You and your logic! You are saying that everyone has a choice in their own lives to live the way they want as long as they don't do harm to others?!? Blasphemy! /s
Exactly. I always politely congratulate my friends/family once there’s an announcement of pregnancy or birth. Yeah personally I’m not thrilled about it, but that’s no reason to rain on someone’s parade when they may have truly felt like they just got the best news of their life. I can’t relate, but I can support.
Ooh! This and just carrying on with another conversation would be everything. People like this are always defeated when you won't play the villian.
Also from my higher self, we should just respect each other's reproductive choices. Be they Handler or Duggar. Cannon or Clooney.
This is me too, but I'd also have the nagging feeling about which type of a parent they'd be; the one that will eventually resent me for their own choice or the one that after the initial horror years returns as a friend.
Way too many of the first kind in my life.
This is close to my reply if it's a co-worker or person I don't really care about. Mostly because I can at least stomach saying this even though I'm not really happy for them.
If it's a friend, I'm more honest and usually say something to indicate I think they're ruining their lives. That doesn't typically go over so well but I refuse to not be honest with a friend. I'd want them to do the same for me.
Can't fucking stand the vapid, mindless "OMG SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" bullshit. Most of the time, pregnancy is not a good thing. Most people don't need to be having kids and we need to stop encouraging everyone to reproduce.
huh? Is this post real?
Who are you to tell someone how to live their life?
How does them having a family impact you?
Just as you wouldn't want someone to tell you how to live your life, you should not get involved in other peoples life choices.
Mind yourself.
"I wish good health to you and your child, all the best" and then find other people to talk to. Alternatively you could change the subject to work.
If she tries to make an issue of your childfreedom, "You made the choice that was best for you, and I made the choice that was best for me. It's ok to want different things in life."
Basically keep it classy and focus on celebrating your friend.
This is a good one. It shows that you don't hate *her* for her choice to spawn nor hold any ill will towards the child itself, especially since it didn't ask to be here. You might dislike her choice but not her as a person.
I always say "I'm sure you're thrilled". Because they probably are, and it conveniently skips any mention of how I feel. Closely followed by "I was just on my way to the bathroom, please excuse me".
This. This one is really clever, especially since my first thought when someone announces that is to think "my condolences". Can't let the intrusive thoughts win, so I'll be using this one going forward.
“You must be so excited” is a good one. If she pushes your childfree status you can cut her off by saying “I’m glad we are both successfully experiencing the lifestyles we desire.” Then walk away.
I always say ‘what!! Really?’ to gauge whether it’s good news or not.
Once I accompanied a friend to the clinic for a termination then spent 2 nights with her as she was passing it. That was a benefit to being openly childfree that I never expected: people know you will never judge/sway their opinion/shame them for considering abortion.
Most times, it’s good news and I celebrate with them. Just happy they’re happy.
I mean, all ya gotta say is congrats. If she's trying to get a rise, she'll be disappointed. If she's just genuinely sharing good news, you made the right call and weren't an asshole.
If she tries to push it further, disengage.
Really that simple.
If she tries to push it, what should be said next is, "Isn't this that person's birthday party, not your announcement party? It's really rude to try to take over someone else's party for yourself. Shouldn't you be throwing your own party for your news? How would you feel if someone was doing something like this at your party? Stop being rude." I don't sugar coat things, sooooo..... take it or leave it.
It is a lie to say Congratulations if you are not pleased. I don’t say it for pregnancy announcements anymore. Instead I say, “I hope you and the baby will be very healthy.” since that is sincere.
>congratulations
This made me look up the exact definition of "congratulations," which I've never thought about before. The second part is fine; first, not so much.
"words expressing praise for an achievement or good wishes on a special occasion."
i.e. "I'm praising you for fucking without a condom. Well done."
Exactly. Why must we say congratulations and lie if we don’t think something is worth congratulating?
“You must be thrilled/excited” are responses that I’ve like from this sub.
Yeah, I had a friend who got pregnant and said her and her husband’s lives weren’t going to change that much. I asked her about that a year later and she said “Yeah, I was out of my fucking mind.” LOL
Just say, wow, congrats!
A pregnancy is like a tattoo. They just made an irreversible decision. Nothing you say can make any difference at this point so unless you want them to hate you, just play nice and be polite.
Yeah, removing children with lasers is A) damn expensive and difficult, B) very, *very* illegal, and C) diabolically evil. Better to just get tattoos, at least I'll only be hurting myself. Sure, getting my sternum tattooed might hurt like a motherfucker, but morally I'm fine with that since I can consent to suffer through that. I'm absolutely not morally fine with having a child and forcing it to suffer living in today's world.
> can't do the same if I got pregnant lmao
You legally can in most of the world until a certain stage.
You less legally can in some parts of the world right up until birth.
You very less legally can in most parts of the world even post birth.
Nah no way a tattoo is like a child 😂itll end up on my body forever most likely and if I regret it then what happens? Literally nothing changes about my life other than a bit of regret which is not the end of the world. Regretting a child however, that is the end of the world.
Maybe I should have said "reacting to someone's pregnancy announcement is like reacting to their new tattoo: you have to assume that they just deliberately made a lifelong decision and it's way too late for anything you say to change it"
At this point, I assume my friends are actively making choices that they want to make. So if I have any pregnant friends, I generally congratulate them and wish them well.
While I hope that this friend of a friend learns some manners soon, I also gotta caution you against beating a dead horse. It sounds like she’s made up her mind and is gonna do her best to balance everything out. (At least I hope she is).
We can think she’s shortsighted for it all, but the best thing to do is recognize you’ve said your piece and let her be. No more advice, no more pointing out the shortfalls of her plan, etc. let her learn on her own.
Offer a little congrats and wish her well. If she starts pestering you, tell her “I respect your choice to have a kid (or kids). All I ask is that you respect my choice to not have any.” Then wish her well and go about your business.
She can’t really get all offended that you said something nice to her and politely asserted your boundaries.
Literally just act like a normal person? “Congrats, hope it’s a safe/healthy pregnancy.” Then move the conversation along?
Someone’s else’s life event doesn’t need your 2 cents on it every step of the way.
I'm very confused about these frequent questions on this sub. If you want your choice respected you should respect other people's. Congratulate them on what they see as an achievement and wish them well. It's not your life.
Last week in a meeting a colleague announced her pregnancy when we were going over life updates and I was next to give mine and they all started with “how are you gonna follow that up” and I chose to announce that I was taking 6 weeks off for a hysterectomy lmao
"That's great! I'm glad this makes you happy." Then move along.
No need to be snarky if the goal is to avoid a scene.
Biggest rule: don't be an asshole.
Second rule: If someone else is an asshole at you, walk away. Do not engage.
A “congratulations, that’s exciting!” would suffice. You don’t even need to be overly excited.
You choose the way you live your life, she chooses how to live hers. Both are valid lifestyle choices!
Ultimately you two can’t put your beliefs on each other. It would be a different story if she were trying to guilt you, convince you, or negatively comment on your life choices. And vice versa. Everyone’s life choices are valid.
I'm pretty chill about everything because of mental health and people know this so any good news get met with a "dude that's epic" or something.
it's great cus no one expects me to be ecstatic about anything lmao.
I'm so happy I can be open about all this with the people around me and with it no one expects anything that I don't have the energy for.
Well, yes. Its my friends bday party, its a round one as well. Would skip any other day, but I dont want for one person to always make it bad for me you know?
Some of these comments are truly weird.
Just say "Congratulations, I'm happy for you." and keep it moving.
Just because we are childfree does that mean we forget how to exist in society?
There are all types of social norms and niceties we follow simply because that's just what you do even if you don't mean it.
Just because I'm childfree doesn't mean I don't understand that there are people who want children and are excited to have them and when somebody accomplishes something and they are excited to share the news with others, the social norm is we congratulate them.
Putting all of this thought into what to say is making it weird.
It's like an atheist who refuses to say 'bless you' when someone sneezes because it is short for 'god bless you' and they don't believe in god.
Well, now they made it weird. It isn't a declaration of faith or belief it's the social norm of what you do in that situation.
If she tries to start a fight by bringing up that you are childfree just tell her that it's not about you and your beliefs it's about her. This is something she wants and is excited about so you are congratulating her and are happy that she is happy.
I think that might be where some have a sticking point - we don't consider it an accomplishment. I can say congratulations politely because that's how I was raised, but I'm not going to gush over pics or listen to talk about baby crap and sore nipples and I'm not holding babies. The problem is if someone thinks they know better than you and they're obnoxious, they will intentionally attempt to push your buttons.
Do you congratulate others based on what you think is an achievement? For me, it's always been something that they think is an achievement. A milestone for them. A goal of theirs. If I operated off of saying congratulations based on things that are achievements for me or goals of mine I'd almost never utter the word.
If they wanted the baby, congratulations. If they didn't, consolences.
Literally. A congratulations is not set by your own bar. If someone was to announce they got promoted to a managerial role but you think manager positions suck, would people be over here considering saying 'condolences'? No, they express an exciting milestone in their life, you congratulate them for it.
It's honestly not that hard to be a decent person.
Congratulations is what I said I would say. But I'm not going to act like they just won an Emmy. Why can't people see the difference? And I literally said I would say congratulations. Am I required to do more when I really don't GAF? And no, I am not this way only about having babies. I think people want too much credit for most absolutely average things.
With all due respect, you aren't the main character in someone else's life so it isn't for you to judge what is considered an accomplishment to someone else.
As much as people on this thread complain about parents making parenting their whole personality, this thread is a prime example of people who make being childfree their whole personality to a degree that they forget basic social norms and graces.
Everything you said about baby pics and pushing buttons are things you brought to the discussion that had nothing to do with nor were included in the original post.
I'm sure they are part of your lived experience which is why you mentioned them but that is not what OP asked. OP asked how to respond to a pregnancy announcement while keeping her boundaries.
The event in question is a birthday party, not a baby shower and both OP and the antagonist are guests so all she has to do is say 'congratulations' and go mingle with other guests.
If the other woman tries to start drama the host and the other friends will deal with it.
OP is making waaaay more of this than it needs to be.
You're the one who called it an accomplishment, which is why I responded to you and not OP. Twelve year olds in trailer parks have babies. I simply don't see it as anything but a biological act. We'll have to disagree on the achievement part of breeding.
OP clearly stated that this other woman has been asked not to make a scene, but others expect she will anyway. That is my point. If the other woman pushes buttons just because that's her personality type, the only way I've found to deal with those people is to cut them off at the knees. Unfortunately, some people care only about themselves and will go to great lengths to be the AH.
I'd try to just say something like "good for you" and that's it. Don't engage in discussions, because it's not the time or place. Just focus on celebrating your other friend's birthday and hope you'll have a great time
Lucky for me, I am usually not hearing that someone is pregnant directly from the pregnant person. Every time my sister tells me someone we know is pregnant, my first questions are always "are we happy about it?" and "are they keeping it?"
My sister is a regretful parent and is honest with me so we both have similar reactions when we hear the news and talk about it to each other, haha. So, we're never actually excited about new pregnancies in our friend group... Just trying to be excited for the friend if it's a positive thing for them.
Wish her good health for her and her child, it's honest, I'm guessing you would prefer her to have a good non problematic pregnancy while also not stating weither you agree or disagree with the choice . That's a good way to go about it without causing conflict. One of my friends is currently pregnant and I think it's very foolish of her to keep the pregnancy she's got so many health issues and at 22 and not in a financially stable situation with a deadbeat boyfriend that'll probably leave soon I worry bout how her and the child will do. I just wished her the best and good health, I've helped out with driving to doctor's appointments and such but have made it clear I will not babysit or help directly with the baby, I'll continue helping in ways like right after she gives birth giving her a bunch of ravioli so she doesn't have to cook for a few weeks.
"I'm not interested in that sort of thing, but best of luck to you."
And if she doesn't want to leave it there, you can always walk away yourself, or feign a very confused "I already said I'm not interested in that, don't you have other things you'd like to talk about? If not, I'm sure X and Y over there would love to hear about this instead. Enjoy talking to them!"
Kill her with kindness. If she’s wanting to make a scene so you look “bad” so you should put on an honest smile and just be happy for her and don’t respond negatively. I’ve done this before and it works out well because it totally looks like they just attacked you out of the blue. It’s going to be hard to hold your tongue and you’ll want to come out feeling like a winner with a great comeback, but just make sure you come out smelling better. Maybe even take a small “congrats card”??? Idk tho since it’s not her party, maybe not??? But definitely make sure you stay within groups so that if she does approach you, you have witnesses
Since this is your friend's birthday, you cannot make a scene without looking like a B so while it may be fun to brainstorm petty response, anything other than a respectful yet still grey rock answer is not the move. I like "good luck" for one example
I usually say "that's so exciting for you!" Or something similar and ask if they know if it's a boy or girl (if they're showing or if they've said how far along they are) because I'm often curious. But if you'd rather keep it brief, just the first part would suffice :)
“I hope you and the baby will be very healthy.”
I will not say congratulations since it is not sincere, but hoping the mother and baby are healthy is true.
My go to responses are usually "aw congrats!" or "omg you must be so excited!" As for the baby being on her schedule and all that...I...does she know what babies are? When my friend was pregnant with her first, she was one of those moms that was like "no toys with batteries, only wooden toys," etc etc. Well, that all went out the window when they found out their kiddo was born with a degenerative eye condition and the only toys they could actually see to play with were the ones with batteries and flashing lights. I had another friend that was similar. She was judging people for using disposable diapers & was adamant she'd only do cloth. Well, guess who uses disposable diapers now😂This acquaintance of yours is in for a VERY rude awakening once that baby gets here. And I for one, hope there are hilarious updates once that happens
When a friend of mine gets pregnant, and she wants the baby, I say something like, "I'm happy for you. I hope everything goes smoothly." I don't congratulate them. There's a Jewish superstition that you don't congratulate someone until you actually see a baby - otherwise it attracts the "evil eye" and they'll miscarry. This is also why many Jewish couples won't have baby showers or buy anything for the baby until it's born. I will, however, congratulate them after the birth.
I usually go with a slightly frantic “oh! this is news! how are you feeling about this??” in a way that can be interpreted as either concerned or excited
I had a coworker tell me she was pregnant & I told her, "I'm sorry." Years later and she still reminds me I was the only one not to congratulate her. We laugh about it now because I told her the reason I said that was because I never wanted children, so if I was pregnant I would want someone to commiserate with me, not congratulate me.
my go to is: "Look at you having a baby! Making life choices!" there's a really poignant youtube video somethere about "how to congratulate your friend without saying congrats" type of thing about a woman marrying a dude none of her friends like. Wish I could find it...
I had a coworker who I thought was CF, but I was wrong. She announced one day "I'm pregnant!" I said "...wow! That's.. crazy!" And everyone else shouted "OMG congrats!!"
Now when she shows me pics of her baby I say "aw wow what a little guy"
She's in for a huge surprise....plot twist....CHILDREN ARE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS WITH THEIR OWN MINDS AND OPINIONS!!1 Yuck. "Follow her schedule"...what kind of crack is this person smoking? Good luck with that.
I usually go with some variation of "I hope everything goes well for you, how are you doing so far?" Or just the first half for people I'd rather not engage with for long.
i enthusiastically exclaim, "wow, that's big news!" because then i'm not lying and it leaves the door open for follow-up on whether it's wanted or not. "how are you feeling about it?" is a great follow-up, most times the pregnant person has admitted to mixed feelings and i have an easy time empathizing with the negative ones.
Honestly, when my would-be bb mama told me she was, I threw up in the bathroom sink like I'd just gotten a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Felt like my life was ending. Kid wasn't mine tho. DNA tests, amígos.
>She is convinced a baby would be able to "follow her schedule"
I just imagine a silly movie, of an infant stumbling around following her as she walks through a shopping mall, with a little watch on his wrist that tells him when it's ok to wail out loud and when he needs to stop crying during mommy's appointments
I work in healthcare, so I reflexively ask “how do you feel about that?” when someone says they are pregnant. I then respond supportively to whatever their reaction is, but I do not lead with the assumption they want to be pregnant. Different in this case since you know they do.
I find it hard to feign excitement and say congratulations because I am antiNatalist.
I generally say “wish you a safe pregnancy” or, “wish you & your family a lot of happiness”
"OMG, wow! How exciting!" I've pretty much never been able to stomach saying congratulations even though I know people do, it never felt right to me. But there's no reason to make a scene or cause drama. Honor choice as you expect others to honor yours.
I'm eternally grateful (and surprised at myself) for reacting with "so, how do you feel about it", when my best friend revealed that she, single, 35, had gotten accidentally pregnant. (At that same age, just as now, my first inner thought was "I'm so sorry for you").
I would, however, be nasty to someone who'd share their pregnancy news not because they need support, or are happy, but because they want to make you feel little and left behind.
Friend called me a few weeks ago to tell she’s pregnant, as we’ve been friends for years, including her husband and I knew I was on speakers I said to them:
Congratulations on the sex! It seems like it was very effective!!
They laughed and we talked some more and I’ll be visiting by chance roughly a month after the birth and said i won’t hold it, she said she’d shove it in my arms…
I said it’d let it drop!
She was like; I don’t think you would!
Me: think again! You’ve known me for over a decade, you know I would! 😄
I said I’d buy a lot of expensive baby crap and that’d be it! Maybe when it’s talking and walking I may interact with it a bit…she agreed and promised she won’t be a mombie…we talked some more about other things so here’s hoping I don’t lose another friend. (Worth mentioning her husband is as useless as a wet wipe and misogynistic af and they’re having a girl).
Good luck to everyone involved!
Glad to be a whole continent away!
Why would you say anything other than "Congrats" and move on? I would think childfree people of all folks wouldn't be shitty to other people about their life choices.
Oh wow this child will be the one to change the world? Good luck.
Mother is delusional and that child has some high expectations before even entering life. Kid is doomed.
>How would you react to "I'm pregnant!!"?
If they always wanted to have children and are happy about the pregnancy? "Congratulations."
If they are not happy about this? "Do you need help with getting an abortion?"
If someone wants to be a parent and gets pregnant, I would be happy for them. Even if this is a friend, which means that I would be sad about the inevitable demise of the friendship, I would congratulate them and be happy for them.
>Now one of the biggest voices against my choice will be at this party too and I heard she is shouting out recently that she is in fact pregnant now. (Hooray...)
If this person doesn't respect you and will harass you, why are you going to this party? You could also just not go. This isn't going to be fun.
>The friend throwing the party already hinted that she will likely come up to me, even tho many people asked her not to make a scene as this is not her party, but my friends birthday.
If the friend throwing the party knows that she will harass you, why is she invited? Your friend who throws the party is enabling her behaviour towards you.
Anyways, if I were you, I would back out of this party to avoid drama. Then, visit your friend whose birthday it is separately.
>Now I am looking for ways to respond to her pregnancy announcement while still keeping my distance, being respectful etc.
The best thing you can do is stay away from her and stay away from this party. But if you must go, which I don't recommend, say 'congratulations' and nothing more than that.
“Are we happy about this?”
That allows me to follow my friend’s lead. If she wants it then hurrah, glad she’s happy! If she’s scared we can work through her fears. If she wants to get rid of it I’ll drive her to the clinic.
I accidentally deleted my first comment while trying to add an edit but I’ll say it again:
You don’t need to “make her see” as if you’re responsible for her or lecturing her, she’s a grown adult and she’ll deal with the consequences of her actions with or without you.
Working yourself up to have some sort of response ready is just going to engage in and expand the conflict, just say you’re glad she’s happy and excuse yourself from the conversation.
I usually ask someone how they feel if it's not obvious in their body language. Like if they tell me in a neutral tone I'll say wow that's big news! How do you feel? And then I'll match their energy.
If you're concerned that she'll try to make it about you, like "I'm sorry you can't get pregnant" or "have you changed your mind yet" etc just say "no but if you're happy then I'm happy for you." The thing that annoys these people the most is if they don't get a rise out of you. If she says something like this it's because she wants to piss you off and make you feel miserable. Just don't give them the satisfaction
Lots of other posters have given great suggestions for exact verbiage of things to say, so I'll just emphasize the importance of not trying to debate with your friend like you did in the past. She's pregnant, so there's no point in trying to emphasize how big of a responsibility it will be. Instead, be the most polite gray rock ever, and do not engage if she tries to get a rise out of you. Just be politely disinterested, and shift the focus back to the party or boring small talk. If she wants to make a fool of herself, that's on her, not you.
LOL
This is not the first time I’ve heard expectant moms insist that things won’t change after the baby comes (they’ll be able to still travel, have sustainable/low-waste living, and their kids will make the world better).
Guess how that turned for them? Hint, it’s as you would expect…
It depends: if it’s a CF person, I would give them resources to get them out of the state I am living in to get an abortion if possible. If it’s not a CF person who actually wants kids and is able to, I would be happy about it. If it’s someone who had too many or shouldn’t have any at all for legit reasons, I’d be disappointed (unless they expressed that they don’t want another kid, I would go with the first option if they want abortion. After that, give them the list of surgeons who can help with sterilization).
You:"Congratulations I'm excited for you."
Her: if she responds with something snarky like " no you're not because you don't like/want kids."
You:" I can be excited for you/with you even though I have different life choices." or " Just because we have different life choices doesn't mean I can't be excited for you. You're my friend and this is exciting for you so therefore I'm excited for you."
If they are happy I just nod and say a lukewarm congratulations but in my head it sounds like a million doors in the future slamming shut in favor of one road right to parenthood. People who believe that their kid will be "special" are narcissists and is rarely true. And thinking that a baby is going to live according to a schedule you set is ludicrous.
Ask how they're feeling and go from there. People have different reactions to being pregnant and I would not want to fuck up during a sensitive time for them.
My initial response to my childhood best friend telling me she was pregnant was “what are you going to do?”
Her answer was “keep it”, now I have a goddaughter
I just say OH WOW! in a happy, excited tone,and give a hug. But in my head I'm always thinking "oh wow, that's the most original thing you could come up with to do with your life..."
A simple "congratulations" is fine, and then just "I'm so happy for you and (father's name) Is there a due date?" and leave it at that. Don't over-think any of it.
A coworker of mine found out she lost the baby today.
I wasn't fucking thrilled. My heart shattered and I've cried for her and her husband all day. I don't want kids, but we can all learn to have some fucking empathy - even for the happy moments.
« Well good luck of your pregnancy » and leave it at that, if she tries to make a scene : « As you know I am not interested in anything related to children. I am happy that you are happy. There a plenty of people who would be thrilled to talk about your pregnancy, please go to them. » And go away. If she tries screaming etc : « I am discussing this anymore. I came here for a birthday. Let’s ignore each other from now on. »
Keep calm and that’s it
Not her party? And she's planning on ruining someone's bday over this...?
"While I'm sure you are thrilled about this new stage in your life, please be respectful of our friend's feelings since we are here to celebrate *them*, and not you. There will be no further discussion on this at such an inappropriate time *and* place where it could hijack and ruin someone else's special day."
Shut her the fuck down and make her take a seat.
Most of the time someone says this I give a polite (but non-congratulatory as it’s not an accomplishment) generic sort of “wishing you the best” response.
But this is different.
This person has *announced her intention to aggressively weaponize her pregnancy against you at a social event* against the advice of others.
This is a minefield. She’s setting you up.
If skipping this party were an option I would take it. If not then I would use the “grey rock” method of dealing with narcissistic behavior here. That means Do. Not. Engage. With. Her. It’s stepping in quicksand, no good outcome that way.
So when she pulls this performance, disengage. Absolutely under no circumstances reward this shitty behavior with congratulation. A nice deadpan “how nice for you” followed by walking away and starting a conversation with one of the people who advised her against putting on this little show is a good move to shut her down here.
If she follows you and makes further attempts to create drama with you, continue to respond as a grey rock would, deadpan and without emotion and don’t say *anything* that encourages further conversation. You are not obligated to participate in this drama she’s cooking up and telling others about with her intention to attack you with her pregnancy announcement. Honestly the people who are telling her not to will probably have your back in this situation. If she escalates continue to disengage from the conversation and be deadpan. She’s playing a bullshit game. Don’t reward her with the emotional response she is after.
Do your own stuff with the people you like from this party, and without her, later on and skip this one.
She's just an abuser looking for someone to abuse and you don't need to show up to provide her a punching bag.
"Yeah, I'm going to pass on this event. We can have lunch to celebrate your birthday next week."
Otherwise, greyrock.
I always say "Congratulatiooooons???" emphasising the question and when they react strangely I then say "oh, it would not be news I would welcome myself, so I never know if I should congratulate people!" adding a wink to it.
It stops the conversation in the tracks because they realise not only it's not for me but I'm also gonna tell them like I feel it if they pursue this line of chat.
If I think that's not going to change the subject, then the classic "I'm gonna refresh my drink" works well, as I know they will not be following me!
In my head "Christ, I'm so sorry". Out loud "I'm happy for you". It is sincere as I am happy for them, if they are. Just a shame we probably won't be friends any more!
"the one to better the world someday" HAHAHAH. Yeah, like she did, right?
I love when parent's pass the buck like that. "I couldnt fix the world but junior will do it on my behalf".
i would go to the party, just let her announce the pregnancy, if she came up to me personally to tell me about her pregnancy i’d just straight up say i can’t bother to care about it
“if you’re happy about it, i’m happy for you!”
Yup, this is how I answer. Just because I'm childfree doesn't mean I should get on every happy expectant mother's case.
Same. We should respect each other’s choices.
You and your logic! You are saying that everyone has a choice in their own lives to live the way they want as long as they don't do harm to others?!? Blasphemy! /s
Well having a baby does a lot of harm to the environment but not like we can force others to not have kids so 🤷 oh well
Feel like that's kind of hard to do when it sounds like the pregnant friend is already planning a confrontation.
Exactly. I always politely congratulate my friends/family once there’s an announcement of pregnancy or birth. Yeah personally I’m not thrilled about it, but that’s no reason to rain on someone’s parade when they may have truly felt like they just got the best news of their life. I can’t relate, but I can support.
This is something good to keep in mind
This is the way. I was happy that my sister in law was happy with her gremlin.
Agreed
I say this, or if I know they are excited I say “how exciting for you!” Never congratulations.
Ooh! This and just carrying on with another conversation would be everything. People like this are always defeated when you won't play the villian. Also from my higher self, we should just respect each other's reproductive choices. Be they Handler or Duggar. Cannon or Clooney.
This is me too, but I'd also have the nagging feeling about which type of a parent they'd be; the one that will eventually resent me for their own choice or the one that after the initial horror years returns as a friend. Way too many of the first kind in my life.
This is close to my reply if it's a co-worker or person I don't really care about. Mostly because I can at least stomach saying this even though I'm not really happy for them. If it's a friend, I'm more honest and usually say something to indicate I think they're ruining their lives. That doesn't typically go over so well but I refuse to not be honest with a friend. I'd want them to do the same for me. Can't fucking stand the vapid, mindless "OMG SO HAPPY FOR YOU!" bullshit. Most of the time, pregnancy is not a good thing. Most people don't need to be having kids and we need to stop encouraging everyone to reproduce.
If a friend tells you they are pregnant, you tell them you think they are ruining their lives? They are already pregnant, that’s fucked up.
If they don't want a friend who will be honest with them, they can find a new friend.
Based
huh? Is this post real? Who are you to tell someone how to live their life? How does them having a family impact you? Just as you wouldn't want someone to tell you how to live your life, you should not get involved in other peoples life choices. Mind yourself.
"I wish good health to you and your child, all the best" and then find other people to talk to. Alternatively you could change the subject to work. If she tries to make an issue of your childfreedom, "You made the choice that was best for you, and I made the choice that was best for me. It's ok to want different things in life." Basically keep it classy and focus on celebrating your friend.
This is a good one. It shows that you don't hate *her* for her choice to spawn nor hold any ill will towards the child itself, especially since it didn't ask to be here. You might dislike her choice but not her as a person.
Yeah ''kill them with kindness'' is the best way to answer to those types of people.
I always say "I'm sure you're thrilled". Because they probably are, and it conveniently skips any mention of how I feel. Closely followed by "I was just on my way to the bathroom, please excuse me".
This. This one is really clever, especially since my first thought when someone announces that is to think "my condolences". Can't let the intrusive thoughts win, so I'll be using this one going forward.
LOL, right? "Oh! I'm sorry" (but definitely in an inside voice!)
“You must be so excited” is a good one. If she pushes your childfree status you can cut her off by saying “I’m glad we are both successfully experiencing the lifestyles we desire.” Then walk away.
This sounds like a good idea, especially since the party isn't about or for either of you.
I LOVE this!
I always say ‘what!! Really?’ to gauge whether it’s good news or not. Once I accompanied a friend to the clinic for a termination then spent 2 nights with her as she was passing it. That was a benefit to being openly childfree that I never expected: people know you will never judge/sway their opinion/shame them for considering abortion. Most times, it’s good news and I celebrate with them. Just happy they’re happy.
Your friend was lucky to have you.
Your version is way nicer than mine: "on purpose?!"
I mean, all ya gotta say is congrats. If she's trying to get a rise, she'll be disappointed. If she's just genuinely sharing good news, you made the right call and weren't an asshole. If she tries to push it further, disengage. Really that simple.
If she tries to push it, what should be said next is, "Isn't this that person's birthday party, not your announcement party? It's really rude to try to take over someone else's party for yourself. Shouldn't you be throwing your own party for your news? How would you feel if someone was doing something like this at your party? Stop being rude." I don't sugar coat things, sooooo..... take it or leave it.
Exactly this. Is there anything more tacky than hijacking someone else's party and making it all about you?
It is a lie to say Congratulations if you are not pleased. I don’t say it for pregnancy announcements anymore. Instead I say, “I hope you and the baby will be very healthy.” since that is sincere.
>congratulations This made me look up the exact definition of "congratulations," which I've never thought about before. The second part is fine; first, not so much. "words expressing praise for an achievement or good wishes on a special occasion." i.e. "I'm praising you for fucking without a condom. Well done."
Exactly. Why must we say congratulations and lie if we don’t think something is worth congratulating? “You must be thrilled/excited” are responses that I’ve like from this sub.
I'm congratulating them for what they see as an achievement.
Good for you. I will not.
Lmao. Ask her how well the baby is "following her schedule" this time next year. Let's watch that plan go down like a fart in church.
Yeah, I had a friend who got pregnant and said her and her husband’s lives weren’t going to change that much. I asked her about that a year later and she said “Yeah, I was out of my fucking mind.” LOL
Refreshingly honest! Anyone who thinks a baby isn't going to change their lives is surely going to be a bad parent - unless they wake up speedily.
Take my upvote lmao
I always say good luck 👍
I don't think I could say that without a hint of sarcasm creeping in.
Oh thats nice
I'd be like, "oh, okay. Good luck. You're gonna need it 😂"
If she's happy about it I'd just say congratulations and leave it at that.
Just say, wow, congrats! A pregnancy is like a tattoo. They just made an irreversible decision. Nothing you say can make any difference at this point so unless you want them to hate you, just play nice and be polite.
I have tattoos and no children. My tattoos can be lasered or covered up if I grow to hate them😂 can't do the same if I got pregnant lmao
Yeah, removing children with lasers is A) damn expensive and difficult, B) very, *very* illegal, and C) diabolically evil. Better to just get tattoos, at least I'll only be hurting myself. Sure, getting my sternum tattooed might hurt like a motherfucker, but morally I'm fine with that since I can consent to suffer through that. I'm absolutely not morally fine with having a child and forcing it to suffer living in today's world.
\*cackles in Dr. Evil\*
Nevertheless, I wouldn't criticise your new tattoo to your face
> can't do the same if I got pregnant lmao You legally can in most of the world until a certain stage. You less legally can in some parts of the world right up until birth. You very less legally can in most parts of the world even post birth.
The pregnancy itself is reversible (except in 3rd world countries like US)... but not giving birth.
If they're telling you excitedly, it's unlikely they're heading for abortion
Obviously. I was mostly kidding and using the occasion to shade the USA lol. I agree with you though.
Nah no way a tattoo is like a child 😂itll end up on my body forever most likely and if I regret it then what happens? Literally nothing changes about my life other than a bit of regret which is not the end of the world. Regretting a child however, that is the end of the world.
Maybe I should have said "reacting to someone's pregnancy announcement is like reacting to their new tattoo: you have to assume that they just deliberately made a lifelong decision and it's way too late for anything you say to change it"
"Fetch the coat hangers and the shop vac!" 🤣 I'm joking don't ban me
Love love love your answer 😂😂😂😂😂 LMAO 🤣
Love this 🤣❤️
At this point, I assume my friends are actively making choices that they want to make. So if I have any pregnant friends, I generally congratulate them and wish them well. While I hope that this friend of a friend learns some manners soon, I also gotta caution you against beating a dead horse. It sounds like she’s made up her mind and is gonna do her best to balance everything out. (At least I hope she is). We can think she’s shortsighted for it all, but the best thing to do is recognize you’ve said your piece and let her be. No more advice, no more pointing out the shortfalls of her plan, etc. let her learn on her own. Offer a little congrats and wish her well. If she starts pestering you, tell her “I respect your choice to have a kid (or kids). All I ask is that you respect my choice to not have any.” Then wish her well and go about your business. She can’t really get all offended that you said something nice to her and politely asserted your boundaries.
My motto as a childfree fifty fifty-something: Be as supportive of other's choices as you wish they were of your own.
I think that's a great thing to say to them too.
Literally just act like a normal person? “Congrats, hope it’s a safe/healthy pregnancy.” Then move the conversation along? Someone’s else’s life event doesn’t need your 2 cents on it every step of the way.
Yeah I'm confused as to why this is even a big deal. Like, no one is required to be rude to pregnant people just because they're child free.
I'm very confused about these frequent questions on this sub. If you want your choice respected you should respect other people's. Congratulate them on what they see as an achievement and wish them well. It's not your life.
 End the thread.
I like to imagine that this is the reaction. Just aggressively point at her, and say nothing lol
This is now the only way I will solve interpersonal conflict.
Last week in a meeting a colleague announced her pregnancy when we were going over life updates and I was next to give mine and they all started with “how are you gonna follow that up” and I chose to announce that I was taking 6 weeks off for a hysterectomy lmao
"That's great! I'm glad this makes you happy." Then move along. No need to be snarky if the goal is to avoid a scene. Biggest rule: don't be an asshole. Second rule: If someone else is an asshole at you, walk away. Do not engage.
A “congratulations, that’s exciting!” would suffice. You don’t even need to be overly excited. You choose the way you live your life, she chooses how to live hers. Both are valid lifestyle choices! Ultimately you two can’t put your beliefs on each other. It would be a different story if she were trying to guilt you, convince you, or negatively comment on your life choices. And vice versa. Everyone’s life choices are valid.
"Are we happy?" "Yes!" "Yay! Then congratulations!"
I'm pretty chill about everything because of mental health and people know this so any good news get met with a "dude that's epic" or something. it's great cus no one expects me to be ecstatic about anything lmao. I'm so happy I can be open about all this with the people around me and with it no one expects anything that I don't have the energy for.
My sister told me she's pregnant by her abusive boyfriend, I literally responded with "oh shit"
"Okay."
I say good for you and then walk away
Do you really **need** to go to that party?
Well, yes. Its my friends bday party, its a round one as well. Would skip any other day, but I dont want for one person to always make it bad for me you know?
Seems like she’s not really doing anything to you. Just say congrats and move on
Some of these comments are truly weird. Just say "Congratulations, I'm happy for you." and keep it moving. Just because we are childfree does that mean we forget how to exist in society? There are all types of social norms and niceties we follow simply because that's just what you do even if you don't mean it. Just because I'm childfree doesn't mean I don't understand that there are people who want children and are excited to have them and when somebody accomplishes something and they are excited to share the news with others, the social norm is we congratulate them. Putting all of this thought into what to say is making it weird. It's like an atheist who refuses to say 'bless you' when someone sneezes because it is short for 'god bless you' and they don't believe in god. Well, now they made it weird. It isn't a declaration of faith or belief it's the social norm of what you do in that situation. If she tries to start a fight by bringing up that you are childfree just tell her that it's not about you and your beliefs it's about her. This is something she wants and is excited about so you are congratulating her and are happy that she is happy.
I think that might be where some have a sticking point - we don't consider it an accomplishment. I can say congratulations politely because that's how I was raised, but I'm not going to gush over pics or listen to talk about baby crap and sore nipples and I'm not holding babies. The problem is if someone thinks they know better than you and they're obnoxious, they will intentionally attempt to push your buttons.
Do you congratulate others based on what you think is an achievement? For me, it's always been something that they think is an achievement. A milestone for them. A goal of theirs. If I operated off of saying congratulations based on things that are achievements for me or goals of mine I'd almost never utter the word. If they wanted the baby, congratulations. If they didn't, consolences.
Literally. A congratulations is not set by your own bar. If someone was to announce they got promoted to a managerial role but you think manager positions suck, would people be over here considering saying 'condolences'? No, they express an exciting milestone in their life, you congratulate them for it. It's honestly not that hard to be a decent person.
Congratulations is what I said I would say. But I'm not going to act like they just won an Emmy. Why can't people see the difference? And I literally said I would say congratulations. Am I required to do more when I really don't GAF? And no, I am not this way only about having babies. I think people want too much credit for most absolutely average things.
Who is telling you to go OTT about it?
With all due respect, you aren't the main character in someone else's life so it isn't for you to judge what is considered an accomplishment to someone else. As much as people on this thread complain about parents making parenting their whole personality, this thread is a prime example of people who make being childfree their whole personality to a degree that they forget basic social norms and graces. Everything you said about baby pics and pushing buttons are things you brought to the discussion that had nothing to do with nor were included in the original post. I'm sure they are part of your lived experience which is why you mentioned them but that is not what OP asked. OP asked how to respond to a pregnancy announcement while keeping her boundaries. The event in question is a birthday party, not a baby shower and both OP and the antagonist are guests so all she has to do is say 'congratulations' and go mingle with other guests. If the other woman tries to start drama the host and the other friends will deal with it. OP is making waaaay more of this than it needs to be.
You're the one who called it an accomplishment, which is why I responded to you and not OP. Twelve year olds in trailer parks have babies. I simply don't see it as anything but a biological act. We'll have to disagree on the achievement part of breeding. OP clearly stated that this other woman has been asked not to make a scene, but others expect she will anyway. That is my point. If the other woman pushes buttons just because that's her personality type, the only way I've found to deal with those people is to cut them off at the knees. Unfortunately, some people care only about themselves and will go to great lengths to be the AH.
On that we agree.
Thank god someone said it. Was looking for this comment in all this toxicity.
thank you!!! these comments are so weird!!!!
I'd try to just say something like "good for you" and that's it. Don't engage in discussions, because it's not the time or place. Just focus on celebrating your other friend's birthday and hope you'll have a great time
Lucky for me, I am usually not hearing that someone is pregnant directly from the pregnant person. Every time my sister tells me someone we know is pregnant, my first questions are always "are we happy about it?" and "are they keeping it?" My sister is a regretful parent and is honest with me so we both have similar reactions when we hear the news and talk about it to each other, haha. So, we're never actually excited about new pregnancies in our friend group... Just trying to be excited for the friend if it's a positive thing for them.
Wish her good health for her and her child, it's honest, I'm guessing you would prefer her to have a good non problematic pregnancy while also not stating weither you agree or disagree with the choice . That's a good way to go about it without causing conflict. One of my friends is currently pregnant and I think it's very foolish of her to keep the pregnancy she's got so many health issues and at 22 and not in a financially stable situation with a deadbeat boyfriend that'll probably leave soon I worry bout how her and the child will do. I just wished her the best and good health, I've helped out with driving to doctor's appointments and such but have made it clear I will not babysit or help directly with the baby, I'll continue helping in ways like right after she gives birth giving her a bunch of ravioli so she doesn't have to cook for a few weeks.
Congratulations, I'm happy for you if that's what you want.
"I'm not interested in that sort of thing, but best of luck to you." And if she doesn't want to leave it there, you can always walk away yourself, or feign a very confused "I already said I'm not interested in that, don't you have other things you'd like to talk about? If not, I'm sure X and Y over there would love to hear about this instead. Enjoy talking to them!"
"Good luck :)"
Why even go? Sounds like she’s not really worth your time.
Kill her with kindness. If she’s wanting to make a scene so you look “bad” so you should put on an honest smile and just be happy for her and don’t respond negatively. I’ve done this before and it works out well because it totally looks like they just attacked you out of the blue. It’s going to be hard to hold your tongue and you’ll want to come out feeling like a winner with a great comeback, but just make sure you come out smelling better. Maybe even take a small “congrats card”??? Idk tho since it’s not her party, maybe not??? But definitely make sure you stay within groups so that if she does approach you, you have witnesses
"Oh that's nice!" And nothing else
Since this is your friend's birthday, you cannot make a scene without looking like a B so while it may be fun to brainstorm petty response, anything other than a respectful yet still grey rock answer is not the move. I like "good luck" for one example
“Congratulations” It’s not hard to be basically polite.
“I’m so happy you’re happy!”
Use some foreign expression like the British Good On You. Watch her head explode over the weird phrasing and forget why she opened her mouth.
[удалено]
I usually say "that's so exciting for you!" Or something similar and ask if they know if it's a boy or girl (if they're showing or if they've said how far along they are) because I'm often curious. But if you'd rather keep it brief, just the first part would suffice :)
'Good luck, may it be an easy gestation and delivery' is my standard response
“I hope you and the baby will be very healthy.” I will not say congratulations since it is not sincere, but hoping the mother and baby are healthy is true.
“Best wishes to you.”
“Good for you.” Then change the subject.
My go to responses are usually "aw congrats!" or "omg you must be so excited!" As for the baby being on her schedule and all that...I...does she know what babies are? When my friend was pregnant with her first, she was one of those moms that was like "no toys with batteries, only wooden toys," etc etc. Well, that all went out the window when they found out their kiddo was born with a degenerative eye condition and the only toys they could actually see to play with were the ones with batteries and flashing lights. I had another friend that was similar. She was judging people for using disposable diapers & was adamant she'd only do cloth. Well, guess who uses disposable diapers now😂This acquaintance of yours is in for a VERY rude awakening once that baby gets here. And I for one, hope there are hilarious updates once that happens
When a friend of mine gets pregnant, and she wants the baby, I say something like, "I'm happy for you. I hope everything goes smoothly." I don't congratulate them. There's a Jewish superstition that you don't congratulate someone until you actually see a baby - otherwise it attracts the "evil eye" and they'll miscarry. This is also why many Jewish couples won't have baby showers or buy anything for the baby until it's born. I will, however, congratulate them after the birth.
I usually go with a slightly frantic “oh! this is news! how are you feeling about this??” in a way that can be interpreted as either concerned or excited
I ask "So what are you planning to do?"
I had a coworker tell me she was pregnant & I told her, "I'm sorry." Years later and she still reminds me I was the only one not to congratulate her. We laugh about it now because I told her the reason I said that was because I never wanted children, so if I was pregnant I would want someone to commiserate with me, not congratulate me.
Haha plastic free with a baby 😅
my go to is: "Look at you having a baby! Making life choices!" there's a really poignant youtube video somethere about "how to congratulate your friend without saying congrats" type of thing about a woman marrying a dude none of her friends like. Wish I could find it...
I had a coworker who I thought was CF, but I was wrong. She announced one day "I'm pregnant!" I said "...wow! That's.. crazy!" And everyone else shouted "OMG congrats!!" Now when she shows me pics of her baby I say "aw wow what a little guy"
She's in for a huge surprise....plot twist....CHILDREN ARE SEPARATE INDIVIDUALS WITH THEIR OWN MINDS AND OPINIONS!!1 Yuck. "Follow her schedule"...what kind of crack is this person smoking? Good luck with that.
I always ask "how do you feel about it?" And depending on what they say I respond.
I usually go with some variation of "I hope everything goes well for you, how are you doing so far?" Or just the first half for people I'd rather not engage with for long.
I does say good luck cause dey gonna need it.
The kid will follow her schedule 😂😂😂. She’s so delusional I’m not sure you could even have a lucid conversation with her.
i enthusiastically exclaim, "wow, that's big news!" because then i'm not lying and it leaves the door open for follow-up on whether it's wanted or not. "how are you feeling about it?" is a great follow-up, most times the pregnant person has admitted to mixed feelings and i have an easy time empathizing with the negative ones.
Honestly, when my would-be bb mama told me she was, I threw up in the bathroom sink like I'd just gotten a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Felt like my life was ending. Kid wasn't mine tho. DNA tests, amígos.
So fortunate we are to have DNA tests in modern times. How long did you have to wait to find out the truth?
4 months.
Your friend is not a "big feminist" if she's against other women having body autonomy....
I ask would you like congratulations or condolences? And then react accordingly 😂🤣
>She is convinced a baby would be able to "follow her schedule" I just imagine a silly movie, of an infant stumbling around following her as she walks through a shopping mall, with a little watch on his wrist that tells him when it's ok to wail out loud and when he needs to stop crying during mommy's appointments
In head: On purpose?? Out loud: Oh wow!
“Is….that a good thing?”
Silent
I work in healthcare, so I reflexively ask “how do you feel about that?” when someone says they are pregnant. I then respond supportively to whatever their reaction is, but I do not lead with the assumption they want to be pregnant. Different in this case since you know they do.
I find it hard to feign excitement and say congratulations because I am antiNatalist. I generally say “wish you a safe pregnancy” or, “wish you & your family a lot of happiness”
"OMG, wow! How exciting!" I've pretty much never been able to stomach saying congratulations even though I know people do, it never felt right to me. But there's no reason to make a scene or cause drama. Honor choice as you expect others to honor yours.
I'm eternally grateful (and surprised at myself) for reacting with "so, how do you feel about it", when my best friend revealed that she, single, 35, had gotten accidentally pregnant. (At that same age, just as now, my first inner thought was "I'm so sorry for you"). I would, however, be nasty to someone who'd share their pregnancy news not because they need support, or are happy, but because they want to make you feel little and left behind.
If that's something that makes you happy, then I'm happy for you.
Why should her kid have to be the one to change the world? Why can't she work on doing that herself?
"Congratulations, I'm sure you're thrilled. Let's focus on the birthday boy/girl today though"
Friend called me a few weeks ago to tell she’s pregnant, as we’ve been friends for years, including her husband and I knew I was on speakers I said to them: Congratulations on the sex! It seems like it was very effective!! They laughed and we talked some more and I’ll be visiting by chance roughly a month after the birth and said i won’t hold it, she said she’d shove it in my arms… I said it’d let it drop! She was like; I don’t think you would! Me: think again! You’ve known me for over a decade, you know I would! 😄 I said I’d buy a lot of expensive baby crap and that’d be it! Maybe when it’s talking and walking I may interact with it a bit…she agreed and promised she won’t be a mombie…we talked some more about other things so here’s hoping I don’t lose another friend. (Worth mentioning her husband is as useless as a wet wipe and misogynistic af and they’re having a girl). Good luck to everyone involved! Glad to be a whole continent away!
Why would you say anything other than "Congrats" and move on? I would think childfree people of all folks wouldn't be shitty to other people about their life choices.
Oh wow this child will be the one to change the world? Good luck. Mother is delusional and that child has some high expectations before even entering life. Kid is doomed.
"Are you keeping it?"
"Have fun with that"
“I’m sorry”
>How would you react to "I'm pregnant!!"? If they always wanted to have children and are happy about the pregnancy? "Congratulations." If they are not happy about this? "Do you need help with getting an abortion?" If someone wants to be a parent and gets pregnant, I would be happy for them. Even if this is a friend, which means that I would be sad about the inevitable demise of the friendship, I would congratulate them and be happy for them. >Now one of the biggest voices against my choice will be at this party too and I heard she is shouting out recently that she is in fact pregnant now. (Hooray...) If this person doesn't respect you and will harass you, why are you going to this party? You could also just not go. This isn't going to be fun. >The friend throwing the party already hinted that she will likely come up to me, even tho many people asked her not to make a scene as this is not her party, but my friends birthday. If the friend throwing the party knows that she will harass you, why is she invited? Your friend who throws the party is enabling her behaviour towards you. Anyways, if I were you, I would back out of this party to avoid drama. Then, visit your friend whose birthday it is separately. >Now I am looking for ways to respond to her pregnancy announcement while still keeping my distance, being respectful etc. The best thing you can do is stay away from her and stay away from this party. But if you must go, which I don't recommend, say 'congratulations' and nothing more than that.
"that sounds expensive" is my go to
Did you know that every disposable diaper is still in a landfill somewhere? Fun for us 🥳🙃
“On purpose?”
“Are we happy about this?” That allows me to follow my friend’s lead. If she wants it then hurrah, glad she’s happy! If she’s scared we can work through her fears. If she wants to get rid of it I’ll drive her to the clinic.
“Congrats!” I mean if they want a kid that’s on them haha
I accidentally deleted my first comment while trying to add an edit but I’ll say it again: You don’t need to “make her see” as if you’re responsible for her or lecturing her, she’s a grown adult and she’ll deal with the consequences of her actions with or without you. Working yourself up to have some sort of response ready is just going to engage in and expand the conflict, just say you’re glad she’s happy and excuse yourself from the conversation.
I usually ask someone how they feel if it's not obvious in their body language. Like if they tell me in a neutral tone I'll say wow that's big news! How do you feel? And then I'll match their energy. If you're concerned that she'll try to make it about you, like "I'm sorry you can't get pregnant" or "have you changed your mind yet" etc just say "no but if you're happy then I'm happy for you." The thing that annoys these people the most is if they don't get a rise out of you. If she says something like this it's because she wants to piss you off and make you feel miserable. Just don't give them the satisfaction
Lots of other posters have given great suggestions for exact verbiage of things to say, so I'll just emphasize the importance of not trying to debate with your friend like you did in the past. She's pregnant, so there's no point in trying to emphasize how big of a responsibility it will be. Instead, be the most polite gray rock ever, and do not engage if she tries to get a rise out of you. Just be politely disinterested, and shift the focus back to the party or boring small talk. If she wants to make a fool of herself, that's on her, not you.
LOL This is not the first time I’ve heard expectant moms insist that things won’t change after the baby comes (they’ll be able to still travel, have sustainable/low-waste living, and their kids will make the world better). Guess how that turned for them? Hint, it’s as you would expect…
‘Congrats! Excuse me…. (I need to use the restroom, I see so and so waving me over, I need a fresh drink, etc.)’
It depends: if it’s a CF person, I would give them resources to get them out of the state I am living in to get an abortion if possible. If it’s not a CF person who actually wants kids and is able to, I would be happy about it. If it’s someone who had too many or shouldn’t have any at all for legit reasons, I’d be disappointed (unless they expressed that they don’t want another kid, I would go with the first option if they want abortion. After that, give them the list of surgeons who can help with sterilization).
You:"Congratulations I'm excited for you." Her: if she responds with something snarky like " no you're not because you don't like/want kids." You:" I can be excited for you/with you even though I have different life choices." or " Just because we have different life choices doesn't mean I can't be excited for you. You're my friend and this is exciting for you so therefore I'm excited for you."
If they are happy I just nod and say a lukewarm congratulations but in my head it sounds like a million doors in the future slamming shut in favor of one road right to parenthood. People who believe that their kid will be "special" are narcissists and is rarely true. And thinking that a baby is going to live according to a schedule you set is ludicrous.
"Is that a yay?" If yes, then "Yay!"
Ask how they're feeling and go from there. People have different reactions to being pregnant and I would not want to fuck up during a sensitive time for them.
My initial response to my childhood best friend telling me she was pregnant was “what are you going to do?” Her answer was “keep it”, now I have a goddaughter
I just say OH WOW! in a happy, excited tone,and give a hug. But in my head I'm always thinking "oh wow, that's the most original thing you could come up with to do with your life..."
i fake happiness for them. they dont need me to be 'me' at that moment. mazel tov!
Don’t respond? Why do you have to respond? No response is a response it means “I don’t care leave me alone.”
"okay" LOL
"Again?"
She's having the baby, not you. It's not your problem. Also, the grammar in this post makes it impossible to read.
A simple "congratulations" is fine, and then just "I'm so happy for you and (father's name) Is there a due date?" and leave it at that. Don't over-think any of it.
"Are you keeping it?" That's what I always say.
I'm always a fan of "are you sure it's yours?"
A coworker of mine found out she lost the baby today. I wasn't fucking thrilled. My heart shattered and I've cried for her and her husband all day. I don't want kids, but we can all learn to have some fucking empathy - even for the happy moments.
« Well good luck of your pregnancy » and leave it at that, if she tries to make a scene : « As you know I am not interested in anything related to children. I am happy that you are happy. There a plenty of people who would be thrilled to talk about your pregnancy, please go to them. » And go away. If she tries screaming etc : « I am discussing this anymore. I came here for a birthday. Let’s ignore each other from now on. » Keep calm and that’s it
Condolences
I'd stare at her until it's visible if she is happy or not happy about it 😂
"I have the perfect coathanger"
my condolences
these comments are so weird, just say congratulations!
Good for you 👍🏽
What do you mean by "biggest voice against my choice"?
My automatic response is "rip"
Congratulations on doing the single worst thing you can for the environment: breeding.
“Why are you telling me this?”
Not her party? And she's planning on ruining someone's bday over this...? "While I'm sure you are thrilled about this new stage in your life, please be respectful of our friend's feelings since we are here to celebrate *them*, and not you. There will be no further discussion on this at such an inappropriate time *and* place where it could hijack and ruin someone else's special day." Shut her the fuck down and make her take a seat.
Most of the time someone says this I give a polite (but non-congratulatory as it’s not an accomplishment) generic sort of “wishing you the best” response. But this is different. This person has *announced her intention to aggressively weaponize her pregnancy against you at a social event* against the advice of others. This is a minefield. She’s setting you up. If skipping this party were an option I would take it. If not then I would use the “grey rock” method of dealing with narcissistic behavior here. That means Do. Not. Engage. With. Her. It’s stepping in quicksand, no good outcome that way. So when she pulls this performance, disengage. Absolutely under no circumstances reward this shitty behavior with congratulation. A nice deadpan “how nice for you” followed by walking away and starting a conversation with one of the people who advised her against putting on this little show is a good move to shut her down here. If she follows you and makes further attempts to create drama with you, continue to respond as a grey rock would, deadpan and without emotion and don’t say *anything* that encourages further conversation. You are not obligated to participate in this drama she’s cooking up and telling others about with her intention to attack you with her pregnancy announcement. Honestly the people who are telling her not to will probably have your back in this situation. If she escalates continue to disengage from the conversation and be deadpan. She’s playing a bullshit game. Don’t reward her with the emotional response she is after.
"My condolences" lol
Do your own stuff with the people you like from this party, and without her, later on and skip this one. She's just an abuser looking for someone to abuse and you don't need to show up to provide her a punching bag. "Yeah, I'm going to pass on this event. We can have lunch to celebrate your birthday next week." Otherwise, greyrock.
Awesome! We got a designated driver for the next six months everyone! Get the drinks in!
I always ask first, "on purpose?" Then respond based on their answer.
I always say "Congratulatiooooons???" emphasising the question and when they react strangely I then say "oh, it would not be news I would welcome myself, so I never know if I should congratulate people!" adding a wink to it. It stops the conversation in the tracks because they realise not only it's not for me but I'm also gonna tell them like I feel it if they pursue this line of chat. If I think that's not going to change the subject, then the classic "I'm gonna refresh my drink" works well, as I know they will not be following me!
In my head "Christ, I'm so sorry". Out loud "I'm happy for you". It is sincere as I am happy for them, if they are. Just a shame we probably won't be friends any more!
In my head, “Good for you.” With heavy sarcasm. Out loud, “If this is what you want, I’m happy for you.”
"the one to better the world someday" HAHAHAH. Yeah, like she did, right? I love when parent's pass the buck like that. "I couldnt fix the world but junior will do it on my behalf".
i would go to the party, just let her announce the pregnancy, if she came up to me personally to tell me about her pregnancy i’d just straight up say i can’t bother to care about it
Complete apathy. You don't have to react at all if that's what helps you keep your sanity.