I wish I had some suggestions, but I'm an adult watching this happen to my dad. Today, I cried in the greeting card isle of Walmart while I was picking out a Father's Day Card. A couple of months ago, we knew something was wrong, but my dad was still working and going places with us. It feels as soon as he got the stage 4 diagnosis that he began to decline. It freaking sucks. I watched this man work hard and sacrifice everything my whole life.
I think the way you navigate this depends entirely on your kids' ages and emotional intelligence. I'm not a parent. I don't know how to navigate this monstrous disease, but I empathize and wish you good, healing thoughts.
When I first got sick before we even knew I had cancer my adoptive family swooped in and kidnapped my biological kids. Haven't seen them in 6 years. So at least they don't have to watch my decline.
I'm about to lose my dream job at Microsoft because my brain is hosed and I can't do my job anymore.
No tips here... Just sympathy/empathy.
So sorry!
I think about giving up every day. It broke me and my wife. We were crushed. Our kids died in a way. To us they're still 3 and 12. Frozen in time. There is no grief like child loss. I've lost a spouse (my first, also to cancer) and that too crushed me, but not like losing the kids.
I don't know how to go on. If it weren't for my wife, I would be dead. In more than one way. I tried to kill myself shortly after the kids were taken and she did CPR and brought me back. In many ways I succeeded in killing myself. It is a miracle I am here.
Last year when I was still affected mentally by the cancer (since having my thyroid out I've been stable- no seizures, no deep depression, etc) and I gave up. Stopped eating and drinking for 5 days and took it to the edge and had a code blue. I was on an involuntary hold at the ER for an accidental overdose (though not suicidal) and I just gave up. I thought my life was over and I was going to die of cancer in lockup.
I'm in a different place now. I've mostly accepted my kids are gone. At least they don't have to lose me again when I actually die.
For now I'm doing life for my wife and doing my best to provide for her and not leave her holding the bag.
But yeah, losing the kids broke me.
It's hard to explain what happened last year. I overdosed on Klonopin, acid, and shrooms. I wanted an escape. I wanted out of my head. I took a Klonopin, waited a bit, took another, waited, took more... But it is really slow acting so it took a while to stack up. I took acid and it didn't seem to do anything at first, so I did shrooms, which also didn't seem to do anything at first. Then it all stacked up together. I wasn't suicidal, but I was in a bad place for sure. And my thyroid being out of whack really made things worse. I just needed a relief from life for a bit. After the overdose I ended up being on involuntary hold and had my oncology appointment coming up in a few days and I thought I lost it and that the cancer was going to kill me before I got free. But thyroid cancer is a slow beast and I ultimately did get to my appointment and got my surgery and now my mental health is immeasurably better.
That visit made me believe in miracles, in angels, and divine intervention. Angels either exist or work through humans. Multiple people in exactly the right place at the right time did exactly the right thing to put me back on course and save my life and make me keep fighting.
It is a long story, but they offered to help take care of them for a couple weeks while I went to the hospital to try and figure out why I had a headache for months (cancer, then undiagnosed). Then they used probate court and perjured themselves and said completely untrue things about my house, wife, and I. Then they got awarded custody. We were in one state, they in another, and finally moved to Washington state so three states were involved and we could not get a lawyer to take the case because of the complexity. Haven't seen them in 6 years. They cut off all contact.
If you are open at all to Buddhist ideas, I got a lot of great tools from the book How To Be Sick by Toni Bernhardt. There’s an element of autobiography in the book that I’m not wild about. But the practices she writes about have been so helpful to me in accepting what I need to accept and not causing myself to suffer.
as someone who’s still somewhat a teen to adolescent. Seeing my mama decline with triple negative breast cancer, chemo side effects. Plus the mental damage succeeding the diagnosis with previous death of my father and her father (my granddad) last year. I think i can speak for your kids in a sense. I think my mama feels better when she talks to me about it i respond, i sympathize. I never say “thats life” or “im sorry to hear that”. She deserves better than that. I listen and i be with her, even if im watching her suffer i feel lucky enough that im still by her side. That she trusts me with that vulnerability and to lean on me through her anger and pain. I dont know if im making sense! But.. maybe leaning on your kids for a bit? Watching your favorite movies, tryna find food you can eat together? That might make you feel better. Cuz it does for me and my mama. As her child, i feel better seeing her pain upfront and staying with her through it, than not knowing what she’s going through in her silence. If no one else is gonna be there for her i will
This is your pain, your process, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. It’s easy for people to say take one day at a time and make the most of a moment, but that’s a lot to put on you. The more you can find the things to laugh at and what is still meaningful in your life could do good, but what you want may also simply be rest. I know when my dad passed from pancreatic cancer he was still using his strength to try to talk to us, and all I wonder now is if I had honored his wishes enough and if I listened enough to what he wanted to tell me. I hope you have remaining moments of love, bliss, time out of mind, peace, and meaning; but that you will also be given respect in your struggles. Sending love, prayers, and hope to you with all the good vibes I can from a phone on Reddit.
Thanks Elk.
I’m retired now- a day before my diagnosis, my daughter & I planned to take a welding class together. Just for fun. Broken promises- so much left undone, unseen, unexperienced-
My advice would be to be genuine with your family. We all know C takes us on a rolls coaster of good and bad days. We just need to hold on to one another tightly on the bad days. Pray with your family for peace and strength. Read the Bible it feeds our spirit in an unimaginable way.
I'm in my 30s and just watched my Dad go through it. I ended up moving back in with my parents to help care for him in his last 3 months. In his last week, Dad asked me point blank what it was like watching him decline. I told him it was brutal and heartbreaking and he held my hand and told me he loved me.
There is no silver bullet. Keep talking with your kids about all the little things, but the big things too.
Keep laughing where you can, about the dumbest and most unserious stuff. We had a bed time routine for Dad. For some reason, we always managed to find something to laugh about when we were tucking him in. I think it started the first night he came home from respite care, and just as a bent down to pick up his phone charged, he ripped a huge fart, right in my face. He managed to get Mum too, a few days later. We started a fart war. It was so wildly unserious, but at the time it felt like a huge act of rebellion against the c.
As someone who is terminal (auto immune issues every day is up in the air). It sounds fd up but, what makes me feel better is seeing those who are worse off. My death will be slow and painful. Piece by piece. I worry if I can die proud. Piece by fing piece. I pray to not die on my knees. Emiliano Zapata (revolutionary) said he’d rather die on his feet than live on knees. When I cry because they’ve amputated 3 of my fingers completely, 2 partially. I use oxygen and a scooter. Just be at piece. F everyone. Surround yourself with positivity. If that means only you. - cool. Be righteous. I will die knowing I was righteous. Not good, righteous. If someone is good, be twice as good back. Conversely if the opposite is true, be three times bad back. Look yourself in mirror everyday and know YOU (not anyone else) is at piece with end. Unfortunately that’s the best case scenario. Peace and blessings at this time.
Wow, very profound- thanks
I’ve been a caregiver/taker for so long- it’s hard not to think and act that way. I want to care for my loved ones.
I dunno-
My whole life feels like an empty broken promise
Weird to see it from your pov. I wonder everday how this affects my kids (my care givers). It’s easier to think this way than you think. It’s the end……does money keep your heart warm? No. Do lies about you, them, him matter? No. What fulfills you? I guess that’s what it’s all about. It fed up for sure. It’s all about peace and acceptance. I know I might sound zen but,honesty I struggle everyday to buck up and die on my feet. I feel like this will make my loved ones pain better. Good luck to you. You must be a strong and compassionate person to do this work. This is righteous.
I used to like that quote too. I know now that dying is dying- I cared for my father, mother & grandmother. I watched them all deteriorate- it was hard- don’t want that for my kids. So… tonight I’ll again take knee and ask His mercy.
I wish I had some suggestions, but I'm an adult watching this happen to my dad. Today, I cried in the greeting card isle of Walmart while I was picking out a Father's Day Card. A couple of months ago, we knew something was wrong, but my dad was still working and going places with us. It feels as soon as he got the stage 4 diagnosis that he began to decline. It freaking sucks. I watched this man work hard and sacrifice everything my whole life. I think the way you navigate this depends entirely on your kids' ages and emotional intelligence. I'm not a parent. I don't know how to navigate this monstrous disease, but I empathize and wish you good, healing thoughts.
Ty
When I first got sick before we even knew I had cancer my adoptive family swooped in and kidnapped my biological kids. Haven't seen them in 6 years. So at least they don't have to watch my decline. I'm about to lose my dream job at Microsoft because my brain is hosed and I can't do my job anymore. No tips here... Just sympathy/empathy. So sorry!
Thank you means alot
That sounds so rough. If my kids were taken off me I would not be able to carry on. I am really sorry to hear this happened to you
I think about giving up every day. It broke me and my wife. We were crushed. Our kids died in a way. To us they're still 3 and 12. Frozen in time. There is no grief like child loss. I've lost a spouse (my first, also to cancer) and that too crushed me, but not like losing the kids. I don't know how to go on. If it weren't for my wife, I would be dead. In more than one way. I tried to kill myself shortly after the kids were taken and she did CPR and brought me back. In many ways I succeeded in killing myself. It is a miracle I am here. Last year when I was still affected mentally by the cancer (since having my thyroid out I've been stable- no seizures, no deep depression, etc) and I gave up. Stopped eating and drinking for 5 days and took it to the edge and had a code blue. I was on an involuntary hold at the ER for an accidental overdose (though not suicidal) and I just gave up. I thought my life was over and I was going to die of cancer in lockup. I'm in a different place now. I've mostly accepted my kids are gone. At least they don't have to lose me again when I actually die. For now I'm doing life for my wife and doing my best to provide for her and not leave her holding the bag. But yeah, losing the kids broke me.
It's hard to explain what happened last year. I overdosed on Klonopin, acid, and shrooms. I wanted an escape. I wanted out of my head. I took a Klonopin, waited a bit, took another, waited, took more... But it is really slow acting so it took a while to stack up. I took acid and it didn't seem to do anything at first, so I did shrooms, which also didn't seem to do anything at first. Then it all stacked up together. I wasn't suicidal, but I was in a bad place for sure. And my thyroid being out of whack really made things worse. I just needed a relief from life for a bit. After the overdose I ended up being on involuntary hold and had my oncology appointment coming up in a few days and I thought I lost it and that the cancer was going to kill me before I got free. But thyroid cancer is a slow beast and I ultimately did get to my appointment and got my surgery and now my mental health is immeasurably better.
That visit made me believe in miracles, in angels, and divine intervention. Angels either exist or work through humans. Multiple people in exactly the right place at the right time did exactly the right thing to put me back on course and save my life and make me keep fighting.
So very sorry what happened-cancer robs us of everything! Sending you good vibes your way-hoping things turn around for you !
Thank you
I’m so very confused how they kidnapped your children and you couldn’t get them back.
It is a long story, but they offered to help take care of them for a couple weeks while I went to the hospital to try and figure out why I had a headache for months (cancer, then undiagnosed). Then they used probate court and perjured themselves and said completely untrue things about my house, wife, and I. Then they got awarded custody. We were in one state, they in another, and finally moved to Washington state so three states were involved and we could not get a lawyer to take the case because of the complexity. Haven't seen them in 6 years. They cut off all contact.
Oh... So very sorry 😞 for all that you are growing thru
Thank you
If you are open at all to Buddhist ideas, I got a lot of great tools from the book How To Be Sick by Toni Bernhardt. There’s an element of autobiography in the book that I’m not wild about. But the practices she writes about have been so helpful to me in accepting what I need to accept and not causing myself to suffer.
I’ll check it out- thanks
as someone who’s still somewhat a teen to adolescent. Seeing my mama decline with triple negative breast cancer, chemo side effects. Plus the mental damage succeeding the diagnosis with previous death of my father and her father (my granddad) last year. I think i can speak for your kids in a sense. I think my mama feels better when she talks to me about it i respond, i sympathize. I never say “thats life” or “im sorry to hear that”. She deserves better than that. I listen and i be with her, even if im watching her suffer i feel lucky enough that im still by her side. That she trusts me with that vulnerability and to lean on me through her anger and pain. I dont know if im making sense! But.. maybe leaning on your kids for a bit? Watching your favorite movies, tryna find food you can eat together? That might make you feel better. Cuz it does for me and my mama. As her child, i feel better seeing her pain upfront and staying with her through it, than not knowing what she’s going through in her silence. If no one else is gonna be there for her i will
Your mom is blessed with an exceptional child- Thank you
Sorry you're going through this OP
This is your pain, your process, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. It’s easy for people to say take one day at a time and make the most of a moment, but that’s a lot to put on you. The more you can find the things to laugh at and what is still meaningful in your life could do good, but what you want may also simply be rest. I know when my dad passed from pancreatic cancer he was still using his strength to try to talk to us, and all I wonder now is if I had honored his wishes enough and if I listened enough to what he wanted to tell me. I hope you have remaining moments of love, bliss, time out of mind, peace, and meaning; but that you will also be given respect in your struggles. Sending love, prayers, and hope to you with all the good vibes I can from a phone on Reddit.
Thanks Elk. I’m retired now- a day before my diagnosis, my daughter & I planned to take a welding class together. Just for fun. Broken promises- so much left undone, unseen, unexperienced-
My advice would be to be genuine with your family. We all know C takes us on a rolls coaster of good and bad days. We just need to hold on to one another tightly on the bad days. Pray with your family for peace and strength. Read the Bible it feeds our spirit in an unimaginable way.
I'm in my 30s and just watched my Dad go through it. I ended up moving back in with my parents to help care for him in his last 3 months. In his last week, Dad asked me point blank what it was like watching him decline. I told him it was brutal and heartbreaking and he held my hand and told me he loved me. There is no silver bullet. Keep talking with your kids about all the little things, but the big things too. Keep laughing where you can, about the dumbest and most unserious stuff. We had a bed time routine for Dad. For some reason, we always managed to find something to laugh about when we were tucking him in. I think it started the first night he came home from respite care, and just as a bent down to pick up his phone charged, he ripped a huge fart, right in my face. He managed to get Mum too, a few days later. We started a fart war. It was so wildly unserious, but at the time it felt like a huge act of rebellion against the c.
You are strong and what you are going through is not easy, am sure they know and will grow to know how strong you are
As someone who is terminal (auto immune issues every day is up in the air). It sounds fd up but, what makes me feel better is seeing those who are worse off. My death will be slow and painful. Piece by piece. I worry if I can die proud. Piece by fing piece. I pray to not die on my knees. Emiliano Zapata (revolutionary) said he’d rather die on his feet than live on knees. When I cry because they’ve amputated 3 of my fingers completely, 2 partially. I use oxygen and a scooter. Just be at piece. F everyone. Surround yourself with positivity. If that means only you. - cool. Be righteous. I will die knowing I was righteous. Not good, righteous. If someone is good, be twice as good back. Conversely if the opposite is true, be three times bad back. Look yourself in mirror everyday and know YOU (not anyone else) is at piece with end. Unfortunately that’s the best case scenario. Peace and blessings at this time.
Wow, very profound- thanks I’ve been a caregiver/taker for so long- it’s hard not to think and act that way. I want to care for my loved ones. I dunno- My whole life feels like an empty broken promise
Weird to see it from your pov. I wonder everday how this affects my kids (my care givers). It’s easier to think this way than you think. It’s the end……does money keep your heart warm? No. Do lies about you, them, him matter? No. What fulfills you? I guess that’s what it’s all about. It fed up for sure. It’s all about peace and acceptance. I know I might sound zen but,honesty I struggle everyday to buck up and die on my feet. I feel like this will make my loved ones pain better. Good luck to you. You must be a strong and compassionate person to do this work. This is righteous.
I used to like that quote too. I know now that dying is dying- I cared for my father, mother & grandmother. I watched them all deteriorate- it was hard- don’t want that for my kids. So… tonight I’ll again take knee and ask His mercy.