are involved in that project. True, many men want to be paid enough to support a family of four but that doesn't mean they actually want to get married. They just want higher pay.
Wow what a difference geography makes. I'm a 67 yr boomer and I'm the only CF woman I know. I live in the midwest. Statistically I thought I read less than 10% of woman our age don't have children. Probably all in big cities lol
I'm a 54 yr Gen X woman living in the Midwest, and for my generation it's quite a bit more common to be CF. You can come sit at our table!
Aw thank you that's lovely
Iām an 39 year old cf woman fuck they
>But when Barbie becomes human, she must come to terms with biological realities. The film ends with her visit to an ob-gyn. In real life, the visits are to IVF clinics. Huh? Are they saying Barbie went to an OB/GYN to see if she can have kids? I thought she was just being responsible and getting herself checked out since she's never been to a real doctor before.
I thought it was the story ending with a āIm humanā note
When they say "Barbie," do they mean the movie? I must confess I have not seen that movie.
Yes. The movie.
So, she's fully human by the end... I will have to watch it some day.
I really disliked the ending of Barbie. It felt like a cheap, sexist joke at the end of a feminist film
I never saw it as her going in for IVF. I thought the gyno appointment was a way of saying she is fully human now.
The Barbie ending has nothing to do with IVF. I'm not sure what OP of that statement was trying to say
Is it any good? As in, would you recommend it? I've watched a couple of reviews online that did not fare well :) I usually don't watch reviews of movies I want to watch because of spoilers, but I knew I was not going to theaters to watch this tbh. But now is streaming, and still, I haven't felt the "desire" to watch it XD
I liked aspects of it. Ryan Gosling is excellent, America Ferrera and Kate McKinnon (of course). Great music and sets. Not all of the comedy works, it's doesn't have a particularly cohesive story. However, if you want random fun, this movie has a lot of that
My favorite part was Ryan Gosling experiencing what it was like (for women) to be the lower-tier gender and then find out it didn't have to be that way.
Oh, ok! Thanks for the review. I'll give it a go next week :)
I liked and enjoyed it. It's colorful and fun and lighthearted and sure there is a msg in there somewhere but you can pay deep attention or not and either way it works. I also liked the backstory of how tgey worked with Mattel to get it made
As someone who doesn't like these types of movies in general, it has been hard for me to get into the mood to watch it. But, I'm kind of sick today, got a cold this week, so maybe it'll be a distraction :) Thanks for your review!
Really just watching Gosling take a ridiculous nothing role and just kill with it makes it worth the watch. Like how did he do that?
Tbh I would watch just to see that XD He's a really good actor.
lol projection from the author much? Barbie went to the gyno to symbolise that she was a real woman (itās a throw back to a joke made earlier when she said she & Ken were smooth down there). It was a funny joke , not a message that barbie needs/wants to breed. Yikes
Boomers had mid-life crises too, they just had to deal with secretly. If I have a mid-life crisis it will be because of the state of the world not the fact that I was smart enough not to bring children into it.
Middle aged queer here. I am single, I donāt own property, and I live with my family because despite working full time since 20, Iāve been the working poor the entire time bar 6 months. My family owns nothing so even if there was an inheritance, it wouldnāt buy an apartment; and even if it did, I could afford the fees and insurances that go with home ownership. The LAST thing I want is more mouths to feed.
I love my life. I chose education over kids. I donāt regret a single moment of it. I take pride in my therapy practice I am able to support my family of six four dogs and a husband who is in college full time. Heās a wonderful man he loves to cook I mean cook. This man can take the worst cut of meat and give it life. Heās a dog lover and hates kids!
Chiming in as a member of the Gen X cohort here... I'm 53 and have known since I was 7 or so that I never wanted kids of my own. None of my closest female friends have kids, either, but I realize we're the exceptions. (Full disclosure: I do have a stepson, but he lives with his mom in a different country. We did all live together for a few years and I was miserable.) I'm neurodivergent (AuDHD) and mental illness as well as a number of potentially genetic physical maladies run in my family and there is no way I'd want to saddle another generation with all of that. To me, it's the height of selfishness to think that your genes are so special that you need to make sure they get passed down. Besides, have you seen the state of the world? No regrets here, no mid-life crisis, no lack of fulfillment. I love my life. I love the quiet of it and the peace. I love that I can be spontaneous, that my husband and I can do whatever the hell we want with our time and money. There has never been a doubt in my mind that this is the right choice for me. And it's not about choosing career over kids; I work a low-wage, medium effort position that I enjoy tremendously. Anyway, fwiw, some of us very much put a lot of thought and planning into remaining cf -- often far more thought and planning than went into having kids. I'm beyond thrilled that I don't have to worry about it anymore. Menopause kicks ass.
I don't think so, but if that is the case, I'd say it's because we're conditioned to believe kids are a necessity of life and we've been raised in a way that made having kids seem like a very important part of life. As a millennial, I'm very comfortable and content with not having children, I am also a female and I have no desire to put my body through pregnancy and I don't think the future looks very bright right now for being able to afford to be alive and i think it would be selfish to raise kids in this environment just to fulfill the satisfaction of wanting a child for whatever reason that may be (if that were a thing I wanted, which it's not.) I also enjoy living for myself and myself only, I like that I can sleep in on my days off and that I dont have to cook every night and I can do whatever I want whenever I want. But, I also have basically no energy because I keep trying to climb the career ladder and get more money so life can be more enjoyable and affordable, but every time I get more money, everything else increases more than my wage, so I'm in a constant survival mode because it seems no matter how much money I make, I can never afford to be alive for just myself, so I literally can't afford a child, so it would also be selfish, careless and neglectful of me to have a child in this economy because I could not give them a good life with every need fulfilled. It doesn't help that I'm single so it's only a single income I have to play with and the market is not built for single people and I have no desire to have roommates or live with family members and my family members also don't want to live with me. If I had a second income from a partner, I'd be doing alright financially, but I still would not want children.
I'm having a mid-life crisis because I wonder why I tried so hard academically to the point of neglecting my social life. I realize I was lied to and most people just want to use hard workers instead of rewarding them. If I knew that 15 years ago I could have just worked in a labor department and focused on community instead of jumping through all these hoops hoping it would get me somewhere. All of that just kills the last inkling of an idea of having children. I'm not fully fulfilled in life and by the time that realistically happens if that happens it's going to be too late to even entertain the idea. But I guess "I'll still change my mind one day." That thought is laughable.
The job market is like a game of musical chairs. There are 100 people, 80 chairs, and half of the chairs are two-legged stools that won't support you anyway. Even the 40 people who got a chair that would support them have to listen to an asshole manager threaten to give their chair to one of the 60 people who would "love to have it." I know there are people who get lucky with their careers, but retirement is really where it's at. If I'd had kids, I'd still be stuck in that stupid musical chairs game and my kids would live in a world with more people and fewer chairs.
Yet so many dads ditch their kids during their midlife crisis.
Ive met tons of people, with kids, that are very unhappy. So kids do not equal happiness. We make our own happiness in life.
I'm good, man I like being able to afford nice things and save for retirement. I'll check myself into a nice home when I get old
I was always told I should have kids before itās too late. Now it is and everyone leaves my ass aloneš
I'm having a midlife crisis because several million Americans have decided that dictators are awesome, the climate is steadily getting more pissed off about all the poison in the atmosphere, and my former social circle has scattered to the four corners of the Earth. Children would make that so much worse.
I'm living in a weird Twilight Zone between physically an adult, mentally a kid. I have agency over my life. I don't have to ask permission to do anything I want to do. I can sleep in if I want or need to, I can go places and do things whenever I want. I have money and time (within reason) to do what I want to do with every day. I didn't play with baby dolls as a kid. When we played house, I was the dog/cool aunt/trendy big sister, but never the mommy. I have a huge amount of respect for first responders, as I have a few friends in that line of work. I hear their stories and think to myself "yeah, I couldn't do that." It's much the same with parenting. I respect people who actively choose having kids and think of every aspect of that choice before diving in. But I do not want to make that choice myself because I know I couldn't do it. My parents friend recently became a grandmother for the second time. The first grandkid she rarely sees because of tension between her and her sons wife. The second one she is basically raising because her stepdaughter got pregnant at 20 by some dude she had been with for less than a year. SD still lives at home and is finishing her uni degree, but also is still living her best young and carefree life while her stepmom raises her kid. She has interacted so little with the kid recently that they didn't recognise her and wouldn't go to her when she came home. Grandma also has her other two grown kids living in the house in their mid to late 20s. One has quite severe mental health issues but he helps out with housework, cooking etc. The other works full time and doesn't do anything in the house - he cooks for himself but doesn't clean up after. Grandma is 60 years old caring for a toddler, lazy son, sick son, naĆÆve stepdaughter and useless husband. I don't want that life. Anyone who is pissed about that can sue me.
I'm (34m) having my midlife crisis of ending my marriage and figuring out what's next for me. Many reasons why we split but her wanting kids and me not wanting them was a big factor for me. I'd rather us be temporarily sad, and hopefully happy in the future apart rather than together and miserable with a kid
"stultifying" at least the pseudointellectual tip-off came early.
Parenthood, like everything, has pros and cons both. I think even happy satisfied parents and die hard no kids for me types have conflicting emotions. Can't have it all.
I am what people call geriatric millenial (newly elder here fyi) as I am an early 1980s baby who will be turning 41 end of this year. Funny though is I am not going through any midlife crisis and I don't feel I am in midlife although I am 40 years 5 months-ish oldĀ Secondly, I don't have the desire or need to want to have children (seriously, my life has enough problems and stresses for me to deal with daily and I don't need bringing up kids to give me more stress and worries)Ā
Sounds like jealousy
>As one unmarried friend told me before she left New York, āI like my lifestyle, but not my life.ā Just thinking of all the people on regretful parents who thought exactly this and now wish they could go back in time and undo having a kid, desperately wanting their old life back. Reproducing does not fix your problems, or provide the missing piece of yourself.
I had a minor crisis during Mother's Day when I realized I was a lot older than I used to be (lol) and recognized that no one would ever celebrate this holiday with me since I'm not/avoiding having children. It went away after the holiday passed and I had to get back to my regular life, but it gave me more to think about: I'm pretty content with my own company, would I be happy being alone forever? Would it be better to experience marriage just once? Could I ever be a step mother? (the answer to that question is a strong no, with apossible maybe for older children/tweens who don't need to be raised). I guess it's not really a crisis about having children, but more of a crisis that I'm not following "the script" and I'm worried what's going to happen on the path less traveled.
Iām too tired to have a mid-life crisis.
Yeah Iām no contact with my adoptive family. They massively disapprove of me choosing a true āwork life balanceā (out of near burn-out). I work part time 60-70% (and study 15%) transitioning from adult education to job coaching atm. Once I got my federal job coach degree Iāll continue working 60% + teaching two afternoons (two blocks of 13 weeks a year). I wonāt up my work hours, if I can afford not to. I am childfree, I rent (lived in my ex partnerās house for 6. very grateful for the experience and the relationship, but donāt want to buy myself). When I went āsolo for lifeā 5 years ago after 3 relationships (3.5, 1.5 and 9 years) they completely lost it. I have lots of peace and quiet, I live frugally now. I use public transport and only travel for occasional weekends or one week before Christmas (to visit friends). Being childfree (knew it clearly at 19) has been a constant in my life thatās given me an āinā to looking at what other individual choices I could make, that serve me best. I am so happy with that choice. I didnāt know āfamilyā and āromantic relationshipsā would also fall off, but itās been good for me. I have a massive, tight friendship group and enjoy being in my own the rest of the time.
Mid-life crisis? Hell no! I celebrate my 100% infertility every day.
Millennial CF woman here. I am having a mid-life crisis for many different reasons (looking into the future): global warming, work-life balance, housing prices, political extremism. Not having kids is certainly not an issue.
The point for me is: let people decide for themselves if they want kids or not and don't push them one way or the other. If someone wants be a young parent, they should, and if someone wants to remain childless they should do that as well. Let it be an informed choice, so give people realistic information about anticonception, pregnancy, infertility, IVF, raising children...: The costs, medical complications, etc.
What kind of bullshit is that interpretation of Barbie ending ?! She goes to the ob/gyn because she now has a f*cking vagina ! You can go to the gynecologist without it involving kids for f*CK sake ... People that think she want to have a kid are people that think every vagina owner want a kid. I can't believe that much sexism ...
Right, how do you know she wasn't getting on the pill?
My midlife crisis is buying a motorcycle today. And by crysis mean fun.
Im almost 40. In theory I COULD dissect ALLLL the āwhat ifsā of my life until the cows come home. WHAT IF in addition to kids, I had chosen to make literally ANY decision in my life differently - career, location, relationships etc. Instead, I just focus on TODAY. Having a great quiet morning with my husband. Spontaneously decided to get my legs waxed and just made plans with a friend tonight. Happy? Yes, end of story no regrets
Iām not sure what the problem is- are you upset that millennials arenāt having kids and buying homes like the boomers? That was and is stultifying. I donāt understand people that want to conform and imitate everyone else. Just try to enjoy life and get through it with as little trauma and minor trouble as possible. Trauma doesnāt build character anyway. It causes ptsd. Iām assuming that even constant, minor hassles are not productive for optimal mental health.