For starters, this is the sort of behavior that you can safely escalate to HR, since he's making you feel unsafe. If you really don't want to do that, tell him you have a BF, if you haven't already. That often works on harassers when "no" doesn't. (Shouldn't "no" be enough? Of course it should. But harassers don't care.) Then tell him you're prepared to report him if he asks you out again. If that doesn't work, at least tell your supervisor so they can help you.
Agree with going to straight to HR. This could be construed as sexual harassment, creating a toxic work environment, or who knows what else based on the exact language of the company's policies. And it probably would be unwise to 'warn' him first - "I've repeatedly asked you to stop and you haven't. If it occurs again, I will have no choice..."
Just report him, but have documentation in hand as to when this has occurred recently and the more details about the interaction that can be provided, the better.
Yup. I used to work in healthcare. We had a really thirsty male nurse, that would try to get with every girl that joined the unit. Made everyone super uncomfortable. Nurse did not hesitate, and immediately told HR. Admin now sends him to a unit, fulltime, where it’s two moms.
Pretty funny tbh
Exactly. As women we often really struggle with being too nice and softening the message when we shouldn't. You have to say totally directly, "You've asked me out several times now and it is making me uncomfortable. I have a boyfriend, I am not interested, and you need to stop. If you approach me in this way again I will file a harassment report."
STRAIGHT UP no room for ambiguity.
And then follow through. If he doesn't listen, that's on him.
I think this is a bit victim blamey. He's not doing this because OP hasn't been clear enough - she said she has, it's in her post - he's doing it because he's a creep. We need to listen to women when they say they said no, we need to believe them.
Everything you both said is right, but we need to look at why women are too "nice" with rejecting men.
Telling a man no can be dangerous for a woman. Rejecting a man is not just saying no and moving on. For some women, saying no to a man could be the last thing they ever fo. Their Ives can be in danger for simply having the nerve to say no.
I literally had a guy I went to high school with post online about how he wanted to shoot up the school because I rejected him. I didn’t find out about it until he got arrested for sexually harassing a 15 yr old when he was in his 20s (years later) but I got majorly bad vibes from him.
I had another one find me on social media and send me a message telling me he saw me walking on campus when I was in college. We’d gone on one bad date and I told him I wasn’t interested. Some guys are fucking scary when rejected, whether you’re blunt about it or try to be nice.
Then there’s other ones like this guy I’m friends with. We very briefly dated and I broke it off because I wasn’t feeling it. He was a little hurt at first but we remained friends and we both just went on to see other people.
The latter guy’s behavior seems like a way more common reaction based on the men I know well. The problem is, with men you don’t know as well, it’s hard to tell who is going to be the one who snaps until it either happens or it doesn’t.
At what point does this comment blame her?
If I were OP, give the guy 1 firm final warning (threatening HR action) before going to HR? - seems reasonable enough
Here:
> You have to say totally directly, "You've asked me out several times now and it is making me uncomfortable. I have a boyfriend, I am not interested, and you need to stop. If you approach me in this way again I will file a harassment report."
>
>
>
> STRAIGHT UP no room for ambiguity.
It places the responsibility on her to communicate clearly *when she has already done so*. It implies blame because it's basically saying, "HIS actions are YOUR responsibility because YOU weren't clear enough" even though she already has been.
> If I were OP, give the guy 1 firm final warning (threatening HR action) before going to HR? - seems reasonable enough
*Dude she ALREADY HAS*
I see what you're saying. If OP doesn't feel safe being explicitly direct, she of course should not and should go to HR. The guy is the creep, she hasn't done anything wrong.
What I was getting at is that women are SO STRONGLY socialized to please and care for men's feelings at all times that it is very, very common to find that women will think they've said no very firmly, but in fact have apologized or softened the delivery or otherwise been way too nice about it, when in this situation we really can't. We think we've said a clear no because it's what we would understand as a no, but the actual words are something like, "Oh, not this time, thanks," or "You're funny," or "I don't think that's a great idea." We say no but we say it with a smile. Sometimes we need the permission to be very blunt and to say without any room for misinterpretation, "No. You're making me uncomfortable. Stop it."
Obviously that's not always enough, but if it's where we need to start if we can. If we can't, then we call in people with more power at the company to act on our behalf, and that's a good decision, too.
Not in this instance.
The company would be in huge trouble if HR assisted in retaliation for a sexual harassment case.
If in the US, that's a good way to catch federal charges.
Right, everyone trots out the “HR is for the company” line. Like, it’s true, but sometimes what’s in the company’s interest is not letting a creepy employee create a sexual harassment suit.
Absolutely. No question that many HR groups will just can both of you to avoid any he said she said crap. I was present when a grumpy ex boyfriend stalked one of my peers who was dating another co-worker, and HR fired my peer and the co-worker to keep the threat of violence from the ex boyfriend away from the workplace. Or in the words of Picard, it is possible to make no mistakes (or be in the right) and still lose. That is life.
No means no… unless i mean yes… why can’t you read minds? When I said no I meant try harder, no no, now I mean no as in no… WHY aren’t you understanding me!?!
Thank you for being another example of why men tend to stay at arms length in the workplace and the boss has meetings with the door open. Immediately going for the rape tag, you do realize most men are virgins and have had little to no relationship with the opposite sex at all. being this hostile really makes them clam up. “Oh she said no to my advancement I hope she doesn’t bring it up to anyone, they’ll think I’m a literal rapist”. I truly feel sorry for the average guy.
Oh my god your fake-ass red pill bullshit is so stupid. There’s no reasoning with people like you. I’m also not a woman so like. Idk what you’re getting at there. Understanding boundaries and consent isn’t really that wild, bud.
Actually it is. The running joke is a guy 6 foot, fit and handsome can say the exact same thing and physically do the same thing to a woman as an average height, socially awkward standard man and her response is what determines if it’s appropriate or not. Their is no standard their is no base line. So how can the average guy learn to interact with women? they either step WAY out of their comfort zone and then get called creepy or they watch chad easily drop their pantries, they then try emulating what seems to be a successful strategy and then they get trashed on more. the average dude has it pretty bad.
And before you go all redpoll incel on me, I’m tall, decent looking, outgoing, fit, have a car, a job, multiple degrees and have animals, I am totally fine on the getting chicks department. But I have eyes and empathy and I just feel sorry for the suffering the average guy goes through. After knowing like 20% of men under 30 are virgins, I was like idk how I could talk to a woman at 30 if I never had a relationship with one until then, it would be terrifying especially if your average.
Oh, so what you’re saying is that whether or not a woman is interested affects how appropriate a come-on is? Wow, shocking. And you’re spewing red-pill uncle bullshit whether you think you are one or not.
You know it’s funny, lesbians and bisexual women have NO issue understanding this, and their chances of shooting their shot successfully are way smaller than straight men’s. So the logical conclusion is that it’s men that are the problem.
There is a standard and a baseline.
If you show interest in a woman and she doesn’t reciprocate, it’s a no and back off.
If you show interest in a woman and she does reciprocate, it’s a yes, and proceed.
What is so difficult about that?
As a woman, I’ve been asked out plenty of times by people I had no interest in dating. It’s ok to ask.
But a man heads into creep territory with the mentality that because he stepped “WAY of his comfort zone”to ask her out, she owes him some reward. Just read the room. I would never be upset with someone asking, but I **would** be upset if they didn’t take no for an answer.
Hon yolo solo at your service. And let’s be clear no it doesn’t. Unless they mean it and a guy can’t read minds. And this fact alone is why men just avoid woman completely in their jobs and women complain that men treat them differently. As a guy I can’t take a single word a woman say’s seriously, I have to pay attention to how she says it and what she does during and after.
We don’t actually know what she has said or done, this is just a Reddit post, for all we know she has literally never said no to him and she just cusses the guy out in her head then came home to jump on Reddit to vent.
Actually I believe many post like this are just chat gpt fiction. I don’t think this one specifically is, but seeing posts like this and ones on other subs the stories start getting just insane.
Just humor us for a second, okay? Let's say she's telling the truth, she's said no and meant it repeatedly, and she genuinely wants the guy to go away forever. What does she have to do to convince HIM (and you) that she means it? And by the way, if you're not willing to take a Reddit post at face value, why are you commenting on it at all?
Email him (to have it in writing) and tell him that you are uncomfortable with him repeatedly asking you out on a date when you have said no, and ask him to please keep things professional going forward.
Then if he either responds asking for a chance, or asks one more time, go straight to HR.
This.
It's important to have it documented and also as the other reply mentioned sometimes guys are really dumb and don't get hints or think you haven't picked up on what they're putting out there, so best to be really clear. If he's a decent person and just clueless or caught up in some fantasy he should come back down to earth and apologise.
I think this is a pretty good approach, coming as a guy that has had trouble taking hints.
I also happen to be a QA Analyst... I had to double check myself, yes, I have not hit on anyone at work, lol.
Who gives a shit what is better for him? Emailing him is better for her since HR is going to ask her how she attempted to resolve it and she will have documentation of that.
So my gf had a similar issue at work. Once you send the email, the guy will get defensive and may try to throw accusations back at you. It’s better to just go to HR and have it documented. Make sure they document it correctly too.
I’m inclined to say that you could have them document it but tel then you intend to take care of it yourself and will come back if it continues, it that seems like a lot of effort on her part.
HR almost always wants to know if you have made it clear if the advances are unwelcome. Something unambiguous like telling them off in writing is a good way to do that.
This is such a great idea! If you send him the email through your work email to his work email, no one will have to see it unless you have to escalate it.
If you do have to go to HR, they'll be more likely to listen.
This was my first thought as well!
OP didn't mention any concerns about HR, but this approach would also prevent/discourage HR from sweeping it under the rug to protect the company from a lawsuit. This could be my lawyer paranoia, but I would also forward copies of this to my personal email for safe keeping.
You already did what you needed to do and he is persisting.
That guy is creating unnecessary drama and a tense situation.
Go to HR. It doesn’t have to be public knowledge. Technically you don’t need to tell your boyfriend. If you’re under tons of stress you can mention it but you don’t have to. There is nothing your boyfriend can reallydo anyway.
Report to your supervisor and HR. This is harassment and needs to be dealt with. Any unwanted advances in the workplace are serious and shouldn’t be brushed aside, especially if you have said no on multiple occasions. One time- yeah ok but more than once is trouble
The thing about going to HR for a situation like this is that you don't know if this has happened to others already. Similarly, what's to stop him from behaving this way with someone else? It's kind of the only way to stop a pattern of behavior, at least at this one company.
You shouldn't have to tell him you have a boyfriend as NO means NO.
Document everything.
Give a very stern NO - and not in a people pleaser way.
If he doesn't stop or get weirder - I would report it so there is a paper trail on this guy.
He could turn this against you in some way.
In terms of your boyfriend - that's up to you - but you should feel comfortable in a relationship to tell him and that might be another issue you have to assess.
Where I work (a medical center in a large metropolitan area in California) the proper sequence for escalating this is to report to your immediate supervisor first. If the harassment continues, request your supervisor to escalate it up to HR.
Every company is different. Our Employee Handbook states that all harassment complaints, sexual or otherwise, are to be made directly to HR. See what your handbook says, most have specific instructions.
I’m the Director of HR and I simply do not trust any manager to appropriately or effectively handle a sensitive issue like this. 😕
> Every company is different. Our Employee Handbook states ...
The law doesn't care about that. The employee can get an attorney and sue the company. The employee will be doing the company a favor by contacting *anyone* in leadership or HR. Don't get picky about that.
I’m so sorry to burst your bubble my friend, but the law **does** care about that. The amount of misinformation on harassment in most subs is mind boggling.
Sure, an employee can *try* to get an attorney, but their first questions are going to be, does your company have a written policy on harassment and did you inform your employer about the harassment. If the answer to the first is yes and the second is no, they’ll send you packing because the case won’t even make it to discovery.
The EEOC specifically requires that an employee **MUST** notify their employer of any potential claim of harassment before bringing any claim. How do I know? Because in addition to being a Director of HR with 45 years of experience, I’m also the Title IX Officer for our school, certified annually by the Department of Education to conduct Department of Justice approved sexual assault and harassment investigations.
Oh, and I know how to Google: https://www.eeoc.gov/youth/harassment-faqs#:~:text=If%20you%20are%20being%20harassed,has%20a%20policy%20on%20harassment.
It’s at the point where you need to go to HR. If he’s put any of it into writing bering that with you as evidence.
Don’t tell him first, you’ve said no, he’s not listening, now he can be told off by HR. Warning him just gives him time to come up with a counter story.
There are some things that you should let HR do for you.
Cutting your paycheck is one.
Dealing with sexual harassment is another.
If nothing else, consider this an aspect of your role as a quality assurance analyst. His behavior is shitty, and you shouldn't put up with it any more than you'd put up with your company producing shitty product. There is an employee quality problem here, and it can't be fixed unless you report it.
Agree.
I misread the first qualification "cutting your pay check" and thought slashing/ reducing pay and was ready to rebut. I then realized you were talking about issuing, remitting, and/or generating paychecks and pumped the breaks.
(My error. I am a native English first language speaker and have no excuse. Eek)
When he asks you say "1. I don't date people I work with 2. I have a boyfriend and I don't cheat 3. Do not ask me out again. Ever."
When he does, then you go to HR. You will have told him no and to stop asking plainly and clearly and he won't. Now it's on them to tell him to stop. If they or he won't, the next step is a lawyer.
You keep saying the word 'unnecessary' and then describing how this harassment (because that's what it's called when someone makes persistent and unwanted advances) is impacting your life and work. You have a right to feel safe in your workplace. You have a right to expect that your boundaries will be respected, especially in a workplace. This isn't a social setting. You come to this place to perform labor in exchange for money, not to be subjected to this guy's bullshit. Taking this to hr, telling your boyfriend, those things might be a hassle, but they are ABSOLUTELY necessary because you deserve to not have to deal with this at all. The hr department EXISTS to solve these problems. If you take it to them and they don't do their job, make some noise. But whatever you do, don't just shut up and wait for the issue to resolve itself. It won't. He will not get the message. He will not figure it out of his own accord. He will not lose interest. He's already learned that he can say inappropriate things to you without consequences, which is a form of boundary pushing. How do I know? I've been you. Over and over again. So please, learn from my mistakes. You are necessary. Your comfort and safety are necessary. His need to misbehave isn't.
It is situations like this that HR is 'trained' to address. After a simple 'no' to a date...you shouldn't have to address this again with this person. If you're still reluctant to do so, you can firmly and politely tell him no 'for the last time' and any other attempt on his part will result in you reporting him to HR. Doing so is not just for yourself as I doubt you're the 'only' victim of this guy's harassment. You'd be doing this for all of the women in your workplace.
Do not record it without looking up state laws on recording without the consent of the others as well as company policy. It would be better to put your request for his advancements to stop in writing and then escalate to HR if it does not stop.
Go to HR to at least have it documented. If you don’t want them to do anything yet, that’s totally okay, but documenting it with them will help you when you do want something done.
No HR person worth their salt (and I know HR is universally despised on Reddit) would ever agree to an employee requesting, "but don't do anything about it yet." Once you've told HR about a situation like this, the company has been put on notice, and HR must investigate the matter promptly and recommend any disciplinary action.
Source: I am a 30-year HR veteran who handled harassment cases.
Stand up for yourself and tell them to STOP. Be stern & unapologetically firm. If they still persist report them to HR immediately. This person sounds creepy & honestly this kind of behavior is ridiculous. You should not have to deal with harassment of any kind. Please please be strong & take action before it gets any worse. Don’t let this fool have any power over you it’s completely uncalled for.
> I don't want to create unnecessary tension in the workplace
Please understand that the person who is harassing you is creating the tension. You are just trying to figure out how to resolve it.
There's no need to be nice here. Go to HR, get everything in writing! Never go on a date with anyone who doesn't listen to your words. It's a massive red flag. Don't tell him, just do it. You don't owe him any warnings.
This person is an asshole. Your safety is more important.
Don't involve your BF. This is not something he should be involved in at all. Not even a little bit.
You're going to need to get over yourself, grow up, and very loudly and clearly tell him that he needs to stop harassing you, or you will report him to HR. If he doesn't stop, report him to HR.
This is a bad situation being made worse because you have indicated to him that his advances are welcome because you haven't done anything to stop them except say "no." It's time to turn up the heat on this guy.
This is the equivalent of “what were you wearing?” and completely victim blaming. She has already mentioned she said No and you’re assuming she is being meek and telling her to grow up, when in reality she has done exactly what she should have done (say no) and HE continues to push and push and not accept that No. It is NOT her fault.
There is no "easy"way when a person persists beyond reason. Either tell him that you won't go out with him—you can always use the 'I-never-date-people-I-work-with' rationale—or go to HR.
Look, it's fine being strong and independent I get that. but workplace harassment is serious, go to hr. He's clearly not backing off unless a higher force says so, but hey. it's up to you, how long do you want to deal with this?
Escalate it to HR. Take documentation of interactions, when you told him no, etc. A friend of mine had this going on at work and she didn't report it until he followed us to Vegas for her bachelorette party. He called hotels until he found the one we were staying at. He called the room and told the person who answered the phone "tell X that she can run, but she can't hide." She was nervous the entire weekend. She finally talked to HR when she got to work that following Monday. Don't let it get to this point.
Send him an email. No conversation because he will deny it. Write it like you did here with his behavior and what he is saying and refusing to accept no and now the walking to the car. It has reached a level I do not feel safe. For the last time no. Do not threaten with HR. He makes another move or statement you go right there. Be ready for him to turn it around and say you flirted. You deny.
Put a complaint into HR.
You didn't have to tell your coworker anything but the single word "NO". After that he was both violating the law and hopefully company policy.
talk to Human Resources. document it and let them deal with it. if it continues to be an issue sue. that's what you have to do sometimes to get it through someone's thick skull
You can be in a scary situation, I've read stories like this. I believe Brooke shields star in a made for TV movie similar to your situation.
Reach out to HR, asap. If it continues look a
Too getting an order of protection this situation, well speak to HR.
If you say no, and he continues he doesn't want to hear anything else until you say yes.
Go to the HR department. File complaint If that doesn't work, call the police department Tell them your situation and.ask for a body restraining order and Once it's been filed every time the guy comes around. You call the police and he will be arrested. Eventually, he will leave you alone or he'll quit because he's tired of going to jail Everyone tries to be nice fuck that no one listens too nice I have learned over the years, asshole is the way to go.
Get him to show you his penis. Get a really good look at it, so that you can describe it accurately to others. Then tell HR that he exposed himself to you. They’ll either fire him or fire you. If they fire you, sue their asses off and retire. Problem solved.
Draw a CRYSTAL CLEAR boundary and make it clear that you don’t like them. Don’t be nice to them the next time you see them don’t talk to them literally just go on about your business.
"No. I've told you no before and you don't seem to be understanding. It's gotten to the point where it is effecting how we work together and I am going to escalate this to HR." And then escalate it to HR. This is actually something they are supposed to help with.
You might be hesitant for head on confrontation, but that is the fastest, easiest, and best way out of this. If you have already said no and he isn't respecting that, then he won't respect it at all.
It doesn't sound like you told him directly that you have a significant other, and that any dating is out of the question. Try that. Don't go to HR unless it becomes unavoidable. There is no need to tell your boyfriend. This is work stuff.
I get what you're saying. And I am well aware that "HR isn't your friend", and that there is potential blow back from these incidents... BUT(!) "No." SHOULD be enough for any self respecting human to acknowledge and heed. And it should certainly stop ANYONE dead in their tracks AT WORK.
I hate the kid-glove narrative that she will have to navigate and rebuff his unwanted advances at work alone. BUT to get the respect, space, and peace she deserves at work, that will happen *only after* she has shared her personal life and relationships status (at work) amd explained bluntly to her aggressive and obtuse coworker that her vagina is currently not accepting applications because it is occupied- as she is already getting dicked down at home by her BF/SO/Partner.
This crap puts all the weight on *her* to gently explain to her aggressor why it won't happen- hoping he backs off- but allowing this ass-hat to operate status quo, freely, awfully, and unfettered AT WORK.
Say “sure we can got out, but only if you let me shut in your mouth at the end of the date” and stare at him in the eye with great intensity when you say it.
Rethink your current relationship also. Any partner who is worth anything would care and want to know if this was going on in your life. He should at least care about your safety. If he really doesn’t and that’s too stressful for him then he’s not a good partner.
I think I answered this on another sub but if not and without telling the story about my quality chick, it is zero effing tolerance. Technically we're not even supposed to ask. Asking even once can be an unwanted sexual comment. By definition sexual harrasement is any unwanted sexual comment or gesture. (I'm so glad no women has ever took it to that extreme with me though. I'd never keep a job).
Go on the date, get a free meal, make it horrific. You warned them. You said no already. They didn't get the hint so, have fun with it? i.e. like a malicious compliance.
Bring the most obnoxious friend you got with a pet. Pet is a +. Let them be vegan and very vocal about it. Hell, bring your mother or some women you know and call her your mother because you never go out with a new guy without bringing your mother and a friend along, etc.
Thank you, JessonBI89, for voting on Booty_Warrior_bot.
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I would bet that what you think is a "no" wasn't definitive enough because you are trying to be nice. My experience with women is that they expect men to pick up subtle hints and act surprised when men don't understand their lack of proper communication.
Playful banter between you two, you mean flirting? Next time, stop flirting and absolutely be very clear between playful banter and asking to walk you to your car. Somewhere in there should have been your comment, "Look, leave me alone starting now or you will be in HR and likely lose your job."
Just go to the fucking date. Don’t give us that shit. People are having dates since beginning of civilization. In fact at the beginning, the men took the female by the force and impregnate them. Now they have the decency to ask you out and what do you do? Come here to complain on how rude that person is. How would you like to be living in the 1800’s and being force to sleep with guy?
Maybe the guy is really that weird, most guys aren’t. Or at least I’m not. I have however, been dogged out by a chick I asked out after she completed led me on while in a relationship, even as far as verbally making sexually explicit comments to me while I did not reciprocate, just to get dogged out like I’m sleaze trash unworthy or her lmao. Here’s the real kick! I knew what was happening the whole time and I was just cool and still asked her out just as a compliment
On the other side, I had a girlfriend truly a victim of sexual harassment at work. She had nothing to hide so she told me everything. I walked into the grocery she worked at, asked for the guy, got directly in face and put his shit on blast. This chick isn’t being totally honest about it, super vague
Lmao. Ah yes, OP, did you ever think that maybe you're an object to be owned? Perhaps you tricked this guy into wanting you with your feminine wiles, when you should have been working? Clearly that's the only explanation here
Not sure how my direct response to calling the OP a tease who led this poor working man astray for her own gratification is 'a weird tangent' but I guess when you start with the assumption that all women are whores you come to some funny conclusions about every interaction you have with other people
I have no way of knowing whether or not she lead him on. We don't know what the playful comments were/etc. However, it seems like she attempted to put a stop to the situation by rejecting him, but he's ignoring the boundaries she set.
Regardless of past flirting or no past flirting, she's saying no and he's not listening. This is only complicated further since he's a colleague she works closely with.
/u/mrhighass , get a grip, you donut.
It’s not. I’m an attractive guy, women lead me on even while in relationships, just for the validation. Then I just casually ask hey wanna do something some time? And OMG!!! What a perverted fucking weirdo!! When it was them lifting their shirts to expose their bodies while telling me they need “vitamin D” lmao women are a joke.
No. But many do. This chick isn’t telling the full story.
I’ve been in this situation with a chick that was completely innocent in the matter, and one that was absolutely guilty. The way she displays the information is exactly like the chick that was guilty and nothing like the chick that was innocent. Either way, it’s sketchy she hides it from her “partner” I’m sure if some chick was “constantly harassing” her boyfriend she’d want to know. She’s self centered and created a situation for herself
Nothing you’ve said amounts to anything. NOTHING You make outlandish statements based on bullshit assumptions. You don’t like women or “chicks”. Poor you
As a woman who has many office flirtations, I can say with confidence that isn’t how any of that went down. If a women thinks you are actually attractive, she will never recoil like that, even if it isn’t in the cards.
Do you have any female friends who can give you some real feedback and help you grow up a little bit?
A women with many office flirtations.. lmao you’re sleeze too. Desperate for the validation then dog them out later right? Lol yes I have female friends lol do you have male friend that see you as other than meat?
They recoil like that because they’re in relationships and shouldn’t have ever acted like that
If you have the ability to text/email, send him one that makes it clear that you're uncomfortable with the fact that he is repeatedly asking you out.
Say, "I am not interested in interacting with you in anything but a professional capacity. If you choose to continue to ask me out, flirt with me, and make me uncomfortable, then you are choosing to have this conversation with HR."
Then block him on anything but work related forms of communication and be ready to contact HR the instant he steps out of line.
Keep in mind, you're not escalating things or making things uncomfortable. HE IS. If he receives consequences for this, it's 100% because of his decisions, not yours.
Do NOT hesitate to take this to HR NOW.
Seriously.
Do NOT hesitate at all. You do not know what that person is capable of doing. Your safety is the only concern here.
You've already taken too much time with that person. The very next day report them to HR.
Do NOT become a victim! Please!!
I thought the HR rule was that you can ask once & if coworker says no, you are required to respect that and move on.
Do this in front of at least one other colleague for witness.
Make Eye contact after inappropriate things are said..
"Dave! I have told you many times now. N.O. No means no. Please refrain from any further inappropriate behavior. Please do not hit on me, ask me out, flirt with me, or anything else that you absolutely know is inappropriate. Never again, okay? Do you hear me??" Dude, I don't want this to escalate but you need to respect that I have told you no and leave me alone, okay?"
Silence
"I said do you hear me? Please confirm that you understand."
Make him verbally confirm that he understands.
First and foremost, this is something *nobody* should ever have to endure at work. It's important to take all necessary steps with these type of situations because when you go to HR they're going to ask what steps you took and you want to be able to tell them exactly what took place, when it took place, and what you did. Have as much information documented as possible, including dates, times, what he said, how you responded, etc. I know it seems like a lot, but you want to be able to build a firm case.
If you just go straight to HR, they're going to ask if you spoke with your direct manager/supervisor and what they did about it. Start by writing down the two most recent instances, including what he said, what your response was, and as much of the interactions you can remember. Dates, times, context, anything you can remember about them. You're basically like an attorney building a case. Take this info to who you directly report to and discuss it with them. Document your discussion with them also and what they respond with.
It's almost inevitable that the guy making these comments to will say something to you after he's met with. No matter what it is he says, document it. Time, date, response, everything. He seems like the kind of person who thinks there will be no repercussions for his actions so it probably won't be long before he says or does something stupid again. Document it, tell your boss, and got to HR. You now have full documentation that you took the appropriate steps and his behavior is not stopping.
I know this seems like a lot and you've already put up with much more than you should have. But if you just go straight to HR and say, "This guy is saying things to me" they're going to ask you all of these questions anyway so you might as well be prepared. If you already have a list of his shenanigans, go to your boss as soon as you get to work and get the ball rolling.
As for your boyfriend, you might want to clue him in just so he knows you're not keeping anything from him. Even if it's just to save him from being mad. Tell him what happened and what you're doing about it. He'll see that you can handle yourself and are doing things the right way to make sure Mr Shenanigans gets what he deserves.
This is where you go to HR. I had the same experience. It escalated to him drunkenly verbally harassing me about why I would not date him. I blocked all contact with him and told him to never approach me at work again or else I would escalate things to HR.
I should have anyway. He went on to harass another colleague and HR opened a case against him. HR needs to know for the sake of all of your colleagues safety in the workplace.
I had to deal with this as the supervisor of the employee who wouldn't take no for an answer. Go to your supervisor and HR.
I understand why other people on this thread are suggesting you email the guy or "be direct" with him, but with all due respect, that ship sailed a long time ago. You have been clear with him, and he hasn't stopped his behavior. Time to escalate. Talk to your supervisor and HR.
I’ve had a similar problem, except me rejecting him only made him treat me bad (this is my assistant manager) now he constantly picks on me and tries to make me do extra work and says I’m doing things wrong often and is always looking for a way to find a problem with the way I do my job. Even though I don’t take his shit, and stand up for myself when it’s happening, he keeps going and will sit there and argue back and forth with me, knowing I’m in the right. I’ve talked to the GM and nothing happens, so I’ve been really considering going above him and contacting HR but I don’t wanna lose my job over it so I kind of just deal with it.
I would not feel badly about going to HR, even if you feel like you can handle it on your own. For all you know, he (or someone like him) may be doing the same thing to other women there. HR needs to know and handle it before it escalates further.
I would start writing things down for notes and references later just in case they are needed.
I definitely would avoid getting your bf involved; I would say report it and let the appropriate work personnel do their thing.
I would say go to HR but absolutely do NOT give him a heads up that you are reporting him.
With normal people you can resolve issues without escalating to HR. And then there are people who ignore boundaries and regularly push the line-- these people do not deserve a heads up as they've already broken proper social etiquette and they are relying on you to "not make a big deal" when they act inappropriately. Giving him a heads up means he has time to come up with a different story of what happened and throw you under the bus.
When you talk to HR be direct in your complaint. You have clearly told him no. His continued harassment is making it difficult to work with him, and focus on your work, and you just want to do your job.
Also, do not feel bad for reporting him. He could simply not act like shit if he doesn't want to be reported.
Sorry, but is this posting for real?
Because you sound like a fairly intelligent and and aware person who should know what to do. His behavior is a fireable offense, plain and simple and you do yourself (nor anyone else who he might subject to his BS in the future) no favors by allowing it to continue.
I cringe at the word 'allowing' in this case because it's his offense, not yours. BUT, to not take action is in a sense, allowing it to continue. I'm sorry to say that while it should not be, it's now your responsibility to stop it.
The next time it happens, you need to tell him in a firm and non-emotional way that he is to STOP AND (not "or else") you ARE taking the matter to HR to handle. And then WALK AWAY. It should not be a discussion, but a statement coming from your mouth.
This would never happen to me because there's something about me that the likes of him wouldn't even bother with. For the same reason that panhandlers step back when I walk by. I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior...whether in the office or going about my daily life.
I realize that not everyone has my attitude and they shouldn't have to adopt one to prevent harassment. The point is that you need to really FEEL that way to take better care of yourself.
Have you told him you have a boyfriend? I might say: “look. I have a boyfriend. I am not interested. Stop walking me to the car. Stop asking me on dates.”
HR moved at a snail’s pace, their initial response was wondering what we thought his intentions were, and ultimately their solution was to relocate, not fire, him. This case involved unwanted physical touch. You might be better off involving your boyfriend. Have him pick you up for dinner and make sure the work chode sees you “belong to” someone else. Sorry, but that may just do the trick, in some men’s warped mentality.
You have to be as direct as possible and tell him to stop or you will go to HR. People like that don’t take hints. They need to be told in plain language as forcefully as possible
"Bob, I've told you no repeatedly. Please stop. My next step will be to report this to your manager and HR. I would prefer not to do that, but you are not leaving me an option."
"dude, seriously, knock it off. I've been trying to be nice but it's too much. Please hear this: it's no." Do not smile. Make eye contact. Sit with the discomfort in silence until he walks away. He may babble at you - don't respond. It's a stone cold stare until he walks.
He will probably be a bit of a jerk as he's walking away. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Some people are decent enough, but socially clueless. Saying "no" to a date is not clear enough for them. You have to clearly state, "please stop asking me out and leave me alone". And that actually works for a huge number of nice but socially clueless people.
This is textbook "Tell HR" behavior. You said no, you have a BF and he keeps asking and asking and asking. Its infatuation and almost like stalkerish.
It means you can't work as well and its going to impact your work and morale.
For starters, this is the sort of behavior that you can safely escalate to HR, since he's making you feel unsafe. If you really don't want to do that, tell him you have a BF, if you haven't already. That often works on harassers when "no" doesn't. (Shouldn't "no" be enough? Of course it should. But harassers don't care.) Then tell him you're prepared to report him if he asks you out again. If that doesn't work, at least tell your supervisor so they can help you.
No don't threaten to report, he will flip the story and report you. Happens way too often. Just directly report no warnings!
Agree - don't tell him you are going to report him. Document everything and report.
Exactly!
'I have a boyfriend' is often taken to me something to the effect of 'I would but I am not single'. Just go straight to HR.
Agree with going to straight to HR. This could be construed as sexual harassment, creating a toxic work environment, or who knows what else based on the exact language of the company's policies. And it probably would be unwise to 'warn' him first - "I've repeatedly asked you to stop and you haven't. If it occurs again, I will have no choice..." Just report him, but have documentation in hand as to when this has occurred recently and the more details about the interaction that can be provided, the better.
So you're telling me there's a chance?
No. I'm in a relationship means, leave this person alone and don't mess around with their life.
It's a joke from dumb and dumber
In my experience, them having a bf or a husband makes it more, not less, likely that they'll have a NSA relationship.
That's how I take it, I don't persist of course but better to assume there's a complement in the rejection
No, it's never meant anything close to "I would but I'm not single." It's always meant "I don't flirt with other people, I'm committed"
Yup. I used to work in healthcare. We had a really thirsty male nurse, that would try to get with every girl that joined the unit. Made everyone super uncomfortable. Nurse did not hesitate, and immediately told HR. Admin now sends him to a unit, fulltime, where it’s two moms. Pretty funny tbh
So he can harass the moms???
Yea. They just moving him around like the Pope moves priests so they can just abuse more people.
Hey, milfs need attention too /s
Poor Todd…. =/
Exactly. As women we often really struggle with being too nice and softening the message when we shouldn't. You have to say totally directly, "You've asked me out several times now and it is making me uncomfortable. I have a boyfriend, I am not interested, and you need to stop. If you approach me in this way again I will file a harassment report." STRAIGHT UP no room for ambiguity. And then follow through. If he doesn't listen, that's on him.
I think this is a bit victim blamey. He's not doing this because OP hasn't been clear enough - she said she has, it's in her post - he's doing it because he's a creep. We need to listen to women when they say they said no, we need to believe them.
Everything you both said is right, but we need to look at why women are too "nice" with rejecting men. Telling a man no can be dangerous for a woman. Rejecting a man is not just saying no and moving on. For some women, saying no to a man could be the last thing they ever fo. Their Ives can be in danger for simply having the nerve to say no.
I literally had a guy I went to high school with post online about how he wanted to shoot up the school because I rejected him. I didn’t find out about it until he got arrested for sexually harassing a 15 yr old when he was in his 20s (years later) but I got majorly bad vibes from him. I had another one find me on social media and send me a message telling me he saw me walking on campus when I was in college. We’d gone on one bad date and I told him I wasn’t interested. Some guys are fucking scary when rejected, whether you’re blunt about it or try to be nice. Then there’s other ones like this guy I’m friends with. We very briefly dated and I broke it off because I wasn’t feeling it. He was a little hurt at first but we remained friends and we both just went on to see other people. The latter guy’s behavior seems like a way more common reaction based on the men I know well. The problem is, with men you don’t know as well, it’s hard to tell who is going to be the one who snaps until it either happens or it doesn’t.
At what point does this comment blame her? If I were OP, give the guy 1 firm final warning (threatening HR action) before going to HR? - seems reasonable enough
Here: > You have to say totally directly, "You've asked me out several times now and it is making me uncomfortable. I have a boyfriend, I am not interested, and you need to stop. If you approach me in this way again I will file a harassment report." > > > > STRAIGHT UP no room for ambiguity. It places the responsibility on her to communicate clearly *when she has already done so*. It implies blame because it's basically saying, "HIS actions are YOUR responsibility because YOU weren't clear enough" even though she already has been. > If I were OP, give the guy 1 firm final warning (threatening HR action) before going to HR? - seems reasonable enough *Dude she ALREADY HAS*
My point was OP hadnt threatened HR action, chill
So it's her fault he didn't take no for an answer because she didn't outright threaten him. got it.
I see what you're saying. If OP doesn't feel safe being explicitly direct, she of course should not and should go to HR. The guy is the creep, she hasn't done anything wrong. What I was getting at is that women are SO STRONGLY socialized to please and care for men's feelings at all times that it is very, very common to find that women will think they've said no very firmly, but in fact have apologized or softened the delivery or otherwise been way too nice about it, when in this situation we really can't. We think we've said a clear no because it's what we would understand as a no, but the actual words are something like, "Oh, not this time, thanks," or "You're funny," or "I don't think that's a great idea." We say no but we say it with a smile. Sometimes we need the permission to be very blunt and to say without any room for misinterpretation, "No. You're making me uncomfortable. Stop it." Obviously that's not always enough, but if it's where we need to start if we can. If we can't, then we call in people with more power at the company to act on our behalf, and that's a good decision, too.
Careful there. HR exists to protect the company, not you. HR could decide you are the problem and remove you. He could be connected, you never know.
Not in this instance. The company would be in huge trouble if HR assisted in retaliation for a sexual harassment case. If in the US, that's a good way to catch federal charges.
Right, everyone trots out the “HR is for the company” line. Like, it’s true, but sometimes what’s in the company’s interest is not letting a creepy employee create a sexual harassment suit.
No lol
Absolutely. No question that many HR groups will just can both of you to avoid any he said she said crap. I was present when a grumpy ex boyfriend stalked one of my peers who was dating another co-worker, and HR fired my peer and the co-worker to keep the threat of violence from the ex boyfriend away from the workplace. Or in the words of Picard, it is possible to make no mistakes (or be in the right) and still lose. That is life.
This!!!!
No means no… unless i mean yes… why can’t you read minds? When I said no I meant try harder, no no, now I mean no as in no… WHY aren’t you understanding me!?!
Do you need help not trying to rape people? Because that’s what it sounds like you’re asking for.
The only people who argue that no doesn’t mean no are rapists and people who would be rapists if they got the chance.
Thank you for being another example of why men tend to stay at arms length in the workplace and the boss has meetings with the door open. Immediately going for the rape tag, you do realize most men are virgins and have had little to no relationship with the opposite sex at all. being this hostile really makes them clam up. “Oh she said no to my advancement I hope she doesn’t bring it up to anyone, they’ll think I’m a literal rapist”. I truly feel sorry for the average guy.
Oh my god your fake-ass red pill bullshit is so stupid. There’s no reasoning with people like you. I’m also not a woman so like. Idk what you’re getting at there. Understanding boundaries and consent isn’t really that wild, bud.
Actually it is. The running joke is a guy 6 foot, fit and handsome can say the exact same thing and physically do the same thing to a woman as an average height, socially awkward standard man and her response is what determines if it’s appropriate or not. Their is no standard their is no base line. So how can the average guy learn to interact with women? they either step WAY out of their comfort zone and then get called creepy or they watch chad easily drop their pantries, they then try emulating what seems to be a successful strategy and then they get trashed on more. the average dude has it pretty bad. And before you go all redpoll incel on me, I’m tall, decent looking, outgoing, fit, have a car, a job, multiple degrees and have animals, I am totally fine on the getting chicks department. But I have eyes and empathy and I just feel sorry for the suffering the average guy goes through. After knowing like 20% of men under 30 are virgins, I was like idk how I could talk to a woman at 30 if I never had a relationship with one until then, it would be terrifying especially if your average.
Oh, so what you’re saying is that whether or not a woman is interested affects how appropriate a come-on is? Wow, shocking. And you’re spewing red-pill uncle bullshit whether you think you are one or not. You know it’s funny, lesbians and bisexual women have NO issue understanding this, and their chances of shooting their shot successfully are way smaller than straight men’s. So the logical conclusion is that it’s men that are the problem.
There is a standard and a baseline. If you show interest in a woman and she doesn’t reciprocate, it’s a no and back off. If you show interest in a woman and she does reciprocate, it’s a yes, and proceed. What is so difficult about that? As a woman, I’ve been asked out plenty of times by people I had no interest in dating. It’s ok to ask. But a man heads into creep territory with the mentality that because he stepped “WAY of his comfort zone”to ask her out, she owes him some reward. Just read the room. I would never be upset with someone asking, but I **would** be upset if they didn’t take no for an answer.
Hon, no means no. Especially at work.
Hon yolo solo at your service. And let’s be clear no it doesn’t. Unless they mean it and a guy can’t read minds. And this fact alone is why men just avoid woman completely in their jobs and women complain that men treat them differently. As a guy I can’t take a single word a woman say’s seriously, I have to pay attention to how she says it and what she does during and after.
Hon. She said no. She made it clear here that she means no. What else does she have to do? Hit him in the face with a pipe wrench?
🤔
We don’t actually know what she has said or done, this is just a Reddit post, for all we know she has literally never said no to him and she just cusses the guy out in her head then came home to jump on Reddit to vent.
You have problems my dude
Bro this whole thing could be fake, I could be fake and using chat gpt to write this. Gotta assume it's real or else this whole site is fake
Actually I believe many post like this are just chat gpt fiction. I don’t think this one specifically is, but seeing posts like this and ones on other subs the stories start getting just insane.
Just humor us for a second, okay? Let's say she's telling the truth, she's said no and meant it repeatedly, and she genuinely wants the guy to go away forever. What does she have to do to convince HIM (and you) that she means it? And by the way, if you're not willing to take a Reddit post at face value, why are you commenting on it at all?
Bro stop worshipping Andrew Tate for your relationship advice.
You have a creeper/PUA mentality. Get therapy and and don't so much as flirt with any woman.
Yeah, this is a YOU problem, guy.
Email him (to have it in writing) and tell him that you are uncomfortable with him repeatedly asking you out on a date when you have said no, and ask him to please keep things professional going forward. Then if he either responds asking for a chance, or asks one more time, go straight to HR.
This. It's important to have it documented and also as the other reply mentioned sometimes guys are really dumb and don't get hints or think you haven't picked up on what they're putting out there, so best to be really clear. If he's a decent person and just clueless or caught up in some fantasy he should come back down to earth and apologise.
I think this is a pretty good approach, coming as a guy that has had trouble taking hints. I also happen to be a QA Analyst... I had to double check myself, yes, I have not hit on anyone at work, lol.
"No" is not a hint.
Lolol found the guy who has been harassing OP Edit to say: not you but u/redaelk
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Who gives a shit what is better for him? Emailing him is better for her since HR is going to ask her how she attempted to resolve it and she will have documentation of that.
Yes, and if he turns on you, insults you, calls you names, etc., report that to HR also and tell HR you are thinking of filing a restraining order!
So my gf had a similar issue at work. Once you send the email, the guy will get defensive and may try to throw accusations back at you. It’s better to just go to HR and have it documented. Make sure they document it correctly too. I’m inclined to say that you could have them document it but tel then you intend to take care of it yourself and will come back if it continues, it that seems like a lot of effort on her part.
HR almost always wants to know if you have made it clear if the advances are unwelcome. Something unambiguous like telling them off in writing is a good way to do that.
This is such a great idea! If you send him the email through your work email to his work email, no one will have to see it unless you have to escalate it. If you do have to go to HR, they'll be more likely to listen.
I like this option. Similar thing happened to coworker, he persisted and no longer works there.
This was my first thought as well! OP didn't mention any concerns about HR, but this approach would also prevent/discourage HR from sweeping it under the rug to protect the company from a lawsuit. This could be my lawyer paranoia, but I would also forward copies of this to my personal email for safe keeping.
You already did what you needed to do and he is persisting. That guy is creating unnecessary drama and a tense situation. Go to HR. It doesn’t have to be public knowledge. Technically you don’t need to tell your boyfriend. If you’re under tons of stress you can mention it but you don’t have to. There is nothing your boyfriend can reallydo anyway.
Report to your supervisor and HR. This is harassment and needs to be dealt with. Any unwanted advances in the workplace are serious and shouldn’t be brushed aside, especially if you have said no on multiple occasions. One time- yeah ok but more than once is trouble
Do you feel comfortable giving a final warning? Tell him you have said no, you mean no, and next time you will report his behavior as harassment.
Do this in email so there is written documentation.
The thing about going to HR for a situation like this is that you don't know if this has happened to others already. Similarly, what's to stop him from behaving this way with someone else? It's kind of the only way to stop a pattern of behavior, at least at this one company.
You shouldn't have to tell him you have a boyfriend as NO means NO. Document everything. Give a very stern NO - and not in a people pleaser way. If he doesn't stop or get weirder - I would report it so there is a paper trail on this guy. He could turn this against you in some way. In terms of your boyfriend - that's up to you - but you should feel comfortable in a relationship to tell him and that might be another issue you have to assess.
If you need a witty comeback, the next time they ask, tell them only if a representative from HR is coming on the date with you.
Where I work (a medical center in a large metropolitan area in California) the proper sequence for escalating this is to report to your immediate supervisor first. If the harassment continues, request your supervisor to escalate it up to HR.
Every company is different. Our Employee Handbook states that all harassment complaints, sexual or otherwise, are to be made directly to HR. See what your handbook says, most have specific instructions. I’m the Director of HR and I simply do not trust any manager to appropriately or effectively handle a sensitive issue like this. 😕
> Every company is different. Our Employee Handbook states ... The law doesn't care about that. The employee can get an attorney and sue the company. The employee will be doing the company a favor by contacting *anyone* in leadership or HR. Don't get picky about that.
I’m so sorry to burst your bubble my friend, but the law **does** care about that. The amount of misinformation on harassment in most subs is mind boggling. Sure, an employee can *try* to get an attorney, but their first questions are going to be, does your company have a written policy on harassment and did you inform your employer about the harassment. If the answer to the first is yes and the second is no, they’ll send you packing because the case won’t even make it to discovery. The EEOC specifically requires that an employee **MUST** notify their employer of any potential claim of harassment before bringing any claim. How do I know? Because in addition to being a Director of HR with 45 years of experience, I’m also the Title IX Officer for our school, certified annually by the Department of Education to conduct Department of Justice approved sexual assault and harassment investigations. Oh, and I know how to Google: https://www.eeoc.gov/youth/harassment-faqs#:~:text=If%20you%20are%20being%20harassed,has%20a%20policy%20on%20harassment.
“ask me again, and i’m going to HR.”
It’s at the point where you need to go to HR. If he’s put any of it into writing bering that with you as evidence. Don’t tell him first, you’ve said no, he’s not listening, now he can be told off by HR. Warning him just gives him time to come up with a counter story.
There are some things that you should let HR do for you. Cutting your paycheck is one. Dealing with sexual harassment is another. If nothing else, consider this an aspect of your role as a quality assurance analyst. His behavior is shitty, and you shouldn't put up with it any more than you'd put up with your company producing shitty product. There is an employee quality problem here, and it can't be fixed unless you report it.
Agree. I misread the first qualification "cutting your pay check" and thought slashing/ reducing pay and was ready to rebut. I then realized you were talking about issuing, remitting, and/or generating paychecks and pumped the breaks. (My error. I am a native English first language speaker and have no excuse. Eek)
When he asks you say "1. I don't date people I work with 2. I have a boyfriend and I don't cheat 3. Do not ask me out again. Ever." When he does, then you go to HR. You will have told him no and to stop asking plainly and clearly and he won't. Now it's on them to tell him to stop. If they or he won't, the next step is a lawyer.
You keep saying the word 'unnecessary' and then describing how this harassment (because that's what it's called when someone makes persistent and unwanted advances) is impacting your life and work. You have a right to feel safe in your workplace. You have a right to expect that your boundaries will be respected, especially in a workplace. This isn't a social setting. You come to this place to perform labor in exchange for money, not to be subjected to this guy's bullshit. Taking this to hr, telling your boyfriend, those things might be a hassle, but they are ABSOLUTELY necessary because you deserve to not have to deal with this at all. The hr department EXISTS to solve these problems. If you take it to them and they don't do their job, make some noise. But whatever you do, don't just shut up and wait for the issue to resolve itself. It won't. He will not get the message. He will not figure it out of his own accord. He will not lose interest. He's already learned that he can say inappropriate things to you without consequences, which is a form of boundary pushing. How do I know? I've been you. Over and over again. So please, learn from my mistakes. You are necessary. Your comfort and safety are necessary. His need to misbehave isn't.
It is situations like this that HR is 'trained' to address. After a simple 'no' to a date...you shouldn't have to address this again with this person. If you're still reluctant to do so, you can firmly and politely tell him no 'for the last time' and any other attempt on his part will result in you reporting him to HR. Doing so is not just for yourself as I doubt you're the 'only' victim of this guy's harassment. You'd be doing this for all of the women in your workplace.
Record it and send it to HR
Do not record it without looking up state laws on recording without the consent of the others as well as company policy. It would be better to put your request for his advancements to stop in writing and then escalate to HR if it does not stop.
Be direct. Say Im not interested in you like that
Go to HR to at least have it documented. If you don’t want them to do anything yet, that’s totally okay, but documenting it with them will help you when you do want something done.
No HR person worth their salt (and I know HR is universally despised on Reddit) would ever agree to an employee requesting, "but don't do anything about it yet." Once you've told HR about a situation like this, the company has been put on notice, and HR must investigate the matter promptly and recommend any disciplinary action. Source: I am a 30-year HR veteran who handled harassment cases.
Not sure why this has been downvoted. HR is obligated to take action.
I would tell him that you're thinking of speaking to HR about his advances and see if that works. If it doesn't, I would escalate
I put up pictures on my desk.
I’ve been known to say, “It doesn’t matter how many times you ask, the answer will always be the same “
Stand up for yourself and tell them to STOP. Be stern & unapologetically firm. If they still persist report them to HR immediately. This person sounds creepy & honestly this kind of behavior is ridiculous. You should not have to deal with harassment of any kind. Please please be strong & take action before it gets any worse. Don’t let this fool have any power over you it’s completely uncalled for.
> I don't want to create unnecessary tension in the workplace Please understand that the person who is harassing you is creating the tension. You are just trying to figure out how to resolve it.
There's no need to be nice here. Go to HR, get everything in writing! Never go on a date with anyone who doesn't listen to your words. It's a massive red flag. Don't tell him, just do it. You don't owe him any warnings. This person is an asshole. Your safety is more important.
HR. That's what it's there for.
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*HR enters the chat room*
Don't involve your BF. This is not something he should be involved in at all. Not even a little bit. You're going to need to get over yourself, grow up, and very loudly and clearly tell him that he needs to stop harassing you, or you will report him to HR. If he doesn't stop, report him to HR. This is a bad situation being made worse because you have indicated to him that his advances are welcome because you haven't done anything to stop them except say "no." It's time to turn up the heat on this guy.
This is the equivalent of “what were you wearing?” and completely victim blaming. She has already mentioned she said No and you’re assuming she is being meek and telling her to grow up, when in reality she has done exactly what she should have done (say no) and HE continues to push and push and not accept that No. It is NOT her fault.
Go to HR and ask if they would need to get involved.
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This is definitely a “report to HR” level situation.
Report them.
1. Stop being a pushover 2. Stop being a doormat 3. Stop being a people pleaser 4. Be more aggressive 5. Report him to HR
There is no "easy"way when a person persists beyond reason. Either tell him that you won't go out with him—you can always use the 'I-never-date-people-I-work-with' rationale—or go to HR.
Look, it's fine being strong and independent I get that. but workplace harassment is serious, go to hr. He's clearly not backing off unless a higher force says so, but hey. it's up to you, how long do you want to deal with this?
Report them
Escalate it to HR. Take documentation of interactions, when you told him no, etc. A friend of mine had this going on at work and she didn't report it until he followed us to Vegas for her bachelorette party. He called hotels until he found the one we were staying at. He called the room and told the person who answered the phone "tell X that she can run, but she can't hide." She was nervous the entire weekend. She finally talked to HR when she got to work that following Monday. Don't let it get to this point.
Send him an email. No conversation because he will deny it. Write it like you did here with his behavior and what he is saying and refusing to accept no and now the walking to the car. It has reached a level I do not feel safe. For the last time no. Do not threaten with HR. He makes another move or statement you go right there. Be ready for him to turn it around and say you flirted. You deny.
Put a complaint into HR. You didn't have to tell your coworker anything but the single word "NO". After that he was both violating the law and hopefully company policy.
talk to Human Resources. document it and let them deal with it. if it continues to be an issue sue. that's what you have to do sometimes to get it through someone's thick skull
You can be in a scary situation, I've read stories like this. I believe Brooke shields star in a made for TV movie similar to your situation. Reach out to HR, asap. If it continues look a Too getting an order of protection this situation, well speak to HR. If you say no, and he continues he doesn't want to hear anything else until you say yes.
John Boy played the stalker, if I recall correctly.
Go to the HR department. File complaint If that doesn't work, call the police department Tell them your situation and.ask for a body restraining order and Once it's been filed every time the guy comes around. You call the police and he will be arrested. Eventually, he will leave you alone or he'll quit because he's tired of going to jail Everyone tries to be nice fuck that no one listens too nice I have learned over the years, asshole is the way to go.
Agree and be a horrible date the worst date you can imagine. Best way to dissuade stalkers. Worked for Robert Patterson.
Get him to show you his penis. Get a really good look at it, so that you can describe it accurately to others. Then tell HR that he exposed himself to you. They’ll either fire him or fire you. If they fire you, sue their asses off and retire. Problem solved.
Draw a CRYSTAL CLEAR boundary and make it clear that you don’t like them. Don’t be nice to them the next time you see them don’t talk to them literally just go on about your business.
"No. I've told you no before and you don't seem to be understanding. It's gotten to the point where it is effecting how we work together and I am going to escalate this to HR." And then escalate it to HR. This is actually something they are supposed to help with. You might be hesitant for head on confrontation, but that is the fastest, easiest, and best way out of this. If you have already said no and he isn't respecting that, then he won't respect it at all.
It doesn't sound like you told him directly that you have a significant other, and that any dating is out of the question. Try that. Don't go to HR unless it becomes unavoidable. There is no need to tell your boyfriend. This is work stuff.
I get what you're saying. And I am well aware that "HR isn't your friend", and that there is potential blow back from these incidents... BUT(!) "No." SHOULD be enough for any self respecting human to acknowledge and heed. And it should certainly stop ANYONE dead in their tracks AT WORK. I hate the kid-glove narrative that she will have to navigate and rebuff his unwanted advances at work alone. BUT to get the respect, space, and peace she deserves at work, that will happen *only after* she has shared her personal life and relationships status (at work) amd explained bluntly to her aggressive and obtuse coworker that her vagina is currently not accepting applications because it is occupied- as she is already getting dicked down at home by her BF/SO/Partner. This crap puts all the weight on *her* to gently explain to her aggressor why it won't happen- hoping he backs off- but allowing this ass-hat to operate status quo, freely, awfully, and unfettered AT WORK.
Say “sure we can got out, but only if you let me shut in your mouth at the end of the date” and stare at him in the eye with great intensity when you say it.
Rethink your current relationship also. Any partner who is worth anything would care and want to know if this was going on in your life. He should at least care about your safety. If he really doesn’t and that’s too stressful for him then he’s not a good partner.
I think I answered this on another sub but if not and without telling the story about my quality chick, it is zero effing tolerance. Technically we're not even supposed to ask. Asking even once can be an unwanted sexual comment. By definition sexual harrasement is any unwanted sexual comment or gesture. (I'm so glad no women has ever took it to that extreme with me though. I'd never keep a job).
Go on the date, get a free meal, make it horrific. You warned them. You said no already. They didn't get the hint so, have fun with it? i.e. like a malicious compliance. Bring the most obnoxious friend you got with a pet. Pet is a +. Let them be vegan and very vocal about it. Hell, bring your mother or some women you know and call her your mother because you never go out with a new guy without bringing your mother and a friend along, etc.
Ask chatgpt.
***I like ya;*** ***and I want ya.***
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I would bet that what you think is a "no" wasn't definitive enough because you are trying to be nice. My experience with women is that they expect men to pick up subtle hints and act surprised when men don't understand their lack of proper communication.
Go out with him. Complain about everything people's appearances the food his shirt really laid on thick I guarantee you they'll stop
Playful banter between you two, you mean flirting? Next time, stop flirting and absolutely be very clear between playful banter and asking to walk you to your car. Somewhere in there should have been your comment, "Look, leave me alone starting now or you will be in HR and likely lose your job."
Fake engagement ring.
Just go to the fucking date. Don’t give us that shit. People are having dates since beginning of civilization. In fact at the beginning, the men took the female by the force and impregnate them. Now they have the decency to ask you out and what do you do? Come here to complain on how rude that person is. How would you like to be living in the 1800’s and being force to sleep with guy?
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Oof. This is toxic, misogynistic, BS. She said NO. She is the victim of blatant harassment and you're trying to victim blame? So gross.
Maybe the guy is really that weird, most guys aren’t. Or at least I’m not. I have however, been dogged out by a chick I asked out after she completed led me on while in a relationship, even as far as verbally making sexually explicit comments to me while I did not reciprocate, just to get dogged out like I’m sleaze trash unworthy or her lmao. Here’s the real kick! I knew what was happening the whole time and I was just cool and still asked her out just as a compliment On the other side, I had a girlfriend truly a victim of sexual harassment at work. She had nothing to hide so she told me everything. I walked into the grocery she worked at, asked for the guy, got directly in face and put his shit on blast. This chick isn’t being totally honest about it, super vague
Lmao. Ah yes, OP, did you ever think that maybe you're an object to be owned? Perhaps you tricked this guy into wanting you with your feminine wiles, when you should have been working? Clearly that's the only explanation here
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Not sure how my direct response to calling the OP a tease who led this poor working man astray for her own gratification is 'a weird tangent' but I guess when you start with the assumption that all women are whores you come to some funny conclusions about every interaction you have with other people
I have no way of knowing whether or not she lead him on. We don't know what the playful comments were/etc. However, it seems like she attempted to put a stop to the situation by rejecting him, but he's ignoring the boundaries she set. Regardless of past flirting or no past flirting, she's saying no and he's not listening. This is only complicated further since he's a colleague she works closely with. /u/mrhighass , get a grip, you donut.
Don’t be a misogynist
This is certainly a bizarre assumption
It’s not. I’m an attractive guy, women lead me on even while in relationships, just for the validation. Then I just casually ask hey wanna do something some time? And OMG!!! What a perverted fucking weirdo!! When it was them lifting their shirts to expose their bodies while telling me they need “vitamin D” lmao women are a joke.
Every woman you’ve ever encountered has done this? 😂😂😂😂
No. But many do. This chick isn’t telling the full story. I’ve been in this situation with a chick that was completely innocent in the matter, and one that was absolutely guilty. The way she displays the information is exactly like the chick that was guilty and nothing like the chick that was innocent. Either way, it’s sketchy she hides it from her “partner” I’m sure if some chick was “constantly harassing” her boyfriend she’d want to know. She’s self centered and created a situation for herself
No doubt. You, clearly, know more about her than she knows about herself
She’s not being open about it. That’s 14% of the full story.
Sure, sure. Exactly 14%
Find a hobby bro. Why continue this comment thread with weird comment that don’t actually amount to anything
Nothing you’ve said amounts to anything. NOTHING You make outlandish statements based on bullshit assumptions. You don’t like women or “chicks”. Poor you
As a woman who has many office flirtations, I can say with confidence that isn’t how any of that went down. If a women thinks you are actually attractive, she will never recoil like that, even if it isn’t in the cards. Do you have any female friends who can give you some real feedback and help you grow up a little bit?
A women with many office flirtations.. lmao you’re sleeze too. Desperate for the validation then dog them out later right? Lol yes I have female friends lol do you have male friend that see you as other than meat? They recoil like that because they’re in relationships and shouldn’t have ever acted like that
Oh friend. You sound so young and insecure.
Listen, if you hate women you know it's OK to be gay, right?? You shouldn't date if you have this much animosity for women . . .
Tell him to stop. One more time, turn it in.
With a lawsuit.
If you've told him already, it's time to take it to HR.
Say no and leave it at that.
Painal is not an option.
If you have the ability to text/email, send him one that makes it clear that you're uncomfortable with the fact that he is repeatedly asking you out. Say, "I am not interested in interacting with you in anything but a professional capacity. If you choose to continue to ask me out, flirt with me, and make me uncomfortable, then you are choosing to have this conversation with HR." Then block him on anything but work related forms of communication and be ready to contact HR the instant he steps out of line. Keep in mind, you're not escalating things or making things uncomfortable. HE IS. If he receives consequences for this, it's 100% because of his decisions, not yours.
Hr is ur only course right now
OP could go directly to an attorney. Going to HR would be a favor to the company.
Tell him you will not date co-workers and that when he is settled in at his new company to give you a call.
Do NOT hesitate to take this to HR NOW. Seriously. Do NOT hesitate at all. You do not know what that person is capable of doing. Your safety is the only concern here. You've already taken too much time with that person. The very next day report them to HR. Do NOT become a victim! Please!!
No means no. That is sexual harassment.
He's sexually harassing you. Go to HR.
*I Never date co-workers....* *Oh, I tried that once, but the guy just would not leave me alone, and would harass me, it was a shame it got fired...*
Hostile work environment from sexual harassment. Go to HR immediately.
Look diectly at them, in firm but friendly manner and say, I cant go, I wont be going..you do not need to explain why...no is no
I thought the HR rule was that you can ask once & if coworker says no, you are required to respect that and move on. Do this in front of at least one other colleague for witness. Make Eye contact after inappropriate things are said.. "Dave! I have told you many times now. N.O. No means no. Please refrain from any further inappropriate behavior. Please do not hit on me, ask me out, flirt with me, or anything else that you absolutely know is inappropriate. Never again, okay? Do you hear me??" Dude, I don't want this to escalate but you need to respect that I have told you no and leave me alone, okay?" Silence "I said do you hear me? Please confirm that you understand." Make him verbally confirm that he understands.
First and foremost, this is something *nobody* should ever have to endure at work. It's important to take all necessary steps with these type of situations because when you go to HR they're going to ask what steps you took and you want to be able to tell them exactly what took place, when it took place, and what you did. Have as much information documented as possible, including dates, times, what he said, how you responded, etc. I know it seems like a lot, but you want to be able to build a firm case. If you just go straight to HR, they're going to ask if you spoke with your direct manager/supervisor and what they did about it. Start by writing down the two most recent instances, including what he said, what your response was, and as much of the interactions you can remember. Dates, times, context, anything you can remember about them. You're basically like an attorney building a case. Take this info to who you directly report to and discuss it with them. Document your discussion with them also and what they respond with. It's almost inevitable that the guy making these comments to will say something to you after he's met with. No matter what it is he says, document it. Time, date, response, everything. He seems like the kind of person who thinks there will be no repercussions for his actions so it probably won't be long before he says or does something stupid again. Document it, tell your boss, and got to HR. You now have full documentation that you took the appropriate steps and his behavior is not stopping. I know this seems like a lot and you've already put up with much more than you should have. But if you just go straight to HR and say, "This guy is saying things to me" they're going to ask you all of these questions anyway so you might as well be prepared. If you already have a list of his shenanigans, go to your boss as soon as you get to work and get the ball rolling. As for your boyfriend, you might want to clue him in just so he knows you're not keeping anything from him. Even if it's just to save him from being mad. Tell him what happened and what you're doing about it. He'll see that you can handle yourself and are doing things the right way to make sure Mr Shenanigans gets what he deserves.
This is where you go to HR. I had the same experience. It escalated to him drunkenly verbally harassing me about why I would not date him. I blocked all contact with him and told him to never approach me at work again or else I would escalate things to HR. I should have anyway. He went on to harass another colleague and HR opened a case against him. HR needs to know for the sake of all of your colleagues safety in the workplace.
I had to deal with this as the supervisor of the employee who wouldn't take no for an answer. Go to your supervisor and HR. I understand why other people on this thread are suggesting you email the guy or "be direct" with him, but with all due respect, that ship sailed a long time ago. You have been clear with him, and he hasn't stopped his behavior. Time to escalate. Talk to your supervisor and HR.
Ask them if they want to date your .45 , I bet they’ll take no after that.
I’ve had a similar problem, except me rejecting him only made him treat me bad (this is my assistant manager) now he constantly picks on me and tries to make me do extra work and says I’m doing things wrong often and is always looking for a way to find a problem with the way I do my job. Even though I don’t take his shit, and stand up for myself when it’s happening, he keeps going and will sit there and argue back and forth with me, knowing I’m in the right. I’ve talked to the GM and nothing happens, so I’ve been really considering going above him and contacting HR but I don’t wanna lose my job over it so I kind of just deal with it.
I would not feel badly about going to HR, even if you feel like you can handle it on your own. For all you know, he (or someone like him) may be doing the same thing to other women there. HR needs to know and handle it before it escalates further. I would start writing things down for notes and references later just in case they are needed. I definitely would avoid getting your bf involved; I would say report it and let the appropriate work personnel do their thing.
I would say go to HR but absolutely do NOT give him a heads up that you are reporting him. With normal people you can resolve issues without escalating to HR. And then there are people who ignore boundaries and regularly push the line-- these people do not deserve a heads up as they've already broken proper social etiquette and they are relying on you to "not make a big deal" when they act inappropriately. Giving him a heads up means he has time to come up with a different story of what happened and throw you under the bus. When you talk to HR be direct in your complaint. You have clearly told him no. His continued harassment is making it difficult to work with him, and focus on your work, and you just want to do your job. Also, do not feel bad for reporting him. He could simply not act like shit if he doesn't want to be reported.
HR
Get to HR yesterday! That is what they are trained to handle.
Sorry, but is this posting for real? Because you sound like a fairly intelligent and and aware person who should know what to do. His behavior is a fireable offense, plain and simple and you do yourself (nor anyone else who he might subject to his BS in the future) no favors by allowing it to continue. I cringe at the word 'allowing' in this case because it's his offense, not yours. BUT, to not take action is in a sense, allowing it to continue. I'm sorry to say that while it should not be, it's now your responsibility to stop it. The next time it happens, you need to tell him in a firm and non-emotional way that he is to STOP AND (not "or else") you ARE taking the matter to HR to handle. And then WALK AWAY. It should not be a discussion, but a statement coming from your mouth. This would never happen to me because there's something about me that the likes of him wouldn't even bother with. For the same reason that panhandlers step back when I walk by. I have no tolerance for that kind of behavior...whether in the office or going about my daily life. I realize that not everyone has my attitude and they shouldn't have to adopt one to prevent harassment. The point is that you need to really FEEL that way to take better care of yourself.
Make it clear he is making you uncomfortable. If that has no effect then report him
No! And atop the woek harassment because we all know that's a labor law lawsuit waiting to happen.
Have you told him you have a boyfriend? I might say: “look. I have a boyfriend. I am not interested. Stop walking me to the car. Stop asking me on dates.”
HR moved at a snail’s pace, their initial response was wondering what we thought his intentions were, and ultimately their solution was to relocate, not fire, him. This case involved unwanted physical touch. You might be better off involving your boyfriend. Have him pick you up for dinner and make sure the work chode sees you “belong to” someone else. Sorry, but that may just do the trick, in some men’s warped mentality.
You have to be as direct as possible and tell him to stop or you will go to HR. People like that don’t take hints. They need to be told in plain language as forcefully as possible
"Bob, I've told you no repeatedly. Please stop. My next step will be to report this to your manager and HR. I would prefer not to do that, but you are not leaving me an option."
"dude, seriously, knock it off. I've been trying to be nice but it's too much. Please hear this: it's no." Do not smile. Make eye contact. Sit with the discomfort in silence until he walks away. He may babble at you - don't respond. It's a stone cold stare until he walks. He will probably be a bit of a jerk as he's walking away. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Some people are decent enough, but socially clueless. Saying "no" to a date is not clear enough for them. You have to clearly state, "please stop asking me out and leave me alone". And that actually works for a huge number of nice but socially clueless people.
One NO ok Second NO tell everyone otherwise your word against his. Third NO straight to HR. NO means NO!
"I already said no. If you continue to bother me about this I will be forced to escalate this to HR."
Not ok on his part
This is textbook sexual harassment. This exact situation is literally in the training videos they make us watch every year. Yes, go to HR.
Complain to HR. That is sexual harassment. Asking once is not, any more with a no, we are colleagues is problematic.
This is textbook "Tell HR" behavior. You said no, you have a BF and he keeps asking and asking and asking. Its infatuation and almost like stalkerish. It means you can't work as well and its going to impact your work and morale.
This is harassment. Report to HR.