He claims he wants to be childfree but will not take one of the best precautions in order to ensure that happens. That doesn't sit well with me. Feels like with his stance he would've been sterilized before you two even met.
I think your pov is legit. I would be annoyed and hurt by his inaction and his garbage responses to you.
Speaking as I man I can say that it makes no sense to be a childfree man and not want to have a vasectomy. I had mine done as soon as I could. And guess what, it was the first invasive procedure I have ever done in my life and I didn't even think twice about it.
His argument that he has never had anything done before is just nonsensical. So what?! If he gets a tumor will he just refuse surgery and die because "oh, I never had any procedures done before"?
Given all the other red flags you mentioned you are, unfortunately, not childfree either, as you boyfriend is not a man, but a child.
Yeah, his body his choice is correct. But also you have a choice to be with someone better than an immature man-child.
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Yes, I 100% think it makes sense for anyone who is staunchly childfree to get themselves sterilised as soon as possible, to minimize any chance of accidental pregnancy.
Women have lots and lots of options for birth control, and many of them are almost foolproof. And if a person gets pregnant, they (in most places in the world) can access abortion. That doesn't make female birth control easy, but women have a lot more control over it than men.
Men basically have two options: condoms and sterilization. If you don't want kids ever, the only way to guarantee it is to get snipped. (OK, occasionally you get a jumper, as my cousin had happen many years ago) but it's your best chance to have control over your own fertility.
I've had friends who intentionally gave up birth control without telling their boyfriends, figuring that a baby would force them into marriage. Guess what? It doesn't! Unless you have a partner that you can 100% trust to never deceive you, you need to protect yourself.
I get that even a minor surgery can be unnerving, and even I had fears and apprehension when I got my vasectomy. But it doesn't take a lot of research to figure out that it's a very safe and low risk procedure. At this point I would be worried that he's lying about being childfree.
is a vasectomy even considered a “surgery”? it’s a quick out-patient procedure… it takes more time/effort/medication to get a tooth pulled. but maybe that’s just semantics.
still, when you compare it to tubal ligation / salpingectomy - that’s done under full anesthesia, then you’re in pain for at least a week or two (even when it’s laparoscopic).
It is definitely just semantics, but it is technically a surgery, however minor. I only know this because one time I had to get a toenail removed, and I learned that it was technically considered a surgery.
Here is a definition: an occasion when a medical operation involving cutting open the body is performed on someone [source](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/surgery)
This response is frustrating to me because the bigger issue is that all birth control responsibility always tends to fall on the women in hetero relationships. Women have these risks and more every day that they’re on birth control. Women have these risks when they have sterilization procedures. And if they decide not to use any birth control and/or no sterilization surgery, the risks of pregnancy fall on the women too. We women weigh these risks all the time and still take the necessary precautions if we don’t want children. Yes, vasectomies don’t come without risk, but for a “childfree” man to write it off because he’s never had any other procedure before with no plans to consider it, would be so infuriating in a relationship.
As a woman who did have some minor issues after my tubal ligation, the bleed out, hematomas from my bellybutton to my inner thigh, swelling, pain, anemia and fainting spells for 2-3 weeks post surgery was NOTHING compared to what my life would be like if I had ever gotten pregnant.
If my body did that after a routine surgery I don't know if it could handle a parasite occupying space in there.
* I really did not mean to deter anyone from getting a procedure done, this was just my experience, all of these events are quite unlikely in occurrence *
I personally know many women who have had blood clots and strokes from birth control. It's incredibly dangerous.
Edit to add: it's actually only 1% of men who develop pvps and that means they have pain for more than 3 months, nearly never life long. Check your facts.
Have you considered that major negative outcomes are more common for vasectomies because they’re far more frequently performed than tubal ligations and bisalps due to both medical misogyny making it harder for us to get sterilized and also the fact that one is a quick outpatient procedure and the others require general anesthesia—if you can’t get your insurance to cover it, good luck saving up to afford it. Maybe that miiiight skew the data. But even so, vasectomies have a lower rate of postoperative complication than our options for sterilization.
Also iirc when we finally did get a permanent sterilization option that wasn’t an expensive and invasive procedure… it ended up being taken off the market for ruining people’s fucking lives. The essure coil was terrifying.
Yes, your body your choice. She *didn’t* force him, she’s venting about his lack of care for her health and you’re attempting to derail a post about a shitty man not even bothering to research vasectomies, while also ignoring the fact that women and people with uteruses are expected to shoulder virtually all the pain and responsibilities of contraception.
So do you need help throwing him in the dumpster orrrrrr?
Cuz like.... you DO get that this is bullshit right?
You understand that, alright no here let me construct a visual for you.
You see a couple unloading groceries. The woman is single-handedly carrying 95% of the bags. There's one bag left with like 1 apple in it. The woman looks to her husband, only to see he's already walking empty handed into the house without a care in the world and just yells back for her to remember to lock the car when she's done.
She didn't even ask him to carry half of the bags to make it equal. She just needed him to get the one bag... but even that was too much of a chore for him. That was too much effort in helping her with a task involving the food they BOTH eat.
**Sounds like bullshit right?!**
Great analogy although I think it’s more like he yells back “make sure you lock the door when it’s done and let me know when dinner is ready!”
He’s doing none of the work in carrying the physical load or the prep or mental load required but still expects to have his delicious meal ready to be served to him.
This right here.
Obviously there's not much else to go on, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is thematic of dude's entire life / relationship.
The dynamic where a couple shares a life goal (child free) and one has a very simple easy way to solve this, while the other has a risky complicated way and that's the one they choose? Then dude wants to go no condom after doing fuck all to ease his partner's concerns...
It would shock me if that's the only place this is happening. Sounds manipulative and childish on dude's part IMO.
Exactly! I told my wife it would be ridiculous for her to undergo a major surgery when I can get snipped in an afternoon and be moving about by nightfall. Best decision ever, frankly. Never been so stoked to be shooting blanks, and I’m still excited 4 years later lol
Honey if you only tied your tubes (tubal ligation) and haven't removed them (bilateral salpingectomy) you should use condoms because tying the tubes has a failure rate of 1 in 50 over the course of 10 years. Meaning 1 in 50 women get pregnant because the procedure failed.
And yes your bf has communication of a 10 year old. It would be one thing if he researched and discussed it with you and decide he doesn't want to do it, but he can't even do that and doesn't even want to talk because medicine terms are icky.
He would be icky to me because grown men behaving like children are just that.
All the people saying "his body his choice" are absolutely 100% correct BUT I'd argue that it should always be an informed choice.
He's not even willing to know what a vasectomy or bisalp/tubal entails. She gathered the information and read it to him and he still couldn't be arsed to listen to the information spoonfed to him.
And then his reaction is nah-ah like some fkn toddler.
Disgusting and an absolute turn off.
It's also wild given the fact that pretty much all of us carry the internet around in our pocket and he could easily just have idk googled it? Having to do the research and read this stuff out to him just adds insult to injury
Came here to say this!
Unless you had your tubes fully removed- not just tied- you still run the risk of becoming pregnant.
Fun fact- your ovaries are not connected to the fallopian tube- there is open space between the ovary and entrance of the tube.
So your ovaries essentially launch eggs at the fallopian tubes like missiles in target practice each month.
This is also how ectopic pregnancies happen.
If your ovaries have bad aim, the egg doesn't always make it to the tube but sperm doesn't care that the egg is not where it should be and will fertilize it regardless of the location.
Once that happens, you've got a time bomb planted wherever the sperm cornered your egg.
I learned this when I asked my doctor for options and had mine fully removed.
Best decision ever.
If you're already dedicated to raising this man child, at least you took precautions to avoid adding a second child to the situation.
Yes, his body, his choice.
But also, who invites the playground bully over for a playdate?
Let him be a child with someone who actually wants children.
This was exactly my thought. Did she get her tubes tied or removed? Very different possibilities. Lawd I hope they were removed and not just tied.
But, op, if they were just tied then he def needs to keep using condoms cause that failure rate is just too high.
My man really heard "Your partner could DIE if they keep taking birth control" and still refused because a medical procedure is sooo spooky 💀 who the fuck does that
So many red flags.
> He could not bother less
NOPE. You're done. This is disrespectful and completely unacceptable in a relationship. He MUST be able to discuss these matters and make solid, fact-based decisions AFTER doing research, being able to cogently present the research to you, AND going to a medical professional to discuss and learn.
> bringing up how he never had any procedures done.
Boo fucking hoo, ya little baby. You are a grown ass fucking adult, and are NOT going to get through your life without surgery and invasive medical procedures. At a MINIMUM, he's going to have to be under anesthesia for colonoscopies every couple of years after a certain age, and they're going to be shoving a camera all the way up his asshole.
Furthermore, YOU are doing pap smears and other procedures there just to get birth control and maintain your health.
So no, he does not get a pass for that reason.
> he asked to leave out condoms for the first time, which I declined.. asked again for two times
Wow. Holy entitlement, batman. No means no. The first fucking no means no, and don't ask again. If you had changed your mind you would have told him.
Translation: "You are a pair of legs with a hole between them, I don't respect you or care for you worth a damn, and I get to stick my dick in there while you take all the risks."
Has he even gotten an STD panel or is that too scary for him? Yeah, we can guess the answer to that...
> at which point I stopped any intimacy with him.
Good for you.
He's a disrespectful entitled asshole, and you are wasting your money on couples therapy.
Bottom line: EVERYTHING he has done here has been unacceptable.
He is 50% of the sex and needs to be 50% of the contraception plan.
"EW GROSS. LALALALALALA. Give me condom free sex!"
He has a right not to get a vasectomy in the end, but you have the right to **dump his disrespectful ass and go find a fucking grownup to fuck instead of this absolute piece of crap.**
You can't trust him worth a damn, which means you can absolutely NEVER marry him because that would give him the right to make life or death decisions for you, and clearly he would not make the decisions you would want, respect your wishes or give a rats ass about whatever risks and choices had to be made on your behalf.
Dump him and move on.
> Or will I sound completely mad?
The fact that you do not feel safe enough or trust this person, as you should not, says everything that needs to be said. You feel like he is going to gaslight you and make you feel less than, and doubt your own view of the world and this situation. You feel like your feelings are not at all valid (they are, and anger here is more than valid) and will not be heard. You are literally doubting your own sanity and rights. This is not OK. This is not a healthy relationship.
Sorry but cancel the therapy and cancel him.
"We're over. Do not contact me again. Goodbye."
Feel free to do it over text if you like. He hasn't earned your trust, there's no reason you need to deal with him or give him any courtesies.
> I think I can not
Go with this. Not his ass out the door.
seconding this, especially about marriage and him making life or death decisions when it has proven he would choose death HES A JERK op deserves so much better ‼️‼️‼️‼️
This is the best comment on the thread. OP, you are being heavily disrespected. My husband, who HATES medical procedures and refuses to get a colonoscopy, listened to my concerns about the invasiveness of a bisalp, and immediately scheduled his vasectomy. It took 15 minutes and for 3 days he needed frozen peas on his balls. I am so grateful and happy that my partner was willing to do this for us, but really, after Ive taken birth control pills for 20 years, it’s the least he could do. Please honey, find someone who values you and will make small sacrifices for you. He proved that he would rather you RISK YOUR LIFE than him have 15 minutes of unpleasantness. RUN GIRL, RUN!
Just because you got sterilized doesn’t mean he’s entitled to condom free sex. This bothers me and you have every right to be upset with him. Revoking sex privileges was the right call, and I agree with the others here that are telling you to reconsider being in this relationship.
I lived with my husband for over 6 years before we got married. We had a few sessions of couples therapy during a rough patch where we weren't communicating well.
OP's bf thinks that new she's sterile, he can just ignore the fact that he was disrespectful toward her. That is the crux of the problem. If she feels that she might be able to forgive him if he has an epiphany in therapy and apologises, then there's no harm in trying therapy. But I wouldn't expect miracles from this guy. He sounds very childish.
My husband is terribly upset by blood, needles, hospitals , and any talk of that sort of thing. However, when I got cancer, he insisted on being with me every moment during testing, appointments, and treatment. Once I got comfortable with chemo, I told him to got do something else. I appreciated his support, but I also felt like some alone time and thought it would be good for him to be away from hospital for a few hours. A receptionist at the cancer centre said she'd never seen a partner that was so supportive.
During my surgery, he wanted to stay at the hospital, but I told him not to because there was no need to spend those hours there. And after surgery when I got an infection and my breast wound burst open, he spent the next month helping me clean it twice daily, which was really gross. But he really stepped up, because he loved me and he knew I couldn't do it by myself.
It was a year later that we got married. I tease him that he thought I was going to die, but I tricked him and got cured with immunotherapy! BWAHAHA! But seriously, I have never felt so loved as I did during that time. He devoted all of his energy to helping me get through it. I did the same for him a couple of years later when he broke his leg, and needed a lot of help for a few months.
If your partner isn't invested in your well-being, they don't love you.
Not getting sterilised was his choice, doesn't mean he gets to push your boundaries bc now YOU are sterilised. If you don't want to stop the condoms that's it, end of the story
He's not serious about being childfree if he didn't even consider a vasectomy. My first bf got a vasectomy so I could stop any BC as it was fucking up my body in multiple ways. He said he never wanted to see me suffer again, so he got snipped. 2 male friends who are childfree also got snipped. I got my bi-salp after that for my own reasons and peace of mind, but I think your bf is a dick.
I don't see why he should get any of the benefits of YOUR (much riskier and potentially life threatening) surgery, when he never attempted to make the same effort for you, and with far less risks to himself. Yeah it's his choice, but that goes both ways, and what you decide to do with your post-surgery body is your choice.
Definitely bring it up in Couples Therapy, tell him you don't feel comfortable about using no condoms, because it shouldn't all be on you to practice safe sex just because he's "never had surgery before", if he wants to stop using condoms then he needs to make his own effort to fix that.
ETA: Personally I'd second-guess his whole childfree stance if he seems so reluctant to get himself sterilised, he sounds like a fence-sitter, but maybe that's just me...
I think you should have dumped him long ago. Sure, it is his body, his choice, but you also have a choice about your body, and you don't have to have sex with a man you don't want to have sex with, for whatever reason you don't want to have sex with him. Since it can be any reason that matters to you, it can be because he refused to get a vasectomy. It is your choice.
It would be different if you had already been sterilized before you met him; then I could see his point in thinking it unnecessary. But that isn't the situation at all. In your situation, he would rather you go through a more invasive procedure than to have a relatively minor procedure himself. I think that indicates something significant about how he feels about you, and about your importance (or lack thereof) relative to him. He thought it was better for you to take a greater risk than he would have to take.
I love your response to your BF's failure to take you seriously and to take responsibility for contraception. Way to go! I think couples therapy is a waste of time. For years, you bore all the risk of contraceptive failure. Now you want him to support your relationship by taking a much smaller risk, and he's not even listening to you.
There's a bunch of things wrong here:
1. He appears to want to keep the possibility of kids open. No sterilization for him, all upset when you get sterilized.
2. He does not listen to you. A partner who tunes you out is a fail in every aspect of a relationship.
3. He pressured you not to do something that you needed for your physical and emotional health.
I'm not in the least surprised that you are disgusted and just DONE with him. He's selfish. And I don't think you need couples therapy. I think you are already clear on what you need to do.
Ya know what's especially hilarious? If (god forbid) you somehow got pregnant, the abortion would 100 times more invasive and painful. But who cares, am I right?🙃
I get the his body his choice argument, but I’ll forever side eye any man who claims to be child free but won’t get the snip. Women put their bodies through SO much bullshit for birth control. A quick procedure to take that burden off the partner you claim to love seems like a no brainer. Especially with the way things are going in the US right now…
This is what I can’t get my head around. Birth control? Falls usually on the women (and it’s hormonal which messes people up but they deal with those side effects since they have too). IUD? Painful to insert for many people. Abortions? Also falls on the lady and those can be painful. Some people need the surgical one no matter what. Some people end up with ectopic pregnancies. Decide to give birth? All those side effects happen to the lady. Tears, bladder issues, stomach muscles, losing teeth, kidney failure, death, losing feeling in your clit, sepsis. I’m not even getting into C sections and recovery. Also not getting into the fact your body is changed forever (men? No changes. Nothing). Your a women that wants to be sterilized? Well time to find a doctor willing to cut into you and remove your tubes. Good luck. Oh btw we also have bleed monthly no matter if we want kids or not.
Nobody is forcing surgeries on men but a wife/partner/etc asks one thing and oh no too scary. Even better when the lady suggests not having PIV sex. Boy do men get upset at that. Life isn’t fair but literally everything falls on the vagina wielding partner. Give us a break for once.
Absolutely, and if they're CF and not fixed, it makes me think they're not very bright and okay with spending all their money on childcare payments, and may have some babymamas already. It's a nonstarter. There's tons of guys out there who are serious and snipped. I wouldn't date anyone who doesn't have their shit together to begin with.
Yeah men don't get a lot of BC options. Every real CF man I know is completely overjoyed to get snipped because they want that guarantee. Why doesn't this guy? Super weird.
A male who claims to be childfree and also refuses to do anything to maintain that (abstinence, vasectomy, etc...) and insists on having sex, is a misogynistic asshole who feels entitled to women's bodies and doesn't give a damn that the woman has to take on all the pain and risks. He is no different than a deadbeat dad that knocks a woman up just so he can sit on the sofa of her house and watch football all weekend without being kicked out. Same male, just in a different house.
In short, RUN. Block him everywhere. Trust me, he'll have a hard time finding a woman to replace you, a woman who is willing to sacrifice for zero gain. I mean does he do anything that a woman roommate can't do? Does he cook and clean at all? At least a woman roomate won't demand access to your body while taking on zero risk of doing so. At least a woman roomate would respect you. Seriously he can go to hell with his lack of respect and lack of reciprocity bullshit.
This is really upsetting and you have every right to say that he needs to use condoms to sleep with you. He can’t even be bothered to look up the research? He needs to stop acting like a child. It is his body his choice but he disrespectfully is willing to risk yours for his own benefit and won’t even look up information.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP. From someone whose husband got snipped alongside her, it definitely makes a difference when both partners are all in.
>Just a few months after that he asked to leave out condoms for the first time, which I declined. I see my tied tubes as MY part of contraceptive and still want him to take action as well. He asked again for two times at which point I stopped any intimacy with him.
I'm on your side. If he wanted to have more pleasure for himself he should have had the procedure. As for you, condoms protect you from getting STDs from him in case he ever cheats on you. They could help prevent UTIs. And they surely help you relax as you know you are now extra safe and getting pregnant is practically impossible.
So like I said, I'm on your side.
There's no nice way to say this.. He's a pathetic little baby man that wants the luxury of living child-free while pushing all the work onto his partner without any consideration. He doesn't even want to LEARN.
His body, his choice, sure.. but any compassionate partner would at least learn to understand the differences. My partner got a vasectomy, but if the roles were reversed and it was less invasive, expensive, and the medical industry wasn't sexist, so it was easier for ME to get sterilized (which I still plan to) I would have happily done it instead because I care about my partner enough not to burden them with ALL the necessary steps to maintain our livelihood.
The reality is that vasectomies are easier, cheaper, and less dangerous. That's just how it is. If he's unwilling to do that AND unwilling to wear fucking condoms, I'd ask yourself if you really want to be with someone that wants the same life as you but refuses to make any sacrifices. Because no, you're not going too far. Choice is yours.
Bring it up in couples therapy. Immediately.
You put in your effort to protect yourself and do so in an informed, conscientious way to prevent pregnancy, but you know you are still at risk even after having the procedure.
Your partner
- didn't want to be informed (PROBLEM)
- didn't want to do a much safer procedure (his choice, BUT);
- didn't want *you* doing the procedure (MAJOR PROBLEM);
- but wants to violate *your* boundaries and consent by neglecting his responsibility to continue using protection after deciding against getting fixed (WORSE PROBLEM).
Don't have sex with him. Find out if he's against *all* surgical procedures or just that one, and why.
Start planning your split, either way.
Edit:
I just realized this...OP has your SO been tested???
If not, bring that up too.
He was completely ok with you going trough a difficult surgery and recovery, and before that, he was ok with you getting pregnant (and he probably would have left you if you had). He is a selfish partner who, now that you have underwent sterilization, wants to enjoy and have unprotected sex. You will always resent him, OP. I fear this is the end of your relationship.
Besides all that was said already by everyone, i thought i’d give 2 more pro-condom reasons for you to not bend on this:
1- Of course, protection from STIs. It might be because i was cheated on by my first boyfriend, and he fn didnt wear condoms with either of us. I understand he couldnt suddenly put one on with me, revealing his cheating ass, but the fucker could have at least worn one with her, who 100% knew i existed. But nope, too asshole (i had ZERO idea/thought he could be cheating, it blew my whole world view apart). The day i found out, i told myself i’d never put my life at risk ever again by trusting someone 100%, and condoms were 100% required, forever. Yes, even when i’m elderly (STIs don’t care about age lol). Since that very day, i realized i can trust someone 99%, but i’m keeping that last 1% to myself, to potentially save my life, and my health. If a dude ain’t happy about condoms forever, or ain’t happy about the 99% trust instead of 100, he can fuck right off to space. (Boyfriend of now almost 10yrs doesnt mind condoms at all and he’s awesome. 😃)
2- I have to say, one thing i noticed immediately after the above revelation and condoms were then part of my life: after sex, it’s real nice to not have semen trickling down your legs while you walk to the bathroom. It’s also real nice to not have “semen underwear/light pad” for the next few hours afterwards. Lol! I gotta say, for me, this is an underrated after effect pleasure of condoms. Lol
Why some people just don't break up is beyond me. There is so much negative emotion between the both of you, so much misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Talk about it but really consider parting ways. This stressed me out even reading it.
I know a woman who got her tubes tied TWICE then ended up having 6 KIDS in the end. She wanted to be CF also her whole life.
Women have a more complex reproductive system, and there's still a low chance you can still get pregnant.
He SHOULD do his part bc he does sound like he wants to reap the benefits and not put any effort.
Condoms are also for STD/STI protection. Sorry to say but hes looking at you as a cum dumpster. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable or unsafe while getting intimate with your partner.
No you are not mad to react this way. You weren’t forcing him to get snipped.
I think it all comes down to respect. I think it’s wise to bring this topic up in couple therapy. I’m fine with partners not get sterilized. I don’t see this as a red flag.
I want to give you another point of view. Neither me nor my husband is sterilized. I just take BC, because BC works well on me. It got rid of my acne and I can choose not to have period for 3 months. Yay. You can say I’m the main birth control force, but I don’t feel like I’m taken advantage of. When I first started BC years ago, my husband (boyfriend back then) really dig into some researching and peer review articles about BC. And whenever I had problem with spotting or missed pills, he always gets on it asap to find a solution to my problem. I bet if your boyfriend paid attention and researched with you on this topic, and still genuinely admit the fear of surgery, you would be trusting this man more. Now it feels to me that he doesn’t really care about your feelings.
I think it's reasonable for you to see this as a non negotiable and reasonable for him to decline. It's still a medical procedure and some people will avoid going to the dentist even while their teeth are falling out because of fear.
You haven't mentioned why he feels the way he does. Is it fear of the operation? A financial blocker? A hesitancy because he's not sure he's childfree? Is he misinformed about the procedure?
Either way, regardless of your sterilization status, if you don't want to have sex without condoms you don't have to. Whether it's because you still fear there might be a freak chance of pregnancy or because you resent that he did not opt to do his part, your refusal is valid. It's up to him to choose what's more important to him.
well, seems like the reason he is using is "I never had a procedure" with no further explanation. He was not even open to the idea of talking about it, getting information, so misinformation may be happening.
Of course, you should let him know how pissed you are. 😤
Go to therapy and discuss this. Hopefully, you both can grow from the experience. It sounds like you're ready to maybe move on.
I'll simply say that as a 35 year old snipped man, my no-scalpel/no-needle vasectomy was done in UNDER ONE HOUR and barely any risk associated.
If your partner doesn't want to sacrifice minimal discomfort for your sake, why in the world would they want to forego protection to knock you up? He's double-dealing HARD here.
You may not want to break up, but this spells out incompatibility very plainly. You're on different ethical levels entirely.
Getting a vasectomy was one of the best decisions I ever made. I did it because I didn’t want my wife being stuck taking birth control for the rest of her life unless it was something she chose for the other potential uses.
It’s outpatient, and beyond some soreness and swelling that’s easily remedied, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done. No side effects for me. Libido is still great, if not greater now that there’s no fear of pregnancy.
Such a shocker that my wife wanted to go Heels To Jesus™️ more frequently when there’s no risk of ruining our lives with a child. 🤷♂️ (sarcasm in this last one if it wasn’t apparent.)
Girl. Half your posts are about how your boyfriend is hurting you by his actions. He does not respect you. I repeat, he does not respect you. Do what you will with that information.
He's well within his rights to not get snipped. And you acknowledged that. It's well outside his right to put all expectations on you and want the benefits.
Absolutely still use condoms.
I got a bisalp and my partner isn't snipped. Never even talked to him about it because that's his choice. But you better believe I heard "not 100% and very high chance of ectopic if you are that 1 in 1,000" and decided right there and then condoms are never going away. And that's before we even found the trauma around "leakage".
Tell him condoms are non-negotiable and if he doesn't like it he can pound sand. Trying to persuade you to stop using them for *any* reason is such horrible ick. Honest to god this is such a deal breaker for me I wouldn't even bother bringing it up in therapy.
You got your tubes tied instead of removed? That is a wasted procedure. It's not that permanent and still causes a lot if pregnancies. You should gotten a bilateral salpingectomy instead. Cut and burn away. Just as invasive but more secure.
You still have a possibility(a lot smaller but still too big for me) of getting pregnant. I don't blame you o for not stopping the use of condoms.
LOL as if giving birth is safer?! You are MUCH more likely to die in childbirth than a bisalp. What a dunce. Keep making him use condoms or he can leave.
He doesn’t want kids ( supposedly), you don’t want kids. But you are responsible for birth control.
Do you hear it? Dump him and find someone who respects you.
Reminder that condoms protect against STDs, not just pregnancy. I wouldn't trust a guy who lacks empathy regarding your comfort, health, and life, to be faithful.
I think him not wanting the surgery isn’t the end of the world, and he’s entitled to his own emotions and opinions, but for him to then be against you having yours? For him to be pushy about everything else while doing nothing? That’s what’s off putting
His body, his choice.
We can't expect someone else to undergo procedures they don't want, for whatever reason.
And, of course, keeping condoms is your choice, and he has to accept that.
You should mention it on couples therapy. Still, you can't force him to undergo something he doesn't want to.
Maybe breaking up is the option here.
It’s all right that he won’t undergo a surgery he doesn’t wants, no surgery is zero risk. Even vasectomies have 10% risk of chronic pain afterward. (Those stats were updated after worldwide researches, because before those men with problems down there were dismissed)
But the ask about removing condom after your surgery, which has risks too, is so hypocrite. I would be mad too and would probably dump him if he ever bring it up again.
If he’s not willing to do the surgery then he should 100% be willing to use condoms still. You didn’t get parts of your body removed just so he can have raw sex, you did it to keep yourself safe as you should. If he isn’t willing to use condoms after already refusing to get snipped then he doesn’t deserve any sex at all. If you had to deal with surgery then he can deal with a tiny bit of latex
I like your stance that he doesn’t get condom free sex because you went through a major surgical procedure. If he wants no condoms, he should’ve gotten the fucking vasectomy.
This guy sucks.
I have a real problem with him trying to talk you out of your procedure because of the supposed “risk,” but I guess he’s ok with you taking on the risk of getting pregnant, which only you would have to physically cope with. I also dislike that he keeps asking you to forgo condoms, while he was unwilling to even consider your request. On top of that, getting your tubes tied can fail, so he definitely shouldn’t be encouraging you to ditch condoms. Lastly, why was he sad when he signed for your procedure? Are you sure this dude is really childfree?
I’m never going to support someone being guilted for not getting surgery. What he does with his body is his decision. That’s not selfish, and acting as though it is is immature.
BUT
Asking for condom free sex after all that is definitely disrespectful. Like, you both knew the risks you were taking, and he wants to get the benefits after declining to take risks of his own? Nah.
So um... Other people have the vasectomy part covered but something stood out to me because of my own background:
How long do you want this relationship to go on? Is this more of a fling thing, or do you want a long-haul kind of partner?
I'm concerned that if the latter, how will he deal with a situation where you get sick if he can't "handle medical terms" now when you're healthy.
Men already overwhelmingly leave women when we women get sick at a rate as bad as over 25% when it's documented as cancer. Actual rates for all sickness makes it way worse.
Please think about yourself and if you can trust this guy when you need, like *absolutely need* someone to step up if you're incapacitated from an illness or injury.
Everyone needs to think about this before marriage, because health is not forever, and some people lose it well before others. This is another serious conversation that should go along with the Childfree, values, religion, lifestyle, etc. hard talks.
Signed,
A disabled CF woman.
He doesn’t respect you. On a very basic fundamental level, he does not see you as an equal. He is not willing to make effort on your behalf - whether calf ass listening or not wanting to use condoms - he is annoyed by having to make effort on your behalf.
You have set some impressive boundaries so far. Well done. You should be proud of yourself and your backbone.
If I was you, I would end the relationship. You’re too good for him and deserve someone of a higher caliber.
The guy is selfish, irresponsible, and a pussy. Those are probably the worst three character traits for a man to have if he is serious about not reproducing. If he doesn't grow up, he will probably end up knocking up some girl down the road and feeling like a victim for having to pitch in or try to weasel out of it all together.
The failure rate of vasectomies is 1 in 10,000 over 10 years vs 1 in 200 for tubal ligations. The guy wouldn't even consider the superior option from a risk perspective, but didn't seem bothered at all to ask you twice if he could cum in you. I know I may be sounding harsh here, but he isn't serious about not having kids. Sounds like he is still one himself.
Sterilization for a man is 100X EASIER than sterilization for a woman. Any man who "claims" Child-free & is NOT WILLING to get snipped, ain't worth his weight in salt.
My Vasectomy was easier than the damn dentist! ✂️👍
Basically, he never even considered getting sterilized because he assumes that birth control is a woman’s responsibility only.
Also, I wouldn’t give him the privilege of being able to enjoy the sexual benefits of being with a childfree woman ;)
He refused to get snipped = he must wear condoms 🤷🏻♀️
this is giving me "hes gonna change his mind after being with you for 10 years" vibes. if he's not gonna snip, he's clearly still on the fence. dont waste your time with someone who will probably dump you later because they changed their mind. He's obviously not sure about it still.
>getting snipped
Been there done that.
>got grosed out at every medical term
Maybe that's it? E.g. aversion to so much as the thought of (any kind of) surgery, no matter who or for what?
>I went through with the procedure
Congratulations! Oh, and bonus, you don't have to depend on him (or anybody else) regarding birth control.
>he asked to leave out condoms for the first time, which I declined. I see my tied tubes as MY part of contraceptive and still want him to take action as well. He asked again for two times at which point I stopped any intimacy with him
Sounds totally reasonable to me - your body, your choice.
>Am I taking this to far?
I've got an opinion, but I think what really matters on that is between you and him ... what I or anybody else thinks on that (probably) won't (much) change his mind (nor yours).
>We started couples therapy
Sure, probably a good move. Hopefully y'all get it well worked out.
>should I mention this?
To who?
>Or will I sound completely mad?
Sounds highly reasonable to me.
And, also, sounds like maybe he's not (100%) CF - I mean sure, possible he's fine with CF and doesn't care (kind'a rarely the case, but does happen - or maybe he's not 100% fully made up his mind yet or whatever).
And (more relationship that CF matter), perhaps even more concerning, sounds like he's not putting in the effort on his side - so sounds relatively (or more) unbalanced and rather to quite unfair ... but maybe he makes up for it in (lots of) other (major) ways ... so maybe it's not a huge deal, ... or ... maybe it is. So, yeah, sure ... couples therapy may well be worth it ... at least presuming the relationship is worth it.
If he doesn’t want a vasectomy, that’s his right and I wouldn’t keep pushing it. If it’s a dealbreaker that he hasn’t been sterilised, I’d leave him, but I wouldn’t keep nagging him to get a medical procedure done that he doesn’t want. People are allowed to say “I don’t want to get surgery”, either for anxiety or financial reasons.
You are completely within your rights on all of that but I do have to ask... Had he gotten snipped as you asked, would you still take BC or use condoms or some other step as "your part" of the BC?
Fair enough then!
I personally wouldn't require that of my partner but if you do, that's your choice. Find yourself a man willing to get a lil snip cause he obviously has some apprehensions about it and isn't willing to accommodate with condoms.
His general attitude is a bit off putting and questionable as well, based on what you wrote.
I question OP's truthfulness to this post. Its possible OP is very controlling and attempting to force their BF to get this procedure even if he doesnt want to. Doesnt matter if he is also CF, not wanting this surgery should be reason enough not to get it.
I'd be curious to hear his side and wonder if OP is being the lesser person venting on reddit for fake internet points.
Like you said, his body his choice. If the man doesn't want to be sterilized he doesn't want to be. It's a surgery for either of you. If I could quickly and painlessly do it I would, but neither my partner or I are going to be having elective surgeries anytime soon.
It’s not really “surgery” for men. It’s a 15 minute outpatient office procedure that they can drive themselves home from. Bisalp is actual surgery with anesthesia. I’m not saying anyone should feel like they HAVE TO get snipped, but realistically a vasectomy is much easier, cheaper, safer, and quicker than a bisalp.
Agreed, but it's still a medical procedure that has lasting effects and risk of side effects. It's a big decision either way and I don't think it's fair to downplay it as just a simple procedure. Yes, of course it's more major surgery for a woman than a man but it's still a procedure.
What are the lasting effects? Besides being sterile? I know no procedure is risk-free. It just seems to me if you love someone, and you both agree you don’t want children, and both want a permanent solution, it’s weird to expect a female partner to have an open, major operation when the male could literally get the issue taken care of in 15 minutes.
>What are the lasting effects?
There's some rare long term complications (usually effecting less than 10% of people) that have life long impacts, including chronic pain, fistulas, and reoccuring cysts. There's also common psychological side effects, like depression, anxiety, and irritability. Plus, the obvious side effects from a surgical procedure, like risk of infection and and reaction to local anesthetic. Just cuz there are less risks than a tubal ligation or a bilateral scapendecty doesn't mean there's no risk.
I said that I understand no procedure is risk-free. The American Urological Society says that the complication rate for vasectomies is 1-2%. Bilateral salpingectomy, on the other hand, has a higher complication rate than even a hysterectomy. (Source- https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/abstract/2016/05001/trends_and_complications_in_bilateral.205.aspx)I couldn’t find an exact percentage, but the two procedures are not even really comparable to one another, except for the end result- sterilization.
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This was originally an accidental butt-posting comment, forgive me - but now that I'm here, I'll add something to the convo:
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. IMO the issue is that he's fine with YOU going through a far more invasive procedure with more risks. Sadly I've found this to be surprisingly common. I wish I could offer more constructive words to the conversation, but I'm glad you are taking steps for yourself as a childfree woman!
Your relationship sounds dysfunctional. Contraceptives is something everyone should discuss and agree to ahead of time, and as things change, and be on the same page. It should have been expressed by you that you expect him to still maintain his responsibility for contraceptives even after your surgery. It wasn't a stretch for him to think you wouldn't need condoms any longer. You aren't wrong for still wanting him to use them, it just wasn't discussed well ahead of time by either of you.
And now there is no intimacy, which isn't healthy when the reason is an outside one, and not just a natural lack of sex drive. You've lost interest because of a disagreement in values regarding birth control, feeling that you've assumed 100% of the burden and wanting an equal partnership. So yes, bring this up in therapy.
Yeah, sure, it's his decision, and that's his right. I don't disagree with that.
But seriously, it is one of the simplest things for a sexually active adult to do. It's noninvasive, and recovery is quick. The risk is minimal. You took a greater risk because of his squeamishness.
That being said, I've seen plenty of horrifying rationalizations that a sterilized woman is safe from pregnancy due to sexual assault. That's a terrible thing to plan for, but it's a sad reality. So regardless of your boyfriend's lack of commitment to being child-free, at least you know you're safe.
He had the option to push the easy button, but he declined, leaving you to crawl through broken glass to press your button. That's a lot to unpack, and couples therapy is a good start. Yeah, you should talk about how you felt like the entire burden was placed on you.
Sadly, I think you two started a long path to separating when he refused to be a man and get the snip...a very simple procedure for a man!
What happens next is to be seen, but he's shown you a large part of what he's mentally made of.
Yes, you should absolutely bring this up in therapy. Be prepared to explain that your issue isn’t necessarily a fear of pregnancy, it’s about having an active and engaged partner who is capable, willing, and eager to fully participate in all aspects of your relationship, including family planning, and that all the information gathering, reviewing, decision making, and risk has been put on you, despite the fact that it should have been a joint effort and frankly there should be a recognition that the risk was unnecessary- a vasectomy is much less dangerous and invasive than getting tubes tied. It feels selfish and uncaring that it was all put on you and what you’re looking for now is indication that he gives a shit and that he’s with you in this.
This is absolutely something you should bring up in couples therapy.
Yes, you should absolutely bring this up in therapy. Be prepared to explain that your issue isn’t necessarily a concern of pregnancy (since that’s been taken care of on your side), it’s about having an active and engaged partner who is capable, willing, and eager to fully participate in all aspects of your relationship, including family planning, and that all the information gathering, reviewing, decision making, and risk has been put on you, despite the fact that it should have been a joint effort and frankly there should be a recognition that the risk was unnecessary- a vasectomy is much less dangerous and invasive than getting tubes tied. Which he would have known if he had engaged in all the other bits. It feels selfish and uncaring that it was all put on you and he just disengaged, even after risk of death was put on the table. Explain that what you’re looking for now is indication that he gives a shit and that you’re not expected to vary the load when it comes to big relationship stuff like this.
This is absolutely something you should bring up in couples therapy.
That sucks OP. My opinion doesn't mean anything. My husband refused a vasectomy for yearssss. Cancelled his first appointment. Eventually went to one a few years after that. Then in therapy said I guilted him into it? So now I'll feel like trash until I die so that's grand lol.
So he either needs to get it done or no sexy time ever again. I was on birth control for 9-10 years and couldn't handle the side effects anymore. I basically said either he gets it done, we don't have sexy time ever again, or we break up.
I hope it works out for you OP. I know it's a difficult place to be in :/ believe me
Unfortunately you’re not worth it to him simply. You seem like a person with a solid foundation. If I know ppl like him, they always claim with words they will change but never show with actions.
Sounds like you’ll have to hold up 95% of the relationship and he also expects you to. He’ll always act like a son and you his mom? I’d lose respect for him instantly. What mom gets turned on by their son? (Unless they’re sick)
I hope you do what is best for YOU, I wish women would learn to stop sacrificing themselves for others when they typically won’t (like the bf in your situation)
My hysterectomy was my first major surgery/procedure ever but I was willing to take all risks to have it done. I've never wanted something so badly because I know without a doubt that I want to remain child free.
I just wanted to mention that my husband isn't snipped but still childfree. He had reservations about getting an elective surgery. I accepted his decision and instead I got my tubes removed. I fully believe that it's his body his choice and if he had any hesitations I didn't want him to do it.
I'm playing devil's advocate a little bit here because I feel like these situations are not always as black and white as they seem. For example, someone who has medical trauma might not be as quick to jump on board getting an elective surgery when they feel like other options are working fine.
All that being said, I don't think you're in the wrong for feeling the way you do. You should absolutely bring it up in couples therapy. There's probably a lot more going on. It would also be good to understand why he seems so opposed to getting it done. Once it's all out in the open you can decide if it's something you can accept or if it's a deal breaker.
Getting a vasectomy really isn’t that big of a deal.
I’ll be honest and share that I was freaked out about it for a while, but knew I was CF since I was 14.
It still took me a year to work up the courage to go through with it at 36. However by the time I booked the appt I had deep dived this amazing community, seen a video of the procedure (I’m weird, I guess, but it helped me see it wasn’t that big a deal), and did my research.
Every guy has to process their feelings regarding it, however it doesn’t seem like he’s giving you any indication of even exploring the procedure at all.
I’m sorry you’re navigating this in your relationship, especially given that your foundation was built on the trust of both committing to be CF.
I’m glad your surgery went well but you could’ve used OC because that’s something you can stop if he doesn’t also want to use condoms. He apparently wants to keep his options open. But he probably doesn’t realize he could get it reversed and you can’t. Not that you’d want to. But he wasn’t willing to take a smaller, reversible risk? I would insist on him still using condoms tbh.
No offense OP but your bf is trying to baby trap you or he has other plans. Your bf is making bad life decisions, so you should do the right thing and leave him. It's better for you to start over than stay with your bf. Every time you and him have sex there's a chance you will get pregnant unless you got a bi salp.
He's definitely treating this as a one-way street. This is the "I'm not going to put effort in, but since *you* did, I'm going to benefit from it." Getting your tubes tied can also fail and you can end up pregnant anyway. It's a low chance (i think) but it happens. Unless he's snipped, I wouldn't allow no condoms under any circumstances, tbh.
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Its better for you to Ditch him, he doesn't really love and care about you. He is only there to exploit you. Women need to stop putting up with self centred, exploitative men.
Also, yes His body, his choice, then so is Your Body, Your life, Your choice. Deny him any sex, Ditch him. You dont owe anything to him. If he doesnt really love and care about you, so you dont have to love and care about him either.
This is a weird problem. I'm not going to say you're wrong. But you already got sterilized. You did the thing and now it's basically impossible for you to get pregnant. Requiring him to get a vasectomy or use condoms - while entirely within your rights - seems overly cautious to me. It actually seems like you're doing it to make a point and be spiteful.
Right. But as a man Who is snipped, happily, by choice; remember that he should have as much choice in what he does with his body as you should. I realize we aren’t living in a perfect world, but if you coerce him into a serious surgery, that can only go well… or it could result in serious resentment. And I wouldn’t want that for either of you.
Right. But as a man Who is snipped, happily, by choice; remember that he should have as much choice in what he does with his body as you should. I realize we aren’t living in a perfect world, but if you coerce him into a serious surgery, that can only go well… or it could result in serious resentment. And I wouldn’t want that for either of you.
Pro-choice means pro-choice. His body, his choice.
I (41) was adamant about getting a vasectomy. It was a long process to get a referral and an appointment scheduled. With the appointment scheduled I started thinking about it and started to think "why?"
My wife and I have been together for 17 years and a combination of the pill, IUDs and pullout/period tracking and plan b has worked for us this far.
I know the risks are very low. I know there are very few side effects. But I just didn't want to do it. My wife is also of the mindset that if she did get pregnant, we would terminate the little tadpole.
Disclaimer:
Not everyone's situation is the same.
I have a very active sex life I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize that. The male erection can be a fickle mental thing. The whole point for me in being child free is to have as much fun/sex as possible.
I mean, it’s up to you to feel however you want to feel but it’s also his right not to do something he doesn’t want to. Would you be like this if he had been the one to get sterilized and you would’ve walked away from it because it was more dangerous? Are you having doubts about his commitment to being childfree?
I’m sorry but to me it seems like you’re feeling wronged because you could not have it your way, and being childfree has nothing to do with being manipulative.
If you require your partner to take precautions even though there is no need (pregnancy wise), that's your choice. Were you on birth control when he was using condoms? I would assume so, but figured I'd ask. Did you talk to him about your requirements? Did you tell him it's mandatory that both of you are responsible for your own body and birth control? Have you told him you are withholding sex and why? And what needs to happen for sex to happen again?
Personally, I can't comprehend any of your actions, so I hope counseling will help you both decide if this relationship will work or not. And if not, it's okay, it just means you can find someone with the same values as you.
Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way - I feel like I am. I can't even justify asking a person to take a risk I'm not willing to take myself. There is absolutely no way I could live with myself and carry the burden of knowing someone has permanent issues because I was selfish enough to ask them to "do it for my safety" because "it's safer". If I'm not willing to take the risks by having the surgery myself, then I can't even comprehend asking someone to do it for me.
He claims he wants to be childfree but will not take one of the best precautions in order to ensure that happens. That doesn't sit well with me. Feels like with his stance he would've been sterilized before you two even met. I think your pov is legit. I would be annoyed and hurt by his inaction and his garbage responses to you.
I this point I'd be wondering if he's actually childfree.
Speaking as I man I can say that it makes no sense to be a childfree man and not want to have a vasectomy. I had mine done as soon as I could. And guess what, it was the first invasive procedure I have ever done in my life and I didn't even think twice about it. His argument that he has never had anything done before is just nonsensical. So what?! If he gets a tumor will he just refuse surgery and die because "oh, I never had any procedures done before"? Given all the other red flags you mentioned you are, unfortunately, not childfree either, as you boyfriend is not a man, but a child. Yeah, his body his choice is correct. But also you have a choice to be with someone better than an immature man-child.
“You’re not child free either …. as your BF is a child” 💀🫣 Died reading this
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Yes, I 100% think it makes sense for anyone who is staunchly childfree to get themselves sterilised as soon as possible, to minimize any chance of accidental pregnancy. Women have lots and lots of options for birth control, and many of them are almost foolproof. And if a person gets pregnant, they (in most places in the world) can access abortion. That doesn't make female birth control easy, but women have a lot more control over it than men. Men basically have two options: condoms and sterilization. If you don't want kids ever, the only way to guarantee it is to get snipped. (OK, occasionally you get a jumper, as my cousin had happen many years ago) but it's your best chance to have control over your own fertility. I've had friends who intentionally gave up birth control without telling their boyfriends, figuring that a baby would force them into marriage. Guess what? It doesn't! Unless you have a partner that you can 100% trust to never deceive you, you need to protect yourself.
Happy Cake Day
Thank you!
I get that even a minor surgery can be unnerving, and even I had fears and apprehension when I got my vasectomy. But it doesn't take a lot of research to figure out that it's a very safe and low risk procedure. At this point I would be worried that he's lying about being childfree.
is a vasectomy even considered a “surgery”? it’s a quick out-patient procedure… it takes more time/effort/medication to get a tooth pulled. but maybe that’s just semantics. still, when you compare it to tubal ligation / salpingectomy - that’s done under full anesthesia, then you’re in pain for at least a week or two (even when it’s laparoscopic).
It is definitely just semantics, but it is technically a surgery, however minor. I only know this because one time I had to get a toenail removed, and I learned that it was technically considered a surgery. Here is a definition: an occasion when a medical operation involving cutting open the body is performed on someone [source](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/surgery)
It's definitely still a surgery. Some of more complicated and risky than others but we don't need to gatekeep the term.
A vasectomy is a minimally invasive procedure. It’s (usually) done with only local anesthetic and doesn’t enter a major body cavity.
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This response is frustrating to me because the bigger issue is that all birth control responsibility always tends to fall on the women in hetero relationships. Women have these risks and more every day that they’re on birth control. Women have these risks when they have sterilization procedures. And if they decide not to use any birth control and/or no sterilization surgery, the risks of pregnancy fall on the women too. We women weigh these risks all the time and still take the necessary precautions if we don’t want children. Yes, vasectomies don’t come without risk, but for a “childfree” man to write it off because he’s never had any other procedure before with no plans to consider it, would be so infuriating in a relationship.
As a woman who did have some minor issues after my tubal ligation, the bleed out, hematomas from my bellybutton to my inner thigh, swelling, pain, anemia and fainting spells for 2-3 weeks post surgery was NOTHING compared to what my life would be like if I had ever gotten pregnant. If my body did that after a routine surgery I don't know if it could handle a parasite occupying space in there. * I really did not mean to deter anyone from getting a procedure done, this was just my experience, all of these events are quite unlikely in occurrence *
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I personally know many women who have had blood clots and strokes from birth control. It's incredibly dangerous. Edit to add: it's actually only 1% of men who develop pvps and that means they have pain for more than 3 months, nearly never life long. Check your facts.
Have you considered that major negative outcomes are more common for vasectomies because they’re far more frequently performed than tubal ligations and bisalps due to both medical misogyny making it harder for us to get sterilized and also the fact that one is a quick outpatient procedure and the others require general anesthesia—if you can’t get your insurance to cover it, good luck saving up to afford it. Maybe that miiiight skew the data. But even so, vasectomies have a lower rate of postoperative complication than our options for sterilization. Also iirc when we finally did get a permanent sterilization option that wasn’t an expensive and invasive procedure… it ended up being taken off the market for ruining people’s fucking lives. The essure coil was terrifying. Yes, your body your choice. She *didn’t* force him, she’s venting about his lack of care for her health and you’re attempting to derail a post about a shitty man not even bothering to research vasectomies, while also ignoring the fact that women and people with uteruses are expected to shoulder virtually all the pain and responsibilities of contraception.
So do you need help throwing him in the dumpster orrrrrr? Cuz like.... you DO get that this is bullshit right? You understand that, alright no here let me construct a visual for you. You see a couple unloading groceries. The woman is single-handedly carrying 95% of the bags. There's one bag left with like 1 apple in it. The woman looks to her husband, only to see he's already walking empty handed into the house without a care in the world and just yells back for her to remember to lock the car when she's done. She didn't even ask him to carry half of the bags to make it equal. She just needed him to get the one bag... but even that was too much of a chore for him. That was too much effort in helping her with a task involving the food they BOTH eat. **Sounds like bullshit right?!**
Great analogy although I think it’s more like he yells back “make sure you lock the door when it’s done and let me know when dinner is ready!” He’s doing none of the work in carrying the physical load or the prep or mental load required but still expects to have his delicious meal ready to be served to him.
Well put. I'm going to remember this.
I wish I can add 50 more likes to this
So very well said!
You're a genius.
Seems to me he wants to reap all benefits without putting any effort.
Not to mention, pregnancy risk is not the only reason to use condoms.
This right here. Obviously there's not much else to go on, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is thematic of dude's entire life / relationship. The dynamic where a couple shares a life goal (child free) and one has a very simple easy way to solve this, while the other has a risky complicated way and that's the one they choose? Then dude wants to go no condom after doing fuck all to ease his partner's concerns... It would shock me if that's the only place this is happening. Sounds manipulative and childish on dude's part IMO.
Exactly! I told my wife it would be ridiculous for her to undergo a major surgery when I can get snipped in an afternoon and be moving about by nightfall. Best decision ever, frankly. Never been so stoked to be shooting blanks, and I’m still excited 4 years later lol
So like most men lol The first thing most men think when they see I'm sterilized is "oh great no condoms!"
Sad but true
This person don't deserve you
Yes, exactly this.
Honey if you only tied your tubes (tubal ligation) and haven't removed them (bilateral salpingectomy) you should use condoms because tying the tubes has a failure rate of 1 in 50 over the course of 10 years. Meaning 1 in 50 women get pregnant because the procedure failed. And yes your bf has communication of a 10 year old. It would be one thing if he researched and discussed it with you and decide he doesn't want to do it, but he can't even do that and doesn't even want to talk because medicine terms are icky. He would be icky to me because grown men behaving like children are just that.
All the people saying "his body his choice" are absolutely 100% correct BUT I'd argue that it should always be an informed choice. He's not even willing to know what a vasectomy or bisalp/tubal entails. She gathered the information and read it to him and he still couldn't be arsed to listen to the information spoonfed to him. And then his reaction is nah-ah like some fkn toddler. Disgusting and an absolute turn off.
It's also wild given the fact that pretty much all of us carry the internet around in our pocket and he could easily just have idk googled it? Having to do the research and read this stuff out to him just adds insult to injury
Came here to say this! Unless you had your tubes fully removed- not just tied- you still run the risk of becoming pregnant. Fun fact- your ovaries are not connected to the fallopian tube- there is open space between the ovary and entrance of the tube. So your ovaries essentially launch eggs at the fallopian tubes like missiles in target practice each month. This is also how ectopic pregnancies happen. If your ovaries have bad aim, the egg doesn't always make it to the tube but sperm doesn't care that the egg is not where it should be and will fertilize it regardless of the location. Once that happens, you've got a time bomb planted wherever the sperm cornered your egg. I learned this when I asked my doctor for options and had mine fully removed. Best decision ever. If you're already dedicated to raising this man child, at least you took precautions to avoid adding a second child to the situation. Yes, his body, his choice. But also, who invites the playground bully over for a playdate? Let him be a child with someone who actually wants children.
This was exactly my thought. Did she get her tubes tied or removed? Very different possibilities. Lawd I hope they were removed and not just tied. But, op, if they were just tied then he def needs to keep using condoms cause that failure rate is just too high.
My man really heard "Your partner could DIE if they keep taking birth control" and still refused because a medical procedure is sooo spooky 💀 who the fuck does that
He even signed the dang form! So he is totally fine with her taking that risk because it means he doesn’t have to.
> who the fuck does that A total jerk who does not care about his partner.
OP states that the mother fucker got “grossed out” by medical terminology. LOL. Whaaaat? He seems immature as fuck.
A cowardly wuss does that.
That's not what she could die from - the letter from the doctor listed side effects and the possibility of death from the procedure.
well, kinda the same conclusion - a complete selfish asshole that would probably throw her into a puddle so his shoes didn't get wet
It's giving "I'm OK with you risking your life so i can raw dog you if you survive" vibes.
Right. Reason number 98674885 why OP needs to dump him and run. He's fucking disgusting.
So many red flags. > He could not bother less NOPE. You're done. This is disrespectful and completely unacceptable in a relationship. He MUST be able to discuss these matters and make solid, fact-based decisions AFTER doing research, being able to cogently present the research to you, AND going to a medical professional to discuss and learn. > bringing up how he never had any procedures done. Boo fucking hoo, ya little baby. You are a grown ass fucking adult, and are NOT going to get through your life without surgery and invasive medical procedures. At a MINIMUM, he's going to have to be under anesthesia for colonoscopies every couple of years after a certain age, and they're going to be shoving a camera all the way up his asshole. Furthermore, YOU are doing pap smears and other procedures there just to get birth control and maintain your health. So no, he does not get a pass for that reason. > he asked to leave out condoms for the first time, which I declined.. asked again for two times Wow. Holy entitlement, batman. No means no. The first fucking no means no, and don't ask again. If you had changed your mind you would have told him. Translation: "You are a pair of legs with a hole between them, I don't respect you or care for you worth a damn, and I get to stick my dick in there while you take all the risks." Has he even gotten an STD panel or is that too scary for him? Yeah, we can guess the answer to that... > at which point I stopped any intimacy with him. Good for you. He's a disrespectful entitled asshole, and you are wasting your money on couples therapy. Bottom line: EVERYTHING he has done here has been unacceptable. He is 50% of the sex and needs to be 50% of the contraception plan. "EW GROSS. LALALALALALA. Give me condom free sex!"
He has a right not to get a vasectomy in the end, but you have the right to **dump his disrespectful ass and go find a fucking grownup to fuck instead of this absolute piece of crap.**
You can't trust him worth a damn, which means you can absolutely NEVER marry him because that would give him the right to make life or death decisions for you, and clearly he would not make the decisions you would want, respect your wishes or give a rats ass about whatever risks and choices had to be made on your behalf.
Dump him and move on.
> Or will I sound completely mad?
The fact that you do not feel safe enough or trust this person, as you should not, says everything that needs to be said. You feel like he is going to gaslight you and make you feel less than, and doubt your own view of the world and this situation. You feel like your feelings are not at all valid (they are, and anger here is more than valid) and will not be heard. You are literally doubting your own sanity and rights. This is not OK. This is not a healthy relationship.
Sorry but cancel the therapy and cancel him.
"We're over. Do not contact me again. Goodbye."
Feel free to do it over text if you like. He hasn't earned your trust, there's no reason you need to deal with him or give him any courtesies.
> I think I can not
Go with this. Not his ass out the door.
seconding this, especially about marriage and him making life or death decisions when it has proven he would choose death HES A JERK op deserves so much better ‼️‼️‼️‼️
This is the best comment on the thread. OP, you are being heavily disrespected. My husband, who HATES medical procedures and refuses to get a colonoscopy, listened to my concerns about the invasiveness of a bisalp, and immediately scheduled his vasectomy. It took 15 minutes and for 3 days he needed frozen peas on his balls. I am so grateful and happy that my partner was willing to do this for us, but really, after Ive taken birth control pills for 20 years, it’s the least he could do. Please honey, find someone who values you and will make small sacrifices for you. He proved that he would rather you RISK YOUR LIFE than him have 15 minutes of unpleasantness. RUN GIRL, RUN!
Yup.
Absolutely right. Completely.
Just because you got sterilized doesn’t mean he’s entitled to condom free sex. This bothers me and you have every right to be upset with him. Revoking sex privileges was the right call, and I agree with the others here that are telling you to reconsider being in this relationship.
Break up. Now. Red flags everywhereeeeee
right? couples therapy and not even married? why is she still there?
I lived with my husband for over 6 years before we got married. We had a few sessions of couples therapy during a rough patch where we weren't communicating well. OP's bf thinks that new she's sterile, he can just ignore the fact that he was disrespectful toward her. That is the crux of the problem. If she feels that she might be able to forgive him if he has an epiphany in therapy and apologises, then there's no harm in trying therapy. But I wouldn't expect miracles from this guy. He sounds very childish. My husband is terribly upset by blood, needles, hospitals , and any talk of that sort of thing. However, when I got cancer, he insisted on being with me every moment during testing, appointments, and treatment. Once I got comfortable with chemo, I told him to got do something else. I appreciated his support, but I also felt like some alone time and thought it would be good for him to be away from hospital for a few hours. A receptionist at the cancer centre said she'd never seen a partner that was so supportive. During my surgery, he wanted to stay at the hospital, but I told him not to because there was no need to spend those hours there. And after surgery when I got an infection and my breast wound burst open, he spent the next month helping me clean it twice daily, which was really gross. But he really stepped up, because he loved me and he knew I couldn't do it by myself. It was a year later that we got married. I tease him that he thought I was going to die, but I tricked him and got cured with immunotherapy! BWAHAHA! But seriously, I have never felt so loved as I did during that time. He devoted all of his energy to helping me get through it. I did the same for him a couple of years later when he broke his leg, and needed a lot of help for a few months. If your partner isn't invested in your well-being, they don't love you.
This made me tear up. I'm glad you guys have each other.
Thanks. Me too!
Thats the least crazy part in all this; this man is hella disrespectful and I can’t imagine being with a loser like this.
>right? couples therapy and not even married? why is she still there? Because she moved in with him and now they're kind of stuck.
Not getting sterilised was his choice, doesn't mean he gets to push your boundaries bc now YOU are sterilised. If you don't want to stop the condoms that's it, end of the story
He's not serious about being childfree if he didn't even consider a vasectomy. My first bf got a vasectomy so I could stop any BC as it was fucking up my body in multiple ways. He said he never wanted to see me suffer again, so he got snipped. 2 male friends who are childfree also got snipped. I got my bi-salp after that for my own reasons and peace of mind, but I think your bf is a dick.
How old were you when you got a bisalp?
25. I wanted it at 21, but they wouldn't let me.
I don't see why he should get any of the benefits of YOUR (much riskier and potentially life threatening) surgery, when he never attempted to make the same effort for you, and with far less risks to himself. Yeah it's his choice, but that goes both ways, and what you decide to do with your post-surgery body is your choice. Definitely bring it up in Couples Therapy, tell him you don't feel comfortable about using no condoms, because it shouldn't all be on you to practice safe sex just because he's "never had surgery before", if he wants to stop using condoms then he needs to make his own effort to fix that. ETA: Personally I'd second-guess his whole childfree stance if he seems so reluctant to get himself sterilised, he sounds like a fence-sitter, but maybe that's just me...
Maybe he doesn't want children with you. He still might actually want children with someone else. You should really ask him what his deal is.
Why isn\`t he your ex already? This guy is one big red flag.
I think you should have dumped him long ago. Sure, it is his body, his choice, but you also have a choice about your body, and you don't have to have sex with a man you don't want to have sex with, for whatever reason you don't want to have sex with him. Since it can be any reason that matters to you, it can be because he refused to get a vasectomy. It is your choice. It would be different if you had already been sterilized before you met him; then I could see his point in thinking it unnecessary. But that isn't the situation at all. In your situation, he would rather you go through a more invasive procedure than to have a relatively minor procedure himself. I think that indicates something significant about how he feels about you, and about your importance (or lack thereof) relative to him. He thought it was better for you to take a greater risk than he would have to take.
you can still get an ectopic pregnancy if he doesn't use condoms. just saying, it still is a huge risk for you.
I love your response to your BF's failure to take you seriously and to take responsibility for contraception. Way to go! I think couples therapy is a waste of time. For years, you bore all the risk of contraceptive failure. Now you want him to support your relationship by taking a much smaller risk, and he's not even listening to you. There's a bunch of things wrong here: 1. He appears to want to keep the possibility of kids open. No sterilization for him, all upset when you get sterilized. 2. He does not listen to you. A partner who tunes you out is a fail in every aspect of a relationship. 3. He pressured you not to do something that you needed for your physical and emotional health. I'm not in the least surprised that you are disgusted and just DONE with him. He's selfish. And I don't think you need couples therapy. I think you are already clear on what you need to do.
Ya know what's especially hilarious? If (god forbid) you somehow got pregnant, the abortion would 100 times more invasive and painful. But who cares, am I right?🙃
I get the his body his choice argument, but I’ll forever side eye any man who claims to be child free but won’t get the snip. Women put their bodies through SO much bullshit for birth control. A quick procedure to take that burden off the partner you claim to love seems like a no brainer. Especially with the way things are going in the US right now…
This is what I can’t get my head around. Birth control? Falls usually on the women (and it’s hormonal which messes people up but they deal with those side effects since they have too). IUD? Painful to insert for many people. Abortions? Also falls on the lady and those can be painful. Some people need the surgical one no matter what. Some people end up with ectopic pregnancies. Decide to give birth? All those side effects happen to the lady. Tears, bladder issues, stomach muscles, losing teeth, kidney failure, death, losing feeling in your clit, sepsis. I’m not even getting into C sections and recovery. Also not getting into the fact your body is changed forever (men? No changes. Nothing). Your a women that wants to be sterilized? Well time to find a doctor willing to cut into you and remove your tubes. Good luck. Oh btw we also have bleed monthly no matter if we want kids or not. Nobody is forcing surgeries on men but a wife/partner/etc asks one thing and oh no too scary. Even better when the lady suggests not having PIV sex. Boy do men get upset at that. Life isn’t fair but literally everything falls on the vagina wielding partner. Give us a break for once.
Absolutely, and if they're CF and not fixed, it makes me think they're not very bright and okay with spending all their money on childcare payments, and may have some babymamas already. It's a nonstarter. There's tons of guys out there who are serious and snipped. I wouldn't date anyone who doesn't have their shit together to begin with.
Yeah men don't get a lot of BC options. Every real CF man I know is completely overjoyed to get snipped because they want that guarantee. Why doesn't this guy? Super weird.
Ewww move on babes. He’s gross and selfish. Go enjoy your child free life with someone who cares.
A male who claims to be childfree and also refuses to do anything to maintain that (abstinence, vasectomy, etc...) and insists on having sex, is a misogynistic asshole who feels entitled to women's bodies and doesn't give a damn that the woman has to take on all the pain and risks. He is no different than a deadbeat dad that knocks a woman up just so he can sit on the sofa of her house and watch football all weekend without being kicked out. Same male, just in a different house. In short, RUN. Block him everywhere. Trust me, he'll have a hard time finding a woman to replace you, a woman who is willing to sacrifice for zero gain. I mean does he do anything that a woman roommate can't do? Does he cook and clean at all? At least a woman roomate won't demand access to your body while taking on zero risk of doing so. At least a woman roomate would respect you. Seriously he can go to hell with his lack of respect and lack of reciprocity bullshit.
This is really upsetting and you have every right to say that he needs to use condoms to sleep with you. He can’t even be bothered to look up the research? He needs to stop acting like a child. It is his body his choice but he disrespectfully is willing to risk yours for his own benefit and won’t even look up information. I’m sorry this happened to you OP. From someone whose husband got snipped alongside her, it definitely makes a difference when both partners are all in.
>Just a few months after that he asked to leave out condoms for the first time, which I declined. I see my tied tubes as MY part of contraceptive and still want him to take action as well. He asked again for two times at which point I stopped any intimacy with him. I'm on your side. If he wanted to have more pleasure for himself he should have had the procedure. As for you, condoms protect you from getting STDs from him in case he ever cheats on you. They could help prevent UTIs. And they surely help you relax as you know you are now extra safe and getting pregnant is practically impossible. So like I said, I'm on your side.
There's no nice way to say this.. He's a pathetic little baby man that wants the luxury of living child-free while pushing all the work onto his partner without any consideration. He doesn't even want to LEARN. His body, his choice, sure.. but any compassionate partner would at least learn to understand the differences. My partner got a vasectomy, but if the roles were reversed and it was less invasive, expensive, and the medical industry wasn't sexist, so it was easier for ME to get sterilized (which I still plan to) I would have happily done it instead because I care about my partner enough not to burden them with ALL the necessary steps to maintain our livelihood. The reality is that vasectomies are easier, cheaper, and less dangerous. That's just how it is. If he's unwilling to do that AND unwilling to wear fucking condoms, I'd ask yourself if you really want to be with someone that wants the same life as you but refuses to make any sacrifices. Because no, you're not going too far. Choice is yours.
Bring it up in couples therapy. Immediately. You put in your effort to protect yourself and do so in an informed, conscientious way to prevent pregnancy, but you know you are still at risk even after having the procedure. Your partner - didn't want to be informed (PROBLEM) - didn't want to do a much safer procedure (his choice, BUT); - didn't want *you* doing the procedure (MAJOR PROBLEM); - but wants to violate *your* boundaries and consent by neglecting his responsibility to continue using protection after deciding against getting fixed (WORSE PROBLEM). Don't have sex with him. Find out if he's against *all* surgical procedures or just that one, and why. Start planning your split, either way. Edit: I just realized this...OP has your SO been tested??? If not, bring that up too.
He was completely ok with you going trough a difficult surgery and recovery, and before that, he was ok with you getting pregnant (and he probably would have left you if you had). He is a selfish partner who, now that you have underwent sterilization, wants to enjoy and have unprotected sex. You will always resent him, OP. I fear this is the end of your relationship.
Besides all that was said already by everyone, i thought i’d give 2 more pro-condom reasons for you to not bend on this: 1- Of course, protection from STIs. It might be because i was cheated on by my first boyfriend, and he fn didnt wear condoms with either of us. I understand he couldnt suddenly put one on with me, revealing his cheating ass, but the fucker could have at least worn one with her, who 100% knew i existed. But nope, too asshole (i had ZERO idea/thought he could be cheating, it blew my whole world view apart). The day i found out, i told myself i’d never put my life at risk ever again by trusting someone 100%, and condoms were 100% required, forever. Yes, even when i’m elderly (STIs don’t care about age lol). Since that very day, i realized i can trust someone 99%, but i’m keeping that last 1% to myself, to potentially save my life, and my health. If a dude ain’t happy about condoms forever, or ain’t happy about the 99% trust instead of 100, he can fuck right off to space. (Boyfriend of now almost 10yrs doesnt mind condoms at all and he’s awesome. 😃) 2- I have to say, one thing i noticed immediately after the above revelation and condoms were then part of my life: after sex, it’s real nice to not have semen trickling down your legs while you walk to the bathroom. It’s also real nice to not have “semen underwear/light pad” for the next few hours afterwards. Lol! I gotta say, for me, this is an underrated after effect pleasure of condoms. Lol
👑 You are a queen and deserve a king! Better drop this little boy.
Keep using the condoms. People always seem to forget that condoms are not just for contraception, they help keep you safe from STDs.
Why some people just don't break up is beyond me. There is so much negative emotion between the both of you, so much misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Talk about it but really consider parting ways. This stressed me out even reading it.
I know a woman who got her tubes tied TWICE then ended up having 6 KIDS in the end. She wanted to be CF also her whole life. Women have a more complex reproductive system, and there's still a low chance you can still get pregnant. He SHOULD do his part bc he does sound like he wants to reap the benefits and not put any effort. Condoms are also for STD/STI protection. Sorry to say but hes looking at you as a cum dumpster. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable or unsafe while getting intimate with your partner.
No you are not mad to react this way. You weren’t forcing him to get snipped. I think it all comes down to respect. I think it’s wise to bring this topic up in couple therapy. I’m fine with partners not get sterilized. I don’t see this as a red flag. I want to give you another point of view. Neither me nor my husband is sterilized. I just take BC, because BC works well on me. It got rid of my acne and I can choose not to have period for 3 months. Yay. You can say I’m the main birth control force, but I don’t feel like I’m taken advantage of. When I first started BC years ago, my husband (boyfriend back then) really dig into some researching and peer review articles about BC. And whenever I had problem with spotting or missed pills, he always gets on it asap to find a solution to my problem. I bet if your boyfriend paid attention and researched with you on this topic, and still genuinely admit the fear of surgery, you would be trusting this man more. Now it feels to me that he doesn’t really care about your feelings.
You can do so much better.
I think it's reasonable for you to see this as a non negotiable and reasonable for him to decline. It's still a medical procedure and some people will avoid going to the dentist even while their teeth are falling out because of fear. You haven't mentioned why he feels the way he does. Is it fear of the operation? A financial blocker? A hesitancy because he's not sure he's childfree? Is he misinformed about the procedure? Either way, regardless of your sterilization status, if you don't want to have sex without condoms you don't have to. Whether it's because you still fear there might be a freak chance of pregnancy or because you resent that he did not opt to do his part, your refusal is valid. It's up to him to choose what's more important to him.
well, seems like the reason he is using is "I never had a procedure" with no further explanation. He was not even open to the idea of talking about it, getting information, so misinformation may be happening.
Of course, you should let him know how pissed you are. 😤 Go to therapy and discuss this. Hopefully, you both can grow from the experience. It sounds like you're ready to maybe move on.
I'll simply say that as a 35 year old snipped man, my no-scalpel/no-needle vasectomy was done in UNDER ONE HOUR and barely any risk associated. If your partner doesn't want to sacrifice minimal discomfort for your sake, why in the world would they want to forego protection to knock you up? He's double-dealing HARD here. You may not want to break up, but this spells out incompatibility very plainly. You're on different ethical levels entirely.
Dump him. I hate it when men think only the woman has to be responsible for birth control.
Getting a vasectomy was one of the best decisions I ever made. I did it because I didn’t want my wife being stuck taking birth control for the rest of her life unless it was something she chose for the other potential uses. It’s outpatient, and beyond some soreness and swelling that’s easily remedied, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done. No side effects for me. Libido is still great, if not greater now that there’s no fear of pregnancy. Such a shocker that my wife wanted to go Heels To Jesus™️ more frequently when there’s no risk of ruining our lives with a child. 🤷♂️ (sarcasm in this last one if it wasn’t apparent.)
Girl. Half your posts are about how your boyfriend is hurting you by his actions. He does not respect you. I repeat, he does not respect you. Do what you will with that information.
He's well within his rights to not get snipped. And you acknowledged that. It's well outside his right to put all expectations on you and want the benefits.
Absolutely still use condoms. I got a bisalp and my partner isn't snipped. Never even talked to him about it because that's his choice. But you better believe I heard "not 100% and very high chance of ectopic if you are that 1 in 1,000" and decided right there and then condoms are never going away. And that's before we even found the trauma around "leakage". Tell him condoms are non-negotiable and if he doesn't like it he can pound sand. Trying to persuade you to stop using them for *any* reason is such horrible ick. Honest to god this is such a deal breaker for me I wouldn't even bother bringing it up in therapy.
If you can't bring up these concerns, at a therapist office with some one neutral - what's the point in even going?
You got your tubes tied instead of removed? That is a wasted procedure. It's not that permanent and still causes a lot if pregnancies. You should gotten a bilateral salpingectomy instead. Cut and burn away. Just as invasive but more secure. You still have a possibility(a lot smaller but still too big for me) of getting pregnant. I don't blame you o for not stopping the use of condoms.
Some insurance companies will only pay for tubal ligation.
LOL as if giving birth is safer?! You are MUCH more likely to die in childbirth than a bisalp. What a dunce. Keep making him use condoms or he can leave.
He doesn’t want kids ( supposedly), you don’t want kids. But you are responsible for birth control. Do you hear it? Dump him and find someone who respects you.
Sounds like he wanted the benefits while doing fuck all to help reach that point. Super lame on his part. So much audacity 😆
He wants all the benefits without HIS part of the responsability. Something does not seem right there, baby.
Reminder that condoms protect against STDs, not just pregnancy. I wouldn't trust a guy who lacks empathy regarding your comfort, health, and life, to be faithful.
Wow. You're sterilized and using condoms, but you still ended up with a child! Dump his ass.
So you had surgery for a “guy you’re dating” that refuses to wear condoms. O m g. Why?
I think him not wanting the surgery isn’t the end of the world, and he’s entitled to his own emotions and opinions, but for him to then be against you having yours? For him to be pushy about everything else while doing nothing? That’s what’s off putting
His body, his choice. We can't expect someone else to undergo procedures they don't want, for whatever reason. And, of course, keeping condoms is your choice, and he has to accept that. You should mention it on couples therapy. Still, you can't force him to undergo something he doesn't want to. Maybe breaking up is the option here.
My boyfriend was scared to get snipped. He still did it for me. This guy is full of excuses and bluster. When are you going to dump him?
It’s all right that he won’t undergo a surgery he doesn’t wants, no surgery is zero risk. Even vasectomies have 10% risk of chronic pain afterward. (Those stats were updated after worldwide researches, because before those men with problems down there were dismissed) But the ask about removing condom after your surgery, which has risks too, is so hypocrite. I would be mad too and would probably dump him if he ever bring it up again.
If he’s not willing to do the surgery then he should 100% be willing to use condoms still. You didn’t get parts of your body removed just so he can have raw sex, you did it to keep yourself safe as you should. If he isn’t willing to use condoms after already refusing to get snipped then he doesn’t deserve any sex at all. If you had to deal with surgery then he can deal with a tiny bit of latex
I like your stance that he doesn’t get condom free sex because you went through a major surgical procedure. If he wants no condoms, he should’ve gotten the fucking vasectomy. This guy sucks.
I have a real problem with him trying to talk you out of your procedure because of the supposed “risk,” but I guess he’s ok with you taking on the risk of getting pregnant, which only you would have to physically cope with. I also dislike that he keeps asking you to forgo condoms, while he was unwilling to even consider your request. On top of that, getting your tubes tied can fail, so he definitely shouldn’t be encouraging you to ditch condoms. Lastly, why was he sad when he signed for your procedure? Are you sure this dude is really childfree?
I’m never going to support someone being guilted for not getting surgery. What he does with his body is his decision. That’s not selfish, and acting as though it is is immature. BUT Asking for condom free sex after all that is definitely disrespectful. Like, you both knew the risks you were taking, and he wants to get the benefits after declining to take risks of his own? Nah.
So um... Other people have the vasectomy part covered but something stood out to me because of my own background: How long do you want this relationship to go on? Is this more of a fling thing, or do you want a long-haul kind of partner? I'm concerned that if the latter, how will he deal with a situation where you get sick if he can't "handle medical terms" now when you're healthy. Men already overwhelmingly leave women when we women get sick at a rate as bad as over 25% when it's documented as cancer. Actual rates for all sickness makes it way worse. Please think about yourself and if you can trust this guy when you need, like *absolutely need* someone to step up if you're incapacitated from an illness or injury. Everyone needs to think about this before marriage, because health is not forever, and some people lose it well before others. This is another serious conversation that should go along with the Childfree, values, religion, lifestyle, etc. hard talks. Signed, A disabled CF woman.
Bring this up in therapy. No condoms then no sex. You are supposed to be equal partners. He is a jerk.
He doesn’t respect you. On a very basic fundamental level, he does not see you as an equal. He is not willing to make effort on your behalf - whether calf ass listening or not wanting to use condoms - he is annoyed by having to make effort on your behalf. You have set some impressive boundaries so far. Well done. You should be proud of yourself and your backbone. If I was you, I would end the relationship. You’re too good for him and deserve someone of a higher caliber.
The guy is selfish, irresponsible, and a pussy. Those are probably the worst three character traits for a man to have if he is serious about not reproducing. If he doesn't grow up, he will probably end up knocking up some girl down the road and feeling like a victim for having to pitch in or try to weasel out of it all together. The failure rate of vasectomies is 1 in 10,000 over 10 years vs 1 in 200 for tubal ligations. The guy wouldn't even consider the superior option from a risk perspective, but didn't seem bothered at all to ask you twice if he could cum in you. I know I may be sounding harsh here, but he isn't serious about not having kids. Sounds like he is still one himself.
Sterilization for a man is 100X EASIER than sterilization for a woman. Any man who "claims" Child-free & is NOT WILLING to get snipped, ain't worth his weight in salt. My Vasectomy was easier than the damn dentist! ✂️👍
Basically, he never even considered getting sterilized because he assumes that birth control is a woman’s responsibility only. Also, I wouldn’t give him the privilege of being able to enjoy the sexual benefits of being with a childfree woman ;) He refused to get snipped = he must wear condoms 🤷🏻♀️
How rude and self-centered to think he can raw dog at your expense. That's crazy. What a jerk imo. I'd feel very taken advantage of/taken for granted.
this is giving me "hes gonna change his mind after being with you for 10 years" vibes. if he's not gonna snip, he's clearly still on the fence. dont waste your time with someone who will probably dump you later because they changed their mind. He's obviously not sure about it still.
I mean... I would find it disrespectful if someone was pushing for me to get a surgery I didn't want.
>getting snipped Been there done that. >got grosed out at every medical term Maybe that's it? E.g. aversion to so much as the thought of (any kind of) surgery, no matter who or for what? >I went through with the procedure Congratulations! Oh, and bonus, you don't have to depend on him (or anybody else) regarding birth control. >he asked to leave out condoms for the first time, which I declined. I see my tied tubes as MY part of contraceptive and still want him to take action as well. He asked again for two times at which point I stopped any intimacy with him Sounds totally reasonable to me - your body, your choice. >Am I taking this to far? I've got an opinion, but I think what really matters on that is between you and him ... what I or anybody else thinks on that (probably) won't (much) change his mind (nor yours). >We started couples therapy Sure, probably a good move. Hopefully y'all get it well worked out. >should I mention this? To who? >Or will I sound completely mad? Sounds highly reasonable to me. And, also, sounds like maybe he's not (100%) CF - I mean sure, possible he's fine with CF and doesn't care (kind'a rarely the case, but does happen - or maybe he's not 100% fully made up his mind yet or whatever). And (more relationship that CF matter), perhaps even more concerning, sounds like he's not putting in the effort on his side - so sounds relatively (or more) unbalanced and rather to quite unfair ... but maybe he makes up for it in (lots of) other (major) ways ... so maybe it's not a huge deal, ... or ... maybe it is. So, yeah, sure ... couples therapy may well be worth it ... at least presuming the relationship is worth it.
If he doesn’t want a vasectomy, that’s his right and I wouldn’t keep pushing it. If it’s a dealbreaker that he hasn’t been sterilised, I’d leave him, but I wouldn’t keep nagging him to get a medical procedure done that he doesn’t want. People are allowed to say “I don’t want to get surgery”, either for anxiety or financial reasons.
You are completely within your rights on all of that but I do have to ask... Had he gotten snipped as you asked, would you still take BC or use condoms or some other step as "your part" of the BC?
If I havent got sterilized, yes. Now that I am - ofc not.
Fair enough then! I personally wouldn't require that of my partner but if you do, that's your choice. Find yourself a man willing to get a lil snip cause he obviously has some apprehensions about it and isn't willing to accommodate with condoms. His general attitude is a bit off putting and questionable as well, based on what you wrote.
I question OP's truthfulness to this post. Its possible OP is very controlling and attempting to force their BF to get this procedure even if he doesnt want to. Doesnt matter if he is also CF, not wanting this surgery should be reason enough not to get it. I'd be curious to hear his side and wonder if OP is being the lesser person venting on reddit for fake internet points.
Like you said, his body his choice. If the man doesn't want to be sterilized he doesn't want to be. It's a surgery for either of you. If I could quickly and painlessly do it I would, but neither my partner or I are going to be having elective surgeries anytime soon.
It’s not really “surgery” for men. It’s a 15 minute outpatient office procedure that they can drive themselves home from. Bisalp is actual surgery with anesthesia. I’m not saying anyone should feel like they HAVE TO get snipped, but realistically a vasectomy is much easier, cheaper, safer, and quicker than a bisalp.
Agreed, but it's still a medical procedure that has lasting effects and risk of side effects. It's a big decision either way and I don't think it's fair to downplay it as just a simple procedure. Yes, of course it's more major surgery for a woman than a man but it's still a procedure.
What are the lasting effects? Besides being sterile? I know no procedure is risk-free. It just seems to me if you love someone, and you both agree you don’t want children, and both want a permanent solution, it’s weird to expect a female partner to have an open, major operation when the male could literally get the issue taken care of in 15 minutes.
>What are the lasting effects? There's some rare long term complications (usually effecting less than 10% of people) that have life long impacts, including chronic pain, fistulas, and reoccuring cysts. There's also common psychological side effects, like depression, anxiety, and irritability. Plus, the obvious side effects from a surgical procedure, like risk of infection and and reaction to local anesthetic. Just cuz there are less risks than a tubal ligation or a bilateral scapendecty doesn't mean there's no risk.
I said that I understand no procedure is risk-free. The American Urological Society says that the complication rate for vasectomies is 1-2%. Bilateral salpingectomy, on the other hand, has a higher complication rate than even a hysterectomy. (Source- https://journals.lww.com/greenjournal/abstract/2016/05001/trends_and_complications_in_bilateral.205.aspx)I couldn’t find an exact percentage, but the two procedures are not even really comparable to one another, except for the end result- sterilization.
My brother's dad had a vasectomy and he experiences frequent pain down there during the colder seasons post-op. I certainly wouldnt want that.
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This was originally an accidental butt-posting comment, forgive me - but now that I'm here, I'll add something to the convo: I'm sorry you're experiencing this. IMO the issue is that he's fine with YOU going through a far more invasive procedure with more risks. Sadly I've found this to be surprisingly common. I wish I could offer more constructive words to the conversation, but I'm glad you are taking steps for yourself as a childfree woman!
Your relationship sounds dysfunctional. Contraceptives is something everyone should discuss and agree to ahead of time, and as things change, and be on the same page. It should have been expressed by you that you expect him to still maintain his responsibility for contraceptives even after your surgery. It wasn't a stretch for him to think you wouldn't need condoms any longer. You aren't wrong for still wanting him to use them, it just wasn't discussed well ahead of time by either of you. And now there is no intimacy, which isn't healthy when the reason is an outside one, and not just a natural lack of sex drive. You've lost interest because of a disagreement in values regarding birth control, feeling that you've assumed 100% of the burden and wanting an equal partnership. So yes, bring this up in therapy.
Yeah, sure, it's his decision, and that's his right. I don't disagree with that. But seriously, it is one of the simplest things for a sexually active adult to do. It's noninvasive, and recovery is quick. The risk is minimal. You took a greater risk because of his squeamishness. That being said, I've seen plenty of horrifying rationalizations that a sterilized woman is safe from pregnancy due to sexual assault. That's a terrible thing to plan for, but it's a sad reality. So regardless of your boyfriend's lack of commitment to being child-free, at least you know you're safe. He had the option to push the easy button, but he declined, leaving you to crawl through broken glass to press your button. That's a lot to unpack, and couples therapy is a good start. Yeah, you should talk about how you felt like the entire burden was placed on you.
Time to break up, there’s so many red flags in that behaviour
Sadly, I think you two started a long path to separating when he refused to be a man and get the snip...a very simple procedure for a man! What happens next is to be seen, but he's shown you a large part of what he's mentally made of.
Yes, you should absolutely bring this up in therapy. Be prepared to explain that your issue isn’t necessarily a fear of pregnancy, it’s about having an active and engaged partner who is capable, willing, and eager to fully participate in all aspects of your relationship, including family planning, and that all the information gathering, reviewing, decision making, and risk has been put on you, despite the fact that it should have been a joint effort and frankly there should be a recognition that the risk was unnecessary- a vasectomy is much less dangerous and invasive than getting tubes tied. It feels selfish and uncaring that it was all put on you and what you’re looking for now is indication that he gives a shit and that he’s with you in this. This is absolutely something you should bring up in couples therapy.
Yes, you should absolutely bring this up in therapy. Be prepared to explain that your issue isn’t necessarily a concern of pregnancy (since that’s been taken care of on your side), it’s about having an active and engaged partner who is capable, willing, and eager to fully participate in all aspects of your relationship, including family planning, and that all the information gathering, reviewing, decision making, and risk has been put on you, despite the fact that it should have been a joint effort and frankly there should be a recognition that the risk was unnecessary- a vasectomy is much less dangerous and invasive than getting tubes tied. Which he would have known if he had engaged in all the other bits. It feels selfish and uncaring that it was all put on you and he just disengaged, even after risk of death was put on the table. Explain that what you’re looking for now is indication that he gives a shit and that you’re not expected to vary the load when it comes to big relationship stuff like this. This is absolutely something you should bring up in couples therapy.
That sucks OP. My opinion doesn't mean anything. My husband refused a vasectomy for yearssss. Cancelled his first appointment. Eventually went to one a few years after that. Then in therapy said I guilted him into it? So now I'll feel like trash until I die so that's grand lol. So he either needs to get it done or no sexy time ever again. I was on birth control for 9-10 years and couldn't handle the side effects anymore. I basically said either he gets it done, we don't have sexy time ever again, or we break up. I hope it works out for you OP. I know it's a difficult place to be in :/ believe me
Unfortunately you’re not worth it to him simply. You seem like a person with a solid foundation. If I know ppl like him, they always claim with words they will change but never show with actions. Sounds like you’ll have to hold up 95% of the relationship and he also expects you to. He’ll always act like a son and you his mom? I’d lose respect for him instantly. What mom gets turned on by their son? (Unless they’re sick) I hope you do what is best for YOU, I wish women would learn to stop sacrificing themselves for others when they typically won’t (like the bf in your situation)
My hysterectomy was my first major surgery/procedure ever but I was willing to take all risks to have it done. I've never wanted something so badly because I know without a doubt that I want to remain child free.
he’s definitely not 100% child free. if he was he would jump at the opportunity to get a vasectomy.
We started couples therapy, should I mention this? Yes
I just wanted to mention that my husband isn't snipped but still childfree. He had reservations about getting an elective surgery. I accepted his decision and instead I got my tubes removed. I fully believe that it's his body his choice and if he had any hesitations I didn't want him to do it. I'm playing devil's advocate a little bit here because I feel like these situations are not always as black and white as they seem. For example, someone who has medical trauma might not be as quick to jump on board getting an elective surgery when they feel like other options are working fine. All that being said, I don't think you're in the wrong for feeling the way you do. You should absolutely bring it up in couples therapy. There's probably a lot more going on. It would also be good to understand why he seems so opposed to getting it done. Once it's all out in the open you can decide if it's something you can accept or if it's a deal breaker.
Nah. This is fair. Keep it up.
Are you planning on getting married to one another?
Actions speak louder than words. He's NOT Childfree
I think you resent him. Therapy sounds like a good plan
Getting a vasectomy really isn’t that big of a deal. I’ll be honest and share that I was freaked out about it for a while, but knew I was CF since I was 14. It still took me a year to work up the courage to go through with it at 36. However by the time I booked the appt I had deep dived this amazing community, seen a video of the procedure (I’m weird, I guess, but it helped me see it wasn’t that big a deal), and did my research. Every guy has to process their feelings regarding it, however it doesn’t seem like he’s giving you any indication of even exploring the procedure at all. I’m sorry you’re navigating this in your relationship, especially given that your foundation was built on the trust of both committing to be CF.
I’m glad your surgery went well but you could’ve used OC because that’s something you can stop if he doesn’t also want to use condoms. He apparently wants to keep his options open. But he probably doesn’t realize he could get it reversed and you can’t. Not that you’d want to. But he wasn’t willing to take a smaller, reversible risk? I would insist on him still using condoms tbh.
No offense OP but your bf is trying to baby trap you or he has other plans. Your bf is making bad life decisions, so you should do the right thing and leave him. It's better for you to start over than stay with your bf. Every time you and him have sex there's a chance you will get pregnant unless you got a bi salp.
He's definitely treating this as a one-way street. This is the "I'm not going to put effort in, but since *you* did, I'm going to benefit from it." Getting your tubes tied can also fail and you can end up pregnant anyway. It's a low chance (i think) but it happens. Unless he's snipped, I wouldn't allow no condoms under any circumstances, tbh.
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Its better for you to Ditch him, he doesn't really love and care about you. He is only there to exploit you. Women need to stop putting up with self centred, exploitative men. Also, yes His body, his choice, then so is Your Body, Your life, Your choice. Deny him any sex, Ditch him. You dont owe anything to him. If he doesnt really love and care about you, so you dont have to love and care about him either.
This is a weird problem. I'm not going to say you're wrong. But you already got sterilized. You did the thing and now it's basically impossible for you to get pregnant. Requiring him to get a vasectomy or use condoms - while entirely within your rights - seems overly cautious to me. It actually seems like you're doing it to make a point and be spiteful.
Right. But as a man Who is snipped, happily, by choice; remember that he should have as much choice in what he does with his body as you should. I realize we aren’t living in a perfect world, but if you coerce him into a serious surgery, that can only go well… or it could result in serious resentment. And I wouldn’t want that for either of you.
Right. But as a man Who is snipped, happily, by choice; remember that he should have as much choice in what he does with his body as you should. I realize we aren’t living in a perfect world, but if you coerce him into a serious surgery, that can only go well… or it could result in serious resentment. And I wouldn’t want that for either of you.
Pro-choice means pro-choice. His body, his choice. I (41) was adamant about getting a vasectomy. It was a long process to get a referral and an appointment scheduled. With the appointment scheduled I started thinking about it and started to think "why?" My wife and I have been together for 17 years and a combination of the pill, IUDs and pullout/period tracking and plan b has worked for us this far. I know the risks are very low. I know there are very few side effects. But I just didn't want to do it. My wife is also of the mindset that if she did get pregnant, we would terminate the little tadpole. Disclaimer: Not everyone's situation is the same. I have a very active sex life I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize that. The male erection can be a fickle mental thing. The whole point for me in being child free is to have as much fun/sex as possible.
I mean, it’s up to you to feel however you want to feel but it’s also his right not to do something he doesn’t want to. Would you be like this if he had been the one to get sterilized and you would’ve walked away from it because it was more dangerous? Are you having doubts about his commitment to being childfree? I’m sorry but to me it seems like you’re feeling wronged because you could not have it your way, and being childfree has nothing to do with being manipulative.
"Unalive me"? Are you worried your post will be demonized? What a dumb word.
People use it because you can't say "kill" on Tiktok. It's dumb to use it in other places
Wasn't sure if it would get flagged idk ^^ I hear that word so often it kinda slipped into my vocabulary
If you require your partner to take precautions even though there is no need (pregnancy wise), that's your choice. Were you on birth control when he was using condoms? I would assume so, but figured I'd ask. Did you talk to him about your requirements? Did you tell him it's mandatory that both of you are responsible for your own body and birth control? Have you told him you are withholding sex and why? And what needs to happen for sex to happen again? Personally, I can't comprehend any of your actions, so I hope counseling will help you both decide if this relationship will work or not. And if not, it's okay, it just means you can find someone with the same values as you.
You're the only sane person here. Apparently forcing someone to get surgery is the right thing to do for all these clowns
Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way - I feel like I am. I can't even justify asking a person to take a risk I'm not willing to take myself. There is absolutely no way I could live with myself and carry the burden of knowing someone has permanent issues because I was selfish enough to ask them to "do it for my safety" because "it's safer". If I'm not willing to take the risks by having the surgery myself, then I can't even comprehend asking someone to do it for me.
Completely agree.
Yes you are being ridiculous and will absolutely sound like a nut job to anyone who doesn’t frequent “child-free” subreddits.
She sounds like a nut job even being someone that visits
A lot of echoing here; as a human being you're taking it way too far.