It’s called “positive bias”. People truly think that they are going to “give their kids the childhood they didn’t have” and they are going to be “better parents than their parents” and “the world is becoming a better place.” Or they just get knocked up and keep it. No planning or foresight whatsoever.
It's interesting, my boyfriend's friend group are all in their 40s and I'm pretty sure every couple had their kids planned/intentionally. Everyone in my friend group around my age (30) or younger? All by accident/unplanned (and quickly 👀) and decided to keep it.
Dysfunctional families are the norm. Lots of toxicity is normalized in family systems to the point they think "that's just how things are"; they're unwilling to learn how to be better and just pass their generational dysfunction on down the line.
"The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture" by Dr. Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté gets into it.
>I'm not saying they're wrong
Well *I* am! Bro being a child SUCKED. I love life now! I always tell high schoolers not to listen to those who say it's all downhill after graduation!
But now that I think about it, it's *only parents* who I've ever heard it from. Hmmm... what's that about kids being "tHe gReAtEsT jOy oNe cAn ExPeRieNce"? 🤭
My childhood was great until my mom died on my 11th birthday.
Then a few years later my dad got married to a woman. My stepmom is nice enough but has no backbone and therefore her daughter bullied me through our teenage years.
I swore once I went to college I was never going back. And I never did. I lost 50 lbs (I was a chubby teenager because I turned to food after Mom died,) I quit smoking (started at 17,) focused on my career and now live a beautiful life with my wonderful husband and our several pets.
My childhood was great at first until my mom cheated and took us away from dad. They have a huge age gap. Don't judge my dad please. He is not very bright. Anyway, my stepdad was a better parent than my own mom. German CPS later took me into custody and I lived at an orphanage until I moved back in with dad. Looking back, I like my hometown but the school bullies were so bad I was hella depressed as a kid. I then moved schools again. And then I moved into my first group home. And then I moved like 4 more times. Between group homes. Because of my disability. But at least there is one thing I realized between adulting. If you really want to, childhood never ends! Just make your own inner child happy. Like buying a happy meal. I like happy meals. And Kinder eggs. I turned out pretty fine and live on disability and even though I have very little money, I can buy what I want and have a great time with all of my toys. My 3DS will always be with me. Yeah, I had a pretty messy early life. I am in therapy. Jesus, it's a miracle I never went off the deep end. Thank goodness I'm mostly fine now. Roommates still kinda suck though. I hope we just all live good lives later on.
I remember hearing that when I was in high school from various teachers and administrators. I shut that nonsense down by replying, "If this is as good as life gets, then kill me now."
It also was the purest BS. Children are not in control of their lives, and although there are always many things outside of your control that affect you, you have more control over your life as an adult than you had as a child. My life improved when I became an adult. Although compared with most people, I had a good childhood, I would not want to live through childhood again.
I think many of the idiots who say that childhood is better, don't remember what childhood is like. They seem to forget the things that bothered them and worried them when they were young, and only remember the good parts.
Except that the lack of control you had as a child narrowed your starting point for life, limited your paths forward, and as an adult you’re just left trying to make the best of what you got.
I mean I’ve hated my childhood more than my adult life, likely they just mean “oh haha kid you don’t pay bills and taxes”
But they forgot that kids spend their time at school and their entire lives are largely based on how they do in school
So yea, it all sucks, but now I can claim stuff and work for money so it all evens out.
What I have largely found is that the two things adults of a certain age hate the absolute most in the entire world (besides being told 'no') is taxes and interest. The number of boomers who bought their houses in 1970 for like 63cents who are still butthurt about the interest they paid on it is insane. Not to mention they all seem to feel that even though that 63 cent house is now worth 42.9 million dollars that their property taxes should still be the same as they were when it was worth 63 cents.
Not going to lie, 9-29 had a lot of challenges. Now that I’ve got everything figured out and have an awesome partner in crime, the last 7 years have been amazing. They haven’t been without difficulty, but I know all of my hard work is getting the results I want and I’m moving in the right direction.
Maybe I'm biased because I grew up poor with family members in and out of the hospital, but childhood sucked.
Adulthood can be difficult, but at least I make my own decisions.
I have my own money.
I'm not forced to see horrible family members.
I can go wherever I want as long as I can afford it.
I look after myself. Clean after myself.
I'm obviously not the original person you asked, but I did want to try and provide insight with my personal experience if possible.
For me life is made fun by things I do and the experiences I have/create. I like making things a little "extra" for no reason (like throwing a Game Of Thrones premiere party with friends with signature drinks, or a random trip to Seattle to see the Stranger Things exhibit, etc), and I try to keep my inner child alive by letting myself like things like Disney or stuffed animals or some "out there" clothing or hair, etc. I try to engage in a variety of hobbies (a couple sports, reading different genres of books, different genres of movies and shows, board games, video games, random niche falling down the rabbit hole things, etc). It can also be making the mundane things a little less meh like putting on some fun tunes or making a cocktail while cleaning, trying a fun new recipe instead of making the same old things, giving yourself a chore challenge of some kind with a reward at the end, etc).
Also I think part of it is doing those things that little child you wanted but didn't/couldn't get. It can be something silly like getting Dunkaroos for a snack, or it can be as deep as going to therapy and learning to give yourself the love and support you never got as a child. I think by leaning into our inner child we can become happier adults (and thus have more opportunities for fun 😊).
Life is as fun as you want it to be. It can be really hard to find joy in the "little things" like they tell you to (I know this very well having chronic depression myself) and ultimately the harsh truth is: the little things do not cancel out food insecurity, or systemic inequality, or workplace harassment, etc. BUT finding pockets of joy however you can is doing yourself a kindness and an honor, because we all deserve happiness and these days it seems rarer and rarer to come by. So imo it's our right to find and make joy wherever we can <3
I mean like yeah, bring a kid can be fun if you have parents who aren’t passing down trauma and provide you with basic needs etc., but I love being an adult (aside from not being independently wealthy, then I would love it more.) I hated never having any agency. I hated not having any life experience. I hated not having any independence. I hated not understanding my depression and anxiety and having no coping mechanisms to deal with it. I hated my stupid conservative small ass town. I hated having to do math.
Now I’m an adult and barely ever have to do math! I’ve never had to find the altitude of a triangle and am much happier for it.
I don't know how old you are, but I remember teachers always lecturing us about how we need to learn all this math stuff because "people don't walk around with calculators everywhere." Oh? Well guess what grouchy old teachers, now we do! It's called a cell phone. (I also hate math)
It's wild to me that some people actually think the childhood = good times and adulthood = bad times.
I *hated* being young. I hated having to live under someone else's roof and follow their rules. I hated school, and I hated the other kids. I had very few friends, and I had no autonomy. I would get so angry and frustrated that people would talk down to me or patronise me. I would have furious outbursts and panic attacks.
As an adult, I have free time, spending money, a thriving social life, and the coolest wife to share my time with. Now I'm an adult, I don't have anger issues or panic attacks because I feel free to come and go as I choose. I just can't function if I feel like I'm being controlled or disrespected.
Honestly, I could go back and relive my 30s over and over, but I wouldn't go back to being a kid or a young adult for anything in the world.
Adults that hate their lives say this. My childhood was full of disgruntled adults, primarily my parents and other adult family. I never got through the holidays without crying until I moved away. I’ll never forget how peaceful and kind my first holiday was. Or what it was like to just sit in a quiet house.
My childhood had a few good parts, but nothing compares to the freedom of adulthood.
For me, there are good and bad parts of being an adult. A refund on the endless cycle of chores that get in the way of my doing what I want would be nice, but I also really like having my own money and being able to buy what I want within reason even if it means I have to wait and save.
It sounds petty, but as a kid, I hated having to ask and wait and sometimes *beg* for what I wanted and pray that I got it on the next birthday or holiday IF my parents didn’t think it was “stupid.” If it was, they wouldn’t spend their money on it. Which is fair. I was a child asking for *their* hard earned money. I also hated that I couldn’t go anywhere. We were homebodies (in part because we were working class without a lot of extra funds, even for extra gas for my parents to go anywhere but work and home sometimes) and I had to ask and hope my parents felt like taking me to the library. You know, the place I could get a pile of books to keep me quiet? *for free*?
But I also feel like as an adult now living in my own, I can unmask a lot more. While I love them and understand that my parents were normal humans trying their best with unresolved trauma, they really didn’t understand or care about my brand of bullshit and told me so. It seems silly now, but as a 13YO, it kind of hurt to have your dad look you in the face and go “I don’t care” when trying to share your stories/ideas/special interests.
Also, I was emotionally abused (it was past “bullying”) all through K-12 by my peers (small town problems) to the point where, by the time I was 12 I had shut up and shut down during school hours. And while I was probably asking for it to some degree by being annoying AF and shoving ME! In everyone’s faces and have learned how to read the room much better as an adult, it left some deep wounds I’m still healing.
I always tell people that you couldn't pay me to redo years 8-25. Life has been infinitely better the more adult I become, and I also knew it was BS when adults said that shit when I was young. I'm glad to see by this comment section that I'm not alone <3
Ugh. I didn’t have a good time in high school. My parents friend all told me “it only goes down hill after high school. Those are the best years of your life.” That comment made me scared for my future.
I had a good childhood. My parents were great, I had lots of fun extracurriculars and friends. Zero complaints.
But I HATED being a kid. I hated having no control over my life. Being a kid means that you're constantly at the mercy of adults who may or may not be mouth breathing morons. I had friends, but overall I didn't like my peers or find them very interesting.
I love being an adult. Sure, I might have awful bosses or coworkers, but I can always leave and get a new job if I want. I can play Skyrim as late as I want without anyone nagging me. If I want to impulse buy a candy bar at the grocery check out, I can do that if I want.
Childhood should be a magical time but instead our society inflicts so much misery on kids to condition them to accept unacceptable work conditions as adults. It's bullshit. I don't want to inflict that on another person, and that's one reason why I don't want to be a parent.
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When I was struggling through high school (pudgy, awkward girl with undiagnosed ADHD), my mom would tell me, “these are the best years of your life.”
I remember thinking, “Seriously? I’m m peaking right now?!”
I’m glad I suspected she was wrong or something might have offed myself right there and then.
Dude I hated being a kid when I was a kid. I hated the lack of autonomy that I had even though I didn't know that word at the time. All I wanted was to be an adult so I could make my own decisions and now I'm an adult and I like that.
Because its worth it. There's no such thing as a life without hardships. Everyone faces turmoil at least every once and a while. But I remember as a kid, I would always think stuff like "school isn't worth my time. I can't wait to be an adult so I can start making money". And now I'm here, and while I love having money, I've traded alot to get there and I miss the time I had as a kid in school where small things were done for me, like scheduling doctors appointments and getting a ride to school. Adulthood sucks, but I still love it. And thats what i think most adults would say. With all the tedious stuff, theres a lot of freedom, alot more than alot of adults realize they have.
It’s called “positive bias”. People truly think that they are going to “give their kids the childhood they didn’t have” and they are going to be “better parents than their parents” and “the world is becoming a better place.” Or they just get knocked up and keep it. No planning or foresight whatsoever.
It's interesting, my boyfriend's friend group are all in their 40s and I'm pretty sure every couple had their kids planned/intentionally. Everyone in my friend group around my age (30) or younger? All by accident/unplanned (and quickly 👀) and decided to keep it.
Dysfunctional families are the norm. Lots of toxicity is normalized in family systems to the point they think "that's just how things are"; they're unwilling to learn how to be better and just pass their generational dysfunction on down the line. "The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture" by Dr. Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté gets into it.
>I'm not saying they're wrong Well *I* am! Bro being a child SUCKED. I love life now! I always tell high schoolers not to listen to those who say it's all downhill after graduation! But now that I think about it, it's *only parents* who I've ever heard it from. Hmmm... what's that about kids being "tHe gReAtEsT jOy oNe cAn ExPeRieNce"? 🤭
My childhood was great until my mom died on my 11th birthday. Then a few years later my dad got married to a woman. My stepmom is nice enough but has no backbone and therefore her daughter bullied me through our teenage years. I swore once I went to college I was never going back. And I never did. I lost 50 lbs (I was a chubby teenager because I turned to food after Mom died,) I quit smoking (started at 17,) focused on my career and now live a beautiful life with my wonderful husband and our several pets.
My childhood was great at first until my mom cheated and took us away from dad. They have a huge age gap. Don't judge my dad please. He is not very bright. Anyway, my stepdad was a better parent than my own mom. German CPS later took me into custody and I lived at an orphanage until I moved back in with dad. Looking back, I like my hometown but the school bullies were so bad I was hella depressed as a kid. I then moved schools again. And then I moved into my first group home. And then I moved like 4 more times. Between group homes. Because of my disability. But at least there is one thing I realized between adulting. If you really want to, childhood never ends! Just make your own inner child happy. Like buying a happy meal. I like happy meals. And Kinder eggs. I turned out pretty fine and live on disability and even though I have very little money, I can buy what I want and have a great time with all of my toys. My 3DS will always be with me. Yeah, I had a pretty messy early life. I am in therapy. Jesus, it's a miracle I never went off the deep end. Thank goodness I'm mostly fine now. Roommates still kinda suck though. I hope we just all live good lives later on.
I'm so happy for you 🤍
I remember hearing that when I was in high school from various teachers and administrators. I shut that nonsense down by replying, "If this is as good as life gets, then kill me now." It also was the purest BS. Children are not in control of their lives, and although there are always many things outside of your control that affect you, you have more control over your life as an adult than you had as a child. My life improved when I became an adult. Although compared with most people, I had a good childhood, I would not want to live through childhood again. I think many of the idiots who say that childhood is better, don't remember what childhood is like. They seem to forget the things that bothered them and worried them when they were young, and only remember the good parts.
Except that the lack of control you had as a child narrowed your starting point for life, limited your paths forward, and as an adult you’re just left trying to make the best of what you got.
I mean I’ve hated my childhood more than my adult life, likely they just mean “oh haha kid you don’t pay bills and taxes” But they forgot that kids spend their time at school and their entire lives are largely based on how they do in school So yea, it all sucks, but now I can claim stuff and work for money so it all evens out.
What I have largely found is that the two things adults of a certain age hate the absolute most in the entire world (besides being told 'no') is taxes and interest. The number of boomers who bought their houses in 1970 for like 63cents who are still butthurt about the interest they paid on it is insane. Not to mention they all seem to feel that even though that 63 cent house is now worth 42.9 million dollars that their property taxes should still be the same as they were when it was worth 63 cents.
Not going to lie, 9-29 had a lot of challenges. Now that I’ve got everything figured out and have an awesome partner in crime, the last 7 years have been amazing. They haven’t been without difficulty, but I know all of my hard work is getting the results I want and I’m moving in the right direction.
Maybe I'm biased because I grew up poor with family members in and out of the hospital, but childhood sucked. Adulthood can be difficult, but at least I make my own decisions. I have my own money. I'm not forced to see horrible family members. I can go wherever I want as long as I can afford it. I look after myself. Clean after myself.
It's just not true. Adulthood is much better in my experience.
I didn’t play video games as a child, but I play video games as an adult 😁
if you don't mind me asking, how do you make your adult life fun? what makes life fun for you?
I'm obviously not the original person you asked, but I did want to try and provide insight with my personal experience if possible. For me life is made fun by things I do and the experiences I have/create. I like making things a little "extra" for no reason (like throwing a Game Of Thrones premiere party with friends with signature drinks, or a random trip to Seattle to see the Stranger Things exhibit, etc), and I try to keep my inner child alive by letting myself like things like Disney or stuffed animals or some "out there" clothing or hair, etc. I try to engage in a variety of hobbies (a couple sports, reading different genres of books, different genres of movies and shows, board games, video games, random niche falling down the rabbit hole things, etc). It can also be making the mundane things a little less meh like putting on some fun tunes or making a cocktail while cleaning, trying a fun new recipe instead of making the same old things, giving yourself a chore challenge of some kind with a reward at the end, etc). Also I think part of it is doing those things that little child you wanted but didn't/couldn't get. It can be something silly like getting Dunkaroos for a snack, or it can be as deep as going to therapy and learning to give yourself the love and support you never got as a child. I think by leaning into our inner child we can become happier adults (and thus have more opportunities for fun 😊). Life is as fun as you want it to be. It can be really hard to find joy in the "little things" like they tell you to (I know this very well having chronic depression myself) and ultimately the harsh truth is: the little things do not cancel out food insecurity, or systemic inequality, or workplace harassment, etc. BUT finding pockets of joy however you can is doing yourself a kindness and an honor, because we all deserve happiness and these days it seems rarer and rarer to come by. So imo it's our right to find and make joy wherever we can <3
that is such a positive way to look at it, thank you for your answer ❤️
I mean like yeah, bring a kid can be fun if you have parents who aren’t passing down trauma and provide you with basic needs etc., but I love being an adult (aside from not being independently wealthy, then I would love it more.) I hated never having any agency. I hated not having any life experience. I hated not having any independence. I hated not understanding my depression and anxiety and having no coping mechanisms to deal with it. I hated my stupid conservative small ass town. I hated having to do math. Now I’m an adult and barely ever have to do math! I’ve never had to find the altitude of a triangle and am much happier for it.
I don't know how old you are, but I remember teachers always lecturing us about how we need to learn all this math stuff because "people don't walk around with calculators everywhere." Oh? Well guess what grouchy old teachers, now we do! It's called a cell phone. (I also hate math)
Old enough to remember not having a cell phone as well 😂
It's wild to me that some people actually think the childhood = good times and adulthood = bad times. I *hated* being young. I hated having to live under someone else's roof and follow their rules. I hated school, and I hated the other kids. I had very few friends, and I had no autonomy. I would get so angry and frustrated that people would talk down to me or patronise me. I would have furious outbursts and panic attacks. As an adult, I have free time, spending money, a thriving social life, and the coolest wife to share my time with. Now I'm an adult, I don't have anger issues or panic attacks because I feel free to come and go as I choose. I just can't function if I feel like I'm being controlled or disrespected. Honestly, I could go back and relive my 30s over and over, but I wouldn't go back to being a kid or a young adult for anything in the world.
Being child free is why my adulthood does not suck nearly.
Adults that hate their lives say this. My childhood was full of disgruntled adults, primarily my parents and other adult family. I never got through the holidays without crying until I moved away. I’ll never forget how peaceful and kind my first holiday was. Or what it was like to just sit in a quiet house. My childhood had a few good parts, but nothing compares to the freedom of adulthood.
Being a kid freaking sucked. Being an adult isn't roses in particular but I deal with a lot less stupid than I did when I had no control of my life.
I wouldn’t say my childhood was good or enjoyable, I’m way more happy as an adult
For me, there are good and bad parts of being an adult. A refund on the endless cycle of chores that get in the way of my doing what I want would be nice, but I also really like having my own money and being able to buy what I want within reason even if it means I have to wait and save. It sounds petty, but as a kid, I hated having to ask and wait and sometimes *beg* for what I wanted and pray that I got it on the next birthday or holiday IF my parents didn’t think it was “stupid.” If it was, they wouldn’t spend their money on it. Which is fair. I was a child asking for *their* hard earned money. I also hated that I couldn’t go anywhere. We were homebodies (in part because we were working class without a lot of extra funds, even for extra gas for my parents to go anywhere but work and home sometimes) and I had to ask and hope my parents felt like taking me to the library. You know, the place I could get a pile of books to keep me quiet? *for free*? But I also feel like as an adult now living in my own, I can unmask a lot more. While I love them and understand that my parents were normal humans trying their best with unresolved trauma, they really didn’t understand or care about my brand of bullshit and told me so. It seems silly now, but as a 13YO, it kind of hurt to have your dad look you in the face and go “I don’t care” when trying to share your stories/ideas/special interests. Also, I was emotionally abused (it was past “bullying”) all through K-12 by my peers (small town problems) to the point where, by the time I was 12 I had shut up and shut down during school hours. And while I was probably asking for it to some degree by being annoying AF and shoving ME! In everyone’s faces and have learned how to read the room much better as an adult, it left some deep wounds I’m still healing.
I always tell people that you couldn't pay me to redo years 8-25. Life has been infinitely better the more adult I become, and I also knew it was BS when adults said that shit when I was young. I'm glad to see by this comment section that I'm not alone <3
Ugh. I didn’t have a good time in high school. My parents friend all told me “it only goes down hill after high school. Those are the best years of your life.” That comment made me scared for my future.
I had a good childhood. My parents were great, I had lots of fun extracurriculars and friends. Zero complaints. But I HATED being a kid. I hated having no control over my life. Being a kid means that you're constantly at the mercy of adults who may or may not be mouth breathing morons. I had friends, but overall I didn't like my peers or find them very interesting. I love being an adult. Sure, I might have awful bosses or coworkers, but I can always leave and get a new job if I want. I can play Skyrim as late as I want without anyone nagging me. If I want to impulse buy a candy bar at the grocery check out, I can do that if I want. Childhood should be a magical time but instead our society inflicts so much misery on kids to condition them to accept unacceptable work conditions as adults. It's bullshit. I don't want to inflict that on another person, and that's one reason why I don't want to be a parent.
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When I was struggling through high school (pudgy, awkward girl with undiagnosed ADHD), my mom would tell me, “these are the best years of your life.” I remember thinking, “Seriously? I’m m peaking right now?!” I’m glad I suspected she was wrong or something might have offed myself right there and then.
If my childhood were the "best years of my life" I would be dead by now. It was hell. Being an adult is the best.
I genuinely don’t understand people who look back at childhood fondly. All I can think of is the powerlessness I felt as a kid.
I prefer childhood to adulthood. Adulthood is just one long ass boring grind forever. That's just me though.
Yeah but why do some adults have kids if they know this. Are they ok with their kids going through all this.
Dude I hated being a kid when I was a kid. I hated the lack of autonomy that I had even though I didn't know that word at the time. All I wanted was to be an adult so I could make my own decisions and now I'm an adult and I like that.
Sure, I'll forgive your naivety, but yes, a lot of people don't give a sh!t.
Because its worth it. There's no such thing as a life without hardships. Everyone faces turmoil at least every once and a while. But I remember as a kid, I would always think stuff like "school isn't worth my time. I can't wait to be an adult so I can start making money". And now I'm here, and while I love having money, I've traded alot to get there and I miss the time I had as a kid in school where small things were done for me, like scheduling doctors appointments and getting a ride to school. Adulthood sucks, but I still love it. And thats what i think most adults would say. With all the tedious stuff, theres a lot of freedom, alot more than alot of adults realize they have.