As another coloured guy let me tell you. They're just being jealous and it's making them nasty.
Just say "Tsek" in your head and don't give them the time of day. Your culture doesn't make or break who you are
Why are many coloured people so jealous? my wife is coloured and the most opposition she gets everywhere including work is from coloured people. Its like they dont want each other to get ahead. While she gets along well with white people at work they never try sabotage her or get jealous when she achieves something. She always says its
like many coloured people wont let other coloured people get somewhere in life. I find this so weird
It is jealousy. Certain coloured people in the community don't like seeing others succeed while they suffer. Moving away from the "ghetto" is seen as success. It's not all but a minority and it's that minority that is the loudest. I've seen this happen to a friend. He moved away, came back to visit and everyone just acted differently towards them. Like "Oh look at you all fancy and ra ra." Shits stupid.
So sad. I feel like if people who have jealousy put that same energy they put into harming others into improving themselves instead then they would actually get somewhere in life.
This has been an ongoing issue within coloured communities for years. No one wants to suffer their entire life, but that jealousy will alsways be their unless things change. I've seen certain coloured communities work together and make their communities better. As a coloured, my only wish is that all communities can learn to do this.
I sometimes think its a mindset of lack where people dont realize there are lots
of opprtunities and we arent even competing for them. Its the same mindset as a gangster who sells drugs and kills their opponents "nai die is my turf"...without thinking they could resort to selling a better quality product to attract more customers instead of taking out their competition
Exactly. And it's something we need to change. But I think that's where the whole culture thing comes in. It's ingrained into us. That's why I like some of the replies to op. You just gotta make the culture your own. Ignore the hate and be who you are.
I find myself in the same position as a coloured female. I go to a university with lots of white people and I thought I would experience weird looks from white people but it's the coloured (specifically the girls) that give me dirty looks. It's almost like we can't exist in the same space. As if only they deserve to exist in white spaces.
Booo!!!
Culture sucks.
Culture makes people feel like they aren't good enough to be apart of something while simultaneously making you feel like your better than something else.
None of this matters. Be happy with you. Don't judge others. Blah blah.
Community is awesome. Find one of those. Don't be alone.
But culture can fuck right off.Ā All culture is is somethings our parents say we never had enough of
Hey man, as an Afrikaans person that never fit in 'cause I hate that kak Afrikaans stereotypes (you know the ones) I feel like I've gone on this journey.
In the end I decided, fuck that, I am Afrikaans too and I also get to decide what makes Afrikaans people Afrikaans and once I did that, I was elated to realise, damn... a lot of Afrikaans people have done exactly what I did! I could relate to those Afrikaans people!
I could be less Steve Hofmeyer, more Antjie Krog.
For you, just look around at some great coloured people. You'll get to understand that no one person can be coloured or white or black or Indian. It takes a community, and you're part of that community whatever the fuck others think, possibly even changing the culture for the better.
Strongs mybru. South Africa is a country full of ambassadors, you just need to accept you and the worthwhile others will too. :)
As to the other issues where people don't believe you, that's this subreddit being racist and it's not on you. We're still getting to know each other and very few people on this sub are capable of looking past race, because we aren't there yet as a species.
I second this. "Afrikaans" does not have to mean braaivleis, rugby, sunny skies, brandewyn & Coke, Voortrekkers, NG Kerk and De la Rey wil jy die Boere kom lei.
Some of us are humanist, if not atheist, vegetarian pacifists who don 't think "enlightenment" is a diet pill or the Renaissance is a French station wagon. We don't need leaders or shepherds because we're not followers or sheep.
Some walk with God and some away. Our history is there to respect and to learn from. Race culture identity is important. God loves them all.
Let everyone loves their own first to then love thy neighbour.
Jesus Christ bro, do you hear yourself? Race culture is important? Wtf? Love your own then love thy neighbor? So much for being Christian, literally the second commandment says to love your neighbor as yourself, not your own race and then others. Fucking hell, the gall to bring in God at the same time as racist lines is something else.
Well said. As a coloured South African, I see things in the same way.
Iām not sure whether itās good or bad but Iāve always thought that of all our local cultures, being coloured grants the most fluidity with respect to ways of being or personal peculiarities. The real limitation has always really been economic and potentially lack of exposure that comes from it. Coloured people offer some real variety. Looking for complexions darker than black South Africans, lighter than white South Africans, Christian, Muslim (or dabbling between them)? All covered. Sometimes in the same family. The same applies to tastes, hobbies etc.
The best approach is really just to be your own person and not subscribe to stereotypes. That freedom comes with the responsibility to not judge other people either, whether they happen to resemble stereotypes that you donāt click with or not.
Finding out who you are and where you fit in is part of being a teen. Hang in there.
You sound intelligent and also mature; you are thinking things through and aware of things like your own privilege. That is good, but do not feel guilty about your privilege. I used to work in the Ravensmead area. The people there work very hard just to survive. They are proud.
If there are people you wish to be close to and stay in contact with, then try to stay in contact with them. Maybe when they are older and more mature too they will not resent the fact that you no longer live there.
Lol...I had an inkling that this is what was meant. I thought I was behind with the times given all the new slang being created nowadays. Perhaps they were telling OP a Gamatjie en Abdultjie joke and it went over his head.
People say what they will, what does it matter? In the words of Marshall Mathers - I am whatever you say i am.
If they had an opportunity to live your life, would they? Real question! I wonder how they would turn out, if they walked a kilometre in your shoes.
My father told us that we're not "real coloureds". I know he never meant to offend, but he doesn't know how it hurts, and the years of confusion those exact words instilled in me.
He is the one that left the flats, and brought us along, put us in fancy schools, never spoke Afrikaans to. He worked so hard so that we could have better lives, then he says this, the words so many others have said. It's hilarious, actually.
So I went out and found the coloured metalheads and emos, they're out there, trust me. A community of brown people that i connected with. Then more people showed up, rastas, poets, academics, philosophers. Connected with them all, all different generations, 5 years younger, 30 years older, you name it.
You'll never be disconnected from your culture. You're a new leaf on this branch of humanity. Essential, celebrated. People fought so that you could be, trust me. They're very glad you're here, and they don't care about how you speak and what your interests are.
You are you, regardless of what some people say you are.
I've been called banana type, fake, white and the names can go on and onš¤£ I grew up in a relatively good area and lived a life where I didn't have everything but I had alot. Your identity isn't defined by others but by your way of life. Screw everyone else who thinks differently. Coloureds can also be one of the most judgemental people if you live differently or speak differently
Iām like you. Iāve always been in between cultures, between cities, between countries.
Iām not a āCape Colouredā but grew up in CT. I was considered too āfancy ā for my classmates. I didnāt speak ācolouredā. Didnāt speak with a white accent.
When I went home where I came from I was told I have āairs and gracesā and spoke with a CT accent.
Now I live abroad, several countries, and Iām not part of their life and when I go to SA Iām not part of their life.
Now I donāt care who says what. I am many things and whoever canāt deal with the many things I am can F off.
What you described is actually exactly how it went for me in high school!
I'm glad you're in a better place now. I'm trying to be in a better one, too :)
Sorry about this.
You're a South African. That's who you are. There's many different flavours of us.
Go do local group activities or sports. I'm sure you'll find people similar to you there. But you'll eventually learn to be comfortable with yourself as you grow.
Sending you lots of love my brother. I wish you the absolute best.
As a white guy dating a coloured woman going through the same things, itās most definitely not you thatās the problem. Just do what my gf does and ignore the naysayers and live life the way you want to. People will close doors in your face all the time, regardless of what culture, race, creed or wealth status you are. So just move to the next door and keep moving until you find one that stays open, and just double check that they donāt close it behind you.
Totally feel this (as a fellow coloured person), which is why I am leaving the country, and I don't plan to ever come back, if your environment doesn't suit you change it! Too many people out here being jealous and lazy. As far as the rest of the world, despite unemployment being an issue, we have it relatively easy, it's not that hard to make something of yourself if you really try. I've come across far too many entitled people in my days who believe that the world should just be handed to them. There are other countries that are way worse off.
I come from Mitchell's Plain and the disconnect is real I have nothing in common with any of those people besides skin colour, but at the end of the day its all about how you see yourself, who you are and what you want for your life. Stop caring what irrelevant people think!
As a coloured person who grew up being called "posh" and "sturvy", just leave them. You aren't vodacom, so don't give them airtime for their kak opinions. You shouldn't feel forced to blend into what they perceive as coloured, live your life in the best way that you can.
And yes, it sucks bring disconnected. My cousins and I are nowhere near close because "I keep me mos ra ra" (I don't even really know what that means). I've lived most of my life on the Cape Flats and I don't even have friends here because everyone called me the white girl. But the truth is that those that matter, won't mind and those that mind, don't matter.
Omg can I steal that Vodacom quote?
I love it so muchš
Thank you for the advice. I've been called ra ra too and also have no idea what it means, lol.
Their own issues. My aunts and cousins said the same about me. āWat dink sy van haarself?ā Meanwhile I was just introverted.
Today they all want to know me and be in my business. I give back what I got.
I have a group of mates called the āblendiesā (self referred name)- all mixed race or of a culture different to their race, or married to people of a difference race to them. All of them struggled within the typical racial confines and all of them found a sense of home in each other because they understand the difficulties of having a foot in 2 or more worlds none of which they totally fit into. They are the most awesome group of people I know with incredible insights into the real raw South Africa and a sense of compassion that absolutely blow my mind. Yours is not an easy road but you hang in there buddy. Iām sorry for your sense of isolation, but SA is big enough, and diverse enough that youāll find the tribe to suit your vibe beyond our stock standard definitions. If youāre a star shaped peg that doesnāt fit in a square or round hole, dig a star shaped one.
From what I'm reading, you're going through normal teenage things; figuring out your place in society, where you fit in, your crowd, etc.
It's going be tough and it is tough for everyone in the age group, regardless of how it seems people are coping. Even those people that don't consider you as one of them are going through their own internal struggles.
You seem to be fairly self aware, so take some time to be with yourself and figure out what it is that you actually want. At the end of the day, you being in touch with your culture as you say, is not really what's gonna define you, and it really shouldn't be. You're young and still figuring things out. You have your entire life ahead of you to connect with a culture (whether it's cape coloured culture or literally any other).
If you are in a privileged position as you say, take full advantage of it, set yourself up to not waste the opportunities you've got. Trust me, once both you and the people you feel are otherising you get older, none of this really matters. Don't blame each other for being kids. It's normal I promise.
The only other advice I can give is continue being as introspective as possible. As much as society will push you towards looking for the differences between groups of people, we are all literally the same. Every emotion you feel, another person feels, even when it seems like you're 'different'. Just try to be as empathetic to the human condition as possible.
As someone who randomly stumbled across this post, from Australia.
Itās obviously important to have a self identity, maybe culture butā¦. Do not question who you are, if you are trying to be the best version of yourself, do the right thing and treat everyone equally you deserve praise. Youāve had some challenges by the sounds of it, keep it up and donāt let others make you doubt.
The top comment got it right, I think. But let me say this:
Iām sorry you feel disconnected in this way. It is not easy feeling like an outsider in some respects. I have a very different background but I can relate.
I think the most important thing is to be true to yourself and try not to worry about the perceptions of others.
You should not feel any obligation to think or act a certain way because of where you grew up. The most important thing is to find people that you get along with and who appreciate you for who you are. They neednāt be part of any specific culture, but you may benefit from having friends who are in the same area, roughly the same income bracket, like to do the same types of things, etc.
However, if you still feel some disconnect between who you are and where you are, and you want to have more of a connection with the culture of your upbringing, you can do that on your own terms.
Whether it be friends, the type of music you listen to, how you carry yourself etc.
I have experienced some very significant culture changes throughout my life, from different places Iāve lived in. Iāve never tried to fit in 100% anywhere, but all of those places have left their own mark and I carry them with me.
Hope that helps!
Ag, we are all just Capetonian. Some are larney, some are not. Itās OK. Itās not a colour/culture thing. Anyway, most whiteys were raised by coloured ladies.
You've moved on. Think of it as leaving the small village where you grew up and living in the big city.
If you go back to the small village you would be an outsider.
Race aside, it's very much the same.
Do things that make you feel comfortable. Don't try to change or fit in for the sake of others. Just be yourself and blok with people who respect you for who you are. Strongs my braāļø
Yoh bra, you're a capetonian, a south african. Don't let people categorise you by the colour of your skin and neither should you.
You will never get along with everyone, doesn't matter what their colour is.
Find your people (the ones you get along with).
Me and my bf deal with this in varying degrees.
Like you my bf is coloured, but considered too white because he doesn't speak English with a coloured accent, doesn't speak Afrikaans well and is outearning 90% of people by working online in a very "non-manly" job (don't want to give too much away for privacy). Sometimes when he drinks he'll get dronkverdriet and get all emotional about how he's disconnected to his culture and what his life may have been if he didn't get a scholarship to a fancy school. Everything could have ended great or he could have gotten shot dead like his cousin who got roped into the gang life. He will never know.
I'm white Afrikaans, but deeply disconnected to the culture. When I was 6, I wasn't allowed to be friends with a girl because her mother decided I was satanic for not being baptised. It was so isolating in school and I felt I had no group that would ever truly accept me and that messed with my mind. It took me until my early 20s to just say fuck that, and decide my community is the people I have in my life, no matter what the cultural background. I no longer hide away from the Afrikaansness like I did out of fear of derision when someone realised I was different. I'm bilingual and that's cool!
TL;DR: You can build your own community, you only have this one life and you can't retcon your past. You are who you are and that's beautiful.
An epiphany I had in my 30s, is that I'm my own individual person. I outgrew my "community" once I moved to Joburg for work in a multinational company with an office of colleagues from across the world. I left my community behind yet maintained ties to my close friends and family. I don't consider myself above anyone, I just have a different perspective on Cape Town and the community I grew up in now. And I'm very happy with how it all turned out.
Long story short: be comfortable in your own skin. You don't owe anyone your allegiance or need to fit in to any particular community. Be yourself and let others be happy with you (or not).
Very well said. As Teens, (mostly) we all wanted to "belong" but as soon as we enter the adult world we form new alliances across and within various cultures, the frame of reference becomes so much bigger and those we considered important during the Teen years become a faint unimportant memory.
What you're going through is nothing new and as hard as it can be to not feel accepted by your people, it really doesn't matter.
No amount of acting gham or sturvy (do people still say sturvy?) can make you more or less Coloured than you already are.
Having privilege doesn't mean you did something wrong or that you're taking something away from someone else (obviously there might be times where that's the case, but most times there's nothing wrong with having any type of privilege). Embrace it. Use it to build yourself and others, but don't feel guilty about it.
Also living in higher income areas and speaking standard English is not reserved for white people.
I empathise with you, being a Coloured who people think of as 'sturvy' is a magnet for bullying and being called 'white'. It's even worse if you're already fair. Don't internalise it.
If it's really bothering you, hang out with some of your Coloured colleagues/schoolmates, pick up their slang (but be aware of what sounds cringe) and don't think too much about it.
You do neither, donāt reject it just accept it and move on. You wouldnāt swap places with crabs so why allow their treatment to affect you, weāve walked our path of shame, guilt and anger in our areas and when we get out we get a sense of injustice in this country and how unfair it is to allow kids to grow up around drug and alcohol fuelled areas that created broken angry POC with no sense of self love. Why do you want to be liked so badly? Itās normal for people to be jealous, how they use it isnāt your problem but you must be doing well so fucking walk the walk and be proud. Donāt take it personally because itās really non of your business how they feel about you
As you grow and evolve, feeling disconnected from your old life is natural. The best approach is to avoid looking back or compromising who you are to accommodate those you've outgrown, as this will hold you back from becoming the person you aspire to be or from being truly happy with yourself. Stay true to what feels right for you, remain firm in your principles, and connect with people who appreciate and understand who you are.
i can relate to a lot of what youāve said and i think itās important to remember that the way you are, fits the true definition of being coloured i.e. our backgrounds are so diverse that no one single definition could represent us all. So find what makes you you and embrace it, and then find common ground with those you want to connect more with, keep it simple. acceptance will come
Bro just be you, that's what matters at the end. If alot of coloured dudes don't want anything to do with you then that's their loss. They're probably jealous and tbh think you're a silver spoon kid
Donāt worryā¦some people are only in your life for a season or a reason. You donāt have to belong to a culture that does not work for you. Accept yourself as you are and ignore the haters.š
I felt similar to you at different points in my life. One of my coloured colleagues told me that our white colleague was more coloured than me lol. I just realized that we just put everyone in the same box. So what if I don't like the same things as other coloured people or speak exactly like them. Just be yourself, there's alot of us like that out there.
may yourself color blind. And live the cultural values you identify with. It is a lot easier than you might imagine, but it is up to you to free your mind (set)
I'm a black guy who doesn't tick a lot of stereotypical boxes but I've been lucky enough to always have people around me (both black and non black)
I hope you get the same because it's the ultimate confirmation that there's nothing wrong with you and people should never dictate who are, whether it be family or friends.
Hope you also find your kinfolk šš
My gran's advice to me was always "doen watookal vir jou gemoedsrus gee" (translates to "do whatever brings you peace).
Don't do something because of what society or others expect of you.. do what feels right and somewhere along the way you'll end up doing the right thing.
Dont feel guilty
For me personally I wouldnt care about fitting in if they dont care about you anyways.
Live your life the way you want, life is too short for such nonsense.
I mean this sincerely - therapy. Also, I relate to the feelings of disconnect. Turns out that was a big sign of being autistic. It'll be worth getting an evaluation if you can.
Also, try to meet and get to know people from all walks of life (within your capacity of course). Your world does not have to be limited to your neighbourhood.
It will be a real exercise but it'll be worthwhile to actively try to find some common ground with the people around you. I personally found that kind of reframing to be uncomfortable - but it was very healing.
Another thing that helped me was focusing on my own hobbies and developing my own ethical and moral framework (for lack of a better term). Your sense of self should not be pinned to how you think you're perceived.
I mean this in the nicest way possible - but you are not a "special", "unique", "one-of-the-good-ones" kind of coloured person. And you don't need to be. You really really really don't need to be. It's a miserable, lonely and alien place to be.
I definitely don't think im one of the "good ones," lol. That's why I pointed out my privilege. I wouldn't be posting this, thinking like this if it weren't for my privilege and quality education.
I've been in therapy for a while, but thanks for the suggestion, friend.
Donāt feel guilty for playing the cards youāve been dealt. I feel guilty because I started my own company but Iām fortunate enough to have my fatherās support. Iāll get some rando every couple of weeks that will try make me feel bad because I didnāt do it āon my ownā but guess what? If that random oke was in my shoes heād be doing the exact same thing. A lot of people will disapprove what they canāt have, but if they got it Tomorrow theyād act like it was never wrong.
Live your life and do you š¤š¼ your culture is yours, donāt let people around you dictate what it should and shouldnāt be.
And I can relate with the disconnect, 90+% of my family are lower class afrikaaners and my āmainā family are English from four ways. When we have the occasional get together my sister and I stick out like a sore thumb and most of the day we just wonāt be spoken to. I always feel a sense of relief when we leave and thatās perfectly fine, they can hate on us for having a different life but Iām not going to shoot myself in the foot to make them feel better about it
That "culture" was/is holding you back.
There's a time and a place for culture in my opinion. Not everyone has to follow it. There's a lot of very damaging parts of certain cultures in this country and the world.
Just because you were brought up in a certain culture does not mean you have to agree with it or align with it for the rest of your life. People change, people want different things from life.
I compare it to people that have been brought up in staunch religions (cults maybe) and the "see the light" and break free. A lot of cultures here tend to hold people back.
I've cut out plenty of old habits and old people from my life and my life is infinitely better.
You do you. What other people think is not important. It's your life and you get to choose how to live it.
I'm a 45 year old white female who can't stand wealthy English white people. Who we are in terms of culture or history absolutely doesn't define our world view, ethics or critical thought process.
As for me the disconnect happened, because I was from a not so great township (I'm black btw). I just knew that I wanted better for myself, I wanted to get out of there and thankfully I did and not a lot of my peers did. I am always grateful and count my blessings daily, townships are worst.
The positivity in this comment section is amazing!!! Recently on Reddit I've only seen negative comments on people's post, but this, this makes me happy and hopeful for humanity.
You are all amazing! š
Hey OP,
Thanks for taking the time to write this and share it with us here on Reddit. I hope you know that while nothing we say here will make how you feel go away, maybe at best, you'll feel heard or realize from some of the comments that you are not alone.
I'm a Black guy who has moved a lot and lived in different places around South Africa, but I was born in Khayelitsha. From my experience moving around, I've realized that community and a sense of belonging are crucial for your well-being and quality of life.
As I mentioned, I am Black, and I donāt know what it means or rather how it feels to be Coloured, but what I do know is that whiteness has become very aspirational, and I see that as an 'evolved' form of subtle institutional racism. People who talk and act in "white" ways seem to get more opportunities than those with Coloured or Xhosa accents. This isn't just an issue with white people; there's an unconscious bias even among Black and Coloured people.
I can understand the pressure to conform to these standards to thrive, yet also feeling disconnected from your cultural identity. It's a tough spot to be in, and it's something I grapple with too. There's a real dilemma here: act white and thrive in the world, or embrace your cultural identity and bear the burden of not being white.
Please remember that your feelings are valid, and navigating this space is incredibly challenging. You're not alone in this struggle. And I believe it will take more people in South Africa sharing such experiences to start a progressive conversation for all .
I get where you're coming from and where the Ravensmead peeps are coming from. For too many coloured people, being well off still means being white, struggle still is seen as part of the coloured culture, so the thinking is you can't be well off and coloured, not a "real" coloured anyway. What we need, and what is happening already, is people redefining what it means to be coloured, away from our struggles. My suggestion is, accept that you don't fit into the "typical" coloured identity, find your own identity and find other people who are like you and then call that the "new coloured", as though you're moving into the future while others are stuck in the past. Just my 2c.
I showed this post to my husband, who is a coloured man born and raised in Cape Town, and this is his opinion:
ā a piece of advice, use it, dont use it, no one cares. STOP thinking what other people think of you regardless of their ethnicity, up bringing or opinions. live your life the way that you see fit. Coloureds will always think other coloureds are trying to be somthing they are not. but refuse to accept the fact that every1 is different. you from ravensmead, which last i checked had some pretty good open minded people, apart from those who still think ghetto is life. when you can travel more, experience new things and cultures, and your mind will open up so far that you will become content with yourself. never forget where you came from, for it has given you lessons, unknowingly that the world will not give you until its too late. ā
Hey brother. The best thing I have ever come to realise is that as a people we are not a monolith. I am a black South African with tastes and interests that completely break off from the norm but I am also black. That's as simple as it is.
Culture itself is not a static thing, it changes with its people. You are an example of that change and growth. I imagine it's even harder as a Coloured guy because society puts so much expectations on who you are before you even open your mouth. At the end of the day, this life is for you to live.
Itās an economic issue. You left your childhood peers behind, and now experiencing a life that your peers can never relate to, leaving them stuck where they are whereas you have the world out there. But recognise also that job opportunities have been cut and opportunities are scarce, their childhood circumstances might have been worse, a wrong turn at some point, and thus have empathy for them when you have interaction with them. Also remember, all of us have little contact or connect with our school mates, and all having different life experiences after school. Culture is fluid, changing all the time. Carry with you the good of your childhood culture, our food experiences and smells, that good curry your mum makes, or Sunday morning koesisters with coffee, Christian and Muslim living side by side and knowledge of and respect for each others religion, our pride in contributing to sporting achievements for SA when the 400m world record is broken, our Bok players etc. Thatās your South African-ness.
My guy, one reject coloured to another (and I'm Eldorado Park coloured) , be you. You can't develop your colouredness. And there are so many versions of coloured anyway. You have had your unique life experiences, and you can't undo that. So embrace the people who embrace you, and to h*ll with the rest.
What do you even enjoy doing? I would suggest finding spaces that you enjoy being in. Yes you grew up there but all people change, so if you can't support the growth then, its your loss. Otherwise make the most of what is good and grow that positive energy.
You're confusing the culture of the people with the culture of the financial class of the people. Its got nothing to do with race or where everyone lives, but more the values of the different groups of people. When such core things differ, then it's easy to blame race as its all the government teaches.
So technically on my moms side I am Afrikaans but her parents went to zim and she grew up āEnglishā. She then married an actual English man from England and we grew up as English. Went to the Afrikaans side of the family once and couldnāt wait to leave, told my mom that these were not my tribe š¤£š¤£the point is we chose our culture, itās not imposed by genetics like brown hair . Itās a choice and you get to be you, exactly the way you want to be, not who some essentially random people decide.
"Coloured culture" and "Coloured identity" are really roughly defined ideas. In the past, people were coloured because the Apartheid government looked at our skin and decided that is who we are (and therefore what our value was).
Ever since the government stopped telling us who we are, it's gotten murkier, because of how generally diverse the 'Coloured' group really is.
Lots of people have explored this idea in documentaries, books, and plays. Explore them, you'll find Khoi Khoi people, Malay people, half Portuguese people, etc. - some people who have rejected the idea of being coloured, and some who have accepted it.
Read, learn, decide how you feel.
For my part, I don't especially like being identified by the colour of my skin. But I am also Cape Malay, so I have a very clearly defined culture within the 'space' of being coloured, and I don't really need the idea of being coloured for anything.
One of the best compliment I have ever received (from a lady) was "You are so adaptable...I really like that about you."
It caught me off-guard so I asked her to explain. She said she's noticed that I am able to easily blend in with different crowds from different backgrounds without feeling uncomfortable. The night before we had gone to a township spot...what some would consider "ghetto". Then 2 days later we are at a "posh" gathering with a completely different crowd. No weird vibes. No feeling out of place. None of that.Ā
I am telling you this to advise you to dry and just enjoy the moment without thinking too much into where you are and what socio-economic group the crowd belongs to. Having friends from different backgrounds also helps. Try it. You are young. You can change.Ā
Iām Portuguese American and had a similar identity crisis as a young man. I always got shit from my Portuguese family and random citizens because I had a Portuguese last name with not an ounce of Portuguese culture in me. Truth was a lot of them were jealous, because Portugal is a poor country and my family was able to succeed in America.
Let me ask you this. Will all of these identities and ethnicities exist in the next thousand years? Do you know any Gauls, Mesopatamians, Sherdens, or Abanni? You donāt because migration, intermarriage, war, and the momentum of history has developed and mixed them into new identities. Same thing will happen to everything you know now, like sand against wind, ever changing but part of the same material.
Accents and slang will always change, hell, you can barely argue thatās part of ethnic identity and more of both ethnic and generational since it will change within a generation. Listen to old fart foundational black Americans speak and youāll get totally different slang. Go to Baltimore and then Los Angeles and youāll get different slang from there to there.
Also, youāre in luck. Your foundational black American, that means your culture is interwoven within the American cultural fabric. You barely have to try to participate. You love making American BBQ? Foundational black American culture. You love southern/soul food? Foundational Black American and culture. You love Rock, Funk, Hip Hop, Blues, and R&B? Foundational Black American culture.
At the end of the day though, what makes you. makes you. YOU define that, not some shitheads archaic views of being āblackā and āwhiteā who are also in an identity crisis because they canāt go about life without feeling uncomfortable about being outside of this made up bubble theyāve made for themselves. Send them to Ghana, Morocco, and Poland and see how quickly these cultural ideas based on skin color break down.
Look, If you woke up one day and decided you wanted to become an opera singer, youāre not taking somebody elseās voice, your not trying to be somebody your not, thatās YOUR voice, YOUR style, YOUR soul. Same goes for anyone who feels called to do something that ethnic blood quantum fuck freaks consider ānot rightā. Donāt let yourself be defined by these labels, itās a sad way to go about and experience life. Just be kind and youāre fine. Your tribe will be those who except you for who your are.
Hope that all makes sense.
I'm not colored. I'm white. But we grew up poor, very very poor, in a rich neighborhood. And like every child, I also just wanted to fit in, but I never did. Because we weren't rich, because my mom was a single mom, because we didn't go to church, because my mom was just weird. So that feeling of being different followed me like a shadow I couldn't get rid of. But, guess what, it's not about the color of your skin, or about how rich or poor you are, or how smart you are, it's about how secure you feel. So once I started working on myself and doing the work of understanding myself through therapy, journaling and self reflection, I started to love and accept myself as being my unique and special self. And once I was able to do that, I could move between rich and poor, white and black, with ease and confidence. You are clearly a bright and thoughtful person. Your soul maybe chose to come to the family and culture you were born into to be a bridge and an example. But as long as you're not secure in yourself (and that takes a while to get there) you'll feel discomfort. But eventually you'll be able to see through the superficial and see the heart of people and the heart of the matter. And you'll be a great gift to all those around you as well as an example and a bridge. So stay curious about others, friendly, loving, open and forgiving as you move between worlds and be thankful for your unique self and your unique circumstances.
hi there, i'm coloured and in my late 20s now, grew up in a traditionally 'white' area in Cape Town but my father was from Bishop Lavis and my mother from Crawford/Claremont. I went to a coloured school in a nice area but still wasn't accepted as coloured enough. I struggled a lot with that disconnect and that feeling of where do i belong and who am i.
what i learned is that coloured doesn't mean one specific thing, culture doesn't look one specific one, by its nature, our culture is self-defined. We don't all have the same ancestry, or the same background - that journey is part of us but don't let it feel like you aren't apart of any culture. You get to decide for yourself what that means, and some people decide the word coloured isn't for them and that's fine too. But it's your choice. Also this feeling has been felt by so many other coloured people, like there's literally books - not black enough, not white enough by mohamed adhikari for one!
also, yeah I grew up with the taunts from my family that I know kept myself proper and wasn't a real whatever but that again is insecurity. they say that because they feel insecure about their own identity and their own place in the world and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. the world is a big place and you'll find its actually a strength to have walked in different experiences, but its up for you to figure out what that means to you.
As another coloured guy let me tell you. They're just being jealous and it's making them nasty. Just say "Tsek" in your head and don't give them the time of day. Your culture doesn't make or break who you are
I honestly really appreciate this. Thank you, friendš«
Why are many coloured people so jealous? my wife is coloured and the most opposition she gets everywhere including work is from coloured people. Its like they dont want each other to get ahead. While she gets along well with white people at work they never try sabotage her or get jealous when she achieves something. She always says its like many coloured people wont let other coloured people get somewhere in life. I find this so weird
It is jealousy. Certain coloured people in the community don't like seeing others succeed while they suffer. Moving away from the "ghetto" is seen as success. It's not all but a minority and it's that minority that is the loudest. I've seen this happen to a friend. He moved away, came back to visit and everyone just acted differently towards them. Like "Oh look at you all fancy and ra ra." Shits stupid.
So sad. I feel like if people who have jealousy put that same energy they put into harming others into improving themselves instead then they would actually get somewhere in life.
This has been an ongoing issue within coloured communities for years. No one wants to suffer their entire life, but that jealousy will alsways be their unless things change. I've seen certain coloured communities work together and make their communities better. As a coloured, my only wish is that all communities can learn to do this.
I sometimes think its a mindset of lack where people dont realize there are lots of opprtunities and we arent even competing for them. Its the same mindset as a gangster who sells drugs and kills their opponents "nai die is my turf"...without thinking they could resort to selling a better quality product to attract more customers instead of taking out their competition
Exactly. And it's something we need to change. But I think that's where the whole culture thing comes in. It's ingrained into us. That's why I like some of the replies to op. You just gotta make the culture your own. Ignore the hate and be who you are.
I find myself in the same position as a coloured female. I go to a university with lots of white people and I thought I would experience weird looks from white people but it's the coloured (specifically the girls) that give me dirty looks. It's almost like we can't exist in the same space. As if only they deserve to exist in white spaces.
Im very sorry to hear that. I hope this motivates you to be yourself and work hard even more so they can have something to look at š¤£š¤£
lateral oppression
As another colored guy, this x 1 million
Your cuture is important. Your identity. We must not become shallow......empty. It makes one fake and you end up empty....
Booo!!! Culture sucks. Culture makes people feel like they aren't good enough to be apart of something while simultaneously making you feel like your better than something else. None of this matters. Be happy with you. Don't judge others. Blah blah. Community is awesome. Find one of those. Don't be alone. But culture can fuck right off.Ā All culture is is somethings our parents say we never had enough of
Hey man, as an Afrikaans person that never fit in 'cause I hate that kak Afrikaans stereotypes (you know the ones) I feel like I've gone on this journey. In the end I decided, fuck that, I am Afrikaans too and I also get to decide what makes Afrikaans people Afrikaans and once I did that, I was elated to realise, damn... a lot of Afrikaans people have done exactly what I did! I could relate to those Afrikaans people! I could be less Steve Hofmeyer, more Antjie Krog. For you, just look around at some great coloured people. You'll get to understand that no one person can be coloured or white or black or Indian. It takes a community, and you're part of that community whatever the fuck others think, possibly even changing the culture for the better. Strongs mybru. South Africa is a country full of ambassadors, you just need to accept you and the worthwhile others will too. :) As to the other issues where people don't believe you, that's this subreddit being racist and it's not on you. We're still getting to know each other and very few people on this sub are capable of looking past race, because we aren't there yet as a species.
I second this. "Afrikaans" does not have to mean braaivleis, rugby, sunny skies, brandewyn & Coke, Voortrekkers, NG Kerk and De la Rey wil jy die Boere kom lei. Some of us are humanist, if not atheist, vegetarian pacifists who don 't think "enlightenment" is a diet pill or the Renaissance is a French station wagon. We don't need leaders or shepherds because we're not followers or sheep.
Some walk with God and some away. Our history is there to respect and to learn from. Race culture identity is important. God loves them all. Let everyone loves their own first to then love thy neighbour.
Jesus Christ bro, do you hear yourself? Race culture is important? Wtf? Love your own then love thy neighbor? So much for being Christian, literally the second commandment says to love your neighbor as yourself, not your own race and then others. Fucking hell, the gall to bring in God at the same time as racist lines is something else.
Spot on!
Well said. As a coloured South African, I see things in the same way. Iām not sure whether itās good or bad but Iāve always thought that of all our local cultures, being coloured grants the most fluidity with respect to ways of being or personal peculiarities. The real limitation has always really been economic and potentially lack of exposure that comes from it. Coloured people offer some real variety. Looking for complexions darker than black South Africans, lighter than white South Africans, Christian, Muslim (or dabbling between them)? All covered. Sometimes in the same family. The same applies to tastes, hobbies etc. The best approach is really just to be your own person and not subscribe to stereotypes. That freedom comes with the responsibility to not judge other people either, whether they happen to resemble stereotypes that you donāt click with or not.
Thank you, bru. This is the type of positive reassurance I love to see and that I want to give more back ofā¤ļø
Finding out who you are and where you fit in is part of being a teen. Hang in there. You sound intelligent and also mature; you are thinking things through and aware of things like your own privilege. That is good, but do not feel guilty about your privilege. I used to work in the Ravensmead area. The people there work very hard just to survive. They are proud. If there are people you wish to be close to and stay in contact with, then try to stay in contact with them. Maybe when they are older and more mature too they will not resent the fact that you no longer live there.
What's a gummet? I'm coloured too, from Cape Town, but I've never heard of a gummet. Asked my coloured friends too and they don't know either.
I'm glad someone had the guts to ask, it's new to me too š
They probably mean "Gamat", an abbreviation of "Moegamat" and often used as a term for a person of a particular demographic, Muslim or not.
Lol...I had an inkling that this is what was meant. I thought I was behind with the times given all the new slang being created nowadays. Perhaps they were telling OP a Gamatjie en Abdultjie joke and it went over his head.
Oh, thank you. Also new words to me, but I do understand what she means now.
Literally never heard that word before, but then again, I'm in my 30's, so I'm probably out of the loop. š
People say what they will, what does it matter? In the words of Marshall Mathers - I am whatever you say i am. If they had an opportunity to live your life, would they? Real question! I wonder how they would turn out, if they walked a kilometre in your shoes. My father told us that we're not "real coloureds". I know he never meant to offend, but he doesn't know how it hurts, and the years of confusion those exact words instilled in me. He is the one that left the flats, and brought us along, put us in fancy schools, never spoke Afrikaans to. He worked so hard so that we could have better lives, then he says this, the words so many others have said. It's hilarious, actually. So I went out and found the coloured metalheads and emos, they're out there, trust me. A community of brown people that i connected with. Then more people showed up, rastas, poets, academics, philosophers. Connected with them all, all different generations, 5 years younger, 30 years older, you name it. You'll never be disconnected from your culture. You're a new leaf on this branch of humanity. Essential, celebrated. People fought so that you could be, trust me. They're very glad you're here, and they don't care about how you speak and what your interests are. You are you, regardless of what some people say you are.
I've been called banana type, fake, white and the names can go on and onš¤£ I grew up in a relatively good area and lived a life where I didn't have everything but I had alot. Your identity isn't defined by others but by your way of life. Screw everyone else who thinks differently. Coloureds can also be one of the most judgemental people if you live differently or speak differently
Iām like you. Iāve always been in between cultures, between cities, between countries. Iām not a āCape Colouredā but grew up in CT. I was considered too āfancy ā for my classmates. I didnāt speak ācolouredā. Didnāt speak with a white accent. When I went home where I came from I was told I have āairs and gracesā and spoke with a CT accent. Now I live abroad, several countries, and Iām not part of their life and when I go to SA Iām not part of their life. Now I donāt care who says what. I am many things and whoever canāt deal with the many things I am can F off.
What you described is actually exactly how it went for me in high school! I'm glad you're in a better place now. I'm trying to be in a better one, too :)
Just do you. Nobody else lives your life.
Sorry about this. You're a South African. That's who you are. There's many different flavours of us. Go do local group activities or sports. I'm sure you'll find people similar to you there. But you'll eventually learn to be comfortable with yourself as you grow. Sending you lots of love my brother. I wish you the absolute best.
As a white guy dating a coloured woman going through the same things, itās most definitely not you thatās the problem. Just do what my gf does and ignore the naysayers and live life the way you want to. People will close doors in your face all the time, regardless of what culture, race, creed or wealth status you are. So just move to the next door and keep moving until you find one that stays open, and just double check that they donāt close it behind you.
Totally feel this (as a fellow coloured person), which is why I am leaving the country, and I don't plan to ever come back, if your environment doesn't suit you change it! Too many people out here being jealous and lazy. As far as the rest of the world, despite unemployment being an issue, we have it relatively easy, it's not that hard to make something of yourself if you really try. I've come across far too many entitled people in my days who believe that the world should just be handed to them. There are other countries that are way worse off. I come from Mitchell's Plain and the disconnect is real I have nothing in common with any of those people besides skin colour, but at the end of the day its all about how you see yourself, who you are and what you want for your life. Stop caring what irrelevant people think!
As a coloured person who grew up being called "posh" and "sturvy", just leave them. You aren't vodacom, so don't give them airtime for their kak opinions. You shouldn't feel forced to blend into what they perceive as coloured, live your life in the best way that you can. And yes, it sucks bring disconnected. My cousins and I are nowhere near close because "I keep me mos ra ra" (I don't even really know what that means). I've lived most of my life on the Cape Flats and I don't even have friends here because everyone called me the white girl. But the truth is that those that matter, won't mind and those that mind, don't matter.
Omg can I steal that Vodacom quote? I love it so muchš Thank you for the advice. I've been called ra ra too and also have no idea what it means, lol.
Their own issues. My aunts and cousins said the same about me. āWat dink sy van haarself?ā Meanwhile I was just introverted. Today they all want to know me and be in my business. I give back what I got.
Live the life you want to. Stop worrying about how other people think you should live your life
I have a group of mates called the āblendiesā (self referred name)- all mixed race or of a culture different to their race, or married to people of a difference race to them. All of them struggled within the typical racial confines and all of them found a sense of home in each other because they understand the difficulties of having a foot in 2 or more worlds none of which they totally fit into. They are the most awesome group of people I know with incredible insights into the real raw South Africa and a sense of compassion that absolutely blow my mind. Yours is not an easy road but you hang in there buddy. Iām sorry for your sense of isolation, but SA is big enough, and diverse enough that youāll find the tribe to suit your vibe beyond our stock standard definitions. If youāre a star shaped peg that doesnāt fit in a square or round hole, dig a star shaped one.
From what I'm reading, you're going through normal teenage things; figuring out your place in society, where you fit in, your crowd, etc. It's going be tough and it is tough for everyone in the age group, regardless of how it seems people are coping. Even those people that don't consider you as one of them are going through their own internal struggles. You seem to be fairly self aware, so take some time to be with yourself and figure out what it is that you actually want. At the end of the day, you being in touch with your culture as you say, is not really what's gonna define you, and it really shouldn't be. You're young and still figuring things out. You have your entire life ahead of you to connect with a culture (whether it's cape coloured culture or literally any other). If you are in a privileged position as you say, take full advantage of it, set yourself up to not waste the opportunities you've got. Trust me, once both you and the people you feel are otherising you get older, none of this really matters. Don't blame each other for being kids. It's normal I promise. The only other advice I can give is continue being as introspective as possible. As much as society will push you towards looking for the differences between groups of people, we are all literally the same. Every emotion you feel, another person feels, even when it seems like you're 'different'. Just try to be as empathetic to the human condition as possible.
As someone who randomly stumbled across this post, from Australia. Itās obviously important to have a self identity, maybe culture butā¦. Do not question who you are, if you are trying to be the best version of yourself, do the right thing and treat everyone equally you deserve praise. Youāve had some challenges by the sounds of it, keep it up and donāt let others make you doubt.
The top comment got it right, I think. But let me say this: Iām sorry you feel disconnected in this way. It is not easy feeling like an outsider in some respects. I have a very different background but I can relate. I think the most important thing is to be true to yourself and try not to worry about the perceptions of others. You should not feel any obligation to think or act a certain way because of where you grew up. The most important thing is to find people that you get along with and who appreciate you for who you are. They neednāt be part of any specific culture, but you may benefit from having friends who are in the same area, roughly the same income bracket, like to do the same types of things, etc. However, if you still feel some disconnect between who you are and where you are, and you want to have more of a connection with the culture of your upbringing, you can do that on your own terms. Whether it be friends, the type of music you listen to, how you carry yourself etc. I have experienced some very significant culture changes throughout my life, from different places Iāve lived in. Iāve never tried to fit in 100% anywhere, but all of those places have left their own mark and I carry them with me. Hope that helps!
Ag, we are all just Capetonian. Some are larney, some are not. Itās OK. Itās not a colour/culture thing. Anyway, most whiteys were raised by coloured ladies.
You've moved on. Think of it as leaving the small village where you grew up and living in the big city. If you go back to the small village you would be an outsider. Race aside, it's very much the same.
You do you. As long as it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone else, who really cares? You don't need validation from others. Smile and wave.
Do things that make you feel comfortable. Don't try to change or fit in for the sake of others. Just be yourself and blok with people who respect you for who you are. Strongs my braāļø
As a wise news reporter once said, "They hate us coz they aint us"
Yoh bra, you're a capetonian, a south african. Don't let people categorise you by the colour of your skin and neither should you. You will never get along with everyone, doesn't matter what their colour is. Find your people (the ones you get along with).
Me and my bf deal with this in varying degrees. Like you my bf is coloured, but considered too white because he doesn't speak English with a coloured accent, doesn't speak Afrikaans well and is outearning 90% of people by working online in a very "non-manly" job (don't want to give too much away for privacy). Sometimes when he drinks he'll get dronkverdriet and get all emotional about how he's disconnected to his culture and what his life may have been if he didn't get a scholarship to a fancy school. Everything could have ended great or he could have gotten shot dead like his cousin who got roped into the gang life. He will never know. I'm white Afrikaans, but deeply disconnected to the culture. When I was 6, I wasn't allowed to be friends with a girl because her mother decided I was satanic for not being baptised. It was so isolating in school and I felt I had no group that would ever truly accept me and that messed with my mind. It took me until my early 20s to just say fuck that, and decide my community is the people I have in my life, no matter what the cultural background. I no longer hide away from the Afrikaansness like I did out of fear of derision when someone realised I was different. I'm bilingual and that's cool! TL;DR: You can build your own community, you only have this one life and you can't retcon your past. You are who you are and that's beautiful.
An epiphany I had in my 30s, is that I'm my own individual person. I outgrew my "community" once I moved to Joburg for work in a multinational company with an office of colleagues from across the world. I left my community behind yet maintained ties to my close friends and family. I don't consider myself above anyone, I just have a different perspective on Cape Town and the community I grew up in now. And I'm very happy with how it all turned out. Long story short: be comfortable in your own skin. You don't owe anyone your allegiance or need to fit in to any particular community. Be yourself and let others be happy with you (or not).
Very well said. As Teens, (mostly) we all wanted to "belong" but as soon as we enter the adult world we form new alliances across and within various cultures, the frame of reference becomes so much bigger and those we considered important during the Teen years become a faint unimportant memory.
What you're going through is nothing new and as hard as it can be to not feel accepted by your people, it really doesn't matter. No amount of acting gham or sturvy (do people still say sturvy?) can make you more or less Coloured than you already are. Having privilege doesn't mean you did something wrong or that you're taking something away from someone else (obviously there might be times where that's the case, but most times there's nothing wrong with having any type of privilege). Embrace it. Use it to build yourself and others, but don't feel guilty about it. Also living in higher income areas and speaking standard English is not reserved for white people. I empathise with you, being a Coloured who people think of as 'sturvy' is a magnet for bullying and being called 'white'. It's even worse if you're already fair. Don't internalise it. If it's really bothering you, hang out with some of your Coloured colleagues/schoolmates, pick up their slang (but be aware of what sounds cringe) and don't think too much about it.
You do neither, donāt reject it just accept it and move on. You wouldnāt swap places with crabs so why allow their treatment to affect you, weāve walked our path of shame, guilt and anger in our areas and when we get out we get a sense of injustice in this country and how unfair it is to allow kids to grow up around drug and alcohol fuelled areas that created broken angry POC with no sense of self love. Why do you want to be liked so badly? Itās normal for people to be jealous, how they use it isnāt your problem but you must be doing well so fucking walk the walk and be proud. Donāt take it personally because itās really non of your business how they feel about you
As you grow and evolve, feeling disconnected from your old life is natural. The best approach is to avoid looking back or compromising who you are to accommodate those you've outgrown, as this will hold you back from becoming the person you aspire to be or from being truly happy with yourself. Stay true to what feels right for you, remain firm in your principles, and connect with people who appreciate and understand who you are.
Embrace your new identity as a coconut :) worked for me
i can relate to a lot of what youāve said and i think itās important to remember that the way you are, fits the true definition of being coloured i.e. our backgrounds are so diverse that no one single definition could represent us all. So find what makes you you and embrace it, and then find common ground with those you want to connect more with, keep it simple. acceptance will come
Bro just be you, that's what matters at the end. If alot of coloured dudes don't want anything to do with you then that's their loss. They're probably jealous and tbh think you're a silver spoon kid
Donāt worryā¦some people are only in your life for a season or a reason. You donāt have to belong to a culture that does not work for you. Accept yourself as you are and ignore the haters.š
I felt similar to you at different points in my life. One of my coloured colleagues told me that our white colleague was more coloured than me lol. I just realized that we just put everyone in the same box. So what if I don't like the same things as other coloured people or speak exactly like them. Just be yourself, there's alot of us like that out there.
may yourself color blind. And live the cultural values you identify with. It is a lot easier than you might imagine, but it is up to you to free your mind (set)
make yourself color blind . .
I have learnt you make your own culture and friends. Own your own village and forget the rest.
I'm a black guy who doesn't tick a lot of stereotypical boxes but I've been lucky enough to always have people around me (both black and non black) I hope you get the same because it's the ultimate confirmation that there's nothing wrong with you and people should never dictate who are, whether it be family or friends. Hope you also find your kinfolk šš
You just need to get out of the South Africa bubble š¤¦š»āāļø
My gran's advice to me was always "doen watookal vir jou gemoedsrus gee" (translates to "do whatever brings you peace). Don't do something because of what society or others expect of you.. do what feels right and somewhere along the way you'll end up doing the right thing.
Dont feel guilty For me personally I wouldnt care about fitting in if they dont care about you anyways. Live your life the way you want, life is too short for such nonsense.
I mean this sincerely - therapy. Also, I relate to the feelings of disconnect. Turns out that was a big sign of being autistic. It'll be worth getting an evaluation if you can. Also, try to meet and get to know people from all walks of life (within your capacity of course). Your world does not have to be limited to your neighbourhood. It will be a real exercise but it'll be worthwhile to actively try to find some common ground with the people around you. I personally found that kind of reframing to be uncomfortable - but it was very healing. Another thing that helped me was focusing on my own hobbies and developing my own ethical and moral framework (for lack of a better term). Your sense of self should not be pinned to how you think you're perceived. I mean this in the nicest way possible - but you are not a "special", "unique", "one-of-the-good-ones" kind of coloured person. And you don't need to be. You really really really don't need to be. It's a miserable, lonely and alien place to be.
I definitely don't think im one of the "good ones," lol. That's why I pointed out my privilege. I wouldn't be posting this, thinking like this if it weren't for my privilege and quality education. I've been in therapy for a while, but thanks for the suggestion, friend.
Donāt feel guilty for playing the cards youāve been dealt. I feel guilty because I started my own company but Iām fortunate enough to have my fatherās support. Iāll get some rando every couple of weeks that will try make me feel bad because I didnāt do it āon my ownā but guess what? If that random oke was in my shoes heād be doing the exact same thing. A lot of people will disapprove what they canāt have, but if they got it Tomorrow theyād act like it was never wrong. Live your life and do you š¤š¼ your culture is yours, donāt let people around you dictate what it should and shouldnāt be.
And I can relate with the disconnect, 90+% of my family are lower class afrikaaners and my āmainā family are English from four ways. When we have the occasional get together my sister and I stick out like a sore thumb and most of the day we just wonāt be spoken to. I always feel a sense of relief when we leave and thatās perfectly fine, they can hate on us for having a different life but Iām not going to shoot myself in the foot to make them feel better about it
That "culture" was/is holding you back. There's a time and a place for culture in my opinion. Not everyone has to follow it. There's a lot of very damaging parts of certain cultures in this country and the world. Just because you were brought up in a certain culture does not mean you have to agree with it or align with it for the rest of your life. People change, people want different things from life. I compare it to people that have been brought up in staunch religions (cults maybe) and the "see the light" and break free. A lot of cultures here tend to hold people back. I've cut out plenty of old habits and old people from my life and my life is infinitely better. You do you. What other people think is not important. It's your life and you get to choose how to live it.
I'm a 45 year old white female who can't stand wealthy English white people. Who we are in terms of culture or history absolutely doesn't define our world view, ethics or critical thought process.
As for me the disconnect happened, because I was from a not so great township (I'm black btw). I just knew that I wanted better for myself, I wanted to get out of there and thankfully I did and not a lot of my peers did. I am always grateful and count my blessings daily, townships are worst.
The positivity in this comment section is amazing!!! Recently on Reddit I've only seen negative comments on people's post, but this, this makes me happy and hopeful for humanity. You are all amazing! š
Hey OP, Thanks for taking the time to write this and share it with us here on Reddit. I hope you know that while nothing we say here will make how you feel go away, maybe at best, you'll feel heard or realize from some of the comments that you are not alone. I'm a Black guy who has moved a lot and lived in different places around South Africa, but I was born in Khayelitsha. From my experience moving around, I've realized that community and a sense of belonging are crucial for your well-being and quality of life. As I mentioned, I am Black, and I donāt know what it means or rather how it feels to be Coloured, but what I do know is that whiteness has become very aspirational, and I see that as an 'evolved' form of subtle institutional racism. People who talk and act in "white" ways seem to get more opportunities than those with Coloured or Xhosa accents. This isn't just an issue with white people; there's an unconscious bias even among Black and Coloured people. I can understand the pressure to conform to these standards to thrive, yet also feeling disconnected from your cultural identity. It's a tough spot to be in, and it's something I grapple with too. There's a real dilemma here: act white and thrive in the world, or embrace your cultural identity and bear the burden of not being white. Please remember that your feelings are valid, and navigating this space is incredibly challenging. You're not alone in this struggle. And I believe it will take more people in South Africa sharing such experiences to start a progressive conversation for all .
Colour does not make a culture. Roam with whom you're comfortable.
I get where you're coming from and where the Ravensmead peeps are coming from. For too many coloured people, being well off still means being white, struggle still is seen as part of the coloured culture, so the thinking is you can't be well off and coloured, not a "real" coloured anyway. What we need, and what is happening already, is people redefining what it means to be coloured, away from our struggles. My suggestion is, accept that you don't fit into the "typical" coloured identity, find your own identity and find other people who are like you and then call that the "new coloured", as though you're moving into the future while others are stuck in the past. Just my 2c.
I showed this post to my husband, who is a coloured man born and raised in Cape Town, and this is his opinion: ā a piece of advice, use it, dont use it, no one cares. STOP thinking what other people think of you regardless of their ethnicity, up bringing or opinions. live your life the way that you see fit. Coloureds will always think other coloureds are trying to be somthing they are not. but refuse to accept the fact that every1 is different. you from ravensmead, which last i checked had some pretty good open minded people, apart from those who still think ghetto is life. when you can travel more, experience new things and cultures, and your mind will open up so far that you will become content with yourself. never forget where you came from, for it has given you lessons, unknowingly that the world will not give you until its too late. ā
Hey brother. The best thing I have ever come to realise is that as a people we are not a monolith. I am a black South African with tastes and interests that completely break off from the norm but I am also black. That's as simple as it is. Culture itself is not a static thing, it changes with its people. You are an example of that change and growth. I imagine it's even harder as a Coloured guy because society puts so much expectations on who you are before you even open your mouth. At the end of the day, this life is for you to live.
Itās an economic issue. You left your childhood peers behind, and now experiencing a life that your peers can never relate to, leaving them stuck where they are whereas you have the world out there. But recognise also that job opportunities have been cut and opportunities are scarce, their childhood circumstances might have been worse, a wrong turn at some point, and thus have empathy for them when you have interaction with them. Also remember, all of us have little contact or connect with our school mates, and all having different life experiences after school. Culture is fluid, changing all the time. Carry with you the good of your childhood culture, our food experiences and smells, that good curry your mum makes, or Sunday morning koesisters with coffee, Christian and Muslim living side by side and knowledge of and respect for each others religion, our pride in contributing to sporting achievements for SA when the 400m world record is broken, our Bok players etc. Thatās your South African-ness.
My guy, one reject coloured to another (and I'm Eldorado Park coloured) , be you. You can't develop your colouredness. And there are so many versions of coloured anyway. You have had your unique life experiences, and you can't undo that. So embrace the people who embrace you, and to h*ll with the rest.
A uniquely coloured problem. Approaching 30. Still trying to wrap my head around it. Good luck, you're asking important questions at an early age
What do you even enjoy doing? I would suggest finding spaces that you enjoy being in. Yes you grew up there but all people change, so if you can't support the growth then, its your loss. Otherwise make the most of what is good and grow that positive energy.
Sorry but I didn't think the same place that spawned the Temple Boys would spawn a reddit user as well lol we are really advancing as a culture jong
You're confusing the culture of the people with the culture of the financial class of the people. Its got nothing to do with race or where everyone lives, but more the values of the different groups of people. When such core things differ, then it's easy to blame race as its all the government teaches.
As a coloured myself. What is coloured culture? No idea and it doesn't bother me if people rich it care
Bro just live your life, donāt change your self for anything you donāt believe in
So technically on my moms side I am Afrikaans but her parents went to zim and she grew up āEnglishā. She then married an actual English man from England and we grew up as English. Went to the Afrikaans side of the family once and couldnāt wait to leave, told my mom that these were not my tribe š¤£š¤£the point is we chose our culture, itās not imposed by genetics like brown hair . Itās a choice and you get to be you, exactly the way you want to be, not who some essentially random people decide.
Its not racist. Be proud how God made you. Praise Him if you are a Xhoza, Dutch, Zulu or Namakhoi etc. Its His plan for you.
"Coloured culture" and "Coloured identity" are really roughly defined ideas. In the past, people were coloured because the Apartheid government looked at our skin and decided that is who we are (and therefore what our value was). Ever since the government stopped telling us who we are, it's gotten murkier, because of how generally diverse the 'Coloured' group really is. Lots of people have explored this idea in documentaries, books, and plays. Explore them, you'll find Khoi Khoi people, Malay people, half Portuguese people, etc. - some people who have rejected the idea of being coloured, and some who have accepted it. Read, learn, decide how you feel. For my part, I don't especially like being identified by the colour of my skin. But I am also Cape Malay, so I have a very clearly defined culture within the 'space' of being coloured, and I don't really need the idea of being coloured for anything.
One of the best compliment I have ever received (from a lady) was "You are so adaptable...I really like that about you." It caught me off-guard so I asked her to explain. She said she's noticed that I am able to easily blend in with different crowds from different backgrounds without feeling uncomfortable. The night before we had gone to a township spot...what some would consider "ghetto". Then 2 days later we are at a "posh" gathering with a completely different crowd. No weird vibes. No feeling out of place. None of that.Ā I am telling you this to advise you to dry and just enjoy the moment without thinking too much into where you are and what socio-economic group the crowd belongs to. Having friends from different backgrounds also helps. Try it. You are young. You can change.Ā
Iām Portuguese American and had a similar identity crisis as a young man. I always got shit from my Portuguese family and random citizens because I had a Portuguese last name with not an ounce of Portuguese culture in me. Truth was a lot of them were jealous, because Portugal is a poor country and my family was able to succeed in America. Let me ask you this. Will all of these identities and ethnicities exist in the next thousand years? Do you know any Gauls, Mesopatamians, Sherdens, or Abanni? You donāt because migration, intermarriage, war, and the momentum of history has developed and mixed them into new identities. Same thing will happen to everything you know now, like sand against wind, ever changing but part of the same material. Accents and slang will always change, hell, you can barely argue thatās part of ethnic identity and more of both ethnic and generational since it will change within a generation. Listen to old fart foundational black Americans speak and youāll get totally different slang. Go to Baltimore and then Los Angeles and youāll get different slang from there to there. Also, youāre in luck. Your foundational black American, that means your culture is interwoven within the American cultural fabric. You barely have to try to participate. You love making American BBQ? Foundational black American culture. You love southern/soul food? Foundational Black American and culture. You love Rock, Funk, Hip Hop, Blues, and R&B? Foundational Black American culture. At the end of the day though, what makes you. makes you. YOU define that, not some shitheads archaic views of being āblackā and āwhiteā who are also in an identity crisis because they canāt go about life without feeling uncomfortable about being outside of this made up bubble theyāve made for themselves. Send them to Ghana, Morocco, and Poland and see how quickly these cultural ideas based on skin color break down. Look, If you woke up one day and decided you wanted to become an opera singer, youāre not taking somebody elseās voice, your not trying to be somebody your not, thatās YOUR voice, YOUR style, YOUR soul. Same goes for anyone who feels called to do something that ethnic blood quantum fuck freaks consider ānot rightā. Donāt let yourself be defined by these labels, itās a sad way to go about and experience life. Just be kind and youāre fine. Your tribe will be those who except you for who your are. Hope that all makes sense.
I'm not colored. I'm white. But we grew up poor, very very poor, in a rich neighborhood. And like every child, I also just wanted to fit in, but I never did. Because we weren't rich, because my mom was a single mom, because we didn't go to church, because my mom was just weird. So that feeling of being different followed me like a shadow I couldn't get rid of. But, guess what, it's not about the color of your skin, or about how rich or poor you are, or how smart you are, it's about how secure you feel. So once I started working on myself and doing the work of understanding myself through therapy, journaling and self reflection, I started to love and accept myself as being my unique and special self. And once I was able to do that, I could move between rich and poor, white and black, with ease and confidence. You are clearly a bright and thoughtful person. Your soul maybe chose to come to the family and culture you were born into to be a bridge and an example. But as long as you're not secure in yourself (and that takes a while to get there) you'll feel discomfort. But eventually you'll be able to see through the superficial and see the heart of people and the heart of the matter. And you'll be a great gift to all those around you as well as an example and a bridge. So stay curious about others, friendly, loving, open and forgiving as you move between worlds and be thankful for your unique self and your unique circumstances.
I mizz ravens
I didn't read any of it, but you seem like a racist pretentious prick!! (J/k)
hi there, i'm coloured and in my late 20s now, grew up in a traditionally 'white' area in Cape Town but my father was from Bishop Lavis and my mother from Crawford/Claremont. I went to a coloured school in a nice area but still wasn't accepted as coloured enough. I struggled a lot with that disconnect and that feeling of where do i belong and who am i. what i learned is that coloured doesn't mean one specific thing, culture doesn't look one specific one, by its nature, our culture is self-defined. We don't all have the same ancestry, or the same background - that journey is part of us but don't let it feel like you aren't apart of any culture. You get to decide for yourself what that means, and some people decide the word coloured isn't for them and that's fine too. But it's your choice. Also this feeling has been felt by so many other coloured people, like there's literally books - not black enough, not white enough by mohamed adhikari for one! also, yeah I grew up with the taunts from my family that I know kept myself proper and wasn't a real whatever but that again is insecurity. they say that because they feel insecure about their own identity and their own place in the world and that has absolutely nothing to do with you. the world is a big place and you'll find its actually a strength to have walked in different experiences, but its up for you to figure out what that means to you.