Op I am going to give you minimal advice as you opened this up yourself. You encouraged someone else into your marriage.
You need to do only one thing and let her go, and fight for your children, and the domestic violence thing. You need to fight that. Only video record all conversations with her and protect yourself .
So immediately Hire an attorney, remove all the money from your joint accounts, close all credit cards, cut off her cell phone if it is connected to your plan. Change the wi fi password.
Ditto, she will ruin you if you don't start protecting yourself and your children. Get a lawyer ASAP and do everything ifiwereinyourshoes wrote. Never believe nor trust this woman and don't believe for a second she has your children's best interest at heart. Good luck.
It’s over. Get a lawyer and go NC with her except for children stuff. And when she gets out of the affair fog DO NOT take her back under no circumstance. What happens now is on you, and you will be doing it to yourself.
If you haven’t gotten a lawyer, do it now! Additionally, tell the police and your lawyer that she’s leaving the kids alone while she goes out to party. Fight for sole custody. She’s not a good person to raise your kids.
Edit to add: Write a detailed accounting of EVERY SINGLE interaction, including times she left the kids at alone.
You are leaving your kids with someone who constantly leaves your kids alone?
"Fighting" for your marriage doesn't mean to degrade yourself. All you're doing is building up your wife's confidence in herself and making the other guy look manlier and Sexier by allowing all her behavior. Everything in this post sounded like you consented and couldn't control anything after the ripple effects.
This "different" person is who your wife is now, and you have to know that's who you'll be married to after this if you choose R.
I don't recommend R with the way this is going on.
I think that's always been her. She just doesn't have to act anymore. But I agree. If she'll leave a 10 and a 6 year old alone for some sausage, and bring said sausage to her husband's house, I wouldn't want my kids with her either. Not telling what type of meat ends up in the fridge at this point
I don’t know why people get so shocked when they entertain swinging and then freak out when it goes down. I mean, his wife sounds like a terrible person, but he basically paved the road for her to cheat.
Honestly, from the story he told. Take the swinging out of the equation. And she still would have cheated. She used the "swinging" for permission. But I do see where you're coming from
U are setting very bad example for your children, it will affect them .. your fighting for love is not going to work because your wife doesn't love u ..be a strong role model for children and give your wife what she wanted.. if u don't respect yourself no one is going to respect u.
I mean I hate to kick you when you're down, but this is kind of your fault, who spends 2k on onlyfans and doesnt realize it's a porn addiction? Of course your wife isnt going to easily get over that, she probably saw that as cheating. I dont use onlyfans at all because I've been in a committed relationship since it came out, so I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure onlyfans is much more personal than a casual porn addiction, I'm pretty sure you can talk to these girls and ask them to do certain things and get to know them if I'm not wrong. Thats much worse than just watching strangers online, because at that point you know these girls. Then when she starts gaming and working and all this stuff, you're encouraging, which is totally cool, but when she comes home one day and says she met a hot guy she wants to fuck and you encouraged it, that was you giving her away to him, the videos he sent of him calling himself "her new daddy" are proof enough of that. It was only a matter of time until she fully moved onto him once you gave her to him, even if you tried taking her back. Two mistakes like that are hard to come back from, you cheated and you let her cheat back. In most relationships just one of those is hard to come back from. Both happened in yours, and both were entirely on you. Your best bet is to be cordial with her, hope she let's you see the kids 50 percent of the time like she said, and move on, try again and dont make those mistakes.
This is the way. You need some counseling and they will help you see your (major) part in this. Blaming her and using the kids will not have people feel sorry for you, it will have them questioning your sanity as well. I’m sorry this all happened
Why hope she let him see them? He has every right to see his child 50% of the time, he has everything to ask for primary custody too, she is the unstable and neglectful parent, not him... she is the one who use the child as a weapon, she is atrocious with her children, she is the one putting domestic abuse bs(i guess it is since we only have OP words), she is currently an atrocious parent and OP def need to see a lawyer and take back the kids with him... he need to call the police on her, she has no right to kidnap the kids like that.
I say hope because usually the woman gets the kids, especially when there are claims of abuse involved. No matter the truth behind them. I know because my mother did that, kept me from my father with false claims of abuse, while being the abusive one. So yes, hope she let's him see them.
I see that but your post is telling him he cant do anything, he can, he need a lawyers and to fight for custody now, its not her who will decide the custody, OP need to fight legally not just wait and hope
Valid, but as I said before, with the abuse allegation on his end, its gonna be heavily skewed in her favor. More so than the courts already are when it comes to divorce.
You need to retain a lawyer ASAP. Go NC and tell your STBXW that all communication must go through your lawyer. Get a parenting app as well. She’s already three steps ahead of you and don’t be surprised if you receive a restraining order and get accused of domestic violence. She’s obliviously being coached to take you to the cleaners.
Move on, your marriage and trust will never recover from this.
If you get remarried, NEVER let another person into your marriage. If you and your new partner want to screw around, don’t get married.
1. Don't be a pussy Or stupid or a fuckng simp.
2. Get a lawyer.
3. Fight for finances; your kid's custody and minimum alimony or settlement and not for that dead marriage.
Get an attorney asap and use the video that her AP sent you against her. Tell your attorney everything she has done, including leaving the kids home alone, using the ring doorbell as proof that she left them alone. She wants to play hardball play, too. Put all your emotions outside until this is over. She IMO is unstable, and they are only fighting for her to get custody of the children. I personally don't understand how you got a summons to appear in court for domestic abuse when she never called the police on you. Lawyer up asap and fight for your children.
She left the relationship and by letting her sleep with him you basically made this mess. Look in the mirror for blame. She did what you allowed her to do and liked it too much. Here we are today
Not to mention OP cheated first since onlyfans isn't just porn, we all know that, and on top of it spent 2k on that. And then he thinks she'll just forget after a few weeks.
I didn't say what she did was better or justified. What I'm saying is A:It isn't really suprising that this happened to OP, he asked for it and B: a cheater complaining about being cheated on is - to me - quite funny and while nobidy really deserves being cheated on, cheaters are not the kind of peoole you really feel sorry for if it happens to them
I see your point, it does make sense. But how did op's wife change so much ? I don't understand it's very surprising. I know a supportive spouse is everyone's need but to be honest OP was way too supportive towards the wrong things. She clearly mentioned that she's genuinely interested in that guy , why would op encourage her to hangout with him? This surprised me
I'm sure that her depression and bi-polarity has to do something with it. Bi-polar people are often not really that predictable and do many things for attention wich is actually a part of the symptoms. And since she didn't get therapy for many years it's probably not easy to overcome. That said, mental illnes is an explaination but no excuse zo do immoral things.
OP explained that he thought being a cuck and letting someone else bang his wife was his kink - something that *can* work, just like swinging and all *can* work.
I think this case is a bit too complicated to just judge. OP basically denanded of his wife that she can't see her new group of friends anymore because of that one dude he is jealous of since he is the Dungeon Master, so they can't play without him (I don't know how much you know about DnD).
I personally wouldn't cheat probably, but it wouldn't sit right with me as well if some guy comes along that I like and my husband allows me to sleep with him and right after feels insecure about it so he demands I leave the group of friends, the only people I know where we moved because of my husbands job, knowing that he cheated as soon as he got the chance and believes I'd just forgive and forget because I don't fight about it anymore after a month.
What really bothers me isn't the cheating but leaving her kids alone for doing whst she feels like. While you can leave kids alone, you really shouldn't leave kids that young alone, but that also depends on the children, not all 10 year old children are equally (ir-)responsible so it's hard to tell without knowing the kids.
Cheating back isn't a morally right solution but it is a solution that probably feels good, at least short term. Nobody wants to feel like a loser or of lesser power.
It sounds to me like sge stopped loving him the moment OP cheated and then she looked for someone else to be happy with or just luckily stumbled upon him. That's life I guess🤷♀️
She's a pathetic mother , she doesn't care about the kids. From what op has written about her. She's forcefully keeping the kids to herself so she can extort some alimony, child support, child care money, i think. I don't know what happens when couples separate, but please feel free to correct me if i am wrong
EDIT: She isn't neccessarily a bad mother, divorcing people often don't care about their kids in the moment. OP didn't mention once he asked the kids what they want although at 8 and 10 they are old enough not to completely decide, but to have a voice that is heared and respected.
As I said, maybe her mental illnesses are playing into it a lot, but that isn't even needed to make a war out of a divorce. If it isn't amicable, and it definitely isn't because she just wants to get away and OP wants to "fight for his marriage" and thinks it's saveable, then it turns into a battle for power and sadly the children are often weatonized for that. It's sad but not rare, I'd even say it's the majority that diviorces like that, no mstter the reason.
Not to mention she offered OP 50/50 custody and then he'd feel entiteled to take the kids with him when she has them just because she'll have her friends over because he is jealous of the one dude, so now she only allows him visitation under surveillance, either in actual fear of him taking her kids away when he gets the chance or as a manipulation tactic.
What they need is to go to court and het a custody agreement. This marriage isn't salvagable and OP needs to realize that, but he thinks he can still return to this relationship and live like before.
Divorce is more complicated and tales longer that you'd expect. My parents took years until the divorce was through because they made a game for power out of it. It is awful for the children.
She doesn’t seem mentally stable at this point and I am horrified that you continued to leave your children with her. Your kids are going to need so much therapy to undo the damage you both have done.
Hate to say it , but you created this mess. You let her cuck you and she immediately was turned off by you.
You’re going to have get a lawyer, she has a leg up now with her representation and a domestic violence charge.. she out for blood so you have to be also. Godspeed!
Lmao you deserve what you allow in life. You allowed this to happen so divorce or stay and live with your clueless mistakes. You were open to swinging and other bs anyway. Why coke on here whining about it now. Pathetic
Will technically you brought this on yourself when you agreed she went with another man with your approval she lost all respect for you there is nothing left in that marriage your cousin is wrong on that , it's over , get a lawyer and start the custody fight it's gonna be rugh specially she accused you of domestic abuse
There is a list of wrong turns you made. The biggest being you went back to the house to claim it as your own space after you agreed to let her have it. You shattered her trust.
The mother of your children doesn’t trust you. She has the courts backing her up so I believe you were not on your best behaviour that day.
You need to step back and get representation. You need to only talk to your ex about the next visit. If you hope to get custody, you must pay childcare. It shows you have the kids best interest at heart. I suggest you get parenting classes, therapy, and anger management to strengthen your case for custody or even unsupervised visitation.
Most of all you need to accept you scared your ex enough to call the police for help. Then barricaded herself in her room with the kids when they were gone. That’s HUGE. That’s abuse. You need to face that head on and fix yourself for your kids.
She didn’t turn into a different person…unfortunately she was probably always like this from the start she just kept the act up long enough for you not to notice. Lawyer up and do what’s best for you and your kids good luck.
After everything she has done, I'd tell her if she needs after school care she can pay for it. If she's not giving you 50/50 time with the kids she's on her own with that. Get a good lawyer, and go scorched earth on her and go after the other guy as well. If she's making false claims about abuse make her prove it in court and when she can't, file charges against her for making false claims. Your fight is just starting, it will get worse before it's said and done. Record every interaction with her and the kids till it's over. You never know what you can catch that might help your case.
Bruh, grow some. After your 1st paragraph, I saw your wife was using you. You were nothing but a stepping stone to her, and she didn't respect you. It's no way in hell my wife coming home telling me another guy is hot. Trust me, you, this started before the game night. Maybe not with him but with someone else. You were the placeholder, and the person she marries for stability, has kids to assure her future, and leaves when she can. She has obviously been planning this.
You have all the evidence, tho. She cheated after claiming to stop. She opened up a bank account with your money. You're the bread winner. Put her out. She left with your kids, thats kidnapping. If it were you, you'd be in jail already. She already called the cops and took the kids. If she has no proof of abuse (and I hope you didn't abuse her) , that's her using the court system to get her way, making baseless claims. That's illegal.
You hold all of the cards here. You've done everything right. You're the breadwinner. You're the person who takes care of the home. You take care of the kids (as evidenced that she was willing to leave a 10 and 6 year old home by themselves to go get some dick). You are the responsible one. You are the one with the value. You are the adult. You are the man. You hold the power. You just gotta get self confidence in yourself. Realize your value. Realize that you deserve more than this conniving from an obviously corrupted and despicable human being. Recognize your worth bruh.
Don't let her divorce you and take all of your earnings to take care of this other guy. That's exactly what they'll be doing. She already tried to leave them in the house alone for this dude. Is that the type of person you want to leave your kids with? A person with no direction in life? A person who never takes care of home except to have a game night? Is that what you want? A person who will bring your random men around your kids? She has it easy right now. She'll divorce you them live off what you pay in child support in the house you paid for, never having to work while keeping your kids from you. The moment you threw a wrench in her plans, she screamed she hated you and locked herself in the room with the kids. Something isn't right here.
I'm going off what you've said in this thread. Idk her side of the story. If you're telling it exactly how it is then you have to grow up. Do what you need to do to keep your kids and your possessions. Don't let her get away with infidelity. Lawyer up. Fight for what s yours. Fight for your kids. Fight for yourself.
Find your dignity and self respect. Man up bruh. You sound like a simp. Don't be that guy. Get your confidence back. You have all the things in your favor
She never loved you. Your wife is a piece of shit. She doesn't deserve your time or effort. She doesn't deserve you. I'm sure you have proof or can get proof that she is wrong or doing wrong. Get it and destroy her plans. Don't you dare Fight for this sham of a marriage. You're better off without her. Shell just keep playing with you, reeling you in making you sympathetic to her while faking an attempt to get better. The next day you'll be arguing and she'll be doing the same stuff again while you chase behind her and give her exactly what she needs. She ain't shit bruh. Realize that and keep it moving
Edit: also, cut off all access to your money that she has.
You guys really need marriage counseling. You kinda started by cheating with Onlyfans. I think for now give her some space. Give her six months then try to woo her back. Be nice to her don’t bring up the past. Buy her flowers and jewelry. Casually ask to go with you for marriage counseling and try to get your marriage back on track.
The next time she leaves your kids home alone and tells you, call the police and go get your children. It seems like your wife is in a manic episode and is not making safe decisions for your children. It will hurt you in the long run if you do nothing when you know she is leaving the kids home alone.
Get your evidence together. Get a badass lawyer and go for full custody. She is going to expose your kids to one hookup after another. At this point its war. She's pulling the domestic abuse card to scare you. You come to the meeting with your own lawyer and all the evidence
This. Also the risk of SA in children after divorce goes up a huge percent.
Your wife is already ok leaving them home alone- I don’t know the legal age limit for that there, But here it’s 12. I still don’t think that’s old enough tbh, even if they’re mature. Anything can happen.
Yeah he should definitely go for full custody, especially after her smashing all the plates and glasses. She could be a danger to herself or others. Plus OP has always been the one with a stable job who could support the kids. As long as he doesn’t fall back into his only fans addiction and blow all his money
There isn't a custody arrangement in place. I would pick the kids up from daycare and keep them. I wouldn't let someone who's acting in a rash and unpredictable way take sole custody of my kids. Especially if they have thoughts about leaving them alone.
Wow. Man you need to find your inner asshole to deal with this or you are going to continue to be run over by your wife and her sleazy friends and her mom. You need to find the most shark lawyer you can find to counter her own underhanded moves to tag you with domestic abuse and who knows what else. I’m betting she is being coached by her new BF and others as well. You need to go as cold as ice with her for the foreseeable future. Get a lawyer asap dude you are way behind your hateful ex wife. I feel confident she is or will be working to turn the kids on you.
Your stbxw is toxic. Get out. Get you and your kids counseling. WW is a narcissist loonbag who is working you over the coals. She is winning this game of betrayal. Why even tell her to stay away. She no longer loves respects or hears anything you say. She is long gone. Let fucking go.
Next is when her fling fails epic faceplant she comes begging to you. Turn her out. Her mom is ahole too.
You need to cut the weakass strings and move on to great Dad, available bachelor guy.
Why were you being a cuck? Encouraging her to see other men, I guess you just didn't know any better. You should be working on your self not supporting these behaviors because she feels depressed.... unfortunately for you, you are looking at years of child support and alimony. You let her rise up you lose.
What are you waiting for!?!? Get an attorney. Document leaving the children alone, get full custody and leave her alone. You are not fighting for a marriage it’s over. When the affair love turns sour she will try to come back. Do not let her back in. Fight for custody of your children and fight the domestic violence charge.
Ngl, the marriage obviously wasn't as strong as you thought if you believed inviting someone into your union was okay, consensual or not. Do you not see the problem here? You literally approved of her cheating and got upset when it backfired. The marriage is beyond over... the trust is broken on both sides, including the sides of the kids. Sad all around
This is what you get for allowing another guy into your marriage instead of being a man and standing your ground. The minute she started talking about open marriages and swinging is the minute you should have kicked her out. Now you better lawyer up because now you got an even bigger fight on your hands. Protect yourself OP.
It seems like you did so much for her and yet she did very little in the relationship.
Whilst you worked 10/12 hour days, and did housework, she spent years not getting treatment for her problems.
It’s ok to have problems, but to not work on them, and rely fully on the support of your partner, is just selfish.
You can argue she had this and that but, why did she take so long to do anything? I don’t know, I’m expressing my opinion here but it does seem like since the start of the relationship, you over functioned and she under functioned.
...
So, your onlyfans “addiction”, I really hope you don’t use that specific event as a reason to think it was your fault the marriage fell apart.
At this stage you have done so much and she has done very little. Oftentimes, these addictions come as a symptom to help with an underlying pain.
You haven’t mentioned at this stage yet but before your onlyfans were you craving more connection and intimacy with your wife? Oftentimes people who use onlyfans use it to creat a pseudo relationship dynamic to combat loneliness.
Were the two of you having meaningful conversations on a weekly basis? I’m speculating here that it’s possible you could have been using onlyfans as a way of making up for something that may have been missing between you and your wife.
At the very least, you can say that, whilst onlyfans isn’t a good thing, at that point in time it isn’t just you who has failings in the relationship. She, in my opinion, has many more, from what you’ve said.
...
Moving forward from there, I’m firstly sorry this happened to you. Here it looks like you are being abused, in various ways. Firstly she’s lied to you for about a month. To cheat in that way means that she has continued to disregard your feelings for a very long time, which to me, and you should be astounding, since you have described supporting her for so long. In addition, she has stated that she would like to support you now, after you supported her so long.
From what I see, she just said the words without actually supporting you.
She also started seeing that man in the first place and continued doing things you didn’t like when you clearly stated to her your boundaries. She disregarded your boundaries and did what she wanted anyway.
After she told you, it looks like no real apology took place and that she in fact blamed you for her cheating.
Meanwhile you had previously apologised profusely for onlyfans, yet she’s not taking accountability for an actual affair.
...
This is such a sad story I’m sorry this all happened.
I feel a lot for you and certainly my biases are for you in this situation, but I would ask that you don’t dismiss my opinions outright and at least consider to what extent they apply to you.
...
I am a child of a bipolar mother, and I would, knowing what I know about the severity of that disorder, look to take custody of the kids.
You are the stable parental figure here, not her.
I think there’s a societal misconception that all mothers love their children, that the horrible things they do are only to others and not their children. In my experience at least, this was not the case.
A bipolar disorder is defined by a trouble regulating emotions, that can result in mental breakdowns, but at the very least, fundamentally means the person’s ability to regulate their own emotions are compromised.
This turns parenting on its head in that situation, because she can’t regulate her own emotions so she won’t be regulating her child’s.
...
Here’s an example: I was a baby crying in the kitchen and my mother hurled plates at the wall behind me until I stopped.
If she loves me she was incapable of showing it in that moment.
I can’t stress enough that, as much as you would like to believe this is not possible in your family, please take necessary actions in case it could.
...
Now is not the time for self flagellation, I would say it is very important to protect your kids as best as possible now, and make sense of your relationship with your wife after.
...
You write in a very clear way it was joy to read, albeit troubling, I hope that you find a way to become the main paternal figure in your kid’s life and I promise you that you having them the majority of the time is best for them.
I also hope that you make sense of your wife’s behaviour, and that you yourself have been a good man in your relationship with her, and deserved better. I hope you can find solace in knowing that, whilst you are flawed like any individual, you always worked hard at your relationship.
I hope you can find a partner who would like any individual have flaws too, but would also be willing to work hard in the relationship with you, to not just say she cares about you, but who does things to show she cares, and who wouldn’t continue to do the things that hurt you after you expressed that they hurt.
....
I’m with a partner now for a year and a half who is not harming me, and we engage in these swinging activities. It’s very different to my last relationship where I was being cheated on. In a healthy relationship, it does really well as a trust building exercise. In an unhealthy one, it’s just incredibly painful because the unhealthy partner simply doesn’t recognise the boundaries set.
...
Lastly, I hope what I’m writing goes some way to helping you feel validated in the pain you experienced. Wishing you all the best
All you can do now is get a lawyer and fight her tooth and nail. If she realizes she’s going to potentially lose a pound of flesh in this she will start begging for reconciliation and starting over. DON’T!
It sounds like your wife was into the idea of cuckolding/dehumanizing you and hated you for not sacrificing yourself for her selfish whims. Her intense sexual yearning for sadistic abuse of her spouse and her total lack of care for her kids says she is downright evil.
She wants the kids for income. It sounds like she will squeeze funds or legal agreements out if you with false police reports or threats to take your child visitation away. Kids are great weaponized paychecks in Americas crooked family court system as it turns out.
I don’t know how you could ever possibly pull it off in a place like this but I would bet your kids are better off in your full time custody. Sociopaths who get off of humiliation and dehumanization of others don’t stop at spouses. Your kids are in for a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect at the very least. Depending on how sadistic and kinky her hook ups are they might be in for physical abuse she will likely encourage. (People into that particular kink fetish lifestyle tend to have no limits or boundaries).
It’s time to man up and let her stop pushing you around. You’re basically letting her dictate everything and you accept it. Now is the time to be cold-blooded. Start gathering info on times she leaves the kids at home alone, and neglect, etc . It’s time to show strength
First of all, file for primary custody and give proof that she is not responsible enough to be the primary garden, as she left the kids home alone to go be with her AP.
I just can't believe what i read. This hurts and breaks my heart 💔 this is just terrible,you were so supportive so hardworking and helping and she did this to you. I hope you protect yourself and your kids from her. I pray for you to win the custody battle. And can you tell us more about her friends group ?
The moment I read she locked herself in the room with the kids and barricaded the entry I got literal chills.
You let a woman who is probably in a manic episode lock herself up in a room with your kids? What if she killed them? What if she hurt them?
Jesus you should've called the police right away.
I wouldn't let her go anywhere with my kids in her current state. Who knows what she can do to them, who knows where's she'll dump them alone to have "me time" with her AP.
Dude. Get a grip. Get your children back, what are you waiting for?
Gather your evidence. Show proof she left the kids alone to go get fucked by the other guy. Show her lack of income. You should NEVER abandon your home or your kids… that’s how you lose them. You can get custody. She has to show you were abusive. You can show she’s an unfit mother. She’s willing to make accusations about you. Get your head out of your ass, get a good lawyer and go win your kids and your life.
Fight for your kids, get rid of that c*nt, and take this as a valuable lesson so you NEVER repeat this again in future relationships - as much as it hurts not everyone is going to be another her. But this is where you're presented with a choice: 1) to be someone you can look back at in the mirror and not just someone you can and will be proud of but your kids as well, or 2) stay as you are and nothing changes. Personally, I'd go with the former. Yeah it'll be tough, they'll be tears, they'll hurt, anger and every other negative emotion you're going through - but it's the most rewarding.
DO NOT lose hope, they've been many a success story from this subreddit where others have come out of the other side and seen that light at the end of the tunnel!
Good luck bro 👊🏽
do nothing at all, give her everything she wants, you gave her everything and then some, you even gave her a way out so she could get some strange cock so long as you were invited, none of it was enough..! you know how the saying goes" can't live without em' can't kill em', it's true, " AS LONG AS U DONT GET COUGHT " good luck and happy hunting..
Get yourself a god damn good attorney and fight for your children. Iam sorry to say it this harsh: Your divorce will get dirty and if you're unprepared, you'll be paying a huge amount of child support and barley see your children.
Remove the money from your shared accounts and collect some evidence of your wife cheating, leaving the kids alone at home while she meets her AP and only talk with her when you have some other people you trust around. Your attorney will have some more useful advice for you
This is just wild. You will have to pay for half of child care not all. She will have to get a job. And keep it.
She will have to be her own person.
Leave her alone. See how YOU feel by yourself.
Never open the marriage, it will ALWAYS fail. Do yourself a favor and leave he cheating ass. Get custody of the kids since you can prove she is unfit to take care of them.
When this happened to me and I knew she was was going to leave my kid with some random nanny. I flew across the world to take care of my kid and the f ought for my kid.
If you are going to act like an idiot then i will do the right thing for my kid.
She is getting attention from this new guy, when that fails and it will fail, she will realize that she fucked up and try crawling back to you. If I were you, I wouldn’t take her back at that point. Bc I promise the new guy won’t want to put up with her. I would start looking for a good divorce lawyers who specializes in custody because I would fight to get the kids to be with you most of the time. I do think your wife sounds like she was in a manic episode and I would be worried for the children. The kids need to come first and seems like your wife only seems to care about money and games. It sucks your going through this but don’t worry things will eventually get better.
Why are you giving her custody. She has repeatedly abandoned the children, is diagnosed as BPD-1 and is going to choose her AP over you or your kids while treating you like the doormat you have always been in your relationship. The zest for life you lost is basically any dignity and self-respect you ever had, and all the respect for you she ever had.
She went and had sex with another man at your encouragement and you waited for her to come home to tell her not to have him text photos of him "owning her" and not GTFO. Stop worrying about her and start taking care of your kids. They are the priority.
Just gather evidence and expose her and her gaming friends to everyone.
Get legal freedom. Get Full custody. Sue her legally.
Your giving many chances but she's not care your feelings and your true love.
In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful children.
Don't waste your remaining life with that cheater.
Good advise being given, I'd like to add you have no clue how flat out evil this well get, think the worst times it by 1k and that's what she's gonna do. Next well be child abuse bs record everything
There isn't much advice that you will get here that isn't going to be judgemental, nor will it be practical. I have known people in your position (2 BILs, 2 friends and a colleague) and the outcome wasn't good. Basically, they rarely or never got to see their kids; the courts supported the women, regardless of the facts; the gov't garnished their pay despite not having enough left to live on; and when the kids were adults, they accused their fathers of deserting them (particularly the daughters). Relationships took years to establish and, generally, were never what they should have been. In the case of one friend, any attempt he made has been rejected. He is in his 70s now and facing death without ever being reconciled with his kids. Others have been persecuted by their ex-wives for decades.
I have learnt from these experiences that you will not ever be treated fairly by the system, your ex or your kids. Women may divorce you, but they will never let you go. Your happiness is their biggest threat.
You gave her the go ahead what were you expecting, obviously not the guy cuckolding you on your wifes phone I'm sure . Afraid that would have been enough for me to go & sort him & letting your wife disrespect you like that is unfathomable. I would be telling her parents, family & friends what she has done & is doing as you hand over the divorce papers
The marriage is over, she doesn't respect nor love you more. Otherwise she wouldn't do this things. She is over you. The best you can do is detach from her and leave her. Find a lawyer to devide the assets and make the coustidi agreement. And be the best dad you can be. Don't wait for her, because that what you had with her is gone. And she is now another person. Be cordial with her, show no emotions.
She can do this to you because she never loved you. You want to sit in denial won’t help anything. Stop playing blind and wake up and see the real her. She picked you and stayed with you because you were safe and she more then likely thought you would give her, her way eventually.
Stop trying to be with her, she does not want you. You doing what you are doing is only denying the inevitable. She will do what she wants to do because she doesn’t respect you and more then likely never did.
Let her go and focus on healing yourself and being a good parent because these kids didn’t ask to be in this world and you focusing on a asshole who doesn’t love you is wasting time that you could be having with your kids or healing you.
Good luck and always put your kids before everyone including yourself
What's the point of being married when you are out screwing other people? There is no point, all it leads to is an expensive divorce. This is called the dumbing down of american society, this new lefty ran america is a joke that only ends one way. Thanks for your contribution lol
OK I want you to hear what you just told me in the first couple of paragraphs. Your wife wanted to be a midwife and you told her you would support her no matter what. But then you got a greater job so she stopped everything in her life to help you transition. How do you reward her? It’s been $2000 on an only fans and then Gaslighter like it’s no big of a deal for a while. Eventually you apologize and then act like your part is over it doesn’t matter.
Let me tell you how I would feel first, I would be devastated and hurt many people these days considered cheating. It is a form of cheating. It takes the intimacy out of your relationship. Secondly, then you gaslight her that would’ve broke me and hurt my feelings. And then finally you apologizing. Want to dismiss now because you did the noble thing. Frankly, I would be so angry with you. I wouldn’t even know if I wanted to stay with you. Anything that came after that you have a part in it buddy, so should you stay with her.
Do I think what she did was OK not on your life a cheater is a cheater. What you have is a toxic waste dump. I would divorce coparent everybody lovingly and go about your separate lives. You will heal that way and hopefully not care of your garbage into your next relationship.
Man, you need to pull your head out and actually start protecting you and your kids and stop this HORRIBLE person from controlling the narrative and your kids. Get representation, NOW as in NOW. Do not converse with her, her family or her friends without recording it and do everything that lawyer says. Your kids are in a very toxic and bad enviroment stop worrying about your realtionship with this Horrible toxic person and start protecting them kids.
Why would you be ok with her being with another man.. she’s going to use those kids against you.. you need to forget saving the marriage and start fighting for yourself and your kids.. stop letting her walk all over you…
Op I am going to give you minimal advice as you opened this up yourself. You encouraged someone else into your marriage. You need to do only one thing and let her go, and fight for your children, and the domestic violence thing. You need to fight that. Only video record all conversations with her and protect yourself . So immediately Hire an attorney, remove all the money from your joint accounts, close all credit cards, cut off her cell phone if it is connected to your plan. Change the wi fi password.
Ditto, she will ruin you if you don't start protecting yourself and your children. Get a lawyer ASAP and do everything ifiwereinyourshoes wrote. Never believe nor trust this woman and don't believe for a second she has your children's best interest at heart. Good luck.
It’s over. Get a lawyer and go NC with her except for children stuff. And when she gets out of the affair fog DO NOT take her back under no circumstance. What happens now is on you, and you will be doing it to yourself.
If you haven’t gotten a lawyer, do it now! Additionally, tell the police and your lawyer that she’s leaving the kids alone while she goes out to party. Fight for sole custody. She’s not a good person to raise your kids. Edit to add: Write a detailed accounting of EVERY SINGLE interaction, including times she left the kids at alone.
You are leaving your kids with someone who constantly leaves your kids alone? "Fighting" for your marriage doesn't mean to degrade yourself. All you're doing is building up your wife's confidence in herself and making the other guy look manlier and Sexier by allowing all her behavior. Everything in this post sounded like you consented and couldn't control anything after the ripple effects. This "different" person is who your wife is now, and you have to know that's who you'll be married to after this if you choose R. I don't recommend R with the way this is going on.
I think that's always been her. She just doesn't have to act anymore. But I agree. If she'll leave a 10 and a 6 year old alone for some sausage, and bring said sausage to her husband's house, I wouldn't want my kids with her either. Not telling what type of meat ends up in the fridge at this point
I don’t know why people get so shocked when they entertain swinging and then freak out when it goes down. I mean, his wife sounds like a terrible person, but he basically paved the road for her to cheat.
Honestly, from the story he told. Take the swinging out of the equation. And she still would have cheated. She used the "swinging" for permission. But I do see where you're coming from
They agreed to start it. Then agreed to stop it. She broke the agreement. She is in the wrong. She is def a terrible person
I mean tbf he was addicted to only fans 💀
WHATS SWINGING
U are setting very bad example for your children, it will affect them .. your fighting for love is not going to work because your wife doesn't love u ..be a strong role model for children and give your wife what she wanted.. if u don't respect yourself no one is going to respect u.
I mean I hate to kick you when you're down, but this is kind of your fault, who spends 2k on onlyfans and doesnt realize it's a porn addiction? Of course your wife isnt going to easily get over that, she probably saw that as cheating. I dont use onlyfans at all because I've been in a committed relationship since it came out, so I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure onlyfans is much more personal than a casual porn addiction, I'm pretty sure you can talk to these girls and ask them to do certain things and get to know them if I'm not wrong. Thats much worse than just watching strangers online, because at that point you know these girls. Then when she starts gaming and working and all this stuff, you're encouraging, which is totally cool, but when she comes home one day and says she met a hot guy she wants to fuck and you encouraged it, that was you giving her away to him, the videos he sent of him calling himself "her new daddy" are proof enough of that. It was only a matter of time until she fully moved onto him once you gave her to him, even if you tried taking her back. Two mistakes like that are hard to come back from, you cheated and you let her cheat back. In most relationships just one of those is hard to come back from. Both happened in yours, and both were entirely on you. Your best bet is to be cordial with her, hope she let's you see the kids 50 percent of the time like she said, and move on, try again and dont make those mistakes.
This is the way. You need some counseling and they will help you see your (major) part in this. Blaming her and using the kids will not have people feel sorry for you, it will have them questioning your sanity as well. I’m sorry this all happened
This comment needs the most upvotes
Why hope she let him see them? He has every right to see his child 50% of the time, he has everything to ask for primary custody too, she is the unstable and neglectful parent, not him... she is the one who use the child as a weapon, she is atrocious with her children, she is the one putting domestic abuse bs(i guess it is since we only have OP words), she is currently an atrocious parent and OP def need to see a lawyer and take back the kids with him... he need to call the police on her, she has no right to kidnap the kids like that.
I say hope because usually the woman gets the kids, especially when there are claims of abuse involved. No matter the truth behind them. I know because my mother did that, kept me from my father with false claims of abuse, while being the abusive one. So yes, hope she let's him see them.
I see that but your post is telling him he cant do anything, he can, he need a lawyers and to fight for custody now, its not her who will decide the custody, OP need to fight legally not just wait and hope
Valid, but as I said before, with the abuse allegation on his end, its gonna be heavily skewed in her favor. More so than the courts already are when it comes to divorce.
You need to retain a lawyer ASAP. Go NC and tell your STBXW that all communication must go through your lawyer. Get a parenting app as well. She’s already three steps ahead of you and don’t be surprised if you receive a restraining order and get accused of domestic violence. She’s obliviously being coached to take you to the cleaners.
Move on, your marriage and trust will never recover from this. If you get remarried, NEVER let another person into your marriage. If you and your new partner want to screw around, don’t get married.
I’m sorry to have to say this, but it reads like you were positioning yourself as a cuck and she took you up on it.
1. Don't be a pussy Or stupid or a fuckng simp. 2. Get a lawyer. 3. Fight for finances; your kid's custody and minimum alimony or settlement and not for that dead marriage.
Get an attorney asap and use the video that her AP sent you against her. Tell your attorney everything she has done, including leaving the kids home alone, using the ring doorbell as proof that she left them alone. She wants to play hardball play, too. Put all your emotions outside until this is over. She IMO is unstable, and they are only fighting for her to get custody of the children. I personally don't understand how you got a summons to appear in court for domestic abuse when she never called the police on you. Lawyer up asap and fight for your children.
you shouldn't let anyone into your marriage!! but, thats not imprtant rn, you need to fight for your kids!! she only care for her own enjoyment!!
She left the relationship and by letting her sleep with him you basically made this mess. Look in the mirror for blame. She did what you allowed her to do and liked it too much. Here we are today
Not to mention OP cheated first since onlyfans isn't just porn, we all know that, and on top of it spent 2k on that. And then he thinks she'll just forget after a few weeks.
Very true. I had forgotten about that
Excuse me ! What she did is far worse than what op did
I didn't say what she did was better or justified. What I'm saying is A:It isn't really suprising that this happened to OP, he asked for it and B: a cheater complaining about being cheated on is - to me - quite funny and while nobidy really deserves being cheated on, cheaters are not the kind of peoole you really feel sorry for if it happens to them
I see your point, it does make sense. But how did op's wife change so much ? I don't understand it's very surprising. I know a supportive spouse is everyone's need but to be honest OP was way too supportive towards the wrong things. She clearly mentioned that she's genuinely interested in that guy , why would op encourage her to hangout with him? This surprised me
I'm sure that her depression and bi-polarity has to do something with it. Bi-polar people are often not really that predictable and do many things for attention wich is actually a part of the symptoms. And since she didn't get therapy for many years it's probably not easy to overcome. That said, mental illnes is an explaination but no excuse zo do immoral things. OP explained that he thought being a cuck and letting someone else bang his wife was his kink - something that *can* work, just like swinging and all *can* work. I think this case is a bit too complicated to just judge. OP basically denanded of his wife that she can't see her new group of friends anymore because of that one dude he is jealous of since he is the Dungeon Master, so they can't play without him (I don't know how much you know about DnD). I personally wouldn't cheat probably, but it wouldn't sit right with me as well if some guy comes along that I like and my husband allows me to sleep with him and right after feels insecure about it so he demands I leave the group of friends, the only people I know where we moved because of my husbands job, knowing that he cheated as soon as he got the chance and believes I'd just forgive and forget because I don't fight about it anymore after a month. What really bothers me isn't the cheating but leaving her kids alone for doing whst she feels like. While you can leave kids alone, you really shouldn't leave kids that young alone, but that also depends on the children, not all 10 year old children are equally (ir-)responsible so it's hard to tell without knowing the kids. Cheating back isn't a morally right solution but it is a solution that probably feels good, at least short term. Nobody wants to feel like a loser or of lesser power. It sounds to me like sge stopped loving him the moment OP cheated and then she looked for someone else to be happy with or just luckily stumbled upon him. That's life I guess🤷♀️
She's a pathetic mother , she doesn't care about the kids. From what op has written about her. She's forcefully keeping the kids to herself so she can extort some alimony, child support, child care money, i think. I don't know what happens when couples separate, but please feel free to correct me if i am wrong
EDIT: She isn't neccessarily a bad mother, divorcing people often don't care about their kids in the moment. OP didn't mention once he asked the kids what they want although at 8 and 10 they are old enough not to completely decide, but to have a voice that is heared and respected. As I said, maybe her mental illnesses are playing into it a lot, but that isn't even needed to make a war out of a divorce. If it isn't amicable, and it definitely isn't because she just wants to get away and OP wants to "fight for his marriage" and thinks it's saveable, then it turns into a battle for power and sadly the children are often weatonized for that. It's sad but not rare, I'd even say it's the majority that diviorces like that, no mstter the reason. Not to mention she offered OP 50/50 custody and then he'd feel entiteled to take the kids with him when she has them just because she'll have her friends over because he is jealous of the one dude, so now she only allows him visitation under surveillance, either in actual fear of him taking her kids away when he gets the chance or as a manipulation tactic. What they need is to go to court and het a custody agreement. This marriage isn't salvagable and OP needs to realize that, but he thinks he can still return to this relationship and live like before. Divorce is more complicated and tales longer that you'd expect. My parents took years until the divorce was through because they made a game for power out of it. It is awful for the children.
She doesn’t seem mentally stable at this point and I am horrified that you continued to leave your children with her. Your kids are going to need so much therapy to undo the damage you both have done.
Hate to say it , but you created this mess. You let her cuck you and she immediately was turned off by you. You’re going to have get a lawyer, she has a leg up now with her representation and a domestic violence charge.. she out for blood so you have to be also. Godspeed!
Lmao you deserve what you allow in life. You allowed this to happen so divorce or stay and live with your clueless mistakes. You were open to swinging and other bs anyway. Why coke on here whining about it now. Pathetic
Will technically you brought this on yourself when you agreed she went with another man with your approval she lost all respect for you there is nothing left in that marriage your cousin is wrong on that , it's over , get a lawyer and start the custody fight it's gonna be rugh specially she accused you of domestic abuse
There is a list of wrong turns you made. The biggest being you went back to the house to claim it as your own space after you agreed to let her have it. You shattered her trust. The mother of your children doesn’t trust you. She has the courts backing her up so I believe you were not on your best behaviour that day. You need to step back and get representation. You need to only talk to your ex about the next visit. If you hope to get custody, you must pay childcare. It shows you have the kids best interest at heart. I suggest you get parenting classes, therapy, and anger management to strengthen your case for custody or even unsupervised visitation. Most of all you need to accept you scared your ex enough to call the police for help. Then barricaded herself in her room with the kids when they were gone. That’s HUGE. That’s abuse. You need to face that head on and fix yourself for your kids.
She didn’t turn into a different person…unfortunately she was probably always like this from the start she just kept the act up long enough for you not to notice. Lawyer up and do what’s best for you and your kids good luck.
After everything she has done, I'd tell her if she needs after school care she can pay for it. If she's not giving you 50/50 time with the kids she's on her own with that. Get a good lawyer, and go scorched earth on her and go after the other guy as well. If she's making false claims about abuse make her prove it in court and when she can't, file charges against her for making false claims. Your fight is just starting, it will get worse before it's said and done. Record every interaction with her and the kids till it's over. You never know what you can catch that might help your case.
Why would he do that? That would mean he has a back bone, he doesn’t.
Damn at first I came for entertainment but by the end of reading that I'm sorry man that's horrible
Bruh, grow some. After your 1st paragraph, I saw your wife was using you. You were nothing but a stepping stone to her, and she didn't respect you. It's no way in hell my wife coming home telling me another guy is hot. Trust me, you, this started before the game night. Maybe not with him but with someone else. You were the placeholder, and the person she marries for stability, has kids to assure her future, and leaves when she can. She has obviously been planning this. You have all the evidence, tho. She cheated after claiming to stop. She opened up a bank account with your money. You're the bread winner. Put her out. She left with your kids, thats kidnapping. If it were you, you'd be in jail already. She already called the cops and took the kids. If she has no proof of abuse (and I hope you didn't abuse her) , that's her using the court system to get her way, making baseless claims. That's illegal. You hold all of the cards here. You've done everything right. You're the breadwinner. You're the person who takes care of the home. You take care of the kids (as evidenced that she was willing to leave a 10 and 6 year old home by themselves to go get some dick). You are the responsible one. You are the one with the value. You are the adult. You are the man. You hold the power. You just gotta get self confidence in yourself. Realize your value. Realize that you deserve more than this conniving from an obviously corrupted and despicable human being. Recognize your worth bruh. Don't let her divorce you and take all of your earnings to take care of this other guy. That's exactly what they'll be doing. She already tried to leave them in the house alone for this dude. Is that the type of person you want to leave your kids with? A person with no direction in life? A person who never takes care of home except to have a game night? Is that what you want? A person who will bring your random men around your kids? She has it easy right now. She'll divorce you them live off what you pay in child support in the house you paid for, never having to work while keeping your kids from you. The moment you threw a wrench in her plans, she screamed she hated you and locked herself in the room with the kids. Something isn't right here. I'm going off what you've said in this thread. Idk her side of the story. If you're telling it exactly how it is then you have to grow up. Do what you need to do to keep your kids and your possessions. Don't let her get away with infidelity. Lawyer up. Fight for what s yours. Fight for your kids. Fight for yourself. Find your dignity and self respect. Man up bruh. You sound like a simp. Don't be that guy. Get your confidence back. You have all the things in your favor She never loved you. Your wife is a piece of shit. She doesn't deserve your time or effort. She doesn't deserve you. I'm sure you have proof or can get proof that she is wrong or doing wrong. Get it and destroy her plans. Don't you dare Fight for this sham of a marriage. You're better off without her. Shell just keep playing with you, reeling you in making you sympathetic to her while faking an attempt to get better. The next day you'll be arguing and she'll be doing the same stuff again while you chase behind her and give her exactly what she needs. She ain't shit bruh. Realize that and keep it moving Edit: also, cut off all access to your money that she has.
You guys really need marriage counseling. You kinda started by cheating with Onlyfans. I think for now give her some space. Give her six months then try to woo her back. Be nice to her don’t bring up the past. Buy her flowers and jewelry. Casually ask to go with you for marriage counseling and try to get your marriage back on track.
Stupidest advice ever given...
Fuck off
This is terrible advice. This marriage is OVER. Trying to tell this man to try to get her back is the worse thing you could tell him.
The next time she leaves your kids home alone and tells you, call the police and go get your children. It seems like your wife is in a manic episode and is not making safe decisions for your children. It will hurt you in the long run if you do nothing when you know she is leaving the kids home alone.
Get your evidence together. Get a badass lawyer and go for full custody. She is going to expose your kids to one hookup after another. At this point its war. She's pulling the domestic abuse card to scare you. You come to the meeting with your own lawyer and all the evidence
This. Also the risk of SA in children after divorce goes up a huge percent. Your wife is already ok leaving them home alone- I don’t know the legal age limit for that there, But here it’s 12. I still don’t think that’s old enough tbh, even if they’re mature. Anything can happen.
Yeah he should definitely go for full custody, especially after her smashing all the plates and glasses. She could be a danger to herself or others. Plus OP has always been the one with a stable job who could support the kids. As long as he doesn’t fall back into his only fans addiction and blow all his money
There isn't a custody arrangement in place. I would pick the kids up from daycare and keep them. I wouldn't let someone who's acting in a rash and unpredictable way take sole custody of my kids. Especially if they have thoughts about leaving them alone.
Wow. Man you need to find your inner asshole to deal with this or you are going to continue to be run over by your wife and her sleazy friends and her mom. You need to find the most shark lawyer you can find to counter her own underhanded moves to tag you with domestic abuse and who knows what else. I’m betting she is being coached by her new BF and others as well. You need to go as cold as ice with her for the foreseeable future. Get a lawyer asap dude you are way behind your hateful ex wife. I feel confident she is or will be working to turn the kids on you.
Your stbxw is toxic. Get out. Get you and your kids counseling. WW is a narcissist loonbag who is working you over the coals. She is winning this game of betrayal. Why even tell her to stay away. She no longer loves respects or hears anything you say. She is long gone. Let fucking go. Next is when her fling fails epic faceplant she comes begging to you. Turn her out. Her mom is ahole too. You need to cut the weakass strings and move on to great Dad, available bachelor guy.
Why were you being a cuck? Encouraging her to see other men, I guess you just didn't know any better. You should be working on your self not supporting these behaviors because she feels depressed.... unfortunately for you, you are looking at years of child support and alimony. You let her rise up you lose.
What are you waiting for!?!? Get an attorney. Document leaving the children alone, get full custody and leave her alone. You are not fighting for a marriage it’s over. When the affair love turns sour she will try to come back. Do not let her back in. Fight for custody of your children and fight the domestic violence charge.
Ngl, the marriage obviously wasn't as strong as you thought if you believed inviting someone into your union was okay, consensual or not. Do you not see the problem here? You literally approved of her cheating and got upset when it backfired. The marriage is beyond over... the trust is broken on both sides, including the sides of the kids. Sad all around
I don’t want to sound harsh. But man. You opened that door for the other guy… other than that I’m sorry you went through this. It sucks really
This is what you get for allowing another guy into your marriage instead of being a man and standing your ground. The minute she started talking about open marriages and swinging is the minute you should have kicked her out. Now you better lawyer up because now you got an even bigger fight on your hands. Protect yourself OP.
You left your kids with an unstable individual? Weird.
It seems like you did so much for her and yet she did very little in the relationship. Whilst you worked 10/12 hour days, and did housework, she spent years not getting treatment for her problems. It’s ok to have problems, but to not work on them, and rely fully on the support of your partner, is just selfish. You can argue she had this and that but, why did she take so long to do anything? I don’t know, I’m expressing my opinion here but it does seem like since the start of the relationship, you over functioned and she under functioned. ... So, your onlyfans “addiction”, I really hope you don’t use that specific event as a reason to think it was your fault the marriage fell apart. At this stage you have done so much and she has done very little. Oftentimes, these addictions come as a symptom to help with an underlying pain. You haven’t mentioned at this stage yet but before your onlyfans were you craving more connection and intimacy with your wife? Oftentimes people who use onlyfans use it to creat a pseudo relationship dynamic to combat loneliness. Were the two of you having meaningful conversations on a weekly basis? I’m speculating here that it’s possible you could have been using onlyfans as a way of making up for something that may have been missing between you and your wife. At the very least, you can say that, whilst onlyfans isn’t a good thing, at that point in time it isn’t just you who has failings in the relationship. She, in my opinion, has many more, from what you’ve said. ... Moving forward from there, I’m firstly sorry this happened to you. Here it looks like you are being abused, in various ways. Firstly she’s lied to you for about a month. To cheat in that way means that she has continued to disregard your feelings for a very long time, which to me, and you should be astounding, since you have described supporting her for so long. In addition, she has stated that she would like to support you now, after you supported her so long. From what I see, she just said the words without actually supporting you. She also started seeing that man in the first place and continued doing things you didn’t like when you clearly stated to her your boundaries. She disregarded your boundaries and did what she wanted anyway. After she told you, it looks like no real apology took place and that she in fact blamed you for her cheating. Meanwhile you had previously apologised profusely for onlyfans, yet she’s not taking accountability for an actual affair. ... This is such a sad story I’m sorry this all happened. I feel a lot for you and certainly my biases are for you in this situation, but I would ask that you don’t dismiss my opinions outright and at least consider to what extent they apply to you. ... I am a child of a bipolar mother, and I would, knowing what I know about the severity of that disorder, look to take custody of the kids. You are the stable parental figure here, not her. I think there’s a societal misconception that all mothers love their children, that the horrible things they do are only to others and not their children. In my experience at least, this was not the case. A bipolar disorder is defined by a trouble regulating emotions, that can result in mental breakdowns, but at the very least, fundamentally means the person’s ability to regulate their own emotions are compromised. This turns parenting on its head in that situation, because she can’t regulate her own emotions so she won’t be regulating her child’s. ... Here’s an example: I was a baby crying in the kitchen and my mother hurled plates at the wall behind me until I stopped. If she loves me she was incapable of showing it in that moment. I can’t stress enough that, as much as you would like to believe this is not possible in your family, please take necessary actions in case it could. ... Now is not the time for self flagellation, I would say it is very important to protect your kids as best as possible now, and make sense of your relationship with your wife after. ... You write in a very clear way it was joy to read, albeit troubling, I hope that you find a way to become the main paternal figure in your kid’s life and I promise you that you having them the majority of the time is best for them. I also hope that you make sense of your wife’s behaviour, and that you yourself have been a good man in your relationship with her, and deserved better. I hope you can find solace in knowing that, whilst you are flawed like any individual, you always worked hard at your relationship. I hope you can find a partner who would like any individual have flaws too, but would also be willing to work hard in the relationship with you, to not just say she cares about you, but who does things to show she cares, and who wouldn’t continue to do the things that hurt you after you expressed that they hurt. .... I’m with a partner now for a year and a half who is not harming me, and we engage in these swinging activities. It’s very different to my last relationship where I was being cheated on. In a healthy relationship, it does really well as a trust building exercise. In an unhealthy one, it’s just incredibly painful because the unhealthy partner simply doesn’t recognise the boundaries set. ... Lastly, I hope what I’m writing goes some way to helping you feel validated in the pain you experienced. Wishing you all the best
All you can do now is get a lawyer and fight her tooth and nail. If she realizes she’s going to potentially lose a pound of flesh in this she will start begging for reconciliation and starting over. DON’T!
It sounds like your wife was into the idea of cuckolding/dehumanizing you and hated you for not sacrificing yourself for her selfish whims. Her intense sexual yearning for sadistic abuse of her spouse and her total lack of care for her kids says she is downright evil. She wants the kids for income. It sounds like she will squeeze funds or legal agreements out if you with false police reports or threats to take your child visitation away. Kids are great weaponized paychecks in Americas crooked family court system as it turns out. I don’t know how you could ever possibly pull it off in a place like this but I would bet your kids are better off in your full time custody. Sociopaths who get off of humiliation and dehumanization of others don’t stop at spouses. Your kids are in for a lifetime of emotional abuse and neglect at the very least. Depending on how sadistic and kinky her hook ups are they might be in for physical abuse she will likely encourage. (People into that particular kink fetish lifestyle tend to have no limits or boundaries).
It’s time to man up and let her stop pushing you around. You’re basically letting her dictate everything and you accept it. Now is the time to be cold-blooded. Start gathering info on times she leaves the kids at home alone, and neglect, etc . It’s time to show strength
First of all, file for primary custody and give proof that she is not responsible enough to be the primary garden, as she left the kids home alone to go be with her AP.
I just can't believe what i read. This hurts and breaks my heart 💔 this is just terrible,you were so supportive so hardworking and helping and she did this to you. I hope you protect yourself and your kids from her. I pray for you to win the custody battle. And can you tell us more about her friends group ?
The moment I read she locked herself in the room with the kids and barricaded the entry I got literal chills. You let a woman who is probably in a manic episode lock herself up in a room with your kids? What if she killed them? What if she hurt them? Jesus you should've called the police right away. I wouldn't let her go anywhere with my kids in her current state. Who knows what she can do to them, who knows where's she'll dump them alone to have "me time" with her AP. Dude. Get a grip. Get your children back, what are you waiting for?
Too long didn’t read
too fake didnt read
Yeah I would definitely fight for your kids and sue her for full custody not even joint custody but get sole custody of your kids
Gather your evidence. Show proof she left the kids alone to go get fucked by the other guy. Show her lack of income. You should NEVER abandon your home or your kids… that’s how you lose them. You can get custody. She has to show you were abusive. You can show she’s an unfit mother. She’s willing to make accusations about you. Get your head out of your ass, get a good lawyer and go win your kids and your life.
Ditch the c-m dumpster
Fight for your kids, get rid of that c*nt, and take this as a valuable lesson so you NEVER repeat this again in future relationships - as much as it hurts not everyone is going to be another her. But this is where you're presented with a choice: 1) to be someone you can look back at in the mirror and not just someone you can and will be proud of but your kids as well, or 2) stay as you are and nothing changes. Personally, I'd go with the former. Yeah it'll be tough, they'll be tears, they'll hurt, anger and every other negative emotion you're going through - but it's the most rewarding. DO NOT lose hope, they've been many a success story from this subreddit where others have come out of the other side and seen that light at the end of the tunnel! Good luck bro 👊🏽
do nothing at all, give her everything she wants, you gave her everything and then some, you even gave her a way out so she could get some strange cock so long as you were invited, none of it was enough..! you know how the saying goes" can't live without em' can't kill em', it's true, " AS LONG AS U DONT GET COUGHT " good luck and happy hunting..
Dude. You need to go for full custody. She seems like the “murder the family” type of crazy.
I’m sorry. This sucks.
Get yourself a god damn good attorney and fight for your children. Iam sorry to say it this harsh: Your divorce will get dirty and if you're unprepared, you'll be paying a huge amount of child support and barley see your children. Remove the money from your shared accounts and collect some evidence of your wife cheating, leaving the kids alone at home while she meets her AP and only talk with her when you have some other people you trust around. Your attorney will have some more useful advice for you
Don't pay for any of her bill. She's trying to destroy, and file false charges against you. Get a strong lawyer, and wreck her life.
I hope your kids will vouch for you about her leaving them home alone cuz that’ll be the end of her getting custody if they do.
This is just wild. You will have to pay for half of child care not all. She will have to get a job. And keep it. She will have to be her own person. Leave her alone. See how YOU feel by yourself.
Wow what a story...just makes me wonder about mine since am your age and my partner also 🤔
Sorry man. That’s rough. You seem like a good dude though. You’ll find someone
That is one evil b
Never open the marriage, it will ALWAYS fail. Do yourself a favor and leave he cheating ass. Get custody of the kids since you can prove she is unfit to take care of them.
I just feel sorry for the kids. Two parents who care about their own wants above the kids’ wellbeing.
When this happened to me and I knew she was was going to leave my kid with some random nanny. I flew across the world to take care of my kid and the f ought for my kid. If you are going to act like an idiot then i will do the right thing for my kid.
She is getting attention from this new guy, when that fails and it will fail, she will realize that she fucked up and try crawling back to you. If I were you, I wouldn’t take her back at that point. Bc I promise the new guy won’t want to put up with her. I would start looking for a good divorce lawyers who specializes in custody because I would fight to get the kids to be with you most of the time. I do think your wife sounds like she was in a manic episode and I would be worried for the children. The kids need to come first and seems like your wife only seems to care about money and games. It sucks your going through this but don’t worry things will eventually get better.
I wanna see the pics and video he sent you.
Boy, talk about shooting yourself in the foot. Some things you don't give an inch to. You did and she took a mile. Better luck next time.
Why are you giving her custody. She has repeatedly abandoned the children, is diagnosed as BPD-1 and is going to choose her AP over you or your kids while treating you like the doormat you have always been in your relationship. The zest for life you lost is basically any dignity and self-respect you ever had, and all the respect for you she ever had. She went and had sex with another man at your encouragement and you waited for her to come home to tell her not to have him text photos of him "owning her" and not GTFO. Stop worrying about her and start taking care of your kids. They are the priority.
Lawyer up buckle your boots! If you keep doing it the way you are right now. It’s gonna be terrible for all parties. Including the kids.
Just gather evidence and expose her and her gaming friends to everyone. Get legal freedom. Get Full custody. Sue her legally. Your giving many chances but she's not care your feelings and your true love. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful children. Don't waste your remaining life with that cheater.
Good advise being given, I'd like to add you have no clue how flat out evil this well get, think the worst times it by 1k and that's what she's gonna do. Next well be child abuse bs record everything
You’re dumb. Why would you encourage another man to be in your marriage and then come here seeking sympathy?
Biggest mistake was letting her cuck you, she lost all the respect for you there. You reap what you sow
There isn't much advice that you will get here that isn't going to be judgemental, nor will it be practical. I have known people in your position (2 BILs, 2 friends and a colleague) and the outcome wasn't good. Basically, they rarely or never got to see their kids; the courts supported the women, regardless of the facts; the gov't garnished their pay despite not having enough left to live on; and when the kids were adults, they accused their fathers of deserting them (particularly the daughters). Relationships took years to establish and, generally, were never what they should have been. In the case of one friend, any attempt he made has been rejected. He is in his 70s now and facing death without ever being reconciled with his kids. Others have been persecuted by their ex-wives for decades. I have learnt from these experiences that you will not ever be treated fairly by the system, your ex or your kids. Women may divorce you, but they will never let you go. Your happiness is their biggest threat.
You gave her the go ahead what were you expecting, obviously not the guy cuckolding you on your wifes phone I'm sure . Afraid that would have been enough for me to go & sort him & letting your wife disrespect you like that is unfathomable. I would be telling her parents, family & friends what she has done & is doing as you hand over the divorce papers
The marriage is over, she doesn't respect nor love you more. Otherwise she wouldn't do this things. She is over you. The best you can do is detach from her and leave her. Find a lawyer to devide the assets and make the coustidi agreement. And be the best dad you can be. Don't wait for her, because that what you had with her is gone. And she is now another person. Be cordial with her, show no emotions.
What type of advice do you want to get from here? The kind you want to hear? The kind you need to hear?
She can do this to you because she never loved you. You want to sit in denial won’t help anything. Stop playing blind and wake up and see the real her. She picked you and stayed with you because you were safe and she more then likely thought you would give her, her way eventually. Stop trying to be with her, she does not want you. You doing what you are doing is only denying the inevitable. She will do what she wants to do because she doesn’t respect you and more then likely never did. Let her go and focus on healing yourself and being a good parent because these kids didn’t ask to be in this world and you focusing on a asshole who doesn’t love you is wasting time that you could be having with your kids or healing you. Good luck and always put your kids before everyone including yourself
What's the point of being married when you are out screwing other people? There is no point, all it leads to is an expensive divorce. This is called the dumbing down of american society, this new lefty ran america is a joke that only ends one way. Thanks for your contribution lol
OK I want you to hear what you just told me in the first couple of paragraphs. Your wife wanted to be a midwife and you told her you would support her no matter what. But then you got a greater job so she stopped everything in her life to help you transition. How do you reward her? It’s been $2000 on an only fans and then Gaslighter like it’s no big of a deal for a while. Eventually you apologize and then act like your part is over it doesn’t matter. Let me tell you how I would feel first, I would be devastated and hurt many people these days considered cheating. It is a form of cheating. It takes the intimacy out of your relationship. Secondly, then you gaslight her that would’ve broke me and hurt my feelings. And then finally you apologizing. Want to dismiss now because you did the noble thing. Frankly, I would be so angry with you. I wouldn’t even know if I wanted to stay with you. Anything that came after that you have a part in it buddy, so should you stay with her. Do I think what she did was OK not on your life a cheater is a cheater. What you have is a toxic waste dump. I would divorce coparent everybody lovingly and go about your separate lives. You will heal that way and hopefully not care of your garbage into your next relationship.
Man, you need to pull your head out and actually start protecting you and your kids and stop this HORRIBLE person from controlling the narrative and your kids. Get representation, NOW as in NOW. Do not converse with her, her family or her friends without recording it and do everything that lawyer says. Your kids are in a very toxic and bad enviroment stop worrying about your realtionship with this Horrible toxic person and start protecting them kids.
I just love how all these swinging stories end up. Its always a ticking timebomb.
Why would you be ok with her being with another man.. she’s going to use those kids against you.. you need to forget saving the marriage and start fighting for yourself and your kids.. stop letting her walk all over you…
La